Not As We Planned - We Waited 23 Years To Get Married… He Cheated 3 Months Later

Episode Date: October 14, 2026

Imagine spending 23 years with someone, raising three children together and finally getting married… only to discover he’s been talking to another woman just THREE MONTHS after your wedding. One listener thought she had the perfect life until she discovered weeks of phone calls between her 44-year-old husband and a 24-year-old woman. He insisted he was simply helping her through a breakup, but when she started digging, the truth began to unravel. He’d saved her number under her son’s name, sent intimate messages and told her he loved her. Now, just seven months into their marriage, she’s questioning whether she’ll ever be able to trust him again.We also hear from a woman who discovered her partner had been messaging sex workers while working away, only to later find he’d continued searching for them closer to home. After almost nine years together, a daughter and a mortgage, she feels financially trapped and terrified of breaking up her family. But things become even more complicated when the man she once considered the love of her life unexpectedly comes back into the picture. Is he a genuine second chance at happiness, or simply an escape from a relationship she no longer wants to be in?Watch the podcast on YouTubeGet a weekly BONUS episode on Patreon:Join Our CommunityInstagramTikTok Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Not As We planned. We hope you're all having a lovely day. Do you have a lovely update for us? How are you doing? On this fine Thursday I've been better. But, um, Mums are fussy eaters. We had a major breakthrough. I think I've shared like over the years,

got to be doing this long time, aren't we? Back in my day. Back in my day. Theo has always been a fussy eater. I remember there was a time where I think we had about seven safe foods and they were really like boring and generic, like pasta and rice. Basically, my diet.

She is the most boring. fucking eater ever. Like actually, she came to my house last night and ordered Pomodoro pasta. Can I say something? My meal was delightful

and I actually think a lot of people would have enjoyed it. Yeah, but included my seven-year-old child. Had riggedoni pasta with tomato sauce with barata. She thought she was so exhausting that she asked for barat. And I had a side of chips with it

and had a much salad bread. It's giving child. It's giving carbon, carbon, carb on carb. Anyway, like, no, when we're like planning like restaurants for like when we go on tour and she's like, Can you do all the exciting ones like with crazy flavours before I get there?

I used to be worse. I used to not even really eat much meat. No. I would have been icked out by now if I was trying to date you. That is a big thing for like eating. I think it's different from a man. If a man was as fussy as me. No, I can't.

Anyway. So, yeah, Theo's been a really fussy eater. Ick. Ick. But we've like had a rule in our house that haven't been great at implementing that each week we try new food. But I've got good at it again. So over the summer at his dads, he tried sausages and liked them. So I was like, wow, this is amazing.

But there's only so much you can do with sausages. And then he tried mince at my house. Basically, one thing I would do to encourage fast eaters, I'm just going to say the things that have worked for us. Obviously, I'm not saying that's going to work for everyone. But I shared this on my stories and people were like, please tell me what you did to do this. This isn't like a fast overnight process.

Like, he's seven. Like, it's been a long time coming. But we make, our new thing is we all cook dinner together. So with the mints, like he's there like with his spoon. He's in charge of mixing it all in. He's in charge of putting the tomato. Like I just have really encouraged it. And then we've been doing taste test.

And so he's like, oh, well, I'm a chef. So I need to taste it. I'm like, yes, you do. And then he was like, I think I quite like that. So I was like, great. So the first time we did that, what did I do? I did it with just like Doritos. And so I encourage him to put a bit of that on.

a Dorito put a bit of cheese on it and have it and he really liked it. So I was like, right, we like this. We're going to keep the mince exactly the same. We're going to try it in different varieties. So this week we had it with rice and then we made our own nachos like just we like cut up tortillas and then put them in the oven, a bit healthier. And like next week we're going to change it into a spaghetti bolognay. So we're just like staying with like a base of something. And then now I'm trying to do as many meals with that as possible and getting him to try it. And he's like really proud of himself and now he's like

kind of explaining because he I can never get this kid to eat protein explaining like what protein does like it helps repair and build muscle and he's like oh so I can get big muscles I'm like the only way you're going to get big muscles is by eating protein that is meat and that is eggs and that is fish

and kind of explaining it I think now is a little bit older he can kind of understand those things a bit better so yeah like anyone who's got a fussy to don't give up height because it's not like a simple protein but definitely involving your kids in like making foods has been really big for me having a family rule that we all try a new dish so it might be like a new recipe that I've never made before that's become something it's like and also saying to them like it's actually okay if you don't

like it I just want you to try it and that pressure being completely off and then you know like I've always got like my staples in the cupboard if I need a backup like for him to have something so or I do it with things that I know he likes I did it with rice which I know he eats so Yeah, that's my little progress. Progress. Love that. I don't have anything to report. My life is boring.

