Off Air... with Jane and Fi - I think I've got a resting b*tch face (LIVE at Afternoon Tea with Jane and Fi - Part 1)

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

In this live bonus episode, Jane and Fi host afternoon tea at Times Towers. With Jane Mulkerrins as their host, they reflect on their career and play a vague version of Mr. and Mrs. If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] Follow us on Instagram! @janeandfi Assistant Producer: Eve Salusbury Times Radio Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

VoiceOver describes what's happening on your iPhone screen. VoiceOver on. Settings. So you can navigate it just by listening. Books. Contacts. Calendar. Double tap to open. Breakfast with Anna from 10 to 11. And get on with your day. Accessibility. There's more to iPhone. A couple of weeks ago, we had the chance to meet some of you at an event hosted by The Times.

A handful of Times subscribers, that's a very big hand, joined us here at Times Towers for a lovely afternoon of tea, cake and chat. Now, if you weren't able to join us, please don't worry, because guess what? We only went and recorded the whole thing. And we're now bringing it to you in a neat little two-part podcast episode. So grab a scone, make sure you've gone, pour yourself some tea

and enjoy this bonus live episode of Off Air. You're very kind. Hello. Good afternoon. Welcome to Times Towers and afternoon tea with Jane and Fi. I'm the other Jane, Jane Mulkerrins. Just run up from the Times magazine to try and do a bit of crowd control on the stage here. How was tea? How were the scones? Yeah. Any arguments over jam and cream order? Is everything okay? Everybody all right? Good. So I'm sure you know this, but thousands of people applied for these tickets this afternoon. And you were the lucky, I don't know, I can't actually count, 100 people.

So congratulations. It's lovely to have you all here. Who's come the furthest today? anyone fly did anyone fly or is that a bit ambitious um who's come from north of hull anybody from north of hull oh north of hull where have you come from oh yeah yeah about equal very good how was the train oh okay i'm not okay we won't go there okay that 20 minutes is pretty good yeah you should send them a thank you for that um anyone come from the southwest Cornwall Devon oh yeah where have you come from Somerset

excellent welcome did anyone just get on a bus, on a London bus? Excellent. Welcome, welcome. So has anyone here had their emails read out on the podcast already? Okay, excellent. Just only a couple of people. Has anyone emailed a lot and never had their email read out? Okay, okay, some people as well. Has anyone sent a picture of a stuffed animal? What have you all been doing with your time? Has anyone sent a picture of Penny Farthing? No? Okay. Has anyone sent a story about bras to Jane and Fee? No? Okay, well, you've got time to ask them all of these questions

at the end. Is anyone not entirely sure which one is Jane and which one is Fee? Okay, there'll be a test later for you, sir. Has anyone, we won't tell them, has anyone actually never listened to Off Air and just been dragged here with a partner? Okay, oh, okay, okay, okay, excellent. Well, this is your introduction. So, yeah, we'll get you to ask some questions at the end and see how much you've learnt. Okay. So, without further ado, let's welcome the people

who you're actually here to see today. It's Times Radio's very own Elaine Page and Barbara Dixon. Radio's answer to Ant and Dec. It's Jane Garvey and fee glover and for the people who just put their hands up in the last but one question yeah introduce yourselves question. Can you introduce yourselves? I'm Fee. No, I'm Jane. I'm Jane and this is Fee. Hello. And Fee hasn't been particularly well for the last few days. So go gently with her. Yeah, sit far back and go gently with her. So in a moment, we're going to go through Jane and Fee's first year or look back at the first year at times

radio um it's only been a year can you probably feel like about 15 no it doesn't it actually still feels quite fresh and new but because we were both institutionalized at the bbc and i think what was the total number of years of service 68 68 years we've done at the bbc so it has taken a considerable amount of time to adjust to this. Can we just acknowledge what an incredible building this is and what an amazing view and the sun's just setting. We did have a word. Yeah, it's just incredible.

So we spent the first couple of weeks here just wandering around talking about the view. And then as the months go by, you stop noticing it until days later. Well, you called it dull the other day. I did say it was dull. I know. It's never, ever, ever going dull the other day i know it's never ever ever going to be done no it's never done that is the most spectacular sunset which we laid on for you um so we're going to look back at your first year at times radio some highlights and then we're going to go through your life in pets which is obviously the very serious part of this afternoon

do you not want to talk about the autumn statement at all? We'll do that at the end. Just to keep people in the mood when they're going home. And then we're going to play a little game which is a little bit like Mr and Mrs. What's the game called, Jane? Oh, it's called We're Not Really Strangers. But it's a terrible name.

So we're calling it Ms and Ms. Ms and Ms. Like Mr and Mrs, but Ms and Ms. Because we're modern. And then at the end we're going to throw the Ms. Ms and Ms. Ms and Ms. Like Mr and Mrs, but Ms and Ms. Okay. Because we're modern. And then at the end, we're going to throw the floor open with some roving microphones for you guys to ask some questions too. So please do have a think about some, otherwise it'll be really awkward. I mean, we could talk forever, but we'd rather get your questions. So, Jane and Fee, it's only been, it's been about 13 months, I think, since you were kidnapped

from the BBC and whisked over the river in a golden chariot to Times Towers. It's been a really busy year. I mean, you do four shows a week, big guest every day, four podcasts a week. So that's like 200 podcasts, 400 shows. Well, don't forget, we've also had three prime ministers. So it's been quite dizzying. It's a very, very intense first year of marriage. That's what it is.

