Off Air... with Jane and Fi - If it doesn't have Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, then I don't want it!

Episode Date: August 3, 2026

Jane is back! Back, back! And she returns to Fi's new Jason Derulo-inspired alter ego: they discuss the care system, misguided massage chairs, royal soap shrines, Gillian Anderson's drinks range, and collapsible bidets.There's no Visualised Monday episode this week - it's just a Monday.They also bring an update on Fringe By The Sea. Our book club pick is a collection of short stories! 'Interpreter of Maladies' is by Jhumpa Lahiri. You can check out our YouTube channel here: https://www.youtube.com/@OffAirWithJaneAndFiOur most asked about book is called 'The Later Years' by Peter Thornton.If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producers: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, greetings, everybody. We are back to Offair with Jane and Feet. And Eve. And Eve's in the room. Yeah. Briefly, between holidays, Eva's rejoined us. Hannah is outside on the desk, but she's here in our hearts. Yes, very much so, very much so.

Now, lady, how are you? Yes, I'm all right, thanks. I'm back, back, back, back. And I'm still at that stage of returning to what passes for my normal life where I'm just blinking with relief and a certain element of just delight. I'm just embracing all my old domestic routines. How's your dad?

He is all right. I mean, I have mentioned in the past, obviously my mum died just before Christmas. My dad is nearly 93. He's 93 in three weeks, four weeks, very soon. And he is in hospital, but is coming out of hospital today and going into a care home. And I say this and I probably won't say anymore because it's not

fair on him because I remember I was discussing in the past that our mothers had both tried to listen to the podcast and I hadn't liked it because there was too much laughter. I'm not even sure my dad knows it really exists. So I think to say anymore would just be unfair on him. But I will, what I will say is that in common with lots and lots of people, I have been fully exposed now to the reality of what is going on in the NHS and all those conversations last week around social. care as well. They were so... pertinent. Yes. We're certainly not the only family, by any stretch,

living through all this and the repercussions of it and the implications of it. But he's had great care at Liverpool's main hospital. People will know which one it is. And there are only two? And he's in the one called Aintry. So it's... And I can't fault the staff. They've been brilliant actually. And so patient. So patient with, shall we say, some, you know, occasionally quite challenging individuals, not my dad actually. But it's tough. It's a tough old environment. And I think a lot of people will definitely understand that the real difficulty, I think not just with older people, but is getting into the hospital, any hospital,

wherever you are in the UK, is actually the hardest thing of all at the moment, because you've got to get through A&E and you've got to endure. They have to find a bed. They've got to get your bed. Yeah. And you may well be on the corridor. and for various reasons, a complicated story, Dad was taken to hospital twice the week before last, and that meant that he had two separate A&E experiences, but on both occasions, I was with him on both occasions, and there were around, and I tried to count to be completely accurate,

because I don't want to exaggerate, but I just want to be honest, there were about 11 or 12 people on trolleys in the corridor at A&E on both occasions. And they're individuals with their own stories varying in age from, I know, look like late teens, right up to 90s and probably beyond, actually, in one case I saw. And it's, you know, they've been triage. They're not just dumped in the corridor. So the staff are obviously concentrating on the really seriously ill people. But it's just really tough.

I mean, some of these people were there on their own. Well, I think also, Jane, an awful lot of people who haven't witnessed it. And you don't wish it on people at all, but don't realise that. care is now accepted in a hospital which I think would really, apart from anything else, flabbergast the older generation

if they were looking ahead from the heyday of the NHS to where we are now that it has become accepted that a corridor is somewhere where somebody is being cared for so your dad is moving to a care home and it's a care home that he knows

Well, he's aware, it's in the area he's always spent his entire life and he has visited people there in the past. And again, this is something I mean, other people will know about this. You can only choose a care home on the basis of, if you're lucky, recommendation and on proximity and whether or not they've got a bed. It's as simple as that. And if they haven't, well, you have to go somewhere else. And then there's the financial implications of it all. And it's, you know, it's not. It's not. easy for anyone involved in these decisions and my sister and i've been able to work together on this but if you're an only child and i've said this before this all falls on you oh my goodness i mean yes and i don't know how they do it unbelievably difficult and also the proximity thing i think then really really comes into play jane so you know if you live my if you're an only child and you live a long way away from the parent who needs your help uh you know factoring that in as well as well as you know well, I think is so, well, I know it's incredibly difficult for people. So, yes, the system is creaking.

I mean, I don't want to make the personal political, but actually Andy Burnham last week did speak very movingly, very touchingly actually, about his family's experience of social care because his father has dementia. And he said, I think, some very valuable things. Just, you know, the people who are caring for, for his dad are invaluable to the family and have enabled the family

to actually carry on being able to have their lives as well which is such an important part of it and also a lot of them come from abroad they are very welcome here they're welcome because they're treating people in a time of need so it's very important to be respectful

about them. I thought it was very good that he brought that to the party actually because I'm sure it's not easy to do everybody wants to be very cynical about politics at the moment So I thought of you when he was saying that. Well, yes, I mean, you know what I'm like. I was thinking of me when he said it to. Let's just own it.

