Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Flashing your headlights in a National Trust car park

Episode Date: June 2, 2025

Jane Garvey is back – bring out the bunting! She's got some thoughts on... well, a lot: Hay Festival, the Eurostar, Andy Warhol, various types of lords, boomers, and burrata. If you want to contribute to our playlist, you can do that here: Off Air with Jane & Fi: Official Playlist - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3qIjhtS9sprg864IXC96he?si=9QZ7asvjQv2Zj4yaqP2P1Q If you want to come and see us at Fringe by the Sea, you can buy tickets here: www.fringebythesea.com/fi-jane-and-judy-murray/ And if you fancy sending us a postcard, the address is: Jane and FiTimes Radio, News UK1 London Bridge StreetLondonSE1 9GFIf you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] The next book club pick has been announced! We’ll be reading Leonard and Hungry Paul by Rónán Hession.Follow us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Neither of us will attend IRL or on Zoom. A speed awareness course. Just take the points. No, absolutely not. OK, I'll take the points for you. No, also wrong and not something we endorse. This episode of Off Air is brought to you by Thomas Fudge's Biscuits. We've got a bit of a reputation, haven't we, Jane?

Our desk here at Times Towers is pretty famous for having the most delicious sweet treats in the office. Yep, guilty as charged, but we're not into any old treats. No, sir, only the most elevated biscuit makes the grade. Because we're so classy. May we introduce you to Thomas Fudges, born from the expert British craftsmanship of inventive Dorset bakers in

1916, Thomas Fudgers Florentines are an indulgent blend of Moorish caramel, exquisite almonds and luscious fruits draped in silky smooth Belgian chocolate. You've said a few key words there Fee. Exquisite. Moorish. Exactly the way my colleagues would describe me, I'm sure. Did you say sophisticated? I didn't but I can. Just like the biscuits you're very sophisticated darling. And like you Thomas Fudges believes that indulgence is an art form and it should be done properly or not at all Jane. I concur. Thomas Fudges hats off to remarkable biscuits. This episode comes to you with bunting on it because Jane Garvey is back. Woop woop, I'll have a double flake in that. Summertime is here. Jane Garvey's

returned back from her unique break on the Welsh borders. Are you alright? Come in Jane. Yes, thank you very much. Are you all right? Come in, Jane. Yes, thank you very much. Thank you. I've been paying a visit to a well-known literary festival that occurs in a very mysterious part of the world. I'd said to young Eve last week via a WhatsApp message that post-hey I felt a little as she did post-Glastonbury. She said that couldn't be true. And she's probably right, in all fairness. I don't want to drop Eve in it, but Eve relayed your message to the team. At which point somebody said, that's a message someone who's never been to Glastonbury

since after they've been to Hay. Incidentally, I had a quick gander on behalf of my nippers at the weather forecast for Glastonbury this year. Take a waterproof. Is it? Is it? Hard luck Eve. I knew she'd mock me so that's why I did it. I quite deliberately looked at the weather forecast and they do do a long-range, well obviously it is long-range at this stage because that's like the 27th, 28th I think of June as Glastonbury this year. Yeah it's looking a bit mixed. Oh Eve, I'm so sorry. It's 19 Celsius though one day and just a bit cloudy. But that's not, 19 is not enough to be able to dry your pants, is it? It's really not.

It really isn't. By the way, I don't think there's any need to be covert about where you were because we've talked about it on the podcast. No, no, I've not. Somebody spotted you, we read out an email from... Well, I've got it here, Lesley's. Yep, someone who said that you were nice and we hid the emails from lots of people who said, what a witch, you wouldn't talk to me at all,

I'm mighty. No, I wasn't. Thanks to Lesley who I did meet and thank you very much for saying that I was nice. I was nice. I mean, also I met Gina as well. Gina hasn't bothered to email but it was lovely to have a chat with you Gina Gina, too. I mean, the weather there, it was actually atrocious, if I'm honest. And it can be so lovely. And it's so beautiful there. It really is so beautiful. On the English-Welsh border, for those of you outside the United Kingdom,

it's got everything. I said to several people I met that the Netflix, or one of the streamers, they need to make a lifestyle based, I'm going to say five or six part series about the people who have either always lived or have made their lives in that part of the UK because there are some real characters. I think that would be a very good idea but the streaming service that you mentioned haven't they just decided to commission real wives of the Cotswolds? That's the next destination they're heading towards.

