Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Have you ever seen a nun at reformer pilates? (with Rosie Jones)

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

Jane M is recovering from the leg wobbles while tensions run high between Jane G and producer Kate over some sound effects.They're joined by comedian Rosie Jones to hear about her tour: Triple Threat.If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] - but PLEASE don't send us pictures of your placenta!Follow us on Instagram! @janeandfiAssistant Producer: Kate LeeTimes Radio Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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It was very funny to see you scramble across to see if you could fire off the ring doorbell. I managed it. In the end, I asked for it and then it was like... That's my job! Oh, right. Oh, like that, is it? Like that, is it? Are we on?

Is it like being in France? That's not my job. OK, well, you join us during a very fiery production meeting about why my colleague Kate couldn't ping a jingle, well, more of a sound effect, really, Jane, at the appropriate moment, and she's gone bright red, and so she should. She claims it's not her job to fire off sound effects. I think somebody in that studio should always know how to do it.

Because I don't. Because I'm too talented to be encumbered with that kind of ability. You are, in fact, the talent. Yes, that's what they say. You can't press your indoors. Well, when Fee's on holiday, technically in that room, I suppose I am. Yeah. Oh, it's lovely.

Oh, but hurry back, Fee. Now, you were telling me earlier that you got the train. Seriously, I do admire this, Jane, about you. You're always so fresh-faced and vibrant and enthusiastic. But what time did you get your train into London this morning?

5.44am. Because I'm addicted to this very intense reformed Pilates class on a Wednesday morning in Oxford Circus. And if I get the 6.05 or the 6.15 and something goes a bit awry with the trains, which they often do, I miss my class and you don't get the money back.

And it's wildly expensive. And it's so intense is this Pilates class that on my way into the office, a good hour after the class had finished, my legs were still trembling. So that's what I get up at 5am for that which i think yeah says a lot about 14 years at catholic school doesn't it it's a puzzle in itself yeah but on the train did you have a favorite nun we only had one at my school i know we had two actually sister susan and sister brenda neither of them would have been seen dead at reformer pilates that has to be said if you're a nun and you do go to Reforma Pilates

or you've ever seen a nun at Reforma Pilates, because I do Reforma Pilates on a Friday morning, but I've never had that. Many members of the church? No, no. Well, I do it with the same chap every week. Well, my instructor and then there's only two of us in the class. I can't give his name away, but he's quite big in showbiz.

So I normally pick up quite a few anecdotes when i'm when i'm at reform of pilates but i've never had the leg wobbly the leg well we did an incredibly complicated move today that did feel as if someone was having a bit of a laugh well um it's hard to bring that kind of thing to life in word form but over to you what was it we were on long box which means the box is on top of the carriage the bit that moves yeah um in a long way not a short way and then we were lying on it with our legs in tabletop our feet uh in the short straps loops and then basically doing sit-ups on the box with our feet in straps um Yeah, it was torture. And Jane pays for this. Yeah, I pay a lot of money for this.

And then she goes to work. And then I go to work. By the time I get to work, I'm so grumpy. But anyway, on my train this morning, on my 5.44am train, in stark contrast to the youths I've been putting up with on the train home, there was a beautiful standard poodle this morning

who lay down at my feet this morning. Yeah, it was very soothing. It was a lovely journey into work with a big poodle. Were you able to sex the poodle? Well, his owner called him a he, so I presumed he was not misgendering his own dog. No, well, it would be... Even if you're getting a train from Brighton,

I don't think anyone's going to misgender their dog. No one would dare. It's just not that kind of place. OK, well, I hope you see both the dog and its owner again soon. Me too. I like them both. Right. I have been meaning to email in for a while, says Lizzie.

I don't know what stopped her in the past. I'm a listener from Tunbridge Wells. And there's been yet another fox sighting of that bloody fox at Kew Gardens. She's also seen it. I've recently become a first-time mum to a 12-week-old baby son. Oh, congratulations. Congratulations, Lizzie. No wonder you haven't been able to get round to emailing, in fairness to you.

