Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Strut, pose, maybe seduce

Episode Date: March 6, 2024

Your emails have been pouring in (which we really appreciate!) so we had no choice but to bring you a very special, emails only, episode. Jane and Fi cover hot tubs, Spanish diets and International Women's Day. Plus, Fi brings you a very unique reading... If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] Follow us on Instagram! @janeandfi  Assistant Producer: Eve SalusburyTimes Radio Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Right, I've just had an accident with a tap in the loo and look, it's all wet up. Oh, dear me. A bit of splash back all over me. But on the other hand, at least it proves I always wash my hands. Do you know, something I have noticed is that since the pandemic, I've properly washed my hands. Yeah, me too. I never used to bother. So I wash my hands as soon as I get in. Do you know, something I have noticed is that since the pandemic, I properly wash my hands. Yeah, me too. I never used to bother. So I wash my hands as soon as I get in. Do you do that?

Yes, I do that. And I like it very much. Every time I go back into the house, I go to the sink and I have some cheese. No, no, I wash my hands, then I have the cheese. You keep your cheese in the sink. I do, yes. Doesn't everybody? Right, this is Off-Air Email Special. But it's also the week of International Women's Day.

Fee and I are both women, and tomorrow we're doing an event. We are. Because at this time of year, women usually have to do more than usual, because it's down to us to mark International Women's Day. International Women's Day is a day where women get more knackered. By marking International Women's Day. It's not actually until more knackered by marking International Women's Day. It's not actually until Friday, but we're doing it daily because we know it's Friday. So it's actually quite funny.

There's more about that we could say, but we won't. So that is tomorrow's excitement. Although it is true, you're absolutely right. There's a sort of requirement now for women to do something. Yes. And, you know, I don't know whether men feel that compulsion because International Men's Day is in November. Well, I think there are quite a lot of offices around the country

where International Women's Day is celebrated by women going off to talk to other women. And, you know, it's an important thing to do. I get that. And we can be optimistic and positive and share our stories. And I'm imagining that there are just an awful lot of men putting their feet up on the desk for 45 minutes whilst women discuss being women in the workplace. So look, if you are coming along to our event tomorrow and actually you think I've got a very important online shop I could be doing

instead, or there are some nice trousers I've seen on eBay that I need to hunt down, or I need to go and scrub the house, or whatever it is that we don't mind if you don't come to our event. We're going to talk about being women, we're going to talk about being international, and we're going to be talking about days. So it'll all be covered. Yes, it will be. But once again, it's a bit of a cliche, but thank you for the emails. Let me just give you an idea of the sheer quantity I've got in front of me now. That's the sound of them thudding onto the desk. I thought the thud would be bigger.

So did I. Let's do that again. Let's do it again. That's much better. We have got a lot, haven't we, lady? We've got more than 11. I'd like to start with quite a gentle, funny one, if that's right, because we've got some quite serious ones coming up. So this is Lucy in Andalusiaia who is updating us about hot tub action uh fourth time of writing hoping i make it onto the email special uh and we're delighted that you have lucy i couldn't help but smile when listening to your disdain of airbnb hot tubs my partner and i live in rural

andalusia and we rent out a few studio apartments in our village we also have a communal hot tub for the guests to use i've lost count of the times we've lifted the cover to a not too pleasant site one memorable time we checked the hot tub in the morning only to find a trail of clothes and underwear leading up to it on closer inspection we found a pair of boxer shorts in the filter. Needless to say, the guests were very sheepish when their dirty underwear got thrown back at them. We don't have a no sex sign, but I very much feel like we should get one. Don't even get me started on the time, effort and the water it takes to clean it. And Lucy loves the podcast and always listens on her long but sunny drives home from her job as a primary school teacher.

