Not As We Planned - When Hope Ends Up Costing You A Lot | Not As We Planned Podcast

Episode Date: March 12, 2026

Tash shares the hurdles she’s had to face during her break-up, when you stick by your partner through his addiction, a man shares an extremely moving explanation of his addiction, and needing the courage to walk away from a man who has allowed you to carry him through your whole relationship. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi, you're listening to not as we planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high and I'm one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. There is a story today that covers sexual abuse. So if you would like to skip it, it's between 23 minutes and 7 seconds and it will end at 31 minutes and 5 seconds. We will also put another reminder for you just before the story starts. Hello, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Not as We Planned with me and Tash. That's such a round of in the camera. You never say you're like a little like, what's the what? Like a melody.

You know like, dintillin, dint, dint, maybe something more sexy. Yeah. All right. All right. You're all right? I'm good. Should I start with my update? Yeah, maybe.

Well, guys, I'm just going to get it all off my fucking chest because I thought this was meant to be the year of the fucking firehorse. And instead of a firehorse, I have been given a fucking disheveled donkey. It hasn't got the message that we're a firehorse in. And we're just kind of like, you know, when they just go a bit crazy, that's what I've got this year. Honestly, I have hit rock bottom this week. I have cried loads.

I have been probably the most stressed I have been since my marriage breakdown. That is a bold statement And it's facts And that is three years on Sunday Since my marriage ended Wow So we are Is in the Sunday just gone?

No the one coming First March Yeah What a day What a day So yeah Let me set the scene guys for this week So you go in right

And I'm like Everyone was counting down to the 17th You're the fire horse Can't fucking wait I am I am ready right I am ready I've shedded. I've shedded.

She's chatted her crystals. I've charged her crystals. I'm drinking my moon water. Like, I am ready to go. And then imagine, yeah? In the space of a week, this is? Actually, less than a week this happened. I had, not one,

but two cars break down on me within 12 hours of each other. Like, make that shit up. I, my dad got rushed to hospital. I had my Instagram account, which is my livelihood and work, deactivated, lost everything, having the most epic fucking meltdown. And I also had a deadline regarding my financial order, like the court hearing. I had to get form submitted to court and done. When I tell you, I was on the floor this week.

Like, I didn't know what to do. And sometimes like, especially with things like, for. forms and stuff. And like anyone who's done the form E, it is the most stressful form ever like everything to do with finances, but then you have to like evidence and cross-reference. And my brain can't handle that shit. So I think for quite a long time I've been procrastinating doing it

because I get really overwhelmed by it. And I'm like, that's future Carly's problems. But you get to a point where future Carly's problems become current Carly's problems. He said that about the car. We were like, don't worry about it. It's Future Carly's Problem. So the car being happened when me and we in terms. task for going away. She's like, that is future carly's problems because that's what I always say

about everything. We're just going to enjoy it. And then I got back, I was like, oh shit, it's my problem now. And just everything, like, I've just felt so low this week. And then, like, I've been in and out. My dad is in hospital now and he will be for a bit. So juggling everything, being in and out of hospital, I had like, obviously Instagram's my work. I had two campaigns that were meant to go live that couldn't go live. So now I've got to redo that because the campaigns have change because it's a different month. Like, I can't even begin to explain it. And then Theo came up to me the other day and he just went, Mommy, do you need a coddle?

And I just broke down. And I was like, look, and he was like, Mommy, what's wrong? And I was like, sometimes things just feel a lot and sometimes crying can make things feel better. And it's just been rubbish. It has been rubbish. Like, but yesterday was the first day where I felt like things are getting better. I got my Instagram account back I basically I got an email saying it was an error

and that my account was back but I could only get on it on a bloody web browser but you can't tag things you can't upload proper stuff you can't use it like Instagram so I just found I wasn't going on it which actually I won't like the break was really fucking nice I could do with that right now

yeah I think you might need to enforce that so yeah and then like I got my forms done I had an amazing call my solicitor yesterday It's just made me feel so much better about everything. The cars are sorted. And I think it's just shown me that like, even when stuff falls apart, like, the only way is up. Like, they will get better.

