Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Amy Matthews

Episode Date: March 4, 2026

Superb stand-up, writer and podcaster Amy Matthews has a table booked this week. But does the Dream Restaurant have the perfect amount of twinkle?Amy Matthews is at the Edinburgh Fringe and on tour with her new show ‘Definitions of Toast’. Dates and tickets info here. Watch Amy’s special ‘I Feel Like I’m Made of Spiders’ on ITVX.Buy Amy’s vinyl ‘Commute With The Foxes’ on Monkey Barrel Records.Follow Amy on Instagram @amyfmatthewsWatch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Thu 5 Mar.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's James Acaster. I have an announcement to make. Cinema Goers Welcome is out on March 6th in cinemas nationwide. It's my heckler's welcome show, but filmed in three different locations, Truro, Dublin and Northampton. And it's all stuff that wasn't part of the actual Heckler's Welcome special. Some of it's the same material, but in a different location going differently, being heckled differently under different circumstances. So there's the special that is on HBO and Sky. And there is this cinema goers welcome companion piece. Anyway, March 6th, cinema goers welcome in cinemas.

Enjoy the podcast, Off Menu. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the cream of conversation, adding the smashed up meringue of humour, the raspberries of friendship, mixing them all up in the big bowl of the internet, and you've got yourselves an Eden mess podcast. That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Ake. So together we own a dream restaurant every single week.

We invite a gas. We invite a gas. We invite in a gask every week. And we ask them the favour ever start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is. Gask. Amy Matthews.

Amy Matthews. By the way, I've definitely done Eton Mess before as an intro. I don't want to pick you up on it, man, because like, do you know what? They'll be on you enough across all social platforms. I don't want to add to your worries. What's your problem, Benita? For the listener,

Ed was fiddling with his mic stand to the point where Benito gave him evils to want to get him to stop and while he was giving Benito sass for it he leant back on his chair and his chair tried to do a bucking bronco on him and send him into the ceiling and startled him

gave him quite a fright. Yeah, yeah, I'm sleepy today man but I feel wired, you know, when you're sleepy and wired. Yeah, well, and rightly so, Ed, because we've got a cork of an episode coming up so you should feel wired. Yes, Amy Matthews is a brilliant comedian, very much sticking forward speaking to her

about her dream menu. Such an order to have Amy on the pod. Mm-hmm. But listen, Amy, if you choose the secret ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable, you will be kicked out of the dream restaurant. And this week, the secret ingredient is Bernard Matthews's Turkey Dinosaurs.

Matthews. Amy's surname is Matthews. Yes. Bernard Matthews's surname is Matthews. Turkey Dinosaurs is their signature dish, his signature dish. Yes. The original Bernard Matthews.

Yes. His signature dish. It's what he used to make when people came to visit him, Bernard Matthews. He would get a turkey, carve it up completely, carve him into dinosaur shapes, cover them and breadcrumbs, put him in the oven, and they said, Bernard, you've got to sell these. I think how he actually did it was he got like a dinosaur cookie cutter. Yeah. And just rammed it straight into a live turkey.

Oh, just got it out that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the turkey's just running around with like a triceratops hole in its side. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Bernard Matthews. It's too much, man. But that's the thing. I mean, you know, you don't build an empire like that without being a visionary. Yeah.

So congratulations to him. They should make a succession-style show for HBO about Bernard Matthews. Who wants to inherit the Bernard Matthews empire? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that would be good, actually. Would be good. Yeah, I mean, people would get quite, you know, there'd be a lot of symbolism there with the dinosaurs, of turkeys as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Both those things can have double meanings. Yeah. talking about the industry. That's good. Maybe Amy Matthews could be in it. Yes, Amy Matthews could be in it. Get Jesse Armstrong to write it. Obviously.

Yeah, yeah. I just give it to Sam Bain. Oh yeah. The other one. Yeah, because that'd be fun. Go like, look, we're putting your head to head now. Yeah. You've got to go, you're right.

It's still got to be like succession. Yeah. But it's the bird of Matthews Empire and you've got to write it. I don't think, but I don't think Bain's agreeing to that man. No, well, he knows that we've hobbled him from the start. Yeah. Very successful man, Sam Bain. He's not going to.

deliberately write another version of succession about the Bird of Matthews Turkey Dinosaur Empire go head to head with his friend and writing colleague. Sam, if you're listening, man. The challenge has been extended. And the challenge is extended to Amy Matthews this week

to tell us her dream meal. This is the off-mania menu of Amy Matthews. Welcome Amy to the dream restaurant. Hello. Welcome Amy Matthews to the dream restaurant, but it's supposed to you for some time. Wowie. It's so nice to be here.

Wow, wee. Wow, we sounded a bit sarcastic. No, I have a really naturally sarcastic tone of voice and it's got me into trouble. Yeah, I don't like it. But here we are. When was the last time it got you into trouble? Six seconds ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we called you out to saying, wow, we. Yeah. What's the one with wow wee? No, I think it was the tone. I think it was the tone rather than the word. Because you saw a genie and you went, wow wee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if you actually found a magic lamp and rubbed it and the genie came out and you said, wow, wee, the genie would go back into the lamp. Do you think? Yeah. Go, what the point of that? Yeah. Well, how did that make you feel, a genie?

I mean, I'm quite used to it from guests. I mean, actually, it's nicer to get wow wee, even if it's sarcastic. Yeah, just apathy. You know, ignore it. We get a lot of people who aren't comedians who don't know me, who I do that. I just look at him going, can you ask me a question, please? Yeah. Can we move on from whatever that guy?

So it's quite nice to get well. Because sometimes you'll spit as well when he does it. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then they're just like, that guy's gross. Yeah,

gross guy. Have you ever, like, met a celebrity and felt like they think you're gross? Honestly, thought you were going to say, have you ever met a genie? Have I ever met... We have asked people that before, to be honest.

Have I ever met a celebrity and thought they were gross? And they thought you were gross. I've had a lot on here. Have you? Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't think you're gross. I think you're weird like a little alien man.

Oh yeah, sorry. That's great. That's what you want. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Have I, has anyone ever thought, I was gross? Are you now going back through every interaction

you ever have been a famous person? I really am. And there's some weird and wonderful ones have come to mind. My favourite celebrity interaction actually was I was about 14. I was in London and I said, apropos of nothing. Oh, I really like, what's the guy's name who? Was the guy's name?

Is this part? It's the full. What was the guy's name who plays the dad in my family? Robert Lindsay. Robert Lindsay. I went, I just really like Robert Lindsay. And I turned around and he walked across the road. Wow.

Like, that's it. He's a genie. Yeah. Robert Lindsay's a genie. Honestly. Was he walking across the road towards you? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was extraordinary. He's like Candyman. Absolutely. Yeah. It was nuts. So I don't know if he thought I was gross, but he might have thought it was magic. My friend sent me a photo. with Robert Lindsay last week

holding a big feather. He was talking to him. Right. Yeah, we're doing like his book launch or something and Robert Lindsay was, you know, waiting for the punters to arrive. We were just sitting talking. And a big, like, prop quill that was humongous.

I was just talking to my friend and Pat Tim and sent it to me. This is funny. Do we know why he was using the quill? I don't know. I think it was some like... Was it a book signing or something? A prop for, yeah, maybe.

Yeah, not a book signing in the past. I think it was... It's a bit of fun. And those things you get boring, why not being a big quill? I've got a quill. I think it was just talking on stage about writing his book and what it did it to be like, this would be funny if I've got a big, big old feather.

Oh, that's nice. That's lovely. More Robert Lindsay chat in this podcast than I thought that was going to be. We normally do a bit at the top. It might be cut out because it's sort of like our warm up. He always cuts it out. Yeah. He always cuts out the Robert Lindsay stuff. It's very disappointing.

