Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Vodka with a gherkin on a Sunday morning

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

Welcome to this email-only and travel-special episode! There’s mention of Avanti West, rail replacements, speed-walking, front seats, buses, the DLR, and airport shuttles… Enjoy! No guest today but please send your suggestions for the next book club pick! If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Have you ever been to a Banya, one of those East European... I have. Yeah. Well... Did you get thrashed by some birch twigs? I was in the same room as people who were being thrashed with birch twigs and I have to say, Fee, it was a new one on me. Where did you do yours?

Well, in Bucharest. Oh yes. Of course, darling. I did mine in East West Kensington. I tell you what, it's very good to see Basingstoke having its moment on the podcast. Is that where we shall start? Welcome by the way. Let's start in Basingstoke. Can I just say it's a beautiful spring day here in London and I hope it's good where you are. I appreciate that it takes in quite a few locations but Britain has its problems with the weather but we do do a lovely spring, well we are doing at the moment.

It has finally arrived. Here's Wendy Stretch. I've smiled to myself over the past couple of weeks about your occurring thread on the podcast but now it's time. What if I told you you could live in a place which was under an hour from London one way and an hour from the coast the other way? There was only 40 minutes from the New Forest National Park, had two beautiful, can't say the word, playhouses. There was only 25 minutes from the historic city of Winchester that's surrounded by beautiful villages, both being the founding place of Burberry and the birthplace of Jane Austen and has a trendy brewery run by Sarah Ferguson's brother. Well.

That's it. Sign me up I hear you cry when can I move in. Where is this place? Basingstoke. We love hearing people take the piss out of where we live as it keeps the idiots away. Sniffy people who make assumptions about Basingstoke crack on we say. It's the best kept secret and we like it this way and here comes the most fantastic anecdote. Fun fact Liz Hurley's mum was my third year junior school teacher and was fabulous. She

invited all of her pupils to her house in the summer to swim in her pool. I loved her, she was uber glam. Many many years ago I was walking in North Waltham, a lovely village near Basingstoke where Fee once lived, I did when I was absolutely tiny, when a sleek blacked out windowed car silently pulled up next to me to ask for directions. Inside was Liz Hurley, Liam and Noel Gallagher and Patsy Kensett looking for Liz's mum's newly moved in two house, you can't tell me that's happening at East West Kensington or Walthamstow. Oh Wendy, that's actually brilliant. And that was back in the day when Liam and Noel would get in the same car together. Yes, because as we know, the notoriously fiery brothers don't talk to each other.

Although, although, they managed to come back together for their Super Sellout summer tour. Funny that, I've always, always believed their brotherly relations or lack of them was just one massive massive con. Oh no I've never thought it was a con. I think the con part is their ability to make up later in life and sail off into the sunset together. I truly believe that they do not do not do not get on with each other at all. Except when they do. Except when they do. Yep. And can I just say, Wendy, you've mentioned a podcast that so many other people have mentioned too. So I'm going to get going on it this evening on my way home. It's called Strangers on a Bench. Wendy says it's pure

magic conversations between the podcast host and a stranger on a bench on Hampstead Heath. It sounds glorious. And I love anything that's got like normal people in it, as people in the newsrooms always say. Anyone got any normal people we can contact on this issue because we're so special. And also the gift Wendy recommends, which looks at stories about DNA tests given as a gift with unwanted outcomes. Jane's downloading that later, just as a piece of research. Yes. Let's move on.

No, I don't think there's anything particularly untoward about my sister's DNA. She's coming to stay next week, so perhaps I'll do a bit of my own testing. Nick says, it's me again. He who pleaded with you not to do the Scouse vocal and oboe rendition of the Spinner's classic work, In My Liverpool Home. Well we're still working on that. I think if we ever do another live show, I think Fee will most definitely get her oboe and then we will learn together how to do some sort of rendition of In My Liverpool Home. You could do the oboe accompaniment, I could probably get my old school choir to turn up to sing In My Liverpool Home. That would be great wouldn't it, because Alistair Campbell gets his bagpipes out, doesn't it, at his live shows.

