Off Air... with Jane and Fi - A bit of civil war hanky-panky when we get home

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

It's Monday! That means you can see Jane drop all of her emails on the floor over on the YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@OffAirWithJaneAndFWe hope you had a lovely weekend - whether you were jousting, posting on OnlyFans, or getting up to no good in Fi’s front garden, we trust it was great! Jane and Fi cover fried bread, plans for Hastings, ageing, and identifying the middle class by their Gü ramekins.Our next book club pick will be a collection of short stories! 'Interpreter of Maladies' is by Jhumpa Lahiri. Our new playlist 'Coiled Spring' is up and running: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4tmoCpbp42ae7R1UY8ofzaOur most asked about book is called 'The Later Years' by Peter Thornton.If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Was it 24 with Kiefer Sutherland? And they would always have that, the clock would come up, wouldn't it, and go, dink! It's a good show that. It would be the time. Yeah. Yeah. Did you watch it in 24 hours? I always thought it was the best invitation for binge watching ever. Yeah, but I didn't fall for it because I've got a little bit of personal strength for it.

Well, I've got a very noisy shirt on today. So for those of you who are watching, because we are visualised on the YouTube, you won't notice the sound as much. because you'll be distracted by the image. But if you're listening in old school, just audio, then I'm sorry because it's a little bit crunchy. And I haven't even doused it in, what you call it? Spray starch. Yeah. Do you still use that?

I don't fee, but thank you for the question. I appreciate the thought that I might use it. Do I look like I've used it? Now, didn't you have a shattering image that greeted you when you left your house this morning? People need to know about this. You burden me with it, so tell everybody else. Well, one person's burden is another person's sharing. You know, just a lovely personal experience.

Well, I went outside to take Nance out for her early morning walk. And on my front path, there was some detritus, Jane. There were three items of litter. One was a screwed up piece of chewing gum in its wrapper. The other was the top of a spicy kimchi mayonnaise pot. Oh, yeah. That you'd get on one of those takeaways. and the third was of course a condom.

Yeah. So someone had had a cracking night out. So somebody had freshened their breath, filled their stomach. Okay, don't. Please don't. Well, of course, you've gone green, haven't you, over there? Yes, we have. But I do think that people were celebrating in the street.

I wonder, though, whether there might have been an element of gay abandon, let loose across the Hackney area. There were local elections in parts of the UK last week, and you all went, green. Yes. You certainly were, but I don't think that the two things were connected. I did just slightly worry that somebody had used my front garden as a love shack. It sounds very much as though they may well have done exactly that. I think they may well have done. And I'm just not going to really be able to look at it in the same comforting way ever again. But, I mean, you've got to go somewhere, haven't you? So, gosh, I didn't realize you were a social hob to that extent. There we go. Well, I don't want to be. Actually, I don't want to be.

Do you think that we should go straight in with the cowboy hired a widow fat girl to cook, but it was her baby's eyes that rekindled his heart? I think we do need to start there. One of our best ever email titles. Unbelievable. Hello Jeff, it says. Now this is an acronym. Jane Eve and Fee.

I must say the quality of laughs is top notch at the moment. Real laugh out loud moments tempered with poignant and heartfelt musings. Well, we feel the need actually at the moment, don't we, to just have a bit more of a gig. because it's tough times outside. Well, it's Siberian weather slightly all of a sudden today, which isn't great. Plus the national mood is just a little bit. It's fragmented.

People are angry. Our current Prime Minister is fighting for his political life for what it feels like the 25th time. It's just a little all a little bit exhausting, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. So we just had more resets than my Wi-Fi. It's another reset this morning. And I think for those of you listening outside the United States,

Kingdom are local elections. The turnout was impressive, wasn't it? Because people seen, well, in some constituencies, it went as high as 45%, which for local elections. That's very good. It's actually very good. But it's revealed there are growing chasms, hasn't it? Which even if you're not in an area, and a council or a region that's had a massive political swing, I think it's just deeply unsettling, isn't it, when things move, when the dial moves quite so quickly across the political spectrum. So we're all feeling a little bit,

whatever at the moment. We're at sea, which is why we need to hear this. It is. I decided to take a quick look. This one is coming in from Wendy. I decided to take a quick look at the YouTube to see what my side offer looked like. No summer jackets, but quite a few handbags,

and here it was. The cowboy hired a widow, fat girl to cook, but it was her baby's eyes. that rekindled his heart. That's the name of the piece that was up there on the sidebar. What in the world is the algorithm doing? I don't dare click on it

just in case alarms and self-destruct notices issue from my laptop. Today I was carrying out one of my job roles as a university mentor for student teachers. The email moves on, Jane. I arrived quite swiftly.

