Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Mystic Garv is officially UNRELIABLE!

Episode Date: July 28, 2025

It’s a new week at Times Towers. In today’s episode, Jane reflects on giving grow-your-own mushrooms to former partners, while Fi shares creative ways to prevent baby foxes from wandering into the house.You can listen to the playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3qIjhtS9sprg864IXC96he?si=uOzz4UYZRc2nFOP8FV_1jg&pi=BGoacntaS_ukiIf you want to come and see us at Fringe by the Sea, you can buy tickets here: www.fringebythesea.com/fi-jane-and-judy-murray/And if you fancy sending us a postcard, the address is:Jane and FiTimes Radio, News UK1 London Bridge StreetLondonSE1 9GFIf you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] next book club pick has been announced! We’ll be reading Leonard and Hungry Paul by Rónán Hession.Follow us on Instagram! @janeandfiAssistant Producer: Hannah QuinnPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Have we spoken to a psychotherapist? I don't mean the two of us together. I mean, have we? It would be an idea, Jane. We've been sent some Grow Your Own Lions main, which is a mushroom. I think it may even be a cordyceps. And thank you for sending that to us. Rosie, our executive producer, is now going to be in charge of the box, which you just open and the mushrooms start growing themselves. And I've witnessed it before, that growing the mushroom out of a box thing, and it's really spooky.

I mean, I think you could actually, especially because there's nothing good on television at the moment, you could just sit in front of it of an evening, going, oh my god, look at that. Basking in the golden glow. Of an expanding shroom. Of your fungi. Yes, yeah. What a lovely thought. It is, isn't it?

Anyway, never mind all that. Why has your thought suddenly come from Barbie Gumbah? I don't know, I know exactly why. Because I got a mushroom growing kit for Christmas and I passed it on to my former husband. Anyway, that's... Yes, what? It was very loud. Yes, I was very loud. So what happened in England last night, we appreciate that listeners, particularly in Scotland, will have loved the events in Basalt last night, but what happened to all of us at about, what time was it when they actually scored the winning penalty? Well it would have been, so the game started at five, so seven, about seven, twelve minutes

past seven I'm going to say. Something like that, I can't remember, it was so stressful, it would be unbelievable, but at that very moment that Chloe Kelly kicked the ball into the back of the net, all our doorbells rang and we all went to the door and on the step was a gigantic football and it just said, I've come home. That's what happened. Sorry, I was just thinking, what's going on, is that a joke? It's literally what happened, Fee. It's a profound comment.

Absolutely. All of us had giant footballs on our step. Am I not facing the right direction, Hannah? Hannah is in charge. Oh, I have both mics. That's how it should be. So, oh, this is great. So now somebody has put a label on it that just says front. Okay, that's going gonna be very helpful. So it was obviously it was the right result at the end. Spain was probably better than us. Yeah I mean the first half was a little bit and I've just had that feeling of kind of oh oh shit. You know would it be better to actually you know

just give it to them yes do something productive with my time because it's going to be very painful to watch and we'll do the usual well we almost made it but then it just went again it just went wham-bam thank you ma'am just incredible no fantastic fantastic entertainment and actually your emails one email in particular I meant to have it at the top and for some reason it's disappeared and I do apologize, don't know if you've got it. Just from the email who says we need to acknowledge that this is a, I haven't been and I don't think you've ever been to a women's football tournament but I gather the atmosphere

is just properly great and that people have a genuinely good time, there's no jeopardy, there's no violence. I would love to know how many arrests there were during the course of the Women's Euros in Switzerland. I mean, I'm not going to say there weren't any, but I very much doubt there were very many. And we know that almost every men's tournament, it's not just that there are, well, there are arrests at every game and they're just kind of routine tawdry drunken antics. And organised violence. And organised violence, it's just miserable. You know back in the day where you know there was there was a proper wasn't there

there were several proper full-scale police inquiries into the organised violence at football matches, particularly with Chelsea and then some of the clubs around the East End of London town. And so you're right, you're right to say that it is a transformational experience really for loads and loads of especially young girls and how fantastic is that? No, it's brilliant. They don't even have to think about that. No, well why should they? They can just go and celebrate.

