Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Porn, the family business - with Jamie Morton and Alice Levine

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

Fi: "We've had too much sex already...and it's only Monday!"Stars of the hit podcast series My Dad Wrote a Porno, Jamie Morton and Alice Levine, reveal why the show is ending, and answer Fi's obsessive question...what's happening to the RSS feed (one for the podcast nerds).Also - some amazing emails including a nudity based excursion that will leave you questioning your next summer holiday.If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] Radio Producer: Rosie CutlerPodcast Executive Producer: Ben Mitchell Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So you've got a lot of clippings there, haven't you? You know, I've got this new regime where I go up to my office at home and I've got a pair of scissors for this exact purpose and I do cutting out every morning. Okay. Do you know what, that was my first job at the BBC. Well it was billed as a researcher in news information research which obviously I was really excited to get an interview it must have been about 21 years old and uh and passed the interview and thought right I'm absolutely made yeah and the job was to cut articles out of newspapers in the morning and to file those articles in folders in big filing cabinets in the afternoon gosh and did the hours fly by? They went so slowly.

Yeah, I've had a job once where all I did all day was photocopying. And I know people have to, these are jobs that do need doing. Oh no, I was very grateful to that one. There were a lot of subsections, so there'd be things like Chile, in brackets women women, in brackets, cooking, in brackets, pots, in brackets, something else. Pots. Well, of course, that gives me the opportunity to mention our guests. I've got pots on my mind. On the podcast today, yes. Who were Alice Levine and Jamie Morton.

Morton. Jamie Morton, do apologise. he's significant because it's his dad who wrote who's written a porno well it's not is it porn or is it an erotic novel I think if they're titled

they're hugely successful podcasts my dad wrote a vaguely entertaining slightly salacious erotic novel it wouldn't have had the same impact as my dad wrote a porno. Which does sound direct and, let's be honest, a little bit titillating. And the porno in question is, well,

we better explain what happens in their podcast, first of all, because it's not like this podcast, everybody, because it involves three mates who all of whom met, actually, at Leeds University University where they were doing. I mean, I did some of this and it was truly dreadful. I'm sure theirs was better. Student television. Have you got any tapes?

No. If anyone's got any tapes, I'd like to see them. I'll pay good money. No, there weren't any of mine. But honestly, I'm not being funny, but I don't think a single person ever watches student television generated by university students. I think it's just purely Yeah, that's a good thing, isn't it?

It is a good thing. Anyway, that was how Alice met Jamie and James who's the other, the collaborator on My Dad Wrote a Porno but we only had two of the guests today because in our studio we've only got two chairs well, we've got four chairs but we don't have any more than that. So when you've got a double-headed programme, you definitely can't have more than two guests.

No. But they fitted in quite nicely and they came in to talk about the end of the podcast, which has had 450 million downloads. It's hugely successful. And the shtick of the format, if you've never listened to it, is that in every episode they read out a chunk of Rocky Flintstone's Belinda Blumenthal adventures. So Rocky Flintstone is the nom de porn of Jamie's dad. He was what wrote the porno.

And Jamie and James and Alice all take it apart and have hours and hours of probably not very clean fun. Yeah, but if you feel a bit angry on the part of Jamie's dad and think that he's being mocked, it's worth pointing out, as I think Jamie does in the interview you're about to hear, that his dad did send him the novel thinking it was pretty hot stuff and really rather good. So I'm not saying he was asking for the kind of level of global fame

he's ended up with, but he did emphatically put himself out there first. Have you ever asked either of your children to critique any of your work? Have you sent them a little, you know, episode of this? No, I mean, I am going to say I think it's something that a man is more likely to do. I hope I'm not wrong. Don't get them started. Don't get them started. Don't get them started. I just do think it is something that a man is more likely to do.

That some men. That some, well, no, that men are more likely to do than women. I can't imagine a woman would send an erotic novel to her daughter and say, I think this is really rather good. Have a read and let me know what you think. But if you are that woman who's done exactly that, tell us. Shall we hear the interview and then we'll do your clippings afterwards?

