Off Air... with Jane and Fi - We haven't even got to the resurrection yet!

Episode Date: April 7, 2025

Welcome to this unplanned email special. Jane and Fi cover pointless work experience, two-wipe poos, Jane's breast enlargement and Swiss Army knives. If you fancy sending us a postcard, the address is: Jane and FiTimes Radio, News UK1 London Bridge StreetLondonSE1 9GFPlease send your suggestions for the next book club pick! If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You and I have decided not to go down that road. Well, oh, oh, oh, what have you changed your mind? I'm going to have a breast enlargement. Are you? No. You might fall over. That's why I'm making you mad. Well, welcome.

We're just gently humming to ourselves here at Off Air Towers. So David Dimbleby is meant to be a guest on the programme because he's got a new history podcast out at the moment but we have been told that he's not available at the time that we requested a Dimbleby and we put that request in regularly. This will be an email special, but that's a bit difficult because I've got some emails that I'd hung on to, but they're at home, Jane, for the email special because I was expecting it to be tomorrow. It's difficult this, isn't it? I know.

I mean, there used to be a service in Britain, Dial a Dimbleby, where if you needed someone who could... No, it was BBC One. ...who could say the right things at a state occasion, you simply dialed a Dimbleby. No, very much so the right things at a state occasion? You simply dialled a dimwit. No, very much so. And that's effectively what we've done today. And it looks like there's a little bit of a spanner in the works.

Can you still say spanner in the works? I don't think you can. It depends where the spanners come from, love. I'll tell you what, did you tank the world economy and go and play golf this weekend? Yes, I did. Me too. Absolutely. I was down trying to perfect my

putting ahead of the Masters and while I was doing it I also thought it'd be quite funny to really play havoc with the global markets. Very much so. Anyway we hope that you like us were just kind of, let's be honest, if you're fortunate enough to have savings then you're fortunate. Let's nail that and we understand that. But I was just saying to me, if I see the word plummet in a headline one more time, I think I really will just have to go home. There are some very interesting things happening though, not least of which, and it's a tiny point, but I think it's very telling.

The very pro-Trump news networks in America that took the ticker off. Did they just remove it? Yep. Okay. Yeah. And you just think well what a yawning void of truth you've created there at the bottom of your screen darlings. So we hope that everyone's doing alright out there though because it's kind of you know it's, they're very different times, they're very shaky times.

I think if you're approaching retirement and you haven't got huge amounts of earning potential ahead of you, then you know, our thoughts and prayers are very much with you. But I think the truth is everyone's, even those people who have no idea that they're impacted will in some way be impacted. And so we are all in this shit show together. Yeah, no I completely agree but I just think if you've spent your entire working life being very careful about your savings because you're encouraging, I mean you think you're doing the right thing.

Yeah and you're working on a principle that's been in existence you know definitely since the Second World War, then it must be incredibly difficult to watch somebody be quite so cavalier with trying out a new scheme. That's given the benefit of the doubt. When I try something out, I just add a bit more tarragon to a recipe. Yes, exactly. I just try a larger size than often that suits me. Yes, Drew. I don't know why I said tarragon there, by the way, because I don't use tarragon very Exactly, I just try a larger size. And often that suits me.

Yes, Dream... I don't know why I said tarragon there by the way, because I don't use tarragon very often at all. Do you not? No, because it completely overwhelms things. Is that the licorice-y one? Yes, it's the very licorice-y one. I'm sorry I chose that, I probably should have said cumin. It's much more...

Oh, no, I find cumin is equally... ...wiggle. Oh really? Yeah. Claggy? Yeah, very claggy. Do you have a favourite herb? Right to another podcast, we're not interested. Okay. Dreaming is after all a form of planning. Well can I just say I hope it isn't based on some of the

dreams I have these days. That's on a postcard. It is. It is the motif of a postcard from Beverley, East Yorkshire, but from Caroline if you see what I mean. Yes. Beautiful Beverley. With Yorkshire, but from Caroline, if you see what I mean. Yes. Beautiful Beverley. It is lovely there. With its magnificent cathedral. Helen has sent us one in as well. It's a very nice, it's a drawing of Bristol City docks.

We've got Greven Broitsch in where? I'm going to say that's the Netherlands. I'm going to say Germany. Well, let's put young Eve onto it. You're about to sneeze. It's passed. It's passed. Okay right I'm just passing this over to her. She gets allergies. She should really be at home with her allergies. Well do you know what, if you are in London at the moment it is absolutely hay fever-tastic. It's off the scale I gather. At the moment it really is. So I think I have great sympathy with Eve because... Do you have hay fever-tastic. It's off the scale I gather. It really is. So I think I have great sympathy

with Eve. Do you have hay fever? Well I get it, just this plane trees one. The plane trees when they come out. Julia has sent us a really lovely old-fashioned postcard and it's so old-fashioned it's all kind of faded and slightly yellow and it's very lovely and that is of a beach scene. So thank you for all of these. It's Germany. It's in Germany. Well, you win that one, Vy. This postcard is of Sea Place Bathing Beach, West Worthing. Absolutely beautiful. Thank you very much for that, Julia.

