Off Air... with Jane and Fi - His bottom is quite a well known footballing entity...

Episode Date: June 15, 2026

It's Monday! Jane and Fi are casting looks of reverie, and lucky for you, we've got it all on camera: https://www.youtube.com/@OffAirWithJaneAndF Jane's been to some jazzy jazz, and Fi's been blasting Dua Lipa. They chat Austrian birth certificates, parrot farts, mini meat thermometers, and they don't discuss a man's botty! Plus, the results of the office sweepstake are in... Some recommendations from today's episode: the film 'My Favourite Cake', and the TV shows 'Peelers: The PSNI for Real' and 'Rooster'. You can buy tickets for Fringe by the Sea: https://www.fringebythesea.com/off-air-with-jane-fi-and-special-guest-jan-ravens/ Our next book club pick will be a collection of short stories! 'Interpreter of Maladies' is by Jhumpa Lahiri.  You can check out our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/@OffAirWithJaneAndFOur new playlist 'Coiled Spring' is up and running: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4tmoCpbp42ae7R1UY8ofzaOur most asked about book is called 'The Later Years' by Peter Thornton. If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So you've got to the age where what? I'm afraid I can't name a single song by Julie. I'm really sorry for me. What should I know? No, it's just I've got, let's get physical as an earworm today. If I, if I sung it to you, which I'm not going to. Well, is that her cover of the seminal work by Olivia? No, but it's slightly, I think she did the video in a kind of homage to that.

That was quite a tune, wasn't it from Olivia Newton John? Wasn't it one of the ones that was banned? I think probably it was a little bit too frisky. Yes, I think it was. I think it was banned from top of the pops. Yeah. Banned from top of the pops. We now know that most of the people who presented top of the pops should have been banned from top of the pops.

But anyway. Very much so. There may have been some gyrating. But then that wouldn't really explain why Legs and Coe and Hot Gossip were allowed because they were always suggestively gyrating. Well, it was something for the dads, wasn't it? That was all. You were literally meant to tap. your dad who was in the lounge but behind the paper at the point that Pans people came on.

Pans people. You're really going back. Oh, I am really going. Well, I do go. That's where we started. Anyway, welcome to this visualised edition of Off Air with Jane and Fee. We hope you had good weekends. The dance troops were in there so that they could still play a song when they couldn't get the band, weren't they?

That's right. Yes. It flies on you. So it wasn't even because, you know, people did think that dance was a worthy, a company I think as people like dance. A little bit of ACDC. If the band were touring the States, then Pans people would move seamlessly into position

and reinterpret their work. Yes. And it really was a reinterpretation, wasn't it? I loved it. Absolutely loved it. Really? No, I didn't at all. How was your weekend?

It was very good in places. And I just want to say that I absolutely, and I'm a complete, I know nothing about jazz, so I need to make that very clear. But I did go to Ronnie Scott's jazz. Jazz Club on Thursday night and I was in the presence of a man I now know to be an absolute jazz legend. But when the tickets were booked, I'm afraid I didn't know this. Now I do. His name is Billy Cobham and he is the most astonishing drummer. Apparently he goes way back, played with Miles Davis. I thought

he was doing really well for a bloke in his early 60s, my age, only to discover he was actually 82 and still is, unless he's had his 83rd birthday. So Billy, you are. You are. You are. You are. You are, a class act. Fabulous. It was great. The sweat was pouring off him, but he just kept up that phenomenal pace for about 90 minutes.

Incredible. Do you think there's something about jazz in particular that does really, really keep people alive? Maybe. Because as a genre, it does have astonishingly old people still playing. At the top of their game.

Yeah. Maybe there is something in that. I mean, there were, you know more about music me. There were tennis saxophones and altar saxophones. Big ones and smaller ones. Smaller ones. Different octaves.

And trombones. Different different octaves. Yes. Okay. So some of that would have been lost on me, but I do love to see people play music live like that, and it was astonishing. What kind of jazz? Well, what kind of jazz?

I would say it was jazz. Jazz jazz. Jazzy jazz. At times, very jazzy. Maybe it was just good jazz. There was one of the saxophonists. At one point, while someone else was doing a solo, went off into his own kind of reverie. It's quite a small venue if you've ever been there, you'll know this.

So you're very close to the musicians. And I just, I really admired his ability to kind of both look zoned out, but immensely appreciative of the work of another artist. Somebody, in fact, he was sitting next to him. Could, Madam, display this look? It was kind of like a little. But like when you're really doing a cracking anecdote, I want to do that. I want to just look both absolutely on message with you.

This is where visualization is just going to come into it. Well, let's hope it done. So let's, if you're doing a particularly good anecdote or email, I'm going to give the look. Well, the Lost in Music look. Yes, incredible reverie. Yeah. But I'm going to be thinking of great, great, great other moments on the podcast that we've shared together. Well, I'm very glad you had a lovely time.

Was it very late? Was it late night? No. No, it wasn't. Was it decent? It was a supper jazz. See, it started at Hoppers 5. Supper jazz?

Yeah. So I was eating mash in a restaurant by half eight. Yeah. Which is absolutely ideal for me. Dinner jazz is a thing, isn't it? What you can have it. But that's background jazz, isn't it? Yes.