Chris Marshall from my family. Yeah. I remember just thinking he was the funniest person. He was great in that show. used to love my family when I was a kid and I used to write episodes of my family in a little notebook in crayon

That's incredible Speck scripts for my family Do you remember any of them? Remember what the storylines were? There was one where God this is a deep dive There was one where Ben and Susan were in bed Reading as they do

You don't have to remind me which ones Ben and Susan Are they the mum and dad? The mum and dad yeah And Robert Lindsay and so I want to make her. And they were in bed and they were, Robert Lindsay, Ben, was trying to, which was going to try it on with his wife. Yeah, yeah. And then... How old are you, will you write this and cry on?

Do you use the phrase try it on? Yeah. When they're married in bed and reading? Have you seen 2,000 sitcoms? He's trying it on with me. That's like the whole thing. The husband wants a bit. Yeah.

And she just wants to read. But I think it's the phrase trying it on. trying it on. To me, suggests it's going to be the first time. Yeah, okay, fair enough. Rather than, yeah.

And she just wanted to read, and then when she finally goes, oh, go on then. Nick, the, Uji, what's it? Chris Marshall,

comes out from under the bed, and he's like, hi, Mom and Dad, and it scuppered, it scuppered the moment. And that was your spec script? That was my spec script.

It's good stuff. That would absolutely play perfectly in an episode of my family. Why is the end of the bed? It's funny. That's funny. Why's funny? Why would he be under the bed? He's a weird character. I think he was knitting as well actually.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It just said below. Hi, mum and dad. I'm knitting. Yeah. Eat much of a foodie, Amy? You bought a lovely cookie. What was it? A cookie dough quasson with you. It was a crookie, apparently. It was a little like muffin-shaped thing made of croissant, filled with chocolate cookie dough. Yeah.

How was it? Really good. Great. Was it? We had a little slice each. A little pie. Delicious. That's so nice. I love food. I love food so much, like so much.

Good. Have you always felt this way? Yes. Yeah, I have. I really really love food. I think food's really important. I think it's a language as well, you know? It's a language.

I genuinely really love food. I was, it's so, I realised the other day as well, because I was helping someone with a eulogy, bear with. Wow. Writing it in crayon in your book? Try it in crayon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. people talk about food in eulogies so often. You know, like, oh, she used to make this thing for me.

Or like, you know, it's like a huge thing. And yeah, I just absolutely love, I love food so much. And I think you could be remembered for your food. I'm just going to, this is quite a dark question. But when you die, what food do you think someone will write about in your eulogy? Oh, okay. I made a really, really criminal sandwich. A criminal sandwich?

On Boxing Day, I made a white bread sandwich that had cranberry sauce and mashed potato in it. Wow. And it's criminal good? You tell me. Well. It's breaking rules. It's breaking so many rules.

But is that all it had in it? And a crisp. That's even more criminal. That's triple carbs. Yeah. Because it needed a bit of texture. You can't be having sauce, mash, and like the kind of wet sandwich. White bread you could damn a river with.

You know, they're really, yeah. I'd worry that crisp wouldn't really add that much crunch because it's just, I mean, like, one crisp. I think a big one. One big crisp. You know the one big crisp in a packet? Yeah, where if you're a kid, I mean, I would. I hope everyone else would.

When you're a kid, you find that, or you find a big chip, and you go, it's the biggest crisp in the world. That's what we used to say. Did you? Yeah, if I found a big crisp, I would say, to my friend, I found the biggest crisp in the world. Good. Does that know what you guys did?

Yeah, probably. Maybe. Well, I definitely show it to my mates. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that was like, you're just eating it silently and not sharing it with people. Yeah. Like, you do have to say, look at this, how big this crisp is.

I don't think I'd always say it's the biggest crisp in the world. No, that's, yeah. It's a big statement out of the gates. But I, yeah, maybe they'd mention that. That was quite bad. Yeah. Yeah, I think they would mention it. So other people saw you eating this.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think that's prime. Would you feel good about that, knowing that in your eulogy is someone talking about your mashed potato sandwich with a big crisp in it?

Yeah, I think so. That would be fine. That would be all right, wouldn't it? It could be worse. Yeah, it could be. What would be in your eulogy? Food-wise? Yeah.

Oh, so much. I think it would all be things. I mean, that's all for you. Because we do this. Yeah. If anything, I'd wish to rather they missed that. Miss that out. I don't want to be reduced to this.

That's depressed me. Yeah. That's depressed me. Thinking that when I die, if someone does a eulogy, and look, I've had a great time on this podcast, and God knows financially I've benefited, but... Are you stepping down, James?

If someone gets up and says, does the thought right now of someone get up and going, of course, he co-hosted the Off-Menu podcast when I'm fucking dead, makes me absolutely... What is going to happen, mate? It's so depressing. I don't think anyone's going to say that.

I think what Amy's asking is what foods will be mentioned, like personal foods, like, but then that's fine. I lean into it. I love it. Because we do this, they're going to say loads of stuff about, oh, they get talked about this food on the off menu podcast.

Oh, fucking hell. I'm going to request it. What would you rather be remembered for, what you think? I want to leave a leg of lamb on top of the coffin as it goes into the... What would you rather be remembered for?

Sweet Home Kettering. Sweethe Home Keteringa. Number one. So we have to take the finger. Still a sparkling more to Amy. Oh, sparkling. Definitely. But a fine moose.

Oh, lovely. Very rare that people bring the moose. A fine moose. Yeah. Very important. I hate it when the bubbles feel like marbles. I want it to feel like fuzzy felt. This is good.

Fuzzy felt in the mouth. James. What? You worried? A fine moose. Yeah. Yeah. What are we talking about?

A fine moot. So in anything sparkling, if the bubbles are very small but plentiful, it's a fine moose. If you've got big bubbles and fewer of them, that's like a coarse moose. What the, well, how does this never come up before?

I don't know, I've never said this on the podcast before. It's a pretty fancy thing to say. Is it? Yeah. When you said a fine moose, I thought, are we skipping straight to dessert? Like, I don't,

what the fuck is going on? No, no, no, no. Like, yeah, fine moose is. sparkle. People say that about champagne a lot. That's like a champagne tasting though. Wow. How's it spelled? Like moose. Because it's

from the same, it's the same phenomenon. It's the bubbleness. Because moose, like chocolate moose is bubbles, isn't it? You blow my mind here. Yeah. It is like bubbles. Yeah. So a chocolate A chocolate moose is a thick moose. Yes. Well, it can be. What do you mean?

Well, you can. It depends on the chocolate moose, isn't it? But I think no matter how, I mean... No, there's chocolate mooses with bigger bubbles. Yeah. Because some chocolate mooses are barely moosey because the bubbles are so small, right? Some moose have a finer moose than others. But it's so thick. But the moose you get from like a supermarket, that's a chunky moose.

Yeah. Moose now is stop feeling like a word, isn't it? Yeah. But yeah, that's it. You can... The bubble... Okay, would you prefer... We say bubbleness?

No, don't change it for me. I'm going to learn. Yeah, you are, you are. You're learning. Yeah. Beautiful. Fine moose. So yeah, fine moose.

Do you have a specific sparkling water in mind when you discuss the fine moose? Ooh. I had one in a hotel yesterday. It was pretty sweet. Yeah? Yeah. So, yeah, no, my life hasn't fallen apart. And so, yeah, no, my life hasn't fallen apart. And yeah, some kind of fine moosed sparkling water, non-specific. non-specific. Yeah. Okay. We can find you the finest moose available. Yeah. And even though I don't understand what it is, but like, yeah. Yeah, okay.

What could help? I mean, you want to understand what it's now, right? It's been explained to you. Tiny bubbles. Tiny bubbles. Lots of them. And lots of them. Yeah.

Yeah. So that would have like a slightly more, a smoother texture. Mm-hmm. Than. A more pleasant mouth feel. A more pleasant mouth feel. Exactly right. You know, before we start the podcast, I talked about,

I'm going to burp. Yeah. It's happening, isn't it? It just keeps. Yeah. So, like, I want to shout, pop up, or bread at you because I need to do that, but I'm worried. Go on knock yourself out.

I want to tell you. I want to burp, you know. Go on. So I was just trying to think of like, ask something else about the water to keep us here for a thing. Yeah. Ice and lemon in the sparkling water. Poplums or bread. Poplums or bread, Amy Matthews, he's poplums or bread.