So a bathing beach in Worthing. I don't think I've ever... Is that just down the coast from Brighton? Yeah. Yeah, never been there but it looks very lovely. And it was designated as a bathing beach, so that means what? Safe for bathing? I would imagine, but the nuances of presumably 1950s bathing experiences were not my dissertation. If however you ever want to ask me a question about the position of women in 5th century Athenian democracy, I

am your girl. Okay, the full title of the dissertation was? The position of women in 5th century Athenian democracy. Well you have mentioned that already. Okay. By the way, how? Then you ask me to repeat it. Don't blame me. Were things good for them? No. No. Well, it's a funny thing, I'll keep this very short, because it. Don't blame me. Were things good for them? No.

Well, it's a funny thing. I'll keep this very short because it's not a history lesson. Yeah, exactly. So Athens was the birthplace of democracy and is heralded for that. And of course, there are aspects of democracy that we completely and utterly love. But it wasn't a true democracy because you couldn't vote if you were a slave, you couldn't vote if you were an immigrant, you couldn't vote if you were an immigrant, you couldn't vote if you were a woman. So it was a very peculiar, very particular form of democracy which suited some fellows. Yes. But actually the power, so my essay, and it wasn't a dissertation, it wasn't a master's,

it was just a thingamajiggy. A longer essay. Extended, I'm going to say. The thing that you have to hand in in your final year. It was just about the different categories of women and the power that they did have within that society of men, because women who were married to important men or just anybody who had a vote, if they had children they were very powerful because obviously provided heirs, you know a lot of people would say that in some societies

that hasn't changed at all, you're also powerful if you're a concubine and you had that kind of sexual hold. So concubine, that was an official position? Yes, it was more respected than it probably is now. And it means mistress? Yes, but they kind of held court quite a lot, you know, it was definitely a seen position in society, it wasn't hidden away. That's interesting. And obviously if you were a slave woman yourself or an immigrant woman you had absolutely no power whatsoever right down at the bottom, so it was a work about that. What was yours on?

You're not going to like this. It was, and it certainly was, you're right it wasn't a dissertation, it was a longish essay, although I've got a feeling I only narrowly got to the word count I was supposed to get to. I might even have been slightly under. It was about depictions of the city of Liverpool in popular culture, got to be honest. of the city of Liverpool in popular culture. Got to be honest. I think it was rather pompously called Liverpool media city from what I remember. Because it has always, it has punched above its weight. Did it start with I? We, I think, in this case. It has always slightly, there's been, I don't know, has there been too much coverage? It's bizarre. Anyway, can I just say... No darling, never.

Contradicting everything I've said about This City Is Ours earlier in the podcast. A couple of weeks ago I said I didn't think it was... It's brilliant. I'm absolutely dreading the end of it. I've got one more episode to watch and I really wish I hadn't been negative about it. The lead actor, a guy called, is it James Nelson Joyce, is you cannot take your eyes off him. So I started watching it too. Right. It is making me laugh though.

Oh, there's a lot of, I think some of it is indefinitely intended to be funny. I mean, have you come across the character of Bonehead? Yes. They say Harry Enfield Scouser. If that head isn't a perm, it's an astonishing head of her. I'm very envious. Hot head of her. I sounded like Scylla there. He's basically, for people who don't have access to this program, he's like a slightly kind of big bumbling lad with Deirdre Barlow's hair on top. And they, you know, they couldn't shoot themselves

out of a range. Oh no, they're hopeless. I mean that's what's so funny about it. But also I'm afraid some of it is, you know, the drugs trade, it's a grotty old world and you don't envy their lifestyle. They have these, there's a lot of wonderful outdoor furniture in one of the houses in the mansion of the character. Ronnie. Ronnie Fielan's widow. Oh, I in the mansion of the character.

Ronnie. Ronnie Phelan's widow. Oh, I've given some of it away. Ronnie Phelan's wife in Notty Ash, which is a place that I think a lot of people think that Ken Dodd invented it, but it's real. I have to say I've never been there and I didn't know it was as salubrious as it appears in that show. Ken Dodd figures quite large in my sort of family's story because my dad absolutely loved Ken Dodd. I think my mum was a little less enthusiastic and his idea of a dream date would

be to take my mum to one of Ken Dodd's famously overrunning shows and he'd say I've got a surprise for you. And she'd say it's not Kentop, it's five hours later. And sure enough it was. They'd lumber off to Southport Floral Hall to see Kentop. He would literally, he would just go two hours over. It's just ridiculous. But do you know what, the point about the depiction of the drugs trade, I think, I mean, unless towards the end, so far I've not actually seen anybody use their produce. It is all about the Range Rovers, the big houses, the villa in Spain, the guns, the power, the beautiful women. I haven't seen a single punter actually buying some dubious Colombian shit and then having a miserable life because of it. Really good point and I'm on one more episode to go and you're absolutely right that is the chasm.