Sometimes just to be in that moment, feel it all. Like, I was literally like, fuck you, universe. Like, what the fuck is going on? And then someone sent me something and said, hang on, I'll read it. Because actually, I know so many of you were like, why is the firehorse in not? I saw them. Fire in. And someone said to me,

in Chinese astrology, the start of this year is often described like this. The first one to three months I tried, one to three months I know. I was like, I haven't got another two months of this in me. It's been a week.

Transition period, it's unstable, clearing old situations. Spring onwards around April, June. And this is really interesting because my tarot card reading said April. falls in line with this. So momentum builds.

Summer, 2026, peak fire horse energy, fast change, bold moves, breakthroughs, late 2026 results and consequences settle in. And apparently if someone's life feels ridiculous right now, astrologers would say that it's very on brand for early fire horse energy.

So, but we're just tumbling up early fire horse energy and that donkey is going to go through some kind of evolution. So that's been my week. I hope me sharing about it makes me feel better. I should wait actually before I asked you I got something for you What's you mean? Where you going?

Guys, Carly's literally gone off set Oh I've got a podcast on my own Hey guys, Cara Daddy Sorry, are we okay? What is it? Happy one month no contact to you One month no contact to you God

You made a whole month of no contact One month no contact to you. Should I blow it out? Yeah. Woo! Yeah. Look, guys. Look at my cake.

That is so cute. Can you imagine if my update is? So we spoke. I'm taking it back. I'll push your face in that. Oh my God. That's super freaking cute. We'll have that afterwards.

Should I put it on the table? Thanks, babe. That's really cute. So, onto your update. On to my update. So we're back to get that. No. No, bad joke.

Absolutely not. Do you know what? When we last filmed, it was just before Valentine's. Yes. Wasn't it? Yes, it was. It was. And I was feeling quite positive.

Honestly, I feel like since Valentine's Day that Saturday, I've quite honestly just gone downhill from there. And I know everyone says they hate the word linear. To be honest, I fucking hate it. Let's say ebbs and flows. Healing is you go through the ebbs and flows. I feel like I'm currently ebbing. There isn't enough to flow in.

Is the eb down? I don't know. We don't like it. I just think that I don't know if it's as the time's gone on, I'm like lacking that dopamine, the oxytocin, the connection, like more. I don't think you've had the easiest time with it. No. I don't think you've had as smooth sailing as a ride as...

I had. Yeah. Yeah. I just feel like I'm... Not by one of you trying, though. Yeah, I'm doing everything I can, my end, but yesterday I also got a DM from someone letting me know that my ex is now apparently on a number of dating apps. I'm not being funny if he is like it because it's been a month.

Yeah. And that says everything you need to say. But you also don't know if it's true. Yeah. But I think what restraints me more than anything is they send me screenshots of his stories and he never used to post stories and there was a story that I got sent of like

two like coffee mugs you know when you've got like all the frothy stylish coffee crap. Don't discost, don't just because you're in a bad mood don't dis coffee because coffee is my lie. And I just feel like it just annoys me because it's like I'm trying my best not to look at stuff

and then you have annoying people. So are his stories public? Yeah, he's got a public account. Did he used to? He was private when we first started dating and then he made it public while we were dating. Right. And I did ask him if he would go back to private.

I can confirm he didn't. I don't know. I guess I just being really real, like this breakup, I feel like I am just currently living in like this just fakeness. You said that the other day. Even when we were out. I had the best time we went on a trip. We both really needed it.

And every laugh was real. Every, like, but it's like I have this just like this numb, like dark cloud behind me of like the minute I pause, it's like the reality sets in. It's like, I'm still really unhappy. I'm still struggling. much mentally. Like, I'm not sleeping well. I can't switch off at night. I'm going to bed like two in the morning at the moment.

Luckily, I don't require that much sleep, but it would be nice just to go to bed and fall asleep rather than just your mind is constantly racing. It's not helpful when people are messaging you stuff like that. I can't even imagine what that must be like. Yeah, it's just shit. And like you said, I know if it is true, it's not a reflection on the relationship we had.

And if anything, it just confirms to me that I'm made the right decision. Because obviously then the work isn't being done. I think it's just that frustration of that I never really will know. No, but like what I said, you need to focus. This isn't about him. It's not about how he's doing or anything like that. This is about you now.

You know you made the right decision. You know it's for the best. Like we gave you a whole talk yesterday, but you've got to focus on you. Sorry. You're doing so well. You're having more challenges thrown at you than most people. And you are doing like, I, not that I didn't think you'd be able to do it, but obviously last time you didn't adhere to it your side, but you have. And I think that's the most frustrating thing is you are literally doing all the work, but you're having extra hurdles thrown at you.