Wow. I, again. That was more convincing. That was a more convincing, wow. Did you burp? No. Do you want her? No.

Okay. I'm going bread. I'm going bread, but a very specific bread, if I may. Of course you may. Fine moose. I would like, there's a restaurant in Edinburgh called Noto. It's owned by very talented chef, Stuart Ralston. Is that name ring any Bell's head? Yes, he did Great British menu. Yeah. Yes. Oh, good test. Through that at him. Well done. I've heard it's a fantastic restaurant. It is a fantastic restaurant. It is a fantastic restaurant. Hold on, Ed. Yeah, I think he voted him out in the semis, but I...

Do you vote? It's not voting. It's judging the dishes. I'm but one of the judges. Yeah, so Stuart Ralston has a... Well, he's got four restaurants in Edinburgh, but one is Noto. And they do a sourdough bread that comes with a melted crab butter. And you dip the bread in the butter.

And it's still got little bits of, like, shredded crab in it, it's got parsley in it, and it comes in a crab shell, and you just, you dip your lovely bread in a little carcass, and it's, oh my God, it's heaven, absolutely heaven. I was with you until you use the word carcass, I'm sorry. No, I'm still with you. So I would like that bread specific. Is that okay to have it as, even though it's not counting as a dish? Of course, that's your bread, course.

In our episode 100, I picked the bread from Kudu in Packham, which has a similar vi. where you get the bread. It's like more of a briosh bread. Nice. But then you get two pans of melted butter. One's got bacon in it and then one's got shrimp in it. And it's just so good.

It's a proper, that feels more luxurious than spreading butter on is dipping into melted butter. Yeah, particularly when it comes in a carcass. Yeah, like a medieval king.

Yeah. With the carcass there, would you do a eulogy for the crab? Would I do a eulogy for the crab? Talk about the food the crab like, would eat? Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

it comes on a little mountain of sea salt as well so if you want you can sort of put a bit of salt in the carcass yeah it's really extraordinary do you think it would put people off eating meat and fish if before they ate the meat the waiter had to give a eulogy to the animal I don't know I mean there's lots of things where you have a sort of sense of ceremony

before serving something what's the what I mean I'm going to really lose my Scotland credentials here of someone who's been a resident for seven years. But is it addressing the haggis that you do on Burns night? Oh yeah. What do you? Do you toast the haggis?

You test it and you read some rabbi burn. You challenge it. You read some rabbi burns and then you don't set it on fire, do you? That's Christmas buildings. No, you can set it on fire, I think so. Okay. Yeah.

Address to a haggis. There we go. Address to a haggis. I think that's not a eulogy, but it's as close as it comes. You're sort of giving it a little poem before it's gobbled up. But you're speaking to the haggis there rather than the sheep. Rather than the life it had.

Yeah, the life it had. Yeah, okay, that's fair enough. You said cow, but it's sheep, isn't it? It is, yeah. Cow's stomach would be fucking massive. They've got two, haven't they? Have they? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, cows have got mothed. Yeah, so. They've got stomachs. You're asking for trouble. For days. Two for one. Yeah. They've got their little cud stomach.

Yeah. Letting two for one. Two for one. You get a cudding for one. stomach and a food and a, what's the other one? Is it just two lots of stomach? Is it? Yeah, I can't afford to it. We've got to say for the stomach. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've got that. Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's too. Yeah. I think so. Well, I think that bread sounds delicious. It's real good. I've not been tonight, so. I'd absolutely love to go. I've heard it's incredible. It is incredible. Well, you wouldn't be welcome there, man. No, that's the sound of things. That's true. What are his other places? Or what they might do is send you out just before you get your dessert. Yeah, yeah.

When the ends in reaching. Yeah, yeah. What was the question so? What are his other places? His other places, he's got Lila, which is a really, really beautiful fine dining restaurant near Colton Hill. Azel, which is the original, and that is also a tasting menu, restaurant, absolutely superb. And Tipo, which is the most recent, no, the second to most recent one, which is all pasta and Italian-infused. Nice.

Yeah. Really, really good. You've got to go to one of them at least. really, really good. There's a whole bream in Tipo that I have eaten alone. Yes. How big is a bream, though? Too big for a person. Too big for a person, but it's, I mean, yeah.

Yeah. For the listener. Yeah, for the listener. That's quite big. As a genie's lamp's worth? Yeah, yeah, big as a genie's lamp. Yeah. Your dream starter, your menu proper now.

I'm going to upset people. Oh, great. This is what we like. Cause some controversy. Okay. Get ready listeners. Can I also say how nervous. I am to say the forbidden ingredient.

I'm really at the law school. We like our guests to be on edge. Yeah, you should be on edge. Particularly, I've just got some mental ingredients. Great. So, starter. A traditional Scandinavian pickled herring platter. What, that?

Yeah, I know. Hang on. This sounds great to me. I don't know why you're worried about. Oh, I'm not saying what the luck is gross. I just like did not. See that kind of? coming.

So you can get quite often a trilogy of pickled herring. There's usually some kind of clove vineagarette herring, a mustard and something, and then like a cream and cucumber or horseradish and cucumber. So those three that comes with half a boiled egg, some dill, a little bit of rye cracker. Yeah, triumvirate of herring. I think stick with trilogy. A herring trilogy. Yeah.

Yeah. If it's a trilogy, what's the first? The first one. What do you always go with the first one? Do they tell a story as they go through? Do they, though? Clove first. Clove first, yeah.

For the sort of stringent, vinegaretty. I like my food to hurt. I do. I really like... What? Attack of the clothes. Attack of the clothes. Trilogy.

Yeah. That's nice. Let's see if we can keep going with this. How about... What have you got on? growing mustard. That's a mustard. Okay.

And yeah, so I think that is the order I'd do it actually. I'd go clove, mustard, and then the sort of cream slash horse radish-y. Sometimes it's got apple in as well. So you're sort of building to the richer one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I think you want to go out. When you say you like your food to hurt? Yes. Speak more. Okay. I like really, really. strong flavours. So something really astringent

and acidic, or something really spicy, or something gruff. Do you know what I mean? I sort of do, but I want you to explain it. Yes. I want, I want it to sometimes I want when I'm eating something for it to feel like I'm a wood chipper. You're the wood chipper. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I want to have to put a shifting to get through it. So I either want it to be textually something to say. So like a raw carrot? You like a raw carrot?

Somebody asked me what my comfort food was the other day and I said raw carrot. Who asked you that? The eulogy person. No. So yeah, I either like it to be, have real heft when I'm eating it textually or the flavour to be really saying something. Yeah, to like you're there. You're in the room with the food. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When did you get into herring platters? I would say, I tell you what, I know exactly what that is. I have Polish family and they eat a lot of pickled herring in Poland. So when I was a kid, I used to really love it over there. And you could never get it in the UK. And then Lidl started stocking it. Of course. And I got very into it.

And then in the last seven, eight years, I've spent a little bit of time in either Denmark or, where else have I been where they've done loads of herring? Just herring countries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The herring countries. The main herring. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Scandinavia. And I just, I absolutely love it.

Yeah. I really, really love it. It's also crucial to me, can I stipulate the environment as well that I'm eating here? My adult life is increasingly becoming a sort of quest for the right amount of twinkle. Do you know, you know, in a food and drink environment? This is interesting because a lot of the things you're saying,

I immediately understand what you mean. And James is utterly baffled, which is that you're having the experience that everyone else has with you, James. Yeah. Quite nice. I outweirded, James. No, because it's not weird what you're saying,

but James is not keyed into it. A lot of people are in an apology. You want gruff food in a twinkly environment. Yes. So, do you know what? I'm constantly trying to find a bar, pub or restaurant that has the exact amount of twinkle as the Pirates of the Caribbean rider.

Okay, now I'm coming around a bit more So you know Benito's on board as well Yeah You know the Pirates the Caribbean right Yes And it's so dark Yeah

And then it's got that lovely orangey twinkle It's got the right amount of twinkle That's what I want You want that That's what I want So you want it to feel like Nighttime

Yes In a In a town that is being taken over by pirates In Tortuga In Tortuga And they're running around like looking for treasure and fighting each other and stuff.