This was full on noise racket, I'm going to say at times. But a brilliant racket. Yeah. Well, how lovely. So when you go again, has this? started a great new vein of entertainment and culturalness. I feel, again, on the cusp of sounding ignorant, I do love to see jazz being played,

but I still don't think I'd listen to it in the peace and tranquility of my chambers at home. What about you? I would do both, but I don't know enough about jazz to know exactly what to put on at home. So, you know, I'm probably, you know, know, one of those people that true jazz aficionados can't stand, who will just go for the

Spotify playlist. Acabilk. Or Miles Davis. Yeah. And I think that probably does, does that annoy jazz musicians more than other musicians? Well, let's not worry about them. I don't know. Yeah. But no, I sometimes find it, if I need to be actually doing something at home, then I would

put on some jazz because I don't find it, I don't sing along like with Julepa. You know, I'm not going to come away with an earworm that I can't shift for days and days. What is the message of her song, Let's Get Physical? You've been around on the planet. No, well, I've seen a few images of her on honeymoon. Yes. Which did make me laugh. They may have played that track every life.

Yeah, well, maybe. There was some breathless copy in one of the tabloids that said they really did seem really keen on each other. I mean, honestly, there's no hope for you if you can't display. a bit of affection on your honeymoon. Yes, on your great big... We're here to tell you, it doesn't get any easier. Well, it might get easier for other people. Sorry, that's true.

There is a fantastic... There's a fantastic picture that was doing the rounds in the tabloids. It wouldn't have been published in something as wonderful as the Times, which tended to do endless pieces about the fact that her husband is possibly the future James Bond.

That was the way in to showing lots and lots of pictures. of Juleba's bottom because the tabloids... Well, how would that help him get the job? It doesn't really matter, does it? It just enables us to talk about it. You talk bottoms, I've got to mention John McGinn. Okay, yes.

Scored for Scotland. I mean, they... With his bottom? I don't think it was with his bottom this time, but his bottom is quite a well-known footballing entity. And he's a great player, actually. Seriously, he's a great player.

This isn't about talking about a man's body. It's just about acknowledging he's a great player. That is a way to start. Scotland have somehow overcome all-conquering Haiti to win by one golden. Who got Scotland in the office sweepstake? Can you remember? I can't remember actually. No.

So you got Croatia, a team that you love to support anyway. Yeah, absolutely, yes. Well, my children are 25% Croatian heritage. Yeah, so no, that's good. So that gives me something to cling on to. But you got, I mean, you've really locked out because what did you get? I got Saudi Arabia. I mean, it's not even.

It's not even a team that I can politely clap. No, I just. You really can't. John Pinole got France. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I know.

We did the draw, we should say, as we drew some attention to that last week. And it was curiously more nerve-wracking than I'd expected. Yes. And also I felt that we disappointed people. Oh, I think we did because we weren't particularly funny. No, we weren't funny at all. You read out the territories. Yeah, I read out the countries.

And I read out the name. No, no, we did it rather briskly because we both just wanted to go home. Well, it was the end of quite a long. It's not in the spirit of... Yes, and also when we're not on the clock, I'm afraid, there's no nuance to our delivery at all. I was a little bit worried also about offending workmates by not being able to pronounce their surnames properly. Because I don't really know anybody's surnames at Times Radio, because you don't, do you? You don't use them.

No, I mean, we don't traditionally refer to people. We don't sit in meetings where, you know, people are fully identified. But it's not a prep school in the 1950s, isn't it? No. Exactly. No. So I just thought, oh my gosh, I could really, really offend somebody here. And so I hope I didn't.

Oh, I don't think. But time will tell. I think there have been a couple of resignations and there were a few tears, but I wouldn't worry too much. Right. Should we do correspondence? Yes. Yes. I'd like to start with Belinda.

So in brackets, and this is important and relevant to the actual ballast of what she's got to tell us, Jane. She is a B-A-M-A-M-I-T-I-L and C-L. I know two of those. We know the beginning ones, but the rest of them. No idea. Belinda says, listening to your discussion on national service, I wanted to chime in with our son's experience. Austria still has national service

and the majority of young men, and it is only men, although women can also do a voluntary social year. Would you rather pick up a gun? Well, I wonder how many do volunteer. Yeah. Spend either six months in the army or nine months carrying out civilian service,

which is what our son's doing. He's currently working for the Red Cross and after a few months of intensive training is now qualified paramedic. Well, that's brilliant. Yes, as well as going out with the ambulance with more experienced paramedics, he also transports patients to him from hospitals or doctor's appointments. It's been a brilliant experience for him so far, exposing him to a wide variety of situations and people that he'd never come across otherwise and he finds it extremely rewarding.

