Off Air... with Jane and Fi - It's not cheap to get a cat an enema!

Episode Date: March 2, 2026

Jane and Fi offer some relief from the nerve shredding news agenda with Jane's shameful anecdotes of horse radish, a deep dive into Harry Styles’ high-waisted trousers, and the latest on Fi’s ever-changing "Free the Nipple" manifesto. Our next book club pick is 'A Town Like Alice' by Nevil Shute. Our most asked about book is called 'The Later Years' by Peter Thornton. You can listen to our 'I'm in the cupboard on Christmas' playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1awQioX5y4fxhTAK8ZPhwQ If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] Follow us on Instagram! @janeandfi Podcast Producers: Hannah Quinn and Eve Salusbury Executive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On your marks, get set, go. Good morning. It is just about morning. It is Monday, March the second, isn't it? 2026. And, well, it was quite a nerve-shredding weekend in many ways, wasn't it? I mean, it's not like we're not used to it now in some ways. But there's a sense that what happened over the weekend

might be the start of something that defines a completely different age. It could be good. it could be terrible. The Middle East is definitely febrile at the moment and I don't know about you. I had quite a lot of conversations with my kids about whether or not this is something that will define their age too. And of course when you're just, you're literally on the boat docking at the Bay of History, you can't tell, can you? No, I mean you can't. And that's why it's always really chilling when you read books set in 1937 and there's all sorts of stuff in the air.

but only we, as readers know, what's about to happen. Some of them might suspect something's about to happen, but lots of people were just carrying on living their lives and complete ignorance. We do have listeners across the Middle East, and particularly in Dubai. Most of our episodes do get through. It's definitely a destination where some of them don't. I hope this one does get through. And we'd be really interested in hearing from you.

I hope you're okay, but I know it's frightening times across the Middle East at the moment. and I think if you know somebody who's in Dubai somebody who can't get home I mean nobody can get home can they and I know there is should we say there's a lively debate about some people who go there to make a life and make a living some people are tempted to treat them with contempt

now I mean there may be a string of reasons where they've decided to go there and live there and make a life there I mean let's just be honest some people are going to make more money and avoid pay tax. So do they deserve to come back on a taxpayer funded? But on the other hand, some people are there at the moment just because that was where their plane went and they were going to get a plane out and now they can't. Look, I always have sympathy for people who, particularly if you've got

young children and you're just trying to work out what the best possible, or what the solution is. Anyway, it must be really awful. That isn't to say, though, that of course the real suffering is in other parts of the world right now. And I'm... Nobody in Iran is going to hear this. But there hasn't been a lot of talk over the weekend about women in Iran who were at one point part of the protest movement, leading the protest movement, have had a wretched existence for however long now.

Well, it's amazing, Jane, how quickly the cause of equality seems to fall off the table because it's happened in so many conflicts before. And then somebody will pipe up a little bit further down the line and go, oh yeah, the women have had a terrible time too. will add that to the list of justifications for action. And don't add it to the list. It should just be on the list, shouldn't it?

So, you know, I know that in Syria, when there was a change of regime, so many people wanted to make the point that if you then didn't allow women to go and sit at that table, bad things would carry on happening. And that's going to be a conversation that has to be had with regard to Iran too. But no, I haven't heard an awful lot of mentions. of the dire, dire situation for women in Iran who just wanted to live outside of that religious orthodoxy, so wanted to have a free life, go to university, let their hair down literally. And, you know, they've ended up in jail and they've ended up being killed.

You know, that's just the truth of it, isn't it? So, yeah, we're going to talk to somebody about that in more depth over the coming days. So, yeah, if you've got any thoughts about that or anyone in. particularly you'd like to hear from, then it would be the right time to bung us an email, Jane and Fiatt Times. Now, I was looking at Substack. I'm quite new, I've joined Substack.

Have you? How do you find it? I haven't written anything. I don't really know how to operate it, but I am reading some other stuff that some people have got on there. Elizabeth Day had written something that I saw today, and it was illustrated with a great black and white photograph of an elderly lady holding a placard that said, they should be

grateful, we just want equality and not revenge. And I thought, well, that's quite good. I'd never heard that before. I think I might adopt that one. But who do you follow on the substack? Well, I'm a paid subscriber to a couple of writers, Jenny Godfrey and Jojo Moyes.

And I really love their direct-to-consumer pieces that they do. So with both of them, they will put up quite a few, I suppose they're blogs, aren't they? That's what we would call them in the old days. pieces that are just free and available to everybody and then if you sign up as a subscriber you get a little bit more from their world I might have to ask you to help me through

how you actually use it. Happy to do that. But what I don't like about substack and I don't know whether other people have found it is change really, really quickly from how it seemed to be at the beginning which was quite an easy to operate platform where you searched out people who you wanted to follow and now whenever I log on

I'm just flooded with other people who I don't want to read. And I'm really having to fight to find the people who I do want to read. And I don't know whether that's just what happens when platforms become more successful

or whether there's a different kind of targeting going on now on Substack. But it seems to be a bit more bewildering. So actually what I find I do is only read the people I've subscribed to because it comes through on an email too

and that's just much easier. So I don't actually have to open the app at all. Oh, that is easy. Yes. But they can't want that to happen. So I'll just mark the card of the substack people. But maybe you just need to clean it up a tiny bit.

