Off Air... with Jane and Fi - I'll sleep on a slinky given half a chance (with Tom Allen)

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

Jane has to run off to do big business things with the big boss but, before she gets plucked from the studio, Jane and Fi discuss gentle folk, frozen peas and cat litter. Plus, they're joined by comedian Tom Allen to discuss *Deep Breath* his new Virgin Radio show, his stand-up tour 'Completely', his upcoming BBC documentary 'My Big Gay Wedding' and 'The Apprentice: You’re Fired'.If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiAssistant Producer: Eve SalusburyTimes Radio Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When they get up really, really early in the morning to go and meet Lou Sugar. Luigi. Lou Reed. That's a show I'd watch. VoiceOver describes what's happening on your iPhone screen. VoiceOver on. Settings. So you can navigate it just by listening.

Books. Contacts. Calendar. Double tap to open. Breakfast with Anna from 10 to 11. And get on with your day. Accessibility. There's more to iPhone. Are we on?

We need to start with something a bit more, a bit slicker than are we on. Isn't it sad, by the way, that the singer of the most depressing song of my youth has died? Now, which of his great, mighty love trauma songs is it? Well, it's All By Myself. Because all of us as teenagers have a little moment in our rooms with Eric Carman's All By Myself.

And the other one is Hungry Eyes. No, it's Hungry Eyes. Eyes. Not Chubby Thighs. Hungry Eyes. That was him. Okay, yeah.

I think he wrote it. I don't know whether he sung it. Did he sing it as well? Anyway, he certainly wrote it. I heard it on Smooth this morning, which I like to wrote it. I don't know whether he sung it. Did he sing it as well? Anyway, he certainly wrote it. I heard it on Smooth this morning, which I like to listen to, after I've listened to the Leaders' Panel on The Times. Oh, very much so.

Yeah, I think the segue is lovely, actually, because they're usually playing something. Quite often it'll be by Climby Fisher. Oh, yeah, I remember them. A couple of lads in vests, weren't they, Climby Fisher? Or was that Go West? I think they just opened up the vest cupboard of 1988 and they all chose one, couldn't they?

Because I think we've had this conversation before, haven't we? Brother Beyond were quite often vested. Obviously Wham were vested. And I'm sure that the Spans had vests under their great big voluminous shirts. Yeah, it is just very sensible to wear a vest. Do you?

No, we've done slips. I don't want to do vests. We've done your undergarments. It's been such a classic couple of weeks for your emails. We honestly have been. We just sit at our desks. It's not really a job, as you know. Just chortling and also sometimes, frankly, gasping

and really sympathising with you about some of the things that you've gone through. But I did love this one from, I don't think we'll mention this lady's name, but following your public health warnings about refreezing frozen veg, responsible citizens across the globe must now be pondering what to do with semi-defrosted produce once it's served its purpose on a sprain or a migraine. Well, could I suggest a method that my admittedly fairly odd neighbour has adopted for registering displeasure

at any transgressions on our cul-de-sac? I do love this. It's so British, it makes me want to squeak with delight. Is it a sprinkling of garbs? It's innovative and eco-friendly, says our correspondent, yet rooted in the best of British passive-aggressive tradition. Unwanted frozen veg as protest. A minor infringement of recycling bin etiquette usually results in a scattering of sweet corn on the perpetrator's drive.

A slightly more serious visitor parking offence in a scattering of sweet corn on the perpetrator's drive. A slightly more serious visitor parking offence could incur sliced carrots, cut lengthways if it's particularly heinous. The couple, who spent several noisy hours trimming hedges one sunny Sunday, discovered that in a vegan equivalent of the Mafia's severed horse head warning, an entire kilo of broccoli had been lobbed over their fence under cover of darkness. Just as well they were not sitting out enjoying some fresh air as that broccoli was apparently still in its packet and fairly solid.

Wow. Now, we can't say what part of the country this is. No, we better not. Well, actually, I don't know, although I'd love to know. But it is a cul-de-sac, so that narrows it down very slightly. Do you live in that cul-de-sac? Are you that passive-aggressive neighbour? So you've got to be really, really pissed off, haven't you,

to waste your it's-not-gone-off-yet or even been-opened broccoli, chucking it over the hedge. I mean, that's the point of no return, isn't it? You've reached that point. That's when you've reached tether's end. Yeah. You cannot go on anymore. I actually, am I alone in not really caring about gardening noises?

Yes, you are alone in that. Oh, okay. They drive me bonkers. Okay, yeah. I mean, maybe it's, I mean, obviously I live in a sort of city area, so we do have a bit of hedge trimming and we certainly have people furiously doing up their properties during the course of the week.

But at the weekend, I don't mind a little eucolic idyll gardening noise. It doesn't bother me quite so much. I think once it starts, if you've keyed into it, it's annoying until it stops. But also I find at the weekends there's quite a lot of DIY going on and sometimes that is tile cutting. That's quite noisy. And there's a really amazing library of things

that's opened up at our local library, which is a fantastic idea. So, you know, you can take out a jet power washer for a couple of hours. Please don't. Don't in Fee Street. Is that for your tiles? Afternoon, you have a jet washer thingy. And, you know, tile cutters and chainsaws and all of that. And quite often I want to go and live in Germany

where they're really, really puritanical about sound. So you can't even use a bottle bank, can you, at the weekends because it's too noisy. Can't you? No. Okay, they take it very seriously. Yep. I find noise pollution just really...

