Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Givin’ on a Prayer

Episode Date: September 17, 2024

In this email special, Jane and Fi get themselves in a muddle trying to sue Eve, The Hot Priest Challenge is in full swing, a precious piece of pop memorabilia meets a sad end and Jane has another idea for a book...Our next book club pick has been announced! 'The Trouble with Goats and Sheep' by Joanna Cannon.If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

And then we'll just stick our names on the front. But when we stuck our names on the front last time, it didn't really work anyway. I think the problem was we'd actually written in the inside. That was the other problem. It is egg, tomato and salad cream and I couldn't believe it when I saw it. It's in M&S Eve. Don't mention it again. I know.

It just, it sang to me. It didn't even call to me. It sang to me. Because you don't often see a sandwich with salad cream in these days. Everything's mayonnaise and sometimes it's aioli. I just wanted salad cream in these days, everything's mayonnaise and sometimes it's aioli. What is the main ingredient in salad cream? Vinegar. Not salad. It's not cream. So it's, I think it is a tiny bit of egg, vinegar, sugar. That's what makes it so addictive, I find. Okay, genuine. I can't remember the taste. God knows we had it in my youth, but I can't remember

the taste of salad cream. Really? God, you have come a long way. I'm very much embedded in, well, what's that bloody stuff that my kids just, they literally, I came across one the other day in the kitchen, drinking from a jar of that cabbage, what's it called? Kimchi. Kimchi. Yeah. Or sauerkraut.

I buy the sauerkraut that is the Polish brand that you can get in leading supermarkets. Now it's cheap as chips, much better for you. And they will literally drink the fluid in the sauerkraut jar. Yeah. It's all fermenting. It is fermenting. But you could equally, could you not equally drink the fluid in a pickle jar, just, you know, if you've had some gherkins.

Yes, you probably could. In there. And what are the small gherkins called? I always forget that. Cornichon. That's it, Cornichon. You see, I have come a long way. You certainly have. Cornichon just fell from my lips. Wonderful. Can we just very briefly outline? Don't forget everybody from Liverpool. Yes, the North part. The time story today,

pay out for worker who was nasty to gender fluid dog. Now, this is a sort of difficult area, well it has been a difficult area, but sometimes we've just got to enjoy the gift that keeps on coming in terms of headlines when the 21st century is a troubling place. But every now and again we must reflect on some of the funnier sides. Can we just do a few lines from this story? Yes, let's. Local authority bosses must pay a lesbian social worker more than £63,000 after she was disciplined for having nasty opinions about a colleague's gender-fluid dog. Now that's a sentence that couldn't and wouldn't have been written five years ago.

Certainly not ten years ago. You definitely have to have an explainer box five years ago. Can I just say though, the thing that I did think about that is it's irrelevant that she's gay. It's totally irrelevant. So that's a naughty headline. Well, okay, Elizabeth Pitt was reported to managers at Cambridgeshire County Council for making allegedly transphobic remarks during a video meeting with the council's LGBTQIA plus group last year. And now this is because Elizabeth and

another colleague also happened to be a lesbian were reported for commenting on the revelation in a really aggressive tone, the revelation being that another colleague said he identified his dashing as gender fluid. And the dashing was in a dress. We'll leave it there really. No, don't dress your dashings up at all. Don't assume your pet's gender or sexuality. And for God's sake, don't put it on Zoom. But it is irrelevant that anybody in that is gay. So that's just a little bit we could do with updating that. But it is funny. Would you now like to throw

some insults? We've devised a plan. Yes. We're worried. Leave some staff here. So, so. We'll leave her out of it, shall we? Or shall we include her? No, we've devised a plan. Eve's on staff here, so... We'll leave her out of it, shall we? Or shall we include her? No, we've got to include her, because otherwise we won't get the payout, because you and I are freelance. So we've, between the three of us, we've got to be having a conversation where maybe... Like now? Yes, where I say something about Dora and you say, you can't say that because she is now identifying as Dorian. I'm getting confused now. And then Eve is the one who has to come on in

