Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Only the finest silverware for my Monster Munch

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

Jane has been released from the safe house, and she and Fi are back in the same room! They discuss cycling after the snip, their least favourite washing-machine error codes, and guinea-pig deceit. You can listen to our 'I've got the house to myself' playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2MkG0A4kkX74TJuVKUPAuJWe've announced our next book club pick! 'Just Kids' is by Patti Smith.If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There is always a woman whose career is going tits up. Right. So that would be me next week for comments. Well, you've got Greatest Tits Radio to look for, too. I know you're all. It was determined to end up there leaving me behind here. No, because there's room for all of us on Greatest Tits. We've got our coffees.

We're back in the same. Jane has been released from the safe house. The threat is not imminent. Well, so when they have a safe house on a TV crime drama, and you always think the neighbours would notice, I mean, even when they portray it as being one of those terrible cities like London, when nobody knows their neighbours, you absolutely would notice a lot of beefy men,

because they are beefy men who do that secure. detail, aren't they? Well, they wouldn't stand outside a house protecting it. No, but if you saw an awful lot of beefy men of a certain age getting out of nondescript and then discrypt cars all of a sudden and rushing around, I think I'd like to think that I'd notice. In spy thrillers, people tend to live in safe houses on remote islands, which seem to be omni available.

But you're right, in a small community like that, you would think. People would say, oh, see the safe house is in use again. It's somebody, surely you would, wouldn't you? You would? I would have thought so. It's one of many flaws we've detected in modern drama. Now, I don't think that you've delved into all her fault, have you? No.

Sarah's no. Oh, that's the one about the child who's not there when she goes to pick it up. But it's, I would like to allay people's fears. It's not about the very worst thing that might happen to a job. child. So it really is a thriller about parenting and why you parent and what you get from parenting. And there's just some really good stuff, Jane, I think, about particularly about sometimes when it is left to the mum who's working as well to do a lot of the stuff. There are some quite brilliant lines, well-observed lines directed at all of the gentlemen by some of the

gentlemen. So it's good. It's really good. I don't. I'd just like to pop that down as a recommendation because I know that I haven't done very well on all of the things that everybody else seems to be watching at the moment and really enjoying. Which reminds me, riot women. That is the show.

It's one eye player. Sonia says, so many issues covered in one drama, fabulous acting, an emotional rollercoaster, brilliant music, and the singer's voice is amazing. Could you use your vast influence? Thank you, Sonia. To lobby for the cast to do a live show or tour. It's impressive.

all learned the instruments for the drama. They looked like they were enjoying themselves, so maybe they'd welcome the chance to play again in front of a bigger audience. I'm sure it would be well attended, and perhaps the proceeds could go to a women's charity. Gosh, I mean, Sonia's heaping quite a lot there on the cast of riot women.

But you never know. I'm three episodes into this now. And, or is it four? Might be three, might be four. Can't remember. I am enjoying it. I will finish it. But I do understand why some people are going.

I don't know. Not on a Sunday night. Well, no, not so much that. as how many more menopausal things can be shoehorned into a six-part? I don't know. Maybe I'm being unfair because I'm properly enjoying it. And I know and all of other people are saying, well, there's got to be, there are male characters in it

who, shall we say, don't come off terrifically well. But there are some good ones too, I think. Maybe that it'll be revealed by the end of episode six that they're not all as bad as they see. But some great people in it. And I know it's striking a chord with. many. I'm going to make a massive leap into an email entitled More on Data Centres as Heat Sources. Love the podcast, Angie. This is very interesting. It's a phenomenal email and

do you know what? Apart from anything else, I think it really confirms the place that local radio should have kept in all of our hearts and in the heart of the BBC because it comes courtesy of BBC Essex, doesn't it? So this is from Angie and I can't remember what would have provoked an email about heating our houses, or maybe it's because we have talked about the draining resource of data centres on our world, so the fact that every time you ask chat GPT something, a data centre has to whir through some more energy, electricity, and particularly water to cool it, doesn't it? So the point of this piece is, here we go, I'm going to put on my very, very best. I'm back in local radio, reading the news. The man there at the centre of this

saga is posing, I'm going to say jauntily, with his elbow on top of his data centre? Would that be right? He's got a little element of the Mike Reed about him, hasn't he? What you think? He's a bit more attractive than Mike Reed.

