Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Popping your hedonism in the bedside table

Episode Date: November 3, 2025

Happy Monday - Jane Garvey is back! She and Fi are happily reunited to discuss naming household items, the danger of the sausage roll, searching for the next royal family, and the cushion of challenge. We've announced our next book club pick! 'Just Kids' is by Patti Smith. You can listen to the playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3qIjhtS9sprg864IXC96he?si=uOzz4UYZRc2nFOP8FV_1jg&pi=BGoacntaS_uki.If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What happened at the beginning? I don't know, I did, but I'm enjoying it. Oh, threesomes. That's where it started. I said threesomes, and you suddenly brought in the Reverend Richard Coles. Alarming. Not least for him. I'm not sure we really want this for the previous podcast, but it would just be that he couldn't, like, his torture.

I see. We're talking about. dogs. It's all right, everybody. Calm, calm down. So this is because Jane's back, the OG's back. So we've got quite a lot to catch up on and the gallery of cones of shame is just a thing of complete joy. Many dogs these days and cats are wearing, what do we call it, the cushion of challenge rather than the cone of shame. One of them looked really lovely. There was a kind

of acid yellow foam one, which I think was worn by the gentleman dog who'd been paying too much attention to part of his anatomy? Well, I think when dogs are castrated or cats are castrated, you do have to put them in a cone, don't you? Because otherwise, they would do quite a lot of licking. So, I don't know where to go with this. No, I think we end it, we end it right there. I think we do. And it's the same just to be equal, just to be gender, whatever about it. It's the same when a cat's spade, isn't it? You have to give them a cone, because otherwise they try and pull their stitches out. Welcome back. It's great to be here. Actually, it is great to be here.

Now, are you okay and is everything all right up in the Crosby, Aintree, Liverpool area? Yes. Well, we do talk a little bit about what's actually going on in our lives. My mom is 91 and she had quite a bad fall. It's broken her hip, so she's in hospital. So that has meant that for the last week I've been my dad's flatmate. Now, this has been both wonderful and challenging. Do you think he should go and live with the Pope?

I think we might have to do a swap. And in fairness, Dad, of course, cannot, he doesn't know about the podcast. So I've got, and I want to look after them both, obviously, and respect their privacy. And indeed, respect the privacy of some of the lovely people I've met over the last week. Because, but, you know, the kindness of strangers is a real thing. And in a kind of hospital environment, you come across all sorts of people, some of whom are having the worst day of their lives. And others are just going about their bit. They're working there. And we've all got issues and we've all got challenges. But on the whole,

everybody's been just lovely. Good. And not just in the hospital, but cab drivers. So I got a phone call last, and so many people listening will be able to relate to this. Not just when you've got elderly parents, when you've just got anyone that you care about in your life and you get a phone call and it couldn't have been at a worst time. So Sunday afternoon, I've been to the pub. I'd had a few drinks but not thank goodness you know not too many to travel no not too many to travel but you know to hear okay so you can't look

okay I'm coming so you know get to Liverpool I don't know if anybody remembers the weather last Sunday it was really wet squawly of course the clocks had gone back so it was dark it was such a miserable experience and I've got to say I got to Houston all the destinations

on the big notice board and inevitably it just said Liverpool train delayed and you just think Anyway, got there. And just, you know, a bloke helped me with my bags. The guard was really, it was just, people were just nice. Could they tell you who are a vulnerable woman under the influence? They could hear the conversations I was having on the phone.

And, you know, people, on the whole people are nice, aren't they? That's the overwhelming message I've got from this week. And I think it's fine to ask you this because we've already had this conversation so nobody would think that I'm just being prying or whatever. But your mum's okay, isn't she? Yeah, she is okay. I mean, I'm under no illusions, and I don't think she is either. It's tough. It's really tough to get over an operation like that. And I'm being realistic, but she's all right, yeah. Do you think now would be a good time for her and your dad to start listening to the podcast? As you know, I think, well, your mum tried it too, that neither of them have liked it because they don't like the laughter. Yeah, no, my mum just said, it's not for me.

That's pretty much what my mum said, so that's absolutely fine. I just, yeah, it's tricky, isn't it? Well, you know, I've got the only, well, no, it's not the only bit of advice I've got this week. But my dad and I, first of all, it's brilliant that we have a shared interest in football because at least we can sit and watch the football. Thank God for that, I really mean that. Also, bless him, it's turned out he's actually very good at doing the washing and ironing. So he has, he's had a role and he's been very good at it.