In fact, I'm surprised you've done it now. I can relate, she says, to the joy of bag twizzling, something we were talking about a couple of weeks ago. Unexpectedly, since having a baby, I have found folding one of my son's wet nappies into a small parcel before it goes into the bin incredibly satisfying. Rolling it in on itself and using the fasteners to secure it. Luckily for me, I get to do this multiple times a day.

As you can tell, my world has become very small since having the baby. Lizzie, don't berate yourself. I once, in a fog of maternal anxiety, went round the same branch of boots about seven times trying to decide whether it was time to increase the number of holes in the baby's teat on the milk bottle yes i did do breastfeeding but i also did occasionally give the odd bit of formula just getting it out there more than the odd bit uh anyway she's fine both both my kids were mixed fed and they seem to be flourishing well after a fashion but honestly that kind of head spinning nonsense where you just cannot break i don't know you can't break through back into the world you used to inhabit when you're in those really dizzying early weeks and months of parenthood so

lizzie you've written a very cogent email 12 weeks in 12 weeks very impressive congratulations and you've been to q gardens and you've seen a fox and you've seen a fox winning you could have seen me for all i know uh that would have been that would have put the tin lid on her day. The real fox, Jane. Thank you, Jane. You're welcome. Did that sound sincere? Not really.

Oh, OK. You're getting very like Fee. Bloody heartbreaking. I did get a valentine. I think it's from Asmameer. Aww. That's very nice. That is nice.

And she'd made it herself. Aww. It certainly looked as though she'd made it herself. Or her childhood. Oh gosh, sorry, yes. Possibly. Quite possibly. She may have paid her child to do it.

I don't think her child had, I think it was all around her. Was it her? It was actually made for her by someone else. She's passed on. She outsourced it. A second-hand valentine to me. She was given a valentine's card by Cain Reeves from TalkSport. Wow. So hang on. How do you feel now?

What sort of feelings are you feeling? I'm not really, I'm completely deflated. Oh. Second hand card. I'm not for you being mean about the sound effects. I'm just going to read an email if that's okay. I'm shattered. So this sort of relates to everything, reforming Pilates birth. About 10 years ago, I went for a smear test, says our anonymous listener,

and I was advised I had pelvic floor muscles of steel. Oh, God. Yeah. I was very proud, although on reflection, I was probably just extremely tense, says our correspondent. A few years later... Has anyone not been tense? Exactly. At a smear tense. So that's what corresponded. A few years later. Has anyone not been tense?

Exactly. As a smear test. It's not the most relaxing, is it? But can I just say, I think we don't say often enough. Because you can have a good smear test, can't you? Well, not good in the sense that it's done professionally and it isn't, you know, it's uncomfortable. You don't cry. You don't cry.

And I must admit, I've never had an agonising experience. I've only ever had... Ouchy. Slightly ouchy, but always efficiently done and always with kindness, actually. That's just my experience. Anyway. Yeah.

A few years later, says our correspondent, I went for another smear test and the nurse asked if the student could sit in. The nurse carried out the smear test, apparently without any issues, but while I was still in the room, said to the student, it doesn't always look like it does in the textbooks. Our listener says I was too insulted

to react but on a serious note it did seem in contradiction to the NHS campaign to persuade women to book him for more smear tests. Yeah yeah I mean to go back to my earlier what you couldn't call it an anecdote anecdote, an observation, the last thing I'd ever want to do is deter women from going for them. Absolutely. Definitely not. But I would say if I'd had a terrible time, and I never have had, so they're so important, don't go.

Because it's absolutely emphatically worth it once you get over that initial... It's a, it's a little bit undignified. That's the main thing. There's nothing really worth... It's not more than that, is it? I just think everyone goes to the toilet. There's nothing dignified about that, is there, when you actually think about it. No. Hello, Jane and Fee.