But you know what I think one of the problems with social care is actually that phrase social care, because I think, I don't think a lot of people don't know what it means. Well, also it means so much. And it means everything from taking care of an S-E-N-D child right the way through to bed blocking in the very elderly and dementia care and end-of-life care. What is, what phrase could,

we use that would make people just engage with it a bit more? Because I think also let's, I mean, again, could absolutely and has applied to me. It's just an area I've chosen not to think much about. I was obviously aware that my parents are getting older, as we all are, but I wasn't quite sure whether it would end, my mum died in hospital, for example, so this didn't crop up with her. And in many ways, she had an absolutely gold star exit. And it's not been that easy for my dad. He's had a tougher diagnosis and, you know, it's been properly difficult for him. And I've been very impressed by his courage actually in plugging along, but, you know, not easy. So, yeah, let's try and think of another way of actually describing it all.

And I just think we do have to probably own the fact that we are going to have to pay more tax. I don't see any other way around it. And I don't like the expression death tax. And I know people want to be able to leave something to their children and grandchildren. and let's try and come up with a way of people pay a bit, but not everything they've saved. And all of us have to start paying into some form of, I don't know, would it be, is it a kind of insurance thing you need to start as soon as you start working?

I mean, who knows? Bigger brains than mine are going to have to work on this. So when we were talking about it last week on the live show, quite a few people messaged in to say, take a look at what Ireland did. and they had a kind of a lottery sweepstake, that would be the wrong terminology for it, that created a windfall of money in order to change the system.

We did have a suggestion not to call anything a death tax, but a small charge on your estate after you had died, which is a much nicer way of putting it. You know, there's a whole, everything from the tiniest infinitesimal description right to the very, very big problem of paying for it that actually needs a bit of a revamp. But we do have another review coming. That's annoyed people as well.

I mean, it's being done by Louise Casey. Personally, I think she is a great lifter-upper of stones and what she finds underneath gets a jolly good airing, but we're not long after the last great big review. So I don't... Well, anyway, let's hold our fire on that one. You know, I think it's good that it will be right at the... top of the agenda again. But yes, I mean, people's experiences, you say, you know, that you didn't

know much about it. I mean, I think that's... I'd chosen not to know. I absolutely put my head in the sand. But I think that's a very, very natural and not... Even though I'd done interviews about it for many years. It's so ridiculous. It is a massive part of the problem that until you're in it, you don't realize the overwhelming extent of it. But equally, I'm not sure that every life, you know, on a day. day-to-day basis has to be lived with the worst eventuality being considered. I think that's a bit of a, it's a bit of an ask. And if you think of the tone of our last Prime Minister who was trying to make us do that about everything, it didn't work. No, because it was a little bit doomy. And whereas Mr.

Burnham's spreading a bit of sunshine, isn't he? The weather's been good since he took over. Andy Burnham's policy burps, they just come over a day. I did notice that. There was a big belch every single morning last week. There's a very, very big burp, and I'm enjoying them. I'm enjoying them. Well, I should also have said that whilst there was a lot of chatter on the wireless last week, because I was listening in about all the heat, it wasn't actually that hot on mercy side at all us. It was about 20 Celsius and mostly rather grey skies and a little bit of a breeze. So it was kind of slightly welcome. There was even rain. I noticed there was rain. Now you're just boasting. I'm sorry. Yet again, it's better.

in Liverpool. There was rain on a number of occasions, which was most welcome. So... Is it becoming an increasingly appealing appealing place for you to retire too? Yes, maybe I should. But I think it's

when you're away from home, when you don't expect to be away from home, that it can be, even at my advanced age, quite discombobulation. Sorry, even at your advanced age? How old are you now? 108. No, you're just that how I feel. 62?

Yeah, you were going to say 63 then. Almost did. Yeah. You're 62. And Raimondo is nearly 93. Nearly 93. And your mum lived to be 92. 91.

91. And a half. Have you considered the possibility that you have half your life again ahead of you. Believe me, I have been thinking about that over and on. And again, that's another, when you spend a bit of time in a hospital with, you know, let's be honest, older residents. Yeah, you do find yourself asking all those questions. How long should we live for? And because really, it should be about quality and not necessarily quantity.

And there's a lot of people putting in a proper shift, not just working in the NHS with older people, but visiting them. And I was talking to a few of the other visitors last weekend. Some of them were in much more challenging circumstances than me with my dad, who doesn't have dementia. So it was on the whole happy to sit and chat to me. Well, do you remember that lovely bit of storyline in Leonard and Hungary Pool? Oh, yes. About being a hospital visitor, yeah. And having your eyes open to thousands of different emotions and lives and all of that.

It's a great, great thing. Yes, I mean, that's the other thing. When you're in one of those A&E bays, because my dad wasn't on the corridor for long. I don't want to suggest he was there for hours because actually on neither occasion was he on the corridor for hours. And I need to absolutely be honest about that. But in the A&E bay where he was taken to, you are exonerable. exposed to all these family crises unfolding around you, some involving older people, but not all of them by any stretch of the imagination. And it's, you know, it's bloody tough.