So I don't know how you fit in running Airbnbs as well as doing that, Lucy, but all hail to you. And yes, I'm sure you've seen some absolutely horrible sights. I don't, I'm just, I'm being really stupid about this, but I just, can I just be a bit brutal about this? I don't think that sex in water is particularly easy, is it? I don't think so. Isn't it easier to get out to be honest in my incredibly limited experience and believe me it's limited i i actually think

you're better off in a bed if you can if you can possibly find one it's not such a bad place i just wouldn't automatically think oh look there's there's a great big body of water i'm going to go and have sex. Yeah, I know. I'm absolutely with you. I'm glad we've had a correspondent from Spain because it's reminded me of something that's running in quite a lot of the British papers this week about how late at night the Spanish eat. I can't read those articles. They make me feel a bit unwell. Well, it's so bizarre that you can book a table in Spain for midnight. Now, I know that, is it California where everybody eats at 5.30?

It is. I mean, that's also, in my view, weird. Although up north growing up, it was perfectly reasonable to have your tea at 5.30 because the news was on at 20 to 6. No one ever questioned why it wasn't on right on the top of the hour. Do you remember it wasn't? No, it wasn't. You're right, aren't you?

20 to 6. Yeah. Because the clangers would be on just before the... Clangers? The clangers. The clangers. What did you call them? Clangers.

Oh, right, that's the Hampshire version. All very peculiar. So, no, the Spanish and their eating habits, just utterly bizarre. And I do remember, I've got a showbiz anecdote here to shoehorn in. Please do. I did interview the great Spanish actress, Penelope Cruz, about 10 years ago. And I really, I don't remember the film.

And I'd run out of stuff to ask her. And we got into a real kerfuffle, my producer and I, because we couldn't, she couldn't, it wasn't my job, obviously, she couldn't unknot the microphone cable. So it was in a right sort of dizzy state on the floor. And she was crawling around trying to unknot it we kept Penelope waiting and she just looked at her phone and was incredibly

rude so it wasn't the best atmosphere anyway and then I ran out of questions about the boring film and asked her why the Spanish eat so late just because it's been on my mind for ages you know because I have my tea at six o'clock. And the look of contempt on her face. I don't think I've ever seen... Even when you're most tired of me, you never pull the face that Penelope Cruz... Oh, thank God. Penelope Cruz.

I've got that face in my back catalogue of faces. In all seriousness, it is odd, isn't it? Because they eat really late. I mean, what time do they get up? And what's their digestive system like? Perhaps our correspondent in Andalusia could let us know. Well, it's all to do with the heat, isn't it? So I know you're not going to want a cottage pie in temperatures of 28 Celsius.

Well, it would still be very, very hot, you know, in the kind of frying pan of Spain, wouldn't it, at five o'clock. So you've got to wait for it all to cool down. We'd just have a salad at half past six. Just have a salad at half past six. Just have a salad at half past six. OK, let's put it to the Spaniards. Well, come on. Come on, Spain. Let us know what you're up to. Julia says, in the spirit of the fellow listener

who claimed the record for being the second longest baby to be born at Salisbury Hospital, I'd like to make a tentative claim. And you're on dodgy ground here, Julia, because you know someone else is going to chip in. She says, I'd like to make a tentative claim. And you're on dodgy ground here, Julia, because you know someone else is going to chip in. She says, I'd like to make a tentative claim for the podcast record for the oldest menopause amongst listeners. Oh, gosh. OK.

Are you ready, everybody? My pretty regular period started yesterday on the exact day I was 56 and a half. Wow. that day I was 56 and a half. Wow. Given that menopause is officially a year after your last period, that means at the earliest I will be 57 and a half when I reach menopause. I feel the novelty factor of still having periods at my age has well and truly worn off and I'm starting to feel cheated out of the carefree days I have envisaged post-menopause. Are any other listeners experiencing this situation or am I a potential record breaker? Record breaker. Yes.

Stand by. I used to love Roy Castle. So, Julia, well, I've put it out there and I think you're wise to be a little wary, but I wonder whether anyone can beat that record. I wonder whether you're still ovulating. Gosh, that would be a thing. That really would be a thing. I know that you do remember ovulating well into your 50s.