I bet. Yes. I mean, it is, it's often dismissed very complex. quickly as a slightly kind of silly notion in this country to bring back some form of national service. But all of that training, getting out and about, meeting people in the adult world, what's the downside of that? Well, there isn't one as far as I can see. I'd like to know whether young women could also train as a parametist. Why would they, what's the female version refer? So the female version is a voluntary social year. Right. Does that mean you just go out to a lot of

afternoon teas. Well, I presume it might have a crossover with what the men are doing because they have this choice of civilian service or going into the army. So Belinda, I know you're very busy because of all of those letters after your name, but if you've got time to tell us a bit more, we'd be grateful. On another topic, hearing how babies are no longer automatically given their father's surname on Dutch birth certificates, it made me think about Austrian birth certificates and let's all think about Austrian birth certificates. God, it's been ages since I indulge myself by thinking about them. Yes, tell me more. Take your face to that place of reverie. Yes, I will. Austrians are very much into their academic titles, using them at every possible opportunity

and not just in professional context. Not surprisingly, there's a separate line on Austrian birth certificates for the parents' titles, slightly more surprising. There's also a line for the baby's academic titles. Wow. I mean, talk about a prodigy. And professional qualifications. I can only assume this is because these can be added at a later date if somebody has their birth certificate reissued. I see a large number of Austrian birth certificates in my line of work as a translator, but have yet to come across one with anything entered in this field. Now, the idea that you could go back and be something a little bit different if you apply for your birth certificate later in life is intriguing, isn't it? Would you bother getting another

birth certificate so you could include your degree qualification? No, not at all. But in fact, I did apply for a copy of my birth certificate because I needed it for something this year. And I'd never seen it before and I think it might have been somebody's first day at the office because there are quite a few mistakes that are crossed out. It's obviously typed because I'm of that age and my father's profession was originally typed in as endurance manager and then crossed out to insurance manager. Endurance well but there was something in that I think at times in his life. But it's weird. You see it. And some of the address was a bit wrong.

And a couple of other things just had one of those type X's poster. I mean, everyone has their first day, don't they? Yes. Yeah. And I guess they won't have known. I mean, isn't it touching that they won't have known when they wrote out a certificate? This would be an anecdote. You'd go on to become a podcaster.

It's just amazing, isn't it? It is. Yeah. But funny in Austria, if you've gone back and felt the need to add who you've become, on a piece of paper that is about how you started. Yeah. Maybe. Well, actually, no.

Somebody would be arrogant enough to tell us, wouldn't they? Does it say something about the Austrian mindset? I don't know. You're going there on holiday. Yes, I'll ask you. Why don't you sniff around and find out what's going on there? I very much like this from Sarah. I think we're allowed.

Yes, we are allowed to call Sarah Sarah. She went to the Hay Festival for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Now, it's a first time at the Haye Festival for Sarah. Due to various life events, I'm on a restricted budget, so it only went to four things. After hearing Jane's declaration that the things we never say by Elizabeth Strout is one of the best books she's ever read. The Elizabeth Strout interview was a must, but it was sold out, which I'm not surprised, to be honest. It was an extremely hot day. The interview was fascinating, and Elizabeth got a standing ovation.

Oh, great, so you did see it. That's brilliant. Okay. The reason I'm emailing, and believe me, you've touched a nerve here, Sarah. Fee will relate to this as much as me and as much as you, is that I've got to be in my bonnet, she says, on the day. I wanted to find a fellow fan of off-air. Now, there's a very definite type at the festival, says Sarah.

We know that type, don't we? A waitress shopping bag carrying, Bowdoin or Hobbs wearing, Radio 4 listening type. Do you know what I mean, she asks? Very much so. We do. And in some ways, I'm no stranger to Bowden and Hobbs. I have been to wait trays within living memory. And I do occasionally even listen to Radio 4. So I'm not mocking that crowd because in some ways I am that crowd. But there's a but. Yes. I think that crowd has supported both of us on our journey. 100%. Yes. 100%. So we're not knocking them. But what I do find irritating is that there is sometimes a bit of a, there's a link between.

people who listen exclusively to that radio network and a kind of an assumption that they are, in fact, Britain's most informed, intellectual, right-thinking folk. And I find that annoying. Do you understand what I mean? Well, yes, I do. Because I think there's a world of audio wonder out there. Yes.

There's some great stuff done by other networks, but that's no reason not to explore the wonderful world of commercial radio and other alternatives. Yeah. And I know exactly what you. mean because they can be and by no means all of them. Gosh, I mean, I'll tell you what,

this anecdote is so littered with caveats. It's almost impossible to get to it. It's caveat heavy. But plow on, I'm with you. I'm pushing you through. Yeah, we've been pebble dash with caveats. But the thing that's weird is that all of the people who listen to Radio 4 would, not all of them,

some of them would imagine themselves to have the broadest minds possible because they listen to Radio 4. And I completely agree. agree with your point that actually they can sometimes have the narrowest of minds because they are only listening to one radio station. It's really, really good to bounce around. And you and I, I know we are quite, both of us quite nerdy and we will listen to... We're a little bit audio friendly. We are, yes. And we will have listened to 15 different outlets before we leave the house in the morning. Not everyone's like that. I take it. But Sarah,

I hear you and I see those people. What she was irritated by... She couldn't find anyone else who'd heard of us. And then she did, but a couple of people thought we'd passed away. That's crushing now. That is quite crushing. Anyway, she did finally alight on one individual who has been listening to Off Air and someone else who was quite keen to give it a well, now she knows it exists. So, Sarah, you're doing valiant work.

