Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Saucy dirigibles is the spin-off I didn't see coming...

Episode Date: April 27, 2026

It’s Monday, which means you can actually see all the wry looks that accompany the chat... You can watch this episode on our YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/@OffAirWithJaneAndFiIn today’s “intelligent but daft” episode, Jane and Fi cover the power of small talk, inflatable penises making their way to Liverpool, trad wives in Bromley, Jane’s feet on OnlyFans, support hose, and time travel, obvs. Our new playlist 'Coiled Spring' is up and running: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4tmoCpbp42ae7R1UY8ofzaOur most asked about book is called 'The Later Years' by Peter Thornton.If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are we ready? Well, we are ready and we've started. Yes, hang on, I'm just tucking myself in. Because what's different about this Monday? It's not very different, so we've been doing it a few times. What's different about the Monday? Yes, what are we doing? Oh, we're visualising this episode of Off Air with Jane and Fee, and people can watch it by...

Tuning into the YouTube. So if you go on the YouTube and you type in Off Air with Jane and Fee, then you'll see our Monday editions being visualised. and you then get connected to loads of other really useful stuff. What's currently being punted alongside what you might loosely call our material? I don't know because I don't watch. I thought it was cereal. I thought it was summer jackets.

So I did have summer jackets. So I did look the first time we did it, but I haven't gone back. But I'll make a note to myself to go back and have a look. But we are always interested in the individual algorithm displays. So on your sidebar to the right of us, If any of you have got some rather odd things, we'd very much like to hear about it. We really would.

Not too odd. And obviously, I mean, you know, some things need to remain private. So keep them private. But yeah, if you're being over-influenced by the summer jacket at the moment, then it would be nice to hear about that too. They sell jackets now, don't they,

which have got, they've got already pushed up sleeves. I just, I don't know why, James. I just find that funny. Back to Miami Vice, isn't it? It is. Did you know what I mean? Crocket and Tobs. Yep.

So they've got the Roche bit already done for you. It's just absurd. And I'd like to meet the people who are so busy. They haven't got time to push their own. There'll be a few of them within about half a mile of where we're sitting right now. You know that. Yeah. But also what happens then, you know, when you want to have a little bit of a tug down?

You'd just be disappointed. I don't know what happens when you want to have a little bit of a tug down. I do have relatively fond memories of Miami Vice. but there was something, it wasn't very realistic, was it? Well, there was a kind of gritty appeal, even from Starsky and Hutch, which I know wasn't a documentary, it was a drama, but Miami Vice didn't quite do it for me.

You think it had jumped the shark? It had a little bit, yeah. But they looked good. Well, I mean, they looked, yeah, I mean, they looked good for the time, didn't they? I don't think that they, would they have aged well? I don't know. It might be worth us going back,

and you could watch an episode of Miami Vibe. Oh, can I? Great. And I'll watch an episode of, well, your choice, either Juliet Bravo or, what was it, the Sweeney? I don't think the Sweeney would work. No. No, I think we should do this. No, I tell you what, the Sweeney really does bring me out in chills because I just remember being so incensed that Dennis Waterman was being marketed as a sex symbol. Because he just wasn't.

But he could be so good for you. No, he wouldn't have been any good for me. I don't think he was good for any particularly. Anyway, if you want to love me like you want me to, I've got a whole list of things that you can't do. Literally. Yeah, no, it's not even funny, is it? No.

No, he just wasn't hunky. He just wasn't hunky. No. So what else? Could you go back and just do one episode of the professionals? No. No? Okay, well, it's Juliette Bravo.

I don't know. Bondry noises. Versus Miami Vice. All right. Okay. Well, let's, everybody, if you have access to nostalgia TV, there's probably a channel called Throwback Telly, isn't there? Others bound to be.

Yeah, you can find them out there, golden oldies. Didn't they have a pet alligator living on the boat? Or have I just completely made that up? They did, and I don't think that's a good idea. No, I don't think that is. No, it's probably not. There's a big controversy in Britain today, isn't there, about the grey and the red squirrel?

Have you heard about this? No. No, okay, well, the king has made a... Apparently, quite a substantial donation to a charity that sets out to really do good things for the red squirrel and some very, very negative things to the grays. And I think people are just... Like what? We'll get rid of it. Oh, okay.

Exterminate them? Yeah. Yeah, because they're not a native species and they do nasty things to the red ones, which are native. I'll tell you what, we're back with the roundheads and the cavaliers, aren't we? There isn't. There's an element of that. Yeah. Without a shadow of it out.

Well, I mean, he's a guy with... quite a lot on his plate this week, isn't he the king? Because he's heading off to Washington. Would you have gone? No. You wouldn't have gone. So can you just do a quick reminder of people who might be joining this at a time in the future? Or even in the past.

