Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Aiming to be fat and happy (with Bill Bailey)

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

Are you a bean? You're about to come into your own. Jane and Fi chat Rivals, phallic carrots and doctors in the family. Plus, they speak to comedian and musician Bill Bailey about his new book ‘My Animals, and Other Animals’ and his upcoming show, Thoughtifier. Apologies for the technical issues heard in tonight's podcast. Our next book club pick has been announced! 'The Trouble with Goats and Sheep' by Joanna Cannon. If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I did need a quarter pounder before I went, which I'm not ashamed of. No, that's absolutely fine. And that's the difference between us, because I went for a slightly warm coconut curry in the top floor of John Lewis. The Times Tech podcast sponsored by ServiceNow. A podcast presented from San Francisco and from London. Each week, a fresh interview of pioneers in tech from the brightest startups to the tech giants. That's the Times Tech podcast,

where Danny in the Valley, that's Silicon Valley, meets me, Katie, in the city, the city of London. Exploring how tech is changing life and business in this new world of artificial intelligence. The Times Tech podcast with Katie Prescott and Danny Fortson. Follow us now wherever you get your podcasts. This episode of Off Air with Jane and Fee is sponsored by Norwegian Cruise Line. Have you

ever thought of taking a cruise? Well it's crossed my mind, tell me a bit more about it. Well with Norwegian Cruise Line you can travel to iconic locations across Northern Europe, the Mediterranean and the Greek Isles, unpacking only once and exploring multiple European destinations in one holiday. They offer exclusive go-local shore excursions as well as an immersive programme of on-board experiences. I can't lie, I'm intrigued by up to 21 dining options on a single ship. Well Jane, their fleet has so many unique bars, lounges and restaurants. They also have fantastic entertainment, shows, facilities on board. You wouldn't be short of things to do.

Plan ahead to discover your dream Europe 2025 cruise. It's certainly one way to beat the winter blues. Experience more at sea with Norwegian Cruise Life. For more information call 0333 222 6513. Contact your travel agent or visit ncl.com. Gosh it's been quite a morning already hasn't it? We've got animal lover Bill Bailey on this edition of the podcast, and animal lover Feet Lover is with me now, but she's been a little bit tested.

Do you want to explain what's happened? Well, only briefly, I was a little bit late coming in this morning, dear listeners and colleagues here in the studio. Just because Koolz has had a mauling from Barbara's dad, and his wounds went a little bit septic over the weekend so he had to have an emergency vets appointment this morning and he's had a lot of jabs and we're keeping a very very very close eye on him. The result of all this is you'll be working well into your 80s.

Yes, it's not cheap to be an animal lover in 21st century Britain. Well I wish Kolkat a speedy recovery, not have the easiest life and Barbara's father is now on a wanted poster in the East London area. He is. The little shit. I've been advised to trap him the next time he comes in the garden and attacks one of the cats, but I'm terrified of him too. He's a monster, Jane. He's about two and a half times the size of a normal cat. And Cools is fat. And I'm quoting a vet on that. I'm not being fattest. The

last time I took him in for his microchip, he was late to the microchip world. And the lovely vet, and I just apologize in advance, it was an Italian vet and I'm going to do an accent. OK. I've got absolutely braced. He said he is overweight but he's old. He's fat and happy. He's fat and happy. That's how I'm aiming to be honest. And he's remained fat and unhappy but he's not happy today. My lovely girls. Dear, so, well, we'll keep us updated as the week goes on. But Barbara's father, does Barbara's father have a name? No, he's just Barbara's dad.

You see, what would you call him? Well, I could think of any number of adjectives I'd apply to that creature. I mean, he's a completely feckless parent. Well, he is. You know, because he's got kids all over that part of London. He's head of Filo Fathers for Justice. Handcuffing himself to a bridge quite soon. Don't write in! Jane and Fee at time has stopped reading. Anyway,

thank you for your concern. I just hope he's alright. I hope he's alright, obviously, because he's absolutely the OG of our family zoo. Yeah, and it is, you know, it's quite the collection you've got there, although I have to say, not a patch on Bill Bailey's. How many has Bill Bailey got? He honestly does have more or less a menagerie in his home. And a moment he says, I mean, obviously not, they don't live forever, so they pass through. What? No, they don't. Animals don't live forever. They pass through. I mean, you had one boy, a chicken, who sat on his head,

which, you know, I'm not sure I'd be entirely at ease with that. Not really. I mean, you did say that one of his mates had suggested that perhaps the chicken had just mistaken his head for a giant egg, because Bill doesn't have a lot of hair on top. What's his strangest pet? Oh, I mean, he's had chameleons. OK. Yeah. I mean, he's had a tortoise.

Well, in the interview, I think it's in the interview. I mean he's had chameleons. He's had a tortoise. Well, in the interview, I think it's in the interview, I mean Eve's edited it. There's the dog, one of his rescue dogs wanted to have a sexual relationship with the tortoise. Both were ladies and there's nothing, you know, hey, absolutely go for it girls. But the tortoise wasn't fully on board, although weirdly compliant as long as she could carry on eating a lettuce. So anyway, it's all there. Slightly put me in mind of a scene from Rivals, which I'm sure we'll discuss as the weeks progress.

Well, we won't because I don't have Disney Plus. Oh, I'm going to gift you Disney Plus so you can watch it. There's so much to talk about, Jane. It's just hilarious. Okay, you see, I don't remember it being... I know it's had, well it's had more pre-publicity than any TV show in living memory. It's definitely had a romp up. It really has and I think probably, you know, because I don't like to follow the herd, I've just been rather resistant.