It's Jane and Jane, but this was written, to be fair, when Fee was here. Anyway, none of that is irrelevant. Let's start this whole thing again. Cut this out. I'm trying to be slick. I know you don't like me today okay this is from a on the subject that we were talking about last week jane uh on whether you should move to be nearer your adult children in later life and this is from a who says my

widowed mum lives next door to us and has moved twice to live nearer to us. We tried to shake her off with a false address, but she tracked us down. It's a joke, everybody. My parents lived in Bath for 30 years. My three siblings and I are all dotted around the Isle of Wight, Oxfordshire, and two of us were in Kent. About a year after my dad died in 2012 and during a bad bout of flu, my mum decided to move to Kent to be nearer me, my brother and her grandchildren. Then five years ago my partner and I decided to move to East Sussex to a town we love and two years later my mum rang out of the blue and asked what we thought

about her moving in next door. I wasn't sure at the time that it was a great idea, I mean a bit too close, but in many ways it has made and will make life so much easier. She's 85, still extremely independent, very considerate about giving a space, never comes around unannounced. I pop in and see her every week or so and we go to local events together. As she gets older I'm sure we'll give her more help but for now she's independent and has a busy life. I see friends who have to drive for several hours to get to their elderly parents in need, and now I really appreciate her practicality

in making that decision. Thank you very much. That's one experience. I mean, gosh, having your mum right next door, it's a thought, but clearly it's working really well at the moment mine definitely considered moving to be closer to me uh and i told them that there was a 10 mile radius basically but they couldn't move inside of i think that's fair enough i mean put your marker down yeah i did anyway they they obviously took

umbridge because they moved four hours north. So that's how to handle parents. Parent wrangling with Jane Wall parents. Hello, Jane and Fee. You said on the podcast that you enjoy emails from abroad. So this is one coming from Minnesota. Hello, our correspondent in Minnesota. The theme is continuing with facial hair grooming, but with a different perspective. Maybe not meant to make it to air air but that's for you to conclude. Well here we go. Yeah. All my adult life since puberty I've been a compulsive facial hair plucker. According to the internet hair pulling can be debilitating for some people but that's never been a problem for me as I pluck only facial hair and if I succumb I can just shave entirely and never have

to contend to embarrassing patches and whatnot I've been very good this winter however and have an unruly winter beard that I've been cultivating since early November I actually don't know the gender of this correspondent just carry on all of this is a prelude however a few nights ago I had a dream where I was extracting a hair and instead of just coming out at the follicle, I kept pulling and pulling until it was three or four feet long and I felt as though I was extracting my insides, maybe removing an entire nerve or some such. I then coiled it up for future examination under a microscope. Upon awakening I had spent a few minutes actually trying to figure out whether I'd ever done anything like this in my life, as it seemed so familiar. Thankfully I concluded this has never actually happened,

but I think I've discovered a new genre of recurring dream that I had been hitherto unaware of. Maybe the type of dream that only a compulsive hair puller might ever have. I have the tooth one. I don't have the hair one, but I have the tooth one. Falling out teeth. Yeah, actually, that correspondent has just, what did they say? Broken a dream. When you suddenly recall a dream from the night before.

Taylor Swift came around finally. She came around and I was very angry because my sister, who I don't live with, hadn't hoovered. And also the decorators had really not completed so much of the work in the house. And Taylor just came in and started colouring in, weirdly, surrounded by quite small children. very very strange how long did that correspondent claim that hair was uh three or four feet long by the time sorry I want to pull it out I want to believe he or she they um

they I mean I know things are bigger in America but really I'm sorry and there was actually a Taylor Swift email as well maybe that's what your dream was part of because we were talking about Taylor and Travis Kelsey feverish night last night oh yeah I thought I was getting something but do you know what illness just seems to elude me you shouldn't say that should you know because I feel all right today um I'm gonna try and I'm gonna find the the Taylor Swift email. I wanted to mention this one from Carla

because it's about crunchy chicken. I was really happy when you read my email on your Extra Friday episode. Yeah, there was a treat for you last week, wasn't there?