Half an hour early for the first lesson. So I was sitting in my car listening to the podcast when the first of the school buses rolled up. There was only my car in the said car park which was clearly but not to me for the school buses so all the pupils

had to walk around my car just as you were discussing suck and blast in various australian accents i was laughing out loud to start with and then jane went into overdrive laugh it was a very odd laugh i simply went but i did totally lose all inhibitions it was vile no it was absolutely wonderful i loved seeing you like that tears rolling down my face as wendy i was thinking about it whilst observing the lesson and kept having to bite the inside of my cheeks and stop breaking into fits of giggles at the back of the class. Henry Cam's, she goes on to say, I thought this was one of Jane's side hustles along the lines of her only fans.

How's that going? Well, as you know, a disappointing start. But, Fee, I'm one of God's triers. I'm going to keep plugging away. We're all there for the finish, love. And I was relieved if a dad disappointed. When Fee asked for clarification. and it was in fact hen weekends.

Yes. Yes. The hen weekend is my idea of absolute hell. Wall to all willies and stupid games and dressing up. A final touch is the M&S disinfectant. I was in the MNS-Antree branch. Yeah, very close to the race course. And decided to try the disinfectant,

hardly any left and I had to reach up and get a bottle for the lady next to me who had been told it smelled lovely. I've cleaned the whole house and nearly used the whole bottle. Wendy, you're definitely one of us. You are so one of us. I was sloshing it around. myself on Friday afternoon. Why does it bring us so much pleasure? I don't know. I've never had so much

fun with Disaffectant. Maybe that's where my OnlyFans is going wrong actually. Yeah, I'll need to revisit it. But it does. So that crops up quite a lot, doesn't it? You know, the very, very niche stuff that's going up on Only Fans at the moment. And I dare say that there is an audience for ultimate disinfecting. I'm fascinated by Only Fans. I'm not on Only Fans. But I think we've made a massive leap that we're not talking enough about. Go on. Expand. So there are definitely lots of people putting up content on OnlyFans in a very different way

to how you would have displayed the same content before. Very little shame. And I agree that there shouldn't be a shame about whatever it is that you decide to sell. If you're okay with it and nobody is hurt in the selling or the buying or the buy. buying, whatever. I mean, that's why the whole thing has really taken off so much. So I'm all for that. I think people are exploring their niche markets very well, but massive, massive, but. I think it is slightly, I think people aren't thinking through what happens in the real world. if you then are recognized or exposed or targeted or it becomes very well known,

that you are happy to have that kind of content available for purchase. So I'm just thinking of all of the very young women in particular who are finding that they can fund their way through university or just fund their way through life. It's an expensive time to be alive by selling bits and pieces of their body in action. I don't know how you feel about that 20 years down the line. If you then, you know, one of your pupils, you become a teacher, one of your pupils finds that or you go into work and somebody's one of your subscribers.

I just, I worry about that. And I don't think we talk about it enough. It sounds terrific. You can't delete this stuff then. No. I mean, I think you probably can, but I think if the person who's subscribing is recording it or keeping it somehow or just screenshoting you, then it's out there forever. And there's a safety at the moment because it isn't being talked about hugely in feeling that it's a kind of tucked away area of the world that you would be in control of. And there are just loads of things, Jane, that you do learn in life. That's that's the point of being here. It's the, point of aging. And one of them is that some of the stuff in your youth is inappropriate to the rest of your life. And we're allowed to just forget about it. In your youth. Because it wasn't

captured forever. No. So I worry about that. But I don't want to sound either condemnatory or judgmental about people who have found their way through making content. Can I just make it very clear I'm not on only friends, just because, I mean, you make some very serious points, but suddenly thought, I've got to just own it. I'm not on it. No. And I never will be. Okay.

Not even sloshing my disinfectant around. You mentioned, um, uh, you did, you did just mention ageing, didn't you? Yes, I did. Yes, you're just having a little aging moment. Yeah, I see. I was. No, I absolutely did. Uh, Judith says, just a quickie, I listened to your Liz Earle interview and then your

discussion about what she'd spoken about and getting increasingly old while peers around you are dying. It did remind me of what my granddad had said when he was in his late 80s. He told us that nobody called him Phil anymore. He was either dad, granddad or mister. It really struck me as very sad at the time. I was only in my early 20s, now late 50s, and I've never forgotten it. I've never thought about that until this email, in fact.

But it is a truism, isn't it? As you get old, you need your mates around you. They're the ones who are going to call you by those old nicknames or your first name. But then everyone goes. And all of a sudden, this poor chap wasn't Phil. He was Mr. Smith or he was, you know, his position in the family, but not anything else. I really hadn't thought about that before. So Judith, thank you for that.

And just a quick one on fried bread, because this is interesting. We were talking about the lack of fried bread. Nancy writes from the Nook Cafe on the Whirl. Just listen to you talking and to a lady who asks why cafes don't offer fried bread anymore. As a cafe owner and a chef, I can tell you why. To get that fried bread effect, you've got to doubt. the bread and vegetable oil, and since the start of the Ukraine war, the price of vegetable oil has at least doubled. So it genuinely is prohibitively expensive.

