Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ahir Shah

Episode Date: March 11, 2026

Edinburgh Comedy Award-winning stand-up and Netflix star Ahir Shah is this week’s guest diner. Sparkling bum gun, anyone? Ahir Shah is going to be touring across the UK with a brand new show, ‘Golden’, tickets on sale now at www.ahirshah.comFollow Ahir on Instagram @ahirshahWatch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Thu 12 Mar.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the off-manue podcast, taking the gin of conversation, adding the ice of humor, pouring in the tonic water of friendship, and adding a little slice of giggling lime. Listen, most people have just gone just the gin and the tonic and been lazy. You've got to have the lim. He included the lime and the ice. Full respect. I ain't drinking a gin and tonic without ice and lime. That is a gamble. My name is James Acaster.

Together we own a dream restaurant. You know what I mean, Benito. And every single week, we invite in. He probably feel like an alcoholic if you're just drinking. Starter, make, gau, desserts. Strait and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is Ahir Shah.

A wonderful comedian, the brilliant Ahishah. Yes, an award-winning comedian as well. Yes. He won the Edinburgh Comedy Award, James. Yes. Second time he was nominated, I believe. Yes. Yes.

Two and done. Yeah, he didn't like... Or Benitos. Benito's Googling on it. He doesn't think it. Third, maybe. He doesn't think it. Third?

No, still. Three's enough, isn't it? I think if you're nominated three times. Oh, yeah, some of us can only dream of the blessed relief of winning the third time. You're five and five and out the running, right? Five and presumably out of the running. Yeah. And I never want it.

Is anyone out, are you the record? Yes. Yes, that's the record. No one's been nominated five times before. Three for our here. There you go. Yeah. So you won it on the fourth time?

No, I don't. He won it on the third time. No. Huh? He won it on the third time. On the third time, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you did five and didn't win it.

I did five and never won. Yeah. Which means, you know, at least... I mean, I know there's people sat at home and go, well, how many times are you nominated, Ed? Well, none, but that became clear very early on, so... But loads of people...

I just got to laugh at James every year. There's loads of brilliant comedians who've never been nominated. Yes. You know, mine is the ultimate joke. Yes. How many times is Al Murray nominated? Four and one on the fourth time. Yeah, that's good. That's really good.

That would have been brilliant for you. also exciting news our here's show that won the award Ends is available to stream on Netflix now Very exciting yes You can you can get it on Netflix If he mentions the secret ingredient An ingredient which we would take it to be unacceptable

We will kick him out the dream best try And this week our secret ingredient is Burnt ends Because of ends I'm sorry I came up with this I'm really proud of it Very clever Ed's told me how clever it is a number of times

Yes So that feels good I love burnt ends yeah yeah they're delicious at the barbecue yes it's the brisket it's the ends of the brisket it's the end of the brisket they've got a did they I mean is it just what happens anyway to the or do they scorch a mixture no I think

I think they might scorch them extra after and put them in sauce and do all of that yeah yeah yeah like meat butter man meat butter yeah melting the mouth baby meat butter is like that's an end gamble show title meat butter yeah you'd go out and do a tour show called meat butter Or a travel show called Ed Gamble meets butter

Where you Look into the dairy industry Just go and check out Yeah but not in like a Ooh isn't the dairy industry bad No what Who needs that? Like as in

Who needs that right now Meet a lovely rosy-cheeked farmer Yeah Try some butter with a spoon And that's that That's that And then we're on to the next week Rosie-cheeked farmer

Yeah Hmm Maybe a bucks some milk made Oh dear Oh dear Listeners Ed's very quickly turned to his butter travel show and looking at boobies

That's a huge shape Well, I don't think the dairy industry would be where it is today Without boobies, James Unarguable This is the off menu menu of Ahir Shah Welcome out here to the dream restaurant Hello

Welcome Ahir Shah to the dream restaurant But it's putting you for some time Yeah, do you know what no one can ever prepare you for what that's going to feel like. Yeah. It felt good. How did it feel? Yeah, it felt really quite overwhelming, actually.

I mean, like, you know, with this, coming here to the dream restaurant doing this, I mean, obviously, I've known the pair of you for more than 15 years. Yeah, yeah. Now, and, you know, this podcast starts a long time ago, and I'm thinking, it's going to be my time, it's going to be my time. Podcast takes off in a way that, let's be fair, my career didn't. And all of a sudden, I'm refreshing my feet, and it's like, oh, they've got fucking Buzz Aldrin on this week.

I'm not going to be able to compete with that. We should get Buzz Aldrin on it. We should get Buzz Aldrin. Yeah, yeah. Talking about his goddamn space snacks. Oh, man. Yeah, we haven't had space snacks on the pot. Yeah.

Until today. Would you try some space snacks if you? I feel like I'd give some space snacks ago. Yeah. Yeah. It's all powder stuff you add water to. No, I don't think so. I think it's dried stuff.

I don't think you have to add water to it. Because that'd be a nightmare in zero G, wouldn't it? Yeah, as soon as I said it, I thought. You're trying to pour the water into it. the water's going up. Yeah, how are you doing that? Yeah. And this is one of those things that really makes you think,

and that's why I won't go to space. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not any of the other. It's been offered to you multiple times, hasn't it? It was part of the Edinburgh Comedy Award. Part of the Edinburgh Comedy Award, Buzz got on the blow to me.

It was like, dude, I heard you hang out with, and James pretty soon. Afterwards, do you want me to come pick you up in the spacecraft? That's what he calls it. Yeah, the spacecraft. That's what happens. We come on the spacecraft.

Bridget Christie had a great time. All of the winners went up to space. Every time I was on the launch pad. Five times in a row. Just there yelling, God! I always think of, yeah. I didn't get in the spacecraft. Be like, finally.

Somewhere she can't get. I'd have a little spacecraft following him. My head's just doing. The gift of this is the one thing we didn't want to happen. He turns around and she's sat there. Oh, no. Are you a foodie out here? You're much of a foodie way?

Apologies. Yes, I am. I didn't used to be, but sort of it transformed over a couple of things. So, firstly, the first time of many times that I quit smoking because you're like, well, I need something to do with my face and I need something to do with my hands. the entire time. So I just started cooking like five, six meals a day. And so that was the first time that I probably got into, like,

like, cooking and everything just because it was like, if I'm chopping onions, I'm not thinking about the fact that I wish I was smoking 20 cigarettes right now. And got what a thing to remind yourself that it doesn't matter how much time there's been. Even me saying this is being like, yeah, but that sounds great. Yeah, that sounds good. I would love to be smoking 20 cigarettes. You both like love cigarettes, don't you?

Yes. And that's why we got to have them. Yeah. Yeah. There's a photo. famous photo of Ed, back in uni, where he's got how many cigarettes in your mouth at once? Five? Five. Like a file photo of Homer Simpson.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Five cigarettes in my mouth. He's loving it, and he's flipping the bird to the camera, I think, as well. Yeah. That was me at my truest form, I think. Yeah. Yeah. And I got really long hair that's all bunching up around the back, like a big curly mallet.

It's disgusting as hell. Yeah, it's gross. I remember you in those days. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, you remember me a big, big mullet, five six days. Five six. Swearing at everyone. Cosmilly.

Not the nice cheeky boy that you think of now. No, exactly. No, I was a legend back then. So that was when you got into food, was it? Well, you quit smoking. So started cooking loads as a result. And then more, so for quite a while, I lived quite near Barrow Market. See lots of sort of very, very swish stalls there.

A lot of nice restaurants. And so occasionally, you know, every now and then you'd be like, oh, do you know what? I'm going to treat myself to some fancy veg. What the hell is that? That squash looks like it's alien. I'm going to get that. How does that work?

And so, yeah, like being able to sort of live near somewhere like that and do stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. Was there any dishes that you discovered that you could make then that you still return to now? Well, I think that everything that I really wanted to get good at, and I'm nowhere near as good at, was all of the food that I grew up eating, which was, so I'm vegetarian, and this is all like Godrati vegetarian food. And I love the fact that sort of every sort of individual like dining culture from around the world has basically come up with whatever sort of dietary restrictions there might be or requirements. It's like you're still getting a balanced meal all on the same plate.

