Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Have you got more juice in your Minge Lane tank?

Episode Date: September 28, 2026

It's the good ship Fi and Eve sailing out of port again, as Jane is in Liverpool with family. They cover performative reading, extensive plumbing, tap-water Pot Noodles, and why funny street names are the gift that keeps on giving... You can buy tickets to the Cheltenham Literature Festival here: www.cheltenhamfestivals.org/events/jane-garvey-and-fi-glover-with-anneka-rice You can check out our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/@OffAirWithJaneAndFi Our most asked-about book is called The Later Years by Peter Thornton. If you want to contact the show, ask a question or get involved in the conversation, please email us: [e-mail] Follow us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings everybody, happy Mondays all round. Today it is the Goodship, Eve and Fee, sailing out of port again. Destination unknown. How are you, Eve? Hi, Fee. I'm good, thank you. How are you? Yes, I'm very well. So Jane has gone up to Liverpool to be with Raimondo for this week. So Eve and I will be manning the helm.

Is that the right expression? I've got slightly fuzzy head at the moment. It's a Monday morning. I think it has to be the right. Yeah, okay, let's just say that. Everybody knows what we mean. And it will be lovely to have you on board for the rest of the week. We will just keep chuntering and chugging along, won't we? Yes, as we do. Yeah. Now, high excitement in the Cilla Department, my mum's neck of the woods, she was four miles away from the arrest outside of the area of Fairford. She's not the farmer who was driving down the dark country lane in the middle of the night with her husband asleep next door. After a party. Yeah, it's an important detail that's not been reported enough in the press.

She was obviously the designated driver. And good for her, because not only was she driving her asleep husband, and let's just say he was tired. Yes, I'm sure. Suggest that he was... Big work week. Yeah, Ben, he made very much.

Doing man things. Yes. Man things on the farm. I think she's the farmer, isn't she? And she was also dropping off a friend. But she had the perspicacity to think, No, there's something dodgy going on and I was amazed actually

that she phoned the Ministry of Defence line first. But didn't. And they didn't pick up. Nauty, naughty. So she then phoned the police and she may have averted a absolutely massive tragedy. Yeah, you have to be processing

and taking in a lot of information and then making solid deductions. Yes, really quickly. In the middle of the night, down a dark country lane on your own because the men in the car have fallen asleep. but just phenomenal actually and also she doesn't want to be named

and good for her is the kind of thing that I think a lot of us would just drive away and convince ourselves that actually no no no even though I have a weird feeling it's not actually anything doggy I'm just going to go home and keep myself to myself well I think I'd be absolutely terrified

and I think she did see so she saw these three vans big white vans down a dark country lane slightly blocking a junction everybody around ARIA has been told to watch out for odd behaviours and that's why they have this Ministry of Defence line. So she thought that that was odd and then when she was driving back down the lane that she hadn't intended

to at first take, she saw some men by the side of the road. Some of them had balaclavas on and disappeared off into the woods. But I just would have been bricking myself so much. So unsettling, yeah. And I just would dial 999 straight away, which turns out everybody should just done 999 straightway because if the Minister of Defence aren't going to answer that line, there's absolutely soddle point in having it. Yep. Which is a slightly worrying thing, isn't it? On a Friday night, they're at a party.

But what an amazing woman. I bet she's an absolutely brilliant farmer. I bet she can birth lambs. I bet she keeps small piglets in the bottom right hand part of the Arga. And I bet the local WhatsApp group chat is something else. It was lit up. Yeah, what a lady. wonder at which point her husband woke up.

