Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Are you wearing your girdle? (with Tim Key)

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

Fi is back! Jane is thrilled... can't you tell? And they've got lots of your emails to get through. They chat undergarments, scams and undesirable golden arches. They're joined by actor, comedian and poet Tim Key to discuss his new collection of poems 'Chapters'. If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] Follow us on Instagram! @janeandfiAssistant Producer: Eve SalusburyTimes Radio Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good Lord, how long do you think it takes me? I know I'm a slow walker relative to Fee, but I can still get the boggum back in a couple of minutes. We've started. I always think it might not be the length of the wee that's keeping you. You might be one of those very old-fashioned ladies of a certain age who's wearing a girdle some tights a petticoat yeah so it's actually just the kind of getting dressed again after a

wee that means you take a long time god i can remember as a kid just thinking oh my god because girdles were a thing weren't they and we were probably as quite young children exposed to girdles and they were terrifying they were terrifying i mean i used to have to help my nan with her various contraptions that she insisted on hoisting herself into i mean i shouldn't have been exposed to that actually i was too young but our our journey around a department store when we were younger was just very different, wasn't it? Because there would be a whole department that was petticoats and undergarments. And I'm not trying to pretend we're from the 17th century.

But now, if you walk through a department store, there's a whole load of bras and all kinds of support girdles and stuff like that. But there isn't the endless undergarmenting. I don't know anybody who wears a slip. Not a slip. No, slips have gone. Yeah, and petticoats have gone. You don't wear a petticoat. You wear a skirt way more often than I do.

But do you even own a petticoat? I think I've got one, and I don't know why I've got one. Because you're right, we used to wear them. Why did we wear them? Was it because it's static? I think it's just, it was static clinging. And I think it was just that hangover from a time when, you know, women just did have to endlessly, endlessly protect their nether regions.

But knickers are a, in fact, I know I'm right in saying this, knickers are a relatively new invention. For a long, long time, women didn't wear knickers because they just wore long skirts. And actually, it's perfectly healthy, of course, not to wear knickers. And then you could just stand healthy of course not to wear knickers and then you could just stand over a drain and that's right you just stand over a drain i think we've come full circle but we haven't got an email about public urination haven't we but i don't know whether we've got so many great emails i'm not sure we're gonna have time for that one but oh no i love that one because it describes the male

we as being half of the mcdonald's arch and i've seen men do exactly that. I'm with you, sister. That's very good, that one. Jane and Fee at Times.Radio are thanks to Sister Jane of the Convent of the Shriveled Heart. Now, did she get very, very, very smutty? Oh, no. This is why we need to talk about brass sex. And we're going to do it very swiftly

because Sister Jane brought in the subject of brass sex in, I can never remember the name of that show. True Detective. Is that right? Sky Atlantic, Jodie Foster. Yes, Jodie Foster. Yeah, and Jodie Foster's character is having sex with a partner and keeps her bra on. And Jane just wanted to know whether that was a usual thing. And hang on a second. Yes,

just listening to you from the middle of nowhere in France, right in the centre, says our correspondent, a region called La Creuse. Never heard about it. How are you spelling? La Creuse. La Creuse, as in crusade, the pots and pans? Oh, I see. La Creuse.

You were talking about the wonderful and amazing Jodie Foster and a sex scene with a bra on. Well, the reality of sex is not so appealing visually, so this is a film, not real, and in this situation I personally appreciate watching something beautiful, and a bra on looks much nicer visually. It's pure aesthetics, I think, and at the end of the day, it's not real, ladies. What? I thought everything I saw on the screen was real. This correspondent from the region I'd never heard of in France is shocking me to the core. I love you, she carries on, so I'm warming to her again.

And I'm grateful to my young daughters, Melania, I hope that's right, and Ophelia, who introduced me to your other podcast during the first confinement. Oh, gosh, many moons ago. Yeah. I don't want to go over old ground, and I'm so sorry I haven't listened to your podcast

with the other Jane. A little bit unfair. Yeah? No, don't. But presumably it's so that you can show sex scenes, isn't it, without having to ask the actress to be more naked than she wants to be. There are bras on everywhere. That is possible.

And, of course, you never see a man's particles, do you? No, you don't. Because those particles are involved involved aren't they? You never used to see them at all and now I think things have got a little bit more balanced in that respect and you occasionally at about 20 to 10 on the ITV or Channel 5 see a tantalising

glimpse of a male buttock as he disappears down the hallway after a whoops scene. Anyway Annabelle says, Jane and Fee I very much agree about the unlikelihood of anybody being allowed to keep their bra on during sex. Allowed? I mean, you're allowed to do what you like, Annabelle, as portrayed by

Jodie Foster in True Detective. The first thing a red-blooded male does is whip it off. Well, if they can. It's not whipping, it's actually, when you can't really whip the one thing. And we all remember our early bumbling, fumbling days where it was, you know, quite a thing.

Can I raise another TV underwear quibble, says Annabelle. Emma's pants in the first episode of One Day. She was wearing full to the waist pants, something no student would have been wearing in the 80s. Well, I was a student in the 80s, Annabelle, and I wore huge pants, absolutely colossal. You could have fitted a shipyard inside my underwear back in the day. Proper apple catchers.