Everyone says the first year is the hardest. I don't know. Well, they were all quite hard. But anyway, carry on. You have 14, wasn't it? It's a lot of, I mean, 50-odd big guests, probably. Yeah, yeah. So, looking back at these 12 months,

what we hope will be the first of many happy years at Times Radio, give me two big highlights. Well, I think the biggest thing to say, the most important thing to say, is that we regard the people who listen to Off Air and to Times Radio, to our programme. It is a community. It's an incredible family of listeners and people prepared to share a great deal with us. But we are both aware that there's a difference between the podcast and the tone of any podcast

and doing a live radio news show, which is essentially what Times Radio is all about, breaking news and talking about things in the moment. And I think a lot of people are still, they're still quite shocked, aren't they? If we look at the text that we get, the fact that you've got two women talking about the news to each other at three o'clock in the afternoon on national radio, it has never been done before. And it is still, it's crazily rare for that to happen isn't it? Derek's not happy most people are but Derek one of our listeners is not happy. He listens every day but he doesn't like it. He doesn't like it at all no and he didn't like anything that Jane and I had done before at Radio 4 but he'd definitely listened to it a lot

so I would agree with Jane that actually the highlight and I know it's a bit of a kind of nebulous thing, and you were probably hoping for some really, really specific anecdotes, but tough. I think, you know, that one of the highlights is exactly that, that it's, A, it's astonishing that it took until 2022 for a radio station to put two women on air and, you know, think that it's normal to do that. But also all hail to Times Radio for doing it, you know, think that it's normal to do that. But also all hail to Times Radio for doing it, because it is fantastic that that's happened. And I hope because, of course, it doesn't mean that we're going to talk about the news in a completely different way, you know, because our brains are so completely differently wired to men. That's not the point of it at all. But it does mean that you just get a different type of chat around the news which I hope you know men enjoy listening to just as much as women in the same

way that if you think about it women have always been invited to enjoy the fantastic banter of two great big men having a chat so we're just trying to do the same kind of thing yeah yeah they should get two men doing podcasts you know oh they'll never catch up no no never I am going to push you though on some specifics like give me a couple of guests right you've had on that you've really enjoyed it is no secret or not enjoyed no well no I'm a very very big fan of Ken Follett no yes I am uh my dad god love him my dad is 90 and I gave my dad Ken's most recent book and it's really chunky as all Ken's books are my dad, God love him, my dad is 90, and I gave my dad Ken's most recent book. And it's really chunky, as all Ken's books are.

My dad did say, is it worth me starting this? I am not. Anyway, the great news is he's finished, and he's moving on to a new one. I've given him the Lee Child, in fact, from last week, so he's setting off on that much shorter, so he should be all right there. Do you ever have to buy your dad books

and just take them home from work? I just bring them home from work. Same. I'm not mean. Much. No. It's re-gifting. Just re-gifting.

It's re-gifting. Do you know what? It'd be dreadful if your dad didn't make it through the leecher. Oh, don't say that. Don't say that. He's very keen to make it to Christmas, I know, and I'm not being... It sounds like I'm being really cruel.

He's very fortunate. He's in pretty good health. I really wish I hadn't said any of these things now. Don't worry, he's not being broadcast. No, he's absolutely fine. Thank goodness. He's very grateful and so am I. So Ken was a big treat because Ken is, he does, I mean, he's not, how would you, he's

not a literary writer, is he, Ken? And we have had a lot of fun at his expense over the years with particularly his descriptions of the female anatomy over the years, with particularly his descriptions of the female anatomy over the years. And Ken's novels are this great sweeping narrative of history, and we follow the sexual activities of English peasantry. And some of it is his descriptions of what we might delicately call love scenes do occasionally leave something to be desired. Well, also just lengthening breasts, let's be honest about it. Yes, he's pretty harsh on the female anatomy as it ages.

He was. But we had quite a lot of fun at his expense. But he was a delightful guest. He's a really lovely, interesting man who absolutely owns his own genius for writing these incredible books, which I just thoroughly enjoy. And it's a wonderful thing. I mean, we're both, we both love reading and we love writers. And, you know, I would

love to say I had a novel in me. I haven't. But I thoroughly enjoy the genius of people who can conjure up these alternative universes and experiences. I just think they're brilliant. And who's your, who's the favourite writer that you've spoken to? Well, I've enjoyed loads of the writers, actually, but my absolute highlight from the year is to do with our book club. And are all of you reading our book club books? Yes, good.

So the whole... Thank you, just this woman here. They all can, thank you. Do join in if you can. But the whole point of book club is that it's really driven by the listeners so we're only going to read books that are recommended by listeners which takes us out of that kind of uh you know publishing circus of just everybody reading and reviewing the same books at the same time so we've had some really really fantastic suggestions uh and uh the latest book we're reading is called Boy Swallows Universe by Trent Dalton, who's an Australian writer.

So his book isn't necessarily immediately available. And one of our listeners had put up on the Instagram that she was waiting for it to become available in the library. And she hoped that the current reader would be a bit pacey with the reading and get to it so she could read it in time for the book club. And another listener through Instagram contacted her and said, well, I've just finished the book. So if you're in the UK, I'll send it to you. And so she sent this book, but she put it in a box with a couple of chocolates, all nicely wrapped up and sent it on to one of our listeners. And it's stuff like that. You just think what an amazing, absolutely amazing thing to be a part of, actually,

when we've got lovely people like that feeling part of a community. And that's what makes the podcast work. You know, it's, I mean, of course it's the genius. Of course it's the genius of the host. But actually, most of the time it's really not. It's because everybody else is joining in. And we are driven by listeners' emails now, which are just completely fantastic.

