Not Skinny But Not Fat - Brit’s Wedding & The Biz w/ Heather McMahan

Episode Date: June 14, 2022

The hilarious Heather McMahan is here and we break down Britney Spears’ wedding, from the celeb guests to the ex intruder. Heather also shares about her own upcoming Italian wedding, how she’s a Travel-zilla, and what show she thinks stole her life story. Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

The following podcast is a dear media production. Okay, guys, let's talk dating, specifically dating on Match. American singles have spoken and being hot is out and being emotionally mature is in. Match actually does an annual study of over 5,000 U.S. singles, and they found that for the first time in over a decade, emotional maturity ranks higher than being physically attractive on singles priority lists. In fact, before the pandemic, physical attractive, was number one. And now it's all the way down at number eight. Emotionally mature adults are the new

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Okay, you're getting married in how many days? I'm getting married in 10 days, but I'm, I'm leaving in five. Our bitch is having an Italian wedding. Yes, I'm having an Italian wedding. And I got about five phone calls yesterday. of people who did not have passports. Oh, my God. And what do you do? What do you just like...

Well, they don't call you. But first of all, they don't call you. Step one, don't call the bride and make it her problem. I know. And one of them is my man of honor. And I love them. And I'm like, I said, Raymond, you are about to be, like, I was like, how do you not know that your passport was expired?

You've had three fucking years. I'm a COVID bride. We've planned this. We've re-planned this that many times. That's where we're at. COVID bride. When was the OG wedding supposed to be? Summer 2020.

Wow. Okay. I want to tell you, so you know, Stasi Schroeder got married, right? Yes. So in Italy. Yeah.

One of her best friends is wife realized she didn't have a passport, tried to get an appointment, couldn't. The only place she could get an appointment was Puerto Rico. Yep. Flew to Puerto Rico.

yeah for the day for the appointment oh i i had a friend who yesterday was like well looks like i'm going to honolulu yeah so they got to go you got to go six hours because she's on the west goes she's like i'm going six hours west to then go you know 13 hours east to go to i yeah who are these irresponsible people you know it's wild it's actually some of the most responsible people in my life or so i thought and then now i'm just like oh you guys I actually kind of have my shit together. It's alarming. Yeah, but it's good.

I mean, I just need to get to Italy. Here's the thing, too. I feel like because I'm an entertainer, I like to control the narrative of, like, entertaining. Like, I love doing stand-up. I love me on stage. I love entertaining. So for me, the wedding aspect of it is another facet of, like,

I just want people. I like want to force people to come to Italy and have a good time. I don't even give a shit about, like, the bridal attention, which I thought I'd enjoy. I don't enjoy that. do you know what I mean there's like this weird added pressure to like be thin have clear skin and like not be a cunt you know what I mean and you just want people to have fun which is really selfless it is and I you know what not enough people tell me how selfless I am so I want you to know

I appreciate that not enough so are you a bride zilla no I'm not a bride zilla I'm more like a travel zilla I'm like I don't give a shit like I don't care about the flowers any of that stuff. I'm more like, I have people calling me, what airport do I fly into? I'm like the weddings in 10 days. You didn't already book your flight to Europe and peak travel season. You're fucked. Like, you're not coming. You know what I mean? Are you anticipating getting last minute like can't make it? Yes. I'm anticipating getting some got stuck at the border. You know, wasn't vaccinated. Like kind of those where I'm just like, I don't know what to tell you. So how many guests are there? 180. That is insane for a destination wedding.

Yes. And I've learned my lesson. It's not because I have that many friends. It's because I invited people. I'm the kind of person like, if I have one white wine, I'm very friendly. And I'm like, come to my wedding. So I've invited so many people thinking that, oh, not everybody's going to come to Italy. And then everybody is coming to Italy. Everyone's like, we haven't been out of the house in three years. Hell yeah. We're going to plan this trip. And now everyone said yes. No one said no. They all said yes. I am shook. Yeah. How crazy it is like, well, you have a wedding. planner. But it's still really crazy to like plan an international destination wedding. Yeah, I just didn't realize how much handholding there would be. You know what I mean? Because I've been on tour so I feel like I'm a real savvy traveler. You know, I just didn't realize how many of my grown adult friends I'd have to hold their hands of like, so you can fly into Rome. You can take a three hour train. You can transfer through Paris and fly right into Florence. There's just a lot of like I'm a full time. Wait so it's in Florence. Like Travis. Wait, well, no, Travis was in Portofino. They were in Portofino. So I'm in Florence. I'm in Tuscany. Wow, that's a gorgeous landscape.

Yeah. A little boring, though, like in terms of like going out vibes, no, in Florence. No, no, no, no. I studied abroad in Florence. Let me tell you. I can, I can tell my single girls where to get dick down on a good night. No, it's Florence is the jam. Oh, stop.

So I did a few days and maybe I was young and didn't know, but I was like, where are all the hot spots? Oh, they're close. They used to have a club in Florence, and it may still be there called Central Park. And it was kind of like right on the outskirts of town, but everybody from study abroad would go. And when I say they like base it off Central Park in New York. And it was just like in the jungle and it was wild. And I remember I was like 22, didn't have three pennies to rub together and somehow ended up with like a 500 euro bar tab. Because I just kept putting all these Italians kept putting it on like the American Study Abroad Kids tab.