It is. It is actually brutal and very exposing. On the other side of the story is just to emphasise again how good the can, compassionate the care has been. Were you visited by anybody from Hospital Radio asking if Raimondo wanted to have a track played? I'm not actually sure there is a hospital radio station at that one. I think there is at the Royal Liverpool Hospital, but I could be wrong because when I was in my very first job after uni, I worked at the Royal Liverpool Hospital as a medical records clerk. And there was a hospital radio station. I worked on Bromley Hospital Radio.

Did you? Of course, yes. And were you a DJ? Yes, I did some presenting work. And how did that go? That was fine. Well, was it fine for you or fine for the listeners? Well, I don't know. I only mentioned hospital radio because I heard a contributor to Kenner.

Bruce's show. What have you been listening to that? Sometimes I like to listen to a little, just a tiny bit of greatest hits radio. Just to be clear, she said, greatest hits. You can't say it on the other way, greatest hits radio. And he had a caller. I love the way that Ken is with his callers, because he manages to do that thing that is so rare to be able to pull off where he is both kind and compassionate and knowing at the same time.

It's a very fine line to cross over into having a giggle at someone's expense, which would just be incredibly unpleasant. But he had a caller who was a DJ on hospital radio, and I think Ken was very much his hero. And it was just a wonderful exchange. But it did make me think, wow, hospital radio must be really up against it now. You'd have to be very, very dedicated. Because, I mean, presumably your dad had forms of entertainment through a phone and a screen and all of that.

I mean, hospital radio existed because there was nothing else. couldn't play a radio on a ward. It's a good question actually. They didn't, it wasn't on his ward. They didn't have those individual tellies, which they do have on some other wards. I guess it depends how old the ward is. Yes.

To be honest, none of the chaps where he was would have been interested in any entertainment, really. Right. Dad had his couple of hardbacks from the library. But I'm not... It's funny, he was saying how hard it is to concentrate on reading because there's always... I mean, you're never more than 10 minutes away

from someone coming along with a trolley, either with drugs to take your blood pressure or to have a conversation with you about what you want for the meal the next day. Have you ever had? You know, when you're lying... Oh, gosh. Well, the last time I was in hospital,

which actually was a long time ago, it was after my daughter was born. I just couldn't believe that I was being asked to choose food for the following day. And also, I just kept on hoping would be gone by then. Well, it's deflect. It is very hard to get yourself inside the mind. What am I going to feel like?

And they give you the options. And obviously there's quite a lot of shouting because a lot of the chaps were deaf. So it was all that all I'd say is to anyone who's experienced the NHS all day breakfast thoughts and prayers, I've seen it and I've smelt it. And I'm just not certain I could eat it. But it was certainly on offer. It's, yeah, I do remember a meal I had in, because any time as I've been in hospital as an adult maternity, which I don't think you can really compare to anything else, can you? It's not.

I've never, I've been very fortunate. I've never been an inpatient apart from. that as an adult. And I remember one meal which was entirely white, cod, mashed potato and cauliflower. And it was just... Bair. Yeah, well it wasn't, it was kind of slightly odd. It's one of the Faro and Ball white colours. I don't know what it would be.

But it wasn't... It really was the opposite of appetising. I think it would probably be called Ake. Yes, well, yes, that would be. Farrow and Ball Ake. It's an NHS white. Well, we mustn't dis it Because where would we be without it? Oh my God, and imagine this summer if you're working in an NHS kitchen.

Blimey, oh, riley. Yeah, it must be tough. Anyway. So, we made a decision about the North Berwick show and given everything that you've just said about what's happened over the last week or so, we really hope that people will understand because although your dad is moving into hopefully a more settled place,

there is just a possibility Well, I mean, let's say you need to be somewhere urgently. Yeah, and I will pop back later on this week to just see how he's getting on. My sister's with him at the moment. You know what it's like, yeah, it's just an endless, and I'm not complaining because we have many advantages. It's just a juggle. We're all trying to do as much as we can to make sure we can carry on a semblance of our normal lives whilst dad's okay. And my sister's kids are all right and my job.

I mean, it's just one of those endless juggles. But the straw that might break the camel's back is a mass. massive trip to do something up to Scotland. Massive because we live down here in... Not massive in any other. And by the way, I'm so sorry about this because it's such a lovely event. It's a lovely lovely event. And we thoroughly enjoyed it last year.

We really did. And we are very, very keen to go next year. Let's hope that can happen. But what we can say, and we really... I hate disappointing people. I know that this is absolutely not something we do without just cause. but we do want to say that there is still the opportunity to hear the brilliant and see the brilliant Jan Ravens in conversation with Ruth Davidson.

Yeah. So we also made the decision to ask somebody else to do it because personally I think that you and I, you know, our show is you and I and quite a lot of the show in as much as it had been. It's not really wrong. Darling, don't overthink it. No, exactly. Nobody has. But, you know, it is very much reference to the podcast.