Okay. So it's Monday, April the 27th. And there was an assassination attempt or what appears to be one on Donald Trump at the weekend. at that Washington correspondence dinner in a hotel. And today, King Charles and Queen Camilla are heading off to the States for a state visit, which will apparently be quite... I mean, it's going to have some pomp and pomposity about it,

big banquet and other things. But on the whole, it's going to be quite tightly controlled. And one of the reasons it's going to be quite tightly controlled is that the President at the United States... He's not very tightly controlled. No, he isn't. And he... Honestly, if he...

He could say anything. Yeah, and he still will. I mean, you just know. He'll say what he likes when he's left anyway, won't he? Yeah, there'll be kind of slippage somewhere. Or leakage, even worse. So I thought, what a perfect excuse for the king not to go. I must admit that I did run through my head when I woke up and heard the news on Sunday morning.

And I feel sorry for him. I mean, I have absolutely no idea whether or not he genuinely does want to go and do his bit for King country. Do you think he uses that expression himself? Quite possibly he does. I mean, there are lots of advantages in being a royal. There are some very major disadvantages too, but they do lead luxurious and pampered lives. I guess sometimes there's a price to be paid. Yes, and they have to go and do what they're told to do. But he's already said, hasn't he, that he's going on the instruction of the Prime Minister, the foreign office. He's been told to do it. So he's going to go and do it. So he's going to go and

I feel sorry from Jane, not just because I think the potential for discord, embarrassment, upset or whatever, is so, so great because Trump is now more than ever saying whatever he thinks, whenever he thinks it. And he appears to be saying things that he doesn't really think, but they just pop out anyway. So you've got all of that going on. But also, you know, the king has been treated for cancer. we think he may still be undergoing quite regular treatment. He's a man of a certain age. I just think, blimey. I mean, even if you're in the rudest of health...

In your late 70s? Yes, it's just a big ask, isn't it? I can't even do the jet lag going that way. The last time I went to America, I had to sit down on a pavement somewhere kind of 53rd and 3rd Street for 10 minutes because I just got suddenly overwhelmed by jet lag. Oh, I see, not by New York itself. No, no. But just, you know, try it's that time difference where you think, oh, I should just about be able to manage to get up the next day and go to work. And I just couldn't because I think in, you know, in British time, British summertime, it was probably about 2.30 in the morning.

Right. I mean, as you know, I struggle with any kind of travel and including time travel. So I don't never really adjust to British summertime. It's still Greenwich Mean time for me. But I do think, I wish him luck. Oh, I do. And, you know, I think we have, we've all had a day, haven't we, at work, where something happens. And you can't go to work. And you just think, oh, my God, what a gift this is. And I just thought maybe the king had woken up over the weekend and thought, oh, look at that. Look what's happened.

America's closed. I can't go in. Actually, we've got a royal adjacent email here. It's from Claire in Stoke Poges. And she says, talking of broadcast stories involving cart machines, as we were last week, initially no reaction at all. And then a flurry of interest, and we thank you for it. I used to be a network director in the presentation department of Channel 4.

That's the department responsible for all the bits between the programmes. That's important stuff, isn't it? Once a year, we rehearsed the death of the Queen Mother and how it would be announced. Now, this was before the days of Always On news. Yeah, back in the day, news was at regular intervals, but not constant. You could actually get away from it. They were in many ways were happier times.

They were halcy in days. Yeah, they really were. I faded slowly out of the programme and slowly up on a photograph of the Queen Mother, with a caption of the years of her birth and death, whilst the announcer delivered the sad news, followed by film of the Union Jack at Halfmast, and previously would have pressed a play on the carp machine, which would then spring forth with, of course,

the national anthem. Progress, however, meant that the national anthem was now on a swanky CD player. I had pre-programmed a CD player to play track four, God Save the Queen. But the CD player had automatically reverted to track one, and that's how this particular rehearsal of the Queen Mother's demise ended up with us playing the German National Anthem over a flying UK flag. It went down in history as a great example of why we must rehearse. Claire, thank you very much. I think the late Queen mum would have absolutely hated the German National Anthem.

She lived through World War II and had supposedly delivered that great line after Buckingham Palace was bombed and said, now we can look the east end in the face. So, you know, she would, I've been very, very, she'd have been incandescent, spinning around in her grave had this actually happened,

but mercifully it was just a rehearsal. I attended a rehearsal for the death of Prince Philip. Did you ever rehearse the death of a royal? Yes. So we weren't allowed to leave our BBC training course until we're done, the big rehearsal for the death of the royal. And we did the death of the Queen Mother. Did you?

Yes, we did. She had the last laugh in many ways because she was 102, I think, when she finally met her maker. Yeah. No death could have been as rehearsed as that one. No, very much so. Very much so. And I think, I mean, it was quite a seamless thing.

Of course, when you rehearsed, we were in local radio. So when you did a rehearsal for the death, of the A-listers. Yeah. And there were about four people on that list. It just involved rehearsing a link that said, now we join Radio 4. Yeah, that's who wasn't she before.

