Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Juliet Bravo and a tube of Canesten

Episode Date: February 9, 2026

Fi’s had a bumpy start to the morning in the form of a classic misplaced-phone palaver, but crisis averted… After that, Jane and Fi chat unsubtle Anusol product placement, the glis glis, confused supermarket chocolate, and latex-clad mother-in-laws. Our next book club pick is 'A Town Like Alice' by Nevil Shute. Our most asked about book is called 'The Later Years' by Peter Thornton. You can listen to our 'I'm in the cupboard on Christmas' playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1awQioX5y4fxhTAK8ZPhwQ If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] Follow us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producers: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

To another week. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Now, Feast had a minor drama, but it's not so minor when it happens, because your phone went missing. It did. It's happened to me, it's usually in the house somewhere, but basic... That's Eve.

Who needs some WD-40. She's had another of her hectic 20s weekends. But when you lose your phone these days, it's your whole life that's gone. I had a pan of town. It's terrifying. I had a panic. I took Nancy on a walk and don't judge me for this. Nancy is a greyhound. Nancy's back legs are very, very stiff these days.

So sometimes we're a little bit tight for time in the morning. So I do popper in the car to go to the park and then that's good. Because sometimes at the moment she can sit down in the park and she needs to stay there for half an hour. Well, we've all been there. Exactly. And then we come back. So I was sitting down on the bench in the park and Nancy was having a nice little sniff around. And I got chatting to somebody. So I thought, oh my God, I've left my phone on the bench.

I was getting ready for work about an hour. But you hadn't looked at your phone for an hour? No. I find that astonishing. Really? Yeah, I do. Oh, okay. So I try very hard to leave my phone in a different room from me in the house now for exactly that reason.

And also, because as you and I know, because obviously we're working in the world of journalism. Oh, my goodness. On a live news between two and four every afternoon. And the news pings that come through, you do feel compelled to read every single one of them at the moment. there were a lot because we're living in a fast-paced political world. But I do try very hard not to always be checking. So now I thought I'd left my phone on the bench, so I thought, okay, I've got to go back and get it.

I'd alerted Eve via email that I was going to be a little bit late for work, and I had a massive panic. And I genuinely thought, how will I get through today without my phone? Now, I don't do a job that is indispensable to the world. Just a moment. My children would know how to get in touch with me if they really needed me. Barely 10 years ago,

that wouldn't even be a thought that had entered any of our heads. We wouldn't have felt vulnerable because we didn't have a phone with us. What's happened? What's happened? I don't know. No, we've just become so reliant.

It's just that every single bit of my life is on that phone and it's truly, truly terrifying. I had a sudden thought that maybe I shouldn't come to work. because it's enough a phone with me. Just that what's happening? Well, you know, because we do use our... Anyway, look, we use our phones in the studio all the time because we're constantly, you know, checking things

and all of that kind of stuff. I know it's hard to tell sometimes on this podcast, but Eve helps us out. But the long and the short of it was, it had dropped out of my jeans in the car, so it was in the floor of the car. Right. And I'd emailed the late in life love interest

and said, can you keep phoning me until I answer? You need someone to play that part, don't you? Just keep phoning in five or ten years. It's not like you're busy. You can drop everything. Oh, dear, right. Okay, well, it's turned up. You're back with us.

Right. Yeah. We just wanted to thank everybody for, well, lots and lots of emails today. We've done our best to read them all. We do normally get round to reading them all, don't we? There have been a load over the weekend, and we thank you very much for taking the time. Because we were only saying it's a lovely thing to come in on a Monday

and to see the emails, I know you sometimes read them at home. Well, you do it every day from home, don't you. I do. And I just love it because we don't take it for granted. We absolutely don't take it for granted that people are remotely interested in what we're saying. So we're thrilled that you're still so keen to be a part of it. We thank you very much. Can we do just a couple of the emails that have been about last week's podcasts

where you and I did Ventar Spleans about the anger that we, felt was raging around a lot of communities about what the Epstein files had revealed, but wasn't raging around everybody. And that's what really was annoying us, wasn't it? And we've had so many lovely emails. And I know that I would speak for you too in saying this. Sometimes it is so wonderful on this podcast to realise that we are on the same page as so many of you. And it's a page that just needs to be read by more people. It should be on the front page. It should be.

And the reason why it means so much to us is because we're quite long in the tooth now. And we know it wasn't there for us when we were younger. And you do live in a world of hope, don't you? Where you think we're making progress as women. You hope we're making progress of women. And of course we are making progress.