Which for Mike Reed do you mean, the Radio 1 presenter or the Cockney comedian? Cockney Comedian actor. Oh, EastEnders? Yes. Well, hang on, wasn't there a Radio 1 DJ? Yes, but I think he was a different spelling of Reed. It's very common name, isn't it? I think he had views, so I think he was dispensed.

He was sent on his way. Although probably propped up by local radio and, you know, given a show of their own. I mean, there was a time. I had a really lovely mentee for a while who worked at BBC Radio Berkshire. And she was so brilliant, Jane, and on it, and young and ambitious, and she should have had a show of her own. But BBC Radio Berkshire's schedules were taken up with Tony Blackburn and Anne Diamond. And, you know, people who were incredibly in demand and talented

and had had a huge time in the sun. But I actually thought, God, shouldn't you just slightly move over and make way for the fantastic Bridget? Just leave that in there. I know it's peaking culture at the moment to have a go at the BBC, so... Oh, yeah, we don't want to hop on any. No, I don't want to hop on that. But sometimes I think that, you know,

cutting swathes out of local news has really hurt all of us to return to a familiar thing. I did hear, see and hear, that John Humphreys was back amongst in the mix over the weekend, giving us the benefit of his robust views. So was Jenny Murray. Did he yes. Yeah, I didn't actually, well, I didn't read Jenny Murray, so I don't know, what did she say? Oh, I mean, the headline was, so I keep the, I get the best of the daily mail, the roundup of the week.

We're going to come to heat sources in the moment. Yeah, we'll get there, we'll get there. But, yeah, the daily mail thing. So sometimes I just read it out to whoever's willing to listen at home and nobody can quite believe it. Do you stand on a chair and read it out to the rest of the household? What are you saying? Nancy must be absolutely enthralled.

It's the highlight of the week. Mum's reading out, the best of the Daily Mail. Gather round. No, you just wait. Seven unmissable stories. Yeah, here we go. It's like he's given up the seemingly innocent tweet that sparked Labour's leadership war.

Who's ready to blame for the chaos? and why it will drag Britain catastrophically to the left because we never had chaos under the Tories so fondly remembered those stable halcyon days Number two Exposed Beatrice and Eugenie

In secret deal Andrew and Charles' negotiations over fate of the girls plus the twist no one saw coming revealed to Richard Eden Why you've stopped losing weight on Manjaro is a note number three The horrendous story of Sarah Sharif is in there at number four.

It's like Holly and Adam have just ditched his family, horrible threats from one side and the shocking slur from the other. The Insiders tell Katie Hind. What's really behind the toxic feud between Ramsey's and PTs? It's no secret as she isn't in demand. As Tess Daly quits strictly, TV Insiders whisper of how Claudia's new move has left her co-star behind. And then in at number seven,

there was a great big piece at the top that accounts for number one. We won't even go there. I spent nearly 50 years at the BBC and watched the current madness spread like poison. This is what they told me when I dared to question the agenda and how it cost me a job I laughed. Who's that? Who's that by? Jenny Murray.

Gosh, I mean, can I just say, I was there at the time and recollections may vary. Shall we just pop that one in there, Jane? I think so. Okay. But also, I mean, if you were, want to be dragged down into your own vortex of despair?

I'll tell you what. Those are the seven unmissable stories that you should have filled your weekend. It's like that every week. There is always a Manjaro story in there now. There is always a feuding family. Well, a celebrity family. There is always a woman whose career is going tits up. Right. So that'd be me next week

for coming. Well, you've got the greatest tits radio to look 14. I know you're all. It was determined to end up there leaving me behind here. No! because there's room for all of us on greatest tits. Yes, I really do hope so. Anyway, recollections may vary was, was that a sentiment expressed by our late monarch? Yes, it was the Queen. I do think it's one of those handicatch-all phrases that we must all cling on to.