Okay, so you never see. Well we haven't seen it yet and you're right that those people, those poor mugs, are at the heart of all this and without them none of these people could make a penny. Yeah, but also don't you think that Range Rover must object at some point to the amount of, because any criminal has been successful in their criminality these days on our television screens is driving a Range Rover. Do they care? Or is it in its own way very good publicity? I don't know.

That's a very good question. Actually that's a reminder of something I wanted to ask for people to email in about, which is today in the news in the UK, and it's a very good question. Actually that's a reminder of something I wanted to ask for people to email in about which is today in the news in the UK and it's a widely read story at the times.com is this notion that in order to bring down levels of poor physical and mental health, a health visitor, a kind of community worker is going to be given 120 homes and they're going to knock on the door and just see how people are. I mean there are questions to be asked about this aren't there but I would love to hear from people whose job entails going into other people's houses. It doesn't matter whether you're a plumber, an electrician or you're a health visitor person. What is it you see when you go into other people's houses? Can it be really awkward? Is it great if you're a nosy person or at times can it be very intimidating? Oh I'm sure it's a... I think it can be really intimidating. I mean depending on circumstances. So my only experience of this would be the health visitor coming around after the babies were born and you know when you get that, well in my case quite brief visit, but you

did get one didn't you? They used to come. Yes, yeah. Mine spent an awful lot of time telling me about her raised blood pressure and how difficult her work-life balance was. Right, well yes, you obviously had a sympathetic face. I just remember thinking, do you remember how tired you are in those first couple of weeks? You can't believe that actually you're not going to have a heart attack because you're so tired. And she came during one of those periods of tiredness and I just remember thinking, just let it waft over you love, just let it waft, you'll be gone soon. So it wasn't the best. My aunt was a health visitor and she faced some unbelievably difficult situations.

Yeah, well that's why I mentioned it. I think particularly, I do think you get quite slight women in these roles going into properties that might actually genuinely house all sorts of situations that they might find hard to handle. And just the sensitivity of it all. Anyway, it's something I'm in my own rather far too inquisitive way, I'm interested in people's experiences. So Jane and Fee at Time Stop Radio. If you are a health visitor, we'd love to hear from you. Would you like to hear more about Bays and Stoke? Yes, I think so. I think we're tapping into what's turned out to be an incredibly rich vein.

This comes from a fellow Fee who's 43 years old and gets called Fee Fee a lot. Never did I think that this story would be relevant to your delightful ramblings, but yeah, here we are. I'm not a Basingstoke resident, but back in the 90s my dad would travel there from Birmingham and stay over a couple of days a week with his job for Barclays mercantile finance wolf. As a 15 year old girl I was thrilled, please read with suitable sarcasm, to accompany him on one such visit for work experience. Imagine my excitement. However, things took a turn for the better when as part of my role I was asked to help judge a Berkeley sponsored Balloons over Basingstoke coloring competition. Well...

With no other than the aforementioned Basingstoke resident Falcon the Gladiator. Children are dead. She's back. Carefully colored in pictures of hot air balloons over the city of Basingstoke, my new Gladiator friend and I were to decide the winner. I don't remember much about the judging, who won or what the prize was, but Falcon's wonderfully powerful haircut, her shiny gladiator shell suit and her exceptionally strong handshake will remain in my memory forever. I came away from my time in Basingstoke giddy to share my experience at school, yet none the wiser

as to what my dad did for a job, save to say I didn't want to join him in the world of finance. As for Basingstoke, unfortunately in our family it will always be the place that dad grumbled and griped about having to travel to on a weekly basis and so was never even given a chance to prove itself as the wonderfully vibrant place that I'm sure it is. Thank you for that. Do you know what, I would so like to hear some more stories about really pointless work experience. I think having to trundle in with one of your parents. Dreadful, but also I just think, you know, so there are lots of, you know, we know all the stories about going on a construction site and being asked to go and, you know, find a glass hammer and all

that kind of stuff. So not those stories but I'm pretty sure out there there must be people who've just had to spend two weeks, eight hours a day, just pretending they're doing something and learning something but they're not doing anything at all. Now you can't even use a photocopier unless you're keyed into a Wi-Fi network and you've had permission granted from HR. What do you do? Genuinely don't know. Because every, is it every 16 year old has to do work experience? They do. Yeah. And yes, there must be, people must be bored out of their tiny minds. I mean, I should say that I had jobs between university and beginning what you might call my career, when in fact I remember one job in a leading institution, okay, the NHS, where I read two Japanese novels. It was largely a photocopying based job and