But there was a moment, I think it was Tuesday morning, can't really remember now. We were trying to get the washing machine working and there appeared to be sort of a mine. And I just wish that months ago I'd sat down with one or both of them and talked and let them talk me through how their washing machine works.

So it's an idiotic bit of information. But if you are in a similar situation, if you've got old parents, just know how their white goods work just in case you have to work them yourself. Shouldn't there be a pretty universal approach to a washing machine. God, you'd think so, wouldn't you?

And obviously now you can get the handbook online and all the rest of it. There are various things you can do, but it was just, that for some reason, that was the thing that was the thing. It was, yeah, it was the thing. There is always something. There's always something.

There's not always the big thing. Exactly. It's the little mundane thing in the real world that just tips you over the edge because in fact your adrenaline kind of carries you through all of the big stuff and having important conversations, you know, with, important medical officials and stuff

but yeah you know it's just not be able to work the bloody vending machine in the hall which you can see people losing their fruit loops over and you understand why and in one of the proudest moments of my life and I mean this last week I was able to help a couple use the vending machine at the hospital but that sounds very unlikely

no I think you started making things up now no my sister said but you can't do anything I said no no but I had learned how to do it honestly it was such a thrill because they were obviously having a tough day did they get what they wanted Yes, I think so. I think they did. Were they after a topic bar, but they got a sanitary tale?

It's difficult in hospitals. Well, both are useful. That's for damn sure. Anyway, that was last week, and my sister has swapped. We've swapped roles, so she's gone up there this week. But I'm sure people will understand, because so many people will have been through it. So we're not entirely certain what's going to happen, obviously. But, you know, things could be so much worse.

Yes. They really could. And we will carry on doing the podcast, weren't we? as you know for when it's feasible but completely understandably there might be a few absent days along the way and we will all manage when we will all group together

in our lovely lovely community and I'm sure that everybody just wishes your mum and your dad well thank you well no it's it's you know what it's so lovely to be back because I went to the coffee morning at the sheltered housing on Friday fee with my dad I've got to say I really enjoyed it

and that is a concern no I think that's great No, I do think that's great. It's lovely, but, you know, I didn't think I was quite ready for it yet. But then I looked at the social calendar for the next couple of weeks, and I thought, quite comforting. So do you what, that's such an interesting thing, because actually I remember going to see my granny when she was in a nursing home,

and she lived to be 97, so she had a very, very long life. And she was at a nursing home in Oxford, and I would only have been in my late 20s, maybe early 30s. And it was the first time I'd ever been in a residential care home. And you don't forget, do you? You don't forget at all and it was always lovely to go and see her and I remember walking in

and not really knowing what to expect at all I think probably thinking to rather expect the worst but I did remember thinking well I've got an affinity with this actually this will be all right not kind of bring it on at the age of 32 but there's something I think it must be incredibly difficult

for people who just would never have that ability to feel comfortable in a communal residential setting. Because undoubtedly some people just don't have it, do they? You know, they always want their independence. They want their freedom. They want their adventure. They find it very difficult being around other people all the time. But I actually thought, well, no, this is really nice. You know, I wouldn't be fearful of this kind of community at all. No, I don't think people should be fearful of that kind of community. I can understand why you'd be fearful of becoming vulnerable, I think that's

probably... Oh, God, no, totally. Losing your dignity and all that stuff. Yeah, no, I'm not saying bring it on, but you know what I mean? I think for a certain type of person, it must be incredibly difficult to join a sheltered housing or a residential community or nursing care. A lot of people don't, or they can't find one

close to them, but I've become, I think they're rather good ideas if you've got one near you. And of course there are all sorts of factors, service charges, and all the rest of it's not for everybody. It can't be for everybody sadly. They are good places. Did you hand around the biscuits at the coffee

morning or did you just take the biscuits? I just ate everything and I was also just incredibly young and vibrant and that felt good for it did feel but that's the other thing isn't it? I mean if you check in in your late 50s as many of these places they advertise themselves as being for the over 55 Oh I know! I could be well in there. A place down the road

in London Fields I mean at the age of 55 I still had a kid in primary school and it was close to the primary school and it was the problem. Or did I have a person in private school? No, no, I'm exaggerating. Well, not by much. Not by much.