Nothing's changed. And absolutely nothing has changed. No, that's true. But the final word I'm going to give to Anonymous. Are you ready for this? And Jane Mulkerins will appreciate this. Hi. Please don't give my name, but please tell Jane M,

who I'm listening to, talking about bra sex, that sometimes my husband asks me to leave my bra on as he finds it sexy, and I do as well. I also think it's more comfortable, so I think there would be a lot of people keeping the bras on. Well, so if you've made an investment, and I know you haven't bought any new underwear for 30 years, but for those of us who've made an investment... But when I did buy that bra, it was very expensive. I think, you know, you just need to really, really, really get the hours out of it. So I'm keeping mine on forever.

I haven't taken mine off since 1988. No. Now, look, we've got two, I think, really, really remarkable emails which are going to start some threads on the podcast. One is about romance scams uh something that we're very keen to talk about on the times radio show as well and then we do have an email from someone who is in distress at the moment and really wants the lovely wisdom and experiences of you dear listener in order to help her solve quite a quandary in life.

But before we get on to those... Oh, no, let's just do those. Let's do those and then do a funny one after. Shall we? I think we should get this out there. Let's just do the funny one now, then we'll do the serious stuff, then we'll go back to the golden arches.

We're having a row, kids, we're having a row. A domestic. Some time ago, says Caroline, who says, you can read my name out, couldn't care less, I went for my regular smear during which the nurse made an appreciative noise and said in the tone of voice you might use to compliment a particularly delicious looking tray of cakes, loads of lovely mucus. It was hard to know what to say after that. I'm pretty sure I said nothing at all and I still feel a vague sense of consternation when I think about it all these years later.

Well, congratulations, Caroline. Right. Now, let's move on. First, can we do the scam first? OK, do you want to do the scam? No, you've got it ready. No, you've got it. I haven't got it.

It's not the top of my pile. OK, so we're going to keep this one anonymous and you will see why um i was wondering if you or any of your wonderful listeners have any experience in dealing with online romance fraud as my sister and i have been extremely concerned that our mum has been drawn into that world she lives alone has few hobbies and friends and for the past 18 months she's become addicted to her phone and anything linked to a particular musician I'm not going to give out the name. She's locked her paperwork away and we've seen several things at her house that raise concerns such as foreign money envelopes and some of her changes in behaviour and lying about where she's going

have been very alarming. She's also sent me several texts by mistake, clearly meant for somebody else, and I've called her out on this each time and she's tried to over-explain her way out of each example. She is of sound mind and in all ways a very sensible, mature woman. My sister tried to approach her gently about it last year following a discovery of a standard police letter in her home warning her against similar scams, but she got very defensive and it ended pretty badly between them. She's denied anything strange was going on and my sister assured her we were simply concerned for her safety and well-being. After a few weeks, I also spoke to her gently and she ended up seriously bad-mouthing my sister for interfering and telling me that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. We both made

it very clear that if she has met somebody, we'd be genuinely very happy for her, although we aren't certain that this is the case. We have talked to one of her close friends who agrees that she's been acting differently, but mum hasn't told her anything either. And you do go on to tell us that actually your family's having a really hard time at the moment and some other things have happened. tell us that actually your family's having a really hard time at the moment and some other things have happened. So it's not possible for everybody to get involved. And I'm really sorry about that too. And she ends by saying, thank you very much for your time

and I will listen out for any advice given by your worldly listeners. I think it's something that more people are experiencing than would like to admit. But it's so telling Jane isn't it that actually whatever it is that's happening your mum knows that it's something she can't be very open about and of course that's gonna ring alarm bells and of course you're going to think that whoever is on the receiving end of this kind of mysterious relationship doesn't have best interests at heart but why

why does it seem to be the case that people do feel so secretive and possibly ashamed of these involvements is it because they do know that there might be something wrong and i think that and they just can't admit it to themselves or i think people are so clever, they're actually kind of coercively controlling their new love interests. And so they're not being honest about it. It's very difficult. What else could you do or say? I can't remember. Does she say that she has power of attorney in that email?

Yes, you do have. Yes, she does has power of attorney in that email? Yes, you do have, yes. She does have power of attorney, but I'm not sure that power of attorney really, does it work in these instances? Isn't that just you giving permission to people when they become unable to look after themselves? To manage their own affairs. But would that mean, and I'm speaking from a position of ignorance here,

would that mean that you would have access to their bank account and that you could therefore find out if sums of money are going in going to places where they shouldn't i honestly don't know but uh but other people will have experienced this so they might be able to answer that question it's so sad because it sounds as though her mom her mom's life has perhaps been significantly improved at least initially by this contact with this individual. And that's rather lovely. And she will have enjoyed perhaps the tension she hasn't had for a while

and she'll be rather thrilled by it. And it really is heartbreaking that it may all have been a scam all along. It certainly sounds as though it is. Yeah. But if you've had to tackle something like that in your own family and, you know, you're a bit further down the line and you found the right way to get somebody to open up to you, I think that our listener would really love to hear that story.

And possibly even if you've had a similar thing and it's gone very badly wrong, it's all very valuable advice for how to deal with it in this instance. This isn't a direct comparison, but I had something not completely different to this with an older member of my family who had fallen for a fake website and had got help from somebody for a problem with a technical issue at home, and it turned out to be a scam.