And I was like, I was like, literally, you're going to have to kick me out of study abroad. I can't cover this bill. So I had a good time in Italy. No, it's going to be a rager. But I will tell you, because you're really close to the Kardashians now, which more power to you. I just really feel like Courtney should have called me first because we have dueling Italian weddings. And I just feel like she didn't think of me. And that's really selfish on her part.

You know what I mean? Like, how dare she? Is yours going to be gaudy and sponsored by Dolje Gabbana? It's going to be gaudy. but when I tell you how quickly I was humbled, I had a stylist reach out to like Versace and Gucci because I'm doing a house of Gucci themed wedding and a Versace themed welcome party.

Wait, wait, no, you're not. Yes. Oh, my God, I was kidding. Like, you really are. No, I really am. And do you know that both fashion houses, both brands never returned any calls? So, yes, am I trying to have a gaudy wedding?

Yes. Did Versace or Gucci respond to anybody on my team? saying, hey, this is the vibe, no, we got no phone calls back. They were like, no. Yeah. Yeah. So what did you settle for? I'm still going with those themes. I'm just making my own shit. You know, like a not like a for Sachi, a fake Versace, you know. I'm dead that that's your vibe. Yeah. I like a themed party though. You know, I was, does that mean that you like their wedding? Like, were you a fan when you saw the photos? I actually liked their wedding. I thought it was very cool. Cool. I thought it was a moment. They leaned in. I like anybody who's like, if I'm going to go for it, I'm going to lean all the way in. And they dialed it in. And I thought, I can only have respect for them. I liked it. They dialed it in. But is your dress like still a classy, like, timeless white.

It is white. But I will say that my wedding dress designer, I told her, I said, the vibe I'm going for is Italian Riviera Streetwalker. Like, I want to look like if they're, biggest showgirl met an Italian prostitute, working the, you know, the boardwalk in the summer, that's the vibe. So the boobs are out. Oh, boobs are to my throat. I've got to be slit in the leg. If I don't walk down the aisle and someone screamed, she's a

whore. Like, I will be so devastated. Okay, so we all take our vitamins and, you know, our kids should be taking their vitamins, except so many kids vitamins are like, you know, gummy sugar bear, you know, with so much sugar and chemically stuff, and it's just candy in disguise filled with two teaspoons

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God, yes, probably. So tell people that don't know, like what, what'd you do there? And it might be still on your highlights, no? It is. And, okay, so basically, I'd say, what, four, five years ago, I was hung over one day and I was just Instagram story and I was like, guys, when are we going to talk about Brittany? Like, this is crazy.

Like, why are we all acting like that this behavior's normal? Something's going on. So I called it Brittany 911. one. And then it's gone and then it went totally viral in the sense that I think other people started saying like, you know, this behavior is not, something's happening. I think there's a cry for help or she's trying to, you know, wave the white flag like she needs help. So then her serious diehard fans took it and let it spiral and like took it to a whole other level. But then, you know, watching. I love how you're taking credit for the free Britney movement. No, I literally

started free Britney. I absolutely started free Britney. I will stand strong. I literally started free Brittany. But then like today when I saw, God, did you see that thing where her ex, her first husband broke into her house? Did you see the videos? No, I want to talk to you about the whole thing. But okay, so you did the 911 like the videos are weird thing.

Like what's happening? Yes. I basically just said like this is odd. You know, the dance, the spinning around and bandaged dresses, making these weird like fashion runway shows. And then it just kind of took off. But now seeing like where we're at,

I'm happy Britney is free. Obviously, she's worked your ass off as a performer myself. Like, couldn't imagine if everybody took your shit away that you've worked so hard for. But there is, I feel like we need to get back to the root of something's not right. Right. Right. And I feel like we're scared. Are you a diehard?

Like, were you a Britney fan? I love her. I literally love her. I saw her Madison Square Garden for the circus tour. I was third row. Like, I love Brittany. I think everybody wants what's best for Britney. But I definitely think this.

behavior is maybe a little manic. I can't, I can't put my finger on it. And I think people are afraid to say. And I think people, you know, we want to like root for people. So we're like free Britney. And obviously we wanted her to be free. But I feel like we're so scared in today's climate of not being able to judge people. That we're not allowed to say like this is not.

Like what's happening? Like why can't she get the best doctors, the best drug cocktail to, to, to, you. you know, make her, you know, she's back to the British accent. I saw a couple days ago. Yeah. That was a little bit concerning. Reading her posts on Instagram.

It's like cracking the divinjee code. You know, I can't tell the subtext of the text. I don't know what it is. And I don't try anymore. You know, because I also feel like whenever she posed something, it's like I want to be like, huh? And maybe sometimes share it. But then I feel like, I feel like I'm like betraying her.

and my wanting her to be free and like live her life. If I'm like, you guys, what is this? It's so weird. And then she was pregnant and then she announced that she lost the baby. People were questioning it. It was like a very weird thing. And then all of a sudden we find out a few days ago she's getting married. What do you think of Sam?

Like, what's your hunch? I had a friend who was on set with Sam. He was not an extra, but he had a small role in this big show. And my friend was like, honestly, he couldn't have been nicer, couldn't have been more professional. really nice stand-up guy. I mean, if she's happy, that's great. You know, the wedding photos came out today, and I'm thrilled for her.

