Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Best of 2021: Part 1

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

What a delicious year for Off Menu. So much so we’ve split our annual Best of the Year episode into two parts. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Hello, and welcome, James, and people listening to the Off Menu End of Year 2021 Best of Special. Wow! 2021 was the best year for Off Menu ever. Everyone agrees? Benito agrees? Ed agrees and I agree. And that's the three main voices that matter when it comes to how good Off Menu is. Actually, that's not true at all, James, because there's another voice that you listen to when it comes to Off Menu. James and Mackenzie? No, I believe that she agrees as well. My mother? Yes. Yes. My mother said it was the best one. Well, that's what we're really talking

about here, is that your mum said it was the best one, so now you think it's the best one. Because you don't listen to it, but your mum texts you every time she's listened to it. She does, and she said it was the best series ever. And then she got really angry at Sarah Kendall for being a bully. So I don't know, actually, I haven't checked on her what she thinks about that. Maybe she's changed her opinion on the series. Do you think that's tarnished the whole year for her? It could have, you know, and left a bit of taste in her mouth at the end of the year, but then, you know, we're recording this pre The Harry Hill episode going out, so who knows? Maybe that'll sweeten the pill again. I don't think

Sarah Kendall was a bully. I'm going to throw my hat into the ring here. I didn't feel like she bullied me, but my mum's protective. She saw her cub being cornered by a Tasmanian devil. And she felt like I was being bullied. Okay, let's flip the script. I think your mum's a bully. Hey, I mean, make the case and it shall be seen. What does that mean? I don't know. I'm saying, tell me how. Look, make the case and it shall be seen. It's been such a great year for off menu, James. Look, it's been 2021. That's something that we all know. It's been four. It's been 45 episodes of off menu. It's been a very productive year for off menu. Yeah, so many great guests. Actually, Jesalik, no, no, that wasn't this year

and you didn't enjoy that one. That wasn't this year. No, you didn't enjoy that one. You cried afterwards. My favorite episode. And that's all the clips we're giving you this year. No, that was last year. That was last year. You're getting mixed up now. We have put out 45 episodes this year, James. You must remember some of them. Yeah, I do remember them, actually. It was a roller coaster ride, loads of stuff over Zoom, obviously, recording in lockdowns. Things opened up again and we did some in person. That was the end of the year and we're all confused. Excellent. Well done for remembering all the key details for this best of episode. Somewhere over Zoom, someone over Zoom and now we're all confused.

Yes, that's exactly the narrative of the year. And I think off menu sums up everyone's experience of 2021. So, here today is part one of our favorite clips from all of those episodes that we've put out this year. It has to be in two parts, James, because like you and your mum say, it's been a great year for off menu. So, we're dividing them up, as we always do, into sort of little thematic chapters. Benito's done this for us and he's written us some excellent scripts to get us into each clips package. He has done and he's said to us, just like our ad reads always say to us, stick to the wording. Don't mess around and put your own spin on it. So, we're going to stick to it, Benito.

I want you to know everything we say from here on in on the podcast is going to be exactly as Benito has written it. Exactly. This first section is called Inventions and it's written, I like to invent things to put on my winky. I don't know why I'm laughing. That's what it says. What it says? I like to invent things to put on my winky. I don't know what Clippy's about to play. I don't know. Actually, there's something else written here that I am going to read out as well. Inventions is about the food and drinks inventions, James, because guests invent their own recipes. They've got their own nicknames for stuff. They flip the script on food on a regular basis. They do crazy stuff. Crisps is a starter,

for example, putting chicken in a blender, for example. Quite frankly, disgusting stuff a lot of the time. Some of them wind us up. Some of them wind up the listeners, but they are entertaining every single time. I love hearing a bit of invention, a bit of creativity from the guests. And we've got some great ones here, from the likes of Bob Mortimer, Munya Chihuahua, Emily Atack, Joe Wicks, Joel Kim Booster, Simon Amstel, Rosie Jones, me telling Big Zoom about the scone-based pizza that I made. And then Bob Mortimer again. It's a Bob Mortimer bookend this section. But here's the thing I would like to introduce you to. Just remembered, I made mashed potato from Potato Crisps, and it is really nice. Is it? Okay. It is really nice, yeah.

Colour me in tree. How do you do it? Three packs of walkers, plain, yeah. No, that's not your usual brand. Yeah, normally Seabrooks. Seabrooks, that would just be two more. If you made mashed potatoes, Seabrooks, honestly, you'd just be the king. Garments would be sold for you, parades. And then, I don't know how much, you know, like, I'm going to say a centimetre of water, hardly any water, centimetre of water, but let it all break down into, and you'll suddenly say, there's mashed potato form in here. And then just because the colour's not great, it's a little bit yellowy, just put a little bit of cream in, stir that in. Delicious. And I kid you not, it really is nice. How close is it to actual mashed, could you give

it someone and say there's some mashed potato? Yeah, and they would not. They wouldn't notice the difference. They would think it's quirky mashed potato, but they'd certainly think it was potato based mush, yeah. So there you go. That's like a tip, isn't it? That's a good tip. Yeah, that's a good tip. Make some, I mean, hopefully some listeners will try that and can let us know how it goes for them. It's really nice. And the other one is, do you like tips or no? Yes, I love tips. I love tips. Yeah, I don't worry about it. The other one is, on the last day I was going fishing, I did corn on the cob, yeah, and then you get a pack of watsits, crush it to a fine powder, and then roll the corn in the watsit dust. Do you like this?

No, this sounds nice. That sounds very nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does well, it's really nice. Have you ever tried watsit mash? Mm, there we go. With the bits of corn niblets in it as well. And you could give that a name, couldn't you? Yeah, you could name that. You could name that, couldn't you? I think you could come up with a name for it immediately. You could. Truncheon or something? Yeah. Or just knock us up some truncheon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what? I'm going to say bread. I'm going to say it for two reasons. Number one, I had a traumatic experience with poppidums where my dad tried, there's a pattern here. My dad's a Zimbabwean guy. Zimbabwean food is all right. You know what I mean? If you go to

Italy, you get pasta, you go to Spain, you get paella. In Zimbabwe, the main dish is kind of like this big lump of maize, which you put with a bit of vegetables, a bit of meat. It can taste nice, but you know, it's not the kind of height of culinary perfection. So anyway, my dad one day said, I'm going to make a curry. Now, I mean, the curry itself was basically just chunks of meat floating around in like a brown liquid. But my dad had obviously seen poppidums before, but just didn't know where do you get them? How do you make them? So when I sit down for this curry now, there's just a ball of quavers in the middle of the table. And just cheesy quavers with this sort of meaty gloop. That was enough to put me off of poppidums

for life. Had he made the quavers or did he buy them just a packet of quavers and put them in there? Yeah, he just bought them. Just bought them. I mean, I obviously love that. And I love that it's put you off poppidums, even though it was just a ball of quavers. Yeah, but just the sensation of the like this cheesy taste with this curry is just, I don't want to know what a real poppidum tastes like now. Sure, it's been put in your head. Was it something for years that would get bought up a lot at the time, the quavers or was your dad quite sensitive about it? Didn't want to hear, didn't want to be made fun of? No, he's very sensitive about that. He was convinced that he would go on to Dragon's Den with these, basically, you know, this white stuff, I tell you, this

sad stuff, which is like this ball of maize. He thought that he had come up with this idea where if you put the pan on to like a searingly hot heat and it starts to burn the outside, that he'd created sort of like a mazy Malteser and he was like, no, guys, trust me, this is going to take us on Dragon's Den and it's going to be amazing. Like, don't tell anyone about this. Don't tell anyone about sands of balls. I was like, I'm not going to, dad, don't worry. So a lot of my, you know, a lot of my cooking, my cooking anxiety comes from my dad for sure. So what was his idea? Was that he would get a ball of maize, put it in a searing hot pan and burn the outside of it and that was the product of making Malteser. That's the product. Because you're not used to having

crispy sands. So it was the fact that something that we've grown up knowing as soft is suddenly now crispy. No one was doing that. Yeah, sands of balls. So he'd really reinvented the sands of wheel. But it's the fact that, so I kind of don't mind the fact he's come up with that and called him sands of balls. I think that's great. But what I like is that he thinks he can take it on Dragon's Den. It's not a product. It's something that anyone could do at home. So it's just an idea that here's a suggestion. Why not get your sands of balls and put it on the searing hot heat and burn it all the way down. So it's grizzly, but he's gone, I can sell this. But he's just selling a suggestion to people. Yeah, like any good businessman would. Sure. Presumably on Dragon's Den, he'd

be explaining to them what sands are is to start with, right? So they'd have to get over that hurdle and then he'd have to go, but imagine it different. Imagine this thing you've never heard of different. Okay, you're not bought into it. I can say, how about a poppadum? Yeah. Bring in the Quavers. A packet of Quavers not bought from the shop on the way here. Here's my idea. Give someone a packet of Quavers and call them poppadums. That's my new idea. Who's it? You know, that sort of time, like about sort of eight o'clock in the evening and it's like, oh, gorgeous. You're a bit sunburned and everyone's like walking down to the restaurant. Everyone's chatting. That's a bit of a vibe. That's the next bit. That walk is nice. Are you taking a drink with you for the walk? Yeah.

Yeah, we call it a bot for the germ. A bot for the germ. I know James so well now that when I hear something, I know he's going to absolutely love it and it's all he's going to want to talk about. A bot for the germ, James. A bot for the germ. I tell you what, you wouldn't want to see on a bot for the germ. A bot that is on a germ, you would not want to see a bot. That's something I'm using. I'm using bot for the germ. Yeah, absolutely. We're like, should we take a little bot for the germ? Hold on. Who started saying that? When did it become a thing that you all say that to each other? Me and my mates, we started saying this like 10 years ago when we started going

out like to actually know it must have been longer now. Basically, when we started going out clubbing, you know, we created bot for the germ because on the way in the taxi with all the screaming going on, you need a pissy bottle of cheap wine, you know, to be drinking on the way. It's now not a bottle of pissy cheap. It would be something nice that we have now. But yeah, that's where it came from, bot for the germ, you know, piling in a can and all kind of like a gaggle. But you're saying on holiday, this is a walk, right? A walk from the balcony to the restaurant. Yeah. How long is the walk, the germ, that you need a whole bot? Well, to be honest, now it's not really now a bot. It can just be like a little plastic cup of something that you've been drinking. But because bot for the germ,

it's just evolved. It's still called bot for the germ, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to have bot. It just means a drink for the journey. It's nothing else works. I've gone through all the different options in my head. Nothing works on bot for the germ. Glass for the germ just doesn't work. Everything else is like one syllable glass cup mug. So you have to go bot for the germ. Because it's the only one you can assure on anyway. And it's lovely. So now, so walking down to the to a restaurant with a drink in hand with your bot for the germ. B for the J sometimes we've shortened it to. Yeah, well, that's confusing. So don't start talking. Anyone over here in that? That goes with their family. What's so funny though is that we've been using it for so long now,

like my mum and like my aunts and everyone say it as well. But it's we now say it very seriously, because there's no irony to it anymore. We're saying it very seriously. We go, have you got a bot for the germ? Okay. So like when you saw here, like mum or like my auntie Amy saying, I tell you, they've got a bot for the germ. Yeah, of course. We've heard about your mum and your auntie Amy's before. And it does not surprise me that they've adopted the drinking slang of you and your uni buddies. You and your uni mates. It's just a very normal thing we say now. Mum, mum will go, love, love, love, love. Have you got a bot for the germ? Yeah, yeah, got it. All right. And then we walk to the restaurant. Your sister goes on the walk with a full lasagna under her arms. Yeah. You've got a

las for the germ. Our other meal, our other meal that auntie Amy cooks us, las and sal. So we call it las and sal, which is like Sunday lasagna and salad that we love. And so if we're having a las and sal day, auntie Amy's, we know that's going to be a big old pizza as well. A lasy Sunday. Yeah. It used to be the pasta piss up and then it changed to, she started making these really nice lasagnas. And now we call it las and sal. Like after a bit of las and sal. Like when you know, when you're having las and salad, auntie Amy's, it's going to go off. But it used to be called a pasta piss up, just to be clear. Yeah, the pasta piss up. The great British pasta piss up. And now your mum always checks that you've got a bot for the germ. The way that most people's mothers check

if they've got their keys or something like that. Got your bot for the germ, darling. To be honest, I'm normally starting for the gin and tonics. I have a little glass of water on the side, but it's mainly a gin and tonic kind of affair, isn't it? When you eat and you eat out? Well, we can do that. If you want a gin and tonic straight away, we can do that for you. Yeah, let's chuck the water out the window. We can get your gin and tonic. Well, I'd imagine you're a very well hydrated man anyway. So we can just tuck straight into the gin if you want. You wouldn't give a mere man a glass of water when he's just got out the water. Bit under there for ages. A gin and tonic would be a nice little kicker. Just to liven me up a little bit, but that's not my main

drink. I'm saving my main drink for later. Yeah, that's fine. You can have the gin and tonic instead of the water. Looks like water anyway. No one will know the difference. Yeah. Speaking of slices of lemon, though, you know what I think is one of the most beautiful things, and not enough people appreciate how beautiful it looks, is a wedge of lemon that's been cut and then left in the fridge. And I love how it then goes over time, and it just looks like a perfect, like a sculpture. The way that the skin goes, the membrane over the fruit, and it just, it adopts a kind of like sheen to it. It looks so immaculate and perfect. I don't know. Well, I wrote in lemon. Yeah, thank you, Joe. I mean, I know me and Joe are thinking exactly the same thing when you were

describing that. You're talking about an old lemon. Talking about, like, it's the same as saying, I love to leave a bit of cheese out and wait until it gets that beautiful green color on it. I love to leave a bit of cheese. It's the same thing. But like, this looks beautiful, though. You know what I'm talking about? No, it doesn't look beautiful. Not to talk about a moldy lemon. A lemon, really. I sort of get them, I use it straight away, so I wouldn't, I haven't really observed one over a few days, but I'll do a test. Not a few days, I mean. I'll do a test in my next one. I'm not leaving for a few days, but maybe a while. Maybe a day. That sounds like it's going to be a very disappointing livestream for you, Joe. People tuning in, expecting another workout,

and you're going, today we're going to observe a lemon over a few days. You've got a time lapse, haven't you, really? Yeah. You've got a time lapse, that one. Gin and tonic, what are your measures in there? I'm normally a two for one, double, like a double. I've got a little gin collection at the moment. I'm obsessed with, like, flavored gin, so I normally, to be honest, I free pour most of my drinks, but I normally have a little, a double shot with, like, one Mediterranean, Fever Tree tonic, and then I like a bit of fruits, a few raspberries or blueberries or something. Again, it just says a bit of a fruit salad at the end. I like that. And my kids come up to me, like, always trying to get the gin infused raspberries off of me,

and they're only like two. I'm like, you can't have my gin infused raspberries. All right, that's one. Let's have one, see how you react. That went badly. Okay, fine. Do you want to see my little gin bar? Yes, please. So I moved into this house in July last year, and the previous owners had a bar built, and I mean, I would never build a bar in my house, right, but I thought I'm keeping that. So I've got loads of gin. Oh, amazing. That's a proper bar. And I haven't been out of any, like, family and friends over, because we've not been able to, obviously, because of the restrictions, but I can't wait to, like, get my friends around and have a proper little party and a little gin cocktail and stuff. But yeah, it's a nice thing to have, because it's a social room,

but we don't really come in here, because it's now where I listen to and record my podcast, believe it or not. Quite tricky to sit a bar in your house by yourself. Must be quite a sort of sad, bleak feeling, I'd imagine. Yeah, I do come in here and pour one. So my little daughter, Indy, she's so funny. She basically thinks she's having a gin and tonic. She calls it a gin ton. She says, can we have a gin ton, Daddy? And I bring her in, and I pretend to pour the gin, and then I put a little bit of tonic water in her cup, and I put some ice and some berries in. So she really just loves the berries and the flavor of the tonic. But she's obsessed, and she said the other day, it was so funny, we did some face painting, we painted our faces, and it was really early. It

was only, like, four o'clock, and obviously, I normally have my gin in the evening, so we have, like, one a night sort of thing. And she went, oh, Daddy, Daddy, can we have an early gin ton? And it's the way she said it. She was so excited, so we cracked up laughing, and now we call it an early gin ton, if we have it before, like, five o'clock. I've got, like, pink grapefruit one and mango and rhubarb. There's so many different flavors, but gin, I never used to touch gin. I was literally, like, vodka and lemonade, or vodka and Coke, and now, like, as I've grown up, I just love gin now. I think it's wonderful. Also, she's probably acting like an adult when they discover gin. Just asking for it all the time, and then eventually being like,

can we have an early one? Let's have an early one. Let's do that. Come on. Come on, now. Yeah, and she went to school, she went to nursery, and said, oh, me and Daddy make a gin ton in the bar, and then, like, I said to the nursery, she said, it's only a tonic she's having, but she thinks it's, we keep playing it up, keep it up, we're telling her it's a gin ton. That's so funny. I had to write a story when I was a kid at school, and for some reason, I chose a story where it was someone digging up treasure on an island, and they kept finding, just instead of the treasure, chests full of, like, empty vodka bottles, and then empty gin bottles, and then empty whiskey bottles, and I told my mum, and she was like, what are you,

what are you doing? They're going to think I'm a massive alcoholic. Like, clearly, everything at home was just clinking empty spirit bottles. That's standard. Pyros loved to drink, didn't they? They were always boozy, weren't they, Pyros? It was one of their, just their, you know, just swap alcohol for, like, guns and stuff, didn't they? Yeah. My mum's a boozy Pyro. They're no rum bottles there. No. So, you know, already, the teacher's rolling out that, it's a coffee pie, but there's no rum bottles. It's clearly Mrs. Gamble, that's a problem. I don't, like, enjoy food anymore. Like, I don't really, like, eat it to enjoy it. I do a lot of, like, it's very utilitarian. My view on food now

is very utilitarian. Like, I blend a lot of chicken just to get it in my body quickly, because I'm very, like, I have a certain amount of calories I need to hit in a day, and, like, I have so much time, and so I'll just throw two chicken breasts in a blender with some water, blend it up, and then I can eat two chicken breasts in, like, 90 seconds. It's amazing. When you said this is going to be the shit, it's the episode, I was like, no way! And then you blended the chicken breasts, and I was like, he's right! This guy doesn't even eat food. There's a, I post, sometimes I'll post a video of it on Instagram, and I'll just shed, like, a hundred followers. Of course. Yeah. Everyone is so upset. Look, it's like you've moved into an

old people's home early. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's actually where I got the idea from. Oh, yeah, of course. No, because my grandma was in hospice care for so long, and we're blending her food, and I was like, well, that sounds actually quite smart. All these old people are rich. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How good they were all looking. Not in the hospice. Hospice is really sexy. Yeah. Okay, so we've sort of, we've got an idea of the sort of thing we're in for. Do you even season the chicken breasts? Is it just, like, easy? Sometimes I'll, like, if I get it from, like, a restaurant, it'll come seasoned, but sometimes I'll just throw two chicken breasts in a microwave for a couple of minutes until it's cooked, and then throw it in the blender, and then blend. It's

microwave. Microwave chicken breasts in a blender. Yeah, I just needed to be cooked, and then throw it in the blender, and then sometimes if I'm low on, like, the amount of calories I need to get, I will put olive oil in the water mixture with the chicken, and that, I guess, is sort of seasoning it in a way. I'm not seasoning it, but it adds a little bit of flavor. And I think this is the one, because it's the easiest, because I can just stay at home for it. It's pasta with grilled aubergine, spinach, pine nuts toasted, walnuts toasted, and pesto. That sounds very nice. And is this right at home? Is this something that you make? That's just, I'm just making that, and so that's no problem for anyone.