Because you weren't allowed to carry on, you wouldn't have been allowed to carry on your own programs. The idea was that everybody would turn to face James Nocky, and he would turn to face the world. Yeah. And let everybody know. So that was our rehearsal. Presumably, were you rehearsing when you were at Radio 4?

And then we will not speak of the, BBC again. Yes, well we used to have the emergency emergency item which was about a lavender farm and that would carry us through apparently a period of mourning I never understood quite why. And then you'd join James Knoxey Live. I think so, yes. Yeah, that was the idea. Yeah, well I wouldn't have been senior enough to announce the death of anybody and when you said A listers it's important that this doesn't, we're not talking about Merrill Street, Tom Jones, we're talking about

So category A, I mean it's the thing. is a thing at the BBC. Yeah. We used to have it written up on a whiteboard in one of the studios. It's so nerdyness. At GLR. Did you? Until somebody realized that, I mean, you know, we were pre-Mobile phones with cameras in them

because we wouldn't have got away with that for very long if anyone had taken a picture. But we did notice that the guests were always quite kind of distracted by the fact that written up in very, very big letters were all of the category A, the very, very important people who would die and which button you press when they did. I mean, it's, you know, it looks callous, doesn't it? But actually, it's continuity. And don't press the wrong button, for God's sake. No, definitely, definitely, don't.

I mean, no one can say we don't occasionally disappear into the weeds, can they? No, not at all. Shall we just briefly mention Belinda, who went into her 21-year-old daughter's room last night to say good night to her, nothing wrong with that, and found her studying hard as usual. She was a medical student with seemingly constant exams. spotting yet another image of a body part on her screen,

I peered at the dark background with a lighter circle in the middle and asked, oh, is that an eye? No, she said, it's an anus. Well, that just, I don't know what that tells us, except that the human body is a living mystery. Well, and I'm glad that she's studying, so she'll know the difference between them. Because you wouldn't want a doctor who didn't.

No, no, and I am the woman who once put ear drops in a child's eye. Or was it the way around? Well, I mean, it's better than putting a medication for one of those areas in the medication for the other. When my Austrian husband, Belinda continues, then-boyfriend, met my parents for the first time. He really wanted to impress them with his command of the English language, and you can imagine he would. We were all having a glass of wine one evening when he raised his glass to my parents in a toast. The expression he was looking for was bottoms up. However, what he came up with was slightly different.

He looked my parents in the eye and said with a cheery smile, up yours. And they're still happily married. That's wonderful, Belinda. Thank you. Thank you also for all of your information about cars designed by women for women. And I don't know whether did you click through. There was an email that sent us to a very, very exciting page, all about Volvo's prototype of the lady car. Well, we'll save that for tomorrow.

So that's what we'd call in the trade is a little. T's but this one What a tease from Charlotte who says my extra respect for a lady car

would be that it lets you know where the clean toilets are particularly on A roads and more particularly when driving

from the north of England to Norfolk in brackets A1 A17 A148 where you have

time to yourself for Blythe services or risk God knows what the amount of times I've had to do

the stand a stride and hover because by the time you've parked up and then queued for the one available Lou, you really do have to go. I'm the first time emailer, so I want to say thank you for the podcast. Other shows may do banter, but yours feels like a proper Natter, intelligent and a bit daft.

On the space travel thing, I'm also not totally on board because I worry about the carbon footprint, which must be immense. I do appreciate memory foam, though, for some reason, I think that was invented by NASA. Well, welcome to the party, Charlotte. You've absolutely, you've got us down to a tea there. I like the in brackets directions of the A1, the A17 and the A148. Would you take that route? Oh, my gosh.

I think that sounds to me like a potentially quite challenging drive. I don't know that part of England, so, but I'd love to know it better. Yeah. It does sound lovely. It's a very, very good point about toilets because on your sat nav, it will be. Does it never mention toilets? Well, it tells you where the services are. And I mean, you should always assume that there is a toilet facility at the services.

But I think there should be a button that you can press that just, you know, you know when you suddenly realise that you really, really, really do need to go? Yeah. It would be great if you could press the button on the sat nav in the lady car. And it would tell you the nearest available point where you could just pull over and have a quiet nature wee. I'd find that very helpful. Yes. I mean, I don't know. What would the sign be for a nature wheel?

I don't think we need to. I think that's something you can do in your private time. Come up with that, Jane. Surprise the class tomorrow. All right, I'll bring what I've done at home in. Show everybody. I wonder, is it Norfolk that? It is Norfolk.

Did we go to Norfolk? Did we go to Norfolk to do a performance? Have we been in Kings Lynn? Are we big in Kings Lynn? Barry St Edmunds? We were in Berries and Edmonds, but yeah, that's not Norfolk. Okay, all right, well maybe we need to go to Norfolk. I'd love to go to Norfolk.