Yeah, no, it's just annoying. And I think that then like, once you get, once you get shown stuff, like your mind does wander. And I am obviously, like, the guy can go out and have a coffee with whoever he wants. and it's not for me to know about anymore, but still hurts. When you don't want to see it and people send it to you, like it's just not fair. Like, yeah, I've got to be honest,

I didn't think that I would, you know, get to one month no contact without breaking it and I will continue to do whatever I can. But it's just, yeah, like you said, when people are trying to disturb that piece, it's not fair. No. But I guess for anyone going through it,

like just know that you're not alone and it's okay that I think I'm trying to change the way I speak to myself and be more kind to myself and tell myself rather than me being like oh god because although it's it's one month no contact it is nearly two months that we broke up but I'm going more with the one month but like one month is still so raw and I think part of me is like oh god why do I still feel so shit like it's been a month it's only being a month yeah I think I still it's meant to not feel great yet like I I am still very much in love with him why would I not be sure you? struggling, why would I not be in pain? I think you've also got the time of year on your side, because I feel like, as you do,

start to feel better, the weather's going to start to get better. We're going to be moving towards summer. I just think, because that's what I had last time, and I remember that really helped me, and it was like, summer's fun. Summer's, like, everything's easy, everything's happier. You have plans, and it's just nice to know you're moving towards it. Like, I remember when I went through my breakup, I had Dubai booked. And in my head, I was like, if I can make it to Dubai, I know.

know I'm going to be okay. And I said to you the other day, like the first time I realized I was really okay was when I was on that trip. And I got back and I was like, it was like, that was April. First week of April that was. And I just felt,

so I think you need to be just a bit of kinder to yourself. Like it has only been a month. Give it another month. You're going to be starting to feel so much better. Yeah, I think I'm just in that headspace of like. I mean, let's just get to March. Let's just get to April. I am slightly wishing life away,

which I don't want to do. Like, had the, like, Rome, 10, 5 yesterday. It was like the best day. I think that's also another emotional thing. Yeah, it is. When you have certain milestones and like, I think that's what threw me with Valentine's. I know that you said the same is that I know that we're in no contact and I know that I'm not meant to hear from him. But you can't help but subconsciously wonder like, will I, will I hear from him?

Like, you know, like every knock on the door, like I got like flowers. I got cards but like none of them were him and I'm not expecting him to obviously send me stuff. We're not together anymore. But I think the reality then sets in after that. It's valid. Even things coming up, like his birthdays in two weeks, I've just had to cancel a trip. I booked because it's his 40th. And I know that time is going to be quite difficult.

And it's just getting through each hurdle. But anyway, if I'm going to be a firehorse, they're good at jumping over hurdles. Absolutely. So let's get into some emails, guys. Anonymous story, an addict's wife. I am writing to the pod to share my story and hopefully maybe people can relate and share theirs. I would love to hear more stories on this topic as it's not really covered often.

By the way, I think this podcast is really special in making people feel heard and seen and I think we can all relate to each other in some way. I'm a new listener of 2026 and binge all the time when working from home. Oh wow. It's fresh. Yeah. I met my husband 12 years ago when he was 23 and I was 20.

He had one child, a one year old, and another baby on the way. Red flag, I know. He asked me on a date several times and he snogged on nights out, but I was clearly denying a date because of the situation he was in. For context, though, neither child was planned and him and his ex-wife were very on and off. To be honest, he was a bit of a slag and a walking red flag, but he was also a kind person at heart. He was very persistent and finally I agreed to one date.

I knew from that one date that he was my person. I knew he was a bit lost and needed some guidance and he really needed a good egg by his side. So did his kids, and I wanted to be that. person. Just a side note, my then-boyfriend was what I would call a problem drinker, and our rouse would centre around nights out and alcohol and drugs. I know what you're thinking, big red flag. Now fast forward five years and we bought a house together. We have the kids every other weekend and half term. They're two amazing boys and they are my best mates. We then get married three years later, and yes, the rouse around drink and drugs persist. Fast forward another year, I give birth to my beautiful

daughter. She's half me, half my husband, and has the best two big brothers we could ever ask for. When she smiles, she reminds me so much of the boys and it just melts me. I really love how you speak about your stepchildren. Yeah. When she was seven months old, we attended a wedding. My first day away from her as I was breastfeeding. I remember pumping and crying for days as I wasn't sure I'd make it. I did make it, but as I walked into the wedding, I read the table plan and someone said to me, oh, look, you're on the Sesh head table. What's that? Like people who do drugs, like they're on the sesh.