But sometimes there are just these pockets revealed to us where you just think, oh, snakes and ladders. You know, we've gone halfway up the board and then something comes along like Epstein, you're all the way back down the bottom, and it's really frustrating and depressing. So should we just do a couple of bits and pieces because we really, really appreciate you being in touch with us?

This one remains anonymous, always fine by us. We take really good care of your emails, actually. So Eve's absolutely brilliant at making sure that nobody, apart from us, sees especially the sensitive things. This person says, I just wanted to thank you for your outpouring of victim support. I drove to work holding back tears of relief hearing others want to cry out about victims

I was nothing to do with Epstein but it is so triggering my father-in-law sexually abused me and when it all came out the focus of the whole family and my ex-husband was all on him and his past acts why other women from the church and babysitters had fled and also they focused their attentions on how awful it was for my mother-in-law

it was only 14 years later when I went to support my daughter singing at her granddad's funeral that the family acknowledged how difficult it must have been for me and thank me for going. My experience was nothing in comparison to the Epstein victims. So if it's that triggering for me, I just cannot imagine how they're coping.

Masking cannot be enough. God, I mean, I was really shocked by that email because that's such a desperately lonely position for our emailer to have been in. And for the rest of the family, not to be able to acknowledge. what she'd been through. I mean, that is absolutely horrific. So lots of love to you and thank you for telling us about it because, again, it's another example of crap happening that needs to get

out there. I should just say, actually, I spent part of the weekend reading Giselle Pelico's memoir. Her lawyer is going to be on the program and on the podcast next week when you're away next week. I am away. It's half term next week. And of course, Giselle Pelico's memoir is going to be a difficult read. but I'm reading it very slowly because it is so bloody difficult and you really feel that I don't even know I haven't got the adjectives really for it that's next week so if you're not already livid

about the stuff that's going around I don't think next week is really going to help you this is from a listener who says I wanted to thank you for the righteous anger and outrage especially from Fee at the terrible details we're learning from the Epstein files I'm just so exhausted and infuriated by the constant reporting of these despicable, powerful men who seem to be getting away with it all, Scott Free, where are the women's and girls' voices, where are the victims' voices? Why is nobody questioning the systems that allow all of this? I'll give them a clue. One of them is called the Patriarchy. I'm reminded of that Jermaine Greer quote, women have very little idea of how much men hate them.

Which you mentioned on the podcast last week. Did I? You did. Okay. Thank you for validating my feelings by sharing your anger. I recently heard that the main clients for rage rooms, at these places where you pay to spend an hour, smashing up old tellies with a big hammer, a middle-aged woman.

And I do wonder how we can harness our collective anger and voice to change this world for the better. Well, thank you for that, and thank you for all the other emails on the same subject. We'll keep banging on this subject, won't we? We're not going to let it go. We're not going to let it go. And can we just say a special thank you to our celebrity listener Ian Dale, because he's done a substack post about the fact he listened to the podcasts last week.

And a little thing changed in his mind about the way that he had perceived some of the women who had been abused by Epstein. I think it's a bold man who can go, okay, I've had those kind of thoughts. And now I've listened to women talk about it. And I'm having a different kind of thought. And we absolutely salute that. And it's part of the problem, Jane, isn't it? that if you only ever hear men talking about the problems of men, you are leaving out half of the world's perspective.

And I know that it comes as a form of irritation to some people to hear two women talk about the problems of women. But why not? Why not give us a go? No, give women's views a go. How about that? That could be our slogan on a tissue. Interestingly, today, William and Kate have come out and expressed their sympathy and support for the victims of the team.

And have they said anything else? No, that's the thing. That was my first thought was, have they mentioned Andrew? And there's no direct reference to him in that statement. And I'm afraid it's not good enough. You've actually got to acknowledge that this member of your family, and I appreciate neither of them can possibly be responsible for the antics of this individual.

But name him, say that one of the people that you're revolted by, is your own uncle and uncle by marriage because that's what he is I'm just trying to work it out. Yes, he's William's uncle. William, of course, is in Saudi Arabia for the next couple of days on a very important government trade mission.