Well, there's actually, there's a bit in that ride, isn't there? Where it merges with a cafe. Yeah. There is a, you can do that. Yeah. What, it goes through a cafe? Yeah, but it always looks better from the boat. Right.

Than when you're in the cafe. Well, I went to, I was just. Is it a themed cafe or is it just like a leisure centre cafe? No, it's just Disney. Yeah. You must have seen it. Well, they're eating. They're eating up.

So it depends which one you. I've only been on Pirates of the Caribbean in Florida and recently Tokyo. You've only been in those. Yeah. Only been in those ones, okay? Only those two. I'm a novice. How many others are there?

As well, in Paris. Benito says five immediately. Didn't need to Google it. He knows it as five Pirates of the Caribbean. But in the Florida one that the cafe you're talking about is like up in the disc. So you kind of like, you see him up on a hill or something. I don't remember. And you're like, oh, there's a, there's, oh, and you realize all then.

not animatronics, that's real people up there, and that's not part of the thing. In the Tokyo one, straight away, they're on the fucking bank. And you're like, whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the only thing the cafe be so close here? That's the same as the Paris one. So you go through it in your little pirate boat. And you can see...

I've never been through it. You've never been to... So it must be Paris is when you go through it. Because, like, Tokyo, they're on that, you're right or whatever. I think the Paris one is actually like a peninsula. Right. So it goes through the middle of a cafe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you go, you sort of go round the cafe. Wow. It's never as good when you're in the cafe as when you're on the boat. Yeah. It doesn't look as good. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, you're on a boat for a start. That's exciting.

Yeah. Maybe, can I be in the boat? Yeah, you can be eating on the part of the Caribbean boat. The Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah, that could be your whole wheel. And then it's the perfect twinkle. Yeah. That's so nice.

I love the smell of theme park water. Me too. So I'd absolutely love to have a meal. I agree with that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, you can choose this. Do I want to smell like theme part water. It is good.

I came up with an idea to try and release a theme pot water. Smell. Like a candle. But I think it does exist already. No, it does. My wife got really excited about it. Ben just whispered to himself. Because me and my wife got really excited about it.

We were like, we should try and do a theme pot water candle. And then we looked it up. And it's always the same with those things. You come up with an idea. You Google it. It's already happened. Have you ordered it? No, no, no.

Because I think I think that that is crazy that you haven't ordered it. But I think it'd be disappointing. Because I think, you know, if you hear, I hear about candles sometimes, and then I smell them, and they don't live up to what they're supposed to. You hear about them sometimes. But then surely that should be your business. We've got one called Big Sur after rain, and it's supposed to smell like Petricor, and it just doesn't capture it. Although shout out to D.S. and Derge, you make some wonderful fragrance. But can't you and your wife's candle company?

Be the good one? Get it right? Yeah, that's true. Yeah. But how would you feel about, like, perfume that smelled like theme pot water? If you were sat with someone and they smelled like theme part water Just say this dweeb nodding his head in my peripheral Is that, go on?

I would probably enjoy it But I don't think I'm in a well-populated group I just, yeah, I think the theme part water would be nice I don't know if I'd want that around my food though I'd maybe go for, can I have it smell like Rory Soup? There's a Rory soup Rory soup. Rory soup. Who's that?

Who is that? So at Haven Holiday Camp, they have a mascot called Rory. And he's a tiger. Rory the tiger. And for kids, they have Rory soup. Yeah. It's vegetable soup. Yeah.

It's really specific. Yeah. And when you went into the dining room, the whole place smelled like Rory soup. And sometimes I'll just be walking down the road. I'll be in, I don't know, Plymouth. And it will just Rory soup. Smell it. So there we go.

I'd like to be in a boat. On the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. In Paris, with very twinkly lights. Yeah. And it smells like Rory Soup. And it smells like Rory Soup. So the boat's on a river of Rory Soup essentially. No.

No, don't be silly. How does it smell? How does it smell like it? We're pumping the smell in. Yeah, no, I'd like it to be smell. No, it needs to be theme pot water. Yeah. And it just smells.

You know, like, how subway pump out the smell of their thing? Or like lush, do they say? Or in your Viking experience, they pumped the smells in. Of shit. Did they? Of like Viking times, yeah. Really? There you are.

I saw an art installation once. I think it was Heather Philipson did a, she recreated like a dystopian farm in the Newcastle Baltic Gallery. And she pumped in the smell of manure. Wow. Yeah. Well, I think that's, I mean,

I'd forgotten all these smells, triggering a lot in me. I haven't thought about it before. Yeah. The theme park water is a very specific smell. It's really good. I liked that. And then you mentioned,

Yorvik Viking Center and I don't know how much I fucking hate how much the Yorvik Viten Center stinks. Dream main course, Amy. Dream main course. So we know where you are now. You're on this, you're on parts of the Caribbean. I mean, you can just, you could change the location per course if you wanted, because you are on a boat,

remember? That's true. So the boat could go somewhere else? Yeah, it could, couldn't it? Okay. I think, so I'm going to go for a Saga Panere. Maybe specifically the one from Mother India. Yes. Shout out to Mother India. in Edinburgh slash Glasgow.

I think they're just in Edinburgh Glasgow, is that right? I think so, yeah. Yeah. A sagpane. I just absolutely love a sagpaneer. So I'd have a sagpaneer with, I think, a roti. Mm-hmm. And I'm still on the boat.

I think we just stick to the boat. I'm really enjoying being on the boat. And stay in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, because of the twinkle, I guess. The twinkle's right. You're not going to get that twinkle. Yeah. I've tried. And, yeah, so I'd maybe have that.

I've just thought as well Do you ever have a sort of memory And you're not sure if it's like a phantom memory Or it actually because it's so odd Yeah yeah I think I've seen and I will need to check I think I have watched Ivo Graham

Yeah I'll stop you're out This happened And he I can't even to say So I'm pretty sure He seasoned it by opening a bag of skips and tipping it out

Wow. Okay. Wow. I mean, that's... That's huge. That is huge. And I've thought about it quite a lot since. Yeah.

It's... I'll tell you what would be really weird is if he absolutely didn't do it. And it was just like one of those dreams. It feels really real, but it's insane. Do you want to bring him? Yeah. Ask him now.

I think him and ask him. I'll pass him over to you. Okay. If he answers, that's to live. Hi, Ivo. It's Amy. Matthews. How are you?

Quick cue. I just wondered if it's a phantom memory of this is something you actually did. When we went for a curry in 2022 at the fringe, you pulled a bag of skips out of your lap and tipped it onto a curry. And I'm wondering, because I think I know I've seen it, but to say it feels insane. I don't know if it's just one of those dreams that happen, that just feel real when you're in them.

You know, like if you, I don't know, sit in your A-levels in a rainforest cafe or something, and it's just normal. So I just wondered if that is something you've done or if I have dreamt that and if you're all right. Cool. Yeah, that's good. Really funny that he's got a miss call from James and that's the message.

It's going to wonder what's happened there. Didn't give him the context that we're on the podcast. Yeah, that's true. I think he'll work it out. He's an educated life. You mentioned the rainforest cafe. That's something else that smells of theme part water. It does.

It does. You love it. does. You love it. So yeah, I think I said, and yeah, I'm intrigued, I don't know if I'd want it in my dream menu, but I'm intrigued to try it, crisp on a curry. Yeah. Yeah.

I think, I mean, I guess like a lot of people break their popadom up over their curry to add texture, which I understand, I don't do it personally. Yeah. Well, it's not got enough structural integrity to hold the crunch, though, has it? No. Because the second you whisper a bit of liquid. Yeah, yeah, it's going soggy. It's, yeah.

Like reddy salted crisps, I could maybe understand. Skips. A prong cocktail. That's quite exciting. That's quite exciting. Maybe in a prawn curry. Yeah. And I guess as well, they've got that sort of lenticular shape.

They'll hold. But hang on. If we're talking about Popperum's not standing up to moisture, Skips dissolve. Famously. They're not holding anything. They're just dissolving straight away. You know so many words, I don't know.