Just because through thousands of years of trial and error, people have ended up in this situation. I'm like, wow, I want to be able to do that, you know, and not feel that I'm going to a restaurant and, you know, everyone around me is having steak. And then, you know, what is it? We had the portobello mushroom period a dark time for the community. Benito's shaking his head. Just making Benito's language. He got replaced. But I thought that we were through the beetroot period.

We seemed to be re-entering the beetroot period. And the problem is that if you go somewhere and eat a lot of beetroot, and the following day you forget that you have eaten lots of beetroot, you've got a set in alarm. You wake up and you go to the loo and you're like, well, I guess I need to take. my family. That this is it. Yeah, right.

We've mentioned this before on the podcast. I am in favour of setting an alarm for eight hours time that just says you've had Beatrix. Because you need that. Because when you go toilet and then the alarm goes off,

you're like, thank God for that for me. But honestly, yeah, that's a scary moment. I checked on a friend once. A friend of mine had Beat True. Use the toilet. I went in after him. I was like,

You didn't flush? Well, there was, I think he'd flush, but there was still remnants. It's red, well, and I was like, ribena. Yeah. Oh, my God. I was said to me, dude, are you? Are you okay? And he went, ah, be true.

So, that was the stuff, and I'm sort of nowhere near as good at making any of that stuff as the sort of people who made it for me when I was growing up. And I remember when I was trying to learn this conversation with my mum, but I was like, I've been doing this for a while now. And it's just like, I just feel like I'm not getting the same sort of results. Like, is there anything? I just like, oh, here, it's just a matter of time. In about five, and this is after a couple of months,

so I'm thinking she's going to say five months. After about five years, you'll be able to, like, who's got time for this? The same thing every day for five years, and it will eventually taste nice. Yeah. And I'm operating on a comparatively easy mode. in doing all of this cooking. So, I have a story of when my maternal grandmother,

the day after she got married, and this is 1955, it's an arranged marriage in India, she finds herself in this, like, new family's house and everything. Everyone's out for the day. And she's like 19 years old, making dough for the Rodley's,

the Jopati's for later that evening. And a monkey leapt in through the window and stole the dough and ran off with the dough. So up out of the street. So she's just there. the dough. You're going to have to slow the story down now because it's too much for him

that a monkey jumped through the window and stole the dough. Is your grandmother like nervous because she's in a new house? That's basically a child. I've got to make this dough. I've got to make it perfect for my new family. Monkey comes in, nicks it, fucks off really quickly. That is perfect.

Yeah. And being told the story and I was just there being like, I'm like the worst wife ever. this goddamn monkey is taken away. Because wives should learn how to punch monkeys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As we all know. Exactly. Exactly. But when you're that new to the game, you don't know. Like yesterday was my first wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary. After a year, yeah,

my wife punched three monkeys yesterday. Yeah, of course. They're not going to run. They're like one given in the ladder box. Trying to steal our down. You think the monkey knew that, when the monkey got back to its mates, I think of them.

It was like, I stole this off. She's about to get married. She's so nervous. Yeah. It's 19. The other monkeys are going, you stole the dough, man. You've got to wait until it's cooked. Yeah, you have stupidest monkey in the gang.

Go back and steal a pan. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and there's actually now a very successful restaurant in that village, run by the monkeys. Yeah, yeah. All of it's stolen from new brides. I think there is a monkey restaurant somewhere. Oh, the monkeys do make stuff?

Yeah, there's a monkey restaurant in Japan, apparently. What? I'm not sure if they make the food, they bring you the food. Yeah. Right. Penance. Yeah. For their thievery in the past.

I hope that this is now what's happening in heaven to my grandmother. Yeah. Every day she just sits down and monkeys bring her food. Yeah, exactly. All this is raw, though. It's all raw. Yeah. She's still got cooking.

Yeah, yeah. That's on account of her sims. Yeah. Yeah. She wasn't a bad for baby angel. Then it had been cooked food. Your show ends. It's hitting Netflix.

Very exciting stuff. What can you tell people who haven't seen the show about the show? Yeah. So this is the stand-up show that I first did in 2023 and came out on Netflix September 24. And yeah, this is a show that basically started when I was engaged. And was just thinking about, I think when you go through, like, big life shifts into a new role, you're naturally like, well, who are my examples to learn by, right?

I was thinking, right, the longest marriage in my family that I can think of was the one between my mom's parents, right? We started off with the dead being stolen by the monkey. That's not even mentioning the show. That's not even mentioning the show. Imagine that. Imagine having a monkey jumping through windows to do you put in there. That's the whole show, if I'm writing it. Yeah, yeah, of course.

I'm dressed as a monkey on the poster. London Underground won't let that happen. They make you, yeah, they make you dress like a cucumber instead. Yeah, this is a cucumber again. This guy loves cucumbers. We can't advertise carbohydrates on the chew. Give the monkeys some cucumbers. A monkey sold in the dough got to change that.

Yeah, so it started just thinking about them and their lives, really. and actually the fact that at the time my granddad, when he was younger than I was at the time, was the first member of our family to come to the UK, which is now 60 years ago, and sort of just started thinking about just the differences between their lives and experiences and what everything meant for them

and it means to me now as a consequence. And in some ways, trying to tell the story of those 60 years in 60 minutes for particularly given that that was a generation who they were very small in number the stories weren't really told and were kept to themselves even within families it was often very, very difficult to find out the sort of reality of what happened

like drill down into their experiences and their younger lives. Yeah, but I think like it sort of all came from trying to appreciate these people from a previous generation as like the young people when they were my age rather than just like this image that you have of them as, well, that's the oldest man and oldest woman in the world. But obviously, you weren't always. Yeah, yeah.

To try and get some sense of connection between these generations and what it shows for what's changed in this country and in the world over time. Nice. I tried to connect with my granddad towards the end of his life, probably in his 80s or something. And I went to visit him for the day. and I was going to talk to him about, you know, just his life and discover, you know, learn things that I don't know about him.

And, uh, like getting blood out of a stone. And at one point I was like, what was like the most, you know, like what was like the best, if you look back at your life, what was like the best bit, like the best area of you like, and you thought for a bit and you went on a nice bike ride once. Okay, and that was it. Okay, I guess so. Then I went back and said to my dad, and I was like, he said he went on a nice bike ride.

And that's it. And my dad was like, yeah, he cycled to France and went all over France and back again and all over the Alps. I was like, well, why didn't he fucking tell me that? He's told me he went on a nice bike ride. You should have delved more into the bike ride. Tell me more about this bike ride. He's not just going to give it up for you, man. He didn't follow up questions.

Yeah. I would love for him then to have been like, no, if I'd meant that bike ride, I'd have said that bike ride, what I mean, It's that I cycle to Tesco one time. And it was just particularly nice. The weather was perfect. I could never, my grand and my dad's dad just used to make shit up. So, yeah. He used to claim he was the Northern Ireland Junior champion for washing up.

And I believe that until I was like 15. Yeah. And he said he shared his sandwiches with Richard Attenborough on the way back from the war. And I don't know if that's true. You don't know. Yeah. And he said he had a friend called Hooky who could, who could, who could, flight, he was in

flying planes for the Navy and he could recognize where he was in Britain from the roofs of the pubs. And then hookie died in a Ken Dodd gig. That's pretty long, though, that's good. Yeah. That's the only part of that. I can completely believe. Yeah, yeah.

The roofs of the pubs thing blew my mind, though. Of course it did. Yeah, yeah. Do you think he could do that? No, I think that that's why it drew your mind. It's like, that's basically you just going, kind, that's unbelievable. Yeah.