And, I mean, to cut a very long story short, thousands of pounds went missing from the bank after a significant period. So he thought his interaction with this fake individual was over, and then a month later, over three grand disappeared from the bank account. I have to say, it was resolved very quickly, and the bank in question were on it, because we reported it, and it was all dealt with. But you just, you really do have to be very wary with older people.

And by the way, I would include myself in older people. I know there's a whole scam alert thing going around now, isn't there? I had several emails last week from my real bank warning me of new scams that are out there. They are getting more sophisticated. They're getting crueler. And frankly, they're just getting better at it, these people. Very much so. And all of us, we need to be very wary for ourselves, but also for any more vulnerable people in our lives. But I don't want to for a minute say that I wouldn't fall for something like this because I could easily fall for one. Well, I had another one of those post office ones,

the parcel thing the other day, which was so clever using all of the right branding, all of the right kind of numbers and all of that type of stuff. And it was only just at the very last minute. And actually, you know, my thumbs were hovering over the screen ready to, you know, pay for something. And then I thought oh no that of course that's a scam so I just I just sent them a text back saying cock off cock off not

bra off or bra on but cock off cock off and I felt better Jane you felt cleansed um by doing that you're not activating anything are you you can just get to know this is a general question you're just getting them off you're you're getting them away from you yeah so i did think about that too but and i think you're absolutely right if you phone the number that's how they can make an awful lot of money isn't it but i'm very much hoping just in replying to a text but please do if i've been very foolish and in my cockiness i've actually managed actually managed to involve myself in a major scam and fraud. Then do feel free. Jane and Fi at Times.Radio.

That's a completely legitimate email. We are legit. We are dead legit. Because nobody would make our AI this daft. No, they really wouldn't. They could try. There was something on the tip of my tongue to say there. And do you know what?

It's simply gone. Oh, darling, it'll come back But do you want to do the long email that we've also got about a listener's dilemma because I think our listeners can help Yeah, well, I want them to help and I don't want them to be nasty, can I say because...

I don't think our listeners are ever nasty Well, no because this is one of those situations that we can imagine ourselves in from almost every angle of this. Oh, I've remembered what I was going to say. Do you ever look in your spam email inbox? Sometimes, yes, because I just want to make sure that the Nigerian prince is still waiting for me.

I mean, it's not that clever because I get to get so many emails from women who are longing to meet me and offers to extend my member by up to six inches last week lordy why would anyone want to do that so spam is a bit silly i mean it's but it's if you do need cheering up don't never open anything but do occasionally see just the opening sentence is really funny this This, however, is deadly serious. And if he's right, we would like, and we know we can trust you to just offer, I think, a bit of sisterly support. And you certainly don't need to be female to offer that.

I've been in relationships as our correspondent for the last five years with a married man. Now, he's 15 years older than me, and he has grown up twin sons. When we first got together, the boys were doing their A-levels. So we kept our relationship quiet. He and his wife weren't getting along, And he has grown up twin sons. When we first got together, the boys were doing their A-levels. So we kept our relationship quiet.

He and his wife weren't getting along. And he told me that as soon as the time was right, he would leave. I naively believed him. Then there was COVID. Unprecedented times for everyone. So things were tricky. Then he got a job a short flight away. He's moved away, leaving his wife and sons here. Both of them have now finished college and uni and sons here. Both of them have now

finished college and uni and have jobs. One of them has moved out with the family home. My partner still goes home for Christmas and I am still a secret. I visit him as often as I can and on the whole we have a lovely time. However, I can't explain how it feels to have to sit in the bedroom or lounge in silence while he makes calls home to his wife and kids. Or I stand in shop doorways rather than walk around the shops together in case we're seen. Things are getting harder and when I ask him about a future, he just says he doesn't know what he wants and I need to be patient. Last weekend I went to see him and found details of flights

booked to Miami in April for him and his wife. I don't think I'll read any more details out, only because perhaps there are too many identifiers here, possibly. I think so. We'll leave it there. But our correspondent says, What do I do? I'm 40 this year, and I feel as though I've wasted the last of my good years

on a relationship that is doomed. I'm lonely and worn out with the whole situation, but I'm heartbroken at the same time. That's really sad and I you know I you got together with this person five years ago so you're in your mid-30s you didn't know that the pandemic was going to come along either um but you know with my cynical old bat head on I have to say that this is a terrible cliche this is a very old story this one isn't it it really is and i'm but that doesn't mean i'm not sympathetic i am but also again i'm sorry for his wife because this is really crap for her too let's face it

i've written down no matter how hard please leave yes i think there's a really really telling phrase in there that uh he's asked you to be patient. Bloody cheek. Works out what he'd like. And unless you can find a way of being happy with the situation, then I just wouldn't do it anymore. And some women do find a way of being happy with that situation. And it works for them. You never know.

It might work for his wife, too. And it works for them you never know it might work for his wife too and it works for him but I think if you're already feeling that you're getting the short straw and actually just that your feelings aren't being taken as seriously as he's taking his own feelings then I think I'd just I'd just pop him in the juicer and turn it up to five. You deserve better than this. Come and stay with me and Jane for a while and we'll just notch it up to experience. But also, Jane's right. Those are just really, really, really difficult years, I think, for women.