sometimes there wasn't any photocopying. Did you read them in Japanese, Jane? Yes I did. And I'm a relatively accomplished liar. Now, the Sunday Times ran this feature they do every year about the best place in Britain to live. The winner this year was Saffron Walden. And here's further proof of what a wonderful place Saffron Walden is from Christine, who's sending us a postcard, which I'm very excited to hear and we'll look out for that but she sent us a wonderful headline from the local paper the Walden Local it says here which I'm assuming is the full name

of the organ and here's the headline it's the one we'd all absolutely leap upon if we were to see it in our local paper Saffron Walden better served than many areas for removal of earwax. Now that is a headline. To be fair, it tells you the story. It doesn't exaggerate because it's not the best in Britain for earwax removal accessibility, but it's better than a lot of other places. The buildup of wax in the ear is natural but it can be uncomfortable and any temporary reduction in hearing is worrying. Which is true by the way. The Saffron Walden area seems better served in earwax removal than many others. The

Gold Street, Newport and Linton-Granter medical practices all undertake the removal of earwax. The crocus will only handle simpler cases. Fair enough. And Thackstead will help get you into a doctor or an audiologist. Many pharmacies are now offering additional services and ear wax removal is one of them, but the cost can be high. Specsavers in South From Walden quote £60 for both ears. Bocking your search. Okay, I mean there's all the information you could ever need.

So I think, won't it be a sad, sad, sad day, Jane, when local news dies? Because it is dying at is dying at the moment. Because actually you know we're taking the mickey out of it now but Walden Local newspaper must provide so people would read that article they would be informed by it they'd know something they didn't know before it's not sponsored by somebody on Google it's brilliant. I'm informed by it I do like this the Newport pharmacy charges 4949 for the treatment of one ear and £59 for both. I mean they've got a bit of a jigsaw, £49 for one ear.

Anyway, that's brilliant. Christine, thank you so much for that and congratulations to the pharmacists of Saffron Walden who really have done ear wax removal proud. Yeah, do you know what I would feel that I was really living my life in a very full of jeopardy way if I ever went to get just one ear syringed. I think you are very much on the edge. Yes, I think so. Yeah. But I wouldn't want to get it wrong.

I wouldn't want to come away thinking, shit, it should have been the other one. 49 quid and I've had the wrong ear done. Oh dear. Now, steady yourself against something firm everybody. We've got an email that is going to remain anonymous. You'll understand why just as soon as I start. How on earth do you react when your 24 year old son casually announces on the phone that he had a vasectomy yesterday?

I know he's an adult and I have to respect his decisions, bit late for anything else really, but feeling in deep shock and reeling. He's told me he's been trying to get it done for two years as doctors here in France were quite against it, understandably. For him the world is too crowded and in a bad place and not a place to bring children into. I understand all of that, but it seems such a radical decision. Any thoughts? And this comes a few weeks after my daughter of 22 announced she was converting to Islam, a completely different issue, clearly,

but one I found equally earth-shattering, given the stories we frequently hear in France of young girls being radicalised. It's not the case for my daughter. Finding faith seems to suit her, again I respect her decision but I'm finding it hard to see her covering her hair and clothes. I hope I don't come across as anti-muslim. I have nothing against the faith. I just find the clothing issue for women complicated. We're still very close and I try and be curious about the

religion and keep an open mind but it's hard and my anxious side often kicks in. Any thoughts from you both or listeners feeling discombobulated? Gosh. Well, I mean, those are two huge topics. Shall we start with the vasectomy? I'm really surprised that a 24-year-old can have one. But our correspondent is correct. He's an adult. I mean, it's his firm belief at the moment. Also, my understanding is he can reverse a vasectomy. I don't think it's always a given that you'll be able to, but it is available as a treatment.

It is, yeah. So maybe that isn't one to obsess about. But I worry for the 24-year-old that he's going to change his mind and that he might really regret having this done. I don't know. But isn't it so sad Jane as well that you're 24 and you're so certain that the world is such a grey place and so doom laden that that's the thing that you feel you should do. I just find that really heartbreaking actually because it speaks of somebody who doesn't think in their lifetime it'll get any better. And as a parent that must be incredibly difficult to hear. Oh god, I mean it really is. She's had to go through a lot this woman, let's face it,

must have been a really, she says discombobulating with knobs on I would say this last couple of weeks. Unfortunate turn of phrase but yes. Sorry Fee. By the way, seriously, no pun intended there. Just keep talking quickly, nobody will notice, nobody spotted that. Thank you darling, you're protective of me again. No it's alright and I know it's different, it's a different procedure to actually, you