Talk us through it, because people are going to want to make this at home themselves. If this is your dream meal, and it's something you can just make at home, I reckon people would appreciate the amstel pasta. Well, I don't know if it's that complicated, but let's see if I can, I mean, I feel like, as I explained it, people might go, yeah, pasta. You'll make pasta. But yeah, you get some pasta from a packet. What kind of pasta? Well, I think there's a brand called Garofalo, I think we have that.

And so you put some of that in a boiling saucepan. What shape is this pasta? Fusilli. So you put that in the boiling water for as long as it says on the packet, or a minute less. That would be my tip, a minute less. Great tip. And meanwhile, while that's going on, you want to get the pesto out of the fridge or cupboard wherever it is. Green pesto? Sackler vegan green pesto. And then delicious.

And then after you've done that, you want to get out a frying pan and you want to toast some walnuts and pine nuts. And while they're going on, you might want to add some spinach into the boiling water, so that wilts nicely. Into the boiling water with the pasta? Yeah, straight in. Wow. See, this is a sort, I'm glad we asked you how to do it now, because that's the sort of tip that I would never have thought of.

Yeah, straight in. And how much, because it's quite satisfying putting loads of spinach in something and watching it shrink. A basketball's worth of spinach. Somewhere in between a tennis ball and a basketball, what would that ball be? A bowling ball? Yeah, bowling ball. A bowling ball of spinach. There we go. And then I suppose you're just playing the waiting game, and then when it's one minute

less than it says in the packet, you get your colander out. And then, I mean, this is very obvious. No, it's not. No, it's not obvious. You put spinach in the boiling water with the pasta. Okay. All right. Well, so you pour then, you pour everything, the spinach and the pasta into the colander,

give that a shake, get rid of any excess water. Oh, I haven't mentioned that I've grilled the aubergine during all this. This is what I was thinking when's the aubergine's coming into play? Sorry, before I even boiled the pasta, there were some aubergines chopped into nice circles, no more than like a centimeter thick, if that, and they're spread out on the baking tray, little bit of olive oil, little bit of pepper. They go into the oven and maybe grill if you haven't got much time, or oven if you have more time.

And then hopefully the timing is good. And then, so you've got your pasta, all the water's gone. And then you put the pasta back in the saucepan. You put the pesto in the saucepan. You put the pine nuts and the walnuts in the saucepan. You put the, what did I make? The aubergine. You put the aubergine in the saucepan.

And then you mix it all together and you put it in a bowl or two or three or four, depending on how many people are there, and then you eat it. I think that sounds great. That sounds really good. I'm going to do it. Yeah. Well, they never say at the end of recipes in books is, and now you eat it. Yeah, it's amazing how often I forget that bit.

Prepare all that stuff and I look for the last bit and it doesn't tell me to eat it. Straight in the bin. There you go. I feel exhausted now. I kind of don't know how those chefs do it. It's amazing. How often are you making the grilled aubergine pasta with pesto and walnuts and pine nuts? Just this once a week, then.

I'm going to do it tonight. Do it. I've decided. Wow, I really started something here. I'm going to do it. I'm going to go to the shop after this, get the ingredients. That's what I'm having for dinner. James is on the lookout for a new pasta dish because

him and his girlfriend got quite into making a different pasta dish. And I saw them the other day and I mentioned the pasta dish and they both looked really tired when it came up because they've clearly been eating it far too much. We love it, but we are ashamed of how much we've been eating it all the time. Let's get on to your starter, Rosie. How messy is this? Actually, not messy at all.

I think you're going to hate me because I need to warn you that I won't be here for about 12 hours because I like eating slowly. Surprise, surprise. Oh, I'd love if they bought back. Surprise, surprise. I thought Rosie was the host. Oh, Rosie, please. If you could host a reboot of Surprise, Surprise.

That is, that's good. Oh, my God. But between the first surprise and the second surprise, everyone will get the surprise. Somebody's starter. I think it'll take me about three hours to eat and it's just crushed, crushed, yet talking, toy, crushed. You just had poppy-dums.

Also, Rosie, you started, we started this interview by you saying, oh, my God, I love food. I'm such a foodie. And your starter is, and I quote, just crisps, just crisps. But I don't think you understand the scale of it. OK, so you take us through again. I can twig us, fingers, bacon masses, then little onions, salt and vinegar sticks.

I want peanuts as well. I want cashew nuts. I want then cheese straws, or I want hula hoops. I want the reto's of every flavor. I want nip naps, but I don't need a barbecue rib version. I want the crinkly mini cheddus. I don't want walkers, because I feel like I can get walkers anywhere. Any of those things you've said anywhere.

Every single thing you've said, you can get in the same shop, you can get the walkers. Yeah, you're not traveling to Calais for the rest of a mile. You've just ordered a load of bar snacks, Rosie. This is now, you know, you did the move earlier. This is now the four-year-old girl demanding what crisp she wants at her princess party. The book is more about the environment, and just about that.

I'm there, I'm grazing, I'm eating, I'm having all my favorite snacks in one place, what's wrong with that? Do you want it all in one big bowl, Rosie, or do you want it in separate bowls? No! I want to be, oh, why did I say pretzels? No, I don't. I mean, you said everything else, but yeah, maybe you missed pretzels. I think you missed out pretzels and pork scratchings, and that was it.

No, Jim Bob, I don't want pork scratchings. I want pretzels. I want to be in control of where I dip. So now, in one bowl, you're going to get the treated they raised that was on a twig, never once said cheese a twig. Sure, actually, it sounds quite nice now you've said that. Melty cheese and Marmite's nice, isn't it? Cheese and Marmite, yeah.

I imagine you, Rosie, would like 50 bowls all lined up in front of you on the table, and you're dipping in and going back and forth really quickly, and it's like, you know, when you see people with loads of glasses with different amounts of water in, and they play it like an orchestra. I see you playing the snacks like a water glass orchestra. Yes, see, this is also a question because I hope that in your restaurant, you're able to provide me with a table that looks a bit like a donut. So ideally, I want to sit in the middle and have the table surrounding me.

So I get 360 swivel, so I'm like, twigle, rattle, twigle, oh, what's it? I've got everything what's it? No, you didn't say what's it? Red watch is behind me, and I've got everything to land up in front of me. Do you want the table to rotate like a lazy Susan around you, or do you want to spin round on your chair in the middle? Or do you want both to spin round and you see what happens? Oh my God, please, can the table rotate?

Do you want to be in charge of how the table rotates, or do you want it sort of slowly going round so you can just like pick as it goes around, a bit like a yosushi? No, no, Ed, how do you not know that's about me? I need to be in control. I need to control every little detail. Of one hour the table rotates, and please, please, about every 20 minutes, you'll surprise me with a different slack, so I'm always excited.

Did you say Quavers? Did you mention Quavers? I haven't mentioned a Quaver, but I'll bring the Quavers, but only cheese, don't bring me that crumb cocktail shit. Now, to be honest with you, Rosie, this is not my sort of starter. I like nuts, I like the nuts element, that's great. I think I might be a bit of a crisp snob, you know. I don't like Quavers, Watsits, Twiglets, the chip sticks, I don't like any of that.

I like proper, like my favorite crisps, Rosie, are Torres black truffle potato crisps. They are phenomenal, have you had them? No, because I'm not a pretentious prick. I made my first pizza the other day. Did you? What was on the pizza? What was on it? Obviously, tomato sauce, cheddar cheese, little bacon bits, cut up pepper, what are you looking? Which sounds rubbish, I don't know, bacon on a pizza is shit anyway. You said cheddar, for a start you said bacon, cheddar, bacon bits, what pepper, what are you

talking about? What are you talking about? Use cheddar, cheddar and bacon, what? What are you talking about? He's not respecting your pizza, I can't see. He's not reading your pizza. He's really disrespecting it, actually. Why are you using cheddar? Is cheese on toast? My mum told me to get it, I'm doing my cook along with my mum and she tells me the ingredients and I'm going out and get them. Very authentic then, if it came from Nona Raycaster. Yes, that is her name. And it was a scone-based pizza as well. It tasted good, man. I don't know why you laugh so much.

It's not a pizza, you've made a cheese scone. What do you mean it was a scone-based pizza? Well, that's what she told me. She's had this recipe for ages, I've had it my whole life. Have you? That's when she used to do it at home, I'm sorry for disrespecting your memories, James, but it's not a pizza, mate. Well, I made it real nice. How did you make it? I made the scone-based, rolled it out, put it in the tray, then covered that with the passata, brushed that over, put the cheese over, then put all the toppings over. I put anchovies on mine as well, on my half, more cheese on the top, more cheddar cheese,

put it in the oven, bought it out and I ate my scone-based pizza. I was very proud of myself for it's going to be great. I'm going to be impressed. When I tell him this, I didn't know I was going to get such an absolute dressing down. I respect your pizza making, you know, like, brother. It's not sounding very, I don't know what a scone-based pizza is. Yeah, I'm still in the dark about a scone-based pizza as well. Like in Napoli. Did you use the stone that you put in the oven to make the base cook? No, no, no. You don't need that for scone-based. You just, what was in the scone-based butter, self-raised in flour, it was a scone, baking powder, cheese, a little bit of salt,

and I rolled that all up together and then rolled it out with my rolling pin. No yeast, nothing. It's a scone-based pizza. So you made a big scone and you put cheese and tomato and bacon on top of it. Guilty, your honour. Zoo, I made a lasagna the other day. First thing you do is you put blueberry muffins in the bottom of the tray and then you pour over the tomato and then you put the bacon in and the cheddar cheese. And then you put loads of Twix bars on the tops. Delicious, proper lasagna. Well, I mean, you know, you've made yourself look stupid there because clearly,

I would love to eat that, so it's not like. Is this true? The nearest to a meal you can have is the boost bar. It's got a real density to it. It's got a real density. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen the boosts like about that long? Yeah. Yeah. What are they thinking? Yeah.

I mean, that's binding people, isn't it? This really is. It's taking a workforce down. Is it even a duo? It's not a duo. I don't think, I think James, it's a great big boost for adults only, 18. If you kind of like had them baguette for a roll over hotdog and did the spike, do you think you could fit that boost in there and it would still be poking out the top? My instinct is it would be perfect. It would be absolutely what they'd call that flush in the end of the roll.

And you'd be onto something and they'd be franchised and you'd be on a yacht, smoke cigars, probably with a pet ape. You know, all they need to do is lob a boost in a good work, you know. Yeah. Good work. If that boost is to quite you taking down a workforce. Yeah. What's a boost in a baguette going to do? It's going to bring all the vehicles down, isn't it?

It's going to clog their engines, everything. Thanks, Bob. The boost baguette. Yes, please. Flush. Have you tried the boost baguette yet, James? No. I am going to at some point. I do want to do it, but it has to be with a roll over hotdog baguette that I've seen and then the boost straight in it and it has to be flush. So, you know, there's a lot of criteria to be met there.

So, I don't know if I'll ever find myself near a roll over hotdog stand in possession of a boost. Now, James, this next clips package is entitled Characters. Got a fair few brilliant clips in here with their special comedy characters they've invented during the podcast. Asim Chowdhury, Mary Lynn Rice Cub, Tanya Moore, Rafe Spall, Paul Shear, not characters themselves, they're real people, but they did characters within the course of the podcast, James. Some of my favorite moments are when people break into character.

I'm very excited about these. It's one character in particular who really warms my heart. I think the listeners really need to pay attention to this section and remember that the healthy old man should have a bigger place in off-menu law. Yes, people should be making their own healthy old man merch, really. Yes, yeah. I love the healthy old man. But my drama teacher absolutely fucking hated me.

Like, you know, one of those teachers that like, if you breathe, you get a detention. I mean, it's just like, she just didn't like the cut of my gym. And I didn't like the cut of her gym. And I remember one day in one lesson that my mate threw a rubber at her head, right? Classic. And she turned around and she, yeah, I remember I told this story in American once and they thought I was talking about a condom. I was like, no, a rubber is an eraser, we call it.

And she turned around, she saw it was me and she just was fuming. It wasn't me, but obviously I'm no snitch. I'm not going to be like, it was him. Obviously I took the rap for it. And she kicked me out of the drama class, right? This was GCSE as well. She kicked me out and she said, all right, Asim. She went, you need to earn your grade back.

And I went, all right. She went, you need to come in on time. You need to do ba ba ba. And I went, I didn't. I really tried hard for the next like six months. I came in on time. I wasn't being naughty. I helped my group with their final production.

This is where the pop-a-dom became. I was going to say. I wrote it. I directed it. I gave myself a tiny part because I thought, you know, I might not get graded here. So it was called the pop-a-dom father. And it was like, it was like the Asian version of the Godfather.

And it was really, it was really fucking good. Like it was funny, sweet. It was about, you know, you've gone to this day on my door's wedding. And he was eating pop-a-doms. And, you know, it was fucking ridiculous. And there was like, you know, shooting going on and like, lusty flying everywhere.

You know, I went to school in Houselow. So it was like, you know, very Asian. Yeah. And then at the end of it, like, I was like, okay, I think I've really done a good job here. I hope I get a grade. I hope I get a GCSE, right? Even my whole group, they wrote a letter to the teacher saying, look, we think Asim's deserved.

He's done great. She still didn't grade me. So I basically left school with a U in GCSE. And then I quit any kind of drama or acting for years because I thought, oh, I'm not good enough. Or it really disheartened me. And then for years, I didn't do anything. I went into like, you know, like film and media

and, you know, script writing and all behind the camera because it really knocked my confidence. And it's amazing like how powerful teachers can be. Like a great teacher, you'll never forget. And I still am not over that. Like I still think she did me so wrong, you know? I'm the same, man. I've got a teacher like that.

Every time I think about her, I get absolutely furious still. And you want to go up to her as an adult and say everything that you were mature enough to be able to like articulate when you were that age. Exactly. Exactly. And I think deep down, like, you know, she's probably seen me in doing stuff and all that.

Like I was very tempted to go up to after the BAFTA and being like, dear Lord, you want to sell it all. You ruin my drama GCSE so you can have the money. I'm joking. I am kind of over it. But I know what you mean, James. I still get a little bit kind of frustrated and sad because I do think it's important.

And I think teachers, they should recognize like, I was a good kid. I was a creative kid who clearly had a lot of good ideas. Okay, I might be a bit of a shit, but you need to get like, they're kids. We're kids, you know what I mean? Like on the complete flip side, my English teacher, absolute fucking legend.

He used to listen to my old rap songs and he used to like talk about hip hop with me. You know, he would know when I'd come in stinking of weed. He would be like, he would just always chat to me and he's still my friend today. Until this day, we're still mates. So that goes to show you, and he gave me all the confidence in the world

to be a writer, to, you know, English I loved and playing with the language and very nurturing as a, you know what I mean? As a teacher, that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to nurture these kids and give them a chance, man. And I was still a little dickhead, but you know, so just the flip side,

and it goes to show you how important teaching is. It can change, it can shape a kid's life, you know? I don't think we've ever had as open and in-depth and earnest and vulnerable answer to poppadoms or bread ever. Yeah. And I absolutely love that answer, really lovely answer, but I'll be honest, that's in the whole time you're talking there,

I wanted to ask more questions about the plot of the poppadom father. Yeah, yeah, obviously, we want to know what happens in the poppadom father. Well, I know that we, I remember when it started, I did the, but like in an Indian, I was like, Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

And the dub-la came. It was amazing, I'm telling you. You come to the day of my dog. I remember we used to say, arcs when we were younger, we used to say, not ask, we used to go, arcs, me for this, like, when I was younger, I used to say, but I don't know why,

I think it was like a class thing, like, you know, like if you were working class and foreign, you would say arcs, and we also used to say, critics. Instead of Chris. Yeah. I used to go on, I'll ask your mom for some gifts. I saw and we know. And the W's of these all over. I really want so many winners. Ask your mom for some clips. She won't give it to me, but

she'll give it to you. Oh, except for. And we had all of that in the popular. That was great. Was there ever take on the horse's head in the bed thing? Yeah. Did you like, did you do your version of that? No, we didn't. Now, we didn't get to, we were, I remember we were discussing that and it was was going to be a dog, a dog instead. But it was just, we didn't really have the props for it. And then we wanted someone to play the dead dog. And this one guy was like, Oh, what? So I'm going to pay the dead dog and have no lines. He was like, it took it as a bit of a slap. So we just kind of left that bit out.

What part were you? You said you gave yourself a small part. Do you remember? I was a cleaner. I just, I came in one scene and just sweeped up something on the left. And it wasn't even you that through the rubber. This is what's really upsetting me about this. All of this is for no reason because it, who threw the rubber us in? It was my mate, it was my mate, Nick. Right. Okay. Now we can say names. You know, sometimes people have those conversations about restaurants they go to. I don't have those. I don't have that kind of time. I don't have the space in my brain to log in and talk about what restaurants I've been to.

I'm not going to do it. I'm going to go to 7-Eleven and I'm going to go to Magias. When you say there's no space in your brain to log in and do that. What do you think is like taking up the space? What are you thinking about? Just more space. I think you know that. What are you thinking about instead? That's like something you've been through. I'm trying not to think about stuff. Right. You're trying to clear your mind as much as possible. I want to be involved in a religion that doesn't let women in.

Pardon me? Like the guy who sits under the tree in meditation and he's like, I don't need food. Yeah. Women are stupid. I'm involved. I want to be that guy. You want to be the man. You ask him something tangible that happens in every day and he's like, I don't know, man. I'm just all energy. I'm one with the earth. Why does he hate women, that guy?

Well, he doesn't hate them. He just sees them as subservient. And they just take care of everything while he sits under the tree and is involved. So you want to be that guy? Yeah. Right. But where does that leave you as a woman? I no longer exist. But you're the man in this scenario. Correct.

You would like to be a man who hates women. Okay. Not hates, but sees them as subservient. Yes. Okay. Do you want to just do this just for the main course or for the remainder of the meal? Yeah. Feed this man. You're so sweet. You're giving me an out on this too.

Yeah. You can just be the man who hates women under the tree for the main course. But also eats bolognese. Yeah. You need to eat the bolognese. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be that guy for the main course. Okay. Great. And then wait till you see what I'm going to be for the next course. Can we, I want to get more of an idea of this man.

So like, can you be the man now? And I'm approaching you under the tree. Okay. And what's his name first of all? Um, Guru Dave. Guru Dave. Hello Guru Dave. I've walked many miles to see you.

I wondered if you could tell me I'm having such a lot of stress in my personal life at the minute. The washing machine broke and my socks were really wet. And I think I'm going to have to go and constantly top up the dryer. That's you. That's you. Stop. And then he takes his branch and whips you on the head. Thank you.