If you want to start your own family, it can feel that the rug is very slowly and surely being pulled from under you. And that's a biggie. He's not facing that. No. And look, at the moment, this woman is putting up with a situation where she goes out with him, but has to stand in shop doorways rather than walk around with him. This isn't living. No, it's not. And you know what, the next time I see a woman standing in a doorway, you know, just kind of staring into the middle distance, I'm just going to have a gentle kind of nudge and say hello. And are you all right?

You shouldn't be having to do that at all. But also, Jane, don't you think that there's something in writing it all down and putting it out into the world, albeit very anonymously, where I think you probably know what people are going to say. And, you know, I just can't really understand why anyone would say, yeah, why don't you wait for him? He just needs to treat you with a bit more respect. There's a lot going for this bloke. I mean, we don't know whether or not he gets on with his wife. He says he doesn't.

We don't know, as V says, we don't know what his wife thinks or whether, in fact, his wife is perfectly happy. Yeah, and she might be. Yes, she could well be. Grateful for grateful for the break frankly for all we know uh and she could be well aware of what he's up to um you've only got his word for it that uh he needs a bit more time and he's had five years and the kids have left home and you know what he's had a pretty good five years i would wager um and he. And he's off to the States in April. So, you know, I've said it before,

you just deserve far, far better than him. And there's somebody out there, but I suppose you have got to face the fact that you will be really sad for a while. There's just no getting around that. But don't you always think, actually, Jane, that it's what comes next that defines a decision? In the moment of making that decision, you can't possibly know what your future is going to be. And it's almost always, I think, when it's affairs of the heart, incredibly difficult to go, yeah, it'll be great.

I mean, we don't seem to have that in our human condition, you know, to believe the best for ourselves during a time of loss. to believe the best for ourselves during a time of loss. But you might meet in three months' time or three weeks' time or the next bloke who gently moves past you in a doorway, the person who will treat you better. So don't miss out on that opportunity. She could meet someone lovely when she's standing in the doorway while he's doing the shopping. No, that's what I mean.

Someone could brush past you, and it could be the start of something just altogether different for you. And again, another cliche, but I think it's probably true. If you do end up with the person that you were having an affair with because he was cheating on his partner, would you ever be 100% confident in his fidelity to you? I think I would always be questioning, well, he's done it before,

so he might well do it again. Well, lepers don't change their spots. Well, I think it's unlikely. But anyway, I hope during the course of those five years, you know, you have had some good times with him. And I don't doubt that you have. But as Fee says, stick him in the juicer. And we don't mean that in a violent way or i don't think just in a purely practical way uh for your sake move on yeah but look uh we said that we weren't going to give advice we've both absolutely smothered you in advice you didn't ask for so we'd love to hear from other listeners and you know you might

your life experience might be completely different and I'm sure that lots of people have met through affairs who've gone on to have amazing fantastic relationships. Yes that is possible. That's a fact. And lots of people have affairs and there are

grey areas wherever you look. Well done, sister. Do you think I've covered everything? Yes, I think you did very well. Some people say we're harder on women than we are on men. Do I need to say that? We're harder on women. What do you mean?

We're harder on women who facilitate affairs than on the men who choose to have them. So in other words, he's the married one. Our correspondent isn't even married. So she is a free agent. She can do what she likes. He's the one who. Our correspondent isn't even married. So she is a free agent. She can do what she likes. He's the one who is married and cheating. But again, I know how judgmental I can be and I feel myself thinking, oh, how could you?

But you never know because he might be writing to Alistair and Rory with exactly that kind of love dilemma. It'll be interesting what they say. Yes, yes it will. Our interview today is with Tim Key. He's an actor and comedian, and he has had a third volume of poetry published. It's called Chapters. And yes, you are going to hear some poetry in the interview, but don't worry.

The poems are not long. They're spectacularly niche. If you're into dry humour, you'll find them very funny. There's no rhyming involved, okay? No roses are red, violets are blue, or anything like that. And Tim Key is a person whose face you absolutely will recognise. He was in the Cambridge Footlights, but he didn't go to Cambridge. If that annoys you, don't worry, he didn't go to Cambridge. He did some stand-up. He was opposite Steve Coogan as Steve Coogan's Alan Partridge's hapless sidekick Simon at North Norfolk Digital.

Then they went on to television together in a slightly implausible move. And then he's been chasing down witches in the BBC Two comedy The Witchfinder with Daisy May Cooper. So the interview begins, I thought I was being terribly clever, asking him to read a poem called I'm Your Nick, one of my favourites from his recent collection. It is about auditioning for the role of former BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Whitchell in The Crown. I'm your Nick. It was audition day for The Crown. I marched in and let them know I was there to play the young Nicholas Whitchell.

The casting director said she wasn't sure he'd be featured in the show. He's the royal correspondent, has been for donkeys, I reminded her. He'd have been on the scene, they couldn't move for him. She leafed through the script and her assistant googled Witchell. They glanced up at me and I could tell they were considering my build. I can lose two stone like that, I clicked my fingers. They were scrutinising him, squinting at his locks now. If he's in the show... He'll be in the show, he'll be in the show, I fog my fingers. They were scrutinising him, squinting at his locks now. If he's in the show...

