Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Investigating a gentlemen's rain-repellent hair putty

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

Jane and Fi were left feeling slightly underwhelmed by the opening ceremony and they're not afraid to make it known! Let us know your thoughts... They also chat heatwaves, hair products and bins.There's no guest today as Chancellor Rachel Reeves interrupted our normal schedule to deliver a bit of a reality check and announce immediate cuts.Our next book club pick has been announced! 'Missing, Presumed' is by Susie Steiner.If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The bloody foxes have learnt how to open the lid. They certainly have. I did not know that. Why did I not know that? Oh my goodness, so you are just, you're a decade behind everybody else's bin knowledge. You know what, it's just the logistics. I just get so wound up when I know I've got to go to one place at one time and then be back somewhere else. And also, you know when you know it's doable to do it,

but it just might be quite tight and everything has to work in your favour. But I'm here. And it's a very hot day in London. This is our summer heat wave. We've got 28 today, 29 tomorrow. Blistering heat, everybody's in a quandary already do we embrace it because we've been moaning about not having it or actually can we just confess it's really unpleasant it's ghastly i cannot wait for it wanted to be a good i think 16 would be nice

take it down but i'll tell you what we do have to discuss because this is the Monday after the Olympic Games opened with its semi-tragic ceremony, I thought. Well, do you know what? When it was good, it was brilliant. Which bits were brilliant? You can't knock Celine Dion. Wow. Eiffel Tower, fantastic.

I thought she was amazing. Yeah, but oh no, is there a but? Well, my only but would just be you could have seen that in Vegas. It wasn't, I didn't feel, I mean, I know that Quebec is French-Canadian. Yeah. So no, no, I agree.

I thought she was amazing. And I liked Lady Gaga's feathers and I loved the horse zooming up the Seine. That went on too long. But it did go on a very long time. Everything the Seine. That went on too long. But it did go on a very long time. Everything that was even quite good went on too long. Apart from, you see I, unexpectedly, I

found the Celine Dion really, I'm not a massive fan of her, I don't dislike the woman, don't know anything about her. There was something about that actually on the Eiffel Tower when it was dark and the rain, you couldn't make it up. I don't know that maybe that finished me off I mean that was four and a half hours into the ceremony lest we forget

and I'd started watching the ceremony on Avanti West on my phone so I wondered whether it was just my coverage wasn't very good you know the signal kept fading in and out or whether that was the ceremony at times I wasn't absolutely sure I did feel for people who had properly dedicated their evening to it because i know some people who had and actually we we did that thing i often feel like this about people who do very very long radio shows where we'd we'd never make that mistake we'd had a drink we'd actually change counties and then we'd had dinner and it was still on but the the stuff we do the same thing wasn't ours really long ours was long but ours was and then we'd had dinner. And it was still on. And it was still on when we got back. But didn't we do the same thing?

Wasn't ours really long? Ours was long, but ours was brilliant. Yeah, but is it only because we got all the references? No, I still think ours was better. Oh, of course ours was better. But you can't, I mean, the French had a properly good go, I thought. Oh, I don't know, Jamie. We had loads of people around for the 2012 Olympics in a fancy dress party where I just have to name check my neighbor Richard who came as a kayaker

in a kayak so he cut the bottom out of a kayak and he walked down our road in a kayak and it was so brilliant but then he couldn't do the turns in our house. He couldn't actually get into the room. Did he have to slip in and out of his kayak when he needed to go into a different place? He had to kind of fold it up against his body and slide into the room. Has he got the figure for it? Or did he have it? Oh, yes. But it was just so fantastically ambitious. But we had held that party because everybody was so cynical about the games. And we thought, oh, you know, let's get everybody together

and we'll kind of have a laugh and if it's rubbish, it doesn't really matter. And by about halfway through that opening ceremony, there was no party. Everyone sat down on the floor and we just watched the ceremony. It was that engaging. And I don't think, I think your party would have got louder if you were doing that at the opening of the prison games. And the blue Dionysus, the Smurf.