I think, I don't know. I feel like all I want to do is take Brittany to a cheesecake factory in the valley and, like, order some cheeseburger egg rolls, get an iced tea and be like, girl. As a Southern girl who went to cheer camp, I know you went to cheer camp, like, let's talk about it. Like, what's going on?

How are you feeling? Because there's a spiral. And I feel like she just doesn't have enough girlfriends in her corner to be like, Hey, chick, what's up? You know, how are you doing? So let's talk about this for a second. So she has this Vicky T, who's her assistant,

who used to be on Cobra Starship, the band. So she's like, technically seems like she's her assistant. And how weird that she was like, I'm away. So like while Jason Alexander breaks into her house, which is crazy on its own, like how do you break into Britney Spears's house on her wedding? Does she not have loads of security? No shit.

That's what I thought. I'm like, where is the team? Where is the SWAT team? Where's the SWAT team? And then not only is he breaking, he's like announcing like, I'm crashing this. Yeah.

This is a piece of shit wedding. Who are you? The guy's like, hi, I'm Michael. And you're like, does Michael not realize there's like a meth head running around?

I thought he would have at least like shown up and maybe like, you know, like kind of look like a cater waiter or brought in maybe a bouquet. Like just grab something off a truck to look like he was supposed to be there. And when I saw the video,

the live stream of him basically literally like you said this sucks these flowers are ugly this is shitty he walked up into her bedroom he got all the way upstairs into her upstairs do you know that i saw this i don't know who posted it but you know there's always going to be someone trying to defend something someone was like if jason alexander looked like george cluny people would say oh for fuck's sake they were like people would say that it's like he came to like you know as the you know the white night the night on the white horse, whatever the fuck. I don't know how people get wild takes like that.

But that's like, how does she not have a security? Like, how did he get in? What's happening? He doesn't look well. He was a live streaming. Could you imagine it only getting 100 views? Oh, God.

And you've like, 100 people were watching. You're like, you're breaking into Bernie Spears. I would be, if I was Bernie, I'd be like, wait, not more people viewed it. Also, no one cared. No one cared. I know.

And that's, he's in a meth spiral. And then the best is at the beginning. of the video, I guess he's like behind her house. It was still a little grainy because you can tell the reception up in like Thousand Oaks is not that great or Hidden Hills wherever she is. But you can tell like, like a security guard kind of stops him. Like somebody's like, hey, hey, you need to get off the property. And he's just like, no, man, I'm good.

And he's like, I'm not gonna. I'm breaking into Britney's house. And he just keeps going for it. And then the guy never like gets off his golf cart to like stop him. Do you know what I mean? And there's a wedding. Like not only is that Britney Spears's house, it was her wedding that day. Which is so weird.

I started thinking, like, does she have agoraphobia maybe? Because, like, she could get married anywhere in the world. And, like, we don't see her out and about, which is, would be understandable if she had this, right? Because of, like, so much anxiety about, like, but, like, why would she choose to do a tent at her house? Like, she could have done her wedding anywhere. I don't think she has agoraphobia because she's been going to Maui a lot, you know? Or whether or not those photos are just, she's been going to Mexico and Maui a ton. So I don't, I think she likes to vacation.

Right. That's a vacation, yeah. She doesn't like planes, though, she said. That's why she didn't go to the Met Gala. Do we believe that? She said she was invited the Med Gala. Hold on. Wait, you missed. You didn't read the caption.

No, no, no. I completely miss this. She didn't, she doesn't like planes. How did she go to Hawaii six times this year? I'm confused. So that was my question, but she posted it a couple times saying, was supposed to go to the med gala, didn't go. I don't like flying or I don't like planes and I that was my question like wait but she literally

vacationed so much I don't think that she's the same flight time yeah it's literally the same flight time I don't think she could handle being in a room and being in front of the paparazzi like like having to do the right carpet and being in a room with all those other celebrities you know I want if she was invited though I thought you said she was invited that's what she's saying I I question everything she was invited absolutely you think okay I mean because that would be a good moment She would have stolen the whole med gala. If Miss Wintour is as devilish as I think she is, absolutely. She was probably invited.

What a great yard moment. Kim Kardashian would like, I know. Kim Kardashian would be like, I've lost 100 pounds for nothing. She would have stolen her moment. And then Brittany just shows up in a dress from wet seal. And she's like, I had this in the back of my closet. You know what I mean? Like a pair of like Jessica Simpson shoes and a wet seal bandaged dress from 2005.

And she's like, I'm thriving. I just wonder why then if she's free and we don't know the details, but like, then speak. Well, she says she's writing a book. I write Jessica Simpsons tell all and that was shocking. So I can only imagine, if Jessica Simpson's laying down those hard facts, I can only imagine what's going to happen when Brittany actually writes it. Going back to her new assistant, though, as somebody who like, who's like, you know, a boss now, I literally the other day she had a photo up of her assistant. And she's like, Brittany is naked on her assistant in the pool. And the first thought in my mind was, this is an HR nightmare.