Maybe just stop sending everybody everything because otherwise your model's not going to work, is it? You wouldn't have thought it. No, it can't. Do you know, I was so sort of discombobulated by global events, genuinely. I think a lot of people probably were at the weekend that I did spend some time listening to informative radio and podcasts on Sunday morning whilst cleaning out my fridge, which is an activity I have put off for,

I'm going to say probably over a year, Fee, if I'm honest, I bring shame to this anecdote I really do. And as ever, I'm just astonished by the jars of horseradish I seem to have accumulated four. Now, I must have bought it thinking I didn't have any and then just put it all, put it all in the fridge. Are they different? Is one a hot horseradish?

No, they were all, I don't know. Oh, just all, you're just boring horseradish? In various stages of, well, actually, I say decay, but there wasn't any moss growing on any of them so I don't know what's in horseradish really that keeps it lively over many many months who knows but look if anybody wants any no well no that's the problem

I mean I don't know you know it's just anyway you can't do condiment substack it won't work also I did find a couple of jars of capers and some very beyond its sell by eat by enjoy by sauerkraut which the children simply obsessed by all that fermented stuff that they can't get enough of

and frankly this one was well past its heyday so that just went in the bin I made the mistake of trying to be adventurous with my kimchi and you shouldn't be so I bought some turmeric Is kimchi essentially sourcrowed? Yes oh I think people get a bit upset about that don't they? I think kimchi is beyond sourcrow

which inhabits the world beyond sourcrow I think so I'm not too too. sure. I don't want to offend the crowding community at all. Sour or sweet. But I bought some ginger and turmeric. When I bought it already, the tub

had a little dome of fermentation on it. It was pushing up and pushing up, whatever it was inside. It was trying to escape. And then I opened it when we got home. I mean, it's It just smelled like Nancy's farts.

It was so, so pungent. So we closed it, put it back in the fridge. The whole fridge. It stank within 24 hours. And I just thought, I don't care how good that's meant to be for you. I don't want my insides smelling like that because it will make its way to the outside. And the rest of the world will see just her, and indeed smell,

just how healthy your guts are. Yeah, no, it was just beyond. I was sitting next to a bloke on the underground this morning. He does that thing. First of all, he spread his legs, and then he constantly sniffed and made that funny noise that it is generally men who make it. At one point, I thought,

I'm this close to tapping you on the shoulder and handing over, we do have here in the Times Radio offices, Times Radio Hankies, don't we? It's one of the... They have their tiny, aren't there? Tiny little giveaways. The tightly packaged Times Radio Hankies, I very nearly handed him over a packet.

unopened Times Radio Tushes, but then I thought that possibly would have been interpreted as a faintly aggressive act, so I didn't. But please never do that next to me on the underground again. Are you not wearing your headphones and just blasting music into your ears? I was listening to the archers. Oh, okay. And I could still hear the sniffing.

Right. Well, put some tunes on. Yeah, well, I had to in the end because there's a part of my journey that's so noisy that you can't hear the speech. And as people who follow events in Ambridge will know, at the moment, you don't want to miss anything. Okay. Fair enough.

Just on a musical tip, I know that you didn't appreciate this joke but I wanted to just reach all of the corners of the earth because I just thought it was so good. Jack Whitehall was presenting at the Brits which I thought was a phenomenal evening. I normally watch it. I was out so I didn't see it,

but it was good night, was it? It was amazing. All of the performances were just incredible. Harry Stiles was good. Yes, he was really, really terrific. I mean, he can wear a high-wasted trouser, can't see that gentleman. I did see an image of that and you're right, he can.

Yeah, what is it? about him because a lot of men don't suit that look. No, they look terrible. A lot of men go for it particularly in later life. Hey guys. No, it's not good at all. But I think the gentleman who goes for it later in life who needs braces to keep up the high-waisted trouser

and essentially they just look like toddlers. They just look like they've got big nappies on. Well, why do men need braces? Well, because I suppose if you've lost your waist... Is that it? Then you do need something to keep your trousers up. Where's your waist gone? What do you mean you've lost your waist?

Well, it's just, it's gone, hasn't it? It's expanded so you're a rotund shape and your trousers won't stay up without your braces. But Harry's fine, because his hips are bigger than his waist. I've studied this. Got your measuring tape out, staggered over to the telly. I took some, I made some notes. Anyway, what an evening.