I know. So, oh, have I missed something? No, darling. No, darling. Back to sleep, don't worry. Anyway, let's not actually cast aspersions because I'm sure they take it in turns to do the designated driving and the spotting of major, major, potentially horrendous terrorist attacks, allegedly. So my mum, though, obviously she lives on her own and she is in her 80s and she's a redoubtable force.

but, you know, it is frightening to think that you, through absolutely no fault of your own, lie in a line of danger. And, you know, I think that we all need to have a bit of think about that at the moment, don't we? And how many things are maybe being thwarted around you that we don't always know about? Yes, that's a very good point, young Eve. And do you not think that sometimes in order to really concentrate our minds about the, threats that are out there, it might be helpful to know a bit more about what gets stopped. Because sometimes I think when politicians talk about, you know, the threat from Russia,

we don't really understand what that is because the images that we see of the violence against Ukraine can still feel like they're a long way away. And we are separated, you know, by a sea at the very least. But I think actually if we did know some of the things that evil, nasty people have planned, that the security services have saved us from, it would make us realise, wouldn't it? It's not fires in the sky, it's four miles away from your age-year-old mother.

No, definitely, definitely. There's so much talk about prepping at the moment as well, isn't that? Good job, Jane's not here. I know, I know. So does it fall on slightly deaf ears for the young? Is your shared household got a special prep cupboard? We absolutely do not. No, I think it does fall on quite deaf ears.

is. Yeah, I don't know if there's maybe a little bit of a head in the sand. I don't know what it is, but it definitely isn't something that's not a conversation that's happening in my circles. No. And I do worry for your generation. Well, you should. Because apart from anything else, you're just going to be so hungry. You know, you often are with the blood sugar level crashing a little bit on the Monday mornings. And yeah, you won't be able to just, you know, pop out for a pot noodle. Although pot noodles would make quite good prep food No they wouldn't because they'd need hot water

Have you ever tried to make a pot noodle with just warmish water From a bathroom tap? I actually have And it just doesn't quite work No you have to wait for ages For it to break down And then there's still just grit in the bottom We've all been there, darling

What's a bonding moment this has turned out to be It's a low moment So now you've got to get things you've got to get things that are okay to eat cold. And actually when we talked about this before on Times Radio, we had an app properly, properly peak Times Radio moment when we were discussing what alcohol you should have in your prep cupboard and somebody called in so you should definitely have red wine

because obviously the white wine wouldn't be properly chilled. So I just give that two for three. It's fair point. That's great. Right, so we're here. We are here for you. And as Imogen points out in an email, we are here for it. All this week, we remain Jane and Fee at times.

Radio. And obviously, we send Ray loads and loads of love. And we hope that Jane and Alison are doing all right. And we will keep you posted. This one then from Imogen, who says, hello, Jane and Fee. I just want to thank you for creating such a safe space. Now, this is what the safe space is for. It's another conversation about plumbing.

and she does enter email by saying that she sent it, safe in the knowledge, that Asfi says you're here for it, and we very much are. I was mildly berating myself for mentally drafting an email, which responded to the discussion about Victorian plumbing. I live in a large, slightly oddly designed house built in 1893, and the option of putting in an onsuit is complicated and made very expensive by the fact that the pipes would have to run the length of the house up in the loft

before joining the soil pipe on the other end of the house, both a macerator and a big poo slide would be required. No other options available. I mean, that is, it's almost worth just having a commode. Also, Imager moves swiftly onto public footpaths. My husband is an ordnance survey fanatic, and we've spent many hours over the years hacking through brambles on unused public footpaths

and completely ignoring private signs where people decide that they don't like the proximity of a public footpath bride, away to their property. It happens more often than you think and it is really annoying. Now that was off the back of the conversation that we were having about Pippa Middleton and her husband and they've got a pile. She's got a bridal way that they've managed to have closed. Yeah. So there's no more public access. And one of our lovely listeners had pointed out that if they wanted their privacy, this wasn't the way to go about it because now it was a feature on national news programs.

