Not Skinny But Not Fat - Housewives, Judaism, & Mental Health w/ Leah McSweeney

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

I catch up with NY Real Housewife Leah McSweeney about converting to Judaism, her mental health struggles, her unique relationship with Julia Fox, dating life, which co-stars she's speaking to, if she’s going back on RHONY, her book Chaos Theory, her sobriety and more! Produced by Dear MediaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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stinks and I love you and I hope that you still love me also it's my birthday today so like I'm really chill didn't make a big deal but it's my thanking birthday okay uh one of you actually DMed me like when I said oh my god I didn't even think about about the fact that my birthday is coming up one of you was like I mean you say that every year because every year I'm like oh my god I'm so chill what's happening who am I but I am I'm really chill so zero expectation just like, you know, going to be super low key. But like, if you guys don't wish me, happy birthday, I'm fucking gonna be done with you.

This is Amanda Hirsch from the Not Skinny but Not Fat podcast. You might know me from Not Skinny Bonifah on Instagram, where I spend my time talking about reality TV, celebrities, everything happening, and pop culture. I also talk to some of our favorite celebs and reality TV stars. We talk about what's going on. Tune in every Tuesday and just feel like, like you're talking to show with your best friends in your living room.

Hi, Leah McSweeney. Hi. I haven't talked to you in forever. I know. I was just flashing back to the last time you were on. You were for a season of Roney, flying high like a kite. like not on drugs but on life yeah i am still oh good well i'm so happy but that was like

the beginning kind of the wow of reality tv so was it when i was it when it first started airing that i yeah and everyone was obsessed with you yeah because you really it was like we needed that like fresh vibe on on on the show people are still obsessed with me just some of them not in a positive way. Why are you thinking that I'm saying that I'm saying, I'm not saying they're not anymore. I'm saying where we were. I mean, because everybody, I'm just going to start everyone, I mean, like I've been doing a lot of press with the book and everyone's always brings up, you were so loved the first season. And then the second season, I'm just like, oh my God, can we stop with this? It's like, this is not like a new thing that like you're hated one season,

your loved one season. It's like, come on. Like, it's old news. Okay. Well, first of all, going to, like, be mad at me, but I, I think I even told you that I didn't really keep up with the second season as much. Oh, my God. I'm so not mad at you at all. Okay. Okay. Um, because I loved, like, I was, I literally with the housewives, New York was my favorite. And then I think the, the second season, like the last season. I want to just, let's forget that it even exist. I'm glad you didn't watch it. We don't have to talk about it. I'd like to pretend like it didn't happen. Like, it's over. So, but no, but my, me saying, all that stuff was not even talking about the second season because I didn't watch it. It was literally

me trying to pull myself back the last time that we spoke and you were on my podcast and you were experiencing this new thing of being on the show and you brought this different energy. We were talking shit. You were honest about, you know, the things. And we when we were talking about, was it PETA guy? Yeah, yeah, Peta. We were talking about Peta. I remember. I remember. I know, I just got all defensive before. I'm just like, I'm used to it at this point, you know, so. Yeah. But I do.

I remember sitting in my, on my dining table. I remember in my apartment. I remember. Did you think of Al now? What? Wait, did I make up her name? Oh, princess. Angel.

Angel. Yeah, a little angel. Now I have Ruby also, who's a psycho. But, um. Is it the same kind of dog? Yeah, but she's a long hair chihuahua. And she's an apple head, not a deer head. And she's insane because she's from Brooklyn.

And she's an out of school. dude. Oh my god. Those little dogs are shitheads though now. They are. They really are. And you wrote a book, which is part of why we're here today. Yeah. So much stuff has gone on since the last time I've been on your show. It's honestly like I've had like seven different lives or something. You're a Jew now. I'm a Jew. I mean, there's so much. There's so much. I have a new Chihuahua. I'm a Jew. I have a book. I just I'm obsessed with you becoming a Jew. You know, like, you know, what's so funny is I remember the last time we were on the podcast.

Sorry, guys, you're going to have to tune into part one. Yeah. I was trying to think of, like, setting you up. And I literally got off the podcast with you. And I have, my brother-in-law is, like, 39. So I was, like, perfect. Like, maybe he has, like, friends. Yeah.

And I remember talking to one of his friends who's, like, he's really. And you were telling me your type that you like, like, this really attitude. And I don't know if I ever told him those things. talking to him, and he was like, oh, but she's not Jewish. And now I should go back. Now it's a whole different story. Wait, you need to tell people, first of all, you're Irish, right? Irish and Italian. So Irish Catholic. Yeah. How the hell did Leah McSweeney convert to Judaism? You know what? I actually think it makes a lot of sense because a lot of the values, um, in Judaism and Catholicism are very similar.