I'm not going to watch it. Oh, I think you should. I think you should. There is really a lot to say. I thought it might be one of those very rare programmes actually that you can sit down and watch with your young adult children and a teenager. But what are you saying? No, it isn't. Okay. They wouldn't want me in the room for that. But can I just, I don't know how many, have you seen many

more episodes of Mr Lover Man? Yes. Because I've seen, I'm on to, I watched two more last night, so I've got, I think there are four more to go. I'm really enjoying it because it's not like anything I've ever seen before on British television. It's probably high time we had a show of this nature, let's be honest. But I really conflicted because the lead character, the character played by Lenny James is a pain in the backside. He's quite a selfish git, actually.

And yeah, I'm really fascinated to see how it plays out. I'm also loving your part of London which is lovingly created, recreated. It's filmed there isn't it? Yeah. It's all around Austin. Yeah, no it's great. Yeah so I agree it's I think it's superb and Bernardine Evaristo who's the author of the book of which it is an adaptation of. She's so clever in the nuances of her characters because you're meant to dislike Barrington, the lead character, aren't you? Even though he's being rather worshipped by everybody around him and also all hail to Lenny for being able to pull that off. I think he's really nailed that one too. And actually in the episode I watched last night where you hear him, we find out more

about his wife who's played by Sharon D. Clarke who I think is also a great actor. Carmel. Carmel, yeah, I think it's really good anyway. So not all of us can access Disney Plus but we can all access certainly in the UK BBClayer, which is where you'll find... Well, as long as you're answering honestly, when they very, very politely ask you, do you have a licence fee? And you wonder how many people go, no. It just seems unlikely, really. Have you got a criminal conviction? You know, they used to ask you that, didn't they, when you came into the country. Yes, I do. Are you a terrorist?

Yes, I am. They just seem to be slightly silly questions to ask. If you've got a nefarious intent, I suspect you're going to lie. Well, please don't, because it never gets you anywhere in life. I mean, did you hear the Times Radio Breakfast Show this morning talking about whether Kamala Harris ever had worked at McDonald's and apparently she might not have done. Oh my word. But she's claimed that she did. And all this, by the way, in a weekend where Donald Trump

spent quite some time in a speech talking about the genitalia of the golfer Arnold Palmer. I'm sorry, but this is where I… And we're only two weeks off that man being back in the White House. Potentially. Yeah. It is... Anyway, our friend and colleague, Jane Mulcairons, has gone to Georgia. Good. She'll sort them out. She's hopefully going to sort them out and we'll hope very much we can check in with her over the next couple of weeks and find out what she's found out there.

Yep. But as we've said on the podcast before, if you are listening to us, if you're one of our American sisters, then we would love to hear what you're making of it over there. And we're with you in spirit. I just shuffled my big papers there. We've got a lot to get through. Emails. Well, can I just first of all shout out to Anonymous, who we've got very few tote bags left. I think it's three. Is that right, Eve? Three. But I do think this emailer is very, very worthy of an email. What am I talking about? Worthy of a tote. She says, I'd love one of your tote bags. I work in a cafe supporting young adults with autism and learning difficulties.

We have a tote bag and I thought I could send you a couple of ours if you send me one of yours. My daughter emailed in ages ago because I'd introduced her to your podcast but to no avail. I've tried to get my 16 year old son to email in too but he hopes that you'll be giving up your job soon as he's fed up with me listening to you and banging on about what you're talking about. He's got no taste whatsoever. He watches Jeremy Clarkson. I've read all the book club books as well. I've just started to learn to crochet. I'm a slow learner and finding it tough, but I think I'd use your bag as my crochet supplies sack. Okay, Anonymous, I think you qualify. Thank you very much for taking the time to email. Sorry your daughter didn't get through on this occasion, and as for your son, watching Jeremy Clarkson, well I don't know, but he's young and impressionable and things will change.

They will change. I think if you leave the son in the background long enough, it eventually calls to the teenage boy. I don't think it does at all. I think you've been very optimistic. Yes. This one comes in from Kate who says, when we were adopting our son, a lovely friend of mine made him a beautiful quilt to put in his new bedroom. Having supported me through the long journey to adoption, she wanted him to know how longed for and precious he was to us and our friends and family. In a similar vein, when we adopted our daughter, the mother of a work colleague knitted her a gorgeous cardigan. She had worked as a social worker before retirement, placing children in families and always knitted something for the children she placed because she said that

those kids had rarely experienced something made just for them. Isn't that lovely? We were really touched and the children keep them in their memory boxes amongst the little shoes and the baby toys. Kate, what a lovely, lovely story to hear and I hope all goes very well with your family and there is something about little shoes, isn't there? Have you kept little shoes? No. But you're right. I kind of wish I had. Oh, I love little shoes. Yeah, little tiny shoes.

They're very first shoes that you get when you learn to walk. Little tea bars. And they're always scuffed on the toe. And you kind of forget how much you did use to scuff. What scuffs a kid's shoes so much more than an adult's shoes? Is it just all the falling over? Kids shoes are always scuffed on the toe. But look, you're wearing a very smart... I thought that Jane was going to some kind of an event because you've got your...

I've got my broogs on. Yes, you've got your event shoes on. Yeah, no. Not going anywhere. There's a Monday night. You've had a big weekend. I was out too often last week as well. We had a very... I don't need to mention the event, but you and I were both going to the same event one weeknight last week, and the prevarication that occurred before this event as to whether

either of us would make it, how long either of us would stay, whether or not we could really face up to going at all. It dominated the entire day at work and then in the end we talked each other into attending it. And I did need a quarter pounder before I went, which I'm not ashamed of. No, that's absolutely fine. And that's the difference between us because I went for a slightly warm coconut curry in the top floor of John Lewis. When you say slightly warm, was it meant to be cold or was it meant to be hot? It was meant to be hot. Oh, I see. I think it had been there a while. It was still very tasty.