They're on like, they're on drugs. Unaware of the drug lingo. I mean, I can't say. I've been on a sech. About a month later, I got a gut feeling. Oh, sorry, no, I've just skipped a load. Alarm bells were ringing. How bad was my husband?

Was I playing down his habits? Was I oblivious? What the fuck? About a month later, I got a gut feeling that something was wrong. Yes, you're right. girls, we shouldn't ignore it. I searched his work bag, found nothing, and confided in a friend. I think she thought I was nutty and hormonal, but I just couldn't shake it.

Another month later, I searched his bag and his car, nothing. I was on maternity pay at this point, so we were living off his wages and he had no spare cash. I'm thinking, how could he even afford drugs? So I decided to confide in his mother, who said she has not lent him any money and assured me he's not showing any signs of using. Another month goes by and anxiety seemed to be pouring out of him. I searched his bag again and found nothing. But that night I decided to confront him. It took a few hours and some rouse,

but eventually he admitted he is using daily and is in a really bad place. I asked how he has afforded drugs and he admitted his mother knows and was lending him money. Oh, these enabling mothers, fuck off. Never. If my child came to me, no matter how old they were. Obviously, it's not going to do it when he's six, but came to me and was like, Mama, I need some money for drugs.

It'd be like, I'm going to take you to rehab and get you some fucking help. Do you think she knew that it was for drugs? It says he admitted his mother knows and was lending him money. She had even paid off his dealer. I'm sorry. They do say the apple never falls far from the tree, don't it?

You can imagine the betrayal I felt at this point and wondered if my relationship with my husband and my mother-in-law would ever be the same again. Six weeks later, he went for his first meeting and simultaneously I found out I was pregnant. I decided not to, go ahead with the pregnancy as I couldn't bring a child into this world with a man who has let us down so badly. A sad time, but an easy decision in such a rocky time for me and I was also returning

to work so that whole period of my life was a trauma. Writing this down, I wonder how I got through it all. I guess my daughter gave me the love and strength I needed. Marriage for me really does mean in sickness and in health and addiction is a disease, so I decided to stay. It has been a lot and I won't bore you with the one step back, two step forward stories, but fast forward to today my husband is nearly three years sober. My daughter is nearly four and we are still happily married. The boys are teenagers and grunt a lot. Don't get me wrong, we have our rouse, but who doesn't?

We made it through everything and I'm so proud of us. My husband tells me often that he wouldn't be here without me and that I've made him the man he is, which is nice because honestly it's bloody true. I stuck by him through everything. I guess I just wanted to share my story because I strongly believe marriage is about putting the work in and going through the ups and downs. I'm not saying we should stick by them no matter what,

but broken hearts can be healed and trust can be rebuilt. Addiction is a taboo subject and hard to talk about, but I think this fits in well with the pub because honestly, this is not what I had planned in life. Thank you again for making this podcast. It really is a gem. Do you know what? It's a really nice email because I wasn't expecting that ending.

I wasn't. and it's actually really nice. I think that you're right, addiction is an illness, but I also think at the same time, it is slightly a choice, and he has chosen to stay clean for the last three years,

and with that, you've stuck by him, and they do say that, I'm going to say men, because you're emailing about your husband, men tend to recover better through addiction when they have a partner. It gives them more purpose, it gives them a reason.

And I think that at the end of the day, say, yeah, in sickness and health, absolutely. And you're sticking to stand by him, willing to take on that responsibility, but also knowing that he is an active recovery. He's a recovering addict. You don't, I don't believe that people are cured from an addiction. It's something that you need to work on on a daily basis

and you need to obviously be aware that relapses can happen. But sticking by him and showing him the support is amazing, as long as he also gives that respect back to you and does what he can. So that's really nice. And I think that it's not to say that people that are married to addict should stick through. This is what I was going to say. And just put up with it all the time. Because eventually there comes a point where you have reached your limit.