Hope this helps, says Nancy, at the Nook Cafe on the Wirral. It's a very good plug. And I hear your cry and I feel your pain. I think fried bread was making an exit from the full English breakfast before that, though. I hadn't seen it. It would also because you wouldn't see fried bread on a hotel buffet, I don't think, over the last 10 years or so. It had been replaced by the rather offensive. Oh.

Hash brown. I know what you're going to say, and you said it. Yeah. I don't like a, well, I do like, I mean, I absolutely love a hash brown. But I find at breakfast, the kind of the eggy, oniony breath that it leaves you with is a little bit difficult. By the way, there was a terrible, there was a terrible pong, wasn't there? Oh, my goodness. In the building when we walk around the corner.

We've just been around the corner to the facilities. And, I mean, Fee doesn't go anywhere on a company, so I went with her. And the stench was unpardonable. I think we must be close to some sort of drain. We are very, very basement-y here, aren't we? We are very literally by the Thames. So God knows what's floating about. We had a terrible incident on Saturday.

We tried to go and see the devil wears Prada. Yes. At a Kinema that was in the basement. It was in very, very fashionable Hoxton. And there were only about 10 of us in the cinema. And I guess it was a lovely sunny day. So fair enough. And the film has been out for a while.

But we were a bit surprised with so few people in the cinema. And we sat there for about 10 minutes and we went, this smells a bit, doesn't it? And the smell became more and more overwhelming. Very, very sewagey. Another person walked out in front of us. The late in life, very kindly went to go and inquire. It takes a man to do that.

doesn't it? You must stay in your seat. He volunteered. Oh, he'd be the right person to ask. There's difficult questions. Very difficult questions. What's the smell? And he wanted to do it in an authoritative way, whereas I would have apologised as if it was me before making a complaint. And then probably you'd have cried.

But then he did notice that the lovely young chap who was on the door was wearing a mask. So what had happened? It turned out that the cinema is well known for being, sometimes being invaded by this revolting smell. I mean, it smelled like fresh sewage, Jane. It was absolutely horrible. At least it was fresh. And they very willingly gave us our money back. Actually, no, they did say, why don't you come another night.

Did you? You didn't see the film? So we didn't see the film. Oh, well, we can't talk about it, can we? So I still haven't seen The Devil Wears part of it, too. But I really feel for the cinema because we then looked it up online, and apparently it's a wider problem in the neighbourhood. I think probably, and I'm no structural engineer.

I do know that, yes. Yes. It's the last house I built It was no good at all. But it's that part of town where they're building these massive great big tower blocks and you do think

how can you just plug into the normal sylogis system? Well, this is all a matter now for your Green Council to sort out. Well it certainly is. Although would it still be in Hackney? Well, let's not worry too much about whether you cross the border. No, but I do feel for the cinema

I feel for the school that's there at the leisure centre that's there and all of the people who are in the houses and the flats that are already there because it was a really, really pungent smell, Jane. It really is quite the contrast to the shimmering world

that is laid before you in the devil West Prada too. Yeah. But you haven't seen it. No. We didn't think we'd be able to sit through it. So, but you like to. I mean, I feel I've been denying you

the opportunity to talk about this film now for two weeks. Would you like to just give a quick resume in a Barry Norman style? No, I'm not capable of that. I want you to watch it and then we'll talk about it. Oh, okay. A lot of people feel the plot is a trifle thin.

I would say that you're not really there for the plot. You're there for the fun. Okay. And I had quite a bit of that. Stanley Tucci's suits gave me great joy. The three-piece suit, I mean, it's a thing of beauty when worn well by a gentleman of Stanley's sort of standing. And they work for me. A few people have got issues with the chap who played Anne Hathaway's love interest, including some of our colleagues.

They were talking. Why? Because it's the man from Colin from accounts, who I think you rather like. A lot of people don't think he hasn't quite got it to the degree that he could possibly be matched with Anne Hathaway. Just saying it, it's not necessarily my view, but that's the view of many. Right. Gosh, that's quite a Darwinian view, isn't it? Well, yeah, people are Darwinian. Okay.

Yeah. I just want to go back to Lizelle for a tiny book, because I think Rebecca has made a very good point. Yeah. And she starts, it's a beautiful email, because she starts off by saying that I did a good job of challenging some of her claims, but, so here we go. And the butt's interesting.