Also, the things about Catholicism that I really, like I haven't celebrated Christmas in many years. Have I had a Christmas tree? Sure. But I take my daughter and we fly on Christmas Day on the 25th with all the other, with all the Jews, and we go to the Caribbean. We go to Jamaica.

And it's us and a lot of Jewish people pretty much, you know. Also, so when I was a kid in Catholic school, And this is no shade to Jesus or Catholicism. My mother is a devout Catholic. I respect it. I respect religious people. Whatever. When I was in Catholic school, when we prayed and when I would pray at home, because I really felt connected to God, I felt connected to God, not Jesus.

And I really feel like I was praying to the God of the Jews, to Hashem, not Jesus, you know. And when I was 19. or 18, I read The Red Tent, which is a book about Jacob's wives, all his wives. One is Leia, right? Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. And I was fascinated. Growing up, I had a Jewish best friend. I had many Jewish friends, but my really best friend was Jewish. And I was very interested, always, in everything, in all of the holidays. And then when I was 26, I went and worked in the garment district and my business partners were two religious Jews. And I was talking to rabbis all day, every day. I've always been seeking the meaning, the spirituality, the why are we here, the who, you know, what's really going on

and all of that. And I've done it. And I talked about the book. I went to a Hari Krishna temple for two years. I've, you know, I've done a lot of stuff. I always kept coming back to Judaism. And so when the pandemic hit, I was like, I need to really do this shit because tomorrow was not promised and I need to make my life the way I want to. And I think I always thought, how can I convert? I'm exactly. I went to Catholic school. I'm Irish Italian. My mom is like a devout Catholic. I'm like, but I feel connected to this religion. So why shouldn't I go for it? And I was like, you know what? I'll go through the process. And by the end, if I don't want to convert, I don't have to. I'll just go through the process. It'll be interesting. I went through the process, which people thought was. a storyline, which is insane because it's literally a two-year commitment. Okay, this is a long time coming. Yeah. Have you guys not seen that sex in the city? How many times Charlie got shot down?

Sometimes, you know. You know, and so I went through the motions. You didn't watch season 13, but when I, I, you know, I was like, I'm going to convert Orthodox. And then, like, I converted at a conservative synagogue because I didn't know what I was getting myself into and I didn't really. I was learning as I was going on and, you know, doing things. which it wasn't really covered much and that's I mean that's that's fine with me because it was

super personal and everything so you know and now I'm Jewish I think it was in late March or mid-March that I actually went to the mikva and was converted and did my Vietin and everything and yeah was that emotional for you yeah it was um I didn't like break down or anything it was pretty surreal because I guess I've been thinking about that moment for a long time but my rabbi sucker, shout out rabbi Zuckerman. He's so cool. He like facetimed his daughter in Israel and we talked to her and she was like congratulations and you know it was great. It was really great. I love the Jewish people. I'm happy I'm Jewish. I really. Who also took on though the Jewish like burden. Do you know? Yeah, but I feel it. Right. I don't see it as a burden and I, I,

I'm like, you know what? I'm going to be, if I'm going to be Jewish, I'm going to be a proud Jew and, like, stand up for my people when I need to. And, you know, you need to get a free trip to Israel out of this. I really do. I think I'm going to go. I've had people who like, tell me that I can't. Yeah, because I'm assuming, listen, the whole- I've been to Israel, though. Oh, you've been? Oh, you're such an interesting person, Liam, sweetie. okay my little horny bees know you're horny i know it and sometimes you need you know you want to feel like little hot and heavy with yourself okay don't be ashamed so spice it up spice things up and explore your inner desires and fantasies by finding stories that match your mood on

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I think maybe his mother's mother was Jewish and fled to France. I like made this whole story up. I'm crazy. I'm like, I think she's like 5, 10% Jewish. So I recently had her DNA done. I got it back two days ago. She's like 40% Italian and 60% Irish. I'm like, here, you're not Jewish.

She's like, I know you're upset right now, mom. It's okay. But does she, how does she feel about it? Like, does she feel like she's Jewish by kind of being your daughter or is she not taking that on at all? She's not taking that on. She's her own person. I had my first Passover Seder.