It's only sport but it's also, what is it they say about football? It's the most important of all the unimportant things. Yeah, more important than life. But can we also just acknowledge that there's just something really brilliant about the Lionesses, all that commitment, we had a gritty sporting endeavour and almost immediately swinging into let's just get blathered, come let's get on the bus. 100% I bet it was a great party last night. Yeah I bet it was. What would you have sung on the karaoke? On the karaoke I think a bit of Gloria Gaynor. Yeah yes yes yeah I think. A bit of Gloria and maybe... Do you know what the one thing that I wouldn't have sung and I really hope they didn't is Three Lions. That's referring to years of useless performances by the men. Yep, so I hope they just gave it a swerve. I tell you what, Mystic Garve

who's, you know, let's know she's been an unreliable. He's just never been right. Can we just call this what it is? It's like Boris Johnson's World King. I know what I am, Cassandra. She's just gonna make one brief. Because it's the Men's World Cup next year and I'm gonna say now that England's men are gonna finally do it and if anyone believes that no I've said it okay can I just ask you a footballing question the Beth Mead original penalty where she slid what apparently she's allowed for she kicked it twice but didn't she kick it twice because she's kicked it and then she slipped over? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, apparently that was it.

But I was so, I mean, obviously I was just glad that they won. But imagine how she would have felt if they hadn't because it was kind of like, well, she slipped. And you could see all the turf go under her. And you just thought, gosh, well, that's a groundsman's issue. Yes, quite. And it will have been a man. Well, you don't know that. Exactly. But wouldn't that have been awful?

Awful for her, but it didn't happen. No, but I didn't quite understand the... Because we did try and slow down the replay. To work out what had gone on. And it just seemed like she kicked it, and then the footer kind of followed through. I found watching the game just utter torture but I've watched the highlights since about 18 times. Now you know the result, it's just fantastic entertainment. So let's hope everybody behaves sensibly at the victory

parade tomorrow. Was it the England cricket team peed in the garden at Downing Street? Did they? They went and took a waz on the road. Well they're fellas aren't they? They went into a waz on the road. Well, they're fellas, aren't they? Yeah. Well, maybe it was to stop the foxes. So that's what's been highly, highly recommended. Ladies night last week, we were talking about the foxes in the street. And one of my lovely neighbours said that she'd obviously had the same fox problem because we're all on the same side of the street. And she'd been told by a comrade

at work to get some male wee on it and she was very, very sceptical about this but it has worked and that is probably why the foxes are not only in my garden but now in my house sauntered past us as we were sitting down watching television. You told me this last week. On Wednesday night, last Wednesday night. It made an appearance. Baby fox. A baby fox in the house.

No sign of fear. No, not at all. So I was watching TV with my daughter and we've got a room that doesn't have a door. So you know the TV. There's a lot of rooms like that in Fee's house. Slightly sinister but you know each to their own. Which goes up to upstairs, goes to the hallway and then upstairs. So she says.

I just saw the end of a tail which I didn't recognise from many, many pets. So I thought, oh, that's going to be some random cat, let's just get it out. Walked into the hallway, fox, in my hallway, crouching down, looking at me, going, I'm more terrified than you are, but what do we do here? What's the etiquette? So the problem was that I couldn't get past it to shoo it out back the way I had to come so I had to phone my lovely neighbour opposite Katie and say, Katie, could you come and bang really loudly on the front door whilst my daughter and I went and hid behind the sofa

so that the baby fox could run out the way it came. But you know, I'm laughing about it now, but we were properly terrified. Oh no, there is something weird when an outside animal appears in your house. Even a small bird can be really frightening if it gets in. Yeah, and I just thought, well actually if it became antagonized and bit one of us, we'd be in trouble wouldn't we? It'd be much more likely it would just do a poo which would be really horrible. Yes and really smelly. So anyway look enough of the Fox drama because we've been there before but I'm absolutely, I'm gonna try the I'm gonna try the male wee. So my poor son is under instructions to have a party

with his friends and don't come inside to use the toilet facilities. Just pee all over the garden. Just a quick final word on the football, the trophy is just really old isn't it? to use the toilet facilities. Just pee all over the garden. Just a quick final word on the football. The trophy is just really odd, isn't it? Oh, it's so stupid. It is really stupid. It doesn't look like... What is it supposed to be? Well, they've gone down the Mary, you know, the terrible statue, the Mary... Well, I can never say her name properly. Oh, poor lady. No, I mean, the least thing she needs is that we, the least she requires, the least she deserves, got there, is that we all know how to say her name.