Like, I, and she puts up this Instagram of her, like, naked on Vicky, right? Vicki, you said Vicky T? Yeah. Yeah. Her assistant, like, wrapped around her in a pool. And I'm just like, Britt, Brett, you can't put this up. Like my business partner texts me and she goes, HR liability. Okay, guys, listen, as I'm married, be myself, and we even talk about it,

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Start selling on Shopify today. Go to Shopify.com slash not skinny right now. Shopify.com slash not skinny. Let's just start with the celebrity guest list. So we have Madge who they know each other since, you know, me against the music. We have Selena Gomez, who we know has recently sent her rare beauty, and Britney was excited. Yes. We have Paris, who we know is, oh, is champion for her. We have Drew Barrymore, who went on, like, a cute little Britney, like, spiel on her show while everything was going on, like, kind of leave her alone vibes.

Kathy Hilton. So what I'm wondering, are, were those women invited because they're legit friends, or was it, like, were they invited because of those moments? Like, oh, Drew was really nice to me and said on her show. You know what I mean? Like, are they chilling? No, I don't think, I want to know who was a guest list at the wedding. Did any of these people actually go to the wedding? Yeah, they were there.

They were there. They're photos. It just came out this morning. I haven't even checked yet. Yeah. Okay. So they went. This morning.

It's the 12.30, Heather. But yes. Okay. I was up until 3.30. I think you forget. I am a comedian. So I don't go to bed before. before that's just how I hate you just because I have to wake up early but I hate everyone who

sleeps like you'll you'll see one day but this is why when people say Heather have a kid I go I don't know how I physically will because my job doesn't end I physically do not get off work to 1 30 in the morning you know what I mean like that so I don't understand how how I'm supposed to have how comedians do it how they do it I mean they have help clearly but I'm like right what do you do when you're literally saying good night Atlanta and you're getting off stage at 1 30 in the morning. You know what I mean? It's crazy. It's a wild ride. Okay, but back to the guest list. I wanted to those people came. The people I told

you like came and were like in it like they were kind of seemed like the main friend group. I want her. I'm like Drew Barrymore. But doesn't it make you feel like everything's okay if Drew was there? Oh, I mean, listen, if Drew Barrymore showed up at my own father's funeral, I would have felt much better about the situation. But she wasn't there and I still resent her for it. Okay. Yes. just feels like she's like, you know, she's like, guys.

Like, I feel like it was like kosher. It was a kosher wedding. You know what I mean? If Drew was there. Cannot agree more. She's just, you know, she probably, I bet Drew was like getting ready with her. You know what I mean? You know, they've maybe met once.

And Drew's like, she's like, Drew, will you get ready with me? And she's like, uh, huh, for sure. Absolutely. It's what happened. Do we know if any of her family showed up? It says that Brian was there her brother, but like I didn't see him in photos. but that would be really interesting as her kids weren't there, which is sad.

Yes. And so here's my one thing. I mean, obviously they're kids, right? But the fact that they are not involved in her life is to me a bigger red flag of there's something going on we don't know about. So while she clearly has pushed everybody out of her family away, the kids want nothing to do with her and that's what's concerning. That's why like there's another layer.

obsessed with their dad. Have you seen? Like, they've seen, I don't remember where, but it's been, like, moments of, like, them being like, my dad is the best thing that ever live. So, like, they're obsessed with him. Yeah. And I mean, listen, K-Fed, he takes care of his kids.

You can't get mad at it. Also, let's just take a moment. K-Fed. His name is fucking K-Fed. You know what I mean? And he had a song called Pau, Pao, Pa-Paz-Zao, which was on my iTunes. Papa Zao, I would be getting ready in college to go out clubbing.

And I'd literally be. like, Popo Zao, Popo Zau. Yeah, the best. It's a, it's a fucking bob. We need to bring it back. Yeah. I love you. I'm dying. No, the Papa Zao, like, do people know what, like, chaotic? Them like smoking cigs and trucker hats in Paris. I don't think the youth of America understands what we grew up with. Because I think we're around the same age. I don't think they understand. How old are you? 35. 34. Okay. So like a little. younger. A little more youthful. You're not lathered in as much sunscreen as I am right now post-hydrofacial because my skin's falling off. Yeah, I don't think they realize. Like, you know, these Gen Ziers, Gen X, I don't even know what generation they are. They just will never understand those early days of the selfie and the Paris and the Lindsay Lohan and the Brits Spears running out

nightclubs together like with the disposable camera. They'll never understand that joy. It's so much, it's, it's, because they're watching, like, curated TikTok dances. Everyone's Martin Scorsese. Like, that don't want to be seen, you know, vaping. So they hide it. And it's like, no, be cool. Just be cool. Yeah.

Be cool. Like, do drugs. Like, get caught snorting. Like, just be, be cooler. Like, live your life. I heard this thing recently. And there was an article on Instagram that people are now snorting caviar in New York. Is that a thing?

Because you're up in New York. Apparently, that's a thing that people are snorting caviar. And I'm like, honestly, that's a hard flex. I've been noticing, it's a thing now. If it used to be like,

let me post on my Instagram, you know, that I have a Chanel bag. So you kind of see it in the frame, or like my Rolex. I just happen to be scratching my face. Now it's literally like bowls of caviar and oysters. I mean,

who knew that a seafood tower would be the next flex? And I'll tell you what. I'm the kind of bitch. If you take me to a steakhouse, I don't even care about the steak. I'm ordering the seafood tower. I'm ordering all the appetizers, all the sides.

