Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Poetry I'd rather not (with Janey Godley)

Episode Date: May 9, 2024

It's Thursday, the end is in sight! And we'll be seeing you all way through Friday this week too as an email special will drop tomorrow morning! In this episode, Jane and Fi chat Eurovision, waxing and reviving songs. Plus, comedian Janey Godley joins Jane and Fi to discuss her new memoir ‘JANEY: The Woman That Won't Shut Up'.You can book your tickets to see Jane and Fi live at the new Crossed Wires festival here: https://www.sheffieldtheatres.co.uk/book/instance/663601If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiAssistant Producer: Eve SalusburyTimes Radio Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you think well-known Bake Off judge Paul... Do you think he... It's quite a surname, isn't it, that? Do you think that's where his family's... Stop it! Because you're a glover, aren't you? I know, we made gloves! Yeah, well...

Welcome to Thursday's Off Air with our top guest, the Scottish comedian and writer. She's written a novel. She's written a second memoir. This one is Janie Godley's book, Janie, the woman that won't shut up. So Janie Godley with, as always, some slightly ripe content when Janie's involved. Ripe content is just what everybody needs on a Thursday. I would have thought so, yeah. Envoyer de mon iPhone is what's at the bottom of this, which comes in from Amanda.

Just to reassure Fee, she'll be fine in France as regards the pronunciation of her name. Wi-Fi is pronounced Wi-Fi in these here parts. I've quite often wanted to move to France, Jane. You're not very fond of France. No, no, I love France. Oh, do you? I do actually really like France. I wouldn't want to live there, but I find it the most intoxicating place to visit. Yeah. Yeah. I like some of the things that they do. You know, they've stood up to big tech way more than other countries, way more than we have.

Well, I think you'll find in the Eurovision on Saturday, they will once again be gamely singing in their own language. They do not sing in English. That's if they've made it to the final, actually. I'm not sure that they have. But if they're in the final, they'll be singing in French. I get very confused about that semi-final to final thing. Do we get an automatic pass?

Yeah, we're one of the biggies. Okay, well, surely France are one of the biggies, aren't they? Oh, yeah, they must be. But anyway, although I sort of slightly raised my eyebrows a little bit,

I had them plucked this week, so they're perhaps a little easier to raise. Have you noticed? I haven't. But now you've mentioned it, Jane. Gosh, your eyebrows look fine. Thank you.

I will make a motion with my eyebrows when a French dutifully croon in French on Saturday night. But I also admire them for doing it. Yeah. I actually think, do you remember in the old days with Eurovision, everyone had to sing in their own language? Then I think they invented a rule where if you wanted to, you could sing in another one and loads of people chose English. And I think some of the charm has gone, actually. I really do. Interesting point. Are you an Olly Alexander fan? I wouldn't say one way or the other. It would be great if we could put in a reasonable performance.

I don't think the UK are going to win. No, I don't think we're even going to be mid-table. And that's no hate on him. But also, there's a certain type of dancing, isn't there, that's just so twerky. And just jumpy and jarring. Is that what they do? Yes, I just find it a bit too much.

It's everywhere. It's everywhere, that kind of... I tell you what, it's not hot gossip. Is it? That's what I long for. So anyway, just on the subject of eyebrows, do you ever get itchy eyebrows? I've had terrible itchy eyebrows this year. There's a season for it. My hay fever kicks in and my eyebrows get itchy.

I have never had an itchy eyebrow. Well, now I've said it, you might start itching. Now, there was such a dilemma in yesterday's podcast about this poem that Wendy in Hertfordshire needed answers about. So this is to do with the blousy peony and Wendy was looking for a particular poem. The stanza was what? It was something about unfurling petals. Yeah it was just a phrase and peonies spread too wide and And Wendy couldn't remember where she got that from. Where did it come from? And the answer, and believe me, Wendy, lots of people were very keen indeed to supply us with the answer to your query.

