Off Air... with Jane and Fi - Welcome to the middle-aged women's world!

Episode Date: February 3, 2025

This episode goes everywhere—from low-grade spuddage and go-to bras to holiday riff-raff, frivolous TV, and rainbow lasagnes. Enjoy! Plus, the voice of Come Dine with Me, Dave Lamb, joins us to celebrate 20 years of the show. There won’t be a podcast episode tomorrow as Jane and Fi are off for their Barbican show. The next book club pick has been announced! 'Eight Months on Ghazzah Street' is by Hilary Mantel. If you want to contact the show to ask a question and get involved in the conversation then please email us: [e-mail] us on Instagram! @janeandfiPodcast Producer: Eve SalusburyExecutive Producer: Rosie Cutler Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Exactly. Well, that was it. I thought things were going really well. She was on the ironing board in a really good position. That's where she likes to be combed. That's not a sentence that any cat wants to hear. Are you doing your own spaying? Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Here's a show that we recommend. Did you know that over 9 million Canadians provide unpaid care to family or friends, often without even realizing they're caregivers? That's one in four of us, balancing daily life with the challenges of supporting loved ones.

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ACAST.com This episode of Off Air is sponsored by Wild Frontiers Travel. Sophie, tell me, where's on your travel bucket list? Well, I would really like to go to much emptier places because I live in the heart of a beating city. So I think Mongolia. I really like to go to much emptier places because I live in the heart of a beating city, so I think Mongolia. Well with Wild Frontiers Travel, you'll see more with those who know the way. Want to go off the beaten track and away from all the tourist crowds?

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Hello both. Derek would like a word. He's heard what you had to say about alpacas and their looks and he's offended. Really offended. This comes in from Stephanie. I first met Derek after. I feel that we need Simon Bates' music coming in there, don't we? Let's all just... Do do do do do. Yes. Now what time was that on? About 11 o'clock. Do do do do.

Yeah. I first met Derek after booking an alpaca walking experience. Can I just do that sentence again, sorry, because I slightly ruined the flow. Do the music and then do the sentence. Do do do do, do do do. I first met Derek after booking an alpaca walking experience at Beacon Alpacas for my husband. I have to say, I think I enjoyed it far more than he did. Result. Anyway, Derek now lives on my camera roll and I only have to look at his smiling face to cheer myself up.

I hope he does the same for you. There is another part of this story though. Watching the Yorkshire vet on television one evening, I noticed they were filming at Beacon Alpacas. To my utter horror, Has Derek changed? Sorry, I never did this. And to my utter horror, Derek was... He's the ultimate professional. Well, that's because he wore a blazer and a tie. And if one of us wore a blazer and a tie,

maybe standards would improve around here. We would get through the whole podcast without giggling. And to my utter horror, Derek was castrated before my eyes. What? Yes. Was she just... Oh, I see. She happened to turn on that episode. Yeah, of the Yorkshire Vet.

They were filming at Beacon Alpacas and to Stephanie's utter horror, Derek was castrated before her eyes. Traumatic. I can highly recommend The Walking Experience though, a really feel-good day. Lesser the castration. Yours, Stephanie. Well Stephanie, you're absolutely right. Look at Derek! Oh, he's lovely. I wonder, I mean, the picture, the image is not quite clear enough. I wonder whether we could put that on the Insta. I think we can, shall we? It wouldn't be the first time that there's been a blurry image on our Instagram roll.

Eve's nodding. OK, well, Derek, on you go. I'm very, very innocent and ignorant and I'm not entirely sure what castrating an alpaca would entail. What would you, what would the procedure be? What's removed? I don't know. I don't know either. I'm thinking...

Is it just tying the tubes or is something actually taken away? Well if you castrate a cat you do take quite a lot of their gonads away don't you? I've used a technical term there to avoid saying bollocks. Yes. Otherwise we cannot broadcast this in Dubai. We don't want to lose out. And I'm sure the residents of Dubai don't want to lose out either. I don't know because I've never had a male cat, I've never had a tomcat so I don't know. And is that out of choice? I think it's just the way it's... I wouldn't say no. Although Dora is... she really went for me the other night when I was brushing her. Does annoy me that.

I had to put a plaster on my hand. Is there a good way to brush a cat? Because it needs doing every now and again, doesn't it? It really does. I don't know. Your Dora's just weird, isn't she? Because she will have done the... Oh, that's lovely.

That's... Well, that was it. I thought things were going really well. She was on the ironing board in a really good position, that's where she likes to be combed. Okay, that's not a sentence that any cat wants to hear. Are you doing your own spaying? She uses the ironing board as her garden viewing platform. That's nice. Yeah, so she sits up there and watches the birds. In exciting Barbara news, we've become best friends.