Like I want the onion rings with the fancy dip. I want the fancy wedge salad. And then I'm going to get, you know, the potato layanets and the button mushrooms and a seafood tower. So for me, seeing that people are flexing their seafood towers, like that's just, I've always been doing that. So maybe, you know, the real truth is I've been way cooler than I thought I've been for a while. Well, next level is snorting it.

Snorting it. Speaking of the Sags, I did a zoom in on one of the wedding picks. And there was like a pack of Sigs with a lighter on Britney's table. So our queen is still smoking. Yeah, sure. Which I'm into it. You know, I'm just, the reason why I'm into so I'm smoking and I'll put a rest to it because some people are into it also.

Some people judge me is like Hollywood has been so like green juices and like Hatha yoga that like it's nice to see that there's still. some unhealthiness going on. Can I be honest? They're all unhealthy. So when you see, you know, I don't know, somebody at Air 1,

I got bamboozled the other day. I drank a giant celery juice before a flight. I didn't know. Someone was like, Heather, before your wedding, drink celery juice

that'll fucking make you glow. I drank it at 9 a.m. I had a flight at 550 back to the East Coast that night. I literally almost shit my pants in the Delta Sky Club. I have never seen, like my soul left my body.

So don't listen to all of those celebrities because what they're doing is they're going out, doing bumps of caviar, doing bumps of beluga, then they're smoking a pack of sigs, and then the next day they just flush it all out with some celery juice. It's all bullshit. It's all cyclical. Wait, so did you think you're going to have one celery juice and have it work? No, I just thought it was like, oh, I'm going to see if I like it and I'll drink it every day. But this was my first full celery juice experience.

And I didn't realize the amount that I got at Airwant was supposed you're supposed to have like a cup a day. I chugged the whole fucking bottle thinking this was like a coconut water and I literally within 10 minutes and I had a podcast all day. It was the most horrific day of my life. Wait, but if you were home and it was like a cleanse, that could have been a vibe now. Oh, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would go do hard drugs the night before. I'd do like a ton of cocaine and then celery juice the next day and I'd feel like a new person. So that's the secret. Everybody. Okay. So speaking of the SIGs, I want to want to ask you, because I know you love Brittany and you, you're into the Kardashians.

Yeah. Would you rather have a SIG with Brittany or with Chris Jenner? Oh, fuck. It's hard, right? I don't know my answer. So you go first. I'm going to tell you this right now. Selfishly, Chris Jenner.

Because I want Chris Jenner to, like, basically look me up and down and be like, this is how we're going to fix your career. You don't know what I mean? Like, I need the boss bitch. The Shempire moves. Yeah. But he's giving you nothing. If I'm going to be selfless, I'm having a SIGgy with Britt, and I'm like, bitch, tell me everything.

You know what I'm saying? But if I'm going to be selfish in this moment, which that's just where I am in my life right now, I think I'm going to go Chris Jenner simply so I can get, be like, Chris, what's my next move, you know? Wait, this is reminding me. Wasn't it, was it Jackie Schimmel when you went with her to Paris? Didn't she buy a fake SIG? Oh, she bought a fake SIG. And the funny thing is, I have to sing, I love a vacation SIG. I'm not proud of it.

I just have a naturally... Like a skinny one? Or is there a type? A long capri cigarette. And it's really thin. There is something, if you ever smoked in college, and I was never a big smoker, but I mean, I'd have a couple beers in college

and a fucking parliament. Let's be honest. And... Oh, I hated those filters. Oh, they were the worst. And you knew if you had a menthol the night before. You're like, oh, who at the Sigma Chi House gave me a menthol?

Because you literally could not speak. You had a source. throat for like four weeks. No, people that commit to menthol's and like that's their cigarette, like, wow. Wow. Yeah, okay. But no, Jackie is a much better woman than I am. She did not smoke. I think I had one vacation cigarette, but it doesn't, it doesn't count. If you're in Europe, you know how like when you go, say you can't eat dairy in the United States because all of our food is poison. When I go to Italy, I eat all the fucking gluten, all the dairy because it's, it's regulated over there. Like everything's clean and from the earth and natural.

And I also feel like tobacco is like that. And I know that that is not the case because on the path, if you go to Europe on the packet of cigarettes, it literally shows like, you know, somebody's face melting off, somebody with lung cancer. But I'm like, it's fine. We're in Europe. It's fine. I know.

They do the really graphic photos. Yeah. But it makes you, I'll tell you why, because like everyone's hotter. So hot. And they smoke. So you just like assume that whatever they're doing. must be working. It's like, because you go to Israel a lot, right?

That's your place, which I'm dying to go. That's on my bucket list. I'm literally dying to go. Everybody smokes. Everybody smokes and everyone's drop-dead gorgeous. Yeah. Gorgeous. Yeah.

Everybody smokes. Yeah. It's wild. It's wild when you're like, wait, they're lighting up in here. Like, you don't know what's happening. Where here you could be at the park and, you know, I think, I think it's just like we're not doing drugs. you know, we're not, you're like, I am.

Can I tell you? I, you know, back in the old Adderall days, I used to say, Adderall never affected me the way it affects a lot of, like, thin women. Like, I would never lose my appetite. I just eat faster. You know what I mean? I was like, woof down a cassidia. And I'm like, how are you guys losing your appetite?

