Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Down she goes! Just leap over her!

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

Many names for Jane M emerge in this episode - how many can you count? Fi and Jane also discuss roller discos, parish notices and foreign accents. There's no guest this evening as over on the live show we were still digesting news that Britain is heading to the polls this July. We'll be back after the bank holiday with Fi and Jane M! You can book your tickets to see Jane and Fi live at the new Crossed Wires festival here: https://www.sheffieldtheatres.co.uk/book/instance/663601 If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiAssistant Producer: Eve SalusburyTimes Radio Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I can take any kind of weather and, you know, there's almost something of the pole dark going on here. Take your shirt off. No, don't do that. Right. Thank you very much to Eve for parish notices, which have been handed to me. Thank you very much to Eve for parish notices, which have been handed to me. You're a girl who's familiar with sitting in chilly pews. I am, yeah. I spent probably a solid, I would say, 14 years solidly of my life sitting in pews.

I mean, cumulatively, not just like up to 14, like total time probably spent in pews. So, and you went to a Catholic church. I did. Yeah, okay. So I went to a C of E church on a very, very regular basis in my childhood. Parish notices were like the star-spangled adverts in the middle of quite a well-worn, dull documentary. When you're tiny, and you know the Nicene Creed,

back to front, all that kind of stuff, but it doesn't matter how many times you say it, you're still not quite sure what it means. And parish notices were just fantastic. Did you have them too, at Mass? Yeah, we did. Yeah, they were at the end.

Oh, okay. Yeah, before the processional hymn. Right. Ours were just after the sermon. Oh, that's a strange place. I know, but they were fantastic because suddenly this burst of, I mean, to a young ear, almost like village gossip came in. 100% Cape Bay's village gossip.

It was, wasn't it? Just like, oh, gosh, the real world's flooded in. But absolutely no hate on people who believe and all of that kind of stuff. But, yeah, I've got funny memories, dual memories of a lot of church going as a kid. So yeah, what about you? Do you ever go now? I go sometimes to keep my mum company if she wants to go. You know, Christmas, Easter sort of thing.

Increasingly funerals, sadly. I really, really, really love singing in church. So I do miss that about not being a regular attendee. Yeah. I suppose I could get an organ and a hymn book and just do them at home. Do you just belt it out? I'm quite a good singer. I used to be in several choirs.

Yeah, I enjoy it. I just don't get to do it very often. If there was just a sort of, you know, fun amateur choir that just did some good old hymns, I'd probably drop into that on a Tuesday night. But there are loads of those, Jenny. There are loads and loads of those. Apparently so. Yeah, I'm sure you could find them.

I lack commitment. You may have noticed this about me. You don't lack commitment. I'm going to dispute that, but I think you are a very, very busy woman. So that's the thing that might impede your chances. But no, you should join a choir. People just in adult life are having a blast.

They are. It's true. Several of my friends in Brighton have joined choirs. So yeah, maybe. So look, the parish notices are going to come your way and I hope that you don't regard them as the same shaft of joyful sunlight in an otherwise rather dull parade. Try kneeling down as you listen.

It might make a difference. So, no, you've got to kneel down for the rest of the podcast, then you can stand up. So I'm going to do them at the end because they are all about book club and they are the awarding of this week's totes. Yeah, you don't want to give that away immediately. Can we talk about Rishi Sunak's speech

outside Downing Street yesterday, which I just can't get enough of. I did post it to Instagram with the line from Four Weddings and a Funeral, is it raining? I hadn't noticed. I just, I mean, the optics on that were so diabolical. I mean, it couldn't have been worse. The soggiest start to an election campaign,

drowned out by the sound of things can only get better by D Ream. I mean, it's just, it's pathetic fallacy on the most enormous, tremendous scale. And his little back walking away just drenched into the Downing Street. I mean, I just don't think he can recover from it. I just, it's everything. Well, I was trying to think about that this morning because so many people are talking about it and obviously it's the only image on the front page

of our newspapers in the UK. And I mean, it is a terrible, terrible, terrible portent, isn't it? But does it stay in people's minds doesn't it entirely depend on what comes next well of course it does of course it does but i think as a defining image of the end of this government perhaps the beginning of another one but the end of this government i think it's a it's it's just an amazing image but reese davidson was saying this morning at an event we were at that um you know people have been saying why don't you have an umbrella she said there are actually some things in public life that you can't really do

