Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Best of 2022: Part 1

Episode Date: December 28, 2022

It's been another delectable year of Off Menu. And here's part one of our favourite clips of 2022. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? It's the end of 2022, James, and it's been our biggest and best year of off menu yet. Maximum national treasures, minimal cheese boards, and we showed the Tooch a picture of a cat. Here's part one of our favourite clips from the 44 episodes that we've put out this year. 44? As we often say here off menu, Bonito is an excellent... I was going to say it with you. Ah.

Because we often say it. Oh, okay. This is the first time we're reading this, obviously, James, because Bonito has written this, so let's see what he said. Yes. As we often say here off menu, Bonito is an excellent producer and close personal friend. But also, we often say, James, that food is about comfort. Food is about comfort. Bonito, neither of us have ever said that. Neither of us have ever said that shit. We don't say that about you.

So we start this year's compilation with some comforting, heartwarming descriptions of homemade food from James. Charlotte Church, Taron Edgerton, Matt Lucas, Saquisa, and Lenny Henry. What a crazy group of guests we've had on. Imagine. The way in which I was brought up, right, was in a very nutritionally deficient way. We were like, I was raised on, like, turkey dinosaurs and microchips and spam, and my family are obsessed with cheese on a plate.

I love it. So there's nothing else happened apart from it being melted cheese on a plate. That's it. So I mean, I've never heard of melted cheese on a plate as a side dish. I absolutely love this. How are they melting the cheese separately and then pouring it onto the plate? Or is it on the plate? You stick the whole plate under the grill?

The cheese is on the plate, and it just goes straight under the grill. The cheese melts on the plate. That is considered a bit of tea. So the plate must be, like, boiling hot, so you can't touch the plate. You're going to burn yourself. So have you all got a fork, and you're getting yourself a bit of cheese and eating it? Or what's going on? I can't even picture.

In my head, it's this flat bit of cheese. Yeah. Are you grating it on? Because I imagine the cheese is getting grated onto the plate, then grilled. Or is it there's a block of cheese on the plate, and then that melts? It's just a block of cheese on the plate. A block. And then it gets melted.

You often will just, like, put a tea towel onto the plate, so it's variable, and then crack on with the melted cheese. Just eat them. It's just Welsh fondue, basically, isn't it? Yeah, totally. Cheese on a plate, babes. Working-class Welsh fare. Cheddar?

Is it cheddar? Is that what we were talking here? Oh, it's probably been a cathedral city. It's nothing partial, you know? Yeah, yeah. Love it. Wow. Say I'm hungover and I'm having a curry.

I mean, I'll introduce mayonnaise to a curry. Oh, wow. Or I'll put it on. I mean, people who don't put mayonnaise on pizza drive me up the wall. What? I don't. Yeah, no. I know what you mean, actually.

People who don't put jam on a burger, aren't they? Terry, you can't pitch that as a universal crime. No, I can't. You know these people? I know. The history books are full of people everyone said was mad until they invented light bulb or something. Sure, yeah.

Yeah, it's just similar. Yeah, yeah. It's exactly like that. You know, if you've got a pizza, particularly I feel if it's like a frozen pizza that's a bit uninspiring, if you take a big old dollop of mayonnaise from a jar and you just spread it on top like butter over a crumpet, I promise you, it's going to take that thing to the next level. Listen.

You've got to just expand the way you're thinking because the components are the same as a sandwich, it's bread, it's a tomato sauce, it's meat, it's veg, it's all the same thing. It's just in a slightly different form. And you would never go, you put in mayonnaise on a sandwich, you're heathen. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm open to the idea. I like that you do it.

I think the issue that we had is people who don't put mayonnaise on a pizza do my head in. Because that's everybody except you, Terence. Okay. All right. Okay. Well, perhaps I may have been a little bit overzealous in the introduction of the idea, but I would encourage everyone to try it.

So when you're preparing for a film role and being healthy, it's pretty easy. You just cut out mayonnaise, slathered pizzas. Yeah. That's the way I lose the first stone. Because I like, you know, when you're ordering a pizza and sometimes you can get dips and stuff and sometimes you'll be able to get like a sriracha mayo or something like that to dip the crust. I love that.

Yeah. And then I thought maybe Terence means like a drizzle all round, like, you know, sometimes you'll see that. I'll do that as well. You'll do that. But at no point did I expect you to say you're getting the mayo and you're spreading it over the full surface of the pizza, like an extra topping. Like, and I do quote, a crumpet.

Yeah. I thought a crumpet. I mean, it really, it does depend in what mode I'm in. But yeah, if I'm, if I'm, if I'm really going for it, that's, that's perfectly possible. Is that, is that hang, that's hangover food, right? That's hangover food. You know, when it feels like tomorrow is never going to come anyway, so it doesn't matter. And then inevitably Monday morning does come and you feel disgusting.

Not only still hungover, you've had a mayonnaise-covered crumpet pizza. Exactly. And you're wondering why you're sat in your flat alone. Mutzable soup. Lovely. Lovely. And I make it myself now. Ah.

So I'd actually like rather obnoxiously and conceitedly to have my own muttable soup. Oh, absolutely. Well, it's chicken soup. It's, it's like a consomme, is it? Very, very interesting soup. Yes, it's chicken soup. I mean, I can take you through the whole process of how I make it. Please, please.

It's very dull. Oh, no. Our listeners will love it because people can then go away and make it themselves. All right. Okay. So this is, this is what I recommend, right? Okay. So what you need is, so I've got a giant pot because I was making this every week and

it's a kerfuffle, right? And it's a probably 36 hours before, from when you start making it to when you can eat, start eating it. And I was doing it every week and then getting four portions out of it. And so am I allowed to cough? Yeah. Okay. One sec.

And then. Imagine if we said no. Wow. And I was talking to my voice for a bit like this as I've been holding in all the phlegm. You know, the power that we had on this pot. It's intense and very sexual. I bought a big 32 liter pot from Amazon. I really recommend Amazon, by the way.

Oh, yeah. It's very good. It's a website. Mm-hmm. And, yes, www. And is the dot, do you write out dot? You write out the word dot. The word dot.

Yes. Short for dot cotton. I used to do that. Terrible. I used to say the EastEnders website is www.eastenders.com. Yeah. That's funny. Yeah, it's good.

It's very funny. Oh, well, sorry. I mean, it'll never be funny. So I buy this big pot from Amazon and then I go to Panzer's Delicatessen in St. John's Wood because there you can buy not just chicken, you can buy kosher chicken, right? But also boiler chicken. So what you're actually buying is quite an old chicken, which is quite lean. Doesn't have a lot of meat on it because it's really all about the bones and the, you know,

the giblets and all that kind of stuff. So what I do is I've got this big pot and then what some people do is they put the water in and they sort of boil, they bring the water to a boil with the chicken in it in the pot and then they skim the surface because all the, that kind of foam, that coagulant, you know, if you have a boiled chicken in water, it just, it foams up like a matey bubble bath but kind of rancid matey bubble bath, right? Rancid matey, yeah. And some people skim that foam off, but what I don't do that, what I do is I decant the

chicken into another pot because I don't want any of that. So the first 20 to 30 minutes of the boil actually, you just see all the grease on top and everything and the foam and everything, I'm just like, don't want that. And that I think is when Vietnamese people make pho, I always say pho but it's... Yeah. Yeah. Tho. Or Japanese people make ramen, I don't think they skim off the top.

They decant into another pot, right? Which is why the broth is kind of clear and lighter that way. So what's going on is in the main pot, while the chicken is having its first 20 to 30 minutes being brought to the boil to get rid of the foam and the first bit of fat, in the small pot. In the big pot goes, everything peeled, carrots, celery, onion, spring onion, leek, sometimes swede, parsnip, yeah, those things, right? But I bought these things, again, off amazon.com called soup socks, which are small nets, right,

that you... You wear while you're cooking. Yeah. They're small nets and you put all your vegetables into a net and then you tie up the top. So it's like a sort of stocking with all the veg in it, right? And what that means is that the veg doesn't sort of soften so much and sort of distributes around the soup. It keeps it all together and also means that at the very end of the soup, you can take

out just one big sort of sock of veg rather than you're trying to sort of slowly scoop out bit by bit by bit. What you're doing with the sock of veg after you take it out? Right. So we're not there yet. Slap some of it. So I do... Well, I'll tell you.

Once the chicken has coagulated, that's added to the main soup. So we've got a giant pot with a whole chicken in, sometimes two chickens, right? And loads and loads and loads and loads and loads of vegetables in a sock. Then I add some salt and I add some pepper, add a tiny bit of brown sugar and I add some Maggie seasoning. Oh. You know, Maggie seasoning? Yeah.

It's sort of a bit like soy sauce. If you don't have any Maggie seasoning, put a bit of soy sauce in. And then I do add a bit of a cheat, some Osem chicken powder, which is like a sort of powdered stock. And I add a bit of that for flavour. And then I kind of let it all simmer, I bring it to the boil and I let it simmer for several hours. Oh nice.

Several hours. At the end of that, I take it off the stove and I let it cool down overnight. And then the next day, and it's quite good actually, if you make this in winter or when it's a cold day, because the next day you come and hopefully the top of the soup has sort of hardened a little bit, the fat has risen to the top and hardened. And then you skim all that off, takes a little while and that's your soup. But what I don't do is use all those kind of mushy veg. What I'll do is I'll boil new vegetables, put it in the soup when I'm having the soup.

And that is the most boring five minutes of your life. No, it's really not though, because I was there with you while you were making it. This is the bread and butter of this podcast. And I freeze it, so then I put it into portions and I freeze it and I might get 25 portions of that and I'll do that in October and that's my soup for the winter. And it's good for about six months and then after that it's not as good. You can still eat it, but it's just not as good. And then I'll make muttsables, which are the great, lovely sort of carb of the soup.

And I'll also add noodles and then I will add carrot when I'm eating it and some chicken breast I'll add as well. This is great. It's good. It's about one particular party, which is a house party. I talk about food in this show, in one section of it, because I think there's a massive difference between, I don't want to sound like I'm being discriminative against white people. It's just from my own experience, okay?

Just from my own experience. I think there's a difference of when white people have house parties in the food that they put in that party compared to black people. Because I have been to several house parties, quotes, where I've been told you don't need to eat. And I've turned up and there's been cold sausage rolls, pineapples on sticks, cheese. Keep talking. Yeah.

Cheese. Me and James are drooling. Yeah. Like what? And there's been hummus, like four different types of hummus and bread and like cheese, just different types of cheese. But I'm like, okay, this is not food and I've had to order like a delivery to the party. Have you genuinely gone to a house party in order to deliver it for yourself before?

Yeah. Don't look at me like I'm mad to Keith there. You look at me like I was mad. I'm impressed. I think it's an amazing move. I've ordered a dominoes to a birthday party that I didn't know anyone at the party. Wow. And was the dominoes, this is the key question, just for you or for the party?

Yeah. Yeah. I do. Yeah. And well done. Well done. Did you keep it just for you or did someone else get in on it? The person I was dating at the time had some one slice before you realised.

Yeah. Because I was like, well it's your fault, you told me not to eat, so this is your fault. I've ordered a KFC to a house party before, just no adequate food for me then. So what is good house party food? For me, you've got to have at least minimum three different types of chicken. Yeah. When you say types, what are you talking about? What do you mean?

The cut of the chicken, the flavour of the chicken, the restaurant is coming from, what different types of chicken? Oh, God. Okay, we're going to go, I feel like this is now going to go into chicken. Yeah. Like a whole lot. I feel like the podcast will just be about chicken, which is fair enough. We'll say different types of chicken, like obviously there's fried chicken, jerk chicken,

barbecue chicken, roast chicken, wings, which is separate, by the way. Absolutely. Yeah. So we're not going to get started on wings today, you say you're like, we can't go down that road. No, we can't do it. You've got a cater for the vegans nowadays, so you've got to have the wing or like the chicken with the K.

The chicken, the chicken, the chicken, the chicken, you've got to have that. And then you've got like stew chicken, curry chicken. There's different types of chicken, but you have to have a minimum of three at a house party. What's your top three that you want to see when you walk into a house party? If they've only got three, what three types of chicken are you after? And we know cold chicken drumsticks are given with no seasoning. Do you want me to walk out of the podcast?

Do you actually want me to walk out of this podcast? I was just giving you a freebie. James, baked chicken breast. Oh boy. With a bit of ketchup to dip it in? Now you're just egging me on. No, no, no, no, no. So if you are at a house party, I will say you can have chicken skewers.

I will add that. Yeah, you can have chicken skewers, fried chicken and chicken wings. Minimum. Yeah, minimum. Minimum. And then obviously you've got to have course law, potato salad, rice and peas, plain rice, macaroni pie, salad, curry goat, fish, dumplings. It's all, I mean, needless to say, but it's all like store bought stuff, just like in the tubs.

Maybe the potato salad and the course law, if you haven't got time to make it, but no. No, no, no, no, no. No. So the thing is with all that, at a house party, you want to be moving around, you want to be mingling, which is why a little mini quiche is so convenient. So just so you can take a little mini quiche, pop it in your mouth, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat. Yeah, but you can chat with a plate in your hand if you're dancing with a mini quiche. Wobbles in a really satisfying way and enhances the dance.

You can dance with two carrot batons with hummus on the end. All right, so you eat at the beginning of the, all right. So, okay, you tell people the house party is going to start at eight, which means it starts at nine. Not in my house. Ed's parties are not fun. If we start at nine, how's it going to be over by 10.30? Oh, boys, you don't need to throw it off the menu house party, please. Please let it happen.

And please, can I be invited? There'll be no judgment. Just me just writing some notes. You feel a bit judged when the dominoes arise. Yeah, so you've got to, like, make sure you get enough food ready for the start of the party. And then if you want to, you can have leftovers for people to nibble at later on. But people will normally eat at the beginning of a house party. Just have a, on a plate, mingle, have a chat.