We've got live shows coming up. Oh, yes. Gosh, some elements of today's event are really quite seamless. We have got live events coming up later in the year. That's another tease. We don't know any more than that because there was a big meeting on Friday, but we weren't invited. But there's talk of another meeting. So we're hopeful.

I'll be okay if I didn't go to that one. Oh, no, I'm not going on my own. No, we can just be like the king. We will just, we will go everywhere on the. advice of the Foreign Office at the invitation of the Prime Minister. Yeah. We'll just turn up and do it with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, Jane. We'll be fine.

Charlotte, we welcome very much your first email. You must send more. Yes, please too. Yeah, because Charlotte sounds like an incredibly informed listener. Talking about space travel, I suppose the argument, because our guest on Friday was Dr. Nikola Fox. Nicola Fox, yeah, from Head of Science at NASA. And it was interesting, wasn't it?

Because that was an interview that we put out as a podcast last Friday. it had been on the radio program as well. And we did get some carping remarks, didn't we? Yep. As the interview was going out. I think largely, in fact, I think entirely from male listeners. And I do wonder sometimes whether there are some men that simply they cannot cope with, let's just face it, a really, really high-achieving woman just telling us about her life

and glorying in the success of a project that she's been involved in. Well, one listener texted in just one word, and he just said boring, which 20 minutes into a woman describing one of the most groundbreaking trips to see the dark side of a planet that we are fascinated by. And to tell us more about the scientific advancements that travel through space will give us. And, I mean, I justify anyone to call that boring. it might not be to your particular speck of interest. But it's not boring, Mike.

No, I mean, sorry. You just mentioned the matter. Yeah, we see you, Mike. We do slightly worry about you. In fact, if you're not careful, I might have to come round with a food parcel for you. And it'll be all my home cooking. So just watch yourself.

No, I mean, it's so bizarre, isn't it? That would be your reaction. Well, it is. And it's very, why not just not say anything at all? you know, why not go and do something else with your 20 minutes, Mike, if it's that dull for you? And then do let us know what you did and we'll decide whether or not that's boring. Well, we might make a judgment on exactly how you've spent the last 50 or 60 years, Mike. Oh, we've mentioned his name again.

But I do understand that there might be an argument in terms of the amount of fuel and the impact on the environment of a mission of that nature. I understand that. I still think on the whole it's something to marvel at and I've glory in. I've always loved that sort of thing and I can't turn off that space knob.

Well, I'm completely with you. And every time that I look up at the moon it is with a sense of wonder that people like us as in humans have gone all the way there. I still find that absolutely magical. Yep, and come back. Which, I mean, it's the same.

reason that although I could never do a marathon, I'm very, very happy to watch other people doing marathons and to absolutely acknowledge their achievement and just genuinely wonder at it. I mean, the guy yesterday who ran that 26 and a bit miles in two hours, that's, that was the London Marathon yesterday. Sebastian Sarway. Yeah, I mean, phenomenal. He doesn't need any endorsement from me. And apparently he was wearing very, very lightweight trainers.

I wonder if that's what's been holding me back. Well, lightweight, but extraordinarily engineered. And some of that engineering probably comes from the space race, isn't it? Because it's all of that memory foam engineering. Well, you've got a good line on memory foam. What was it? I always enjoyed it. What happens if it's a bad memory?

Exactly. But I wonder, because pretty soon, a kind of a little diversification of that shoe will enter the mainstream, so you'll be able to pick it up in Zara or Clarks. And I'm looking forward to that. That's the greatness of scientific research. He was as bouncy at the end, wasn't he? He was doing his kilometres in the same time at the end as he did at the beginning. Just watch him finish.

He doesn't seem to be, I mean, he's motoring. He is properly motoring. I mean, my maths isn't great, but to achieve over 26 miles in two hours means that you're running at 13 hours now. I can't help you out here. What's the answer? I'm marveling at your mathematical. Would that be right?

Say it again, please. Well, he's done, if he's taken two hours to do 26 miles, yes. He must have been running at about 13 miles an hour. Yeah? Yes, I think so. I honestly don't know, Jane. My mind's just got a bit, it's gone a bit humanities.

Also, just a nod to Cynthia Arrivo. I'm always, I mean, I think she's so talented. Why are some human beings just so good at so many really different things? why is she a fantastic stage performer and capable of running a marathon in about three and a half hours I think it was. But maybe those two things are quite connected. Are they?

Well, because you do need a lot of stamina. Could Judy Dench do that? Oh, I don't know. But she's... Well, not now, but, you know, when she was in her 30s. Yes, I mean, you know, I suppose each of their own, we might not benefit either person by making that direct comparison. No, no, I guess not.