Wouldn't you agree? It's the dialogue between listeners, isn't it? Yes. The way that people pick up on each other's stories, experiences. So how amazing to be part of that. Absolutely. Yeah. You're the conduits.

That's all we are. A little bit more than that. A little bit more, you're right. Once or twice a week. We have to be a little bit careful here because this is going to go out as a podcast. Maybe let's not call them lowlights. Maybe let's talk about a couple of things

that you might have found challenging or a bit sticky moments in this first year. To be honest, the biggest challenge for me is not putting on Six Stone because of the canteen. Yes, I was going to say apart from the view, the thing you do like about this building is the canteen, isn't it? But you won't because every day you just eat from the, I say just because it's

plentiful, but we have a thing called the genius salad bar. Genuine. Genuine. Sorry, it's not genius, it's genuine. It shows you don't go there. I don't go for the salad but jane comes back with this mound of greenery so i think you'll be all right do you think i don't know i sometimes wake up underneath that there are often lots of bits you know there's nothing you're right there's falafel there's chicken breast yeah and pasta salad which is

sort of a carb they say yeah i will just say props to our canteen. It is amazing. It is amazing. It is amazing. I think, I mean, a genuine low light would be, I don't know, I can't speak for other people of my age. I'm 59. Yes, I mean, it's an astonishing achievement.

And change, I've always found change very difficult. And I found, in all seriousness, the change from one place of work to another, an exceptionally hard thing to contemplate. And I will be absolutely honest and say it probably has taken me about a year to feel completely in the flow and thoroughly enjoying it. Because I do think change is hard. I mean, it's changed for some people.

It changes hard for some people throughout their life. And I probably am risk averse. I mean, I think that's probably probably true most people with a big new job it takes about a year before you feel actually comfortable in a new place with a new team, with a new routine going to work but I think your job is so public

that you kind of just have to swallow those nerves and get on with it every day I think you found it a bit easier than I did I don't know, you i think so yeah she's younger you see that does it does help four years i'm not sure i found it um i'm not sure i found it easier i think it it has been made much easier because we did it together actually i think if I'd made the leap on my own I would have found it really really nerve-wracking but there's been a comfort in both starting new but actually your point just about what we do I'd say that one of the low points was that first week when we're on air because we

we arrived oh what have I said? The sunset for you all. Let there be light. Look at that. Look at that. Isn't that amazing? What a beautiful, beautiful view. So usually the shutters come down at the wrong moments when the sun goes in,

and they come up when it's really glaring. So somebody's done something right today. Yes. Lift them up. Was it because I was about to say something difficult about the building they're always listening because we arrived in a really really busy week

we arrived as Liz's trust thing just absolutely exploded onto the canvas of our democracy so that was quite a baptism of fire and the really weird thing about radio is, and it's not the hardest thing in the world to do at all,

but every show is different, and the junctions in every show are very different. And Jane and I had never done shows which have quite so many junctions. Well, we've never worked with adverts before. Because, yes, there was commercialisation involved. Couldn't believe it, could we? So we had to hit all these different things. Very much so. Very much so. And,? So we had to hit all these different things. Very much so.

Very much so. And, yes, we had to project from our diaphragms. So it was... Thank you, sir. Although why you're laughing, I don't know. So that was a bit of a challenge, actually, because the one thing that you don't want to do is, you know, get all of those things wrong

and talk over each other and talk over it and stuff. That's the point of what we do. We're meant to do it smoothly. So we were a bit shit that first week, don't you think? But that's just the technical side of it, isn't it? That's just... Well, you say just but that is part of it. Don't downplay it, Jane. We have to ask our profession. DJing.

Very much so. You know I have nothing but respect and admiration for you both. They always show it no indeed so we've talked about the work stuff but I think we need to talk about the really serious stuff is it pets now yes yeah so obviously anyone who's listened to the podcast or met you for about 10 seconds knows that you quite like your children but you really like your animals both of you Probably much more than everything else. I'm just not mad. We can't talk about our kids on the podcast as much as we can talk about our pets.

Yeah, because so far your Nancy hasn't put in any complaints, has she, about being discussed? She's probably got a folder. She's probably got a lawyer. She doesn't get a choice. So we thought it would be very good to track your life in pets. Because we do know about your current pets quite a lot, but we don't know about your previous pets and sort of how those pets were imprinted on you.

Jane, you might want to pay attention to Fee's answers because we're going to test you on Fee's pets later. Are you? Yeah. Okay. You sometimes forget all the names. Carry on. Yeah.

So I'd like you both, you can have a minute to think about it when i say your first pet who got to name the first pet how long that first pet lived for whether there was a traumatic but character building experience of loss and grief this sounds like a dissertation okay um so first pet feed lover uh my first pet was a guinea pig called wheelie i don't know why it was called wheelie but that's w actually no i'm not going to spell it because it's involved in my security questions this is basically so the whole room yeah it's all going to be an account number at the end. It is, yeah. Okay. So we won't spell it, but it's Wheelie.

Did Wheelie, I think Wheelie, I mean guinea pigs don't live that long, I think he probably lived a good year or so. How old were you? Probably about eight. Oh, and this is my specific pet. We always had animals in the house. Dad had dogs all the time. We always had family pets, but my actual pet. We always had animals in the house. Dad had dogs all the time.