It was still very tasty. But if we both go missing, check the McDonald's for Jane and check John Lewis. I'm rather proud of the fact that even though I'm of a certain vintage, I can still go in and use the new way of ordering. Oh, yeah? I find it very efficient. Yes, I like the new way of ordering. Yeah, I'm with you. Although sometimes then it becomes very, very frustrating if they don't have something. The Burger Kings are not serving the spicy bean burger everywhere. They've got these

vegan alternatives and it's not the same. It's not the same. I like a spicy bean burger so it has crunch to it. I'm back in love with beans because I had... You never fell out of love with beans. They've been a constant in your life, Jane. We've got the lovely hairy biker, Cy King, later in the week and so I thought I'd cook one of his recipes from their new book, which is very sad because Dave has died of course, and there's a great recipe for a cannellini bean bake with, I'll be honest with you, slightly unpromising looking ingredients, but all together just a gorgeous combination. It made for a lovely autumnal Sunday night supper. That's nice. Really nice.

The clock's changed, don't they? Next week. Next week. I always find that's when beans come into their own. Right. Head straight for them. Are you a bean? You're about to come into your own. Do you want skinny jeans? Oh yes, because I think there's always somebody who completely disagrees and that's the beauty of this podcast. We've upset Sharon. I've been listening to you both since the beginning of your podcast, both old and current place. This is the first time I've felt the need to write as it made me feel a bit unhappy.

I spend as much of the year in shorts or then in leggings if chillier over winter as spend all day outdoors either doing sport walking or gardening but should I need to be a bit smarter I always wear skinny jeans. And I was a bit shocked when you said they don't look good on anyone. I wonder why or what I should wear instead. I've only got one pair of blue jeans which I bought about ten years ago. They were £200 at the time. What? Like ten years ago. And Sharon admits, which was very extravagant, but they've worn and washed very well

and I feel neat in them. I used to wear baggy things back in the late 80s and 90s, but I feel swamped in baggier clothes now. Should I try and change? Well, Sharon, don't. I mean, absolutely. Stick with what you know and love. I wonder whether you could be so kind

as to just send us a picture of your skinny jeans because you may be the one person that they suit, in which case it will change the direction of our denim thoughts. Yes, it absolutely will. And 200 quid for a pair of jeans a decade ago, but constant wear, then I guess she's had her money's worth. Yeah. More than her money's worth, you could argue. What do they call that? It's a false economy, isn't it, when you buy cheap clothing and chuck them out. Yes. And it's very sensible to do the paper wear calculation in your head. Can we talk about the frequency of washing, which is a subject that exercises us. This

is Rachel. My father was born in 1924 and he was a very young prisoner of war in Germany during the Second World War. During his time in the camp he learned to all-over wash from a very small basin of water and preferred to wash that way for the rest of his life, every morning very thoroughly. He very, very rarely used the bath or shower. He smelt lovely and he had great skin. He called his wash an aunt Dulcie. I've no idea why and I would love to know if anyone else has ever heard that expression. Over to you. Briefly, from Jew, I really enjoy dipping into your podcast while gardening or walking

to the Lido, which I use for embracing cold water swimming, although I've yet to be convinced. Following on from the chat on childhood baths and their frequency, I grew up in the early 70s and I had a bath only ever on a Sunday night, after a tea of more often than not fish paste sandwiches and Battenberg cake. I have never eaten either since I left home. The rest of the week I had a stand-up wash at the bathroom basin, flannel in hand, to wash myself in what my mother Called face feet and fanny obviously in that order. It seemed perfectly normal at the time There is that the right order face feet and funny

I suppose it yeah And there's actually there was a very funny moment on Gogglebox when that lovely Welsh couple were talking about that And the husband laughed at the possibility of getting that wrong in the wrong order. Oh. You wouldn't want to, would you? I guess not. No, Jane.

From all of your years at the cold face of womanhood, I would have thought it was blindingly obvious that you wouldn't want to get that wrong. That's why I have a buzz. Jew also, she mentions Battenberg cake there. Never liked Battenberg cake. I kind of know what she means. It's rich with the rather grim prospect of a Sunday night Battenberg cake. Do you know what I mean? You know, the slight dread of going to school the next morning, whatever it might be, and songs of praise on the telly. And Battenberg, I couldn't, I didn't like the squares. I was used to

puzzle over how they got the squares that way. Nah, never trusted it. I thought it was also a little bit of a tease of a cake because it promises you something that doesn't deliver because the pink and the cream just taste exactly the same. Yeah, it's a con. It was there on the plate going, oh, look at me, look at me with all my enticement,

my different marzipan. Quite right, delivered. Nothing, nothing. Nothing, we dismiss iticement, my different marzipan. Quite right, delivered. Nothing. Nothing. We dismiss it. Vegetable humour comes from Sarah Smith. I don't think it's that Sarah Smith, but she's doing very, very good work. Big admirer. Yeah, she's doing excellent work over there in the America. Longtime listener, I couldn't resist sending this to you. It had me laughing inappropriately and dangerously, if you know

what I mean, when I pulled it out of the bag of carrots. I'm not sure that you solicit emails like this, but I thought a bit of lightness amongst the agony-aunting of recent weeks. Now, I'm going to leave this to my colleague, Jane, to describe the vegetables. So Sarah has found a carrot. Well, I think you've picked the wrong person since I struggled with that anatomical detail about the right order of the... Let's try Eve. What's that carrot up to? No comment. Well, I'll tell you what, Sarah, I'll describe it then.

The carrot looks like it's got a slightly small tapered penis. And it is funny, it just is funny. And you're right... No, I'm ashamed to say it is funny. Yeah. If vegetables that look like genitals were good enough for esteransis... And you're right. No, I'm ashamed to say it is funny. If vegetables that look like genitals were good enough for Esther Routson, then it's a mantle we're very happy to take on. Sarah, thank you.

And if you also have an anatomically challenging something or other in your veg box this week, why don't you tell Andrew Neil? No, tell us obviously. Obviously tell us. He starts opening his email inbox and there's loads and loads of crude shaped vegetables saying Jane and Fee told me to send this to you. I think we should send them to Amel now. Or another very important man. Yeah. I've liked his recent interviews actually, I don't want to knock him.