I'm not sure that I mind visual pollution as much as some people. I don't mind graffiti at all. I think some of it's really clever and very beautiful. But I do really mind noise. Oh, somebody did email in asking about that app thing again. It's Soundprint. Soundprint. And in fact, we have booked a ladies' night out on Thursday

based on Soundprint's recommendations. So it's taking off as the new TripAdvisor. I've never left a review on TripAdvisor. But I do read them. Well, it's quite funny, isn't it? I mean, Brian from ArtVenture, he's been everywhere. My starter was tepid. Everything.

Brian, stay home, love. Right, this one comes in from Cam, who says, loving the french exchange stories there's an incident that makes me blush with shame even four decades on from when i stayed with my french exchange isabel at their jeet just outside paris the family decided to play tennis at the local courts there was consternation i hadn't brought any tennis whites i mean would you think to pack tennis whites for your kids on holiday isabelabel wore a gorgeous skater-style white tennis dress embroidered with tiny yellow daisies.

All they could find for me, aged 13 and at the peak of adolescent gawky, was a pair of those thin white nylon tight pants that female athletes wear. It was pretty embarrassing, especially the looks and comments from Isabel's older brother. But the most embarrassing part was when they decided, after the tennis, that we would drive directly into the centre of Paris to sightsee. Walking down the full length of the Champs-Élysées

wearing only a pair of tight white nylon pants was excruciating. The second incident was when my parents, younger sister and I, aged 15, drove to France to pick up my middle sister, who had been staying with her French exchange, the incomparably named Anne-Charlotte Lamotte d'Encamp. If you can beat that name, let us know. On arrival late afternoon, Monsieur Lamotte d'Encamp,

at his most hospitable, seized my father and took him down to the cellar to educate him on French wine. My dad, either willingly or out of politeness, drank everything offered until Monsieur arrived at the dinner table totally sloshed. The embarrassing moment came at the cheese course. Monsieur passed a very smelly blue cheese to my father and said in a loud stage whisper, Mon ami, you must try this cheese.

C'est magnifique. It tastes like a woman who's not washed for a month. My mother's face was priceless as she watched my father try some and politely declare it delicious. We stayed the night trying not to listen to my dad being sick in the bathroom. Well, Cam, yep, that's two disasters. And I really, really,

really feel for you. My inner 13-year-old is with you on that excruciating embarrassment of somebody making you wear something that you my inner 13-year-old is with you on that excruciating embarrassment of somebody making you wear something that you haven't chosen that doesn't cover up the bits of your body that at the age of 13 you really, really hate.

You know, when someone, you know, from time to time lent you a swimming costume, it's kind of like, no, your boobs were too big and it didn't fit. It's kind of like, this is just, I can feel it now. It's excruciating. It melts your vertebrae with embarrassment doesn't it so i'm sorry about that and also that's just an unhygienic outfit uh to have a sweaty

paris sightseeing session in yeah i'm concerned about that i'm more concerned about what the old guy said about the cheese um let's just leave that that's just a that's just average french no careful careful yeah no we mustn't be we Yeah, no, we mustn't be. We're not being offensive. We mustn't be offensive. Another list. This is obviously a rich scene we are mining here, and it seems to happen to a lot of people around the age of 12 or 13.

This listener says, when I was 12, I was sent off to Paris for a week to live with a family. On arrival, the daughter, who was my age, and a younger brother were playing Trivial Pursuit, something I didn't have the mental capacity to play in english let alone french so already we were off to a tense start as i immediately felt patronized by both my lack of french and my lack of intelligence on one of the other days i was taken by the mother and her younger lover to the cinema

to watch a soft porn movie we really are tarring the french with a brush here um and um there is more to it here but it turned out that actually the family did speak english all along and they just didn't reveal it which is incredibly unfair and she only found out towards the end of her stay but i just want to thank the listener for saying that um she was listening to linda robson on the podcast last night the actress and said it was interesting that you touched on the subject of having a good death. This is in relation to Linda Robson's mum. It's odd to say, says our listener, but I've always done so. My mother had an incredible death.

She had an amazing life as well. And so it was true to her character that she also died well. She never conformed to society or social stereotypes. She was a maverick, an entrepreneur, an eccentric, and did everything her own way. Her funeral was utterly unique. When I dropped the children into school the following day, the headteacher, with a sombre tone, asked how it had gone

and was visibly shocked when I said, oh, it was amazing, really good, and had a big smile on my face, but it really was, says our listener. So isn't that interesting? Do you think that that might be one thing that we haven't ever really talked about to do with assisted dying, that we may come to be able to view deaths in a much more, I mean, you know, positive way is too obvious a thing to say,

but we might genuinely, if you can plan your own death, when you're going to go, who you're with, how it happens, it does change the atmosphere around death completely, doesn't it? I imagine it does. But I wonder how many of us actually have those conversations. It sounds like our emailers' mum had obviously laid down some rules, although I'm guessing, because we don't actually learn that from this email.