Lenticular. Like a com. Convex, like a lens. Yeah, lens. Yeah. Amazing. Oh. But I crave salt all the time.

I just absolutely love salt. So I want it to be really salty and I want to feel it for days. Also, the panir, you need to season the hell out of that thing, right? Absolutely. Because it's a love, it's a great textural cheese. Yeah, it is. It's not bringing the flavor or salt. The thinking mantalumi.

It's just, it's not, it's, I like that it's not, it's not got the squeak of Halumi, but it's got the, the pillowy, boing. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, subpoenae, little roti. maybe specifically actually the roti from Tintai Caravan Oh great

Yeah I know we're going sort of international there It's all in Edinburgh It's all in Edinburgh for sure But yeah So I'd probably go

Yeah the roty from there Because it's like The roty from there tastes like buttered toast Specifically You know the first slice of buttered toast You eat after You've been sick

Yeah A big shout out to Tingtai Caravan Congratulations Good luck keeping the cues down. No, but that's a huge compliment. You know, sometimes restaurants hear themselves mentioned on the podcast and they change the description on the menu of what the thing is.

So they're going to have to change it to roti. Yeah, post-vomit first slice of toast with butter, the off-menu podcast. That's the greatest compliment of which I'm capable. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, well. Do you know what I mean, though? It is euphoric after you've got everything out and then you eat. And you suddenly have appetite again.

and nothing tastes like that first. Buttered slice of toast. So that's what I want, that rotee. Yeah. And then maybe we'll try it with skips, but not for the dream menu. We'll give you a little extra bowl of Saug Panir and some skips. A little chaser. You can have a little taste of it.

That's nice. A little experiment bowl. That's lovely. No worries. That's really nice. Can people get your hemen platter in Edinburgh? Because so far, a lot of this is in Edinburgh. That's true, actually.

The average comedy fan, if they go to the fringe next year, They could do the Matthews tour. They could do the Amy Matthews. Tingtie Caravan's an absolute bun fight during the fringe, though, sure. It's fucking crazy in that. So popular. It is. Not anymore after the whole...

He walked straight in now. Yeah. The whole puke roti. Post puke roti. So could you get that? I don't actually know. There used to be a Scandinavian place. Hemmer.

I don't know if it's still there. Yeah, I don't know if it's still there. Yeah. But yeah, I'm not sure. People in the UK are just not ready for pickled herring. Do you think? They're just not. Well, that's odd because traditionally, like, a lot of UK food is,

there's a lot of pickled stuff. Yeah. And people, like, used to eat eel and things like that. Yeah. Jelly deal. You would have thought people were ready for pickled herring. Yeah, I think, I don't know if there's something off-putting about it being pickled and fish. Yeah, maybe.

That's too quite, you know. I love it. I love it. Any like pickled fish, any smoked fish, stuff like that. It's great. Yeah. Would you allow it if people wanted to do the Amy Matthews menu during Edinburgh? Absolutely.

If they can't find your starter that they go and see Richard Herring. But he has to be drunk. Yeah. He has to be a pickle. Well, yeah, he has to put three different outfits on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leading up to the richest, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be nice. He's in a pickle. The richest herring. The richest herring. Oh, lovely stuff. Yeah, maybe, yeah, maybe go and see herring. Thrice.

Three times. Yeah. He's probably doing three shows. Yeah, he will. That's pretty fair. He's doing a podcast. Yeah. Your dream side dish, is that?

In Edinburgh? It's commutable. You commute to your side dish. Sylvan in Glasgow does a, does a, they're like a small plates place. I mean, aren't they all? Yeah. But it's a small plates place and they do a smoked tomato on a cream cheese yogurt yogurt

with like a paprika chili oil drizzle. And there's no way I could describe it that could do it justice. I'll do my best. But it's really smoky. And it just, it tastes like, what you'd want like a cartoon tomato to taste like. Do you know, you know?

Well, I know. It's like the tomato-eous tomato, right? A hundred percent. Okay, okay. It's like not as... I'm trying to translate for you again. Well, I know what a cartoon tomato is, but I'm just thinking like...

Oh, I do you mean, cartoon tomato. Well, I reach into a cartoon. Well, usually in cartoons, tomatoes are being thrown at people and splatting everywhere. They're not being eaten. So I was like, I don't really know what I'd want to I assume cartoon tomatoes are like rotten fruit that are getting thrown around.

Did you? I think what I meant was just like the platonic ideal of a tomato, right? Like the dream tomato. Yeah, I suppose. I just, I don't know how to describe it except tasting like that. Cartoon tomato. Yeah.

Yeah. But also I guess I'd imagine it without like any hard bits in it, you know? Oh, okay. A cartoon tomato, I'd imagine it without... You know, you're the bits and the tomato that are like... Seeds? No, no, the structural bits.

Isn't it all structural bits? Nah, the bits is not. You know, there's the like... The chambers. You know, there's the seeds in all the goop. The little ventricles. Yeah. There's the seeds in the goop,

but then there's the little segmented bits that are like the skeleton of the... I do. I guess I would imagine... The skeleton of the tomato. Yeah. I would imagine the cartoon tomato. Yeah.

I'd imagine the cartoon tomato to be the skin and the gloop. I know what you mean. Okay. Yeah. Okay. That's fair enough. So hang it. It's smoked, but then how cooked is it texturally?

It's, um, she's pretty loose. Yeah. Yeah. She's, yeah. She's, um, she's baggy. Yeah. Yeah. Is she charred on the outside?

She's very slightly. Yeah. Very, very slightly. And then, um, yeah, it's, it's, it's just like, really, really deep, smoky flavors with an intense tomato, like, tomatoiness. And then the chili oil is on top with the yogurt underneath. The yogurt underneath, yeah. So you can sort of dip in as much of the yogurt as you know.

It's honestly, I think about it all the time. Are you saving a bit of bread maybe from the bread course to mop up? Well, I think it actually comes with a little flat bread, like a bouncy flat bread. But I don't want to, I don't want to sneak in extra bread. I think you can if it's part of the dish. You've already done that. with your main. With my rosy?

Oh, yeah. It's got me on a technicality there. Yeah. I think you got rye bread with the starter as well, so. Okay, yeah. I have, I've slept in extra bread. You know what?

You tricked me. I fell for it. Even when you said I don't want to sneak an extra bread, I was like, I'm a respectable woman. And then Ed's just cat along to all the bread you've been eating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, fair enough. But you're allowed all that bread.

Thank you. You know, you can have a flat bread or you can just use some of the bread from one of the other three times you've had bread. Can I have a little rest in between each course? Maybe a little go on the ride. Yeah, wait. Are you already on the ride?

Can I check? You're going round and round the Pirates of the Caribbean ride on this? No, I think I've been. Because those rides, those sorts of rides, Pirates of the Caribbean's a little bit better. But anything where you're like on a boat going through and there's a song play. You don't really munch it.

It's just, it's just. It's crazy. It's a small world or whatever. Oh my God. Yeah, that's absolute horror film stuff. But I, no, I think I don't want to be, because also in every single one there's that little surprise drop at the end. You can't be, you can't be.

You can't be eating. You can't be munching and dropping. Yeah, not open over, especially not with a loose tomato on your plate. A baggy tomato. So, yeah. No, I don't think I am. I think I'm floating. Okay.

Yeah. That's quite a tragic image, actually. You're just bobbing. In one place. Yeah. Can I have a guest? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Who do you want?

Apart from the animatronic pirates. Apart from the edge. And ignore the fact that Ben is trying to telepathically get you to invite him. Even in a dream, he wants to go to parts of the Caribbean and do at Disney. Chris Packham. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah, why Packham? I could just listen to him talk all day. I love it when someone has an intense interest in something, knows loads about it, and just wants to solilo. look or yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would like it, yes. He's got a, he's got a rep for being, and he has owned up to this himself, he's a bit of a commotion, a bit of cantankerous, might not want to speak to you, might be like, why have you put me on this stupid riding? I think if I ask him about badgers and then just enough you go, he'd be fine. I think that's probably

the key is just to just stay in Packham's Lane. I wouldn't get, no small talk, just as and when he thinks about something he might want to chat about. Yeah. Yeah. It's a butterfly Museum once was kidding. Did you? Yeah, yeah. It was a butterfly. A butterfly park was being open.