Oh that's good. And how much more continent is she these days? So much more continent. Oh that's wonderful. So whoever it was, one of our lovely listeners suggested just, you know when you stroke a cat especially around the eyes, you probably pick up quite a lot of their scent because that's where their scent glands are and And so putting that against the pillow, so that Barbara would think that my bed was a place of nice safety rather than a cat litter tray. So I did that one afternoon thinking this won't help me at all

because I'm inept with this cat. And by Jiminy, something changed. And she now lies on my bed. She comes to see me every morning. We have a lovely cuddle. We're very good friends. Well, we need the, um, our tune music again, I think. Simon Bates still alive? I think he is, but Eve's about to check in on that. I don't think Bates, he'll be listening. I don't think he really had much time for the lady broadcaster.

Felicity is in Solway Firth and he is alive. Well done. What age would he be? 472. 78. 78. Which is appropriate isn't it because that's when he would you know those records. His size. Yeah he must feel very very in tune with that. Yeah but he was 78 when he was broadcasting 30 years ago, wasn't he? Some men, as you know, they simply don't age like we do. Felicity and Solway Firth, many times I've intended to contact you in response to an item. Well, here I am. Alpacas do like being handled by humans.

I often help my neighbour with her alpacas and this involves halter training some of the young ones so they can participate in visits. After initial reluctance a lot of them are more than happy to have a halter put on and to be led around the paddock. The best way to touch an alpaca is to gently stroke its neck. Patting its head or its back usually results in it flinching or pulling away. Neurodivergent people are often very good with alpacas, and sometimes the visits are from charities supporting them and their families.

Who knew? I mean, how fantastic is that? Thank you, Felicity, who goes on to say, briefly, a mention of guilt. The experience of a listener who feels guilty for enjoying herself while she doesn't work and her husband does is mine as well. My partner's happy to pay the bills while I have temporarily stopped work to support my elderly

father. However, any enjoyable activity that smacks of frivolity has me feeling that I really should be doing something worthwhile. I do all sorts in spite of this, e.g. I watch Escape to the Country, I go to a craft group, I practice singing, I meet friends, but I have to give myself a pep talk every time, telling myself that I'm looking after my mental health and it is okay to have fun. Well, it is okay to have fun and you have stopped work for the perfectly good reason that you feel you need to be around to support your dad. Which is work.

Which is work. Because if you weren't doing it, you would probably have to pay somebody else to do it so it would be their work. So maybe that can assuage some of the guilt. Don't feel don't feel guilty because it's a special thing. Jane if you've had a whole life of work whenever you decide to stop you shouldn't feel that you needed to carry on. You know it's a different time for everybody isn't it? Yeah. And please enjoy it. Yeah enjoy it and please listeners don't be hard on yourselves. Felicity rounds up with a quote we'll both recognize I suspect, Caecilius est in horto. Oh very much. And he often was. Yep. Because it meant he didn't have to do the housework if he was in the horto.

Yep. Is that the God? I think it is. Yeah, okay. Steve, thank you. Custom hats for bunches. But obviously Jane and I would both say please enjoy your retirement responsibly. Oh my goodness. I mean, I try and stick to my rules about the telly. Not before six.

So Escape to the Country, I think, is before six, isn't it? Oh, is it? I think it is. Well, actually, this is a fine podcast to have this conversation because our guest today is... Dave Lamb, voice of Come Dine With Me, which is definitely before six. Yeah. And one of our senior executives here had a little gag about this, didn't he, a little bit earlier?

It was a fantastic gag. Can you read Tellers and give us some real justice? Yes. He quite hilariously said, who's your guest today? And one of my very many colleagues, there are staff of up to 85 who work on our radio show here at Times Radio, said, oh, it's Dave Lamb. And the executive amusingly misheard it as David Lammy,

the foreign secretary. It's not, it's Dave Lam, the voiceover artist from Come Dime With Me. But we're so dizzy, the two of us, that we could easily have asked for Dave. We can ask the same questions. We don't care, we don't know. You don't seem to be able to mention David Lammy, Foreign Secretary, at the moment,

without referencing the fact that Donald Trump gave him a second helping of chicken. It's going to be what's his legacy to the world will be that Donald Trump liked him so much, he had second helpings. Which is weird, really, isn't it? It is weird, but there's a lot in the world connected to Trump that's really weird. Super weird. And some of it's really quite sinister as well as weird. So Sir Keir Starmer's a vegetarian isn't he? Oh I didn't know that.