I mean, I will just say that as always in situations like this, there are moments of proper humour and I'm not going to mention other patients of course I would never dream of doing that but you are exposed to the very personal lives of total strangers and indeed their families.

And lots of, there's only sort of relatively small number of people on the ward. And I think almost everybody, though not everybody, has visitors. And that's really sad when you realise that those afternoons drift by for some people with no one with them, which is really, really sad. But most people did have visitors and in a desperate attempt to keep the conversation going because it's not easy. I mean, actually you and I, we can keep a conversation going. But some of these very vulnerable folk in the beds and in the chairs are not, you know,

they haven't got the energy to talk. So any number of visitors were trying to think of different things to talk about with the person they were visiting. And Andrew came up as the only, there was nothing else topical was discussed, not even the weather, but there were any number of attempts to galvanise the patients to feel something about what had happened to Andrew. and there were sparks of interest from I did notice that everybody reacted in some way to the news that he was no longer a prince

so I found that quite heartening we haven't really talked about Andrew have we on the podcast recently he's funny because he has been a very long-running thing and it started off and it was my fault in a sort of faintly comic way because you'd had a teenage crush on him

and he'd been posted up on your bedroom wall and you'd had high hopes that maybe he would be his wife. I mean, that's a narrow escape, is it? God. Do you imagine? I feel, it was the only, well, I'm delighted that finally, action has been taken, but finally is the,

it's where we put the emphasis, isn't it? We certainly are putting the emphasis on that, and I think over the weekend, there seems to have been really, it's a definite change in deference, isn't it? And it's one of those things, Jane, that now it's happened. I think it does make an awful lot of people look back and go, why have we not done this before? So I know quite a few people are very keen to say, you know, the king, their majesties, as the statement said, have now kind of

acted at speed, but it's not at speed. It's really, really not. It's been a slow moving car crash for three decades and now aren't we entitled to look back and question so many other parts of that man's life so the fact that he has been acting as an ambassador around the world for this country whilst all of this has been going on and we always say he vigorously denies the allegations and that needs to be in every statement but also you can vigorously deny the allegations but you were still there and there's you know just absolute proof that he was was part of Jeffrey Epstein's life and he really could have given more evidence

and he's been called to give more evidence in the past and he hasn't. So why has that been allowed to slip by as well? So I hope it's like cleaning the camera lens and now all that thug and that grease of deference and obsequiousness actually has been removed. Can we not start being really clear about a lot of things that are going on and also just in the wider family?

I don't think the sins of the father should always be visited on the children at all. But if you're making your living out of contacts that have been made by somebody who doesn't seem to have been making the right contacts, you have a voice and you could say something too. I'll stop now. Yes, I wonder where this will go. It could be the beginning of something absolutely seismic, or it might just melt away into the media ether,

but it doesn't feel that way at the moment, doesn't it? Well, you're much more in tune with the Royal Family. No, but you enjoy... Yes, do you know, it's a really good point. I enjoy the tittle-tattle element. You do, and you enjoy their lives being there and feeling that they're very much part of the fabric of the country much more than I do.

I've just genuinely struggled with the kind of sense of connection. I don't feel connected to them at all, Jane. So what do you think it means for the future? Well, I'm both gripped by their peculiar. Eccentricities, idiosyncrasies, and allegedly unscrupulous forms of behaviour. But also, I've always been boggled by why more people don't question their money, the amount of it, how it was accrued. How many houses they've got? Would you remember when we interviewed Robert Hardman?

I mean, Robert Hardman is no revolutionary. I mean, I think he'd be the first to admit that. When did I last see Robert? In the Bookies, on Grand National Day, in fact, so bizarre. Anyway, he's a bestselling royal author. isn't he? And he's been on the podcast and on the radio program. And in his most recent book about the king, I mean, he did say he's got 17 houses. I think it was 17. It's an astonishing number. And how is that all right? Yeah, I completely agree, Jay. I don't understand. And when William