And it's also okay to walk away from someone that isn't willing to put the work in and stay clean. Because the thing is, you need to accept that you can't control someone else. they can only choose if they want to stay clean or not. You can choose to stay and support them, but it is a very, very difficult job to be with someone when you can't help when they choose to relapse and the lies come in and the deceit and the enabling parents on top of that.

So I don't want anyone listening that's maybe walked away from an addict feeling like, oh, I should have done this or I should have done that. Or someone who's living with an addict to think I need to stay with him. Now, yeah, yeah. Like every situation is different. I'm so glad that right now that is working for you and please God may that continue.

But yeah. I think it's also just the thing that really resonated for me is like you said you just had this gut feeling and then like even though every time you were looking you couldn't find anything, I think it just reinforces like we really need to just trust our gut. It's the one thing. Like it's the one thing that I've learned I can trust.

We talk about trust a lot. I feel like it is really hard to put your trust in other people but the one thing that having trust broken and going through situations where you have had the wall pulled over your eyes, you have been in situations where people have disrespected you or broken trust. The one thing that I have learned is that I can trust my gut. And I think just reflecting on all the stories with her recently, every single story or nearly every single story we hear talks about that gut feeling, just had a gut feeling. And I just really want to encourage people listening to just lean into that a bit more and to really trust what your gut is telling you.

Yeah, amen. Just a reminder that the following story does contain reference to sexual abuse. So if you want to skip forwards. It's between 23 minutes and 7 seconds and it will end at 31 minutes and 5 seconds. Okay, this is from a man. Is it? Yeah, okay. It's just called My Story.

Before I share my story, I wanted to be clear about my intention. I'm not seeking validation or dodging accountability. I'm sharing this because, after watching your podcast, so much of what you discuss resonates with me, I believe that sharing our experiences can help others who aren't quite there yet. To understand where I am today, I have to start with the backstory. When I was two or three years old, I literally woke up in a new town with only my mother and sister. My parents' marriage had been volatile, loud, angry and aggressive.

One day my father was simply gone with no explanation. A few years later, my mother met a man who became my stepfather. He was a drunk, violent and extremely abusive person. My home life was a constant state of fear. Around the age of five, I joined the Cub Scouts. Tragically, one of the leaders began sexually abusing me. This continued for seven years, resulting in what I estimate to be 350 instances of rape.

Wow. One of his grooming techniques was to take me to the the arcades after the abuse and give me money for the fruit machines, I was gambling at five years old. By age 10 or 11, my stepfather also began to sexually abuse me. When I look back on my childhood, I cannot remember a single instance of love. I realise now that gambling was the only time my nervous system felt settled. Between the abuse and my home life, I was constantly on high alert, in complete dysregulation and survival mode. There were moments where my attachment bonds were formed, bonds that would control the rest of my life.

Fast forward to later in life when I met my wife, it was love at first sight. However, there was a seven-year age gap between us and I found myself pulling away. At the time, I struggled with the age gap, and it caused me to distance myself. My wife had also suffered childhood trauma from a narcissistic father and other forms of abuse.

Because of our shared histories, we trauma bonded, on top of that, instant love. In my adult life, I've been successful, professionally, reaching directorship levels. I have two daughters now 26 and 22. We have travelled the world, laughed and shared amazing times. However, throughout our lives, I've struggled with addiction, mainly gambling. We separated several times but always came back together. I've seen numerous amazing therapists, but because my nervous system was stuck in safety mode, I could never be truly honest. I was able to stop gambling for periods of one to two years, but the pressure of the

relationship and the fear of losing that love would cause my nervous system to dysregulate, pulling me back into the cycle, which I now take full responsibility for my actions. I'm not using my past as an excuse, but as an explanation of this internal battle. The last time I gambled, my wife and I decided it was time to get divorced. I chose to move to the other side of the world. I knew the familiar trappings of my hometown would not allow me to heal. I needed to finally do the work to find peace and show that five-year-old child the love he never had. We are currently six weeks into no contact period.

Grieving this separation feels like grieving for someone who is still alive. Your nervous system constantly scans the past. Sorry, I'm getting upset. Your nervous system constantly scans the past and searches for the future you thought that you'd have. It's a constant fight between the heart and the mind. The difficulty is that we still have an immense amount of love for each other. But we brought two unhilled children into a relationship and allow them to dominate the narrative around security and jealousy.