Just like my diet. Let's crack on with some emails. Okay. Broken. Hey ladies, please keep me anonymous. After 23 years together, three kids, my partner and I got married with the perfect life. Also, I thought. In June this year, I went to use his phone and saw a call log to an

Another woman spanning over six weeks. My heart crumbled. When I asked him, he lied and said it was the boss's daughter. She works at the company my husband works for. Another one. That's a quick. He lied and said he was supporting her through a breakup with someone else who worked for the company. I didn't believe him.

And when I went to look at deleted photos, he snatched the phone and confessed to sending a dick pick and that they had been talking. I threw him out, but he came back a week later to try again. Before he came back, I told him to delete her number. When I checked his phone, he had changed the name to her Sutton's knife. Telling her, he still loved her. Oh, I forgot to say she was 24. He's 44.

Three months on, I have now received phone records, which show contact started three months after we married and also found a video note with him saying, I want you so bad, I love you so much, this is painful. That actually makes my heart go funny. He swears it was not physical. He doesn't know why he did it and he doesn't love her. I'm so confused and in pain.

I love him, but we'll never trust him. My kids are broken. I'm broken. He's lied for seven months. We waited 23 before we got married, only for him to do this three months later. Fucking hell. Look, we're not here to say,

don't take him back, do take him back. We obviously have our own views about it. I think it takes a certain kind of person to make a relationship properly, work after infidelity. I'm not saying it doesn't, it's not possible because I know people who have made it work.

But I think when trust is completely blown out the window like it has been with you, it's incredibly hard to come back. Because you know what it is with these situations? It's, they've been found out and then they just fucking continue to lie about it and lie and lie and lie. And it's like if you just told me the fucking truth,

then I can figure things out. But I think the thing with a liar is they'll never tell you. the truth? No, I feel like, I think they see it as like, if I don't admit it, she'll never ever really know. So like, don't say, don't say. Yeah, no, I just what I mean. And then it's like, now that I've said that, I can't say that. And they just keep

getting caught in these web of lies. I think the unfortunate thing is, is when you were in a relationship and you are with someone and you love them and you build a life with them and family and kids and everything, they can literally just rip the rug from under your feet. And when they do, you're left to deal with a situation that you didn't ever choose to be in. And I think it is so difficult to even comprehend.

Like, I can't believe that he's not just done this to us. He's done this to our kids and our whole family and everything that we built towards. I just remember being in that feeling and being like, oh, my God, like, he's given me no choice. Like, what am I meant to do? but I'm not ready to leave yet. I'm going to need to stay.

And everyone needs to do what they need to do in their own timeline, but just know that unfortunately you can't force someone to change. You can't undo something that's already been done. And once you find something out, you can't unfind it out. And it's just fucking shit. But I guess that's life. Like nothing, you can't plan everything and hope that it goes accordingly because there's risks with everything.

There are risks going into a relationship. There are risks that you will get hurt. but hopefully you find someone that's worth taking the risk for and you don't get her. It's just the shit reality of life without being like... It's shit. Like there's no way of sugar-cating it. Like that feeling when it's, yeah, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's not a nice feeling and I'm really sorry you're going through that.

And I think like the email was titled Broken. Like, yeah, I think you need to feel that right now. I think you need to feel broken. I think it's important that you feel everything you need to feel right now. Like what he's done is shit. And it's one of those things that only time will tell kind of where you want to go with it. Yeah. Keep us updated, please.

This is called Story Time. Hi. I'm not sure if my story is something you would ever consider for the podcast. But I've been listening and feel like I need somewhere to tell it. Okay. Because I genuinely don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I've been with my partner for almost nine years. We have a mortgage, a daughter and a dog together.

on the outside we've built what looks like a lovely life. We go away for weekends, have two holidays a year, and spend our weekends doing family things. He is hand on heart, an amazing dad. Our daughter is his absolute number one priority. But as a partner, he has never been the same man. He is as a dad. Can I just pause there?

I feel like we've said this before, and obviously I don't know what this email is going to entail, but I don't think that you can be an amazing dad if you can't be respectful to the mother of that child. Just so. The cracks actually appeared about a year into our relationship and looking back, I was incredibly naive. Aren't we all?