He's been done for it several times. God, that was pathetic, but still worth doing. Yes, let's see if we can. I don't know all the words to In My Liverpool Home, but I can look them up. Apropos of nothing other than your informative segment about turf and pitch care magazine. I just want to add this says Nick, for your northern American audience should you choose to do another reference to turf and pitch care the word you need is sod. The term turf didn't actually make it across with the Mayflower generally speaking of course. In the US the

magazine would probably be called sod and field care which to us sounds more like a requirement after an unruly young farmers event. Another affirmation of the adage two nations separated by a common language. Thanks for being Podilicious Nick. The term turf didn't make it across with the Mayflower but they'd say sod instead. So Nick what do you call your plastic grass? Do you not call it astroturf? Well Nick's here, so he would call it grass. Yeah, but turf, astroturf. We may not get to the end of this. No. Good luck if you're trying to. Yes, yes. Sod and Phil. Thank you very much, Nick. Now, I just briefly want to shout out, because you never, I mean, I'm just baffled by the

people who listen to this, us. And this is from a woman who actually went to the aforementioned Birkenstead Golf Club during Covid and quite deliberately had a picnic with our offspring on one of the much cared for greens. I mean, who knew? The Friday walk I particularly remember and was reminded of while listening to your podcast recently was our sweetie picnic on the golf club green

at Bercumstead during COVID. We weaved daringly through the sprinklers, didn't know it was new or indeed that it had made such a splash in the turf magazine you mentioned. And we giggled as I told them that nobody in the history of the world would have been so bold as to have a sweetie picnic on a golf course. This was not allowed and lots of men would be very cross, as it was in the pandemic of course, but we could sit and enjoy our picnic knowing the pandemic had made this possible somehow. It felt really naughty. We're facing GCSEs now and my daughter still remembers this particular outing as

being a poke in the eye for the golfing elite, including Trump, who'd become a household name amongst small kids even by then. It was only the year before I'd held up my placard outside Chequers, which is nearby, when Trump made an unwelcome visit. I remember going to St. Andrews as a child and the clear no women signs at the clubhouse so it felt two decent fingers up to the patriarchal establishment whilst enjoying my lovely children before they hit their secondary school and all the angst I knew it would bring. Thank you for resurfacing this particularly joyous and likely to be our only visit to Berkhamsted Golf Club. Well, good on you for going. Fabulous. And also what a fantastic place to have

a picnic because those greens would be so beautifully manicured. Won't mention the woman's name because obviously she's committed a criminal and serious golfing offending. That's not true. And well done for protesting as well. I do think we just, we forget how angry we all were the first time we were with President Trump. And actually it was the first protest that I ever took my kids to was the one against Trump. We have walked against some other things since. But it just seemed so outrageous and there were so many people there and I don't suppose that they've had their heads turned towards the Magga movement between now and then. I wouldn't have thought so. No, I wouldn't have thought so either. So yes, Birkenstead Golf Club, have you ever

been? Does that make you want to take up your swing again? Can I just say you do go through Birkenstead on Avanti West services up north. And just wave at it. So I do wave at it. It does look, it's very much a glorious home county's place. Yeah. It does look lovely. It's got a sort of ruin just outside which I'm always slightly puzzled by.

So if our Burkhamsted audience can furnish me with the details about what that is, it's just a series of stone walls are all that remain but it's right by the railway line. Okay. Can I throw one in as well that other people might be able to answer? So if you're taking the train out of London on the Reading Swindon line so just I think probably after you get past a big bend in the river just the other side of Reading yeah this side no this side of Reading there neglected, fading, falling down white mansion on the left hand side that's now got some blue tarpaulin over it, which just looks so beautiful. And I can't work out, and I have tried literally, you know, looking on the map and trying to flesh it out from there as we whizz past, but I've never managed to ascertain exactly what it is.