I was really disappointed in the conversation the following day, which seemed to suggest that just because her book was a time, bestseller, it meant that she was a credible guest whilst failing to acknowledge that it was the type of airtime you were giving her that contributes to her selling books. The health and wellness world is so full of non-experts who have no background in science or research literacy, who then profiteer from our vulnerabilities. They have access to big audiences through podcasts such as yours, where they go unchallenged because there is no one on to debate or challenge. There's plenty more in the email as it goes on. But let's just end with Rebecca's end, which says, I think it's

important to recognise there is a bigger impact to this type of conversation. And Rebecca apologises for the snotogram saying, I usually love your work. No apology needed at all, Rebecca. So it is a conversation that we had had in the production office. We have had always, when there's somebody coming on who is making an awful lot of claims that by obviously. very nature, due to my humanities degree, I'm not going to be able to counter every single which way. And increasingly, there are loads of people who fall into this kind of category. So I suppose our defence, Rebecca, is that A, we know we've got a quite intelligent audience

who are... I think they can read between lines. I think that's a beautiful way of putting it. Yes. Yeah. B, it would be a shame to, I think, to really, really over-censor and then never get anybody on who was tapping into what is a absolutely huge, huge part of our world now. The, you know, the wellness and biohacking as well. And also it's unfair to say of Liz Earle that there is no evidence to back up her claims on aging well. I would argue that there aren't enough claims to. to back up anybody's expectation they can live to 130. But there is some careful research in the book

about what happens to yourselves and how you can treat them better and therefore enhance your life. So, I mean, we absolutely hear you, Rebecca, but I don't want to not have guests on just because I'm not the right person to be able to counterbalance every single argument they're making.

And also, I don't always want to have to have somebody on so it turns into a complete ding-dong. But what do you think? Well, I suppose what I want to say to Rebecca is it was me that mentioned that her book was a mega, mega-seller. I think it was number one in the hardback charts, wasn't it? I just wanted to make the point

that for people who attempted to rubbish her, we do need to acknowledge how successful her work has been. We might not agree with a word of it. But I think we need to gently explore their worlds whilst allowing the listeners to come to their own well-informed opinion on what that person is flogging is what I'd say. Can I just mention briefly a postcard because we're not asking for postcards at the moment,

but this is from that troubled town Hastings where there was so much bother. Having a lovely sunny family weekend away, Mary and Family Right, we came across this lovely free museum with an elderly volunteer really keen to impart his nautical knowledge. Top tip, the Pelican Diner for delicious waffle and pancake lunches. We're off now for a bracing swim in the sea. Good luck with that.

But the museum is the Fisherman's Museum Enterprise in Hastings. And I hope everybody can see that. It does look lovely, doesn't it? Very inviting. It looks very nice. I can't quite see from here what's on the front of the postcard. Just describe a couple of the shots. Well, it's...

What will you see if you go to the museum? Well, you certainly see a couple of ships. Great. Okay. And I just love the idea of these... You know, sometimes, though not always, elderly volunteers who keep these places going. They're doing very important work in a troubled world. So, Mary, thank you for telling us about the museum.

And it just made me think about the Battle of Hastings was 1066. I wonder whether I'll make the 1,000 celebrations of the Battle of Hastings. In 2016. What is already being planned for, I mean, you'll be around. What in 40 years time? You'll be a sprightly, what, 97, 98? It's so unlikely to. Well, you know, you might be.

But they must be planning something for Hastings. I mean, they've got a few years, but they can get to it and come up with something. Yeah. Come on, Hastings. Tell us what you're going to be doing. Yeah, well, they'll reenact the whole thing with avatars, and it'll be amazing.

Have you ever been drawn to the reenactment scene? I haven't, as you will. But no, but I would like it. love to hear. Well, we were famously given a taxi ride by a woman who, you remember this? She'd lost a finger in a jouse. Yeah, I mean, it doesn't. She'd been indulging in a little bit too much, a bit too real than reenactment. She did jousting. Yeah. And that sort of, look, look, what you do at the weekends, it's entirely up to. Well, it's back to only fans, isn't it? It's back to your front garden. But Civil War reenactments are a big thing in, in, certainly in

Worcester, where I spent a lot of time in local radio, and it's a, it was the scene of a major civil war battle. There were lots of civil war reenactment troops. I would so like to hear more from that world. It is, and it is a world. And it's kind of cosplay. It's sort of, it is cosplay, isn't it? It is. I'm not sure that's how it started for the people who participated in it.

But, yeah, I mean, you know, how much time do you spend buffing up your musket for one of those events? But also I'm just very interested in the interface between the reenactment and the real world. So at what point does somebody blow a whistle and go, right, everyone back to the car park and you just get there you take off your armour take off your fur and your wench outfit get back back to your phone back into the forward focus check your messages put on some classic FM but I bet some of them keep the stuff on don't you think probably a bit of civil war hanky-panky when they get home home honey

would you be a roundhead no I'm definitely cavalier as you know too right My husband smelled different when I was pregnant. This comes in from Leanne, who's in southwest London. That's very close to you. I heard your listener the other week who mentioned her heightened sense of smell during pregnancy. And I can relate. In all three pregnancies, my sense of smell was heightened.