politicians don't wear coats and she said we all know that rishi sunak is incredibly rich he's richer than the king so the image of someone standing next to him holding an umbrella it's been a terrible image about the staff yeah come in peasants so yeah so i mean it was terrible that he looked soggy and my friends were all texting me saying at what point does the quiff just drop to his forehead yeah um it was a terrible image do you think that his advisors because of course they will have considered it and for whatever daft reason they chose to go outside because there's a big studio down yeah they could have in instead but but do you think somebody genuinely thought he might look kind of uh strong and resilient and I can take any kind of weather

and you know there's almost something of the poldark going on here take his shirt off no don't do that um it was it was sodden enough to take off well he was saying himself on the radio this morning oh you know I'm a big believer in traditions and, you know, the tradition is you go out there and you stand at the lectern. And then he did say the worst gag of his whole excruciating ten minutes on the radio this morning, which was, I'm not a fair-weather politician.

I mean, whoever wrote that line should... It was so bad. But I do think, you know, it's normal for them to go and do this at the lectern. But you just think, he was I do think, you know, it's normal for them to go and do this at the lectern. But you just think, he was trying to say, you know, I've got a plan, Keir Starmer hasn't got a plan. Well, it doesn't look like he had much of a plan when he was standing there in the pouring rain.

It just didn't really work, did it? It really, really, really didn't work. But they would have run through how it would have looked if they'd stayed inside and perhaps they, and I mean the spads and stuff, thought that he would look as if he was too pathetic to go outside in the rain. And maybe that's the conversation that we'd now be having today if they'd done it inside.

Why do the rest of us peasants have to stand outside porting whereas he gets to stay inside? So we are the election station here at Times Towers and if you'd like to follow the election with us, and obviously you'll get all of the intrinsic detail as the political campaigns move forward, but also it will be fun. I think everybody here at Times Radio really believes in politics, really believes in covering it well. So if you like your politics, then this is the only place to be. And every single nugget you will hear live.

We never go to a recorded programme. There's no excruciating drama that comes on at whatever time it is, two o'clock in the afternoon, so everybody can take a kip. We are here for you 24 hours a day. So get on board, basically. Do other stations have dramas on in the afternoon, Fee?

I believe they do. I believe they do. And sometimes after the drama, there'll be a fascinating documentary called The History of the Thimble. And I've made those, so I can say it. We've done worldwide crackers that we have known. Yes.

So it was just a very, I can't think of another enormous political announcement that's been made from that lectern in the pouring way, which for the UK is extraordinary, because it rains so much. But every other politician has managed to either accept their position or resign, or announce Brexit and then resign, or announce that they're Prime Minister and then resign 49 days later. I can't remember it raining at all. No, I can't remember it raining. No. Isn't that weird? What are the gods trying to tell us? In ancient Greece, I mean, the forum would just be pat

with people saying, what is this telling us? Well, speaking of predictions, I would just like to part my own trumpet a little bit in that on Times Radio about five or six weeks ago, I predicted a June election and I'm only four days out, which I think is, you know, within the, what do you call it? Within the, it's not standard deviation. What's the term? Within the... I don't know, normal parameter? No. Acceptable?

Margin of error. Margin of error. That's what I was reaching for, margin of error. So what do you think? I think maybe I'm just, you know, Mystic Meg. I said June and it's July the 4th, I'm not far off. Okay. Do you know what, I cannot work with another Mystic Meg.

Because Garvey predicts everything and with just the most delicious certainty, the most delicious, like divine, he's laughing. You know, there's been divine intervention before she tells us mere mortals what's going to happen. And it's always wrong. Someone speaks through her, but not the right person. Oh no, but it's so beautifully done

because, you know, there's a lot of me that goes, goes yeah that is going to happen because she's just got the most fantastic delivery but it never does well in the spirit of jane garvey i also want to tell you about my dream last night oh good god because steady yourself against something firm everybody jane more caring is telling us about her dreams actually it's actually not rude but uh because i was obviously glued to what was happening down the street yesterday, and this whole building was thrumming with adrenaline and excitement, and I just couldn't get rid of that last night. I couldn't sleep at all.

I was still listening to everything and reading everything, and I had a terrible night's sleep. But in the moments I did manage to sleep, I had a dream that I was on a yacht with Rishi Sunak and his wife, Akshata Murthy, and Harry Styles. Whoa. Yeah, and I got terrible sunburn on this yacht. So I feel like if I can predict an election to within four days,

maybe it's a vision of the future that I'm just going to, you know, sail around the Med later this summer. What do you think the sunburn means? That I didn't put enough Act 50 on? Well, now I know that. Yeah. That I'm careless. In the dream, that's a strange kind of...