Can we for God's sake just do this? Talk about the data centre. Go, sister. And Essex. This is a positive spin on a data centre. But also it's a really good news story. It is. An Essex couple have become the first people in the country to trial a scheme that sees them heat their home using a data centre in their garden shed.

Terence and Leslie Bridges have seen their energy bills drop dramatically. You're going to like this bit from £375 a month down to as low as 40 since they swapped their gas boiler for a heat hub, a small data centre containing more than 500 computers. Data centres are banks of computers which carry up digital tasks as the computer's process data. they generate lots of heat, which is captured by oil and then transferred into the Bridges' hot water system. Mr Bridges, comma, 76, comma, says keeping his two-bed bungalow near Braintree warm. Amazing. They haven't popped the price in, but that's why the BBC has stayed classy.

Exactly. Brain tree warm was a necessity because his wife has got spinal stenosis. It truly is brilliant. He says, I'm over the moon. We got to pick to trial this out. You can't fault the heating system. It's a 100% improvement on what we had before. Well, that's brilliant for that couple. How fantastic.

Well, I mean, I hope that it gets rolled out across the country. So you can pop a data centre in, which technology companies will want to tap into. And while it's doing its business, the offset is that you get the heat from it. That's absolutely bloody brilliant. It feels like a no-brainer. I wonder if somebody out there will tell us why that isn't necessarily a good thing. Or, I mean, I was thinking if you've got a community, if you're in a village, you've got a village hall, and you've got a bit of space, stick a data centre in there, and maybe that would help the whole community. Yeah.

But that can't be that simple, sure. But we already have communities that pull together solar panels, don't we? And have pulled together the energy generated from small wind turbines. So it's exactly the same thing. But it strikes me that there might be a little less pushback to this, because you're going to you. you can pop it in a shed because both the windmills and the solar panels I know of course an awful lot of consternation

because the optics aren't good. So yes, we'd like to know more about that. And how fabulous, how fabulous it's... It's also part of the same technology that's being used by quite a lot of Lido's. Lido's. We're never too far from Lido anecdote. Surely people aren't going down the Lido in these temperatures

suddenly got cold. Of course they are. Well, because the London Fields once eaten, isn't it? Oh, of course, yeah. Now, we're not going to mention this man and his book again, except I am about to. Was it Ken?

No. Oh, you've got to read the Ken, follow it by that. Oh, yes, I've got it somewhere, bear with. It's Peter Thornton and his book, The Later Years, honestly, no man has had more publicity off this podcast than Peter Thornton, but he was so nice, and the book is so helpful. It's the later years, it's the title,

self-explanatory, but you can hear him. He's giving a free lecture, at Gresham College. Actually, I think it's today, but no matter if you can't catch it at around 6 o'clock tonight, because you can sign up to watch it for free online. And who's this from? Holly, she says, I'd love to be attending in person, but as it's the night before my twins turn 18, I'll be busy wrapping gifts and not in the basement, Jane, and assembling party banners. So I'll be online for it at some point. Right, Holly, thank you for that. And thank you for alerting us to it. And it's Gresham College. You can find it online.

and it's all there, isn't it? Monday the 17th, that is today, at 6 o'clock. So it's available online afterwards, one would assume, as well as live. And happy birthday to the twins, Holly. Gosh, what was life like for you 18 years ago in their early months? Somewhat challenging, I would imagine. But congratulations to you and to them both, and I hope they have a fantastic birthday.

If it turns out that you can only watch online in the moment, and you do want to hear Peter Thornton, then just spool back through the episodes of this podcast. And you'll find him. I think probably about two years ago now. Maybe not that long. We'll send Eve on to it. Look, she's looking alert and interested. Louise, thank you for your kind email about the interview with Louise Penny.

I would definitely recommend getting into the Armand Gamash books. I would start at the beginning, though. February. February. This year. It wasn't. I'm in a time warp. It wasn't.

It seems longer, Eve. does it to you God you know I genuinely can't believe that it's weird that is so strange right I think it's just Jane

because we've done so much high quality work in between now and then it's just made it feel like it's further away I can't ever really remember how long we've been here for this is too many echoes of my recent life

is this year four I think it is isn't it I think we're in year four. No, I think so. From October. From October? In our fourth year. So it's three years, actually.