We always had kind of family pets, but my actual, my pet. They didn't all belong to everyone. There was family pets and then your pets. Yes. Okay. Yes, yep. Because mum kept goats as well for a while. Really?

Yep. Bad tempered. Watsits, yes. So Wheelie the guinea pig I think lived about a year. I don't think he met a particularly difficult end. I don't think there was any trauma involved in that at all. She's such a journalist

isn't she? She's looking for trauma. She wants real nasty bits. Wheelie just died in their sleep. I think Wheelie did. Also you were told. Right, yes. To be fair that's true. So you were told. Yeah. All my hamsters died really peacefully in their sleep? I think Wheelie did. Or so you were told. Right, yeah. To be fair, that's true. So you were told. Yeah. All my hamsters died really peacefully in their sleep,

so I was told. Okay. So you named Wheelie, Wheelie? Yes, but I can't remember why. No. I was quite young. And you never considered having him stuffed? No. No. I haven't really considered having any of my animals stuffed. It wasn't really a thing in the 70s, was it? It wasn't. No. I haven't really considered having any of my animals stuffed.

It wasn't really a thing in the 70s, was it? It wasn't, no. No, it wasn't. No, and I mean, our taxidermy meme was one of the funniest things ever. I mean, jeez, there's some bad taxidermy out there. And you just think, I mean, I really, really love all my animals. I've always loved all my animals. And the idea that they might get stuffed wrongly is just so painful.

I just, you know, I couldn't do that. Couldn't do that. I mean, that's the beauty of the podcast, is we can just disappear down these, they're not even niches. I mean, they're micro crevices, really. Things like bad taxidermy kept us going for weeks. And I think at the moment

people, we went, when Fee was aware you and I were talking about shifting sexuality for a full week and now it's celebrity encounters in toilets in or near toilets and it is astonishing the number of people in Britain who've nearly met a celebrity or urinated in the next door compartment to a celebrity or just sat on the loose seat after a celebrity I mean it's it's um but I think that says something fantastic about our country, that there isn't a celebrity loo kind of thing going down. That they don't have toilets. Celebrities are just wig on the same toilet seats as the rest of us.

Long may that last. What a nation this is. Great leveller. Jane Garvey, where's Pat? Well, there's a really boring answer, which is that I caught a tiddler in the canal and was allowed to bring it home oh uh put him in a little jar and he was called tiddler and he died two or three days later they don't have a long life no i think the liverpool leeds

canal in the 1970s is probably not the not the healthiest environment for tiddlers or indeed anybody else a A few sort of rusty prams in there probably did okay but I'm not sure about the fish. And then after that we got a Welsh Border Collie who is my family dog as a child and she was called Jenny and my sister and I called her Jenny because we wanted a baby sister and if we'd had one we'd have called her Jenny. What if you got a baby sister after the dog? I think my mum made it very clear there would not be a baby sister and it was going to be a border collie instead. And how long did Jenny live?

Oh, Jenny died when I was 24. So I think she was 14. She had a long life. Was it traumatic? Not her life, her death. No, her death. Well, it was It just makes something up. But it is sad. This is the terrible truth. She, like a lot of elderly

dogs, her legs just went and I'd left home by then and my poor little dad, aforementioned, had to take her to the vet and he is a very stoical individual, man of his generation, doesn't cry a lot, but was crying when he came back, just with the lead. Oh, God. No, it's awful. It is awful.

And my mum and dad never got another dog. They just couldn't bear it. And I totally get that. And we often talk about, I talk about I would love a dog but my lifestyle just does not I just couldn't one more thing I just couldn't quite make time for go on you can

I think they obviously need time and I just don't think I've got it I'd worry about the stress of everyone you could bring it to work oh god if only we could that would be great if we are offered another contract everyone actually. You could bring it to work. Oh God, if only we could. That would be great. If only we could. Should we start a lobby? If we are offered another

contract, I mean then we would say we're only doing it if we both bring in our dogs. I mean I do think dogs make everyone behave better weirdly when they're around. Some dogs. I think people are nicer. I'm sure, I've told you before about how in America they have dogs on planes a lot because you can take

your emotional support animal on domestic flights and people are so much nicer when there's like a couple of cheeky pugs down the back you know it's much nicer than people on planes to be honest I think I don't know why we can't bring our dogs to work I say our dogs I haven't got one either right you could bring our invisible dogs to work. Oh, I already bring my invisible dog. Sorry, yes, of course. Stupid me. Your mum and dad didn't get Jenny stuffed either? No, Jenny remained unstuffed. But I think as a teenager, it's a fantastic thing to have a dog.

And I had a Sony Walkman and a dog. And that meant I could go out for long, brooding walks away from the savages who were my family. And I could think bleak thoughts about the terrible nature of my existence while plodding along the beach with the dog. And she understood you. And she did understand.

What were you listening to? Level 42. Jeez, you can't have... Or sometimes joy division. It would depend on... They're darker. Yeah, they are a lot darker. What was the first pet you got as an adult?