Even like a little cocaine, I'm like, I'm not, not hungry. So this is, if the whole point of this is to get thin, it's not working on me. I just shit my pants. in a nightclub, you know? Not on a great. Okay, you guys know, and you see that I wear my Rothies all the time. I freaking love them. My Rothies, I have the everyday shoe, I think it's called.

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So if you guys don't know Heather McMahon, like you should and you probably do, but you are a comedian and an actor. Actor, yes. You were, you did it up this year. I mean, I did it up for sure, but, you know, I'm a classically trained actor, but I really only get roles as a clown.

So I am just, I'm a fucking court jester for Netflix at this point. You know what I mean? Well, you did the love hard with Nina Dobrev, right? Yes. But you were like the funny, cute friend. Why is that a jester? No, it's not. I had a great time.

But the funny thing was, I'm in the movie for literally no more than seven and a half minutes. But they used my bit for the entire trailer because I saw what they did there. They're like, Heather's got a really, like, strong fan base. We know that these people are going to come out. And so I was like, oh, I see what you did. You bamboozled my audience because then when you start the movie, I'm only in it for the first seven minutes. And then I disappear. I see what they.

did. Wait, so it's not even a collective seven minutes. It's the beginning seven minutes. No, it's like I'm in the first, yeah, no, it's, yeah, it's sprinkled through the first seven minutes. But I could, I could feel your vibe and tell me if I'm wrong. It's like everyone was so happy for you, right? And you have such supportive people. But I feel like what you're feeling is like, yeah, bitch, I was in a thing and like I should be in more things and I should get more time. I mean, you know, I've been doing stand up forever, but I went to school for theater so like I'm an actor you know like this is my love and I'm a writer and I think like as a stand up you're already kind of a self-starting person like I've already always created my own material and my own things but it's so nice to go on auditions but here's the thing all right I am obviously still hustling in my career but I would love to get to the point where I don't have to keep doing these soul draining auditions like the day I know why I will have made it is when somebody just calls and they go they give you the offer you know what I mean I am still doing self-tapes in my mom's fucking basement with a ring light.

She's yelling at me. I'm yelling at her. My husband's holding the iPhone. Like, it is, it is. Wait, but aren't self-tapes better than going? Yes and no, but I mean, nothing's in person anymore. But I'm one of those people. I went over the room. Do you know what I mean?

Like you rather be like, hi you. Yeah. Like, like, talk, yeah. I may use car salesman. I, if I wasn't doing comedy, I'd be in real estate or be a part of an MLM. You know what I mean? I'd be in a pyramid scheme. selling skin care.

And I would be at the top fucking tier driving the white Lexus with, you know, all of the fucking trips to Mexico and all the incentive trips, I would do it. I crushed sales. Yeah.

So not to name drop, but I was at a thing last night and I met busy Phillips. And I'm such a fucking, what's it called when you just want to know information? Nosey, like nosy Nelly. Yeah. Nosey bitch.

No stupid. So she was talking about her new show, which is like five Eva. Oh, Girls Five Eva. Yeah. Yeah. I got nervous. I thought you were like, there was like a new, new show. I'm like, I didn't hear about this other show.

What are you talking about? Girls Five, Eva. It's on Peacock. So my first question, because I'm so interested in this world when she told me like how, like she got the part. And I was like, did you have to audition? Yeah. Like that's what I want to know.

It's such a crucial thing to like when you know. somebody's like really huge like you were saying is your goal in life or did she just give it to you like was my question you know she's really good friends with tina fay so i'm sure she probably did yeah so so i think when she was telling the story and she was like tina called me i thought it was like tina from accounting and didn't put it together until the end i was like oh it's tina fay and she like wanted her to do it and and here it is but yes that is the goal for somebody to just call you not you not having to audition man that is it like and let me tell you like when i was I was on tour and I was on the road.

Like, I have done auditions in the bathroom at a holiday inn. I've done an audition in that, like, a Chipotle parking lot. I mean, I will do these anywhere. And I've noticed that I'm not booking any of these jobs, which is a little humbling, but I just can't wait. I can't wait till somebody from, you know, Hulu's like, bitch, you got this. You don't have to audition. Come in. We've got a bump of caviar waiting for you to sign on the dotted line.

But is your, so would you want to keep doing... at all? Or would your real dream be to just be an actor? No, I mean, listen, when you do comedy, there's no better high than touring and being in front of live audiences. I will always do that. That is the love. That is where I started. That's my true love. As cheesy as that sounds. But I mean, I'm a writer and a creator. Like, I want to be on television and films. And I've got a show that I'm, um, we're in the works. You know, I don't even know how this business works. I had one show with Peacock. They decided we're going to shift. We're going to pivot. And now we're pivoting in a different direction, but we're still

working on it. So as soon as I know what the fuck's going on, I'll let you know, because I never know what's going on. I know. People don't know how crazy this world is and how it all works. Like, I was asking all these questions. So like, for example, Jenny Molan just came out in the book, City of Like, it's a great book. You guys should read it. And she said that they, Sony already picked it up, right? And you're like, ooh, what does that mean? And it comes. And it. And it comes out is a deadline article, which, like, isn't that the dream of life? You probably had a deadline article. I did when Peacock, when Peacock bought my show, it said, like, they're going to develop it.