But I'm glad that the death, I'm assuming from this, again, it's an assumption that the death was, as we say, peaceful. And it can be. It doesn't have to be. But that's what so much of the argument about assisted dying is, isn't it? That you can choose so many other parts of your life and how you want to organise them and how you want to make them enjoyable for other people why can't your death be that too and because you would like wouldn't you um you know I'm not trying to tempt fate or hasten your end by asking you this but

wouldn't you much rather that your loved ones walked away from your final moments thinking that was a good thing for her. You know, we have had a good experience or the best experience that you can have given, you know, the fact that you're no longer around. Of course people want that. Yeah, of course. Well, they definitely do. How we achieve it, though, is... And, of course, you can't choose anything, can you? Can we get on to frozen peas? Yes, of course you can't choose anything can you

can we get on to frozen peas yes of course we can Yoko Ono well I think we need to give her the last word she's got something to contribute and who knew that that would be so this comes from I don't know

Farn that's a lovely name isn't it I was at the Yoko Ono exhibition at the Tate on Sunday and just wanted to share this conceptual artwork from her grapefruit book which has an excellent suggestion for what to do with peas do you want to read it out

you do it I'll do pea peas can you do the next one yeah sleeping peas here we go pea peas by Yoko Ono carry a bag of peas can you do the next one? Yeah, sleeping peace. Here we go. Pee peace. By Yoko Ono. Carry a bag of peas. Leave a pee wherever you go.

That's it. Thank you, Yoko. And this is sleeping peace. Write all the things you want to do. Ask others to do them and sleep until they finish doing them. Sleep as long as you can. Well, that's certainly something for the bone idol to enjoy, isn't it?

Isn't it? Can I just do a quick anonymous in Sussex? Because people have been really enjoying the random readings from mail autobiographies and from Sophia Loren. You haven't brought Sophia in with you today. Not today. You're going to do the petal. No, we've got so many great emails. I'm keeping Sophia in the drawer. Oh, okay.

For a quieter week. Anonymous just says, could you keep doing the men's autobiography excerpts? They're so funny, they really brighten up my day. Could this be the start of a new stand-up show?

I'd happily listen to a podcast just about this. Well, there's no need, we'll just incorporate it in this one. Actually, you see, I think they're onto something i think random readings from old books we've done theater haven't we darling we've done shows

we have done shows and i'm not kidding you reading out some of those extracts from simon bates's book would have brought some of our house down full houses down yeah absolutely so we could and you know who knows we might we might tread aboard sometime in the future, but we could do fantastic random readings, couldn't we, where the audience just shout out the page number. You just see what pictures are. Or everyone comes along with a male memoir that they happen to have.

And listen, I've read some, can I say, some truly terrible books by women. Oh, yes. I don't think we should confine it to men. It's particularly some crackingly bad showbiz memories, memoirs, just terrible. So it isn't just men, but there are something, there's something about the summer-based book

that absolutely is golden. Would you like, because I was doing a bit of thinning of the bookshelves only this morning, would you like Michael Parkinson or David Niven next? Oh, Parkey, please. Okay, a bit of Parkey. Yeah.

My ex-husband was in the loo once with Parkey. Calling the Daily Mail. No. And I remember him telling me afterwards that Parkey's... He's dead now, Parkey. Parkey spent a huge amount of time in front of the mirror afterwards, just generally enjoying himself.

Just looking, patting down Parkey's hair and just giving himself a good old bit of appreciation. Oh, yes. Well, should we condemn him for that? Not at all. He was a fine-looking man, very spruce. And that reminds me that our guest today is who is it see it's tom allen oh god do you know what you've done an interview today i've done a pre-record

today we did tom a couple of days ago bear with me i'm really sorry our guest today is tom allen and um it doesn't go well for me so Oh, no, don't, no. Nonsense. No, it was a faux pas. And do you know what? In other places, and some people would take that out, actually, wouldn't they?

But I'm happy for it to stay. That's the thing about us. That's why they call us authentic. It all gets left on the plate, love. They call us much more than authentic, of course. Don't use my name, says male listener. Hashtag 39. listening to your most recent podcast on the topic of pillow art and karate chop pillows well that wasn't recent how long did this apply me it immediately brought to mind the daily and some might say frightening towel swan creatures we'd encounter on our return to our hotel room every day and he has enclosed a couple of photos some of them are so bizarre um while i'm here he

says i'm a fit get this fee he's a fit 59 year old male and he fully supports a sit down wee so much more comfortable and less likely to result in the dreaded dribble on the trousers when you zip up and in number two position in his list of important thoughts, while not one to condone a man holding fort down there while in public, sometimes quick adjustment is required. In our house, we call this genital condition sticky bat wings. Please don't use my name, he says. I'm not flaming well surprised. Oh, gosh.

I'm not sure that I want that visual image in my head. I don't think a lot of our listeners, a lot of our gentle women are falling asleep to this, Jane. I don't think they need the visual notion trying to work out what a batwing, you know. Isn't there a charity called the League of Gentle Women or the League of Gentle Folk or something like that?

There's probably a society for retired radio gentlefolk. Right. Well, Simon Bates won't be joining that, will he? He's too vigorous. Vigorous lovemaking. It wouldn't suit him. I just want to say thanks for the good idea to a listener called Lee, who says, our dear cat Ferdinand is 17 and has final stage cancer.