Yes, he doesn't eat meat. Right. Well I know what a vegetarian is. Thank you, just checking. So it seems extraordinary and I'm going to be prejudiced here in the direction of Donald Trump and I make no apology for that. Gosh, what's coming? Well, I wouldn't have thought that Donald Trump has any time for vegetarians.

I mean, he's got a very long list of people he doesn't like and doesn't seem to want to interact with and he definitely thinks that if you exist on a diet of McDonald's you deserve to be a superior human being and I wonder what he served? Kirstama. Roast cauliflower. Maybe. I only know all of this actually because the political editor of The Sun phoned the breakfast show today, not phoned probably just texted in, with details about this dinner, more details of David Lammy's dinner. Have more details emerged?

They have. Well apparently it was served, the dinner, the chicken was served with boiled potatoes. Boiled? Yes. Bloody hell, that's low-grade spodage, isn't it? Isn't it just? That's appalling. Oh dear.

But, you know, maybe if you don't often use cutlery, it's best to have a boiled potato. I've been rude again again about Donald Trump. I'm so sorry. My time won't be long on the earth. Right, customs hats for bunches. Hello both. I'm a week or so behind with my listening due to being on holiday in Florida. Ooh! And celebrating my husband Alan's 60th birthday, your talk of 1970s hair bunches has made me smile, remembering that my mum used to knit hats that had specific holes to thread your bunches. I love, I absolutely love that. I was probably wearing these up until about the age of 10, complete with chin strap too.

I do remember a hat with a chin strap, just excruciatingly embarrassing. You just looked like you'd had some kind of a head injury. You're wearing a big bandage. Why had the simple beanie not been invented? I don't know. It was just the very, very firm belief our parents had that whatever the hat, no matter how tight it was, it might just blow off. Yeah and dear relatives who knitted you items. I mean look I'm a big big fan of crafting and the crafting community but sometimes gifts from family knitters were not always terrifically they weren't what you want. My gran, my paternal grandmother made really long hats which we had to wear which had, they were, they

looked, I remember my sister and I called the hats jelly bags because they reminded us of chunks of jelly. Do you remember how jelly used to come in that chunk form? Yeah. And they had this sort of puffed out panelling on these huge hats she'd wear for us. Oh, good god. I know. It's a shame you don't still have one of those. The hats came from a place of love but god I felt a tit when I was wearing it to school. I mean really what is it about that time of British life where it was clear that the simple beanie hat was just waiting to be invented. Why did it take so long? Jane I don't know but one of our listeners will know. Right okay well let us know. I remember quite a lot of back wing jumpers when I was growing up, because you don't have to cast on and cast off very much for a back wing jumper.

You just go all the way up, just getting increasingly large, and then you sew them together. It's like a big, great big poncho. Job done. Yep, and those I haven't kept, actually. So Anne goes on to say, I don't think any photographic evidence exists. I'm not sure about that. I bet there are some images. If you know this lady, get in touch.

And Anne apologises for not being able to attend one of the live shows, but is looking forward to hearing the podcast versions, hoping both guests will be covered. Now, live streaming, not on the podcast stream, but that will be rectified in future events, but you would have to access the live stream. Eve, who's delightfully referred to by one of our correspondents as our handler. Eve our handler is smiling. So and I'm really sorry you just if you if you type in Jane and Fiat the Barbican it comes up and you can do a live stream thing instead. Yeah which we can do so you can watch the and hear the evening from the comfort of your own home. Imagine that.

Yeah. But if you were planning on coming in person and now think, oh, I'll do that instead, don't. We're expecting to see you. There will be a register taken. Oh, and that reminds me on the platform at King's Cross Tube station yesterday, I met Eleanor. Hello, Eleanor. You know, the other day we were talking about people who sometimes spot us out in the wild, but don't feel that they can say hello or just don't feel like it. You know, the other day we were talking about people who sometimes spot us out in the wild

but don't feel that they can say hello or just don't feel like it. And Eleanor said that I had said that I wanted people to say hello and she did say hello yesterday and with her lovely children, I think it was there was a gentleman as well with them who looked like he possibly didn't have any interest in meeting me whatsoever, but it was lovely to see Eleanor. It really was. So thank you for coming to say hello because it's lovely. It is. Yeah. I just had a very big roast so I had begun the process of digesting it.

Do you think you had beefy breath? A pork breath. Pork breath? I know, I chose the pork. It's not often done, is it? But I like it. It was very nice. With the stuffing. Did it have crackling? Yes, it had a little bit of, well it was, is it, I don't know how to pronounce this, as you know, struggle with, pochetta. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, it was very nice.