And if you keep talking, you get an eye poke. And then you're half blind. Then see how much you care about your socks and your bitching. Also, try going on a hunger strike for two days and then get back to me. You're eating bolognese Guru Dave. About your problems. You can't eat. You can't tell me I was going on a hunger strike.

You don't pay attention to what I'm doing. Oh, you eat bolognese. Do I eat bolognese? Yeah. You don't know. You don't know what I do. You go spaghetti hugging on your mouth right now. I can have a spaghetti coming out of my nose.

It doesn't mean I'm eating it. I barf it up after this, guys. Oh, Guru Dave's got his teeth. How long do you want this? He's so evolved, but also has an eating disorder. How long do you want the strands of spaghetti to be? Great question. Are you going to answer it as Marilyn or Guru Dave?

Well, Guru Dave won long string at a time that goes in his nasal passage all the way down and then goes out because he wants everything to be connected. So he wants it hanging out of his nose and his butt at the same time. I'm afraid so. And you just pull one end and it would come out the other. I'm sorry, but that's what he wants. Is he going to floss his whole body? It's a body floss.

It goes in his nose, not his mouth. And I'm sorry about that, but that's what it is. Oh, you don't need to apologize. This is Guru Dave. Yeah, this is not you, it's Guru Dave. This is how he cleanses his inside. With a big, big, long piece of spaghetti. One long piece of spaghetti which he inserts in his nose and not his mouth.

And do you want the sausage in there as well? You can get sausage in there. No sausage. No sausage. No meat. It's a fish boil. But he ruins it. No way.

You want the full meal in there, the potato, the corn, the sausage, the prawns. Sausage is savage. Sausage is savage. Trouble in paradise. You two were on the same page for a while there. Now sausage is divided. It's always the way though, isn't it? What do you think, right?

You know the king prawns? Let's just pretend for a while that, you know, king prawns are a civilization in their own right. If they have someone who's in charge, what would they call that person, that prawn? Yeah. Because they're all called king prawns. He's the prawn. That's just the prawn. So the king and the king prawn?

It's just prawn. You don't even have to, you don't kick him, it's just prawn. So he's in charge because he's not a king? No, no, no, it's not that he's not a king. It's just that everybody else is king, king, king, king, king. So that's regular. Yeah. So he's different.

He's just prawn. See, he's the prawn. The prawn, the prawn. You have to have the prawn in there. Yeah. The prawn. There's not the king prawns, but he's the prawn. Yeah.

Because originally you said prawn. Yeah. No, I said the prawn. Well, we recorded it down here, so. Let's go, you go. You go right back, right now. I agree. I agree.

Don't take. I agree that the prawn makes more sense. But at one point he said, he's just prawn. He's just prawn. And I love the thought of everyone just going, hey prawn. I just called it in prawn. And everyone else is king prawn. Actually, I'll say that.

The, that's what you, the is more commanding, isn't it? It is. The prawn. Because then everyone will start putting D.A. and start defeating it. You don't want that. You don't want to be damned. Then there'll be a rapper called the prawn rapper and you don't want that. No.

I do. A rapping prawn called the prawn rapper. Yeah, definitely. What's he going to rap about when in the sausage? Yeah. Not being allowed to hang out in the jacuzzi with a sausage. The prawn rapper, the prawn rapper sat in the jacuzzi that's all the seafood boil. Yeah.

Like rapping about being a prawn. Of course I want that. Who wouldn't want that? Still though, very difficult to come up with words that rhyme with sausage. So, the prawn is really in trouble. Yeah. Maybe if he changes the way he says sausage. You might say sausage.

He's a rapper. He can do that. I can do that. Yeah, he can do that. He says sausage. Let's say he calls it sausage instead of sausage. What words does that open him up to? What words out there?

Rhymes with sausage. Look, now it's sausage. See. No, it's the siege. Yeah. Trees. Trees rhymes with sausage, doesn't it? If you say it right.

Why are you crossing your arms? I'm kind of excited because I want to just keep this going for a long time. So. Well, it's because me and Tanya really acted like we'd solve the problem there. When Tanya said he could change it to sausage and we were both like, yeah, yeah, that would work. That would solve the problem. Now he's got a veritable dictionary in front of it.

Yeah. So, you've got siege and trees so far that rhymes with sausage. Bees. Bees. Knees. You could say, I'd give you the sausage and have you on your knees. That's a good song. Oh, yeah, that's a good song.

I'm not denying that's a good song. Teach you about the birds and the bees. See. Yeah. See. See sort of works. Why don't you say sausage? It changes the open you up, babe.

Just change it. Like my teens, I grew up in Southeast London in the 90s and at that time, UK Garage was a big thing, right? And especially on the old road, that was the sort of the beating heart of the UK Garage scene, right? And Garage, their whole thing was like sexy and stylish, right? You had to come looking nice, yeah? So, a lot of the things would be like no caps, no trainers, no attitude, right?

Those were the three things about not getting into a club. And sometimes, well, one time, I didn't actually do it. So, I'm using some license here. A friend of mine turned up with trainers on and probably a little bit of attitude. And we were turned away. And then someone said, just take your black socks off, put them over your trainers. And he did. And we sailed on in to Cookies and Cream Garage night.

Cookies and Cream. Wow. Cookies and Cream. Food related, immediately. Exactly. See, that story did come round. You knew what you were doing. Were the bouncers letting that slide?

Did they know the sock trick or were they just not looking properly? And they thought it was... They didn't blink. They just thought he had big shoes on. They just thought he had big, woolly shoes. Exactly, big, fluffy shoes. He thought none the wiser. He thought he'd gone home and got changed into some respectable shoes.

Alas, no. It was a roost. If someone was to make a film about the 90s UK garage scene, I mean, we already know you definitely want to be in it. I do. It's your upbringing, it's where you come from. But like, who would you want to play in that film? If you look back at the garage scene, all the big names in it, all the big players,

who would you want to play? Well, two local celebrities where I grew up were two emcees called Nicky S and Nike. Oh, yeah. And I remember once, I was really, I was in this place called the Paradise Bar in Broccoli and Nicky S had just done a storm in set. People were really sort of in awe of him. And he came walking towards me and he made eye contact with me and he put his fist up to fist bump me.

And I put my fist up. I thought he knows who I am and he sailed straight past me and fist bumped him behind me. Oh, no. I would say Nicky S gets his fist bumps ready too early in that case. I think that's not your fault. Exactly. That is not your fault. But the sort of UK garage voice, I don't know if you, maybe you don't,

if you weren't that sort of o-fame UK garage radio in the 90s, it was that sort of like ladies crew, bubble in fresh. You know, that sort of like shout out to all the ladies in the venue. It's going to be a roadblock event. It was like no one has ever spoken like that. And I don't know why, I don't know how they settled on that voice as the voice to get people jazzed up about the garage night. Who was the first guy to do that voice?

And at what point did everyone go, yeah, well, we're going to stick with this. We're going to stick with that. Listen, we should probably do an advert for this club night. Well, how do you even sound on an advert? Ladies, let me tell you, it's going to be a bang in night. And what does bubbling fresh mean? Because I've heard people say that before. Well, bubbling is dancing.

And fresh is real fresh dancing. Oh, I see. Speaking of voices, I didn't know what you really sounded like, Rafe, until just now. Are you surprised? Yeah, I've seen you in a lot of films, a lot of TV. And I think I've only heard you speak like this in Shaun of the Dead. Oh, yeah. I don't think I've heard you use this voice anywhere else.

I'm literally putting it on now. This is not how I speak. I speak like that garage voice. That's how I usually talk. How was your day at school? It was like to your kids. What are you thinking for dinner? Ladies.

Lady, this is how I sound, yeah. So I have a fake name on Yelp. And now we're jumping apps. But on Yelp, I have a fake name and a fake picture. And I review there, it's still Paul, but it's a different last name. It's an older man with a beard. Cheersing a green drink. Like he has a green drink.

I love that as my profile pic. And then I will leave a nice review. But then whenever I finish it, they're like, longer, please. And I'm like, I've given it to you. I've given you the rating. I told you it was good. Like why do I need to get in? I have to write an article for this?

Do you write the review? Is that sort of what you think in the reviews? Or is it what the healthy old man thinks? No, it is. Yes, I am. My character work does not go that deep on Yelp. I wish it to go. I should. It should be the old man.

Healthy old man. Yeah, healthy old man. He'd get like a running story with him as well. He's married in the first one, but he's marriage falls apart gradually. You know, I used to go here with my wife. It should maybe even be a little bit more like bizarre. Like my wife was killed in a jet ski accident.

Like, you know, there's a bizarre way that she was murdered. Maybe I did it. Yeah, I think it has to end up where you did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of like the jinx. So by the end, it's like, yeah, you accept it. I admitted I did it all. I did it all.

And anyway, this is the best place to get your auto, your oil changed. What do you think? And I will be asking this for every question the healthy old man would want. No, the healthy old man would definitely want it. I mean, he would do still because the bubbles make him a little, you know,

the interjection is a little. And they remind him of when his wife's last breath from under the sea. Let me ask you guys this question. I watched it go down. And I wish I knew how to swim. I wish. I just didn't know.

But then there's like a picture that comes out where I was swimming. I was actually a swimming champion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Child and my story doesn't take. Also, starter wise, what's the healthy old man having? The healthy old man. Well, the healthy old man is going to do something very nice.

It's going to be like an endive, but there'll be some things in like a, almost like a kind of like a lettuce cup, but an endive cup. Yeah, yeah. Delicious, nice, respectful. A little bit of spice to it, but not too much. That's not going to kick too much.

The last thing the healthy old man is doing is filling up on bread, right? Exactly. He is avoiding bread at all costs. He's not had bread since 1986. Because he knows he's got limited time. He's got to keep it all in health. Yeah.

He's like, oh, this reminds me of my, I used to have a allotment myself and I'd grow my own vegetables. Yeah. You'd look into it and be like, he didn't have an allotment. He just stole. He stole from this extra neighbor.

Yeah. All that I had to get. Yeah, he's always like, like Peter Rabbit. We did have an allotment. And everything he planted died. And they were like, why? What's under there? What's under that soil?

That soil is healthy, old man. That's the healthy old man. It's made of people. The reason why the fertilizer is so good is it's dead corpse. Oh, no. Is that what's in the green drink? Oh, no.

Oh, no. Healthy old man's drinking people. He's the sweeny Todd of Gartner, this man. He just put a little ginger in there and it goes down to smooth. Healthy old man. And before we move on, what's the healthy old man having for his man?

Healthy old man is going to do something that I feel like is going to be nice, which is like a broiled fish. You know, it's going to have some flavor and it's going to be a white fish, a flaky white fish. And I think that there's going to be capers, not an overwhelming amount of capers. And I would put underneath it nothing,

not like a pasta, not even a risotto. I would just say for the healthy old man, I think it's going to be just very simple garnish, but it will be an edible garnish, maybe like a green pepper, a yellow pepper, just a little bit to give it some color. So it doesn't have a white fish on a plate. Yeah.

And it doesn't remind him of anyone's birthday, I don't mind. No, no, no, no. You don't want to think about the birthday. I mean, especially because his birthday, he shared with his wife. And that is, yeah, it's a tricky thing. You digged out, they were twins?

They were brother and sister. They were brother and sister. They were left the country because they, their love was forbidden. They could never make babies. That's why you had to kill her. Look, you know what, just like, honestly, the truth is their parents died.

They left them money. He didn't want to split it. He wanted to take that money and start a brand new life. That's what happened to that healthy old man. Also, I feel like going back to your side dish, that this salad bar is, this is where you and the healthy old man cross paths. This is where I see him.

I feel like you. Now, he's not going to come over on the cheese side, but I see him and we make eyes, and he gives me a little, a little nod. Yeah, yeah, I see him. Healthy, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I see this green glass.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, hello. And then maybe he puts his finger to his lip and goes, shh, yeah. Yeah, I wasn't here. You didn't see me here. H-O-M. Maybe he's dressed in like the server uniform

for Fogger to Chow, and then he takes his name badge off, just sneaks out the back. Yeah. Yeah. Where did my server go? The old man. There's an old man who works it.

Or you see him like, you see him like subtly walk by a table and scoop a credit card, like puts his hand down like, I'm having trouble walking. And this takes a credit card off. I'm like, I make eye contact with him. Yeah.

And there's a moment. And he's like, and I don't say anything, he doesn't say anything. I don't even have to ask you what the healthy old man's drinking, because we all know he likes green drink. Oh yeah, green drink. Yeah, he's got green drink.

Yeah, green drink is definitely there. Yeah. I got to show you the picture of the old man. Yeah, you do. Yeah. I think you're picturing him older than, now I want to find an older picture, because I think your picture

is slightly older than he is, but I like that idea that he is older. I mean, you can send us that picture, and we'll use it to promote this podcast. Oh, oh my gosh. All right. I am definitely going to do that. I got to get that in there.

So good. I'm loving the old man. I'm going to, here it is right here. He's so walkless. He's great. I love it. Yeah. He's not even that.

He's not even that. Old man. He's kidding. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, I like him. I like him older. It's funny that he's a healthy old man.

He's like probably 50 max. Yeah, I know. He's a lovely, he's not even fully gray, but there's something about him that is like, it's a great awkward shot of him. Yeah. Just on the top of his head's cut off. Yeah, it's okay.

Yeah. It's like, what I found about it was, I was like, this feels like a real picture. Like, you know, and that's what you really have to kind of grab on. Healthy old man, who was it? He would leave reviews on website. Yeah.

And before we read your order back to you, what's healthy old man getting for dessert? Healthy old man is getting a dark chocolate. He's just going to have a bite of it. You know, it's going to be a cake. It's not going to be too, too decadent. Probably it will be, I'm trying to think of what he would really want.

You know what? Actually, I'm going to go back and say like, old man, a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Yeah. Just a plain scoop of vanilla. And he'd be going, oh, I'm being so bad. Yeah, I'm being real bad. Yeah.

All I just said, yeah, that was bad. Thanks, Paul Sheer. Lovely to hear from Paul and the healthy old man there. Now, James, that episode was recorded when we were in Los Angeles before the global pandemic. So we were just sort of dipping our toe into Hollywood life. Little did we know at the time that you yourself

would then go on to be the star of a Hollywood film. Star of all Hollywood, actually. Yeah. The talk of the town. You are the talk of the town in Hollywood, Hollywood town. There's talk of letting you live in one of the O's. Yeah. Me, James Corden and Romesh Ranganathan

all going to live in the big O together, running around it on our little hamster wheel. Is it one O that you're living together, or do you each get an O? We all live in the one O and it spins around like a hamster wheel and we all can run on it together. Yes, because, of course, you were all mice. Yes.

And you spent the rest of the year on off-men. You're trying to get acting tips because it's been such a busy acting year for you. Yes. So here's a little clip of something relating to that from the Martin Freeman episode. I also kind of want to ask you if you can still do the Fargo voice these days,

or can you not do it at home? It takes a bit of a run-up, to be honest, James. It takes a little bit of a warm-up. I don't want to make you perform for us, Martin. I mean, it was fairly, it was obvious at the beginning of the episode that you were angling for that. James, we all ignored it and we moved on. Martin was very classy.

He just decided to sort of segue into the next bit. Yes. What would really make me happy is you trying it. Oh, yeah, that would make me happy. I'm very bad at accents. But that's why it's going to be fun. If, why don't you say, what would you like for your dessert as a Minnesotan?

Me and Martin have naturally braced ourselves. Have you noticed? Yeah, yeah, it's really hard. I can't really get past okay then. Okay, Martin, what would be... What be? I kind of need to know your dessert choice there, Martin. If you...

Oh, I'll fake that. I need to know your... It's not bad. It's a bloody gallant effort. I'm trying, I'm genuinely trying. I think you'd hit the R's more, hit the R samples on my name and on the dessert. Martin?

No, I think it's the rest of it. Martin? No, no, I'm doing... Oh, that's good. Martin. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dessert.

Yeah, dessert. I'm getting better in mealtime already. Improving, yeah, definitely. Imagine if you were in a restaurant and the way to came over and just started going, okay, okay, okay, yeah, okay, okay. Getting into character. What be you went for dessert there?

No, I don't know. I don't know. Can I see the manager, please? This is a lot of fun. I like you doing accents. Can we just throw accents at you? If you want to... I mean, it serves me right for trying to make you do the voice.

So, yeah, I think so. But like, look, can you do a thing where you don't pause? Because let's face it. Yes. It's a bit more serious for me if I do a lot of shit accents, because it's my job, right? You've got your own thing going on, James.

Do you mean that you're untouched by... Like if you... Okay, you does a bad Welsh. No one gives a shit. So, if I just say an accent, a region, I'll keep it in Britain. I'll keep it in Britain. And you've just got to...

Without pausing, just ask me what I want for dessert in that accent, okay? Yeah, okay, yeah. Belfast. Oh, fuck off. Start off with the one that'll get me the most trouble. It's good. That's the sort of thing they say,

but you need to work on the accent a bit more. What would you like for dessert? What the hell is that? I'm trying not to think. I'm trying not to think for dessert. One more, one more. Birmingham. What would you like for dessert?

Wow. They are all quite similar, aren't they? There's a definite similarity between all of them. And we just go to the show, we're all one big family. The human race is one big family. When I'm not allowed to think about it, I really do surprise myself with what comes out my mouth, and I'm not allowed to think about it at all,

and I just have to go for it. It's a shock to me when it happens. Well, and to all of us, but I think it's quite good to not let your brain get in the way, and just go for it, do you know what I mean? And we all admire that more, the fact that you've gone for it. We should ask you dessert properly, really,

but I also want to know how long it took you to do the Fargo accent. Really? James. All I wanted to talk about on this episode is the Fargo accent. Yeah, we know. And I don't know why everyone's getting in the way of it.

You could have got my number from someone, James. We've got mutual friends, and you could have just texted me. There we go, James. Do you think Martin helped you with your acting there? He certainly did, Ed. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hang on.

Sorry, I was supposed to be recording this with James Acaster. Who's this? Oh, I'm from Fargo. Wow. That's amazing. Hello. I didn't realize we were having guests on this.

So this was just supposed to be me and James. This is just like a clips thing. Oh, you betcha. What's your name? You betcha. Why do you keep saying everything twice, slightly differently? Oh, no reason.

Oh, pretty good. OK, we're sort of straying towards Shrek territory there, aren't we? I don't know about that, Ed. So this year, we also reached our 100th episode. It was a momentous occasion where we got to reveal our own – whoever that is, can you go away and get James back?

We revealed our own dream menus to our special guest genie, Claudia Winckelman. Let's have a little listen to some highlights from that. Before I do anything, I just like to say out loud, this is quite major. This is not what normally happens, because I am honored. That's why I'm going to use that word,

to welcome James and Ed to the dream restaurant. Thank you very much, Claudia. There we go. Thank you. We're honored to have you. There we go. Oh, the dream restaurant has a bird in it today. Well, we're into heating.

I am a facilitator today, because what's happening, just to share with the group, it's your 100th episode of the best podcast of all time, let's be honest. Correct. And today, you two, this is huge. I'm going to share your menus. Yes, and I've given you temporarily

the genie powers. I've transferred them over to you. Thank you. We did the ceremony beforehand. Yeah, I mean, it was a long ceremony, three and a half hours of humming. Yes, a lot of humming. And you were very good throughout.