Wollstonecraft. Wollstonecraft. And she was either the mother or the daughter of Mary Shelley. Yes, she's the daughter and a Kraken feminist. Yeah, oh both of them. And she, but she had this statue made of her which is in Newington Green by Maggie Hambling who I think is a remarkable artist. But it's the same thing, it's a kind of whooshing, a whooshing wavy type stuff and do you know what Jane, I like a cup. I was gonna say I wanted to see Arlie lifting up a proper jog-eared trophy. Then you can get one on each side, and then you can get one on each side. Exactly. I've lifted it and then you can drink your shampoos out of it when you're on the open

top bus. I don't know where the accents come from either. But yes, I'm with you. What do you do with that? I don't know. Well, it was actually a struggle to lift it and it's a struggle to display it. It's just crap. Yeah.

I mean, we didn't have to, in England, we'd never really had to bother with the design of trophies. It's not been an issue for us. But now it is. So do something about it, UEFA. Do something better. Get us a proper cup. Yeah. And also I like the idea on the cup that everybody's been engraved on it before. But will that happen? I did see a bit of engraving. Oh, did you? Yeah. They were doing an emergency England. And I and I thought well where is that on the trophy? Is that just at the bottom? I mean you wouldn't be able to...

It's hard to see where you could place it on that thing. No, I'm with you on that I think. I don't think that's right but that's the least of our worries. You know tomorrow we're going to have to be in work and we won't be able to go to the open top bus. Well let's just... Shall we do an OB from there? Yeah, let's either do that or just consistently drink Prosecco from 8am. Yeah, what a good idea. And it's in front of Buckingham Palace this time, isn't it? Notch Falger Square.

What's the significance of that? Well, it's the royal seal of approval, that is. I mean, they'll all be in beard oil, they'll be going great guns. I can't look at our future king now without thinking because he was there last night he was wearing a blue suit with a brown shoe. William, no. But I did think, oh I bet your beard's soft. Well indeed. Okay, so other matters. We do hope you've had a decent couple of days. Honestly, we are a bit giddy here because we're just not used to winning anything. So it is bizarrely thrilling when you find yourself in possession of even that trophy. So well done everyone involved. Now I just wanted to mention Gemma who is in, usually in

Cambridgeshire, but she emails us from Kos. She said she's taking her first divorced mum holiday. Kos? How did I say it? Kos, Kos. Is she in the shop or the Greek island? She's on the Greek island. Is she in a big changing room? I struggle a bit with Kos. It's not for us. Is it because of height?

It's for long slender, long limbed and slightly less chesty women. Because whatever I put on from Cos is just the wrong length. You know those oversized shirts? I just looked deranged. No, I know exactly what you mean. I look like I might be somebody confined to a hospital for very good reasons. Right, we're on the Greek island, of course. It is, she says, I have some thoughts about being a single mum on holiday and I wanted to share. This is Gemma.

This is by no means my first divorced mum holiday with my two daughters who are now 15 and very nearly 11. We're in Greece on a Greek island because as Jane says, Greece is ideal. Knowing that Jane is still holidaying with her grown-up daughters, it gives me something to aim for, as I hope my two girls will have happy memories of our times away. And I want to preface this by saying,

I know I'm privileged and lucky to be able to go on a holiday, one without any cooking or washing up, but there is a kind of extra loneliness to single parenthood out of context. And Gemma, I really thought your perspective here was interesting and worth hearing. So let's go on with it. She says, trying to do it all as usual in unfamiliar or less than ideal circumstances is something I've become pretty good at. But somehow being on holiday magnifies that bittersweet nature of doing

it on your own. Yes, you get the full credit in rare moments of gratitude, but there's no one to share the watch me mum moments on, sorry, the watch me mum moments with fondly or share the memories with. No one to take turns going in the pool to push the kids around on the inflatable doughnut when really you want to read your book on a sun lounger. No one to take photos of you with the children even if the teen does poke her tongue out. What's that about? Feeling guilty when you resort to bribery and wondering if two Prosecco's from the pool bar in the afternoon is a slide into single mom degeneracy. I won't go on but I think you might both understand where I'm coming from. Gemma, I do understand, I can't speak for fee but I definitely do understand but also I absolutely know that you understand

that you're very fortunate to be there at all on a lovely holiday with your two happy, healthy youngsters. It's a fantastic privilege. What can I say? I think it does get easier, but I understand everything you said. It's funny now, I think of going away with my children as frankly, it's a holiday with my mates,

although they're not my mates, and I need to make it clear and I've said this to them and by the way they'd never claim I was their mate, that I'm your mother and I'm not your mate and I never will be and it's a very different thing. But that whole business of being, I don't know, the sole payer for everything and the sole taker of images and yeah, the inflatable things in the pool, it can feel a little bit hmm can't it? Oh I think it's a really it's quite a visceral feeling of loneliness actually on holiday because it's that thing isn't it of the expectation of holidays is always higher. That's hard, very hard. Higher than the reality and you you could be logical about it and I'm sure that you realize