I mean, you can insert your own... What a world we live in. What a world. And he's dancing across the lily pads there, isn't he? We obviously will carry on talking about this, but you know, I really love the email from Alison because she tells us about all of her

feelings of rage too but then does that thing which we hope we'll always try and do on the podcast which is make a leap into other stuff as well and don't worry that will always keep coming and Alison says your nostalgic discussion about toiletries like Méti reminded me

of flex conditioner which I used in my teens in the 1980s I haven't thought of flex for years I hadn't either but the smell has come right back it was rather good it was wasn't it? They didn't it She did a shampoo, not just a conditioner, because I was very dependent on flex. Alison said it looked like custard and it smelt divine.

My harshly permed and henared hair needed all the custard help it could get. And she then goes on to say, I saw Hamlet at the cinema, a packed house. The film left me rather unmoved, despite Jesse Buckley's incredible performance. However, we collectively tittered at the BFC rating 12A, brief moderate sex, which mutters of familiarity through the audience of mostly middle-aged women and couples. That sounds nice, a bit of brief, moderate sex. Bring it on. Right, thank you for that, and thank you for all the emails on that subject.

Because we don't want to be overly miserable, do we? But there are times when we've just got it. We're allowed to vent the same as everybody. Oh, hugely. Vent and also be a place where you can tell us your stories because that's the point that was really, really annoying me last week was people saying, you know, we must remember the victim. It's just like, but say, you know, say something about how, I mean, in our political leaders case, say how that will change how you vet people.

It will change the way that you talk about people who've had any involvement in that nasty, nasty world of abuse and paedophilia. And, you know, say that you've spoken to a victim and therefore you understand what it is that victims would like to be seeing at the moment. just add something to it. That's a sensible way forward. And I know that we don't want to focus solely or at all really on the fate of men's political careers, but it is just worth acknowledging, as other people have already said,

if our Prime Minister pays the price and actually does have to resign over Mandelson and Epstein, wouldn't it be really quite incredible that Trump stays in office throughout this? I mean, just, I know Kirstarm is not. perfect but dear God it's just unbelievable if that is what occurs

bloody hell ever forget that Donald Trump was on tape saying I just grabbed them by the pussy it's fine it was just locker room talking people still voted for him including women yeah so you know bloody hell gliss gliss yes the gliss gliss

yes well this is very weird Michaela strachan was a very welcome guest on Thursday in fact wasn't she and Miranda has sent us an image which I am both revolted by and it's made me laugh as well have you seen it I have gliss in our house

I had to write in when you mentioned gliss glisses growing up in Hertfordshire they were a feature of my childhood my aunt famously once woke up in the middle of the night to one sitting on her bedside table and peering down at her curiously can we just say that actually Can you just explain what a gliss gliss is

Well it's a kind of rodent it's a squirrel light and also rat-like, but not the same as either of them. I mean, that image does suggest a sort of rat with a tail. A bushy tail. A bushy tail. That's often how people describe the grey squirrel, and glist-glis is not quite the same as a grey squirrel.

I don't know, it's got a slightly cuter face. My own glist-glis experience came a couple of years ago. I was house and pet sitting at my childhood home, and I woke up at five in the morning, to the sound of what I thought was the cat being sick. Right, that's quite a familiar sound, isn't it? When the noise didn't stop, I got out of bed to discover a gliss-gliss halfway up the wall, Spider-Man style,

with a very bemused cat sitting, staring up at him. So if anyone ever asks what noise a terrified glist-glis makes, I'm telling you, it's easily mistaken for a vomiting cat. It took me two hours to remove it. My sister suggested we name him Graham. from the house. Or did we sex the glisk-clis? I don't know. I eventually succeeded by sort of sweeping him along the wall and out of the window using a broom.

There was a dicey moment when he swung upside down on the broom and started crawling along the handle towards my face, hissing as he went. The photo attached is Graham shortly before making his final exit. I have to admit that with the distance of hindsight, he's quite cute. He's not that cute, Miranda, I'll tell you that. Sorry, the story you tell there of this creature coming towards you on the broom handle. I mean, the cheek of the bloody thing. It's the sort of ownership of the domestic setting.

This creature appeared to have acquired. Absolutely diabolical. I've just never heard of a grisclist before. I only read about them in the tabloids last week. Okay. There are a thing in certain parts of these so-called home counties. They haven't really got to the rest of the country yet. Right.

Pain in the ass. Aren't we blessed in the South? In so many ways. There's a wonderful picture, small lady, big dog that comes in from Celia. Have you seen this one? I mean, it looks like an AI-generated thing. I wondered whether it was, could it be true?