My sister is a vagina doctor is this title from Katie. Long time listener, first time emailer. We welcome all of these. In response to your comment about people related to doctors, we've had some very interesting ones on this subject. My totally brilliant sister is an obstetrician and gets endless questions from friends, even friends of friends, about random medical issues. Her standard and brilliant response is, sorry, how does this impact your vagina? I only do vaginas. This is a very good job, of course, for example, quietening my uncle asking about his shoulder pain at the Christmas dinner table or the neighbour talking about her gallbladder again. On a serious note we're all very grateful for her constant advice about everything. She just

coached me through my first pregnancy and the birth of my daughter. My sister helped navigate a tricky birth asking all of the right questions of the hospital team and gently ensuring everything went as well as it could. When my daughter safely arrived we were all feeling quite confident until I realized obstetricians know nothing about babies once they're out of the womb. When the midwife told my sister to dress my daughter only a few hours old I saw total panic in my sister's eyes for the first time ever. My daughter is four months old now, farewell sleep, when does that return? A while yet I'm afraid Katie. And my sister is the most supportive person I could have hoped

for whilst I'm finding my feet as a new mum. Even though she might not know baby, she asks her awesome midwife colleagues their opinions on feeding and all those early months type issues and reports back with their sage advice. Now, Katie and her cousin Sophie came to see us live at the South Bank Centre a few years back and have also got tickets to see us in the Barbican. That is on Tuesday the 4th of February next year and we are looking forward to seeing you both there as well, Katie. And June-Wall, I think that just speaks of something that we shouldn't dismiss lightly the very sage advice of women who know babies, courtesy of people who we actually know. Does that make sense? I think there is so much stuff out there that

you can buy and I did that. I bought all the books and I kind of watched some videos and I felt that that was my way of gaining insight and information, but nothing beats the properly qualified woman who's been through it or seen it. And I know that there are lots of groups that you can join where, you know, you're helped along the way, but actually never be, I'd just say never be afraid to ask, just to ask people who've had babies how everything went because there's a distance isn't there in all of those groups where maybe you can't say what you really are fearful of or take the advice on board and it's certainly the

stuff that comes your way via Instagram whatever just might not be for you. You might not know what happened half an hour afterwards. No, no, I mean absolutely those Instagram perfect domestic scenes, I don't believe it at all. Anonymous says, my mum, dad and brother are all doctors. Mum is a former GP and a retired public health doctor, a total badass during the pandemic. Dad is a retired GP in his 80s now from the school of 86 hours working on the trot and making derisive remarks about the so-called GPs of today. And my brother is a quite brilliant consultant eye surgeon who's scampered up the ranks at a pace. Mum's ex-partner was also a GP. In a nutshell, they're helpful and irritating in equal measure. They cannot accept when they're wrong, but also know so, so much

about so much. I think it goes with the territory of the weird worship of the medical profession, which is a hundred percent a thing. They've all been on the receiving end of photos of friends noses, toes, ears, eyes, knees and nails, and then come back with a list of questions and usually a diagnosis. Dad is useless at accepting any medical help or advice and manages to slip into most conversations when I was in practice even if he's buying a pint of milk. Mum's cure for most things after placing her cool palm on your forehead and checking your pulse is too paracetamol, a glass of water and some sleep. My brother, well the general saying goes that a problem shared

becomes his problem. He's a real fixer and I'm very lucky to have him. The less said about mom's ex, the better. Okay, well we won't go there. Yes, I love the idea of the checking your pulse, putting a cool palm on your forehead. As a parent, I put a palm on the forehead when somebody can clap. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm feeling for. And then I always ask my absolute go-to question, when did it start? As though that is in any way going to assist them. It's a good tip for every interview as well, isn't it? I think you could insert when did it start into nearly every interview scenario. And Ela-very with Bill Bailey. When did it start? When did it start? When did it start? This business of collecting animal. He is funny

though isn't he? Do you remember we saw him at the Hay Festival? Yes. And I can't remember how long, how many years ago that would be about? I think it was about 214. Yes. When we first started. God he was funny. He was funny. He was funny. This one comes in from Annette, who says, I was listening this week and I heard Jane mention the vintage car shows. It came to mind as I currently watch Bangers and Cash. That's a great, great cycle.

I should be watching that. This is under Sufferance as payback from making my other half watch the M&S sewing show. Why is that on? I'd watch that. I don't know. The programme might be right up your street, Jane, because it's about men and their vintage cars. Women do make a rare appearance looking happy as the car leaves for auction. But it's mainly men of a certain vintage in overalls with their head under a bonnet.

A picture of my one-year-old puppy is attached with her favourite toy just because. Well that is just gorgeous, it's really really lovely and Annette you sound like our kind of trooper lady. Can I just bring in Helen please? 54 and making mud pies in Staffordshire. Listening to the podcast where Jane was talking about her consecutive Fiat Pandas with a choke, I too many years ago had two of the original Fiat Pandas. My first was Powder Blue. I loved that car and I was even more thrilled when on a trip to the Design Museum in London with my art diploma course there was a model of a Fiat Panda. A design classic apparently. The only other car other than my bashed up old Balingo that I truly loved. Other than that I couldn't care less about cars. No testosterone here,

that's as far as my car chat goes. Well, I think I'll say you'd have to tend for some solid car chat there, Helen. Don't beat yourself up, you know exactly what you're talking about. This is a criticism and it's going to remain anonymous because that's what you've asked for. While I completely respect the national sorrow at the tragic death of a beloved young pop star, Liam Payne, could I ask that it stays in proportion? It is of course genuinely tragic to lose someone so young and a partner, parent and beloved son. But on the same day occurred the M6 tragic road traffic accident where five lives were lost including children and a further child is in hospital with serious injuries. Somehow to have such overblown sentiment just because somebody is famous is a little disrespectful to others who have suffered loss. And actually