Yeah. There were messages to girls on Snapchat. There messages to women he had met while away for weekends. I kept forgiving, minimizing and convincing myself things would change. Then came the file nail in the coffin. Also, I thought. I was 38 weeks pregnant.

It was still during COVID. I had an absolutely horrendous pregnancy. with hyper-emesis and lost around two and a half stone by the time I was 40 weeks, and mentally I was in a really bad place. One night I went to pick him up after he'd been out. A woman was repeatedly calling and messaging his phone. He had saved her number under one of his friends' names. Why do they do?

Well, yeah, because they're hiding it. But, like, women... You'll get caught. I was completely broken. I was two weeks away from giving birth to our daughter. I remember thinking that he would have taken something away from me that I could never get back. When our daughter was born, I remember feeling completely numb towards him.

I should have been experiencing one of the happiest moments of my life, but everything that had happened had changed how I felt about him. And yet, I stayed. Almost five years of past since then, I've continued to stay largely because of my daughter. We have a home, a family, a life together, and I kept telling myself that perhaps this is what our life was supposed to look like. Like, I mean, I feel like I could write this.

Then last summer, he started working away. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Idiot. But I trusted him. Did you? I wouldn't know. Or at least I wanted to believe. Right.

He has always undermined how much of an investigator I am. But one night, after he'd come home from being away for six weeks, I went into his messages. I checked the recently deleted messages. And there they were messages to sex workers. Oh, fuck, yeah. He was asking when they were available, and unbelievably, whether they were available on the same day

he was due home from working away. And there is another layer to this that just makes absolutely no sense to me. He has OCD, and one of his biggest triggers is blood and the fear of contracting AIDS or HIV. It is something that has caused him a huge amount of anxiety and fear over the years, So you can imagine how completely baffled and honestly devastated I was to see that he was actively seeking out sex workers. I remember thinking,

how can the same person who is so terrified of contracting AIDS or HIV be doing this? The irony of it genuinely made my head spin. I felt as though my entire life had been turned upside down. I'd spent those six weeks juggling, working full time, looking after our daughter, running the house and keeping everything going while he was away. And this is what he had been doing. Of course, there were apologies, promises, remorse. So we carried on.

Christmas came around and we actually had a lovely Christmas. We went away for a week with our closest friends. On the outside, everything looked normal. But inside, my paranoia was through the roof. Then April came. He was home from another stint away and had decided to get a job back home. He had a MacBook, which incidentally is finance. in my name.

I was getting ready to go out for a night with the girls and for whatever reason I decided to look at the search history. It's never going to be good. And there were searches going all the way back to Christmas

for sex workers in our area. What idiot. He had been looking while he was on his dinner break. I spiraled. I spent months trying to convince myself that perhaps the messages had been a one-off.

Perhaps he'd genuinely realised what he'd done. perhaps we could rebuild the trust. And then I found this. He walked through the door and the laptop was sitting on the kitchen bench with all the evidence open. His face was a picture.

I tried desperately not to lose my shit, but our daughter was in the house. I asked my mother-in-law to come and get her and told her everything. Since then, something in me has completely changed. I feel detached. The trust is gone. I feel like a shell of myself.

The worst part is if someone else told me this story, I'd be screaming at them. What are you doing? Leave. But when it's your own life, it's not that simple. I don't feel like I have the courage to leave. Financially, I feel completely stuck.

We have a mortgage and high outgoings. I have this constant fear of losing my home, a home I've worked for because of something that isn't my fault. And then there's my daughter. The thought of breaking up her family terrifies me. But here's where things have become even more complicated. Since everything that's happened,

I feel like my head has started to turn. An old relationship has come back into my life. We were together around 14 years ago. I can honestly say that he was the love of my life. We were young and ultimately I think we were the right people at the wrong time. We've started speaking again over the last few weeks. He doesn't live anywhere near me. He's almost three hours away.