However, it was when I was pregnant with my third child that I suddenly couldn't bear the smell of my husband. Well, what does that tell you, Leanne? Like your other listener, I could tell. what room he'd been and by the smell I couldn't bear to hug or kiss him we tried new toothpaste shower gels unbelievable amounts of mouthwash aftershave no aftershave the smell overrode it all i mentioned it to a midwife and she laughed and said she'd never heard of such a thing not particularly helpful well that's not is it because lots of people are telling us the same thing fortunately everything returned to normal as soon as i'd

had the baby i remember my husband hugging me the day our baby was born and i sobbed oh thank God, you finally smell like you again. Luckily, he thought it was funny. He had been very understanding during the pregnancy, reassuring me that this couldn't possibly last forever, and thankfully he was right. Maybe a coincidence, but my first two pregnancies were boys, and the third was a girl.

Was this the difference? Who knows? Love the podcast keeps me saying with three children under seven to run around after. Well, Leanne, we send you lots of love. You've definitely got your hands full there. And lots of people are saying the same thing that in pregnancy something really weird

does happen to their sense of smell and I think it is to do with that prime evil need to feel safer. Right, but it doesn't normally last for the whole pregnancy, does it, that kind of thing? Well, I don't know. I think this just varies of people and obviously something extraordinary happened

on the day that your daughter was born and, you know, maybe it's the Almighty's way of saying, you know, cleared for takeoff again. Well, I think at the moment, our correspondent indicates that perhaps she feels she's done enough to replenish Britain's stock of taxpayers. Taxpayers are the future. I think she probably has. Let's cut her some slack.

Give her a break. Jamie, who says, I'm still female, as per previous email. I've got to pick my moments as most of your podcast start a discussion in my head. But I was particularly taken by Fees horror at the reader who feeds his cat squirty cream in a ramekin. This is the chap I met on the train who'd been. into the Cambridge City against Crewe Alexander match. I'm not sure why the vessel caused the most consternation. Would it help if I told you I feed my cat Greek yogurt in a ramekin about twice a day?

There's no way I'm giving Greek yogurt to Dora. She indicates that she'd like some yogurt by sitting, and this is where Jamie slightly loses me, she indicates that she'd like yogurt by sitting on a particular tile in the kitchen. Now, this is really spooky, but what a clever cat. no idea how this started, says Jamie. She also flicks her tail at me when she'd like me to follow her to her blanket and stroke her while she sucks her yoghurt.

Sadly, this is the limit of our communication. The rest of the time, she squints at me as if she can't quite remember who I am. Hope more ramekins have not been too triggering, says Jamie. Right. Is it the word ramekin you don't like? No, I think it's just the idea that you're using, you know, for a pet, what you then might serve me in a very, very nice dinner party setting, a creme brulee. I put a couple of nuts when I have my Friday evening soirees with my girlfriends.

We have some nuts served in some of my ramekins. That's very nice. We'd go for it. And there's a very lovely pudding company, isn't there? Well, that's where my ramekins is from. Puddings you buy and then you get to keep a lovely ramekin. And I think it's, you know, if there was ever Armageddon and then 3,000 years later, anthropologists came along, they would actually be.

able to identify the middle class house by the goo ramekin dishes, wouldn't they? Yeah. They put us in a very special kind of section of society. I think Jamie is deluding herself, though. The cat sitting on a tile that signifies its time for their Greek yogurt. That's in our head, isn't it? No, I don't think it. No, I think animals are very clever.

I think that it would just be a Pavlovian response, wouldn't it? I've sat here before. And then she gives me Greek yogurt. Yeah. And, you know, keep us posted. Yeah. Let's see whether or not another tile fetish develops. Tell us what happens if you give a Greek-style yogurt.

I had to take Barbara to the vet on Friday to have her furballs around her ass removed. Did you think? Yes. Is that an anecdote for another time? It's just not an anecdote as far as I'm concerned. How did it go? It went fine.

I thought she was going to be very, very difficult because she was quite a difficult cat, but she absolutely loved the trip. I put on classic FM calm. Oh, yeah. And she was just sitting there in her little cat basket looking out of the window, happy happy as Larry.

Classic FM, how does it differ from Classic FM? Genuine question, don't know? I mean, it really is the music of the massage therapy room. Okay, right. Yeah, but then there's no DJ, so you don't get anybody who was once famous in a completely different sphere who's suddenly... Suddenly become an expert on classical music.

You're not fooled, do you? You don't get any of them. Right. And it's very, very calming. You do expect someone to, you know, to say, the treatment is over. About 50 minutes into your journey. Time to collect your medication at the kiosk.

Yeah, but no, it's very nice and it definitely did the business. Okay, lovely. For Babs. Right, well, I'm glad to hear it. The furbles congregate around her bottom. You were right the first time. It's not an anecdote. It's just a done thing.

Helen says, Jane and Fee, I was told the expression, Marian May Rue the Day. You didn't marry in May, did you? No. Warned. Did you? No.

Warned, so we don't help, do we actually? If we both got married in May, that would have been absolutely fine and people would have avoided it, but we can't help. Anyway, I was told the expression, Marian May, Ruther Day, warned of the likelihood that following a May wedding, a baby would be born at the end of January into February.