I don't mean. I think Judy Dench is great as well, I must stress. But you must have to have so much. much stamina to be a on stage performer night after night twice on a Saturday. I think it's the same kind of mentality, isn't it? Well, yes, but to have the physical, the physiological. But the person who I can't bear to think about too much just because of the pain involved is, is it Irish McColgan, this McColgan's daughter, who's foot burst, and she just ran on for the last 13 miles. With a burst foot. Yes. But how does a foot burst?

Well, she had a blister. Oh, she thought the blister had burst, but actually, as she put it, part of my foot burst. Well done, girl. That's a very, very impressive. Yeah. And as somebody who, I mean, I can't go on a long day trip without compede. It's got to the stage where I also take all my precautions. I mean, blisters are absurdly painful, considering how relatively insignificant they are in the great scheme.

I know. So imagine. But any issues you thought. I had a proper pedicure at the weekend. Did you die? Yes, and I have to say my feet of never looked, never looked more pleasant. I could probably earn a few quid on one of those websites with my feet, yeah. Well, everyone's got to boast about something, isn't they?

Gosh, the only fans thing, Jane. No, I'm not serious. No, no, but where's your head at with only fans now? Is it going to be one of those things where you change your mind from your initial possible horror, especially about very young women paying for their student loans and stuff like that through doing only fans will you change your perspective

as more and more people do it I really don't want to judge someone who's desperate for money and wants to pay for their student loan because that's, you know, I understand why some people are in that position but unless you, I mean, don't do it that way, seriously. Because...

But if you could earn, you know, thousands of pounds from putting your dainty little feet in front of a camera. My much improved feet. Your much improved feet in front of a camera. And, you know, doing things with them. What would you? I'm not dexterous enough to do anything with them.

They're just very happy plodding down the pavement. Okay. You see, that's half an hour of entertainment that you just know Mike would find completely not boring. Oh, yeah. No. I suspect you might be right. Oh, dear.

Belden braces. Right. Should we? This is great. Yeah, because we were asking, what a braces for? Yes. That was last week, one of lives, big questions last week. Helen, in brackets, sirs, just realized I'm not wearing matching underwear today.

Better cross my fingers and hope I don't get hit by an off-root bus. Well, I mean, he's just taking your life in your hands, there, Helen. Here we go. I thought you'd like to know that I asked my chap about your braces question. He's a dapper chap who on special occasions sports a smart pair of red braces. His message to you verbatim is, tell them that a gentleman. The gentleman never wears a belt with a morning or dinner suit. They don't come with belt loops.

So you have to wear braces to hold up your trousers. I'm occasionally tasked with having to clip them on his trousers at the back, as that's quite a tricky thing to do solo. I suppose this is as close as a man will ever get to knowing the extreme anguish of trying to fasten suspender clips on lingerie. Oh, the irony that one is to ensure men's trousers never fall down and a lady's suspender belt usually ensures the opposite outcome. Oh yes, and he religiously wears matching boxes and socks.

I think it's a lucky talisman because if he didn't, he would worry that something bad might happen, rather like the thought that odd socks bring bad luck. I hope that helps with best wishes. Well, it certainly does. Is anybody still genuinely choosing a suspender belt and stockings over just some very... Because the support hose that you can get these days. Support hose.

Yes. It's phenomenal. I've never understood suspenders. I'm really sorry to the suspender community. Well, if you're as clueless as me and as impractical, there'd have been no hope at all. So I want to hear from people. If you're out there, we can keep you anonymous.

If suspenders still do it for you, or you wear them because they might do it for someone else, tell us why that appears to be the case. Yeah, I'm much more interested. I mean, I kind of don't want to know about people who are wearing them for sexy times. I want to know a bit for you. Okay. Well, fair enough.

Yeah. But I do want to know about if anybody's still wearing them for normal times. Are they a hygienic alternative in some? I don't know. Could they be? Is that one of the reasons? Maybe. I can't think why.

But I don't know, because you can just get very well-erated. It's my really quizzical face. Yes. Yeah. Properly thinking about the reasons. something that... Well, anyway, we punt all of these things out. It's not space travel. Somebody will know. Anonymous says, I've been collecting a few thoughts over the last month or so of your podcast.

So I'm writing one email to respond to or suggest a number of points. Right. I mean, they do acknowledge not everything can be read out, but they do make this point. Hospital gardens, and lots of people have had thoughts about the wonder of being a hospital patient and being able to see from your window some greenery of... just seems to have such a positive impact on people. Anyway, Anonymous says, hospital gardens, can we campaign to bring back flowers for patients in hospitals? They were banned on the basis that they weren't hygienic,

but I think we all know it's because nurses now don't belittle themselves with the niceties of making hospital stays more tolerable for patients when they have so much computer inputting to do. Flowers would brighten all hospital wards and bring the outdoors in. first of all I think that's a bit of a well more than a bit of a harsh assessment on nursing staff because they don't spend all day in front of computers I mean obviously there's some computer work to be done I do I am genuinely a bit baffled by why you just can't bring flowers into hospitals anymore but I guess it must be something we found out about the damage that I mean there must be lots of people with allergies

and the great thing about flowers is they're are beautiful to start with, but then they can start to pong a bit. And somebody's happy flower is somebody else's miserable flower. I don't know. What is the reason? Do you know why you can't? Well, it was definitely to do with COVID that you couldn't take. Was that when it any more flowers in?