I'm sorry to hear that. And he now has to use a litter tray. I have to clean it twice daily with dog poop bags and change the litter every other day. I use six layers at the times, she says. Then just a thin layer of litter. The vet told me little but often and half an inch of litter is absolutely

plenty. That's interesting isn't it because I tend to do a sand dune. Yeah I think I've I think I've put too much in and I'm such a absolute pillock I've never thought of using the times in the litter tray. But I tell you what Lee that's what I'm doing from now on. So six pages worth of The Times. That's still not very thick, is it? Six layers of times. It could be six copies of The Times. It could, couldn't it? That's certainly a dedicated... Well, let us know how you get on.

Good news on Barbara and her level of pissing. We've had a very continent week. Very, very continent week. And last night we had a super, super snuggle on the sofa, me and one of the kids. We're watching Married at First Sight Australia at the moment. Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo! Is it as good as Love is Blind? I don't, I've never watched it before. And just as a concept, and they keep referring to it as a project and it's not a project it's like an entertainment program which is a little bit cruel um but there are so many kind of psycho babbly moments in it there are three psycho babbly people who pop up from time to time and say what psycho babbly judgment on these couples that they've

paired together justify the nonsense of total strangers marrying yes all of that and just these incredible tasks jane one of which they'd be married for a week and they they're given a pack of photographs of all of the other contestants of the opposite sex and it is fully heterosexual and they have to put the photographs in order of who they find the most attractive and some absolute bell-end blokes put the woman they were with, you know, not in at number one. Oh, and the psychobabblers popped up there. I bet it has. Just, you know, even if you don't mean it or believe it...

Could you not make a case saying that the man was just being honest? Yes, but I think the point is you get a... I think you get much further down the line in a relationship by occasionally curbing your honest eye or your honest tongue. You know, that kind of... I'm not saying you should ever condone lying to your partner, but being kind... No, being kind... Yes, measured.

..and not saying, I fancy your friend more than you, I think is OK, Jane. It's almost like these reality shows are not... Not nice. Not nice. Yeah, that's right. That was the adjective. I don't watch very many of them

because obviously I'm a very high-minded intellectual. You're mainly on BBC Four every evening. Mainly watching property porn. But actually, I can't watch any more Kevin MacLeod. He's a thoroughly nice man. But I can't watch him attempting jeopardy at the end of part three. I can't do another one of those. Is that where they do the, will they run out of money thing?

Yes. Okay, no, I'm not interested. I did try the first episode of Mary, is it Mary and George on Sky Atlantic, which stars the fantastic Julianne Moore, who I really do love, as a vixen, a manipulative lady back in the, I'm going to say, 17th century. Would you describe her as flame-haired?

She is flame-haired. She's got red hair. That's flame-haired, isn't it? That's why I said it. Yes, exactly. She's in magnificent form. And who's her George? Well, her George is her son.

Oh. And basically she offers him up to the king as a plaything and it's James I but I think you'll find in Scotland he's James VI I do hope I've got that right

because I want to make friends the length and breadth of the British Isles because you're not travelling anywhere you're stuck here now I've got my G-Hick coming. Just by the way, this is just a bit of public information here. Don't normally do this on this podcast. But we were talking about G-Hicks yesterday with Adam Shaw on the radio show.

I'd never heard of them. You bloody showed me yours. They're only telling certain people. I honestly never heard of them. No, no, that's not what's happened. That's not what's happened at all. So the G-hick is the global health insurance card yeah isn't it yes but no one i've been telling everyone no one knows about them it replaced when we left the the eu uh and continental people really wanted to do and some people almost equally passionately we're not

sure was a good idea thank you very much. And when continental Europe floated away from us, so you couldn't automatically assume that your health would be safe in Europe, the GHIC was the recommended thing that you take with you. And it's not travel insurance, but it provides some form of identification when you're admitted to hospital or if you have to call a paramedic or whatever. Just saying we are, Britain is still part of some form of backup. That's what it is. So all I'll say is I'm hopeless of this sort of thing, but I ordered one today via the NHS website.

So it's dead easy. All you need is your national insurance number. Yeah. End of. So we are dead easy. All you need is your national insurance number. Yeah. End of. So we are spreading the word about it. I know about it actually through a friend of mine whose teenage son didn't have any, you know, form of EU coverage after the EU and got into a little bit of difficulty.

So I know about it through, you know, that kind of alarm going off for somebody. But I don't think it was well publicised because it's very unlike me to be ahead of the curve on stuff like that, Jane. It's very unlike me not to know something. Yeah. Well, okay.

Yeah, all right. Okay. Can we just say hello to Sean in Leafy, Surrey? I was delighted to hear my email read out on today's podcast. Pleased to that my hometown enjoyed its moment in the chaotic off-air sun. It's not Caterham. It isn't Cavisham.

We're not in Essex. So the local estate agent's blurb almost never features the phrase below Croydon. That was you, Eve. But thank you, says Sean in Caterham, in leafy Surrey. Right. And International Women's Day.

Yes. We've had a couple of very interesting emails about this. Oh, have you got the lovely one about being tired? Well, yes, I have got. Because you were very funny last week when you just said that International Women's Day does basically mean that women on the whole are asked to do something extra

and usually for no money. Yes, but you were very good about that. Yeah, well, let's move on. And bring in Jude, who's in South Australia. I loved your description of the extra work women do annually for International Women's Day. I was on a panel for my workplace this week. It was enjoyable.