in papers quite often with a map accompanied. So, yes, it was something. Of their vast grounds. It was a Pyrrhic victory. So do you know what? The lovely kind of rambling and the ordnance survey stuff, I think is one of the great fortays of our countryside, actually. And I know that the right to Rome is different in Scotland

and it is more liberating. But there is nothing more glorious, I think, especially at this time. of year than to go and find a really lovely footpath that is encrusted with blackberry bushes and that type of stuff in the dappled autumn sunlight as long as it gets a bit colder eve because we've got another 25 degree Tuesday tomorrow yes you have to take that jumper on I know I'm already feeling quite warm and the aircon's all the way down in this room yes and it I think it's going into the following week as well there's sunshine one of our listeners didn't want us to carry on talking about how warm it was in the south

because it is cold in Scotland and our apologies. But we want to keep talking about it because it's just very strange. And it needs flagging up. We need to be thinking about our weather all the way through the year. We're heading into October. And that should be properly in the autumnal patch. Yep. But it isn't.

Yeah, although it does definitely mean cheaper energy bills, doesn't it? I was looking at my direct debit facility only this morning, Eve, and thinking, well, that's less than it usually is. You don't not convince by that Well, yeah I don't know if that's worth it No No

But also it's that It's a very kind of Weird And painful way of assessing it Isn't it? Yeah Climate Change It's just a lose lose

Yes Yeah but it's cost us And then it's cost us again But then we might get a discount this year No it doesn't add up at all Smutty Street names Macerators and the Arches Wow

or cup runneth over comes from, well you say may or may not be better to keep me anonymous, you decide. Actually, I'm going to take this jumper off. Okay, right. Have you got something underneath? Yes, I do. Okay, thank goodness for that.

It's not that kind of podcast. Emma, we're just going to name you. I don't think you need to remain anonymous for these things. My listening and re-listing has been a bit haphazard of ladies. I've been unwell. Well, we're sorry to hear that, and I hope you're on the mend now. So you may know. longer be accepting smutty street names.

I can't imagine we'll ever stop. Thank you. But I felt I had to share Crotch Crescent. A friend's sister lives there, surely an address everybody aspires to share on forms. Now on to things plumbing and waste related. I used to live in a duplex apartment in which the bathroom was below ground level. And so required a macerator for the loo bath and basin, something to do with water pressure and or gravity from memory.

Either way, we're talking hard. core maceration. My then partner had inflammatory bowel disease, that is no laughing matter, and I was frequently woken by the dulcet tones of a lengthy maceration, followed by the bath filling, and the theme to the archers is entertainment of choice while soaking. Said apartment was one of nine in a converted manor house and outbuildings in the middle of nowhere, so we also had a septic tank, and this was regularly emptied by a woman in a bubblegum pink truck with a plus-sized poo hoover. septic tanks are not to be trifled with so we have to advise visitors

that the loo was only peepoo and paper friendly and if anything else must be bagged and binned what a way to get a party started well that's just fantastic detail and isn't that great so you would have thought that actually if your business was the emptying of the contents of septic tanks you might want to kind of I don't know not not advertise that but then again why not

Why not? Why not be the very, very bright pink, bubble gum pink truck with a great big poo hoover? No shame. No shame at all in any of those things. Emma's gained very in-depth knowledge. You've had a lot of maceration. You're coming to see us in Cheltenham,

so I very much hope that you pop along and say a proper hello. We were talking about books, weren't we, and young men reading books. and we haven't come to any conclusions, have we? We haven't yet. There are quite a few emails in the inbox for us to get through. But no, we haven't really landed or anything solid. No.

Well, that's unfortunate worth putting us up to the last conversation, isn't it, Eve? If your mind got stuck on the macerator? Okay. Oh, I'd have to watch you this week. No, we haven't settled. No. Settled. It's a bit stuck.

No. No? Stop it. I can bring in some figs from my fig tree. Oh yes, I do. I just had an enormous, enormous summer. It just can't stop itself now, actually. So no, we haven't decided on a title for the next book club.