Peter's currently working near the area I'm originally from. He asked if I'd meet him. him for a coffee. By the time you receive this email, that coffee will have probably already happened. And I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know whether I'm being completely irrational and looking for an escape because I'm unhappy or whether this person coming back into my life is making me realise just how unhappy I've been for so many years. I'm also painfully aware that there is a difference between leaving a relationship because it's broken and leaving because someone else is waiting in the wings. I don't want to become the villain in my own story. I don't

want to cheat. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to uproot my daughter's life. But I also don't know how much of myself I'm supposed to sacrifice to keep a family together when the person I'm supposed to trust has repeatedly destroyed that trust. I feel trapped. Between the life I've built, the daughter I love more than anything, the financial reality of leaving and this tiny part of me that has suddenly started wondering whether there could be a completely different life waiting for me. So honestly, I need help. Am I staying? for the right reasons. Am I sacrificing myself for my daughter? Or am I actually teaching her that this is what love looks like? Should I completely shut the door on the man from my past until I've dealt with

my current relationship? And most importantly, how do you find the courage to leave when your entire adult life, home and family are tied up with the person that you're leaving? I would love the chance to speak about this anonymously if you think it would be suitable for the podcast. I generally don't know what the right answer is anymore. Thank you for you. for reading. I think what you've got to use here, okay, I do think you should park this guy because I don't, I think,

like you said, you're going to end up being the villain when you're not. I think we park that, but I want you to use that little bit of hope, that little bit of glimpse that that's giving you. Wow, there's so much more out there.

Like, wow, this could be how I'm supposed to feel. Because that is the truth. And I think sometimes when we're, we've been with someone for such a long time, we're so used to that. we're in this habit, we've got a family with them, we've got this life that we were supposed to be building. And we're being treated in a way that's disgusting.

It's, you're being cheated on, you're being lied to. This man has no respect for you at all. You're doing yourself a massive disservice. When you're so used to that, and I look, I relate to the part of being like, but love is working through the hard times. And I think there's a really fine mind between being able to work through the hard times. and also like being treated like absolute shit

and being walked all over and being absolutely disrespected. It works both ways. This man is showing you no respect at all. And the thing is, we've all been in that situation. And I think anyone listened to this who has left a relationship will completely resonate with. It is really hard to walk away from your life, as you know it,

to walk away from security and safety. And particularly, look, I've spoken about it recently. Financially, it's fucking terrifying. This world isn't designed for one person to do it alone, but, you know, we, we very much take on the burden. But would you rather be unhappy and miserable in your life and never trust a word that comes out your partner's, husband's, um, mouth ever again? Or do we use that little window of hope that if this is just how someone's made me feel, imagine if I actually found someone, I did this properly and I did the

work to heal and I attracted the right person, like, how like, how like, how, you know, and I'm not, can, how good life can really get. And look, I'm still here. I'm single and I've not got that. And even now, I'm so much happier in my life than I was in a marriage that wasn't making me happy. We don't just determine our happiness based off whether we're in a relationship or we're not or whether we meet someone or we don't.

But the way you're existing, and I want to call it existing, because it doesn't really sound like you're living very much at the moment. There's so much more to life. There really is. This man is fucking violence. fucking vile, the things he's lied about, he's putting you at risk as well. I think all these men who go and find sex workers, they're massively putting you at risk.

So ironic that he's saying he has like this massive fear of HIV and AIDS, yet he's going fucking people that he's paying for. It just blows my mind. Listening to your email, like I was that person. Like, honestly, like there are some emails that I read and, a lot of what you said, that was me. Like, I didn't have the courage to leave for a really, really long time.

I was in a marriage with someone that I didn't know any different. I really genuinely just thought, like, this is, like, what it's meant for me. Like, this is sort of, like, the life I've got. This is the life I've chosen. I don't want to do the, like, mum thing on my own. I didn't want to.

I had three young children. I was so scared of being, on my own. I had never been on my own. I was with my ex-husband, I mean, pretty much from the age of like 15, but like he, he was in my life from the very, very beginning. I didn't know life without him. And I think it's really easy to get so caught up in just believing that is anyone really happy? Like, I'm sure, like, everyone's got their issues, so you just got to take the good with the bad. Like, that is what I genuinely convinced myself. And it wasn't until I just got to the point where I was like,

I actually can't bear the anxiety anymore. I cannot bear the living in that paranoia of not knowing the next random message I'm going to get from someone telling me something that I don't really want to know. Or, you know, every time he slept with his phone, wondering what the fuck is on there? Like, what don't I know? And almost becoming embarrassed of like, what do people know behind my back that I don't know?

Like, I must look like a fucking. mug at this point. And it did like I had to get to that point where I was like being on my own is actually now becoming more appealing than what I'm currently putting myself through. And I used to say that I was staying for my kids. I wasn't actually ever staying for my kids. I was saying for me because I didn't want to be on my own with my kids because I didn't want to do it on my own with my kids, like your children watching that sort of environment, soaking that up is what ends up making them more, that's more of an issue than breaking up the family. This isn't a family. No.