Thank you for flying the flag at the Hay Festival. And just, yeah, I feel for you because you're right to alert us to that type. but as my colleague has caveatly pointed out we owe you a lot when we are in many ways we are those people oh God very much so I used to work for waitrose and I've worked for Radio 4 for a very very long time

and I think you've been to Hobbs and I don't think I've bought anything from Hobbs haven't you okay too I have and I can't fit into Bowden because Bowden is made for taller more slender women I think it's a different gene pool isn't it? Bowdoin does not allow for curves

and bubage no I think it's for taller hearty people who probably played in the first 11. Very much so, yes. And not just the blokes, I'm talking about the women as well. You know, the good lacrosse players. Yeah, and I've often seen stuff, you know, it comes across my algorithm because social media assumes that I would shop at Bowden.

That tells you everything you need to know. And I just can't do it. There's sewing costumes in particular. They're just for... Just not enough for you. Yeah. No. Right.

Nothing stays in. No? Okay. So that's a challenge to lay down to the designers there, isn't it? Anyway, I'm glad that you managed to see Elizabeth Strout because actually you said after interviewing her that she really, really, really didn't disappoint. And it's never that a great writer disappoints in an interview, is it?

But it's that it's not the place where they shine the most. Because it's not their thing. Not their world. And I also often think you couldn't be more removed from having the ability to ta-da, yourself onto a stage. Because you've elected to spend your days. Then if you're a very, very, very good writer,

you can see the world in a completely different way, has more profound thoughts, is prepared to commit them to paper. It's so odd, isn't it, that you then think they can hold an audience on a stage. There's no reason to believe you'd be a cracking performer in front of a live audience. No.

But actually, who do we interview? We both really liked Leila Fazad, the actress. Yes, she was very good. You know, if we're honest, actresses are not always actors and are not always the easiest people to interview, are they? But she was very engaged in life outside her profession, which made the whole conversation a lot easier. So we should, we're so damning sometimes.

So that is, that's the ultimate podcast, isn't it? Off off air. Totally off air. Of, completely off, off air. But I think that's... It would be successful. Yes, but it's the... That would definitely be our PS podcast at the end of very,

we really have nothing to lose. When you've sold your house. Yes. I know it's still available. Okay. Oh, high hopes now that the Straits of Hormuz are going to be open. Well, everything's come out absolutely finally. He's absolutely had a blinding couple of days.

And just can you assure me, if I make it to my 80th birthday, please will you stage a cage fight for it? me on my artificial grass. Very much. I'd absolutely love that. And who would you like to be doing the cage fighting? Any preferences at all? Do you want lady cage fighting?

No lady cage fighters. Well, on the basis that Donald can hire boy cage fighters, why not? I mean, the whole thing is as camp as Christmas. It's beyond. What are we looking at here? Well, also. Macho, homoerotic. I mean, it's bonkers.

So, I mean, he is such a master of distraction. For me, some of the best pictures of the world, weekend were the photographs of his name coming down from the Kennedy Center. And you just have to, if you're listening to this in 150 years time, there will be so much stuff about Trump that will absolutely blow your mind. This is such a tiny detail, but I think it's a very important detail. The John F. Kennedy Center was set up in memory of JFK. That's what the centre is. That's just his. Trump's going to get his line. Trump's going to get his line. He's going to put his ballroom up.

He's got his Mar-a-Lago. Yaddy, yada. And he just went ahead and put his name above. I mean, it's like graffiti in the toilet, you know, where it says, you know, Penny's got... Oz was here. Yes. Or, you know, Penny's got a great rack.

And someone comes along and crosses that out and puts Jenny instead. You can't do that as a president. You can't just come along and go, this is my center now. And just put your name on top of it. I would have to take it. It's a shame they did it all at once because I would have, well, I suppose there must have been a time when it just said romp. And then it just said ump. Yeah.

I mean, that would have been good. Why don't they just leave ump up there just for a bit? So because even, I mean, it's a facile comment, but the name is so stupid. It is so stupid. Why would you want it plastered over? Yeah, you just, you really wouldn't. Yeah. Oh, he's just, he's an absolute dick.

And I'm sorry of this man's that you have to put explicit lyrics on the front of it. People won't be able to watch this in Saudi Arabia now. It's just a twang. Yes. Well, I'm supporting them in other ways, Jane. Yes, you are, yeah. She's got them in the sweepstake. If anybody thinks Fee's got investments, and she doesn't.

As far as I know, but none of us really know. No, that's true, actually. Gosh, that's true. This is from Pippa. It's taken me ages, he says, to actually email, because I currently have chemo brain and everything feels hard. Pippa, we're sending lots of love. That is no joke.

And neither of us know exactly how that feels, because we've been very fortunate. And you haven't been so fortunate. and we're both sending love to you, so hope things improve. A while ago, you mentioned the Boy Scouts that used to do Bob a Job and that the Girl Guides weren't allowed to do anything similar. Well, last year, there was an MI5 exhibition at the Q Archives, and the very best bit was the following.