there was another email that came in saying exactly the same thing. And it is an interesting thing isn't it? And it will I think unfortunately remain the case that celebrity puts you at the top of a news bulletin in a way that other deaths don't. And also, at the moment, there are so many people dying in the Middle East. You could argue that focusing on just one person is really unpleasant and insensitive at the moment. But I just think there is something about Liam Payne's death that has exposed a really odd thing that we're all doing and we're watching happening in plain sight, which is this adulation of very, very young people in the pop sphere. And all of the people who are complicit in

that. And I think that his death does tell us something about how that journey, as they always say on those shows, just really, really needs to be looked at. There is just not happiness at the end of that rainbow for so many of those young people. And you know, if we're the ones watching those programmes and we're voting for them and then we're following them on Instagram and we're feeling incredibly close to them. We are all part of that picture. And I think some really sensible things have been said over the weekend by people in the music industry about what needs to be changed. But ultimately, and Guy Chambers, I think, has been quite thoughtful about it.

He's the Robbie Williams songwriter. He is, yep. And songwriter to others, I think, as well. And he just said, you know, if you've got a 16 year old, you've got a 16 year old, you know, you are taking a child out of their life and we've got to stop looking at these people as being able to cope. I mean, of course, there are just too many stories of people who can't. And I know that a lot of record labels are employing lots of psychologists and therapists and, you know, onboarding lots of help, but that's kind of offloading your guilt and your problems, isn't it? And maybe

if you're going to sign a 16-year-old as a record label, you've just got to sign them for life. Because Liam Payne had been dropped by record labels and it obviously added to his distress. And if you're going to say, can we make money out of your childhood, then perhaps you ought to take on board the fact that you will then owe that child a job for life, because they won't have very many options afterwards. But record companies don't do that. He died at 31, which is an age when most of us, if we're lucky enough to have a job that we enjoy, are barely getting started. And he felt that he was finished. Yes. So if you want that bit that is highly, highly successful, marketable, malleable, all of the rest of it, then maybe you just have to accept that

forever you will owe that person responsibility, care, attention, money and proper, proper help. Yeah, I mean it's just, it's never going to be a level playing field when it comes to, let's be honest, when it comes to deaths. It just isn't. If you're famous and young, you get one kind of reaction and unfortunately if you're a member of the civilian population and you die in a terrible way in a car accident then you're not going to get the same level of attention. Of course the people who really care for you will continue to be devastated for the rest of their lives. I wish it were fair, it's just not and it never will be.

This episode of Off Air is sponsored by the National Art Pass. Now Jane, there's nothing I like better than a trip to a gallery or a museum on a rainy afternoon. And let's be honest, we get quite a lot of those in the UK, don't we? I do feel that looking at a bit of art is more than just kind of looking at a bit of art, if you know what I mean. I think it can really stay with you long after the visit, kind of feeds the soul. Yeah, you're on to something there because scientific research suggests that regularly looking at art could help you live longer, plus lots of other well-known benefits to

boost your wellbeing and help reduce stress. So why not get a National Art Pass? It gives you free and half price entry at hundreds of museums and galleries and only costs £59.25 for an individual pass. And there's a reduced price for under £30. And you can also purchase plus one and plus kids add-ons. Free or half price entry and a chance of living longer, I am sold. The National Art Pass. See more, live more. Get your pass at artfund.org forward slash off air.

ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Halloween horror is about this spooky season with these hair-raising podcasts. The Magnus Protocol. Catch you next time, dearie. No, you won't. After Dark. And with that, the curtain falls on the story of Anne Boleyn.

The Red Room. Exploring Irish ghost stories and haunted Irish history. Listen to these Acast shows wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Right, shall we bring in, let's bring in the guest, Bill Bailey. How would you describe him? He's actually quite difficult to describe because he is a comedian. Is he a whimsical comedian? Is he wry? What would you say about him? I would say whimsical. I think that's a good word. Yeah. He doesn't really talk about politics, but sometimes he does. He is actually quite political. He has been quite a vocal supporter

of the Labour Party in the past. He never rants on stage. He kind of does a, well, Donald Trump calls his speeches a weave. I would say that Bill Bailey does a proper, brilliant, witty weave every time he appears on stage. He never curses, he never swears. He's also quite incredible musician and he won strictly in that grim pandemic winter of 2020. But rest assured that is the last reference to that dance show in this interview. Bill Bailey has written a book called My Animals and Other Animals and it's a memoir but only of sorts according to the cover of the book and he does have an incredible menagerie in his home so I asked him when did it all start Bill? We had a family dog Tinker the West Highland White Terrier

and other relatives had dogs as well so we had those always animals around so it seemed entirely natural to have animals. My wife had a dog when she when she first came down to live with me. She brought a dog and then we sort of took on animals gradually as over the years it snowballed. We'd go to the pet shop to get some dog food and some various bits and pieces and bones and whatever and then they'd say, oh we've got this rabbit that nobody wants. You know, we're thinking about euthanasia. And we were like, no, don't do that. We'll take it.