So I'm not really into the fat, but the meat was absolutely lovely. Yes, very nice carrots as well. That's very good to know. Just in case you're wondering, I had a lovely rainbow lasagna in Birmingham on Friday. Rainbow lasagna, what's that? It was vegetarian lasagna. It had all the colours of the rainbow. Oh, right. But no pot of gold at the end of it. in Birmingham on a Friday. Rainbow lasagna, what's that? It was vegetarian lasagna. Had all the colours of the rainbow.

Oh, right. But no pot of gold at the end of it. So the colours being, so there was carrot. Was there carrot in the lasagna? Anyone still with us? Seriously, carrot in the lasagna. No, I don't think that's a good point. No, that would, no, carrot in lasagna wouldn't be good

unless it was very, very finely chopped in a meat lasagna. So I think on recollection, it was red peppers, green peppers, definitely lots of aubergine, a kind of spinach puree, onions and then you know the usual layers of bechamel and whatever and some breadcrumbs on top. It was lovely I'd never heard of a rainbow lasagna before. Nor had I. So well done the Midlands. Riff raff on holiday dear Jane and FIFA, the two correspondents done the Midlands. Riff raff on holiday dear Jane and FIFA, the two correspondents who said there's no riff raff on Madeira generally agree. Our friend Jim, with whom we've been on many holidays over the past 20 years, says you can always tell the

quality of the hotel or resort by the proportion of hardbacks being read by the pool. So true isn't it? Thankfully the kindle appears to be in decline as it made using this yardstick more difficult. Best wishes, Stephen. We do love hearing from our refined listeners. Yes, that's beautifully put. Some lovely spacing there, Stephen. Excellent. A cut above and I love this from Mr. Leon the Solent, quite a regular correspondent. My favourite phrase on the subject of riff-raff was from someone who lived in West Cowes. West Cowes, is that on the Isle of Wight?

I would imagine so. Yeah, they were referring to their daughter. It went like this. How's your daughter getting on? I'm afraid she's going out with a man who is available during the day. Unemployed? Apparently, the gybe referred to an

unemployed man who lived in East Cowes. Oh ouch. Well I don't know my cows well enough to know the pejorative nature of the compass there but obviously East Cowes doesn't quite measure up to West Cows. Do you find that in East West Kensington? Yes, well West Kensington? No, I'm not going to say that. One thing that really has annoyed me for donkey's ears is the name of the underground station, High Street Kensington. Why in God's name is it not Kensington High Street? Yeah, I know. I don't know and it annoys me. Yeah Yeah I'm sorry about that. I'll change it. Okay regarding the conversation

on laundry, so many of you have been touched about laundry and a couple of you have kind of apologised for the fact that it's laundry that has launched your entry into our email inbox. Don't? Well no because the plain fact is that you just do it all the time day in day out. It's so much. A lot of our lives ladies has been spent doing laundry so don't apologise because we talk about the big things as Jane has already demonstrated sometimes in Latin. So don't feel bad about laundry. This one comes in from Puzzled describes herself as a middle-aged woman who should have sussed this out by now. Regarding the conversation on laundry, I'm interested to know what the consensus is on

how often a bra should be washed. Oh, well I think this is a really good area. And if you have several different colours and styles on the go at the same time, how do you keep track on how many wears each has had? Well, does anybody have a bra rotor going? Well I have what I'd call my go-to bra and then I've got other bras and the go-to is washed much more frequently than the others and the truth is I don't always know with the other bras when I last wore them and how often they've been washed. The go-to

is washed every, I'm going to say three or four washes, three or four wears. Okay, have you got a special bra? Well everyone has got a bra that they, for example, Fia, I'll be wearing a special bra at the Barbican. The one that offers, I mean we've all got one, the one that we know will not let us down. I've washed mine in preparation for the barbeque tomorrow. There we are. Everyone has. There you go too, brah. Just feel better. It's just got a great fit. I can't wait to see it.

You won't be seeing it. Oh won't I? Oh come on. Nobody will. But that's not the point. No, but also bras are weird aren't they because you just cannot give them a bit of a sniff. No but I will definitely sniff a shirt to see if it needs a wash. But a bra doesn't seem to react because quite often it just smells of your deodorant because obviously that's you know it's part of its been in the area of your armpit so I think it is quite hard to

tell when they need a wash. I don't wash mine very regularly, but as regular listeners know, I'm something of a slutton, or a slut as Godfrey Bloom, the UKMB would have called me, and I'm not very good with my rotor. But you wash yours by hand, don't you? Yes, I do. It's one of many, many differences between us. Well, I was told that by the lady, the quite stern lady at the superior bra fitting establishment.