That would be the late lamented Mittens, who was a tortoiseshell cat we got from a neighbour. She was my first ever cat. And she... Now I've got Dora, I realise what a wonderful cat mittens was she was completely undemanding kept the mice at bay kept to her own quarters didn't sit on your head in the middle of the night um she was an amazing they also never bit me uh in 14 years 13 years in her case actually

uh whereas dora has made her mark in many ways. In fact, two days after she arrived, I ended up in A&E with a bleeding head because I tried to catch her somewhere. She was darting across the sitting room and I banged, I lifted my head up too sharply and banged it on a piano lid. I had to go to A&E during COVID

with blood streaming from my head. But in fairness to her, that wasn't entirely her fault. It was entirely her fault. Do you sometimes tell Dora about mittens and how good she was? Well, we've got pictures of mittens in the house and I just said, listen, this is

the cat of sainted memory. Just my favourite cat. Whereas you, and she was adopted from an animal sanctuary in Basingstoke. On recommendation of Claire Balding, right? On recommendation of Claire Balding, with whom she had appeared on the front cover of Hampshire Life. Do you think Claire just gave her some instructions to be a bit savage? I think Dora has had ideas above her cat sanctuary ever since, to be honest.

She's never got over being on the cover. But she's also been in the Sunday Times magazine, isn't she? She has, yeah. So she's pretty, yeah, she's a nightmare. Like most celebrities. Yes, indeed. Fee has a genuine, lovely menagerie. Well, so let's go first adult pet first before we talk about current menagerie.

First adult pet. First adult pet. First adult pet. Well, they came as a pair, so they were Vic and Bob, and they were little black and white kittens bought from the local pet shop, I think when I was about 25. That's quite a lot of responsibility, having two kittens at 25. Well, it is considering how she used to conduct herself at 25. Yeah, I mean, I'm 46, and I don't think I can have a pet. having two kittens at 25 well it's considering how she used to conduct herself at 25 it's not it's not too much responsibility it was absolutely fine and it was so

nice it was the first time i'd lived on my own and it was so lovely coming back to you know two little tiny furry creatures and you just leave them lots of food and they learn how to... Cats are brilliant. They teach themselves all of the rules of life, don't they? They need very, very little from you. They were absolutely fantastic. And in fact, Bob was incredibly long-lived. He lived to be 24.

Vic ate himself to death. I mean, almost a terrible kind of mimicry of real life. He got incredibly large and very offensive. And he was a glutton, and he genuinely did. He just... And then one day he was no more. Did you not have control of that a little bit? Or was he just going...

It was a bit strange. Snipping out and finding random my seed. No, it was a bit strange, actually, because he did get incredibly large, which meant that he was eating somewhere else as well, because Bob was normal size. So he was obviously going off to eat somewhere else. And there was a woman who lived over the road from me. He was absolutely convinced that it was of my own doing.

And this is no word of a lie. She cut stories uh pets in difficulty out of newspapers and magazines and stuck them onto pieces of paper and put them through my letterbox I mean it was quite crazy stuff and she was absolutely sure that for some reason I was feeding this cat you know which I wouldn't do at all. And I often thought maybe it was her. Maybe it was a strange kind of... Munchausen by proxy. Something weird going on, yeah.

But Vic and Bob were delightful, and they kept me company for a long time, for a long time, yeah. And so current menagerie, it all makes sense now, given that your mum had goats and... Yes, so we just always had lots of pets. Give us the list now. So now it's Nancy the greyhound, the rescue greyhound, the loveliest dog in the world, absolutely my emotional support dog.

I can't really go anywhere without her. I'm sad she's not here today. We'll change that. The three cats are Big Fat Cool Cat, who's the big hackney Tom, who was part of a brotherhood but sadly Pinkie Punks died keep up everybody

so Pinkie Punks was replaced with Brian and Barbara last year so they're now little kind of teenage cats and Brian and Barbara are sister and brother they are brother and sister but I think by different fathers which Jane doesn't believe can happen but I've had it verified by many listeners to the podcast so sorry they were born yeah so you can have different fathers with different dads yeah because cats can be impregnated

more than once while they're pregnant yeah yeah because they look completely different i mean really really completely different barbara's this great big kind of fluffy, hey, look at me, gorgo cat. And Brian's a very, very sprightly, slightly mincey, black and white. Woo-hoo! And they're just not... They don't look related at all. No. Nope.

Do you think they know that about each other, that they're different dads? Yes, I think they do. There's still a lot of rough and tumble going on. Let's hope there's nothing more than that. No, they've been down. They've had the operations. What proportion of your income do you think you spend on? Too much.

No, actually too much, because I do have to have a dog walk at Finance at the moment. And, you know, way too much. But, I mean, that's my choice, isn't it? I don't have very many vices. Jane won't say any more. So I don't, you know, I'm happy to spend my money on them. Would you have more than Dora if you had more time?

No. No? I really wouldn't. Funny enough, I find having an animal quite a responsibility. I worry about her going out. She suddenly was taken to sitting on windowsills, and I find that very frightening indeed. Just because the children would not forgive me

if anything happened to the cat. They'd probably forgive most things, but not that. Not that. So I just can't deal with any more responsibility. I think that's absolutely fine. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I struggle with houseplants, so yeah. Do you trust people who don't have pets?

Ooh. I sort of suspect that you don't. I think deep down now, I do wonder why people don't have pets, I suppose. I have got friends who don't have any. And now you mention it. They are a bit weird. What do you think it says about them?

Well, I think it's more what it does to a house. So if I do come home, if my children are away for whatever reason, there is, I mean, I won't make any bones about it, there's something rather lovely about hearing the pitter-patter of the paws down the stairs when I come through. And it's just, you know, watching telly with a cat is um we i mean dora for whatever reason really keenly followed that bbc documentary series about joining the british

army which has been on sort of one of the tuesdays i can see her in the army yeah well in a previous life she may have been in the sas i don't know uh i wouldn army. Is she in the TA now? In a previous life, she may have been in the SAS. I don't know. I wouldn't put it past her, the little... Yeah, that's the bite. But, yeah, she really... She's sat through every episode of that. And occasionally she'll dash towards the screen. She does like David Attenborough on a Sunday night.

