Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Meat on the loose!

Episode Date: May 10, 2024

In this email special, Jane and Fi tackle a wide range of issues that you've sent in. They chat niche childhood phobias, sibling jostling and immersion heaters. You can book your tickets to see Jane and Fi live at the new Crossed Wires festival here: https://www.sheffieldtheatres.co.uk/book/instance/663601If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] Follow us on Instagram! @janeandfiAssistant Producer: Eve SalusburyTimes Radio Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Yeah, you can get a tough chickpea. You can, but you don't want to smash that down because then that's something... That's hummus. It's hummus, isn't it? VoiceOver describes what's happening on your iPhone screen. VoiceOver on. Settings. So you can navigate it just by listening.

Books. Contacts. Calendar. Double tap to open. Breakfast with Anna from 10 to 11. And get on with your day. Accessibility. There's more to iPhone. I always think consummate is quite damning. Consummate, yeah. He's a consummate broadcaster. Kind of means you're not really good at anything.

You could be just about muddled through everything. Make a fist of it. Because it's one of those adjectives, isn't it? You would never, ever describe a friend or someone you'd just met. You know, oh, what's Patricia like? Oh, yes, she's consummate. A consummate what, though?

Yeah, it's a bit strange. Could we just clear something up, Jane? Has this started? Okay, right. This is an email special. Can I just get something out of the way? It's like we're on different planets, isn't it? You get it out of the way? It's like we're on different planets, isn't it? You get it out of the way, go on.

Well, because quite a few people have referred to this and this particular complaint forward slash whatever comes from Arwen Banning who says, at the end of every podcast, he laughs at the idea of a woman running a bank. Oh, this is a long-running saga, this, isn't it? Yeah. And I always tell the radio, my friend is the CEO at the Bank of a woman running a bank. Oh, this is a long-running saga, this, isn't it? Yeah. And I always tell the radio,

my friend is the CEO at the Bank of Montreal. Good Lord. UK PLC based in Dublin. Oh, based in Dublin, are we? Are there tax advantages? A very tax-efficient bank, that is. She's a keen listener to your podcast and no doubt tells the radio

that she runs a bank at the end of every episode too. Her name is Jane Anne Negge and she went to the same comprehensive school as me in swansea that's not all the person who created starling bank is also from swansea and she went to a comprehensive school here too in fact my mum taught her for a short time so there you go two women who run banks so oh and you are by far not the only person who has noted that, but it is a joke. It is meant as an ironic kind of eyebrow-raising because in times past it would have been unheard of

for a woman to run a bank or be a bank manager, basically because you weren't allowed to do anything as a woman. You couldn't have a checkbook, you couldn't have a mortgage, you couldn't have a credit card. So you certainly wouldn't be able to do anything other than very, very quickly finger through some £1 notes as a bank teller wearing a plastic thimble, which is a job that I always really wanted to do.

Oh, yeah. Well, it wasn't as glamorous to me as a bus conductress. They were the people I really, really wanted to ape. But we take the point, but to echo my colleague there, it was intended as a are we sometimes too clever for our own good i think it's just it was just meant as a kind of nod to the the vagaries of our equal past which were very vague indeed but it's fantastic that women can now run banks and i want to move off the subject before i say it because it makes people annoyed again disappearing down a rather smelly snicket. If it was one of those back alleys, it would smell faintly of urine.

So we're going to move on. Let's come into the light, Jane. Let's come into the light and bring in Catherine, who has a confession about an act of aggression she carried out. And I think we've been talking a little bit about observing fights and how horrible it can be when you do see this but this is a slightly lighter note from Catherine who's written a long email about men on wheels getting on her wick frankly whether they're skateboards or on e-scooters or scrambling bikes

whatever it is they basically get on her get on her wick but she does add this fantastic p.s. I threw a block of Wensleydale cheese in the direction of a man who wasn't on wheels for a change in a branch of Lidl during one of the lockdowns. Now in my defence, says Catherine, it was a stressful time and we were supposed to be observing the two metre rule but he was hovering far too close to my other half who was perusing the loose meats. There's plenty more incidents of me publicly losing my rag, but I've got to go now, she says.

OK. I'm sorry to hear that you did that, Catherine, but you only threw the block in the direction of this irritating man. There's no... You don't say that you hit him. No. And it's not a can of beans, is it? It's not a can of beans. Although Wensleydale is a quite substantial cheese. I don't know, it's a crumbly cheese, Jane. Oh, would it crumble on impact? It wouldn't break up.

In that case, Catherine, you're forgiven. It's a shame your aim's not a bit better, love. But I think we were all very close to the edge at various points during that time, weren't we? Yeah, and it did become incredibly difficult, didn't it, to deal with people who were flouting the rules. And especially if you saw someone who was doing it very deliberately, that used to really make my blood boil. Oh, well, there were some people who really, they took pride in their maverick approach to the rules, didn't they?