Probably not true. yeah. I mean, we really should get into your menu, really, but like that's just reminded me that a day. A friend of mine, their kid, I think they're about 12, but has gone through a stage absolutely obsessed with if they could get on the roof of any building. So, like, walking through London with them,

and this kid just kept them seeing a building and would like, do you reckon I could get on the roof of that building? And I'll be like, I don't think so. It'd be like, I bet I could. And then you kind of make up the interior of the building in his head to allow him to get onto the building. top of the roof. And then as soon as he got on the roof in his imagination, he would panic genuinely there, so he couldn't get down again. And he would be like, how the hell am I going to

get off this roof? And I was like, mate, you're not on the roof. You're just thinking about, could you get on the roof of that building? Because you're obsessed with getting on the roofs of buildings at the minute. He was like, but how are we going to get down from here? It really reminds me of, you ever watch those videos where an octopus gets stuck in a jar, but then gets itself out of a jar? And it can somehow get itself out of a jar. And my wife got incredibly concerned that if she were trapped in a very large jar, she doesn't have the same sort of like appendages as an octopusus to be able to free herself from the jar. And then it became a real question of like,

what would I be willing to do in order to get her out of the jar? Open the jar? No, no, no, but it's so big. The jar cannot just be opened. It's that I would have to be willing to put myself through certain trials in order to. That she's invented. Yes, it's okay. It's not just opening a jar.

No, no, no. It's what would you be willing to go through to free me from a jar that does not exist? Yeah, yeah. What was it? What was the most sure willing? At any point, did you draw the line and go, no, I'm just leaving you in the jar. You stay in the jar at that point. Yeah, that was not taken to be within the spirit of the game.

Right. Yeah. Which, and fair enough. Yeah, yeah. You're never going to have to do it. So you may as well say, yeah, I'd do that. Yeah, yeah. You know, deep down, there's some things you, you want.

wouldn't do to let your wife out of a jar. Yeah. Not doing that. Yeah. Obviously. For a while, like a certain list of demands are given and it's just like, just poke some holes in the top for a air. Yeah.

Yeah. Pop me on the shelf. Hope a monkey doesn't come into the gate. Get in the hole. Yeah. Still, I'll spark in water. I'm going to go with sparkling water, but I've heard a bad thing about sparkling water. Yeah, go on.

So a friend of mine had to go to the dentist recently. and they were like, you have no enamel left on your teeth. Or whatever. It's all worn down. What have you been doing? And it's because he only

drinks sparkling water. Only? He drinks like, yeah, exclusively sparkling. Well, I don't know if that's what he's brushing his teeth with. Or whatever. That's surely not advised by any dentist. You know how, you know, it's like eight out of ten dentists recommend this toothpaste.

You always think about the two don't. Are they the two are like, brush your teeth and sparkling? water. Yeah. Who gives us shit? And that's who he'd been seeing preempty. Yeah. He'd been seeing one of the two. Yeah. But so I had no idea

because you're just like, that's just water with some bubbles in it. Sure. How could that be? That's good. If anything, it might not be, it might be better for you than regular water. Yeah, yeah. Fancy. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. But I do think drinking it more than still water does feel inherently like a bad idea.

Because it's still fizzy. I don't see how you'd do it anyway. Even like beyond that, he might have have it coming out, it's taps. You can get the taps. Does this friend have it coming out? He has it coming out of this. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, yeah.

He's the first person I'd ever seen who had it coming out of a tap. Wow. And I was like, you know, like, in the 16th century when everyone would, like, marvel at the king because he had gout. And it's like, how rich do you have to be in order to have this, like, terrible condition? And everything. And it's like, got no teeth left because I was like, what comes out of my tap?

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, and I'm like, and I'm like, He's just putting on like six fur coats. He's just smiles and his teeth are worn down to little nubs. That's the fanciest guy in the world. God must be loaded. He might be brushed his teeth of it then. Yeah. This guy.

Yeah, he could if it's coming out of the tap. Showering. Yeah, showering. Yeah. Loving it. But they're just like tiny bullets. Yeah. Ow, ow, ow, oh, oh, ah.

Fuck. Bolling his pasta in it and stuff. Yeah. You can't even tell what it's come to the boil. Yeah. I would do that, actually. For a week, I'd do everything with sparkling water, I think. You'd try to do everything.

And I'd just walk around the house going, I'm living a sparkling life. Yeah, you're living a little sparkling life. You got like, you know, like a bum gun. A bum gun, yeah, yeah. Have you had that next to the live? Sure. Sparkling bum gun. I would love the sparking bum gun.

It's actually my rap name. Yeah, yeah. It's got to be. Sparkling bum gun. Yeah. Sparkling bum gun, imagine. I don't know if I'd like it or not. I would love it.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, the three of us, I'm talking about Benito as well, have all been to Japan this year. And what a highlight that is. Yeah. The toilets there. Absolutely loved them every single time. But do you think that they would have been aided by sparkling wars or sparkling water? I think so. If I was your rich friend with no teeth, I would get a Japanese toilet and fill it with sparked in water. Yeah, yeah. And never leave the house. Never leave the toilet. I don't think they fill the toilets with water to shoot up your butt. I think they're connected to the water supply. What have you been doing? Yeah. I just opened the system and put my butt in there. Slosh it around.

Not supposed to do that? Scream arugato at the top of your voice. And leave the restaurant with a soaking wet butt. Yeah. This sparkling water you're having, are you going to be able to get it out your head that it's just drawing your teeth? Are you going to be able to have this in a relaxed way?

Well, I think that that's fine. Surely one of the things in a dream restaurant has to be, like, there are no, like, consequences of, like, it's not like, oh, in the following morning after I came out of the dream restaurant, I had serious enamel issues. Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

Yeah, I think so. And also, you're not drinking sparking. You don't have it coming out. taps. Yeah, exactly. It's a special treat. Having it is a special treat, you're not like, oh, God, it's killing my teeth. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, there's all sorts of situations. Like, it's, I might be allergic to genies. I don't know. I've not met one yet. But let's not add that into the fantasy of this situation. It's like, we need to yes and this. Yes. Oh, I'm yes and in it. I'm just worried that you might be, you might be drinking it

thinking, oh, my teeth are fucked. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like with most foods that are nice, you can't be thinking about oh god what's this doing to my insides because it's a nice treat right? Yeah exactly It's like if you like we were away for the weekend recently for our anniversary

and we had lots of very nice meals and there was a period at the end of it on the Sunday where I feel a bit ah I've basically just eaten butter and salt for the last 72 hours that'll probably do it and that's good that you felt that

because that proves that that's not what you're doing all of the time Yeah. If you got to the end of that and you were like, well, just another day. Yeah. That would be worrying, right? Yeah. Yeah. Pop-labs or bread.

Pop-dums or bread. Again, you think you're ready. And you're not. You weren't ready for that. I'm trying consciously at a time I'm better now. I used to do it to surprise people. And then I just got it. I'd let the conversation naturally find an end and start doing it again.

I was like, why aren't people jumping anymore? Yeah. So I'm trying. now is you let me trail off on a point. And every time I think, God, I've said something really boring because James hasn't picked up the thread here. And then he does Popper Tom's Red and they're like, okay.

Oh, maybe I wasn't being that boring. No. James was just waiting to find a moment so he wasn't really listening to what I was saying. I don't know what you were just saying before that. Before I shouted Populums on bed, I have no idea. Point on the monkey again? Oh, I was thinking about the monkey, sure.

Yeah. I like that this is almost like James is respawning when he yells Poppin'Olt. Everything before is gone. Yeah, yeah. He's a new genie now. Yeah, a new genie, full HP. I was thinking about the monkey drinking

directly from the sparkling water tap. Being like, what the fuck? It's the newer, we're all in the gutter. It's the newer, we're all in the gutter, but some of us are monkeys drinking from sparkling water taps. The old quote, the old classic. Drink from the tap you want.

Do you have a preference? As in out of Papad or bread. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Papad, sorry. Cindy V picked me up on that. Yeah.

She always picks us up on that, but we've never changed it. But it's because, unlucky for her, Nish Kumar's mother, then disagreed with her. And I was like, well, I'm doing my Beena says. Bad luck. Bean is the boss. Yes. Yeah. So I'm going to go with Barford.