It's a poem called The Difficult Seed by Mildred Howells. And lots of people, as I say, did come up with this answer. But I've got, happens to be Fern's email that I've got in front of me. Could you read a little bit of the poem? Yes, I could. Thank you for asking. It won't be long before we are doing a poetry podcast. This is the... Shall we do a rival to the well-established Poetry Please, which is just called Poetry, No Thank You. Poetry, If You Must. No, that's unfair because there were some wonderful poems. I love a bit of poetry, but I don't really understand where poetry, please, came from. It's just good manners.

But they don't have a science, please, do they? Science, please? No, perhaps they should. Okay, this is from Mildred Howell's work, The Difficult Seed. And it's about a seed that knows it's going to become a flower, but doesn't know yet what kind of flower. A little seed lay in the ground and soon began to spout. Now, which of all the flowers around, it mused, shall I come out?

Can I just say, Mildred, I know you're long gone, but that's not that good. The lily's face is fair and proud but just a trifle cold. The rose I think is rather loud and then it's fashions old. The violet is very well but not a flower I'd choose nor yet the canterbury bell I never cared for blues. Petunias are far too bright and vulgar flowers beside. The primrose only blooms at night and peonyies spread too wide. And so it criticised each flower, this supercilious seed, until it woke one summer hour

and found itself a weed. What a naughty little seed that paid a price. A difficult seed indeed. Well, thank you for that. I feel that we've gone very esoteric there. We've come back down to earth with Natalie's email got to 60 and decided to have a Hollywood

for the first time ever this is more like us I think ok we're back on board Natalie after getting to 60 last June I decided I needed to become more adventurous and break out from my usual timid life I attended a local spa for the deed in question but was dismayed to be greeted by a therapist who looked no more than 12. anyhow i dutifully undressed as directed

careful to hide graying knickers under clothes feeling terrified and mortified i got into the position of a frog as described by the therapist i asked her if she had done a lot of these treatments she looked so young don't worry she cackled it's not my first rodeo. Oh! Yeah. This happened last year and I'd never heard that expression before. Keeping my eyes closed and with weird visions of cowboy hats circulating, the terrifying deed was done. It was awful, very painful, and I was not reassured at all by the therapist shouting, you ought to see my Hollywood.

Thank God this threat was not carried out. Never again. Hearing you talk of It's Not My First Radio in one of your previous podcasts brought the awful experience back to me, but I couldn't help chuckle listening to you two that day. Well, Natalie, that is a very brave thing. Yeah, thank you, Natalie. To do at the age of 60.

But can we ask what inspired her to do it? Well, she doesn't say. No, she doesn't. No. She just wanted to do something a little bit different. So, yeah, I mean, go go for it whatever floats your boat how long do you feel the benefit i don't know i i think everybody's hair grows at a different pace that's it yeah okay regardless of where it is on the body and if i i don't know i mean somebody know. It's not my area of expertise, this, Jane. Listen, you and I could set up a beauty parlour.

When this all packs in, I suggest that we start some sort of treatment parlour. I think it could pay off. I don't think I want to be a part of that at all. I really admire waxing therapists because I think these days they must have to really see the unseeable and good luck to them and we'll leave it at that. Sometimes they have to wax the unwaxable

probably, which perhaps isn't very easy. Do you know what, the disposable knickers, to my dying day I won't know which way round they go. I just don't understand that at all. Do you think well-known Bake Off judge Paul do you think he it's quite a surname isn't it? Do you think well-known Bake Off judge Paul... Do you think he... It's quite a surname, isn't it?

Do you think that's where his family's surname... Stop it! Because you're a glover, aren't you? I know, we made gloves. Now, Matt Chorley is a well-known Times Radio host

and he has a feature every Wednesday when some other colleague, some other disc jockey at the station has to go in and just keep him company. I just think he gets a bit lonely. It's about 11.30. It's called The Coffee Break. You've done it. Yes, we all take it in turns.

And when you chat to Matt for a couple of minutes during his, I have to say, extremely good mid-morning show here on Times Radio, 10 till 1, politics heavy, but so fun. Honestly, it really is top notch. When you do this chat with Matt, you have to supply some music. And I chose for my session with him this week, a fabulous song from the 1980s, Dance Yourself Dizzy by the group Liquid Gold.