He'll be in the show, he'll be in the show, I foghorned. We might look for a more ginger-haired artiste. Now we were all gathered around this image of Witchell. I peered at his face. I could play this c***, I just knew I could. Freckle me up, roll me out, I'm your witchel I swear to god now um bit sweary wasn't it well it was a bit scary but we can we complete that and I'm sure and I'm sure we have um but I mean that is such an insight into what the kind of thing that inspires you Tim that one yeah is I'll tell you why that. I was talking to my friend Naomi.

We were about to do a show in Bristol. And it was, I think we just started talking, we just went in that direction of whether I could play Witchell. And I remember saying, freckle me up. Freckle me up, roll me out. So that whole poem came from that line, I think. That's the last line. So then it sort of worked backwards from there.

But I have auditioned for The Crown. so I guess that's in there somewhere. What do you think? You haven't really, have you? Yeah, I have. For what part? What do you reckon? Harry? No.

That was quite generous of me. You can be less generous. Okay, the older Prince Andrew? No, that's less generous still. This is an unsympathetic character. Oh, James Hewitt. Michael Fagan. Oh, Tim.

Okay, right. But, right, Michael Fagan, for younger listeners, was the man who actually, I think, in an episode that we probably didn't give the Queen enough credit for surviving, that bizarre episode in which a man got into a bedroom in the middle of the night. How horrible that must have been. That is mad, thinking about it, isn't it?

Yeah, and it's atrocious that it happened. Yeah. And it's bloody awful that she was expected to put up with it. Or anybody would be expected to put up with it. Well, she didn't have to put up for it. I mean, she didn't stay. No, but the fact that it was possible at all, Tim... I know.

I'm going to make you take something seriously. I'm taking this seriously. I'm not sure what you are. That intruder shouldn't have been allowed in the palace, should he? Thank you, Tim. Now, I'm not sure what you are. That intruder shouldn't have been allowed in the palace, should he? Thank you, Tim. Now, I think we'll hear another one. This is a very moving one called Fully Formed. Colette gave birth to an adult.

She was devastated. She bought cots and stuff. Lionel was in his late 30s. He kept talking about the Bross documentary and going travelling. I think that's more dashed off, that one. Yeah, but quite funny. Yeah, quite funny. Now, you have been...

Well, what came first? Were you a comedian or an actor or a poet to start with? I'd say they all sort of converged around the same time. I mean, obviously actor first in terms of being in plays, all that stuff at school or at university, and then tried to do stand-up that's not very easy i'm sure it isn't that's not nice and after about 10 goes uh i kind of couldn't work out how to do it so i went away what made you think you could do it um i don't

know something inside me thought i'm sure i can do, well, I guess what made me think I could do it is I'd done comedy before, sketch shows and, you know, where there's more safety around you, more people. But I do remember thinking, I want to be able to stand in front of an audience and face them down. It kind of feels like it's the most... It is the purest form of comedy in a way. I mean, it's kind of almost gladiatorial.

Not the purest form of comedy, a way. I mean, it's kind of almost gladiatorial. Not the purest form of comedy, but in terms of being a comedy performer, to stand on your own with all of your ideas, there is something, I guess, both frightening but also kind of attractive to trying to work out how to do that. So when did you first read your poetry to other poetry lovers? Well, I stopped doing that stand-up and then I was writing poems like on public transport

just instead of reading a book, just filling up this tiny notepad with little, about that length of that Colette gave birth one. And then we decided to do a stand-up night in my friend's lounge called Live in Breen's Lounge and Alex Horne was doing it and paul foot mark watson all people who were our kind of generation plus paul foot who was our hero and then they said and you you do it as well obviously and i said there's no way i'm doing

stand-up it's just too frightening in front of friends as well so i said i'll read out these poems and I climbed through the wind the gig was you climb through the window from the garden into the into the lounge and I wore a suit and I opened a can of red stripe and I started reading these poems with Soviet lounge music underneath it and that was it my whole act was fully formed when when i came through that window and after after giving it up after not knowing exactly how i could do it but suddenly with the poems in front of me they did a cut like a kind of armor and safety net so how many poems do you dash off in a week depends sometimes you sort of get into a bit of a rhythm. At the moment, maybe just starting to get back into a rhythm.

So maybe four or five. But at its worst, it can be like 20. At its worst? Oh my God, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, when it really takes a hold. Help is available. I don't know where from. So you are inspired by a bizarre range of subjects. Because Pret looms so large in your... What is the word?

I never can pronounce that. Yeah, oeuvre. That, that. Yeah. There's a lot of Pret. I mean, some of the poems are kind of quite come from my imagination. Like that one about that lady giving birth to an adult. I mean, I've never seen that happen.

But some of them are slightly more say what you see, really, just sort of traipsing around. I write a lot in pubs. You know, I go there for sort of last orders and just write for fun. And so in the book, there's a lot that's set in pubs just because of that, just because you either think of something from nowhere, or you just look around and go, I'll write about those two over there. But yeah, there's things like Pret, which there's a lot of Pret in my... I don't know, maybe I have an obsession. I eat a lot of Pret.

I like Pret. There's a lot of Fat Face in the book as well. Yes, Fat Face is a high street... It is fashion, isn't it, Fat Face? Is it fashion? I mean, that would be horrible if this is their sort of voiceover for their radio advert. Yeah, they're not going to enjoy it, are they?