This is, we share the same bed. We live under the same roof and he fucks whoever he wants. Do you want your daughter to think that that's what she needs to strive for? because it does ruin our kids if we bring them up in environments like that. It does give them trauma. It does do the damage. I think we're so conditioned to believe that the divorce and the two different houses is what messes up our children. But it actually isn't.

That sometimes ends up being what saves our children from witnessing unpleasant behaviours, toxic environments. Like, do yourself a favour and your child. and get rid of this man, please park this other person. The thing that I would always look at is you don't ever want to have any regrets, okay? I know that you're probably thinking, oh, I don't know if I should leave him. I don't want to be on my own. If you leave your husband, partly because this other person has come into your life and has made you feel slightly special, and that doesn't work out,

you will never know whether you left for the right reasons or not. Make sure those reasons are pure. Make sure those reasons... Nothing to do with it. Yeah. Because you got treated like shit

and you found the strength to do it with no other external validation or distraction. Do it for you. If something's meant to happen with this man, he'll be there.

In a year, in a two, whenever you're ready. Try not to get into that. mess because I yeah I think that when you don't have the courage to leave and then you end up leaving not because you found the courage but because you found a distraction that's where you can really really fucking mess up in my opinion so please keep us updated because you said that by the time we read this you would have gone on the coffee date so I need I need to know like what what fucking happened did you go for coffee are you having a full blown affair now I really hope

you're not but can you please email us like immediately thanks better not be My Crazy Life. Hi, I just want to start with a thank you for your podcast and how amazing you both are. Listen to you both and the advice you give is one of the things that has kept me going recently. I feel like I wanted to tell my story as a way of healing and so other women can know it's not just them and prioritising yourself is a must or you will keep repeating the same behaviour. Sorry, it's a long one. My story starts back in 2011 when I met my now ex-husband. We worked together in Morrison's and our love story began. At this point, my ex-husband was amazing.

supportive and we had a great time together. Less than a year into our relationship, I fell pregnant with my daughter and we moved into our own place and this is where the cracks began to show. To begin with, he was always out late if he was not working and I would be left at home looking after our daughter by myself.

He then got a promotion and started working permanent nights. When he's two days off a week, all he would do was sleep and he was always so grumpy and short with me and our daughter. We were also trying for another baby at this time, but because it was not happening quickly, decided to get married. Fast forward a year and my whole world came crashing down. I found out that my ex-husband was using cocaine during his night shifts to be able to stay awake. I found out that

all our bills had not been paid for three months, even though I had been putting money into our bill account. He managed to blag his way out of all the lies and my mom helped us get back on top of the bills as I took over all the finances for the house. At this point, he had managed to convince me that his drug use was not a problem and he was on top of it and would quit. God, how wrong was I to believe him? I eventually fell pregnant with my second daughter and that is when life truly came crashing down. He was continuously in hundreds of pounds of debt to drug dealers and he was just an awful person to be around. For some reason, every time I tried to end things with him, he would promised me the world and he would change. The change would last a week or two and then back to the old

routines. I then decided I wanted to train to be a midwife and I will tell you now this university degree has a nickname of the divorce course. Eventually in my final year of training I decided to not take the lies, the cheating and the constant drug use. How was I meant to support women and help them if they disclosed abuse when I was in an abusive relationship? Is that why they said so what? I think they must like learn and be like get so much information about like what women go, like all the different kind of situations, that it probably makes you start to question your own situation. Like, what the fuck am I tolerating?

Maybe that's my next advice going to a midwife course. I've got a really good idea for your life. Strangely, once he left, the stress seemed to lift, and I was happy being me again, as well as a student and a mummy to my two girls. I was having therapy at the time, and this was also helping me discover who I was again. Then I received a message on Facebook from someone I had dated just before I met my husband. things hadn't ended well back then but at that moment I seemed to forget these minor details

I arranged to meet this man and he sold me the dream having a family unit and not being on my own I can say this now but that relationship was the worst time in my life he was abusive not only to me but also my two daughters he forced me to have an abortion when I fell pregnant the first time and then the second time all he would say to me is I do not think you're capable of being a mum to another child have an abortion but I refused the previous

abortion had broken me, especially with the job I am working. So I had my third daughter. For some reason, I stayed with this man for three years. Three very miserable and heartbreaking years. He was a drinker and he, like my ex-husband, would lie still and cheat. I would admit in both of these relationships, I was not mentally stable at times. I would shout and argue a lot. I eventually got my courage to report him to the police and my world was shattered into pieces. I was trying to work as a midwife whilst having police and social services in my life. I did not know whether I was coming or going. Fortunately, social services could see I was protecting my children and closed the case.