And the lead singer of Wolf Alice made such a good speech about how the creative industry, particularly music is just a phenomenon in this country and it doesn't really get all the love and the politics and stuff that it needs is that Alice yeah lots of venues are closing no I think it's wolf yeah I mean we are so that's a very good point yes and and you looked you looked at what was happening in the stadium for the Brits and you just thought yeah this is just mind-bogglingly good mine brilliant at it she had a very very nipple-friendly

top on which ITV obviously they couldn't they couldn't do anything about it when she was walking up on stage but then they just did a very very close up of her face during the speech what do you mean so she was wearing it was kind of like gold chain mail actually and and it was definitely free the nipple Saturday I've got a wolf alice anecdote I did see them at latitude the only time I've ever been to latitude no because we went

Didn't we go with Times Radio? We did, yeah. I went before that, a couple of years before, and developed a terrible allergy to my sun cream while I was there and just spent the whole time crying. I did go into a tent, and I did see Wolf-Ferless, the noise was so terrible I just came straight out. Oh, okay.

So, no, I could see the... They won an award. I know, they're terrifically good, but I just found it very loud. Yeah, the nipple thing is one of those things which I've held two completely different positions about in my lifetime. So... I can't wait here.

You've held two... different positions on nipples. Well, far away. So Chapel Rhone, when she was attending, I don't know what she was attending, but, you know, she put fake nipples on and then had a dress that was only suspended from those nipples.

It was incredibly daring, Jane. I didn't know they weren't real nip. It was like the one that you wore to the same. Yeah. Oh, that one. Yeah. Yeah, that one. It wasn't. And I was talking to some younger people about it, and I just found myself saying,

When I was in my 20s, I just would have really, really fought the cause to be, put your nipples out there wherever you like, wear whatever you like, do whatever you like, say whatever you like, you know, it's your world, rocket. And I just could not be more different at 57. And I just want to confess that I've crossed over the road in terms of opinions. and I never would have thought my 27-year-old self would never have thought that my 57-year-old self would be quite so I think you should cover up love. Yeah, well, I think that is just called, what is that called?

It's called maturing into, well... No, I don't know whether it is, Jane. I've got a horrible feeling. It's just having your mind change by reality. Experience. Yes, and not, you know... Not in a good way. Not in a good way.

It's the hopefulness of youth just being... completely and utterly tarmaced over by reality, isn't it? That's what it is. I guess it is. I mean, this is nothing to do with what you've been talking about, really. But whenever anybody mentions nipples, I think about latching on and the difficulties therein,

if you are attempting to breastfeed a child. And there's only one other context in which the expression latching on or latched on is ever applied. Do you know what that is? What is it? It's in football when often a commentator will say and so and so latched onto the cross. And I just think, just why do you say that?

Okay. It's just nothing like latching on when you're feeding a baby. It's such a complicated area. And these two utterly opposed worlds, universes that will never collide in which that expression is used. Yeah, that's a good point. It latched onto the cross at the far post. Although I would argue that you do use the phrase,

batching on. When? To ideas and thoughts and people and I think I would use it in other contexts. Okay, no, you win that one, that's true. But it's a very good point to make. It would stick out, it would stick out like a sore thumb in a football commentary. Or back to nipples. Back to nipples. Anyway, this whole started.

I just wanted to repeat Jack Whitehall's joke. Oh, yes. He was talking about Lily Album's latest album. No, Lily Albums. Lily Albums. Lily Albums. Lily Allen's latest albums. Yes.

and said something along the lines of the record label launched it like a torpedo. They thought it might sink some ships, but in fact it destroyed a harbour. I just thought it was genius, because David Harbour is her now ex-husband. Yes, it was not a good breakup, was it? And she detailed the not-a-good breakup in that album. But I just thought it was genius. I know you didn't laugh, but I think lots of people. Oh, okay.

So that would that mean, otherwise it is an absolute work of genius. But knowledge is required. It is. Yeah. But it's just brilliant. So I'd like to just, you know, amplify that around the world, please. Right. On we go.

Sorry, I just keep, I'm being distracted by news headlines coming off on the screen. None of it seems good. What's the latest? Oh, you know, something, something, something, something, something, something. Let's talk about, I had another of my five-five reunions on Saturday. And they are quite frequent now. I always have the piss taken out because I'm always going on them. This one was with my more senior group of former colleagues.

We went to bath for the day. And in the following order, had morning coffee, lunch, afternoon tea and cocktails. So there's quite a lot to cram in. Liquid. Gosh. It was all quite liquid. But there was some pasta in the whole thing. But one of my former colleagues has a sister who's about to go on a cruise.

And she has a cat who doesn't like her going away. Fundamentally, the cat has issues that they're going away. It's always like the cat senses it. So she hadn't done a poo for many days, leading up to their departure and it was getting closer and closer. They really did feel that the cat was just doing this vindictively. So the cat had to go to have an enema at the vet. And I just didn't know.