I always think the name just isn't a winner, but anyway, it's still there. It's there, and it's everywhere. You know, you go to an airport and, you know, the last thing you see when you leave the country is a decent fat face. Your opportunity to buy some cargo shorts. Exactly, and I don't know why it's... I'm not obsessed with fat face but i just think it's a kind of decent touchstone where i think you get a different vibe from something like uni glow

oh you do no that feels like fat face just feels somewhere adjacent to naff but not too bad i mean you could sort of justifiably you wouldn't fall out with someone if they shop there no i mean we're certainly not encouraging anyone to ever pick a fight with someone who's a regular fat-faced customer. Also, the city of Canterbury is another place that you... Well, you've been there a lot, it would seem, or you spent time there and that time inspired you. Yeah.

But it's quite a funny place, isn't it? Because it should be... I hesitate to say this. It should be nicer than it is. Yeah, I'd agree with that. I mean, it does have, like... there's a cathedral there, did you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah, and a nice river.

But, I mean, I went there on my tour last year and had a very enjoyable time in my gig and then went back into the city centre and I have to say there was, like there's quite a lot of violence I saw and a kind of a police van and people getting arrested and um I think you're right I feel like if that happens in I don't know which city I wouldn't give just name a huge city yeah exactly then you'd go oh that happens in the city yeah you kind of feel like Canterbury should be sort of cordoned off as somewhere like um kind of um clovelly or

something like a a gorgeous little little town where nothing bad happens and it isn't quite that it's not quite that it's good it's textured isn't it well not that i don't like it no i mean some terrible things have happened in canterbury um over the years wow not least in the cathedral of course wow hang on what happened in the cathedral, of course. Wow. Hang on, what happened in the cathedral? There was a murder in there, wasn't there? One of the really nice things about you is that I was reading about you, I looked on Wikipedia, I'll be honest, and it said you were a member of the Cambridge Footlights

and I just thought, oh God, I knew it. It's that kind of person. Yeah, not another. But, brilliantly, you didn't go to Cambridge. No. So I've forgiven you for the whole thing. So how did you get in to Cambridge Footlights? The Footlights.

So I studied in Sheffield you for the whole thing so how did you get in to Cambridge Footlights the Footlights so I've I studied in Sheffield and um I graduated and came back to Cambridge and fortunately just had like a I didn't have a firm plan of what I'd do next and I also I think crucially didn't do a play in my final year at university I just thought I'd focus on my getting my degree and it meant I just had a sort of itch I wanted to scratch so I thought I need to do that quickly so my parents don't you know get annoyed quickly do that and then start you know earning money and have a career and so I picked up a student newspaper because I thought I didn't want to do amateur dramatics because I'm young and I'm vibrant. Yes.

And I found an advert for the Cambridge Footlights. And yeah, I just was lucky. I was lucky I lived in Cambridge. So you can join if you're not... You can't really. Oh, okay. So then I went to the audition and you had to write down, I'm in a waiting room in some kind of, you know,

beautiful, ornate room. And you had to write down, I'm in a waiting room in some kind of, you know, beautiful, ornate room. And you had to write down your email. And I wrote down my email and it didn't look like the other ones. There was a lot of emails. They all said.cantab.ac or something. Yeah, how irritating. Yeah. And then someone, when I went through, they looked at that and they said,

Hmm, you've got a hotmail. And I said, yeah, I haven't. My email, my college email hasn't come through. So you lied. I lied. That was one of very few lies because I think if you're lying, if you're trying to go covert, you just don't volunteer information. You don't sort of march in there saying, well, I study at this place

and my degree is this. And I happen to know the names of the lecturers. You just kind of exist in the same way as everyone else is. No one asks questions. At one point someone asked, because I let on, well, someone asked what my degree was. You have to have that backed up. I said I was doing a postgraduate degree in Russian literature, Nikolai Gogol.

And you'd done your first degree in Russian, hadn't you? I had a little bit of, yeah, I had some stuff backed up. And this guy was about to do a play called The Government Inspector by Gogol. I'd never read it. And he said, yeah, I wanted to talk to you about this. I'm in a bar with him and he's one of the people I'm kind of becoming friends with

because he's in the same thing. And I say yeah um to be completely honest I focus more on his short stories and he's like oh look a bit quizzical because he's thinking if it's a PhD you've got to be fairly across everything and then I do remember sort of going anyway look I'm gonna go grab a drink and I'll come back no I never went back did you make friends there though yeah friends that I'm still friends with, a lot of them. Yeah, because once you're in, we got into a sketch group and there was Mark Watson, who's still very good friends with Mark,

Alex Horne I met there, and Philip Breen directed it, and Owen. And, yeah, we're all still very good friends. Yeah, there was a bit where once they'd cast me the director phoned me the next day and said we know yeah okay I was leading a double life so at this point I'm with my friend uh we're all together at my friend's house watching the football you know the um sky on a Sunday afternoon type i'm living that life and then simultaneously i'm a you know young thrusting um cambridge student you know doing sketches he said we know and then he invited me to come to the pub before we had this dinner with all the people who'd been cast in the thing and uh just said i think we um we keep this under our hat well you've done can i just say

you've done terribly well, Tim. Just sneak in under the wire. Oh, I think so, because I do have all of the... I mean, the privilege is... It is very funny going there and being in Sheffield. I loved Sheffield. But there is a sort of mad thing where in the drama society there, it's just normal people who just sort of see it as

we're putting on a play, and that's quite good fun. And we're doing our degree, we're putting on a play. And it is quite mad when you go to the Cambridge environment where you sort of look around and think this is more than a play for you know these people are kind of you sort of look around the room thinking I think that person will be famous I think that person will be famous it is a bit odd and it's not necessarily somewhere on the line between entitlement and just they have a huge opportunity yeah I'm trying to work out whether you're angry about this It is a bit odd, and it's not necessarily... It's somewhere on the line between entitlement and just... They have a huge opportunity. Yeah.