Yes, I haven't got my clippings on nervously. Sometimes you're just more nervous. I don't know why I've been quite nervous today. Have you? Why would that be? Week 8? I don't know. Some days you just get flutters, don't you? Yes. So look, let's join Jamie because we do start at the beginning where he's explaining uh all of that but he

probably does it a bit better because it's his story our last ever episode is with my dad and that is next week isn't it that's on the 12th of december okay um you'll discover it couldn't have come from anybody else's brain he's very very much, he's a maverick. And he's, I do love him, but he needs reining in somewhat. But yeah, he did write these books. He's the ultimate wind-up merchant. I think over the years, people have worried a little bit that we've been critical of him and that he would take offence.

And once you meet him, or you'll hear him in this final episode, I think those concerns will drift away because he's, I think it's fair to say he's quite an eccentric guy. You couldn't say it possibly, but I can. Right. And did he work in kitchens? No, he started his career in sales in the, I guess the 80s, late 70s. It's about my age, so it would be the early 80s. guess the 80s late 70s it's about my age so it would be the early 80s um and he specialized in coasters for a long time uh until he left that sector and began to be a builder and that's what he did most of his career sorry he's he was in coasters i mean did you have a roof over your

head from coasters this was pre-me uh i think that's maybe one of the reasons why he had to get a real job um but he sold a lot of things he sold cement he sold coasters you're showing your naivety there it's a huge industry the coaster i'm i'm going to go straight home tonight and i'm just going to google coasters your house you've got coasters i've only got one set though i'm not sure i mean how many sets of coasters do you think most people have well i, I mean, coasters, beer mats, he was very into as well. He didn't mention that. He didn't mention the diversification. Very much so. You then found this novel.

I mean, we're going with this because that's the story. No, he sent it to me. What? Okay, he sent it to you. And he sent it, he just retired. Correct. And he decided he was going to dedicate

his life to literature. In his case, erotic literature, as it turned out. Did you know it was erotic? No. So he told me that he was writing a novel, which I honestly was all for because great way to spend your retirement, you know, stay out of my mum's way. And it was only when I read the first, I think the first words of Belinda Blinked, it wasn't a dream, the job interviewer just asked to remove her jacket and silk blouse and a little bit of me

died inside and that kind of sparked this whole thing so I was like either I read it and pretend it never happened or I read it and embrace it and find the funny side and show it to my friends and make a podcast and what do you think your dad expected from you in sending it to you I don't know I I because as alice says he's such a wind-up merchant i think he genuinely wanted to just mess with my head i think he did it deliberately to be provocative and to be like this will really freak him out which it did to be fair so it's all been like a game of one-upmanship now um i think you've won i don't know you know he's now having a lovely time with dad he is he's the

ultimate winner here he's got a massive fan base like because you know he is as involved in the show as we are he owns 25 of the show so he is you know he's he's a partner we are business partners in fact we are business partners you then jamie did the thing that nobody would do in the same circumstances you took your dad's erotic fiction to the pub and read it to your friends. Alice, what was your reaction? Well, there was a group of us and when we first heard it, I think obviously there's a kind of wave of relief that it's somebody else's dad and not yours.

But we were hooked. You only had a few chapters, I think, at that point. And so you basically just said, can you shut up so I can get through it because we kept interrupting and asking questions and um making you know smart remarks um and Jamie was actually getting a bit annoyed and I think probably upset as it all was dawning on him um and we kind of cleared the pub because a lot of it in that first chapter is I don't know how much you can say on Times Radio, but it's visceral.

That job interview goes away that you wouldn't necessarily expect it to. Honestly, yeah, there's areas that you see that you wouldn't expect to. There's, you know, lots of the clothes are lost quite early doors. And we just loved it. And I particularly just became a bit obsessed with it and asked Jamie to send me the chapters he had so that I could read them to people because I just thought they were so funny. And there's a naivety to it. There's a sort of like smugness to it because he thinks he knows the world because he's been in sales.

So he sort of has this kind of, there's sort of air of superiority that makes it really funny. To this day, he thinks that. But also there's just some rather odd vocabulary, isn't there? I mean, your dad definitely hasn't done a kind of... He's not a gynaecologist, is he?