But I'm going to go with, I think that this is probably a thing that we'll get into heaps over this, which is that basically, until I was, pretty much like until I was at university, I'd never tried what in most of the UK is thought of as like an Indian restaurant. Right. Indian food. Right, because that's, A, what we were eating at home. We pretty much never went to restaurants when I was growing up. Anyway, on the few instances that we did, sometimes we would go.

to what I considered to be Indian restaurants, but because I grew up in, like I grew up in Wembley, northwest London, and my grandmother and grandfather were in Alperturn, and there's this long road, Ealing Road, and Wembley Harrod, there's lots of, those, there's big, sort of particularly Gujarati community there, and particularly at the time.

Right, so we would go to, you know, restaurants like that, I would consider Indian restaurants, but it's because it was sort of regional Guadrathi stuff, right? And so it would be identifiable. therefore. To be more like the stuff that you were having in the same anyway. And so when I started going to places and they were like, do you want papadams? And it's this like stack of deep fried things.

I was just like, it's very delicious, but what is this? Right? Because I was used to sort of stuff that was roasted over a fire, which is really lovely. And that's what I would rather have. But yeah, it's just this interesting thing of, and I think that it's because when sort of Indian restaurants started becoming a major thing in the UK. Lots of the people who were founding these restaurants were from Sillet in Bangladesh, or what is now Bangladesh at the time, but still have been East Pakistan.

And I gather that historically it was just these families being like, well, let's just people know the word Indian more. Right. Yeah, yeah. So we'll put that name on it. And these became what were understood in the popular consciousness as Indian restaurants. And so when I was like, oh, cool, we're all going to an Indian restaurant. And then it was incredibly different from everything.

But it sort of strikes me as being similar to, you know, if someone were to go to a, like a Spanish person going to a European restaurant and suddenly being served Swedish food or whatever. Like, technically, it's like, well, it's the same continent, man. It's like, well, yeah, but it's pretty. It's wildly different. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, oh, that's interesting.

But yeah, because I think British Indian food to me is like Indian restaurants in Britain are so specific. Like the taste of everything. And it's so nostalgic, I think for us just to like sit down and eat a curry. I love like obviously. In an almost deserted restaurant. That's what it must be. But it's like a, it's like if you've ever had. So because these things very naturally will then go towards the sort of palette of the country and the customers that there is.

Like, have you ever had, like, pizza hut on McDonald's in, like, I don't know, like, somewhere in Asia? Right, like something that you really associate with being a Western thing. I've had McDonald's in Japan once, which is great. They do a prawn burger. I've had McDonald's in Bahrain Airport. Love that. It was a chicken pitter. That was good.

I'm enjoying this segment of the show. Where I said had McDonald's in the world? I think that might be it, you know, because then I think I was like, what am I doing? doing. Why am I doing this? But, like, on the one hand, yeah, I don't want to be, it's really, really great to experience as many different things as you want. And, like, you know, like I recently, for the first time I went to, like, a Georgian restaurant,

right? I never had that before. I don't know if that's, quote, unquote, if there are Georgian food snobs who would turn their nose up to the specific way. But it was great. And I had a wonderful experience, and I'd never tried that stuff before. Lovely. Right.

So definitely want to encourage people to do as much of that stuff as possible. But I guess the point is it becomes kind of, like, because it's just that bit removed from what you're used to if you're growing up with it being done in a very particular style. It's sort of like when I've had like pizza in India and just being like, oh, this just feels a bit different. Yeah, yeah. It's like an uncanny valley situation.

It's interesting, isn't it? The way that, yeah, different nations will twist certain classic things and then that becomes what they used to and if they went to Italy and had pizza they'd be like

nothing like that isn't pizza mate yeah there's an Indian stand-up Kanan Gil who's got a really good bit about this of going to Italy and having pizza

and just being like where are the chilies or where's the funny and of course of course because that's what you're doing so you would like the puppet that you grew up eating

that was roasted over a fire and I would like some of it raw as well. I would like to be able to eat as much of it raw. You know who you're tempting? Who am I tempting? That monkey's going to come in any store. If you've got a more knocking about.

No, and do you know what? There's the window. No, no, no. The windows are open. I'm just brave. Eating a lot of the raw, because you get like, you know, it's like all of the stuff that you get told by your parents when you're a kid of like, oh, then the tree will grow in your belly and like all of this.

sort of thing. But you know when they try and pull that shit on you when you're in your 30s? Whatever. I'm just there like snacking on some lovely raw thing and my mother is insisting that in some sort of spurious way this is bad for me. I don't believe you at all.

I've lasted a long time. I've lasted a long time. I was eating this raw all the time and Vubble, I was sneaking in. Doing this constantly. If it were a death sentence, I'd be dead already. So it's a ratio of raw stuff to the roasted

stuff, what are you having for your dream meal? Are you having more raw than the roasting? Is it raw while you wait? Yeah, so like have one that I'm not Yeah, yeah, yeah. One's on the fire while I'm having a raw one. Yeah, yeah, no. I like that. So it's about 50-50. Yeah. You're constantly doing that.

Or do you want a 50-50 one half of it's been roasted in the fire and half's left raw? Oh, that's actually a really good idea. And then you can be breaking different bits off, putting them together to see what it's like together. Yeah. I like that idea a lot. What is your dream starter? My dream starter. So I'm going to go with Baniburi, which I, A, adore, B, you can basically have infinity Banipuri.

The idea of Panipuri now always makes me laugh because, so my wife's Irish and knows a few words of Gadrape that she sort of picked up over time. And at one stage, not realizing that it sounded exactly like this, look to me. and said, Barney means water, and Burry means burry, and it was exactly like mono means one and rail means rail.

I just don't imagine it, like was it, Lyle Langley, who at the chalkboard convincing a town in order to con everyone by a Bani Bury. Which was very good.

For those who have not had Bani Bury before, so it's like little crisp sort of puffs of dough again. You've protected it from the monkey. Yeah,

Yeah, you're fine. I can get that. Deep right them. They've been sort of puffed up almost into little spheres. One side, I don't know what magic they're able to do in order to make this happen, but one side of the sphere is sort of somehow thicker than the other, and you can like poke the thinner one with your finger. You can put, you have some like bold chickpeas in there, some potato in there,

some sort of sort of mung beans you can have there, like all sorts of things. And then you top it off with water that's like got coriander, chili, sort of spiced water. Yeah. We all know what your friend's doing. Yeah. Sparkling waters. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah.

I try one. I'm sparkling. Yeah. This is what's known as Fusion cuisine. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we're talking about. Sparkling Badi Murray, man.

Yeah. So, I mean, you must both be fans. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Apart from the one I had in Rome. In Rome? Yeah, in Rome.

Yeah, in Rome. Yeah. Well, this is another example of... Yeah, yeah. because I hear, have you ever had one that the water is mint-flavored? Not like solely mint. Mint in it, for sure. It was bad.

It was like mouthwash. The whole meal was like the worst meal I've ever had. It was real bad meal. I've spoken about on the podcast before. Ballypoury with Listerine. Yeah, it was basically that. And then I had a cocktail that was made with the same thing that was definitely in the Pannipoi.

So it's like, well, this guy's now done that. Crem de Monk. Yeah, it was so gross. And I, I spoke about it in a podcast before, but he came up to me. me and I'd finish my main course and went, oh, you finished you, that's cool. So, like, that was like, that was like the guy, no one ever did that.

So that is the only time I've had it with it's been bad, everywhere else. It's always brilliant. Like, do you think that you were being pranked during this meal? I was starting to think, is it going to be like something that this is like a fake, a fake restaurant? It's Michael McIntyre's big show. Yeah, yeah, Michael McIntyre's going to come out.

Yeah. Do you ever get those texts? Right. When Michael McIntyre has a comedian on and does text to all, if you received them? I've not received a Michael McIntyre text or all. I used to fall for them all the time.