know, having a peer sector. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Yes, thank you. I hope your son's all right. And yes, like Fii, I share her sadness at his despair. I think you feel things very keenly at that age. And possibly he is, I mean, let's face it, as we look around the world at the moment, does seem a trifle gloomy. But look, we've been here in gloomy times before and I'm so old, I know that often things do get better. You'd be surprised. So let's hope he's okay and if he's happy with his decision at the moment, then I guess that's okay. The conversion to Islam is, well,

it would be tricky for me personally because as a non-religious person I find, look I respect religion and we're not a religious family, my children don't show much interest in religion. If they did, how would I cope with it? That's a really interesting question. I don't know. I really, really don't know. I mean, by the way, that would go for any religion, not... I can understand from our correspondence perspective that growing up in France to have a daughter who's suddenly dressing in a way that seems counter to to our approach to the way we live and choose to live but again, if your daughter feels this very keenly then let her be I guess.

Isn't it just a sadness and I'm not casting any aspersions on our correspondent at all because I think actually you know I would feel the same way and it is a sadness that we have come to have to view faith as a dangerous thing to enter into because of what absolute twonks have done in the name of faith. Yeah, all religions. So our correspondent mentions the dangers of young women in particular being radicalised and we know what happens when you're radicalised and we know across the whole of Europe that the call to ISIS for women has been absolutely dreadful. It's to marry an ISIS fighter, to go and live in the promised land

and all hell then is wreaked on your life and I know that that's going to the very, very darkest of places. But it just is so sad that instead of being able for all of us to be able to say, you know, I know someone who's embraced faith and it's making them happy and just go, this is great. We know it's tinged with danger or worry or what was wrong with your life before and all of those things. So I really feel for you, that is so much to happen as a parent.

Actually, at a time when I suppose you're hoping that your young adult children, when they find their place in the world, are happy with it and don't need to be called into something or change the possibilities of their own fertility and future. There's just a lot Jane, there is a whole lot. It is and I have to say that I think this probably, it crops up in lots of conversations I have with friends and family that parenting young adults is

often a lot harder, so much, so many more times harder than, and I know it might not feel like it while you're in it than looking after toddlers. But let's not say that because we know some people listening who've got much younger children and actually... Well it's because they present you with challenges like those two that you just come out of absolutely nowhere and you just think, luminec, what are we going to do about this? But I hope that both of your children, lovely, lovely person, are happy with the decisions that they've made.

And the important thing, isn't it, is to keep talking and keep them in your life and keep up all lines of communication. And so your anxiety will dissipate as you see that they've chosen something that just makes their world better for them. But we open it up to the hive. People listening always have thoughtful things to say. The correspondent is in France. Yes. So I'm really fascinated to hear whether a 24-year-old bloke could get a vasectomy in

the UK. I don't think, I don't think, I've read, I don't think I've ever interviewed a woman who's chosen to have, to be sterilised at a very young age, but some women do choose that and I respect that decision so I can't be hypocritical and question that one, he just seems very young. Anyway. Just because this is a kind of link and it would be a good link to make, I finished over the weekend this book fundamentally by Nusaybi Younis which is a funny book about a UN worker who travels to Iraq to try and de-radicalize ISIS brides and you'll think how could that be funny and if is funny, isn't it taking the mickey in a really unpleasant way and all of that?

It's not, it's so clever, it's so fantastic. So much of it is based on Nusayba's actual life. So she's done the work, she's been that person. So she's allowed to mock and she really mocks the UN for its many different facets, its bureaucracy, its acronyms, all of that. I really, really loved reading it. I didn't want it to end and I had to kind of slow down at the end because I could see, you know, that we were coming to the ending and Barbara has written in to say

she's read it too and thoroughly enjoyed it and a couple of people have recommended it for the book club. Do you know what? It probably won't make it into the book club just because our USP has been to go back and find something that we might have missed along the way and hopefully, fundamentally, because it's on the Women's Prize for Fiction list, we'll get enough of a liftoff but I'm absolutely with you Barbara, I think it's a fantastic book and I wouldn't hesitate in recommending it to people. Thank you and she's coming on the programme isn't she? She is, I think she's been booked by Long Suffering Eve, as you're now known, on Wednesday

the 23rd of the April. When Jane is off, yes, just to warn you, we've got a little bit of a, we're taking some time out. So we've got holidays coming up. So I'm on holiday next week and you're on holiday the week after. That's right. And the Mulk will be here both times. Minxie Mulkerrins will be here. This is from, oh we'll, yes we'll keep it anonymous, about five years ago. Last dinner party ever attended thank goodness. We all discovered that we slept apart from our beloveds, only for the lone divorcee to shriek that she was horrified and could never have done that herself. The irony was not lost on any of us. We sat there stunned into silence. Spare rooms save us from becoming

murderers says this correspondent. Right, I mean I did this, I like the extreme example but clearly it's helped and I love the idea of the lone divorcee casting aspersions on the notion of separate rooms. The reason I wanted to mention this, because it made me laugh over the weekend, there's been quite a lot of, I'm going to say slightly syrupy articles about the forthcoming 20th wedding anniversary of our King Charles and Queen Camilla and how wonderful it is and how well they still get on. But all of the articles have said they do both maintain separate homes and enjoy spending time apart and you think, oh well if that's the answer, why don't more people do it? Simply establish a separate household. But within the, within royal circles, right at the top of royal circles, they've always had separate bedrooms, haven't they?