I'm not talking about a real wives series, I'm talking about a programme that explores those people who are living as close to off the grid as you can in this country. I don't think it is possible to truly live off the grid, not really. Oh I think it is up in the highlands. Oh maybe, yeah take your point, perhaps possible. But I mean, I just kept hearing about people who were very, you know, expert on fruit trees, but also played the banjo and didn't have many teeth, and other people who lived in the hills and... Careful.

Yeah, and made knives. And it just, I mean, knives, not because they had psychopathic tendencies, but merely because it was their profession. Do they do the dental work? More than that. It's just so beautiful and obviously not in temperatures. I think at one point it was about 12 Celsius and I didn't take any socks with me which has turned out to be a rogue move. I'll never make that mistake again. And do you know what I've done? I've put a pair of socks in my wheelie suitcase. That's very sensible. Already, just in case I get invited somewhere else that's going to be cold.

Well I think it's just sensible to have one of those undergarment thermalizer things with you at all times, isn't it, when you visit one of those festivals. You make a good point. In this country you simply don never know. You make a good point. You just never know. In this country, you simply don't know. Can I say hello to Hannah, who I bumped into on my dog walk this morning. It was very lovely to meet you. She was off a swim in the Lido. We're going to talk about Lidos actually on the live show this week. And she came along to the Barbican with her.

I think you said it was your husband. And forgive me Hannah if it was somebody else. Somebody else's husband. I'm going to stop now actually. That was very well done up until that point. Sorry about that. I'm just going to stop. Now, we did have an email didn't we warning me about the amount of dog mess in Lille ahead

of my day trip to Lille. But I have to tell you, I'm now here, I'm going to act as a representative of the Lille Tourist Board to encourage people who fancy a day trip to France With a short rail journey. I'm here to tell you go to Lille It was the people and I'm gonna make a generalization, but hey never stopped me before The people in France sometimes they're not all that friendly for you. Have you ever spotted that? Well, I mean France has had terrible problems over the weekend. I know.

Actually, there's just a lot simmering under the surface of France at the moment. I'm glad you mentioned it, because I find it really depressing. I didn't watch the game Paris Saint-Germain. Yeah, but they won and it worked. Exactly. Can somebody in France please tell us from their perspective, particularly if you're in Paris? But I know there was trouble elsewhere in the country as well. What was that about? I mean, I hate the fact that football inevitably seems to... violence seems to follow on the... why? Why do we tolerate this? I don't think it's just the football though in France, because do you remember when we were talking ahead of the Paris Olympics,

there was a lot of conversation about whether or not the teams and the athletes and all of the visitors would be safe and I mean let's not go down the road of everything in France as a tinderbox because it's very unhelpful but it does seem to be that the meniscus is quite easily broken and the scenes just look dreadful Jane, absolutely dreadful. Anyway, Lille was nice. No, our people there could not have been friendlier and I have never before been shopping in France and had a shop assistant. There were young women aged sort of mid-twenties, perhaps younger, who obviously recognised my stumbling attempts at French. And rather than being slightly disparaging or looking a bit disapproving, they just said,

oh, can we practise our English? They were so lovely. What were you trying to buy? A jumper. Ah, that's nice. You may or may not see it. It's a little bit tight, actually. Is it a blue and white stripe one?

Because, no, you've had your eye on anyone who's walked into the office, who's had a blue and white stripe jumper all featured in a piece. You keep on saying you want one of those. Well, it wasn't one of those, actually, in the end. See if you can spot it. I might bring it out at some point this week. No, so I really recommend it. Great people.

Terrible weather there as well. 13 Celsius that day. So that was yes. Have you gone a bit crowded house? Are you taking the weather with you? I am taking, it feels like I am going crowded house. And also, because I can't do a rail trip without there being an incident,

guess what happened on the way back? You were delayed. Well, worse than that. You were, you had to take a ferry replacement. No, the train, the Eurostar. You broke the Eurostar. Well, just if anyone, I wonder if anyone listening was on that train. So it was, what day, it was the Saturday before, not this Saturday, but the Saturday before, the Eurostar between