But it just looks like a glorious place and because there are some very very wealthy people who live in that part of England I'm amazed that somebody hasn't brought that up because it must have the most incredible vista or out across the River Thames and the train line would be far enough away wouldn't really bother you so I'd like an answer to that too. I think that's very interesting. I think I know what the place you mean. Do you? I think so. Very beautiful white Palladian mansion. Yeah, it's the white that really sticks out. But that's one of the great frustrations of train travel,

is that sometimes you do whiz past things that look, well just raise questions, shall we say, and you think what's gone on there, what's going on there, what could that be, what was that? All of those things, really interesting. Yeah, when you think what's gone on there what's going on there what could that be what was that all of those things really interesting yeah when you don't get better on the rail replacement bus service well nice Mother's Day by the way did the trains function there and I was a daughter on Saturday which is lovely and honestly about a lovely time I took my slow-cooked Nancy Burke whistle ragu up north and it went down very well I think my dad said this is nice mince and I said it's ragu dad please get that right. I spent nine hours

cooking that. Well I mean it spent nine hours cooking. You didn't spend nine hours cooking it. It's not a swan. What do you call that funny thing which is a sparrow inside a pigeon inside a swan. I've yet to try that up north, but I think it'll be a while. But no, it was absolutely lovely. And then yesterday I visited. Have you ever been to a Banya, one of those East European... I have, yeah. Yeah, well... Did you get thrashed by some birch twigs?

I was in the same room as people who were being thrashed with birch twigs. And I have to say, Fee, it was a new one on me. Where did you do yours? Well in Bucharest. Oh yes. Of course darling. I did mine in East West Kensington. Not quite the same. But winter bedding would be the same. One of the snacks they offered, because you get a kind of booth, you know, where you rest between treatments and one of the snacks they offered was, well it was, sorry, a drink, was a big, big schooner of vodka with a great big gherkin in it.

Lovely. I just thought, who honestly wants to spend their Sunday morning drinking vodka with a gherkin in it? And, yeah, okay. I'd love the gherkin, I want to drink the vodka, I'd love the gherkin. Yes, I would much prefer the gherkin. No, it was very funny, It was my first time and... Did you have the scraping?

No, no I didn't. I just had a massage. Okay. Which was lovely actually. He was a very good chap. He knew what he was doing. He said I was very tense and my posture was terrible. I get that very middle-aged woman thing of neck, headaches, shoulder pain. But that's partly because we are both sitting hunched in front of screens and the screens are always at the wrong height yeah but I'm other professions bring with them their own very real

dangers obviously we're very very lucky but he's definitely sorted me out I was floating on air when I left but the birch twigs thing I don't whether you saw this in Bucharest was the fact that before they, the chaps doing the birching were sort of wearing shorts, flip-flops and the banya hats, which are a bit funny, I mean let's just be honest. And they get the, they've got a birch twig in each hand and they do this kind of woooo shake like they're, I don't know, operating an underground station or something, they're sorting the trains out. And there was this kind of woooo before they started doing the whoosh, whoosh, whoosh on the people.

Yeah. Yeah. Is that what they always do? I think so. I mean, I'm not a... Was it like that? Was I being sold a pop, or was it the authentic experience you witnessed in Bucharest? Well, it sounds quite authentic.

I mean, I'm not a veteran of the experience, got nothing to compare it to, but I do remember the scraping, and actually that goes back to Roman times doesn't it, the skin scrape. You know, so you've got a kind of, I mean it's not as sharp as a knife, but you've got a wooden comb with quite a sharp edge and after you've got all hot and sweaty they just scrape all of the dead layers of skin off. I do remember thinking oh please please don't do the birch twigs after this because that's really gonna hurt. But weirdly it didn't hurt. I don't remember any of it hurting. And I do remember coming out feeling cleaner than I'd ever felt in my life. Squeaky clean. Literally squeaky clean. Soaky, literally squeaky clean.