And actually, we should probably also say, if we're doing parish notices, that we probably don't need any more autumn tracks. Yes, I think it's full. Rosie hasn't actually got the playlist live yet, but I do think that when she gets around to it, we're going to have more than enough. Yeah, and it's definitely got to have autumn in the title

because by the time we get it up there, it won't be September any longer. That's also true. You didn't land on a decision, did you? Oh, I'm just going to go in with September morn. I'm going to just have to hope that Neil Diamond has closed his kissing booth. And, I mean, you know, these were women who wanted to be kissed by Neil Diamond of their own volition. So I kind of think, okay. And, yes, I'm going to retain my love of Neil Diamond.

and if that's okay. I think that's okay. Yeah. But if anything else comes to light, I'm going to retract that. That's fine. Yeah. This comes from Imogen and it's just fantastic. It's called Book Club Fail.

I've got three boys aged between 23 and 26, so I thought I'd see if they could help with the book club choice. See Attach the depressing excerpt from our family chat and the memes that were posted by my daughter. Now, we need to know these following statistics. Rory is a 26-year-old graduate working for a charity. Hugo is my 23-year-old son and Archie, my 22-year-old nephew, both philosophy graduates. And they do read, but almost exclusively men.

I'm trying to get them to read more things by women, but the book I bought for H to take on his travels recently didn't make it into the case. So we're going to examine the family WhatsApp, which goes like this. Quick question. Boys, is there any book that's currently on your radar that other men are reading, that feels like it's being marketed to you and you know people your age are reading in coming from Rory. No, I don't think I've ever seen a man reading a book.

Incoming from Imogen. Hugo and Archie, Rory, they probably just do it performatively. And then there's this lovely piss-taking meme that actually I've seen myself it is of a couple of boys, I would say, not boys, I think they're probably 20-something, young 20-something men.

And they're standing on a street corner queuing for something. And one of them is reading a book. And the legend on the meme is, what is going on in East London? And then there's another one that you sent us a very, very beautiful picture of a young man reading a book. And he doesn't look very happy. It is definitely a thing.

But maybe that's part of the problem is accusing young men of performatively reading. Because then they just can't win. They cannot. But it is definitely a bit of a thing that is part of the trendy set in East London where you'll see a man with a yellowing paperback shoved into his back jean pocket.

Yeah, it's the Penguin Classic. Yeah. That is popping out. Somewhere above the socks and crocks. Sox and crocs and line bikes, it's just a terrifying combination, Eiff. It shouldn't be allowed at all. But do you know what?

Back in the day when we were all in our 20s, I don't remember the big. lots of books scattered around our shared student house being read by boys. So I don't remember any of the girls reading very much either actually. Yeah, let's not be too pejorative. Thank you for sending that though, Imogen. That was just fantastic. And also, I would just say in Rory's defence,

I think he's slightly kind of winding us all up, isn't he? Yes. So good for him. Do you feel that you've got more Minge Lane in you, Eve? Yes. Okay. We're going to HR after this. Katie has sent us an article from the Worcester News.

And Katie's PS is for Jane, and we'll ask her when she's back. It's Jane, when you were working in Worcester, did you ever make it to wire Piddle? That's a name that always makes me smile too. So Minge Lane has now had a concrete sign applied to it because they are so fed up, they being the residence of the sign being nicked all of the time, So the way that they've got about it,

we did have from an earlier correspondent that they'd just put it on a piece of cardboard before. But now they've decided to make a concrete thing that you just can't take. But I mean, any... So this is just such a gift of a story to a local newspaper because they can just delve into the archives

and find lots of other fantastic names. And the Worcester News has done exactly that. Minge Lane in Upton-Pon-Upon-Sever. and Worcestershire features on the list of one of the UK's readers' place names and a new survey alongside the likes of sluts hole lane in Norfolk, sandy balls in the new forest and Shitterton and Dorset. They don't stop there. Derbyshire's Fanny Avenue, Cox in Cornwall and Wetwagon, Yorkshire.