She does, doesn't she? So I do think... I'm surprised, honestly, by how companionable cats are or can be and i think for children as well i think for children to grow up in a house with learning a little bit about responsibility from the responsibility of having an animal um i do think that's probably quite a good thing you'd agree with that wouldn't you yeah so i don't think it's that i wouldn't trust someone who didn't have a pet but i don't think that i don't think it's that I wouldn't trust someone who didn't have a pet, but I don't think that they could be my close personal friends. I'll make an exception for you because you're lovely.

I did have a year between cats after the death of Mittens when I genuinely found her. She suddenly had kidney failure. And it was really unpleasant to witness her being in what was clearly agony. But then she was put down at the v's, witnessed by me and my kids. And I can honestly say it was one of the most dignified exits imaginable, done with great care and consideration by the lovely vet. And it was really very moving.

It sounds laughable in a way, because I'm not animal-tastic, really. But I just think there is just something rather lovely about it. Yeah. I wasn't allowed big pets as a child because I think my parents worried that when you lose them, it's too upsetting. What class is a big pet? Oh, anything bigger than a hamster. Okay. Did you have a terrapin?

I had an axolotl. A what? Yeah, an axolotl. What's that? It's kind of exotic and weird. Oh, big face. Yeah, big face paws. Yeah. I had a axolotl. A what? Yeah, an axolotl. What's that? It's kind of exotic and weird. Oh, big face. Yeah, big face paws. Yeah.

I had a couple of snakes. My dad was a biology teacher, so he used to bring things home from the lab. So I had some snakes and spiders. Was he allowed to? Well, when they finish doing the experiments on them, what are you going to do? You know, take them home rather than set them free. A little bit maimed. This is a very dark side to you, Jane.

I didn't know anything about this. We're going to move on. Actually, before we do that, Jane, can you recap all the names of Fee's current pets? What? Yeah. Good test. Yeah.

Nancy, definitely. Barry, Barbara. No. You've gone rough already. Brian. Brian, Barbara No Brian Barbara Did I say Barry? Tinky Ponk

Diddly Winks Barris Johnson Cool Cats I've had more loyal husbands Right, okay Okay. And get on with your day. Accessibility. There's more to iPhone. That's a great way to start the next round, which is how much you know about each other. So, this game is called We're Not Really Strangers.

And I'm going to give you half a pack each. And you're just going to ask each other the questions. Oh, okay. Yeah. So I'm just, I'll referee if it gets ugly, but hopefully it won't come to that. Okay. So I think you can start, Fi. Okay.

And you can ask Jane. Thank you. This question. You're almost in the most extraordinary view. Would you call it a striation of clouds across the sunset? That's an excellent word. Is that the right thing? Isn't that absolutely beautiful?

Absolutely lovely, isn't it? That is lovely. Anyway, sorry. Right, I'm starting. More Karens? Yes. Yes, absolutely. Right, here we go. Jane Susan Garvey.

What do you think my go to karaoke song is? oh, River Deep Mountain High no, so close I should keep score on this I've never been to me no that would be great though I'm Every Woman, I Will Survive

must be one of them it's Raining Men. No. It's Islands in the Stream. And you've got to obviously do it as a duet where I'm Kenny and whoever else I'm singing with. You always want to be Kenny.

You want to be Kenny. Kenny Follett or the other Kenny. Move off Ken Follett. What am I most qualified to give advice about? Sex. Very bleak humour there. Right, carry on.

What do you think you're most qualified to give? Soup. Soup would be better. To be honest, if you're struggling to make soup, I am your woman. If you're struggling to make sex, I am your woman. If you're struggling to make sex, it's J. Mark Harris. Or J. Mark Harris, yeah, definitely. Oh, no.

How many speeding tickets do you think I've got? Currently or ever. In my life. In your life, right. Well, we have both done speed awareness courses. Now, this is not a laughing matter. Sure. This is the voice I use at home when talking to younger members of the family.

This is not a laughing matter, but we have both. So you've done more. I think you've done two speed awareness courses, haven't you? Yes, and I've only done one. Oh, I've done two, in fairness. Have you done three? No, because I did genuinely... After the second one, I took the points. I couldn't face three. Oh, I've done two, in fairness. Have you done three? No, because I did genuinely... After the second one, I took the points.

I couldn't face three. Just couldn't go again. So I think you've had... You must have had at least two tickets, if not more. No, you must have gone up to... How many points did you go up to? No, so I've never gone... No, so I think actually at one time I had six points on my licence

and then I currently, in all fairness, I have three on my licence at the moment. But obviously the six wiped and then I got three again. Yeah, OK. How many Speed Awareness Courses are you allowed to do? Well, I don't think you're allowed to do more than that. Is it limitless? You can't do two in a year.

No, no. How do you know? You just can't. And the thing is, every time... I mean, what I will say about the Speed Awareness Courses I've been on is that it time, I mean, what I will say about the speed awareness courses I've been on is that it's, I mean, I love London. I love living in London. But if you really want to come across a cross section of humanity, a wonderful glimpse into the world we all inhabit, do go on a speed awareness course. And I mean that genuinely, because you just,

is it ringing bells? Yes. You just meet an amazing cross-section of people. But it's a bit worrying as well, isn't it? It's a bit worrying that some of them have got licences, I tell you. Yeah, and because loads of them are actually professional drivers and you think, gosh, you should... Anyone who's done one will know that all of the questions, they're not complicated and they are things in the highway code that we should all know. And you kind of slightly excuse yourself as a domestic driver, but as a professional driver.