Lille and St Pancras broke down, tantalising 25 minutes from St Pancras. Oh, you could have walked. Well I think some people were contemplating it. We were all looking on Google Maps and the nearest habitation was a village, which I'm never going to forget now called Thong. Thong in Kent. So come in Thong! If you're there please tell us what is it like. And also I didn't know the Eurostar did break down but without giving you the benefit of the entire anecdote. Sorry no stop stop you you didn't know that a

train could break down why would the Eurostar be immune from breakage? I just assumed it was so sort of high-tech and super-duper souped up being international and all that, that there wouldn't be an issue. Anyway, two hours, ten minutes, we were at a standstill. I mean, I'm here to tell you a lot. I would say the majority of people on that train had been drinking fairly heavily and everything was okay. I just want to bring this little bit of human real life experience to the podcast. Everybody was pretty okay. There had been singing and honestly the Entente

Cordiale was in full flight and there were some Belgians on the train as well. So everyone was getting involved. Lovely atmosphere until we broke down. And then the train manager came over the intercom and just said, well, the train driver is on the track trying to mend the train. Oh. Then it got to the really interesting bit. And she is trying to make sure we get to St Pancras as soon as possible. Right, silence for a little bit. And then within about a minute and a half,

the first middle-aged bloke had got up and had gone to the end of the train, presumably a fully qualified train engineer himself, to see if you could assist the little lady in her endeavors. And it was it was that, it was the fact that we now knew we were in the hands of a female train driver. Why don't you probably be safer? At least she wouldn't be breaking the speed limit. And some of the people on that train, their whole, their attitude to the whole thing just changed like that in a nanosecond. And honestly, sorry, middle-aged Giffers, what is it with you that you think you're going to know how to sort that situation out?

When the woman who clearly is a qualified Euro star train driver was obviously doing her best to mend the train because I don't think she wanted to spend her Saturday night at a standstill somewhere close to the, to Thong. I just don't think she did. The lady qualifications would be exactly the same as the chap qualifications. So on a slightly depressingly similar vein, I had a little bit of an incident over the weekend with my bank because I put through a large payment which flagged up on their fraud system, which is all well and good and absolutely it should. And I needed the payment to go through because it was paying for some work I'd had done. And I phoned the fraud

department myself and ended up having this really, really weird conversation with the guy in the fraud department just asking me what I felt were really personal questions and also for my national insurance number, you know, all of my details all over again and I suddenly thought, oh my god, am I being scammed? Is it one of those interceptor calls where actually I think I phoned the bank but I phoned a number that isn't the bank and I'm now having my account drained while this guy keeps me on the line. And it really did sound like that. So there were loads and loads of questions about how I'd found this builder, whether I'd

met the builder, how had he given me his bank details, how much of his equipment did I have in my garden, could I identify the equipment that I had in my garden? It was kind of like, this is just really, really weird. And my later in life love interest was listening because this was on speakerphone and he actually said, just hang up. Wouldn't it have been better if he'd been on the call? Well, interesting Jane, because I'm, so a couple of things also happened on the call, which both of us just like, oh, this sounds a bit weird. The first thing being the guy saying, now I need to tell you

some of the other experiences that women have had. Ah yes, because women are a bit silly as we know. So my hackles immediately go up, what's that got to do with the price of a perch mate? So I said I don't really need to hear anyone else's experience, I've phoned you to verify this payment so it's all well and good by me and I've checked out the bloke and all of that kind of stuff and I've gone through Trust a Trader.com so it's verified trades person so I hadn't been stupid about it mate. And then came the absolutely crushing, we have also heard experiences from old women at which point she's just like right mate. old women at which point she's just like right mate. So I said I'm just gonna hang up because this just sounds so dodgy I think you're actually scamming me. So I hung up which meant that the

bank had to suspend my bank account. So they then having slightly patronised me as a woman they then suspended the bank account of a woman on a Friday evening at five past five. Which actually... Dangerous, Jane. Really dangerous. Really dangerous. So I was okay because I live in London and actually I had another card, a credit card that I could use, but I was going to pick my child. He's 19, he's not a child.

I'm going to say child for the purposes of this anecdote. I had to go and pick him up from the airport and actually I just wouldn't have been able to meet him. I wouldn't have been able to go anywhere because everything is on your card and on you know the phone connected to the card and I couldn't go to a cash point and take any cash out. I'm not Jane Garvey so I haven't got a bankroll stuffed out in the basement next to the cardboard cut out of Peter Allen. Do you think you're going to take him?