Well, he's also not done a creative writing course at the University of East Anglia or something like that, has he? He hasn't. He hasn't, bless him. Although there are words that we... Like runnel, we laughed at that. That is a word. Is that a rude word? No. But it depends what's running.

In his context, it was. A runnel of liquid was running somewhere, guys. Down someone's thigh, wasn't it? That was it. We don't know from where they could have spilt the drink. But yeah, he is very, very creative, you know. He once described

someone's breasts as falling like the Lehman Brothers, for example. As what, sorry? The Lehman Brothers. No, as something falling like. Falling. Like the Lehman Brothers no as something falling like falling like the Lehman Brothers like a massive crash on Wall Street well I mean that's a comparison isn't it you could probably do a paint chart as well with the colours that he's described there's certain pinknesses that he's uh that he's evoked yeah that I think Farron Ball would be jealous of and do you and have you uh both of you ever read you know some of his latest offerings to you and have you, both of you, ever read some of his latest offerings to you

and thought, actually, that's really good porn writing? Or even erotic. I mean, have you ever found it genuinely quite erotic? Has it worked? That's really a question for you, Al, because it's never going to be erotic for me because he is my father. I can't, no, I can't say that that's ever happened. I mean, there are moments when, as the books have gone on,

they've certainly become more dramatic and he's done some quite good cliffhangers and things, I suppose. And there's been certain chapters which are just about business, so there's absolutely no sex whatsoever. There's quite a lot of pots and pans action. Yeah, there's a lot about... Well, you'd like that, Jake. No, I did.

Shifting units and things. Yeah, no, exactly. And like, you know, what's the best nonstick walk to buy and things. Yeah, he gets sometimes a bit lost in the the weeds with that stuff which are actually my favorite moments where he's just talking about you know budgets and stuff right so do you think he ever became self-conscious because of this unexpected success and fame and notoriety yeah i did wonder that because when we when we started he'd written had you written four books yeah so when we went into our into reading the fifth book in our fifth season um our prediction was that it would just be some sort

of like strange amalgam of the greatest hits that he thought everybody wanted and it was actually just an even more distorted something than that it was the beauty is that dad doesn't know why the show is popular or funny because he wrote these seriously so he thinks this is all great high art it isn't but also because he's been so lauded by so many people now he thinks that actually we're the idiots i mean he is the biggest erotic writer in the uk if not in europe what i was gonna say it isn't really a laughing matter anymore is it when you, put it in those terms. I mean, the way he looks at it, he's like, well, who's doing it better than me?

Well, certainly, who's being read or heard by more people? Well, quite. Exactly. Because he was inspired by E.L. James. So, you know. Yeah, the Fifty Shades. Fifty Shades. And he's like, if she can do it, then he can do it.

So what's he going to do now? Because you've got very uh successful careers alice is doing lots of stuff you've got you've made shed loads of money out of this you've formed a company what's going to happen to him then i hope that he continues just being creative because that's for me as his son i've actually loved seeing him grow with confidence seriously grow with confidence that's so weird that's so the wrong way around yeah but i genuinely have and it's it's been so nice to kind of do it with him and kind of show him the media industry which he's had no idea about before you've always said when oh sorry no that's right and so just a

quick word on your mum is she she's all right with this she's okay she's thrilled i'm here with you guys yeah but about she doesn't listen to the podcast. She doesn't read the books. But you know, her son's been successful. Her husband's been successful. She's very happy. So, what happens next and do your fans get a chance to all come together in a

I want to say group hug, but I'm sure they should. They could bang a few pans, I suppose. They do. So yeah, we have our, the last chapter that we're reading is next Monday and we'll be doing a global listening party. We do this every single series for the first episode. And yeah, people from all over the world,