I think I was the only, I was definitely the only, I was the only woman doing the course and I was the only domestic driver on the last one I did. They were all taxi drivers or delivery drivers. My friend was on one recently with Alistair Campbell, which she quite enjoyed. Really? Yeah. Well, that's another niche.

We'll go Celebrity Speed Awareness, of course. Celebrity Speed Awareness, of course. Brilliant, yeah. I'll get her to start the thread. Yes, OK. Did she say if he talked over everybody else? I mean, what do you think? That's a good pick, that.

Do you know what? My laptop at home, when we do the trail and stuff like that, we have to key into Times Towers. It's propped up on a couple of cookery books and Alastair Campbell's book, Winners. Did you ever read Winners? It sounds a little bit like it should be in the Jilly Cooper series, doesn't it?

But it's not like that at all. Oh, we enjoyed meeting Jilly Cooper, didn't we? Yes. I don't think, doesn't it? Oh, we enjoyed meeting Jilly Cooper. I don't think Jenny enjoyed meeting us, but we enjoyed meeting Jilly. She did, although we were told that she was going to give us a handwritten note afterwards. We haven't had it yet, so perhaps she isn't. Blame the post. And perhaps she didn't enjoy

meeting us. Jane Austen was my favourite part of that interview. She's very posh, isn't she, Jilly Cooper? She's very posh. I was really interested, and I wish we'd had more time. She made that... Jane asked her a question about what class she thought she was,

and she said something so specific, didn't she? Middle, upper, middle, middle. Upper, middle, middle, upper. Yes. And you just think, gosh, I really needed to know more. It was like north, north, west, north, west. Does that mean that you've got fish knives and you don't use them? Or you don't have fish knives at all?

Or that somebody else puts them out. You've inherited your fish knives. Yes, yes, yeah. I've got another question, Gabby. We're running out of time. What's been the best compliment a stranger has ever given you? Oh, somebody thought that... So you were me? No.

No. Somebody thought that I was Judi Dench's daughter once. Oh, gosh, that's good. She said you look like Judi Dench. Oh. Yeah. That felt nice at the time. Yeah.

It's still a lovely thing. Yes, it's lovely yeah okay what's about no sorry i don't get to ask it back um oh god that's a terrible question do i have to askphrase that do I look kind do I look kind do I look kind I know you to be kind so that's a good response do I look kind I've always said you're a very generous person

do you look kind I think you can look kind I think you can look kind. I think you can sometimes look a tad intellectually intimidating. Oh, OK. I think I've got a resting bitch face. That was kind of what I was building up to.

But it's such a beautiful evening and we don't want to spoil the atmosphere. So we both get caught on camera, don't we? Oh dear, pulling the most terrible faces. Well, I will say, I think that one of the worst things about Times Radio So we both get caught on camera, don't we? Oh dear, pulling the most terrible faces. I will say, I think that one of the worst things about Times Radio is that it's Times TV now because it's always on camera. I just ignore it. And, you know, I mean, nobody went into radio to have to brush their hair. I specifically didn't. Yeah, exactly.

I chose it for exactly that reason, that I wouldn't have to brush my hair. Yeah. It is quite strange and you do quite often see yourself in ways that are very, very uncomplimentary but at the same time you know that they're realistic and that's quite depressing. That's the worst bit, isn't it?

At least when you have a stationary picture in Times Magazine, they can read that. Do you think I've ever been fired from a job? If so, what for? Well, I know that you have, because I know that very early doors, before radio was blessed by your arrival,

you worked as an advertising copywriter, and it was a very short-lived position, wasn't it? Well, I was a junior account executive. I'm so sorry. No, just get my title right because it's the only proper title I've ever had um unfortunately it was from the job I got fired from but never mind um I was unbelievably shit at that job but why well I it mostly involved delivering parcels around the west midlands I'd only just passed my driving test I

I'm a very small person I I was driving a large Ford Orion. This is one for the car fans in the room. A great big bustery car. Was it manual or automatic? It was manual. Was it manual? I did struggle with it. I crashed it in a car park in Coventry.

I got myself locked out of it and I once abandoned it in Wolverhampton. So I was eventually sacked at 11.17 on the morning of 5 February 1987. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Best thing that ever happened to me, as it happens. And to radio. Thank you, and indeed to radio.

But February's a cruel month to get sacked, isn't it? It's cold. Yes. It was so long ago I had to go to a phone box to tell't it? It's cold. Yes. It was so long ago I had to go to a phone box to tell my parents I'd been fired. Can you think of anything more humiliating? Were you in Wolverhampton at the time?

I was in, bizarrely, Leamington Spa. A place I have refused to visit since. Don't blame you. Have you ever been sacked? Yes. I was asked not to return to the pizza restaurant in Canterbury, where I was working as a student, because my arms weren't big enough to carry two pizzas at once.

And I was taking too long to serve the tables. You could sue for that. I could. That's discrimination. Short-arm discrimination. Go back to them and sue them. But literally, if it was a table of four, I had to go back to the kitchen twice.

And the guy said, no, we can't have this unless you can manage two pizzas. Two on each arm. Yeah, well, I don't know what they were all managing, but he said you can't. And I just remember thinking, thank God, because this is a horrible job. So off I went.