Unfortunately, the police felt that they could not pursue a conviction for the abuse myself and my children faced, which has made me feel very let down by the system. That's really bad. That's really disappointing. But over the past year, I have learned to accept this and I am happy I would not have to stand in court. So it is now 2025. I'm a single mum to three kids. The dads don't have contact by their own choice

and family court would only allow supervised contact. I was really struggling with being single and trying to balance my work as a midwife and being a mum. My friend sets me up with her friend's brother, have a bit of fun and said it will do some good. Well, fast-forward 11 months. We had what I thought was a good relationship. But my sister flagged avoidance and God, was she right?

He would never ever commit to anything, said he didn't like labels. And every time life looked like it was getting, hard or there was some pressure, he would want to stay at his and have no contact. I've become aware that I'm definitely an anxious attachment and I have a lot of insecurities. This guy literally ended it by leaving me home when I was crying my eyes out struggling with my mental health. Said he would ring me the next day then did not contact me for 48 hours. I've never been so anxious in all my life. When he did end it, he was so cold and has been since.

We've got no contact, which is for the best, but my brain still longs for him and that contact safety. Because of how things ended with this guy, I have now gone to therapy, but a different type of therapy. It's called positive solution therapy, and I can really feel like it's making the difference. I feel like more people need to be aware of this type of therapy as I really struggled in the past with talking through all my past, but with this, you focus on the future and how to start looking at things of a completely different perspective. I'm nine weeks in, and I can feel myself improving, and this is having a positive impact on my girls. They have a happier and calm and mummy.

And I'm trying to get them into thinking of the positives and having a different perspective. Picture of me and my girls attached. Hopefully you read this out and I get some advice. Aw. Oh, bless. Okay. Oh, she had her eldest.

It's like, they're there. I don't know why in my head, like, pictured, like, younger kids. I guess this is quite a big time span, wasn't it? Yeah, true. Oh, they're really sweet. I think it does just go to show, like, we can keep repeating the same cycles, the same patterns and relationships.

We keep trying to get the same kind of thing back into our life. And I think there comes a point where you have to reflect and be like, okay, I'm attracting the same kind of people into my life. If I don't start changing or breaking patterns, that's just going to keep repeating.

Whether it's, I don't know, the science behind it, but I definitely am a big believer in that. I think you sometimes meet people who are like, Oh, like every guy I meet, like he's an addict or, you know, he cheats. But there's something about that kind of person that you attract, that you cling on to that you almost like long for. Whether it's that, I don't know, or, oh, God, I keep getting love bombed. Like some people cling on to that like feeling needed.

And it's breaking those patterns. It's understanding where those patterns are stemmed from and trying to figure out how to break them. I think the biggest thing that to take away from this is it sounds like you are so dependent on other people making you happy when actually I think you've got the power to be happy on your own. You've got three wonderful girls. You've hopefully got some lessons that can be learned. And I think what you need to do now is really focus on you pouring into yourself and being like, who am I without men? Because I think so many of us do like completely put men as like the focus of our lives. Oh my God, like, I need to find someone.

I need a man. I need this. Really interesting. I was in the car yesterday. And I kind of remember we were talking about, saying about, it starts. One of the kids was talking about, oh, so-and-so's got a boyfriend. And then I was like, how would you feel if mommy got a boyfriend one day? And then the thing goes, Mommy, you always say, you don't need a man.

And I was like, yeah, sure. All right. No need to have this conversation. It's just you don't need a man. And I think the biggest thing I would take from this, I really want you to have a period of time where you're not in a relationship, but you're not seeking that validation.

We're not seeking that family unit, which don't get me wrong. I understand there's a part of you. I get it. That yearns for that. And that's so valid. But I think in order for you to attract the right person who could be that,

you've got to become a person who loves themselves, who is so sure of themselves, of who's independent and is so self-reliant. Yeah, I think that I never want anyone to think that Carly and I pretty much saying that you're at full if men keep doing the same thing over and over again to you. But there is definitely a pattern there where I feel like, you know, our nervous system feels calm

when we have something that is familiar. And I think that when we don't do enough work on ourselves, we sort of attract that thing that makes us feel, safe, although it's weird. It's like your body tells you you're safe because it's what you know, but it doesn't mean that what you know is actually good for you. And I think that is obviously what is happening. I think that it's you need to really set, like do the work and it should be the minute you speak to someone and they, they are an addict, they're recovering addict, anything like that. It's like, no, done that, goodbye. Like, you know, we need to start learning from the

relationships that haven't worked. Otherwise, patterns do just continuously repeat. I know plenty of people, not necessarily like personally, but I just feel like you see when someone doesn't do the work, the same thing happens over and over again. So, yeah, I'm glad that you're now doing a therapy that you feel like is really helping you. Keep at it.