Yes, I just didn't know what that was. I think I'd stopped. I was listening by that point because I was in a taxi from the station back home. So I didn't rejoin until it was almost dark on the telly, if you see what I mean. So I haven't been offended by The Last Supper or the Smurf because I don't think I saw either of them.

I'm not sure I've understood it or been offended, even if I had. So Dionysus, what's the significance there? I don't know. I mean, he's a party animal, isn't he, Dionysus? Oh, likes a night out. Yeah. Anyway, look, who cares because the actual sport has been amazing. Oh, you don't want the sport to get in the way of the opening ceremony, do you?

I'm looking forward to the closing ceremony. Are you? I really am. Do you think they might suddenly be changing it? I suppose I'm a bit defensive kind of on the part of Europe because the next opening ceremony is in LA. So you can just imagine what the Americans will be chucking at that. And I suppose they'll expect us all to get their references

because they're America. Do you know what? It wasn't the references. I just, well, I'll just be honest. I was just a bit disappointed by it. I wanted it to be better. Yes. That weather was more,

it would have been the London 2012 games, wouldn't it? Everybody would have expected there to be a downpour on that night. And there wasn't, was there? I think the weather was pretty good. It was. Certainly dry. Yeah, it was. So they were unlucky. You can't legislate for that kind of rain. No, you can't. And there wasn't, was there? I think the weather was pretty good. It was. Certainly dry. Yeah, it was. And so you can't... Yeah, so they were unlucky.

You can't legislate for that kind of rain. No, you can't. You just can't. I thought Sir Keir Starmer looked resplendent in his... He was doggedly wearing the Team GB blue anorak provided. Oh, he did us proud. Certainly, that's the spirit. Because in a sea of...

People in... Silly people in their... Festival ponchos. See-through ponchos, yeah. There he was, just taking the rain like achos. See-through ponchos, yeah. There he was, just taking the rain like a man. Did have his hood up though. But again, sensible. I mean, it tells you a lot

about the man. Sensible, but also he's wearing quite a lot of product on his hair these days. I think actually the rain... You might be right there. It might have turned it into a terrible goo. I don't know much about gentlemen's hair products, but do they not take well to the rain? Well, I don't know. I mean, back in the day, broil cream, I think, was

pretty much rain repellent, nuclear fuel repellent. I think it could deal with anything. I don't know about the modern putties. Hair putty. I mean, that's now a trick played on men. God knows the pharmaceutical and cosmetic industry's been playing tricks

on women for ages. Now men can splash out on hair potty and good luck to them absolutely and also they have a special little thing for their beards don't they have a special moisturizing wax for their beards but we need to investigate that soon now just you probably put pledge on it mate in the interest of transparency i haven't been in work long so i haven't really had a good look at the emails but you have yes can we just do one very, very serious one? And it is to do with the Olympics. And Denise Welch, who you interviewed at the end of last week, had made a very serious point drawing attention to the problems of the Dutch volleyball player

who was criminally convicted of child rape when he was 19 against a 12-year-old girl and was allowed to compete and is competing at the Olympic Games. And this will remain anonymous for very obvious reasons. I was listening to Denise regarding the Dutch volleyball player. I heard today he received booze as he turned out to play. As someone who was raped at the age of 12, I know it never goes away. I'm now 65 and it still impacts my life. However, I also acknowledge that this man admitted his wrong and served his sentence. Does he have to continue paying the price for the rest of his life? I would be interested to hear the views of other listeners. Well, that's a brave and bold email to write and we appreciate that. And do you know what, Jane?

I mean, the only thing that I would have to add to the many, many things that have been said is that it's this opinion. This is the only opinion that counts, actually. that counts, actually. Somebody who's been through the experience and knows that you always think about it, always, always think about it. So there's lots of discussion going on about being able to be rehabilitated, to not always be judged for previous crimes.

But for that woman now, who will be a young woman, that's the point, isn't it? What is her experience of the Olympics? Seeing him play, hearing everybody talk about it again. And you wonder whether she was warned that this would all become very public again. I don't know what you're entitled to. Neither do I.