Give people a laugh, according to the poll. I think that's a poll. That's a poll. Oh, yeah. No, there's a poll. I mean, this is the kind of clickbait that's keeping local news going. Britain's Ruder's place names According to Asda Money

Why have they got involved So what do you submit the one near you And then the ones that get the most submission appear on the list Oh I don't know what the criteria for the survey was Or are they already there and you click if it makes you laugh Okay hang on a set I had absolutely no idea that you're going to ask me

A supplementary question about this Right just say Could you just tell people some things for a couple of seconds That are of interest maybe guests coming up I'm just going to give this quick speed read. Yes, this week. Tomorrow, Fee's going to chat to Matthew Sweet, who has written a wild biography on the life of Barbara Cartland

that Fee has been absolutely loving. So that's going to be a really fun conversation. Wednesday, there will be no podcast, actually, because that's Fee's day off and Jane's not here. And then we will both be back on Thursday with a conversation with Leanne Moriarty that Fee's already done. That was Fab, too. And Leanne's a fan of the podcast.

So her and Fee were just on. a fabulous wavelength. Brilliant. Thank you very much indeed. You've done that very well. Very, very well indeed. This is because as to car insurance, bear with us everybody, visited some of Britain's most distracting roads this month, temporarily putting green velvet modesty curtains over the signs in a bid to help keep drivers' eyes on the roads. And as a consequence of this, they've done Britain's rudest place names under the great big banner of Asda Money because six in ten people, 60% had missing their turn or exit

due to laughing at some of these names. That's quite a high statistic. Isn't it? Also, I'd be quite distracted by some Astda green velvet curtains though as well. Well, but good on them for being slightly more imaginative. Yep. I mean, look at them. We've just given them some publicity.

Yep, yep. So good for you. So would you like the top 10? Please. Here we go. Okay. We're going to go from 10 to 1. So in at number 10.

Fanny Avenue in Darbyshire. 9. Slag Lane, Merseyside. Number 8, Cocker-Dibby-Barkshire. Number 7, Sandy Ball's, New Forest. Dung-dung-dung-dung. In at number 6. Minge Lane in Worcestershire.

In at number 5. The knob in Northamptonshire. In at number four, twat. which is apparently a place on Orkney In at number three Bell End in Rowley Regis In at number two Butthole Lane, Leicestershire

And in at number one Sluts Hole Lane in Norfolk Right Let's try to get back on track What's ridiculous about that is when you read out there I now have a little soft spot for Minge Lane Yes Because I'm familiar with it

Me too And actually I'm surprised it's not higher up No Justice for Minge Lane Oh my God I mean it just goes on and on It goes on and on. No, we can't.

We can't do any more. Let's just look, they've got 35 names. Oh, some of them are just lovely. In at number 32, Nicky Nacky Lane. Oh. Yeah, which is in Surrey. You've got a penis stone in South Yorkshire. We've got the slack bottom in West Yorkshire.

And Titty-ho in Northamptonshire. So, there are some ones I've not got. I just can't read them out, actually. It's just completely lost it. It's also, you don't mind you you wanted to get out to hear John Healy speaking. Yes, I do. I've got to do a really, really serious show, debriefing, the new chancellor. And I'm just, yeah, I'm now going to be thinking about Pratt's Bottom.

Oh, we live in a wonderful country, don't we? We're very silly. Very, very, very silly. If you live abroad and we know that many of our listeners do, have you got the same thing going on? I reckon Australia must have some good ones. I bet it does. Yeah. And obviously most of them will be lost on us as we carry our English speaking sensibilities around the world. And there's an opportunity for you to do some accents.