I think you should name it. I'm not going to. It's the brassier provider to the royal family, isn't it? Well, we don't know, do we? Because I don't know who... The late queen certainly went there. Well, she didn't. Let's be honest. I never saw her there. Do you think the current Queen's down Victoria's Secret? There's absolutely no way we're going to get any kind of OBE after that.

Now this is a horrifying email about laundry from Laura. It's taken me until my later 50s to discover that separating white or light clothes from darker coloured clothes and washing them separately is nearly always a complete waste of time. About a year ago, feeling radical and annoyed at having two separate loads, neither of which was big enough to justify a cycle all of their own, I just jammed them in together. I figured that all the clothes were well worn and that any dye would have leaked out years ago. Absolutely no negative consequences, she boasts, and I've been joyfully washing everything together since. I still have a thrill of defiance when

I see those whites going in with a dark green, a blue or a black, even a jean. I wouldn't recommend it for a new item of clothing in a dark colour, but once you've washed it a few times just go for it. Honestly it's liberating and it avoids the tedious sorting and the half loads. What do you think, Fie? Well I think however you want to do your washing, do your washing that way and if it works it works, but if it doesn't it's a tragedy. I mean if it doesn't, you know, that's a waste of a whole great big washing machine full of clothes. I tread more carefully don't you? I'm sort of slightly jealous of a woman who's just decided to sod it. Just

carefully. It just all goes in the drum and I'll live with the consequences. I know but the consequences are just always, aren't they? Or they're shrunken. The number of really, really lovely sweaters, and I used to do this far too often when the kids were younger, that would just be reduced to boiled wool. So, you know, we'd try and put them on their teddy bears, and even the teddy bears are just like, no, you're going to break my arm trying to get it into that.

And I just ruined too many clothes by exactly that, oh, kind of whatever. Everything will survive a 40. And it doesn't. So you seem like a nice woman on the surface, but you could have broken a teddy bear's arm. Yes, very easily. Oh, there we are. Very easily, yeah. Put your glove over your body. Yeah. Right, can I just briefly mention, because I just live from Jan, who just says, I've

been listening for a long time. Well, we all have Jan, it's got to that level now. It's not really sometimes. Actually, she has written, it says here, Dear Jan and Fee. No, Jan, that's your name. She's listened for so long, she thinks she's in it. Well, actually, of course, you are in it. That's the whole point of it. Anyway, Dear Jane and Fee, I've been listening for a long time and I've been so close to writing on many occasions and what's been so lovely

actually this weekend, lots of people who've been on the cusp for a long time of writing in. Over the weekend they just gave in and they wrote in. Well done you. And thank you. Anyway, this week though I just had to because you mentioned jury service. I was listening on Thursday feeling so smug. I'm almost 70, never been called to serve. Guess what happened? Do do do do. Do do do. The post came and that in itself is a miracle

because how often does the post come these days? Ours is very good at the moment. OK. I've got a nice postman. He just doesn't seem to come that often. Or maybe I just don't get any letters. That could be it. Right, I've never been called to serve. I'm almost 70.

What should come through the door that morning but the letter telling me my services are required. And I can only blame you two. I was so sure I'd never have to do it. I really was pretty smug. I think you putting it out in the ether has attracted some sort of weird karma in my direction. Apparently the cut-off is 76. I had thought of saying that my bladder's weak and leaky

and hope it would save me. However, I've got a shred of social conscience left and I will do my best. Jan, I'm sure you will. Congratulations on your call-up, although it is slightly spookily timed. Really spookily timed. Let's save some of the longer jury anecdote for Wednesday's edition because some of you have written about your experiences and they're very thoughtful and some of them are just a bit troubling as well Jane and it would be good to give them some welly so if you're expecting to hear your jury story please don't give up and think that we've moved on because we haven't. Final one from me comes in from Andrew

Davenport who says and this is going back to Riff Raff, the best example of the mass judgment of others happened in Majorca in 1998. Two experiences on one island within 24 hours show how marvellous Majorca is. The first walking through one of the more popular resorts of west of Parma listening to a young scouse on a phone box explained to younger listeners home. We need Jane's accent here saying Yeah Mum I'm fine. They've got chip potatoes, baked potatoes and mash, so I'm not going hungry. Thank you. Beautiful. Ah, 24 hours later in Andrax after watching Michael Hezeltine...

Andrax? Yes, Andrax. Not Anthrax, Andrax. After watching Michael Hezeltine depart his sailing yacht and deciding we can definitely eat better here, finding ourselves in a lovely restaurant. At the next table was what you'd call a posh British man. His son looked like he was on his week with daddy and what we imagined was the poor nanny. Daddy spent a lot of time referring to PQBs. Intrigued, we listened to his advice to his son with multiple references to PQBs. As dessert arrived he finally said it in full, beware poor quality Brits. Oh dear.