Well I might have to but I honestly thought that's so unreasonable. I mean by all means stop the payment you know if you think that there is something wrong with this and that I'm not capable of deciding how to spend my money. And I understand they're trying to protect me from scams but to suspend a bank account on a Friday night and then say you've got to go to a branch, there aren't any branches. No, try that,, you'd be lucky. And you rang them. Yeah, I rang them. To verify a payment they had queried, which as you say, they should be doing and I get that completely. But if I phoned them to say it's absolutely fine, I can see all the builders work in the garden, I'm happy with what he's done so far.

It's not invisible what he's doing, I can see it. You know, I'm really okay with this. I'm really okay with this. I felt the whole thing was just so wrong, Joan. It's that one size fits all approach from the person you were talking to. Well it is, but I do wonder whether or not, and I have asked for a bit more information about this, I have wondered whether or not there is a profiling, so when you come up as the customer they go automatically to a series of anecdotes that they believe will reflect your circumstances. And I wonder what those anecdotes are, if it had been a 56 year old

man. I wonder about the relevance of telling me that other women have, you know, experienced X, Y and Z. And of course, we've got to be alert to scams and fraud, but also there has to come a point where we are believed as people to be entrusted with our own decisions and don't suspend a parent's bank account, don't suspend anyone's bank account on a Friday, meaning that they've got no access to funds and ask them to go into a branch. I'm lucky I live in London, I could have walked all the way to the branch if I had to. But if you're stuck in the countryside and maybe you have got kids dependent on you, you can't actually go anywhere. I mean that's wrong, that's really dangerous, I don't like that.

I'm surprised they did that. Anyway, we're not going to name the bank, are we? No. But? But. Investigations will continue. I've asked for a transcript of the phone conversation. Oh have you? That's interesting. Yes, which you can do. Can you? Yeah, and I'll keep you posted. And when I went into the branch, I did ask the incredibly helpful branch manager,

who was very, very sympathetic. I did ask her to play me back a bit of the call. And just the little bit that we heard in each other's presence, our eyebrows were both a little bit like yeah okay that that might be off. It's like an additional watchdog. It is very much so. Anyway we must get to the postcards. Darling's out there listening, must get to you. Not all about us. I really like this from Joan who said a wonderful image of some fabulous tree roots. What? I don't understand why Fee's reaction was so over the top. No, it's just quite a gear change.

But that apparently is why people listen to this. Yeah, keep going. Tree roots at Avebury Henge. Niled and twisted tree roots on the eastern bank of Avebury Henge. There has been a suggestion that J. R. R. Tolkien went to this spot when writing Lord of the Rings and was inspired by the spectacular landscape. That's quite possible, isn't it? I'm not a fan of Lord of the Rings or Lord of the Flies. What about you?

Not really my thing, no. No, we're not really keen on Lords of anything are we? Is there a, what do we like with the word Lord in it? Not keen on the Time Lord? No, I think we're Lords cricket ground? Nope, don't like that either. Anyway, Joan says, hello ladies, I've just spent a lovely couple of days in and around Avebury with my family, including my ex-husband, celebrating his 70th birthday. When we were married, and this is so interesting, he was a model maker in the film industry, and he reminded us about the time he and his team made a model of a flying saucer and flew it across the plains of Avebury. Now this was back in 2003. I think there really weren't

the mobile phone cameras that there are around today, so it caused a great commotion at the time. And Nick Frost, the actor, made a documentary about it called A Very British UFO Hoax. It's still available on the YouTube. How interesting. Very interesting. Thank you very much, Joan. Have you thought of a Lord that you like? No, I was just trying to think. and even there's a band, a singer. Lord of the Dance. Lord of the Dance. Michael Flatley, lovely.

Do you like that? Yes I do. Have you been to see it? Yes I have. Are you sure? Yes, it was a while ago. Okay. You go for free? No, I think I'm paid.

Wow. I don't know what you're the gift that keeps on giving. My dad went to see that once. He just was so confused by it. Well, I mean, it was a bit of a one-trick pony because it was just that line of people dancing. That is him, isn't it? Yes, it is. Yeah. Yeah. I think dad felt that it certainly, it lacked plot. I think he had a point. Anyway, his favourite film was The Eagle Has Landed. Now this comes in and I'm sorry that we don't have a name because it's so fantastic. gifted a collection of welcome collections, 20th century health warning poster postcards. Imagine this in 2025's NHS. Keep podcasting, you make my week, especially on night shift.