And yes, that would also incense me. So I think, Catherine, you've told us about that. We've heard your confessional and no more. We absolve you. We do totally absolve you. And as Fi points out, it could have been a much tougher cheese. But what about a loose meat? How are you defining a loose meat? I don't know.

I think her other half was looking at, well, she says perusing the loose meat. I don't know. I think her other half was looking at, well, she says perusing the loose meats. Are we talking those spicy things from Spain? So the things that are sliced? Yeah, sliced, but they are packeted, but on the loose in their packet. Who knows? Anyway, when we hear things like that actually just reading that ps it did make me tense it brought back that weird time which is still quite close in our sort of muscle memory but now seems so far away we have forgotten about two meter rules in little and groups of five groups

of three curfews yeah once a day exercising really strange so i think our generation will come back to it in our dotage won't we we i don't think we're really going to investigate it until then obviously lots of other people have much more serious memories involving loss and hardship but i think if you kind of got through the pandemic we've parked it haven haven't we, in a very dark place in the car park. We're just leaving it there. I can't remember what I did every day. So we were in the house, me and the kids, and all of the pets.

So many pets. Barbara disgraced herself this morning. I know. Not again. Oh, dear. This is not going well. No, it's not going well, actually. Yeah, it's not going well.

If you see Barbara being put up for adoption in the next... Well, she's very attractive. Somebody would have her, wouldn't they? Yeah, so somebody would really, really fall for her in the same way that we all did. Although I looked past the floof-maloof of her and I looked straight into her eyes and I knew she was going to be trouble.

And so it's proved. Can I just add a wildlife note and somebody will be able to respond to this. Snails are everywhere at the moment. They certainly are why is that i don't know we don't know and i am finding and this is very very sad but i go out onto the easy grass often to peg out some washing on a lovely sunny day although the sun appears to have disappeared now and i and then i hear that crunch yeah the underfoot crunch of a now deceased snail. So presumed it's to do with the temperature, isn't it? Well, it must be,

because the only thing that's really changed is the temperature and it's not solidly raining every day. So not at the moment. It will be next week, don't worry. It's snail and slug season. Yes, it clearly is. But I think I'm doing the right thing in picking them up from the artificial grass

and then placing them onto a leaf or something like that. Is that theest thing to do i think so you don't know i'm looking at you as though you might know but somebody listening will well they will definitely they they will definitely be frustrated on the artificial grass won't they because they are creatures of nature not of plastic can't get any purchase on the car at all no no no yeah it's it makes me sad when i see them now i'm going to read this out and you might think, oh, no, what's she gone and done that for? As, you know, the email inbox fills up.

But this one is anonymous. Longtime male listener here, a minority I know. Well, we don't know that. We don't know that. We know that a lot of men are listening. And non-binary folk. Yeah, everyone is welcome. Some of them are listening for pleasure. Some of them are listening. And non-binary folk. Everyone is welcome. Some of them are listening for pleasure,

some of them are listening to get annoyed with us. It's been interesting to hear you talk. But by the way, more the merrier, because we're happy either way, aren't we? It can be as irritating as you like. Yeah, it's all clickbait to us. It's all fun for us. That's what Gwyneth Paltrow says, isn't it?

Yeah, she's right. It's been interesting to hear your talk on open relationships and perhaps the heterosexual view on the subject in stark contrast to gay relationships where many long-term couples are freely open or often invite others into the bedroom for fun and fun only without it interfering with the love and relationships we have with our partners, myself included.

It's a shame that, and it might just be my view of heterosexual relationships having to follow a stereotype, and I'm very pleased to be gay, where we have a much more relaxed rulebook to follow and can make up our own rules as we go along without having to conform to the society norm. Just thought you might like to hear another point of view. Love the show, and secondhand jane is

fab we'll pass that second but we are not calling mulkerins secondhand jane so look and i mean that is that from it's anonymous okay and it's stating a point that uh you know that has often been made before and it gets made quite a lot but on reading it um i did just think i'd just like to know a bit more why and are we all heading in that direction as heterosexuals where we've got something to learn from the gay community but i've never really understood that assumption that a gay relationship can have multiple partners for bedroom fun without having the same kind of impact as it might do within a heterosexual relationship, and I don't know why, Jane.

That's all I'm saying. It can't always be true, I think. No, of course not. Interesting. Let's just throw it open. Yeah. I think our correspondent throws it open quite regularly from the sound of things. Oh, lady.