I just genuinely didn't know that such a thing was possible. Anyway, it's not cheap to get your cat an enema at the vets. How would a cat know? It's a good question fee. I don't know the answer to them. That they were going away. I think they sense it. I think maybe they've been talk in the house about it.

And the cat maybe saw the suitcases out. Okay. I mean, I just, would you do that for Dora? Would I pay for it? Well, if she, obviously, if the poor animal was in distress, then of course I would pay for it to have an enema. But was this cat in distress? I think they were in distress.

They're just waiting until they knew that they're touched down in Barbuda. and it just take a great big dump. Feewee. I don't know. We've had some very serious emails, haven't we, about how you should never have your animal put down before you get away as one of our... But it's a serious point from a correspondent, wasn't it?

That they were worried. There was a very elderly animal, and they didn't want for it to die not on their watch because they were out of the country and they were thinking of perhaps ending it all peacefully before they went. And several people have just said, for heaven's sake, you know,

Here's one here, Heather. I feel I must get in touch with you as I was incensed by the lady who's contemplating euthanasia for a faithful dog just to go on holiday, just find a dog sitter. I think it's disgraceful that you could even contemplate terminating a faithful friend and companion because they're inconvenient and you want to see your son.

Well, Heather, I think I would take a slightly more conciliatory approach, I think, to our correspondent who clearly loved their animal and didn't want them to be in distress. So I wouldn't be quite so angry with them. A lot of people just want to offer very practical suggestions. Georgina says, why not try a website? Trusted house sitters are established and reliable. You can state a requirement for experiencing

in administering medication or managing end-of-life care. There will be similar local options which your listener would find online through asking friends and family for recommendations or asking local vets. I urge the listener to ask a risk. around and look for practical solutions that will allow them to travel whilst not artificially shortening the life of an animal. So I'd go down that road because honestly I do think as well

you're going to find yourself sitting on the plane. They were going to New Zealand, weren't they? And if you start that thought process of I shouldn't have done that, that's a very, very, very long way to go carrying it with you. Can you go any further? Whereas if you were just going to the Isle of Man, I'd say do it. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. And also I just think that. there's a way that a pet looks at you,

and I have had to have quite a few pets put down over the years, in those final moments it's quite a look, and it just is quite a look, and it stays with you forever. And I think if the look is interpreted in your mind as also containing some, are you sure, then that's terrible. So, yeah, I think go ask around and find somebody who could be with them if they are going to die.

Yeah. Can we bring in Ali, who says, the correspondent who wrote in about her friend burying the cat at night. We will move on from dead animals, by the way, reminded me of a massive favour I ended up being roped into. While my in-laws were in Hawaii, gosh, that's glamorous. The person who looked after their goats and chickens was taken ill. So I was asked to go over to feed the animals, which I was happy to do,

until they added casually, and could you please milk the goat? Well, I'd never milked a goat, or indeed any animal, for that matter, although they may have thought that my qualification as a midwife gave me some kind of magical ability. I had to chase the goat around the yard, and once I caught it, it had to be led onto a platform where it ate a snack, while I had to figure out the milking part.

It kept eating so fast I could barely keep up with filling the snack bowl to keep her still, whilst trying to relieve the poor girl of her engorgement. Did I mention I was in full, ill, inclement weather gear, as it had also started to snow heavily. In the end, I had to face time with my swimming costume-clad in-laws, so they could give me directions while the snow piled up on me, the goat,

and did the screen of my phone, making the whole charade so ridiculous I didn't know as a laugh or cry. Ali, you've been through the mill there. I'm just stuck on the word engorgement. It's not one. Even written down, it's absolutely terrifying. It's onomatopoeic, isn't it?

Oh, God, yes. It really does the job that. Engorgesmen. A little bit like discharge. Oh. I think that's very... That's stopped everybody in their tracks, hasn't it? Are you heading towards the romantic evening?

Swerving now. This comes in from Lou, who just says, such fun listening to your banter and attempts at Antipodean place name pronunciation today. I grew up in. We called it Geylon, but Lou says,

try saying Jelong for a phonetic attempt at it. Jolong? Jolong. Jolong? Jolong. That sounds like an Aussie girl's name. Jolong.

I don't know whether we've quite captured it. I don't know. But we've had a back. Lots of people have written in about dogs in public places. And I think we've touched on this very briefly before, Jane. But it is a nightmare of you've got a pet allergy. How is everybody coping? Being in cafes, especially in wintertime,

where you've got all these shaggy dogs who come in for a walk and they, you know, bristle around and, you know, leave quite a lot of themselves. It must be an absolute nightmare. Rachel just says, long-time listener, love the show. Love the show. Just reminds us as Steve, doesn't it?