But I don't know whether there was a move against them beforehand. And we need one of our lovely nursing listeners to tell us why they've never come back in. And actually what you are and aren't allowed to bring in because I'm sure there are things that have changed because of allergies and all of that kind of stuff. But, you know, I do remember, you know, when I went in to visit elderly relatives in hospitals back in, you know, yonder times,

it was always lovely to see big bunches of flowers, you know, by everybody's bedside. And you really felt for people who didn't have them, but then people were very kind. weren't there? And they'd say, well, I've got a bunch of flowers here. You can have some of mine. Yeah. Madge might need mine over there. It was a nice thing. So it does seem a shame if it's gone. There obviously is a reason.

We can't stop everything on the grounds of hygiene because we're not getting, we're not getting more well as a consequence. Well, we're punting it out there. There must be a sensible reason. Let us know what it is. Anyway, Anonymous goes on, and I think this is interesting. Any advice for what I can do to help my son, who's about to graduate, doesn't have a job and no idea what he wants to do. His degree is in geography. He knows he doesn't want to teach or do a master's.

He does lack confidence in himself and the ability to engage or chat with people. He is lovely and funny around us and with people he knows well, but I think he's always quite reluctant to engage first. Do any of your listeners have any tips on tutoring or coaching to help him learn to chat? As I fear, if he were to get an interview for a job,

he wouldn't come across as engaged or interested. That doesn't mean, by the way, that he's not engaged or interested. Our listener just feels that he might not come across that way. And she acknowledges that this is a tough time to be a graduate. And I think that's true without question. Thank you for that. And we'll punt that one out there as well. But how do you teach someone to come across well in interviews?

It's very, very hard to do. I think it's incredibly hard, Jane. Especially now. Yeah, because they're not used to that kind of thing. For a certain type of job, you are assessed by AI, before you even get in front of a human being. And they're looking for very specific things that rule you in and things that rule you out.

Yeah. So there's been quite a lot of evidence, hasn't there? You know, slight facial ticks or an inability to look directly into the camera. You know, the computer just says no to you, which is very, very cool. Yeah. What about a bit of hospital visiting to enhance the chat? Oh, I see. Yes.

build a bit of confidence with just having to talk to strangers and be presentable and engage. I think small talk as a skill is vastly under-rated. Yes, hugely and definitely lost by the new generation of texters. Yeah, well, that's true because if, I mean, somebody coming to the end of a university education now will have not known a world without all of the stuff that we are now so reliant on stroke addicted to, it is very difficult to suddenly emerge into the world of work where things are, techie up to a point, but where you will still have to sit across the table or a room from somebody, make high contact and keep talking to them.

I think a bit of voluntary work would be great. Yeah. Go and help out at your local food bank, see whether your hospital does take visitors, just something that means you're going to be with strangers. And ask them stuff. And you're going to have to engage. But on the whole, and I don't want to be patronising to our listener, but tell your son, and I tell this to my kids, if you run out of things to say, ask somebody else a question

about themselves. because in my experience, people are only, by the way, how are you? People are only too willing. We have 36 minutes in, I'm fine, great. Only too willing to chat if you engage them in stuff about their lives. Anyway, obviously that's a ridiculous thing to say, and your son will know that. No, but maybe he doesn't, Jane. I mean, I think it is a bit of a lost art.

And sometimes I'm very surprised at the very perfunctory nature. a small talk between kids because you know when you're texting everything seems to be you know i mean i've been accused of being far too verbose i use punctuation as one of my texts which is apparently that's you put a full stop but yes aggressive it's just that is aggressive but i still do it don't worry that's just silly semicolons yeah i just go bold how dare anyone call you verbose i tell you what wouldn't be much of a podcast would it if both of us came over all kind of like that yeah It wouldn't work at all. It would be lovely to punt out to our listeners

a couple of really, really decent questions that they've found easy to use in difficult situations. Prince Phillips was always what's been keeping you busy lately. Do we look to him? In his family, a dangerous question. If you say it worked for you. Well, perhaps he should have asked a few more questions of that nature to some of his nearest and dearest.

Yes, you know, listen to the answer. But stuff like that. He does make me laugh, Prince Philip. Only because, do you remember when we interviewed Charles Brandreth, had written a book about Prince Philip and sort of established a kind of a friendship with him, except it came across even in the book he'd written about him that he was really rude to Charles Brandreth consistently.