No, it wasn't into my 50s. It was only up to 49. But I would be so annoyed if I was still having periods now. Ooh, that would really... Oh, they're just a flaming nuisance. Frazzle my head. Yeah. Now, let's do a couple of your birth stories because

it's obviously been incredibly important for some people to be able to talk about this and for some people to actually years down the line to finally get some stuff off their chests. So this comes from Faye, who says, I'm a mere five foot two,

but I surprised everybody when I gave birth to a, wait for this, Jane, 11 pound, two ounce baby boy, and then followed that up with a five pound placenta. Now, Faye is our height. Faye is our height. That is so much other life in you. I hope he can be added to your hospital celebrities. He was the second largest baby they'd ever had in the maternity unit.

As I'm sure you can imagine, it wasn't an easy birth, much like Winnie the Pooh in the one where he eats all the honey and gets stuck in the rabbit's door. He was halfway down the tunnel before they realised he was too big to come out. But just like Pooh Bear, there was no going back. So it was an episiotomy and von Toos for me. Luckily, by this point, the epidural had kicked in. But I will never forget looking down the bed and seeing the lady doctor bracing her foot on the end before she started to pull. After it was all over, I asked my husband if they had to cut me. Cut you, he said. They didn't just cut you,

they took a pair of garden secateurs to you. He's never been the same since and advises any dads not to go down the business end. On to a more serious point, you're correct about the terms used to downplay the injuries women receive during birth. What I received were traumatic injuries, yet no one spoke to me about what had happened to me during my birth, and I wasn't offered any support to help me cope.

In addition to my injuries, my son had suffered a shoulder dystocia, I'm sorry if I've got that word wrong, and been very unwell at birth, yet we were expected to just get on with it. In the years after, I suffered ongoing issues and eventually sought help from my GP. She was sympathetic but dismissive, saying she'd refer me to a specialist but doubted they'd do anything. Her attitude was very much, these are just the things you have to put up with.

But I was lucky because I got an appointment with a good specialist who, on examining me, told me I had a prolapsed bowel and bladder and carried out surgery to fix it. That is such a tiny sentence there, but that is a whole load of stuff that you've been through. We must stop minimising the trauma and injury caused by birth, and women must stop accepting that we just have to live with what can be debilitating long-term effects. On a final note

to your recent conversation on dandruff, my husband went to the opticians this week and was given special eye wipes to deal with his eyelash dandruff. I tell you what, Faye, he's been through a lot. My goodness. Is there a GoFundMe? But Faye, I'm totally with you on all that you say. And I think it's just that horribly, and I wince on your behalf, and I've had quite a similar experience.

It's the dismissing of your experience and the minimising of it because I think we know as women that there's an awful lot that we have to put up with and that birth is no laughing matter. But actually, when something really bad has happened to you, for people to kind of go, well, whatevs, you wouldn't really do that to any other forms of surgery or any other traumatic experiences. So I think enough of that too. And

because sometimes it's just really helpful for someone to be able to say, yeah, that was terrible. It allows you to go, yep, it was terrible. And then you can start feeling better after you've got that out. Yeah, I think if the average man going into hospital to have his appendix out, which I'm not, I've never had that done. And I'm sure it is excruciating pain if they were treated in the way that the average woman going into a maternity hospital is treated they would be horrified it just doesn't happen does it you do get a certain amount of TLC when you have relatively routine surgery but there is just something about the way you're treated in a maternity yeah but you see I

wouldn't even make it a comparison to the male experience of pain. I think there are so many other things that you go through as a woman, you know, forms of surgery, where you're just treated in a more sympathetic way. There's this weird kind of, what is it, heroics about childbirth? I don't know. And actually, I'm sure I've said this before, but although I've had children, i've never seen a birth so i i actually do respect men who've been in the room and seen what happens

uh because it must be a hell of a thing it really must and that advice about not standing at the so called business end what would you say about that do you think that is the right thing for a man to maybe stand somewhere else where or he won't be forever haunted? Yeah, I think it's such a good question. We did a documentary about dad's experience in the delivery room at St Thomas's about 10 years ago, because it is so misunderstood, actually, and there is so little information given to dads. If you're lucky, you've been to some kind of a NCT class or a pre-birthing class with your partner, where birth may have been talked about, but you probably haven't gone looking for any other videos or any other information.