James would fall for them the whole time. Every time I get a text from one from Tom Allen. I got it as well. And then James was like, oh man, I didn't want to put this on

a text group. But Tom Allen's just sent me a really funny text. I went, man, that's Michael McInty's thing. Yeah, got me on it. But then I got wise to it. And like,

Catherine Ryan went on it. And I got a text from Catherine Ryan and WhatsApp. It was like, hey, I'm doing a routine about you in my new show. I hope you don't mind. It's about how

weird you were when we first met. Let me know if you'd like some money when I'd do it on Graham Norton soon or something like that. To be fair, that is the only one that you should have believed. Yeah. I saw that and I thought, oh, I don't try. I checked with these guys. And I was like, have you got this text? And they were like, yeah. I was like, right, I'm not falling for that again. So I replied, my wife has died. It didn't make the edit, I don't think. It didn't make the edit. No. Neither one the other day. He responded with a picture of Michael McIntyre, didn't you? Yeah, Judy Love, we got one for Judy Love

the other day saying I'm going to get a Brazilian butt lift, don't tell anyone. But they wanted photos of butts that I thought looked nice. I've always thought you've got a peachy butt. Can you send me a photo of your butt? I went, yeah, one second. And they went, it took a while, but I think it

it came out really well, here's my butt. Photo at Michael McIntyre. Yeah. And you just, sorry, it was Oh, we're just looking for a photo of butt. Like, what's a butt that you really like? And you just respond with, well, my favourite was always my wife's, but as you know, she's dead.

Most you rest in peace. Nice butt. I should have kept it going that my wife was dead, actually. I regret that now. And I'm interested in the idea. And so you had bad Banybury in Rome. Yeah, I had some bad Bani Bury in Portugal area in the air. But I didn't want to believe, like, you want to believe,

Like, all right, just because, I mean, it's a vegetarian restaurant in Portugal and everyone's white, working there. I shouldn't be, like, turning my nose up, oh, they've got Pani Pora on the menu. That's not going to be any good. Yeah, yeah. So, sure, I'm going to get that. That's probably, it's going to be really great. Good for you, Eduardo. Yeah.

Eduardo's, he's ordering it. He's shitting himself in the kitchen. Oh, no. I think you were talking to Ed. Yeah. Eduardo, Hamas, thank you. Eduardo and Hamas. Well, it would change our names to that.

It was bad. It was the worst. Well, now you know, you should just go in with that. You should just go and like, fuck that. That's going to be shit. And like, just adopt that attitude. Yeah. The best panipuri I've ever had is on Ealing Road about a year ago.

I was walking up to visit my grandma. And there was a shop. You know those shops? which seemed like they'd be so upsetting to work, because they're blaring out the same thing on repeat out to the street. And it was just like blaring out an advert for their own Bani Bury. On to the street. Yeah.

But equally, it was the first time I'd heard it. So it's like, well, I'm going to get some of this. Yeah, yeah. And then as I was waiting, it's like, okay, this is maddening. And then the second that I ate one, it's like, I'm staying here longer. Yeah, yeah. and ordering more.

And it's almost like, it then became almost meditative. Because you were connecting it with that taste. Yeah, yeah. Again and again, I was like the winter soldier. I think they've, they've,

were you jet like to love pranks? The idea of only doing one thing as a food vendor is very appealing to me. I think if someone does one thing, you're like, that's got to be good. Yeah. And if they're blaring an advert out for it over and over again,

You're like, that's double got to be good. Imagine if you've got them and they were rubbish. You're like, guys, what are you doing? What would be your one thing? If I was... If you're a food vendor with one thing. Oh, that's good. Something simple, I think.

Because I don't trust myself to cook anything too fancy. And also you want something that's good on the go. This is like that show about fairgrounds. Deep fried masters. Deep fried masters, yeah. You've got something that's good on the go. Yeah. But there may be like just a really good.

cheese toasty or something. Is that boring? Not if you're really good at it. I'm thinking about the scale as well. If it's like the best cheese toasty anyone's ever had, they're all going to, everyone's going to love it. I'm thinking about the margins.

My brain made... I literally thought you said something about the margarine. I didn't use a margarine. I was like, yeah, that's a bit of shit cheese toast. Can you remember what this place was called? The place on Ealing Road. Because everyone's going to want to know. It's Rickney, Banibury.

is the Great. Which, yeah, which I now recall, because I heard it 700 times. That is funny that you initially didn't recall it. Yeah.

I don't know what that place was cool. Yeah. Constantly. Are they building the entire Panipuri and then just giving you the tray of them? So they're putting in the water. You're not customising it yourself

or anything. They made a little train. Yeah, yeah. We're going to have to go there. Yeah. And you're doing them in one? I'm doing it in one, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That's the sort of food that makes me think of you. Yeah, because of the hand gesture. Yeah. James loves just throwing things in his mouth, one after another, walking down the street normally. So you can do that in Ealing. Yeah. I can't do it in Ealing.

Yeah, I love this sort of thing that. Like, it's something that you don't really get in the UK. And I suppose, like, different cities and places have it in different ways. Like your slice of pizza in New York, or is it Chiquetti or however it's pronounced in Venice and everything where you've just got like, You get like a thing and put it in a way And then it's done Yeah

Yeah But we don't really have that In London No I guess we don't No I'm trying to think of something Sausage roll Maybe I guess that's all this Keep in it

And thinking about stuff You can eat and walk around Sausage roll Yeah no you're right But that's not in and done is it That's a few bites you know There's the Colonel's popcorn chicken Yeah

I wouldn't necessarily say that's a London thing. We're going to have it in London. Yeah, we have it in London, yeah. We've got the Pani Puri in London as well, but we're not saying that it's British food. Kentucky fried chicken, man. That's lozzi, oh. That's the panny Puri sounds great, by the way.

And that's the one you want from there. That's why you want for your dream. Do you want, as you eat it, do you want the advert blaring into the drink restaurant as well? Actually, that would be very nice. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for it to become like a meditative hum in the background, it's the, it's the, it's the, it's the, it's the, it's the, it's the off-menu, dream meal. Ed and I, because Ed and I do adverts all the time on this podcast, we're very good at it.

If you like, we can record a special one for that, for that place. I think that we did, see if we can, see if we can find what it sounds like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we can replicate that. Yeah. We're really good at those. To us, to a certain extent we can replicate it. Yes. Depends, I'll do

everybody out here. If it gets them out of a jar. Your dream main course. I think that for the dream main course, I would really like a very, very well done Thai and have a bunch of different small portions of a bunch of different vegetarian carries, everything, have something a bit sweet,

like to have everything all at once, and be able to have a bunch of things, I think would be my favourite. But the style I think that I specifically want this in is that often when you go to like events, right, just like family events, like a lot of things being put on. It doesn't like, it could be a sad thing or a happy thing or whatever,

but a very common thing which you may have encountered is these like segmented plastic plates that are all like stacked on top of one another. Everyone, like, takes a, like, one of these plastic plates that has, like, and you just construct a tie for yourself out of all of these things. And sort of whether the event is sort of happy or sad or whatever it might be, I always associate, like, the specific image of that style of plate with, and everyone, like, for whatever reason, everyone I love is here. Yes. we're together and something's happening and we're all eating in this way

with like this really like thin napkin and a plastic spoon and our hands it's nice to associate that plate with family and all being together because I think most white people would associate that tray with prison first thing I thought of a prison tray

I've seen those in orange as a new black yeah To be fair, they're with everyone they love, they all really get on, they know, and it looks really nice in prison. Some of them really get on.

Yeah. They really get on well. So, it's quite nice. Yeah. I really realize, as I move through this, I really realize that increasingly what I'm going to be describing

is a meal I could have on any given day. Yeah. In a style you associate with being locked up. Yeah. And it's like, so it's on the one hand something I have complete freedom to do. And on the other, the most total restriction of freedom imaginable.

Yeah, for us. Yeah, for us. No, this sounds great, though, so I think you should take us through. How many segments are there normally on the trade, would you say? There are a variety of styles for this. It's not such a, they're not provided by Serco. There's not a tremendous markup. A PFI contract does not mean that we are paying £12 per segmentic plastic plate to this day because it was kept off book in 2003.