Australia, America, Europe, all get on Twitter together and we listen to the podcast at the same time, press play at the same time, and we tweet along, which is really, really fun. So I think that'll be quite emotional, Europe, all get on Twitter together and we listen to the podcast at the same time, press play at the same time, and we tweet along, which is really, really fun. So I think that'll be quite emotional, actually. That's the big farewell, really, isn't it? Yeah, if you see porn trending on Monday,

then you'll know why. We hope we're the reason why. Something else might have happened. But yeah, that's a really nice way because the people that listen are so funny. And you know that Twitter can be a really vitriolic place to be, but also a really, really funny place to be. So that's quite a nice night that we look forward to every series

where everybody is kind of throwing in their jokes and having a good time. And if you hadn't been doing the podcast, would you have been as interested in the sexual, I never know how to say this word, mores, maws of the country? Because you've made some documentaries about Britain having sex yes um I think it's really hard to look at Jamie's dad's work and think of it as people having sex I mean it's quite different aren't they really it's so outmoded at times and so bizarre that I just don't even think of it as being like the things that I've explored in my documentaries.

I mean, some of the stuff that he's invented, I think, actually, some of the moves that he's invented, I can't imagine are happening anywhere because people would be breaking bones. But yeah, I think it's a really fascinating trajectory that the kind of podcast has taken us on because it's obviously a joke and we started off very squeamish and kind of prudish almost and through doing it and through people messaging us and and and being in touch we've had some really serious and and and quite sincere conversations about sex about what then oh but i mean people talking to us about their sexual experiences their sexual um concerns sexual health

their relationships, the fact that, you know, we've made sex something that you can talk about because it was fun and funny rather than it being something sort of scary and intimidating. I think we've also sent up Rocky a lot for maybe some of his less contemporary thoughts on the way that people operate. Allow me to interject with some...

Please do. ...feminist head-on. Please do. He isn't always right, is he? No. About the female anatomy or indeed about what a lady might like? I would argue a lot of the time he's not right. Obviously, he's telling one woman's story

and that woman is a very sexually liberated person. I think he's probably wrong about what goes on behind closed doors in the pots and pans industry and there's something to answer to there but no i agree and like a big part of what we do is we talk about that and and and we hopefully highlight that and i i think you know one of the sometimes he's he is extraordinarily kind of open-minded though dare i say accidentally yeah i mean because the whole show is that you know that's the premise of the show is that we're kind of shining a light on this kind of antiquated

view of sex is it a generational shift then yeah i think sex will be different yeah from your own from your age group absolutely and i think you know to your point he is because he is a you know he's a six year old man but he is he's you know, he's a six-year-old man, but he is, he's got three daughters. He's got me, obviously, as well. My mum's a great feminist. He actually has subconsciously written quite a feminist book. And I think it was Emma Thompson who said it's the only porno that she's ever seen that passes the Bechtel test. So, you know, that's quite impressive when you think about it. It's about women. It's about their kind of, they're always in charge of the sexual scenarios. Yeah, and people don't have to come out and declare their sexual identity in any way.

People sort of, you know, have sex with lots of different people of different genders. And, you know, they don't have to come and declare their label, which feels quite modern. And he doesn't kind of get tangled up in that. He wrote that thing a few Christmases ago.

He wrote that labels are for gifts under the tree, never for those who are sexually free. For somebody in their 60s, that's quite impressive. Good Lord, I'd like to pull a cracker and have that inside it. That is quite profound, isn't it? So what happens for all of you next? Do you immediately... I asked you this question before and you both just laughed.

Are you putting something into the RSS feed after your podcast finishes? You're obsessed with the RSS feed. For our genuine listeners, can you define RSS feed? She doesn't know. So a podcast, when you subscribe to it, you get a direct link into somebody's, usually their device. And that doesn't die when the podcast dies. You could put something else on and if you subscribe to it, you would still have that.

It would keep on coming. So that's a highly, highly lucrative thing if you've had 450 million downloads. Yeah, what are you putting in there? What are you putting in the RSS feed, Jamie? Well, it's interesting. Because our show is narrative-based, people are constantly discovering the show

and listening from the beginning and there's six seasons. We get 10,000 new listeners a day who've never listened to My Dad Wrote a Porno ever before, who listened to it have discovered it so the RSS feed, to use your term will stay as active for as long

as there are people out there wanting pornography but we will be using the feed to, I think we're going to do some best of packages, we're going to make sure that it's still active in a, in a, in a way, maybe some never,

never heard before bits. Yeah. I seem to think there's, there's some really good jokes I've made that I've never heard in the final episodes, which seems really strange. Does your wit get cut out? I just feel like something's happened.