I hosted it at my apartment. Her and her friends came over. They were like, I thought, I mean, to me, the next day I was like, wasn't that so much fun, Kiki? And she was like, not really. Like, it wasn't. I'm like, whatever. I had fun. Like, it was great. Did you follow all this? Like, did you know what's on the Seder play? Like, I don't even know. But you just learned it probably. I just learned it. But of course, I was researching. And, you know, the thing is, you can do all the studying you want. It's hard to, like, you have to live it to know it and practice it. Like, by reading

the book or text, like, that's not how you, like, do it. You have to just actually physically do it. I had two people here who were born Jews, so they helped me. You know, of course. I mean, I tried givilta fish for the first time. You know what? It wasn't like as bad as I thought it was going to be. It's like an acquired taste. No, no.

Guilte fish is literally like if you put a bunch of weird fish in a blender and then blended it and then combined it with gelatin, then we kind of is like that. But like, we like it in this weird, fucked up way, which is literally just an entrance, like, to, like, the fact that you had it just means you're officially a Jew. Thank you. Do you feel like you only want to date Jews now, even though you've dated a lot of Jews before? I've dated a lot of Jews before. I'm not dating at all. And so I'm okay with that with my luck.

I'll, like, fall in love with a non-Jewish guy and be like, like, you have to convert, you know, or whatever. not like I'm not, you know, but I don't know. I'm not dating, so I'm not even thinking about it. Why, is it a decision, like, or is it just not? I'm just not interested. Really? Yeah. People are very weirded out by this.

They're like, darn, don't you feel like something's missing from your life? Don't you, like, get horny? And, I mean, I had my tagline. I'm sex positive. I totally fucking jinx myself with that because now I have no sex. It's crazy. You know what? I've just been, like, I've been so busy, like, with the book and everything and just, like,

other stuff, like the brands and my kid and I don't know. I just, I'm in a place of, like, I'm just going with it. I'm not interested in dating. I'm not, like, horny. Like, I'm just very focused on doing me and, like, taking, seizing every opportunity that I have right now, and, like, I don't need to be distracted. Yeah. Yeah, but yeah, right, but you could still, like, get your groove on.

No, I really don't have time. Like, well, I go to sleep at 10.3. Like, I'm very regimented. You know what I mean? Like, I don't, I actually, like, there was this one, like, young guy that I was, like, seeing for, like, two weeks. And it was fun. Oh, my God.

Wait, no, I have to tell you about this. So I met a Jewish guy, but he's Orthodox. Wait, like, had, should not. Sorry, he's modern orthodox. I don't even know. So, so full transparency. I'm Jewish and fucking half Israeli but still I I get confused with all the things so don't feel like like okay so orthodox he's not he was he's modern orthodox he doesn't like he

dresses normally he doesn't wear yama ago all the time but he's following strict like he's kosher he does not touch any electricity or spot like you know it's pretty hard for he was hitting on me I randomly met him organically met him very good looking very like amazing banter back and forth i like hadn't been horny in so long our phone conversations were everything i was like oh my god i'm so fucking horny for this guy he's hitting on me hardcore and he disappears during passover after passover i'm kind of like waiting from to hit me up he doesn't hit me back up and then i hit him up like what happened like i'm like just i don't play games anymore i'm almost 40 years old like bro just tell me what's good

you know and i had a feeling it was related to me being a convert but i wanted to know and he's like oh hi and like talked all formal to me i'm like what like what happened why'd you stop flirting with me like what's going on he's like honestly lea i'm sorry if i misled you i can't marry a convert or a woman who's been divorced and i was like okay well first of all i was an unwed mother i wasn't divorced and second of all it's only one out of two right exactly i'm like if you knew i was a convert Why did you flirt with me, you know? But then the more I talked to him and he opened up to me, he's really repressed sexually because of his education and stuff, like, which, you know, no judgment.

And I didn't judge him at all. He's like, do you, because he was telling me that he has had sex with like non-Jewish women. I'm like, so you broke the rule already. He's like, I know it doesn't make any sense and it's illogical and it's hypocritical. I'm like, yo, I'm honestly not judging you. I obviously, I'm Jewish, like, and I would never judge, like, another Jew for like, yes, you pick and choose certain things that you want to do out of the religion. Like, I get it.

But that was a bummer. But I was definitely horny from him. So it's, listen, if I meet someone that interests me, I'm open, but I'm busy. I love that. Thank you. No, I do. I love that. Live your life, as Courtney Kardashian would say, you know?

I'm living life. Live your life. Wait, I just want to ask about your parents regarding the Judaism thing. How did they take that? mom not like I'm happy not that happy she was like yeah bunny was like Judaism like I can kind of see you converting to Buddhism but like Judaism like I don't get it

I feel like she doesn't even know like she's like Leah what now yeah exactly she's kind of like that she's like is this like another like what are you doing now like you found something else that you're like you know obsessed with or whatever but what she doesn't realize is how many Jews become Buddhists I feel like a lot of Jews are into Buddhism. Oh, I don't know.