It was the one about my nan's 1980s soup powder crunchy chicken. It was really lovely to hear because on that day it would have been my nan's 99th birthday. She had an amazing life where she was one of the UK's first woman publicans,

taking on a rundown pub in the Midlands, which had previously been a brothel. She then went on to be the first woman chair of the male-dominated Pub Trade Association. These women really, really paved the way for us. She died in horrid COVID times three years ago and we really miss her laughter and her naughtiness. It was so funny to hear you at her special recipe. Great memories.

And she'd have so loved being on the wireless. So thank you. Well, Carla, thank you for telling us about your nan's 1980s soup powder crunchy chicken. It sounded revolting then and it still sounds revolting now. But she also sounds like a woman well worth celebrating. So what a life.

She does sound amazing. We've got quite a long email here on many subjects, and I'm just going to read the PS, because it's kind of a double whammy of a PS on multiple subjects. So this is from Naomi, who says, on the subject of strange compliments, has anyone else been complimented on their placenta? For I have, she says.

It was when I gave birth to my daughter and as I recovered from the epic 55-hour labour. Oh, God. All I could hear was the midwives talking about was my gigantic placenta, which they reckon was the largest they'd ever seen and was the reason my daughter had been so calm throughout for context says naomi i'm five foot two they were so excited

but so she's been at all placenta basically yeah they were so excited by it they asked my husband my long-suffering husband to come to the gory end and take photographs of it i still have them somewhere she says perhaps i should bring them out at my daughter's wedding. I still feel very proud of having produced such an impressive slab. No, we didn't take it home and eat it, she says. PPS recently made the deeply pleasing discovery that the lids of Pringles tubes fit goo ramekins exactly and it turns them into tiny, perfect containers. What?

Yeah, I know. That's the PPPS for the ages. Pringle lids on the goo. On the goo ramekins. Well, honestly, I might have to just dash home and start doing some craft. Thank you very much for that. I don't know whether we, we don't really want images of placentas. No, no.

I did get one wafted under my nose after childbirth, and it's the most extraordinary structure. It's so alien and so peculiar. And yes, it's a thing of beauty. I get it. It's all about life. But it's disgusting. Like so many aspects of life.

Just horrible. Just horrible. Quick medical one. We're still talking about funny things that doctors say about people. Dear all, long-time listener, love the show, says Claire, which people are saying a lot now

in the light of the death of Steveve wright keep those love the shows coming because um while we're still saying love the show and also i mean your email get more likely to be read out much more likely we're still remembering steve uh quick email as running of course you are yes quick email as running but my consultant referred to me as delightful when writing to my doctors. How about that? Although I suppose that could be code for hideous. Yeah, it could be. It could be. But I don't think it is. I would just like to say thank you to Caroline, who took me to task over getting Tony Turnbull.

She's apologised. Yeah, she's apologised. So thank you, Caroline. I appreciate the apology. And also, fair enough, I was probably having a go at myself for not being able to do it as well. But I was just a bit pathetic at the time. Yeah, you were. I mean, no, no, I would have done the same as you.

And so, no, I thought she was a little hard on you. But listen, she's done the right thing. And now she's apologised. We're moving on, Caroline. We're friends again. Debbie, who is from Norfolk, says, I enjoy the show. And after listening to the references about so-called pleasant patients

when doctors are referring people to consultants, I did think, of course, of what used to be written by certain doctors in this neck of the woods. It was, of course, NFN, which means... Normal for Norfolk. Not used anymore, says Debbie, who is in Norfolk, so we need to make this clear. This is somebody in Norfolk laughing at themselves.

OK, so it's not us. It's them. And they're embracing the gag, which is absolutely not something. Un-PC. It's very un-PC. And we never would. Although we sort of have. Although we do.