It's only three years. It's three in a bit years. I tell you what, this is riveting entertainment for somebody. Yeah. Anyway, just, Louise, thank you for your email. Do start at the beginning with Still Life. And you don't have to read all of the books in order, but I think it will just really help you to read.

Don't go in on this one if it's your first Louise Penny book that you are reading. and you go on to say crime writing is not my natural home though as I find I'm becoming more sensitive to gore and upset as I get older I think this also applies to you so please can you reassure me that Louise Penny's books are not graphic they really are not graphic so occasionally there will be a description of the fate of somebody or there'll be a description of an autopsy and what that's found but it does not go there I think if you're a regular listener

you will understand me alluding to Joe Nesboe and Karen Slaughter who both write and actually I think I felt Val McDermott, thank you I think she's quite graphic, Denise Mina's quite graphic it is not that level of slicing off, you know, scalps and things like that it's not that kind of gau at all it's much more cerebral and it's cast of characters You know, they are trying to warm up the world

through finding stories about injustice and solving them, not the other way around because I know what you mean about being taken to a very dark place. And can we say hello to the fabulous friend of Louise Heidi who's planning a trip down to London built entirely around our event in December? What happens at the event in December and our tickets still available, Jane? I think you'll find... I don't think there are that many tickets still available.

We don't want to sound too desperate, too. No. Limited. What do they always say? Limited availability. Limited availability. Just chuck in expressions like hot cakes. Hope for the best. It's December 7th. The Prince Edward Theatre and all welcome early start, early finish.

Don't expect too much and you should be relatively pleasantly surprised. Hope that's covered all basis. Oh, we're just going to have a right old laugh, aren't we? And there'll be some things to win and stuff like that because it's Christmas, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Things to win. I think we might have some copies of our book. I was going to put my mum's jam up there.

Oh, well, we'll do that. And some of them are jellies, not just jams. Oh, I say. Well, look, for heaven's sake, sell your produce. Drifting, says Lynne, drifting, I can't believe this. Drifting, I've been listening to the podcast and drifting off to sleep. The cone of shame, guinea pigs, men's aversion to pets, pets getting the snip, men getting the snip. All of this was carrying on as I sort of drifted.

off, she says. It would have been awkward all this for my late teacher brother-in-law. He just popped to the doctors during lunch break for his vasectomy, then return to class. I mean, that's a proper bloke, isn't it? You've got to say, I hugely respect that. Would it be possible to do that, do you think? I think so. Okay. I mean, I'm genuinely asked, I'd have no idea. I'd imagine you'd certainly have some more than twinges. You might not want to perch on

the corner of a desk. I think you'd spend the entire as a entire period standing, I would assume, upright. Also, I have a friend who cycled downhill for his operation and was ordered by the doctor to call his wife to drive him home up a very steep hill. So he just hadn't really thought about going downhill on the way there is one thing, pre-op. But then afterwards, mate, do think it through. Oh, no, don't berate him for that. It must have been so agonising to even attempt it.

Anyway, he didn't have to. because there's no doubt extremely appreciative wife came to give him a lift home. Lynne says the Remarkables are a remarkably craggy range of mountains visible from the tourist destination, Queensland. That's right, isn't it? Lynne, thank you very much for that. Much appreciated.

Can we thank also Kersinia, who has sent us the most delightful picture of scabby and nutmeg. Now, these are the guinea pigs. I mean, that's unfortunate, isn't it? Nutmeg I completely get But imagine if you're scabby And you know you've been called scabby It's not pleasant is it

It's not, poor scabby Anyway Scabby and nutmeg are definitely boys So no risk of more baby guinea pigs The snip would just be to stop them Having odd fights and scuffles I'm also not sure Why the men in my household are so resistant

The idea of them being neutered Perhaps they're worried that they might be next So We also had a fantastic email It was from a gentleman person, wasn't it? Is this the one, it's Andy? Yes, can you do Andy's, please. Here's my snip story.