And then the music is not like the banging dancing music at the beginning. It's just like the casual, good vibes. It's going to be a good night house party kind of music. And then once everyone's finished, then you throw in the bangers. And then everyone's dances off the food that they just ate. Exercise, people. I already know what he's going to say. And by bangers, do you mean mini cocktail sausages?

Nearly said it. Saw you open your mouth like that, he's got it. He's going to say, cold cocktail sausages on a stick. Your dream main course now, we have a feeling this is going to be a home cooked thing. My mom was a great cook. She cooked the same thing every day for 30 years. She had different days of the week. So Saturday was Saturday soup, which is what I'm going to choose.

Saturday was a Jamaican roast, which is chicken and rice and peas and hard food, which is yam and chocho and sweet potato and stuff, dumplings. Monday, as we started to move out to the weekend and run out of money, it might be meat and potatoes and stuff. Tuesday chicken, Wednesday, no money, pilchards and white rice. Thursday, really no money, sardines, sardines and potato. Friday, fish and chips or a fish thing. Saturday, Saturday soup. She did the same thing every day.

We really look forward to Saturday because we'd only just had pilchards. So we've got PTSD from pilchards and white rice. We don't want to eat tinned fish and rice anymore. Can we have something nice? So we get to Saturday half, thank God. And she would get up in the morning and she'd put the mutton on. The mutton has to simmer for quite a long time because quite tough meat. So she'd simmer the mutton for a couple of hours until it was falling off the bone.

Mutton, thyme, garlic, onions, simmer, leave it. Then she'd, when it was cooked, then all the vegetables go in. This is the yam. Yam is quite a fibrous carb, carby white vegetable. Cut that up into blocks. No, kind of, it's peasant food so you don't have to kind of be nice about it. Carrots, the dumplings can go in now and whatever other, you know, Scotchpot, bonnet pepper maybe can go in.

That goes in half an hour. Last 20 minutes the potatoes go in. So you've got this quite big. I mean, we're talking literally a vat of food here with liquid in it. And so we'd all get our own churrin. That's what I remember. We'd all get our enormous churrin of food and it would be the liquid and then potatoes, dumplings, yam, mutton, sometimes on the bone,

sometimes if you're lucky, chunks of melty meat and carrots with the time and the garlic and everything. Oh my God, every Saturday. So you'd eat this every Saturday and it kind of took on legendary proportions. And when I left home to be a professional comedian, I used to dream of it because I was eating Chinese and Korean stuff and going out to Greek restaurants and exploring other cuisines. But I did think, oh, my mom's food is up there with this.

I can, you know, my mom's food is good. She had this thing where she would put beef in foil and put loads of aromatics around it, garlic and stuff and pinch it and put it on a very low heat for hours. This food, this meat fell apart and it was delicious and tasty and succulent. So she was a clever cook and I'd get home, I'd be in like Huddersfield and I'd drive home overnight and I'd get there Saturday morning and the soup would be on and I'd be like, oh, thank God.

And I would just eat this soup and it would have that kind of sense feeling of home and safety and stability and you'd eat it and you'd immediately fall asleep and you'd wake up when the wrestling was on. So you'd need the soup had been good if Mick McManus was punching somebody in the face when you woke up. So it was always that. It's delicious and tasty and garlicky and the meat was always succulent and you did suck the bone and I know that sounds horrible

but there was stuff inside the bone like the marrow that was always really tasty and I think it was legendary that dish and I've tried to cook it. Me and my brother, as we try and do mom's cake as a thing in our family and nobody quite gets it right. Don't bend it enough. We always think the burning is wrong but actually and we do the soup and we can get close. Rusty Lee's got a good Saturday soup recipe

but the Saturday soup is the thing I would choose. We've also had our fair share of disgusting sounding food. Here's Stanley Tucci, Josh Thomas and Alex Horn. And you know, we were in France and we ordered an Andriette. Do you know what that is? Do you know what it is? Absolutely like he did know. It's like a sausage but with horrid stuff in it, right?

Yes, exactly. We didn't know that. And we thought, oh, we love Andrii sausages. Andrii sausage is in the South in America. You get Andrii sausages like New Orleans. It's really delicious. Great. So Andriette must be a smaller version of an Andrii sausage. Everyone would assume that, surely. Everyone, yes. Anyone who has any kind of something.

And so they bring this thing and basically it looks like a horse cock. And I was like, what the fuck is that? And I look at Meryl and I go, it's not what I expected. She goes, no, no, no, no, no. We had all ordered it. We were like, okay, well, I'm going to give it a try. We were thinking we're so worldly. Like, oh, I'm going to do it.

Cut it, put it in your mouth. Literally, it didn't even get past my uvula. And I spat it out. I was so, I was like, ugh. Which sounded, that sounds really French. Yeah, it was, yeah. Yeah, and all I was saying was, I was, it was so awful. And I was like, oh, God, what is that?

That just tastes like, you know, shit. And Meryl goes, yes, well, it does have a bit of the barnyard. And it was just awful and we just couldn't eat it. And it felt so bad because people were so nice in the restaurant, which is unusual for friends. And the guy came over and he said, are you enjoying the broth? And we were like, oh, yeah, it's fantastic. Yeah, you like the Andriettes?

I was like, yeah, no, it's really good. It's just different from other Andriettes we've had. So, you know, and he goes, would you like something else? Yes, can we have, can we have four of them? Let's play, you know. Yeah, I'm sure that happens multiple times a day. I'm sure, yeah, I'm sure. And some people, but it's prized by some people in that region.

And I think Leon, too, or something, you know, it's like, it's like this thing. They're devoted to it. But they're probably very proud of the fact that other people don't like it as well, right? Yes. Well, I wrote in the book, I said, it's the reasons the Germans left Normandy. Because we were in Normandy. I said, it wasn't the Allies invasion. It was the fucking Andriettes. Yeah, drove them away, you know.

That episode about the brothers. It's like, oh, that's my handkerchief. It's popped my evens. Get out of here. This is awful. Literally awful. I was in Tokyo, my friend, and exchange student that used to live with her there.

So, they took us around. And so, it was very hard for this whole thing to not be about that weekend. One of the things we tried, which is not what I'm putting on there, was blowfish, which, as you can imagine, was very thrilling for me. Because I like food to be weird and dangerous. And blowfish can kill you. And it's not something you can just go out and eat, right? The chefs have to train for ages and ages.

I don't need to explain how blowfish is. We've all seen The Simpsons. Yeah, I've all seen The Simpsons, right? Yeah. And at this restaurant, because a lot of restaurants in Japan, they just do one thing, which is really fun. So, if you go to a place... Caviar.

Yeah, well... Something to do with caviar. Yeah. Yeah, that's not... Yeah. And then, you know, the place just has a mackerel. This place just has blowfish. And then, it's multi-course.

You get blowfish every way. So, you walk in, and all the tanks are filled with blowfish around you. And then, you sit down. And then, you have blowfish every way imaginable. You get blowfish sashimi, fried blowfish. They make a soup at the table where they put the blowfish in. And they do, I think, pan-seared blowfish. I'm just making up different ways of cooking.

And then, they brought out blowfish testicles. What?! And we ate blowfish testicles, which are, like, this big, white, puffy balls. You can, like, Google them. So, the testicles puff up with the fish? I don't know whether they're... They're, like, big and kind of foamy and white. And they've got, like, a kind of...

Like, the top has been kind of, like... I guess they put it under a grill or something. So, it's like a little, like, caramelized on top. Yeah. And then... Testicle brulee, sort of thing. Well, it's like caramelized. I mean, more, like, just browned a little bit.

Yeah. And there's no sugar in there, you know? So, how big in comparison to the blowfish itself? So, I think it must, when it cooks, blow up. Yeah. So, it's like half a fist. I can't remember. I don't know how to...

There's only a good size metric. Yeah. Bigger than you would think. Yeah, okay. That's all I need to know. Yeah. Bigger than I would think. Because now I'm thinking about it, and I've made it bigger.

Yeah. There was, like, four of us, and we all had a bit of it. It was just one. They gave you one. I think the whole time, we're just eating one blowfish. Oh, wow. And they cross it out, and you eat the whole blowfish. I don't know.

It's hard to really know. So, they must give you two testicles, right? Yeah. I think there's two in the bowl. Actually, maybe we had three. So, that doesn't make sense. Oh, I don't know anything about a blowfish. No.

Join me on Google, and I'll show you a picture. It doesn't seem that interesting for people at home now, is it? I think I can safely say it's a lot of asking I want to see. So, that was interesting. Oh, and then, at the end, just when you think they've done it all, they had a dried blowfish fin, and they dip it in sake and lit it on fire, and then put it back in the sake, and then you drink the sake. That's crazy.

I mean, that guy was making it up as well. Oh, guys, we've got, we promised them 15 blowfish courses, and we've really run out of stuff. Dry the fin, set it on fire, put it in sake. Yeah. Did it change the flavor of the sake? Could you see why they did it? I didn't like sake back then.

Yeah. So, I don't think I really, I probably had it once or twice, so it was, you know, now I love it, but back then I didn't really like it, so I don't know what it was meant to taste like or what it did. I burnt myself out on it. I did, I'd never had it before. Then I did, like, a tasting course thing at, like, this convention. You just go around and try all the different sake.

And then, halfway through, I was like, I think I like sake. And then, by the end, I was like, I'm never drinking this again. Did you ever have, like, the brown sake? Like, the kind of more, like, no, I had that once and never again. I had jellied sake. Have you had that before? You get it in little cans. I'm in little cans, and it's like lemon-flavored jellied sake.

Yeah. And I love that. That's a real treat. Yeah, sometimes they take that to, like, a picnic with my friends. Sure. Like a little treat, you know. That does sound nice. I love that one.

Yeah, you love that one. I love the jelly one. You wouldn't otherwise have sake? No, I've had it. I wasn't mad into it, but, like... I feel like you get a lot of, like, a lot of the sake here is shit. Uh-huh. You know?

And that's like a problem. And no one knows how to, like, navigate the menu. So it's like, how do you know what you're ordering, you know? Yeah. Just look for the jellied one. Like, sometimes people, like, I had sake. It was shit. It's like, but yeah, but if you have, like, two wines in your life, you're not going to

like it. Yeah. I like it. So, for your main course, you want the testicles? No. I want another thing we did that weekend. Well, another, like, really special meal that weekend was we went to his grandma's house, and his grandma made us, like, full Japanese breakfast with, like, all the little, like,

containers of, like, miso salmon and rice and, like, pickles and all this stuff. That's amazing. That's really good. And, like, an old, like, Japanese town. That's, like, a real dream. But my favorite thing I ate there, because one of my favorite Japanese foods is eel on rice. Uh-huh.

You know, with, like, the barbecue sauce. Yeah. And they took us to this place, and it's, like, a little, like, in the country, it's, like, a little, like, Japanese kind of style, like, kind of, like, building, like, you'd imagine. And then, because we had tourists, they take us out the back, and they had, like, hundreds of eels in these tanks, like, slithering around, and there was blood everywhere. And then you order the eel, and they, like, kill it and cook it there in the little hut. Uh-huh.

And then that, and that's what I'm having. Bring out the napkin. Yeah, you don't want to get under a napkin for this? No. Even the eel and the blood hut? Well, it's fine to eat it. There was a lot of blood, yeah. It was, like, we wanted it, and then they took us out, and, like, yeah, there was more blood

than we probably wanted. But it's the best eel you've ever had. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, I'm sure. It's one of my favorite dishes. So it's, like, the best version of my best dish. Yeah, yeah, that's fair enough. Freshwater eel, is it?

Unagi, is that right? Is that the word? I didn't, I guess so. Yeah, it's really delicious. I know, with the barbecue on top and that. Yeah. It's really delicious stuff. It's really nice, and I feel like it's never, like, uh, I don't know if it's one of these

things, I feel like, you know, we only get that good quality, because there's, like, so much sauce in it. Why would they bother, you know? Okay. Yeah, yeah, sure. It's like, you gotta, like, you know, like, like, food quarts and stuff. Yeah. And it's like, it's delicious anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? But you need it in the blood heart, right? In the blood heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that adds something. It's like, you really have to go to a special place to get them to kill the eel fresh. Yeah, yeah. You just don't see that much.

You don't see that much, you know? Yeah, the fresher the better. You want to, you want to, you want to see the look in its eyes. As it dies. As it realizes, and then you get to eat it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Fair enough. Eel from the blood heart it is. We're going to have the liquid from a moul marignier stirred in with some bread sauce. Wow. Because they're the two nicest liquids in the world. Now, I've seen you drink beer though in the past. Yeah, but it's because you can't often get what I want. I always ask for it.

So do you have any moul marignier juice? Mixed with bread sauce. Mixed with bread sauce. No, because this is a fancy restaurant and that's why I'd always wanted to have an empty cup. Maybe with some bay leaves. So this is our second Christmas episode of this year. Well, you've done that wrong.

We do two Christmas episodes every year. Do you? Yeah. Who's in the other one? Mel. You've done it right. Mel also chose to drink bread sauce at one point. Really?

Yeah. Not for her drink drink. Not for her drink drink. For her Christmas dinner. The bread sauce is great. I don't understand it. My wife had it the first time at my house, our first Christmas together when Sheila made it and she couldn't believe it.

She said, this is going to be horrible and she loves it. Well, it sounds mad. If you've never heard of bread sauce. Bread sauce. You think that's butter? It's crazy. Well, your wife must have thought, you know, being a Catholic, it was liquid body of Christ. Bread sauce.

You do call it bread sometimes, don't you? But it's definitely not bread. Yeah. That was what he broke first of all at the last supper. He didn't have those wafers on hand. No. He was like, but he broke the bread and said, eat this and remember some of me as my body. I've got huge regrets for ordering that at the restaurant.