It's amazing. Is it true? Firstly, listener from the Piazza Days, so a long time ago, a massive thank you to both for keeping me sane to these last difficult months with chemo sessions and all that goes with it. Well, we send you lots and lots of love, Celia.

We are totally and utterly here for you in your ears. We do, Celia, best of luck. And you say lastly, a pick of me, eight stone and when I had hair with my gorgeous big fella, Winston. Now, Winston is a dog. Old 12 stone of him, and also one of my husband with Winston, believing that he's a good lap dog.

Now, you've got this monster, I mean, this monster, a 12 stone dog. We might have to put that up on the Instagram. I think we might have to put the gliss-gliss up there as well. I think some people are a bit baffirmed. So, yeah, let's start a new Instagram feature of just weird and wonderful animals in this country. I think we could go some distance with that.

We're still getting a lot of butter dish content. We're the only podcast, I think, on earth, getting butter dish content. And we thank you all. There's some cracking images. But just as a health and safety announcement, I feel on about to draw attention to the fact that not every olden days butter dish is suitable for the dishwasher.

So we've had a number of emails about this. You could be very careful. Sometimes they can shatter. and then you could end up with bits of glass in inappropriate places. Right. So take note. Okay. Just be very careful.

Okay. Well, well done, domestic sister. Very, very good work there. Didn't you have, you were watching, I mean, you're never going to be a TV critic, are you? Because of my own career as a TV critic, it should we say. But Fee gave away an ending last week. A lot of people are up. She's trying a new series, and it's on the ITV last night.

Okay, so it's called betrayal. Yes. And it's billed as a... It's spies. It's a spies. It's spies. They're from M.E.5 and M.I.6. And I don't really understand what's happening.

If I may say so, it's a script that I feel may have been written with the phone scroller in mind. It's not the most challenging of scripts. Well, what's happened? All plots at the moment. But I did want to mention it just in case anybody else had seen it. I think it is the first major appearance for a tube of eight. penisol cream in an IT week. Nothing wrong with that product, by the way. Peak time drama. And I'm very glad. I wish this had been a visualised edition. I'm very glad

to see that little expression on your face, Jane. Just without giving too much way. Which was a little bit like a surprised glisk-glis, because I wasn't expecting it and you weren't expecting it. And I don't think anybody else would have been expecting it. Is it an essential part of the plot? No, it seems to have nothing to do with the plot. The guy who is the agent, it starts off with him, he's meeting a contact, what would you call it, a, you know, an informer. Thank you. He's meeting an informer in a car park. Oh, of course.

Of course, always in a car park. Underground? No, this is at a service station off the motorway. I was trying to picture which one it was. I don't think it was T-Bay. But anyway, he's in a service station and he goes into the gents because he obviously, you know, you think that he's going to. to go and meet the informant in there. And he goes into one of the cubicles

and he gets out a tube of hemorrhoid cream product. And he's just about to manage to apply it to his difficult piles. He hears the voice of the informant. So he follows him out. And the drama continues. And I was watching it just thinking, is this going to be a key part of the plot?

And it doesn't seem to be, I've watched one episode so far, but also he seems to manage to do all kinds of things that actually a person's suffering from the haemorrhoids would definitely not be able to do with ease. So apart from anything else, at one point, he kind of, he sits up on his kitchen counter to have a... Does he just spring up onto it?

To have a chat with his wife. And he think, well, I'm worried about your piles, mate. At what point is this going to... Could be pretty agile to even attempt that manoeuvre, to be honest. But when are we going to have that part of the plot resolved? I mean, you can't start off with piles so bad that they're interfering in your daily work activities. James Bond never had that.

this troubled. I thought, is this product placement? I think it has to be, but it's very unusual. It was unusual. It was very unusual. It was just weird. Okay, that was really weird. I mean, I was, while you were enjoying that,

I was watching Lord of the Flies. I watched the first episode of what's been highly acclaimed. All the critics have said this as an astonishing piece of television, and indeed it did seem very accomplished. But I didn't like the book. I was made to read it at school and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to finish this. It's just so bloody bleak.

And at the moment, I don't think we need it in our lives. But what I would say is that the young lad playing a part of the character called Piggy is astonishing. He's so good. He's a young lad from Northern Ireland and he's just absolutely amazing actor. So I'm sure he'll go on to achieve great things. But I know psychologists apparently have taken it apart.