In the days when the land was relied on for sustenance, reserves of food would be at their lowest, as would the resilience of the mother and the wider community. I think that sounds plausible. So do I. Yeah, very much so. Yeah. Obviously, it doesn't apply in the southern hemisphere. So what would they say there? Mary in now, what would it be? I don't know. You'd have to be heading for the kind of the hurricane season. Yeah, Mary in. Yeah, it would be, don't. Oh, Jay. Talk amongst yourself. It would have to be like Mary in March. No.

No, I'll have to come back to that. Jane has just dropped her entire email collection. So I'm going to read the U-Bend email, which has come in from an anonymous correspondent. I'm going to read this one quite slowly. You're right down there. I'm enjoying it. I was at one with the rug, just briefly there.

Who else do you think has tiptoed across this rug? We really don't want to talk about that. because I suspect that all sorts of really testosterone-type chaps of talk military tactics on this rug. I think they have, haven't there. I think there's probably a whole section of the rug that is literally dripping in criticism of VAR. It's also that, yeah.

Do you say VAR or VAR? Well, I went to the football on Saturday afternoon, went to see Fulham Play Bournemouth. Did they need to use VAR? We had two sendings off in the first half. Wow. Yeah, well, yes, interestingly, I haven't been to a football match in the flesh for quite a while, and I hadn't been since VAR had become a thing.

And I loved everything about the gate. It was entertaining. Bournemouth are a great side with some very good passes of the ball. What was the final score? Bournemouth won 1-0. And they deserve to. But it was entertaining. But it does cause a really weird delay.

Because the sendings off right at the other end of the pitch, and I couldn't really work out what had happened. And everything, it's sort of, it's frozen. You're sitting there because the play isn't happening. There's a big screen telling you that VAR's happening. And then they send a couple of blokes off. Yeah. But it's weird.

It sort of slightly deadens the atmosphere for that period of time. It's going to be mayhem in the world coffee. It really is. But is there an argument that actually what happened at the West Ham Arsenal? Yeah, that's the big one. Game. That was yesterday. Yesterday.

Yeah. Was proof that VAR, VA, VA. Via. It's easier to say var, isn't it? It can be substantively a good thing. Because if... I think we might be losing the audience here. Oh, okay, right.

But believe me, we'll be chipping in when the World Cup starts. Yes. Because it's only a month to go. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, if you're a West Ham and you're watching us and I think you might have thoughts. You might want this conversation to continue on the rug. So he can send us an email if you want.

If you've got any happy or unhappy, hammers in your life. They can come and wrestle on our rock. I haven't done this lovely email from a pod fan. I've just been catching up on the pod listening to you talking in response to the lady who is going through the ringer dealing with an aged parent and the heartbreak that all of that brings. Fee mentioned the U-Bend of life and I can attest, I love that word, a test in my experience, this is so true.

In my 50s I too had to deal with a much-loved mum struggling with dementia, an elderly dad who was in turn struggling to cope. my mother-in-law also suffering with dementia, and ditto another struggling elderly dad. Looking back, I cannot quite believe that we managed to get through it all, throw a teenage daughter and stepdaughter into the mix two. All four parents died within a two-year period.

Side note, I was offered a discount by the undertaker. Hang on, is that real? Yes, yeah. But we did emerge through to the other side, blinking and somewhat battered, but we made it. Life is now calmer and quieter and we have time to spend on us. And although all parents are misdreadfully, I do feel we have our version of sanity restored

and our daughter is doing well to hooray. I feel I've just jinxed this by writing it. So hold on in there. It will get better just with more aching joints to contend with. Well, you have been through a lot. And I think in those years where everything is just rushing past you. And everything's coming at you. Yeah, and you're just hanging on, breathing and whatever,

the opportunity to be able to look back and acknowledge it was a terrible time, but actually you're in a different place now. It's really good to tell people your story. It is. Because there are so many people who are absolutely going through the ringer at the moment in their 50s. So thank you for that. There are sometimes when I just can't believe that so many years have gone by that I'm now the responsible one who has to make decisions.

I still can't believe that. Equally, I sometimes can't believe that I've got unfettered access to my own store cupboard and can eat as much as I want whenever I want because it's my house and my cupboard and my fridge. I know what you mean. It is still, it's a real thrill though sometimes, isn't it? Oh, actually. Oh, no, totally. And sometimes.

I can have that. Sometimes I just think I'm just going to eat at a different time of the day. And I can if I want to. Last night, because we'd have quite a full lunch at a barbecue, I just had a great big bowl of Bombay mix and a non-alcohol beer. It was dinner. Who was in charge of the barbecue? Was it men only at the barbie? Oh, it was perhaps and he did a fantastic job.

But he's a, as you know what he's doing? Oh, really nothing. It was undercooked. Nothing was undercooked and nothing was overcooked and chard to oblivion or anything like that. It was really lovely, but it was a soddingly cold day. Yes, it was freezing. Yeah. So it was a very, very British birthday barbecue scene.