Come back, Steve. Steve, Steve. Your recent chat on dogs in a pub may be writing, can I ask dog owners to please be considerate of other people? I have asthma, which only flares up around dogs and cats and horses. I can easily avoid cats and horses in my local cafes, pubs and restaurants,

but not dogs. I often end up leaving early to get outside for some fresh air as I'll be struggling to breathe normally. Five years ago, I'm sure this issue of dogs being in every eatery didn't happen. I certainly don't wish to be near a dog whilst eating and drinking, as in the end it will make me ill, but we asthma sufferers don't seem to be as important as dogs these days. Please think about those with pet allergy asthma.

Sorry, rant over. Well, Rachel, it's not a rant at all. I just think it's a really good point, and I think more people should make it, actually. Yeah, people do. I mean, I've got a friend who's got a pet allergy, but I didn't know she had one. as severe as she clearly does have,

because she came around for a drink, I think it was just after Christmas, and yeah, the cat wasn't in the room, or even downstairs, but it still affected her. And then I met her on the tube the other morning, and I think I set her off just because I'd left a house with a cat in it. I mean, she was sneezing within milliseconds of us starting to talk.

Yeah. It's quite funny, though, isn't it, when you meet people on the tube, because a lot of people want to have me time on the underground, I noticed, and on lots of public transport. And sometimes you do think, oh God, there she is. And this is not me talking, it's probably her, thinking, oh, God, there's Jay. I mean, we're getting the same train.

There's probably no escape. I've got to have to talk to it. Have you ever done that thing where you do just march past someone who clearly, you've had a tiny nanosecond. A flicker, a mutual recognition. Mutual recognition. But you've both in that nanosecond decided to just plow on. Yes.

I think it's an experience we've all had, if we're honest. And I own my own, I've done it, but I know also that people have thought, I'm going to sit next to work. That's a very rude word. We're trying to be heard in the Middle East. Okay, sorry, thank goodness for that. I can hear people thinking, yes.

Sorry, I just felt like. Sometimes it's just good to say it, isn't it? It is. Well, maybe we could invent an international hand symbol that just says, I like you very much, and we'll catch up another time. Not today. No, just not to stay.

I'm just busy. I'm with Ken Follett. Oh, now, a track for the, what's it called? A coiled spring. So this is the latest podcast playlist. It'll only have 12 songs on it. So the first 12 who get them in, those will be on the playlist.

We like to keep them short. Could I recommend Tame Impala with Diana Ross turn up the sunshine? It's such a happy tune. Happy, happy, happy, happy tune. And who doesn't like Diana Ross? Upside down. Do you remember when she was at the World Cup opening ceremony?

No, I don't. I think it was the one that was in, well, it must have been in the year. USA, the World Cup that she opened. She had to... Oh, lots of people remember that she had to kick a ball into... She took a pet. It was a bit silly.

Was it? I don't think Diana Ross's career up front for Tramere Rovers didn't go all that well. Well, she only did a season. Let's forgive her. And also, let's put the blame on the producer who thought that was a good idea. What a nightmare that would be. She's a woman who's been at the top of a game for, what, five decades? She's amazing.

That game wasn't football. Can we just... Would you mind checking that, Hannah? Where did Diana Ross appear and take a penalty? Because I may have got that wrong. I mean, it's quite a thought, isn't it? I was listening intently, as always this week, says Sharon, and I have to agree with the correspondence,

who didn't like that trial. That was our visualization trial that went out as an audio offering. Was it last week? Was it the week before? Last week. Because it mangled lovely Eve's dulcet tones. I couldn't make out anything she was saying. Well, Eve's away at the moment, isn't she?

She's back there on. Oh, she'll be back here next week. Yes. Yeah. My main reason for emailing was when I heard that revelation about Jane not wearing, matching knickers and bra. I do hope this email makes her think again. My husband Frank used to work in A&E and as you'll appreciate, these highly stressful environments often produce a level of dark humour. I'm sure professionalism and good clinical practice were paramount, but he told me if they were having to cut the clothes off an unfortunate patient and the knickers didn't match the bra, that some of the somebody would always mutter, not for resus. Well, I'm with them. Sadly, this is continued at home. Wow, Sharon. And if I'm taking a chance with a white bra and black knickers,

he spots it and tells me to be careful as I won't be resuscitated that day. Well, I tell you what, you know where you are with your hubby, Frank, Sharon. Good luck, but that's certainly given me food for thought. Quite a few people have emailed in about the matching undies, haven't they? And it is quite a thing for quite a lot of you. We did say when we were talking about it last time around, though,

it's not necessarily that they have to be properly matching. Oh, you see, that's helped me because I thought initially they had to be part of a sort of a loving couple. No, and somebody did point out that if you are buying your bras from Rigby and Pellar, which is the place that you take your decoletage and beyond. I was going to say you're... Are you careful? Take your remarkable. Take yourself.