And Philip has emailed to say, Jane that's a fantastic song and it was written by a friend of mine Eddie Siago he also wrote the words to Eviva España and many other huge hits, he's 84 and he lives very happily in Boca Raton in Florida, is that right?

I've got no idea, I think it's probably Boca Raton, I don't think it would be Raton, no it wouldn't be Boca Raton in Florida. Is that right? I've got no idea. I think it's probably Boca Raton. Raton? I don't think it would be French. Boca Raton in Florida. He said, listen, this bloke's made a shed load of money. He's moved to Florida. Or maybe he's American. I don't know.

He was thrilled, said Philip, when I told him that you'd chosen it for your coffee break. It was nice to hear it again. It's a cracking disco track. Good song. It only got to number two. So come on, let's see if we can revive song and it got to number two uh so come on let's see if we can revive it and get it to number one it's never too late do you want let's because

otherwise uh people are going to have uh eviva hispania in their heads and that i'm sure the lyrics are great from eddie but god that's an annoying tune yeah Yeah, but to me, it sums up the jauntiness of Spain, whereas there's no equivalent song about France, much as I love it. Well, but surely in the back catalogue of Jeanne Hélène, there's any number of very, very French tunes. Yeah, but not as cheery and welcoming and woo! No, they're all cheery and welcoming and woo! No, they're all moody and smoking fags and doing unspeakable things. There'd be that Serge Gainsborough one.

That would be the French kind of pop anthem, would it? Ooh. Da-da-da-da-da, et cetera. We can't hum for too long because we don't pay PRS on this podcast. So shall I take your mind away with a brouh't pay PRS on this podcast. So, shall I take your mind away with a bra or a dog and a newborn? Oh, definitely, because I love this. This comes in from Liz.

You find me feeding my nine-week-old, recovering from my dog walk this morning. I thought you'd like to know you accompanied me during the moment I realised I'd lost my dog's lead and was faced with a 15-minute road walk back to our house, baby in the carrier and definitely not strong enough to carry Dylan the dog home. I futilely looked around,

trying to work it out if I could use a contraption of ivy and branches, and then resigned myself to fashioning a makeshift lead. Sadly, no laces, no belt, so I was left with just one option, my bra. I placed my sleepy nine-week- week old on the floor whipped my bra off and tied the dog with it it was a sheepish power walk home as each nursing club cup blew in the wind i'm wondering how else bras have been used in an emergency good on you it is what your maternity leave is for this kind of stuff or if it was a breastfeeding adult brain that made me do

this was there an alternative thank you for keeping me company during these long old days they are long days liz aren't they they really are and you can't kind of guarantee when your sleep's going to come and how long you can sleep for and do you know what my lovely you're you're doing very well to be out of the house with a nine week old and a dog as well really are so you use your bra however you like liz honestly she's right but i love the idea of the wind just sort of taking the probably quite prodigious cup of your nursing bra and just blowing it up i bet you got home in record time only detail missing there is the dog's name d Dylan. Oh, sorry, you've done that. What's the baby called?

We don't know. Oh, you see? So maybe her brain isn't quite as sharp as it used to be. She's got her priorities right. Right. Sarah says, hi there, gals. A little informal, Sarah, but we'll allow it. I had to email you after listening to your interview

with Ryan Tuberdy on yesterday's show. We can't do it. So when did we have him on? We had him on, I think, on Tuesday. Sarah says, I laughed out loud when I heard you butcher his name. The reason is that my

late father couldn't stand him. Oh, dear. He referred to him as that long tube of toothpaste. The name Tuberty is pronounced tub as in bathtub, not tube as in tube of toothpaste. So I still haven't got it right, have I? I don't know. Hence the reason he's affectionately known in Ireland as Tubbs. I could also hear my father saying from beyond the grave, there I told you so. If Fee and Jane call him a tube of toothpaste, well, he must be. I don't know if you're fully aware of the

controversy surrounding him in Ireland. Well, we sort of are, but obviously it's not something we discuss endlessly. But suffice to say that in the summer of 2023, Ireland was divided into two distinctive camps, Love Tubbs and Hate Tubbs. The whole nation was consumed by the RTE and Tubbs affair. He was most definitely Marmite in Ireland for a long time, but that's a story for another day. OK.