It says, Plucky Andy, 2011, we got married late, 48 and 40 since you ask. I decided to get the snip before, and my fiancé supported my decision as we decided not to have kids. So I went to an NHS clinic and a bloke did the op, cutting a small section of the tubes out. Do you think men feel happier when this operation is done by a fellow male? I wonder whether they do. I'm just interested.

I had a cesarean section the second time around with an entirely female medical team in the theatre and weirdly I did find it help. I don't know why, I can't explain that. So I wonder whether a man would feel better with a man doing a vasectomy. Who knows? It just depends entirely on the man, doesn't it?

I wonder whether you just might think they would perhaps do it, I was going to say with more tenderness, with a bit more respect. I don't know. Women. would. No, men. Yeah. Would. And a man might

feel that a man would do it with more tenderness and respect. Who knows? Who knows? Get back to us on that one, Andy. Anyway. We've had this topic before, though, haven't we? Where so many people say, actually, the men who are working in reproductive medicine

are the men who really, really care about reproductive medicine because there is a prejudice against them. And I really understand that argument. So if you do get a male nurse or I mean, you know, male midwives, I know are very, very rare. You would hope it's because they genuinely, genuinely care about that area of medicine and therefore you.

But it depends entirely on how you see men, doesn't it? Because you might love an all-female cast. Other women might feel reassured not to have one. Not to have one. Or a man, I mean, I always think, you know, when you watch football and there's a free kick and the men in the wall, they protect themselves. I mean, say, it obviously is excruciating.

I would imagine it is. But I just, well, I could only imagine. I've got no idea. Anyway, Andy says, I was sent home. It only took about 10 minutes, the whole operation, local anaesthetic. I was sent home with a sore ball bag. Thank you, Andy. He told me to lie down with a bag of frozen peas

placed on the site of the operation just for a bit. I couldn't find peas anywhere. So he improvised it, Andy. and he used a fillet of frozen trout. I mean, also, that's a very sort of upmarket alternative, isn't it? So, well done, Andy. I was thinking of having taken the initiative contraception-wise and being such a brave little soldier,

I get some brownie points in my locker. Imagine my surprise, though, when a week later, my fiancé trumped me when she was diagnosed with what Andy calls here a touch of cancer. Blimey. So far, she has got away with it, and we are both still alive. Well, I'm really, really glad to hear that.

and our best wishes to you, your fiancé. I think now, presumably, wife, who knows. Anyway, the PS is, obviously the trout wasn't wasted. We did have it for tea. Well, I think that's... It's fair enough. You don't want it to go to waste. No, I mean, trout is not the cheapest, is it?

Well, it's not. I mean, I think as long as you cooked it to a decently high temperature. That's that... Well, obviously, Andy's fit enough to email, so we can assume it went all right. But a very important point, been made by Tim, who says, I'm sure will be just one of many

listeners to point out a crucial misunderstanding on your part regarding birth control in certain mammals. You're the only person to email in Tim. What does that say about us in our audience? Can you just explain his point? Male cat, skinny pigs and similar creatures

are castrated to prevent unplanned pregnancy. Unlike humans, they're not given a vasectomy under local anaesthetic reassured us to their future well-being and sent on their way. What exactly is he saying? Well, a vasectomy is tying up a couple of tubes inside you.

A day operation where you can go back to your job afterwards as long as it doesn't involve cycling up a hill. Castration, I think, is something altogether different. And more brutal. Yes. Right. Okay. Is everything just... Yes. Yeah. So it is different. And thank you, Tim. Thank you, Tim, for pointing that out.

Thank you, Tim. Because we are really, really, really. exposing the holes in our knowledge of that area. Mystery guinea pig breeding, dear Jane. Fiegoch, thrilled to have my email read out. This is back to Luke. Couldn't believe it was alongside talk of guinea pig neutering as it prompted yet another family pet debacle. Many years ago, some friends who were emig

who were emigrating to Australia gave our family their guinea pig. What they failed to mention was that she was pregnant. We noticed she was getting rather round but thought nothing of it until she gave birth. Sadly, only one baby survived enough to some careful. research my parents determined the little one was female they decided mother and daughter could happily share a hutch a year or so later another baby guinea pig mysteriously appeared what assuming they had misidentified the original daughter's gender and that some unfortunate