During the First World War, MI5 formally recruited Girl Guides to serve as undercover couriers and messengers. They were hired because the Boy Scouts initially used for the same roles proved too boisterous, unreliable, and prone to gossiping about sensitive information. There you go. Now that's a nugget from history that I think we can all cherish.

Pippa, hope you feel better soon and thank you very much for that. Very, very, very best wishes to you. Parrot on a bus comes in from Angie from Chelmsford and answered your challenge, yes, I have travelled from Chelmsford to Colchester with a young man and his parrot. Apparently it was his therapy animal.

Maybe that's how he gets a little. ride. Also, he revealed in conversation that he was going to the specialist bird vet at Colchester Zoo, which maybe keep my distance just a little bit. Because it was carrying something. Well, you can see from my sneaky picture, he had a travelling box, but he'd released it onto the back seat. We trusted his ailment wasn't gastric. Thank you for being such a lovely company. And there is this huge green parrot. I think, I mean, he looks okay. Who knows? It would be quite, it would be quite off-putting, wouldn't it? Have you got onto the top deck of the bus?

Yeah, a lot of people find birds anyway quite, yes. A little bit frightening. Very distressing. Yeah. So we've had quite a few of parrots being spotted now. But nobody's spotted the man who I spotted because he had a great big red parrot on his shoulder.

These have all been green parrots. And no one has actually told us that they keep a parrot. No. Explain the joy of parrot ownership. And they've all been men so far. What do we read into that? I wouldn't even begin to... No.

positor theory on that. It's that whole, what was his name? Long John Silver. Yes. Is it that look? It's funny, isn't it? Because I would never, ever add a bird to my petting zoo. It's never even crossed my mind.

I mean, I could see you as a, you know, a petite lady pirate. I don't think. You want to be a wench. That's why you want to be. I do. I mentioned Laila Farsad and Sue says. Your discussion with Laila reminded me of how much I'd enjoyed the Iranian film, my favourite cake.

It was a recent pick of Skipton Film Club, but now available on the I-player. It's set in Tehran and is gently revealing about the restrictions of living there. The story is a day in the life of a 70-year-old widow who decides that she deserves happiness and sets about finding it. It's both funny and tragic.

It made me properly laugh and cry. I'm sure that other off-airers would enjoy it too. So that sounds like a hard recommend. The Iranian film, My Favorite Cake, still on the eye player when actually something I wanted to mention that I saw on the eye player actually when I was on the train

downloaded a couple of episodes of we were talking a little bit about the terrible events in Northern Ireland last week and I always think for afterwards that most of us in Britain don't know anywhere enough, we don't know enough about Northern Ireland to really have to stop commenting to my shame I don't feel

I know enough but having said that it doesn't stop loads of absolute pillocks weighing in so but anyway there's a great documentary about the police service of Northern Ireland. Oh, the real, yes, or peelers. And I've watched a couple of episodes and it's, it's properly instructive.

And Stephen Nolan is the presenter. And what I will say for Stephen Nolan is he puts himself up and he goes out and about doing what appear to be endless shifts with the police service in Belfast. And honestly, to say he gets stick from the people they meet would be, would be an understatement. So fair play to the man for putting himself front and centre. I suppose if you're going to be a carper, and I am, I'd say that sometimes it was perhaps a little too much about him. But hey, it's also a proper... At least he's doing it.

At least he's doing it. And it's a proper insight into the sheer courage of these young people, because they are young. And, you know, women and men going out, don't know what they're going to be confronted by. Yeah, it's really interesting. So it's called Peelers. Excellent. Available now. Good recommendation. I'm watching Rooster at the moment. It's a Steve Carroll comedy. I'm a big Steve Carell fan. I think he's one of those actors. Whatever he's in, you think he's such big business now.

He will have chosen it well. And he's played astonishingly different characters. You know, he's played a morning show host who was beyond dodgy and was done for his predatory behavior, which is quite a kind of bold person to want to represent. I think at the moment. There are too many of those around in... It wasn't a documentary.

Real life. Yeah. But he kind of puts himself into roles that are quite uncomfortable. But this is really delightful. He's playing a very successful best-selling novelist who's asked to become the writer in residence

at a liberal arts campus in America. Oh, I think it's on HBO Max. It may well be. Yeah. And it is just so superbly written. So the schick as well is that his daughter is actually a professional. on campus. But it's all about that generational divide and the really weird places that,

you know, people rub up against each other literally and not literally. And I just couldn't recommend it enough. If you need that kind of switch off from the very, very dark stuff going on in the world, but actually something that is also tickling quite a funny bone of reality. Right. It is really superb. Okay. He's got a lot, with his face, he's, there's a lot going on in his face, isn't there? And it's good. Yes. Because he's not a young person, is he? He's not a young person. And I don't think he's had mega, mega fillers and all of that kind of work. He's just a very, very good actor, Jane. Well done, because he's gone into acting. Well, well done, Stephen.

Yes. Look, we've mentioned we've picked up two Stevens there. Oh, yes. Yes. How do you mean? Stephen Nolan. Oh, yes. Oh, God. Sorry. How quickly you forget them. I did. It's absolutely fickle. Helen had to write, she says, after your mention of high rocks on Thursday's pod. I mean, who are these women?