So that was the start of it. Can we run through the current crop living Shea Bailey? Shea Bailey, we've got four parents, the cockatoos. And we've got three dogs. we've got a quantity of carp, we've got some lizards, some tree frogs, a couple of partridges, a few other birds, I can't remember quite what they are, exotic birds, and we've got also some armadillos. So that's it, it's quite, that's that's relatively restrained for us. Is it yes, you're not open to the public are you, we should make clear this is your private family home. That's right, see there, in fact what we've often said over the years, what

we should do is get a turnstile in pudding and a gift shop and then it would sort of make sense, but no they're just, these are animals which we've we've taken on looked after because for whatever reason they were extraneous to requirements in a wildlife park or a zoo that couldn't look after them and or they were you know temporarily in transit somewhere and we've said well we'll provide a you know a home for them until a home can be found and of course sometimes with fostering like that they end up staying for years. Yeah. The rescue dogs you have, I mean,

have you exclusively owned rescue dogs? Yeah, we've had rescues for many years, yeah. Right. I mean, it's not an easy business, is it? No. No, well, it isn't because, you know, they've all got a bit of baggage and you don't quite know what that is. And sometimes it takes a while before that reveals itself and you might even be just moving your hand in a certain

way or a sound or a loud bang or just you know they've obviously had some trauma in the past but they make fantastic pets once they realise that this is it they're not going to get shifted moved on They are immensely loyal and wonderfully sort of quirky, full of character. And I just think they make incredible pets, family pets. But it's not a decision I don't think anyone should take it lightly, should they? If they're going to do this, you've got to properly invest in this. Yeah, well that's right. You have to, I mean, exactly, you have to really think hard about how you're going to be able to look think hard about how you're going to be able

to look after this animal. Are you going to be able to provide the exercise that it needs, the companionship that it needs, you're going to be able to, what happens if you're going to weigh, you're going to be able to get someone to look after it. Can you fit it into your life in a way that it's not going to make them feel either they're not looked after, not fed, groomed, exercised. So it's a big commitment, true, absolutely right, but you know, it pays dividends. Over the years then, would you be able to point to a favourite dog? I mean, we've had some amazing dogs over the years. I mean, we had this wonderful dog, Rocky.

He was a Patadale Terrier. He was a magic dog. He lived to a ripe old age of 20. And recently we had a rescued tiger who was a real mix of different things. We didn't quite know what he was. He was an odd looking dog. He was a spindly bag of bones.

He had a kind of sagging back and a kind of tail hung down. He always looked permanently disappointed by something. He had a kind of mournful demeanor and just a kind of resigned attitude. And he was just, you know, like other dogs would come bound up and see you when you come in and, hey, you're back, you know you like other dogs would come and bound up and see you when you come in and hey you're back you know and Tiger would just look at you like yeah you know yeah so you're back what do you want me to do about it you know wag my tail no I can't be bothered and so he had this wonderful almost like a sort of a haughty demeanor which was which was he was very sweet nature dog

he was a lovely dog but he was a project. I think that's what it was. It took time for me to get him on board but eventually did. He cracked and he was a lovely dog. Was that the dog who would come to you and you would be able to tickle his tummy or rub his belly? You could do, yes. He would accept it up to a point, and then just say, all right, that's enough of that. And he was quite aloof in many ways. And he caused us all manner of problems

because he was a bolter. You know, he'd lived on the streets, and so he had a kind of stiller streets, sort of savvy mentality. And so occasionally, if he saw the door open, he'd always, his eyes would sort of like, would narrow, and think, ah, there there a way out here? And then on a couple of occasions, he did get out.

And he went for miles and miles and miles, just looping along the streets. Lord knows how he wasn't injured. And because he was chipped, someone would stop him. And fortunately, they were a dog person who knew where to look for these things. And they found a little, we had a little disc with his number and they ferned us up and we went to pick him up and he just looked, he just looked like, suitably embarrassed

you know like, yeah I'm really sorry about that, I mean messed up there and he was, he had his fan club you know that we'd take him to the park and people would come and bring him treats, he was well loved and you know he had we'd take him to the park and people would come and bring him treats. He was well loved and, you know, he had a great life. I really, I want you to tell us about the dog. I think it was, was it Ruby who had, well it was a bit of a one-sided love affair with a quite long-suffering tortoise. Also a lady, I should say. Yes, that's right, yes. Well we thought it was a, we thought it was a gentleman tortoise for a while. We called it Godfrey after the, you know,

the dad's army character. Private Godfrey. Private Godfrey played beautifully by Arnold Ridley and and then we had it sext which is obviously something you do with you when you have animals and we discovered it wasn't actually a man at all. It was a female tortoise so we called it Dolly after there's a scene where he says my sister Dolly has made some upside-down cake and so we call it Dolly after there's a scene where he says my sister Dolly has made some upside down cake and so we We got you renamed the tortoise Dolly and the dog Ruby who was a female dog. She just took a Liking what I say liking she kind of Became quite possessive over this tortoise and we would stand over it So the point the other dogs were not allowed near it.

It was like she claimed her as her own, which is quite sweet, but then it sort of, it kind of, it escalated a little bit into the point that she, well, trying to sort of put this delicately, she had a more, what's called, of carnal interest in the tortoise, to the point that she would actually, you know, she would sort of hump its shell. And this obviously was, you know, it was quite alarming for guests when they'd look out and see this happening, you know, like, what are you doing with these animals? What are you teaching teaching them and anyway the the tortoise completely oblivious she just initially she would just retreat into a shell and then after a while

just went uh you know just god you know have you get on with it have your fun and she'd carry on eating your lunch so she'd carry on munching away yeah well this will be over in a minute and um and of course it meant that her shell was always buffed to a lovely sheen. Yeah you see there's always a plus. There's always a plus. An interspecies love. Yes I can probably make the case for almost every creature on earth like you I know you're a proper lover of all things natural world yeah but the bat I mean you write about bats and they I've only seen a few in my I think in my girl guide camping days Oh, they're terrifying and on mass. I was really terrifying. Well, absolutely and and and of course bats some

sort of features a kind of a this mythical figure of dread don't they in so much film and literature and the Actually a lot of people I mean it's always women particularly were always featured in films when they in early films and 50s and 60s it was like like beating away at the bat oh the bats gonna get caught in my hair but actually in Britain we only have tiny little bats we have little you know pipistrils which are kind of very very sweet but

the bats I I encountered in the, I write about in the book were the flying foxes, these sort of, these beautiful, enormous sized bats that inhabited this cave in the Philippines. And they are quite intimidating when they all fly out en masse. And when you actually go into a bat cave,