It's probably a clerical error. I don't know. Something strange has happened. You see onto something, Joe. Well, I edit the show, so I think that's a thinly veiled attack.

Uh oh. Isn't it just proof though, Well, I edit the show, so I think that's a thinly veiled attack. Uh-oh. Isn't it just proof, though, that it's actually really difficult to write erotic fiction that is properly, genuinely erotic? Bad. Oh, erotic. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm trying to, you know, it's hard to do it. It is hard. And you know what? I really kind of, you know, tip my hat to him for at least trying. And, you know, he didn't think it was any good, really.

He thinks it's better than we think it is. But it is hard. And, you know, from being a builder to suddenly saying, I'm going to have a crack at a completely different career, I think should be commended. And he finished a book. I mean, the first book is 69 pages long,

so he finished a pamphlet. But I think lots of people talk about writing books, don't they? And don't do it. And he's written... Many, many of them. Many, many. And can people ever buy his book? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You mean you haven they? And don't do it. And he's written many, many of them. Many, many. And can people ever buy his book? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You mean you haven't?

I haven't bought it. And I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm very sorry. Well, look, I was gonna say Jane, Christmas presents sorted. Yes. So will he carry on writing? I think so. Yeah. And if you can find anything Rocky Flintstone or my dad wrote a porno base that hasn't been signed by him, it's worth a fortune. And if you can find anything Rocky Flintstone or My Dad Wrote a Porno based that hasn't been signed by him, it's worth a fortune. So if you can find something that he hasn't scrawled his name on, keep it.

Okay, what would your porn names be? Oh, my goodness. Oh, that's a good one. How do you work it out? There is an app. It's your first pet's name. Yeah, and then your mother's maiden name. And your mother's maiden.

It's a way to hack into people's bank accounts. I was going to say, we've done this. We've done this. So, yeah. I think we to say, we've done that. I think we'll be all right. What would they be? Jane's would, what was yours? Tiddler O'Neill.

Oh, that's quite good. That's good. Yeah. I heard it's favourite biscuit first, so mine would be Fig Roll and then Fig Roll Griffiths. Sounds quite good, actually. Fig Roll Griffiths. Yes, okay.

Yep, and yours? I never had a pet, so I'll go down the biscuit route. Garibaldi. Custard cream Ashley. That's actually fantastic. Custard cream Ashley. It's quite sexy, actually, isn't it? I'm feeling rather differently about you, Jamie, actually.

Thank you very much. Custard cream Ashley. Good Lord. Alice Levine and Jamie Morton from the incredibly successful podcast that's about to end. My dad wrote a porno and Rocky Flintstone will be revealed as Mr Morton, Jamie's dad. But I suppose there's a small element of mystery surrounding it. I'm not sure I entirely buy the idea

that Jamie's mum is completely cool with this. Because if it was me, I'd be absolutely incandescent. Not only that my husband was having smutty thoughts about a young woman called Belinda who worked vigorously with pots and pans, but that he'd had the brass neck to put it all out there. I would be a little bit upset if our family business turned out to be porn.

Just be honest. Well, it would be, yeah. Let's face it, there's good money to be made there. Huge money. Huge money to be made there huge money and huge money is being made there and neither of us are you know being naive about it or actually particularly kind of prudish about it but i genuinely jane uh wouldn't want my family business to be in the world of pornography but they've made a fortune out of this they have kept people amused you know it all seems to be thoroughly entertaining.

Well, fortunately, we're in the business of just talking crap. So when our kids find out what we do, they won't be all that embarrassed. Or will they? Well, they probably will be, yep, in some shape or form. Thank you for your lovely emails. I think you probably need to do the one from Sandra at the top because it's about a book that you have recommended. Oh, are you going to pass it over to me?