And then everyone's like, where's your show? And I'm like, I don't know, tweet Peacock. Ask him where my show is. So, oh my God, but that's such a, that's a moment, a deadline article. A deadline article is a moment, but it actually truly means fucking nothing. That's the thing that people don't get. Like, it's literally. And then what?

So I was trying to understand. So like the fact that like Sony got her book means that it means, I'll tell you what it means. And I love Jenny. But it means that Sony bought the rights to it to probably develop it. And it'll probably sit in developmental hell for the next four years and they get shopped around because some old. And then they get chopped around. Yeah. Because some old.

And that works. Old fucker named Bob who works at the head of like, who's like one of the execs is like, I don't understand women. Like literally that's how that's how it works. So yeah. And she has to write it. Yeah. Which, you know, like now she has to, like, write it as a show, which, like, you have to do it. After writing my first show that didn't get picked up, I said that was the hardest six months of my life.

I'm like, I can go out there, do a two-hour stand-up show. I can write new material for that. But writing for television was, it was crazy. But now that I've done it, I'm like, it's a well-oiled machine. But, man, it was insane. because you're just so in your head you don't know what is you know what is

you're not getting automatic feedback you don't know speaking of shows I saw that we're both obsessed with hacks yes but I'm a point what oh I'm obsessed in a way that very candidly

it's like looking into my future in the mirror and it's really freaking me out all my costumes all the costumes that I've been wearing on the road for the last five years she wears

now I know that hacks is really probably based off Joan Rivers that is what it is and I base my life life off Joan Rivers. So really, I can't say that they're stealing anything for me, but there have been some jokes where I'm like,

okay. Really? Just, it's the, that's all I'll say. I'm not bitter, I'm better. But don't you feel like in your world and in this world also of like social media and memes and jokes and everything going viral and you don't know where it starts? It's like, isn't it so hard to trace down like,

wear some things you're like no bitch it was mine no but like things get like recycled and then they don't even know where they heard it and then they say it you know what I mean yeah for sure and listen at some point some like when we all came out with COVID material everybody at some point is going to have a similar thing I've had a joke about taking my emergency weight taking off my jeans and having a cesarean scar where your jeans dig into your fupa for years that's on like semi similar thing one guy had on like one of his specials and I'm like but it's totally different because I'm a woman and I have a different perspective. Yes, I mean, everybody, you know when there's just like actual joke stealers

and I'm not calling them out on that, but it's just what hits home is seeing how hard it is and not that I never want to be one of those, like, it's harder to be a female comedian. That's not it. But it's re-inspiring seeing how she bust her ass, seeing how Deborah Vance, the shit that she has had to go through, being in particularly the world of stand-up, it's a whole other ballgame. It really is. But like everything, like in the first season, Ava had an ovarian cyst explosion.

I've had one of those. Her dad dies. Deborah's producing her own stand-up special. Like, all of these things have happened. All of these things have happened to me. I'm like, this is just bizarre. But, you know, whatever. It's, it's, that's what it's like to do.

Be in the biz. But you know what? I feel like you would be such a good writer on a show. Have you ever done that? Like, have you ever written or like punched up the way Ava punched up on shows? For sure. But I definitely think I'm a. performer. So at the end of the day, like,

Mama's writing for herself. You know what I mean? Right. Right. Yeah. Right. That's, I, yeah, because then it's not yours. Yeah, it's not yours. I mean, I love doing other people's stuff because that's really the joy. Like when it's, when I haven't written it and I get to play somebody else and somebody else thought of it, that's the dream. But really and truly, like, I have such an extensive wig collection. I just feel like, I have enough wigs to play enough characters. So put me in coach. You know what I mean? Like, I'm ready to go. Wait, so aside from you thinking that they stole your whole life story, NBJ, you did love it.

Oh, I love it. It's great. And again, it just, it's because it hits so close to home. Like every episode, I'm like, oh, my God, this is my life. This is currently my life, you know? Wait, where are you living now? I'm in Atlanta. So I used to live in New York, lived in L.A. before that.

And then during the pandemic, my husband and I moved back to Atlanta. Are you both from there? No, my husband's from New York. And we literally moved into my childhood home. my mom lives with us. We live with her. I don't know who lives with who. And that's, that's what I'm doing. Yeah, stay humble. Is that you're like, you feel like you're going to stay there? Yeah, it's really weird. People get so uncomfortable. Like, our friends even are like, so are you always going to like live with your mom? And I'm like, yeah, we have a fucking great setup.

I mean, it's weird. Since my dad died, my mom, I've always been really close with my family. But I always do I'd come back to Atlanta at some point. And now that, you know, the pandemic really brought us all even closer together. But I love it. Like my mom, we have a fucking great time. My husband loves it. And I've said many times, like, honey, we don't have to do this. Like we can afford our own house.

We can go do our own thing. Well, right now with inflation, no, I probably can't. But, you know, I'm like, we can do our own thing. And he gets treated like a fucking king. My husband is literally doted on. My mom is obsessed with him. I'm chopped liver. So he's like, no, we're never moving.