there's a racket of noise and screeching and and there's mating going on and there's all kinds of stuff it's kind of chaos and then they all fly out in this huge black cloud but it's in undeniably impressive and it's absolutely staggering to watch and you know I sort of love them. I love them like because they are so sort of you know maybe demeaned and they're sort of feared. Well because they're bloody ugly. I don't know. A little flying fox has got a lovely sweet little foxy face. There is a touching bit in the book where you're in South Africa and you're filming

some baboons who are clever creatures and they've cottoned onto the happy campers coming by with their packed lunches. And you just describe, you write about just a very brief encounter with eye-to-eye contact with a baboon. Yes, it was a wonderful moment. The male baboons, the Cape Chakma baboons, are quite big, aggressive creatures, they're quite intimidating, and they just leave all the humans alone in case they want to, or else they just nick something off them

or they steal their lunch or whatever. But the adolescents are quite sweet and curious. And when I was filming, I just sat down for a moment, and then a little troupe of these adolescent baboons were kind of gradually getting closer and closer, almost like daring each other to get closer. And then the boldest of the lot came forwards, and he sort of very gently placed his paw on my arm and looked at me in this

lovely sort of soft gaze and it was just a gorgeous moment. It was almost like a little moment. He looked at me like, is it okay if I got my paw on your arm." And we sort of shared a bit of a moment. There was a kind of a, you know, interspecies sort of connection. And then he just leapt back and started shrieking and all the other baboons were like, He touched it! He touched the thing! He touched the thing! He touched it! And they all ran off shrieking. But it was just, yeah, it was lovely.

It meant, you know, it was something, because the fact I can remember it now, it was lovely. It meant, you know, it was something, because the fact I can remember it now, it made a deep impression on me. Would you trust anyone who didn't have a pet? I'm always interested in people who, for whatever reason, and it may be practical that they just can't have a pet, but... Do you know what, I've known people, we have great, very close friends of mine who've not had pets. And yet, I said to them, well, you know, you say that. They're like, well, I'm not a dog person, avowedly not a dog person or a pet person.

And I would just, I would say, look, you say that now, but you know, one day, and I've got to say in every one of those occasions I would go around to someone's house who would be basically telling me that you know you if you need to get rid of these animals but what you do with all these animals I could help you get rid of them you know and then I go around their house and I let the door and this little fluffy ball of a dog would greet me and then this person this hitherto avowed dog, non-dog lover would scoop them up, oh hello fluffy, you know, and I just see, you see, you see, eventually you crack.

Yeah. I have only seen you live once and it was at the, I think it was at the Hay Festival, I know it was, a couple of years ago. Oh, okay. The Hay Festival. Oh yes, yes. Yeah, you did do it, Bill, didn't you? I've done the Hay Festival many times. Yeah, and I didn't really know what to expect and it was incredibly funny. I mean, you don't need to hear this, but you are brilliant on stage. But what you don't do, you never swear, do you?

I don't think that... You definitely didn't swear that night. There's no smut in your act at all. But nor is it, it's not straightforwardly observational comedy either. What is it? Well it's whatever those things are not I suppose. I mean it's just, it's what I've because I've carved out my own style over the years and it's really I mean a collection of stories and jokes and musical kind of observations really woven into my own style of humor I suppose and I mean the swearing thing is that it was never really a conscious thing I just I remember once one evening at the Comedy Store And I thought just as an exercise. I wonder if I'd get through because it was very sweary

I mean low-key stand-up used to be I mean it I suppose it is still but there was a lot of swearing I thought you know it's almost like is it a is there a way of doing this way you don't have to do this because English language is so rich and full of nuance and meaning. Surely there's a way to try and subvert it a little bit. Anyway, so I did it as an exercise and instead of a swear word or whatever I used some ancient word, some old English word, rascal, rapscallion, and it got an equally ill laugh. And I just thought, well, it's not like I'm going to be losing a laugh. You know what I mean? I think even at that stage I would have thought I wouldn't have sacrificed a laugh if it meant, well,

okay, there's a swear word coming out. It goes boom, and there's a shock value to it. But I just thought, I realized then, there's a way to do it, where you're not compromising on the comedy, and people still love it. It's just, for some reason it is, it's like there's so much of it around. You know, you just think, if you're on stage and you have the ability to craft something,

why not, why not not use it? So that's the reason for that. And also I suppose, I've had a long time to think about this comedy, it's just evolved over many years. My first gig was when I was 18 and that was a mixture of absurd observation but stories and strange connections in music and I guess it's just continued ever since. What gave you the confidence as an 18 year old to stand up there and do it? I don't know, I think there's something about that my own kind of, I suppose people would, I wouldn't consider myself, but people do describe me as some sort of eccentric and

that I've always, I mean I've loved performing ever since I was a kid. In fact, by 18, I mean that was, I started probably when I was four or five. It just felt like a natural thing to do. It was, you know, I'd learned little bits of material on the piano that I'd copied from Les Dawson or something, you know, and I would play them at a family funeral actually. It was a funeral was the first time I did that, probably the wrong occasion for that. But it seemed to get a laugh. It got a reaction. You know, somebody spat some tea out and then somebody dropped something and then somebody swore and I thought, wow, the power of that. That's amazing. So, and I guess that's it. It's just something that, you know, we all have a reason to be here. My dear friend Sean Lock, a fellow

comedian who died in 2021, he once said to me once I'd done a show and he said Bill you said this is what you were born to do and I guess that's true I guess that's it you know I mean I'll be many good at any other thing but this is one thing I can do and that's it. Yeah but if your epitaph was kind to animals, made people laugh, it's not that bad is it? I'm not happy with that. You don't, I mean would you describe yourself as a political comedian? You have said you support the Labour Party and I think there were lots of people who, I mean we are British so we never get too kind of overjoyed, but I was mildly