So this particular postcard, so it's got a skull wearing a kind of frothy hat on it. It says VD, hello boyfriend, coming my way. The easy girlfriend spreads syphilis and gonorrhea, which unless properly treated may result in blindness, insanity, paralysis and premature death. If you've run the risk, get skilled treatment at once. Treatment is free and confidential. What year is that? I don't know. It's sometime in the...

2020. In the 20th century But it's the fact that the easy and that's an inverted commas girlfriend spread civilis and gonorrhea These tartie ladies have got to be watched out for well They have haven't they and of course, it's the poor innocent man. Oh my goodness. He has he can't control his Filthy ladies, but that is quite something isn't it and control his. It's not fair. He's cleaner than he meets these filthy ladies. But that is quite something, isn't it? And both of those venereal diseases are on the rise again,

especially in the younger generation and amongst silver surface. Yes, I mean, that was a, can I say that was a woman's hour regular. STDs in the over 70s are on the rise. Yeah, because you're not using your protection anymore are you? So that I think they should just put that up again. I think that is absolutely brilliant. Nobody would have a problem with that at all. Well some people wouldn't have a problem with it. That is the problem. I can't back. What year would that have been? I mean it's terrifying. It's the skull and she's got a slightly come hither charm about

her hasn't she? Be a female scholar. But the font and all of that suggests it's actually not very long ago. It's not like it's out of the 1920s or 30s or something. Is it possibly World War Two? Would it be? Oh here we are. UK War Office 1943. 1943. Wow. During the war ladies were even more loose. So easy. Mel says, Dear Jane and Fia, I thought I'd send you a postcard to provide a bit of contrast to the picturesque postcards you've been sent. These cards were created and sold in a shop called But Is It Art? which was popular, it was popular in Reading for many years but sadly ceased trading. I sent one to a friend who'd relocated to Sydney, Australia when she was feeling homesick to remind her of what she was missing.

Mel, thank you very much. And the postcard is four separate images of wheelie bins in Reading, a small terrier urinating against a rubbish bin, a very unbecoming bench by what looks like a bridge across an A-road, and mounds of rubbish piled up in the centre of town in sacks and it very much conjures up why you might want to live in Sydney in Australia rather than reading in Berkshire. Thank you very much for it. Neomosa, and I'm sorry if I've got that name incorrect, has sent us a fantastic postcard from Kosovo where she's been

listening for a while and is learning a lot from listening to the podcast. She says, I've been dying to use the word ramekin, no luck so far. Keep trying, it's amazing what you can pick up from us. What did you put ramekin in a second, give me an example. Ramekin? Well I suppose you'd have to be describing maybe a lovely midweek supper party that you'd had and I would say to you, and Jane what did you serve your guests? And you would say, well I did a little bit of Place Auber and then I served some cheesecake but I served them individually in ramekins. I see, okay. That would be a completely natural sort of conversation,

wouldn't it? Well, I mean, I imagine that's dinner around at your place most nights. We are absolutely loving the postcards and I'm sorry that we don't have time to read all of them out. Thank you to Beth, thank you for the lovely picture of the aqueduct that has come in. Julia, you sent an absolutely revolting picture of a naked man there. Yes, you need to look at that again, Jane. I do. And we've also got a tactile one, a very tactile one from Portugal, from Vanessa. It's made out of cork and it's just lovely, isn't it? Have a feel of that. Oh, yes, that is love. I'm going to Portugal the weekend after next. Oh, can you?

I know. I just can't keep her down, can you? I shall look out for some of these beautiful postcards. My sister's just been to Marrakesh. I don't think she'll be going again, Fee. Did she get a little bit of the dodgy tummy? It was extremely hot and she said she felt she could smell donkey poo wherever she went. But I mean, I don't know.

Let's just... So we're looking for sponsorship from Lille, not Morocco. Fee, Moroccan. If the Moroccan tourist board is listening, don't ask my sister to advertise Moroccan. This is an Andy Warhol image of a nude man. It's not very good, is it? I think he's doing his best. Is Andy Warhol still with us? No. Oh, isn't it? Okay.