familiar relations had occurred to avoid any further breeding my parents asked if they could give the supposed male guinea pig to our neighbor who already owned a male guinea pig two males together what could go wrong? Well, a lot could go right, Luke. As it turns out, though, quite a lot. One day the neighbour rang to say, she now had four baby guinea pigs, plus the original two male guinea pigs and could we please come and collect them as one was okay, but five is pushing it. For years afterwards, my parents thought they must have discovered the world's first tamaphradite guinea pig. The plot thickens during a heated argument between me and my brother about wanting to rename one of the guinea pigs. My brother blurted out, you can't rename him. He's my guinea pig. I stole him.

Dun, done. Wow, I mean, this is a ten-part series on Netflix. After some interrogation, he confessed that he'd stolen the guinea pig from the local donkey sanctuary, smuggled it in in his pencil case, and secretly added it to the hutch when he got home. Oh, for me's sake. Don't do it, kids. After decisive action by my mother to neuter them all,

they lived harmoniously in the garden's semi-free range, just being locked away at night in case of predators. Well, Luke, what an incredible story. This is only scratching the surface. of the menagerie of animals we had growing up. These days I'm much happy with just the one cat, Storm, also nicknamed Stormy Daniels, photo attached. And Stormy Daniels has got a lovely,

she's got a very determined look in her eyes. I think she's got one blue eye and one green eye, and we wish Stormy Daniels the very best of luck, don't we? We really do. And actually, the real Stormy Daniels is still out there. I just hope she, wherever she is, whatever she's doing. I hope she's living a dream. I really do.

There's some more stuff. Donald Trump has changed his mind on the Epstein files. It's all a little mysterious, isn't it? I think more will be revealed later on today or certainly later this week. What could possibly have happened there, do you think? I honestly don't know. No. No.

It's quite the cash of emails, isn't it? It's around 20,000 of them. And apparently that's just a drop in the email ocean here. Yeah. Very peculiar business. But initially, Donald Trump wanted them all released then he seems to have been, you know, stalling on it. And now he's all guns blazing, yep, get him out there.

I'd confess if I were a cynical person, I'd wonder what's gone on. I really would. But I'm not cynical. So there must be an entirely reasonable explanation for this. Watch this space. Hula hoops. Back on safe round. Not the snack, which I've personally found quite unexceptional in my snack eating life.

Oh, come on. I don't like them. You never put them all across the tops of your fingers. I did, but it just didn't bring as much joy as just a salt and vinegar crisp. Oh, you're just so deliberately contrary sometimes. I don't like Hula Hooloo. I don't think you can trust someone who doesn't like a Hula Hoop. A hula hoop is very much a four out of ten snack.

No, it's so firm. That's what I love about it. It was a rigidity about a hoop. Yes, I like it. I feel like my money's worth. Same with a monster munch, although sometimes I have genuinely cut the top of my mouth on them. Yeah, I mean, this is, if nothing else, you do get some really sensible advice on this podcast. You do.

Eat your monster bunch with a knife and fall. And slowly. Sarah says, like you, I couldn't hula hoop throughout my childhood, and I just couldn't understand how effortless some of the people seem to find it, chatting away, walking around nonchalantly, whilst continuing to hoop. My daughters found it effortless, and I was still useless. Fast forward to the age of 49 and a half, walking along a prime, when I saw a hula hoop demonstration.

The secret, apparently, is a weighted hoop. That makes it easy, peasy, and you can hula for hours. It's super fun. I can just about converse while hooping. It's £11 from DeKathlon, I think, and I no longer feel excluded from the hula hoop club. It's definitely not genetic, it's weighted. Well, I just didn't know that.

So, do people who appear to find this effortless just cheat from me? minute one and purchase a weighted hoop. I'm not sure that can be true. Maybe a weighted hoop's not cheating. Maybe that's what all the proper hula hoopers are using. And it's just the kind of kiddie or seaside version that isn't weighted. How's about that for a theory? Gosh, it's a theory.