I've also qualified for the world championships and would love to connect with your other correspondent, Louise. I'm in the 40 to 44 age group, pro solo. I don't know what that. As a working mum of two crazy boys, including a toddler who is still to sleep through the night, standing on that start line is already a great achievement.

Good luck to Louise. I will look out for her in Stockholm. Helen, the very, very best to you. It's an extreme, well, it's more than endurance race, isn't it? Well, it was just the fact that you had to do an Olympic sport that run one kilometer. I mean, it was just mind-boggling. But the fact that two women who listen to this are competing is astonishing. Good luck to you both.

And I hope you do see Louise, Helen. You never know. It might happen. Now, we might need to know a little bit more about this. We might not. Marina. Ahoy. Earlier in the week you commented, you were glad to accompany a listener, Adam, on his cruise around the Kimberley in Western Australia. So just letting you know that you accompanied me on a cruise through the Galapagos Islands two weeks ago, and it was lovely to have you both on board.

But, and this is where it gets freaky, there were 20 people on the boat, including someone who knew you both well and had worked with you on Five Live many years ago. She had some great stories to tell. God. In brackets, Marina says, all good. I think the fact that she's needed to add that suggests that they wouldn't have been. And also, let's face it, Jane, they just wouldn't have been. While sharing frozen margaritas and sunsets on the poop deck. I tell you, well, this sounds the kind of cruise I could get behind.

I feel I know both of you even better now that I have some positive insider information. It was as if you were living, snorkeling and kayaking amongst us. I can't quite believe that I flew to the other side of the world to the land of the tortoise and orcas. Jurassic-like birds and giant sea turtles only to find that the highlight of the trip was behind the scenes five-life gossip from someone who knew you well. Keep up the excellent work.

You are very loved. Well, Marina, I mean... We need the name. We need the name. We won't broadcast it. We won't broadcast it. We won't broadcast. I'm feeling...

I'm slightly fidgeting. Thanks for that. Yeah, but that does... We had another cruising update, actually. I'm not sure I was just looking for that. I've got it. Someone who was doing the cold cruise, which you were interested in. And I know this sounds very daft,

but my worry about a cruise is not just the kind of the confined space and the sea sickness, but just the genuine fear that I might fall off the ship. And I know that's very like it. You could be tethered to something. Don't worry about it. I'd have to be the only passenger permanently with a safety line

when you haven't literally been knocked over by a stiff breeze although it's a real genuine worry every time we leave this building we've got a wind tunnel outside the office but I think I would just have that you know when you go when you go up to a very high building you know wherever it is and you just always think I might fall off this

even though you're not going to fall off it we live every day or we work every day on the 17th floor at the moment Yes. My God, what are the talk sports studio is going to be like today? Now the World Cup's properly up and running. I mean, I just dread to think. I don't know.

They were having a jelly and cake party to celebrate, weren't they last week? They were. And there is an aroma up there that just isn't on the 14th floor. I love it. It is locker room and determination, a little bit of humidity. And it definitely, it just reminds me of a golf club. It's the smell of a golf club. pretty butch. And I think we're both benefiting from it. I think we are broadcasting better.

Do you? Yes. I'm sure. Well, also, because we're playing a quick game of darts before we go in. We always have a game of arrows before we go into this year. I mean, honestly, it's a giant playpen. But, hey, we're very fortunate to be both here and there. I found the one about the cold cruise. It's Stephen. Hello, Stephen. He says, I too have been to Svalbard on an expedition cruise and can attest it's very cold and very light. Unlike conventional cruises, they are less formal

and the entertainment is more educational. There we are, that's us, isn't it? And less cabaret. Mostly, it's the experts who give lectures and then accompany you on your expeditions. On ours, two pods, on ours, sorry, I can't, on ours, two pods of humpback whales

appeared next to the ship while we were having dinner. Wow. The whole dining room just went outside and the staff just removed our food and then returned it when we did I think they're used to it. That worries me slightly from a health point of view because I wonder whether it was reheated.

Or you might think that you've got yours back but it just might be anybody that looked like somebody else. You'll be the one person who stayed in the dining room do you want to just keep it. I don't want to take any chances. Shomping. Somebody to steal my food. I went to my first barbecue of the season yesterday

implying that I go to lots of barbecues and I'm going to assure you I don't. What is it about eating a sausage outside that just makes it taste better? It's just wonderful. Yeah, I don't get it. It's slightly burnt, slightly, yep. But at least it was cooked through. I mean, I know I checked.

Do it would be a very good idea. Maybe we could put this into the off-air merchandising pile. Just on a key fob of a mini-meat thermometer. I think that would fly off the shelves. I mean, I think you're right, because no one's entirely at ease at a barbecue. No. When the host offers you a sausage. Also, these days, you know, you go to a restaurant and, you know,

they're asking you, you know, whether you mind your pork being a little bit pink. Oh, not pork, you should have pork. No. No. No, no, definitely not. Um, bear with. In the Arctic, because it's a sea and not land, the itinerary is very loose. And the captain just goes wherever they like. Is that true?