And for dads who then see their partner who they love and are trying to support and a baby who they are, you know, are about to love and try to support in these horribly traumatic positions and situations is just really not talked about at all so we talked to all these lovely young men you know who had passed out with the kind of trauma of seeing it who just hadn't known what to do were quite often treated like the village idiot yes it is mock that and it shouldn't be And of course there should be as much information. But I do remember the chief psychologist there saying something that was just so fantastic and important.

And she said it's not about, you know, your partner or a man needing to be at the birth. And lots of men get really kind of, you know, people are dismissive of them if they choose not to be. You know, they're treated as somehow not kind of performing their role. But she said, you just got to ask, is my partner the type of person who would be good at the birth? And if they're not, then just send him home to clean the house and get everything ready and choose a friend or a relative who is going to be capable of being

supportive. So I think it's a really interesting conversation. It is, and I think this is a safe space, as we've said before. So if you're a man who, frankly, visually regrets seeing it, we're not going to name you, but we would like to hear from you. And in that spirit, I really want to thank the female police officer who's been in contact about indecent exposure. And this was after we read out the email from our listener, Lucy. This officer says,

indecent exposure is abhorrent behaviour and it should be investigated in its entirety. I apologise and feel ashamed that your listener has been spoken to and treated in that way when she reported the crime. Please may I draw on current examples with the constabulary I'm proud to work for, which is Wiltshire. We have robustly investigated and convicted people who've committed this crime. The officers I know and myself place victim focus as our priority. It's why we do what we do. And I

would urge anyone listening to this who has not been taken seriously to write directly to their chief constable. This is a straightforward process via police websites. You are exactly right to highlight the pertinent point that exposure is indeed a massive red flag regarding sexual offences and the propensity to commit further and even more serious crimes. There are some excellent officers out there who work tirelessly to get these people in front of a judge and the CPS. I'm sorry that Lucy had the experience where she had to tell the police how to do their job.

And thank you to that police officer who we won't name. I don't know. I caught, I wasn't going to watch all of it. I wasn't going to watch any of it. But the BBC Sarah Everard documentary last night, didn't see all of it. But I saw about 45 minutes. It's simply, it's enraging and it's deeply, deeply upsetting. I mean, if you haven't seen it, it's on the iPlayer. I don't know whether I'd advise people to watch it.

It just makes you so bloody angry. And, you know, the scenes of how the police dealt with the demonstration on Clapham Common, I hadn't seen some of that footage before and it was horrific. It was so, so badly handled. You'd better remind people just of what that was because it was during COVID, wasn't it? It was in 2021. There were all kinds of restrictions on public gatherings, but what was a peaceful demonstration for people to gather in the

place that sarah everard had gone missing from so the last place that she was and for the police to then turn on the protesters and in in a way meet out a kind of violence to them that all of the women were there to protest against about unbelievable was just boggling of the mind, wasn't it? I mean, for listeners outside the UK, this is a case of a lovely young woman called Sarah Everard who was walking home and was killed, murdered by a serving police officer. So it's something, actually, honestly,

I don't think I've been as shocked by a murder in this country, obviously with some exception, as that one. It was just dreadful. It was the unrave unraveling wasn't it yeah afterwards of what other police officers had known about and seen and Wayne Cousins had been uh you know for 20 30 years known to be a man who indulged in all kinds of hardcore pornography his nickname was the rapist. It was just astonishing. And there have been several really good reports, haven't there?

The Casey report, the Angelini report, which have detailed how police officers need to change. And you've just got to hope that it is a turning point. There's other stuff there. Thank you to everybody who's emailed. I don't need to mention the name of this listener, but she says, I've had several concerning experiences involving the police. once when a roofer who was working on our house googled me then sent me snapshots he'd found on whatsapp he was also verbally abusive we