No, he's quite long gone, isn't he? Is he? I don't know. He had his 15 minutes, Jane. Oh, yeah. I'm not sure about all of his work, but he's definitely got longevity, hasn't he? Just Be Kind Serendipity. What a beautiful email this is. Dear Jane and Phee and Eve, after a lot of emails in my head, I've finally been compelled to put thumbs to phone to tell you about my journey home today. Bear with me. After leaving work, I

made my way first to Waterloo and then to Paddington to try and find a way home to Warminster. Yes, ridiculous commute. That is a long way. It was hot, crowded, stressful and there was limited information on how on earth to get home, avoiding the animals on the track somewhere around Basingstoke. I hope they're all safe now. Anyway, it's sconce on a train heading vaguely in the right direction. I was minding my own business listening to you when I overheard a phone call of another passenger clearly also attempted a diverted journey back to the Wiltshire countryside. I was able to help with a plug for her phone charger and some information about where best to change trains to get to her final destination

and I thought nothing more of it. I just listened to the part of the episode when you were talking about kindness when my fellow traveler gave me a note along with my plug as she was leaving the train. See photos and we will read that out in a sec. It's been a long day, I'm tired and jet lagged, don't feel too sorry for me, I'm just back from two weeks on holiday and I'm still not home I don't believe this happened for a reason but it feels like a very nice silver lining that I was able to make a difference to somebody's day so the note says I have ADHD and your kindness and help today prevented an anxiety-fuelled breakdown disruption to journeys are hard for me to cope with and society is

becoming less bothered by the people around them, focusing more on their virtual lives. I'm trying to raise my children to be like you in a world that's becoming selfish and self-involved. Please always show your kindness. Sometimes it means more than you may realise. Thank you, Holly." Isn't that lovely? That really is lovely. And it just shows you that sometimes making what might be a tiny gesture, and you might be a bit reluctant to make it, because sometimes you feel, I don't know, embarrassed about offering help, don't you?

But more often than not, it is really appreciated. And the worst thing that can happen is that you'll cause very moderate offence. Yeah. So go for it. But also very nice for Holly to have been thoughtful and recognised it and said... worst thing that can happen is that you'll cause very moderate offence. So go for it. But also very nice for Holly to have been thoughtful and recognised it and said thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, that is lovely. This is from Fran who says, I sympathise with Jane about her lack of sense of direction. Do you have a good sense of direction? It's not bad. Yes, it's better than mine. I have it too, says Fran. I once got lost in a toilet block on a speed awareness course. I came in one entrance and having spent several minutes trying to find the same entrance I gave up and exited via another at the same speed awareness course. I asked

if there was a speed limit for horses. There was a deathly silence, such pride. We can't return to the speed awareness course. Well, we're not going to. We've both made... We're not going to go. Neither of us will attend IRL or on Zoom, a speed awareness course. Just take the points.

No, absolutely not. Okay, I'll take the take the points. No! Absolutely not. Okay. I'll take the points for you. No! Also wrong. And not something we endorse. Now this comes in from John and it did make me laugh out loud. Dear Jane and Fee, you may recall my wife submitted a painting last week of George Clooney. Oh no, I didn't see that. Is it good? No. It's not.

He looks like, well who did we decide? David Niven. Okay, well yeah. Noted raconteur. As you can imagine, I was devastated in the assessment you both gave of my painting. Claire played me the review, chortling, thinking this was hilarious. But I've had the last laugh because I've secretly brought the painting in from the shed and hung it on the wall. Claire's only five foot two, I've hung it quite high and hidden the ladders,

so she'll have to look at my masterpiece of George for some time to come. I noticed from the email you read out that she professed not knowing why I chose George Clooney as the subject matter. Well, this came about when I told her I was going to the barber and she asked me to get my hair cut like George. I took this that she had a secret desire for George. The painting was made with love and affection so to hear that she's not too fond of it means I'm doubly devastated. Loving the show by the way as a new convert. Well welcome aboard John. You've got a cruelty there but it's quite funny. It's an unpleasant streak. But I mean but you've got to say well thought out. It's quite clever. But neither of us honestly approve of tricks being played on the slightly shorter person. No we don't. Because that's just not fair. We don't and also it wasn't the worst painting that we've received. I still think the

one of Queen Elizabeth. S slightly haunting me that way. Yes, indeed. Let's just do a bit of literature chat. Lyn is in Adelaide. Jane mentioned the book Bournemouth by Jonathan Coe as an aside. My ears pricked up when she said it was really touching, so I've just finished it. Thank you for the quiet recommendation. I really enjoyed it. And I was so touched by the story that spans generations and interweaves family, relationships, time and place. Yeah, it's a great book that it really is absolutely lovely, Bournville by Jonathan Coe. But I just want to say, and I know I've mentioned this before, I've just finished The Eights by Joanna Miller. And honestly,