Oh, I'm sorry. Have you not got those? No, there's a paper shortage. I've only got one copy. Oh, I'm so sorry. Hello, this is from Sandra. I'm having some random thoughts, she says. Oh, don't worry about that.

We all have them. Is Matt Hancock going to donate his money to dyslexia research from I'm a Celeb? Well, I think he did actually mention dyslexia over the course of the weekend at some point. Did I see it? I don't know, because I've completely and utterly lost interest in that programme. OK, I think we'll have to assume that he did say, Sandra, he was giving some of his money to charity. So because he has mentioned his dyslexia, let's let's assume that some of that money will indeed go to dyslexia research. Jane, have you ordered your bacon lattice turkey or are you fully vegan this year? My arrangements this Christmas, Sandra, thank you for asking, are as complicated as I could ever have dreamt of.

I'm really looking forward to it. I'm driving to Liverpool with my children to spend it with my parents in their sheltered housing. And I'm going to be cooking in their quite small, overheated kitchen, a meal that I hope will suit everyone there, including the vegan and my 89 year old dad, who doesn't understand what veganism is. And indeed, perhaps a couple of other elderly guests who may also be gracing our family Christmas. So I think it's going to be a big challenge. I'm already getting very resentful and angry about it. And I can't wait to be able to tell you all about it in the new year. We will be having a turkey crown, Sandra. And yes, there'll be a nut roast accompaniment. I've also just downloaded the book, The Pull of the Stars, following your recommendation, taking a while to get into it. Too much like the pandemic, but there's enough to keep me interested.

I'm off to a Christmas fair today in aid of a local dog rescue charity. Right, Sandra, that book, The Pull of the Stars, I mean, it is about the Spanish flu and it certainly does have echoes of the pandemic. So I did warn people it was a claustrophobic and slightly terrifying read, but also a brilliant one. If you're looking for something else, read the book Widowland, which I'm reading at the moment by CJ Carey. That's brilliant. That's a feminist dystopialand which I'm reading at the moment by CJ Carey, that's brilliant that's a feminist dystopia which I'm loving Can I just chuck in Elizabeth Strout's latest, William which won't take anybody very long

but you just get deliciously lost in her descriptions of a quite old woman's mind and loves and likes and stuff it's a very nice place to go for a decent couple of hours this is an email from anna who says i've just caught up with your naturist episode

and it rather painfully brought to mind a french summer holiday a few years ago i do love it when an email starts like this when my other half and i was so irked by other people's children running riot at every campsite we decided to book us and our campervan into a nudist site. Of course you did, Anna. Naively, we assumed it would be blissfully sprog-free because most parents would surely steer clear. Upon arrival, a 60-something female receptionist with waist-length grey hair greeted us, fully nude of course,

although we knew it was a nudist site. Nothing could have prepared us for so much flesh. Well, Anna, we somehow managed A, not to collapse into giggles and B, keep looking the woman directly in the eye. But the terror upon being instructed to remove our clothing as soon as we'd pitched up was real. I recall we gulped a big glass of rosé before stepping out butt naked into the August sunshine. I have to say we found the whole experience extremely uncomfortable. There were many children there after all. And the middle-aged men lying by the pool as they splashed about was weirdly discombobulating.

I would really hate that, Anna, too. Also, all that sun cream application in tricky-to- reach places is not for the faint-hearted needless to say we left after just one night utterly relieved to be back in our humble shorts and t-shirts we sold the camper van soon after our return to the uk naturism is clearly an acquired taste and maybe our response during this particular encounter suggests that we are prudish childish and even a bit intolerant. But on balance, I think we can live with that. Well, I'm with you on so much of that, Anna, so very much. But also, I just I really admire your slightly ridiculously optimistic ambition,

actually, that you were annoyed on beaches by the sound of other people's kids. But you thought being in a nudist colony would pose no problems at all for you. So there's something of... I approach a lot of holidays like that, actually, Jane, and then find myself slightly stymied because I haven't actually enjoyed the peace and recreation that I was imagining would come my way. But I don't think I'd ever think,

hmm, naturism would solve it. Yes, that would be the answer. Thinking about that, though, I'm not i'm like our correspondent i'm not entirely sure how i feel about small children being around lots of naked adults but i think if it's all adults it must be a fan in all seriousness a fantastically liberating experience if that's your thing obviously if the weather's good i mean with my i've got very fair skin i i would not be suited, I don't think, to naturism in a hot climate. And naturism in a cold climate isn't for anybody.