You were very respectful. Now, Claudia, obviously the idea is you use those genie powers to create our dream menus when we ask for them. But obviously, while you've got them, it would seem a shame to not use them for some other stuff. Is there anything else you'll be using the genie powers for? No, this is what everyone needs to grasp is this is not about me. This is what you two like doing.

You like asking questions. You have an opinion about a side dish. You're like, what spoon would you use with that? Now this is on you two. You spotted my trick there, Claudia. I'm so nervous about doing my dream menu. I've just realized, as I'm trying to do it, that it's an awful thing to ask someone

to put someone in this position. And we've done it 99 times. So I was trying to ask you what you do, the genie powers, to try and make this about you rather than us, because I'm terrified. Nothing to do with me, mate, nothing to do with me. Let me ask you this. Have you always, when you've talked to other people,

thought, that's madness. I'd never choose that. Have you always, in the back of your head, got your dream menu? No, absolutely not. Because I've done it, but this is what my menu is now, as of this second. But if you asked me tomorrow, it would be different. That's very fickle.

That's very fickle and a bit weird. Yeah, that's the lucky thing about being the host. Fingers crossed. We do another 100 episodes after this. And on 200, we could do another one of these. And we can show how we've grown as people. That's what this podcast is really about. Oh, what would be adorable is if you had exactly the same.

Oh, that would be sweet. If you went, do you know what? I was right. Do you know what? There are some things on this menu. Because actually, you said about how we always had it in the back of our heads. If I'm honest, I've always had a note in my phone where I've written down all the things that are contenders.

Wow. And any time I have anything that's amazing, I've put it in my Google notes because I thought, well, I'm going to have to do this one day clearly. Didn't know when it would be. But I knew the day would come. That's quite erotic. So you're at dinner with your girlfriend,

and you say, hold on a sec, darling. I've just had a buttered parsnip with a honey glaze. I'm going to stop you there and wrote it in. Sometimes I've got the parsnip in my mouth. My eyes are closed. I'm in ecstasy, and my hands are still writing down in the notes. Manically.

The parsnip. James, who have you shared this menu with? Did you want to check with anyone? Was it a parent? Was it a friend? I did check with my girlfriend. I did tell her. Well, I didn't check with her, actually.

She was nosy. And wanted to know what it was beforehand. Because you're constantly in Google notes. She thinks you're having an affair. But you can do it. Yeah, yeah. She just doesn't believe me. She's like, well, let me see the notes then.

She knows, James. She knows he's definitely not having an affair. Her first thought was he's probably writing that down in a note to remind himself later on. Yeah, he's probably writing down what food he likes. Always remembered an album that he likes in 2016. Absolute loser, this guy. But yeah, I did tell.

And she didn't, you know, there wasn't a point where she went, what? So I think, yeah, that was reassuring. But there is some things on it, which I don't know. There's potential for crossover with Ed's menu here. And I would be excited if we get, I don't know if there's a special rule, where if we say the same thing, something happens

in the dream restaurant. I think we have to kiss. We have to kiss, don't we? No, well, not everybody has to stop what they're doing. Step away from Zoom and do a roly-poly. OK, deal. That's what happens in our house. If something major happens, just, all right, guys,

mat out, let's do it. And I'm 49, that's quite something. Ed, is there anything that has made you slightly nervous? What's giving you the wobbles? Well, I mean, all of it gives me the wobbles. But in a good way, as in, I'll slap my tummy after I've eaten it. But I think, I've maybe, have I messed with the format?

As I went through it, I found our format too restrictive. Goodness. So I've danced around the... That's bold. I've danced around the outskirts of the format. But in a way that previous guests have done, so I'm hoping it'll be allowed. Yes.

Are you nervous? Because the people who listen to this show love this show. They love the two of you. They often listen to episodes more than once. Are you thinking about pleasing them? Are you thinking about your fans, the off-menu people who make memes? I've still got ones coming to me of Mr Burns.

You know, if they go, well, James has let us down because he's chosen Partridge. I mean, are... Are you worried about that? No, firstly, I'm not worried about James choosing Partridge. Correct. Nobody would choose Partridge. Not even a Partridge. Well, especially a Partridge.

Continue. Open the notes. I think the people who listen to this will be happy with a lot of different outcomes. So if they're just straight up nice menus and they think they sound delicious, they'll be like, yes, we're on board with that. We like food.

If the menus are awful, they'll enjoy making fun of us on the internet. If me and James really come to blows over something, that's... I think that's the best outcome for them. You know, if the worst thing happens and I do what everyone wants me to do, which I'm not going to say out loud now,

James will absolutely lose his mind. Well, I'm not sure. I've been thinking about that. I've been thinking about what if he does it and if he does it, what am I going to do? And in this instance, I'll be so consoled by my own menu that it won't affect me as much. Normally, the menu that the guest brings to the Dream Restaurant

is the only menu I get to hear that day. And when they do something horrible, it really annoys me because I'm like, oh, we had such a lovely chat now on this. But now I get to conjure up my own... Well, Claudia conjures up my dream meal for me. So maybe, but I don't know. I still might...

I don't know how I'm going to feel if he does it. I've got to ask you a question, if that's all right. And there's going to be sound effects and I'm excited. Still or sparkling water? Do you know what? It's so exciting having to ask to us and having Claudia ask us this. James, do yours go for the same thing?

What are you going to have? Well, here's the thing, though. I'm worried because I actually haven't checked with Benito as to whether there's a secret ingredient for this episode. And normally, the secret ingredient is something that Ed and I, as the hosts, don't like. I know that you hate water. I'm now worried that the joke is

me and Ed get kicked out immediately during the water course. No, there is no secret ingredient. That's only for you two to do. No. I relax. So I'm holding two bottles. Oh, do you like your view of the window with the pond and the 24-hour sunset, sir?

What can I pour you? Here's the thing. So if I had to choose between still or sparkling water, I'd choose still water. And I think I'd be more excited if it had some cucumber in it and some maybe... You appeared to be eating in a spa. Huh?

You appeared to be eating in a spa, James. Yes, well, I mean, A, you drink water. So I don't know if you're eating a glass of water or Ed like a madman. Yeah, but why put cucumber in it? It just makes everything taste like cucumber. Oh, yeah. That's the point about it in stuff, too. Sorry. I didn't...

I actually said to myself before this, I didn't want... I didn't want this to be a fight because I think James has excellent taste. Let him live. He wants a big pool and some cucumber water and a foot rub. It's a very profound point, Ed, to point out that when you add an ingredient to something, it then tastes of that ingredient.

And I agree that if you add cucumber, it tastes like cucumber. I like the cucumber when it's sliced really long. Oh, yeah. When they do the diagonal slice. Yeah, yeah. Got you. Got you. Why do you prefer that? Tastes better. Here's the thing.

This is the only one where I was like, everything else on my menu I'm excited about. The water course, I really wanted... Because I wanted to nail every single part of this menu. Yeah. And the water course, I was like, nothing's inspiring me here. I haven't had a water somewhere that's really blown my mind.

And I thought, I know who's hosting this. They might let me do an immediate loophole. Of course I will. And just replace the water. I've said what I would have still or sparkling. Yeah. And we know that. And also it's your show. Loophole away.

But maybe if I craft open a can. Causton, causton, causton press. It's the water course and causton is the biggest. He's written the song. You can't deny that. He wants a causton press. It's got water in it. To be fair, I've gone sparkling, really.

It's a mildly sparkling soft drink. Rhubarb, causton press. It's got apples in it. It's mainly apple-based, but then this is the rhubarb flavor. I love it. I drink it so much. To me, it's like water.

This is what my logic is. I love it so much that it's just become a normal flavor to me. I wouldn't really pick it as my dream drink and stuff like that because I just drink it all the time. It's my water. It's causton press. And so therefore, if I want to be excited about every element of this meal,

I would want to sit down in a restaurant, buy the big window, see the pond, and the waiter just comes over and pours everyone on the table a glass of causton press from a jug and walks away. And everyone goes, well, this is a surprising start to our meal at Noma. Rhubarb?

Yeah. Yeah. I've come all the way to Denmark. I'm having rhubarb. Okay. I think, Ed, if there's no objection, I think that's okay. Well, Claudia, I can't object because you'll find that why when I give you my choice

it's a little sparkling water. Oh, gosh. Here we go. The only thing I want to ask you about the causton press, rhubarb, is that in a short glass or a tall glass? And does it have ice? And would you be wanting a straw?

Just to really... That's good. Got to drill down. I've got to drill. I'd like those details, please. Ice is a con, so I'm not having ice. Don't want to get me that way.

No one's... Again, that's a very James A. Castler phrase. You're not going to get me that way. No one's trying to get you, mate. Absolutely, no one's trying to get you. Just to chat. Everyone's trying to get me on this. I'm not being tricked by the ice.

Okay. Ice fills up the glass, takes up the space that could be used for causton press, unless the ice cubes are frozen causton press. Which I'll be open to... Actually, that's what I want. Yeah, yeah, that's what you want, mate. Yeah, but I don't want cubes.

I want the crushed ice that's made of causton press, fill the glass up with that, pour the causton press on it. That's what I'd like. So it's a jug of causton press in the middle of the table that I can keep on topping up my glass, but it's crushed ice that is made from causton press. But that's going to bang into your teeth.

Are you using a straw? No. No. I've never seen you use a straw. Yeah, I'm not really a straw guy. He can't purse his lips, Claudia. He has an open mouth all the time. Do you know what, though?

I would use a straw if it was one of those novelty curly straws. Yeah, round the bends, or they said happy birthday. Yeah, yeah, I like watching that. That's really fun. Okay. So, yeah, maybe I'd have one of those straws, but... I'm very happy with your answer. Are you delighted with that?

Is that made... I'm really happy with it because... More palatable. Especially the crushed ice, because I hate ice cubes, but then I remembered I actually love crushed ice, and I think it's really cool. So, like, actually, I'm really happy with that, especially if it's the same flavour as the drink.

I know what you mean. I think crushed ice is really cool, and I think it comes from when you go over to a friend's house when you're younger and they have that fridge with the ice machine on the front, and I think I only had like one friend who had that, and I would just spend all day at their house being like, crushed ice or cubes, crushed ice or cubes.

It's so exciting. And crushed ice was the coolest, because you see cubes every day, right? Yeah, I see cubes all the time. No one cares, but also, I don't like a cube of ice in my mouth. It sometimes does that little screechy sound and that. Yeah. Yeah, do you know what I mean?

Benito looks confused. Because you can't purse your lips again, so it just falls out, doesn't it? Can't purse them, just falls out. Everything in this meal is going to fall out my mouth. That's why I'm next to the window. Next to the window with a bib. Yeah.

All right, I'm delighted with that, if you are. Oh, I'm so happy with it. I was worried that I was... Yeah. Do you know what? I was really worried that I was going to immediately get told, no, you can't have that, not by you, but by Edward Gamble. And then I looked at him and realised he's done the same thing.

Yeah. Of course, yes. Ed, I've got to ask you then. So I've just put a bit of jug of crushed rhubarb flavoured fizzy water. Would you like still or sparkling? I'll have a pint of Guinness, please. I can have water at home. I'm not going to my dream restaurant

and kicking off with the water. I can have that at the tap. I'll have two litres of water before I go in to hydrate myself. Oh, disgusting. I'll have easy access to a toilet. And for still or sparkling water, I would like a pint of Guinness, which they still recommend to drink after a marathon as the ultimate hydration tool with iron and other vitamins included.

One pint of giraffe Guinness. I miss it so much. Thank you very much. Bought up a mammoth and immediately. I mean, I feel bad about letting the rhubarb fizzy walk. The rhubarb Causton World, whatever it is, seems to me water that has just sort of made eye contact with some rhubarb flavouring. Sure.

Guinness, I'm going to ask you your drink later. No problem. That's coming up. That's like asking for a side dish for water. It's not. It's still, it's a very hydrating liquid. It's delicious. It's better water, essentially.

Someone's made better water. Water is still the base of beers and stouts. So there's still water in there. It's still mainly water. I have a question. Please. Is it not going to fill you up too much? No.

I mean, I don't know what your menu is. It might just be frise lettuce and a tiny timbal of, but a whole pint of Guinness, you're going to need to have a lie down. No, I am extremely greedy. I do drink. I was, I was actually, when I worked in a pub, I was accused by the landlord of drinking Guinness like water. So I don't know whether I'm going to add that to my portfolio of evidence.

I use, I could, I can swig Guinness. I can knock it back. I could drink four pints of Guinness before I start to feel full, but I would like one pint of draft Guinness, please, for my still or sparkling water course. James, how are you feeling about this? Well, number of questions. Fill in a number of ways.

You respect me massively, obviously. Well, look, I always respect you no matter what, but that doesn't mean I like you. Here's what I've done, Ed. Here's my question to you. Any loophole that I've applied to my menu, my role for myself was I'm not doing any new loopholes, that we haven't had on the podcast before.

They're only loopholes that I've let people get away with on the podcast so that we're playing within the rules. Claudia, when she was on, changed her water to, I believe, a soft drink. So I was like, right, I'm going with Causton Press. Sure. Yes, I swapped it for a mug of macaroni cheese. Yeah, that was it. So.

Okay, well, in many ways, the Guinness kind of has to stand up. Yeah, the Guinness has to stay. Especially if it's Claudia running this dream restaurant today, and she's trying to tell me I'm not allowed Guinness, sat there with a steaming hot mug of pasta. I just wanted to flag it up. My water bottle full of pasta. That's all.

No, and you're right to flag it up. I knew it was going to cause a discussion, but I think we can all agree it's a great choice, and let's move on. How about this? When they finish pouring your Guinness, when they're just finishing it on the tap, just getting to the end, they don't, they don't. Oh, don't.

The heads there, what if they wrote in the phone, H2O? I mean, I'd be impressed. Yeah. I'd be happy with that. If we're all happy to agree with that. Look, I've got a question for you. So this is a different day, and it's you two talking to a guest. Yeah.

It's Dean Gaffney. He comes on, and he says, because what happens with loopholes is they occur normally at the end. You know what I mean? You're 90 minutes in, everyone's jovial, and you go, please can my side dish be a tiramisu? And everyone's like, ah, get out of here. Bye, thanks for coming.

To go in hard with, I'm not having water, is bold. And I'm just wondering if you two are there, Gaffney, whoever it is, I'm obsessed by him. And he asked for that. Where are you going with that? As the creators, as the hosts of the show. Well, if Gaffney asked for a pint of Guinness, so much respect to Gaffney.

Yeah. Of course, because I'd be like, oh, damn it. That's what I would have chosen. We've not done my menu yet. Yeah. Fine. I'd respect Gaffney for choosing a pint of Guinness. If you could argue it like I have,

like there's the marathon evidence, there's the, you know, the actual creation of Guinness, and there's also the, let's not forget what the landlord said to me, Claude, you're at the Rhones Park Tavern. We could drink four pints without even being full. Well, exactly. And I agree, look, I agree, it's a cheeky choice, but I think we're going to have to let it fly.

OK. All right. Man, those are the best menus we've ever had on the podcast. I'm going to say it. Those two guys really nailed it. Yeah, I absolutely agree. But it wasn't just the 100th episode that was a momentous occasion for Off Menu.

We also did our very first live Off Menu shows, James. Yes, it was huge. At the South Bank Centre, thank you to everyone who turned up to the Royal Festival Hall. Sold out. You all masked up. You all follow the protocol. And as far as I know, no one got the Rona.

No one got the Rona, our proudest moment. Also, the shows were quite good themselves. So we can play a little, little few clips of those shows right now, actually. Yeah, I think we should play the listeners, us walking out onto the stage at the start of the show. But also, definitely, we need a clip from the Izzy City episode and the Edgar Wright episode.

Our wonderful live guests, thank you both for doing it so much. We did it! Yes! Oh, yeah, too much. So, hello. Welcome to the second ever Off Menu live. Oh, man. The Off Menu live show, sprinkling the...

Oh, there we go. It's not normal. But honestly, thank fuck you're doing it because I genuinely haven't thought of one. As I was walking out and everyone was cheering, I thought, this is lovely, but I've not written the intro again. So... I've not written one.

No, so we've got sprinkling. What are we sprinkling on? What? Sprinkling what? What did he say? He said Ketwin. He said more. Oh.

I see. Can't sprinkle Kettering. Doesn't understand what you can sprinkle. Also doesn't seem to understand the podcast. Never listened to it before. He's the reason I've stopped touring, if you're wondering. That and the pandemic. Probably actually blame the pandemic more than you, sir.

Let's not kick off on that note, James. Let's not have one of your famous meltdowns this early on. What are we sprinkling? I quit. Taking the... Sprinkling the... The... Sprinkling the...

Some of the things you sprinkle food with. Sprinkling the icing sugar of chat. Okay, straight. I mean, it's amazing how on the nose you are as a person, or isn't it? Just straight to icing sugar. No beating around the bush. Sprinkling the...

You don't sprinkle icing sugar. You snorty. I don't remember you criticising Kettering this much when that guy shouted that out. Accepted that immediately. I had to point out how bad that was. Sprinkling the icing sugar of chat. Over the dough.

Of humour. Bacon in the oven of live entertainment. And producing the doughnut of friendship. That's very good. Pretty good. No, it's really good. So, never made a doughnut. Huh?

Never made a doughnut? Yeah. How do you make a doughnut? Sprinkle icing sugar on some dough and put it in the oven. Right, okay. Have you ever burnt anything on a barbecue that isn't food? I have. That is the most obvious way I've ever seen a comedian

ask a question and then go into their own anecdote. Normally it's slightly more subtle than that. Normally they ask and then they sit there and you can see them going, when's my turn? But that's brilliant just to go, have you ever done this? I have. It's like the worst thing to do on a date, isn't it? Would you burn?

So, when I split up with my ex, I had a box of stuff from our relationship and you know it's really hard. And your ex was Claire Ward, right? Let's be clear. He's not Claire Ward. Burned everything apart from the cookbook she gave you? No, it was a man who's, you know, very nice. It didn't work out and he'd given me...

So, because he didn't work out, you broke up with him? Yeah. Very body-shaming of you. Didn't work out. It was very nice. But I did build a bonfire and put all of his belongings on it. It was a very... It was a mutual breakup and I wish him well.

So, A, it wasn't a bonfire, it was a pre-existing expensive barbecue. And B, it wasn't immediate. So, we'd split up for like eight or nine months. I'd said it's too painful to... Healthier if it was immediate, I think. Healthier if it was just a split. Oh, I fucking hate you. But eight or nine months of stewing and then like,

I'm gonna put it on a barbecue. Sorry though, carry on. So, the reason it was eight or nine months later was because when we first split up, it was too painful to burn everything on the barbecue. It was too painful to get rid of everything. And I didn't want to look at it, but I didn't want to throw it away

because I was like, I need to wait till I've properly got over this. So, my friend said, put it in a shoebox in the top of the wardrobe, right? Yeah. So, I did that. And then about eight or nine months later, she was like, I think you're ready to let go of this relationship,

but you need to get rid of the stuff. And I was like, it feels too weird to give it away because it holds so much emotion. Yeah, I'm putting it in the bin, it's mad. But insane to just put it in the wheelie bin. You don't want to be one of those crazy bin ladies. Yeah. Exactly.