it's about four women who go to Oxford in 1920. And I didn't get, neither of us have been to Oxford. So it's not like I'm revisiting my youth a hundred years before it happened or whenever but I just thought I found that book so touching I really loved all of the characters and I'm so sorry they're no longer a part of my life so Joanna write another one about those characters please I want to know what happens to them it's a lovely lovely book. We've got loads of authors coming your way who we hope you will be interested by Chloe Dalton, who's written a book called Raising Hair,

which has been nominated for quite a few non-fiction awards. It's about a leveret that she found outside her cottage. Is that a baby hair? A baby hair during the pandemic who she raised. And if you want to take yourself to a completely different place through a book, I would highly recommend it. There's so much in there about hair.

I mean, why would anyone know lots of information about hairs, but actually they are quite a mysterious creature. We know the bunny rabbit because we've tamed them, but hairs have always had this quite kind of mystical place in folklore apart from anything else and it is I think a phenomenal book. I know you, I think I probably like those slightly meditative books a little bit more than you do but I really would recommend this. I just love

being lost in the pages of the life of a wild hare coming into somebody's bothy. So that I would look out for. We know that lots of people are really enjoying Leonard and Hungry Paul, which is our book club choice, so I'm glad that we made that and I'm glad that it got recommended in the first place. And can I do a long throw into September because Elizabeth Day has got her new novel, One of Us, out and I did a little interview with her in front of some press in order to start the ball rolling last week. And I think it is you really rate her as a novelist too, don't you?

I love her books, yeah, I really do. And I think she's underrated actually in rate her as a novelist too, don't you? I love her books, yeah, I really do. And I think she's underrated actually in her talents as a novelist, possibly, because she's just very good at the other things that she does. So I think if she only wrote novels in a way, the novels would be more talked about, you know what I mean? That's an interesting point. Did you put that to her? Yeah, well I think she's just phenomenal. I think the writing is superb. And One of Us doesn't disappoint at all. It's got a really good...

It's about the political classes and it's about not underestimating the women who, some of the men in the political classes, marry and move around and it's good. What do you mean move around? Like chess pieces? There is some moving around isn't there in the world of the political classes. So I would highly rate that so that's gonna come your way. We'll talk to Elizabeth Day won't we in person as well on the podcast. By the way I've changed my mind I do want you to give me that your copy of her book. Oh okay. Because it's not out for a while is it? No it's September. Oh, well, so I'll have it now then. Sorry, sorry, Elizabeth.

I mean, I would also will pay for a copy. This is from V. I've been listening since the Dark Ages, but I had to write in after Jane Mulcairn's take on Lewis. What did she say about it? Well, she said that Lewis was fantastic. We were talking about places to move to in the next phase of life. One of our favourite topics on this podcast.

Right, okay. Well, V is very honest actually. I had to pitch in. She said, This is a classic home county's town dominated by the boomers. I myself am of that generation. I'm 69. But I'm a failed one. Now, this is V's own assessment. No property, no money, no future, but I soldier on. I live nearby until finances sent me elsewhere, but I'll never forget the capitalist boomer hippie couples in Waitrose arguing about the price of burrata. I really wish I felt more love for my contemporaries, says V, who's had a belly full of the boomer community Now I say this I am only I am a boomer myself, but only by a matter of months. I mean, it's hard to believe But I am

V isn't a boomer So I'm with you V and I'm sorry that you felt that you were being edged out of Lewis by people There is a certain smugness about some people, isn't there? And they don't even realise they're doing it, but it doesn't mean they're any less infuriating. Yeah. What is the price of burrata? I don't know. I don't like it. Oh, OK. What's the difference between burrata and mozzarella?

Well, I think burrata is a younger cheese. Is it? I had to chuck out. I normally make a pasta salad now for my lunch here at Times Towers and I made it yesterday and I'm afraid to say that this morning I just, it smelt funny and I think it's because the fetter I put in it had been in the fridge a bit too long. Do you know what I mean? It was just... It can go from tangy into smelling like a urinal within about an hour. I think it had tipped over into urinal from Tang.

And anyway, it's now in the bin at London Bridge station. And I've got a sandwich from a well-known high street shop. Well, well done, you. I just also wanted to say a huge thank you to our listener who wrote such a lovely email, which Eve forwarded to me this morning, inviting me to take a look around Staining. Staining?