She's on fire! Well, not really. Jane and Fee at Times.Radio. But I tell you, I'll have a punt at trying to not answer that, but we all know that female sexuality is always judged and a woman can become a slapper very, very quickly or be seen by others as a slapper. There are still very few male slappers. So if you've got two men in a relationship

who are happy to explore other sexual possibilities, who is there to judge? Yeah. Pretty much nobody. Is that one part? Yes, I take your point. Yeah, I can see that. I can see that.

But I wonder whether there's also, there is something, isn't there, about the female libido not being recognised as being similar to the male libido. I think we know that for a fact. Up until very recently, Fiat, it didn't exist at all. It didn't, no. It was only discovered, we think, in about 19... I think it was sanctioned shortly after the checkbook.

I'm not sure. Was it around the same time as you could get a mortgage without asking for your father's permission? Or your husband's or whoever it was. And now we have got an email about masturbation. Oh, yes. And this is from Tim. I am a long...

I love the way he describes himself here. I am a time-served fan of your many podcasts, he says, slightly wearily. It just sounds like you've been really worn down. Come on, Tim. I even listened pre-COVID. Oh, good Lord. Can I just say to people, just in case you think this is just going to be too much,

I've got a very nice piece about kitchen utensils coming up. No, no, this is very, very short and very simple. It is about masturbation. Right. It's from Tim. And he's actually sending us a letter he saw in The Times a couple of months ago. I thought it might appeal to your listeners, he says.

The item speaks for itself and all credit to the woman in question for drawing attention to her singular pleasure. And this letter in The Times is headlined Singular Pleasures. It's from a lady in torquay and she says further to your coverage of sex and age i'm in my mid-70s and i'm rampant i have sex several times a week unfortunately no one else is there well i mean she's got her first

name's jennifer uh and good for her uh so say all of us and tim thank you for drawing us that are that drawing that to our attention and that is what do they call talkie the uh the something Devon is it the Riviera the I don't know call it something else now I've never been haven't you no I don't think I have well we just always went to Scotland and it was a no masturbation there you're a had your tea? Tim, thank you very much. Now, back to Fiona. If you're listening in Scotland, I'm so, so sorry.

I'm just really, really sorry. Sue is partial to a kitchen gadget. That's in no way linked with the previous conversation. It's totally different. No, it's really not. So we have heard from Sue before because she was on holiday. Do you remember?

She was on holiday in Spain and she had purchased a microplane nutmeg grater, four bag closure clips and a small green funnel. And she was considering a jar opener with silicon gripper pads. But I just really... I'm going to take a photograph of her little collection, which she's very, very handy.

She put a tape measure down the bottom so we can see exactly how big or small these things are. And she went on, she emailed us again to say that she was making a somewhat impulsive investment in a rotating meat tenderiser. Oh, I know. And I'm just going to, just so you know, it'll be up on the Insta.

And I do love a kitchen gadget myself, and I think Jane does too. So if we can get something started, then I'd very much like to see some little pictures from people's kitchen drawers of the strangest thing you've got. Yeah, or if anyone's just prepared to share their terrible drawer, because we've all got one. Oh, gosh. An image of, you know, that drawer.

That one. That's full of yuck yeah two batteries several elastic bands with bits of guff sticking to them blue tack that that is all of blue tack that's great nor tacky exactly maybe some string uh or we've all got one of those what is a meat meat tenderiser? Well, I think it's this one here. No, but what does it do? Oh, so you're going to be bashing it across the... Bless you. Young people today.

Across a chicken breast in order to flatten it out to make it into an escalope. Maybe you're tenderising your steak so it can take a marinade better. I think you're breaking down the tough fibres. Oh, the tendons. Yes. God, it's enough to turn anyone vegetarian, isn't it, when you think about it?

I mean, certainly, I've encountered some aubergines that could do with a bit of tenderising too. Yeah, you can get a tough chickpea. You can, but you don't want to smash that down, because then that's something... That's hummus. Anyway, so we'll put this up and we'll see where we get.

Why do I call that draw the man draw? Does anyone else call it the man draw? Is it just because it's very, very messy? Fee, you've got into trouble before for keeping men in drawers. It was very awkward. She did serve a short sentence. And this is part of her

rehabilitation. I'm working with you. Community service. I'm learning a lot. Well, you probably are. I know, I am. And this is a very lovely email from Sue, and I wanted to mention it because it's by way of total contrast

to everything else we've talked about. It's something that's happening this weekend. I think it's an absolutely lovely thing for daughters, in this case, to do for their fathers. And Sue says, I hope you can give us a brief mention. There are some very significant 80th World War II anniversaries coming up in the next couple of weeks

we are the daughters of three veterans and we're members of the Monte Casino Society travelling to Italy this weekend coming up and into next week with a group of 40 others to mark the 80th anniversary of Monte Casino once we return the focus will shift to the 80th anniversary of Monte Cassino. Once we return, the focus will shift

to the 80th anniversary of D-Day and the Italian campaign will be somewhat forgotten. So you're absolutely right. I'm afraid my ignorance here was pretty colossal, but I did look it up and it was 1944, obviously the Battle of Monte Cassino. 55,000 Allied casualties in that battle. It was actually a series of four military operations by the Allies against the German forces in Italy. And you can just imagine, well, you can't actually, neither of us can imagine how dreadful that must have been for some of the people who were there at the time. But how lovely that you are still going out there and doing something about it. And as Sue says, the service of remembrance will be personal and poignant.