So when you had the birch twigs applied, did you also wear something on your head, a kind of seaweed-y type contraption that some of the people seem to be wearing? No, I honestly can't remember that. I think we did all have, we had cotton hats that were cold. So you could dip your cotton, like a bobble hat,

you could dip your cotton bobble hat in ice cold water and you put it on your head, which meant that you could withstand the heat in the sauna and then the dunking bath and then the Slab that you were lying on in order to have all of your skin scraped off But it struck me as a very very pleasing thing to go and do once a week a really lovely thing to go and do with friends and to get into a routine of doing with kind of none of the fuss associated with our equivalents which is just much more about beauty now isn't it? It's not really about just being clean and getting... giving yourself a good going over. Yeah. I did

feel great. I mean I drank lemon and ginger tea and all the toxins came out of my body and then I went home and had a load of taramusselata and bread. Lovely. I thought you were going to have a fag and some chips. We'll see how long a good mood lasts during the week. I've gone into an accident. I'm so sorry. Yes. Alison is in Birkhamsted. Birkhamsted. Birkhamsted. I couldn't resist sending this gem to you, spotted while I was doom scrolling and waiting

for my offspring to arise from their pits and tell me what a great mother I am. Hope that happened for you, Alison. We've all had those moments, yes. It turned out that if a woman wanted a career in the Metropolitan Police in the 1930s she had to, number one, have brains, number two, give up all thoughts of marriage, note that widows are particularly sought after, number three, be fairly good looking and best of all, number four, be hefty. Alison has included the most extraordinary copy of an advertisement from the Metropolitan Police to attempt to recruit more women into the force in London in the 1930s.

And the headline is, hefty girls wanted for police force. Women with brains plus good physique are wanted, the pay and prospects are good, but they must never marry or their career will end. And they've put an exclamation mark after that, cos that's hilarious. They're needed as recruits from the Metropolitan Police Force and Sir Philip Game, Chief Commissioner, and Miss Pito, Chief of the Women's Branch, are making a special appeal to spinsters and widows, girls in universities and public schools, and girls with training in nursing and social work, married women need not apply.

Good Pay is being offered 53 shillings, three pence a week, with free quarters in special hostels but a high standard of intelligence tact and physique is being demanded the recruits must be at least five feet four inches high and they must be hefty enough to withstand a rough and tumble and they must be fairly good-looking well you're gonna have to put some explicit lyrics content on this Eve, but bugger off! Unbelievable! Absolutely unbelievable.

Fairly. Fairly good looking, hefty enough to withstand a rough and tumble. Hefty enough, well, what's... Just what was going on? Well, I don't... I mean, you know, there's still a lot wrong with the Met actually and indeed. Going back you can see where some of it's come from. Well that's of its time isn't it Alison? What a very good spot thank you for sending it in. It's history and memes is what she was

looking at on Instagram. I think I either follow that account or I'm constantly being pummeled by it. It can be rather good but I don't know about you, you know you sometimes get these films of, early films of life in London for example and you see all these people bustling around Piggy Dilly Circus going about their business, hopping on and off buses. I actually find them incredibly sad because I just think, I know it's ludicrous but I just think they'll all be dead now and they're just sort of going about their business, obviously not having any idea that a hundred years from then I'd be gawping at them as I crunched on my bagel first thing in the morning. I don't know, it's ludicrous. I just find it all a bit tragic.

Okay, I really like looking at them. I like them because I'm amazed by it, but I just feel a bit sad. Okay. Well, fair enough. Fair enough. But what I love about them is they tell you so much just because of people's posture and the speed at which people walk and the way that they carry themselves. I always become a bit obsessed by that because everybody just is more upright. Yes, I think you're right about that, actually, oddly. Why would that be? Well, they're not hunching, are they?