So, yeah, she just said, burn it on the barbecue. And it'll be like symbolic as well because it'll be like you're letting go. So, I lived at that point in Camberwell in a flat chair and my housemate had a really nice expensive barbecue on the balcony. And we laid all the stuff in a big pile on top of the barbecue. And it was like a teddy bear. It's too weird to give this stuff away.

Lighter fluid all over the tip. Eight or nine months later. Is the teddy bear going on first or sort of kindling or? So, the teddy bear went on first. Yeah. That was like a piece of paper that we'd played a game of hangman on at the airport that I'd kept. Right.

Weirder that you kept that than you burnt it, I'd say. Poor guy. Frashed him. Keep that, always remember. Handed him his own ass at hangman. Oh, look at that. That man doesn't look like he's doing okay, does it? I guess someone doesn't know the word on a matter of pay.

Keep this in my pocket until we break up and then I'm going to burn it. The reason I had that was because we decided to go to the airport on New Year's Eve and say destination anywhere and see what happened. But we went to Gatwick at like 7 p.m. on New Year's Eve and there was only one flight and it was to Cameroon. They said it's quite a long flight. You'll be in the air at midnight and have you had your jabs. And we said no.

And then they said, well, there's no more flights. So we went to the pub in Gatwick airport and we played hangman and we also chatted to pilots, children who were waiting for their parents to finish work so they could celebrate New Year's Eve. They were the only people in the whole airport. And one of them gave you a teddy bear. No, that would have been brilliant. The teddy bear was, I think the teddy bear was just like a joke present.

I think in any relationship a teddy bear is given, isn't it? No. It's nice thinking about doing a life when we don't have to answer all the questions like that for putting that situation. I'm thinking, how do I break this to Izzy then? That's not, no. Whoever said it, no regard for your feelings, no. Teddy bear, you burnt it all.

Teddy bear, hangman, some clothes, other bits of paper that were meaningful, like letters and stuff. Someone knows what was in there about him. He's here tonight. I'm not fucking fighting the facts as well. I thought you'd never have a time. We got hard out tonight because we haven't even started the menu yet. Yeah, I think technically we've got 40 minutes.

This is like the reverse of acroid. I'm throwing those in every time for the hardcore as I don't care, I'll do it. I'll keep doing it. Thank you. Thank you for wishing us luck with our projects. Anything else go on the barbecue? Two books, patch 22 and a Snoopy book. Fucking hell.

A lot of this is just stuff you could have donated to a local children's hospital. Well, I know, but they had dedications in them and stuff. Oh, right. Yeah. He really says a lot about this guy. He really paints a vivid picture of him, catch 22 and Snoopy. What a range. He is a whole gambit.

So we put them all on there. A guy who was just living there temporarily poured salt and wine on it. And said a kind of prayer. What the fuck was the prayer? What was the prayer? It was like, gods receive these gifts. Grant, is he the emotional freedom to move on stuff like that? Yeah.

And then God's received. Stab the teddy in the side and the juices ran clear. I love God's receive these gifts. I've got your present. Oh, thank you. Well, I'm a God. So this is going to be pretty impressive. What do you got me?

It's a finished game of hangman I did in an airport. Merry Christmas, God. Are you a Snoopy fan? She said the prayer. God's received these gifts. Yeah. Set it alight. Yeah.

Must have poured lights of fluid on it or something as well. Set it alight. And it burned really majestically for a little while. And then quite quickly it stopped burning. Like everything would burn really quickly. And we were like cheering and stuff. The guy who said the prayer losing his shit. Absolutely loving burning someone else's stuff.

And this guy was, I want to talk a little bit more about this guy because he was only living there temporarily. So you didn't really know him. How quickly was he convinced into this? And how quickly did he suggest pouring salt and wine onto it? He was really into it. So I knew him from college, but he was only living there temporarily. And I feel like he shouldn't have had as much of a stake in it as he did.

I should mention the guy who owned the barbecue on the flat was out. Of course. Yeah. And the guys at the prayer, is he just someone who was always, you know, people know if you need that kind of service. You can call them. I mean, it'd be like. Yeah, he's just a very spiritual person.

Yeah, yeah, spiritual guy. It dies down really quick. Dies down really quickly. And then I realized that something's wrong. And it's only at this point you realize there was something. Hold on guys. There's not a raging fire anymore. Suddenly so bad I haven't seen what we've become.

So I get towards the barbecue and everything's gone. But the teddy bear is like crucified in the position of Jesus and like melted onto the grill of the barbecue. And like dripping down into the barbecue. It was so like it was like it. I don't know. An image of Christ. It was.

So the bottom line is I had to buy Stephen you barbecue. And it was 70 pounds. I got images of like you guys around the barbecue and it's all charred and the bear is just melting through it and that somewhere your ex-boyfriend was just walking around just going I hope he's doing good actually. I feel like I'm in a good place right now. And I think the breakup is for the best. And like I think this space has really done us good.

So like no, I'm sure she's in a good place right now. I had to buy a new barbecue because the bear is dripping through the slots. Still a spark in water. I did. This is maybe too much information, but this is the time for it, isn't it? Maybe I shouldn't tell the story, but I did. Let me just say I had to I was I was bordering on having.

No, I don't know if I want to talk to you. Well, I guess we'll all go home and just imagine when it was forever. But at the minute we're all thinking it was a wank. Let's be coy about it. You're like, well, I've paid 700 quid off. I can do it in the middle of the restaurant. And get my money's worth. Excuse me.

There's your tip. Let's just say frequent toiletries were needed. Yes. And like because I was in the state, emodium was needed. But here's the thing. Right. I'm so glad you said emodium because for a second it sounded like you were doing a lot of coke. It would also have the same effect.

And Patrick Bateman would be proud of me. I was going for the full American psycho effect. Take a lot of coke before dinner. Killer prostitute after dinner. No, the thing was is that like I knew going in I was ill, but I it was Christmas Eve. I booked, you know, it's difficult to get a table there. This story is bleak. Meeting other friends.

Christmas Eve, shit in your pants. You're going to spend 700 quid on a meal. But it was, I just had that kind of, I felt that probably I just looked kind of, you know, kind of gray and sweaty for the entire meal. But it was that thing. It was like Christmas Eve. And we booked a table. I couldn't like, you know, kind of pull the sticky.

So I suffered through it. And it was nice. But that's maybe why I don't remember it as one of the being the best meals. It sounds bleak. Yeah. I mean, was it a family? No, it was just friends. I so want to know, was there any celebs there?

Because if it was Christmas Eve, I really want to know what celebs you're hanging out with on Christmas Eve. It was Ryan Johnson, who I was having dinner with, and his wife, Carina Longworth, another podcast extraordinaire. I think I tried to keep it secret that I was ill. And then it was very clear I was not well back and forth. And really struggling. Once you've done seven trips to the toilet during the meal,

it was obviously something is that, or like you said, a big coke head. How many courses was with meal? I think taking, we're going to this bathroom seven times to take a cake, and it would have been less embarrassing than essentially having diarrhea. Yeah. Yeah. I just like the thought of you trying to style it out, though. Seven trips to the bathroom, you're still trying to come back.

Tidings of comfort and joy, everybody! God bless us, everyone! Were you shitting as the time crossed from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day? I'd be more of a... That's the question. I don't think so. Or I would have liked to have done that on New Year's Eve. Oh, that's the question.

That would have been good. Yeah. Then to kind of, you know, it would have then kind of crossed two calendar years. Do you want to know the worst calendar year crossing of my life? Do it. It was many, many years ago. As it, I can't believe I'm saying this out loud. Everyone's having those moments tonight,

apart from I am coming out of this squeaky clean. As it crossed from one year to the other, and I didn't realise that this was the time, one of my friends had decided to show me two girls one cup on his phone. It's actually quite similar to your Christmas Eve. You now have to share a story where you've been violently ill in a restaurant. Yeah. Well, I've never shipped myself in a restaurant.

It's fine. I didn't actually do it. Yeah, I shipped myself in a steakhouse in New York, LA. Good times. Well, there we go. Well, there we go. Bleesdale. Ah, we're straight in.

There we are. So, we're all aware of Bleesdale, the little punk who writes in suggestions for secret ingredients, and James likes saying his name so much that he's become a character. I've enjoyed it, Ed. And also, though what makes it even more fun is knowing that the more attention that we give this gentleman, the more in danger we are of it turning into an actual problem for us. Like, he might start being weird or something. And I love the more I say Bleesdale, the more I know I'm inviting trouble.

But hopefully, he won't get too big for his boots. It might have started to happen, but luckily at the live show, we cut him down to size. Let's have a little listen to the first ever Bleesdale chant from the Tanya Moore episode, and also, Bleesdale taking his medicine at the live show. We met him at the live show, baby. As always, there is a secret ingredient. If she says it, she's gone. She's out of here.

We don't care how funny she is. She's gone. Sorry. And the secret ingredient this week is dark fruit cider. This was suggested by a listener. I'm not really a dark fruit cider slash cider guy at all, really. No, you know, I don't treat much cider, generally speaking. But when the dark fruit ciders came out, or any of the fruit ciders came out,

I was like, I bet this would be right up my street. Yeah. This would be just, I've got a sweet tooth. Disgusted. Really? Because I would say any site, they do weird salted caramel ciders and stuff. And I would have thought, that's so up your street. Two sickly man.

I've got a sweet tooth, not a sickly tooth. That was suggested by Joe Bleesdale on Twitter. Thank you very much, Joe. Wonderful suggestion. Bleesdale. If you would like. Bleesdale. If you would like to suggest a secret ingredient.

Try and say that. It's really fun. For us to do. You're missing out if you don't say Bleesdale like that. On Twitter, you too can have your name shouted in a sort of football chant by James. Bleesdale. Bleesdale. Yes.

Bleesdale. It's a lot of fun. It does feel nice to say it like that. I bet Bleesdale's done that himself. Bleesdale's over the moon with that at a moment. I bet he said that in the past. I bet he's like, oh yeah, they're doing what I do when I say my name. Yeah.

Bleesdale. What? You think if like in a sort of scenario where everyone's like, who's here? Who's in the room? Yeah. Bleesdale. He does it for himself. Bleesdale. And they're like, yeah, there he is.

All other people are shouting that to him across the street. Bleesdale. It feels good to say it. It does feel good. Well, thank you. Bleesdale, like I say, if you've got your own secret ingredient at Off Menu Official on Twitter is the place to go. Every single episode of Off Menu, we always have a secret ingredient.

Oh yeah, good point. And if the guest says it, we kick them out of the dream restaurant. Now, our guest currently can't hear what's going on. We've made sure that your headphones on playing music. So we're going to let you guys decide what the secret ingredient is for the... Yeah. Genuine excitement. You sad fuckers.

Look who's finally shown up for the fucking... Oh, now you're excited. Let's see it. What would you guys... Do you know what? I didn't think it through. I'm holding my hands up there. That's my fault.

I think we're going to have to do a polite show of hands, and then we're going to go bam, bam, bam. There was already a show for Bleesdale. Back there, you're like, well, that's not fair. Bleesdale is here, though, isn't he? Bleesdale, Bleesdale, Bleesdale, Bleesdale, Bleesdale, Bleesdale, Bleesdale. Bleesdale. Bleesdale.

Sit down, Bleesdale. Come on, mate. Bleesdale in the flesh. A lovely man from there where Bleesdale stood up and then was waving, and everyone's going mad, and he just took his mask off. Does this say, it is me? It is really me. I'm pretty sure this makes me part of the show now,

mask off. Bleesdale. Bleesdale's here. Bleesdale, if you've got an idea for a secret ingredient that we can do tonight, Bleesdale, I think that would be a very special moment. Again, for those of you who don't know, there has been some episodes of the podcast where we have had suggestions from the public as to what the secret ingredient should be. Bleesdale suggested one once, and I really enjoyed shouting his name repeatedly.

Since then, everyone has recommended something for the podcast, food wise, secret ingredients wise, has been called Bleesdale. Any ideas, Bleesdale? Patron Peppers. Patron Peppers, go fuck yourselves, Bleesdale. They're delicious. They're nice. What the fuck?

Bleesdale. How the mighty have fallen. Bleesdale, what the fuck has happened? You knew you were coming here tonight. You must have known this was an option. This was going to happen at some point. You chose Patron Peppers? Why don't you like him?

Too slimy. How the fuck are you cooking them? They shouldn't be slimy. They shouldn't be slimy, man. Maybe you've only had bad patterns. Where have you had your patty pets? Where have you been to get them? Amazingly, in Spain.

In Spain. Well, Bleesdale's a racist. Hates the local cuisine of wherever he goes on holiday. This is absolutely, they can't believe this has happened. Bleesdale, this is ugly. It's turned ugly fast. Oh, that is a real shame from Bleesdale there. Oh dear.

Well, sorry to sour this best of episode. That's a shame. Oh dear, Bleesdale. Let yourself down. Let's try and win things back around, James, because not only did we do our first live shows, we did do some live streams from our homes. We had two virtual redemption dinner parties

where we invited back old guests who'd messed up their menu or said something controversial and gave them a chance to change their menu. So many people watched them all across the world on the live stream. And on the second one, this is probably my favorite off-menu moment of the year. Ivo Graham got pranked.

Ivo Graham was staying in a hotel. He mentioned where he was staying. And this is what happened. This dessert. Ladies and gentlemen, the final guest of the off-menu redemption dinner party. A true little shit. A true little shit.

It's Ivo Graham. Oh, boys. I can't believe I've made it. You didn't think I was going to make it. I didn't think I was going to make it. Ivo's classically the latest man in comedy. Getting a train to a live stream. Yeah.

And as soon as we asked Ivo to do it, we heard back that, yes, I can do it, but I'm getting it. Where are you, Ivo? I'm in Hull. I'm in the Double Tree by Hilton. I can't believe it. And I'm in Hull.

I'm in a hotel room. I've got the stuff. Oh, no. He's got it with him. He's got it with him. You little shit. Not only are you on time. You're in your hotel room.

You've also managed to go to the shops to buy the stuff. So the question is, am I going to slice the banana into the ovale? But how do you usually do it? What's your favorite way to do it? How do you normally do it at the Graham Hath? Well, obviously at the Graham Hath, there's a bowl, but luxury has not been afforded

made by the Double Tree by Hilton. It's not... Can I say your father's first name? It's not... I can't believe I get the call. Right, pick it up. Obviously pick it up. Obviously, obviously answer it.

I mean, is that someone... You've said the hotel you're in. He has said the hotel, isn't he? Please, please let that be someone watching this. Please, please, somebody's telling him that he's going to go fuck himself. He's eating bananas and yogurt. Also, if it isn't,

we've just given a load of people an idea. Yeah. They can phone his hotel mate and say, you're a little shit for eating that yogurt and banana. Double Tree by Hilton. You little shit. In Hull and ask for Ivo Craves. I've just...

Yeah, hang on one second. He's in Hull for no reason, though. What is he doing? Someone... It's not ideal. Someone call the hotel asking for me and you've got to suspect it's someone who's watching the livestream.

Ivo, definitely answer the call, mate. Answer the call. Ivo, answer... Oh, you can't hear us. I don't know why we're trying to shout. At the moment, there's more and more calls coming through. Yeah, I mean, currently, the old circuit board at the hotel is smoking.

It's completely going nuts. Someone in Hull is making their way over there in a cab. Oh, this is better than it being late. Yeah, this is absolutely perfect. His whole life is ruined now. He's not going to get awake sleep tonight. He's going to be absolutely knackered when he goes to interview Dean Windas

because he's been filled in phone calls about Bernadioca all the way through the night. There's going to be 40 pots of Yo Valley left at reception. Right, they're getting put through. You're going to have to stop me until you get up to stop the Aberring chat because it's very distracting. Yes, put them on speaker.

I think it sounds like I've just said to the receptionist to stop the Aberring. Yeah, well, with your voice, she probably expects that kind of stuff. Hang on a second. I'll just put it on speaker. Can you say it again? Okay.

Yeah, exactly. I think it sounds like you're going to get a wind sleep tonight. I mean, you can't do anything like that. You've been filled in phone calls about Bernadioca. That's something we said 20 seconds ago. They're talking about Dean Windas. It's very stressful. I really can't tell if this is a prank

from an off-menu listener or someone from the Dean Windas production team. They're playing the live stream down the phone to you, mate. Yeah, they're actually seeming to somehow because it's like a Christopher Nolan film. It's very stressful. It's me from the past ringing you. It's hanging up.

You should never have revealed the hotel. Yeah, well, I wouldn't bother making the walk back to the yoga because you know it's about to ring again in a second. Yeah, I've hung up and it literally hasn't disconnected. Yeah, still talking. Mate, those phone calls will be in a queue right now. I think you're in for quite the night even after this live stream's finished.

You might want to take that phone off the hook. See, this is what happens when you arrive on time. Oh, no! Literally, what is going to happen now? You know what's going to happen, mate? If anyone lives in a hotel... You're so excited about being on time that you announced you were aware about it.

That you're so chuffed with yourself. You're like, here I am. I made it to the double-trade hillturning hall. You know, did you hear what they said? No, what they're saying? They couldn't believe I was putting banana in your valiocas. Yeah, it's not an habit.

He's gone all the way to the other two. He's gone all the way to Hull. Yeah. I weighed a Hull. Right. Um, I'm afraid I can't take... You're going to have a hard time! As you can!

As you can, I vote! You can! Is that so? I vote! Would you apologise to him? Thank you very much. I don't apologise! Oh, I...

I'm glad. Because if that happens again, I'm going to die. Why didn't you take the phone call? Okay. Because I thought it was important to shut down this whole folding the double-trade hillturning hall. The lady putting me through did not sound hugely chuffed about this whole thing either to do this.

I've imagined she's having some pick-and-chill at this point. Yeah. Well, she's probably learnt what your dream dessert is and isn't too happy with you. I'm now imagining like one of those old-style switchboard ladies just being like, Okay, I'll transfer you! I'll transfer you!

I vote Graham, yeah! Oh, boy. Oh, man. That person was called Mr Pearson. So, apologies to Mr Pearson. Mr Pearson! Who shall I say is calling? It's Mr Pearson.

It's Mr Pearson. Please, Mr Pearson. I'm dressed me by my proper title. I'm calling someone I've seen on a live stream to ask them about their yoghurt and a mug. Please call me Mr Pearson. If you please. I wouldn't.

More of the treats than bananas in yoghurt. I hate rice pudding. Yeah, I'm brosier rice pudding. No, I hate rice pudding. Why are you having a pile of rice for dessert? No, sir. No, thank you. Not me.

I still wouldn't have it as a dream dessert. Don't get me wrong. You know, when BCM chose it, I was pretty angry. But, like... But that sounds like the sort of thing that I vote on. Mording school would be like rice pudding on Wednesdays and all the boys would... Mr Pearson?

Is it Mr Pearson? Mr Pearson's back. Yes. I'm very sorry. I think I've... Tell the receptionist that you've announced where you are on a live stream. It's...

No, unfortunately, I've been the victim of a prank. The shame in his voice! The shame in his voice! I'm very sorry. I'm afraid I've dismantled my card. I've dismantled my Corby Trouser press. Did you get... Did you get told off?

Yeah, it's... Yeah. Is she not happy? I'd say phone call one, the intermediary was enthusiastic and helpful. Phone call two was a little confused. And we're definitely in terse now. So it would...