Your remarkable selves too. Then a bra from Rigby and Pella, I mean it's got a royal warrant, hasn't it? It's kept up the Queen's boobs for years. I don't know what royal warrants worth these days, to be honest. That feels like yesterday's news. I hope that hasn't gone away, by the way. No, I don't think it will go away.

I'm sure it will come back. But it can set you back. There can be three figures, can't they? So if you were trying to buy pants that match those kind of bras, then, you know, they... So they're more flatmates than a loving couple. Yeah, they would be prohibitive, exactly. Yeah. But you just get one nice bra and then match the colour.

That's the important thing, I find, I think. And I think these days you can buy an extraordinarily nice pant from just a normal big store, can you. Sainsbury's do a fantastic range of pants. Love them. Yeah. do. Yes, I don't know. Oh, yes, they've got their clothing range, haven't they? Tiu. Choo. Yes, maybe I just can't pronounce it. That's why I hesitated.

Choo. It's spelt, darling? How is it spelled? T.T.U. I wonder why they went for that. It's very silly, isn't it? It's a bit pretentious. It's French. It's French for an intimate in France, isn't it? It's what you apply to somebody you know well. Yes. Whereas I would, to be honest, I'd buy more from the range if it was the more formal vu.

Yes. I don't want that aisle to be too friendly with me. Well, I do like their clothes. Actually, very nice. This one is train announcements. It comes in from Emma Wilcox. I was listening to a recent episode where if he was very energized by the addition of personal to belongings,

I just find it unnecessary, Emma, in announcements on trains and buses. So I was delighted by the conductor on the DLR to Stratford International this evening, who sent to a weary load of Friday evening commuters, that's my stomach. We are edging towards. afternoon tea time here we should say.

Please remember to take all of your baggage with you, including your emotional baggage. Wow, that's the 21st century, isn't it? Isn't it just? You lots of people barely noticing, but a fellow traveller and I caught each other's eyes and shared a smile. Humanity is great. Well, Emma, that's just superb. Whoever it was on that train as the conductor, well, props to you. Yeah, absolutely. You wouldn't have heard that announcement back in World War II, would you? Absolutely not. No, but that's when you would have needed it the most.

Exactly, yeah. Now, we interviewed Ellie Griffiths, the novelist on the pod and indeed on the radio show last week. And Claire has written in to say, I knew her as Domenica, my childhood friend and playmate from the ages of 8 to 16. We, along with the other girls in our road, would spend long hot summers playing together on our bikes,

playing tennis, and performing plays for our own entertainment. Dominica had a truly inspirational imagination even then. My mum used to say she's going to do. going to be a writer. We lived in Salt Dean opposite the Downs and had a great time together, often with ponies in tow. I would dearly love you to pass this message onto her or her publisher. So Claire will do that and we'll let Ellie formally, I mean, she doesn't use the name, Ellie Griffiths in her real life. So Claire's absolutely right. She was, and still is, Dominica. Hannah, thank you very much. I love her explanation for it, which, apart from anything else,

is that that's meant to be the perfect place for your books to be in a bookst. store, isn't it, on the F-G-H. Yeah. Although it didn't help our book, did it? Well, I was just about to say, we have a combination of F, G, G and J. Yeah. So it should have flown off the shelves. It's still available, though, kids. It's got highly relevant stuff in it, stuff that actually was very prescient, Jane.

Darling, I always think of it as being, it was before, that was the problem. It was before its time. It's a seminal work. Yes. Have you, Hannah, sorry. Have you nailed down Diana Ross? What was it? It was Diana Ross, famously missed a penalty, during the 94 FIFA World Cup in Chicago.

Oh, I'm sad that we've brought that up, actually. Thank you, Hannah. Because that's not her fault, is it? I mean, how ridiculous to ask her to do that. She was probably wearing heels in a sequin dress. I think she was. And it was a beach ball. That was the stupid thing.

You can't kick one of those at the best of times, can you? She was also performing, I'm coming out. Oh, a lot of multitasking. Duranic. Very, very few footballers have. Male footballers have not been able to do exactly that, have they? No, that's a very good point, sister. Yes, it is. It is a bit odd that, isn't it?

I wonder when that will change. I mean, women's football is fantastically, you know, but I don't think people don't even care. I mean, they just don't. And that's brilliant. But their men's game, it's odd. It just hasn't happened. And it hasn't happened because it can't happen

because the person who does it just would have a hard time. but you just imagine, aren't we beyond that? Aren't they beyond that? I mean, I'm talking about the fans who apparently couldn't put up with it. It's sad, isn't it? I mean, just go do one. Exactly.

The things that the fans can't put up with are illegal, aren't they? You know, they are isms that it is illegal to shout that, to say that, to write that, to do that. So, you know, it's a weird pressure, isn't it? It is. We've got to maintain homophobia

So, no, I can't really work that one out. Literally, no, there's no justification. But I do understand, and I would never say to, I don't know, to a young man at the peak of his athletic powers, take a chance and be yourself in public because they'll probably pay a savage price. It will take people to do it together. Very much so. Very much so. And do you know what, it might take people not in this country.