called the police and they did come round and the builder was then abusive to them and they still did nothing i went to the police station about this builder i waited for three hours nobody saw me i was a woman alone and it could have been anything I was coming to report. They didn't know what it was. I mean, that just is just pathetic. Anyway, I'm sorry that you had that experience. We've had many more on indecent exposure, haven't we? a lot about the menopause and lots of people saying, Jane, no, because you voiced your concern that the menopause is being talked about too much. And that women, well, actually, what was your point? That women, you don't want older women to be identified as menopausal or post-menopausal because it conveys a kind of disparaging image of life. I kind of just don't want us to be solely identified by what stage of the hormonal journey we're on. And actually, to be honest, I've been slightly vindicated today

by the report that suggests that maybe the constant talking about the menopause and its horrors, which I absolutely do not deny, might be terrifying some younger women into thinking, oh, my God, my life's going to be over by the time I hit 47. But as our correspondent illustrated she's still menstruating away at the age of 56 and a half she's as happy as larry okay uh so no it's a it's a it's a really um it's it's a difficult one i just don't think we get we don't identify men by whether or not they're at the stage where they need viagra do we maybe we

should maybe we should start that. But I do disagree, actually, and I heard that doctor who had written in The Lancet talk this morning, and she just made me really annoyed, actually, Jane. I don't think I heard her. I'm sure I would have been annoyed. Well, because isn't the point that... And actually, she did make the point that it's a conversation, the conversation about the menopause is usually a first person experience conversation. So if you've kind

of sailed through it, or it just didn't last very long, or it didn't really knock you sideways, then you're pretty certain that you know everything about the menopause, but that's from your perspective. And, you know, she was saying that there are too many celebrities who are telling their stories and they are the horrendous stories. Well, they're not all horrendous, are they? I mean, I think there's got to be an acknowledgement that there can be many physical and I think actually probably more significantly, certainly in my case, mental health challenges.

You know, the anxiety needs to be absolutely acknowledged and discussed. And for far far too long all this was so stigmatized that you couldn't acknowledge it at all yeah so i'm really grateful that we're acknowledging it now i think i think it's a good thing i reserve the right to be utterly inconsistent okay i think it's the menopause it may well be but um but thank you for everybody who has got involved in the conversation actually and and just this one from georgina uh i think is quite interesting uh it's about a bad trauma of birth as well but uh she then goes on to say after the birth of my daughter and then twins in my early 30s i became unbearably low the doctor put me on antidepressants as a matter of course assuming that it was delayed onset of

postnatal depression and dealing with three tiny children I knew it wasn't solving the cause and it never sat well with me I left my job I struggled as a mum and in my relationship and only after speaking with medical friends did I get a referral to an early menopause clinic to have my hormones checked and was soon diagnosed with premature ovarian insufficiency. As Georgina says, oh, how to make a woman feel they're underachieving in the ovary department. I was duly offered HRT, for which I'm very thankful. While I know that menopause is talked about more often these days, in my opinion, I still don't think ever enough, especially for a younger audience.

Knowing more about menopause in my 30s would have helped me greatly. And I think friends, family and colleagues who merely thought I was a grumpy new mum, and sometimes just a bit sweaty. When I did try and tell some people I was met with little sympathy or understanding. Dealing with three children under two and the menopause is quite something. I would never wish it on anyone, but I'm blessed I had my family and now as friends approach the perimenopause, I do feel like there is some sort of understanding. And I think that's the point, that you can have this huge conversation and for one younger woman it might be slightly terrifying,

but for another younger woman it's absolutely going to save her bacon. And so when the younger woman who thinks it's absolutely terrifying gets to it herself, at least she'll be armed with some knowledge. Yeah, I mean, low expectations are the key, aren't they? Yeah. They've certainly carried me through life, working so far. I just wanted to mention Emma, because this is... I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

And reading between the lines, I think she's having a really tough time. Jane and Fee, I had a blissful and very healthy pregnancy, but I was bullied into an early induction, which led to a two-week stay in hospital as they repeatedly failed to work. Oh, I see you had more than one induction. The result of this was that my son and I contracted an infection which sped up the need for a quick birth, meaning an episiotomy and manual placenta removal.