comes along and all credit him, he's saying all of the right things about change. Yeah, and he's very concerned about homelessness. Yeah. And I don't doubt it. But it is, but it is, true that he could sell off enormous chunks of land and property and stuff in the Royal Collection. We were talking to Peter James last week, who's written in this fictional account of thefts in the Royal Collection. But it's based on fact that the Royal Collection just has so many items in it. Nobody can be entirely sure where everything is at any one time and it's worth billions. Well, sell the whole lot off love, have a massive great big, big car boot festival and put all of that money give all of that money to people who know what to do with the money in the hope of making this country a better place you could do that and still live your lovely life we would still turn out wouldn't we we're still going to sit on the top of wet buildings and commentate on coronations and funerals well i would but you've now outed yourself for someone who's not that interested so i don't think we're still saying oh no you couldn't be you know peregrin who loses the family estate why are we still saying

saying that. I mean, obviously I've been witness to the, seriously, what is the front line of the NHS at the moment? And you can see the gaping great chasms where members of staff could be possibly. And yes, I do feel particularly strongly at the moment that people with money to burn should be making more of a contribution. But I have, in one of my more wakeful moments over the last coming, sleep hasn't been all that easy to come by. Lovely to be back in my in bed last night, by the way. Isn't it always? Isn't it? It's such a middle-aged farty thing to say, but it's true. No, it's wonderful.

It's just incredible. Anyway, I was thinking that there could be. You could have the ultimate TV reality show where we try to find a new royal family. It's a good idea. So people could just, you know, you probably need realistically. No, I mean

we could be, doesn't need to be heteronormative. I was going to say a man and a woman, but why should it be? And perhaps a couple of kiddies because that would be useful for keeping it going. and you know you could just enter you could enter with write down your family credentials and then we can have a big vote on the telly why not I think that's brilliant

should we go for it let's go for it let's do it and we could be very forgiving of the eccentricities in the family you know if you've got a difficult aunt you can bring them to the party you will need at least one tricky customer very much so in the mix someone who's going to give us a few headlines

and a bit of laugh, a bit of a laugh. Yeah, no, I think this is a winner. In fact, if Channel 4 aren't commissioning it, by this time next week, I will be amazed. Okay. The Royal Family, search continues. Names for kitchen items comes in from Miriam. It's not a kitchen utensil,

but a favourite food stuff we use daily that I have renamed Turkish pepper flakes locally called Paul Bebeer, are known as Justin, as in a little Justin in the sauce. Yes. Having the program. That's very good. That's what I missed last week.

Yeah, no, this is a wonderful, wonderful, deep vein of joy. And you miss, my all-time favorite will be somebody's smart speaker, which is called Nancy Pelosi, because it's the speaker of the house. Oh, brilliant. Isn't that just genius? So what you can actually address it is, you can shout Nancy Pelosi, what's the weather like? I don't know whether they've gone that far. Oh, okay, right.

No, I think they've just nicknamed. Oh, I see. speaker so they probably still have to say should we do it to annoy people Alexa play off air with Jane and Fye because that's how I'm pronounced the only way it responds

very sweet Jane Mulcarens I understand did try to talk about threesomes she did so it was the last email in what had been just because it is quite stressful when our working patterns change so I'd done the afternoon show with Rosie Wright who was amazing she's lovely she had done early breakfast on the Monday is an incredible woman.

She really is incredible. And we're decided that actually it would be great to have somebody else on the afternoon. As a lady. As another lady. Because it was a slightly kind of sudden departure from normal proceedings. So Rosie Wright was fantastic.

I really enjoyed her questions to Richard Coles actually on Thursday. Dickie, the Reverend Dickie. Darling Dickie. What was he on for? Just being Darling Dickie. His drama on Channel 5 is doing well, isn't it? It is really good, Jane.

I really like it. if you like your cosy crime with a decent script and some very good acting I mean as you know preposterous plots of course they are you know there's a

there's a secret font that moves in this door underneath anyway it's very it's highly watchable channel 5 have done very well and actually it's loads better

than some of the ridiculous stuff going out on Netflix and Prime you know where you know that they spend an absolute flipping fortune putting Leo Wattsett on a speedboat and zooming him around the bed and actually you know

the script is just pants. You can't follow the plot. It's just ridiculous. But it looks lovely. Yeah. So Richard was on to talk about that. But because Rosie is a young woman of faith, and obviously he is the man of the cloth,

they had a fantastic conversation about where the Church of England is at the moment. And it was very interesting to listen to. I've completely, I've lost my grip on the handlebars of this. What happened at the beginning? I don't know idea, but I'm enjoying it. Oh, threesomes. That's where it started.