You're like, mom, not Buddhism now, but who knows? Right. Like, and you're down the line? I mean, I'm interested in Buddhism, too. Why not? It's great. And your dad? You know, he's like in his own world.

He's just like, oh, okay, whatever. Like, he does, you know. And your sister, I'm going to go one by one. She's great. Sarah's great. I mean, at first when I told her, I was converting. And I, yeah, she was, I was, when I told her I was converting orthodox, she was like, what the fuck are you talking about, you know? And then obviously I didn't do it. But like, she was definitely like, what? Like, she was like definitely not about it. But that was if I was converting into like a very serious, like religious sect of Judaism, which obviously I did. But do you keep Shabbat? So I don't go on social media and I don't go on the news during Shabbat. I'm on my phone though. You know what? I, I'm like my goal is to one day get to the point where I'm not on my phone

at all because that actually sounds great or watch TV at all. But because of like Kiki, like I have to be like kind of, it's hard when you're alone, you know. Yeah. And like we're saying with Judaism, it really is like a lot of Judaism isn't only being publicist. It's like the spiritual and cultural aspect of being to do, which I feel like this is like this white. you connected with a lot from growing up. But I look at Yom Kippur, which like, I decided I'm not fasting anymore. And I do, like what you were saying, I do, I call it a virtual fast. And it's so nice for me. And I really feel like in my own way, I am honoring young before because social media for me is everything. You are. It's more, it's like more important than food to you.

It's like more than food. So for me to say, I'm taking this day. I'm taking this day. not necessarily like to repent but like I'm taking I'm doing my own version of a fast and I think that with Judaism it's there's something nice to be able to pick and choose listen there are people that don't eat that you know separate the milk and the cheese but they you know eat with the same fucking like people choose how they want to do it and and it's fine people say oh they eat rice during fucking thing and they're like wait only Sephardic do's eat right on par's over. It's like, I'm Sephardic. For this, I was over, I'm Sephardic.

You know what? I also had a rabbi's wife tell me that Shabbat, like what I give up on Shabbat should add to my life, not make it more complicated. So it adds to my life to be off social media and the news for actually to barely go on from Friday to Sunday because now I'm like, I love not being on it that I just like keep it going. so through Sunday also. Oh, that's amazing. Oh, yeah. Okay, so Roney's season 13, from what I understood, wasn't the best season of life.

Like, right? And is there still a question if it's coming back or not? Or I heard it's going to be like the new, like new wines and combination or what do you know? I don't, I honestly don't know. I mean, I know only like what everyone else knows, which is like there's a reboot and there's a Roney legacy. And I really don't know much more than that. Like I've said this before, which it like got taken out of context, but like the way I go about my life is like that it's not happening. You know what I mean?

Like I'm not banking on it to come back. I'm not banking on going back. Like I don't see it that way. Like it doesn't mean I don't think I'm going to go back. It's just like, that's how I live in my life because who the hell knows? Oh, I live my life that way, too. If I have like an audition for going tomorrow or an interview for a job, I'll assume I'm not getting in if I get it great.

Exactly. Like, those are patients people. Yeah, that's how I live my life. By the way, I just want to say it works for me and everything. If I, let's say, Leah and I make plans to have a drink or not get to see sober to have a coffee. and I go in my head probably not going to be fun whatever if anything I'll come home

I'll have the most fun because I always go in being like and I'll see other people like getting excited to go to like an event or a party or whatever and be like oh my God and then they get disappointed they're always disappointed I'm always not disappointed because I'm always

expecting and not to be good same we're pessimistic we're realist It's realist. And I was in therapy and I remember her being like, we should like work on that. I was like, I actually don't want to. Yeah. Because I like it. Yeah. So you're going to assume you're not. But if you were, do you think they would tell you to go to Lexis reboot or let this day? I don't know. But the thing is like I don't like I can't imagine. I can't imagine being on the reboot because I'm like, wait, now I'm on with like a bunch of people that I don't know again. I'm not doing that and what like who else is going to be on it like I don't know like I don't necessarily yeah I can't see that honestly I'm going to vouch for you right now because

I'm sure people are listening and saying oh yeah my ass she doesn't know no she doesn't know most reality stars don't know like they get told when it's like you know so you're um I believe you and I want everyone to believe you that you're still in the dark about it oh yeah I totally am. I wonder the when and I wonder who and I wonder, like I want, but what do you think of the idea? Like, what's your opinion about this separation of? You know, I think that like, I guess time will tell if it was a good idea or not.