Mind you PQBs we have said ever since and Andrew accompanies his sign off with a kiss. Andrew thank you very much indeed for that. Gosh PQBs, Michael Heseltine on a yacht, Jane's Scouse accent, we've had it all. I think it's time for Dave Lam. I think it is time to bring in Dave. So five people who live in the same neck of the woods but don't know each other, all get together to host a different dinner party, three course dinner party every night, so they take it in turns to cook for each other and judge each other's cooking. Okay. And the person who gets the most, the highest

score at the end of the week wins a thousand pounds. Wow. I only ask because like many Times Radio listeners, I'm a stranger to daytime television. That is such a lie, Times Radio listeners. But unfortunately it might clash with celebrity antiques roadshow I don't know what else you're watching anyway we've got an interview now with Dave Lamb who is the voiceover artist of Come Dine With Me it would be a totally okay show if that format was just it but it's a cult classic because of Dave's voiceover which is at turns sarcastic, always on the side of the viewer at

home and often speaks directly to the elephant in the room. Well, Dave came in to celebrate 20 years of the show. In that time 10,665 meals, in inverted commas, have been cooked. Oh, there's been so many. I mean, everything just blurs into one for me over 20 years of kind of weird puddings, main starters. I mean that's the trouble coming on shows like this. I always think what am I going to actually say because you're going to say, do you remember this? And I'm going to say not really, no, it's just all melded into one.

Yeah, when it first started though, was it aiming for something a little bit different in tone to what it's become? Because you kind of watch it now for comedy as much as anything else, don't you? Mm. I think they did a pilot and I think it was quite a straight show at that point, but Channel 4 took the decision to audition comedy writer performers as a narrator so that they could add a little something to it at that point coming in from the voiceover and once we actually got into the studio to record we all stepped back from that a little bit going this is a bit too much you can't shout like that at people while they're

trying to cook so we kind of stood back a little bit from it but over the years it's grown organically into the shout fest that it currently is, the voiceover. But that's the joy of it, isn't it, that we're relying on you to be able to shout at us what we're actually shouting in our heads. Yes, I feel as if I'm both sitting on the sofa with the viewer and round the table with the diners. I feel like I'm in a kind of privileged position. Some of them, Dave, are just muppets as well aren't they? I mean they really are. You can say that. I have to stay neutral and impartial, but I think people do fall into that trap of considering themselves to be something whereas the rest of the world considers them to be something completely different.

There's an abyss that opens up between those two positions and a lot of the comedy comes from that. Do people apply to come on because they believe themselves to be good cooks? I think some do. I think some like the idea of being on TV, some think it'd be funny if I can get on that show, it'd be hilarious. But what they don't realise though is that the casting process is like, if it takes 13 weeks to make the show, which it does, eight weeks of those are the casting process. So there's a lot of attention paid to making sure the dynamic is right and making sure that people are sitting around a table who would not normally sit around a table together.

It's not like it's set up for conflict, but it's set up so that people are out of their comfort zones. And do you know if the people do genuinely eat with each other every consecutive night of the week? Yes it's done it's done for real like that yeah absolutely. God wouldn't you just be feeling a bit ill by the time you got to Thursday? I think it's a little bit unfair on those who come towards the end of the week because I think it would depend how good the cooking's been but yeah I think there's an advantage to going early and people often go early and then change their personalities

entirely after they've sucked up to people on the first night and got good scores they can then turn nasty and really start putting their putting the knife in later on in the week. There are some classic dishes that people have dreamed up and come down with me. Sausage trifle, bacon roly poly with cheese custard, squirrel paté, iron brew soup, roadkill platter, Yorkshire pudding with rabbit's tails. Yeah, there's been a few going in for the roadkill. A lot of foragers. You get all sorts. Have you ever, you've had badger? I personally haven't had badger. No, but on the show. I don't think anyone you ever had badger? I personally haven't had badger. I don't think anyone's eaten a badger.

They've tried. They've tried to catch one but they've never actually got one. Do you like food? I like food, yeah. I enjoy food. Still, despite the fact that I've watched this for 20 years. Because it must be quite hard work if you do really like your food sometimes to watch people just, you know, mauling their way through another potato dauphinoise. Yeah, yeah, true. It's also difficult when you get the occasional excellent chef who comes on and presents exquisite dishes and morsels of delight to people who literally couldn't care less whether it was delicious or not and are not interested in the fine cuisine.