I said threesomes, and you suddenly brought in the Reverend Richard Colesbury. Alarming. Not least for him. Oh God. We all met at Radio 4. God. Honestly, if only Radio 4 was as much fun as we've just made it sound.

God. Sorry. Right. By the time I got to the three-sys email, I just couldn't really. I just hadn't embrace it. I totally understand. I totally understand.

it's worth saying we have some wonderful guests on the program this week on the podcast this week including the woman well no actually we're not going to play it out this week the woman that young eve keeps referring to as petulia Clark it's petula Clark and she's going to I'm going to I think I'm recording the interview tomorrow and then we'll go out next week well in fairness to Eve she's 26th how old are you he 27 now okay so in a 27 year old's lifetime

how often would Petula have punched through? Not at all. Not at all, in all fairness. But actually, back to our semi-regal theme, well, it's not regal anymore, is he, you know who? We have got Lady Glenn Connor on this week, and that is going out this week, isn't it? Now, she, of course, was, of course,

was Princess Margaret's lady-in-waiting, and has made herself, she's having a fabulous time in her later years, and she's come up with another, I'm going to say, easy reader, that is full of little nuggets about her life and times and it would be interesting to see what she has to say about you know who.

Yeah, looking forward to that very much. And David Olusuga is our guest going out on the podcast tomorrow. This is just a chatterama chat fest and a catch-up with Jane. Best dog gift ever. This made me laugh at 6.30 this morning came in from Jane B. I've just had my brother and sister-in-law over from the UK. I live in Sydney and I have done for 30 years now. Now, they very kindly brought me over some wotsits

as I miss them so much. And they also bought this gift over for my dog, Humphrey. He's managed to scalp Donald, which is fine by me. And when I tread on his groin, which has happened a few times, he squeaks. Donald comes from a company called Pet Hates, and I think it's hilarious. So this is a fabric kind of floppy doll of Donald Trump, and when you press his crotch, it squeaks. But also, Humphrey the dog has done some sterling work

because obviously when Donald first arrived he had the slightly mad Donald hair but Humphrey has just chewed it all he's just completely utterly balded Donald Trump and he looks very very pleased of himself for doing that and you've got a lovely picture there isn't life in Australia great

because outside Big Humphrey is in the middle of the shop I can quite clearly see a swimming pool with palm trees are that nice oh yeah I don't think you've got that in East West Kentington I definitely haven't got it in Dalston also a nice rug I think I've got that rug.

Have you? It's kind of... It's like a tufted one, isn't it? I think that's in my bedroom. Have you nicked it? And taking it to Australia. I'm sure that's the one I've got in my bedroom. Isn't that weird

that exactly the same product, which I bought from a very well-known retailer in the UK-based retailer, is also doing the business out there in Sydney. Extraordinary. I don't know why I'm so boggled by that. I mean... I don't know why you're laughing either.

It's international, isn't it? Life is international. Jess says, life is international. I mean, thank God I'm back with sentiments like that. It's just amazing. Hello, Jane Fee and Jamal, says Jess. We got a robot vacuum cleaner last year. I favoured naming him Donald

and making him clean our house regularly, but we thought best to avoid any political controversy because we live in Texas. Uh-oh. Do you actually think that if you did name a robot vacuum cleaner, Donald, there would be trouble with your neighbours in Texas we don't know enough about it Oh I think Texas is

I mean it's an open carry Republican state And they're very maga are they They're very maga Although it's got these pockets Isn't it? Because south by south-west The kind of creativity jaunt that nearly everybody

From the BBC tries to get a ticket to Why are we mentioning the BBC so much I don't know No it's only the second reference Don't worry about But that is in Austin Texas And that's a really kind of liberal place so I don't know

there must be a little bit of frisson going on politically but yeah I'm sure that the MAGA you know the front row Joes who live in Texas Texas they wouldn't be seeing the funny side of any of this would they the front row Joes I remember though they're the people

that go to absolutely everything and yeah yeah every MAGA event they're quite sad aren't they I mean genuinely some of them seem incredibly vulnerable have you seen the Netflix documentary about Hurricane Katrina No. Oh, I know. I went home and my daughter was watching that last night. She also wanted a bit of sympathy for a head cold and I was sorry to say.

Not really, love. She did. It didn't go terrifically well. To be fair, she woke up this morning. She does seem quite ill. No, I feel a bit guilty. Anyway, Jess says, we both enjoy over here in Texas listening to somebody called Anthony Scaramucci and Katie Kay. Yeah, they are good. They're very good indeed. So we settled on calling the robot vacuum cleaner the moon.