I thought we were all going back. All of us, like every single one of us that was on the last season. And then they were going to add like three more people. Like I figured we were all doing it. So, yeah. How did you feel when Dorin's, got the boat. Sad. I mean, like, fuck. Like, now, like, who do I have on the show? She was kind of my, like, you know, she backed, back me up, you know. And you would secretly

probably rather Ramona get the boot out. I don't want anyone, I don't wish for anyone to get the boot, you know? Um, I don't think like that, but like, no, and I actually don't because, like, Ramona's also my sparring partner. Yeah, like, yeah. And also, like, she's like, work like she works you know like she works hard like she wants to make a good show like like i respect her yeah but people i people really done for her like i mean i look the thing is with me and reality to be like if i don't know like you i've met before but it's like i look at romona like a tv character like and i'm sure being like being friends that they're having film with her like whatever it feels different but when i watch her like i choose

to not view her as a person. Yeah. No, I don't get like a fit. I'm like, she's a, like a character to me. Well, she kind of is at this point, I think. You know, like, I think she is after doing it for so long. But I also think that, like, that's a lot of people view us, period, on TV. Even if when you're doing reality, it's like, people are like, okay, this is, like, not a real person.

This is like, she's here for my entertainment and, or like, for me to be taking, you know, oh my god you know what my therapist calls it my therapist calls it vicarious sadism why because people like to see people fight people like to see people fail or like have a hard time like people get some sick pleasure out of it i often feel like we're like the housewives franchise specifically like we're like you know back in like the roman times when like for fun like there'd be the stadium and then like someone goes in and a lion goes in like and then they watch the person get like eaten up that's kind of like housewife yours they're like yeah i got that fucking bitch you know like fuck her up like it's like whoa you know were you doing your teresa right now

what were you doing your teresa judez right now is that is that me doing i don't know i I feel like the past season of Jersey, she really is the gladiator in the ring, like those fights. Well, she's like, I mean, I think she's the ultimate houseway. Would you go in Jersey? I mean, I don't think I would move to New Jersey.

Right. So that would be hard. Yeah, but I do. I mean, I like all of them. Yeah, they bring it. They bring it. Okay, you guys, for sure, saw those cute little star-shaped pimple patches.

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Also get 20% off all products right now. Use code not skinny. Go to PhDfemininehelp.com slash win and use code not skinny for 20% off all products. I wanted to ask, because I saw on your book, you talked about every housewife and like what you learned and you were so positive about them that I was like Leah yeah what's happening well look I'm not going to use my book like I didn't want like I don't I'm not going to use my book to like be like spew negativity about

obviously I could say something bad about all of them also right but like who wants to live like that you know like and a couple of them i'm not even talking to but what i said in the book about them i meant it regardless of anything else you know oh you were trying to find something like that you learn from each house like regardless it's because not everyone's all bad or all good and like you can't just like eat everything about a person or whatever like everything about a person so i just wanted to talk about the positives that i took away from each woman that i've worked with Yeah. And who are you in touch with right now? Right now, I'm in touch with Tinsley. I talk to all the time.

Dorinda, I talk to often. I'm in touch with Luann. Both are not on the show. Both are not on the show, whatever. I talk to Luan and Ramona I've like talked to. Sonia and Ebony I haven't talked to in a while. Yeah, like Dolores. I guess that doesn't count. I know. I feel like you would vibe with Jersey. I know. I was, I mean, I would. I have fun. I would. Yeah. But you would go back regardless of like if it was reboot or if it was legacy or do you feel like for the reboot you said you wouldn't?

I think it depends on like who, look, I would love to have another season, but obviously I think, and I love working with Bravo, I just think it would have to depend on, like, who's going back? What does it look like? What, I don't know anything. Like, I literally don't know anything. So, like, yeah, but would I go back? Like, yeah, yeah, I'd go back. Yeah. It's such a wild ride to put yourself through that every time. Because like you said, you were saying before, you know, is that new, it's not new for somebody to have a really good season and then a less good season. I see it on like with other people that I know that are in reality TV and it scares me to even watch new people go on and let's say have that good season.

Everyone be like, oh, this person, there's nothing bad to say about them. We love them. And I'm like, ugh, because that scares me because it almost always means that wait for it because it was actually like the audience like even before the show aired was already like gunning for me to like not like me or to find things wrong with what I did like not like there's nothing I could have done that would have changed anything but also I'm not here to be liked by people like I never came into the show to be liked by people like I came here to be myself I came here to be authentic to me like so if that means people not liking me and also there

there's still a lot of people who do like me. No, people like you. No, people do like me. It's just like this very, you know, the people who like leave comments on like every housewife fan page and like these people like, it's weird. Like I'm sorry, but it's fucking weird, you know? Yeah.