We live right next to the golf course. he's living his life. Do not let him fool you. Yeah. Wait, so he, oh my God, I'm dying. So you called him your husband. So you're already officially husband and wife. Yes. So we got married Christmas of 2020 at the courthouse in Atlanta because my accountant called me and he's like, hey, you had a really successful year last year. I really need you guys to legally tie this up so you can save money on your taxes filed so you can file jointly. So we had to legally get married because, you know, mom's a boss bitch and so this is just a party and now it's literally like two years later it's two years later and honestly what i've still gone through at the party i don't know but i paid all

these vendors my husband's italian italian american i'm italian american but you know italians are shady as fuck you can say and i paid all these italian vendors in cash at you know this summer of 2019 and a year before you know the preparation in preparation for my 2020 wedding and then if you think that you're ever going to see that money again you're not so i was like we're having a fucking party oh my god yeah that's so wild then how many years are you together 12 been together a long time yeah so are you still having sex oh all the time yeah stop but can i tell you this is why because i'm on the road a lot yeah yeah i'm on the road a lot so it's kind of like we're long distance so when i'm gone for three weeks i come back ready to go you know there are nights where i feel

I have to do my wifely due diligence and I'm, you know, I've taken two melatonin and I'm kind of laying there like dead. You know, one time Jeff was like, are you fucking asleep? And I was like, it's fine. He's like, no, I feel like a duke lacrosse player. Like, I'm not doing this shit. He's like, no. But, um, yes, I still, I still enjoy sex. Now granted, though, we do not have children. Okay. All my friends who have kids are go, when you rip tip to taint, you will not want to have sex anymore. You will hate him. There's literally a book called How to Not Hate Your Husband After Having Kids. Like, it's a thing. It's wild. Do you, now, why do you think is it because physically how you feel or is it because? No. I don't think it's physically. I think it's at the

beginning. I mean, I'm a, we're over that hump, but right. He will tell you what a raging bitch I was to him. It's like, you did all this shit. You were pregnant. You went to the appointment. you had to, like, get your blood taken every day. You had to, like, carry this physical weight, this burden, have all the stress on you. Give birth, which is, like, literally an animalistic experience. Like, it doesn't matter that it's in a hospital. You're with your legs, you know, up. To your throat.

Yeah. You're literally, they're telling you to, like, push like you're pooping, all the shit. And literally, and they're just, like, there. And then when the baby comes, they, it takes them a little while to, like, realize what's happening because they weren't experiencing this whole thing. You know what I mean? They were on the sidelines. So I think it's just like the anger of like, of like, and you're breastfeeding usually at the beginning at least. And they don't, and they're like, sorry, I can't, I'm not, I don't have it.

So all these things makes you hate them. It's that, I think. I hated Jeff. We did egg freezing at the beginning of last year because I have low fertility. And I talk about it. My stand up and all this stuff. this is not like, you know, newsflash. But so I went, you had to go through a really aggressive process of doing egg freezing to get an,

we got one embryo out of doing this like three rounds. And I, you know, it mimics how you feel when you're pregnant because you're pumping all these hormones and you basically go through that whole thing. And I'm giving myself five shots a day and I'm like bloated. My tits hurt. I'm losing my mind. I'm hormonal. And I'll, Jeff and I've gotten in our, we've never gotten in a bigger fight.

He dropped me off for a blood test at 8 a.m. I had to go in. This is the day before. they're going to do this retrieval. I said, I am so nauseous. I feel so sick. Can you please run across to Chick-fil-A, get me a biscuit?

And by the time I'm done, I will be good. I come out. There's no biscuit. And I said, where's my Chick-Flea biscuit? And I quote, he goes, I wasn't hungry yet.

I thought I'd wait for you and then we'd go together because I wasn't hungry yet. I literally, like, exorcism, my head spun. I was like, I didn't fucking ask you if you were fucking hungry, Jeff. I'm on drugs right now.

I'm giving myself five injections. I'm nauseous as shit. Get me the fucking biscuit. He literally, like the life left his body. He had never seen me spiral like that. So if that was even one even tiny taste of what it's like to be pregnant, I'm going to be a fucking nightmare. You will.

And then when you go to the hospital and you give birth and he's complaining that the chair is uncomfortable, like. Oh, forget it. Just murder him. Just take him out. No, you'll get away with murder. Heather McMahon, thank you so much for coming on my podcast. Thank you for having me.

It's been a long time coming. And I'm so glad I told you when like usually swaps make me want to throw up. But with you, I was like, thank God. I feel like it was just like the universe was waiting for the right moment. So thank you for making it happen even when you're like spiraling 10 days before. Well, listen, bitch, you still got to come on mine. So you know what I mean? She got episodes to bank.

No, literally. It's a business deal. It's a business. It's a business transaction. But no, I adore you and I follow you. And you know, I always comment on everything because I just think all of this, like, you are in the trenches. You are doing the work. And we cannot thank you enough for what you do, keeping us abreast to everything that's going in Hollywood. And then when I bring you on my podcast, I will grill you about meeting Chloe because I need to know everything.

I'll tell you, baby. I love it. Have the best time. I can't wait to see your gaudy-ass wedding. I'm so excited. Buckle up, bitches. Thank you guys so much for listening to this episode of Not Skinny but Not Fat. Follow me on Instagram at Not Skinny but Not Fat. Subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss any episodes. Rate the podcast that you love so much on Apple Podcasts and write a little review.

If you tell me you did, I'll give you a big virtual smoocharoo. Thank you guys so much for listening and I'll see you next Tuesday. Thank you.