Do you know what? My memory of this is a bit fuzzy. Was it in Essex? He was there to open a butterfly thing at something else. I don't think it would have been a butterfly museum. A butterfly park or like greenhouse. Butterfly farm.

Yeah. A fly house. A bigger thing. Yeah. And he was stood, I think, watching some other man, like some goats or something. And me and my dad went up to him, and my dad tried to talk to him about, he knew that Chris Packham supported Southampton.

So I was like, well, he's doing pretty bad in the league this year, Chris. And it's the first time in my life can ever remember seeing a celebrity not want to talk to someone. Oh dear. I was like, oh, okay, these people are different. And now here we are. They don't like this. I actually, there was a butterfly farm called in what Thailand. country park in Essex that I had to go to as a child because I was really scared of butterflies

as a kid, like really scared, like the movement of butterflies. And in a sort of lovely bit of 90s parenting, in an exposure therapy, my parents were like, we'll go to the butterfly farm and you'll be fine, like, we'll show there's nothing to, and I refuse to go unless I could wear a balaclava. So I'm just a little kid cutting him out in a butterfly farm. I'm in a balaclava. It looked like you were robbing the joint. Yeah.

Petrified. Put the butterflies in the bag. It's not really going to work out. Yeah, I was absolutely petrified of them. Did it work, though, the exposure therapy? Because you're not petrified of them now, right? No, I'm not petrified of them now, that's true, actually. So it must have worked.

Did they take you back without the balaclava? I don't remember. I don't remember at all. Have you seen a little hat, maybe? Just like one step at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Went over a little face mask. Have you been to a butterfly?

How since that? Have I? I don't think I have. No. Maybe I should. So you might still be scared. Yeah, yeah, I might actually. Yeah, gosh.

Why are we talking about bus flights? Packham. Packham. Packham. You want Pacham on the ride. Oh, I want Packham on the ride. See, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, yeah, I think that would be nice.

That would be less tragic, I think, being on a boat eating with Chris Packham. Imagine if you just looked at you, you asked me a question, you just looked at you, and he just slowly just got into the water and swung away. Yeah. You smell great. Yeah, oh God, come back, Chris. Give me a with. Join the pirates.

He just, he just turned into, he just dressed as a pirate and just. That would be so nice. Stay completely still. Maybe she won't see me. Like when in Scooby-Doo, when they run away from a villain. Yeah. Oh, dear. I, yeah, so I'd have Chris on there with my, where are we, side, side dish.

Is Chris, is Chris Packham veggie, vegan? Yeah. I'd imagine he's vegan, let's be honest. Otherwise. it's fucking rich it's gotta be yeah Packham's gotta be

he's got to be pull that up Benito pull that up Benito but we don't even need to because Packham definitely will be a vegan so he's probably not eating the dairy products in your

oh yeah you can have the tomato off the top yeah that's a point there's a lot of stuff he's not in a one he's going to be upset

about that smoked herring platter you've got no he's not is he he is it won't load it won't load won't load. Okay.

I think we can quite confident say. We can confidently assume patterns of vegan. At least veggie. Yeah. Yeah. Veggie min. But yeah, I love that. Don't you?

Like, you know when someone who's just like really knows something? Depends what the thing is. Okay. There's a depend what the thing is. And also, more broadly, um, no. No, never. I just want them to shut up. Yeah.

Okay. I've, I mean, yeah. What's happened there is? You've just thought of an incident. Yeah. No, actually, I think I would like to hear the... Imagine James saying that Chris Packham's famously a commotion

whilst he's sitting there with his own personality. I'm all right. And then go, yeah, my dad spoke to Chris Packer. Chris Packer was just really annoyed that someone just came up to speak to him. Yeah? Yeah, James in the background, taking notes. Inspiration.

Your dream drink, Kamey. Oh, okay. It's a twist on a paloma from, there's a bar and restaurant in Truro. So that's a heck of a commute. Love Truro. I'm going there soon. Right, go to Busterford Jones.

Buster for Jones. Buster for Jones. Buster for Jones. I like the name. It's good. It's good stuff. And they did a paloma that was mescal instead of tequila. Nice.

With pink grapefruit juice. I believe violet bitters and a Himalayan salt rim. Oh. And it was honest, it tastes like, you know the smell of ash, Trays. Amy, once again, it's all going well until you described it. No, it's...

They should put that in a candle. The smell of ashtrays. The smell of ashtrays. I've got a tobacco candle, you know. Oh, you? Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, it tastes like the smell of ashtrays. So, just because, I mean,

some listeners might be thinking, ashtrays smell disgusting. Yeah. What would you say to those people? When I ordered it, The person behind the bar actually came to the table. Yeah. And said, stop smoking.

And she said, by the way, like, are you sure? Right. There's something on their menu. Yeah, yeah. They were like, we just need to give you a heads up because a lot of people order this, not really knowing what they're letting themselves in for. Do you think you'll be all right with this?

And I was like, I don't know, I think I'll come. And it was great. It was absolutely extraordinary. Great. So, yeah, it tastes like, do you know, there's like a bitter ashiness in the bottom of an ashtray? I've never licked one. See, yeah, if you were saying it's got that smoky burnt flavor of like, maybe like if you're like a campfire or a fire, I'll be like, oh yeah, yeah.

The ashtray is what's throwing me. I think it's the sun in a pub garden and then it started to rain and the ashtrays are wet and it stinks and it's Britain and I hate it. Now I imagine there's Himalayan salt at the rim. So yeah, but I... So it's an ashtray with a salt rim. Yeah. Because I think it's important to... The reason that it's an astray not a bonfire

is because there's a real acidity and like... Or like bitterness, actually, from the pink grapefruit that I don't want to get missed. Yes. I think it's just the astray thing that's still a problem. It's a stumble. Okay, well, then if I were to say to you,

Sarka tastes like the smell of hot cars. Edom's like it's going to be sick. Well, you can say it. The inside of a hot car. Does that make sense to you? No. Not really. The inside of a hot car.

Yeah. The outside. Inside. You know how I was completely going along with everything you were saying before and I was having to tell James about it. Now you've lost me. Okay. One of my favourite things in life.

Yeah. Is Ed talking to me like he isn't about to fall in the same hole as me. Many, many, many times. James, this is what it feels like to be talking to you. What? And he's in the pit of me. Not knowing what the fuck is going on. I'm so sorry, Chauvin.

I've broken my leg. But I just, yeah, I think, I can't think of a comparative taste that describes something as well as the smell of ashtrays. There's no way, there's no way, Pacan's staying on this boat. He doesn't have to talk to me about the food.

Yeah, but you're going to be talking about... P.H of rivers, if you want to be... Badges and stuff. Yeah. And then you're going to have a sip of that. And you know, do you think you taste like ashtrays? Splush. Do you know one thing that is quite nice?

I often order the food or drink that everyone else finds repulsive, so I don't often have to share anything. I'm kind of similar. I will go for something that I think maybe looks a bit disgusting to everyone else. Shout out to Mountain, my favourite dish on the menu. Talk to me. Oh, you're a tripe. But it's just called tripe.

Gives no clues as to what they do with it, but they add so many layers of flavour to it. There's like some pork cooked in there, some tomatoes. It's slow stewed. It's absolutely amazing. There's somewhere in Truro where I got a drink that was so good. I don't think I'm staying in Truro. I'm going to have to stay in Truro. You've got to stay in Truro, man. It's the best place in the world. Okay.

James loves Truro. Do you really love it that much? Have you seen the Wonky Cathedral? No, I didn't see that. Genuinely, they started building it, and then they got two thirds of the way down. I thought, oh, bugger, we're going to hit a tree. And it's all something like that. And instead of cutting it down or moving that out of the way,

they just moved the cathedral. That's so true, right, man. What I will ask for that story is you said they got two thirds of the way down. Did they start building the cathedral from the top? No, no, no, from the front. I don't think that's how building is work, is it? You don't start at the front and then I think you have to do the whole bottom first, don't you? You have to do the foundations.