If you are her. But everybody talks about him. I mean, of course, we should never know the identity of the young girl, but there's somebody's life who's being really agitated all over again by this. And that's just not being mentioned enough. If she had said, look, I've dealt with it this way. You know, the criminal justice system did do something. It's not okay by me, but I accept that this is going to happen.

Then I would, would I be more keen to hear the voice of, you know, conversations about recidivism, I don't know. But I think we're forgetting a little bit this experience that our emailer has emailed about. Alison Rudd, I think it was the Sunday Times, did write a piece, and I know a lot of people have made the same comparison, but the dressage athlete, is it an athlete? I suppose it is an athlete, Charlotte Desjardins, who can't compete or has decided not to compete. I think it was that she can't compete now.

After that video emerged of her whipping a horse, that's one thing. That was a horse. Nobody likes cruelty to animals. And then this man is allowed to compete. And he's been through the criminal justice system. It is very peculiar and it's a deeply uncomfortable clash of, not cultures,

but it just seems like a complete double standard. I don't get it. Also because he doesn't have to face the press. It was agreed by the Olympic Committee. I can't understand it. I don't understand. I mean, the Olympic, there's no way that the Olympics are perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination.

I think we all know that some fairly drug abuses certainly has been rife in Olympic Games over many years. And there are suspicions over some of the nations competing even now. They never seem to quite know what to do about. They're not very good at decision making and actually deciding no we're just definitely not going to allow this I mean I suppose you could take the view that this man this Dutch so-called athlete let's be honest it's only beach volleyball we're talking, it is beach volleyball

isn't it? Yeah it's on sand so I mean it's not too technical for me. It's not a sport I feel sort of desperately that the Olympic movement needs to be committed to so I mean what is he doing there? I mean, it just, no, it's not right. It's not appropriate.

And I think Denise Welsh and others, frankly speak, for the overwhelming majority of us, I'm a bit baffled by the indifference from the rest of the world. I think Britain's obviously raised a few issues about this. Australia apparently has pitched in as well. The victim here was British, but her nationality is totally irrelevant. I mean, it's just, yeah, I would feel as indignant if she were from Mars, frankly. No, don't get it. Don't know why he's there.

I hope he doesn't progress. I hope they do boo him. I gather the booing yesterday did actually, I think it was yesterday, did sort of peter out anyway. And he started high-fiving the guy he's playing with and he high-fived him right back and on we go. Yeah, there's too much fist-bumping and high-fiving going on. That's quite a modern thing, isn't it? After every point in Andy Murray's doubles match.

Oh, that was excruciating. Andy, don't put us through any more of this. I thought it was a brilliant match. It was brilliant. Yeah, but it's not pleasurable. I mean, his mum said that. For God's sake, Andy. I thought it was incredible.

There were five match points against him and Dan Evans and they went on to win. It was an extraordinary kind of 19 final minutes of tennis. But if you and I fist bumped each other each time one of us had made a witty or pitty remark, we'd be black and blue. But it's weird, isn't it? It's a bit odd.

It's very modern. It's not very British. No, it's not very British. I'm surprised that Andy and Dan are doing it. A little nod just as you walk past each other would be absolutely fine. Or even a firm handshake if you had the time. No, save that for the end, Jane.

I think no touching, no actual touching. I suppose you're right. Especially not in this heat. This one comes from Debbie, who says, I'm a long-time listener, first-time emailer. Well, welcome. But was prompted to write following Jane's mention of the perfume Smitty. I can confirm that it did indeed exist.