Our standard bearer will be there. There'll be a wreath laid and a bugler. And as members of the Monte Cassino Society go into the cemetery, they will decide then whom they would like to remember. They will photograph the headstone and have the details to hand when it comes to the role of honour and then the name of the person selected will be called out. So I just think... That's lovely.

It is lovely and it is... I'm afraid Sue is right. If you asked most of us what do you know about the Italian campaign in World War II, I'm afraid it would be pretty much nothing. Pretty much nothing. Very little indeed. So, Sue, I hope the trip goes well. And I know there are other women involved, all of whom are celebrating and commemorating

the sacrifices of their dads. And they are Helen and Leslie and Sue, who wrote the email. Well, that is lovely. Yeah, have a really... It's good time appropriate, but I hope the whole thing goes well. I think it's a really beautiful thing to be doing.

So that's so striking as well, isn't it, Jane? Because I wonder whether or not the families of those who've lost their loved ones in more recent conflicts are even able to make journeys back to where those usually young men and women have died. I mean, I'm thinking, you know, if you had lost your son or daughter or husband, brother or whatever, or wife in Iraq or Afghanistan, can you make a trip back there to feel closer to them? I know that there aren't. I doubt you can. In fact, I'm sure you can't. No.

I mean, I know that, you know, their bodies would have been repatriated. They would have been buried with a military ceremony here. But sometimes it's immensely comforting, isn't it, to go back to where somebody was last alive, actually. And I don't know whether you would be able to do that. You know the address, if you'd like to inform us more about that uh this one comes from please only use my first name not

even going to do that because it might still mean that you can be identified following on from my email a couple of days ago we moved to Vancouver Canada in 2002 this is about what you miss when you move abroad we'd always wanted to go to States, but I could never get a job there. But then my husband's cousin said he was moving to Vancouver from New York, so we went for a month to see if we liked it. We did, so we applied for visas and got it within six months, so sold up and went.

However, our daughters are all grown up now and I find it so boring here. I really miss all the things and places you can visit in England. I've got a long list on my phone that I add to when I think of them. And this is just a little selection. National Trust Houses, Winchester, Chichester, Highclere Castle, Afternoon Teas, Gorgeous Hotels, Bar Day, Sunday Pub Lunches, The New Forest, London, exclamation mark, close to Europe,

The Chelsea Flower Show, London again, three exclamation mark close to Europe the Chelsea Flower Show London again three exclamation marks Longleat etc Longleat yeah well that's where the postman

Pat Village was of course oh dear okay but there must be some wonderful wonderful things to do well

maybe you've done them and maybe you just have that hankering for your own 50 you need to go to London once don't you once is enough I thought that just have that hankering for your own 50. You need to go to London once, don't you? Once is enough.

I thought that just made me laugh out loud because also the idea that suddenly something would come to you and you'd actually have a list on your phone that weren't things that I really, really miss about my homeland and you add to it. And obviously London has come up quite a few times. I wonder whether anybody else has got a similar thing. We are going to do this one towards the end of the podcast,

but I'm just going to cross out the name of the person that will be... I'm going to anonymise that while you do your next couple of emails. All right. Well, we often talk about the challenges of parenthood, and indeed we had a lot of emails relatively recently about how difficult birth can be. But sometimes really good stuff happens, and I wanted to mention this from a listener who says my first baby was born via a planned home birth last summer and it was a wonderful experience we had a pool

the midwife came over as things really got going in the evening and my daughter was born in the water in the early hours of the morning. I know that positive birth stories are invaluable from my own experiences of preparing for birth, and I think there should be more mainstream discussion of this. I also thought I would find motherhood lonely and isolating, but so far it has been quite the opposite. I've made loads of friends, and I have a full schedule of social and baby events.

Even with the sleepless nights and the tough teething episodes, it has probably been one of the happiest periods of my life. In fact, the hardest thing now is the prospect of having to go back to work. While many in my workplace work compressed hours, my employer has suggested it will be tough around nursery pickups etc and they would want me to try compressed hours on a trial basis for a few months to see if I can cope with the longer days. So it sort of feels like I'll be returning on probation. I must admit, I haven't heard of this. Have you heard of it? Compressed hours?