And they appear, and I don't know whether it's because the film always seems to be going a little bit too fast, but they appear to be walking at speed with a purpose that we just don't carry ourselves with. Oh, come on. The speed at which you walk is something I have marvelled at for quite some time now. And the Glover bustle. Maybe I just need to get myself back in time. I think you've come from another time. It's just extraordinary. I mean we just if we leave the building at the same time I just have to say no you go because I can't because she just motors to the tube in a way that is I mean it's absolutely extraordinary. My kids hate it because if we were ever in a railway

station or an airport, as my daughter once said, it's like being with the airtasker. It's just like I've gone. Road runner. I'm in a different country by the time they've got to security. Sorry about that. Catherine says, I also love sitting at the front of buses. But the peak of fun is the front seat of the DLR. Shout out for the Docklands Light Railway. When you really can

pretend you're driving that. At the age of 62, says Catherine, I regularly push small boys out of the way so I can pretend to drive the train. That's excellent, we've all done it. Also a shout out to my sister Laura who bought tickets for your Barbican show and bought me a glass of wine. Well, I made it there from a Rome race in Worcester. I saw the second half which is great. Right, Catherine, you probably did well to miss the first half. I don't know which one of the shows you saw. Both halves were excellent, she said defensively. But yes, the DLR is an absolute treat for people who just like to fantasise about being in charge of a moving vehicle.

treat for people who just like to fantasize about being in charge of a moving vehicle. And you've got the north to the south terminal thingy haven't you in Gatwick as well? I don't feel the romance there. Do you not? No, okay. No, I've tried, it doesn't work. I'm gonna keep yours Lottie in West Sussex. We will have a bigger email special coming our way at some point and it's about the term feminism and equalism so I've given this an awful lot of thought I've inhaled deeply and I'm gonna get back to you on that one. I am a snorer says Jeremy I'm a snorer and I've slept in the spare room for the last few years we're fortunate to have a spare room but it has meant my wife and I've both slept better. I do slip into my

wife's bed at 7 a.m. for a cuddle before making the tea which we also enjoy in bed together. Have you got a tea's made Jeremy? We're about to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary so I now need to plan something special. Love the show, long time listener. Well Jeremy you sound like a keeper. So you're both getting a very nice night apart but you're having a nice rejoinder in the morning and then you're hopping out and you're both getting a very nice night apart, but you're having a nice rejoinder in the morning and then you're hopping out and you're making a cup of tea. Take note everybody, that's excellent work. It is good work.

I mean the teas made has always slightly baffled me. I don't know if they are still a massive thing. But surely, I mean if the whole point is to allow you to stay in bed and not have to go downstairs to make a kettle brew and all the rest of it. But you still have to get up to go to the loo, wouldn't you? Who can honestly drink first thing in the morning without having spent a productive penny before they do so? Yeah.

But I suppose if you just didn't want to leave the warm and comfy environs of your chamber, you could just have a pot, underneath the bed. So you could just have a little, a little whittle and a wazz, and then hop back in and wait for the tea to brew. I just always thought the tea spade was just really comical. It just seemed so complicated, because it didn't have a refrigerated element to it, so you couldn't keep the milk fresh. A little jug of milk.

Yeah, so that would have gone off. And it just didn't seem to be worth the hassle at all. And you sip your cuppa first thing in the morning with just that heady aroma of the night's piddle fermenting in what my nan used to call it, the gazonda goes under the bed. And the Gazonda. Yeah. Not really.

Well, and what you need, so, you know, if people can't get hold of a teacmate, get hold of a Jeremy. Is Jeremy available for hire? Where do you live, Jeremy? We've had, I mean, we've had Birkensted and Basingstoke in the spotlight. Somewhere else beginning with B needs to hove into U. Oh, well, North Berwick. Oh, North Berwick, Oh North Berwick but we'll allow it. Yeah so lots of people are very very happy that we're going to pitch up in North Berwick.

Brighton? No we're not talking about Brighton. Shush Eve for the sake. Brighton gets enough attention it's the right blousy place. Always looking for attention. Lynn is one of several who is very excited that we are attending the Fringe by the Sea Festival. Lyn says I live 300 meters from the big top that you'll be performing in. I am excited and I want to offer a my lovely bathroom instead of a portico. Hands up who wants that? Yes very much so. All three of us in the studio. Thank you Lyn. And B a personal shopping experience in the fantastic local hardware store that you will

definitely need to visit whilst in the town. I'm already compiling a list. I tell you what, it sounds like our sort of place doesn't it? Can you tell us what's so special about it? Just the hardware store. Then come back to us on that. We do need to know more. I mean, you know, I'm a bit of a prepper. So what could I get from that establishment that could see me through the apocalypse? Yeah, only this weekend I needed a new little strip

of LED lights. Oh, in the kitchen? Yes, well, actually inside the fridge. Because at the moment when I'm opening it, it's having a disco every time. Seriously. A light explosion. Yeah, it's flickering on and off.