It might take a different footballing league in a place that doesn't have fans. And it's a seam of fans, isn't it? It's not all the fans. And then I think our, certainly our Premier League would look to that and go, actually, that's okay. We'll all do it together.

But I hope it happens soon because it is really dire. And also, as with any prejudice, it prevents talent from really, shining because if you are a young gay man and you're very very good at football perhaps you think well I'm not going to pursue this because I want to be myself

so I'm not going to put myself in a position where I have to make a choice between being incredibly good at football or just being who I am well rugby union and league I think have both had players successful players people quite significant in the game who have come out so I don't know it just I've suddenly remembered

that as Hannah mentioned that she's saying I'm coming out that it is a bit of a stain on that game on the male version of the game. It is very much so. So just back to where that all started, do get your suggestions in for Coiled Spring the playlist because I think we need it this week.

We need to get it all up and running. We can pop it in our ears and really feel that Spring is springing and we just need a little bit of joyful stuff in our ears at the moment because there's definitely, there is darkness and there might be quite a lot of rather sinister things coming our way over the next couple

of weeks and months. Also, we will be doing our Book Club book, won't we? I've gone into seamlessly, Jane, I've gone into parish notices here. Well, can't, do you know, have you started it yet? Just about to say, I have started it. And I've been listening

to you saying that there are various things in it that are going to, it's quite triggering even the first couple of pages where a young woman is talked about as being completely incapable of running her own financial affairs because she's just female and won't understand how things work. And I did think, oh god

this is going to be a tough one but nevertheless it's also and I've heard you say it's very readable there's a kind of straightforwardness about it that I know I'll be able to read it

really easily I think I've read it before but it must have been years and years ago yeah it's a very linear read yes it's it's there's something about the style that is I don't know it's just yeah I'm definitely

I'm really quite looking forward to reading more when I get back tonight there are bumps in nearly every chapter Yeah, but we will talk about that and quite a few of our listeners have already identified some of the language that's used and, yeah, that prevailing attitude towards a young woman and what she's capable of is quite mind-boggling to us.

It's not really in the depths of history either, but it's so worth talking about Jane because, you know, progress is to be celebrated but the stuff that comes before progress is made is often extremely uncomfortable, which is why you need to make progress. So I don't think we should fight shy of talking about it in all of its spectacular of its time glory.

It was a very, very successful book at the time and obviously then made into a TV show and a film. And it would be interesting to have that conversation about whether or not the element of, I mean certainly misogyny but racism as well was changed at all for the movie and for the TV show. I can't remember very much about the TV show.

I never saw the film. So let's talk about all of it. Let's not be over kind of sensitive about it. Jean is in a place that, or is it Jean, because the email suggests it might be Jean. Where is she joining us from? Well, it doesn't say. Well, Earl Stoke.

I've never heard of Earl Stoke, have you? Earl Stoke. It doesn't sound very French. No, it doesn't. What are you talking about? She says, you can't see the joy in a shreddy. You've got to time it right, but the satisfaction of slurping in a mouthful of well-sugured shreddies with whole milk, just long enough for them to absorb a good glut of milk, yet maintain their crunch is an absolute joy. I don't know, I mean, you've tried there. I mean, it sounds quite sensual the way you describe it. Honestly, you two still have so much to accomplish.

Love and respect says Jean Well thank you Jean I like you sound like a good woman But I don't know I'm with Fee neither of us really fancy it Sounds like quite an effort And the timing would be very precise No sorry

No It was always a challenge wasn't it To get to the bottom of the bowl of Frosties Before they lost their crackle Their kind of sharpness Because once a frosty's gone flabby You don't want that anywhere near your mouth No you really don't

an unpleasant sensation to say the least God, I mean, Frosties were sugary, weren't? Oh, my words! I didn't know if they still are, but good God. Yes, yes, yes. I'm going to save my other emails that have come in over the weekend for tomorrow because quite often we leave the Monday edition

and, you know, we chuck out because we think, oh yes, we've done those and I always feel rather bad for people who've written in over the weekend. Well, I know what you mean, but I just wanted to mention Rob, who says, I want to say a huge thank you to the two ladies knowing in our house as my radio aunts.