that you know so many couples on holiday discovering their inability to be a couple or not having the best of times. You do see that all around you. Yeah, all of that. But it's because you're against this background of enjoy yourself, relax, have fun and I think whatever it is that you're feeling is magnified. And you know, I really hear you on that. I think it's also, it is one of those moments and it's like birthdays and graduations and Christmases where actually you want to have your emotions reflected in the eyes of somebody who understands the emotions and

it's just really, it's a bit haunting that it's not. So I really feel for you there. But I wonder whether you would ever investigate the singles with kids holidays, which I know Friends went on when their kids were quite young. Is this like you organize it with another woman you know? No, so they're actually organized by companies. So you will just

be booked in, you know, let's say there are five single parents and they've got, you know, eight children between them or whatever and you're not in a formal group but you are booking into the same part of the hotel or under the same brand or whatever as everybody else so they're just as everybody else. So they're just, they're just are like people, like-minded people, people in your situation who you can talk to and be part of. Because that's the other thing as well, isn't it? It's really difficult to break into another family's grouping or for somebody else who's, you know, there with a husband or wife or partner to come over and say, why don't you join us for a drink tonight? That's often a bit difficult to do. So I would explore lots of options because also if you're single parenting or co-parenting on your own, you really deserve a break, you know, you really

do and this completely applies to men as well. And so it would be lovely for your holidays to be a place where you felt that you were still really enjoying yourself, not slightly dreading it because there's a bit of loneliness. So I'd try and track down those holiday companies. Well, Gemma, you might be home by now. So we hope you had a good time. But thank you for mentioning that because it's not insignificant, that actually. No, not at all.

And as the statistics bear out, there will just be more and more people who are doing it by themselves. And actually, I think it's such a valid point that dads maybe find it even harder actually to take their kids on holiday. There's an assumption that mums are kind of capable of doing everything. I think there is still a really horrible assumption that you know maybe dad's aren't as capable and I wonder whether that means that people in resorts are even less likely to reach out a hand or maybe they're more likely to or less we don't know. Well people will have thoughts on that Fee. They will and they'll get in touch it's Jane and Fee at Times at Radio. Can I just talk about the pain of Australia's pull? I thought this was a really interesting one as well.

I'm writing in response to the listener whose daughter moved two hours away from her home of Devon. This year our son, who's 30, has announced that he and his partner are emigrating to Australia. And I was wondering if any listeners have had to deal with the awful position of needing to be positive and encouraging – of course he has to live his life, listening to his excitement about getting a house there and a cat, whilst being absolutely heartbroken and bereft at the loss. Has anybody got any tips as to how not to let the grief show? I have talked to him a bit about how much we'll miss him but of course I don't want to hold him back. Also just a note about changing jobs mid-life. Having been in the music industry for 35 years I retrained at 50 to be a psychotherapist, a job which I chose partly because it is one

of the few careers where wisdom and experience can actually be an advantage. I now have a peaceful life, I'm not having to tour all over the place or experience stage fright every day. Such a relief for my nervous system. I would highly recommend it. Now you're listening to us on your many early morning dog walks, which means that you're a terrific person and we welcome you on board. So let's definitely chuck that out to the group about how to be happy, not let your sadness show, but also, I don't know, I mean, is it an idea to slightly let on that you are a bit sad?

I don't know. It's a tricky one. It's a long way away, that Australia. You can say that again. I'd struggle with that. I know, my darling, we know that. No, no, I just mean the whole... Do you think you might have to consider it, though, at some point? You may well. I mean if if either of the the Gavieresses marry into an Australian fortune they might well no you've said

fortune that's puts a slightly different perspective a little different spin on it let's see what happens yeah but also such a good point about finding a job where your age is actually benefiting the career and presumably the clients that your change of direction has afforded. Do you think that psychotherapy can be done by AI? Oh surely not. Well I would hope not but I bet but I mean there are lots and lots of apps out there already aren't there where you can tap in your feelings and it comes back at you with some kind of ether love. I don't want to be rude about psychotherapist? I don't mean to have. It would be an idea, Jane.

Because then they could look at me and say, and how did that make you feel? We could do couples therapy. Yes, actually, now that is a good idea. We get on reasonably well most of the time, so we probably don't need it. Or do we? Yes, I thought, can I just, this is serious but I do think this is important from Anonymous. Yes. Now that the Orange Man is in the UK.