And we completely understand that's why people want to come. So we decided we would just not go this year. Ruth Davidson has stepped up and stepped in. She'll be absolutely brilliant. For the audience in North Berwick, that is just superb, very entertaining. She's sharp as a attack. She will do a very brilliant job. You can still see Jan.

So do still go is what we're saying, but we're sorry it's not us. We really are. And Jan is fantastic. I've been listening to a bit of Dead Ringers. And she is excellent at... And I don't mean in any way to diss the woman in question because she does a brilliant Sue Mitchell, who is a truly towering BBC. She's fabulous. And she's done so many brilliant investigative podcasts.

She is a wonderful and talented and brave woman. But Jan just does... Absolutely brilliant impersonation of her, which I do urge people to catch when they listen to Dead Ringers. Well, I tell you what, if you do go along to the Ruth Davidson, Jan Ravens show in North Berwick, do ask Jan if she does an impersonation of either of us. Well, I interviewed her once and she did, because she's from the Wirral. Yeah, but you don't really have an accent.

No, but she could definitely do my kind of Ponzi Liverpool accent. I see I can't hear I remember when you said when we first came to work here at Times Radio and you mentioned something about being a scouser to John Pinar and he just couldn't believe it what does he know he supports Crystal Palace

we'd work with him for about 20 years I can't believe he didn't When you go back Not as if I don't bang on about it Does the accent come back I probably comes back when I'm Yes it probably does come back So last week you would probably have

you know, headed back into... When I was... Yes, probably. I'd like to hear that, wouldn't you? No, no, no one needs to hear it. No. One of the things I really remember about my mom is the way... You know when people used to answer the phone with the number?

Yes. My phone number was 1-7-8. And so she would answer the phone and she'd just say, 1-7-8. And in that very kind of 1-7-8 in this kind of... It was just like, it still still... here are doing it and it was just slightly clipped but

you know just made it clear that she was a little bit rarefied okay yeah and she wouldn't say the geographical vicinity first because we used to go Winchester 54908 we'd identify that it was I think we assumed that somewhere maybe even in Basingstoke

there was another 54908 when we were just the Winchester variety we never gave the location just an intriguing times what did you do in your house is this another niche area of conversation? For the first time... For the first time ever, I got a bill

from the broadband provider telling me that I would have to pay extra for a landline because we've all gone fibre optic. Oh, I went fibre optic just before. And that's changed, isn't it? Because you always used to get a landline for years, I haven't needed a landline. And I have been saying to BT, literally,

for about the last 15 years, why am I paying for a landline? We don't have a phone on the landline. and a very patient engineer person has explained to me that that's the line that the Wi-Fi is coming in on but this time round I've been told that if I want to have a home phone I'm going to have to pay extra for it and of course I'm delighted to be able to tell you

that we've functioned perfectly adequately as a family for the last 15 years without a landline so we don't need one now, thank you very much. Right, so you've said no to it. I've said no to it with pride. I haven't noticed any fibre optic boost in our house so I don't quite know what's supposed to have happened but I suppose I haven't been there for most of the time

but I did leave my youngest child in charge of the house and it was her task didn't seem insurmountable but practically every house plant has died there are three I know and I'd really looked after these things and it didn't seem like the biggest task this door is still all right oh she's fine God she's absolutely fine

she's been prancing around with a couple of baby foxes and the easy grass living her best life yeah I came back on Saturday night and there wasn't a flicker. It's like she just hadn't noticed that I've been... It's so hurtful, isn't it? It's quite hurtful. Very good. Just before I forget, have you seen and have you discussed Android? We talked about it with Scott Bryan. Right. So we've not talked about it on the podcast.

Have you seen it? I've seen two episodes of it. I thought... So you referred to something funny at the end of episode two. Was it the Richard Osmond gag? I do. I was it? I don't know. Did I? I've lost in the midst of time. No, I don't think, because I hadn't seen it before I went to Liverpool. I watched it in Liverpool. Okay. Well, there's just a tiny joke. Yes, there's a little bit of a gag about Richard Osmond's books.

Yeah, which I decided. It caught me by surprise. I've finished it now and I can honestly say that I think it's the best comedy I've seen on any form of television platform for decades. Now, maybe it's just because it seemed like at a time in my life. Yeah, and because you refuse to watch quite a lot of the other things. recommended. If you used to watch, that's also true.

But I do think Diane Morgan is an absolute genius. And I know she co-wrote it with a one called Sarah Kendall, so kudos to them both. And Sue Johnston has just always been brilliant. She's so, so good in everything and always has been. No, I just, I bloody loved it. It's an absolute work of genius. And have you got to the bit where Linda, the robot,

wonders what the taste of ice cream is like? No, I haven't. I've only done two. Oh God, it's really sad. But I also think it's done something really crazy that I didn't think it was going to do, which is to slightly nudge us towards a more positive outlook on what AI is bringing us. And I wasn't expecting it to do that. I thought it might be doing the complete opposite.

I so want a robot carer. Yeah, it's a pro-robot. Yeah, it is, isn't it? Eve, before we get to the morning register and some of your lovely emails, how are you? Here she is. I'm very well, thank you. I'm well rested. Oh, my God, because you did need a rest.