Yeah, we didn't have time to go into all that, but it was basically an issue around the Irish broadcaster RTE and their pay structure, I think I'm right in saying. So I think that they had publicly deflated the amount of money that Tubbs was being paid. He wasn't alone,

was he? No, he wasn't alone at all. And he had played no part in that. He had not said, don't tell them what I'm being paid. RTE had decided to just create a figure and was reprimanded for that. Yes, indeed. So controversy around broadcasters is by no means confined to the UK. This one comes in from Jane, who says, I wonder what listeners call their parents. Now, I really love this one. Mummy, daddy, mum, dad their parents. Now, I really love this one. Mummy, daddy, mum, dad, mama, papa, ma, pa, mother. You get the idea. Is it age related or do you think it's class related? And I'll do that just for Jane. Do you think it's class related? I called my

parents mummy and daddy until I got married and then I called them by their names. My brother, on the other hand, continued to call them mummy and daddy until they died aged 90. And does anyone call their parents mater and pater? Well, that is a delicious little topic to chuck out to our hive mind, Jane. And there was a really fantastic podcast series recently called Ghost Story. Did you listen to that? I started it. I don't know why I couldn't get into it. So it was quite a complicated story. Not be why i couldn't get into about a family i thought it was beautifully told and not to give away too much the ending maybe put your fingers in your ears if you're intending to listen to it at some stage what it ended up revealing was just how invisible

a woman's life as the victim of murder became because people were so obsessed with who the murderer was, not who she was in her lifetime. So I really enjoyed it by the end of it. But the main protagonist in this story of murder is called affectionately within the family, Fader. And there was something so... It just makes my vertebrae crunch. So this is a family's kind of colloquial way of saying father. They called him Feather, which just

seems so pretentious. And there was a wonderful moment where the guy who's telling the story goes along to the very respected policewoman who the prime suspect character is based on. And forgive me for not remembering her name, but she's a fantastic woman. And he's interviewing her and telling her a little bit about the story. And he says, you know, he's referred to within the family as Father. And she just says, I can't say that.

I just can't. I'm not going to use that. That's ridiculous. Or worse. I totally get that. I loved her for saying it because it's such a favour it's just horrible and I think mater and pater

I don't know I insist on mater but do you use mummy and daddy? I don't use mummy I call my parents mum and dad and my children call me by a number of names. Do they?

But they sometimes really call me Jane, which I really find that annoying. Do they? Yeah. Interesting. And that's something they've started doing, I think, purely to irritate. Actually, or they call me Ma. They don't call me mum. Do they not?

No. Gosh, I'm always mum. And I always call my mum mum. Dad was always dad. I can't remember ever saying mummy and daddy actually oh i think we will have done when we were when we were tiny but not in in kind of vaguely adult life no no not no no not no definitely no and i it gives me a little bit of an it when i hear adult people call their very elderly parents mommy and daddy so that's just that's an interesting thing and we'd definitely take uh kind of nicknames and stuff like that that would be intriguing and and i'm sorry if you know fayther is a very who was

that email from favorite things from jane yeah jane um i think she's on to something because i i think there's always a story. There are probably lots of stories behind what people call their parents. So tell us. I think it's a really interesting question. And I think it's like one of these things they say about British people. As soon as a British person opens their mouth, if it's a first meeting, the other person is making a string of assumptions about them. And I suspect that there's probably something about what you call your parents or what your children call you.

It gives people an indication of how things are, shall we say. Interesting. So, yes, put those down on an email. Jane and Fee at Times.Radio. Janie Godley, who, if you don't know and you should know, is a comedian from Glasgow. But she's a lot, lot more than that. She is a genuine national treasure, I think we'll call her that. She survived sexual abuse during a really tough childhood, and then made the decision to become a stand-up. She is never more than a nanosecond away from

another social media storm. She has been in the past a vocal supporter of the SNP, and she does scandalise gentlefolk every now and again with her choice of exceedingly ripe language. Her new book is Janie, the Woman That Won't Shut Up, and it's an account of all sorts of things in her life, including her recent ovarian cancer diagnosis. So I asked Janie Godley how she is right now. I have got quite a high CA125 number which indicates that the cancer is active but my scan keeps coming up clear which means it's in there somewhere and it's going to have to show its face for us to treat it again so I'm on immunotherapy just now and I get that every three weeks and it goes in a cannula in my hand. Physically, I feel fine, but it's terminal and I'm still just living with it.