The people that matter like me. The people that matter like you. And you said something interesting that it was weird for you to be recognized because of house lives because kind of admit. it sounded like you were saying that you were kind of in the circles before of like art people like social lights like all this stuff and then all of a sudden being recognized because you're on on on the show was weird i have a brand that's been around for so long that like riana's worn a very long time ago like multiple times you know and like tara day levin has worn and like sierra has worn and fergi and like uh you know it's almost like to be reduced to being a one-dimensional character is weird for me because it's I'm the opposite of I want to feel the opposite of that and like I live my life to I want to try everything I want to do everything I want to seize every opportunity that comes my way and I think

to be reduced to like a one-dimensional character it's difficult I totally understand. I totally understand what you mean because you have so many other things going on. And some people know, some people don't. But it's also like, I've been around and it's not like I came out of the womb onto this reality show. And I'm just Liam McSweeney-Hings out with Ramona and Luann. Exactly. And it's weird because you're only getting to see me as the person that's dealing with this environment with these specific women. And that's all you get to see. Right. That's what's weird about the housewives that the format kind of hasn't changed with the times with a lot of other reality shows it's like you know they take kind of another route where it's like we get to see like specific individuals lives like what they do their businesses or whatever I love how I'm like secretly thinking about the Kardashians and not saying it no I know you were thinking about I know you're thinking about them but also they have a totally different thing where it's like they gets to they like get to hang out with their family which is cool right and they get to fucking

have control over their it's their show right and i know that's a difference but what i meant is like with the new hulu show i know they're trying to show like less do like even though the way you guys have your like trips together and have to hang out they had to do that for a long time with family gatherings and i feel like this season they don't as much but i think it would be interesting to spice up the format and see people's lives a little bit because the viewers are savvy and older and like I knew from the beginning when I had you on like I'm like your cup of tea isn't these people like you wouldn't be like you're interesting you're funny but like you don't necessarily like those are not necessarily but that's the show and and and I get why you said that in

your book that like you want to be more than just that but you obviously appreciate the opportunity it's been great it's been great like even like having a rough season it's still awesome and amazing things have come from it and like again like it's not everybody gets to experience what it's like for better or for worse you know not everything is going to be all rainbows and you know what if you had your bad season at least you know that like that's over oh it's actually I actually is great and like made me like so not i don't want to say stronger that's like a cliche but like i just like but you know but i just don't like i really don't give a fuck as much like at all like we're like michael robert for and a woman now when i see you guys together i'm like

oh no i love him oh great wait he is a wife yes no not that i was no no no no I wasn't thinking, you know that his dad lives in my building, like below me. That's so funny. I know. I want to, like, ask about him because I feel like there's not a relationship, but I didn't yet. Wow. You shut up on the show. The dad?

No, Michael Rapport. I should have him on the show. We totally should. Okay, you guys know I'm a her for, and you guys know, I am. I'm obsessed with meal delivery services. Any food you want to send me, please frickin' do. And I love trying them out. And Splendid Spoon is one of my faves because it just saves me time.

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talking about you being in the circles before um of new york and stuff so you know i'm going to have to ask you the julia fox thing how you're related to that you know her tell me yeah and again i'm going to only say this because she said it first so i know that i'm not breaking anonymity because when i went on her podcast she was like can i tell them how we met and i said yes you can i was her sponsor in aa that's how we met but like and so i've known her and like her friends richie and brianna and her whole little crew you know like for a long time and like she was this like 2010 so you win so so that if you were her sponsor that means you were you were sober completed 2009 like a fit like that's when i first got sober was 2009 and i think like a year later is when i started sponsoring her

I guess and uh but like I mean she on the I was like I probably wasn't a great sponsor she's like no you were you said something and like I still remember it and I used it I was like okay good you know but then like we stayed friendly and she was in some of my like one of my look books like one of my ads and I like wheat pasted the photos everywhere like I did all these like cool shirts that that had bitchism that's what I call it and this amazing photographer Chris Kennedy shot Julia in the shirts and then we wheat pasted it all over the city. So we've known each other for a long time. Yeah. So what did you think when all the Kanye said, were you like, because I feel like she had the same energy as that line in your book where

she's like, bitch, I've been around. Like everyone was kind of finding out about her through Kanye, me too. Yes. But when I, you know, deep dove a little bit. And the vibe was like, no, she's been around. Oh, yeah, exactly. Like when I saw the whole Kanye stuff, I was like, oh, this is like great like this is going to like like shoot her into like the you know hemisphere of like pop culture and like you know she's always been very interesting and like very just doing her own thing you know like and not giving a fuck what anybody else thinks um so i was like i'm like i don't think kanya even like i don't think i don't think i was like i don't think kani can even handle her.