Yeah. Dear Jane and Fee, with regards to James, this James, dealings with the obnoxious man. I'd call him a boy even. I wouldn't call him a him a man vaping and making a loud call on a train i was wondering if you cared to weigh in on the broader quandary of the acceptability of phone calls on trains i feel like you've probably got a lot to say about this actually jane g i do so our listener says about seven or years seven or eight years ago when i was in my early 20s i was on a train from norwich to cambridge on a somewhat circuitous route back to london yes not that's not the

direct route is it due to some engineering works to kill the time as we pass through the dull flatlands easy some people love the fens i decided to phone my parents i'm a somewhat neglectful daughter and tend to only remember to phone home every three weeks or so my my if my mum only got a phone call every three weeks, she'd send out a search party. Anyway. I don't think that's very often. No, it's not, is it?

Anyway, we're not going to take you to task over this. Hattie in Berlin, because you have used your name. As soon as I started speaking on the call, the woman in the front seat turned around abruptly, which I put down to sudden surprise at hearing someone speak. The conversation continued. My dad said there'd been a local sausage festival, which I found hilarious.

And I said something along the lines of, so it was a literal sausage fest. This carried on for a little while until the woman in front turned around and told me off for having a private conversation on the train. I didn't really know what to say back. So I just carried on until my signal cut out a few minutes later.

I'm not a loud person and it was not an official quiet coach. Admittedly, no one was really talking, but I didn't really feel that it was that different as if I'd been sat next to a friend having a chit-chat. I also wondered if she misinterpreted my sausage fest quip to be something sordid rather than being about an actual meat-based

festival. Otherwise, there was nothing particularly intimate being discussed in this benign parent-child catch-up. At the time, says Hattie, it felt like I was being told off for breaking a rule that I didn't know existed. I haven't made a habit of making phone calls on trains since, though admittedly mainly due to the dodgy signal. I'm perfectly willing to take responsibility if this was in fact a faux pas and appreciate that maybe I was being unintentionally annoying.

Perhaps I could have read the room a little better and clearly she was bothered by it. But I'm wondering, is there a general rule about this? and clearly she was bothered by it. But I'm wondering, is there a general rule about this? Well, I suppose, oh gosh, am I being asked to actually adjudicate here? The thing is, you never know what's going on in someone else's life. And you might have had an absolutely hilarious day out, which you want to discuss in huge detail with someone who perhaps couldn't be there but would like to know all about it.

You could be sitting diagonally opposite someone who's just received some terrible news or is visiting someone who's in terrible health or has just lost their job or whatever. I mean, there's stuff going on in all of our lives and I think you've just got to embrace the possibility that maybe not everybody else is in the same mood as you. No, and I think...

But I do think it's interesting on public transport particularly because I've had situations in the last week when three people in close proximity are all on calls with with earphones in yeah and the and the noise level is really high and if you're on a bus in London often that I mean everyone around you can be making phone calls so it's just incredibly noisy which I mean it's fair enough people need to make phone calls but it's it it's just when you've had a long day it's really noisy yeah it is and it's it does feel quite invasive if you're even if you've just got a headache you know you just you just want to chill your beans for 20 minutes yeah so the youth who i accosted um on Monday. How is that youth now? I mean, how is he or how old is he?

I just wonder how he is. I wonder whether he's given the incident a second thought. I doubt it. Seriously doubt it. But he took me to task and said, if I was on a work call that I'd find, you know, everyone around me would find that completely acceptable. Or if the man opposite me was on the phone to his boss,

I wouldn't be complaining. And I actually I probably would you know if it was a very quick necessary one minute phone call to a work person I wouldn't mind but if it was a you know 40 minute phone call I'd feel exactly the same yeah he he felt that I was being unfair because of his youth um and the nature of his phone call that I was being unfair and that you know if Mr Business opposite me was was making a you know a business call yeah that I wouldn't have had a go at him not true no you I know I had a go at everyone equal opportunities I know you well enough to now now to know that you probably would have had a go um absolutely I did tell somebody off in the street actually actually, I am such a battle axe. I told some youths off on a bus a couple of months ago, but we talked about that.