Separate homes! Yep, and separate staff and separate everything. Well it's the solution. Apparently you're super happy married if you do that. Yeah, but three out of four of them weren't, were they? The current crop. Oh yes, you're right. Yeah, I think just sleep wherever you want to sleep. That is what we're

learning and just don't judge anybody if they've found something to make it work. I'm just going to say, just a piece of advice from me, if you have the finances, simply have separate homes and enjoy. Yeah, yeah. I totally agree. Right, dear Jane and Fee, cue collective eye rolls. Shall we line them all up? Three of us in the room, six eyes waiting to go. Here we are. In wanting to run my first and last marathon before turning 60 next year, no eye roll necessary. Very impressed.

People were expecting far, far worse. This is from a man. I visited my local GP in January to ask whether I might be prescribed manjaro to shave off the 10 or so kilos I was aiming for. He did so with advice to safely monitor how much I was losing, that would be one kilogram a week, and to work on my strength and cardio training to ensure no loss of muscle mass. A lot of facts and figures. But the long and the short of it is that our correspondent is now, has lost weight on the Manjaro. I'm happier with family pictures. I'm less self-conscious on the beach and pool. He lives in Perth. I can stand up without oofing, tie my shoelaces without gasping

and I can now try on clothes without having to self-consciously sift through the pile to items marked XL. I've changed my eating habits not just by reducing portion sizes but as part of my regimen. Kimchi kombucha and kefir eliminated the almost persistent bloating I used to experience. And then there's some... Yeah, no read that because I think that's interesting. And it is prefaced with in brackets, sorry if this is too much information. I'm now on two white poos instead of the reams

of toilet roll I went through previously. Yeah, you sounded like you said two white poos. Two, two wipe poos. Two wipe poos. A two wipe poo as opposed to a one wipe poo. Please don't call this podcast that, Evelyn. Thank you very much. Like you, I've been a bit judgy about people using weight loss drugs

and I guess I'm writing to encourage you not to be, as whilst we may think people don't need it, they will have their reasons. I know I'm grateful I can afford Manjaro and if it means I can avoid popping pills to counter the effects of high cholesterol, blood pressure, their side effects, perhaps we all need to consider that I'm doing myself, the health system and other taxpayers a favour. Adam, thank you very much indeed for detailing your weight loss journey.

And this was because you wondered out loud whether or not you'd ever actually end up using a weight loss drug. I don't think we were judging people actually. I think we try very hard not to judge anybody because we make very clear that we don't know anything about anything. But yes, it's some, I wouldn't, I mean, I don't know, doing a first, did he say a first marathon at 60? Yes, first and last. Big ask, isn't it? Isn't it just? I mean, good luck with it, Adam, seriously, that's an amazing thing to do.

But I think it's very telling, Emile, because I think we are going to go down exactly that route where these weight loss drugs are being used by people and Adam freely admits, you know, he's in a position where he can afford to do this. But I think that they will become an on demand place for people for all kinds of reasons, not just the initial reason that they were researched and brought to market and it would just become a kind of norm because there was so much wide-eyed amazement at them when they first arrived on the scene which was relatively recently. Oh yeah. But your point was about whether or not it was considered cheating because you had seen

that ad. There's an ad on the Tube at the moment. On the Tube saying don't consider it cheating. Which put the thought into my head. I think lots of people already are. my head that I might consider it as cheating. Yes. I hadn't really thought about it that way. But yeah, I do think that's probably, you're right, there's going to be a kind of judgment around using the drugs and we're going to wonder whether people are naturally slim or whether they are simply drug-induced slim. Yeah, but then I think the judgment will go. Well, it probably will in the end. People used to be ever so funny about anyone who'd had tweakments, but now it just seems to be par for the course. You and I have decided not to go down that road. Well. Oh, oh, what have you changed your mind? I'm going to have a breast enlargement. Are you? No. You might fall over. That's what I mean.

Can I just say, no need. I just couldn't think of anything I'd want less. When I joined the journalism profession I didn't ever imagine that I'd be in a position where we were discussing a colleague's breasts. On a Monday. Yes you did. That's why you went into broadcasting. That's why you did it. Oh dear, I'd have my knees done if I could, I really would. Knees? In what way? What's wrong with your knees? Well inside and out. I'd like some new cartilages because they really really hurt anyway. And

I think that's a bit hereditary but I'd like the outside of my knees done. They're extraordinarily unattractive and it has caused me considerable pain during my lifetime. It has really affected me very, very deeply and I think I need to go to HR immediately, Jane, and have myself signed off. And you could be off with your mental elf. My mental knee, yes. Mental knee. Let's not take the mickey out of that.