And by the time I've decided what pickle I want, I think actually I'm on the verge of having a fit. So I want one of those and then I need some more of those just very, very tiny little, very slender gold tacks in order to put up some bunting in the kitchen. So that's two things that are on the list. You're putting up bunting in the kitchen? Very much so. Is this in celebration of?

I can't tell you the secret. North Berwick is Scotland's saffron wall pregnant. Are you pregnant? No, sadly. Sadly, my extenuating ovulation has finally come to an end. Has it? Okay, well, it was always going to happen. However hard you work at your quick walking, you are not going to be able to keep

evaluating forever. Yes go on. North Berwick is Scotland's South from Walden. Voted the best place to live. I'd love to show you around if you've got an hour or two to spare. I'm still pinching myself you're coming to our town. I tell everybody your podcast is brilliant. My husband tried it in a car journey once and didn't like it but then I tried his podcast called The Spectator and I can't understand why we love each other. Right, we definitely would like to see you, we'd like to meet you and very much so we would hugely appreciate a tidy private bathroom instead of a chemical toilet. Sean says I'm just trying to clean and tidy my absent at uni daughters. Well, she'll be back soon because the Easter holidays are well starting at Britain's universities I mean I think from experience they

dribble on for about seven or eight weeks then they nip back to their university town for two weeks then it's the summer holiday anyway uh Shan says just trying to clean and tidy my absent at uni daughter's blue tack festoon bedroom before guests arrive the chat about stamps reminded me of a conversation I had in the office with my mostly Gen Z team recently. I asked if anybody had a first class stamp as I only had a second, and I had a next day due birthday card to post. She's an old optimist as Sian,

thinking it would get there in a day. How long have you lived in Britain, Sian? Anyway, she carries on. The usual chatty gang went silent. Tight words, I thought. But then one of them, male, 27, piped up, I've never actually bought a stamp. The others, all female, aged 21 to 30, agreed, they'd never bought a single stamp.

Eve, have you bought stamps? One or two. First or second class? Second. Second, God almighty. I asked them, what about postcards home from holiday? Descend to a love one or to enter a competition? First or second class? Second. Second, God almighty. I ask them, what about postcards home from holiday? To send to a loved one or to enter a competition?

Send to a loved one. Alright, doesn't love them that much, does she? What about postcards home from holiday? Thank you notes, Christmas or birthday cards? Solicitors letters, I ventured. The answer from this bright, usually quite thoughtful bunch. Moon pig, text, don't or never have sent. I was horrified.

I'm 54 and I usually try to stay relevant because I edit a couple of websites for students so I need to know all about social media. But this revelation made me feel incredibly past it. Age is clearly not just a number. So, Sian, who buys stamps. I buy stamps, you buy stamps. I do buy stamps and I treat them with incredible reverence now. It would be a

bit like having a can of very expensive Beluga caviar in the fridge, something I've never had, but I do look at a book of stamps in the same way and I think twice before just popping them on any old willy-nilly piece of card. Well exactly. You've got to really qualify very highly in the stakes of love in order for it to be worth it. I mean it is quite extraordinary. I think we're probably not that far away from maybe deciding just to send the letters or cards with a bit of beluga caviar just in the top right hand corner and hope for the best.

Yeah, like that instead. Can we toss this one out there to The Wonderful Hive? It will remain anonymous. I wanted to drop you an email about something that happened to me yesterday. I was in a playground with my four year old who did something that he shouldn't have done. Another parent, forward slash carer, said, well, I wouldn't let my child do,

x, y, or z, essentially implying that she thought my response was disproportionate to his actions and that she was a superior parent. Naturally, I've since thought of numerous pithy comebacks, but at the time all I could muster was an audible wow. We both remained in the playground for some time, she ignored me and my child even when he tried to interact with her in a friendly manner, and I stuck two fingers up to her departing car. Pure art, no. Or we've all done it.