Yeah. But you're okay with the mulmer in the air and bread sauce combination. Yeah. I don't think that's going to offend Slopp that you've just invented. Don't call it Slopp, please. How are you consuming it? Sort of a pewter tankard in a mug like a cup of tea because it's obviously a hot drink. An engraved pewter tankard.

An engraved pewter tankard. What does it look like? I didn't have it. It's hot though. You want cold bread. Well, that's congealed if it's cold. Not if it's stirred through the mulmer in the air juice. But cold.

You'd rather have it cold. It's a drink. You don't have hot drinks. Do you? Good point. Yeah. Cold in the tankard. And I'll have the engraving of the date that I'm eating this.

Okay. Big letters. Yeah. Fully spelt out. We're not doing numbers. Oh, we're not doing numbers. No numbers. No.

The 5th of December. And then we're right out 2022. Yeah. Do you imagine it coming out of a tap? Like a pint. No. Pre-mixed or do you want to? No.

Rain is making it. Jay. He's still on the ship. Yeah. Yeah. So he's got a vat of mulmer in the air, ditching the mussels, putting them back in the sea. And then confusion in the mussel population. And then, yeah, just big vat of that, bubbling away.

Then bread sauce goes in. Gloga Baileys. Put it in the freezer. So we are having a Gloga Baileys. Yes, we are. Baileys is going in there. Baileys is going in. Into it.

Is it still Christmas? No. Yeah. Yes. But it can be. Yeah. It's whenever you want. It's on the 5th of December.

It says so on the cup. It says two weeks. No, one week. One day. How long does it take to get cold? A day. Well, then it's frozen. Then you're having a frozen.

Room temperature I want. But then a room. Perfect. Put it in a room. And then when it's the same temperature as the room, I'll drink it. Yeah. Lovely. You won't give it a little stir.

I will give it a little stir. I think it'd be quite curdled. I think the Baileys might curdle. Say in the bread sauce or the mul- I won't look at it. It's not disgusting. I will not look at it. Would you feel that going down?

I'll tell you what I do like, as well. Is a Coke float. You'll have the consistency of a Coke float. Yeah. Right. Sure, it was going to go. The Baileys all float to the top. Yeah.

Bitty. Bit scubby. Yeah. But it will feel good in your tummy. And that's the point. And that's why we're all here. The thing is, I think you're in danger of people demanding that you actually do this for real and drink it.

You will. I don't want that. You would do this? I would long to do this. I really liked mul- I really liked Baileys. Yeah. And I never understand the idea that if you like things, they'll mix them together.

They just suddenly don't like them. When is that ever true? When. Or like... This now, for example. As a child, I liked milk and orange juice. I mixed them together once. It tasted so disgusting that I hid under the table.

Orange milkshake? You don't get orange milkshake, do you? No. You hid under the table? Yeah. For how long? Not that long, but like enough. It's me on my own in the kitchen.

But I hated it so much that I just hid under the table. I went under the table. It's a horrible thing. It's confusing for a child. I don't think I'm hiding under the table after drinking this. No. I think you might be climbing on the table. I think we're going to have to sort out some situation where you drink it and we film

it, to be honest. And I get on the table. And you get it, yeah? Get on the table, yeah? I don't mind drinking that. I want to drink that. Yeah, it sounds like you do. Absolutely disgusting.

Oh. Alex Horne is a gross man and should never be allowed on a podcast ever again. But speaking of disgusting, James, let's keep going with it because people and private parts are never far from our guests' minds at the Dream Restaurant. Don't blame us. It's the guest choice. Here's Adam Buxton, Amy Gledhill, Professor Brian Cox, Dane Baptiste, Felicity Ward, Chloe Petz, Stanley Tucci, Alex Horne, Rina Sawiyama, Esther Manito, and Flo and Joan.

That is a lot of toilet humor. Well, it's even more toilet humor because we're going to have some Maisie Adam and Alison Spettel in this bit. We have to turn the page, there was so much toilet humor. It's the way you do it. Like, you know, if you write a good food song or do a good fart joke, mate, life doesn't get better. Oh, then allow me to ask you this, Adam, at the end of this meal, are you going to do

a big stinky fart and shit in your pants? I'm not going to shit in my pants. That's never, so far that hasn't been a problem. I'm looking forward very much to that day. Have I ever shat in my pants? I'm just trying to think. I want to be honest. I don't want to be just like...

Because of food. Let's keep it, you know, let's keep it on the theme. Have you ever shat in your pants because of food, Adam? Yeah, you're doing a big glorious fart and you're really enjoying the farts. You're like a triumphant moment at the end of the meal and then you shit your pants. You see how happy it's made me? Yeah, it's made me to be fair. It's right up both of us straights.

Shitting in my pants. Shitting in my pants. No. I never have. I only ever shat in my PJs because I was on antibiotics for an earache. And I was watching the man who fell to earth with my mum. I was 11 years old. It was already embarrassing because David Bowie was getting his knob out.

I thought it was going to be like Star Wars with David Bowie, i.e. the perfect film. Turned out to be very pretentious and arty and difficult to understand, plus long, extremely embarrassing sex scene towards the beginning of the film that I had to watch in total silence with my mum. And then I felt my stomach rumbling and thought it was a fart and went to enable the fart and then discovered that it was not a fart. It was some bad stinking lava from my insides. As if watching a sex scene with your mum in the room is not embarrassing enough.

You then shut your pajamas like a nightmare. It wasn't good. Imagine all the ties I've been watching films with my parents has been sex scenes and the mum in Paris. I can only imagine during that point, she's shitting my pants. This is so awkward. Oh no! It's such a strange scene as well.

It's ripped torn. You know who ripped torn is, right? Arty from The Larry Sanders Show. And he is playing a kind of aging college professor. And he's having an affair with one of his students. So it's already fairly unsavory. And they start bonking and taking photographs of each other. And it gets very animalistic and they're sort of shouting and grunting and squealing.

And the whole scene is intercut with Bowie in maybe a Japanese restaurant having a bowl of soup and watching some kabuki dancers shouting and screaming at each other as well. Oh, it's very odd. So you'd like bread. And then there's the boiler. And next to the blender this time, there's this packet of chili heatwave doing it. And it was like folded down.

So that's quite mindful. Whoever did that. This could be a new true crime podcast, couldn't it? Yeah. And you said broadcast, eh? Broadcast. I mean, in my head, I'm just thinking is your girlfriend having an affair with someone who's very mindful and eats chili heatwave Doritos?

Yeah. Good point. If you're listening to this, you dip-loving motherfucker. I'm going to feed those Doritos to you up your ass. He's Jesus again. He's back. Oh, you'll be believing in Jesus when I'm doing it. I mean, you motherfucker.

I hate to go down this road, but shape and flavouring. I think the chili heatwave Dorito would be the worst crisps have pushed up your ass. Yep. Oh, gosh. Do you think? Yeah. Corners and spice. Let's see.

What would I not like up there more crisper-wise? We can all think this. Yeah. I wouldn't like a chip stick. That's perfect. Oh, the salt and vinegar too. Shape-wise, it's perfect. Shape-wise, it's perfect to go with the ass.

But the salt and the vinegar and the, you know, it's quite a rough texture. I think almost how easy it goes up your ass would be a problem. You know. I think consistency-wise, it would disintegrate quickly enough for it to not be an issue. Same with the skip. A skip's dissolved depending on how moist your ass is. A skip is dissolving immediately on contact with any anus. Yeah, that's not even making it in.

That's melting. Not on the old wet anus. Absolute swamp of an anus. Just look a bit like, yeah, Benito's just spoiling out. He does look a bit like an anus. A skip. So it would just, it would just think it's meeting one of its, it would fall in love. It would fall in love when it sees the bubble.

How they melt. Yeah, it would. I want to see that as like an animated short. Yeah. It's almost something that objects singing about being in love, isn't it? Yeah. Skip falling in love with an anus. A little song about it.

His heart melted. I think the heatwave Doritos is the worst. Amy, do you have a quiz you'd like to shout out for? Worst up there? Worst and best. Worsties and besties. The only thing similar to a sort of chilly heatwave thing, but maybe a worship, maybe a better ship is the flaming hot monster munch, you know, cause it's the monster blog.

Cause they're quite thick. Yeah, it would literally grab on, wouldn't it? It would grab right on. So I think that would be quite bad. Good. Do you know what? One of the little cheese balls. Do you know what?

You know what? If I had to, if you're making me, just put one of them up there. You know what I mean? It's not going to disintegrate like a scape. It's still, I don't know why you'd not want it to disintegrate, but yeah, just a little cheese ball. It'd be easier to load someone up with them. Yeah.

You could load them up. Load them up like a pest dispenser. Yeah, yeah. You can pop them in one after the other. Can't we cover that? We ask that every week. Yeah. Good to find.

Nice and spicy knickknacks would be a nightmare because they're random aren't they? You never know which way they're going to go. Sure. Oh, that's true. You wouldn't know what to expect every time. But they wouldn't dissolve like a chip stick. No. I think they're solid.

They're solid. They maintain their structure and integrity. Yeah. It's sort of knobbly. Maybe that's nice actually. Yeah, actually maybe I'm thinking about the best. That's nice. Yeah.

I once had a whole pack of prawn cocktail pringles and it took all the skin off the inside of my lips. Oh my God. Yeah, I know. And do you know what? I've done it two or three times. Which is terrible. But thinking of that near the sensitive parts of you, that's going to be a nightmare.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, fall me once in that scenario. You've had it. You've taken the skin off your lips three times. Yeah. Don't be putting it anywhere else. So chips and dips. Chips and dips.

Chips and dips. Yes, please. But specifically sour cream dip. Yeah, something cooling. I think I'll let you know when you're at a buffet and there's like big bowls of crisps and I just get so hungry. I think, well, I'll have one. And then it's just, it's like, oh, this is brilliant.

And you don't want to stop. And then if the main meals coming, I think you're like prepped, ready, mentally. Yeah. To devour. To feast. Yeah. You know. It is a good dip as well.

I'm thinking of the, you know, when you buy the multi pack of dips. Oh yeah. There's some weird ones in there. Yeah. Like that's, there's like a Thousand Island one in there. They're never selling that individually. So why is it in the multi pack? Well, it's always the fourth one.

That's the weird one, right? You got guacamole, salsa, sour cream, and then the fourth one. Like a pink one. That's anyone's game. Yeah. The pink ones are Thousand Island, right? Yes. That's what I'm thinking of.

Yeah. Or it's another sour cream one, but it's got cheese in it this time. Oh yeah. Oh, it's got cheese in it. Yeah. Like bits of grated cheese. So yeah, it's always the fourth one. They need to do it.

They should just do a triple one. Yeah. If you do a triple one, I'll get as a hummus in the fourth one or something. And everyone likes hummus. You said hummus earlier. Yeah. Surely that in the dip charts is knocking around sometimes number one. I'd say for people.

Yeah. Why is that not the fourth one? Although there's not many crisps, I'd say, that can handle dipping in hummus, especially if you're scooping. Sure. Even a Dorito, I think if you're pushing it down into hummus and trying to scoop it out, especially if the hummus has been in the fridge, you're snapping off. You've just got a tip of Dorito left.

That's a nightmare. How do you feel? Explain to the listener your emotional journey when a dip of chip in and it snaps. And now you're just left with the corner of a Dorito and the rest of it's in the dip. Well, you feel like an idiot, don't you? You feel like an absolute idiot. You feel like the person that's run for the bus. I missed it.

And everyone's looked out of the window and been like, you stupid, pathetic woman. But there is a way around it. You get two Doritos of a similar shape, similar size. You put them next to each other, you scoop them together. You double Dorito in. Oh, I've not even thought of that. Is that what you're doing? Doubling out.

I've doubled up. You've done it. I've been known to double up. You've done it. And it just makes everything a bit more solid. And then you can really go to town with the dips. And then I guess sometimes if you're dipping, you get it on the top where you wanted it. And also some might go in between the crisps as well.

Sandwich. Okay. Well, that's our tip of the week. What would you like for your starter, your dream starter? Well, I thought about this. And I thought, I mean, I could just say my favorite food, couldn't I? Or I could say, following the Martian, I want potatoes that I grew in my own shit on the surface of Mars. Because I thought that might be interesting.

Because then I would have to go to Mars. Which I wouldn't like to do unless you can arrange it because you're a genie. So we could go instantly to Mars. Plant the potatoes. Well, actually, we don't even need to use our own shit. I suppose we could actually take... But that's what he did. First of all, he did.

So maybe we have to do that. So yes, I think that would be an interesting starter. And then make them into chips. And have chips. And take some mayonnaise. Or curry sauce because I'm from Oldham. So it'd probably be curry sauce. Not the curry sauce.

Chips and curry sauce. Chips have to be made from potatoes grown on Mars. In your own shit. Thanks for the question. What's the curry sauce made of? I don't know. If you offered me a bowl of your shit chips and then the curry sauce, I'd be like, I'd hold the sauce.

I think even though I know it's curry sauce, I need to get it out of my mind. Yeah, yeah. I can't. I've already tried not to think of the fact you grew the chips in your own shit. The curry sauce isn't helping that. Well, mayonnaise is real problem. Also, if you're existing on Mars on the diet of the very thing you're feeding me, if I'm like, if he's eating curry sauce all the time,

his shit must be awful. And then he's growing the potatoes in them. There's actually no condiment that wouldn't make me feel ill in that situation. Sure. No, I think I like the eating the curry. It's kind of a recycling thing, isn't it? Would it impart flavour into the potato itself? Would the flesh of the potato then have a curry?

Yeah. Then have a curry tang? Yeah, would have a curry tang. It must do, mustn't it? Because you do things like, you know, lavender honey or something. Because the bees go to those. So whatever. I'm not sure those are equitable.