Until the next holiday. Rosie says you've got five days left. How much leave do you get? Just out of interest. Well, we actually get a decent amount here because we work bank holidays. So we get them back. Yes. And it seems like that.

Which bank holidays have you worked? I'm really kidding. Oh, Lordy. But you had a lovely time in an island beginning with Kay? Correct. Yes. And it was the right one? We got there safely.

This one was quite straightforward because you can fly straight into it. Okay. No, it was really, really nice, thank you. Excellent. Well, you look incredibly well and very well rested. How's your throat? Also well. Yeah, it's very well.

Yeah, you do. You do. Holidays suit you. I think I'll be taking more. Oh, God. Yeah, practice makes perfect. Our early morning register has started. So, Jane, this just began,

I think when you were still here the week before last, when we were thinking that people wouldn't listen to a podcast like this first thing in the morning. Whatever this is. Because you and I, I think, is pretty ingrained in us that we need to start the morning with the news update. Oh, yes. I know what's going on in the world. Yes, and then I'd move on to entertainment a little bit like dessert

late in the day. Yes. Many people don't do it that way anymore. I'm disgusted. I'm heartened. Oh, are you? Yes, I'm very heartened. Why shouldn't you wake up and be bloody miserable like we are for the first couple of hours?

I'll tell you what, it's going to make listening to Ken Bruce an awful lot more of a guilt-free experience for me. So we say a very good morning, on the morning register to Claire Jones, who's listening to us in Cambridgeshire, Deleth, who has also done a huge shout-out to the Key Swim at Mitchett Lake, which sounds absolutely. Absolutely beautiful and gorgeous, and we're very, very happy to give that a little bit of a plug. Anne is a morning register type person. She usually tunes in at about 5.30 a.m. Wow. Yes, 530 a.m.

And Helen Barker, hello, just to let you know when you talked about nobody would be wanting to listen at, say, 745. I looked at my watch and you guessed it. 744. So not 745. Well, that's pedantic. Welcome back. Right. I am quite stunned that people don't listen to the news when you first work out.

It's funny, isn't it? But you're right, it is just totally ingrained in me. I would just think, well, what if something had happened and I hadn't heard about it? So, yeah, and that's it, isn't it? Because even in times of my life where I've listened to music radio in the morning, and I did, you still love Sean Kevney in the morning. Oh, my word, I'm still missing. I still miss him. But you knew that you were going to get some banging BBC news headlines. on the half hour and a bulletin at the top of the hour.

Yeah. So with this, I mean, there's light news sprinkled across it. We would tell you if the world was about to end. Right. Now, you were talking about the Odyssey last week. I haven't seen it, have you? Oh, yes. Oh, right, and? Well, it is a cinematic romp.

Okay. I'm up for it, I hope to say. Yeah, I think you'll really enjoy it. I think it's impossible not to, because you're loving your cinema again. Oh, yes, after jungle crews. post-COVID. I've never looked back. So this is very much Jungle Cruise. Is Dwayne the Rock

Johnson in it? No, but some pretty similar. There's quite a lot of naked torsos on display. There are quite, as we commented last week, there are quite a lot of Odysseus' men who seem to come from New York. Oh, really? Yes. And they provide a very interesting

backdrop of vision. And yeah, I think you'll love it. Okay. Well, we've got a couple of critics who've been in touch. Julia says, you said you wanted people to write in about Odyssey. Well, we loved it. All the way home, we just kept saying that was epic. I was also very glad I've listened to two,

the rest is history episodes before I watched. Now, she also says, Love the Pod and Hannah and Eve's extras. Julia, well, lots of people have commented on how brilliant Hannah was last week. Not to say, of course. Eve isn't equally brilliant. Exactly. But thank you.

I want to start a fight. No. Thank you for that, Julia. And would I, because I'm no expert, But would I benefit from educating myself about the story? Well, I think you would, but then I can't take away the fact that I definitely knew something about it before going to see it. And I know that lots of people, I think about 70% of people in the cinema that we watched it in had no idea what the Odyssey was. How do you know that?

Well, they were very, very young. Oh, I see. Yes. And they were, I think they were there for the cast, actually. The cast has brought in loads of those people who would otherwise have seen Tom Holland and Zendaya and Spider-Man. Right, yeah, which is also... Which is also on.

Yeah. And they're married. I know. I didn't know this. I'm happy. What? Yes. And they kept their wedding private.

Like really private. Did they? Okay. Yes. Yeah. She British? I've got no idea when Zendaya is from. She's so lovely.

Yes. I've had to be her. Well, in many ways. I mean, do you think I'm Times Radio's send there? People have said that. Callum McDonald said I was Times Radio's. Jason Terulo. What's going on?

I don't know what's wrong with Callum. Jason Derrillo. It was very hot. Jason Terrullo. Eve come in and explain. So I didn't hear this. A friend of mine, text him in, said, Callum McDonald's just described his Times Radio's Jason DeRue.