Oh, and you can't be rude to Charles Brandreth. No, you can't. You shouldn't be? No. He's like the ultimate golden retriever, isn't he, in human form? He is, whether you might think you won't like. the man. Trust me, when you meet him, you do like him. He's just very entertaining. This comes in from Victoria Scott, who is an author, and you can buy her books. I'm just punting that out there because Victoria has been listening to us for a long time.

She's a good woman. I gave birth to my daughter in a hospital in the Katari Desert, starved entirely by Cubans. It still feels insane to say that now, but it was a great option. We wanted my husband to have a chance of attending the birth, and these things weren't allowed at most Katari State. hospitals, but the new state hospital on the west coast near Ducken, Dukan, Ducan. Ducan. Ducan. Ducan?

Ducan. I think sounds better. We've given you a lot of options. Was allowing it. I should explain that the Qatari government had done a deal with the Cuban government to bring over a whole cohort of their medical staff and chefs to run it. They all lived on site. Immigration working, Jane.

Just leave that there. We drove for more than an hour each way along an enormous empty motorway to get there for appointments, but it was always blissfully quiet and we had great care. I also loved its design. Everyone had their own room with en suite. My room overlooked a fountain and a palm tree, quite the tonic in the desert.

The Cuban doctors and nurses were all lovely and for a while I thought that they thought my daughter was called Linda because they kept looking at her and her cot and saying, That that means how cute in Spanish. She was actually called Gabriella and she loves having an exotic place of birth in her passport.

I bet she does actually. Who knew that then, that Cuban authorities in Qatar, was it? In Qatar were bringing in entire workers to entirely staff a whole hospital. I know that Cuba does have, I've got a whole shoulder problems, but challenges as well, to be fair, I don't think the Americans are helping. They have incredible healthcare, don't they? Or incredibly well-qualified and well-taught medical staff. So I guess that would make sense.

Yeah. But I just... It's an intriguing little story and we thank you for it. Yeah, we do. Shall we briefly mention hen weekends? Because we were talking about... Mention what? Hen weekends.

Hen weekends. Sorry, I thought it said Henry Cambs. I was thinking, who? No. This is new. Tell me more. Henry Camms. Sounds nice. My daughter is at the age 29 where she's got a lot of weddings

in the next couple of years. This means she has been invited to many hen weekends. The one where she drawn the line, she's had enough, she's not doing this, involves the following. Flying off to the bride to be's favourite European resort, known to be expensive, in the school's summer holidays, there are many teachers in the group, which means that accommodation is extremely expensive, as are the flights. Staying in an Airbnb in the middle of nowhere, which means paying for taxis to go out anywhere. Hiring a private chef, one of the evenings, to cook the bride to be's favourite meal. My daughter's celiac, so wouldn't be able to eat most of the meal, but was

still have to pay. Having a kitty for food and drink again as a celiac, my daughter would have to buy separate food but would still be expected to contribute. A different outfit for every day. Things like on the first day will all wear floral, but not white. On the second day, the theme is wine and song, and on the third day will all wear blue and so on. All of the hens are also expected to cover all of the bride to be's costs. All in all, this was going to come to over a thousand pounds for a three-day break. Despite this being one of my daughter's oldest friends, she's declined the invite. I'm not, I can't say, I'm really not surprised. That does seem, she agonised over the decision, our listener goes on to say, but in the end decided she would

rather use that money to pay for two or three weekend breaks in places she'd like to go, choosing her own activities and following her own itinerary. I supported her in the decision, says our anonymous mother, but I'm sad for her. that she's going to miss out on the weekend and does feel guilty about it. Don't feel guilty. I mean, who, not every woman in their late 20s has got a grand to spend on a break. I mean, it's just, it's a colossal outlay. But also, Jaley is extraordinary.

What is all of that? Very, very, very solipsistic celebration of one person. You are for both. No, you are. Thank you. It's a very nice thing for you to say on a Monday. But what's that got to do? with celebrating the union of two people and sending them off into the world.

It's just too much. It's really attention-seeking. Well, having dress coats. Too much. Yes. And also, just you don't need a whole weekend. Do you need a whole weekend? I'm not sure you do.

I'm a bit vexed about this because back in the day, the woe-no hen weekends, the were no inflatable penises on trains to Liverpool on a Friday afternoon. I saw one last week. And that wasn't a good thing Because the men always went out

The idea being that they were being dragged unwillingly to the altar And it was in fact the living embodiment of every gal's dream To be in holy, tied up in holy matrimony It was what they wanted the men were being You know And they needed to celebrate their last chunk of freedom Freedom Freedom

That was their last night of freedom It was extremely important And if that involved going to a lap dancing club and then being chained to some railings and having their facial hair imacked off then that was a celebration of freedom. Nothing says freedom like that.

It really doesn't. That's like something Donald Trump would associate with freedom. It's absolutely remarkable. There's been this joyous turnaround in many ways and now the hens are every bit, I'm going to say, every bit as boisterous as the stags. Whether fun is genuinely had by all, I still don't know.