Both procedures, coupled with the separation from my son as he recovered in the NICU, the premature baby unit, have severely impacted my milk production and I'm still feeling the impact of birth injuries 18 weeks later and I have suspected retained placenta. There's been in my case no aftercare at all and the six-week post-birth review I was offered has now been rescheduled for late April as they are snowed under with others demanding a proper explanation as to what happened to their bodies. So the first four months of motherhood for me have been filled with guilt as I can't fully meet my baby's needs and I'm in physical pain. I can't honestly say if I will ever have the courage to have sex with my husband again, never mind try for another baby. The midwives were wonderful,

but the system is so broken. Emma, I am so sorry. That is absolutely shit. And you have every reason to feel that the system has completely let you down. I wonder whereabouts in the country you are. The system has completely let you down. I wonder whereabouts in the country you are. Write again and tell us if you, I mean, tell us, first of all, how you are now. And I'm horrified that you've got to wait now until, well, basically another eight weeks before she can be seen. That just seems completely ridiculous.

Yeah, because surely things will, you know, get set in place in the wrong place and not get set and and things that will be preventable will be preventable if she was seen sooner yeah i would i would absolutely get onto your gp and harangue them until someone someone properly looks at you and takes care of how things are because that doesn't sound right to me and don't feel guilty emma i mean well in a way parenthood is all about guilt motherhood certainly is but it's you're far too early in your parenthood experience to be feeling this guilty. I'm sure you're a brilliant mum. And the most important thing is that you and your son are OK. And it looks as though your son is, you know, is doing fine, thanks to the care that you've given him. And thanks, by the way, to the quite important fact that you gave birth to him, which is something he owes you big time and i hope he repays you in many mother's days to come

yeah i mean you've got a while to wait and also darling don't worry about the sex with your husband i mean really don't think about having another baby at this point either no don't i mean it's all been a bit um not dark exactly but serious this time around but that's because um you know we are just able to talk about anything here, which is one of the great things about Au Faire. But I want to say, Fia's going to do a beautiful reading quite soon from a major showbiz autobiography. So Jane had the brilliant idea today that we should just do readings

from the autobiographies that we've got, and biographies, that we've got on our shelves at home, which span. Well, you've got a nice little excerpt from Sophia Loren you want to bring to the group. Well, I have her cookbook. I thought I might bring that in tomorrow. I think we didn't hear enough from Beefy Botham. Beefy Botham is still waiting in the drawer. I'm just giving him a little bit of quiet time. OK. And then we'll bring him back. We had a short spurt from him yesterday. Good Lord.

A quick one from Slightly Tipsy of Kent, who's got very fond memories of the Lido of her childhood. Danson Park in SIGCUP forward slash Bexley Heath, depending on your snobbiness. I was in SIGCUP. Obviously, it didn't matter. I can remember walking to the Lido around the age of seven with my two older siblings,

not an adult to be seen, just three very young people walking about 1.5 miles, decimalisation kills a sentence, to the open air swimming pool and spending the day there, splashing about, eating ice cream and just having fun. I know I'm seeing it all now through rose-coloured glasses and that people who lived at the coast or within walking distance of some kind of natural water swimming did and probably will sneer at a Lido but I agree with V that everyone should be within walking distance of a swimming opportunity.

My great-aunt Rose met her future husband at the same Lido way back in the 1940s and slightly tipsy says, I've been out for drinks with a friend this evening, I'm on the train on the way home, I'm next to a lady scoffing a family bag of Maltesers who hasn't offered them around.

Oh, that's a shame. Really rude, isn't it? People are horrible, aren't they? Yeah. But do you know what? The Lido thing for kids is just so fantastic because there's always a lifeguard. There are always lots of other people around.

It's quite an enclosed space. So, you know, kids, I think you can let your kids go to a Lido. As long as they can swim. As long as they can swim. As long as they can swim. Well, they always get tested in our Lido. Oh, do they? They're not allowed in until they've been tested. Well, how do they test them? Make them swim up and down a whole length. That's a bit dangerous if they can't swim. You can't get the band.

No, and then there's a separate bit that they have to stay in if they don't get the band. Oh. Yeah. But I know accidents can happen, but actually it is quite a it's a safe environment where there are just loads of other people around. So if you see a kid in trouble, you always ask them if they're all right and stuff. But it is a lovely thing to do as a kiddie.