She's like, what's happened? Are you sure? I haven't heard this. I can't even imagine how he's been. make that connection. But I'm... That's quite a leap. I can do start as routine if you want.

All I know about Jason Derrillo is that he would say his own name in music. She's a Rula. He's very smooth. Yeah, really? He's very smooth. Honey, I'll take it. He's a smooth operator. I'll absolutely take it.

Back with you. Catherine in Northumberland. My thoughts on the Odyssey, I loved it. I didn't know the original story or poem. Well, nor do I know. So I felt that I was taken on a wonderful adventure. I thought it was powerfully and impressively done I was so gripped that I didn't even pee for the three hours.

The soundtrack is iconic. I've also found it really hard to spell Odyssey. I'm never totally sure where the Y's and the E's go. No, me too. But they're a great band. I mean, Native New Yorker is one of the best songs ever, isn't it? I love that song. No, I don't particularly like New York.

Catherine in Northumberland, thank you for that. And I'm glad. I mean, to go three hours without a whittle is some achievement. and an epic of its own, really. I mean, worthy of a poem, I would have thought. So I think you should treat yourself sometime this week and go and sit. I would say that because it is the three hours, you definitely need to go to a cinema with the very comfy seats.

Yeah. I think that helps enormously. My boyfriend's going to see it on Thursday. He asked me to accompany him. Oh, lovely. But I declined after it was £27 for a ticket. Yeah, it is expensive. Where is this?

He's going in Greenwich. But is he going to some kind of a... I think it's a kind of bigger screen. Well, we were in Kefalonia. We rented a boat and we went to Ithaca. So in a lot of ways, I've done an odyssey. Oh, gosh, Eve. How dreamy.

It was really nice. Yes. Did that cost 27 quid? No, it was a much better bang for my buck, actually. Yeah. Exactly. 27 quid. I mean, surely he'd pay for you if you're courting.

He's going by himself now. He's going by himself. Fair play. Do you want my son went to see the 4D Odyssey, which you can do, which is one of those cinemas where... Sorry, I'm confusing now. Is it bigger than I, Max? Yeah, so this is where the seat that you're in

is responsive to what's happening on the movie, in the movie. So when there is a fight scene, your seat shakes. When there is billowing smoke, that's coming into the cinema with you. I mean, I think these are astonishing tickets. He was a very, very, very lucky young man to go. and he did say that actually by the end of three hours your senses are quite numbed it's a lot I mean it is a violent movie

the noise alone and if everything was jiggling around and shaking and spears were actually coming at you oh my god didn't survive no I mean it's like you know at my pedicure place I'm liking this leap they offer you the vibrating massage chair

and I always say no Because it's the most uncomfortable. What is that about? I do you know what, Jane, I'm so glad you've mentioned this. Yeah, you see? You thought I was going somewhere that you wouldn't... No, this is... It was right.

This is music to my ears. Okay, good. At my hairdressers, they've got the back massage seats when you go for your basin work. And my point would be this is made for an average height person. Is that the problem? Yeah, when the back massage comes on, it's just... No, my kidneys aren't there. They just aren't.

They're much lower down. No, my shoulder blades aren't there. I mean, the whole thing is so uncomfortable. It's appalling, and God alone knows who enjoys it. What height do you have to be to benefit from one of those weird chairs? Oh, yeah, but also I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what facial expression I'm allowed to use.

I'm in public. What am I meant to be displaying on my face while this is happening to my rear end? Someone is tackling the rough skin on the soles of my feet. It's altogether. It's very peculiar. It is peculiar. I don't know what our grandmothers would have thought of all this. I really don't.

Well, they just would have said no, wouldn't they? It just would have said no. Don't be ridiculous. Don't encourage them. That's what my granny would have said. Don't encourage them. Sarah's in East London. Following on from your chat about men's pants,

I wanted to ask if anybody else got the it from the American use of panties. Yeah, absolutely. horrible. Massively so, massively so. I have two teenage girls. We're definitely a pants family, occasionally knickers, but not necessarily related to the type of the undergarment, a selection of thongs, Brazilian shorts and pants. And Sarah is also an early morning listener, usually on her commute to work. I'm going to save genital adjacent owl names for later in the week, so I feel it's just a bit too much. Actually, on a Monday. We should say, back in the south, It's 35 Celsius again in London today, which is seriously peculiar.