Like, forget her handling him. Like, she's very interesting and very smart. She's a very interesting. That's a really great way to put it. How wild that that's connected. I wonder if, like, other people in AA knew, like, putting the two of you together, like, they would both be, like, in this world.

But, like, in AA, like, it's not like people put you together as a sponsor and sponsor like someone has to ask you to sponsor them oh so she asked you to sponsor her yeah probably because like i was sharing insane things and she was like oh she's a crazy bitch so i'm going to ask her to fucking work with me and so she was i think like my first sponsor too um yeah sponsor or can you can you still sponsor i i mean i i i actually can't right now because i have to have one year of sobriety and even though i haven't drank in two years I was smoking weed, but now I stopped. So, like, I started my day count again.

And I'm kind of, like, recommitting to the program, you know? Why did you stop smoking weed? Because I want to totally be sober and feel everything. Was weed, though, good for you? Like, did it come? I didn't feel it was good for me. I think I just, I think I just was holding on to it because I didn't want to fully be, like, sober.

You were California sober. It was California sober, which no judge. of people who are. I think if it works for you, that's great. You know, like, I don't judge people. However, you get sober, great. But if it works, if it's working, let it work. And alcohol, though, was your main thing, like back in the day, too. It wasn't. No, back in the day, I was on tons of drugs. Tons of drugs, Leah? Oh, yeah. Oh, listen to drug hook. We'll get a bitch. Yeah, it's a major drug hook. Well, good for you, first of all, for, like, being sober. Thank you. That's amazing. and being in the industry that you're in and going through everything.

And I saw also on your Instagram that you were posting, like, anxiety, you were struggling with anxiety lately, and you started taking meds, which thank you for being vocal about that. I really appreciate that. Yeah. You actually, when I posted something like, this is my first day without anxiety and depression in, like, two months, and you were like, Baruchaschen, you wrote that.

I did. Yeah, you know, I started, like, I had, like, the, it's interesting because in my book, I talk about, how I haven't had, because I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder on my actual 30th birthday. Like on August 27, on my 30th birthday, I was sitting in my psychiatrist from he was like, you have bipolar 2 disorder. I'm like, what fuck you're talking about? And I talked in the book about how I haven't had a serious depression sense, which is the shitty part about bipolar disorder, is the depression part, not when you're like hypomanic, you know, because you feel great during

met. I had, I talked about in the book, how I haven't had a depression and since 2016 or 2017, but then I had a really bad depression again in January for like two months. I was unable to really function and I didn't think I was going to be able to go on the book tour. Like, it was really fucked up. And I had that like, like I had to change the, but the other thing is I went off my medication. Why? Yeah, that's the thing. I guess because I was probably in one of my hypo, like, man. Yeah, I was like, I don't need this. And I was not focusing on my mental health as much as I should have been.

I wasn't, like, taking care of myself. I was more like taking care of my appearance, but not the way I felt, you know? It's a medication for bipolar too specific to that, or is it antidepressant? No, it was an antidepressant. I was on Lexa Pro. And I'm not even sure, like, how well it was working, to be honest. but um i just i crashed like i just really crashed and i'll never know if it was from i'm assuming it was from going off the meds but i think like i hadn't really dealt with my grandmother's death

in like a proper way and i had i just i had two months of just i was pretty it was pretty devastating so it was depression and anxiety right it was bull yeah it was really full like i was having full body like panic attacks to the point where like that the doctor was like giving me like for like medication like sedatives and and it wasn't working like it wasn't like I would still feel my my arms go numb like when I'm having that I get really nauseous and um like I was trying to go for walks but then I like couldn't walk because I was like too tired and I don't know it was it was honestly like maybe I needed a wake up call to like go back to therapy and to like never take my mental health for granted ever again. Like I think I was taking it for granted. And I wasn't

taken care of myself the way I should have been. And now how are you feeling? Oh, I feel a lot better. I never, I thought I was like never going to laugh again. Like I was like, I don't know how I'm even going to like live alone. Like Rob, my mother like had to stay with me for two weeks and then Rob basically moved in with me for like a month. Oh, Rob is the best. I know. He's a good he's a good guy but i didn't want to be alone like i didn't want here to just stay with him and then i'd be alone in the house and like i couldn't it was bad like i can't even really it was really it was scary did you go back on meds yeah hell yeah oh yeah i'm like the pro again no it's stopped working oh i'm actually on wellbutrin and pristique pristique is an s nri so it's a serotonin um norep

neurovenadrine, I can't pronounce it, uptake inhibitor. Wait, no, re-uptake inhibitor. And instead of just serotonin, so it affects both of those chemicals. And then, well,butrin is a totally different kind of antidepressant. Yeah, the cocktail is working. The cocktail is working, knock on wood. I would not wish on my worst enemy. me, even if you did the worst shit to me, I would never wish on you. What happened to me in January?