It's not a quick fix. Stuff that you've been through, trauma that you've gone through, abusive relationships. that takes years. Like it's not an overnight thing where you're like, okay, do you know what? Had a bit of therapy now. I want to go and meet someone.

Like really try and give yourself some time to be on your own and do the work. Yeah. There's no subject here, but she's sent some like screenshots. So let's see what this is. Hi. I've been speaking to a guy for two weeks now.

We arranged to meet up on a date for coffee. I have two children and he has no children. I let my guard down with him as I've come out of his. a 10 year relationship and my ex cheated on me, this guy made me feel so nice inside. And now she has sent a screenshot of a message that he sent her. Oh, good Lord, it's an essay.

Low look at his name. I don't know. And when she was like, I've got kids, he doesn't. I was a bit like, what? Okay, I've been thinking about things and I want to be honest with you because I respect you and don't want to give you the wrong impression.

I really enjoy talking to you and I think you're a genuinely lovely person, but I've realised that I'm not in the right place to continue things, and I don't feel the connection in the way I would need to. This isn't because you've done anything wrong at all. You've been kind and lovely, and I'm genuinely sorry if this hurts or disappoints you. I just feel it's more respectful to be honest now

rather than continue when my heart isn't fully in it. I really hope that you understand. And then he sent another message a few hours later, saying, I'm really sorry, her name. I genuinely didn't mean to hurt you or make you feel like I mess you around. I really enjoy getting to know you and I'm grateful you let your guard down with me. I just realised that I wasn't feeling the connection I needed. And I think it's better to be honest now rather than carry on and hurt you further down the line.

I wish you nothing but the best and I really hope that everything works out for you. Take care. She's then put, he wasn't feeding me all the nice things and sending me endless messages throughout the day. Just chit-chatting, seeing how my day was going and would always wake up to a good morning message from him. I thought we were getting on really well and started to actually like this person. I then received these two text messages today. I do not understand what I've done wrong in this situation. I just followed the flow of messaging and to say we don't have a connection in my eyes, you can only judge this in person or am I wrong? I think, I think his message is really nice.

Yeah, same. This is what we want from there. Rather than the go, it's honestly, it's okay. Yeah, It's like you've been speaking for two weeks and this is where I don't know if it was this episode. I think it was actually a main episode where I was saying about taking it slow and really recognizing how long you've known someone because we get so in our heads with romanticising two weeks you've known someone and you were already so emotionally invested in a man you've never met. I understand that feeling. I feel like I have been there before. know, it is so easy to fall into this like, oh, like, we're clicking. He's ticking boxes. Like,

we're getting on while. I haven't had this in ages. Like, oh my God, like, could this be it? And then you start, you know, playing things in your head and getting more and more excited. And then you get hit with this message. You haven't done anything wrong. This isn't about you. This isn't you questioning, like, oh my God, like I was just going with the flow. Like, what have I done wrong? What does he mean there's no connection? How can he know? Like, be grateful that this man hasn't done this in six months time where you're actually in love and fully invested and etc., etc. It's okay for someone not to feel a connection. That doesn't mean that you're not worthy of one. That doesn't mean that he thinks he's better than you. It doesn't mean that you're

not pretty enough. If you sometimes don't fancy someone, that doesn't make them a problem. you just don't like them. Yeah, in dating, you've got to be okay with rejection. It's part and parcel. And yeah, it's nothing to do with you. And I was just listened to that and thinking, oh, I've definitely sent those kind of messages before. And it was never about like the person's not good looking enough or kind enough.

It just wasn't what I was looking for. And I actually think he articulated that really respectfully. And I think for me, and sorry if I'm like overstepping, but it's a sign for me that you maybe, you said you've like not long come out of a 10 year relationship. I don't think you've done enough work on yourself

because I think, look, as someone who went into dating after her marriage ended far too quickly, that was me. And if I had experienced that, I would have taken that really, really badly. But I'm coming at dating from a completely different version of me now

where I can handle rejection. And that is so vital. Like I don't believe you should be putting yourself out there if rejection is really going to fucking knock you. I think you need to go away. Like the fact you're even doubting yourself, like, why am I not enough? Like, there's something wrong with me. Did I do say, well, no, no, no.