The real mooch, once confessed he can't make coffee. So we figured he might need more practice with household chores. No, that's right. He is one of those men who, I find him rather appealing. I've got to be honest, I like him. But he does say that he doesn't do anything sort of of that nature. What, domestic? Yes.

Which in the end, everything comes home to roost. And there will be a time, I hate to break it to Anthony and you will have to make a coffee because someone's going to want you to. You're going to pull your finger out, mate. Is he a multi-married gentleman? Ooh. Do you think maybe some ladies have got to the end of that road with him? I might.

I'm going to say, I think he's on his second marriage. Okay, well, that's not so bad. No, that's fine. We've all been there. Dirty Den is the name of the automatic pool cleaner. Second marriage, yeah, there go. Thank you, Eve. Okay.

Which comes in from Kathleen, who says regarding naming household items. We have a pool cleaner, which we call Dirty Den, old-school EastEnd. In Australia, the previous style of a pool cleaners were referred to as a creepy crawley. So Dirty Den, I feel, is quite apt. There's a good old-school reference, isn't it?

Dirty Den was Leslie Grantham. It certainly was. That's when back in the days when everybody watched that program, I don't know who watches it now. People with time on their hands, I expect. Certainly not me. In praise of Jane Mulcarens, this is from Katie. You haven't read this already, have you?

No. No, it's about hedonism. I'm a stranger to it. Are you? Yes, I am, actually. That's not true. Katie says, I don't know if this is just me or something to do with people my age.

I'm 35. But most people I know these days are all about cutting back, being better behaved, eating healthier, drinking less. It gets very boring to listen to. I so rarely meet somebody who says, you know what, I'm a hedonist.

I enjoy pleasure and I'm unashamed of it. As something of a hedonist myself, although with two tiny kids, this mostly means excessive use of deliveroo. I find Jane Markeran's stance on this extremely refreshing. While she obviously does live in a healthy way with plenty of exercise as I do,

I love that she pursues pleasure in the form of food, drink and fun, and she owns it. She does, doesn't she? She does. And it's brilliant. You're right, Katie, you are. The other thing I often notice about women, and I do mean women, specifically in my age, is that you are still quite reluctant to be bold about our views and opinions

and be forthright about who we are. This is something I value hearing from all three of you. You come across as confident in who you are and what you believe in. I really hope that all the brilliant, youngish women I know learn to embrace this soon. Katie, thank you for that. Do you think we've grown into being gobby, though, or do you think we've always been... I don't know whether 35-year-olds are less opinionated and less forthright than we were at that age. I think there is an element of getting past 50, you're past caring, and you give it your all.

And you're a bit more willing to be judged for your opinions, I think. Yes, I'm always interested in where hedonism has to go further down the line when you have responsibilities. Because you can be as hedonistic as you want to be and like to be. And I think you can find a really, really good place in the world. in this country we're a really really liberal country by comparison to many when it comes to the more kind of lustful pleasures of life actually but when responsibility comes along i think it's so difficult to marry those two things up and i'm not i mean i don't have any answers to it at all i'm not sure it would be the case that if you're a true hedonist things would just kind of

your physiology or your mentality would change. I wonder whether you just learn to kind of lock it down a little bit more. I mean, the hedonistic mum in particular... Oh, it's very judged. It's very, very, very judged, yep. And unfairly so, because I think an awful lot of men managed to carry on, actually, quite a hedonistic life. And there's a kind of trope that allows them to do that.

so if you've had to put your hedonism in the bedside table and lock it up for a considerable amount of time do let us know I was just very happy to let my pleasures all kind of fade away they weren't really pleasures anymore I just got tired of whatever it was that I was doing if it was smoking or drinking or you know entertaining my extreme sexual pleasures at the weekend

I didn't know where to go with that sentence I don't have it I enjoyed following it. But I felt I was going to have to include something. But I just loved embracing a quieter life. I just couldn't do it. An awful lot of the time of my 20s. I don't think I was really enjoying myself anyway.