Compressed hours, no. It's interesting and it sounds to me as though, I mean, our correspondent says, um it's interesting and it sounds to me as though i mean our correspondent says um before i went on maternity leave my male boss gave me feedback that i could look like i'm enjoying myself a bit more which was quite challenging while suffering pelvic girdle pain in the third trimester oh that's so painful that's is it really really painful yeah uh anyway she goes on to say so it feels like if i don't have a sunny disposition on my return to work it might not be a success oh god uh okay well that started off very positive and now we hear that actually your return to work might be a little

tricky um it is interesting that your male boss took issue with. Do you think there's an expectation that women are supposed to be really cheerful all the time, whereas maybe men, it's not, the pressure isn't, you don't have to look as though your quote's enjoying yourself at work? Yeah, I'm sure that exists. Yeah, it's funny though, isn't it? And I think the expression cheer up, love. Yeah, of course, yeah.

Is only directed at women, isn't it? Yeah. I think sour-faced or dour-faced men are often, you know, they're... Well, they're deep thinkers. Exactly, I was just about to say, they're lost in thought, aren't they? Oh, very much so, yes. In the process of their mind. Strong but silent.

If only they were. Well, to our anonymous correspondent, let us know how your return to work when it comes goes, but I must admit, compressed days or hours are new to me. Yeah. And also, I think that return to work is so, it's so difficult. You go back into a world that you knew, but I think you go back as a very different person. And it's not always a particularly easy thing to do. I think your mind is inevitably for the first couple of weeks,

months, even years with your baby. I think you can feel a little bit guilty if you actually just really enjoy going to work. There's all kinds of stuff that goes down. And you can't really talk about it that much at work because you're at work and you're not meant to so will you keep in touch with us but also how lovely to have had a blast of maternal joy oh brilliant as well yeah fantastic and so and there's there's so much to be said actually for just really

amplifying that message as well as the reality of how difficult it is because i know lots of women jane who really you know really loved and hated those early years of babyhood and childhood in equal measure and found both things sometimes quite hard to express and certainly one of the loveliest things i found was just meeting completely different people who have remained and always will remain some of my closest friends i met a different type of woman actually no don't look at me like that i don't know what to say a different type of no i did though i did i think lots of people do because you just you you start to exist in a completely different environment with people that you just would never have otherwise met so and they are absolutely lovely.

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Breakfast with Anna from 10 to 11. And get on with your day. Accessibility. There's more to iPhone. This one is from Stephanie. Listening to yesterday's podcast and the mention of Persil and Ajax, both of which figured larger my childhood, jogged a memory of another product, Vim.

Do you remember Vim? I do remember Vim. Vim scouring powder, which Mum used to scrub the bath. Mum was a typical Tupperware queen and decanted everything possible into suitable containers. Now look, this is a little bit like the guy who's mending his own conservatory at the beginning of Casualty. We know something's going to go wrong, Jane. Don't do it.

It led to an unfortunate bath time incident for seven-year-old me. Post-bath, I towel dried and then sprinkled myself liberally from the tupperware container of talcum powder except of course i'd picked up the bim i was in big trouble and wait for this bit because the immersion heater had to go back on so i could dunk myself and remove the scratchy powder oh yeah well uh putting the immersion on was a it had to be you had to go through weeks of negotiation can I put the immersion on? yeah this will some of our audience

just simply won't understand what that is but I have an immersion do you have one now? it's for you just in case everything goes belly up yes I do

I've got an emergency tank there we are you're absolutely right yeah yes join us here in paradise this is from Gail I love I'm just going to do more of these i love the podcast i always listen on my dog walks and i often laugh out loud i know a lot of people

are listening on dog walks uh which sometimes worries me because it makes me think that we might be talking at the same time as somebody has just put their hand inside one of those tiny poo bags and they're just putting it around lifting up a warm one exactly and that makes me feel a bit sick but nevertheless you are welcome uh i am says gail mum to three girls 24 21 and 15 my husband and i started a building design company together over 30 years ago when we had the kids we made the decision and i happily agreed that i would take on the role of primary caregiver. Recently, during a conversation with my daughters, I was taken aback. They just simply didn't realise I'd worked at all when they were young.

It was surprising to me, but upon reflection, I understood why. Despite juggling countless responsibilities, ranging from dropping them off at school to picking them up, managing their schedules, tending to the puppy and keeping our business afloat, I was just mum to them. They simply didn't see behind the scenes and the total chaos I had to navigate between the hours of 08.45 and 2.45pm. Whilst I wouldn't trade those moments for anything, it did make me pause and consider if i should have been more vocal about my responsibilities i always believed i was setting a good example you can have a career in a family right but it seems my daughters didn't fully grasp the extent of my efforts i'm curious says gail how do you and your listeners managing manage sorry the balancing act of work and parenting. Gail is from Birkenhead, she says. Right, so...