And I find I never have a shortage of things to say when people ask me questions like, how can men be better allies? But I always leave feeling conflicted about the point of it all, as I return to a pile of work on my desk that's increased while I was away. And that's the point, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, that is basically the point. And we've got another one here from a listener who wants to stay anonymous. I wanted to share my thoughts on IWD, having been involved in planning these events at work. I work for a big global company. It's been an exhausting slog over months,

liaising with a ridiculous number of stakeholders, I can't stand that word, all over the world, on top of our existing busy day jobs. It's had a small group of us women working crazy hours, trying to pull everything together across time zones, early starts, late finishes, with weeks of back-toto-back meetings as this was on top of numerous other projects we were juggling and we've been doing it since november the whole iwd thing has become a farce it's virtue signaling performative feminism and adds to the burden of already overloaded women there we go and has limited impact given

that the people who most need to hear the messages are the least likely to tune in or attend. Yeah. So I completely agree with that. 100%. And, you know, I think if we ever did an International Women's Day event together again, it would be good to put our tiny little feet down, Jane,

and just say, well, we'll do it, but if the audience is men. Only men. Yep, and you give the women 45 minutes off. Oh, that's really good. It would be good, wouldn't it? And we should just say the same things that we said to a group of women. And ask her questions. Yes.

There'll be a deathly silence. A deathly silence. And somebody will be thinking, God, bring back Michael Parkinson. Contacts. Calendar. Double tap to open. Breakfast with Anna from 10 to 11. And get on with your day. Accessibility. There's more to iPhone. Anyway, shall we move into Tom Allen? Okay, so Tom, we love Tom Allen, don't we?

He was incredibly premature. Oh, no, the big boss has come in now. I'll go and do that and Fi can carry on. Okay, that's quite alright. Shall I wait for the noise to come down? Goodbye, Jane's going, everybody. She's doing extra proper stomping.

Trella better be good. Right, kids, it's just you and me. So Tom Allen came in to see us a couple of days ago. He is such a busy guy. He's got a new show on Virgin Radio on Sunday afternoons. He's also currently on tour. He's come to the end of the latest of the Bake Off Extra Slice

at the end of last year, and he's now filming The Apprentice, You're Fired. He's written two books over the last five years as well. One of them he really mentions in this interview. And he had just been to a very, very top-level meeting at an incredibly posh hotel, the Regis Hotel in London. So he started the interview by asking if that was why he was dressed in the finest jumbo corduroy suit.

No, I wore the cord, well, I wore a suit because I know full well if I don't wear a suit, people will say, oh, you're noturoy suit. No, I wore the cord, well I wore a suit because I know full well if I don't wear a suit, people will say oh you're not wearing a suit. So I've made a rod for my own back there but I do like wearing suits so it's fine. It's not every man who can get away with jumbo cord. Traditionally I associate

it with those pink trousers you see in certain parts of London. Very Michael Portillo. Yes. No, it's not you is it? Because you've always been very honest about, well, very devoted to your roots, which are not aristocratic, are they? No, I'm an absolute fake. And I...

I like that about you. Yeah, I'm from a very normal background. But I had this aspiration to be somehow fancier than I deserve to be. And so I've sort of lent into that. And as I've turned 40 last year, and, well, I've just realised you have to embrace it, don't you? You do.

And also because in a public kind of facing position, if you're faking it, somebody these days will come along and say, won't they? Yes. You may as well. Well, my dad always said, the world takes you at your own valuation. Oh, that's true. It's a good saying, isn't it? So if you kind of, if you apologise for yourself,

people will doubt you. So you shouldn't. I totally agree with Jane just about how dapper you are as a person. Thank you. But tell us about the least dapper outfit that we might find Tom Allen in outside of work and the public environment. Well, that's a very personal question. I know that's exactly the sort of scandal that you like to report here on Times Radio.

But I will let you in. I will say when I'm doing the garden, I have been known to wear a pair of joggers and maybe even some sort of plastic sandal, of which there are many brands. One is synonymous with crocodiles. Another one is, I think it's called Town and Country. My partner bought me a pair. You get them in the garden centre.

They're awfully comfortable. Okay, so something has gone very badly wrong with buying your clothes at the garden centre. I know. What? Who knew? Who knew they even had a wardrobe department? But if you're looking for something, maybe a kneeling pad to do your bulbs or maybe somewhere to, you know,

maybe a warming gilet or a patterned sandal to wear for gardening, then they've got you covered. Well, you really are embracing your fifth decade now you're visiting garden centres. I love a garden centre. Give me a tray. I want to get in line at that self-service cafeteria.

And maybe buy, I don't know, maybe some sort of birdhouse or one of those watering cans that looks slightly ornate. That sort of thing. Or a terrarium. I like a terrarium now. Yeah. You know, I'm 40. But to be honest, even as a small child, I felt like I was about 46. So I'm like a terrarium now. Yeah. You know, I'm 40, but to be honest,

even as a small child, I felt like I was about 46. So I'm just coming into my own now. You're going to so enjoy the next couple of decades, aren't you? Well, if I make it through them, I can't wait. Yeah.

Can we talk about your tour, which you're in to talk about? I was going to say, I was going to just check the email. Just checking why you're here. What are the key messaging bits I'm actually doing? I think we want people to go on,

see you on your tour, Tom. You're on tour and your tour is called Completely and the spring dates have been added due to demand. I'm reading from the piece of paper here. Oh, he doesn't need the publicity though. Well, you know, a lot of them have sold out so I don't mind.