Yeah, it's a careless sort of recklessness or something, isn't it? That ends up in a bit of harm. Yeah. How did Harry do? Was he happy to be there? Yeah, he was great company on the yacht. Yeah. Glad to hear it.

Right. Lara, I'm going to really, really, really take everybody back down to earth here. Lara from the Derbyshire Dales was the person who was picking up her dog's warm poo at the precise moment we mentioned somebody picking up their dog's warm poo. So congratulations for doing that, Lara. And I'm glad that we made you smile. Big thighs. This comes in from Irena or Irina. I apologise if neither of those two things are right.

Regarding big thighs, which you talked about today, OMG, mine have always caused a stir. From a comment on a failed ballet exam, I can't remember exactly what was said, but the gist was too big, too much muscle, like a bodybuilder. Do you know what? I think ballet is going to be a whole separate episode further down the line. So mortifying. And to my ex-mother-in-law, who would always say what big legs I had.

Big is a euphemism for fat in France, where I live, and where it seems acceptable for people to comment on your body parts. Expression of annoyance in French. When my daughter was born born i remember her hurtful comment oh dear she has your legs oh bloody cheek i agree be warned for if you want to come and live in france this is acceptable behavior in the older generation at 59 i don't really care anymore and actually quite like my legs now although i've spent the best part of my life feeling very leg conscious well my sympathies to you, and I might have to reconsider plans to retire to France

on the basis of that. Maybe you could just choose a retirement country based on their approach to legs. Yes, I think definitely it's more likely to be one of the Northern European countries. Yeah, Germany, Scandinavia. Where you can cover up all the time. Yeah, but also they like a chunky calf and a walking sock.

Yes, and also the hot cold thing I like that very much oh yeah hot cold yeah whereas we just do kind of medium slightly unpleasant damp don't we

tepid I wanted to read this from Pauline in Melbourne dear Jane and Fee I had a friend sadly now dead who was colour blind his wife used to dread

the occasions when he went rogue, aka clothes shopping without her, and would come home with, say, a luridly coloured sports jacket, mysteriously, not to those with unimpaired sight, on sale. But the fascinating thing about Derek was that he worked in British intelligence in World War II, scanning aerial photographs.

His superpower, says Pauline, was that since he could not see colour, he was not susceptible to missed objects that were camouflaged. That's brilliant. Isn't that amazing? Yeah. I'd much rather be able to have special spying vision than be able to see blue and red.

Really fantastic addition to a team that would be. That's a top, top secret skill, isn't it? Hannah is contacting us from near Barnard Castle and it's just never not going to be fun, is it? So true. Barnard Castle. Talking about eyesight and elections. Ties it all together. Actually, where is

Cummings at the moment? Is he still blogging away? Yeah. I'm afraid I stopped reading that a while back. Yeah, I think it's better to tune out. Okay, and there's no sense that it's better to tune out. Okay. And there's no sense that he might want to tune in. Hard to say. Just emailing in response to Fi's question regarding how people realise they're colourblind

and thought I'd share my brother's story. As children, we were frequently roped into helping my grandfather at a market garden and pick his annual tomato crop. My mum got increasingly cross with my three-year-old brother when despite her telling him to pick the red ones his bucket kept on filling up with the green ones and the unripe orange ones and she felt very guilty for giving him a stern telling off for messing around when a routine eye test at school a year later showed he had red green colour blindness and he hadn't

been naughty at all he just couldn't tell the difference. And Hannah says, incidentally, my maternal uncle is also colour blind. It's a condition passed on the X chromosome from your mother, but only expressed in boys. Oh, I didn't know that. No, neither did I.

And growing up, I remember some fairly chaotic games of snooker between my uncle and brother. Not the best pastime for two people who struggled to distinguish the balls from the green base table. That's brilliant. Love your podcast.

Very much enjoying Jane Mark Two sitting in this week. So you've got so many names, haven't you? Which do you prefer? I'll take all of them, to be honest. Not fussy. I love the idea of two colourblind people arguing the toss while playing snooker. Because nobody's going to be right.

I love that. It just sounds like absolute pandemonium. Brilliant. I wanted to read this out from Lynn, who now lives in Scotland. She says, loving listening to the podcast while recovering from a hip replacement.