Like, we should never even think that. I think if you're showing up as your authentic self, you should know, okay, this person doesn't think I'm right for them. That's their judgment. And I'm okay with that because actually, when I meet someone, the right person, they're going to be like, oh my God, like this person is so for me. It's exactly what I've been looking for. and they will want you in that way.

And I think, don't get me wrong, rejection can feel like shit. It's really hard sometimes to feel unwanted and you do sometimes question it. But I think once you've worked with yourself enough, like I remember back to like my first situation where I got ghosted and it fucking flawed me. Do you remember?

And I was like, and I wasn't, whereas now when it happens, I'm like, cool. I don't want a man who can't communicate. Yeah. Like, I think I'm maybe a little bit too much the other way now. Do you know what the thing is? I do want to validate your feelings. Like, it's okay to be upset.

Yeah, 100%. Like, it's so, like, that's so okay. Like, we're not saying, like, you need to be so, you know, okay. They're like, oh, here's lost. Bye. On to the next. Like, it's okay to be disappointed. Yeah.

Also valid. It's when you're now questioning what's wrong with me after two weeks. I don't like that. That's where you need to be doing more self-work to be like, oh, do you know what? Like, it was a real shame, a bit gutted. Like, he seemed really nice. But, like, I really appreciate his honesty.

I guess he's not right for me. The way I try and look at it is cool, like, it's one step closer to meeting the right person. Yeah. Like, cool. We're like, just getting rid of them, get rid of them. Yeah. And you said, like, you felt like you were really vulnerable and you opened up to him. Like, use that as like, wow, okay, do you have the capacity to open up and be vulnerable

with someone again. And I'm not just going to base things off my past. Like, be like, okay, this is exciting. Like, this is the first person who's maybe shown me like that. When I actually meet someone who's more compatible with me, it's going to be even better. So you've just got to use it as a positive. I'd maybe take a bit more time on your right. Like, it's so easy when you come out these long relationships to, like, seek that validation

and to seek that feeling of being enough. Like, we've been there. Like, I hold my hands up. That's completely why I first joined the apps. But actually, if you don't have enough self-worth, you're going to like being rejected after rejection. I'm not saying that's going to happen, but it is unfortunately part of dating.

It's going to fucking flaw you and it's going to mess with your nervous system and you need to be able to be like, okay, like that's fine. Yeah. Not for me. Yeah. Okay, product of the week, this is my santape, self-tan face spray. I obviously fake tan all the time,

but whatever fate tan I've ever used, any moose, any oil, anything I use on my body, I never ever use it on my face. This is the tan that I use on my face. I really like it. It's not too orange. I actually don't have it on at the moment. But it's not too orange.

I feel like it lasts really well. It hasn't ever made me break out. And it's relatively reasonable. So I will link it for you guys. It's just like the bronzing water mist. Literally, like put it on my face. Chest as well. Sometimes when you just want a bit of a bronze chest.

I use my face one on my neck. Yeah, it's really good. So this is the product of the week. Confession of the week. I've been with my boyfriend for six years and I've never told him that I slept with his best friend before we met. That's just got to be taken to the grave with you. Now it has.

Yeah, I fear. It's that or you're fucked. Yeah. Literally. Do you know what it is? Because sometimes I guess when you start dating someone, you're like, oh, do you know, it may not go anywhere. I'm not going to tell him.

Yeah, and then next thing you know, you're like enough. It's like that happened in Montreal. Actually, it was a bit different. No, it's actually completely different. When Peyton found out that actually sat with Nathan, like dramas, but anyway. Stunning. Yeah. Affirmation of the week.

Don't sleep with your boyfriend's best friends. I feel like this lady needs to hear this. It's actually Sabrina Zohar. Affirmation is week. You deserve to be checked. Consistently, not just when it's convenient. You deserve someone who's sure about you, not someone you have to convince. You deserve love that feels like coming home, not a house you're constantly trying to break into.

You deserve someone who sees your anxiety and doesn't weaponise it against you. You deserve to feel secure enough to be yourself, not small enough to be tolerated. I really like that. Thanks, Sabrina Zohar. We're actually going to see her in a few weeks. Can't fucking know. Anyway, guys, thank you so much for all your e-eat-a-law. emails and listening and we will see you next week.

Later as potatoes. Love you, bye.