I would not. And I'm just, like, I'm lucky because I have, like, the means to, like, go to a doctor or, like, go to a hospital if I needed to or whatever. Like, think about how many people don't. And mental health, like, help is so hard. It's so expensive. A lot of doctors don't take insurance. And you have to. It's horrible. And so I just recently, like, started working with this organization called NAMI and they offer free mental health services to people in need in New York City. So they're amazing. N-A-M-Y. N-A-M-I. That's amazing. First of all, I want to say how happy I am that you're feeling better. When I saw you post about that, I've been there and I think that it's so, and who knows, you know, you never know if you'll get, like you were saying,

like you hadn't had in a while. And you're like, oh, I'm great. And then, but it really helps. people when they see people share about it even me that I know like I'm I have anxiety I take medication it's still when I see people share about it first of all I feel their pain immediately like I know all the things are talking about you know that's why when people use the word like anxious you know on the fly I'm like yeah like yeah but are you actually like I was having anxiety attack before I went out I'm like were you don't use it in vain but I think you sharing a about it to your followers and platform probably first of all I'm sure you got so many messages of people that were probably telling you their experiences and and yeah but you know what I think

I don't know if everybody picked up I wasn't on social media a lot in January February like and I'm not sure how many like people like not a lot of people like caught on I don't think like you know like you you did you did like I knew that you did because of what you said when I posted that thing but of course some people did hit me up and all that. But yeah, be having mental health issues, it's so lonely sometimes. And like, sharing about it also helps me have compassion for myself. Because I beat myself up over Lute. I was like, how did I get this? How did this happen to me again? Like how did it happen? Yeah. And I'm, I feel like, you feel like why. It's totally like a whiny how this happened. Am I the person that needs to be on two types of medication? Me, Leah, it's like, this, you don't understand how. But at the end of the day, what I always tell myself about meds is if somebody's sick and has diabetes, you take medication. Exactly. So it shouldn't be any different. No, there really shouldn't be a stigma. Of course, the issue is I was overmedicated on a lot of years

back in the day. And, you know, it has to be the right medication. The wrong medication is really bad, but I will never go off my fucking meds. If anyone sees me saying that I'm going off my meds on Instagram, you better fucking call my mother or fucking damn my sister. Call 911. Exactly. I also tried when I wanted to get pregnant, I, even though I understood that the SSRI was on was safe. Yeah. I still was like, I want to be just like cleaning a pregnant. I'm totally fine. And I like did that whole thing. Got off of it relapse or whatever. That is like anxiety. came back and again never know is it placebo like is it in our mind like we went off of it is it a combination of things that had just happened to you or just happened to me yeah um and then

but i swore to myself it's kind of like you're like if i say this come get me i swear myself when i got off i was like but if it comes back and i have bad days i'm not fighting it again like i'm gonna you know seek help right away and that's what i want to tell to anybody you're listening is don't neglect your mental health. Don't feel like you are less than for seeking help for it or it's treatment. Yeah. I mean, it's just like, I don't know. It was really quite, it was a dark time. It was quite the storm, you know, it was quite the storm. But everything I try to look at as a blessing, I learned many things from that. And I will take all those things I learned moving forward well i'm glad that you're doing well i'm glad that the cocktail is working and that

your book is out to the world so everybody go pick up a copy of chaos theory yes finding meaning in the madness one bad decision at a time and leah you're amazing i can't wait to see what i'll still do next because it's it's not a it's not a heavy read it's very very doable and it's very much written in your voice and I want to know everything that happened in your very exciting life. Very exciting insane life. Thank you.

Oh my God, of course. Any time. I appreciate it. Thank you. Bye, babe. Great. Bye. Thank you guys so much for listening to this episode of Not Skinny but Not Fat. Follow me on Instagram at Not Skinny but Not Fat. Subscribe to the podcast

so you don't miss any episodes. Rate the podcast. you love so much on Apple Podcasts and write a little review. If you tell me you did, I'll give you a big virtual smoocheroo. Thank you guys so much for listening and I'll see you next Tuesday.