Oh yeah, so they must have got two-thirds At the way across Yeah And then gone, whoop Yeah, and then shimmied round For some reason my phone's not searching anything But in Truro Sometimes, and Ed might find this as well

Because they're doing this podcast People know you're from the pod But they don't let you know And then there's a tell-tale sign at some point So they just treat like a normal customer And then right at the end in this place in Truro They were like I said, can we have the check please?

I went, oh, yeah, uh-huh You not have a drink or anything at the end? I don't think so. She pointed at this one of the menu, that sounds like boozy ice cream. Oh yeah, I'll have that. And I think she was like, I really wanted him to order that, so I'm not really like it.

It's a drink, and it was just like boozy ice cream. And what was in it? Do you remember? Nope. But it smelled delicious. Okay. Yeah. It did not smell like an ashtray or anything. It smelled like a tub of ice cream

that had a load of booze poured into it. And it tastes exactly like that. That's delicious. It was very good. I think it might have been vodka was the spirit that was in it. But it was great. There was a speakeasy bar in my hometown

when I was growing up called the Black Cat, now defunct. And they used to have that, I tell you what, that was the perfect level of twinkle. Oh, there you go. That was basically pitch black except for tiny little lights

and the lights were the menus. What? They just stapled the menus around the lights. So you'd have to go up to a light to look at the menu. And they used to have a cocktail called the Grasshopper.

And it honestly tasted like liquefied Vianetta. Your dream dessert. Now, so now we're getting to this and you've already said you don't even have a sweet tooth. Yep. But you did turn up here today

with a Quasant cookie dough pie. Yeah. So, I mean, I'm crossing my fingers. You said you like the Grasshopper cocktail. Yeah. Okay. So my dessert is a lavender and tonka bean creme brumelais.

Okay. Is it from anywhere or is it just something you've made up in your head? I've had a tonka bean creme brulee. Yes. I've had a lavender creme brulee. I would like a lavender and tonka bean. Nice. Now, do you want it that the whole thing, like the flavours is just mixed together?

Do you want it like this half and half? Ooh. Now you're asking. Yeah. That's my job. No, I'm going combo. I think. It's all mixed together.

But that's a big swing because you don't know what that tastes like. I know, but I think it would be... But Tonka beans is basically vanilla flavours, right? So it's like fairly non-obtrusive as a flavour. Yeah, it would just give a sort of mellow sweetness underneath, I think. Whereas lavender's a, you know, it's coming out swinging lavender. Yeah, it doesn't give a fuck, like that. Have you ever put lavender in your hot chocolate?

No. No, I'm not a lavender guy, I really don't like lavender. I'm not a lavender guy, either. You're a hot chocolate guy. I'm a hot chocolate guy. He's a hot chocolate guy. Pleased to meet you. But like, yeah.

I'd prefer smoky flavour, so I'd rather just tap a faggin to my hot chocolate. A wooden wheel? Honestly, you know you get like those little tea strainer's? If you get dried lavender, bung that in your hot chocolate. Wow. Three minutes? Yeah. Back out, smashing.

I don't hate that idea, actually. I just sound quite, now that you've described, that, that's a nice description. Thank you. So you can do it. You can do it. That's not a description. That was instructions. Yeah, that's what James prefers that.

Okay, fair enough. Yeah. I put a nicer image in my head anyway. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fair enough. I think Packham's going to like this dessert. Do you? Tonka bean and lavender, cramber relay.

I think this is more like Packham Street. Nature, a lot of nature in there. Yeah. It might not be vegan. It's a little meadow, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. When a creme brulee is on a menu, I can't not order it.

Yeah. Like, irrespective of what else is on it, I have to get a creme brulee. This is, and that's a thing as well. A lot of people have this where... Really? Yeah, and specifically with creme brulees, where they can't not order it if it's on there. I don't know what it is about a creme brulee specifically.

Maybe because the first time you have it, it is so, it's such a game changer, that you're so attached to that memory that you want to go back and have it again. And again, I suppose you're, it's edible ash, isn't it? Okay. Hmm. The burn, you know,

the Bernie, the Bernie bit. No, but it is, you know. Caramel, sort of. Yeah,

the crack is the, the hard surface. It's all, what's bruley, let's face it. Yeah. And, uh, yeah.

Yeah. I think there's something really novel about eating something that feels like you shouldn't be eating it. Mm.

Do you feel like you shouldn't be in a cream brulee? Well, I guess if it's Bernie on top. The Burley. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. It's like licking the bottom of a toaster, isn't it? Oh, Licking the bottom of something again. The ashtray, it's a toaster. Look in the bottom of a toaster. Picture you, just going around your balaclava on,

just licking the bottom of an ashtray, bottom of a toaster. There was a creme brulee on the menu of where we were last night. Where were you last night? Jay Shiki. Jay Shiki in town. It's like really like central town. It's like very old seafood restaurant.

It was nice. There was a salted caramel creme brulee on there. And I was like, my initial thought was, oh my god that sounds great and then my next thought was that's going to be too sweet well did anyone have it I uh

Khyman had it was sitting next to me you offer me a little bite yeah um it was good it was nice it was very nice and I don't think it was too sweet and you would have loved the top actually the top was very had a burnt caramel flavour to it um very it wasn't

I get disappointed with creme brulees if the top is just a bit too nothingy because they don't want to go too big on the burnt flavor on the tops. They don't, if they think it will put people off. But I want it to be that you get a proper crack when you

hit it with a spoon and that you get that burnt flavour to it. Absolutely. Do you know what? This is not going to go down well. So the noise that you want on a creme brulee. What's this going to be compared to? Have you ever seen? Everyone pause the podcast

as you're listening. Try and guess what Amy is going to compare this to. And a little clue, it will sound nothing like what it what hit in the top of a creme brulee. So, my sister was a big fan of the animated Barbie movies. Okay.

There is a really specific sound that the Barbie's heels make on cobbles. If you're bouncing the spoon on a creme brulee, it needs to sound like animated. Before you crack it. Before you crack it? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, before you crack. It's not a pop, actually. That was... Yeah. So the sound of animated Barbies heels on a cobble. Yeah. That's the sound you want on top of a Cramp relay. Well, we can't verify that.

If you guessed that, but then... You get a sign shopping board, tweet in the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess the Barbie... Animated Barbies and feet on the cobbles. It's a really specific sound. So does it remind you the animated Barbie movies every time you have a Crembrillo? It will now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you saw... the live action Barbie movie that came out last year, were you disappointed by the sounds of the... Yeah, there wasn't enough Crembrillet tapping action. Yeah. Yeah. But it's a really specific sound.

Have you got it? Has Ben got the animated Barbie movie, Cuda? I'm going to... Did you just think Benito might have somehow in the last... And we've not edited any of that. So within the last seven seconds, do you think Benito's found an animated Barbie walking down the street? with the cell.

Cobbles. Sorry, Gobbles specifically. He's found it. See, he's already come up. Barbie's heels on ground. Bobby's heels on ground. Oh, that's because that's what you searched.

No. There's dropped down of your recent searches. Could you search it? Oh, here we go. I know. I know Graham not getting back to us, of course. Wait, Barbie. We'll never hear from him for like of that.

Just assume me and Amy are hanging out. Yeah. Talking about him dumping a packet of skips. I will find it. send it to you. Okay. But it's, yeah,

it's a really specific noise. Yeah, but that's what you want the creme brulele. That's not all. The creme brulele. Yeah, when we hit it.

Lavender and Tonka bean, creme brulele. We're obviously, we're wanting, like a very smooth texture as well, but not wobb, I don't like it when they're wobbly. You know,

when they're slightly panacottery. Yeah. None of that. The one last night was a bit panacottery, actually. I don't know if you would have approved. Probably because they just pulled it

straight out the fridge and done the thing. I just brulee. Yeah, yeah. Brulet it straight away. Yeah, I mean, you can't always have both. You can't actually. What's more important to you, the top or the bottom?