Birkenhead Park, of course. How do you manage that? Do you draw attention to the fact that you work and therefore the other stuff that you do in the house is also work, but you've already worked? Yeah, I think I do now, yes. Because astonishingly, I i'm often almost always expected to provide a meal when i've also been out working when the children do work i mean the

student will be working in the summer she'll have to um she may not know that yet by the way but i'm does she listen i very much doubt it fiona yes yes she does there's no bigger fan of her mother's work um but yeah they will still i mean sometimes i say look i'm out you know i'm going out but it is interesting that it's naturally a role that falls to me i mean they've never bought a toilet roll in their lives ever unless they're away at uni i suppose what are they using yes because i'm not buying it um it's funny isn't it i might yeah it's what made me think actually gail um should we all make more of a song and dance about what we're expected to do or you see i sometimes take the

view that the domestic load might fall to my children because they're female. So whilst they're living at home, I'm prepared to take the slack. Okay, interesting. But that's a really stupid way of thinking, actually. Do you know what? Maybe, obviously I've got a boy and a girl, and I am so keen not to send out a man into the world who can't manage the domestic. I just think on every level, it's wrong. I don't want that to happen. So we have quite an open conversation about doing

the washing and loading a dishwasher and all of that kind of stuff. And I'm sure that I huff and puff quite a bit about working full-time now, but I didn't work full-time when the kids were young. And I did do that thing, which I think, you know, Gail is referring to as well, where I didn't, I never really wanted the kids to feel that I wasn't there for them. So I didn't really talk about my work. I didn't want them to think that there wasn't

somebody who was kind of there as backup and maybe that's had a greater impression on them than the later years now which are you know quite full of we're all on the same wheel at the moment actually because they're working very hard for their exams I'm coming to work they're working harder than me Jane I would accept that yeah but it's quite a nice routine. I think we all feel that we're doing stuff in the house and stuff outside the house. But I know it's a more conscious process with my son than my daughter, so I need to check in with myself about that. You see, I don't know how I'd have, would I have, you see, I suspect if I'd had two boys rather than two girls, I might be doing far less for them out of a desire to spread the word

that I wasn't some sort of servant. Yes. But I don't know, Gail. Oh, this is interesting. So, yes, we would love to hear thoughts about that. Honest thoughts as well, always hugely appreciated. Jackie says, I just listened to your podcast with a poor woman who had to leave with nothing.

So we were talking about the difference between divorce and cohabiting and the kind of collateral damage afterwards and Jackie says my partner and I drew up a living together agreement to protect ourselves and our children including who had contributed to what and what should happen with the house if we were to split up or one of us died. Thoroughly recommend. So is that a legal document that... It must be. Right, and it's called? A Living Together Agreement. Okay.

Yeah. So we're going to delve into this with an expert as well, because we've had quite a few very differing emails, actually. So we do need to make it... We need to get a bit more detailed, don't we? And it's different in Scotland. Yeah. And there must be all sorts of different rules in north america and our canadian listeners

will tell us what goes on i don't know what goes on there australia it's presumably all completely different um the degree of protection you get depending on your so-called marital status yeah anyway much more to deal with there much more to to explore. And thank you, by the way, for all the great emails about book suggestions for the next book club. Oh, yes, they look good. Yeah, they really do.

But that's not what this podcast is about. This listener has had another irritating encounter with a young man. She was standing at a pedestrian crossing waiting for the green light when she became aware that a young male of the species

was cycling on the pavement towards me. The place where I was standing was too narrow for him to get round me and I wasn't going to move so I stood my ground and pretended not to notice him. Well he drew up just a few feet away from me and addressed me very rudely saying oi granny. I ignored him completely and continued looking straight ahead across the road. He pulled closer, this time shouted, Oi Granny! I remained immobile for a few more seconds and then, summoning as much energy and volume as I could, I turned on him and I emitted the loudest and fiercest leonine roar I could muster. Is that the right pronunciation? Nice word. Thank you. Well, I don't know whether I can actually do justice to this, but it was basically like that. The poor lamb was so utterly shocked and petrified he fell off his bike, much to the hilarity of a couple of passing pedestrians who'd

witnessed the whole incident. I hasten to add the only injury sustained was to his pride. He really did look like a 24-carat prat. However, I doubtless need to seek absolution for my unholy glee as I have so far omitted to mention the fact that I am a Church of England vicar. Ooh-ah! I liked your roar. Did you? I did.