with something aggressive and a bit phobic which is very unlike her. She wouldn't do that. But she's on staff so we could then her, but then we could split the proceeds. And where would we go? Malaga? I don't know. I don't know. Well, I'm going to see if I can find a pair of lesbian positive dungarees, pop Dora into them and have her identifying. And this is all horrible generalisations, but we're just buying into this idea that this is how we could make a few quid. And I could then slyly insert into the podcast in a couple of weeks that Dora is now identifying as a

possibly gay rescue tabby of uncertain vintage. And you could say, I don't believe that, Jane. Now I'm getting confused. How are we going to make the money? No, Eve's got to say something aggressive and rather nasty which she wouldn't do. So that's where the plan fails. But genuinely as a pet owner and a pet lover, I just object to the fact that somebody has taken it upon themselves to tell their pet or display their pet in a way that their pet might not want to be displayed. I mean I leave all of mine to their own devices. Well we don't... There are all kinds of things, there's a lot of dry humping and it's quite revealing sometimes. No cushion is safe.

There's no name here for the Dashing which kind of annoys me and doesn't really help with the story. There's no name here for the Dachshund which kind of annoys me and doesn't really help with the story. Anyway, look, we also need to put in a massive caveat that we are in no way laughing at what can be a very, very difficult, fragile, febrile and sensitive area of some people's lives. We're not laughing, except we are laughing a bit because this is just a bit ridiculous. I'm just trying to help. Yeah, no, we've always said this podcast is an entirely safe space. We don't give a damn about your sexuality, your gender, fluidity or whatever it might be. But for some reason, I really care about your pets. So I don't care about you. I care about your pets. I care about your pets.

I care more because you've got more pets. And I just think we have reached a stage of mild hysteria on this issue. But not surprising. Let's move on. Let's move on to Fee's Priestley Challenge. Right. So this was... This is the game show they dare not make. £63,000. It's a lot of money. It's an astonishing amount of money.

It's a lot of money. It's an astonishing amount of money. It's a lot of money. Yeah. I think it's more money than quite a few people get, you know, when they've had a bad time on maternity leave or stuff like that. So that's not fair either. Right. The hot priest challenge was yesterday's story came from Jane, that there were just a lot of hot priest things on sale. And we wondered about sperm donation from hot priests. Well, a correspondent has suggested the Pope, as we mentioned last week, is very worried about people, ladies, not having enough children, which isn't very good for the Catholic Church, quite apart from anything else. So the Pope, who doesn't have his own kiddies, that's up to him. He was encouraging people to have more kids and our correspondent said if that's a concern of his,

why doesn't he allow these priests, many of whom are blessed with good looks and feature on the hot priest calendar why doesn't he allow them to donate their goods? That's better. Okay, keep it in fact. Well I wasn't going to say that. Okay and this has really tickled your fancies. This one comes in from Katrina who says, oh father where art thou? That's about your carrots. Hang on, have you got another one? This is from Nicola. I thought I'd offer up my suggestion. How about blessed fruit of his loins? You've both get me company

since before the pandemic and an overseas location to and from Panama. Wow, Nicola, I love to hear about our listeners travels because as you know, I don't myself travel. So I'm always very eager to hear about other people doing the right thing and getting out and about. So Nicola, thank you for that. Have you got another one? I've got one from Karen here. Yes, I think this might be the same one. Oh, come all you faithful. Yeah, it's good. Some people have done a bit of different spelling with that one and I was very upset and appalled. Have they left the I out?

Yeah, don't. This one comes in from Sue, the hand of God. Yeah, also good. This is from Joe, I chat along to you on my dog walk on a country lane so I generally get away without being thought mad. Is it the lapsaps Catholic in me? Or did anyone else immediately reach for the holy C with D on the end seed for your hot priest sperm donation business? Get it? Holy seed. Yes, that's good. Yeah. Bo the dog is included for interest, she is 12. She's a GSD slash roti lurcher, 26 kilograms, not to

wait, shame, just to give you an idea of size. She looks gorgeous. She does look very good indeed. Jo, thank you very much. I don't think 26 kilograms is too bad actually for that type of dog. This one comes from Alice, your correspondent's idea for a priestly sperm donation service. How about fathers for you or even our father or possibly the commercially winning Fathers Are Us? Oh good. Judith is saying it's got to be little blessings. Well, could be. Could be, yeah.