Anyway, what should we bring in? The other fee from the other Dalston, do you remember? Oh, yes. She's got a royal... Let's just settle ourselves down with a royal anecdote. Oh, this one about Princess Margaret. Yes. Your recent discussions on being in service

reminded me that when I was growing up in the 80s, my parents had some friends whose daughter worked as a maid for the royals. When they went to visit them one day, the parents, not the royals, we were proudly shown to their downstairs toilet. We all crammed in to be shown a bar of soap taking pride of place on the windowsill. For behold, the soap had belonged to none other than Princess Margaret. Apparently she only ever used a bar of soap once before it was disposed of and replaced with a fresh one. Our friend's daughter had pilfered the cast-out soap from one of the palaces and it now formed some kind of bizarre shrine in our

friend's downstairs facility. There was much cooing and ooing and a-ring, along with murmurs of surprise from my mother that Princess Margaret didn't use imperial leather, which as everyone of a certain age knows, was a soap only used by those who truly made it in life. I guess, however, in the case of Margaret, she didn't need a small rectangle of embossed cardboard in the centre of her soap to announce her status to the world. Brilliant. Other fee from Dolston, the other Dawson, thank you very much for that. And what a lovely little bit of settling royal trivia that was

Princess Boy. That was true that Imperial Leather had that very special thing in the middle. It did, didn't it? But it meant that it just looked like a tattie soap after the first time you used it. That's the problem with soap, isn't it? I've sort of gone back to hand soap, but and I've got a soap dish and I'm very proud of it.

But it does always need tipping out, get the residue in there and it goes a bit squelchy, really, really so no wonder people prefer the liquid stuff. Yeah. I now have both. Well, that's very canny.

Very, very canny. I realize, because I'm doing a lot of hand washing with the pets, I hope you are too. And I did, I just... I did a lot of hand washing in hospital last week, yes. I looked at the soap bars and I just thought, actually, I'm not sure that they're clean, to be honest. I mean, if you've got dirty hands and you pick up the soap bar. Oh my God, yes. And you give it a bit of...

Aren't you then putting it quite a dirty? So I found myself, you know, trying to... melt some of the soap off the soap bar under the hot tap before putting it back on the soap dish so that the germs had gone and I thought that's ridiculous just get a pump dispenser. I know that your ex-husband finds them very difficult to operate but most of us have got past that.

It was a fantastic column. He hasn't written a column about that, has he? Well, he did and it was just quite funny because it was one of those days and this can happen to all of us Jane. I mean, let's face it, the trivia of life keeps us going on this podcast. But it was just the place as it emerged on my phone.

There was a very serious piece of news that was being discussed by a very serious columnist above it. And then there was a picture of A. Jarin Charles saying, I can no longer cope with my hand-pumped dispenser. I just thought. I know that feeling.

It's little things that tip us over the edge. Oh, Mike and Norwich are sent in this apropos of nothing in particular. This is just superb. I was interested in what this. Hotel and Bologna chose as its top selling points. So there's a picture of a very lovely neoclassical hotel are all stucco-fronted. It's three-star. It's the Donatello and it describes itself as hotel, innovative, collapsible B-Day. And they've chosen to highlight that. That's the headline.

That's all you see when you're on, I think it's a well-known advisor site, isn't it? It's 0.5 miles from the centre and it gets a rating of 7, which is fair. But it is billed as innovative, collapsible B-Day. And it's got, I think the hotel has three stars. Three stars. Three stars. I don't think you ever want your B-Dade to collapse. Do you?

I don't... What advantage is it having a collapsible B-Day? I can't. No, I don't know. No. It's a good spot, Mike. It's a very, very good spot. Yes, thank you, Mike.

Very much indeed. I just want to briefly venture to Ireland and Rachine, who sent us this. Umbrella hats. Were you discussing umbrella hats last week? We were. And just define an umbrella hat. So an umbrella hat is the tiny umbrella, probably about 12 inches in diameter, that you can push up and you wear it on the top of a headband. Yeah.

And you'll be wearing that instead of having to use an umbrella or wear a hat. Okay. Well, Rishin says, I've never tried one on. I don't have a particular view on them. But I can say for certain that they're loved by Irish farmers, or at least by my 70-something-year-old cousin once removed. He got the hat from one of his children who'd brought it back, the States and didn't hesitate to put it to good use on the Irish fields. It was a revelation to him that he could have full use of two hands for all his various farming errands without needing a

restrictive, clammy raincoat or cap blocking his vision. Neighbors would regularly comment with a smile that they saw him in his tractor or on his bike in the colourful hat. It was quite the conversation starter. In case you didn't know, wearing anything outside the norm in small town island risks a nickname that will be with you for life, e.g., the now famous tweet, props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in Ireland, I wore a red berry once in Waterford, and someone called me Super Mario.

That's the problem. Oh dear. Rishin, thank you for that. A few months then had passed, and we hadn't seen the hat. There were concerns he'd lost it. It'd have blown away or he'd fallen out of love with it. Turns out, he had to stop wearing it out and about

as it was creating near misses, and delays down the main road with rubberneckers catching a glimpse of the hat as he passed by. Right. I mean, sometimes life moves slowly in rural areas. And I'm not saying Ireland's quieter than anywhere else, but yeah, that sounds like quite the talking point in County Waterford. We were trying to work out why the younger generation hadn't come up with something very Instagramable to protect your blow dry, because the blow dry is such a massive thing. is such a massive thing in the young generation.

You know, there are young women who are spending hours perfecting beautiful, beautiful hair in a country that, not this summer, but usually, where it rains a lot. And our grandmothers, and in fact our mothers, would have had no shame. Yeah, but they would have a plastic cat, wouldn't they? You know, plastic. A raincoat. A rain hood.