Yes, I wonder whether there might be a little sideline for me somewhere. No. This one comes from Sue. Hello, Sue from Denmark here. Hello, Sue from Denmark, our Danish correspondent. Just a speedy email to tell you two of my favourite comebacks when people are rude. As a tall woman who likes to wear heels, I used to get tired of small men saying, hey, what's the weather like up there?

So I would spit on them and say it's raining. In the 1980s, I worked on a huge American trading floor with approximately 2,000 men. The level of banter was off the scale, but if you could handle yourself, it could be hilarious. The best response I ever heard of was when a female employee was teased by one of the male traders. Oh, darling, I'd love to get in

your knickers she paused pulled her trouser waistband out a little pretended to look at her underwear and said oh sweetheart I think one arsehole in here is enough okay it still goes down as the best comeback ever and actually Sue says

I used a much ruder word but I'm not sure it's broadcastable. I don't know what that would be. Well, actually, no, we do. Oh, we're women of the world, aren't we? Yeah, already this email special would not be heard in Dubai. In my estimation, it was the best comeback ever. Hang on, is that true?

And thought it would give you a laugh. Yeah, explicit lyrics don't get through in certain countries. Okay. Yep. So that's why we're big in Canada. Big in the Commonwealth. It's a liberated country. But not as big as we'd like to be in Dubai.

No. Can we just say a huge thank you to Claire in Bristol who took the time to actually send us a card and write us a letter. And I'm glad that we keep you company. And I hope you're doing okay, actually. And I always think, and I'm pretty sure that the Garvey feels the same way, that you are never alone if you've got the radio and you've got podcasts. And it's kind of the whole point of it all, isn't it?

So I'm very glad that you've found us and I hope you can keep listening to us and stay well. And also thank you for the very thoughtful Lido card, which is beautiful. It's a beautiful card. I'm going to put it up on my desk in front of the picture of Barbara, who I don't want to look at today.

No, it does make me laugh that I said to Fi yesterday that everything we do, and we have some quite serious conversations in the office about the Middle East and how we should cover certain things. And the whole time, these very earnest conversations are going on, Barbara is glowering from her framed portrait. I mean, she's an incontinent fluffball. I mean, it's absolutely outrageous.

Anyway, but Claire, thank you for the card. And although emails are wonderful, there's something about a card in the post. Oh, it's lovely. It's just so thoughtful. It's really lovely. So thank you for the card. And although emails are wonderful, there's something about a card in the post. Oh, it's lovely. It's just so thoughtful. It's really lovely. So thank you very much. Right, we mentioned Paddington.

And this is from a listener who says, probably quite rarely, her 11-year-old daughter has got a phobia of Paddington. So I'm sorry about that. She was taken to the cinema to see the not-to-be-mentioned bear as a very little girl and was so frightened

that she curled up on her cousin's lap and shook herself into a kind of cataclysmic protective coma. Oh, my word. I know. So ever since she's developed a genuine phobia of Paddington, this can...

What's the matter, Eve? Eve's writing that down. It's too much for the snowflakes, this sort of thing. This makes walking through pretty much every London station mildly problematic, as they all seem to sell the bears at the newsagents. Well, you can't go to Hamley's either. Well, she can't go to the station in the West...

No. No, I mean, that would be completely... I wonder if there is a name for this phobia or if anybody else suffers from it. Well, I'm genuinely sorry to hear about that because it made me think about my first ever trip to the cinema was to see Fantasia. Do you remember that Disney film?

No, I don't. OK, well, it was incredibly unsuccessful because I ran out screaming because there was a scene involving some cartoon singing mops. It sounds idiotic. But I just ran, screaming for the exit, and didn't go to the cinema again for several years afterwards. So I'm very sorry for our correspondent's daughter,

and I just want to say I've been there, and it's no joke. No, OK. But you've got over that because actually you're... Well, I never... Well, you're happiest in a domestic shopping environment. I'm the proud owner of a mop, although I don't have a meat tenderiser. No.

Well, it's only a matter of time. Your 60th's coming up. I know what to get you now. Oh, God. Right, this is going to be the last email from me and I am not going to mention the name or too many identifying features here and it is just delightful. Back in 2000, this comes from Joanna, I appeared in an episode of a short

lived television programme. The idea of the programme was that a celebrity chef would arrive at the home of an ordinary person and with no forewarning at all would cleverly rustle up a delicious three-course meal using whatever he happened to find in the cupboards and fridge needless to say it wasn't spontaneous at all because i had to equip them well in advance with a full and detailed itemized list of what he would happen upon when he got there on the morning of the filming i waited slightly nervously looking out of the window for the camera crew and the chef to arrive at this point i didn't know which chef i'd get to be honest i hadn't heard of any of them up roll presenter plonker and i stood

observing him from a window he took out a can of hairspray and spent a surprising amount of time checking spraying and primping so it's not greg wallace isn't it he checked his coiffure in both the rear view and driver side wing mirror before heading on over to the front door to meet me after receiving a full guided tour of my store cupboard and fridge we prepared for filming. At the time we had a small rescue dog called Woody who had a bad eye problem and we were saving up for an operation. There was a large glass jar on the kitchen shelf with a label on it which read Woody's Eye Operation Fund.