I'm really glad you can because I was a bit worried in the immediate aftermath of that. I sound so confident sometimes. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm really glad you can because I was a bit worried in the immediate aftermath of that. I sound so confident sometimes. I don't know what I'm talking about. I can confirm that. I can confirm that it did indeed exist and whenever I've mentioned it, I receive the same reaction

as Jane did from Fee. I worked for many decades in a chemist shop in the northwest of England which had a resident rodent control officer who had been purchased as a kitten. She was named Smitty after the perfume

because the advertising strapline was Smitty Did It, which was very apt in the early days. She lived to a ripe old age, long after the rodent problem had been solved and was very popular with customers and staff alike. So the plot thickens because neither you nor Debbie can

actually explain what Smitty smelt of. And also what a very odd strapline. Smitty Did It. Smitty... Well, it made you irresistible you see. Oh. That was the actually explain what smitty smelt of and also what a very odd strap line smitty did it smitty well it made you irresistible you see oh okay yeah uh and then there was did did the advert show men just falling towards women wearing smitty i realistically i was very short with quite thick specs and the idea that men were going to fall at my feet because I'd smothered myself in Smitty. I don't think it was a goer. I think it was made by Coty?

C-O-T-Y? Does that name ring a bell? Yes, that does ring a bell. Oh, God, you young people. That one you can remember. If anyone can compare Smitty to another well-known fragrance, I'd be intrigued. Or I'll just try and find out the ingredients.

I could make it in the comfort of my own home. I tell you what, I'm going to try and remember to bring in tomorrow. I found this can of... It's actually modern perfume with the most astonishing name in my local pharmacy. I don't know whether anybody else has a pharmacy. It's not bin juice, is it?

No, it's really remarkable. I will save it for tomorrow. But you know the pharmacies that are proper pharmacies, but they just sell three boxes of throat lozenges, some very odd perfume that you don't see anywhere else. And then? And, you know, only one type of sanitary towel. That's it.

The temptation. It's got me through life. When you go in to pick up your prescription, I always buy something from that section. I know what you mean. Those funny pastilles. Sometimes they have carbolic soap as well. I do.

You think, yeah, I need that. You don't. Or I hope you don't. By the way, food bins outside. I don't know if anybody else has had this. The bloody foxes have learnt how to open the lid. They certainly have. I did not know that.

Why did I not know that? Oh, my goodness. So you are just you're a decade behind everybody else has been knowledge went out this morning obviously it was it was so glorious i think the temperature on these very hot days at about seven is just exquisite it was lovely so i went out in all my glory with my really tatty dressing gown on by the way to anybody who does live close to me the dressing gown is going soon i'm waiting for a replacement to be delivered it is ghastly it does need to is going soon. I'm waiting for a replacement to be delivered.

It is ghastly. It does need to be tipped. Anyway, I went out this morning to put something in the food bin and the lid was open and there was just a chicken carcass just on the path. So since when have foxes had paws that allow them to open the lids of food bins? So have you got a lid... Or do they use their snout? That flips all the way round and catches twice across the bits that hold it?

That's what we've got. No, we haven't been supplied with those. Oh, OK. Because they're meant to be fox-proof. But our foxes have worked out at which point to stop lifting the lever in order to be able to open the lid. Bloody hell.

I know. I think they're watching Fox TV and I think there is actually a special programme that says, come here, foxes, we'll teach you how to live in the city. Nor on a carcass.

Party the night away. You have to get a very, very, very heavy stone and put it on top. Oh, who's got the time to source heavy stones in my crowded schedule? Well, next time they dig up the pavement, which, I mean, in your part of London,

I think probably like many cities, is once every three months. Yeah. Then just ask if you can have a knobbly bit of paving. Hello, workmen. Do you have a knobbly bit of paving I could take away? Just to weigh down my food bin. They'll understand, won't they?

They will. This is from Rachel. Your interview with Denise Welsh was useful in warning people about the over the bank over the phone bank fraud scammers we are I think and hope getting better at knowing what not to do but what I find frustrating and I wonder how you and other listeners feel about this is that neither the police nor the banks appear to be remotely interested in trying to catch the criminals who as you did point out at the end appear to be remotely interested in trying to catch the criminals, who, as you did point out at the end of Denise's story, are just left to carry on doing what they do over and over again. This seems increasingly to be our attitude to crime.