Yeah. You would do, if you wanted to be hula hooping for exercise, you'd do better to have a weighted one anyway, wouldn't you? Well, more strenuous. Yeah. You've got to work your muscles a bit more, haven't you? I suppose you have, yeah. I mean, you can't get excessively weighted ones,

otherwise you'd imagine if you were trying to hula hoot with a 5k-y weight. Well, I think that would be unwise, especially after a vasectomy. Or a monster bunch. This comes in from Ben. It's delightful. I was on the weakest link in 2003.

I won. I don't talk about it much. Friends of Ben, welcome. Jane and Fiat Times dot Radio. One of the questions Anne Robinson asked me was where was Petula Clark referring to when she's saying, things will be great when you're,

and Ben goes on to say, it always makes me laugh when I hear it as I inexplicably answered, in America. I don't know who she fancies doing a new version for me. Things will be great when you're in America.

That's very good. It might work. I see, I'm looking at Ben's credentials here. It looks like he's. a man we could do business with. Have you seen his email address? What is this email address? He's a broker. He's a broker. Yeah. I love broken men.

Yeah, you bet. Ben, thank you for that. Right. Ben, thank you for that. Oh, I got back from Liverpool last night. Do you know what I had for? On the old Bosch washing machine, I put a load of washing on, settled down for an episode of riot women. And then, you know that it makes that beep when the site cycles finished. Unfortunately, way before the cycle was due to finished, I heard a different kind of noise from the washing machine, something alerting me to its very considerable displeasure and it was fault E18. Not E18. E18 on a Sunday night. I know. No one should have E18 any time, but certainly not on a Sunday night. Did you try and deal with it immediately? Do you know what I did?

What? Fired up the old fella in a polo shirt on YouTube and God love them. I swear, how I existed before this facility I do not know a couple of, it must have been about ten hundred, ten hundred ten billion T hundred emails emails, pretty, videos

explaining how to deal with EAT Isn't it extraordinary? So literally as soon as YouTube arrived every single plumber in town thought right this is for me whereas you and I have spent literally 30 years ago it's YouTube for us

all these are I mean They're not the fastest speakers, they're not particularly charismatic, but honestly, I really find them helpful. They are helpful. So I want to say that, you know, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for offering these little videos. How do you decide which one to watch? Yeah, you're going to go with.

I go with somebody British. Do you? Yes, as long as they've got to sort of, you know, they look as though they're not in America, I will go with them. And it was E-18 on the Bosch, and Bish-Bash Bosch, and you open the thing and you get your hose out, you pull out the little hose and you drain it

and then you turn the thing and then you pull out the whatset and there sure enough on the little video the chap had said it could be a nail and do you know what? It was there was also a stick in there but how? Well it just comes out of your pockets and stuff

doesn't it? There's sticks in my pocket. The stuff that I found in the curly bit of the washer filter is just astonishing and some very incriminating things over the years including one silver charm from Christmas dinner I thought well that's somebody who just didn't want to be receiving

the wedding bells this year An ungrateful vest Bloody hell But yeah quite a lot of two peepieces An awful lot of hair Snus I don't think your girls have ever done snus have they Is that a vap pouches? No it's pouches, okay yeah

All of those things Yes I'm perplexed by the stick Is there any somebody will know Is there any way that a stick could enter my washing machine via, not through clothing or for any member of the household, but just through the water system. No, because your

washing machine would have a... It's an independent thing, is it? A filter going into it. Surely. I don't know. But I may be wrong, I'm not on YouTube. Imagine if we're in later life, even later life, were to do a YouTube series of Fix It videos. Oh, no, I think we should.

Okay. I absolutely think we should. I think we've missed a trick. I think it's all part of that slightly kind of we don't know anything mentality that an awful lot of women have when in fact you do know loads it's just it's not really valued or valuable I think we could do quite a lot

well let's just mark that down as well as well as definitely anyway if you have a favourite fault on your washing machine do let us know do you know I will only go with a gentleman on YouTube if he's wearing a polo neck shirt that's got some kind of application on it you know what I mean

What do you mean? Well, it has to say Bob's plumbing services. Oh, I see. And it has to have been done in nice proper embroidered thread. And then you trust what they say. And then I trust what they say. And it's got to be short-sleeved as well. Because no tradesperson would come to your house

in a long-sleeved top, would they? No. You'd certainly hope not. Anyway, thanks to that individual. His name I suspect I'll never know. But you sorted me out. How big was the stick? I mean, was it like a knobbly twig?