I'm trying to work out whether you're angry about this or you just sort of accept it. I'm just observing. You're just observing. I'm not angry about it. You might write a poem about it. Yeah, maybe, yeah. I kind of feel like I got...

I'm not angry with it, but, I mean, I'm quite a rare example of someone who didn't have that, who wasn't there, actually there, but is able to sort of suddenly be there and just sort of look around and see what's what. Yeah, OK. Well, we'll just leave the Cambridge Footlights where we found them. Yeah.

And your film, has this actually happened, the film you're doing with Carey Mulligan? Yeah, it's getting close. We filmed it. You filmed it. OK, what is it about? It's about a millionaire who lives on an island and he gets his favourite musician to come to his island to play for him. Because he can? Because he can, yeah.

Yeah, it's like there's a... Yeah, I think giving more than that away it sort of unravels in the film Who are you, the musician? I'm the millionaire I'm the eccentric millionaire who just wants to have the best gig of his life and gets who he wants there to the island

under slight false pretenses and then Tom Basden who I've worked with for years is the musician and uh kerry mulligan is um it is the other musician who's in his band they used to play together a lot you can sort of see the sort of building blocks there what can go wrong yes what could go wrong okay so it's been filmed and um i never understand this but it often takes ages for films to come out so when might it come out um i would guess i would guess sometime this year uh yeah i absolutely right we have like a big spreadsheet that says what happens each week and

i don't understand half of the words what's this called um what the film that is very it's we're at a very interesting point we're having a lot of discussions at the moment because our title is gone because it's the same as a title of something else that's being made. So we're having, yeah, I could give you about 10 titles, but it might be a bit boring for you. But we're currently discussing titles and we'll finalise our title at the weekend.

Okay. I mean, Kerry Mulligan, she's big, big news, isn't she? I mean, she's in Maestro. Yeah, she's Oscar nominated. Yes, that's what I mean. We got very lucky. Well, you got lucky, and so did she, of course. Did she inspire any poetry?

Carrie? No. Well, let's talk about people you've worked with very briefly who are really horrible. Can you drop any names? Coogan. No. Well, I mean, we'll definitely keep that in.

No, that's the annoying thing. In fact, I'd say when I sort of, when someone recognises me in a pub or something, that is the main question they ask, is what's Steve Coogan like? And yeah, it's... Just in case anybody doesn't know, you're his producer, Alan Partridge's producer. Yeah, I'm Sidekick Simon.

Are you not actually formally a producer? No, I think I'm formally nothing. I mean mean i'm a guy he found in the pub and he sort of brings me along for the ride um and you went with him to television as well that is very difficult to explain in terms of the plot of the tv show there were some holes in that and that was one of them i kept thinking why is tim key yeah yeah you were usually doing some explaining. I'm doing, yeah, in that show I've got like a big sort of, I don't know what that's called even, which my character should know what it's called, but like a digiboard.

Like an explaining board. Yeah, an explaining board, yeah. And, yeah, so I was very lucky to kind of get that job. And then, yeah, it is, it's going to annoy you as well. We're going to have to look somewhere else because he's very nice, very nice to me. He comes and watches my shows and things and is very encouraging and, yeah, kind of brilliant to sort of act against.

Well, what's the word? Intimidating, but brilliant, yeah. OK. You must know people who are intimidating but not very good. Yeah, probably, yeah. Do you? Goats. Tim Key talking there about some of the favourite people

that he's met along Showbiz Highway. And please note that he does say that Steve Coogan's really nice but quite intimidating. I then asked him if he knew people who were intimidating but not much cop and he was very diplomatic and didn't really give me any names at all. That's a shame for you. I'll add them to your encyclopedia. Like most of my interviews, it didn't really give me any names at all. That's a shame for you. Add them to your encyclopedia. Like most of my interviews, it didn't really generate any real insight.

But anyway, that's Tim Key, and Chapters is out now. I still, I'll be honest with you, I still don't know whether the whole thing is just one big joke. Yeah, sometimes, Jane, I just don't really know what poetry is. So, no, I don't. Sounds like Radio 4. I just don't know what poetry is. So, no, I don't. Sounds like Radio 4. I just don't know what poetry is. No, but I don't know.