And then the other day, it was quite early in the morning and I was just walking out to get a coffee, to get some steps in, but also to get some caffeine. And there was a bloke on the phone just talking really, really loudly in a business call in a quiet road. And I just said, can you just pipe down? a business call in a quiet road and i just said what can you just pipe down he looked absolutely astonished that i'd had the temerity to reference his wildly important existence yeah but you know if you're a prat yeah i just think about it yeah i think um were you outdoors at this point yes you went in a closed weren't in enclosed space. I wasn't in enclosed space at all. It was just being a public nuisance.

A total public nuisance. With his business call. I wonder if... Have you seen... I'm a bit of a... What would I call it? A bit of a nerd for space. I mean, it's ridiculous because I hate travel, but I'm really interested in space.

And so I've been watching a documentary on the BBC iPlayer about the Space Shuttle Columbia. Have you seen it? No I haven't. It's incredibly good I think the documentary is three of them and it's called The Space Shuttle That Fell to Earth and I do really recommend it because it's a very

it's not a sort of story of going boldly and science necessarily. It's about the humans who, you know, there's one young man in particular who lost his mother in the incident. And he is, it seems to me, and I've only watched the first episode,

that he's not really ever recovered. And he was such a young boy and he didn't want her to go. Oh, that's heartbreaking. He did tell her not to go. And she went because she was, look, a truly brilliant, accomplished woman who fully deserved her seat on the space shuttle but it obviously ended in the most tragic way imaginable anyway if anyone else has watched it i hope you're enjoying it as much as i am if you were given the

opportunity to go to space would you go no no no i mean i'm not that keen to go to where are we going into we went to latitude last. I found that quite a strain. They are very similar. Latitude and the moon. Well, there we are. But you're a much more adventurous person. Well, in fairness, everyone is more adventurous than I am. I don't really know. But that's what is so peculiar that I'm so interested in watching. I think it's the courage of other people.

But that's what is so peculiar that I'm so interested in watching. I think it's the courage of other people. I am absolutely in awe of their ability to just put all the obvious fears to one side and do it anyway. Yeah. And it is that thing about human endeavour, isn't it? Yeah. I think it's really sad that obviously the space programme hasn't been funded for so long,

in the same way that I think it's devastating that Concorde was taken out of service i know it was dangerous but it's sort of like we you know we were traveling faster than the speed of sound and now we don't just going backwards of it yeah i wonder are they not working on they are they are working on new supersonic having said that my at the time that concord was still flying my sister lived uh in ealing in west london and i used to visit her and there'd be a flight that would leave i think this is right it would leave heathrow for new york at about 10 to 5. and it was the the house shook the street shook yeah basically london shook um but yeah when you you get the bang yeah it was just extraordinary yeah but fabulous yeah um but apparently it's very cramped it was very small but quite glamorous did you go on it you get the bang. It was just extraordinary. Yeah. But fabulous. Yeah.

But apparently it's very cramped. It was very small, but quite glamorous. Did you go on it, Jane? No, I was far too young, Jane. I was just checking. I was a mere baby when they took it out of service. I did interview Elizabeth Hurley once

who told me that when she'd go for auditions or just even a day of filming sometimes in New York, they'd fly you over on Concorde. So you'd get there before you left and then they'd get a whole day of work out of you and then fly you over on Concord um so you'd get there before you left and then they'd get a whole day of work out of you and then fly you back on the red eye but she also told me that she used to smuggle sausages on Concord British sausages to America

which I really respect her for I won't ask where she put them let's do one more email before we get into our guests this afternoon this evening evening. No, whenever you're listening. Could be the middle of the night. Guys, I read a very important and serious one, which is about label makers, which our listener Jill says definitely still do exist. Apparently, though, they're much more sophisticated in appearance and performance.