I'm just waiting for it to say I'm here and then we can treat it again. But until then, it's a waiting game. And psychologically, how is that for you you get exhausted worrying about it to be honest I think it's like if you were hanging off a cliff with your fingers um and you and you had a bit to stand on so you could stand there after about 25 minutes you would get bored worrying about it and think of something else your brain can't cope with just constantly worrying I go worry worry worry oh I wonder what George Clooney's wearing worry worry worry worry oh god I think the dog needs a pee

so your brain doesn't allow you to focus on that for too long. You are, would you describe yourself as a workaholic? I mean, your schedule. Yeah, okay, well, I mean, so is that a help in this situation? Yeah, I've always been a worker. I've been a grafter since I was 16. I come from a very poverty-ridden family, a place of insecurity, financial insecurity,

food insecurity so to me working is incredibly important and um it also keeps me going I love my job comedy's dead dead easy I don't find it difficult so I'm working tonight I've got a sold out show tonight so I'm going to do that after I do this um and I enjoy being on stage I mean when it gets to the point where I can't get up the stairs like like the old hooker once said it's not the job it's the stairs so can he make the stairs I might say oh well I'm done now you know and do you think your audience um is there a kind of well they're not a sympathy audience are they they're not turning up because they feel sorry for you oh god no my

audience are the crankiest sharpest funniest I have an incredibly loyal fan base who don't just turn up to see a woman with cancer walking about a stage because who would pay 25 quid for that you know that's insanity no they enjoy the comedy and the show isn't about cancer so you know I just do a wee tiny bit at the top to reiterate the symptoms of ovarian

cancer and so far 63 women have contacted me and said that they got checked out and caught it at stage one or two so it's a good job doing that. Well let's not waste the opportunity tell us what are those symptoms we should watch out for? The symptoms is bloating well every woman is bloated the second symptom is going to the toilet and peeing too much well every woman I know pees too much but it was the third symptom that um Julia Bradbury put up in a tweet that

saved my life and that was when you go to eat you feel full and you can't eat and I was not able to eat and and I came home and I went to the doctors and they had a feel at my tummy sent me for a scan the very next day god bless Scottish NHS and they had a feel at my tummy, sent me for a scan the very next day. God bless the Scottish NHS. And they found it. And the reason that I can't eat because I'm full is because my abdomen is full of fluid. They took out three litres of fluid. So with ovarian cancer, you get quite a lot of fluid.

And it's not always. But if you have those symptoms, get it checked. Go to your doctor and say the words, can you check me for ovarian cancer? So we're no mistaken what we're doing here. And before all this, were you aware of those symptoms? Was it something you knew about? No. Never heard of it. Wasn't until Julia Bradbury put the tweet up.

I remember sitting in Aberdeen, reading it and going, that's exactly what's wrong with me. And going, oh my God, I have cancer of ovarian cancer and I was right I did in uh your new book and I appreciate this this isn't your memoir you've written already a highly successful and a really important book called handstands in the dark but this is which I do urge people to read but this is a a new memoir and yes in it you talk about the cancer and much else besides but I was really struck Janie by the treatment that you had and in particular the kindness that was shown to you by the woman who helped you shower. God she'll stay with me forever

she'll stay with me but tell us about it. She was as we say in Glasgow she was the height of tuppence she was just wee I mean I'm wee so she was smaller than me and I had just had the hysterectomy and if you ever want to feel like a spatchcock chicken that's how you do it and I'm lying there in the bed and I've got tubes community literally lots of orifices tube up my nose tube down my throat a tube taking the pee out me I have got tubes draining the fluid I just was like a squishy bag of tubes and this wee woman came up and she said to me we're going to get you up for a shower I went I can't I don't know I'm just covered in tubes and she went I'll be fine and I just started to cry. She went, come on, out the bed. And I, to this day, there is no David Copperfield mystic magic

can make me understand how that wee woman got me into a toilet, got all my pyjamas off with all the tubes and bags and still managed to get me into a shower. And I stood there naked holding these bags and tubes and I just cried my eyes out. And she stood me under the shower.