PS, she says I remain loyal to you in the afternoons. That counts for a lot and we're grateful, Judith. Despite your former colleague now broadcasting in the same time slot on a rival station. I don't know anything about that. But Judith, thank you very much indeed. It's a declining radio station anyway, so we wish him the very best of luck. And he had Sarkis Stama on as his guest on the first day he was there and we had Adam Shaw doing his money slot so we know who was

the winner there it was clearly us. I can't go there with you great big bang bonging guests. Hello Fianne Jane Brush with loyalty this one's from Annie you know what it is don't you? My dad used to be a Cub Scout leader in Surrey and often took his group on hikes in Windsor Great Park. Whilst on a walk my dad noticed a horse-drawn carriage approaching in the distance. He lined up the Cubs and said someone very special was going to drive past. Lo and behold, the Duke of Edinburgh sped past the Cubs who were now saluting. The Duke, red-faced and clearly furious, stood up and shouted, Get out of the way, you idiots! My dad spent the rest of the walk consoling the

cubs and reassuring them that it was still worth saluting the Queen at the end of each hall meeting with my continued thanks for your inspiring and fun broadcasts. That I'm afraid to say is the sort of encounter with his late worshipfulness, the Prince Philip, that we have come to expect. So there's absolutely no bit of me reading that, you reading that, Eve reading that, and all our listeners listening to that where someone's going, no, you would never have said that. Everyone just goes, yep.

Absolutely. It's sorely missed, I think, in the nation's tapestry. He was, well, when I put it to Craig Brown, I think I said, because I slightly haunted me, I said Prince Philip was rather more than a curmudgeon. Craig Brown, he was on to talk about his brilliant compendium about the Queen, I think it's called A Voyager and the Queen, which is a really enjoyable book. He slightly took issue with that and said, oh, I think he was just trying to break the ice. He was just rude. He was unfailingly rude. I mean, I know the trouble is life is full of gray areas, isn't it?

And we are all as individuals capable of great kindness from time to time, but also of being absolute tools five minutes later and thinking horrible thoughts and being really unpleasant. So am I being balanced enough in my coverage of the late Prince Prince? Maybe almost everyone who's ever met him just met him on a bad day. There is that possibility. Or that he had signed up to the wrong job and he couldn't get out of it. Nor would he want to with his four lovely kiddies. Four lovely kiddies. Well, shall we say... But the royal family, joining the royal family, you may think that you know what it's like,

but you probably don't until you're in it. There's quite a lot of exits. There are quite a lot of people who think, obviously, this isn't quite for me. I think I might. Off I pop. Is that door marked exit? I'm heading towards it. Are you going to watch the very latest drama around the horrible Prince Andrew interview? Well you did ask me this before. Sorry.

No, it's good to be asked again. Will you watch it? I feel that because I obviously didn't get a proper response. No, I feel that because I've seen the story depicted by Billy Piper and all sorts and was it Rufus Sewell who was... I love a bit of Rufus Sewell. In the witch bit. Get on with it please.

He's just married a woman who's about the same age as my daughter's Rufus Sewell and I think he's older than me. Oh great. No, so you think you know the story already and you're not going to watch it? I'm not hugely curious to see it done again, but are you? I'm not sure whether I will bother either to be honest. I do feel as though like you, the story is out there and I gather that this is just the same story but in a longer form and over three episodes. So it's quite an investment isn't it for those of us who've just got so much on?

Huge amounts on. Since I cleared out the stall cupboard, a whole other load of domestic duties are lining up. Can I just, you'll hate this. Okay. But it's from Anne. Do read it out. She says, Anne, Anne V has just discovered our podcast. Anne, welcome aboard. Come on Anne, I mean please. 2017 we started this game, but I mean, I'm now 182 years of age and still going. And guess where she heard about it, Fee? Was it on the Arches? It was on all about the Arches, in which I appeared last week, talking about my love of the Arches.