They're more like a handheld gadget with a keyboard and an LCD screen now. So they're not the sort of clicky ones anymore. But she has a nine-year-old grandson, asked to be given one for Christmas a couple of years ago, but also set about naming every item in the house to which she could attach a label. And she says the black tape still smells exactly the same as it did

when she was a child. Oh, well, that's nice. So he's put a label on literally everything. Yeah, literally everything. It's important in your house, in your own house, to know what things are. Well, it is. Well, actually, it probably is.

So if you've got a bigger placenta than... Well, one that's just bigger scale, if you were more than 5'2 or less than 5'2. Yeah, that's right. Yes, but please no images. Just use all your words to do a describing letter. Take us through what it looked like. There's all bits of piping coming out of it.

And it sort of quivered a bit, I remember that. Voice Over describes what's happening on your iPhone screen. Voice Over on. Settings. So you can navigate it just by listening. Books. Contacts. Calendar. Double tap to open.

Breakfast with Anna from 10 to 11. And get on with your day. Accessibility. There's more to iPhone. Hi, it's Fido. Start the semester with a new phone and a plan full of data without breaking your budget. We have everything you need for an A-plus year. Come check out our special back-to-school offers.

They'll leave you with more cash in your pocket for the stuff you love. Select plans even include data overage protection so you can go all out without going over. Don't wait. Our back-to-school offers are only available for a limited time. Go to Fido.ca or a Fido store near you and save all semester long. Fido. At your side. The comedian Rosie Jones is on tour. Actually, it's for the first time, which surprised me. And she is going right across Britain.

So there is absolutely no excuse not to go and see Rosie. She is a trailblazer, a comedian, a writer, an actress. She has cerebral palsy which makes her talk a little bit slowly but it also means that she really makes herself heard on shows like 8 Out of 10 Cats and The Last Leg and QI. Now her next date on the current tour is this Saturday. She's in Salisbury. Not many tickets remaining there. Then she goes to Basingstoke, Cardiff, Birmingham, Northampton. She even plays Barnard Castle on the 12th of March. Barnard Castle always now screams to a British audience,

Cummings. An eyesight. An eyesight. An eyesight test. That was the destination of the Tory advisor who, during COVID, did the most brilliantly stupid thing anyone has ever claimed to do. He was worried about his eyesight as a result of a bout of Covid, so he went for a drive with his wife and kiddie.

In the middle of lockdown. In the middle of lockdown. Instituted by his government. There we are. So Barnard Castle will always resonate for those of us in the UK who were irritated by that very incident. She's there on the 12th of March. She finally ends her tour on the 25th of April in Swansea.

Now, the whole thing sounded really arduous to me, but Rosie quite simply loves the whole thing. Yeah, I think it is, but really, I am like this the whole time. I just wake up excited, happy, alert, and I've always been like this. I've always been a very happy lady. Well, that's a great gift. It's a great gift for you and it's great for the rest of the world.

So what sort of places are you visiting on this tour? Where are you now? Oh, I'm absolutely everywhere. I'm going to Brighton, Bristol, I'm going to Brighton, Bristol, Glasgow, Aberdeen, Dublin, Belfast. Basically, I am bouncing around the whole of the country like a very bouncy body. Brilliant. And I know that about your Brighton gig, you've advised the audience, Make her very bouncy body. Brilliant.

And I know that about your Brighton gig, you've advised the audience, I think the quote was, lock up your wives. What do you mean by that, Rosie? Honestly, no one makes me laugh more than myself. Brilliant. I say lock up your wives. That's a joke, but it's alluding to my very cheeky nature and basically it's going gonna be raucous yeah i imagine that brighton will be raucous for you um tell me about your acting career because obviously i'm a big fan of call the midwife