I don't mind. You can talk about what you like. What's in the tour? What's in the stage show? What would make people come and see you? Well, I like to think I give them a good old fun time. And we do have a laugh, and I feel very lucky to have a laugh with people all around the country. But essentially I'm talking about the fact that I feel like I'm finally an adult at the age of 40 because after a long time of living with a couple called Dad and Mum, I finally got my own place.

And all the trials that that presents, like buying a mattress, why is that so complicated? People want to ask you how many springs do you want? Well, I don't know. At least two. Give me half a chance, I'll sleep on a slinky. But, you know, all these things. Bin day.

Very complicated. Oh, don't get us started on bin day. Oh, I bet that's a hot topic with you. Well, very much so, because we're very hot on things like that. But in a same-sex relationship, presumably that dynamic of domesticity and so-called girl and boy jobs, is it very different?

Well, we know Theresa May and... And Philip. Philip. That much is true. I felt like... I feel like, though, my partner does tend to do the bins. Don't know why. He just likes it.

But then he does the ironing as well. But then it's 2024, isn't it? Oh, very much so. You mix and match. So that leaves the cooking and the wiping and the dusting. Well, we do have a little bit of help with that. My friend and housekeeper comes in to do a lot of the wiping. Because it's things like the crevices, isn't it?

It's the crevices. It's the corners. It's the indentation on the kitchen cabinets. It collects a lot of dust. And so I couldn't do that on my own. Not with my knees. No, of course not. How has it changed your...

Buffing a work surface as well. Sorry to interrupt you like that. That was very abrasive of me. I beg your pardon. This had better be good. Yeah, it really had better be good. Keeping a work surface as well. Sorry to interrupt you like that. That was very abrasive of me. I beg your pardon. This had better be good. Yeah, it really had better be good. Keeping a work surface shiny when you've got like a shiny work surface,

I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people do it because it's exhausting. I'm constantly with my buffing cloth and my spritzer to try and get it shiny, but someone touches the work surface it's got a mark on it, I have to do it all over again get a matte work surface

that would be better you can't, you can't these days is that wrong? like a butcher's block? I've got a wooden work surface so you don't have that problem really? you have to disinfect it quite a lot it was a big question that was coming

that you tried to head off at the park. I'm like a politician. Is it about world peace? Buffing anecdotes. Oh, no. No, it's just about your changed relationship with your parents if you had been living with them well into adult life. Well, one of them has really changed because he died.

So they could have changed more. That does change a relationship, doesn't it? Sorry. When did your dad die? Today. Oh, Tom! No, don't! No, two and a half years ago now.

Okay, right. So I'm not going to ask that question then because it might be rather painful. No, ask it if you like. I wrote a book about it, and I came in here to talk about it. Okay, that's even worse. But then when I did arrive, you did say to me, oh, it's nice to see you, we only met once over Zoom. So, you know, I'm glad I'm here today, is what I'm saying.

Look, it's International Women's Day this week. That doesn't make sense. It can't be a day or week. Yeah, it's a day or week week So you've just got to be nice Yes Oh I'm always nice You don't have to be nice I'm always nice

Can we talk about What it was like To live at home With your dad and your mum For quite some time Presumably throughout Your twenties and thirties You were there

Most of that yeah Were you a cuckoo in the nest Or did they actually Want you there Good question Probably not best answered By me Because of course I will always say,

yes, they were thrilled. But I think looking back, there were probably times when me stomping around, you know, looking for my corduroy, wondering where my trilby had gone. That was probably a lot for them when they were just trying to enjoy their retirement. And I was sort of like,

well, why do we have to have like plates like this I don't like these plates why don't we have platters why don't we have why don't we eat in a Mediterranean style let's fire up the barbecue Tom it's December what are you talking about no I want to live this fabulous Nigel Slater life that I've read about in the Sunday Supplements

and in truth I was probably unbearable but you know I've monetised it now my own children show no desire whatsoever to leave home, which I'm glad about. And in a way, I tell myself, well, it keeps me in touch with the young. So maybe your mum would say that. Would she?

Well, we have always had a close relationship, so I feel very lucky like that. Some people don't get on with their parents at all. So I do feel like, actually, we've always been very close. And there's something nice about that. If you can get along, I feel like that's the way it's always been as well for human beings. My mum's family are part of the From Mayo in Ireland, and, you know, people will live in one house

and then the daughter will buy the house next door but one along the road, and people are always in and out of each other's house and I think that's quite nice. If you can make it work, and I'm sure at times it does drive you a little to distraction, but at times if you can make it work, it's great. I think human beings are naturally good at being around other human beings.

I think it's good for us. The radio show, you're now on Virgin Sunday afternoons. Have I got that bit right? Yes, no, absolutely. You've got everything right. It's just the status of my father. Yes, that's quite a big wrong. Whether he's alive or dead. It was a big thing for him. I don't know. Obviously it's a big thing

for you too. Obviously. What's the mood on a Sunday afternoon? Because, you know, the classic thing on radio of old has been to go quite kind of soft and fluffy and cosy. Oh, no way. No. No way.