I think I thought that everybody thought that I should be enjoying myself. It's that pressure thing, isn't it? It wasn't difficult to convert to a life of much more kind of domestic and low-level entertainment. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with thinking, what a lovely tea towel. and think that and you get into soft furnishings and the closest I've got to hedonism recently was absolutely loving a cherry iced Danish slice

which I had yesterday would that have had a little bit of marsy pan just sounding that way I was a hint of it and it was really lovely and at sort of times of high stress I drink masses of tea and eat huge amounts of pastry

but usually sweet pastry not because as you know I avoid meat encased in pastry I didn't know that actually is that something that I should have been really bad it is terrible that you haven't taken note to that what if you ever serve me a sausage roll I would have to say no thank you

you don't eat sausage rolls no because you can't because I don't eat meat encased in pastry because you can't see the meat right okay so if you were given one of those new very, very expensive, lavish beef wellingtons, you wouldn't be able to eat that. I can't eat beef well. Can you do a salmon on crout?

No, interestingly, I'm not keen on them either. Beef Wellington, I regret to say I had a terrible episode of norovirus. Oh gosh, no, no, not connected to the beef Wellington but it happened to have been that anyway, no one needs to hear. No one needs to do that. No, please don't do that. I've only just got over my dodgy fish fingers. Yes, I know. Can I just say the last thing on the hedonism thing? Yes, I think this is interesting too. I struggle with a little bit in the modern world is a dismissal of people who aren't embracing every single different type of way of living

as being slightly prudish. I'm not sure that that's entirely fair because I think that there is now a pretty established connection between watching too much lascivious stuff and that's a judgmental way of putting it. But seeing, it's not necessarily pornography, it's seeing a kind of sexualized visual

image a lot as a young person is really damaging to a younger mind. So I think we've still got to keep room in our society for celebrating people who just want to do it differently, who don't want to be as excited by life all of the time as the hedonists are. It's really fine. Oh God. I mean, everybody says you be you and sometimes being you means like me just being incredibly dull. Yes. And I don't like being called a prude for not wanting to to have a kind of a very high voltage life in every single which way.

I just think I'm really happy and contented in quite a kind of dull supermarket queue of a life. It's fine. It's all right. I'm happy. You've done quite well, though, haven't you, really, overall? Oh, no, I love my life. I'm not denying that, but you know what I mean? It's not prudish. I'm duller than you. To not be experimental about everything.

is just who you are and it would do I think we'd do an awful lot of favours to an awful lot of kids by saying you don't have to be completely and utterly out there all the time no you can be very much in there as I fully intend to be

throughout this week Shetland starts later in the week does it? Yes looks a little gloomy but let's often gloomy on Wendy let's try it and see Have you tried Down Cemetery Road

which is the Emma Thompson Week, B, no. No, it's an unfortunate, it's an unfortunate title. But it's another McHerran, Apple TV. It's Emma Thompson, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. It is really, really good. Is it? Okay, okay.

It's really good. I'll see if I can work up to that. I still haven't done riot women, so I need to. I haven't done riot women either. We've had a few emails saying, why aren't you talking about riot women? Why haven't you done it? I don't know why I haven't really. I've just watched The One Show and Football this week.

So, perhaps I don't think my dad would like riot of women. I can just picture the scene, as I say to dad. Oh, there's this new six-part thing on the eye player dad about a group of menopause of women starting a rock band. I know. Yes, I'll give it a wealthy and let you know how I get on. I just can't bring myself on a Sunday night to witness what is probably going to be something similar to a rage

that I felt dramatize. And I'm really sorry because I know it's a great, you know, the actresses have got amazing pedigree and it's Sally Wainwright and it's music and it's all of those things. It should be right. It should be. Well, perhaps I'll try it. Let's try it.

But I can't. You try it. I'm doing traitors. You do riot women. All right. Well, that's it. It's Janefee at times. We will reconvene tomorrow and it's just lovely to be here.

It's lovely, you're back I was genuinely I was genuinely just swallowing my coffee I really was I really was if I slip your tenor could you just tighten that gap a bit of even

Kona Shane Gallery is up there on Instagram it is lovely really really lovely thank you do keep sending pictures of all of your beautiful pets experiencing what can only be described as undignified methods of getting better.

Congratulations, you've staggered somehow to the end of another off air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do it live every day, Monday to Thursday, day two till four on Times radio. The jeopardy is off the scale. And if you listen to this, you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online, on DAB, or on the free Times Radio app. Offair is produced by Eve Salisbury, and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler. Thank you.