The encounter left me feeling angry, patronised, tearful and I can't stop replaying it in my mind. I'd genuinely come to feel a sense of right on solidarity and sisterhood with all parents of young children and would never, never dream of criticising another parent's parenting in front of them and I naively assumed that all other parents are on the same page. Hey ho, onwards etc. I relayed the encounter to my mum friends on WhatsApp and they called her a knob for wearing all beige to a playground. Much love. Well, I mean she is a knob for wearing all beige to a playground. I would say that suggests that maybe there's not full-time 24-hour care

going on there because nobody was anything other than a dark colour to a playground really. But I think it's a good point. There is a rule of the playground and the childcare facility which certainly I never felt it was breached. You know, I think parents, as all people, can be incredibly judgy behind other people's backs. But there was kind of a code of conduct that if somebody did something that you just didn't approve of, you just kind of turned away, didn't you? I don't think I'd ever criticised somebody. I genuinely wouldn't do it in public. Never did. Unless somebody was being clearly, but

actually I haven't got a single example of anyone behaving in that way that I could. Gosh, I mean I think the sad thing is that sometimes when you see what you think may well be a line being overstepped in terms of just reining kids in or chastising them or whatever, I think actually the whole playground doesn't intervene in that and sometimes you think I wonder if I should have done actually but I never saw anybody do that and I didn't do that myself so I really feel for you I'd say don't don't play it don't don't over keep going over it too much because it would just hurt you and obviously this is just a parent who let her go and do her superior parenting in her beige onesie and see how

that works out for her but absolutely do you know put two fingers up at a departing car and hope that actually she caught that in the rear-view mirror 100% I mean I'm absolutely no I'd have flicked the V's so just let that just put that on your personal file and don't worry about it you've done it and it made you feel better in the moment and we both have done the same. I think there's actually a really nice, or there should be a solidarity about that park playground experience, particularly you know on those days where quite clearly you would all rather be doing something else. Oh totally Jane, there's a look that everyone gives each other which says a thousand words and it's lovely. Yeah. It's a Sunday morning, it's ten past nine. Back in the day you probably

would have been doing something like drinking expensive coffee or even having sex and then you find yourself in a windswept location with a snotty-nosed recalcitrant toddler and you'd all rather be doing something else. But you just smile. I tell you what, Mother's Day passed quickly for you. The joys of motherhood just literally disappeared overnight. Did you have a lovely Mother's Day? Did you get a tribute? Oh do you know what, we went to our favorite park, the flat one in East London, to Vicky Park and we just did a thing that we used to do a lot especially during the pandemic where we'd take Nancy on a big long walk and we'd have something to eat sitting outside on the

benches in a really lovely cafe right in the middle so it was so unpretentious and just you know we all genuinely enjoyed it and we always like laughing at Nancy because she's daft I mean she's a beautiful beautiful dog she's so so thick so there's she's a beautiful, beautiful dog. She's so, so thick. So there's always lots of fun to be had. She's never bought stamps actually. No, she's never bought stamps. No. So she spent about 40 minutes just trying to eat a bag. She was absolutely convinced that there was a sausage roll in it and there wasn't. So no, we had a lovely time actually Jane, absolutely lovely time. Thank you for asking.

And I couldn't get to see my mum because of the rail replacement bus service, but we've got other plans and stuff. And obviously I sent a gift that was probably larger than I am, so she would definitely have felt a presence in her kitchen. Was it an Irish wolfhound? No, it was just an astonishing array of flowers from a well-known flower retailer. Right. But really just vast actually, absolutely vast. You must have paid a lot for that. Well sometimes you've got to dig deep into

your pocket. I just took some mints. Ragu! Sorry, I got it wrong there. No, I just wanted to mention and I won't read it out in detail, Suzy, but one of our emailers has told us that she is looking after her mum in Hampshire who is not too well at all and describes it as a bittersweet experience. I feel so fortunate to have made it back home in time from Australia, she'd been working there, to be with her during these final days. It's peaceful and the love and connection is beautiful. I just wish you both the very, very best. I think it's a really touching email, yours, and how brilliant that you've been able to get back.