It's all going to be all right. But there'll be maybe like H. Let's call it eight. Oh, that's good. Here's my question. Do you ever get to the point where you're like, I wish there was one segment that was way bigger because there's one thing you like more of and you're putting it in the segment. you're like, oh, no, I'm going to have to breach out. You can keep stuff coming, though.

I'm going to have to go double segment. Sure. Yeah. He wouldn't like that. I'm stressing out about it. Ed wouldn't like that. Ed wouldn't like going double seg. He'd want a different thing in every... Is there a bigger segment for like, for rice?

Yes. Yes, there is. So I'm going to use that for my favorite curry. Yeah. It's happy now. And I'm going to use a small... I'm going to use a small segment for rice. His whole demeanors change.

He's really happy now that he's realizing you can do that. Again, and this is the freedom that you have. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but what if the prison guard sees it? What if pawnstash sees it? Take us through what's going in? Yeah, so probably, well, you would have some sort of bread,

be that like Rodley or Chapati or burry. In this instance, I would probably want to bury. You would have your rice you might sort of add to stuff at the end to sort of help you mop stuff up, but you'd have something for Nal. And Godratida tends to be, like, it's not like, you know, like the thick machinida and stuff that you get like,

you know, your classic Dishu and black d'an, which is very sort of like thick and rich and buttery. And absolutely delicious. Yeah, like I'm trying to make it at home, felt miserably, very upset. Yeah, it's insane that, though. Yeah. It takes five months.

Yeah. You'll get there in the end. Every day. But so the good drop, it tends to be a bit like a bit thinner as more like a soup. Right. Then you might have maybe some curdie, which is like a soup that you make with yogurt, gram flour, sort of cumin, ginger, garlic, chili, water, everything. There's sort of like a yogti soup as well.

Might have a few curries made with different vegetables. So, like, what I really love about this is that basically because, it's all based on spice mixes and the way that you're doing things on that end, then the ingredient that you then put in to carry that can matter, and you're doing different things for different reasons, and you don't necessarily use exactly the same spice blend for anything. But it makes it a bit like, oh, what have I got around? All right, well, I can make that all of a sudden delicious.

Oh, all I've got is a tin of butter beans in the house. Well, that can be delicious in 15 minutes. Yeah, nice. It's hot oil, asphitia, turmeric, some sort of whole spice, that bit later in the thing, you might have chili powder, coriander powder, cumin powder. And just the way that you can build and layer things and make meals that are incredibly cheap and feed like a large number of people for not very much money,

which is, yeah, the sort of stuff that you grab eating. And I think that that's such a lovely thing. Yeah, as long as you've got the basic sort of building blocks for it, you can add whatever you like into it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm really hungry now.

You put that out there. Would you like this to be a particular, for your main course, and you're having these plates, and you're having all these different things? Would you like it to be a certain specific family occasion? Good question. I would like... Proud of yourself, aren't you? Yeah.

So we used to have these things when I was a kid, where occasionally my dad, was mates with like a few musicians and stuff in India. And when they would come over to the UK and they needed somewhere to stay, like they were performing a show in the UK, but they needed somewhere to say. And there was sort of this deal that was worked at where the musician would stay at our family home

and then as like a thanks for being able to stay with us while they were doing that show would put on like a really small concert in the living room. Oh nice. Just and like family and family and. friends would come around. Yeah. And so you'd have guy with the harmonium, guy with the doubler in the living room, playing

this like really, really beautiful music. And these concerts that would tend to be like almost discursive, right? Like there would be a piece of music and then pausing the guy would just be like twiddling around on the harmonium but recite a bit of poetry while doing that. Yeah. And everyone's just there like eating out of these plates, this lovely food and listening to this music. everything. So we're also building a soundscape

for the dream restaurant. We've had a Reckney Baniburi 7 million times and then that transitions into gentle harmony. Does it need to transition because maybe the guy on the harmonium could be doing a version of the Reckney Barthew song. I want there to be like a button like you know how on like fire in the booth

Charlie Sloth will press a button and it'll just do the big bo bo boo! Yeah. Everything. Perfect. Yeah. So I want The harmonium's going, the doubler's going, there's sort of singing, there's poetry, everything, and every so often, Charlie Sloth is pressing a button

that makes the speakers Blair, Reckney Pani Burry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love that. Have you ever stayed at someone's house as a comedian? Just stayed over because you had a gig and then you stayed over at their house? Yeah, but I've not then, like, done a gig in their living room. Yeah, that was my next question.

Dream side dish then. Now, before we started the podcast, You said that on the way here, you remembered, oh shit, I've got to do a side dish as well. So I can see why you would think that, because you've got so many components on this main course and this plate. Choosing the side is a bit tricky. Yeah.

Well, so that's why this is going entirely different, and it's cheesy garlic bread from Pizza Hut. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. What country's the pizza hitting? I love the sharp left turn. And the thing is, people would look at that and go, why are you doing that?

that's madness, but I think that works. I think it'd be delicious with the main course. And it's because I remembered when I was walking here of like, so the only sort of other restaurants that we have, like we would go to like Sagoni's once a year on Ealing Road or whatever, and the other one would be maybe you would go to Pizza Hut on Wembley Highway. Yeah, yeah. And this was to place it in time,

so I remember the first experience that I'd have a restaurant and someone asking whether you wanted the smoking area or the non-smoking area, right? Just like, just every element of it was aggressively 90s. It's like, we're eating pizza hut on a high road and I'm giving cancer to a child. I do not care.

That's going. And we would sit in there, non-smoking area, because... But that never made a difference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you could be in a chair. You know how gay. ass wax wax.

I always think about Lee Evans for that. Lee, Evans did a whole thing about, how does the smoke know? Yeah, yeah, that's funny. And then we'd do an act out of the smoke

going across this, and moving his whole body really fluidly, and then go, oh no, we're not allowed. And I do that mime kind of thing of like, yeah,

and then move along. He's fucking good. Yeah. I remember, like, you know how when you're a child and you don't really have any concept of how money works. Sure.

And at the time, maybe it was two pounds, the cheesy garlic bread at Pizza Hut. Now it's probably about 455 pounds, something like that. Forty-eight pounds. Yeah. Who's doing any of this without a voucher? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. But when you're in the restaurant, and it is a restaurant, right? It's a restaurant.

Yeah. And I really remember thinking when I was a child, once thinking, if I had a really amazing job one day, like really... How old are you? I'm like, 10. Yeah, yeah, great. If I'd have any amazing job a day.

If I, when I was growing up, I had like an amazing, like, incredibly well-paid job, I could have specifically a portion of cheesy garlic bread from Pizza Hut every day if I wanted to. Yeah. And it was like those things of... when you're a kid and you're like, and sometimes you can't get an ice cream from the ice cream van. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, when I'm a grown-up,

every time I see an ice cream van, I'm going to get an ice cream. And then obviously you don't. Obviously you don't. Right. But, like, the realization occasionally, when you walk past one and you're like, I could do this.

Yeah, yeah. I could do it. No one, no one can tell me, no one can tell me, apart from a strong genetic history of diabetes, that I cannot or must not do this. That's what I'm going to do it. Would I like some syrup?

Yes. Yeah, that is good. That's good stuff, man. It's next level. Yeah. What is that cheese? It's not cheese. It's some sort of pizza hut mix, some sort of, like, branded pizza hut mix.

It's good stuff. You get it, when you get it on delivering, it comes in the little box, and it's all greasy on the bottom. What, like a special little garlic bed box? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a small pizza box. Don't act like you don't know. Yeah. I've not had pizza hut in years.

I think I'm going to get Pizza Hut. Yeah, I can tell you going to get Pizza Hut. Yeah. I think you're going to get Pizza Hut tonight? I'm in Dartford tonight. When's the last time you had a PHB? Pizza Hut Buffet. Oh, God.

It'll be 20 years, I think. It's never too late to go back. Just when you thought you were out, they'd pull you back in. Probably back in the Five Sixth in the Mouth Day. Days back then. Yeah, I got those from a cigarette buffet. They always used to go hard. No prizes for guessing what my favorite part of the...