Now I got slightly caught up in the X thread, because you're not on X anymore, but somebody had posted something about it and that keyed me in as well. I just got these pages and pages of just, I mean, to me, it's Codswallop. I don't know what people are talking about. The Arches. Yeah. That's good at the moment, as I keep saying. Anyway, just a comment about Afee's favourite show Race Across the World and you love it, don't you? Anne says, if you have a look at the final episode of last season's one that's series four The Reunion not the Celebrity one they show you behind the scenes and there is actually quite a large film crew with them but

they try not to get involved at all with the contestants. Okay. This is the bit that puzzles me there was one time when one of the contestants, James, got very upset and asked the cameraman for a hug. It was a very poignant moment, she says. Wow. I haven't seen it at all, so. Well, thank you for mentioning that. And actually, another one of our correspondents who was very much enjoying the celebrity version said,

if you've gone in on the celebrity one, you should definitely go back and watch the- The real one. The real one, because it is even better. So I will do exactly that because I've surprised myself by liking it as much as I have. And after you nagging me about Colin from accounts, I finally started and honestly very little television makes me laugh out loud but that has. It's brilliant isn't it?

It's absolutely fantastic. So if you are in a kind of midlife lurchy kind of state of mind feeling a bit, just a bit low about life, treat yourself. Totally. It's a bit rude. It is a bit rude. It's a broad church this as we've experienced. Don't you think it does all of the laugh about prejudices brilliantly. Every single prejudice is in there. Yeah. And you don't kind of notice quite how well they're poking... They're nailing things. ...fun at everybody, but they really are. My favourite character I've got to say is... What's the name of the lead character? Gordon. Gordon. Yeah. Gordon Crapp. Gordon Crapp. Gordon Crapp's doctor, Dr. Bruce, who I think is quite elderly,

isn't he? You really have to watch, just watch it. It is properly funny. It is properly good. And also, season two doesn't disappoint because sometimes you go to a season two and you think, oh, this isn't going to be as good, but I think it's even better. I'm saving the last couple of ones. We did watch Another Night Sleeper last night. No, it was too much last night. As regard the pants throwing, Shozanne, the only rock star I would have thrown mine at would be very skimpy and lacy, but not actually ones I'd wear myself, she says, slightly confusingly, would have been Dave Grohl. But after the recent revelations, I would definitely

be wanting them back. Yes, Dave was, what was he? The nicest man in rock or something and now he isn't anymore because he's had, how was it described? He's had a love child. Yes, he's had a child out of wedlock. And to be fair, again you don't get fairer than me, he has said it and he's also said that he wants to be a part of the child's life. But nevertheless, it's a little, I think a lot of people feel a little let down. But then it's a dicey move to be labeled the nicest man in rock, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. And I also, I'm not sure in terms of anyone's origin story, whether you want to go back and look through the family photo album and you know, the first cutting in there is just a screenshot from X of your dad telling the world. That's what bothered me. And there's, and actually it's a wide conversation to be had. By the way, this is an email special, there's no guest.

If you're wondering, are these two old birds going to shut up? No. Where are they heading? It's just us. I think there is a wider conversation that our listeners would have interesting thoughts about, Jane, as to what we now use all of the social media platforms for. Because I think we've gone one hell of a pace towards something ubiquitous. I mean even two years ago, I'm not sure that people would people

have been able to have a sponsored post announcing that they were pregnant, which I believe is a thing that the influencers are now doing. So if you are, you know, hefty in the world of influencers and you want to tell all of your two million followers that you're pregnant, then your brand manager goes around to find a suitable brand to sponsor that post. I think two years ago we weren't doing that. Five years ago, would the nicest man in rock have taken to Twitter to make that the first public posting of some pretty hefty news. And so where does it end up?

Do we carry on going? Is this the right at the edge of the pendulum swing? Are we coming back from it? Does it matter? On a much more serious note, lots of famous people announce their illnesses, don't they? And I'm not in any way, I mean, I have every sympathy with anyone who's seriously ill, but almost no one these days is seriously ill without announcing it. If they're already well known, obviously most people would tell people close to them and get through it as best they can. But there is an assumption that a well known individual will take to