Because they kind of go and eat the stuff and the lavender flavour goes into the honey. So I assume whatever you grow it in, if there are any farmers listening, I assume whenever you grow it in, somehow the flavour is transferred into the thing. Yeah, it feels a bit human centipede in a way. Eating the shit and shit. Two different opinions. It's a bit like bees with lavender honey, and it's a bit like the human centipede.

Both of them are interested in insects. Yeah. I'm not going to get told that. I'm not going to get told that. Yeah, yeah, go on. I'm not very good at biology. One of them is not an insect. Is it an insect?

Or both. Probably both of them aren't insects. Bees and centipedes. So not, is it? No. I'm going to get in real trouble. I always get a shower going in. It's a lagoon.

It's a lagoon. It's a lagoon. The potatoes you're eating, is it that I'm taking you to Mars, and you're growing them using your own shit? Or is it that we go to Mars, the Martian Mars, and Matt Damon's made them for us in his shit? Because I would want to eat, with all due respect, Brian,

I would want to eat those. I would want to try Matt Damon's potatoes that he's grown into. You prefer his? Yes. I don't think with all due respect, covers what you just said there. Why? Why don't you want to eat Brian's shit potatoes?

Because he wants a Hollywood shit. Yeah. I like imagining Matt Damon up there. It is space suit. He's made them in his own shit. Why? This is getting really weird now. So you want to imagine?

Matt Damon's an actor. So I can imagine him in any role, and I can believe him as an astronaut. And I think, I just see Brian Cox. I'm like, that's just Brian Cox. He's just going to dump on a potato. No, he wouldn't be. Because you've got to grow them.

So you wouldn't be there. You don't do dump on the potato. That defeats the object of the fertilizer, doesn't it? You don't put the fertilizer on something after it's grown. Why not? Is that what you're supposed to do? He gets a big pot of potatoes, but you dump on them. See, this is why you're getting confused.

It's a lack of basic agricultural knowledge now, isn't it? Because why would you fertilize something that's already grown? Because flavour? Well, yeah, and this is why it's causing you problems. Because it's not for the flavour. Wash it after. Yeah, yeah. I hope you would wash it.

Fertilize is not added for flavour. No, no. That's the thing. Brian, by the way, what you just did there happens every episode where you looked at me and with your eyes, you said, help me, what's the deal? Help me out here, mate. I can't understand what this guy's on about.

I didn't even try to just look at one of those heads like, well, I really need your help here. Communicate with this guy. It's funny because the whole strange conversation over the last 10 minutes now makes sense. Because he's not been thinking of the shit as fertiliser. He's thinking it as a garnish. That's why it's all gone strange.

I think it's an interesting idea for a starter. Chips are good. Chips, I'm trying to think of a word for it. Yeah, sure. Chips. I like it. And it's all your own shit, just to be clear, not Matt Damon's or a mixture.

I'd say people can tell the difference. I don't think it matters. He did a mixture though, didn't he? Do you remember in the film? Oh, does he? Because he used all the other shit. Yeah, yeah. He's dead.

Yeah. Well, no, they weren't dead. They weren't. Have you seen it? They didn't die. They left him on the surface. What? Wankers.

Great starter. Great starter. The Chips. You know, people have like, there's syringes where you can inject cheese and stuff into things. And people do that. Matt, I used to work at Iceland and they used to have an Inside Out Cheeseburger, which was basically a burger

with a cheese filling. I didn't know you used to work at Iceland. Yeah, used to work at Iceland. And I don't know, I have a theory that like, at some point at culinary school, Heston Blumenthal had a best friend. And his friend may have come from more modest background than Heston.

And they would come up with all these crazy ideas. And Heston was like, I'm going to go and work and, you know, create things using cryogenic storage and fridges and like, and they would, the guy was like, what the fuck happened to you, Heston? You've forgotten who you are. He's like, come on, buddy. He's like, no.

We claim we're going to do this to give back to the people. Remember the five bird medley, the turkey stuff with a goose, stuff with a chicken, stuff with a ham stuff. You were supposed to be part of that too, Heston. What happened to the Inside Out Cheeseburger you said we were going to do? And they went in separate ways. Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Iceland is the sort of the cheaper equivalent of Heston style mad stuff. Chicken tikka lasagna, right? Yeah, it's like, you know, like the fat duck. It's like the fat pigeon. That's what Iceland is. Yeah, there's a lot of snobbery. People just look at Heston and go, oh, it's a genius.

I can't wait to see what he's done. And people turn in their nose up at the Inside Out Cheeseburger as if it's stupid. As if it's stupid. If you went to the fat duck and they served that, everyone would be like, oh, how did he come up with this idea? So good. Yeah, it's like, you can get snail porridge at the fat duck

and that's amazing. But if you get a caterpillar in your rice pudding, oh, it's for charge. It's disgusting. Things got changed, guys. We've all got bellies. We all take shits. We're all people at the end of the day.

That was the original name for this podcast. We all take shits. We've all got bellies and we all take shits. We all got bellies and we all take shits. We all take bellies. We all get shits. Exactly. That could be the name of a nice tour, though.

Yeah. We all got bellies and we all got shits. And then you could have, like, you know, and you open up every tour date and you're like, have a look at this shit. You want to know what created this? Welcome, chef. Leave my roots.

And then leave that content. And they're like, look at that store. That's healthy and regular. Well, you know, I use a lot of natural ingredients in my stuff. Allow me to demonstrate. Can we get the whole audience to stand up? We all get our bellies out at the beginning. Yeah.

We've all got bellies. And then we all take shits. Yeah. Let me get straight, though. The format for the show, your tour show, is that you go on, you show the audience a picture of some shit that you've done. Yeah.

And then you get them to guess what celebrity chef cooked you the meal that made you do the shit. That's great. And then you bring the celebrity chef out and they talk the audience through the picture with the shit and talk about how they're cooking influenced that shit. Now, James, I know how it sounds, but I would submit to you that maybe two or three years ago,

if I told you there was a game show where people dress up in masks and you can't see their face and they sing songs on TV and then the game is to guess who they are. And they don't win any record contract at the end of that and it's just a competition to see who's behind the mask. You'd say, what? Yeah. But that's the last singer.

Yeah, absolutely. That's quite the same. Not exactly the same because one comes at your mouth and one comes at your bum. But I'm just saying, you know, at the end of my tour, it was like, turns out this big shit was done by a big fat dude. You'd be like, yeah, that sounds right. So that's the end of the tour.

The whole tour built up to you revealing that, and I quote, this big shit was taken by a big fat dude. Yeah. Well, hold on. Now we're getting confused. I thought the slide that you're showing them is a picture of a shit that you have done and a celebrity chef cooked you a meal.

You ate the meal. You did the shit. Oh, no, not what I've done. I've got a tour to run, James. What an animal. It's like a celebrity takes a shit. And everyone's like, guess who's shit this is. So then that's the first hook, right?

Then it's like, it's this person. Turns out it's Davina McCall, let's say. Yeah. So everyone's like, oh, they've never guessed. Davina, you seem so regular and healthy. What's your secret? I eat well, exercise well. Let's find out who made this delicious meal that resulted

in this delicious stall. It's Levi Roots. Now, Levi's on the stage. He's like two guests. And then he's like, then you add a Scotch bonnet. And then Davina goes, that's what got me. That was it, right? Yeah.

And at the very least, people are there at least half. And I've been like, what the fuck is going on? And then someone goes, I need to take a shit. And then someone goes, don't forget your camera. It's the level of audience engagement for everybody in Texas shit. Or just be, you know, unmeasured. I think that's, I love the guessing element.

I love that we're guessing who shit it is. So we've got the audience engaged then. Then the person who did the shit comes out, and they've got to guess who made them do the shit. So they're guessing what chef cooked them the meal that made the shit happen. My only problem with it is, as an audience member, is the picture of that shit is up for the whole show.

No, I'll go back to the first slide, which is like the, which is the tour. Mosaic of like butts. All the butts. And bellies. It's like all sorts of chessboards. Everybody's got a belly and everybody's exes shit. Now see butts and bellies, let's do it that way.

That's an easier sell, right? That's nice. You call it butts and bellies. Yeah. Rather than calling it everyone's shit. If I say butts and bellies, that can get through. I mean, I feel like there should be some sort of belly button pun there with butts, butt, button, belly butts.

Belly butts on. I mean, actually, Jess and it could absolutely destroy me for this, but like, I'm just going to think of like a belly button on. Belly butts on. I know we'll sell it to BBC. And then when it's on the iPlayer, they'd be like, to find out more shit, press the belly button. And so, yeah, that's great.

And it is like a picture of someone's belly and their belly button is a butt. There you go. Or that it's their butt and their aim is a belly button. Yeah. All right. I mean, yeah. I've really enjoyed this conversation.

More than I should be proud of. Raw onion doesn't sit well with me. As we've spoken about so many times, I have irritable bowel syndrome. Yeah. Red onion does not sit well with me. Any raw onion. But if I take it out, the flavour that it infuses the rest of the salad with

still stands up. Yeah. And the thing that you've mentioned in your menu so far, that's a bit of a red light for the old IBS. Chili and the krabble, right? Yeah, chili's actually fine. It's more creamy stuff. Yeah.

The yogurt is fine. Yogurt's fine. But I can smell a Bosqueola and I shit myself. Like a creamy Bosqueola. Expect to see that tweeted back at you by the way. Like a bacon mushroom creamy pasta. Would you eat it though? No.

Is there anything that exists that's worth just blowing the bowl off the wall for? Yeah. Often it's the volume of food I eat. I have a limit in my stomach where it goes, hey, look, you're an adult. You can make the decision. But if you eat more than this, we're not going to be talking to your friends for the rest of the night.

You're going to be riding the porcelain bus. My wife Charlie has IBS. Yeah. Yep. What's her big triggers? She can have a teaspoon of hummus and then after that, chickpeas will kick the shit out of her. Literally.

I can eat a bowl of hummus by itself. Oh really? Yeah. Hummus. Very cute. Yeah. That's great. More hummus please.

You can have as much hummus as you like, son. Yeah. Never stop. Never correct him. No, no, no, no. That's hummus for the rest of his life. Even though it will lead to a very embarrassing incident in later life. Do you know what that feels like?

No, my problem. Yeah. It's lullibuff, hummus. It's absolutely lullibuff. It's lullibuff, hummus. If I have some rice that's undercooked, see you later. Really? I don't know if you tell me on that one.

Yeah. But if I eat like heaps and heaps of ice cream, yeah, but this is probably not a good thing to say on this podcast. I think ice cream is fine. I think it's fine. Okay. Nice having you on. Yeah, look, been lovely to meet you.

Oh, key. I think there's some good ice cream out there, but it's not something that I live for. But I think that's just to, just look. Let's bring the temperature down. To be a diplomat. I know what you're about to say. I think you've had to tell yourself that and decided it because you know that you can't get out of it.

So that's, you've given yourself that opinion to mean that you're not missing out. You would love to think that, wouldn't you? I would really like you to say that. I agree with you. So the main course of the ghost menu is all of the barbecue food you could possibly imagine. You definitely got head on board though. Yeah. I mean, this was very close to my main on my dream menu episode 100.

So talk us through it, Chloe, please. Big brisket. All of my Instagram rules, the algorithm alternates between a man cutting a brisket and then Harry Styles doing a concert. Imagine, what would you do if Harry Styles cut some brisket? Come everywhere. Don't cut that. I was cutting it.

I can't. Yeah. Anyway, brisket, ribs, pork and beef. Yeah. You've got to double up on the ribs. Burn ends. Oh yeah. Turkey.

Again, it's the tomato. I'm eating it quick just to think. Yeah. Got a bit of healthy white meat. Turkey's the smart of the meat. Yeah. Is it like a big turkey leg breast? No, it's like sliced breast.

Yeah. That has been like really slow cooked and it's like. Juicy. Yeah, extraordinarily juicy. How have they made a turkey leg? You can see the smoke. The smoke ring around the outside of it. Oh my God.

I have like a, I feel like I've got like a real like food empathy thing where like you can even describe food and I like, um, I feel so satisfied. Yeah. And I think that's why I watched, you know, Mike Chen, the YouTuber. I love Mike Chen. I know this guy. So he's just like this guy that goes around just eating delicious food and reviewing it.

And he's so like positive and just. What's the name of his YouTube channel again? Strictly Dumpling. Strictly Dumpling. Right. It's really good. And I just love how enthusiastic he is about food. He can eat that guy.

Yeah. He does a lot of buffets as well. We talk about buffets a lot on tour as well. I saw something happen there. Yeah. We mentioned buffets as a bit of. Yeah. We both went somewhere.

Yeah. Yeah. It feels a little like, I don't know, a little illicit when I'm like, we described a turkey leg to me in intense detail. It feels like I'm getting off on it and like, I haven't asked for your consent to like get involved in that fantasy. Yeah. I mean, you've already said the thing about Harry Styles cutting a brisket.

He said, you'd come everywhere. So I think I think we knew what was going on. A nice sort of mustard sauce. I'd come just for my little piece of beefy. That's very nice. Thank you. So is that, so that's you got turkey, ribs, beef and pork. Big tray of meaty.

Big tray of meaty brisket. Any little barbecue sides? Well, that would be my sides. Oh, okay. Right. Okay. We'll move on. Where's the best barbecue place you've been before we move on?

I'm not, I haven't really eaten that much barbecue because I gained this obsession after I became vegetarian and I have like enough memories of that sort of meat to know how much I love it. Like anything essentially like slow cooked beef particularly is just my ideal thing. Although having said that, are we allowed to talk about your meat amnesty? Yeah, my constant meat amnesty. No, when we were doing a gig and there was a barbecue restaurant around the corner and we don't normally eat heavily before gigs, we went around there.