A pizza that was? Ice cream factory. Yeah. Easy. And that was when I was at the age where I realized I could do whatever. You know, late teens. I'm going there with my mates now.

Yeah. I can have that whatever I like. I can make as many trips as I want. Did that? Nearly ended my life. Dream drink. So is it, well, I suppose the thing is like, is this something that I have to drink throughout the meal?

That changes the situation. It's up to you. We've had people choose multiple drinks in the past. and have like drinks that have throughout the meal, drinks that they have for each course, or just one drink that is their dream drink. What? You're cool.

I think that at the, so at the beginning, I think of this because this is, so three years ago today in the afternoon, I went to a bar at, there's a hotel in St. James's called Dukes, very like Swish Place. And they have a bar there that they sell gin,

They're very known for the gin martinis. And what the guy does, it's like, this guy comes around with, like, a bar cart that looks like 200 years old. He puts, like, a drop of vermuth in it and then, like, chucks away the vermuth like it insulted his mother. Puts it back on, then puts, like, what I would, perhaps like a tsunami of gin into the thing. And then, like, a cursory twist of a lemon. Yeah. And then you get that. And it's amazing.

Yes, we've had people talk about this. before and we always plan on going we've still never been. Joe Quinn said we'd go together and he lied. Florence Pugh said we'd go together and she lied. Yeah, but to be fair, when she said it to us we went, you're lying. If there was any chance that Florence Bue took us for

a cocktail, that was it gone. Yeah, we weren't. When we immediately went, you're lying, Pew. You're a liar. Well, I accept that unfortunately, others have raised this I think we're more likely to go with you. You're more likely to go with me. More direct access.

The reason that I would like to do this is that, yeah, late afternoon, three years ago, today, I went for that martini with a woman who I'd been going out for five weeks at that stage, and a few hours later we were engaged, and we've now been married for a year. Maybe we shouldn't go. Yeah. So, it's a drink with a one of, I've not been since.

It's a strong drink. It's a drink with a one. A wonderful memory of a wonderful day, and you're like, something, you have this drink, and you're like, something amazing might happen. Yes. And then it did. Yeah. And I had to tell that story because it was the only way to get her out of the jar.

She's currently trapped. Let's remember how you know. Now, this is a place you're only allowed to buy two as well. Yeah. Well, I don't know whether it's a hard and fast rule that you're only allowed to buy two, but you definitely can't have more than two. Yeah, yeah. Because of the whole death.

Yeah, because you will die. Yeah. But will it be as good as I imagine it? Because it's still up there with my things I think about quite a lot. Yes. We tried to go for your birthday once. We did. So it was, but I didn't know that.

So it was a surprise. My girlfriend had sorted it out. And she said, but she told me like, you know, tonight we're going to go to Dukes. And in my head, I was like, oh, man, I meant to be going to Dukes with Ed. I'd like, oh. You've got to lay the law down. I might be in trouble here, but whatever. He won't find out.

He won't find out. But I didn't know that she had secretly organized. that Ed and Nish and people would be coming. But it turned out on the way there, you guys had gone already to Dukes. We tried to go ahead and get, because you can't book or anything. So they'd said, no, you can't come.

It's fully booked. So then you guys had found another place. The Kono. The Kno. But you were there. But I still didn't realize what was going on. So we went to the Koneort, but I was thinking,

this is Dukes in my head because I've been told we'd go to Jukes. So we'd go into the Konaught. So I think I'm in Jukes. I see Ed and Nish and like, fuck, we got to hide. I'm supposed to go to the Jukes with Ed. He's going to fucking see us.

We've got to get the fuck out of here. It's the fucking worst thing that's going to have happened. It's just like, they are here for you. Also, it is your birthday. Also, in your head, why would you not be annoyed with me for going to Jukes without you? You thought I was in Jukes. Oh, you need to think I didn't prep that.

If he has a go with me, I'm going to go, will you fucking hear about me? You're here with Nish. Anyway, I think we drank seven. martinis? Yes. That's too many. That's too, yeah.

It's the only time where we've tried to order more and the waitress has gone, you've been here for ages. That's what she said. You've been here for ages. But they brought olives and little crispy snacks with every round. We ate too many olives.

Yeah, well, we all had too many olives. Some of us saw them the next day, I'll put it that way. Yeah, I'll saw my partner's olives the next day. If you're part of the expression. But that's a lovely story, though. That's a lovely, a lovely memory for you. Do you go back there?

Are you going to go back there for, like, anniversaries and things like that? Yeah, I think that we should, our anniversary was on a Monday. This, it seemed like a catastrophic idea. Come on, man, you're a comedian. That's all right. She's a civil servant. Yeah, but she's just, bring her along for the ride. Civil servants are drinking in the week, surely.

Yeah. How will the business of government, she's in the office right now? It's taking the government's insistences to heart. So you want that at the beginning? I like that at the beginning. And then fair play to, like, I got a lot of time for it. And I know that it's extraordinarily difficult in the restaurant business to make money when you're not, like, being able to upsell booze in quite a big way.

And so I know that with a lot of, I think it's really cool that there are, more sort of quite quite like high-end Indian restaurants now like JKS have done amazing stuff with that and you just feel as though like I get why they want to push like really swish wine with that sort of because you've got to make money right but in my opinion

it doesn't really go together sure so well and if that's the sort of food that I'm having like if it were a different meal then I'd have some nice wine but with this sort of meal it doesn't really make sense So I would like properly thick mango lassi I think that the best one I've ever had

was in a restaurant in Manchester with I was with our friend Piano Valley and it was like so thick that we basically had to eat it with spoons and it was brilliant and I'm really gutted because I can't remember the name of that restaurant

I was many years ago now but there are other places that do great ones if you're in the north of England there's a small chain called Bundabust, which you may well have been to this in, I think, like, Manchester, Liverpool

Leeds now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go there, like, anytime I'm in one of those cities. It's all veggie as well, isn't it? All veggie, yeah, yeah. And it's, yeah, like, Gujarati street food, largely.

And it's really, really, like, high quality stuff, and just enjoyable, and they're more like, this goes well with pints. We're going to have a bunch of heights that this might go well with. But whenever I'm there,

because I tend to go before shows or whatever, get a big old, big old mango lussey. Nice. It's all wonderful. Great. So that's your dream drink, the lussey. But at the start, you've got the martini. Great.

Brilliant. Lovely. That's good because the martini's like a bit of rocket fuel at the start of the meal. But then you're not like getting smashed throughout the whole thing. You're bringing yourself back with the lussey. Yeah. It's like, you know, you're starting out.

You've got a hyperbolic. A bally boozy gin martini. You're eating an infinity of Bani Bury, some of which have sparkling water in there. There's a sort of thumping baseline of the reckoning bani Bari mix going on in the background. You're feeling like you're going crazy.

Like, this is it for you. Then everything just chills out with your segmented plastic plate and your... Do you? Pierre to join you for the Lassie? I think, yes, I would like to make Pia there with the Lassie. Yeah. It'll bring the spoons.

Yeah. We arrive at your dream dessert. What we're talking? Well, so quite often there would have been, like with the main, or go around, there would have been a bit of a sweet with that. Right. Right. So quite often with your, you know, your shark, so with your curries and the bread,

and the, you'd also have something sweet. So you've got, like, there's rust, like a mango pulp that you'd. often have had... Is that going in one of the segments? Yeah, so you could have that along with. Or you might have gore, which I think is called Jaggery, it's like sugar cane, stuff that you occasionally have.

And then loads of other things that people might know if you've ever been to a shop like Umbala or whatever. You might have seen like, you know, Rasmalai, Jalebi, Gulab Jamban, these things like all... The diabetics forbidding Indian cabinet. I stare through, press my nose up against the glass, have a look at all those things.