Any of that straight out the window. We, I come in the afternoon at 12.30 to 4. And I think Sunday afternoons, you need a bit of energy. You want people to feel like, oh, I'm part of something here. here oh so i'd like to tell anecdotes about my week and we have people texting in and we often um look at neighborhood forums that's been quite a nice feature people get very angry in suburbia maybe using the next door app or a facebook forum um they get very angry about bins about dog food being stolen about Packages missing from the doorstep. Oh, they love that. And my all-time favourite, suspicious youths.

Oh, always suspicious youths walking around, scouting out the area. I think it's just somebody who's put their hood up and they go, right, well, that's obviously terrifying. We need to talk about that. And so we often talk about that and laugh at it. Do you have people who are on groups where their neighbours are offering them bits and pieces?

My friend calls that, when people leave stuff at the end of the driveway, my friend calls that street tapas. Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Because there are a couple of those in our street and currently going, if anybody wants it, is half a bag of dark grey grout.

You know what? You might need it. Can you get that? You'll need it. It's handy? You might need it. Can you get that? I certainly am. You'll need it. Yeah? You'll need it. It's handy. I'll pick it up for you. The tiles in the shower

could do with a bit of dark grey grout. Well, it doesn't show the mould, does it? That's the thing about a dark grout. But that's a lovely thing, isn't it? What? That kind of neighbourhood. Oh, I thought you meant grouting. Yes, it is lovely.

I've got a feeling that you probably can't sustain a conversation about grouting for... Oh, we'll try. Let's keep going. Well, I mean, listen, we're all looking for content in this day and age. Well, my brother is a Tyler.

Oh, who would have thought it? So we have bags of the stuff. We've got bags of stuff in the family. So if you need any grouting, let me know. Tom's your man. Interesting. Can you tell us about your new TV show? This is My Big Gay Wedding.

Oh, yes. I mean, there's a clue in the title, but what is it about, Tom? Well, probably from that title, it sounds a bit more like some sort of Saturday night entertainment show. In truth, it's a documentary, the first time I've ever made a documentary, and it's celebrating 10 years of gay marriage being legal in England and Wales. And so, I should say in this country because, well, no, it's not well. We know what you mean.

And so it's been lovely to see how far things have come and to look back at ten years ago and how different things were actually and I think we should never take for granted that the changes achieved by people were quite profound and you look at MPs in the House of Commons ten years ago

ten years ago saying marriage is the inalienable union of a man and a woman profound and you look at sort of MPs in the House of Commons 10 years ago 10 years ago saying you know marriage is the inalienable union of a man and a woman it's always been that way we can't undo that that would be at the end of society if we do that and I suppose my feeling is is that what it really meant was that it was saying to to same-sex couples or gay people everywhere like you are allowed to be part of society because for a a long time, we felt like we weren't. We were sort of, you know, outsiders in the cold. And I think it was the messaging behind it was so deep.

So I was very proud to put together this documentary and explore the history of why it happened, how it happened. It was collegiate, really, across the party divides. So people from all different parties came together to get it across the line, which I think is very impressive in these polarised times. But it did, and the fact that it happened, and I'm just going back to my adolescence,

the fact that this came in under a Conservative government, or was it the coalition? It was the coalition. It was, OK. Still, with a Conservative Prime Minister, it just seemed quite incredible. And I don't think we always honour just how much has changed here. Well, yeah, I think we interviewed David Cameron, actually, which was very interesting. And

he said, the way he put it was, he felt that they needed to right some wrongs, because I put to him, well, you were the party of Section 28, let's not forget. And, you know, a lot of Tory values, I think, would not welcome gay marriage. And he said, well, he said he wanted to right a wrong. I also spoke to Peter Tatchell, the wonderful activist, and he said he'd written to David Cameron and he'd said to him, I think you should embrace marriage, not a gay marriage, not in spite of being a conservative, but because you are a conservative, because marriage is fundamentally, you know,

could be deemed quite a traditional thing to do. And David Cameron did use that phrasing in his speech. So whether he read the letter or whether he came to it from his own. But would it be fair to say politically that it just wouldn't have happened without there being a coalition government? It was something that the Liberal Democrats can actually claim was a successful part of coalition. Oh, I don't know. That's a good point.

I mean, the Liberal Democrats, I think Baroness Lynn Featherstone would say it was something that was tabled by the Liberal Democrats. I think that all sides, what I learned from it as well, all politicians have their own version and their own version usually involves them. So I would say that yes and no. It depends who you speak to, really. No, yes, no, yes, no. Do you know what I mean? I can't that yes and no. It depends who you speak to, really. Yeah, no.

Yes, no. Yes, no. Do you know what I mean? I can't tell you what you mean. I've not really spent that much time interviewing politicians. I'm not like you, you guys. And I found it quite interesting. They were all very, very generous with their time.

Yeah. Well, in a way, they should be, because this is something that is positive. Yes, for once. They can claim a chunk of something positive. That's no bad thing, is it? Well, I think they were all very proud of that. And rightly so.

And they did, you know, a lot of them did put their neck out because it wasn't welcomed by everybody. And polls at the time did show that people weren't always completely in favour of it. And that the idea of equality was sort of like, well, why, why, you know. Well, Fee and I have both tried marriage

and we're 100% behind the idea that gay people should be allowed the opportunity to get divorced further down the line. Exactly. To be as miserable as straight people. That was the only thing we aspired to. Just a quick radio question to end on. Are your loos built very close to the studios,

or do you also have to run down a long corridor? Well, I'm glad you asked that, because I love wearing my lanyard. I love a lanyard. Is it the first time you've had a lanyard? I think so. Yes. I love it. I put it on things. I notice you're wearing it very proudly. I wear it all the time. I love a lanyard. Is it the first time you've had a lanyard? I think so. Yes. I love it. I put it on things.