The concept of Law the Flies, that is. And we were talking about this in the office earlier. Apparently people believe that you wouldn't descend into savagery in those situations. That actually humans are a bit better than that and that we try to cooperate. And that's it. For people who don't know the story of Lord of the Flyers, it's a group of schoolboys on a deserted island. It's not really explained why they're there.

It's loosely post-apocalyptic, I think, but it's never really acknowledged. But isn't that interesting because we've wanted to believe the story, haven't we? Because it's just quoted so often as what would happen if you took away. adults and enough kids to their own devices. It's a trope that has definitely maintained its position, even if there is a lack of evidence for it being true. So that's interesting. Well, it does sound a little bit bleak.

And, you know, as we said about the night manager, there's so much else going on at the moment. I think you do, and I'm yearning for drama that has a resolution. It doesn't need to be patsy, but that's what I'm wanting to find. So who knows? Maybe, you know, maybe there'll be a revamp of Juliette Bravo. And it would be lovely, wouldn't it, if she had some caniston. The itch cream.

I'm so weird. I'd love your thoughts about it. Can I just say hello to Melanie, who's desperate for us to get really involved with our high critical faculties on in Chateau DIY? So this is the replacement to Winning a Bernard. and breakfast in France. It's a people's chance to win a chateau. Because they're ten a penny across France, aren't they?

Well, I think they are quite, they're cheaper than here. Yeah, well, no, they are. Can I ask, why are there so many in France? Did they have more aristocratic figures? I know it's a bigger country than us. I mean, geographically much bigger, but did they have a sort of, do they have more of the sort of aristocratic class

who could afford to build one of these things? Because they seem to be everywhere. It's a good question, but I wonder whether it would directly correlate to our big farmhouses and manor houses. Rather than our stately homes. The Chateau was the person who owned the land. Right. And, I mean, France is big. It's bigger than us.

How dare they be bigger. Well, they are bigger than us. We just have to accept it. But I don't know. That would be a good question. Somebody must have done a PhD on that. Just let us know. It's Jane and Fee at Times dot Radio.

But I would also be interested in hearing from people who are watching, I think it's 12 couples struggle their way. through DIY challenges in order to win the chateau. It's not holding my attention as much as the winner bed and breakfast. And I don't know whether it's just... I think the joy of the winner, the bed and breakfast thing, was the fact that all of these couples, they were really challenged by having to serve their guests.

It was quite funny to watch them sometimes. And do you have to serve a hot breakfast? Or can you just offer... Oh no, they were serving hot breakfast was essential. You had to. Yes, there was a lot of discussion of breakfasts in that program. but the Chateau DIY thing I mean it's probably because I'm just not that into DIY

so whether or not they've done the right thing with their spirit level I'm not quite so into but other people might be it's a beautiful building that they will win whereabouts in France is? No idea thank you Andy says

listening to Wednesday's podcast in the car I needed to turn the volume down briefly so I could concentrate at a busy junction well I mean that's sensible Andy can I just say thank you rejoining the conversation the very first words I heard were Fee's reference to my late ex-mother-in-law. I was baffled as to how an innocent discussion about butter dishes

could have possibly veered off suddenly into such a niche and kinky tangent. At such a niche and kinky tangent. Andy, please. I soon realised, of course, that Fee was in fact reading an email from a listener who'd mentioned her late ex-mother-in-law. Buck-up, Fee, though, such careless articulation would surely never have passed muster back at the bebe. Well, actually

You wait until Mike Pence is back in the news I think there was something about the Hampshire pronunciation of Mike Pence that didn't really work for a lot of people It came out as my pants God, I'd forgotten about Mike Pence How could you forget about my pants?

He emerged, of course, as a heroic figure didn't he in the end? We were slightly taking the piss out of him but, you know, absolutely should not have done. Anonymous says I'm part of an all-ladies quiz team at our local village pub. We've been quite successful

and this month we won for the third consecutive month. You can see what's coming here. A gentleman from another team whilst angrily putting his coat on at the end of the evening snarled at us. You're the reason

no one comes to this quiz because you always win! Quite took our breath away, says Anonymous. Can't wait now to play the Christmas the February quiz, not Christmas, but God Almighty. Can't wait now to play the February quiz. but of course he won't be there.

Would he have challenged an all-male team, we wondered. Well, no, of course he wouldn't, anonymous. No, because he's a sad old scroat who can't bear being beaten by a team of women. But can I say, in every pub quiz I've ever done, and I do like a quiz, there is always that team that you know is going to win because they always win. So maybe you just couldn't take it anymore.