Chloe had a meat amnesty and she felt horribly sick for the rest of the day. All of my stories ended me just feeling sick. My best days are like, and then I chucked out. I do regret though because you had the beef rib and I got the brisket. I think I should have got the rib. It was good. It was nice. I think beef brisket though is safe bet.

Every barbecue place is going to be good. Beef rib, some places, that's the best thing on the menu. Some places, if they don't do it well, why don't I just play it safe? I massively disagree. Fair enough. Certainly about the brisket. I think that is an art. I think you're actually, you're not going to find many places in the whole of the UK that

does actually good brisket. Yeah, in the UK. Yeah, a bit harder. But yeah, I guess if you're in like Texas, etc. Pecan Lodge. Shout out to Pecan Lodge, Dallas. Is that the best place? I was in Dallas for three days.

I went there for two of the days. Oh, sick. It was good. I think I liked, that's like my bucket list of proper meat amnesty, go to Texas, have proper barbecue. You'd be sick every day. I'd be so sick. And I'd love it.

Yeah. This is the best. Back we go. Sometimes on the Instagram reel, they'll just put a brisket down and then just let it jiggle like a lady's bum. And it's just so hot. Oh, man. I just love it.

Like a lady's bum. Like a lady's bum. Oh, it's so good. Yeah, that's what I'd have. Am I missing any meat? I don't think so. I guess they sometimes have a really nice sausage. Yes.

I'd love a... You have had a sausage in the starter though. I will say that. Yeah, I'm double sausage in. Okay, you double sausage away. I'm going to have one of those like jalapeno and cheddar sausages that like snap. Like with an amazing snap. Yeah, snap.

I definitely have one of them. Yeah, and just let it jiggle like a man's dick. Yeah. Literally in my head as well. I was writing it in my head when I said, I'm like, I'm going to say I watch YouTube videos when they lay a sausage down and they slap it and it jiggles like a man's... That's what a lot of people say is they pick sparkling water because it's like a fancy version of water.

No. No. No, it's good and it helps you digest and everything that has minerals in it. I mean, they used to drink. I mean, a lot is still in Italy, you know, in certain countries, a lot of that sparkling water is like sulfurous in water. You know, I remember like even in like a gym in a hotel in Italy years and years ago, they had like a big water cooler and I was like, working on it.

I'm so thirsty. And it was like sulfur water. I was like, oh, fuck, what is that? You know, it's just... Was it sparkling water in there? Yeah, yeah, it was sparkling sulfur water. And I was like, who would do that? You know?

But it's really good. The thing is, it's really good for you. Yeah. You know? Everyone burping in the gym. Was there a lot of burping going on? Yeah, everyone was burping and farting. The water smelled like farts.

Fart water. Fart water. Would you have for your dream meal, you don't want the fart water? No, I don't want fart water. No, no. You would like... You take a bath in it. That's good for you.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, like sulfur spray. And you can fart in the bath and no one would know. No one would know. Yeah. Not even you. Yeah, yeah. Did I fart?

No. No, it was me and what's not. Yeah, the barbed echo surrounded by eggy bubbles already. I don't know where I began and the water ends. If you had a task... If it was just shit, fastest wins, who would win out of you two? I think maybe Ed. I reckon I would.

When you said that... I still get requested most. Shit, fastest wins. Shit. My stomach went, let's go. Yeah, yeah. Five points. You're very competitive.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know, shit is a big part of his life. Oh. Him and Nish shared a flat for years and it was very much the theme of the flat. Yeah. Was doing a shit. We still text each other now about it.

That's so interesting. Tim and I lived together. I don't think we ever mentioned it. No. And we probably pretended we didn't do it. We've never hugged either, so... We have hugged at shit twice. Yeah, twice, sorry.

Once when I was sad, once when I was happy. But you're not going to talk about shitting if you're not even hugging. No. You know? Yeah, yeah. Never done one in the Taskmaster house, no? Really? There's only one toilet and I'm not going to do that.

I've definitely done one in the Taskmaster house. Yeah, me too. Have you guys? Yeah, yeah, definitely. We've got a good spray. Me too. To deal with it. Oh, it's all about shitting, isn't it?

You always start with stillers sparked in water. I'm going to say still, which I know is like boring, but... Okay, because I'm always like talking, right? I just don't want to be gassy. Yeah. When I do shows and stuff, I can't have anything gassy because it'll come up in the first song. I'll have to do a really slick off the mic, like hair flick, but it's a burp. That's what people are doing when they do that.

That's what it is. Every time I do a hair flick, it's a burp. In time. Yeah. So that's not something I enjoy doing. It's really stressful because you know that feeling like when it's rising in your throat. When you can feel it. Like when it's a bubble.

Yeah, when it's a bubble and you're like, oh no. And you're singing. You have to keep singing. Yeah. But then you have like one break in a sentence and then you can just burp and then come back to the show and be a pop star. I love that you've choreographed your burps though. That's great.

Oh yeah, but it's on the fly. Yeah, you can't. So that's why I've stopped drinking fizzy stuff before shows. If I was a vocalist who used a lot of, you know, some vocalists now have a lot of effects on their voice and auto-tune life. It's got all that sound. If I had a burp going, I'd be very tempted just to burp it in the mic. Yeah, yeah.

You know, in the spirit of experimentation, I think next time you feel a burp coming on stage, you should just let it go. Yes. And also I'll find some sort of auto-tune plugin and like the most extreme distortion and maybe some sort of metal like scream distortion. I'm on board. And then just in the middle of the most beautiful like ballad. Yeah.

Crack on it. I think it'd go down well. I think so too. There's got to be a death metal band somewhere where the vocals are just all burps. I always think that about death metal singing. Yeah. Kind of, isn't it the same feeling, the same sensation as burping? It's like a gravelly burp, I guess.

Yeah. Yeah. You've got to bring it up from somewhere down deep. I've cracked it. Yeah. There we go. You've definitely played me some stuff before that just sounds like someone's burp in all the way.

Yeah. I love it. Yeah, yeah. You love that kind of stuff. Yeah. Or someone's doing that, you know, that thing with the... Well, like Mongolian throat singing. Yeah.

But then it's like... For the whole song. Yeah. Basically they're doing that. With a bit more like grit. Yeah, yeah. A big old burp. Yeah.

It's a big long burp. What's your favourite genre? Burp call. Definitely burp metal. Yeah. Burp death. Burp call. It would be burp call, wouldn't it?

It'd be burp call. Belch call. Something like that. Yeah. I like red meat. I like lamb. I like beef. But I wouldn't...

Yeah. I'm not into like hearts. Scrutums. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never had a scrotum. That's the one thing I've never seen on a menu. You would though? I think it was on a menu, a place I liked.

I'd trust them with it and I'd say, give us a scrotum. If Esther's dad tried to trick you, and you're going, that's a potato, and you ate it, that was a bollock, you'd go, I love it. So if you've gone round, because my dad's there, he can cook really good Lebanese food. Yeah. And he could cook you a testicle.

I'd love that. There you go. I'd absolutely love that. But what about a scrotum? Do you reckon he could do a scrotum? Hang on. Yeah. What?

I'm... Hang on. Oh, someone doesn't know the difference. This is great. You don't know the difference. I birthed a man. And I don't know what's... Oh, this is great.

This couldn't have gone better. What is the difference between... Hang on. Isn't it? The testicles... Oh, it's the scrotum, the whole thing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Again, don't tell her.

Let... Let... Let... Oh, this is like... I feel... I feel like this is a tab more embarrassing than the Pellegrino. Yeah.

I mean, I wouldn't normally ask guests to do this, but tell the audience your age. Before we play, does this person know the difference between the testicles? It's great. I'm 39. Married 17 years. Yeah.

So the testicles are the cheaps. Oh! No, that's... Oh! Oh, yes! No, the cheaps. The cheaps. The cheaps.

The Vandeference, isn't it? Vast difference. Well, that's amazing that you're trying around phrases like Vast Deference. Vast Deference is the cheaps. Vast Deference is the cheaps. Vast Deference is the cheaps. Vast Deference is the cheaps.

Vast Deference is the cheaps. Vast Deference is the cheaps. Is that the tube? Yeah. I don't even know that. The semen travels down. Okay, yeah. This is gross.

This is really annoying me now. This is a mess. I just want to... I really want to hit you both because I'm so angry. Where do you want to hit us? Because you're just looking at me like, I'm like, oh, I don't know. This is brilliant.

No, because you got the penis. So many people have got the penis. The long one. Yeah, that's how long we just drew on the table. And then you've got the two balls, which are the testicles. Yes. So what's the scrotum?

What else is there? This is the question. What else is there indeed? What else is there? This is the best moment of the whole podcast we've ever done. But the two... Can I give some clues now? Well, I don't know.

Maybe I'll quiz you on the female one. I don't know because I don't even know about that. The balls. How many holes are there? The two balls. How are they there? How do they stay there? In the sac?

Yes. But I said that. Is that not the scrotum? That's the... You didn't say it was the sac. You said, is the whole thing... Yeah, you said it's the whole thing. Yeah, that's what I meant, like, the package.

The whole thing is not the scrotum. The scrotum is essentially the packaging. The scrotum is the sac. The sac, yes. Oh! Yeah. But I thought the whole thing. It was like a cumulative term.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no. The whole thing is... No, no, no, no. Do you know what? I really don't know much about anatomy. I realise that. Yeah, yeah.

This is when James starts to try and do a quiz. So... Yeah, yeah, yeah. We won't do a quiz. No, because, you know, when your kids get to an age and they're like... You can really... And puberty is, like, not far off. And they're, like, asking questions.

And I was like, I don't know. No, that's normal. I don't even know what happens. Yeah. But what are we... Bulls dropping. Where are they to begin with? Sure.

No, what happens? Well, I mean, where it's dropping, it's probably quite a... Does it just go into the sac? You know, a generous term. Well, no, I mean... They're not dropping a great height. No, it's not. As this question was, does it just go into the sac?

It's not... There's not a big, empty sac. A big, old man. A big, old man. A chicken leg. Bloop. I'm imagining, like, a postal sac down there. Listen for the bloop.

And there you go. Bloop. Oh, they dropped. Yeah, I need to read a book. I'm getting it. Yeah, it all... Oh, yeah, it doesn't... They don't plop down into...

Well, you see, my parents never had this chat. We just went through it and you weren't allowed to talk about it. Yeah, I think that's the best way. Just crack on. Call me old-fashioned. Yeah, just crack on. Like, everyone's always, like, then talk about it. And I'm like, oh, well, you know, I don't know.

You should talk about it with your kids, so you don't want to... I might just phone Ed up and put him on loudspeaker. I'll be back in 15 minutes. I love them still not allowed to come around to your house, even for that. Don't want to make it number six. Number six. Campbell came down to...

Conduct a sex education class. Bit of a... Bit of a left turn. Turned out with a chalkboard. Yeah. Me taking you kids about testicles. Your dad looking at it like it's a menu. It's very confusing for your poor children.

Grandpa says there's a potato. He probably would have done it if we asked. Oh, you're talking about the whole package. We know about this. When it is a package, it's all together. I think you two are being finicky. Finicky tea, finicky tea. What?

What would be? It's in Bella Greene. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's all that to say. You want some... Not meze, but some... Meza.

Meza. I don't think I've had a cup of tea since 2013. Oh, my God. What happened in 2013? Yeah. Had my wisdom teeth out. In bed feeling sorry for myself. And then we...

I didn't get to go to the shops for ages. Ran out of normal tea. Started just moving on to the herbals. Noticed that actually I was quite enjoying myself. Never went back. Whenever there's a story like this, which is just like a weird part of James' life, I always just look at Bonita for the whole thing

because he loves nothing more than a story like that from James. He really... Had my wisdom teeth out. He really laughs at anything that's like... Are you laid up for that long when your wisdom teeth are out? That you... How long could you not leave the house for to like get more teeth?

Well, I got unlucky. What happened was... Oh, no. I got a thing called dry socket. Oh, no. Where they take out your wisdom teeth. How did I not know that? And instead of everything just like, you know,

healing back up and cool, there was a hole that went from, I guess just the outside world, down my gums and straight to the bone. So then air was getting in through my mouth and touching the bone that was down below and it really, really hurt. The hole wasn't from the outside world, James.

Well, that's why that's where the hole starts. Yeah, but not... It wasn't out of your face. There wasn't a hole in your face. There was a second hole into my mouth. Yeah. And that led to the outside world. So it would go...

The air would go through the mouth. The outside world, into my mouth, down the hole in my gums, straight to the bone and it really hurt. Yeah. So I was laid up in bed. I kept trying to get emergency dentist appointments and couldn't.

And obviously I was just on liquids only. So I went through the... The teabag's pretty fast. And then it was onto the herbal tea. What happened when... Wasn't the tea going... Yeah. Filling the mouth.

Yeah, it was hard. The tea's part of the outside world as well, right? Yes, it was hard. But it was either that or not... Have anything? Yeah. So you didn't even eat? You didn't consume?

I had soup. Oh my gosh. Yogurt? So that's getting in from the outside world. Not a yoghurt pie. But I kind of mainly go over to one side of the mouth. You know, try and get it away from the dry socket. Like lull the head over.

Yeah, yeah. God, that actually sounds terrible. It wasn't nice. And I had loads of clove oil. Oh, yeah. That I put on the... To numb it up so it didn't hurt as much. I was in a tiny little bedroom at that point.

You could touch all the walls or laying in bed. And the whole thing stank of cloves. No. By the end there's a stank of cloves. Imagine this guy calling you bleak. Yeah. This guy. I'd like...

He was in a bed where he could touch all walls with his feet and arms. Lucky. And there was a stank of clove oil. And had dry socket. Dry socket. But... It was from the dark ages. Yes, but that was...