Everybody wrapped up, ponchos, you know. A lot of few people will be on the lem sip today. Yeah. But that's when you know you've had a cracking time. But we smile. on through. Well, okay, well done. Camilla says, thank you so much for starting this chat on driving and anxiety. I passed my test at 21, then moved to London, didn't drive again until I was 40, when I did a series of lessons with an instructor recommended by a friend. It was the thought of not

ever being able to drive to a hospital, if needed, that made me do it. It was transformational, and I've driven ever since, and I've loved it. I now do most of the driving, as my husband can pretty much take it or leave it, including driving all the way from the south of England to the Hebrides and back. I find it totally liberating. God, that would be, that's not only one go. It's not possible, is it?

No, because you could there's a ferry involved. No, no. A few years into this driving adventure, I bought an automatic, so there's been lots of Test Australia in this podcast. Car talk now, and we've had VAR. This has been amazing, as it's so much easier to drive, and it means all of those issues with hill starts

and changing gears, are a distant memory. GPS and parking cameras help too. Really learning how to drive in my 40s is one of my proudest achievements. So my tips are find a patient driving instructor, buy an automatic and remember that your car is a passport to freedom and adventure as well as just a means to get around the M25. That has some positivity there from Camilla. Thank you for that. I think the getting a driving instructor who's been recommended, that's a really, really good idea. And my driving instructor said when I passed my test first time that he had never been more surprised by one of his students passing a test. I mean, which, funny enough, he wasn't exactly a vote of confidence.

No. I'm thinking, I'm thinking even now should you be on the road. But it just wasn't the most helpful thing he could have said to me. No. He needed to clap me on the back and send me on my way, but he was just stunned. I love the idea that you would have a whole cohort of impatient driving instructors because you shouldn't be in the job if you're a very impatient person I mean I'd love to hear

from driving instructors about what leads them to the line of work because it must be so difficult I mean the lovely man who taught my youngest daughter to drive he actually had two additional children during the length of time he talked to get a deposit test

it was over many years and it was His patients must simply have been off the scale. So that is the patient driving. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, and she owes him a great debt of thanks. But, yeah, it was, I mean, COVID was a bit of a factor here. But nevertheless, he really was a quite well-established member of the family

by the time the whole saga drew to a conclusion. Yeah, but it's that job that's got a combination of unbelievably repetitive and therefore possibly very dull, but incredibly stressful all at the same time. And it's so responsible. Yeah, I always think that about security guys. as well. Yeah. And actually incredible,

long hours, same view, same job, whatever. But then in a moment, it could turn into something carrying more stress than you and I

ever entertain coming into our working lives. Oh, no, please. Don't do down what we do. Oh, sorry. Oh, good Lord. I mean, I don't know about you, but cortisol is absolutely flooding through me.

Is it coarse C-3? Oh, my goodness. Is it the idea of going back upstairs to take apart Kirstama's latest reboot? Very much so. I can't. Actually, I genuinely, I think I said to you earlier, I'm just feeling we're down here in the dungeon recording our podcast. So we don't know what people are saying about the reboot speech she's made upstairs and on telly and on Times Radio. I just feel that people, it's got the flavour to me of a playground bullying episode that everyone is just waiting to put the boot into the guy.

And look, he's lots of, you know, lots of weaknesses as a politician. But I don't think he's the worst person who's ever been Prime Minister of this country, not by a long chalk. And I just don't, it just feels like everyone is just waiting to give him a, just a boot in the face. I'm just finding it a bit yuck. But look, that's some, God, we've done too much, VAR. We've done awful lot of serious stuff, haven't we?

We've done politics. We've done military tactics. It's just, I think the massive problem with our political system, and I offer no solution to this. at all, it is merely an observation, is that we've become an incredibly impatient electorate within a very patient democratic system. So because, you know, we don't tend to have our elections more frequently than five years. I know that in the past we have for several reasons, have them a bit closer together than that.

So we've got a parliament that tries to build something new against a five-year plan. and we've got an electorate that can just vote people off. I'm a celebrity. Get me out of her within three weeks. And the two things just don't add up anymore. So, you know, the idea is. So Kirstarmer said today, hasn't he, he'd like to do another eight years or whatever it is, I think.

And he said at the weekend, I want to be there for 10, 10 more years, which actually is a realistic time frame to sort out some of the intransigent problems of this country. You won't be able to do it in just one year or two years. But, you know, you don't want to wait 10 years. You know, I don't want to wait more than 24 hours for, you know, my defloughing device to be delivered from a well-known retailer. So the bits of our brain just don't work.