It really would be absolutely fantastic. I know, I agree, it would be fantastic, but conversely, there's many fantastic options in front of people. No, come on. I mean, absolutely. It would be good for you if people stopped doing it. It's not about me. I'll sit up all night taking the calls.

Oh, don't say that. Why would you say that? You know, I will... I'm afraid I've been the victim of a prank. And I'm afraid I've been the victim of a prank. He's the most Alan Partridge thing I've ever seen. You know, the most pathetic thing is, well, you can choose from your own selection, I'm sure.

But in my mind, the most pathetic and vain thing was that I shaved my beard today for the first time in about 14 months and I thought, well, maybe that would be a talking point on the live stream. No room. No. No room for anything. You look very nice.

Yeah, you look very nice. I feel sick. If you like the... If you like that Iva shaved his beard and you think he looks nice, you know how to get in contact with him. Oh, man. The victim of a prank. Bad luck, Ivo.

Oh, dear me. I mean, I don't remember laughing more than that this year. So thanks for that, Ivo. And you know what? Just in case you saw Ivo hasn't had it in the neck enough in this best of episode, here's a little clip of Jack D. Being horrible to him. Go get him, Jack!

Do you like curry, though? I love curry. Do you like the smell of curry, Jack? I like the smell of it when I'm cooking it. Do you like the smell of curry when you're performing, when you're on stage? Oh, I know where this is going. I know where this is going.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was... Do you know that Ivo Graham? Yeah, yeah. Right. Is a comedian. He's a ripe bastard. And he was doing my support on a little bit of a warm-up tour

that I was doing about three or four years ago. In fact, no, we were sort of spitting the bill because we were both trying out new material. But technically, he was my support on that. And he'd done the support in this little theatre in Hayward's Heath or something like that. And then I was on stage, you know, doing my shtick and talking and, you know, having a...

And I could suddenly smell curry. And I thought, what's going on? And I said to the audience, does anyone else smell curry? I looked in the wings. And what it was, Ivo Graham had set himself up with a little table and a full, bloody curry while he was watching my show from the wings.

He's telling that story like it was a good thing that he did. Without realising, you know. And then another one, he didn't even turn out on time. So I ended up being his support act. Yeah, so I warmed him up. And then he arrives like some, you know, some big diva with a big fur coat on. And, you know, and I had to sort of get the train home

while he had a great time with the audience that I just warmed up for him. You didn't think to order a takeaway and eat it at the wings? I should have thought if I'd been quick enough thinking or vindictive enough, that is exactly what I would have done. But I didn't know, but he's, yeah. I believe actually, according to Ivo what you said, you didn't say can anyone smell curry.

You said, can anyone smell cuppa soup? Ah, well, I'll tell you why. I would have confused that because nearly all theatres backstage smell of cuppa soup. That's right, that's such a good observation. Yeah, they smell of cuppa soup and microwaved ready meals that the crew get ready for themselves. Christ knows what their colons are like,

but those places stink of that stuff. And it's partly why I can't eat it. I cannot eat that stuff. You've got to eat cuppa soup. Can't eat any of that stuff. It's got all those dry ingredients in it. Any of that powdered garlic and stuff. It makes you feel sick to smell it.

Yep, that sounds pretty unprofessional for Ivo there. He deserved everything he got from Jack D. Good on you, Jackie boy! But of course, this year, we haven't forgotten what this podcast is really about, James. Food, no. Peepie, poo poo and vom vom. Yep, that's exactly what it's about.

Doing peas, doing poos and puking out your mouth. That's what people love talking about. We never stir it in that direction. It's not our fault. No, because you can't have food or drink without pee, pee, poo, poo or vom vom. And you can't have pee, pee, poo, poo or vom vom without Ann Marie, Bridget Christie, Ed Sheeran,

Sarah Kendall, Ann Marie again, and Emily Haytack. But what is it that you love about quinoa so much? Because a lot of people might be listening to this going, how, how could someone have quinoa as one of their choices? I just, I love it. It's like rice but less ricey. If anyone from the quinoa marketing board is listening, we've just found your new slogan.

I think James has found what he once painted as well. If you could paint quinoa like rice but less ricey. Oh, I would love that as a quote. I would put that on my wall. And also it fascinated me. This is disgusting. But the first time I ate quinoa and I went to the toilet, it was still fully quinoa.

Oh my God. And that made you think, I'm going to prep this for the week. It just fascinated me. It's the first thing I'd seen. How? I don't know, I don't think that, I can't see that happening. It comes out the same as it goes in. No, I've never known anyone.

It does, it does. Are you chewing? Are you chewing? Are you just swallowing things like a bit pyson? You know, I couldn't believe it. There's a whole butternut squash in there as well. I mean what, you looked back in the bowl and it was just like someone had emptied a bowl of quinoa in there.

That's all it looked like. No, I'd eaten other things that day obviously. So it was still normal and then there was just quinoa there. There as well. I've never told anyone this. I think what I'm interested in is that leap then from you seeing that the first time and then going, I think I like quinoa even more now.

Yeah, I know. Oh, this is great. You're like, great. I'm going to have some more quinoa. Does it appeal to you? Because do you think, oh, this means that if I'm ever sick from quinoa it will just come out the same and it won't make me feel, it won't look like a horrible big part of the sick

or this little lovely bowl of quinoa when it comes out my mouth? Well, get this, I went to a hypnotherapist about my phobia and I said to her, because when I feel sick I have to do this thing where I'm like, please go down and come out the other end. Like please, I'd rather poo myself in public than be sick anywhere. And so I, another quote for you.

I'd push it down like this in my brain. I'd make myself do that instead of throw up. And I went to the hypnotherapist and I was like, is that actually real? Can I actually do that? Is that possible for me to beat my brain, be that powerful to push it down instead of come out? And she was like, yeah.

Yeah. I'd call that a waste of Jedi powers is what I'd call that. So let's say you're on the voice, you're sitting in the chair. Would you rather, bear in mind your face of the audience in that chair, you would rather shit yourself in front of all of them than puke? Yes. You would rather do that.

You think that they would go home with more respect for you? Definitely not. But I would be happier. Imagine if Tom Jones was sick though, just as he'd press the button to spin the chair around, it'd be like the waltzes all over again. Oh my God. It's actually like the waltzes.

I can't even think about it. Tom Jones was sick. Would you respect him a little bit less? Yeah. No, I would just, I would be out of the building. Like when it's on TV, let's say if that casualty is on or something and someone's sick, I run out of my house. But that's ridiculous.

What if Tom Jones pressed the button to spin round and then it malfunctioned and then it just kept on spinning round and round and round. And Tom Jones was there screaming and being like, no, help me. And then he starts being sick while it's spinning. He's like the guy on the waltzes with his hand on his mouth and he's looking at you every time. Every time it comes round, he's looking at you with big, strange eyes.

His eyes are getting bigger and bigger and bigger. He's after your help. He's reaching out to you. Help me out for me. I think I've found something that is unusual. Sometimes I have nightmares. They're quite regular. Someone comes up to me and says, where's the toilet?

I need to be sick. And I say, it's over there. And then I run away and they think I'm showing them to the toilet. So then they're running after me. Because we don't keep things like that. Lots of cultures, Indigenous cultures, keep placentas. Because they believe in the planet and stuff. And so they give something back to Mother Nature

because they think they've been given life. So they plant it in the ground or they attach it to a tree. And they sort of see it as giving something back. It's really amazing all that stuff. I hate to stumble across that tree on a walk. I'd be absolutely petrified. Imagine if you're taking a walk at night time and found the placenta tree.

No, we just throw dog shit in them, don't we, instead? What, in the trees? Yeah, in bags. Have you not seen trees covered in plastic bags? No. Have you not? I've not seen a tree with a plastic bag full of dog shit. That's the... If you've ever been on a motorway.

So in a lay-by, look at the trees, people just... Or do you walk? Have you got a dog or anything? No. Right, maybe you've not noticed. Yeah, trees, and I... Back me up here. But I can't believe this. I can't believe you don't know how much people throw bags

full of dog shit into trees. No, I've never seen that. Yeah. Neither of us have seen this. It's a thing. It's a thing. It's shaking his head. Yeah, it's a thing.

I think you're living very sheltered lives. Maybe you're the one living quite a sordid life. It's not me. I haven't got a... I haven't got a dog. I mean, I wouldn't do... Also, it's like... Why go to the bathroom of putting it in a dog bag? It's probably better to just let your dog fowl, isn't it?

Because of the plastic. Did you see one tree where this was the case? So have you seen it, or do you see it a lot? It's a thing, and you're going to get lots of calls about this. Yeah, it's a thing that people do. It is a blight on the countryside and in parks. I believe you. I've just never seen one.

Well, you're lucky. I wish I had not seen it. Yeah. Because it is all... Imagine all the little birds that should be in there. Packing into them thinking... They've certainly got a tree for the dog shit. Well, I don't think they'll be pecking into the bags, will they?

What kind of birds do you know? Well, I don't know any birds, but... Well, they don't eat bags of dog shit. Yeah, but they might want to see what's in the... They might want to see what's in the bag, though. What kind of a bird is this? What kind of tree is this, you know? They're not going to pack a plastic bag that doesn't smell of...

I grew up in London. I don't really know about nature. Would it pack a placenta? It might do, actually, because that's organic matter, isn't it, rather than a plastic bag? You'd hope so. True. Would you rather sleep on a pillow made of egg feathers

or sleep on a pillow made of feathers that are from birds that exclusively... Eggs don't grow feathers. Well, you're the one who said you saved an egg feathers earlier. Yeah, sorry. Would you rather sleep on a pillow full of egg feathers or sleep on a pillow full of feathers from birds that have exclusively been sitting in the dog shit tree? It wouldn't make any difference to me.

No? No. Wouldn't they smell a bit of dog shit? No. Because the... Well, no. I mean, unless they had a bath in it, which they don't do, they...

I mean, how would I know? We'd barely tell you. We'd tell you at the end. Oh, you'd tell me. We'd tell you. You'd have one night where you'd put your pillow. Well, the little... The egg feathers, then, I think.

Egg feathers, yeah, fair enough. If you had a pet bird and you bought it and you were really happy with it, you're excited and you bought it home to your kids, why are you shaking your head before you even got to... I can't even go to aviaries. It bothers me so much. Oh, or zoos. I can't cope with cage, anything caged.

Okay, well, it's not an occasion then. Oh, so I live on a huge estate and it just flies around? Flows around your house? Yeah. The house bird. If it can come and go as it pleases, well, I've got three cats, so I wouldn't have a bird. But let's just...

Say just a harmony with the bird. Let's just say they all get on. Yeah. Your family love it. Yeah. Everyone loves it. Yeah. It can come and go as it pleases.

But here's the catch. All it eats is bags of dog shit. Do I have to... Yeah, you've got to feed it. That's the scenario. Correct, yeah. Yeah, that's not it. So everyone loves the bird.

It comes and goes as it pleases. It sings so nicely. Things are beautiful song every day. I'd have to say to it, there's a lady down the road who's got a dog. You'll have to eat there and then come back when you've finished and have a wash before you come back. I don't think... Because I think then I could call, for example, the RSPB

and say that Bridget's got a bird, but she's refusing to feed it. Hang on a sec. I was given a scenario. Yeah. With no options or deviations. Yeah. So I don't know why the RSPB are now getting in. Because you're refusing to feed your bird.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are. Because it only eats dog shit and you're making someone else... Bags of dog shit and you're making someone else. Yes, but we've come to an arrangement. If Polly then said, well, I'd rather eat here, I would say, well, we need to have a look at your diet then. I won an ice cream eating competition in America because of that.

Tell us every single detail. Yes, I used to tell us this. How old were you? When was it? Where was it? I was 22. How many other people in the competition? I was 22 and I was on tour with Taylor Swift and she had invited my family to go and stay with her. How did she do in the ice cream eating competition? She played Eye of the Tiger over and over and over and was going, you can do it, you can do it.

Okay, let me tell you the story. So we get... Taylor Swift put the ice cream in a blender and have it as a drink, a shake. My brother, so she can shake it on the front, yeah, there you go. Shake it half head. I don't like that. No fist bump? I'm not supposed to put that one?

No. Both of them are here. No, that's just taking... I'm putting them out there if you want to bump them. That's just taking a bit of pop... If you want to bump them, they're right there. A bit of pop culture and a thing that people eat. If you want to bump them.

I'll go on. Yeah. So she had invited us to her place in Rhode Island. So we got there and she said there's this great little ice cream place in the town. We went there and they had this ice cream eating competition called the Big Kahuna Challenge. And at this point, I'm, as you said, you finish everything you're going to play. And I was like, I can do this.

Yeah. Like I know I can do this. And it was something crazy, like two liters of ice cream. Yeah. And I was like, I can do that. So I said, we'll do it. I'm there with Taylor and my brother and they bring this ice cream out. But you have to add toppings.

And I stupidly said, gummy bears. Which, you know, they're going to fill you up. So I start eating this thing and I get maybe a halfway through and I go, man, I'm killing this. And then because it's Taylor, lots of fans started turning up. So in the end, there's like 20 or 30 young girls going, you can do it, Ed. You can do it. So I'm eating this thing.

I get to sort of three quarters and I start shivering. And I'm like, oh man, this is actually really, really fucked up. And I'm there and I'm shivering. I've got like one and a half liters of ice cream in me with these gummy bears. And I'm shivering. But then I've got the pressure of all these kids watching me and Taylor's playing Eye of the Tiger. And my brother, like my brother still says to this, to this, to this day,

like, and I've had a lot of achievements in my life. My brother still says the proudest he's ever been of me is when I finished the big kahuna challenge. So, so I finish it. Everyone's like, yay. And I go, I have to go to the toilet. And I go to the toilet. And I was when I say I projectile vomits out of my nose ice cream.

And it's chocolate ice cream. It goes all over the floor of the toilet. And I'm like, there's 20 kids in here. They're going to come in here and think that I've shat all over the floor. Then I had to clean it up. So I'm there wiping all this like melted ice cream. For like, I was in there for probably like half an hour. Anyway, cleaned, cleaned it all up, went, went outside.

Everyone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, I got a t-shirt. They took my picture and they put it on the wall. Oh my God. And I felt very proud to be on the wall. I think lots of people have done the challenge now. But at the time, my stomach could take a lot. And now it's, um,

Oh, imagine being one of those gummy bears. What a wild ride those guys went on. But if you're ever going to do it. Ed Sheeran, where am I going? Coming out of a Blake's nose. I wonder if I sweat so much because I've got so much hair on my head. Yeah, you got a lot of hair. Interesting.

It might, it might have pushed the thermostat above what it can tolerate. Well, I mean, while we're talking about this kind of stuff, and you know, who knows how much of this is going to end up in the podcast. This is the most vile one we've ever done. But, um, before we recorded, you mentioned the toilet. Did you? Then when I, well, yeah, this is the thing. Yeah.

You went to the toilet for the amount of time that I would say. Takes a piss. I shit so fast. Already knew what I was going to ask. Yeah, I know. It's crazy. Everyone who's ever lived with me are like, how did you just do it that fast?

I'm like, I not only do I shit fast, but I'd say I shit as often as I piss, but it's not diarrhea. How incredible is that? But also you don't have your nose. Straight out, straight out the nostril. Yeah, I sneeze. You shit as often as you piss. No, look, I mean, that's that's a bit of hyperbole.

I've never heard someone say with such pride, but it's not diarrhea. But what? But wait a second, it's not diarrhea. But it's not diarrhea. Diarrhea is a shortcut. I feel like for anyone who's like, I shit all the time. I'm like, yeah, but is it diarrhea?

That doesn't count. I do healthy, well-formed stools, but frequently. But frequently. It's the fasting. Yeah, it must be. I think it's the fasting and the double espresso, fucking clear a path, get to the bathroom ASAP. The thing is, Sarah, you came in here and you had to go at James

for eating a sausage wrap and having a diet coke. And everything you've described so far about your own life, you are the unhealthiest person I've ever met. You think? I think it's healthy. None of this. What is that? And I shit all the time and I sweat buckets. You sweat buckets onto the floor and it smells of meat.

Yeah. And piss. Sorry, piss. It smells of piss. You shit as often as you piss. Yeah. Fast. Very fast.

Your drives throw it in the world? I've got, yeah, I've got such dry throat that I think I'm dying. Because all the moisture's leaving your body out of your armpit. Yeah, and I'm swallowing so often that the muscle is exhausted. And you've blamed all of this on the fact you've got quite a lot of hair. Yeah. Yes.

I feel like my whole life I've had this eating thing because I have a phobia of vomit. I have a phobia of being sick, right? So I've never wanted to try anything. And I think that's why the vegetarian life works for me as well, because I feel like I won't get ill. My girlfriend is the same as you, Annemarie. She's also afraid of vomit. I believe it's immatophobia, isn't it?

I think is the name for it. Which is, I find it very interesting that you like cream cheese, because weirdly her immatophobia is also tied to a fear of things like yoga and cream cheese because of the texture of it. Wow. And I've just realised, as I've said that, I'm worried I've just put you off cream cheese. No, you can't put me off. No, yeah, I've like, when I was about 11 or 10,

I went to Blackpool with my family for a karate competition. That's the puke capital of the UK. What were you thinking? Well, the day before the competition, we went on the fairground and we were on the waltzer, which is the spinny, roundy one. And a girl, not me, I was fine. A girl in my cup was like coughing and I was like, don't worry, she's just coughing, she's just coughing.

And then she put her hand over her mouth and I was like, what is going on? And then I just saw something come out the side of her mouth. And I stood up and I was like, stop the ride. Please stop the ride, she's going to be sick. And the guy was obviously like, we don't care. People are sick all the time. And my brain, this is how mad it is, my brain saw the ride stop. So my brain told me that it had stopped, right?

And I stepped off it and it was still going full pelt. And I just like, yeah, come off of it, but I was fine. I just walked off. Oh, God. And my dad, mom and dad were just like, watching this whole thing happen. Did you, to karate skills, when you jumped off, was that what that was? I must have. Yeah, I must have.

They see you just like, land perfectly. Yeah. Did some karate moves, get off of the waltzers. So yeah, I'm so terrified of it that I think that that's like, subconsciously made me not experiment with food. Yeah. Until the past like three years. So that's why.

I get that meat thing as well. So there's less chance of making a mistake and eating something that's, that's old or something that's got some problems with it. Yeah, I totally, I totally get that. Smart. I mean, it's not going to stop me. I love, I love vomit. It does love it.

Second dinner, he calls it. Yeah. I remember when that Instagram first sort of came out, and I was sort of trying to gauge like what was popular to put up. And I realized people like pictures of food, don't they? They're like sort of seeing little pleasing bowls of things and drinks and stuff. And I was still, I was sort of trying to, I thought, right, if I put a picture of my poached egg, is that going to get likes?

And then I just realized, no, it is just a pic of the tips. Watch the likes roll in. So I gave up on putting poached eggs on my fucking Instagram. No fucking point. I don't follow you on Instagram. I'm not on Instagram myself, but I now imagine in your timeline, it's just like loads of pictures of food. And then suddenly it just completely changes.