Was there straw all over your floor and a donkey next door? Like that's what it sounds like. I once made a soup and it was the worst soup I'd ever made in my life. And I thought it had loads and loads of herbs and stuff in it. And I spent... And spices. And I spent ages making it. And when I ate it, it tasted like porridge.

And it was fucking filth. I was really angry because I spent the whole day making it. And Rosie came home from work and was like, I can fix this. And put in a handful of cloves. I reckon there was over 19 cloves in there. Yeah. I can fix this.

I can fix this. Here's the worst ingredient ever. When you use a clove, use one or two maybe. And she literally put in a fist full of cloves. And so not only did it taste like... It was great. It looked like gruel. It was supposed to be Indian wedding soup.

It was a bad wedding. It looked like porridge. It was great. And then every mouthful you took, you got like eight cloves. It like... Like literally coat your mouth. Yeah. You'd feel like a sheen on your whole mouth.

Yeah. Was that the name of the recipe Indian wedding soup? It wasn't a soup that you were making to take to an Indian wedding. I would have been the most least welcomed person. We shoved it down the toilet. Yeah. And shove is the right word. Just punching it down like played it.

Why did you shove it down the toilet? It was inedible. Yeah. Okay. I understand you wanted to get rid of it. Yeah. That bit I understood. You wanted to get rid of it.

Why a toilet? Because you can't put it down the sink. Because it would just clog up the sink. What we thought was the first option. But you're thinking the bin was the first option, not the sink. Because then you've just got a bag of wet in the bin. And it's that bag. That bag breaks.

Imagine if that bag broke and the Indian wedding soup went all over the bin and the floor. If we would be cursed for never getting married ever again. Yeah. I would personally put it in a bin bag. Then take the bin bag straight out. The toilet is so much better than that. You don't waste a bin bag. The toilet is there.

And it's used to getting just... Did you forget anything down there? Yeah. The Indian wedding soup. The Indian wedding soup. The Indian wedding soup. You should wear your clothes. Yeah.

I was feeling alright today. Honestly, I've just done an Indian wedding soup. No, I don't. I made it with my sister. Adding a look. That sounds like me and my friend Alex Roesdale once tried to make George. George's mother's medicine. Out of his mum's medicine cabinet.

We just poured all these like pills in and stuff. Oh God, his mum found us doing it and went absolutely ape shit. He's like, have you drunk any of this? Don't make yourself sick, make yourself sick. Had you actually drunk it? No, no, no, no, we literally just poured everything we could find and there was like pills

bubbling around in the top. That is so funny and like so high stakes. Like so high stakes. And also so, I think our age of the nineties of like Roald Dahl just causing absolute havoc for all children everywhere. We used to think one of our teachers was a witch when we were like eight years old

and we just called her a witch all the time, which I think is very funny and we enjoyed it as children. But I imagine as a teacher, when you've got enough stuff going on, you're just like fuck off, just fuck off. Stop calling me a witch. Yeah, this is embarrassing for you. We had a teacher who genuinely, I think was a witch.

Interesting. Was her wig always looking back? It was genuinely like she was like a high bun that was and really like, yeah, definitely like no toes. Yeah, purple eyes. Yeah, for sure. This when you walk past. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Didn't like the smell of children. But. Yeah. So, yeah, still walk. Poppadobs on bread. Poppadobs every time. Poppadobs.

Really? Poppadobs, yeah. Emphatic. Yeah, 100%. Bread's boring. What? Bread's boring, sorry. What is?

It is boring, especially in a restaurant because they don't bring it, often they bring it with a little bowl of butter that's way too hard. You can't toast it, you can't, they don't bring an interesting bread. They never bring a tiger roll over, do they? Just bring some sliced up run of the mill bread.

Poppadobs, however, they come with a selection of dips and chutneys and it's just, yeah, I love it. I really love a poppado. My local Indian takeaway is very, very nice. It does what I think is the best curry. But when I first moved to that area, I went round to go and order and there was nobody behind the desk,

but there was the TV on in the entrance bit and it was playing really, really, well not all of this is obvious, but it was playing Porm on the telly. Ha ha ha ha ha. So it was just me in this room, stood behind the counter and there's no bell to ring so I was just stood in this very small room

with a telly on playing Porm. It was just- Like a telly in the corner of the set. Yeah, just a man going to town on this woman. and she was she was very vocal yeah so it was that was the only sound and I was just sort of stood there I didn't know ever to look at my phone or to watch the yeah watching porn on your phone but then he appeared from the back from the back from the back of the restaurant

you enjoy the show owns the place you're enjoying my work is my show real put your clothes on and come food and have some food get off the first you won't be the last so he came he came from the kitchen stood behind and then I felt like I was wrong because I felt like he'd come he'd come into the room where porn was on and I was there

so I felt the need to be like I didn't put that on you said that yeah and then he knows and then he went neither did I but he looked very very embarrassed of course he did and then I had to make a decision then well not then I should have really made it earlier but whether or not to still order a curry from this place that had been showcasing porn in their entrance that if I walked into a takeaway yeah and there was porn on the telly I'm leaving immediately yeah that's a u-turn right yeah well I had a curry from there before and it was really good so I was trying to weigh up whilst this woman was enjoying herself it was quite hard to have a dilemma when it's against the backdrop of very loud orgasms but I was trying to think

how good was that curry and do I really want to still get it from here and then I didn't really have time to make my decision because then the man appeared and so then I was then I just went oh I didn't put it on he went no mean either and then I just went all right chicken prasanda please yo you should have said you should have said I'll have what she's having oh I should have I could have had my own little yeah but instead you I didn't put that on chicken paneer please or chicken korma also it sounds like what's happened if he didn't put it on either that someone

really proud of chicken korma over there giving a thumbs up to me so I didn't want to go with that or chicken tikka masala oh later later later later later okay you're doing a vindaloo one no okay probably a pop of the cherry dom yeah yeah yeah chicken braji come on chicken chicken braji much now okay I'm sorry what I think happened is I think someone else went there got a curry on their way out they noticed that the tv is just you can you can change the channel yourself

and they just went straight to the car that's funny and then they went home I hope so that that sits better with me and then you turned up rather than watched it but what telly what telly would have it you've I don't think it was 3d from the performance this woman was giving I don't think it was it was proper yeah I think there's a paid subscription going on yeah really and that that's what was quite unnerving as I thought what could you was he watching this and then just thought of thought right better go and make some korma sauce yeah because that doesn't sit well was it like channel it wasn't like channel five no it wasn't like saucy stuff what's that one that used to be on late at night um when you

sex et cetera wasn't like yeah it wasn't like euro transfer anything yeah yeah it was like proper like you could see do you remember sex et cetera no I don't think I remember sex et cetera nobody else remember it no oh here we go no just like story number six yeah sometimes when you'd go through the channels late at night they'd be quite erotic stuff on a just a free view channel and it's on a show called sex et cetera but I no I didn't watch it I just I didn't watch it either hence why I know nothing about it but you I don't like that I feel like I've not even got to my dinner and already the image I'm giving out is somebody who watches a heap of porn with a big casserole dish yeah just straight out you took

the curry off him straight out the pot yeah yeah don't bother with the foil thing bring the pan out leave this on turn it out leave it on turn it up I went out in the chase do you know so poppadoms was the answer poppadoms and you would like porn on no no porn thank you up to you no porn in my poppadoms thanks not in it in it that would be a real shock when they brought the poppadoms out in that place and there was like he'd somehow fried a bit of porn in the middle of the poppadom when you crack it open it makes a little noise that would be so disconcerting that's not what went to an Indian restaurant and you do the thing where you smash the poppadoms and then they go oh see that's not

you're like oh when you said porn in the poppadoms that's not what I thought that's even more whimsical I thought porn in the poppadoms what if you're with friends would you leave the restaurant work party just we get poppadoms for the table oh that's that's Macy's orgasm noise and words and words very like oh amazing the clarinet life is the same sound when I got knocked out the chase

oh okay oh god oh dear so poppadoms yes please I don't know why I've mentioned that that's Simon's thing now and he's got his bit on but like no I think we I believe the words were suck at Simon I don't think he's won in this at all he has to won he's sucking it he is he's going to suck that taco oh the worst way to eat a taco it really is it really is oh no it'd be like eating communion like a really big communion no is that about I mean I was ex-catholic I'm saying are ex-consecrated right so yeah what have I met a stop in Catholicism you suck the middle out of a taco well you suck

the wafer well I did but you were told it was rude to do that there's a lot like chat about I used to so when you receive communion you can take it by the hand or by the mouth right and like I would let the priest give it to me in the mouth because I'm sorry don't be like that I'll be honest with you Alison I was sat here going okay come on Ed you're better than that don't make a joke about Catholicism and sucking it yeah and I thought we're gonna be really mature and avoid this yeah there's a number of points there was one of like sucking it and I thought in my head now don't do that you can take it in the hand or take it in the mouth don't say that I'm not gonna jump on that and it was a family I think I would let the priest give it to me in the mouth

you're like well how the hell are we meant to leave this it's because I'm left handed because you're supposed to take the communion if you're if you're so I'm gonna think of a way if the priest places the communion in your hand you take it with your right hand and you pop it in your mouth right but if you're I really have to think of a better word than take okay you receive it you open your mouth and he places the communion in your mouth yeah and then you're supposed to then like okay he says he says something to you and you say it back okay he goes there body of Christ and I go amen right yeah and I close the mouth I walk back to my pew and then you're supposed to

sit down have a pray and let it kind of let the communion slowly like melt away like a skip like a skip exactly like a skip yeah but sometimes I would put my tongue up to the roof of my mouth creating a glue and then you're afraid because this is the body of Christ I am worried so and you're not allowed to chew you're not allowed to chew you're not you're not you're not supposed to chew or look too happy while receiving the body of Christ it's supposed to be you're not supposed to go yeah because genuinely it does taste nice yeah it's like a little it's a little wafer if people haven't had communion Christ you better taste nice I know yeah it is exactly it's the original number one son of God you know so I've had yeah

and it is like like a tackle like I have thought when I was when I was receiving communion before like it would be great with like a smear of like cream cheese or something like that so like uh that is a nostalgic food for me that would be like my version of Old El Paso but you can't really get communion when you first you can't well they must find from somewhere right I yeah I wonder where imagine if you saw that I said they must do not ask that I was like wow at the price um imagine seeing like a a priest like just like he's clearly just had a breakdown walking down the street eating a massive bag oh yeah a bit community wise yeah like their chips just like straight into the mouth it's someone people have definitely done that like because as

people that used to be servers so that was like uh children who would like um there would be like the magician's assistants of priests basically and state and so like I used to do that and um the kids used to steal the wine I really drink the wine yeah but we never never thought like wafers as well like even though we'd access to it what's the wine like um well it was about 11 so yeah wine wine a very heady merlot the breeze just sit sit okay I'll have that thank you very much yeah fill her up so uh yeah I feel so afraid now that of excommunication I mean I'm no longer I'm no longer Catholic no longer Catholic and I am mentally ill and I don't know if they're connected but

sure but I still love a candle like you know yeah and Catholics love candles you can buy like fancy candles that deliberately smell like the catholic smell can you like a yanky candle yeah well it's even like like freshly consecrated yeah but it's like you can buy that's that specific catholic church smell no you can buy in like a really fancy candle and I love I love that I would literally buy that yeah I would swing around in the metal ball yeah oh you see that I used to do that funerals oh yeah yeah I used to earn about 20 quid it was great nice you'd get money for weddings and funerals yeah you know you'd be sad that someone has died in your village but you would be like oh my shift's coming up next week yeah it was great time yeah you can go bowling

I'm happy you know that's that smell is great that takes me back because my grandparents were Catholics so whenever I went to my grandparents we'd have to go to church yeah and that oh nice smell right love it I don't know what the smell is oh look I'll bring you some time one of my food bits is like uh well I'll tell you after well when it comes up I'll be quiet I'll let you take care of it all of those people sicken me James every single one of them but none of them can even hold a candle or a lit match that after they've just done a dump to Fattier to Fattier El Cori oh the queen of the toilet I mean what an episode really we could just put Fattier's entire episode here yeah but here's three little choice clips

from Fattier El Cori and her disgusting mouth do you know what I had baked beans the other day and usually they make me fart and they didn't so I don't know what's going on honestly I really don't I don't I don't know if they've changed because I don't I don't eat them because they make me fart a lot yeah and I fart a lot anyway without beans I don't need no excuse do you know I mean sure so like I don't know what's happened I think they might have changed the the recipe I'm saying so you must fart quite a lot when you eat the baked beans normally for it to be an event in your head when you ate beans and you didn't fart and that's that's like that's a proper thing for you that you remembered I didn't fart

when I had those beans what the hell happened to me yes one time we was having dinner like family dinner and accidentally fired at the table my mum lost her shit she was like Fettier had tomorrow you go Morocco forever and I was like okay mum fine it was an accident okay Morocco forever yeah she was pissed she was like you are an animal did you just claim to be your sister they don't work on my mum just that mad grandma yeah yeah that's a good idea actually good job she wasn't there that walking stick would have gone straight up the back yeah exactly do you have any other cups because at the moment you're using that cup for everything yeah that cup's coming up a lot I mean do you have a toilet what's going on are you just literally everything everything

goes in that cup do you know do you know what it's funny you should say that right because I live near a railway bridge so whenever people say to me where do you live I say I'm a troll I live under the bridge and they usually give me money so they don't they just never come to my house that's all you were definitely going to tell another story there Fettier I can't remember well I asked if you were eating the cup as a joke and then you said I've got a story actually I live near a railway bridge and I was intrigued to see where this was going and that was it I just live near a railway bridge and there's not a story when people when people ask me I always go I live down there under the box and yeah they feel sorry for me that's all I just make them believe that I'm a troll that's