That's a very good point. Within the system that we've got. The age of instant gratification is not made for democracy. It's not. And not for, you know, turning around very, you know, difficult and changed economies. So I don't know what. As I say, I have no solution. I'm just part of that commentariat of annoying people

who have a platform to give opinions. So I'm sorry about that, everybody. Can I say thank you to Pauline, who's in Melbourne? Would you like to give it a little bit of a flourish of an accent? Melbourne. Well done. The $40,000 Solman Prize for Best Subject Painting, genre painting or mural project,

went to sentimental favorite Lucy Cullerton for a painting of her Greyhound, Tula, one of the nine rescue dogs she keeps. Thank you for sending this in. Tula is the exact spit of Nancy. And the portrait's amazing because Lucy Cullerton has painted her dog sitting on a kind of old-fashioned, paisley upholstered chair.

So the Brindle Greyhound almost fades into the chair. She looks like the chair. Yeah. And it's a really beautiful picture. It is beautiful. And it cheered me up a lot this morning. So thank you for that. Yeah.

We probably ought to go in a sec, but this is from Kate. It's about being a professional flautist, is that right? Yes. Because I was asking what it's like to be in the orchestra pit. I've done a lot of opera, says Kate. I wanted to give you a glimpse of some of the joys of playing down there. It truly is a world of its own. You leave normal life behind you and enter a dark space lit up only by lamps attached to each music stand.

It's a bit like climbing down into a submarine. Everyone has their place, and it's often a pre-rength. pretty tight fit. You mostly can't see the stage, so you depend on the conductor and each other to get the timing of everything spot on. If, as many of us do, you've learned the text of the whole opera. It's thrilling, truly, to be part of the retelling of it every evening. I guess a bit like being part of a fabulous radio play set to music. Because we are largely hidden from public view, we can give each other appreciative looks for a solo well done or at very touching moments. genuinely, it is a bonding experience. When it's all over and you can find yourself back

outside with the rest of humanity, it's quite disorienting. It's a strange existence, but honestly, not without intense satisfaction. That sounds good, doesn't it? Very much. I'm beautifully written, Kate. Thank you very much for telling us about that. I love the idea of them sharing just appreciative glances when someone's absolutely played something out, you know, just gone out of their skin to do something truly remarkable. Do you ever feel like giving me that glass? No. Actually, I'm giving it to you now.

That's a grimace of appreciation. As good as it gets, go. I felt the warmth. Did you? No. I don't think it's too late for you to take up a musical instrument, Jay. I think you should. And then you can join an orchestra of the third age.

Right. And I think that you should go for something in the brass section. Okay, what? Symbols? No, that would be in the process. I think maybe a trombone. Do you know what? That's just rude.

And also it's reminding me my school had an orchestra, but it also had a second orchestra. Oh, the second orchestra. That's so funny. I was thinking about that only the other day. I think because we've had lovely emails about orchestras. And I was just having a little bit of a reminisce. And, yeah, I mean, the second orchestra, I think, as a parent.

Oh mum, I've just got into the violin section of the second orchestra. It's a weighted comment. I mean, I could be wrong, but my memory tells me the second orchestra was bossed by a woman called Miss Hogg. And they occasionally used to play in assembly. Miss Hogg cannot be still amongst us. I can't imagine. I mean, no, she couldn't think.

And honestly, it was a cacophonous racket. that I think I can still hear sometimes. So I wasn't in it because I wasn't in any way musical. And I'm sure some of those girls have gone on to very successful careers in a whole range of different fields. But bloody hell, I hope they're not playing music.

I really do. Yeah, but God bless any school for having a second orchestra. Absolutely. Yeah, yes, totally. And actually, aren't those exactly the type of people that you then really, really want to meet later on in life as adults,

The people who were just so enthusiastic about an instrument they played and they just didn't give a WhatsApp about what the actual outcome was. Those are fantastic people in the real world because they're not all kind of, I have to be perfect in order to go. I hope they're not airline pilots or, you know. David Lammy made a funny metaphor, didn't he?

What did he say? Well, he said when he was being challenged over the weekend about whether or not he wanted Stama to continue. The deputy prime minister, I just remember who he is. Yeah. He said, well, you wouldn't want to, a pilot to be changed halfway through a flight. And you think, well, actually, if the plane's going to crash, you absolutely would.

David Lamy, you absolutely would. And if the pilot turns out to not be up to the job, yes, let's change him, shall we? It was just a terrible analogy. Right. That is a metaphor analogy. Well, whatever. Okay, well, that brings to an end. Today's episode of Offair with Jane and Fee,

which we very much hope you've seen in the visualised form, now available, on YouTube. What do people search for? They search for off-air with Jane and Fee. They do. And it pops up on the YouTube. Now, should we just have a little roll around on the floor just to get our testosterone really, really bristling before we go upstairs to talk politics?

Let's do that. But I'm afraid that won't be visualised. Goodbye. Congratulations. You've staggered somehow to the end of another Off-air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live,

and we do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale. And if you listen to this, you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online, on DAB, or on the free Times Radio app. Offair is produced by Eve Salisbury, and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.