It's such a fine line between making the audience laugh along with somebody and ridiculing them and do you think that sometimes you've crossed that line? I really, really hope not. A lot of the time, because everything I say is scripted, because of the way it's filmed, obviously they're cutting down five whole days and evenings of shooting into five half-hour shows. So they have to tell a very tight story

with a proper narrative arc. So they have to be very precise about what gets said. So I'm reading from a script, which I'm allowed to add lib around, but if anything I will try and tone it down, rather than make it more cutting, because I think it's really important, and I think what this show does really well is bring everyone with it. I don't think there's a nastiness to it, at least I hope there isn't, because it's not about shooting fish in a barrel or trying to get one over on people. It's about trying to have fun.

And there's teasing, definitely, but hopefully it's inclusive, gentle teasing and teasing of everybody. Yeah. And I'd hate to think that it was nasty. I've really tried hard to make it not. Is there a part of the country that has given more enjoyment than others? Well, it's, I mean, it's gone all over the country. It's absolutely everywhere. I was looking at some statistics on that and we've been to most of the major cities 40 to 60 times. It's, I mean, it's 20 years. We've done a lot of these, a lot of these shows.

But there are, there are distinct differences in area. For example, this new series which started this week, we start off in Cambridge where there's an influencer who has people licking mayonnaise off each other's toes and then next week we go up to Glasgow where there's a massive row about sea bass which seems to be most of the week. So there are big, big differences, but it is just a big melting pot and hopefully I remain the same to everybody. Now we might be getting a little bit too technical here, but let's just go with it. It's three of us sitting in a very small studio with headphones on, we're allowed to. Sometimes you have to talk so fast, I'm thinking maybe you're doing three or four words per second, it's much much faster than a normal voiceover isn't it? Yeah and I'll tell you what it is, it's much louder. This is not the voice.

No, I want to hear your Come Diamond Me voice in a moment. Oh okay, we've got to get the faders drawn back. Absolutely. Because yeah, it's a lot of shouting. Just tell people to stand back from their pieces of equipment, won't we? We'll give them warning. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, there is a, it is fast, it is a fast read, but one of the things that producers, they do a guide voiceover to make sure that the script fits into the gap, And one thing they've learned over the years is to shout while they're doing the guide because I'm going to be shouting.

So if you talk quietly you can get a lot more words out and speak a lot more quickly, whereas if you're projecting and pushing really hard it slows the pace down. So that's actually something we've had to take into account. I love the shouting because sometimes you are just doing one word aren't you? Or you're just basically someone will say that they're doing something and you just go no What you're feeling to what other strange things have you been asked to do because you are the voice have come down with me I think in the early days people seem to think I'm gonna be in the corner in a sheepskin coat like some sort of culinary John Motson commentating live, like I'm going to be there. So in the early days I had people getting in touch asking if I'll come to their dinner

parties and commentate on them just privately in their houses. And the thought of doing that, it just makes me feel quite weak even thinking about it. Because it just doesn't work like that and that would be so excruciating to turn up and go, oh this is going to be hilarious, you're going to love this everybody and it's awful, awful, awful. The flip side of that question is, do you ever think that because you are the voice of Come Dine With Me, you've actually not got as much work as you would have had because everyone goes that's the bloke who does Come Dine With Me. I think there's been a little bit of that. It's been a little... but purely because of the amount of time I've had to dedicate to doing Come Dine With Me, I didn't realize it was gonna be literally thousands of shows over 20 years.

And is it a British format or is it a format that was successful abroad? No, British format that's been exported and I think it's gone to something like 44 countries or something. It does very, very well. And forgive us not knowing this but is there a celebrity version? There's been lots of celebrity versions. We haven't been asked have we, Jane? Have you not? No.

Let me extend that invitation right now. What would you cook if you were on it? I'm just a hopeless cook and I feel for the people because they're doing it under pressure and it's so easy to mock. That's the thing. Try doing it. Oh, the camera right over your shoulder while you're trying to chop vegetables. Do you know what? I do think that a Times Radio celebrity version would be fantastic.

Well, come on then. What would you cook? If you're right for me, she, come on then. What would you cook? She's a good cook. What would you cook? I wouldn't do anything very good on the night. I'd get really nervous about it and burn everything around the edges, but it would probably be fish based or whatever. Could you prep it?