She went, I'm not going to wash your hair. You've got too much hair. And she washed my back as I washed my front. And then I just cried my eyes out. And she went, it's going to be fine. Come on. She sat me down and she said to me, brush your teeth. And I was so dazed that I brushed my teeth with Clarins.

She's like, that's no toothpaste. We had a good laugh, but she just held me as I cried, dried me like a baby, put all the clothes back on, clean clothes over all these tubes, and walked me back into bed. And it was the most tender act of human kindness that I had ever came across. And she does that every day for men and women probably on minimum wage and she was the loveliest and she combed my hair and washed all my tears and everything I just thought if you when you're born and they lift you out of your mammy's womb and

they wrap you up that was a kint of that, it was that rebirthing of I'm now coming out of this and it was just so tender and loving and I still don't know how she managed to get all the tubes and bags I'm really glad you were able to retell that story because I can't stop thinking about it either

but for people listening to Times Radio Janie or to the podcast who think well Janie sounds a very pleasant lady. I can't believe she's ever caused offence. You are someone who has, how can I put it? I mean, you have caused absolute outrage, haven't you, in your time? And you get such dogs abuse from all quarters. Can you? No, it's mostly from rac racists a lot of racists hate me even the racists hate you you know you're doing it well yes um how is there anywhere you're

not prepared to go in your comedy or in your use of social media i will always go where freedom of speech allows me to go. I have made jokes about the rape that I suffered. I have made jokes about my mother's murder. These are my lived experience. And if I'm not allowed to make jokes about them, then let me tell you, every white man standing on stage isn't allowed to tell jokes about them. This is my lived experience and I get to talk about it however I like. And it is offensive. But then, Jane, every joke is offensive. A man walked into a bar. I know people who were killed in a bar.

That's offensive. You know, a chicken crossed the road. My mummy died going across the road to get a chicken. Somebody could say. So every joke is offensive. And I'm determined to keep telling them. But back in the day, or maybe even now, men could say things, but it's never quite as easy for women. Is that still the case?

It is still the case. I mean, you still get the women shouldn't swear, but men can. And that's not just the case. I mean, you still get the women shouldn't swear, but men can. And that's not just that case. That's mostly a class issue. You know, I've always told that I was too sweaty and too foul-mouth be fine as long as you're saying it in a sweet accent. It sounds like I really mean it when I say it so I think that's what upsets them. Your Donald Trump protests were, I mean there was a beauty in the simplicity of them Janie I'm going to say. Yes, I think it's important to be simplistic when you're dealing with Donald. Well I think you might be right. Again for people who don't know, I'm just going to paraphrase so we don't have to repeat the rudest word of all.

Although, of course, that's a debate in itself. Why is it the rudest? You don't have to say the word. No, but why is it the rudest word? It shouldn't be, should it really? But anyway. It's just a noise, isn't it? It's just a noise you're making with your mouth.

It is. I'll tell you what the rudest word of all is. Foodbank. We shouldn't have to keep saying the word food bank. We should be feeding the poorest and the most needy. Why is that more of an offence to humanity than just a word? We'll get onto your politics in a minute. You've already strayed in that direction. But your Donald Trump protest, you just stood there when he was visiting his golf course, I think it was. Yes.

And your poster said, Trump is a, you know, insert word. And you were, well, the Secret Service, they tried to arrest you, didn't they? But the Scottish police weren't having it. No, I don't know if it was the Secret Service. I think it was his own detail because he wasn't present at the time so he wouldn't have any protection but they came down a few times and the Scottish police are like away you go, beat it you idiot, which I love

the Scottish police are like they cannae arrest you you know they can keep saying it's wrong and they told me just to put the sign down every time somebody came near, which I did they were implicit in it as well they were laughing you know and they thought it was funny. And occasionally when we'd go, Janie, put that down,

I was like, okay. And then I would hide the C word and just say Donald Trump. And, you know, I think you've got to be provocative when you're dealing with a big, horrible, racist piece of work that is Donald. You are a supporter of the SNP. I think you've always... I mean, when did that start with you?