What bread do you want with that? There was honestly a bit of me that was like, do I want a little lavender shortbread with it? I would, normally creme brulee ends up coming with like a shortbread or some sort of... In which case, can I have a lavender and old grey shortbread? Yeah. Great. Wow. Thank you.

That is... There we go. I've just, all of my feet involves some kind of... Dipping. Dipping or mopping. Dipping or mopping. Yeah, well, it's a fun thing to do. It is a fun thing to do.

Yeah, I like a bit of activity. Dip a mop, as they say. You're going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. You want sparkling water, fine moose. Populums of bread, sourdough with melted crab butter from... Noto. Noto, yeah, in Edinburgh. Because the way it was written here, I was like, it can't be called NATO.

Start you want a traditional Scandy pickled herring trilogy Main course Sarkpanir from Mother India With roti from Tintai Caravan That tastes like That's nice of toad you see Side dish smoked tomato with cream cheese Yogurt and chili oil from Sylvan in Glasgow Drink mescal paloma from

Bustopher Jones in Truro Shout out Truro dessert lavender and tonka bean creme brulee of your own invention with a lavender and el-grey shortbread. How's that feel? That feels so good. It does sound really good.

I'm really excited about it. We'd have to have some proper breaks in between each course, I think. Yeah, well, you're on the boat. Yeah, but there's no co-he-he-like, it's not, you know, it's not an orchestra, is it? We've had less cohesive menu. Oh, yeah, easily. Yeah, yeah, I'd eat that over a lot of the fucking...

The pickled herring is the curveball. It is the curveball, yeah, for sure. No, I'm actually, I'm chuffed with that. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds delicious. Yeah. Congratulations, Amy. Thank you so much.

Amy, thank you for coming to the dream restaurant. My pleasure. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Amy. Thank you so much to Amy for coming on the podcast. Well, James, you were baffled for a lot of that. It was beautiful. Sensory overload.

Yes. How things sound. How things smell. How things taste. Mm-hmm. But like all described in ways I'd never heard before, some words I'd never heard before, some visuals that in my head didn't marry up with what Amy was talking about, the dishes. It was crazy.

I mean, I can't be the only one who felt upside down during that episode. Hey, look, it was a great episode. I love Damies descriptions. Yes. I don't think, you know, I think you can't have a go at someone for the way they describe the taste of something because taste is all so subjective. it's all internal experience. Oh, Ed, that's very same of you.

How do we know we're tasting the same thing as everyone else? How do we know we're seeing the same thing as everyone else? You might see in black and white. I don't? Yeah, but how do I know that? I'll see in full colour. But how do I know that? I'm never lied to you.

Yeah, but you might not be lying to me, but you might be saying you see it in full colour, but how do I know what full colour means to you? Black and white's two colours. I can count at least six looking around right now. Yeah, but how do I know that you know what two colours? colors is. I know.

This is what I mean. We never know. This is classic. We never know if James Aicaster could see him black and white or not. Classic, dumb boy, thinking I don't know what two colors is. Yeah. I know what two colors is. Yeah, yeah.

But how do we know we're talking about the same thing when we talk about two colors? Are you kidding me? We've had loads of conversations about colors. I got a two one in philosophy, mate. Back off. How do I know that you know what a two one is? That's a good point. Sound like my dad.

But it's not. A compliment. Ed could have paid someone. Thank you, Amy, so much for not saying the secret ingredients, the Bird of Matthews turkey dinosaurs. Yes, although now I do want a turkey dinosaur. Wouldn't mine one. Do you want some ketchup with it?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, got a dip in it. Any particular dinosaur? Ooh, Brontosaurus, I think. I think they should start doing the one where the things fan out from its neck and it spits poison. Bird and Matthews should do that. Yeah.

The broncosaurus, I think, is the best for dipping. Yeah, yeah. Because you get the head, then some of the neck, and then a bit more neck, and then you've got the basically got a nugget left. Oh, yeah, you get in with a nugget. Yeah, yeah. That's more familiar. Yeah.

But you just say you do, you don't use the head and neck as a handle to dip the nugget in. Also good idea. I'd go, no, I'd go, head, gone, neck, gone, body, gone. Yeah. Yeah, and then you're only with a big nugget bite at the end. Amy F. Matthews across all social media platforms is where you can find Amy and keep up to date on her gigs that she's doing

any more podcast appearances, TV appearances. You can be Amy F. Matthews, Stan. Yes, you can. And why don't follow off menu on social media? Oh! Off menu official. That's where you can tweet Benito directly for all the chopping board competitions

that we launch on here. Most of that is on social media and you just message Benito directly. He has been sneaky lately, and he's added a little thing. I didn't know that there was, like, text that comes with, the podcast that you can read.

Show notes. The show notes, and he's added in that. A disclaimer. No one will get a chopping board. It's not going to happen. It's a joke those two have made up. But you've got to remember,

Benito doesn't know what he's doing when he's writing those show notes. He's drinking hooch and moonshine. Oh, my goodness. He doesn't know, he doesn't mean any of that. So if he doesn't send you a signed chopping board, you really should keep persistent and asking for one until he does it. Because he loves ripping you off.

Yes. Benito, all day, he just sits high on moonshine in his outside bath. Yeah. stood on the side of his wooden wickety old porch and he loves ripping you off. He loves ripping you off and he gets out his bath and the light of the moon glints off his pale buttocks and he chuckles into the night sky

imagining all of you not getting your sign chopping boards. Yes, so you have to persist and go, remember, you want me a sign chopping board and a site which competition it was for because that is the only bit that I'll grant him is confusing for him is there's a number of competitions where the sign chopping board is the prize. So you really should remind him which one it was, which one of the many.

Hashtag the monkeys are in charge of the bus. Hashtag the monkeys are in charge of the bus. And any other hashtags we told you to attach in the past. Thank you very much for listening. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Bye. Hello there, Amy, Ed, James, Benito and everyone else at Off Menu PLC.

Sorry to miss your call. I was at Pilates. But I'm delighted to say that Amy's memory is not a false one. In fact, my skip-sprinkled sagpaneer was the crowning glory on what I would truly count as one of the lower-end top-fifty greatest days of my life. It was the Edinburgh Fringe 2022 and the sun was shining and COVID was over, sort of, and I was feeling a foolish optimism about my prospects. That day I had gone with my friends Liam and Hannah to the summer hall to watch a lunchtime show of Haley McGee's Age's Feeling, a theatre piece so much, so moving I've spent most of the last three years ripping it off, before the three of us day-tripped to Portobello to swim in the sea and contaminate a Turkish bath. With our hearts full and our

paws cleansed, we returned to the pleasance, where I performed my well-written, if abysmally titled Stand-Up Show of My Future, My Clutter, which had a banana and a yoghurt on the poster, specifically to appeal to fans of this podcast, and which I'm contractually obliged to say is still available to view on YouTube. I could have gone straight home happy after such a day, but what a thrill instead to receive a late call-up to Kismot Curry House to meet Amy Matthews and her delicately sozzled entourage. Kismot is the home of the iconic iron bruner, but I was not yet in my orange phase and had other fusions on my mind. Some of the finest pub podcasters and award sharers in the game watched with a mix of delight and impatience as I produced a bag of skips left over from my portobello picnic

and crushed them over my panir, shouting, shall I be mother? Which broadly confused people because the Tim Key episode hadn't come out yet. It was a taste sensation for the ages and stands as a reminder to always take the path less travelled where possible. Popadoms or bread, why not prawn instead? Hey, I'm Alison Spittle and I'm Fern Brady and you might remember us both from our episodes of off menu. I think in my episode I got very angry when I ordered toast in a restaurant

and was presented with hot bread and then told that that was the nature of sourdough that it simply doesn't toast as a bread. And I said that I take it in the hand and the mouth like communion. Did you? I did. That kind of brings us on

to the topic of our new podcast. Ignore that feeling. A show by two ex-Cathlet girls who have never learned to acknowledge a single emotion ever. And the podcast is out every Tuesday, starting Tuesday the 10th of February. So please listen and subscribe.