I couldn't tell, genuinely, the difference between, you know, that being a little kind of descriptive passage and it being poetry. I think you just have to have an unbelievable confidence in yourself to call some of the words that you've put together on a page poetry. i don't have that confidence i think perhaps later in the week i shall bring in some of my could you yes on my poetry okay i wonder if i could dig some out you must have some tea well i do yeah and i do have some poetry actually and i used to during the pandemics i took an awful lot of dog walks on my own with nance uh the greyhound as you have to do and just to keep my mind busy I used to make up rhymes when I was wandering around the marshes well so I'll bring one of those in here we are in Covid times

no around nice to make up little rhymes just sometimes about some of the daftness of the local area so I'll bring in my one about digital art. I've got a thing about digital art. That's something to look forward to. It's not art. Karen, I just say that we've done an interview, haven't we, with Helene Tersten. That's not how we pronounce her name.

She pronounces it obviously. Well, she had so many syllables in the name when she pronounced it. We couldn't see. I had a nap halfway through the first name. It was extraordinary. I had no nap halfway through the first name. It was extraordinary. I had no idea you could pronounce it that way. She is Danish. Swedish. She's Swedish.

I knew that. That's right. So Helene Tersten is the author of An Elderly Lady is Up to No Good, a book that has really divided Book Club. We've done the interview with Helene today and we will discuss the book and the Book Club episode will be out next Friday. Thank you for all

of your comments. It's a real Marmite one, isn't it? And I found it really disappointing. Oh, okay. Popped off the fence. I listened to it and I didn't dislike it in audio form, which is weird. I didn't dislike

it, I just wanted it to be more yeah okay um can we both just say something we both loved because we both at the weekend happened to go and see american fiction and best film i've seen since all of us strangers but um american fiction is just funny and clever and i'd please if you haven't seen it make sure you do see it great film so so clever Right until the very end. And it's got about four different layers to it, that one, hasn't it? Yes. I'm talking, it is a little meta at times, but I laughed.

And I found that parts of it were moving as well. I mean, it was just a really, really, it just absolutely bounced off the screen. So if you haven't seen it and you think, oh, I wouldn't like that, it sounds a bit dead, it's actually properly funny and really entertaining, but also really sharp. Yeah, and if you've ever even glanced at the Wokorati or felt that perhaps you dipped a little bit of a toe into it yourself, then you will blush and you'll be right to be embarrassed by yourself.

So it's lovely to be back, Jane. I hope you had a lovely time with Jane Moore Cairns. So it's lovely to be back, Jane. I hope you had a lovely time with Jane Moore-Kerrins. And I'm sorry, it's no kind of offence to you that I can't listen to the podcast when you do it, but you see, that's a little bit, I think, like discovering your partner having an affair. I think you're straining there.

I... Well, did you listen to me and Annika Rice? I think you're straining there. Well, did you listen to me and Annika Rice? No, of course not. Right, can we just do the weeing? Oh, and Claire Balding too. Certainly not to her. Weeing by the road.

Claire's lovely. She's lovely. Louise says she's travelled, and this is very specific so road fans by the way we've had such a busy day we interviewed Richard Hammond at about 8.30 this morning I'm a spent force but that reminds me of roads and that's referenced by Louise in this email

we travelled from junction 18 to junction 6 on the M25 on Tuesday to meet family for a pub lunch that was very nice during this journey with my two teenage boys husband and dog we were treated to two men having a pub lunch that was very nice. During this journey with my two teenage boys, husband and dog, we were treated to two men having a wee on the motorway. Number one was on the hard shoulder at about 10am.

Not lovely, but at least he was making an attempt to be discreet, or as much as he could be with hundreds of cars flying past. On the way back, we got stuck in the normal Heathrow traffic and crawled along beside massive lorries and a weirdly lovely Rolls-Royce Phantom hearse and other funeral cars. Then a silver van stopped in the fast lane, albeit it was slow at that point, and a man got out and weed like you've never seen. It was gross. It was literally disgusting and of course dangerous. Lots of beeps from other vehicles, hopefully meant others were as disturbed as we were,

but maybe they were cheering him on. We're a chilled family, but this really jangled me. It was like one half of the McDonald's Golden Arch. Why do men think this is OK? Louise. It's not OK. No, it's really not. I mean, do men really struggle with continence in a way that women don't? Well, I would imagine so.

I would imagine it's just as painful if you've got a bursting bladder when you're a bloke as when you're a lady. We just hang on. But we just can't do it. We wouldn't choose to do it, and we can't do it in such an ostentatious way. I mean, have you ever... Who amongst the female fraternity

has ever had an ostentatious wee? Well, it's probably another niche podcast that deals with matters like that and we won't be going there. But do join us tomorrow, Jane and Fee at times.radio. And yes, your advice, please, to our correspondent

who wants to know about how her sister and herself can help her mum with a potential scam situation. And indeed to the young woman, she is young, she's not 40 yet, who is trapped in that situation with a married man.

It's just not good. Have a lovely evening, everybody. You did it. Elite listener status for you for getting through another half hour or so of our whimsical ramblings. Otherwise known as the hugely successful podcast Off Air with Jane Garvey and Fee Glover. We missed the modesty class.

Our Times Radio producer is Rosie Cutler, the podcast executive producer. It's a man. It's Henry Tribe. Yeah, he's an executive. Now, if you want even more, and let's face it, who wouldn't, then stick Times Radio on at three o'clock, Monday until Thursday, every week. And you can hear our take on the big news stories of the day,

as well as a genuinely interesting mix of brilliant and entertaining guests on all sorts of subjects. Thank you for bearing with us, and we hope you can join us again on Off Air very soon.