I was also really weirdly, so I'd only been 17 at the time, with absolutely no cooking, you know, professional cooking experience at all. I used to make the lasagnas for them. It was really strange looking back on it. You were allowed to do that? Yeah, because I had absolutely no knowledge of food hygiene. With your tiny, short arms. Making the lasagna.

Tiny, tiny, tiny bechamel sauce. Yeah. Yeah, it's quite weird. What was the name of the establishment? I think it was called The Pizza Place. Oh, great. Pizza restaurants are always called

just the most boring things, aren't they? Pizza Pizza. Pizza Hut. Pizza Place. Pizza The Action. Express. Pilgrims Place. They just have to put it in the title.

There's a pattern forming there, isn't there? Yeah. We've only got a few minutes left. Oh, okay. That's more questions. Oh, this is a good one. What parts of yourself do you see in me? Oh.

What parts of myself do you see? We're both quite obstinate, I think. Used to me. Right? You're so stubborn stubborn you are so stubborn I think we're both quite stubborn oh yes yes

oh gosh I don't know I suppose to be honest about it we're both ambitious we're also relatively shy egomaniacs yes we've got that funny thing of wanting to... Yes, of wanting to wave,

hey, I'm over here, but please don't look at me. It's a weird one. It's why most people are in radio. Are weird. Yes, yeah. So quite a lot of things. And obviously we are quite similar. Under five foot four.

Yes, in build. I've got to ask this one because it's so philosophical. Why do you think we met? Oh, that is a big question. Well, really, I think to massively enhance my pension. Can I just say thanks? Yes, back at you, sister. We met.

We kind of circled around each other for quite some time. And it's very difficult in broadcasting, which is a relatively small world. It's only within the last, I would say, 10 years, realistically, that women on radio have had a fair crack of the whip compared to men. Because when we were growing up, it was all endless male DJs after male DJ after male DJ on all the big music stations and some of the speech stations too. So Fee and I, it isn't a joke to say that people at BBC often didn't know which one of us was which. We were just two smallish brunette women with a sort of with nice voices and a sarky sense of humor

one was called jane apparently and the other one was called fee but they don't really mind if you get them confused you know interchangeable and they're pretty much interchangeable and we could do the same jobs and we in fact we did do some of the same jobs um and then eventually they had the idea of shoving us together but only because they suddenly looked at their list of podcasters and thought oh god we haven't got any of those things what are they called um women you know we we better get some of them to do to do a podcast but it won't be any it won't be successful but we'll let them do it and then we can't be criticized for not having them there so that was it really but um it's been our working relationship has been both productive and, can I say, incredibly enjoyable.

Not without occasional challenge, but massively enjoyable and a wonderful thing to happen, certainly at the later stages of my professional career, let's put it that way. You think that now? You're here for another 30 years. You haven't seen the contract. Well, actually, the way it is at the moment, I'd be fine with that. Because V would only be, she'd only be 85 when we stopped.

Yeah. And also, as you can tell, some days I really don't have to do any work at all. Yeah. Why do you think you might be? Well, I think for the same reason, actually, and I think, and I, so let's kind of be serious for just one tiny moment if i when i was young and starting out in the business if there had been a duo on the radio of women just talking the way that women actually do talk it would have been uh it

just would have changed the direction actually of my working life quite a lot because I think along with lots and lots of other women who were young adults in the 90s we came to our adult life thinking that we had to ape male behavior in order to succeed and I look back on that decade in my life and I don't really like the memories from it actually at all but I thought that's what I had to do because you know Chris Evans so the radio station I worked at was GLR in London it had Chris Evans, Tommy Vance, Johnny Walker, Gary Crowley I mean it was an amazing station Peter Curran, Gideon Co they're all amazing broadcasters in their own way but they are men and they of course you know they talked about music in a male way and news in a male way.

So I think that's why Jane and I met, to do something together, emboldened by each other, that actually just puts a little bit of a mark on radio. And I hope that's what we're doing. And even if it's not as grand and whatever know whatever as that we're having a right old laugh and isn't that you know that's amazing you know after 30 years in work to actually you know still be entertained by your work and be enthusiastic about it you can't wish for more you can't wish for more at all so if it's another 30 years I mean Jane will be 90 and that's fine that's very fine at News UK

that's very very fine I don't know some of the bosses are looking a bit doubtful maybe not so sure but it's a great place to work I think we've really landed on our time plus I get my freedom pass next June

so the tube thing will be a lot easier for me. But is it free during rush hour? Is it free all the time? Well, I don't come in at rush hour. When do you go home at rush hour? You don't come in before 10 o'clock. I'll start going home later.

I'll just, I'll only come or leave when it's free. Well done for getting to the end of another episode of Off Air with Jane Garvey and Fee Glover. Our Times Radio producer is Rosie Cutler and the podcast executive producer is Henry Tribe. And don't forget, there is even more of us every afternoon on Times Radio.

It's Monday to Thursday, three till five. You can pop us on when you're pottering around the house or heading out in the car on the school run or running a bank. Thank you for joining us and we hope you can join us again on Off Air very soon. Don't be so silly. Running a bank? I know so silly. Money to bank.

I know, ladies. A lady listener. I'm sorry. Voice over on settings. So you can navigate it just by listening. Books, contacts, calendar, double tap to open. Breakfast with Anna from 10 to 11. And get on with your day. Accessibility. There's more to iPhone.