My journey now is like a roller coaster. Some days I'm at peace, a controlled sadness where I move and speak slower. Other days I'm completely flooded and overwhelmed. I'm working through therapy and reading to understand when the five-year-old is in control. I will soon start EMDR therapy to face and sue that inner child so I can finally step into my adult self. I'm sharing this because when you have childhood trauma, you must understand your attachment styles. addiction and infidelities are never excuses but they will never not stop until you do the work that the inner child needs if you don't you may have to leave someone behind to save yourself

my goal is that my five-year-old self will never ever again meet my wife's 13-year-old self in a way that controls our relationship if we are to have a relationship in the future as parents and grandparents it must be as our adult selves at peace with one another the journey now is about finding that peace grieving and moving into adult consciousness.

This is just a snippet of a 28 year marriage. I wanted to provide insight. There is often so much more going on beneath the surface of an addict or a gambler. We can't change others. We can only change ourselves. Wow. Firstly, I just want to say, like,

thank you so much for taking the time to sit down and articulate that and write that in. Firstly, the fact that that's from a male, like we always love to hear because I do think we often get things like oh like you're so biased like you just do it from women's opinions but it's because most of our listeners are women

and we are, we're not man haters we don't, you know, we're not just against men I think we give the same kind of advice regardless of gender in any situation that's written in but typically we do hear more from females but I think you have articulated and explained things

so beautiful. beautifully that I don't think anyone listening could not understand that. And I think you're right. I think it does open your eyes to the complexities of issues like gambling and infidelity. And even like the fact you identify that it is your unhealed five-year-old self. I think what you've done and gone away and actually chosen yourself is so amazing. And I think a lot more people probably need to do that. don't get me wrong.

I think a lot of situations you can heal with someone and do that work together, but yours does sound like an incredibly complex situation that does need stripping back. And I just want you to know that I'm really proud of you, just listening to that.

I'm really proud that you have recognised what you need to do. You've sought the help. You're doing the work. You're very wary of everything. It's like you've got your eyes wide, open to the situation. And I think it's incredible.

And honestly, I'm so happy that this podcast has somehow reached you and found you and you felt compelled to write in. And I really hope just other people hearing that maybe gives them a little bit more understanding, particularly, you know, if you are with someone who has had some kind of childhood trauma, I think it is something that isn't spoken widely enough about. And we don't really realize the impact it can have later on in life. So he actually reached out to me. Okay.

He saw my no contact staff. And I told him to listen to the podcast. Okay. And then he was like, I'm going to email in. And I actually think he may have even said, maybe don't read it yet. Like, is it like it might not set me off? That was so beautifully written. It really touched me, like the way you even described, the way you feel in no contact.

And you should be really proud of yourself, like, that you're, you should be really proud of yourself, like, that you're really, really taking your life by the reins and doing what you can. Like, we can't change what's happened to us. We are, you know, we can only do what we can with the tools that we're given. And you are taking control and making that change. And I think it's amazing. Yeah, and I think you've been given a really unfair starting life. Like, it's really cruel.

And things like that will never get my head around. Like, it really got to me just. hearing what you've gone through. So, yeah. Yeah. Okay, my story. First of all, I'd like to start by saying, I love the podcast, listen to other people's stories and relating to a lot of it feels like I'm not alone. I've been thinking about writing in for some time, so here goes. This is just a snippet into my life in the last seven years. I could write about what I've been through in that time all day, but I thought I'd summarize it up and best I can. I met my partner a little over seven years ago. When I first met him, I honestly thought I'd found something rare. He was intense in the best way.

He adored me. He made me feel special, chosen and wanted. He talked about the future so quickly, about living together, about having a baby. It felt flattering that he was so sure about me. I mistook intensity for security. I thought, this is what real love must feel like. When I fell pregnant, everything changed. It wasn't immediate, but it was noticeable. He became distant, less affectionate, less kind. I was carrying his child and instead of feeling protected, I started feeling alone. He was out a lot.

He didn't seem interested in spending time with me. I told myself he was probably just stressed. I made excuses for him because I didn't want to believe that something was wrong. And then one day I was clearing out drawers and found bank statements. And that's when I realized he had a gambling problem. It wasn't small. It wasn't accidental. It was serious.