all I really thought we were going to get a story about you taking a piss in that cup are you mad no but when I was younger I tell you I do have a story and when I was young I used to be obsessed with water so like I would just drink from the toilet and my mum would open the door I know this is embarrassing James's face then was honestly the most surprised I've ever it's just how when Fettier tells stories she doesn't tell the main bit of the story she tells the whole bit of the story the same as each other so there's no kind of like tea and something up and here's the main thing it's just the normal stuff and the headline is all said the same so just like when I was younger I was obsessed with water so I used to drink out the toilet and it's

just like it's all the same and there's nothing there's no flagging up that here comes this yeah it's just there you go I used to drink out the toilet like a like a little doggy yeah I legit did like my mum would just come and I'd just how often like every day they stuff to shut the door but they like they would shut the toilet door but if I if I somebody forgot that was it I was in there I was like doing a David Hasselhoff dive and I was just like that in the water honestly I used to be like proper bad even in the bathroom as well I would turn the tap on and just hold it like that so just go everywhere you love what how old are you I think about three so you could get to the sink and turn the tap on not the sink the bath the bath the bathtub yeah

but so you could drink out of the taps of the bath yeah why were you favouring the toilet uh water I have no idea I think it's the lion in me you know I said you've got a lion immunity I don't know I'm all the animal in me I don't think you can invoke the noble lion when you're talking about drinking from the toilet I should do it in people's houses as well man my mum was like we can't take you anywhere this is the toilet drink lovely to see you thanks for having us to your home excuse me where's your bathroom is that fatty you're talking when you drank up the toilet would you cup it in your hands like just bring it to your mouth or were you just fully putting your head in and lapping it up like a big like a big lion so what happens is because we pray we have a little

jug in our toilets yeah that we fill with water so every time you go toilet rather than using tissue you use the water to clean yourself yeah so I would fill that jug and just you know drink from it the bum jug yeah yeah exactly the bum jug so you would drink out of the bum jug yes I'd feel that and then drink not like that I'd drink from the rim all my hands whichever because I knew they would catch me so I had to do it quickly I was like I've got to get this fixed I've got to get this fixed you wanted it so bad get these germs in yeah so now we know why you insist on drinking from a jug yeah now it's exactly that you've not changed remember listen still feeling like you're drinking out the toilet the bum jug I am obsessed with the toilet now you know like I have to get

all those you know those things you stick on the sides that whenever you flush a nice smell comes out I've got about 10 in my toilet like I'm obsessed with it like I bleach it every day I flush it every five seconds I know it's not good but I just like the smell the smell of those smelly things I probably drunk from a dirty toilet when I was little and someone's we used to go to this woman's house and my mum we used to be like don't ever drink from their toilet they don't flush so like I don't know that's not the reason I'm definitely not the reason you shouldn't drink from the toilet you shouldn't have to say that to anyone remember when we're at this person's house don't drink from their toilet because they don't always flush did your grandma know that you're

drinking from the toilet hell no I'd be dead if she did your dream starter okay this is crazy because we've just kind of a little bit been talking about it but my dream starter is hovis granary bread or multi-seed toast with butter that's my favorite thing and now whole right do you know what I've got a toaster do you know where it is it's still in the box okay I don't use it because if I use my toaster I would eat bread every motherfucking day do you know what I mean like three times a day I'd eat it three times a day can you imagine what my poo would be like I would it would be a brick I just couldn't do it so yeah I can't but that's my favorite food like sometimes I go cafe and I'm like can I have toast and they're like no and I'm like what

do you mean they're like it's nine o'clock get out and I'm like okay as in like nine p.m not a m obviously they'd have to give it to me if it was a m you know the cafe in the evening try and get some toast yeah I'm like please can I have a bit of toast I'll do anything for a bit of toast please sir and they're like we're gonna call the police that's my favorite food starter that is my favorite I'll be honest it's a surprise she makes me feel sick James absolutely gross but you know what would be a good antidote to all that poo talk some wonderful impressions oh yeah you've been working on your accents again so they've come up quite a lot yes I've got to say often it's my fault often I will deliberately

make you do them especially in front of famous actors yes so let's hear from Morgana Robinson Joseph Quinn Jarvis Cocker Felicity Ward Tom Davis and Rob Brydon Brydon talking of accents don't Morgana where are you from well I was born in Australia so there you go what I know so I came over here when I was like three so I don't I'm very anglicised but my whole family sound like that we're like you know proper sort of redneck country victoria Australians you know it's very sort of um you know neighbors or whatever because obviously you're very good at voices anyway because that's you know part of your job you can slip into my auntie though yeah but is that easier for you to reach for because even though you're only there it's very familiar

yeah it's very familiar yeah because I have to switch on the phone all the time I don't know have you always been able to do voices because I'm something of a I like to try and I can't really do them very well James is obsessed with people who can do accents do you want me to teach you one yeah okay why don't you Ed give us an example of an accent well shall I give you an example of one that I love James do you know you don't have to give me that's a Shrek he does Shrek go on then what do you want Shrek to talk about um shoes so Shrek's got a new pair of shoes maybe yeah that'd be lovely really nice new pair of shoes and he loves them so much oh I'm trying out these new shoes oh that's so nice don't get don't get come and give me my shoes I'm putting my

shoes on oh those are some good shoes oh I don't wear them all the way happily ever after Shrek that's extraordinary thank you thank you so where would you start maybe if there if there was any pointers that you could give James maybe improve it if it can be improved indeed um I would just I just move on to the next try on your attempt but yeah the best way is if you if you've just if you know someone yeah with a with a Glasgow accent just sidle up yeah enjoy the ride I mean Mike Myers yeah he's Canadian doing like a Scottish accent that a lot of Scottish people they don't appreciate the voice he does in Shrek so maybe they would prefer mine so I'm just at least making you know I'm not even making fun of me I'm genuinely I'm genuinely trying every every time I do that I'd

like to think that Scottish people would appreciate my one more than his one I think so it's got more potential some yeah it's a lot potential yeah a lot of potential 100 percent potential it's almost yeah it's almost yeah it's nothing but potential there yeah what are you feeling like I have the storm right now is you're on your social media it's going nuts still pretty raw people going people going save people are insane are they going insane about it they're insane about it they're so surprised yeah yeah yeah most of the surprises things happened um yeah look it's all is yeah we're still very much kind of in the in the eye of it really yeah at the moment yeah it's kind of mad it's good every time you really go wide with your eyes I just think I'm talking any months

every time I go there is yeah there he is there he is there good accent thank you that's perfect James do you take card yeah yeah yeah I thought you were American James is very good at accents as well so he loves to meet another guy who's good at accents yeah yeah right nice to meet should we do you want to do yeah yeah okay do you have any requests for James's accent oh he's nice tim maybe maybe an american just a general general american yeah that's perfect that's good uh uh okay yeah yeah what do you want me to talk about in my american voice uh just last time you were surprised I'd say the last time I was really surprised would have to be or when I watched Stranger Things that was good yeah that was surprising yeah surprisingly good yeah that's my american voice

that I would do if I was in Stranger Things and people would think I was American that would be surprised when I was English honestly that's how I thought I sounded yeah yeah you did you feel like a sociopath you just kind of you just like hey man like after a while like I was so far down the rabbit hole after but like points have just been like do I sound do I sound do I sound good do you like do you like this do you like what I'm doing doing it to americans oh yeah no exactly what it's kind of you put the shoe on the other foot yeah I was trying to like I was talking to Joe Kiri and I was at one point I was like like honestly so deep in it and he was just like dude I can't save you I can't save you but I promise you it's going to be fine yeah but yeah it was um thank you

for that James hey no worries I'm happy to you know put my american accent out they're pretty good I thought you were going to make me do shrek so thank you for not making me do shrek it's annoying when like actors do like voices for stuff and they put on an accent for a card to go why have you hired that person yeah just hire someone that's from there and I was about to give an example but no I'm not going to give the example because I know what would happen but no ah no yes uh no James is referring to shrek um because um James does a very good shrek impression would you like to hear James's shrek impression yeah come on well what would you like me to talk about shrek Jarvis imagine you're talking to the donkey about yeah it's uh personal

IG that's behind me donkey you gotta watch behind your ears you're being so disgusting donkey you've got to brush your teeth donkey come over here listen to me while I'm talking to you how do you feel about that um oh I'm glad to have witnessed it yeah it's a long time since I've seen shrek so I can't say exactly how I feel well it's very good the film and James's impression both both equally good um there's the shrek the musical which is available to watch on netflix and I popped on the first five minutes the other day and it's utterly horrifying yeah yeah it's terrifying live action a man dressed as shrek as in like a live stage version of shrek the musical oh no a big green man do you like musicals as a musician oh god um no I don't like when I used

to do a radio show on six music on a sunday when I got in the lift it would always be a laying page and she plays loads of musicals so I just try I can last about even the you know there's only three floors and by the time I was got to the third floor I was going please let me out of this you know that kind of I just hate it it's like shut up that's good you think I could get a job if you were doing that I'd want you would shred the musical if you were doing that yeah I think it a pulp jukebox musical yeah but then people turn up and it's everyone's doing it in that voice would be yeah that would be a desecration yeah I think pulp fans would like that though if there was a pulp the musical and it was all your hits but everyone sang it like that not really

enunciating any lyrics and just trying to finish what's left of my career my mom has it every single morning and she tells me she's done it for 10 years yeah and I'll get if I go over there and she goes I'll make you breakfast would you like a bit of Bertramusli I've just uh soaked them over and she will go through what she's done she's been doing it for a decade I'm like I know exactly what's in there I appreciate it my mom is amazing where she talks about the food that she's cooked like she's just completed a Heston Blumenthal recipe yeah and she's like I just had a nice little salad with um you know little bit of lettuce and um some parsley for the garden and I'm like yeah this sounds like a pretty

standard salad yeah I get that sure sure sure she did not have a functioning oven for years and one of the stovetops worked and she was all right with that and one when I was staying out there once I got home and it was really late and I said I'm really hungry and she said there's a frozen pizza in the freezer I was like oh okay I'll just whack that in the oven she goes the oven doesn't work why don't you put it on the barbecue I'm like oh I didn't know if barbecue's defrost she's like no no no it'll be fine and so I cooked it I don't know if you've seen that episode of The Simpsons where Marge goes and then Homer tries to cook fish fingers and they're burnt on the outside and frozen it was that it was absolutely disgusting that was the same night she tried to

tell me that she invented the phrase get a room and also tried to like get me over into cryptocurrency wow my mum is a loose unit I just say broadly don't take crypto advice from someone who doesn't have a working oven yeah or someone who cooks pizza on a barbecue yeah most Australian anecdotes we've ever had I mean oh the same trip let me tell you this yeah I had uh let me tell you this have you done bloody months I love this character hello there chef how you're going that's like my old working club man um we have things called RSLs in Australia which are like return service league they're working man clubs for people that have been in the military but there's always someone that's up at the bar that's like ordering I love there's three like how you're

going I love it absolutely love that point yeah they say this is something that might so I'm just I'm just being flooded with memories my my pop was very Australian he's ex army as well and one day when mum and dad had only been going out for a little while mum caught a wave and she lost her bikini top and so she covered her hands and came like the covered her boobs with her hands came out of the water and my pop said if those puppies are for sale I love the one with the little brown nose sticking out it's so uphead street as soon as you said it I was like oh that's going to kill him I was going to kill him oh that's just saying that to your future door and law yeah so bad this is why I have no boundaries I've never been taught them my dad said that to my

girlfriend I'd be like we're we're moving to a different country and we've never seen my parents that's oh that's so funny I took my wife now back to where I came from man for this sort of trip of like you know just before he got married I was like yeah I'm going to take you back to where I come from it's a tiny little place called Roy Carter which is near Belmont it was just sort of on the sort of like furthest peak of Ireland and I hadn't been back for years so I was like look we're going to go and you know you can sort of see like where my grandmother's born and all that so we're driving over there and the sat nav's basically stops can't find this place Roy Carter it's quite a tough little place to find so we sort of pull over in Belmont that we're going to this petrol station and I'm

like um I'm going to do this accent right yes but like this accent in me or they have this kind of sort of singing we have talking when you're talking to you I can't do it greatly but I'm going to try I haven't been there that sounded like a legit accent I go into the petrol station I was like hi I'm looking for Roy Carter and this man goes that's what she was like why do you want to try Carter why do you want to go there and all and I said oh I'm I'm over there like my family's from there like my grandmother what's your grandmother's name now I'm Bridget Lally Bridget Lally's dad she's been dead for a very very long time I know she's dead she's but my uncle's Dennis and Tady Lally Dennis is in a mental health institution Tady's dead I was like yeah I know this that my uncle's

he's like well what do you want there I said well I'm going to take my what yeah I think you have to do an interview to go to this fucking place right so I do this whole thing and he's like follow me I'll show you a Roy Carter so we get in the car and we drop me and my wife for driving he speeds off my wife's trying to keep up right speeds through the country we turn up at Roy Carter and he runs into the this B&B pub we're staying in and the whole pub comes out right and I still come out it's quite intimidating you're in the middle of nowhere like sort of like you know the wilderness of Ireland and my wife's like oh my god what's happening I was like don't worry I've got this I get out of the car and the woman who runs the B&B is like what do you want here he says

such you're related to Bridget Lally now she's dead she's been dead I said no no no yes Bridget Lally is my grandmother and she says um he says no you're Dennis and Tady's nephew you know that Dennis and mental institution Tady's dead no I said yeah no no no no my uncle's it's yeah yeah yeah wait look I come from like this is I want to sort of like it's a sort of me retracing and show my wife like where I'm from and you know where my family's from and my wife is like we have a room booked here and she was like we've got one room booked tonight in the name of Mick and Mary Murphy is that you and I went no no no no I'm Tom Davis and like this is my fiance Catherine Morphew and she was like my feel was maybe we've got a name wrong when Mary Mick would you come in I was like