You don't know what I mean. There are always those people, you know. They definitely are. And I think the pub quiz It just has slightly been ruined by technology, hasn't it? Well, surely. People are nipping off for... Oh, they won't.

Would you really do that in a pub? Oh, Jane. I mean, there was a terrible incident, wasn't there, of a team who got properly out of because they were cheating their way all the way through? And they'd really bragged about how bloody brilliant they were and, you know, whatever. But they were sneaking off and having a quick Google search in the urinals.

Oh, I just think that's such bad form. Yeah, and they were men. I'm so sorry. Don't be sorry Fourth of Feb This is re-incoming from Claire Who says I'll always remember the fourth of Feb As after your fab evening at the Barbican

The Southwestern 1030 train Mucked us about We finally got home to Portsmouth at 2pm Oh God No this is terrible The following day I was so zumbified With lack of sleep I tripped on the pavement and broke my elbow

Oh I'm so sorry That's awful you should have said earlier Because we would have sent you things We would wouldn't we Yeah Yeah, we definitely would. A gliss, gliss? Yeah.

I'll tell you what, there's still some stuff available from our cancelled pre-Christmas show, isn't I? I was thinking about that the other day. Why? Well, because we'd ordered costumes, don't go there. And I'd done a whole bag of rat presents. They were wrapped from my gifting box. And the gifting box, I mean, it had some terrible stuff in it.

We don't want to waste any of this. Kind of ten years ago, which I just wrapped up. And it was quite funny. Should I keep it? Okay, keep it because you know, you never know. This is just, this is serious. I'm going to say something serious. Because I wanted to mention this astonishing documentary,

which I did watch and because other people had suggested that it was something that people should know about. And Angie in Chelmsford has emailed to say, have you heard of a BBC documentary? It's on the iPlay now. It's called I'm Not Okay. And it's about, well, it is an incredibly difficult watch. It's about parents living with their children who are autistic and are violent.

And it is so, so challenging to watch as a viewer and to become in any way a small part of this daily struggle for some incredibly devoted parents. It's filmed in Northern Ireland where there's a real problem at the moment with a lack of respite care for parents. So just to say, Angie, I have seen it. and we are thinking maybe of doing a conversation or having a conversation about it at some point in the next couple of weeks. So thank you for drawing further attention to it.

She says, I was once part of this, well she describes it as a terrible hidden world with my own son. But we embraced residential special school for him and then residential care. And I'm happy to say he's now a very calm 37-year-old. These poor heroic parents need help to understand that their social care. sons just don't recognise home as a domestic idyll. Sometimes they settle better into an environment that is less intense. I was able to enjoy quality time with my son every week and I still do whilst getting the benefit of expert involvement. But I know funding is so much harder to get now. I mean too right by the look of this documentary, Angie, but thank you so much for just reminding me

to mention that programme because, you know, really tough but really important stuff. And to those parents who are trying to battle their way through this system, I just wish you the very best. It's so hard. Well, worth mentioning once we do get a guest, because people might want to watch that before they hear the guest. Likewise, anything that you're seeing out in your lives that you think would be interested in, you know, within reason, do you get in touch because some of our best guests have come through recommendations and they're superb.

And we are going to look into the funding of children's homes, the profit. pool funding. Profiteering is almost a word that slipped out of my mouth of children's homes. We've had our attention drawn to that and we're going to find the right guest on that. So thank you very much indeed. And that is something, as our email actually mentioned, that Anne Cleaves has written about it. Yeah, in her latest book, the, you want to say the standing stones. Yes, I think it is.

Yeah, I think it's the standing stones. The dark wives. The dark wives. Almost the standing stones. Well, they were standing stones, but they were called the dark wives. We were both right. leapt in there. Are you any way through a town like Alice by Neville Schult?

No. Okay, gosh, I cannot wait to discuss this. I cannot wait to discuss it. There is so much that I completely and utterly not cottoned onto the first time round. Ah, okay, this is going to be interesting then. This is our book club pick, by the way. So it was such a good recommendation for a reread, because I remember when I first read it, thinking it was just the most glorious sweeping love story.

And I mean, it is a sweeping love story. Some of the detail in it, though, I've really had to put the book down and just go, okay, I'm just going to come back to that in a moment. So I don't know whether other people have experienced that. It's not all the way through. It's a book of its time. By a man of his time.