That there's no restrictions, I suppose, because it's, there are no major sea lanes. Is that the right expression in the Antarctic? Possibly. And also, you must have to navigate around ice flows and difficult things. But you can't just, I wouldn't have thought the captain could just follow their nose. I think that's wonderful. It's the rogue bus driving. It is.

The road bus driver, yeah. The money shot, says Stephen is, of course, polar bears. And they really are awe-inspiring if you see them. Another activity, which some people talk part in, is the polar plunge. Stephen says that was too much for him. And he just said no to it. A tip, generally, it is advisable to do the Arctic first. Are you listening?

and then Antarctica. Because Antarctica is a continent and therefore land-based, it is geographically much more spectacular and then some people go on to the Arctic and they're disappointed. Oh gosh, okay. However, the polar bear can make up for it.

Also, getting to Antarctica across the Drake Passage can be very bumpy. It's sometimes known as the Drake Shake. You've just put me off there. I couldn't do that. Many thanks, Stephen, thank you. I can do that.

Yeah, many thanks. But that sounds beautiful. It does, yeah. Yep. So the tip there for people who are thinking about it, just to make it clear. Arctic first, everybody, and then Antarctica. Okay. Yeah.

Well, maybe, you know, cruising might come to us because there are lots of other reasons for doing it, aren't there, later in life. You know, if you're not so mobile and you can't, you know, get out and about and see all the places that you wanted to see. So we probably shouldn't knock it. It will go on the list of things that we've been incredibly rude about that we've done. and find ourselves advertising. Yeah. No, you've gone too far. We've had quite a lot of emails about AI and therapy.

Do you think we should leave that until tomorrow? Well, I was just thinking, yes, because actually quite a few of the emails, they're deservedly long because they're explaining what you've found when you've used things like chat GPT, and I think we just need to do them justice, actually. I have got a brought along a clipping

just because I do think you're right, and we will do it tomorrow. We will absolutely promise each other that we'll do it tomorrow. Esther Perel, the couple's counsellor, she's featuring in a times.com article, more or less endorsing AI, saying, honestly, it can be quite a good therapist. Individual therapy will dissolve, she says. People will talk to the machine. People want fast, immediate to the point, help me, tell me what to do. How do I not fight with my husband? What shall I say? And she often, she says, AI therapy, the advice is often quite good.

The question we ask isn't always the right one, but the response is quite good, she says. So she's not wholehearted, full-bodied, but she is saying that we probably shouldn't discount it completely, which is sort of what we said last week, I think. Yeah. We've got plenty more examples, though, so we will delve into those tomorrow. My final one will be from Louise, who joins us from California. and she was grateful that we put out the interview with a different type of Christian pastor.

I never say it right. No, well, I'm with you, I'm not really sure. Pastor. No, pastor is wrong. No, because that just sounds like very, very posh. Italian food. Yes. Pestor.

Sometimes the short A is correct. Pasta. Yeah. Anyway, I'm sorry, we're... Pasta. Pasta. Let your northernness come. I know you haven't got any, but let it slack.

Let it slack out. Really? Pastor. Is that a northern expression? Let it slack out? Which is now. When I teach, try and you can tell me anything and I'll start repeating it. Yeah, no, it's from the north. Okay, right, get it slack out and go for it again. Slack it out. Here we go. I've just finished listening to the live show. Love the interview, Feeha, with the lovely pastor, who was so different from the Christian nationalist pastor. I'm a Brit living in Arinda, California, and I haven't felt moved to visit my local churches,

but hope that this kind of liberal loving Christian is the majority here. As Jane said, it was an interesting interview. I want to mention the experience of thinking about my own parents. Too much more later in life. I moved from the UK when I was in my early 50s. I'm now in my late 50s. I felt terribly guilty in some ways that I was leaving my parents behind. They were active and independent at the time, but in their 80s.

The move forced us to use our phones for video calls. My dad commented that he saw us more often than when we were. we lived in the UK and that was true. I was able to have long chats with him that I didn't have before. He died in February and I treasure those calls. So now Mama's had to move to a nursing home as she was housebound and reliant on dad. We call her twice a week most weeks. I'm having long chats with her in a way that we didn't have before. She always has something to tell me about her new life in the care home and has made some good friends. I'm grateful for the opportunity to live this life here, but still feel very much part of my family and home in the UK.

And Louise says, I was on a walk the other day here in Arinda, listening to the podcast and giggled, as I said, Arinda, California out loud in reply to Fies a tent, which was probably wrong to pronounce it. I've probably got it wrong again. We've had so many emails from people actually saying that, and this was me in particular, so my apologies, I'm always on a learning curve with all of you who are our wonderful hive. I was quite dismissive about the voice note as a means of communication and, you know, people who are endlessly talking when they're out and about.

But so many people have said exactly this, that actually our connectivity now means that we can maintain relationships that were, you know, difficult to maintain before. And I think, as I'd mentioned, because my dad lived abroad for my entire childhood, you know, I used to write a letter to him once a week. and some of those letters, he kept all of them. So I read them again when he died and I went through his things. That's so boring, Jane.

They're so, so boring. But not to him, I'm sure. No, but they don't, you know, they don't tell him anything actually about the reality of life. They're so formulaic about, you know, what I'd done at school and, you know, what grade I'd gotten in my flute. And then at the end, there was always a can he send a bit more money, literally, literally all the way through. And it would have been wonderful to have exactly this, that. Louise is talking about. Yeah.