Well he's up in Scotland, I'm so sorry. Would it not be a good idea for Prince Andrew to reveal what he obviously knows about what went on around Jeffrey Epstein. And I'm wondering why Andrew was put through the wringer, not contesting that he deserved it, when others equally famous or infamous are allowed to get off scot-free. I'm with you, Anonymous, I do think this is very odd, and look, I'd be the last, when neither of us want to defend the ghastly Prince Andrew, but he has no longer a role in public life. He has, if you like, up to a point paid

the price for his association with that dreadful man Epstein. But there are so many other people who appear to have had very close links to him, who haven't paid any price at all, it would seem. It's just weird and wrong. And we don't know what's going to happen in the next couple of weeks. I mean this talk of Ghislaine Maxwell possibly getting a pardon, that would be extraordinary. And we can't lose sight of that as a, I think, something of a possibility. Maybe not. What do you think? I think it, nothing would surprise me about the American justice system at the moment. And I think plea deals and plea bargaining in the American justice system... We don't understand it really, do we?

It seems to be far more prevalent than over here. We don't really have a pardoning system here, do we? Well we don't have a pardoning system. Obviously if you plead guilty you get time off your sentence. So I suppose you might loosely say that that's part of it. But you don't get pardoned. I mean we certainly don't have the presidential pardoning do we? No, no, well the head of state doesn't just say forget about it. Yeah, but I'm really with you on the Epstein thing. Do you know a lot of things really still

upset me about the way that that's reported. I think that to use the term disgrace financier about Jeffrey Epstein, which is continually done, is so wrong. That's a good point. He's a convicted pedophile. Disgrace financier just makes it sound like he did a slightly wrong deal at a big banking house. That's not who he was.

He was a proper, proper nasty piece of work. And for the people who attended the parties, there is a sin of omission, which is what you're referring to as well, whereby even if they didn't participate in all of the sexual activity that was going on, if you were a decent older person, old enough to be a parent to the young girls in the midst, there is no mistaking a young girl, you know, there is a big difference. You know, you might not be able to tell the difference between a 31 year old woman and a 35 year old woman, but you can tell the difference between a 35 year old woman and a 16 or 17 year old. Even if they're 18, you know, that just means

they're six months older than they were when they were 17 and it was illegal. So I get so upset about just the way that we don't call it how it is all the time on him and the people who went to those parties because there is a suggestion isn't there and of course this may be true that Donald Trump, Bill Gates, whoever it was, all of these people in the mix, weren't right at the heart of the darkness but if you even grazed past it... Quite. Yes, if you brushed up against it and I don't mean that in any way in a comic fashion... No, I know you don't. ...then you are absolutely a part of this. And you should speak now.

Yeah, you should speak now, you should tell everybody what you know. Yeah, and it would just make such a difference to so many young women's lives and they are still relatively young women. I mean, we saw what happened to one of them, to Virginia Jafretti. She had an absolutely miserable life and she's no longer with us. So I just think, yeah, I'm absolutely with you there, sister. Well we wish we could talk longer on this and any other number of other subjects. We've been told to shut up. But we've been told that somebody else needs the studio. That's astonishing. Well, look, we will save all of the other ones. And sorry, we've been told to shut up. But we've been told that somebody else needs the studio. That's astonishing.

Well, look, we will save all of the other ones. And sorry, we've been quite serious, haven't we, on a Monday morning? But we will save lots of your emails that have come in over the weekend, including, I think we might have to put up some gorgeous pictures of deserted beaches. But interestingly, these are all cold beaches, aren't they? They're beaches where people are letting their dogs run free, there are some Highland cattle in play somewhere. And I would make a distinction that a deserted cold beach is delicious

and a deserted hot beach is boring. Oh, you've been very, very controversial right at the end. And it's going to cause upset. It's only Monday, Jane. Right, we'll be there in North Berwick both wearing our England shirts I hope that goes down well with the audience I'm sure they'll be supportive won't they? Right which number will you wear? Who will you be? Well I'm Chloe. God love me and my dreams I think I am. Right. I want to be Beth. Do you? Yeah. Well well done all of All of them. OK, thank you for listening. Sorry it's so short. Not our fault, not Hannah's either.

Jane and Fee at times.radio. Goodbye. Congratulations. You've staggered somehow to the end of another Off Air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale, and if you listen to this you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online on DAB or on the free Times Radio app. Off Air is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.