Sorry, am I correct in thinking this to the third. email in a row about gambling. What's going on today? All that addiction, yeah. Yeah. When I confronted him, he denied it at first and then said he'd sorted it. I wanted to believe him. I needed to believe him.

I was pregnant. He didn't turn up to scans because he was hung over. I went alone. I tried not to let it hurt, but it did. I ended up going to labour at 36 weeks and five days. I truly believe the stress contributed to it. Three days later, we had our beautiful daughter. and in that moment nothing else mattered.

She was perfect. For about two weeks, we were blissful. It felt like the family I pictured in my head. I thought maybe the pregnancy had just been a blip and maybe things would be different now. But then it started again. He worked, then went out. He never changed a nappy, never did a night feed,

never carried the exhaustion with me. For the first six months of our daughter's life, I felt like a single parent living with someone who just happened to sleep in the same house. Then one morning I woke up with a gut feeling And went through his phone I saw a message he'd sent to his dad About being with another girl a few nights before

And my whole body went cold As if you'd message you were done That's so weird So strange Right dad shaft another bird Guess what mate Fucking when a bed are over didn't I I only got my girl at home

Baby's only a few weeks old A 5 fancy a pine What goes through their heads I don't know. When I confronted him, he didn't admit to anything. He said he made it up to impress his dad. I'm sorry, if your dad's impressed by that, your dad's an ick. I'm sorry.

What? Not a stupid excuse. To make himself look like someone he's not. I remember feeling confused. Like, I didn't know what was real anymore. I left and I moved him and my sister for six weeks. And that was one of the hardest but strongest things I've ever done. Good girl.

And that's when the love bombing came back. Of course. He couldn't live without me. me. He needed me. He promised to change. He was attentive, emotional, convincing. He never really admitted what he'd done, but he promised things would be different. After a few weeks in my own place, we slowly started trying again. And for a short time, he did change, just enough to make me feel hopeful. And then slowly it went back to how it always is. And this has been going on for seven years now. I still have my own place in my name. He lives with me, our daughter and our dog. He earns

three times what I earn every four weeks, yet I pay the rent, the bills, the food and everything we need. He's in mountains of debt from gambling and owes his family thousands despite earning very good money. At one point, I worked two jobs, days and nights just to afford nursery, normal life and even a family holiday to Turkey. This is wild. I was exhausted, but I did it because I wanted my daughter to have nice memories. He doesn't help around the house. He's never done a load of washing. He's cooked dinner maybe three or four times in seven years. He's never cleaned the bathroom. He says he doesn't know how or acts helpless. I carry the house, the finances, the mental load, everything.

Every time I try to leave, he pulls me back in. He tells me he can't go on without me, that he needs me, that he'll change. And a part of me still feels like I love him. But I don't even know what I love anymore. Is it him? Is it who he was at the start? Is it the version of him he becomes when he's scared of losing me? Or is it just the life I hoped would have? He is an awful partner, but he is loving with our daughter and that makes it harder. Seven years in and I feel stuck. I feel tired. I feel confused about why I still feel attached to someone who has hurt me so consistently. I don't understand why I can't just walk away and mean it. look at my life and realise I've been carrying everything alone for a long time and I don't know how to

stop. What confuses me most is that I still feel like I love him. I don't understand how I can list everything that's happened and still feel attached. Maybe I'm not in love with who he is now. Maybe I'm in love with who he was at the beginning or who he becomes when he's trying to win me back. There are moments when he's kind, when he's loving with our daughter, when he looks at me like I'm everything. Those moments pull me back into hope. But hope has cost me a lot. I feel torn between my heart and my reality. I feel scared of walking away and scared of staying. I feel guilty at the thought of breaking up our family, even though I felt alone in this relationship for years. Maybe the hardest truth is this. I don't know if I love him or I'm just

afraid to let go of what I thought we could be. And that's the part I'm still trying to understand. Any advice would be much appreciated. That was a really difficult listen. I've got to be honest. I feel like I could really, really resonate with a lot of what you were saying about how you feel. But when you really, really strip it back, what is this man bringing to the table? Like, the only positive that you've said about him is that he's a good dad, but he can be a good dad without you. Of course, when you leave, he needs you because you do everything. He doesn't have to clean a bath, right? He does need you because you do everything.