And I've got to say, Emily, I don't follow you on Instagram. And you do realize after this conversation, there is no way I can. Sorry, not their tits, just, you know. But it's impossible for Ed to follow you without you thinking, oh. It's impossible for you to get that notification saying, Ed Gabbler's followed you on Instagram without thinking, oh, right. Yeah, I see. I guess it's olives from now on in.

Yeah. Get the poached eggs back, yeah. Also quite interesting, just before we move on, nice to know that James thinks of his butt as his tits. Yes, the butt is the male tits. Yeah, it's a cleavage, isn't it? It's a cleavage. Yeah.

Look, you know, at the end of the day, I just kind of think, if someone sent me a picture of their tits, I think it would be a little bit hardcore to go straight in with a deep shot. And I think what I would do in response would be a photo of my butt. I've got the funniest image in my head. Do you think anyone in that scenario would then send you something back? If they were kind enough to send you a picture of themselves in that scenario and they received a butt pic back again,

do you think then that conversation is carrying on? Yeah. Well, the ball is in their court. Is that there as well? This is one. Just quite accidentally. Yeah, sometimes. Tuck between the legs.

Yeah, pop it for a little something, a little sleep preview. Yeah. You've got a funny story about someone sending their butt to their girlfriend, haven't you, Ed? I know you're oppressing me for that. Oh, go on. Someone I sort of know once sent a butt pic to his girlfriend to spice up the relationship and she broke up with him almost exactly after that.

Oh, my God, no. Was it because his bum was really bad or was it because she was like, well, this is just... I just think it's weird to send a bum pic. A bum pic is a very bold choice. I'm always scared of man's bums. Yes. You know the little walk on the way out, if you've just like...

I don't even know if you can hear this. On the way out? On the way out to the bathroom. You know, when you're lying in bed and then they walk off to the bathroom to have a wee. I always get really scared to look because I'm scared. I'm like, I want to see what his bum looks like, but I'm really scared. What are you scared of, Emily? What are you going to see?

I'm just scared. I'm just like, what's it going to look like? Is it going to be hairy? Is it going to not be hairy? Is it going to have something weird on it? Or is it going to put me off? It's weird on it. Because the bum...

A spider. Yeah, look, there's a tarantula sitting up. Crawling out of it. But you know, like, I don't know. Like, oh, bums are scary. I get scared of bums. What's the worst thing you could see on a man's bum that would scare you the most? What are you most worried about seeing on a bum?

Um... Like a spear. Like a piece of shit. Well, that's the right answer. A piece of shit. There was a moment there where James was so taken aback and then thought about it and was clearly like, well, yeah, obviously, that is a way. Yeah, you're going, well...

My initial response to my head was, oh, yeah. Why'd you say that? And then I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, absolutely the right answer. Especially if you're been laying in bed with this man and he's like, just pop to the bathroom and there's an actual piece of shit. Just on his bum. Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, I would laugh immediately because that's exactly my

humour so there we go. Oh my God. Oh my God, I'm actually crying, seeing him crying on the floor with a horrible shitty bum. It's a nice clean. But that's what you want, isn't it? Well thanks, Emily. James and I had both forgotten about that. And now we're remembering you

saying that and we're laughing. Very, very funny. What a weird guest. Um, also what is very exciting, obviously the story that everyone requests the most from off menu and the one that people can't get enough of is my personal Diet Coke story. No,

James, where do you get all these requests? No one's requesting you do that. Well, I get a sense of it. Well, not even your, no, not even your mom's requesting that and she is your only link to the outside world. Okay, that is true. But

like, you know, I get a sense when we're recording the episode to get a sense, people want to hear it. I can like sense the listener requesting it when they're listening to it in the future. Your senses are all off, but there were more

mentions of the Diet Coke story this year and we've got a little clips package here from two film directors we've interviewed, James. Yes, we've got a prequel to the Diet Coke story from Jason Reitman and also Edgar Wright on the live episode also

talked about the wonderful DC. Yeah. Have you heard the story, by the way, about Coke Zero? No. About where like why there is Coke Zero? Have you heard, do you know the story of New Coke? No. Okay, so I'll try to, I'll tell

this faster, you'll cut it out. Oh, no, you'd be surprised. I've told some boring Coke stories in my time, but Benny O's always kept him in. Well, let's start 50 years back then. No, so in the 80s, there was a moment where Pepsi started to beat Coke and

in that moment Coke created a new formula. You may remember this, they created something called New Coke and it was a disaster. And in response, they came out with classic Coke, the original formula. When they came out with classic Coke, they did

not change the flavor of Diet Coke. So Diet Coke tastes like New Coke. So if you want to taste the failed formula of the 1980s New Coke, try Diet Coke. That's what it tasted like. That's what it was. And then recently Coca Cola realized, oh, we have the

technology to create a zero calorie beverage that tastes like Coca Cola and they came out with Coke Zero. So that's why there is Coke Zero, but they didn't know how to market because they couldn't pull Diet Coke off the shelf because there's people who love

Diet Coke. They love New Coke. And so they had to figure out a new way to market it and so they came up with this uber-masculine black can thing and that's why you have Coke Zero. I know that Diet Coke tastes like normal Coke. I told you, Benito, I told you

this. It's the thing you see. I used to, I cut caffeine out of my diet in 2013. You wouldn't know it. Well, this is the thing. Five years later, 2018, I fell off the wagon. What I did was start drinking Diet Coke. So I didn't drink anything else. I

was like, I'll have Diet Coke. That's what caffeine in it. I'll have that anyway. I hadn't had Coke in five years. So Diet Coke tasted like regular Coke to me. And this is what I've been saying on this podcast for ages of how it tastes like normal Coke to me. And now it's

been confirmed that the reason why is because it's New Coke. That's what I've been drinking the whole time. But when did this New Coke thing happen? In the 80s. Yeah. So why do you know that in the 80s? Diet Coke to this day tastes like New Coke. Yeah. He's never had

New Coke. That's what I'm saying. That's what I have. Diet Coke. I was drinking all the time, baby. But he knows it doesn't taste like regular Coke. I feel like I'm being ganged up on here. I think regardless, James, that's still a very boring story. No, no, it's a

great story. It's a great story. And do you know what? It's the main running Fred for the whole podcast is that story. You'd be amazed that it actually is. Yeah. Hardly, hardly ever bringing up myself. This comes about nowhere. And Jason just told

basically we just like had a prequel to it. That's exciting for the fans at home. We got in the DeLorean. Yeah, yeah, we got right in the DeLorean. We hop back in time and we learn why it tastes like regular Coke to me. That is exciting. I'm

excited. Yeah. And to the venture that you love it and you can't tell the difference anymore. Oh, yeah. Like the Pepsi Challenge. Yeah. Well, I mean, you're probably too young to remember that. Does anybody remember the Pepsi Challenge? I remember

the Pepsi Challenge. And I could, I mean, right now I could tell the difference between Diet Pepsi and Diet Coke if anyone wanted me to. They're very different. Do you think Diet Coke actually... Do you think, Edgar, if you didn't

have any water for like a year? Oh, yeah. Do you think then if you had sparkling water, it would taste the same as still water? I thought you were going to ask me if I was in the desert and somebody came in and they gave me a bottle of sparkling water.

That's a better question than my desperate appeal to an in-joke on the podcast. You'd have to be really fussy to turn down the sparkling water at that point after three days in the Gobi Desert without any water. But do you think your mouth would be

so sensitive that the bubbles were just like, what, your face had melt? That's the point. James is disappointed because I interrupted his Diet Coke story, by the way. He's so angry. He's not going to get over this. What would be your preference,

Pepsi-wise? I'd diet Pepsi. I'd go for. I like Diet Coke as well, but I'd probably prefer Diet Pepsi, but for ages I didn't really have... I kind of like gave up caffeine entirely, which is like, I have to be careful saying that in the building

because I think Edwin Coffee's not left yet, but like, I didn't have caffeine in my diet for ages, and then after like five years I started drinking Diet Coke again, and I hadn't had like full-fat Coke and all that time, and after five years

of not having any caffeine and not having regular Coke, Diet Coke just tasted like normal Coke. Can I just say, firstly, we did this the other night, James told that story maybe a hundred times in the podcast. We did it live the other

night, and it was a lovely show, lovely audience. We came off stage and James looked a bit bummed out. I was like, what's wrong with that? It was really funny. He went, I didn't get a chance to do my Diet Coke story. And it was great live then

to hear people being bored by it live, because you all cheered when he started doing it, and then there was a noticeable drop-off in energy. I think you need to be able to tell the difference between bored and on tenterhooks.

Well, I reckon those guys should team up and make a Diet Coke the movie. Ed, this is exciting. Two Hollywood directors, they take my personal Diet Coke story and they make it into a blockbuster. I'm in the O again. I'm in the Hollywood O. Can I

play you? Yes. I'll give it a Diet Coke for so long. This is great. It's going to taste like normal Coke. But, Benito, are you playing a clip of me right now? Oh, man. Where's this clip coming from? I can't remember this episode. Well, I love Diet

Coke so, so much. Well, Benito, I know I don't listen back to the episodes much, but this clip completely passed me by, but that's me all right. Anyway, we've got to get on with National Treasure. Oh, I guess, hold on, hold on. I guess I should get

Ed. Ed's very hard to do, because his voice doesn't have any distinctive quality. What are you, what are you saying, man? Um, National Treasures. Kazoo, yeah, you can. Oh, God. We've had National Treasures galore on the podcast. We have had

National Treasures galore on the podcast. I realized I actually can't do that good an impression of you, which is a shame. It was quite good. So let's hear from Miriam Margolies, Miriam Margolies, Miris I L, Ross Kemp, Ross Kemp, Timothy Spoor, Jamie Oliver, Bob

Mortimer and Ainsley Harriet. My rule is that I never make anything. I get people to make it for me. I'm not a cook, so anything has to be ordered in or brought in by friends. That's a very good rule. When did you set yourself that rule,

Miriam? I think when I was born, probably. I think it was set down in the book from a very early age. I have never been a cook. I can cook some things, but I won't. I don't like cooking. I like other people

to cook for me. Are there any other top Miriam rules that we need to know about your rules for life that you always stick to? Oh, yes. Um, I mean, generally speaking, tell the truth, never let the sun set on a quarrel and never be fucked

up the bum because that's something that I have never done. I bet you can't say that. No, no, when when you asked us, when you said, I do hope this

conversation doesn't just isn't all below the waist. Were you talking to us, Jim, in that bit? Are we talking to yourself? Because since then, Miriam, you've farted and said that. The thing is, boys, that

thoughts suddenly occur to me. They just pop into my head. You know that you're, you're stand-up comedians. So you know what it's the same with me. I must sit down comedian, I suppose. I want to be amusing, but I don't I haven't made a living

as you have doing that. So it just popped into my head and that's why I said it. Quite right. Always follow those instincts. I will, I will. Excuse me a second. I was going to come back.

Apolly. Okay. We'll wait for James to get, see this is why, if James needs to fart, he has to go out of the room. How sweet that he has to go away. I think that's totally sweet. Is that you, Emily? Hi, darling. Just throw me the sandwich.

Just throw it to me. Because I, I can't let you No, I can't. Can you, can you throw it onto my desk? It's all right. Very good. That's it. Oh, fuck. It's all right. Wait a minute. I'm just going to get

the sandwich. The sandwich has gone on the floor. You hit the desk, right? It just, it was out. Oh, she's an onion. How could it be more perfect? How did you know? I'll pay you after. James, big, big update since you've

been away. Emily's arrived back with the sandwich and it's cheese and onion. Oh, wow. This is a, this is great for you, right? You must be delighted. You don't mind if I have a nibble. No, you go for it. You tuck in, Miriam. There it is. Yeah, good. Marked out of 10 for it.

Oh, nine. And nine out of 10. What would it have to be to be a 10 out of 10 for you, Miriam? Extra onion. An onion on the side like an apple. Would you say you would prefer an onion and cheese sandwich than a cheese and onion sandwich? I don't know how to answer that.

Interesting question. You look very, you take this seriously and I appreciate that. No, I still think that onion has to be the accompaniment. Yeah. But thanks for asking because it really made me think. It did. I was kind about that.

Oh, what a lovely, that's a lovely meal. I'm going to read back to you now and we'll see how you feel about it. Almost nice to hear it back. Water. You want sparkling water with ice and thinly cut slices of lime. Pop it on some red. You chose a warm, crusty roll

or a French baguette with butter. Starter, chart from Deschun. Main course. Seafood paella from the Barcelona Beach Restaurant. Side of samfire and drink. Rose lassi. Fuck, I said lassi. I can't believe it.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Oh, definitely won't edit that out because it makes me look like an idiot.

I'm dead. So sorry, James. Yes, lassi. I believe it's called lassi. Well, thank you, Ed. No worries. At least you know now. Actually, there was a gang that I met a sushi restaurant. Now, Mongolia is one of the most

landlocked countries on the planet. And apart from the fact they like to have snuff and vodka for breakfast, which I had to partake in, of course, to be accepted by the group every morning. Yeah, sure. You're doing a documentary. You've got

to do it. Got to do it. Exactly. They just, this sushi used to be flown in from Japan every day, and I've never even been to Japan, but I like sushi a lot. And the sushi that these guys, this gang used to have, apart from the fact that I didn't like the

idea that they went around celebrating Hitler's birthday, and they had SS tattoos on their heads and stuff like that. But that might, that might mean for Sushi Sushi. Sushi, absolutely. Scrubby sushi. Yeah. Scrubby sushi. So, yeah, so, so maybe

the richer gangs, the poorer gangs possibly not. Well, that is, that is quite the bind. This sushi is delicious, but these guys, I'm pretty sure they're Nazis. Yeah. Yes, but they gave that away by the kit they were wearing and going around waving flags on

Hitler's birthday, which is something I never, I also, I declined the cake on Hitler's birthday as well, which they were quite upset about, funnily enough. Well done. Did the cake have Hitler on it? Do you know, do you know what? Can I tell you how

many times I've been offered cake by Nazis? Would it be in, in Moscow, Dallas, or in fact Ulaanbaatar? More than once. Yeah. And they, they love a cake. Yeah, I didn't know that about Nazis. Why, why do you think they love cake so much? Well, because they

like sticking their insignia or anything they can, don't they? They like draping it everywhere, so why not put it on a cake if you're going to stick it on your forehead, stick it on your arm, you might as well stick it on your cake. Yeah, it's an easier way

to get people in, isn't it? Because like they're going, if we offer people the cake, their need for cake might override the fact that, yeah, or everything we believe is abhorrent. So we'll get them in that way. Yeah, and that is no joking. I can remember

going to meet a load of Moscow Nazis and they literally put a salad out and then in tomato capture, they'd put a swastika on it. Oh my God. Cross. I mean, pathetic. Anyway, I don't wish to remember them. Are you at that point now, when whenever you meet

a new gang of Nazis, before they do, they open your mouth, you went, no, I don't want any cake. Thank you very much. And they're like, put it, put the bat and burger away. He doesn't want it. When you go to someone, look, obviously you can't say who you

really are. We're shooting you into the wet. Would you like to have a name, a pseudonym? Do you know how many of them often came up with the name Dave? There was a guy tortured people in Columbia. We met him in a sex hotel. This guy was cold, bloody

killer. He cuts people up for a living to find out where this dash is. He literally turned around to us and he said, you could call me Dave. I was on the floor. All right. You told him, you told him to say that. You told him to say that. Like, you

got to go up to a guy like that and go, before we interview, you come here, this will be a laugh. Exactly. That guy's name is Dave. Say your name is Dave because your sort is the last kind of people you'd want to be associated with. It'll be a funny

little joke. Nice sex hotel, by the way. Let's do this. Can I tell you something about the sex hotel as well, which is really, really odd. Yes. Because the air con is on. It's right down on the Pacific coast of Columbia, which is where all the

drugs go up to Los Angeles. And we had to turn this because of Dave Sound, my good mate Dave Williams. We had to turn the air con off, right? So all of a sudden this guy's sitting there. He's got a locked off camera on him. And Jonathan is the big cameraman.

Jonathan who doesn't drink. Jonathan does drink. Jonathan Young is on a penny case. You know, those big plastic cases. Jonathan Lenz. Jonathan Lenz. Yes, you got it. And we suddenly start seeing all the fingerprints because the lube is now becoming apparent, but the

floor is turning into an ice skating rink, right? Now, I am absolutely dripping. Our chat, funny enough, doesn't drip at all. He's talking about cutting up his best friends, how his dad was cut up, how he thinks he's going to get cut up. He's like, he's got a heavy

staff. He's really trying not to get cut up. He's going, anyway, I realised I'm seeing all these hand prints on all these kind of furniture and everything like that. And there's this kind of fridge in the corner that's for the condoms and gel and bizarrely a

comb. What do you want the comb for? Anyway, I certainly don't need the comb, right? Anyway. I want to put it in the fridge. We're doing this interview, right? It's now dripping. The floor has gone like a rink full of lube, right? And Jonathan's on this pellet case

and he slips off it. Now, he's about six foot five and weighs a good, like, 15, 16 stone. The pellet case goes, bang! I jump out on my skin. This lad, who we're interviewing because he was locked on a D5 camera, he didn't move an inch. He's just like, I'm used

to big bangs, funny enough. But yeah, sex hotels. Don't go shooting them, particularly when the town man says, turn the aircon off. Too slippery. It's a slippery occasion. I was taken to hospital to see a psychiatrist by

my heart because my hypochondria was so bad as a child. There was a bloke who used to walk down our street who had a huge nose, big red nose. And somebody said to me, you know why he's got red nose like that? And I said, no.

And they said, because he had cancer in the nose and they had to use a piece of his bum to stick it on his nose. Three weeks later, my mom caught me crying in the sky. In the scullery. Not a kitchen eye here.

I'm not digging. I'm not in a digging level in the scullery. He said, what? I don't have the matches. I've got cancer on the nose. And they're going to tuck it off and put a bit of my bum on

there. He said, well, this is it. He referred me to a psychiatrist at St. Thomas' Hospital. We went home and my mom was very smart. We went there. And I didn't really know what

to expect. What you've got to realise is that I also was at that time. I was 12, but I was a skin head. So I had state breast trousers quite high. Ben Sherman's shirt, skin

head, cutting part in, braces and dog martins. OK. You're the kid from This Is England? Yeah. But one, you know, when skinheads were skinheads, then

this was, you know, 1971. The original skin, you know, I wasn't really a skinhead. I mean, it was like a kid version. You know. And I didn't realise I was

shown into this room. And it was a lecture theatre full of medical students. And I was on a stage. My mom was sitting next to me. And there was a psychiatrist on a stage. And when I walked in, all the

medical students started to laugh. And then when she said, this is Timothy. He's 12 years old. And he's showing signs of hypochondry. They all started tittering

again. I thought, even then, at the time, I thought, it's just a little bit outrageous. I remember thinking, don't think that you're supposed to do that when you're a medical student, apart from being

really humiliated. Then every time I asked a question, I asked, there was titters. There were stifled titters from the audience. Yeah. And then I was taken in.

I was examined. And about 10 of these titterers came in. I was lying on a table. Maybe this is where the acting started. I don't know. Oh, maybe.

Maybe Timothy. Or yeah. There's a 100 percent chance of that. Yeah. It's all come from trauma, clearly. Yeah.