Could you pre-prep? I could probably pre-prep. I've got a son who's training to be a chef, so to be honest, I'd get him to do it all for me. That's allowed. I think that's fine. As long as you come clean about it. Actually, genuinely, you know, we as a family have watched so much honest I get him to do it all for me. That's allowed, I think that's fine. Actually genuinely

you know we as a family have watched so much Come Dine With Me and so some of his love of food absolutely does come from you know that kind of celebration of it all. Did you see the one where they passed food in through the kitchen window and she passed it off as her own food? She got a chef to pass plates of food in through the kitchen window and she took it out as a main course. That would be my game plan, absolutely. Jane does a really fantastic roast chicken with gravy and lettuce. Wow, that sounds good. Nice hot gravy I'm hoping. She served it. On that occasion it was. It was a monumental evening, Dave. Yes it was. You had to be there, that's what she said to me. You had to be there, that's what she said to me. A thousand quid is the prize, that's if you win the week. Yeah, that's not gone up in 20 years either.

They've done well on that, haven't they? Just the pressure. It's outrageous, isn't it? They do give people a hundred and fifty quid to put their night on. Oh, do they? Okay. And I think some people go, I'm not winning this, there's no way I'm winning it so I'm going to spend as little of this 150k as possible. As I can get away with it. Forbes, a guy from Scotland called Forbes, famously served pig strutters and I think he came in about 60p ahead and pocketed the rest. So how much longer can you do it for? Do you want to do it forever and ever and ever and ever?

Do you know what, I'm in a really good place with it at the moment and I think the show is as good as it's ever been and yes, I would like to continue doing it. I enjoy it. So can you give us a little demonstration? I mean if you can imagine that Jane Garvey here has just cooked a fantastic, it was a very very succulent moist roast chicken. Can I call it a bird? A bird, a bird, succulent bird and it was placed down on the table and the gravy was there in a big jug

and that was fantastic and there was a leafy green salad. It was a very showbiz evening actually, I'm not going to show off who else was there, but there was an air of expectation Dave. We were thinking another, maybe a carbohydrate was going to emerge. There was a reason why we didn't have potatoes. I can't remember what that reason is. Yeah but anyway that was served. I mean just have you got a line for... Well it looks as if Jane Galvey has foregone all forms of carbohydrate and decided to go for piping hot gravy. And you have to say that's a mistake. Thank you Dave. Well um that's it. She's never coming again. Nor is anybody. Dave Lamb and the new series which I think is season 276 of Come Dine With Me, I'm only slightly exaggerating there, is available now on the Channel 4.

It was really lovely to meet Dave Lamb because I was a bit worried actually, Jane, that he was going to be his voice, which if you were just going to have a conversation... It would be exhausting. ...with him would be a bit tiring. He's a very stylish chap, wasn't he? He had one of those lovely, and you do get this with actory types I'm going to say, the beautiful thin scarf. A very thin scarf. Lovely. And it's one of those little things that the older man is very much enhanced by.

Yes, who else wears a thin scarf? Who's very famous for their thin scarves? Oh God, you've got me. Well, I don't think Monty Donne is a stranger wears a thin... someone's very famous for their thin scarves. Oh God, you've got me... well I think I don't think Monty Donne is a stranger to a thin scarf. I don't think he's a stranger to style, Jane. There's somebody else that'll come to me. Yes, I know exactly who you mean. Anyway, welcome to the middle-aged woman's world.

This is the kind of golden content you won't be getting tomorrow because, Fee... We are at the Barbican tomorrow doing a live show, which means we're not in work at all. We will bring you... It is work. ...tales from the stage, not this work. We'll bring you tales from the stage on Wednesday, so please don't worry if nothing drops into your feed. We will be back with you.

Yes, unless we're fired. That's so true. Yeah, I mean, never, anything for granted. No I don't, I absolutely don't Jane. So I would love to hear from anyone who'd been on Come Dime With Me by the way. Oh good idea. Yeah I wonder if anybody out there, I mean look we've got Al Pacca fanciers, we've got people who know about poor quality British people, everyone is out there, there must be someone who knows something about the Come Dine With Me experience. And if you can name the suave middle-aged man who's wearing a thin scarf, please help us. Is it Ralph Fiennes?

No, I don't think it is Ralph Fiennes. No, I don't think it's even an actor. I'm thinking it's somebody who you kind of think, oh I should hate you for wearing a thin scarf so well. I'm surprised I've spent so much time thinking about it. Clive Myrie! I knew I'd get there in the end. Right! Brilliant! Ta-rah! Congratulations, you've staggered somehow to the end of another Off Air with Jane and Fee. Thank you. If you'd like to hear us do this live, and we do do it live, every day, Monday to Thursday, 2-4 on Times Radio. The jeopardy is off the scale, and if you listen to this you'll understand exactly why that's the case. So you can get the radio online on DAB or on the free

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