A rain hood. Yeah. That you did up under your chin and they would wear all of those with pride. But that's not really a thing. in the youthful generation. I don't know how they're all coping. And as far as I can make out, do your children use umbrellas? Well, they do, but I don't. Interesting. Because I've never liked them. Okay. So I would be quite keen to get an umbrella hat, actually. Yeah, I can see you in it. I can be honest. And one of our lovely listeners came up with some

fantastic merchandising. So it was a plastic bonnet that had our mug shots on the side of it. Oh, definitely go for that. Yeah. We're also going to try and get on to the shelves of well-known supermarkets, Hannah's shit-yourself salad. What are the ingredients? It went down very well. I bet. There's a lot of ingredients going on in the shit shelf.

Shit shards. Yes, we briefly in the office elighted upon Gillian Anderson's new drink. His her G-spot drink. What, is that all? Could you explain it? Maybe you tried it. I mean, I think I'm all for G-plan.

I'm a big fan of the furniture. I think it's rather retro and trendy now, isn't it? But what's she on about? It's some, presumably, some fruit-based beverage, is it? But she's got it into marks and sparks. I mean, now we're just doing, actually, let's not look it up.

Let's not look it up because we're doing. Well, we're just doing her job for her, aren't we? Well, I don't, I mean, I don't think we are. I think on the basis of this conversation. You think she's doing all right anyway. And the tone of it, I think probably we're not really advertising it. Here we go. I'm reading this from the Times.

I went straight to the app. I'll tell you what, you know your onions. So here we go. Marks and Spencer wants some reason. Gillian Anderson, the Hollywood star, known for a one of you. We'll see her soft drinks brand G-spot on the shelves of 350 M&S stores from this week.

Surely not in Chiswick. Anderson, 57, secured the deal after meeting the retailer's chief executive, Stuart Maitian. No age on Stuart. How old are you, Stuart? Note that. Let's look it up, actually, so we tell how old is.

During a photo shoot for her promotional role, as M&S's Chief Compliments Officer. What? Her promotion as Eminess's Chief Compliments Officer. I'd struggle as a Chief Compliments Officer. I've been no good at that whatsoever. Earlier this year, what's going on? And I made my pitch, she said, during an interview with the Sunday Times,

over a can of G-spot in a dish-o restaurant. You want to be gone, very, Alan Bartch. now. Machen said I was very intrigued by her range, so I tried all the products and I think it would be popular. All my female friends told me they would buy the range. Have we stocked it in M&S? Let's see what's actually in it.

Juniper. Anderson said some retailers were nervous about the brand, while Amazon's AI tools had shadow blocked it from being seen by some shoppers, assuming it was a sexualised item. I mean, it kind of is if you call it a G-spot. You know, you meant to drink it?

Stuart's 55. 55. So just to recap on that. Stuart Machen, comma, 55, comma. And now we continue with the article. Yeah. Thank you. She did rename one of her drinks as sparkling passion fruit and habaniero concoction.

Is that the right pronunciation? I don't know, but it sounds very fruity. It's a chilly, isn't it? Quite erotic. That was previously known as arouse. Look, I mean, just have an oval teen. This drink now rebranded Awaken is designed to enhance circulation and potentially libido. Right, well, Gillian, thank you.

Asked finally, this is a very good sign off here. Asked finally whether the truth really is out there. She sighed, wow, clutching a can of G-spot, Anderson added, The truth is in here. Oh, God, Julie. Have a word with you. yourself, girl? Right.

So I do stop off in M&S sometimes on the winter work and I'm going to buy us all a can a G-spot tomorrow. We're going to see what happens. Well, we don't know whether your local branch are stocking it. Well, I think it's in Dahlston. I think it's very likely. Oh, do you think? Right, okay. Let's see. Yes, I've thrown down the gauntlet there

to the chief buyer of Dahlston's M&S, but I'd be very disappointed if it's not in there. Well, has that brought us to some kind of conclusion today? I can't really I don't really know. No, neither do I. No. I'm just thinking we're missing something here, aren't we, Jane? And our merchandising opportunities.

I think you and I should also launch a soft drink. God. What would we call us? Some of the sites sounds, and let's be honest, pongs that I've experienced over the last couple of weeks, I'm not sure I'm in the best position to come up with an erotic drink.

I'll definitely put my life to it. We'll think on it. I mean, it's funny. We can't be the only people laughing at this. No. Surely other people think this is funny too. Or is everyone just at face value saying, oh yes, I'm going to, in the evening when I get back from work, I'm not just going to eat processed cheese.

I'll have a couple of... I'll have a quick cheese spot. I'll have a cheese spot. I mean, imagine if it was on said in the canteen here. And instead of saying, you know, is everyone want to? a DC if I just shouted around the newsroom. Anyone for a G-spot? They're all on me. Ooh. Right. Jane and Fee at times.com. Thanks for bearing with. We'll be back tomorrow. Goodbye. Bye.

Congratulations. You've staggered somehow to the end of another off-air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, till four on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale and if you listen to this you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online on DAB or on the free Times Radio app. Offair is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.