Was that a childhood thing or an adolescent thing? No, I think it was an adult thing when I decided I'm much more a supporter of independence as opposed to just, you know, I support the SNP, but I would be happy if every party supported independence, especially in these times when you're seeing the mess that is being made throughout the country and the Tories losing so many seats.

There is people losing faith in them. But all politics has got its shelf life as far as I'm concerned. The SNP recently has completely imploded and I don't know how they're going to recover from the mess that they're in. I can't believe I was making jokes about a caravan and a clicky pen and it turned out that, you know, they said that Nicola stole and made a caravan

and sold a caravan. It's like, all we need is a guy called Frank to turn up and I'm leaving the country. We need to be clear, of course, that Nicola Sturgeon's not been charged with anything and her husband has been charged. Yes, I'm being facetious. Yeah, no, I know, I know. I'm just covering everybody.

No, clarify the legality. You know, when it came out in the papers, there was rumours about Nicola and the caravan and the expensive pens and things i couldn't stop laughing i'm like why why is this happening well does that get a laugh from the audience at your comedy games oh yes yes i mean my audience are by and large smp and independent supporters but down in england where i work they're not I just did an English tour this year and every single audience turned up and they don't care about independence, they just care about comedy.

But yeah, they laugh because you're allowed to take the pee out of politicians, whether they're SNP or whether they're Tories or whether they're Labour or whether they're Greens or whether they're just Nigel Farage trying to find a political party, you're allowed to take the pee out of them. So do you think that Scotland will achieve independence in the next decade? I hope they do. But as things are going, I see on the ground of people talking about politics, in my circle who were always very pro-SMP, pro-independence, a lot

of them have stopped paying their subs and saying the roads are a mess, we have got a terrible problem. I'll tell you, it takes you getting a hernia to figure out how many potholes there is in your street. Ow, ow, ow, ow, all the way.

We have a lot of problems with the roads and stuff and a lot of disillusionment in the SNP fighting about subjects that are important, but there is more important things to be dealing with. Can we talk about the trans issue? Did it just become bigger than it actually is quite frankly i think it did become bigger than it actually is i support trans people they are a very very small percentage of you know the community that we all live in but apparently they're the most spoke about you know i i think that people speak more about trans people than they do about potholes the trans issue became such a potent negative big thing where people are obsessed with toilets and

you know people are obsessed with trans people and what really gets me is as if one trans person does something wrong that's it all trans people are devils and today in the news there is a cisgender female school teacher was on remand um in england for trying to abuse a boy has got pregnant by another school boy nobody assumes that all female cisgender school teachers are out hunting their teenage boys it's that's the actual definition of bigotry is when you take one example and use it to smear everybody and that i don't like i mean of course there is dangerous trans people of course there is dangerous straight people but like me and you i'm sure we'll both agree, we'd still rather be with a bear in the woods than a straight man in the dark. I'd still take my chances with a bear.

Well, I mean, unfortunately, ain't that the truth? What I was genuinely shocked by in this book, Janie, is that you not only now have a dog, but you take the dog out in a pram. Now, is this correct, genuinely? the dog out in a pram. Now, is this correct, genuinely? Yes, I had her out today in the pram. She's a wee tiny sausage dog who's got HMIA, which is a blood disorder. She can only walk two mile. She's a rehome. She's my husband's wee support dog. He's got autism and she looks after him and he looks after her. She has never been out on the ground before people's footfall frightener so we didn't know what to do because every time I took her out

she was terrified because the people who owned her before me kept her in the house but we're very outdoor people so I thought I'll get a pram and everybody went don't get a pram honey loves the pram you say the word pram i've just said it and she sat up on the sofa and went am i going to the pram she loves the pram put her in the pram i'll take her to the park make her walk for two miles put her back in the pram which means i've got some stability as well she loves the pram okay people say weird things they're like why is your dog in a pram I'm like because we killed the baby we didn't like and we just put a dog in instead yeah yeah um when people just maybe look on a search engine about you as they might do after this conversation um I you

know I've interviewed a lot of people over the years I've spoken to lots of people in my life but you have been through a shed load of grief in your life there must have been moments when you just thought to yourself for God's sake why me

it seems to be unending I think it's been well spaced out. Oh, has it? Okay. Yeah, so that's helped. I was abused as a child and raped and tortured by my uncle. And then my mother was murdered by her violent ex-boyfriend who'd been in jail for attacking another woman.