A couple of quickies. One from Jane, who says, an older friend of mine said to me, it's a good day if she wakes up and is not looking at wood. Thank you, Jane. And from Penny, this is about the benefits of being 60. Jane and Fi, here in Richmond-upon-Thames. Oh, how lovely. We've got listeners in Richmond-upon-Thames. That's very posh. Upon.

I like any place that's upon something. Here in Richmond-upon-Thames, for residents aged 60 and above visitors parking permits are half price so thoughtful of the council to encourage visitors as one gets older. Penny thank you. I sort of half might move to Richmond when I'm a bit older. I can see you in Richmond. Yes I think it's very sophisticated. Quite a few of our showbiz lady pals live out there don't they? Well they do they do and also I can see you with a dog later in life.

Yes, I would hope to have one. I'm thinking some kind of a small terrier. Yes, it would be a big one. And it would depend on Dora's cooperation. Yeah. Are you ready for Symes? Well, do we need to say who Simon Bates is? He's been very much with us.

We did check on that, didn't we? I haven't, actually. You better go on the Google, Eve. Because you go on the Google. So Simon Bates is, well, as he says in the front cover of his autobiography, Which is called? My Tune.

Lovely. The inside story from radio's top DJ. So Simon's... Not debatable, I would say. He's still alive. How old is he? 77. But he looks good on it. Simon Bates did Radio 1's

mid-morning show. Radio 1 where he's got a lovely lovely deep voice. Deep timbre voice. I think quite often came to work in a blazer and his contribution to the annals of radio history was a feature called our tune my tune archie archie i mean it's slightly odd

that was the music that he came to work in a blazer as a dj on the youth network it's all a bit there are some questions here, aren't there? There are. But Archie was deeply moving and somebody would write in about something that had happened in their life and there was a specific tune at the end that reminded them of that. And there would be truckers pulling over in

lay-bys, weeping across the motorways of the country at Archie. There was something about the way that Symes told the stories, Jane, which did make weeping a thing at the end. But anyway, he had his kind of high times and low times at Radio 1 and then he left. At showbiz.

And he went to Classic FM, didn't he? Yes. He's not there anymore. No. No. Anyway, look, his autobiography is just spectacular. There are so many bits. What year did it come out?

That I could read. Oh, God, now you're really testing me. No, I'm just, because this is of interest. People are anoraks. They want to know this sort of stuff. So, do you know what? My science knowledge, I mean, it's not... Well, it'll say so at the beginning, won't it?

Just trying to find it. Copyright and all that stuff. Hang on a second. I'm going to guess at 1988. Oh, no. This is 1994. Goodness me. Okay, right. no, this is 1994. Goodness me. Okay, right. Okay, here we go. So this is

Simon's, it's quite late on in the book, and he's talking about nightclubs. Musical venues. Here we go, everybody. I know what's coming, so I just can't. No, I'm not doing that bit. Oh, you're not doing that bit? You want me to do the bit about the newsreader? Yeah, I really do. coming so I just can't no I'm not doing that bit I'm not doing that bit oh you're not doing that bit you want me to do the bit

about the newsreader yeah I really do no I do I'm going to do nightclubs today okay and then we'll work up to I'll come to newsreader because this is fantastic Jane

the motivation for going to a club is purely sexual I'm not going to manage this bear in mind he was I'm not going to manage this. Bear in mind, he was, I'm just working it out. It's 30 years ago when this was published.

He'd be 47. Yeah. Right, here we go. Right, concentrate, concentrate. Yeah, come on. You can do it. Yeah. The motivation,

just look the other way, don't make me laugh. The motivation for going to a club is purely sexual and that's always been the case. The object is to strut and pose, maybe seduce and certainly get laid. But having observed from a privileged perch in hundreds of discos,

getting laid after an off-chance meeting in the average club in the 90s is just about as unlikely as I'm told it was in the 30s. Men still preen and gossip at the bar, moodily eyeing the women for availability. Men still preen and gossip at the bar, moodily eyeing the women for availability. Girls still dance warily around their handbags and go to the loo far more often than is necessary. Oh, gosh. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

One night, bored to death, I did some basic research and noted that men go to the lavatory as a function. I can't do it. You pick it up. It's from there. It's just, it's Alan Partridge to the power of part. One night, bored to death, I did some basic research and noted that men go to the lavatory as a function.