I hope it's gone well, Lynn. But chuckling to myself at the other Jane, here we go, more names, and the book editor correspondent reminiscing about ice skating at Silver Blade Skating Rink in Sheffield. i too took up the offer of free sessions says lynn skating during the school holidays i still can't skate but i blame my dodgy left ankle on getting from the changing rooms to the rink the ribbed flooring was lethal i just want to say i can remember that ribbed

flooring like it's just it's it's almost like part of my childhood, the ribbed flooring at Silverblades. It was this horrible black ribbed flooring that you had to sort of wobble over on your ice skates. And if you went down on that, oof, it was grim. I mean, it really was so basic, I can't even tell you. But presumably... It was rough. Because I know exactly the kind of flooring that you mean.

I mean, it's there so that the blades don't get stuck in between, so it's very it's quite shallow, but really, really hard. It's like a hard rubberised material. Oof. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't like that when we started going to

Doncaster Dome skating. That was quite flash, actually. Yeah, that was a one one up from Silver Blades. Did they have proper vinyl? Yeah, they had sort of, and it had a slope in the middle. It was very fancy. Yeah, there was a slope and the rink, you went round. Yeah.

How did they manage to do that? I don't know, modern technology. Doncaster is light years ahead in its skating technology. But why would you do that? Isn't that just... Jeopardy! Jeopardy is really exciting. Just to pile up. Yeah. Did you ever go to the... you might be a bit

too young for the roller disco. I didn't go to any roller discos, but there were ice skating discos at Silver Blades on a Saturday afternoon. The roller disco was just... Have you ever been to... You have. Are they a thing in the very young person?

I bet they're ironic, aren't they? Are they ironic? Don't you hate that? Everything that you loved about your own childhood is just ironic now. Do you have funny wigs? Do you? You do, don't you?

Some of those funny clothes that people used to wear in the early 90s. Oh, and they'll be playing our funny tunes as well, won't you? some of those funny clothes that people used to wear in the early 90s they'll be playing our funny tunes as well won't they? that's brilliant oh I hated the roller disco

because I was so rubbish at it and so I was very good going round the right hand side but I was never very good if I had to go the other way round the other way just absolutely terrible

so there was a moment in a song where everybody would turn she's like please don't bang exactly down she goes she's only small leap over her There was a moment in a song where everybody would turn. She's like, please don't. Bang.

Exactly. Down she goes. She's only small. You leap over her. Continuing the conversation from waxing to having a perm, I wanted to show an old family friend's prenuptial preparations. This is unbelievable. It's from Penny.

On her mother's instruction, she had all her teeth taken out. I know. And dentures fitted for the wedding photograph. She was only 21 and then had dentures for the rest of her life. Well, I tell you what, Penny, I've got a spare tube of fixer dentures. My grandmother also had all of her teeth taken out at 21. Yes, my grandmother had all of her teeth taken out at 21 and dentures put in. Because they thought it was better because dentistry was just not that available. I mean, my grandmother was, how old was she?

I mean, she died at 80, nearly 90, and I was 23. So she died almost 20 years ago. And yeah, so she must have been born in 1910. Is that right? Maybe? Yeah, 1910. And they genuinely thought that it was better to ripple your teeth out and have dentures than have teeth that might rot or fall out because there was just no dentistry. How did she feel about that? Did she talk about it as a horror?

It's funny. Looking back now, there are so many things I wish I'd have known about to talk about. But it was just normal that my granny had dentures and she used to have those sterident tubes which she used to fill with 20p pieces for my brother and I so we were thrilled that she had dentures because we made cash out of it but um yeah I wish I had been able to talk to her about all these things these very common practices maybe it's a class thing as well maybe if you were you know my grandparents were very working class so maybe they didn't have access to dentists maybe maybe other people did. And dentures would have been cheaper to keep. Dentures were cheaper, yeah.

But I think the notion of having them taken out before your wedding as a special kind of treat for everybody, that's harsh. God, how painful must that have been. My grandma had it done at 21 as well, maybe it was just common practice at 21. Wowza. Anyway, like I say, Penny,

if you want the fixer dent, it's absolutely yours. Because it's there on the desk. It's up for grabs. Yeah, and believe me, Penny, if you want the fixident, it's absolutely yours. It's there on the desk. And believe me, the kids have no idea what that's for. They don't even think it's ironic. Stephanie Brackett's the Yorkshire one, writes to say, oh my, how I laughed at the segment on accents today. That's when we

were talking about foreign accent syndrome and also putting on French accents, thinking you're speaking the language. As a Yorkshire Brit living in the USA since 1996, I still can't do an American accent, she says. I'll only put it on ordering food at a drive-in and I've had to say water, then water, then aqua to drive to the window and point.