He'd tried to kill her before. And then my brother got HIV. He was a drug addict and then um I get cancer and then I became a comedian oh god I don't know it's been well spaced out no I actually think on reflection that I had quite a good life when I speak to my friends who are all lovely middle-class women who all had families that were very clean because mine's was really quite dirty who had lovely nice clean lives and nice socks and pants and went to school in a clean uniform and weren't hunting for food and bins they had lives that

you know my parents despite all the madness, loved me. I mean, my dad told me he loved me every day right up until he died. My mom was absolutely crazy lady and she had a lot of problems. But, oh, my God, she was a great communicator and we had lots of laughs. And she was a voracious reader and we used to read books together. There's a lot in it that is really good and isn't all bad. Had I been emotionally abused constantly and distanced by my parents and they never really spoke to me but they made sure i wasn't abused and gave me a dinner

would that have made my life better i don't know um i mean you're right it's a really interesting point my husband's parents didn't abuse him but he can't even remember a conversation he had with his ma she died when he was 13 or 15 he doesn't remember any conversations no god whereas i could tell you 100 things that annie told me and my dad yeah i mean it was all messed up as well but we had great fun janie godley talking at the end of the conversation there about her own childhood and actually we were talking earlier about what you call your parents and and it's funny that Janie adds ends that chat really just by talking about yes it was deprived yes her childhood was chaotic there was awful violence there was sexual abuse because her uncle had sexually abused her but she can still find the positives and she feels that she was

loved and that she's met quite a few people along Life's Highway who can't remember a single half amusing thing or a warm incident from their childhood at all. So it may not have contained the abuse and the violence and the other stuff that she had to put up with. There was love there that she can remember. Yeah, she's got solid muscle memory of the love that was definitely there. She's so funny, isn't she? She's a properly, properly funny-boned woman.

She is a very funny-boned woman. She also said things in that interview we had to cut out, not because we didn't find them funny, because we did. They were just all too controversial, Jane. They were. So exciting guests next week include Elizabeth Hurley. I can't believe it. Yep.

So I'm coming in tomorrow. Eve's coming in tomorrow. We're doing that. And it will go out. When will that go out? On Wednesday. Who are our other guests next week, Eve? Declan Lorne.

Oh, so Declan Lorne, who's the writer behind Blue Lights. He is, we've already done that interview. He's a cracking person to talk to. Oh, that'd be good. Properly knows his stuff. Really enjoyed that chat. So that's going out next week too. And...

Tina Brown. Tina Brown. God, we've got some good names. Tina Brown's in town. Yeah, Tina Brown, brilliant. I had a really good chat to her about her, well, about the royals, a bit of royal chat in there,

and about journalism, the future of, discuss. So lots to look forward to next week but also for tomorrow you can look forward if you're a regular listener to offer to an additional bumper bonus email pod well done so you've been hoping that some of your correspondence has made it into offer it might be your chance and we do read every single email that comes in. And if we could read every single one of them out, we would. But we just can't. So email specials will come your way.

We pack in as much as is humanly possible. And coming very soon, Fee's podcast, Poetry, No Thanks. Poetry, I'd rather not. I'm sorry. I will certainly subscribe. Right. Have a good, well, only a good day because we're back tomorrow in podcast land. Take care.

You did it. Elite listener status for you for getting through another half hour or so of our whimsical ramblings. Otherwise known as the hugely successful podcast Off Air with Jane Garvey and Fee Glover. We missed the modesty class. Our Times Radio producer is Rosie Cutler, the podcast executive producer.

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