No, oh we are not. We are not. I think this could be the final word on the kerfuffle when you have two, not competing grandmothers in a family, but a situation where it might appear that one granny is getting a fairer crack of the whip than the other and it tends to be the granny who is the mother of the mother, if you're sort of me, but though not always by any stretch. Anyway, this is from a man who says, as a dad of two boys, six and eight, I'm right in that tranche of organised family fun and feel that this is nothing more than the gormless son, I'm going to refer to him as GS, being responsible. How can he not see that his own mother is being marginalised, despite being blooming useful? The blame here needs to be laid at his door.

I guess Grand Number Two doesn't want to castigate her son, and the gatekeeper to the grandkids by outright blaming him. Perhaps the way to draw this to the attention of the gormless son, GS, is to perhaps withdraw some of the more onerous of the mid-week expectations, particularly those that will affect the wife or other half of GS. That relationship is probably built on functionality rather than emotion, and the GS simply wants to maintain the status quo by going along with it. Part of the balancing act of having a family is attempting to include everyone. What he should be doing is putting his foot down every once in a while and saying,

we always see your mother, actually we're going to do something different this time. The fact that he hasn't done that shrieks of either his a extended gormlessness or b his other half's power dynamic of running the family. Okay, that is from a man. So there you go. He sees it as being the responsibility of the son to actually reach out to his own mom. And I guess I understand why you might think that.

Yes, I like that intervention and personal experience from our male correspondent, because you just gotta sometimes bite the bullet, haven't you? And I think it's easy to fall into rather stereotypical roles in childrearing and dealing with family, and there's no need for the wife to always have to do the emotional battle. There just isn't.

No. So don't be gormless. Is it too early to start talking about Christmas? Yes, it is. OK. It is. Yes. It is actually. Oh my good God, we haven't even got to the resurrection. Who's going where? Who's by? Yeah. Okay. We haven't even got to the resurrection. We haven't. I bought some hot cross buns early. I got some. About two weeks ago. They're still fine. What's that about? I mean, I understand the, you know, the Christian story. Yes, we don't want those emails.

Make any gags about that. What preservatives are in there? Yes. That's funny because I got some. Where was I? I got them. And they're going off date. It's the 12th of April. It was quite a long stretch. Yeah. I know this is a very, very long stretch. I can't just say, V, I've popped mine into the freezer. Have you? Well, that's very sensible because I've just left mine in a very, warm bread bin so I don't know what's going to happen if that bread bin could talk.

Val is somebody I interviewed a few times back in The Hour of Woman and she is a great woman and she used to live in a kind of shed. I don't know if you are still living in a shed Val but it's I know it's very it's in your son's garden so it's you know it's not like he it makes it sound like he goes out and occasionally throws a dry Weed to pick through the window of the shed. It's a bit more sophisticated But she's um, she's emailing at 2 30 in the morning What a woman just catching up shocked to hear that the lady magazine has possibly made her last cut see can it be true? It's very sad. It is sad. Yeah Mag and I go back a few decades. I was a young impressionable

army officer's wife in Germany in the 60s and it was our go-to publication. I had my first and last brief article published on their viewpoint page. I got paid £11. It was absolutely thrilling. Also found our first and last au pair through their ads. Life moved on and finally around 2010 I got involved with many other like-minded ladies and thanks to Rachel Johnson, yes that Rachel Johnson, we became ambassadors for the lady. She valiantly tried to breathe new life into the title, quitting three years later having caused some pearl clutching moments. We all met up in a smart London club and had tea, cake and

chat with Rachel. I'd love to know if any of your other lady-like older listeners were there. I even organised a party to give away copies of the magazine at the Royal Horticultural Society Tatton Park Flower Show. Wow, Val. You have got some classy anecdotes you always have had. She's in Knutsford, which is an extremely salubrious part of Cheshire. I'm still holding out that somebody with very deep pockets might buy The Lady and just keep it going. It just seems such a wonderfully idiosyncratic part of our nation's life. It would be sad if it went.

Yeah, I mean, I feel the same about Pitch Care. Pitch Care? Oh, the AstroTurf magazine. The organ image. I don't know if that is still going. Final one from me. This is from Lisa. As a newly separated single mum, I found your no-nonsense, pull-your-pants-up banter a real tonic through the pandemic and out the other side and was somewhat bereft when I lost you. So imagine how thrilled I was to find you here. Imagine how thrilled we are to find ourselves here too, Lisa. During my listening hiatus we had a similar situation to Fee where

my son became locked inside his bedroom and the handle with the bar was nowhere to be found. In a relatively new relationship with a firefighter, more information needed Lisa, I caught him up for advice and was sent the attached video in which one of his colleagues demonstrates how to open a door with a cut up plastic milk bottle. Jane watches those kind of videos on YouTube. I watched you, I watched the one yesterday. It's about a Swiss army knife.