They go by the quickest route there and back to their drink. Women never go by a direct route. They walk around the club, taking their time to note the talent and the opposition, and the number of visits to the loo climbs proportionately, depending on how boring the other women are that they're with. This is mass observation by a man. I can't believe it. Some coupling is possible. But the chances are that most will go home with the friends they arrived with.

The exception to this rule are the clubs in the holiday resorts. There, the joints and the hormones are jumping. And it's all a decent bouncer can do to stop the customers copulating in their seats. Simon, what were you thinking of? Shall I move on to just the... Oh, my God. He does some kind of appearances as well. Well, he would do. He was a superstar DJ.

Yeah, and he says, I was in deep trouble financially going through a phase when it was necessary to work as hard and as fast as I could to get myself out of a financial mire. Was that the fault of a lady? I don't know. At this time in the mid-80s I had no idea how secure I was at Radio 1 and having some rather large bills to pay I spent most of my evenings driving up the M1 or across the country on the M4.

Name that motorway. These could often be pleasant evenings, but the downside was the drive back to London. Arriving about three in the morning, there was no point in booking a hotel, so I'd often sleep in the car in the BBC car park. Rake is the attendant, knocked on the window and told me it was 6.30 and time to go to work. I must have been

in a coma for a couple of years doing this. Certainly, I can't remember a great deal about what went on. I mean, that's dreadful, isn't it? Yeah. These events weren't always packed to the rafters. Don't worry, everyone, it's coming to a close soon. There were times when people just didn't come. I once swaggered out onto the stage,

not having been warned that there were only 20 people in the place. I somehow sweatily got through my allotted time and limped back to work the following day. I warned Peter Powell, Radio 1 DJ, who was doing the following week's celebrity appearance that it might not be a busy night, so at least when he turned up, the small audience would not come as a nasty surprise.

Not only was Peter well-prepared, he triumphed. There were 23 people milling around despondently when he appeared. He smiled at them, leapt off the stage and spent the evening getting them drunk. I have to say that you've left the best to last. And tomorrow we'll pay another visit to Batesy's book, My Tune, which is a cunning wordplay, of course, on our tune. Very, very clever that. Tomorrow's instalment's terrible, actually.

Who's published that? That's published by Virgin. Right. OK, so if you have a favourite male showbiz autobiography... I think the autobiographies are the best, aren't they? They are. There are some really funny ones. I mean, I don't think... Is it that just men are just not as self-aware?

It's a generalisation, I know, but I just think women are better at telling stories against themselves. Although, to be fair, Batesy is very humble there and acknowledges that little Peter attracted three more people to his disco appearance. I know. But just whatever page I open up, there's just something... Her name was Myrie. She had the most beautiful long black hair and an enchanting smile. I had a sneaking suspicion she knew more about life than I did. That's the opening of chapter four. I'd like to meet her. She could teach me a thing or two as well.

Right. Do you know what? I think you're in this book somewhere, Jane. I am not. Have a very average evening. We'll be like us. We'll be back tomorrow on International Women's Day Eve. Another big day. Good night. Good night. You did it.

Elite listener status for you for getting through another half hour or so of our whimsical ramblings. Otherwise known as the hugely successful podcast Off Air with Jane Garvey and Fee Glover. We missed the modesty class. Our Times Radio producer is Rosie Cutler, the podcast executive producer. It's a man. It's Henry Tribe.

Yeah, he's an executive. Now, if you want even more, and let's face it, who wouldn't, then stick Times Radio on at 3 o'clock Monday until Thursday every week and you can hear our take on the big news stories of the day as well as a genuinely interesting mix of brilliant and entertaining guests on all sorts of subjects. Thank you for bearing with us. And we hope you can join us again on Off Air very soon.