No. Although I did ask Leanne Moriarty about the accents. Because, I mean, she's like Australian royalty. And she said, they're fine. Well, there you have it. Yeah. If it's right for Leanne. And, I mean, I think she was being polite. I don't think she wanted the whole podcast done in my ridiculous. accent but we might let a couple just slip through slip back in yeah yeah do you have an email

that you would like to finish on fee did a fabulous interview with may musk on thursday the mother of elon musk she's got a memoir out this comes in from penny who was not best pleased with fee she didn't think it was fabulous at all i have to say after listening to your interview with may musk i wonder why you bothered i found it totally disrespectful to an elderly lady You clearly can't interview Elon so you interrogate his mother. It's also obvious you don't like him and your questions made me cringe,

especially asking how many grandchildren she has by Elon. I would have preferred to have heard a more in-depth interview about May and her life and book, which is what the interview was advertised as. I do like to listen to your podcast, but maybe just remember that not everyone dislikes the same people you do.

Over to you, Fee. Well, I completely take your point of view on board. I would say a couple of things about it. In May Musk's book, she talks about Elon a lot and he is one of the reasons why we are interviewing her and why people are buying that book. So anything that was in the book

was absolutely fair game to ask her about. He is one of the most influential men on the planet at the moment. And he's also incredibly divisive and some of his reposting of tweets that may not even be borderline in terms of the message that they're sending out, have caused an awful lot of bother. He is also supportive of far-right political parties in other countries, and he is definitely trying to stir things up in this country,

even though he has not been to Oldham ever. And the last time that he visited the UK, I think, was three years ago. He saw fit to get involved in Oldham's businesses. So I think it's not really a question of disliking somebody. It's a question of making the most of an opportunity to talk to someone who is very close to the person who's doing all of those things. It would be amazing if we could interview Elon Musk. Jane and I would absolutely love to talk to him.

And one of the things that we would also want to talk about because it's very much kind of on brand for this podcast is the number of children he has because he's said to believe in something I think it's called prone. natalism where you want to procreate a lot. You want to have a lot of your own children in the world. And I find that very interesting. Aside from anything else, that might be available to men

and in a way it's not available to women. I mean, during my years of fertility, I would only ever have been able to have, what, 15 children if I had one every two years. So it's just weird. I think the notion that you want to have more children than you can name on both hands in your life and whether or not you actually get to see them,

what you're doing it for. So that was the question about the grandchildren. So those would be my reasons wanting to ask May Musk about her son. I have enormous respect for a woman who left a clearly, horrendously abusive and violent marriage. And I hope that you'll at least agree that she was able to really talk about that side of her life. And I hope that she was able to talk about it, you know, in a respectful way. I'm not going to condemn her for that at all. But other things that she's gone on to do afterwards, I think, if I had a younger relative who'd given a Nazi salute,

had gone and talked to the AFD, would I want to at least acknowledge that and try and explain it? Yeah, I probably would. So that's my thought process. We don't always interview people that we like. Quite often we're talking to people we don't like very much and it would be a weird matrix if we only ever book people who we really loved for the podcast.

So do be critical of our interviews, but that would be my justification for talking to May Musk. I found it an incredibly difficult interview to do. Well, yes. It was live. Yep. And you do only have 15 minutes and you're trying to cover a lot of ground.

It's a whole massive book. She's documenting her life, her relationship to this man. And you have 15 minutes to get through all of it. I felt it went on a bit. No, I probably did. Probably did. It wouldn't be the first time.

No, it wouldn't be the first time. Oh, my God, you're here. Maybe you could edit it down for me. Right, we would love you to carry on emailing us this week. We will send all of your dearest thoughts up to Jane in Liverpool. We would love to hear your thoughts about a book that's being read by young men.

It doesn't actually have to be something that is currently being read by young men. If there's something that you know really touch the heart of a young man in your life, then bung that towards us. We just want to read something that we wouldn't usually automatically reach for, something that shows us a different perspective

and something that is going to provide quite good kind of stuff to talk about. You know the score. Jane and Fee at times dot radio. Happy Monday. Congratulations. You've staggered somehow to the end of another off-air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale. And if you listen to this, you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online, on DAB, or on the free Times Radio app.

It's produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.