Stining. Stining? Stening. Stening? Thank you, thank you, which is also in West Sussex and it just sounds absolutely delightful and it was just such a nice email, you just completely and utterly got the point of all the kind of fear around thinking about the next place to go and live and what bits you'd like and whether or not you're going to fit in and all of that kind of stuff. And it was such a generous offer as well to go and have a bit of a look round and a hook up and a chat.

A hook up? Why? I don't mean that. Are you going to expend your dotage? I don't mean that. I need to have another look at that VD postcard. I've got that wrong haven't I? Well I don't know, I thought it was lovely but it's certainly a positive approach to retirement. It's one way to be welcomed into the community. There she is flashing her headlights. In the National Trust car park.

Right, OK. Right. Oh dear, it's nice to have you back. This is work. Can I just mention, Christine, long time listener, first time emailer here. It's nice to have so many of you emailing for the first time after now nearly a decade of listening to this absolute garbage. Some of you have felt, right, that's it, I can't take any more, I'm going to join in. And Christine says, I'm a fairly fit 78 year old, I was interested to hear you talking about people giving up their seats on transit to an older person. This happened to me last weekend when a fellow traveller offered me a seat. I declined as I prefer

to stand, we both laughed and I hoped I hadn't offended. But why is it that some people feel that older folk can't stand just for a while? Perhaps we should rethink the idea and offer seats to people with mobility issues or mothers struggling with babies or toddlers. And it's this point that really stood out for me from Christine. She says, the one time I really needed a seat was when I was newly pregnant. Now I do think the problem with that is, and I completely understand that because I too felt wretched for the first sort of 12 weeks or whatever of pregnancy. But of course no one can see that you are in agony, you probably don't want to announce

it and when I say agony it's that kind of sort of omnipresent, moderate to severe nausea. And quite a weird feeling of proximity to people. Other people smell everything, just so heightened. That is when I'd really have loved not to have to stand for any length of time, but of course it's very difficult. That's why you get the baby on board badge, but I think it's such a good point to make because lots of people don't want to announce to the world that they're pregnant in the first three months. Something that we've touched on before actually, because to be honest, I think it's one of the times of pregnancy when you most need people to know that you are pregnant.

It is odd that, isn't it? It is weird. Christine says, on another note, I do remember being young and too shy to offer an older person a seat. I think that's true as well. You know, when you used to, it's hard to believe, but I used to feel very shy about speaking in shops. Yeah. There was a bloke on the Tube this morning who was, he was definitely, he was an engaging character. He bounced onto the carriage and you could tell that he just wanted to interrupt everybody's day. Nobody wants it. With something, he never wanted that very, very specific London look, which is you suddenly just focus on something that is completely in the middle distance and you ignore anybody.

You find yourself riveted by an account of a rugby union match in the Metro newspaper. Exactly that, or reading a poem, one of Lemus Cissé's lovely poems that they've put up in the underground, other poets are available. But anyway, at one point he actually just started talking at me and I had my headphones in so I was doing my very best London ignoring status and then I thought actually why not? Right, I'm getting off at the next stop, why not? He obviously just needs to be talking to people. So I took my headphones out and he was congratulating me on how well I'd ironed my dress.

And I thought actually, that's quite nice. I'll have a bit more of that please. It is a beautiful dress. Just describe the colour. Well it's pink and red, which you wouldn't have thought would go together, but it's quite a jazzy geometric pattern, isn't it? Yeah, it's a real burst of summer. Yes, thank you. And I think I love the idea of a gentleman touring the public transport network looking

for ladies to compliment on their ironing ability. Yeah, it was quite old school. Yeah, but you know, I'll take a compliment wherever I can find it. And you know, men on tube trains quite often say far, far, far worse things. Well they do. This is something that Britain's young women can look forward to. But one day, men will want to talk to you about how good you are, how handy you are with an iron. You look domestic. Right, amazingly, God willing, goddess willing, whoever you believe in, will be here tomorrow.

Jane and Fee at Time Stop Radio. Goodbye. Bye. Oh, that smells wafted in. I'm not from the canteen, is it? Do you think you might be pregnant? Ooh. Ooh! Ooh! Congratulations, you've staggered somehow to the end of another Off Air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, 2-4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale and if you listen

to this you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online on DAB or on the free Times Radio app. Off Air is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.