optimistic about the return of Clare. That's as good as it gets. That's about as enthusiastic as we all were. Well, how's it going, Bill? Well, it's been, what somebody described it as a little bit of a bumpy start. And I think that's true. It's a little bit, it's not quite I think how they imagined it. And it's for all of us who supported them, it's a little bit like, really? Well, what's, you know, is there any way that, you know, policy and, you know, vision, can we have some of that? Rather than being mired down in endless kind of headlines,

which of course there will be, and you know, about freebies and about this and about, you know, pensioners, you know, all of that. I mean, it seems like these are avoidable traps, you know, these are things that you could just, you could head off at the pass with a bit of forethought. And I'm sure, knowing yourself, if you're in the public eye, you have to predict these things. You

have to think about how something will look, or the optics, I suppose, is the word of the moment. And so it is a bit like that. It seems it's a bit chaotic and a bit ill-conceived at the moment. OK, but early days. Yes. And as we look across the Atlantic to the possibilities there, you'd rather be here, wouldn't you? Well it is quite extraordinary, isn't it? I mean, naturally, sort of obviously politically, I'm not really a Trump fan, but I am still fascinated by how

someone who Like that is get such an enormous amount of following. That's the thing I think which I think brief sort of it's it's it fat if there's around the world people are fascinated by that and those around the world people are fascinated by that and almost they can't quite believe it like millions of people not just you know 70 million 75 million something voted for him at the last election and I think the thing is you have to try and understand it that's that's the only way you can I mean I'm my the way I look at it is like well okay, is this some sort of mass hysteria? No, people had genuine grievances, and he seemed to have the solutions. That's the only way you could really describe

it, his popularity. And so what he represents, I see, I kind of tried to delineate the two, he represents a kind of the anti-politics, the guy in the bar sticking it to the man, you know, telling it like it is. Yeah, he's, you know, and that's enormously attractive to a lot of people, you know, the idea of having someone like that who's not from the political kind of world, who is an outsider, a bit of a rogue, you know, an outlier. All of those people are always immensely attractive to people, you know, like we have them here. But personally, I find it's staggering that someone in public life who's so seemingly quite damaged, quite sort of, he takes offence

so lightly, you know, he takes, you know, he takes grievance and narcissism and all of those things that you see in someone. You think, how can someone be in, you know, near power? This is someone who shouldn't ever be near power because, you know, they're a little, they're out of control, you know. Yeah. So, the night, well, it's relatively close, isn't it? It'll be in a couple of weeks' time now. Will you be playing close attention that night? I will. Yeah. I am fascinated by it, and it's very close isn't it, I mean it's incredibly close, it's down to a few swing states and you don't know quite how they all vote on the night, you know, the election could hang on really a handful of the electoral college votes.

And I can't imagine it. I can't think of an election that's probably is going to be as close as this. Right, if Donald Trump were an animal, what kind of animal would he be? animal? What kind of animal would he be? Something, I mean he seems like he's a big beast but he's actually quite fragile. So I imagine, you know, he's like one of those giant sort of, what do they call them, you know, like a giant moth that looks scary but he's actually just drawn to the light. Actually it's quite a good... I think you've got it Bill. I think it's quite a good analogy. He's drawn to the light constantly. Bill Bailey. His book is called My Animals and Other Animals and if you haven't seen him live do treat yourself. His show Thoughtifier is on at the Theatre Royal Haymarket from the 28th of December.

So when you see a bothersome moth what do you you do? Do you try and shoo it outside or do you whack it? No, I don't whack it. I just pick them up. I have no qualms about doing that. I also do the same to spiders and I guide them into the garden. That's very kind. What do you think Donald Trump's going to talk about this week? I mean, he spent one event just dancing, didn't he? As if he was lost in that world. Yeah, you couldn't call it dancing either. Very odd. Well his kind of movement to music, whatever that is.

That's generous. So, you know, what does come next? I don't know, but I'm not the only person, I don't think, in the world who's just a little bit tense. Yeah, just a touch. Just a touch. Just a tad tense. Anyway, my thanks to Bill. His book, which would go down a tree, a stormer, with anybody in your family who is as much of an animal lover as he is. My Animals and Other Animals is the name of his book.

Now, I know this is a very late call, but it's book club for us tomorrow because Jane and I will be interviewing Joanna Cannon who is the author of The Trouble with Goats and Sheep, which is our latest book club book. And we won't be putting the book club edition out for another couple of weeks but if you want to ask a question via us of Joanna then you've got to get it in today or by about midday tomorrow if that's okay and then we'll be able to put it to her. So any little nuggets that you would like us to punt to Joanna, I think she's really up for it as well and we'll pop as many questions in as is humanly possible and then two weeks down the line we'll do the big book club book. And just a quick one from T.E. who says, my three in the morning listening out here on

My Little Island on the Pacific coast of Canada was the delightful interview with Brenda and Anne. So T.E. really enjoyed that. If you have missed it, it is now available as part of the podcast feed. It's the Cheltenham Festival conversation with Brenda Blethan and Anne Cleaves. I think a lot of people have enjoyed that actually. So seek it out if you haven't heard it. And our thanks to Eve for arranging that. Thank you Eve. All in a day's work, literally. It's what she's pretty good for.

She does it with a smile. And she always looks after us really well, Jane. So we are doubly doubly grateful. It's Jane and Phee at Time Stop Radio if you'd like to pop us an email, Jane, so we are doubly, doubly grateful. It's Jane and Fee at Time Stop Radio if you'd like to pop us an email, vegetables, quilts, anything you like. Congratulations, you've staggered somehow to the end of another Off Air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale, and if you listen to this you'll understand exactly why that's the case.

So you can get the radio online on DAB or on the free Times Radio app. Off Air is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Halloween horror is about this spooky season with these hair-raising podcasts. The Magnus Protocol. Catch you next time, dearie. No, you won't. After dark.

And with that, the curtain falls on the story of Anne Boleyn. The Red Room. Exploring Irish ghost stories and haunted Irish history. Listen to these Acast shows wherever you get your podcasts.