I'm going to say it was precisely that. It was a short, knobbly twig. Yeah. That's just weird, isn't it? You sure it wasn't a twiglet? No, I haven't started... I mean, if a hula hoop, did I say was four out of ten, I'm going to say a twiglet's barely a six.

I mean, I'm not up there with... No, no. I can't make a case for a twiglet. And it definitely wasn't one. Okay. Well, look, thoughts and prayers to all of you who've got to the end of this. Whatever this was.

Email. Ask about any of the topics included. Oh, can we just, sorry, do the final, final one. It comes in from Helen, and it's about misheard thing. Oh, yes, this is good, do this. Hello, Jane and Fee and Eve and Jamal. I've just been listening to Thursday's, pardon the anecdote from your listener, who thought there'd been the new device to get water from her ears.

I thought I would just send you this link of a similar mid-hearing accent thingy that I've saved because it makes me laugh. I hope it makes you laugh too. at 6.32 this morning, Helen, it properly made me laugh. It's a radio show with three men and the host says to one of the guests, what is it that you would like your younger self to know? And the guest looks thoughtfully into the middle distance. They're in New Zealand, so I'm about to do an accent. Okay, Brett, please get everybody particularly down under, brace yourselves. Well, I'd say spend less time with the kids and the host goes,

you want to spend less time with your children that is an astonishing thing for a father to say also very honest very honest and then the third guest pops up and says now not to kids dickids dick dick heads dick heads and that was his advice

to spend less time with dick heads as we say without received pronunciation yes oh it's lovely Helen absolutely lovely that was thank you that did make me laugh and just very briefly we can't go all that long without mentioning Ken

and if he didn't say that we'd have this funny email this is from Jane catching up with yesterday's off air from 3am my sleepless listening hours well look welcome aboard we know lots of you

listen at all sorts of odd time well it's not even an odd time of night anymore three o'clock many of us are wrestling with all sorts of thoughts at that hour of the night I decided to download a Ken Follett to see what I was missing

you didn't take my advice Jane you went for circle of days which is the Stonehenge one. Sorry, Jane, I'm not enjoying it. I'm finding it annoying. How can you say in the same paragraph that I'm as old as two feet, two hands and two feet again and two fingers,

then in the next breath, interrupt an argument with, hang on a minute. I get that circa 150 AD, Greek astronomers divided degrees of latitude into 65 minutes, and then 60 second minutes,

seconds in other words but please this is supposed to be Somerset okay I think it's Somerset Wiltshire borders I've forgotten about that but I think I did notice that at the time Jane hang on a minute but but in Ken's defence

I with my friend who likes the occasional reference to herself Emma we're both listening to the Fall of Giants the first of his century novels and it's a colossal this is one of the 30 our whoppers. This is one's about the First World War. Honestly, it's brilliant. Oh, and honestly, Jane, it's brilliant.

So if you want to try another, Ken, go for that. Honestly, it's fabulous. It's got Russian characters. It's got Welsh. Fabulous bloat reading it. It's just brilliant. And there are some quite funny sex scenes. Really? Yeah, well, there are. There are some superstitious.

I mean, there's nothing funny. Absolutely nothing funny about war. But I have to say that there are some bizarre encounters and one particularly memorable wedding night a suffragette called Maud. I hope he doesn't mix up his decades there and offer anyone some cherry-flavoured condoms. I don't think they were around in the First World War.

No, most definitely were not. Anyway, Jane, press on. Press on, don't give off. But honestly, he's written some absolute whoppers, so perhaps you just picked the wrong one to start with. Oh, yeah, maybe Jane, press off. Goodbye. Yes, goodbye.

Congratulations. You've staggered somehow to the end of another off-air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it, live every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale. And if you listen to this, you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online, on DAB, or on the free Times Radio app. Offair is produced by Eve Salisbury, and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.

I'm going to be it.