Yes, and it's just so telling because he's clearly a really compassionate, empathetic writer. He writes women characters really well, Jean has written really, really well. Some of the stuff, though, that he's just writing about what's there in Australian society at the time. I don't feel that he's writing for progress, and that's an interesting conversation to have in and of itself. So really do get your thoughts coming in if you are experiencing the same kind of blimey. Be good to chat this one through thought process.

We'll probably got another three, four weeks before. we'll do that. Let's say just before Easter. Just before Easter. And Easter this year falls on April the... I think it's the fourth or the fifth. It's quite early. Yeah, it's quite early.

Once again, I'm as ever utterly baffled by the timing of Easter. Something to do with moons, tides, and it differs every year. Yeah, I don't... It'd be helpful if it stayed the same, but I know that that's probably offensive as well to somebody. Probably.

Yeah. And we, as you know, dance away from a fence. Well, we dance away, but we still manage to call it. It's confusing in the supermarkets, isn't it? Because there's a whole row of the chocolate that we need on Valentine's Day. Because nothing says, I love you, more than an exacerbated cavity. So there's all of that.

And then next door to it creeping in are the early bird bunnies. The early bird bunnies have been there since the boxy day, the 27th. Maybe I saw my first early bird bunny. I think this should just be kind of like in the middle of a Venn diagram. There should just be a heart-shaped bunny chocolate thing that you could buy and you could just eat it from both ends. You could begin it off the time's day. You could finish it by Easter.

Give yourself a bit of cardiac trouble and probably trouble with your digestion as well. Go for it. Joe says, I am compelled to write regarding the lady who couldn't open her electric toothbrush. I'm really intrigued by Joe's profession. She's a maternity nurse supporting new parents with babies. I mean, that's a very interesting thing to do. I work as a live-in, she says, covering 24 hours. Now, as I'm working six out of seven days,

I just couldn't be bothered to go home for my 24 hours off this week. So I thought I'd hot foot it over to Westfield, Stratford. Now, Westfield is a ginormous shopping centre near the former Olympic Park in Stratford. Book myself into a Premier Inn, top up the toiletries, and start exfoliating, shaving, and removing winter-neglected dry skin and hair, with a plan to slather myself in copious amounts of cream for various parts of the body.

It's in its own way, it's quite an erotic plan that Joe actually had for herself over there in the Premier Inn Stratford. Armed with newly purchased products, I then had to fight my way through a plethora of plastic and vacuum seals. Three broken nails later, I was finally able to start indulging myself. thankfully I booked a plus room that's with a coffee pod machine and speedy Wi-Fi. So I had a proper teaspoon to use to help poke and rip at the packaging. Now that's a good tip, isn't it?

So if you're at the Premier Inn, make sure you go plus. Had I booked a standard room, it would have been a wooden coffee stirer. They don't take prisoners at the Premier Inn, do they? I tell you what. I mean, I know they offer great value and the beds are comfortable. Finally, I'm sitting on my bed covered in my potions and lotions and enjoying me time

armed with a waitrose meal deal and Ben's cookies. This is a dream weekend. It's not bad at all. That's not bad. Once she got through the packaging, she's just going for it. Nearly 60, failing eyes,

frustrated with packets. Never underestimate the power of a metal teaspoon. Says Joe. Joe, thank you. She says, thanks for keeping me laughing at night. Well, Joe, thank you for taking part in this and we are both with you. in your incredibly erotic-sounding, indulgent break in that Premier Inn.

I think that the Premier Inn and other like-minded hotel chains, they're missing a marketing opportunity, aren't they, for a depolation weekend? Because that sounds fun. Well, I do love this about capitalism. It's this whole notion of a plus room, which comes complete with a coffee pod machine, speedy Wi-Fi. a speedy border and a proper teaspoon. Yeah. All of fun.

We've talked about speedy borders a lot in the past, but never really talked at length about speedy Wi-Fi, but it is a little extra luxury, isn't it? That's so harsh on just the standard room, isn't it? Which has still got the very clunky Wi-Fi. That must be so frustrating. Wi-Fi that works at a speed of its own choosing. Yeah, back in 1999.

God. Is that thing you had to dial it up? Yes, the modem. Let's look at Eve. Any memory of that? No, did you recognise that noise? Oh, that's strange. No.