Help your dad out and we just both just wish you well. Susie is a long-time listener from Canberra and Hampshire, so lots of love to you. Lots of you, well two of you, but let's exaggerate, lots of you have asked if we could book Brandi Carlisle. We'd love to. We'd absolutely love to. Come in, Brandi. She got in touch last week when we first spoke about her. Yeah, that's a no.

She's not doing any more press movement. She's not doing any more? We're going to stay in touch. Because she would be such an interesting person to talk to. And she's obviously got those kind of inroads into really important, important figures in the music industry. So Joni Mitchell, she's sung on stage with her, didn't she? Yes, I believe so. I didn't know that.

Yep. In a really extraordinary kind of, you know, what may well have been the final return to a big stage for Joni. And then she's done this ITV thing with Elton which apparently is super super lovely. One of those audiences with celebrities and I'm sure you also accustomed to the slightly bitchy website that delivers on what you mean. But yes I know exactly what you're referring to. And I cannot wait to see the ITV setup. Just for a couple of shots that have been mentioned already. No slight on Elton by the way. No, actually nothing to do with Elton. We really really really love

Elton. And just because we like to be super fair about everything, this is an email from Anonymous talking about the fact that she didn't have her children with her on Mother's Day. On this and other significant occasions where my boys are elsewhere, I often have family friends and others who tell me how hard it must be for me, how sad I must feel, how it must be heartbreaking not to spend the day with them. You must be devastated they're not with you, they say. Well honestly, my response takes them off guard. I do not feel that way at all.

Does this make me a bad mother? No, it doesn't. She goes on to say, I live and breathe for my children 11 out of every 14 days. I do this alone. I take my children to activities six days of the week. I make sure they go to school in fancy dress or spotty socks or wearing yellow or whatever it is. She goes on at a bit of length, but I totally get it and absolutely know you must really protect and protect yourself and guard against those people who want to tell you you should be feeling sad when you don't.

I'm very glad that you read that out because I thought exactly the same thing and also shout out to all of the single mums on Mother's Day who actually don't get that luxury of the kids being taken to the playgrounds by their partner because the the playgrounds of East London were absolutely full in the morning. Of men? Of men. Being presumably very lovely and doing an extended Jeremy as we shall now call it. A big Jeremy. You know, why don't you have a couple of hours to yourself for all of the hard work and the chores that you put in the rest of the time. You don't have that luxury if you're separated, divorced, widowed or on your own.

So you've got a full day of the joys of motherhood or maybe they are at the other partners for the weekend and you do it however you want to. Exactly. the other partners for the weekend and you do it however you want to. It's one day in the calendar and it can be lovely, it can also be a bit overwhelming. I think sometimes it can, you know, make you feel lots of different things because we've all got a mum or have had a mum as well as being a mum so no, don't beat yourself up at all and I think as we've often said you never quite know what's behind those messages of oh I'm going to cock my head on one side and say I feel a bit sorry for you. It's too right. Yeah. Sometimes there's an undertone. These people are very unhappy and wretched. By the way, if anyone is prepared to offer a million

pounds to charity, I will make public the image of me in my one piece wearing the banya hat. Sweet cheeks. Well crowdfund that. I can get that going tonight. Oh god, it'll have to be a really good charity that I approve of. Jane of Fee at Timestop Radio, it's one of the most horrific images ever seen. Right. Yes, do be in touch with us if you'd like. This has been an email special. I'm sorry if you were waiting for a guest.

Time ran away with us. Speak to you tomorrow. We'll be buried under a tonne of tarots. Congratulations, you've staggered somehow to the end of another Off Air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale, and if you listen to this you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online, on DAB or on the free Times Radio app. Off Air is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.