Of course it was. I'll explain why in a minute. Lisa goes on to say, it works. No need for heavy duty pliers. Who knew after some jiggling, the boy, who was 14 at the time, was free and the door handle predictably located by mum under his bed about 20 seconds later. Photo also attached.

We've now all shacked up together and have not been witnessed to any further heroics or lifesaving antics. I assume this was a one-off. Lisa, lovely to have you on board and thank you for sending the photo. Really delighted that the firefighter relationship has worked out. Do you know what? It must just be so comforting. There were times earlier in life when things were a bit dicky dodgy and sometimes I think I just make lighter things too much. They were dicky dodgy Jane and I remember I had to go to a very very routine appointment in a hospital just to have something checked out and I remember just thinking

how lovely it would be to have a kind doctor as a partner just for reassurance. We all had that fantasy. On every single level you know they just yes exactly and I feel exactly the same way obviously about the firefighters and I'm really glad that things have worked out for Lisa there. Send us videos anytime you like. What was your video about? Yesterday, I don't know if you read the article, in the Sunday Times, just I do get the Sunday Times have I mentioned it and it was about the threat to our undersea cables and how every household should have this emergency pack, you know what a prepping enthusiast I am. But my question is this, okay, so it said that every household needs to have and in the rest of Europe apparently they've sent these leaflets out already for some reason the

British government feeling that perhaps we've just got too much on our plates at the moment haven't bothered us with this but the Sunday Times was reporting it. Every household should have bottled water, okay I get that, a battery-powered radio, get that, and have I already said perishable food? No. Okay cans of food. Yes, non-perishable presumably. Yeah cans. Yes. Yeah I suppose cans, those sachets of rice although if they're Cans of food. Yes. Non-perishable, presumably. Yeah, cans. Yes, yeah. Yeah, I suppose cans, those sachets of rice, although if they're unheated, I don't know what pleasure they could bring you.

And identity documents, right? And a Swiss Army knife. Okay. Now, I've never owned a Swiss Army knife, have you? Yes, I have. I have. Yeah. a Swiss army knife, have you? Yes I have. So my dad gave my sister and I Swiss army pen knives as a present once when we were on holiday in Scotland. Okay and have you still got it?

We were very young at the time, my mum was livid. She was livid? Because she thought you were going to start using them. Well because it gives you 12 different ways to hurt yourself accidentally. going to start using them. It gives you 12 different ways to hurt yourself accidentally. Exactly. But also, your dad was, you know, maybe he had a window into the world, into the future. Have you still got it? The dad? No, you haven't got it.

Have you got the Swiss Army? Yes, I have. Well, aren't you the lucky one in that respect? It's lost its little tweezers. You know, at the top there's a little toothpick on one side and tiny tweezers on the other. This is what I was looking up. I didn't know. I thought it was just a knife. I didn't know it had all the other gadgets attached to it. I had genuinely no idea. So I found a very approachable gentleman on YouTube showing his Swiss Army knife. Oh my gosh, okay. You know, it was just very broad

shouldered. He used it for all sorts of things. But why, I'm just, I'm still puzzled. I don't quite get why we need a Swiss Army knife and our identity documents if we're going to be stuck in the house. Well, I mean, isn't it quite logical? I don't understand the identity documents because who's going to come around and say, you know, are you sure you're Jane Garvey? Show me your passport. In your own basement in times of trouble. But the Swiss Army Knife is just because it does genuinely do everything, as I'm sure your broad-shouldered gentleman explained. Now I know and I was thinking to myself, do I order one? But they, a variety of different prices but the actual real deal it's about 60 quid. Yes, yeah well

that's Switzerland for you. It's a very expensive place. Why have they cornered the market in got St. Bernard's, they've got knives. Banking. When was the last time the Swiss Army fought a war? Well maybe that's why they haven't had to. She's on fire, ladies and gents. Right. They've got every single tool available. They'll fend off any foes. With tweezers. Whereas I'll just be stuck in my cellar watching that video.

Okay, well, look, let's crowdfund Jane Garvey with a Swiss Army penknife. Don't send knives through the post. We won't be able to receive them. Send us postcards, though, if you want to send us postcards. It's Jane and Fee Times Radio News UK One London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF. Congratulations, you've staggered somehow to the end of another Off Air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, 2 till 4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale and if you listen to this you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the

radio online on DAB or on the free Times Radio app. Off Air is produced by Eve Salisbury and the executive producer is Rosie Cutler.