We can't stop it, so just guard against it and have insurance so you can never recover anything you or your customers lose. I don't think that's responsible. Why is it so impossible to track down and stop these people? I wish I knew the answer to that, Rachel. And I don't know if we have any police officers listening. I'm sure we do. Perhaps somebody can tell us why it is. I don't get it. We have talked before about this, about how somebody somewhere is making money out of these scams and they never, ever seem to a price and the banks insurers or whatever it is give the money back to the customers who've lost them have lost their pounds and pence yeah and the banks are

increasingly asking us to spend our time sorting it aren't they which i think is a really i'm too busy trying to find a heavy stone to put on the food bin lid so you know it's like honestly my schedule couldn't get any more crowded. I wonder how many people, you know, you get the endless things now when you're doing online banking before you press do the deal. So it asks you, are you sure?

Do you really know this person? All that kind of stuff. I'd be really interested in how many times that is catching scammers. Because I've got a horrible feeling that like a lot of things in the digital world, you get so used to it. You do read it the first time,

but then it just becomes something that's annoying that you have to leap through. So you just get bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. You know, done. Yes, cool, Sam. You're right. I've seen it so often. Am I really thinking?

Yeah. So they might need another barrier. So we do have to finish because we've got a guest who's waiting in reception to do an interview I tell you what our schedule is pounding today

that's what I mean at my age I can't be too careful but Josie from the Fens I'll do this as the last one from me who ends her email with the phrase down with the patriarchy hello Finn, Jay, myself and partner both brush our teeth together

every evening whilst having a chat, albeit a garbled chat due to the mouths full of toothpaste. This is also despite us having two bathrooms upstairs. Ooh! For some reason, we all, two humans and one dog, end up crammed around one sink.

The oral hygiene session always ends with my partner finishing first, then walking out, turning the bathroom light off and waiting around the corner in the dark to scare me. Oh, the laughter. Wait, wait, wait, the payoff line's lovely though. It would be scary if he hadn't been doing it every night for over three years. Grow up!

Now, I think it's so lovely if that is still making you laugh and also what a fantastic way to know if he was ever replaced with a bot i do are they really still laughing about that oh i bet they are and i bet i bet lots of couples have got exactly, exactly the same, just repeat offender joke. Just repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat. So the old, after a frisky bit of oral hygiene, you get to have a little chuckle. I suppose it's nice, actually. Let's end with bin bags.

Much more important and, frankly, more significant to me. Have you used the 80 litre ones yet? Yes. I was entertaining some old friends at the weekend. Honestly, that's why I'm knackered today. Constant meals they needed. I had no idea. People people come to stay they don't need to eat that's just what are they really expecting another meal i couldn't believe it fiona uh so yes the bin bags had a right battering uh anyway uh this is from rosalyn i hope i've pronounced that right um i currently

often find myself listening to you while i'm breastfeeding my baby by the light of Misty the Cloud room thermometer. I'm not familiar with that product. Look her up for more info, she says, with my snoring husband to the other side of me. Yes, that's one of those great uncelebrated pleasures when the other person is having a lovely kip and you're wide awake and breastfeeding. Anyway, she goes on to say, one of my small pleasures since becoming a grown-up after 10 years of student life was to have a bin with fitted bin bags. It makes emptying the bin almost a joy.

Simple human-size bin and corresponding bags, other matchy bins and bags may be available. She uses the size K bin and corresponding bag. Thick, durable drawstring, doesn't disappear into the bin or leak juice. I highly recommend. Sounds wonderful. I'm not familiar with either that special thermometer

she's breastfeeding by the light of, or indeed the size K bin. But I wish her all the very best. Very much so. Okay, that's where we'll leave it, kids. And we'll pick it up again tomorrow. Jane and Fi at times.radio. And stay safe, stay cool and enjoy the sport.

Congratulations. You've staggered somehow to the end of another Off Air with Jane and Fi. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale, and if you listen to this, you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online on DAB or on the free Times Radio app. Off Air is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer

is Rosie Cutler. you