and i found the episode with you in it a couple of weeks ago now really moving um just for anyone who didn't see it, just explain what that was all about. Yes, so Colder Midwife, because it's been going for years now, we're into 1969 and I play a lady called Doreen who is pregnant and initially her mum thinks she's been abused because she's got cerebral palsy and that's a logical answer but but the truth is she fell in love with the piano tuner and actually it's a really lovely, sweet story. The reason I wanted to talk about that was because like the character's mum like doreen's mum i suppose as a lazy viewer i thought oh she will have been abused how terrible and so actually i was surprised and i'm just being honest that in fact it had been a completely loving consensual relationship and that's my bad isn't it that i I thought it was going to go one way and in fact

it was something else altogether yeah yeah and that is why I am such a keen actor because I want of disability because when I grew up there were very little depictions of disability. played a victim or someone vulnerable in need and that is certainly not my story and the story of millions of disabled people out there but we are very capable of love, of having sex, of having normal, healthy relationships. And I was really proud of that calling midwife story. Is it patronising, Rosie, for me to think of you as brave? And when I say that, I mean, I think of all stand-up comedians as brave because I think it requires, frankly, a most peculiar level of courage. It's a crazy thing to do. Yeah, it's interesting and I think like a lot of things in life, it's all about context.

So if you're calling me brave because you know who I am, what I do, what my job is, what I'm capable but I respect you believe in that because it quite of knowing me. Whereas if I step outside my door tomorrow a disabled lady walking towards her and goes, oh bless you, oh are Oh, they're so brave. No, absolutely not. That is so patronising. It's what the context is and what your intentions are by saying that. What do you want to achieve with your stand-up show? Do you want people to leave the show thinking different thoughts or thinking in a slightly different way about you or about people with cerebral palsy?

Or do you just want them to have a good night out? Basically, yes to everything. basically yes to everything. I think you can take my show however you want. So if you're having a crap day, you want to go switch off, have an hour or two, laughing your head off and you go away with an aching tummy and feeling a little bit better about yourself, good, I've done my job but alongside that I do talk about my disability. I do touch on how the current government treats disabled people. So, yeah, it really depends on what you want to take from my lovely little funny show. Rosie Jones and her tour is called Triple Threat. We love hearing you. No, we don't. Sorry, I've had a long day. By my standards. We love hearing from you, don't we, Jane don't. Sorry, I've had a long day. By my standards.

We love hearing from you, don't we, Jane? Absolutely. We love hearing from you. Yeah. But no pictures of placentas. I cannot make that any clearer. Please do let us know if you have thoughts on just about anything in your life. And if you are someone who quite literally lives next door to a relative,

I am interested in that. I can't deny that that is something that, I don't know, I mean, it's all a little bit Waltons for me. I mean, that was just loads of them in a big house. Yeah, it was a huge house. I'd be absolutely fine. Couldn't find each other. Oh, that's true. The house was enormous. But you did wonder about the queue for the bathroom at the Waltons. Yeah, you'd like to think they had a downstairs one as well. Well, Grandad wasn't, he wasn't a spring chicken, was he? No, he wouldn't make it up the stairs.

Let's not think about that too much. Any dreams about Jane Garvey? No, no. Claims of your pelvic floor? No. All of the above. Oh, pelvic floor. Love to hear them.

It's janeandfee at times.radio. That's my chair there. Are you all right, Faye? Genuinely, I think I might be to share that. Are you all right? Genuinely, I think I might be slightly losing it. Well done for getting to the end of another episode of Off Air with Jane Garvey and Fee Glover. Our Times Radio producer is Rosie Cutler and the podcast executive producer is Henry Tribe. And don't forget, there is even more of us every afternoon on Times Radio. It's Monday to Thursday, three till five.

You can pop us on when you're pottering around the house or heading out in the car on the school run or running a bank thank you for joining us and we hope you can join us again on off air very soon they'd be so silly running a bank i know lady listener sorry voiceover describes what's happening on your iphone screen voiceover on settings so you can navigate it just by listening books contacts calendar double tap to open breakfast with from 10 to 11 and get on with your day accessibility there's more to iphone