X to say, unfortunately, I've been diagnosed with blank. So it always starts with some personal news. Yes, I've got that. Because they feel they have to, and do they have to? Would you? They've not been tested, genuinely don't know. Don't think so. I mean, then that's a good question,

because if I suddenly disappeared because I was ill, I suppose I would have. What are you saying Eve? Get on with it. Touch wood. Oh touch wood. That's your head you're touching. So I can't answer that question because I don't know because it's not happened to me. Sometimes I do think and because I know there's an awful lot of stuff on social media that comes in at

you and it's really unpleasant and it's about what's happening in Gaza or you know, whichever hellhole of the world somebody has managed to have access to and it's important actually that we do see all those kind of things but quite often I do want a little bit more warning from people who I know through their public persona if they are going to tell me things like that, or the announcement of death. So I find that incredibly difficult. I don't want to become a nerd to people telling me that somebody who I love has died. And I do feel that I am becoming a little bit, oh, I'll just scroll past that because it's unpleasant. You know, I'm on the tube on the way home and I'm a bit knackered and

I don't want to have to focus on that. So I wonder whether we end up with silos, you know, where there is just a, I mean a little bit like the old fashioned thing that we used to do with the newspapers where you had your births, marriages and deaths page. You chose to look at the deaths if you wanted to, you didn't have to look at them, they weren't embedded in the script of the front page and obviously that's where we are with social media but I don't know. I mean people, there would be the old joke about people checking the obituaries to see if they were still alive.

Yes. Just to make sure. Let's, well, let's see what people think. Now this is, you know the address is, janeoftheattimes.radio. Do you want to know that sort of information from your favourite celebrities? Yeah, and actually I suppose the question... Do you feel they owe you that information? I'm asking is it just one of those things that actually I'll get used to and in a year's

time it won't bother me at all and I'll be very grateful that I can flick through something and find out all of these things. Now this is the turn of the year when young people are once again leaving home and that causes all kinds of... There are challenges in the home, there are challenges year when young people are once again leaving home and that causes all kinds of, there are challenges in the home, there are challenges for the young people going away. It's a bit weird, it can be really upsetting and it's just a time of worry and concern. So we acknowledge that. Sarah says, my one and only leaves for university tomorrow and I thought I'd share what I've made for him to help him get through all this. We printed lots of photos in photo booth, a booth to decorate his room, but

yesterday I also made him an open Wen box. So when he needs a warm hug, he's got a wheat bag. They're nice aren't they? Oh they're lovely. I've got a lavender one. I look forward to winter now so I can pop it in the microwave. Open when you need a cheeky night out. A Nando's voucher. When did Nando's become forever linked with the adjective cheeky? I don't know. Good question. Yeah. Can you go out for a... You don't go out for a cheeky anything else, do you? Why is it cheeky?

A cheeky Nando's. And we never used to say, come on, let's go and have a cheeky pizza hut. You didn't. You still don't. Salad bar. Yes, salad cream there. Open when you need some positivity. A crocheted positive penguin that says he's got this. Sorry, is crochet positive another gender delineation? Oh gosh, we're in deep waters.

Open when you've not had enough veg, some vitamins. Open when you need to get the party started, some vodka jelly for prese. Prese is where the trouble starts. Open when you fancy a movie, a cinema voucher. And there are also condoms, pens, a pair of Converse because his loved ones look like they'll spring a leak any second. Pants, socks and chocolate. It was like doing a Christmas stocking, minus the condoms and the vodka and without the tangerine. Sarah,

I hope your son enjoys himself. I hope he's happy. Sounds like he's going to. And I want him to know, she says, how very missed he will be. I'm still struggling, but I've saved up some episodes of YouTube to listen on the journey home oh Sarah um you know I've certainly been there and actually I was so I was so discombobulated that I didn't do any of the trips to university I left it to their dad because I did find it so upsetting but listen they're both back so it's not necessarily you know it's not the end of anything. It's the start of something new, definitely, a new way of living without question.

But can I say what a lovely, lovely, thoughtful mum you are? Really nice. Because also that's just kind of grown up funny stuff as well and really handy practical things. And can you indulge us in a little experiment and when you get to the end of the first term can you let us know which of those items are still intact without giving away too much detail. This one comes in from Jill who is listening to us in Nijmegen in the Netherlands. It is almost a certainty that I've pronounced that wrong and I apologize it may be it's the Netherlands. I've never thrown knickers on stage at a concert but my shoe did end up on stage at a Pokes concert at the Royal Court in Liverpool

in 1985. Good venue that. It's like all of the gods are conspiring against me. Come on slough, somebody must have a story. I need to pour more entrails. I was 17 and being rather clueless about the dress code, I'd worn a pair of stilettos, ideally for sedate me sitting, but this was a Pogues concert and there was wild dancing going on whilst being jostled from one side of the auditorium to the other. My shoe came off. A dense crowd made of search futile and then I heard Shane McGowan say, whose is this shoe? And there was my shoe in his hand. About half the auditorium started screaming,