Once filming started, presenter Plonker asked me about this jar and I was able to explain Woody's sorry story. On camera, he took £20 out of his wallet and dropped it into the jar. So kind and touching. Lovely. The morning progressed and together we spontaneously created a three-course

meal. Clever old him. My husband was called through to try out the lovely dishes and then off they all went. But here's the thing. Just before they all swept back out of the house, presenter Plomka swapped the £20 note for Woody's iFund for a fiver. No words.

No words. No words. Showbiz heart of gold. It's just too sad. It is. It's shattered. I hope Woody was alright. I do too. What an arsehole.

I think Fee mentioned earlier in the week, I think it might have been the morning after the ARIAs, the Radio Industry Awards the night before, that we had met some very lovely listeners at the function and rach and beck uh were the people we wanted to mention this is actually from rach who says could you please give beck a birthday shout out on air she'd be so chuffed she's a lovely sister who's raising my two small nephews her children really beautifully

as you've been saying in the program it is a privilege to be able to grow old and we get to have been alongside each other for the last 45 years we are so lucky we have a long-running discussion i'm correct and she's wrong about which twin is older because beck was born first says rach however in some cultures and i didn't know this the second born twin is considered the oldest now this is because according to um rach's email the older one is higher and deeper in the womb so must have been there longer so the first one born is actually younger and the second born is older so i think it's another win for me she says i spent I spent many years living in central Australia with Aboriginal communities. Me and Beck were separated by many miles for many years.

And because of the time difference, I was ahead of her by 12 hours for a total of 17 birthdays. To me, this totally means I am the oldest now. I'm not sure whether that's... I'm now terribly confused by all the maths here. But to Rach and to Beck, a very happy 45th. I would say you're nearing your peak, but you're not at it, are you, at 45? But I think that's very logical. The twin that's higher up has maybe been there for longer. Unless you've all twisted around during pregnancy.

I was going to say, in the birth process, there might be some jostling for position within the womb. It sounds like there's still a bit of jostling going on. Yeah. Well, we all know about sibling jostling. Yeah. It's the jostling that never ends. So, to you both, a very happy...

I think 45 is a great, great age, and I really mean that. I'm rather jealous of people who are 45. I had a terrible 45. Apart from when Fi was 45. My worst year ever. So if you're having a really terrible 45, then I'm with you. But if you're having a great 45,

you're with Jane. No, actually, I had a shit 45. I know exactly. Oh, it was, well, just forget that. Anyway, 46 is a really brilliant birthday.

I do remember exactly what. Anyway, right. Thank you very much for listening. Some of you have taken part and we're very grateful. Yeah, it's just such a fantastic thing. When we came to Times Radio and we started doing the podcast again, I think both Jane and I were a little bit uncertain about what would happen. And you have surpassed our expectations for your hive mind for your sense

of humor for all the topics that you embrace i just think it's fabulous so please don't stop no don't stop and sometimes we're completely wrong and often often often yeah and we we do read emails and we hear you okay so we're not booking neil ferguson again for a while but you did well so just to big you up uh Neil Ferguson again for a while. But you did well. So just to big you up, you have had lots of emails saying that you did put in the right challenges. Ish. Not easy.

But then, who is? We've got some great guests coming up next week. We've had some great guests this week. Janie Godley, Martin Freeman. Who else have we had this week? Oh, and we've got a really good one next week, a travel a traveller, a female traveller who I think people are going to really enjoy

hearing from and you know how intrepid I am yeah I'm going to enjoy hearing that too and next week we've got Elizabeth Hurley I tell you what right have a good couple of days and we'll see you next week she said, this is like a radio wink it's a podcast wink we'll see you next week, she said. This is like a radio wink.

It's a podcast wink. We'll see you next week. Good night. Ta-ra. Stay classy, Seattle. Well done for getting to the end of another episode of Off Air with Jane Garvey and Fee Glover. Our Times Radio producer is Rosie Cutler and the podcast executive producer is Henry Tribe.

And don't forget, there is even more of us every afternoon on Times Radio. It's Monday to Thursday, three till five. You can pop us on when you're pottering around the house or heading out in the car on the school run. Or running a bank. Thank you for joining us, and we hope you can join us again on Off Air very soon.

Don't be so silly. Running a bank? I know, ladies. A lady listener. I'm sorry. I'm