I also had this problem when living in America. If I said water, I would go thirsty for a very long time. But I also couldn't bring myself to say water. So I just do a lot of actions and hope for the best my kids used to ask for ranch dressing she says for their chicken nuggets at drive-thrus and then laugh hysterically at my attempt to say ranch with a quasi-American accent however despite my kids all being raised here

and having American accents my son is called Flynn and had that messed up so often for food orders crin slim fly to name but a few. He now orders under the name John. Sensible. She says, I may have faked a French accent with my English to get a student rate at a UK museum as a teenager.

I just said, I'm not understanding the French twang as I didn't have student ID. She says, love the show. And despite the sitting in Jane and another name, posh accent. I swear she said before about growing up in the North and where was that? Not regular Jane and her non-scouse accent. I don't have a posh accent. Yeah, you do.

No, I don't. Yeah, you do. I say bath and grass and laugh and rucksack. No, I feel like I'm in the presence of royalty. Alright, simmer down. It is quite funny sometimes when Jane says she's a Scouser because her accent has changed and occasionally there'll be people who just almost ask her to speak with a Scouser accent to prove that she is a Scouser.

So everybody's interpretation of posh is posh. It's true. Yeah. So look, here we get to parish notices. Oh, brilliant, yes. So the totes are awarded to... Drumroll. Thank you.

Laura Campbell, Lynn Howell and Becca Morgan and Catherine Morgan. And thank you to everybody who sent emails in. And what we're going to do, we're going to hang on to all of the emails and then every week so if you sent an email in already and you think oh no i i know i'm meant to like laura lynn becca and katherine because we're all part of the sisterhood but i don't like you really because

you've got my tote uh then don't worry because we will keep going through the pile and we will choose them every week uh towards the end of the week I think also in parish notices there's no Monday pod because it is a bank holiday and Jane will still be on her holidays and I will be away on mine I'm taking the train to Marseille It's very glamorous

It's very far away Do you have a steamer trunk to take with you? I do and a young man with a cleaved cap to push it all the way, Jane. And the book club, which I think is book club, book number seven, isn't it, will be announced at the end of

next week as well. So that will be your summer holiday read, we hope. And thank you for all of your suggestions so far. Not too late to lob a suggestion in for that to janeandfayettimes. times dot radio do you want to do a final one i do it's a good one uh this is from andy dear fee and interchangeable jane you've really been rolling out the names today thanks guys um in my role as marriage registrar

and celebrant i find myself being exposed to more than my fair share of naked shoulders arms and backs i must be perfectly honest with you. I've never been a fan of tattoos, says Andy, and at the risk of sounding sexist, which I suppose in this case I probably am, this is particularly so when it comes to the opposite sex. I feel that backs, shoulders and arms plastered in tattoos do very little to complement a beautiful wedding dress

or a bridesmaid's dress. Last year, one particular bride went a stage further. Wearing a slim and elegant dress, incorporating a split from her ankle to her thigh, she and her new wife moved to the side of the ceremony room to allow their witnesses to sign the register. Presumably thinking she was out of sight, she took it upon herself there and then to surprise her new wife by revealing a brand new tattoo to mark the occasion. To my horror, she parted her skirt to reveal not only the said tattoo in the most intimate of places, but also the fact that she was wearing no underwear.

Probably not a shot for the wedding album. Well, Andy, I mean, if you're going to do that in your line of work, you know, love, it conquers all, and it sometimes doesn't need underwear. So thank you for that. Right. I don't really know what to say. Good night.

Good night. Sleep tight. Don't have nightmares. Or, well, actually, no, have nightmares if they've got Harry Styles on a yacht in them. You did it. Elite listener status for you for getting through another half hour or so of our whimsical ramblings. Otherwise known as the hugely successful podcast

Off Air with Jane Garvey and Fee Glover. We missed the modesty class. Our Times Radio producer is Rosie Cutler, otherwise known as the hugely successful podcast Off Air with Jane Garvey and Fee Glover. We missed the modesty class. Our Times Radio producer is Rosie Cutler, the podcast executive producer. It's a man, it's Henry Tribe. Yeah, he was an executive. Now, if you want even more, and let's face it, who wouldn't, then stick Times Radio on at three o'clock Monday until Thursday every week and you can hear our take on the big news stories of the day

as well as a genuinely interesting mix of brilliant and entertaining guests on all sorts of subjects. Thank you for bearing with us and we hope you can join us again on Off Air very soon.