Me with me and my brother screaming the loudest. Shane McGowan dedicated the next song to the lady with only one shoe and hung my shoe from his mic stand. We're going to fast forward a little bit in this story because she did get the shoe back and he signed the inside of the shoe. Years later after I'd moved to the Netherlands my parents decided it was time I properly moved out of the parental home and turned up at my flat with the carload

of stuff I'd been storing at theirs I said to mum there's only really one thing I'm bothered about keeping and that's my signed shoe from the Pogues to which mum replied oh but that's the only thing I threw out. I wondered what on earth you'd want with only one shoe. So there went my piece of pot memorabilia chucked by my mum who hadn't noticed the inscription inside to Jill, all the best to you and your shoes, Shane. Kiss kiss. And Jill says magnanimously, Oh, oh well it's only stuff, I still have the memories of a great night out and my moment with the legend that was Shane McGowan, but Jill I think we would really allow you to have a right old

permanent huff actually about losing that shoe. So whilst also questioning the wisdom of a woman who went to a Pogues gig in Stiletto's. I admire your optimism, actually, that's grand. But gosh, I feel for you, actually. I feel for you. Well, I can sympathise. This is a measure of how ridiculous I am, was, that my mum and dad, when they moved house 10, 15 years ago, 10 years ago, threw out my collection of smash hits magazines,

which I'd left in their garage. And I was quite cross, but and then, oh, and my vinyl. Well, I'd say the vinyl's worse. I would, yeah, it was quite annoying. Yeah. But I also blame myself. I was well into my forties. Yeah, you could have... Why didn't I do something about it? You could have put it in.

I could have done something, Vee, and I didn't. Um, a big fan of the Pogues? I wasn't really. No. No, not at all. Sorry about that. And the, you know, the fairy tale of New York, which is we're only a couple of weeks away from that starting out again. I'm seeing Christmas regalia. I was in a pub in the Liverpool area on Saturday. Big, bloody big Robin in reception.

No. Yeah, absolutely. It's September. I know, but they're flogging their Christmas parties. I get it. You know, you've got a book now for Christmas lunch any time between mid-November and Christmas Eve. And this bloody thing was there. That's too much. Incredible.

That is too much. I still think that there is room in the market at Christmas time for one of those, especially those amazing young women who are completely dominating the music scene at the moment, to provide us with a welcome respite from the usual bloody Christmas tunes. Because Fairy Tale of New York, everybody, a lot of people, not everybody, a lot of people like to say, oh, that's the only one that I can really stomach listening to. I do quite like it. I like it. I like it until about November the 23rd and then I can't hear that either. And you just think of, I mean, how amazing if Billie Eilish could, you know, storm us

with something a little bit more modern or the fantastic Chapel Rowan. Have you bought into Chapel yet? She got a great review in the Times today for her gig last night. I need to buy into her. You do need to buy into her actually and if anybody else has yet to encounter Chapel Rowan, she I think is, I think she's one of the best new pop singers I've ever heard, ever heard. I think she's phenomenal and there's loads of stuff to talk about with her. Can you give us a gateway song? Good Luck Baby.

So it's number one in most territories. Yeah, it's been a huge match. But also Feminominon. Which I gather Kamala Harris has used. Which is just a superb kind of young feminist anthem. We wanna be a feminine! And Red Wine Supernova. You might have heard all of these things, but just pop it on, have a listen, and let's chat it through.

And also the stuff that she's been saying about, you know, I know you love me and you're my fan but back off. You've got absolutely no right to come and touch me in the street, you've got no right to follow me around, you've got no right to try and contact my family or find out anything more about me. I give you my songs on stage, you buy my tunes. That's the deal. And there's something quite refreshing about that isn't there? Well that's interesting because that goes back to what we were saying earlier about how much we think we should get from our celebrities. She's just saying, take this, these are my boundaries, and don't get annoyed with me if I don't want to cross them. We did hear the other day from a listener called Anne who had been a nun but had left the community,

and she's written back just to fill us in on what actually happened, so really appreciate that. She does say, words are not my thing. I'm mildly dyslexic. Please don't apologize about that. And I mean, there's absolutely nothing wrong with your email. I promise you. She says, I joined a community back in 1994 and I was there for a little over four years. We were a younger and larger community.