He does nothing for you other than disrespect you, lie. The fact that you're saying he earns so much money and you're having to like work extra shifts and order to provide. You're working day and night. You're a single mom. Yeah. Like get rid of this man. Like I think what's frustrating is, and I know firsthand right now,

it is so much easier to give advice and then take it. Yeah. But oh, like I get excited at this. thought of what your life could look like without this man in it. Like how much you were doing with him there, what you could do for your life without him on your own. And then one day maybe if you wanted to meet someone that actually appreciates you, respects you and gives you a life that you deserve because it is not him.

You said you're scared of like breaking up with him and doing it on your own. You're doing it on your own and he's there. It's just a physical. I understand it's that physical. physical presence of someone and being in love with the idea of them and the life that you thought you were going to have. Grieving a life that you thought you were going to have when it goes is so difficult. We have both been there. It's not easy. I still grieve it. Yeah, but coming out the other side and not being stuck with someone that doesn't even give you bare minimum,

it is just a different type of empowerment. And I really want you to experience that because you're already doing more than you won't find it difficult. I don't think you'll find it difficult. Physically you won't. I think the hardest thing you'll find is letting go of him, but it's not him. You've put him on a pedestal. It's the idea of him.

It's the future you creating your head. But you need to remember that's not real. None of it was ever real. It's, and we all do this. I think we do this going into new relationships. We do this. We create this. I have this narrative about me and my family life when I was with him.

I've done a lot of work looking back and I wasn't happy for a long time but in my head it was like this perfect family, two children, lovely home like a husband's got a good job like you romanticise the life you have you put it on a pedestal and you think God like I remember

and this feels really raw for me because it is three years this weekend and I do think when you get to those anniversaries you look back you reflect and I remember at the time feeling like I have nothing I've lost everything but you haven't because you're doing everything.

You've got everything. This man, A, the debt, the lies, the bragging to his dad about sleeping with another girl. Like, you were so much better off without this man. And I do wonder if actually hearing me read that back, you're going to be like, oh, my God. I want you to put yourself in the shoes of someone else, right, listening to a normal episode of the podcast. And I bet on a normal episode you listen to stories and be like, this person has to leave this person. It's ridiculous. They deserve so much more.

You guarantee you think it, right, when you're listening. I want you to now take yourself out the shoes that this is you that's written in. Think about it being someone else's story. What would you say to them? Because I guarantee it's the same thing that Natasha is saying to you. You were so much better without him. You can do this. Every single person has the strength to leave.

It might take you longer. You've taken them back multiple times. You've, you know, I think it's very easy to crumble into these people when they then come back and like they seem like this amazing person. And, you know, the love bombing is what got you there in the first place. And he knows it works. Nothing's going to change. Nothing is going to change.

It's happening time and time again. You need to find that strength. Dig deep. Walk away. We're here for you. This podcast is here for you. And I want to hear from you once you've walked away. Yeah, because like we've said, time and time again, change only happens when you make the change.

He is showing you time and time again that the person that love bombs you. It goes back to old habits. Get rid. I'm not accepting this behavior. No. Okay. Product of the. week. This cardigan, so I'm wearing a very spring-oriented. I do want a cardigan. I know

it's lovely. So actually it was sold out and then I mess with her saying, honestly, I had like hundreds of messages asking about it. So she's sourced it. She has opened up the pre-order. It's on style obsessed. There is a two-week wait time, I believe. Yeah, it's owned by the modern mum. So go and have a look. I will try and put a link up. I don't get anything from it. I just loved the jump up and bought it and then people asked where it was from. But it's spring is springing. Love it. Right.

Confession of the week. I split from my partner of 16 years seven weeks ago. We have a 10 year old and a 12 year old. I've done something really stupid and we slept together yesterday and today and it's made me so confused. I'm not sure now about my decision. No. The thing is, we have no context as to why you split up.

So it's not like we can say like, don't do it. Like, you need more. It's salvageable. to email in. Did you need a break? Yeah, like, oh God, no, no. Affirmation of the week, forgive yourself for not knowing earlier what only time could teach you. Amen.

I love that. I love it so much. Thank you guys so much. We hope that this has been quite a full-on, like. Feel like a deep, press. Yeah, episode. So our inboxes are always open. The Patreon chat is always open.

and go and join Patreon, head over there. And yeah, we hope you have a lovely week. Love you guys. Bye.