The ability to see somebody when you're talking to them, I think the younger generation do not realize how lucky they are. Don't you think, though, that you have to get good at it. Get good at video calling. Oh, it's not necessarily. You and I do. Yeah, yeah. But I think the young people don't.

Yeah, I wonder whether older people wrestle with it more. Yes, because I think because they've always done it. And you and I probably come from a world where our parents had a different speaking voice for the telephone. Oh God, yes. I can still hear my mom answering the phone. Yes. With her special voice. Yes. Just so weird.

And, you know, the kids, they don't have that. It's so funny that world. It's lost, isn't it? Where you answer the phone by giving the phone number. Diamond Tour 6th tour. It's just I miss that in a way. It's so ridiculous, isn't it? Why did people do that?

Why didn't they just pick it up and go, hello? I don't know. It's the very long form. Oh, because I suppose you didn't know who was called. Whereas now, I know, it's an unknown number, you do know, don't you? Yeah. Yeah, okay. But it's always in kind of period dramas, you know, people will answer the phone and say, you know, the Taylor's, Margaret Taylor here, Winchester, 59, 468.

If I'd been born at a different time, what's the expression, telephonist? Yeah, well, I don't know. Somebody on the switchboard, that's the job I would have wanted. Oh, my God, because you just would have plugged into it. to everyone's conversations. I would just would have been absolutely fantastic. I'd have gone for that. I'd have struggled with the actual work,

but I'd have enjoyed the... Oh, but God, you would have connected some wrong people. Oh, God, I'd done it deliberately. Just for the larks. Larks, that's what people had in the old days. Let's just end, I want to end by just... We often talk about rivalry between various northern British cities. Let's get something going between Edinburgh and Glasgow.

Jemma says, you were discussing the possibility that the rising temperature in the South might lead to a mass migration of Southerners to Scotland. I think you were referring to a point somebody else made in a previous conversation. However, you mentioned Scots having the cheek, not your exact words, to move to London to make a living. This irked me as someone who has to study and then work in London due to the centralised wealth and opportunities that exist there.

I had a lovely time there, but it was even lovelier to leave. Good point, well made, take it. Scotland, like Liverpool, is culturally very different to the South. If Scotland were to become full of Londoners, the culture would change. I teach refugees and asylum seekers in Glasgow, and the slogan, people make Glasgow is so true. This is such a welcoming and diverse city. Those who get Glasgow, who appreciate the grit and choose to call it home, no matter where they come from, are what makes it unique. As the saying goes, you'll have more fun at a Glasgow funeral than an Edinburgh wedding.

Blimey. And I've always suspected that's because the Edinburgh, Edinburgh is just so full of people from the South. Gosh, Gemma, thank you. I love that. You'll have more fun at a Glasgow funeral than an Edinburgh wedding. What is it they say about Edinburgh? You've had, you can do it. You've had your tea.

Meaning, welcome, but I'm not providing anything. Yeah. Okay. Right, come on Edinburgh. This is your chance. I don't know anybody in Edinburgh. who is still doing that or saying that. Really? Really? Yeah.

Well, I only ask for visitors when it's nowhere near a meal time. That's the best thing. That's the best thing. Bring your own sandwiches. What time are you asking people for? I'm just thinking I'm going to make a noise this. I think if you ask someone around it, that's a good point. If you ask someone around at 10.30, the problem there is they'll probably expect a beverage. They'll want a little tree bake.

Yes. They'll expect something. Hi. Yes. So there's no, actually, there's no good time. There isn't, is there? No, it's very difficult. I would say perhaps 2 o'clock in the afternoon because it's not time for tea

and you've had your lunch. So 2 o'clock you're probably safe. Yeah. And it is still quite weird, isn't it? If you ever do pop around somebody's house and I think actually popping round is a lost house as well. And people don't offer you something. That's still quite weird.

And I did pop around to a neighbours. So you do pop still pop around? Now, actually. In a different street. And the very lovely woman, She was very lovely indeed. We stood there slightly kind of awkwardly for a couple of minutes. And then she said,

she said, I could teach you up some coffee in the microwave if you want. And I thought, gosh, that is one of the most passive aggressive. It's time to go now. That's leave, isn't it? Just go, go. A little impish bit of me thought, should I say yes? Oh, yes, please. Is it camp coffee?

But another thing that, they will say across Scotland. At least not want not. Okay. Yes. Right. Yeah. Okay.

Well, look, we've probably started something there. We don't mean to be offensive. Or do we? Janeofy at Times. Dot Radio, if you've watched the visualised version, we very much hope you've got views. Let us know. Yes. And do tell your friends as well.

Well, you can, if you all. Because we're meant to be here to kind of increase things, aren't we? Increase things. Yes, it's capitalism. And we're very much a part of it. Thank you for being a part of it, too. We're back tomorrow. Yeah.

without the vision. By then. Congratulations. You've staggered somehow to the end of another Offair with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale. And if you listen to this, you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online, on DAB, or on the free Times Radio app. Offair is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.