No, no, no. No, it had to connect to many, many ethers in different galaxies, and then it came back, and by the time the page had loaded, you didn't want whatever it was that you were trying to buy. It's just gone on and on. The life of the 24-hour living maternity nurse, must be very, very interesting indeed. I mean, I wonder, Joe, if you could spill some of your beans,

obviously not all of them. Yeah. But it is quite a thing to do for the harassed couple. And but also, I mean, it's an incredible luxury if you've got someone who's in that role in your household. Yes, I think that there are all kinds of reasons that people have maternity nurses. And, you know, if that's what you feel you need,

I wouldn't judge you for spending your money. I think that's money spent very wisely. But you must be dealing, because you're dealing with so much kind of, you know, shock from different parts of the family and a tiny wee baba as well. So I think we'd like some more information.

But it's interesting that her work schedule in that role, it is so intense, isn't it, that you just get that 24 hours off. And why not actually go to a reasonably priced hotel and just lie there in comfort but no, you don't have to worry about any of your domestics. My youngest daughter did have a function in the house at the weekend, and I was away, and I came back.

The mop came out within. I tried to keep my temper, and I did, actually. But she said she cleaned up, but fee, she hadn't. No. She hadn't cleaned up to the older woman's eye. Yeah. Well, I think there's a grading scale, isn't there, on teenage parties and young people's parties,

which I think is best expressed through how many mops of the floor it takes. There was chocolate cat. There was just bits of, I mean, chocolate cake. She's not seven, by the way. She's, you know, 20s. It was just sort of between the tiles on the kitchen floor, just gobbets of cake.

Why would I not have noticed that? I know I'm relatively short-sighted, but come on. Well, it sounds like a great party. disinfectant was out. Was it? Yes. Oh, that's nice to know. Very nice to know.

I might change fragrance, actually, next week. What would you go? Three fragrances to choose from. I think there's something with orange blossom in. I'm feeling in need of that. Very springtime. If only, if only, if only. This has been an email special.

No guest. You're thinking, thank God. Enough, women. Enough. I've got to go. I've got a life, even if you two haven't. Jane and Fiatimesopradios at email address. Let's bring Eve in to outline who the guests are in

rest of the week because we've got some good ones. Here she is. I know she's a favourite amongst many of you. Tomorrow we have Lisa McGee who is the writer and creator of Derry Girls. She's got a new TV show out. Wednesday is Zach Goldsmith, talking

to Fee about becoming a sculptor. I'm looking forward to that fee. Can I just say he's become a sculptor, something that he discovered that he could do in lockdown? Well, maybe we could. He sold his pieces for half a million pounds. It wasn't half a million, was it?

He's made half a million pounds from his sculptures. Well, he needs the money. I think he's going to tell you that he's been donating some of his proceeds. No, that's great. I mean, that's absolutely terrific. All hail to you, but it's just a lot of money to make in a kind of third career. I mean, I don't think my only fans is going to prove that profitable. Who's buying?

Who's buying? Well, look, that's irrelevant. It is a question. And Thursday, it's Jenny Godfrey, who wrote, The list of suspicious things, who has been on the pop before, she's got a new book out of the... And I've just finished... I've just finished that and it's great. I'm saving that because Jane's going to do the interview. I really, really love the list of suspicious things.

So I confess that I've been very selfish and I'm not going to read the barbecue at number nine until I can read it just for five. I know, well, you'll enjoy it. It's set on Live Aid Day, which I think will bring back memories to all of us who remember exactly what they did. I was at David Thompson's barbecue. I do not remember. No, thank you. Well, you weren't alive, were you? So in all fairness, if you claimed to remember, you would be lying.

What did you do? I was at a school friend barbecue over in Farnham, which if you lived in Winchester, was exotic. Oh, you see what, cross borders? Yeah. Great. Still in Hampshire. Bonnets on.

Oh, you were still in Hampshire. I thought Farnham was in Kansas. It's in Surrey. It's in Surrey. It's in Surrey. Hampshire border. Yeah. And that's the bad land.

isn't it? County lines. In our own way, we were. Right, that is quite enough. That's quite enough. We are Jane and Fee at Times.orgia. If you'd like to drop us an email, we always love to hear from you. And guests are plenty this week. Yes. We don't have to agree with us. It just helps if you do. Congratulations. You've staggered somehow to the end of another off-air with Jane and Fee.

Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale. And if you listen to this, you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online, on DAB, or on the free Times Radio app. Offair is produced by Eve Salisbury, and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.