I mean, this is not the word. I mean, I didn't, obviously. I am growing. So slightly bulbous. No. I think that's just age. But I know it's not me bum being put on there.

But no, I got through that. But I did have a worse piece of hypochondry. And we had a very small cactus in our bedroom. Once my brother and I shared it, you know, when we moved to a council flat.

And it fell on me. And it pricked a little bit. And I spent an hour just thinking I was going to turn into a cactus. I thought in the morning I started crying my breath. I said, what's the matter with

you? I said, cactus is falling on me. I'm going to be a cactus in the morning. I'm going to just be a big cactus boy. A cactus boy. I'm going to be a cactus boy

in my bed. I'm going to be a cactus boy in my bed. I said, imagine going in and I'd have to go put me, stay pressed on my bed. Go back to the same. And then they would stop laughing.

It would be frightful. If you were a skinhead cactus. A cactus boy had turned up in his skinhead. The last thing you want from a skinhead is to be a cactus boy, right? Because you know, for a start,

you couldn't be a skinhead because you'd have big spikes sticking out the top of your head. Well, I suppose you could cut a part in between the brick. You thought of that. I'd see what people would

do. They'd be a bit scared of you. They wouldn't know. I mean, I suppose you would probably be a quite intimidating skinhead if you were a cactus skinhead. Yeah.

The last thing you want is to be nutted by a cactus, right? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But then you become a cat. If you were a hyperconductor, you become a cactus dude. I had a revelation with

Boxer Shorts. Yes. Have you ever heard the brand Saks? No. S-A-X-X. Right. So, look, if one could give one

like a gift. Yeah. Like, I'm not even joking, right? So, and I'm not, I have no relationship with coming at all. I think you're about to. The crew who we use,

we had this moment like, what are you wearing? They all pull up a little bit, Calvin Klein or something. And I bought them all sacks. Yeah. If you want to have your balls cradled by an angel.

Yes. All day. Who doesn't? Every day. Yeah. They have, this is the truth, TM, ballpark technology.

I'm going to, before you leave, I've got some downstairs. I'm going to show you some. I'm not going to give you them, but I'm going to, I'm going to, So, if someone said to them,

what's Jamie like as a boss? They'd say, he makes us all wear the same pants. Yeah. Well, I don't have many men in the company. Yeah. We're like 85% ladies.

Yeah. That wouldn't work. But for the men that are here, I have tried to, not, I'm not trying to get them because I'm pushing like a cool brand. Yeah.

It's got nothing to do with cool. And in fact, every, they're not that cool to look at. Yeah. I don't think, but ballpark technology.

But ballpark, I'm not even joking. Do you have a ballpark? No. It's like, if you were saying, what's the one, one of the biggest revelations

in the last two years? Yeah. It's that. Yeah. So if you're a fella listening to this, if you don't believe me, then just try it

because your eyes will go, and check out my tour dates at gamble.co.uk. Yes. Tickets available. And I will be taking that show. Yes. Hello, Jamie.

Hello. No, look, look. And it's really weird. Yeah. Oh. You got some sax pants. He bought in some sax boxer shorts. The same thing is,

you thought it was just me, joking. Literally. No, you have to look. This is the tier. Yeah. They're having a little look inside. The Park Technology.

Park Technology. Oh, so you tuck them in, the little... Oh, that is literally a little pouch for your balls. That's it there, Jamie. I was going to reach in and have a look closer,

and then I realized they are genuinely your pants, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're just taking them off in the toilet and then bought them back in the shower. It's hanging out there

like Bruce Springsteen, hanging out in your jeans, your boxes. No one will know. They look amazing. No one will check them out. Yeah, they cradle them. The cradle.

Thank you, Jamie. See you, Jamie. Well, very rarely do we get a reprise from the guests during the outro. I think that's the first time that's ever happened, let alone they come in

and show us some boxer shorts that they were possibly, may or may not have been wearing earlier in the day and show us where the balls go in the boxer shorts. But it's happened, and if at the start

of this crazy journey known as Off Menu, someone had told us one of the episodes, one of the guests will leave to go and do an interview respectfully for the one show but then reappear

during the outro to show you their boxer shorts and where the balls go in it. I would not have thought well, that will be Jamie Oliver, but that's what's just happened to us in our life and special,

very special moment for us there. I was genuinely about to reach in and touch them. Yeah, you were about to touch where the balls go to see where they go and then you realise as you were about to do it. They've just been there.

Yeah, the balls have literally just been there. I was going to reach in and touch the pants because he had the pants on. He didn't come in and pull his trousers down. I just didn't want to make

him listen to what happened. Yeah, the boxer in his hand, he didn't come in, pull his trousers down and go, have a look at the ballpark technology. Look at where they go. He came in,

holding some boxer shorts, with his trousers up, trousers up, zipped up, done that. I'm presuming he has other boxes on the premises. Yeah, he was holding a pair of boxes,

said look at these, came round, opened the boxes up so we could look inside the boxes and you can see that there was a little compartment for the balls there. I didn't realise,

I didn't think about this, that maybe people listen at home. He came in, pulled down his trousers, said look at these, then look at where the balls go and Ed was at one point tempted to reach in

and touch him. Yeah. Because that isn't what happened. No, that sounds bad. Well, it sounds unusual for the pod. It's not standard pod practice,

but yeah, I forgot that the listener can't see what's happening, so they may have thought that James Oliver just came in. Sorry about that sound, I'm reaching in

and scratching my balls. Yeah, that was Ed, scratching his balls, just scratching his crackly balls. They're a bit dry today, actually. A little bit dry. One of my favourite things

to eat is an oldie and cinema hot dog, a really, really, me and my son were obsessed with him. Yeah. And I think I could have that as my starter.

Yeah, absolutely. I wouldn't have thought. Because that will make me sit in the hot dog as your starter. I wouldn't have one. Not made meal, is it? I don't think so. No, no, no.

Yeah, like in case you go to the cinema and have a hot dog. Which I rarely do, but it doesn't feel, I wouldn't, that wouldn't be my lunch. No, so it's just as- Like I have it instead of

popcorn. Like it's a snack at the cinema. It's a major snack. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a meal, I don't think. So I'd like to have that.

So often, the number of times are so upsetting for myself and my son, because a lot of the time we're going to see like latest action thing. But really we're kind of going for the hot dog and so often they

put that little prod in and say sorry. It's not ready. They've only got three or four on basically everyone's come for the hot dog, not the film. Have you ever gone in, bought a hot dog at the cinema and then left again without going to the film? No, I've never done that. You'd have to penetrate the ticket check, wouldn't you? I said do you because I think you do it Oh really? I think my local cinema, the snack concession is before the ticket check. Very wise of them. Because I would do that. Definitely would do that. So these hot dogs, I've got a lot of questions

about these because you'd be surprised to hear Bob this is the first time that the Odian cinema hot dog has come up on the off menu. Is it one of those ones where they're on those rollers so that the sausage is constantly in motion? Yes. What are those? Because I always look at them. I marvel at the rollers. Is it a warming thing or is it more presentational? Thank you. Because it's interesting, isn't it? I don't know whether the heat is contained within the rollers or whether the rollers are just turning the sausage. I don't know the answer to that.

Sometimes it's best not to know. I would guess heat underneath the rollers. Rollers just do the motion. Because I imagine heated rollers, that's quite extreme. That's going to be pretty pricey for them to maintain that of the Odian cinema. But maybe they can. How confident are you of that? If I took you to an Odian now and they were circulating, would you press firmly on those rollers? Would I put my hand down on the rollers? I think the heat is still coming up from underneath those rollers and making them hot. But I don't think the rollers themselves are generating the heat. So I guess if you took the rollers, if you

moved them away from the rest of the machine and they were just the rollers on their own and you turned them on, I would press my hand against them and I would expect them to be cold. I think. I would be quite confident. I think you're probably right, James, but would you accept there's a tiny bit down? I wouldn't be completely in my head just like, this definitely won't burn me. I think a part of me would be like, I could get burnt here. And there's always a chance that you'd do that and then sort of slip anywhere. I would slip anyway, smack my elbow on it and end up as being my whole body being rolled

round and round. And you end up in the big popcorn place. I end up in the popcorn place. Like a humonculus. The Odian hotdog is one of the last places that you can buy very traditional hotdog. It's a very soft bug. It's a tinned Westerlas, I believe. I have tried to find out. I think it's Westerlas. Nobody seems to know. I did ask on Twitter. People do seem to think it's a Westerlas hotdog. So it's soft and floppy, salty and delicious. Because nowadays, often, hotdog is a real sausage or it's a baguette crusty bread. No, not into that.

So yeah, Odian hotdog would be nice, thanks. Absolutely. The first time I had one of those kind of hotdog sausages. We've, you know, we speak a lot in this podcast about times that, you know, you try something for the first time, blew your mind. You felt like your whole world changed. Yeah. And I definitely think the first time I had one of those sausages, I thought, well, this is the best thing ever.

God, you said it. This is like amazing. And then instantly, I think, articulating that, vocalizing it to my parents and getting told those are disgusting and you shouldn't eat those because it's bad. That's not even proper meat and all that stuff. But they are amazing. They're amazing. And proper meat, they are proper in the sense of the word that that's proper for a hotdog. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

When they start fiddling, it's like having an interest in something in your life is important, isn't it? And the hotdog isn't a terrible place to experiment with. I wonder why it's like having an interest in your life because like, so you try a hotdog whenever one appears. And it is interesting that Arsenal football ground, they serve literally the worst hotdog. Even the Arsenal fans will say, if you go on there, it's an extraordinary thing. It's like it's got quite a tough case in like we're not at the end. Do you know that? Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, but look, it's really like when you split it, water comes out of it. It's a stinker. Yeah, that's bad. There's probably some people who love it, but whoa. I mean, so if you were, say, the manager of Arsenal Football Club, you use your substitute genie to change the hotdogs every week. That'd be the plan. Yeah, change the hotdog.

Yeah. The fans would be livid if you were losing like one nil or it was a draw. And then you were like, no, we're going to use the play to change the hotdogs again. Yeah. I think it wouldn't be a bad shout if you're four nil up. Yeah. Yeah. Genie. Yeah.

I don't know whether you could, though, James, because it won't affect the play, will it? Well, it could affect the play because it would affect the fans morale and their encouragement to the team. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would affect the play. So then here, this huge cheer go up because of the end of that hotdog. Well, there might be like, imagine a little boy sat in the stands.

He's crying because he's got a terrible hotdog. Yes. And then just changes. Yeah. That's the sound it would make. Yeah. It changes and then suddenly he's happy. Yeah.

The rest of the fans catch on and then a big draw goes up. Yeah, they forget all the problems of anger and expector in an instant. I love my team. I love my team. An oldian hotdog here at the Emirates. Always use the genie. It's a genie play again. What are you putting on the hotdog before we move on to the mains?

I think we need to know, is it just a plain hotdog? It's just a plain hotdog and the yellow and the red. I think it's Heinz in the oldian. It must be Heinz. I think it says on the bottles, Heinz. Yeah. And so I'll buy into that. I don't suppose they fill them up with Costco.

Out of order if they do. You'd be able to tell. How are you putting it on? Because obviously we can put it on in any style. What I do is, hold it like that, which is nice to have something that you hold like that, isn't it? It's not so often. Yeah. Sorry, I know people can't see, but you hold it.

The sort of craze. And then from one end to the other. Straight lines. Yeah. Sorry about that. Okay. People can hear how heavy you put the bottle down. That's good.

And then the other side of the sausage, the other color, the same. Yeah. And then with the finger, is that your ring finger? No. Your pointing finger? Index finger. Index finger. I swirl them both together.

Then lick the finger. Let's say it's good to be alive. And then stroll to me. Dark seat. Yeah. You've got to do that before you get into the dark seat. Has your son adopted this as well? Yeah.

Actually, isn't this nice? This shows the true bond between a father and a son that he allows me to do his swirly mix with my finger. But you do his first, they take it. I do. There's yours. Because you can't do yours. Lick your finger and then do your son's. Yeah.

Someone else's hot dog first. Yeah. There's much of one for extreme cleanliness. Yeah. I don't sort of frolic around in dog dirt. But you know, I'm not that bothered about that sort of thing. I hope I've passed it on to my children. How old is your son?

23. No, he's not. He is? And he still lets you... It still lets you swirl his ketchup and mustard together with his hot dog with your finger. So he goes to the cinema with you, 23 years old. Yeah. That's nice.

It doesn't go without. That's lovely. That's lovely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess his hot dog. Yeah. Ketchup and mustard goes on and then in plain sight of everyone, his dad turns and then puts his finger around his hot dog and swirls it together, then puts his finger in his mouth and says it's good to be alive. It's good to be alive, son.

I don't want to really let you go today without talking about hello Jill. Why hello Jill, I know. Oh, poor Jill's checked out that, you know. Okay, well I didn't know that. There was me and of course Alison and then this little lady sitting in between us on the sofa. Do you remember that scene? Yeah. Oh my God, Craig James is wet and self laughing.

Not only do we remember it, Ainsley, we talk about it, I'd say at least three times a week. We love it. It's my favourite thing to watch on YouTube. I love the way that you come into the room. Really? Yeah, you sneak past the door like that, you close the door behind you. That's funny. Hello Jill.

Do you remember that? And they gave her a brand new TV. She was so small, wasn't she? Yeah. And she was there. And there's me out in the kitchen, in Jules' kitchen, and trying to make her this surprise meal and stuff, and I'm going for it. And every drawer that I open up, there's a packet of bags in there.

More importantly, there's about three or four packets that are empty. And they think, I might find something in there one day. And they've got these empty packets. Every time I look for something, I go this one. I go to the bottom one, open it like that. And it would be something like Sobrani or something like that. You know, weird facts that you only smoke at Christmas. You know?

Bless her. I love an old lady's smokes. Yeah, great. My great-grandma, we bought her a nightie for her birthday once. And the next time we went over there, the nightie was on her bed and had a massive fag-a-hole beard. And we didn't know she smoked. She was like, oh, yeah. She took it out when she was 75, we'd just have a cigarette in bed every night.

Terrifying. The most dangerous time to have a cigarette. Oh, I know. The only thing that would have made Hello Jill better is if she was smoking when you came in. I know, I know. She did sneak off for a fag. She did. Yeah, of course.

She liked her little fags. She went off in the garden when there was a break. You know, you send it back to Aiman and Ruth in the studio. She's off having her little fag and little brownie fingers. Fantastic. Why Hello Jill? She had no idea what was going on. Let's talk about that moment, Aimee, because like...

She's the four black men. Talk about that moment because you're outside of Jill's. You're waiting to come into Jill's living room. Yeah. They've handed you a frying pan. Did you know that you were going to deliver it like that? I had no idea. I had no idea because they're standing there now and then they go...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Go. Go. There's all the signs. You know, you have all the kind of people standing on the side and then you go in because they're now the cameras in the right position. And I think Allison has got Jill to sit down. So it's kind of...

It gives me an entrance. And when I walk in, I want to piss myself laughing. Because Allison is about four times the size of Jill. She's nearly disappearing. Like a... Why Hello Jill? And Allison is looking at me and I'm looking at how he's looking at me. There you go.

This is a good king. What a bunch of national treasures. Wow. But it's about time, James. We heard from an international treasure. Oh, man. Now, the international treasure... This is a big one.

This was a big moment. Do you know what? I actually can't believe it going over the highlights of this year. This is absolutely mad. The amount of things that we've covered so far in this... It's not even the end of episode one yet. It's pretty great. Yeah.

This next international treasure became something of a phenomenon with the off-menu listeners. Yes. We lost control of our own podcast. This person railroaded us. Yeah. They basically sold their vodka on the podcast for 40 minutes. We aren't, of course, talking about the Ghostbuster himself, Dan Akkoid.

Actual Dan Akkoid. Mind-blowing. I mean, it's difficult to include too many clips from the Dan Akkoid episode because it is in itself an entire clip. Yes. So we considered putting the whole episode out again and calling it the best of, but people probably would have gone mad. So let's just play the bit where we got the approval of Dan Akkoid.

If I may ask you a Ghostbusters question... Sure. ...and bring in Crystal Head... No, all right. ...at the end of the Ghostbusters... The first film, Ghostbusters, the first one. Yeah, yeah. You've got to not think of anything

because if you think of anything, it will materialize. I don't know. What are you doing now? Do you think these days you would think of Crystal Head and then you would look down and through the streets there's coming a giant skull glass? And how? A, do you think that's what you would think of

and that is what would then attack the city? And B, how would the Ghostbusters defeat it? Man, if I had to go back and be that character right there, I probably would go blank. I wouldn't think of anything because you've got to be careful what you wish for. Do you think Crystal Head would just win? Do you think it would be a very different film?

It would be unbeatable. Well, the head is very benevolent, you see. The head has a nice little smile. The head, I mean, it could appear in the sky and rain down good vodka on the crowd in the movie, I suppose, but no, it's not... Well, some operators. Now, the Aztec were able to operate it

for causes of doom and destruction, apparently. But they were mostly known as Crystal Balls in North America and Central America, the indigenous tribes, the Anasazi, the Zuni, the Navajo, the Aztec, the Mayans. They all had a Crystal Head. So it's a benevolent skull. It's a smiling skull.

But in its history, I'm sure it was used by operators to call down doom upon enemies and rivals. So the lore goes of the 13 Crystal Heads, which is what we based our design on. In history, the Stave Puffer-Puffer Marshmallow Man is very nice and friendly. He is part of history. But then at the end, turned up and was extremely...

You know, because when he was all thought of it... Yeah, he was, you know, on all the bags in stores for kids at campfire and was thought of as benevolent. And that's why Stantz thought of the most benevolent thing. But you've got to be careful what you wish for. You've got to be careful. Now that we just have something in Canada called the Angeles Marshmallow Man.

It's a cop. The Stave Puffer Marshmallow Man was a sailor, if you'll recall. It's a little different. But I based that on the Angeles Man and the Pillsbury Doughboy or the Michelin-Tire Man. All cute, pudgy little creatures. Wow, sure.

But watch out. They have a bad side. What do you think is the best profession for someone made entirely of marshmallow? Good question. Would it be a cop or a sailor, or maybe another job? Unemployed. Oh, psychiatrist.

Because you could just keep peppering when they'd absorb. Keep peppering when they'd absorb. And they wouldn't need a couch. You could just lie on their stomach and talk about your problems. Indeed. Well, I hope I've helped you here for your project. Is someone actually going to try to cook this meal?

Yeah. Benito's going to try and cook it. Ah. There we are. Well, you did help us with our project, Dan. Thank you so much. You helped us so much with our project. Yeah.

In a way. I mean, in the short term, it didn't feel like you had, but when it went out. It was like, if you're like, oh, can I have some help with my homework, please, dad? And then your dad does the entire project for you in his own words without looking you in the eye and then says he hopes he helped and leaves.

Yeah. And then the teacher looks at it and goes, your dad did this. Your dad did this. You don't know about this stuff. Yeah. Half of it's about vodka. Yeah.

So that's the end of part one of the best of. Don't worry, though, because there will be a part two and it'll be out tomorrow. Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody. Ainsley. Anything to say on the matter? Get back in your fucking lamp.

It's high time someone told me to do it. And finally, someone said it. Hello. It's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since.

And I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories

that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to.

Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog.

You've left it so late.