And as well as printing, bookbinding and and sewing we had a really big kitchen garden. In the months of plentiful produce we would gather around the large kitchen table to prepare fruit and veg for bottling and freezing. They were good times when we'd work together and chat. The community has changed slowly over the years adapting to the times and the circumstances of aging and reducing numbers. You can have a glimpse of that community at, I hope I've got this right, Mulling, or is it Mulling, Abbey.org. It's a place, is it Kent? Yeah, I've not heard of it. M-A-L-L-I-N-G. It's a very beautiful and peaceful place, she says.

It was an important time for me and I met some wonderful strong women. I now, though, work for a charity within the local prison prison and I love working alongside some of the men and meeting the visitors. It would be great to have a tote bag inside with me if I qualify. I will try and explain off air to the men. Let us know how that goes. Well I think you do qualify for a tote. I'm passing it over to our tote commissar Eve. She's enjoying the book club book, Anne is. That's The Trouble with Goats and Sheep. It's really good. I'm reading as fast as I can to take it back to the library for the next person. Best wishes Anne, who then says, this is the longest email

I've ever written. I'm off to prison this afternoon. Anne, you are doing good work. Proper stuff. So lots of admiration for you and thanks for being part of our community. I hope the earlier rather smutty talk that Fee introduced about priests has not been, I hope it's not offended you. And you might want to leave us early because I'm just about to read, have you read Olly's email? It's absolutely superb. Olly has written to us before. Shall we end on this? Yeah, okay.

And actually very kindly invited us to her wedding October of last year. And I'm sorry that we couldn't make it. And thank you for mentioning how close Anna Subri lives to you as well. I don't know why, but that little detail always stuck with me. So, Ollie paused Monday's podcast for 10 minutes to come up with a list of hot priest sperm donation branding ideas. Here we go. Who's your father? All soul custody, immaculately ill-conceived, holy communion, giving on a prayer, deacons of hope, feel the Cardinals in, Jehovah and out. I can't do this one with a straight face. Hold it. Go on. Come on.

Do you have a cloth? Time of the monk. Pontiff's pleasure. I'm going to have to breathe the rest. Right, well, that rather tawdry note. Can you do one more? She's just gone bright red. Quite pleasing. Grace across the world. Holly, I love you. Oh, I love you.

That combines one of Fee's favourite shows with her new business. And we wish her the best of luck with it. Right, thank you everybody. We'll reconvene tomorrow hopefully with an erudite and informed guest who can add a little bit of quality to this. What is this? I don't know, but never make it stop. Sorry Eve? Oh yes, tomorrow's guest, we are glad that Eve's with us, honestly. Our guest tomorrow is Iain Dale. He's back amongst us, he's been poorly

but he's back up and running and he has once again, he's got a new book out, he's got a new book out called The Dictators. Now this is a weighty tome and he's a clever old soul, isn't he Ian? Because he doesn't do the writing as much. He does, he just collates and curates and does little introduction. He's on to a winner. Well, I mean, we're always looking for book ideas. Why don't we just do that? I mean, I had a book idea yesterday, I've got another one now. What was your book idea yesterday? Just get the transcripts of the podcast and bung them in.

Oh, that's a great idea. And today's idea is that we'll try and find other people to write essays and then we'll just stick our names on the front but when we stuck our names on the front last time it didn't really work anyway the problem was we'd actually written in the inside. Ian Dale is with us tomorrow and actually if there are some interesting points in his book about why women on the whole are not dictators and are, according to the expert who writes the introduction, unlikely to become dictators. Now, don't want to generalise but...

Well, there's a challenge for you. Let's see. Let's see what happens in that conversation. So it is. Please do feel free to take part in whatever this is at jaynandphi at times.radio. ["Jayn and Phy"] Congratulations, you've staggered somehow to the end of another Off Air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4, on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale, and if you listen to this you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online on DAB or on the free Times Radio app.

Off Air is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.