Isn't that lovely? Sounds like Rob's slightly junior to us. Pretty slightly. Well, maybe to you. You've been such a big part of the audio backdrop of my life. Oh, that's actually nice, isn't it? I liked hearing from your correspondent who moisturises their hands

and then traps themselves in their own bathroom because it's too, you know, too emolient to open the door knob. I call these annoying but relatively inconsequential mistakes we somehow can't stop making, always crashing in the same. car like the Bowie song. Now for over 20 years, says Rob, I've cycled into work, got in the shower, dried, sprayed deodorant and immediately reached down for clean clothes from my bag, only to come

straight back up, coughing and spluttering, because I've put my head through the small fog of manly perfumed aerosol I just sprayed milliseconds before. Then I instantly wonder how I can have made this small, inconsequential, but annoying mistake several thousand times now without my subconscious catching on. another one isn't it do you know I've I've just got one word it is hyphenated say to you Rob roll on that's a good point that

I'm quite intrigued by people who have to shower at work have you ever had a shower at work no and even when I was cycling to work I didn't bother no well I say no as though I take it as a given that you wouldn't have showdown when did you cycle into work I used to cycle to broadcasting house

did you all the time yep did you wear a helmet yes always a gold one and I mean it was quite a challenging cycle on the way back No it would have been in the Listening Project Day so it would have been there was a very good cycle lane that they built coming through Fitzrovia which is one of the first curbed cycle lanes

but it really weirdly ended up being a bit of an accident hotspot because the cyclists would think right I've got a curved cycle lane I'm going to absolutely go for it but it still had two left turns across it. And I had a very, very near miss with a big truck on it. Because, you know, nobody kind of said, right, everybody, let's all stop across the UK and watch a safety video about what cycle lanes mean and whose priority you have

and who doesn't have priority and all that kind of stuff. So they just emerged kind of overnight in big cities. And nobody knew how to use them. And the big trucks just thought, this is my right of way and cyclists thought because quite often the pavement colour would be changed this is my right of way there were just terrible accidents

the cycle super highway just became an absolute nightmare it was really odd Jane it was very badly done presumably you wouldn't make that trip on a bike now would you no so I did stop cycling after that because I just got a little bit I got scared and you don't want to cycle in the city if you're a bit scared because I think your reaction times go a bit do lally but

I wouldn't really, I've cycled to work here a couple of times and it's not bad, it's not bad but there's one horrendous junction at bank that I really don't like so I don't tend to cycle an awful lot but I've never taken my clothes off and had a shower at work to your original question and is that what it is for you?

It's the fact you'd have to take your clothes off at work. Yes, I think there's just something I don't know. It's like your stomach again. That sounded like a windy pop. Let's just be honest about it. It wasn't, because I'm in the room. It's good.

There is, I am, if I'm honest, I'm slightly impressed by the idea of being all sort of getting into work and then having a shower and then striding into the office. Well, you should do it then. If I was going to cycle to work from my home, I'd have to set off now to get here for Thursday. So no, it doesn't work because I'd have to go. No, it's not going to, no.

I think you would surprise yourself, actually. I think because you'll be able to cycle straight. down the river, wouldn't you? Yes, I probably would but do you know, funny you mention it, I saw my bike. Not on the river. Who do I think I am? I tried to get at my bike yesterday it's in my shed and for the door

of the shed is wedged well it's not completely shut and nor is it open but it's... It's wedged by the Astridor's, isn't it? It is. Have you had that problem? No, you told me about yours. When did I tell you about that? Quite a long time ago. Well, it's still wedged. Yeah, that's not good. What's going to

happen? Have you got your summer fun time furniture in there? Yes, of course. Is the battling ball in there? Badling balls in there. It's swing ball in there. Swing ball is in there still. And yes, and yeah, and my what passes from my so-called garden furniture. Anyway, that's it.

We're going to have to cut around that, you know. Well, yes, okay. You sound like one of those blokes that comes round and you off of them, they go, oh, well. Do you know what? It's going to cost you. A lovely young lad called Jack came around to sort out the mix of valve on the shower and the very, very dodgy flush in the downstairs toilet on my birthday.

Well, that's nice. And he was just superb. And I very rarely fill in the feedback things afterwards because I just think, oh, do your own marketing and advertising. Don't use me. I've just paid you for it, mate. But I thought he was so polite and lovely and fantastic. So I did write a glowing review and outstanding 10 stars

and just said, they say, what's the reason for you? giving such a high grade. And I said, well, because he was absolutely solution-focused instead of problem-focused, which can be a little bit of a problem with your company when you come around to do it. And I thought those are phrases that I just never, my younger self would never imagine. But my older self would ever need to. We've heard quite a lot in this email-only edition of the podcast about how you've changed your views over the years. But the phrase solution-focused. Not problem-focused. what happened

Yeah Your wet wet cat suit leather effect wearing 26 year old self would be alarmed But I like this version of you And I'm sure lots of other people do too

Right Well anyway, well done Jack He was a great, great plumber And now people can Take their easement in your downstairs facility With no difficulty at all Post event Very much so, lovely

Well, do join us tomorrow. No cake slice meat it. Right, only if you know you know. I'm not going to explain it. It's Jane and Fee at Times Dot Radio. Congratulations. You've staggered somehow to the end of another off-air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale. and if you listen to this, you'll understand exactly why that's the case.

So you can get the radio online on DAB or on the free Times Radio app. Offair is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.