I notice you're wearing it very proudly. I wear it all the time. I wear it on the train. I feel like it's my first day at school. Right. And I love it, but it doesn't give me access to the executive toilet. I think that's only...

Chris Evans. It's only Chris Evans, really, and very senior, high-level people. That's sort of en suite to the studio, actually. Never been granted access to that. I have to run round to the ones that are adjacent to the lifts. So I don't know if that helps you or makes it worse. Well, it keeps us on a level with you

because that's very much what we're having to do as well. But I don't think we even have an executive toilet here, do we? Well, officially, I don't think you have access to it, darling. Sorry, this has ended on an awkward note. Before we end, I just looked at the notes and... What are you supposed to be talking about? We're actually supposed to be talking about The Apprentice You're Fired.

Okay, quick question. Hang on, let me just cough. Yeah. Oh, God. Sorry to sound so Victorian in your ears there. That's quite all right. How is The Apprentice You're Fired going this year?

Actually, some of the contestants have come in for a bit of flack from day one, haven't they? Possibly not being Britain's brightest and best. Well, I always feel very protective of the... They're actually candidates, right?

They're not contestants. They're candidates. Please. I get told off myself. And it's a process. It's not a show. It's a process. Oh, honestly, Fi.

I can't believe you didn't know that, Fi. And the thing is, I always say, always say well yes they do make mistakes and i know that people love to point at them for that but they are they are completely protected in their in their tasks they are not allowed access to phones and tablets and laptops to do lots of research like we all do all the time anyway. They can't phone friends to ask. They can't just make phone calls willy-nilly. They have to be quite, it's quite prescriptive. And also they're living in that house

where they don't have much access to their family. They have to stay in, they don't have to go to the shops on their own. So it's all very fair. So they really do live in that house? Yes, yeah. For how long? Well, it depends how long they stay in the process.

I think it's a few weeks. Well, what's the maximum that how long they stay in the process. I think it's a few weeks. Well, what's the maximum? I don't know, but I think it's about six weeks. Okay. So I always sort of go, well, you know, they're young people having a go.

Yeah. And what I like about it as well is I think it's a show that the whole family likes to watch because parents like to watch it with their kids, particularly if they're teenagers and they're starting to think

about the world of work. And I think, you know, young people like to kind of go, well, maybe I'll be like that when I grow up. I mean, I hate to disappoint them, but I don't know how much the world of work. And I think, you know, young people like to kind of go, well, maybe I'll be like that when I grow up. I mean, I hate to disappoint them, but I don't know how much the world of work involves, you know, fun projects that last for three days. Yeah.

Well, what do you know about the world of work? What do I know? I've only just got a lanyard. Yeah, I know. I'm just thrilled about that. And do they have actual proper sized suitcases? Because it always makes us laugh that they've just got a tiny trolley kind of cabin. That's true, isn't it? Carry on. They can't have six weeks' worth of pants in there.

That I don't know. No. If you could ask them, I'd be very grateful. I will ask them. I feel like they might have another case, but probably not that much. Interesting. Well, you know, they're told to wear a bold pastel colour. Aren't they? I think so, given the fact that they always do.

And I think they just make it work. Yeah. When they get up really, really early in the morning to go and meet Lou Sugar. Luigi. Lou Reed. That's a show I'd watch. Set your alarm.

Go and see Lou Reed. This week, Lord Sugar couldn't be with us, but Lou Reed is going to cover for him. I don't know what happened. Okay, not to worry. Right, Tom, it's been lovely. I'm going to have to give a shout-out to my friend Tim, who is your biggest fan.

He listens all the time. He actually listens. He actually listens. Right. He loves this show. Is he incapacitated? He's very well, as far as I know, when I last saw him.

And I know he will appreciate a shout-out. Do you do shout-outs? We do shout-outs. Well, a shout-out to Tim, then, if you like. Hello, Tim. There we go. Brilliant. Hello, Tim. Goodbye, Tom. The glory that is Tom Allen, and you can see

and hear him pretty much everywhere at the moment. But the Virgin Radio Show on Sunday afternoon. You don't need to buy any tickets for that, do you? So shout out to Tom's friend. Shout out to GoGo. We don't mind doing shout outs. You can email janeandfee at times.radio. Tomorrow, we will hear a little bit more

from Sophia Loren's lovely cookbook. And we will hear a little bit more from Sophia Lorenz lovely cookbook and we will start some random readings from Michael Parkinson's autobiography all of the fun awaits you and it's only Tuesday goodbye You did it. Elite listener status for you for getting through another half hour or so of our whimsical ramblings. Otherwise known as the hugely successful podcast Off Air with Jane Garvey and Fee Glover.

We missed the modesty class. Our Times Radio producer is Rosie Cutler, the podcast executive producer. It's a man. It's Henry Tribe. Yeah, he's an executive. Now, if you want even more, and let's face it, who wouldn't, then stick Times Radio on at 3 o'clock Monday until Thursday every week and you can hear our take on the big news stories of the day

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