So it's just that practicality. So I'm basically ruling myself out of the whole naturism game. Do you know, a friend of mine and I, we went to a hotel in Mallorca, this was a good few years ago, and we checked into the hotel at the front desk. We'd been going there every year for about five years so we thought that we were valued customers and the manager came to the front desk and said i'm sorry but you can't have your room because something has occurred in it anyway cut that part of the story short somebody had died in the room and they were waiting for the body to be removed so he said that we've booked you into a hotel down

the road it's a very nice hotel we're going to give you the keys for that. You can come back and have lunch with us on Sunday, but off you toddle. So we toddled off down the road and it was an adults only hotel, which we wouldn't have chosen to book ourselves into. And we both checked in. We kind of thought this is strange. Can I say when adults only implies for some reason that term implies raunch. Else only, it implies, for some reason, that term implies raunch. Well, we, so we thought maybe it's just a place where they don't have any children. Yes. But.

Oh dear. On our keys for the door, it said, why don't you head down to the pool for some sharing? And when we checked in. Sharing what? Yeah, exactly. when we checked in. Yeah, exactly. We walked down to the pool area and I've only ever experienced this that time in my life, just once in my life,

where everybody did stop, all of these couples and threesomes, foursomes, whatever they were, they just watched my friend and I just walk through the pool area and the dining room. Fresh meats arrived was basically the look on their faces. So we stayed one night there. We asked for a table so far off down the balcony we might as well have been in menorca and then we checked out first thing the next morning but not before my friend had heard the emergency services being called in the middle of the night because the wardrobe

had fallen on top of two particularly adventurous sex-antic people. The whole thing was terrible. I mean, if Rocky Flintstone ever got to hear about this, it would spur him on to write a whole new sequence of novels, I would imagine. So just out of interest, what was the name of this? Rawn She, the Rawn She Ranch. I can't remember, but it was just down the road from Kaya Mayor in Mallorca. But, you know, as my friend and I said to each other,

on our way back to the original hotel, we actually would have preferred to spend the night with a dead body. I was going to say. I mean, because they can't do any damage, and they certainly can't make any noise. So I would have thought, you know, chances are you'd get some quite good kip. Head down to the pool for some sharing oh listen we shouldn't be so censorious whatever floats your boat says the woman who can't wait to head home for a hot bubble bath and some of those m&s

chili nuts because they both float my boat so that's all I have to say on the matter. Yeah, no, me too. I'm very dull and I'm happy to be dull. Our guest tomorrow is Michelle Gallon, who is an Irish writer and she writes in a very, how can I put this? Fee was quite shocked by some of her use of language. She writes in a rather spirited way about young women. And her first novel was about a girl who worked in a chip shop

and was basically an infomaniac i mean the nicest possible way her second novel is about um a young woman who basically can't wait to get out of her small hometown in northern ireland and escape to the big city in her case london and um but she has a very interesting last summer at home so i'm looking forward to talking to michelle gallant tomorrow i'm looking forward to it as well, Jane, but we've just had so much sex and it's only Monday. Yeah. Never mind.

We'll try and focus on other things from Wednesday. Jane and Fee at times.radio. If you want to take part in whatever this is. I really lost sight of the shape of it now you have been listening to Off Air with Jane Garvey and Fee Glover our Times Radio producer is Rosie Cutler and the podcast executive producer is Ben Mitchell now you can listen to us on the free Times Radio app

or you can download every episode from wherever you get your podcasts. And don't forget that if you like what you heard and thought, hey, I want to listen to this, but live, then you can Monday to Thursday,

three till five on Times Radio. Embrace the live radio jeopardy. Thank you for listening and hope you can join us off air very soon. Goodbye.