No. I really don't. What has been, if you can mention it, without upsetting anybody, what has been the most challenging hen event that you've ever attended? I mean, I've been on a few hen weekends and nights, and there have been some great ones. And the weekend that I was certainly challenging for me was involving a pony trekking session,

which for those of us who are not horsey, apart from the impact it has on your botocotage the buttock area is really it's severely impacted you go but John Wayne for the rest of the journey I was John Wayne's love child for the next fortnight if I'm honest and if also even the most docile

horsey creature pony I'm going to say because it's really not my world they can they can just go rogue terrifying yeah well I mean it's like Well, the bosses we've been hearing about. Some great rogue boss stories, by the way, we'll do more of those tomorrow. But yeah, it's quite terrifying if you're not into that experience. Yeah.

But I totally see that for women who've been in the saddle from birth, it's a wonderful, liberating experience. But also at least that is not connected. Well, I hope it's not connected to sex. You tell me. I don't know. I mean, there's, well, it's like they used to. Well, they used to mate women ride side saddle. Yes.

You know, because there was too much fun to be had. The motivation for going pony tracking on a hen weekend. Oh, no, no, my mates. No, what are you talking? Of course not. No, but that's the weird thing. So I have been to a couple of hendies that have had that kind of sexy theme. So, you know, learning to, you know, we had a lap dancing class.

I've not used it since. I didn't know you'd done a lap dancing. Yes. We did, on a different one, right. We did a life drawing class, you know, with a naked fella. A naked fella. Yeah. Oh, dear.

And I don't know, I kind of, you know, in both events, we were well into our late 20s, early 30s. I'm just going to put this out here. I think my mum knows this by now. We'd all had sex. We'd all seen a naked man. So it's that slightly weird. It's all just a bit peculiar now, is it. Sexy thing.

Yeah. Like you're inflated. penises on the way up to Liverpool. It is quite bizarre. And I don't want to sound po-faced at all. Neither of us are poe-posed. But I just found it a bit embarrassing, actually. Yeah.

Well, because it is. Yeah. It just, it simply is embarrassing. And by the way, there's nothing more tragic than the withered inflatable penises that littered the streets of Liverpool on a Saturday night and Sunday morning. Are you collecting them?

I've got a little, one of those little things, those AIDS. I'll pick them off. A little litter picker. Oh, yes. A penis picker. I pick them off and I take them back to London. I tell you what.

I'm sure you could do quite a nice line on Etsy in repurposed. Repurposed inflatable bean eye. Saucy dirigible. Yeah. Saucy dirigible. It will be the name of our, actually, we should do something with that. But what? Saucy derogibles.

There must be something we can do. Yeah, there must. That's the spin-off I didn't see coming. Any highlight. this week coming up that we can tease people with more. Claire Lynch. Yes. That's a really interesting book, isn't it?

Now that is called... A Family Matter. Yeah, that's right. And she's a novelist. Yeah. And this is a book about the fictionalise, but using verbatim from Family Court, the questions that were asked of women

who were simply seeking to retain access to their children, having moved in with another woman after leaving their husband. It's just extraordinary. It's set in the 1980s. The 80s, yeah, so not that long ago. With all of, you know, within all of our recent memory bank, actually. But I really enjoyed it just as a book, you know, whether or not it was using those court experiences. So she is in and...

Julian Clare. Julian Clare. That will be an innuendo-free conversation. Obviously. Which is good. And, oh, we haven't booked the guests, but I've ordered, in fact, it's arrived. That book about being a trad wife, which is. got people talking.

Some people that got a very scathing review in the, I think the Times over the week, the Times, yes, over the weekend by Sarah Dyson said it was absolute pants this book about, I think it's a, it's a woman who's being a trad wife influencer and she goes back in time,

which you have, haven't you? In Bromley. But she goes back in time and she is a trad wife. I don't think I was a trad wife in Bromley. But, but, But I'll try and explore my experience a little bit more

next time I'm on the South Circular. Okay. I'm going to stop next time I'm on the South Circular approaching Bromley and just sit there, let it all wash over me. Settle in with the vibes. Yep. And try and, I mean, I may never leave.

No, well, Bromley's trying to tell you something. Yeah. But what it is? Neither of us know. No. Right. We're done. We are done.

And we're grateful to you for entertaining this. But please do keep your emails coming because they continue to delight. What's the address? It is. Thank you for asking. Jane and Fee at times.com. Right. Take every care. There are still some leaves about, it's slippery. Actually, there aren't, either. It might be blossom. Can you also be dangerous? Goodbye.

Congratulations. You've staggered somehow to the end of another off-air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale And if you listen to this, you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online, on DAB, or on the free Times Radio app. Offair is produced by Eve Salisbury, and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.