Yeah. And, you know, then you see sort of older generations of your family wondering why these diagnoses have happened to them. Absolutely funnel this stuff. Every year on the Radio X show that I do with Matthew Crosby, our producer Vin brings in like a selection of Indian sweets once a year. And I try them on air. And I'm like, right, that's enough for me, just little bites. Matthew then takes all of the rest of them home and eats them on the way home.

and we get text from him that don't make sense. Like he is high as hell. He's going mad. What he used to drive back from the studio? We used to worry about him because he put them on the car seat. And he'd be driving back just like popping all sweet in his mouth, just like fucking buzzing off his head. So sweet.

Yeah, yeah. I remember the first time I had those as a kid and just being like, I'm in heaven. This is the best. I'm converting. We went and had him, I think, at a mosque. And I was like, this is the best fucking thing in the world. I go ahead and tell my parents I'm not a Christian anymore.

Great. But I feel as though that's almost like, it's a bit cheating, right, to say that as part of the main course, you've got a nice sweet thing on the side. And so I was like, right, well, I've got to come up with dessert. And I'm almost literally having my cake and eating it in this situation, right? So I've got to come up. Also, like, it's part of the thing, right? It's like traditionally what you would get.

And also, even if it's not, you can just make up anything. think and say it's a tradition. We'll just have to go, oh, how wonderful. Yeah, there's this bit at the end where at the end of each meal, like two white guys each give you 20 quits. Oh, that's such a wonderful tradition. You could have made up any thicker of money. You've got up with 40 quid.

So I was like, right, there should be something different and not just sort of in keeping with all of the rest of. the meal for dessert, and it would be ideally something that would make at least one of you furious. Your face did something absolutely fascinating then. I think, and it is not conventionally thought of as a dessert, but we're quite near there at the moment. At Jose on Bermondi Street in South London, fantastic restaurant. Very much recommend the tortilla in particular is my favorite thing that they do there. good. We had a nice meal there, didn't me?

Okay, happen you. And it's not a dessert, but if you order it, it will come last. They do fried goats cheese with honey. Oh, yes. Okay. Are you all right with that? I think you're right with that. Because I think I tried some of that, and it is very sweet and delicious. Yeah. And I would

say, does work as a dessert. Yeah. So I feel okay about that. And it works for me as a cheeseboard as well. I think you might have found the perfect. Somehow is this. That's all we needed. bringing people together. Yeah, yeah.

Because that's such a good choice. I'm really taking centriism to a whole new level. Yeah, and that honey is so good as well, like proper nice honey. It's amazing. And because like, well, one of the things that you have, if you're getting any sort of meal that's just like little bits, right, then you're like, oh, well, I've had all of these things, but I'm not particularly full. Yeah.

And you feel. And then this goat's cheese is put in front of you. And if it's to say it's just two of you there, and you have half of it each, and then all of a sudden you go from, well, I could have had like four more things to if anyone is to suggest that I eat in the next 24 hours, I'm going to explode. Yeah. Yeah. It's a definitive end to the meal. Yeah. Yeah. And you're just eating that with a spoon. You're not dipping anything in it. There's nothing. You're just eating that like a yogurt. No, so I mean, it's got this like, and it's, I can't really describe. the texture. I wish I was like...

Depends what sort of goat's cheese it is, I guess. Well, there's like, there's a softness to, I would say, like the maple, but then because it's fried, like the outer edges become crispy as a result. So you've got this real softness and warmth with the real crispiness

and the sweetness of the honey. And it's really, yeah, it's really remarkable. I want it. Yeah, it's hard to be angry about it because I know that it's delicious. I know that I would love it. I mean, personally, I'd like it as a bridge from the main course to the dessert. Yes, I thought you'd say that.

And it has a dessert after this. That would be my favourite way of doing this. But it is so good that I can't, I can't go, oh, I've got to get angry because it's cheese for the dessert. Because, like. There's honey. And honey's like the sweetest thing on the planet. Yeah.

It's the original sweet thing. Yeah. Shout out bees. And read your menu back to your Nelsia, you feel about it. You were like spark in water. You were like, Puppet. 50, 50, raw and roasted. over a fire. Start a panipuri from

erecti panipuri. Main course veggie. Tali. Side dish. Pizza hurt, cheesy garlic bread. Drink. Gin martini from Jukes at the top of the meal. Fick mango lussie with Piano Valley with his spoons later on. Also, I've missed out so many details here. You've got the

band playing in the room. You've got the specific plates. You got the advert playing. You got Charlie Slough. Dessert. Fried goat's cheese with honey from Jose. Delicious. sounds great. That's a really delicious meal, I think. Is there any particular bit in that, it makes you feel? I think that what I feel especially happy about with this is that

with the possible exception of the presence of Charlie Slath, I think I could make all of this happen. Yeah. Charlie's not going to do it. Yeah. Just be like, email him just being like, Charlie, there's only one thing standing between me and my dream. I'll even make the custom button. Yeah. And sound effect. When, so all of that is there, what are you most annoyed if the monkey comes and steals one day of it at the last of the monkey?

What are you most annoyed if the monkey takes? No, I would like, given that the monkey caused so many problems at the beginning of a meal in 1955, I would like in the present day for at the end, everyone's plates and glasses and everything to be cleared away by the monkey. Yes. By the way, this monkey is still alive. This monkey is a way. It hasn't had a aged day.

Yeah. I like to imagine the monkey is a really old man. Very whizzy. He's time to reflect. Yeah. And yeah. So that monkey at the end. And somehow he's moved from Nakhore in Godra to London.

Yeah. In the intervening time. But yeah, he jumps in through the air. through the open window at the end of the meal and tidies everything away. Oh, yeah. I'm imagining that he's got like, like chippendales, like a collar and a bowtie.

Yeah. But he's really old, so he's got tidy little reading glasses. No, he's got a little medal that says Northern Ireland washing up. Because he's been robbing you. Oh, I'm happy that monkey comes back to hell. Yeah, I'm really happy the monkey came back to hell. Yeah, good on it.

Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant. My pleasure. Thank you for having me. Well, there we are, James. A wonderful episode with our hair, Shah. Forgot that Arhe is a vegetarian, so therefore we was never going to choose burnt ends.

Wasn't going to choose burnt ends. No. So we didn't have to kick him out. That was nice. He could have said, oh, I love these obergene burnt ends. What would he have said to that? Oh, well, that would have been,

we would have had to kick him out. Vegetable style burn ends. We didn't say beef burnt ends. No, we didn't. We said burnt ends. So, yeah. But it didn't happen. The popperums might have been burnt on the end if you're doing them over a fire.

Oh, we should have kicked them out. Anything that's burnt on the end. We're harsh. Delicious menu. I'd like to eat pretty much all of that, I think. Yeah, so. Really good. I mean, it's wrong that the main thing I've taken away from that is I really want to

eat some pizza, garlic bread with cheese, isn't it? Yeah, that is pretty wrong. But I think the main thing you've taken away from it is the monkey. Oh, yeah, the monkey, yeah. You love the monkey. I want to meet the monkey. Yeah, yeah. I liked what you did the monkey impression.

You did the kind of... Have you seen Chimp Crazy yet? No, what's that? Man. It's a documentary series. It's from the makers of Tiger King. It's about a lady who's obsessed with monkeys. Yeah, that sounds good.

It's brilliant. I was documentary about the Zodiac Killer the other day. It's great. Yeah, yeah, really good. Definitely know who did it. Ends is also available to stream on Netflix now. There is no excuse for you to not watch this show. Zero excuse.

Yes. Well, thank you very much. I'm starving now. I'm absolutely famished. Goodbye. Bye. Hey, I'm Alison Spittal. And I'm Fern Brady, and you might remember us both from our episodes of Off Menu. I think in my episode, I got very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant and was presented with hot bread.

And then told that that was the nature of sourdough, that it simply doesn't toast as a bread. And I said that I take it in the hand and a mouth, like communion. Did you? I did. That kind of brings us on to the table. topic of our new podcast. Ignore that feeling, a show by two ex-Catholic girls who have

never learned to acknowledge a single emotion ever. And the podcast is out every Tuesday, starting Tuesday the 10th of February. So please listen and subscribe.