no no that's not why so take us this fucking nuts room right we're there for like four or five days where we're driving around yeah and for the whole time she's called me Mick my wife Mary it's like an insane place it's like something from a comedy sketch and they never showed up yeah no no no no because I think they had just literally not heard what my wife was saying and just put these names down yeah so um this like sort of the like I think like the penultimate like we're there I'm sort of like I was in a bar chat and some people and she comes with a worried look on her face she said can I have more of you Mick I was like yeah yeah she's um deal I'm there's an old man over there says you're an actor but then you have Tom Davis he's got it all wrong I said no no that is

me I'm Tom Davis I'm an actor by the way I don't know when you got here you said you were Bridget Lally's grandson I was like yeah no I am Bridget Lally's grandson and tell us in two days nephew I said yeah no no you know but he's a convention actor I said no I am an actor I'm an actor but I'm also related to Bridget and Tady and and and and she's like um well who the fucking house McMurphy I said no idea who the fucking McMurphy is right and she's just quite the conundrum we have haven't I and I was like it's really not a conundrum it's anyway uh she still writes to me like and they'll DM me on uh from this place it's an incredible play anyway there'll be nothing you and you're modern up to the minute hipster humor can do about it it'll be old school all the way

man imagine if like there's another series of the trip and they were like you've got to have a you know some new blood some modern hips to humor and uh I managed to make the cut we take you along with us I'm getting destroyed like scrappy do scrappy do around the table you're the kid this with us we're getting absolutely just torn apart I don't think you say you'll be like I don't think you would I think I think you would overpower us with with the power of now basically and we'd look like two grandads and we'd be going go on Steve come back to him with something it is really fast I know but you are as well well sorry you why don't you say something but obviously you and Steve are back and forth with impressions as well in the trip so James would

have to get involved in in that really wouldn't it yeah would you do oh no so James what what could you do if it was all sort of if it was fast-paced impressions around the table I know where he's going with this Rob you've got one up his sleeve well this is a regular thing on the podcast it's so far up his sleeve it's popped out his collar is that it makes me do an impression quite regularly on this podcast and I don't like doing it and I've been very this he's really done well here it's very early isn't it's very early in the podcast very early but I because I specifically like it when James has to do it to people who are good at impressions or accents or anything like that yeah but we can move on come on let's hear it so who is it well I'll do it and you can guess

who it is oh good good what would you like me to talk about talk about I have to act like I'm on the trip with you and Steve yeah so you could say something like well talk about the food let's say we're having a lovely starter talk about that that's what we talk about oh Steve do you like your starter huh don't don't get it's don't give me Steve are you eating your starter man oh is that meant to be Mike Myers doing Shrek my name is Shrek is Shrek is it yeah because you said donkey if you hadn't said donkey yeah the first bit you would have said oh princess Fiona she's lovely I mean yeah that's not good I've got I've got too much I said it's you heard me I said it's not good I've got too much respect for you James to to to say anything other no no it's not good it's not your

area I would stay out of that area I would like to see that on the trip though you got to admit that oh there's no doubt you committed to it if anything that made it worse is that the first thing on the checklist of a good impression commitment yeah no something like the first thing and that's the bit I think that James skipped over yeah yeah yeah you have you have so many talents James I mean I think you've got a it would be like me trying to do kippy upies you know it's never going to happen is rubbish no I can't you but you want to try your character in the trip would try your character in the trip would be very competitive of course yes but of course you see that's where my character in the trip is very much a fabrication because I'm not that I'm

I'm competitive in some ways but in others I'm massively uncompetitive I'm happy for a no score draw oh here in that back actually I realize that I'm much better at accidents than I think I am yeah but you still get pretty wound up man uh Joe what a lot of guests do come on this podcast and wind me up I don't think I'm to blame now I think it's always reasonable whenever I get wound up you used to be to blame but now I think people come in to deliberately try and wind you up yeah they do certainly in the case of some of these estermanito Charlotte church flow and Joan and Professor Brian Cox I feel angry just hearing their names we arrive at your dessert now listen oh don't call that face this is this is

everything I do just angers James yeah but this will be this will be the one I hope you're gonna yeah come on what is right whatever you like Esther what I don't think is going to happen it's always slim people that love dessert isn't it hey I'm the slim white guy at mandible it's always people that who like slim that have I love just to look at me for that it's always these slim people who like it isn't it no you're you know what I'm all about Tuber I do like where this is going I am scared because I don't really know where to direct my anger in this room I haven't had somebody I don't think I know I have had people in this room yeah throw me for yeah yeah you have yeah so you get quite angry if someone doesn't have dessert

yes so if you went out for a meal with somebody and they didn't have dessert would you just get up and walk out well no I would shout at them and threaten to throw them into Trafalgar square which is what I did to Ed yeah that's what he ordered the cheese and biscuits and yeah so most people I don't think it has anyone who if they ordered cheese and biscuits in a restaurant I wouldn't get annoyed about it instead of instead of having dessert someone just doesn't have dessert and that's they just pass on it entirely I'm not delighted but it's not as bad as cheeseboard is the worst really I do surely passing is no no no passing is not as bad cheeseboard is worse because it's it's real okay we're going down the spiral it's real bad

cheeseboard but you get the sweetness from the chutney no you do not what are you about to say I was gonna say cheese fucking hell yes with some grapes and sweet and a bit of sweetness from the grapes so great grapes blue stilton salty crackers lovely yeah really good hate it the thing is James you don't understand flavours because you need the you need the the grapes and then you get the salt the salty stilton it's lovely no that's not true you don't understand flavours oh god what would you have then after a curry oh a fucking pudding maybe yeah like what ice cream sorbet cheesecake fudge cake fudge what the fudge cake chocolate

fudge cake and no one says fudge cake it's always chocolate fudge cake well sorry I have to specify I wouldn't have I wouldn't yeah but you don't want after a big meal we don't have to then have a cake I agree you don't want a pudding after a curry I'd have loads of custard I'd have a big bowl of custard over a cheeseboard not after a curry you wouldn't yeah I would oh god I can't stand custard I can't stand it what I feel I can't stand it I really can't stand it rice pudding as well sorry these are things that I want to hop against your bare naked teeth I don't have an amenol I think a cheese cheeseboard after a curry is a great choice I think it's a great choice not a great choice you do have the like the cold grapes to soothe the spice what are you talking

yeah ice cream to soothe the spice yeah normally it's different perfect all right all right James just chill out yeah right listen I tell you what I will I will compromise no see this is always happens you always bully people into yeah he throws a little fit doesn't he yeah you should I think you should stick to your gun zest at that sometimes well I will but the only compromise I'll have is you know in the Indian restaurant for the dessert you get the whole lemon with the sorbet in of course yeah yeah yeah put the sorbet in the bin there we go sorbet in the bin eat the lemon would madam like a spoon no need yeah no I'm eating the whole thing I'm not a pack man just I hate to tell you that's exactly how you've characterised yourself throughout this podcast

that you're a lemon pack man yeah I said I peel it and I eat the slices honestly I love I love a lemon sorbet in a whole lemon I love that I'll have a lemon sorbet yeah lemon sorbet is delicious let it be known that I would prefer to have a cheese board but because you can have both I'll have both then you can have a cheese board and then you can have a little lemon sorbet in a whole lemon what about those posh places where you go and you have the little sorbet between courses to cleanse the palette do you have that I've never had that I've never had that I've heard it said yeah I've heard tail you heard tail of the yeah intercourse sorbets I do genuinely feel calmer now that the lemon sorbets in place would you eat like an angel delight

yes I would do it that's made me angry I wouldn't you don't like custard angels are like you don't like anything sloppy why why why why why why because it's all just like vomit looking in it what it just looked like custard yeah pink custard see this is really this is really interesting as well and I've spoken about this on the podcast oh hang on I'll have a trifle that's not custard isn't it it's literally got custard cream yeah it's literally the consistency of everything you just said listen I've gone back on myself again yeah listen at Christmas I'll have a scoop a trifle because I like the cream the whipped cream you like the whipped cream would you still want to scoop a whipped cream no I'll stick with my no I'll have my cheese board

and then my lemon sorbet and a spoon for the trifle and a spoon for the trifle no I'm not having a spoon for the trifle I'm just saying to prove a point because he was getting angry just to just to let me know that I'm not completely you have a spoon full of trifle but that's gonna be a sure I've heard you think that makes me angry yeah actually if I'm allowed to do that then what I would love to do is is go back to the dreaming in in mid Wales in the heart of Wales to the healing retreat centre and there are two incredible waterfalls so I am going to stand with a really fancy looking goblet at the bottom of the waterfall and I am going to take this pristine cool water right from the waterfall thank you very much and when you're there are you out of the way of

the waterfall and you're holding the goblet into the waterfall or are you just standing under the waterfall with a goblet and it's all just going all over you okay you clearly have a little fantasy going on there my darling this isn't a wet t-shirt competition I'm standing next to the waterfall James looks absolutely gutted absolutely gutted that you've called him out for that oh I've never been called a grubby little perv before on the podcast but I feel like a grubby little perv right now sorry about that Charlotte I do apologize for James don't apologize at all but no I am dry and I am holding my goblet under the waterfall yeah yeah oh my god James Charlotte just wants to get on with her dream meal she doesn't need you peeking out of bushes

hoping she's going to get into the waterfall I swear I'm not peeking out of any bushes I was just the logistics of holding the goblet into the waterfall that's all but like it's nice and cleared out versus getting completely submerged yeah that's the two options I thought that was the two options we arrived at your dream dessert and we haven't even had you like try and predict each other's at any point do you oh yeah this would be a good time to predict do you think you you might know what the other person's going to choose this dream dessert I could guess at yours shall I shall I boys and girls my guess would be a baked Alaska wrong oh okay I see the delight in your mind when you said wrong

to be fair even if it was right I would now do an absolute 180 and choose it I'm thinking of all the desserts I want that why did you think baked Alaska I do like baked because you yeah well for that reason yeah it's got a straight forward yeah mum makes a cracking one and that's my bad that is the baked Alaska and she just stays there forever she just freezes in the yeah I do like to bake baked Alaska I don't really like desserts so that's like when I choose if I had to have a dessert but I don't really like them so what's what's about to happen now I want a bowl of stale what's it's please yourself forever what the what what are you joking it might be the worst one we've ever had

it's the worst one we've ever had I want the 11th it's the worst one we've ever had how the how what no even I could get on board with that what nobody even somebody likes what's it's can't get on board with that a bowl of stale what's it's for dessert I'll be doing my own solo show we were talking about baked Alaska a minute ago a bowl of stale what's it's how is that a pudding it's not but I don't like puddings really well why don't you put that as a baked Alaska which you admitted you liked a minute ago and put a stale what's it's somewhere else in the meal because I don't want a dessert like I never order a dessert when I go to a restaurant I never ever ever want it so I can vouch for that she doesn't thank you can we can we talk about why stale

what's it's you know when you go to a party in 1997 it's like kids birthday party yeah and you've like everyone's picked at loads of stuff and there's bowls of stuff the what's it's go stale and they taste so lovely and chewy I fucking love them and I like again like like picking so I don't want to like I want to eat and really enjoy my main meal yeah so I don't want to be like holding myself back for a dessert but I can just pick at what's it and I can just pick at them until they're done the worst dish and it was ever chosen on the podcast ever not just dessert any course ever a bowl of stale what's it's it's nearly I think it's the fuck thank you I think with it's a long side daisy maycoopers pizza salad look for dessert yeah we're with like croutons and

bacon and stuff in it that was bad and made me angry this is way worse this is not even a good version of the thing you've chosen yeah so you've chosen you haven't even said a bowl of what's it's is it a bowl of stale what's it's which I've had a stale what's it and it's just yeah it's why they're not sold that way I buy what's it and I will open the bag go away on tour for a week and then eat them when I come home oh have it with your tea that you've been missing stale what's it's an English wedding soup yeah what as mad as I think this is there is actually quite a nice like joy in eating like something that's puffy but it's slightly like cracky right I mean he's chewing well done for making a case even worse

made a bad thing sound even worse there's a joy in eating something that's puffy but cracky when you get the night you get the this sort of soft crunch and then it goes into that's horrible right well I might be coming around to the what's this no you're not there's no way you're coming out he's saying you're coming out to try and wind me up and it's working is it yeah would you feel the same feeling with like chip sticks or anything that else is sort of like mazy I like a stale chip stick but stale again what the hell is the matter with you no they're like two they taste like communion bread you know like church bread skips but like fishy church bread don't want that but yeah it's only like chip sticks and

what's it I just if I'd stop using a word stale and said infused with more air would that make you feel better no it wouldn't make me feel better maybe it would make me feel slightly better oh so now you're not coming around to it no I'm not coming around to anything if you said for your dessert you want a bowl of what's it so I'd still go through the roof but the fact that you went stale what's it so I'm going up into space absolutely because it's horrendous see Rosie she's over the moon at the moment horrendous oh man I don't know what I absolutely don't regret trying to push you to say the secret ingredient earlier I wish you had it I wish you'd said it it was rocket by the way I wish you'd said it and you would have been

out of the mess but you never would have said stale what's it's I would have stood outside in my little stale bag of what's it's watching the rest of you enjoy a nice evening with our dormio mum you won't be outside eating your stale bag of what's it's going to church you out and you wouldn't have got anything that you planned on having in here ever again I suppose it's like a cheese board really it's a similar sort of something salty and cheesy at the end of the year makes it even worse so congratulations yes even worse the worst cheese board ever stale what's it's oh my good god what Rosie no pressure stale chipsticks after seeing your reaction I'm slightly nervous about this but it is sugary I would like a really big bag of pick and mix okay

yeah but here we are here's the caveat and this is why I'm slightly scared to say it I really love pick and mix that you know the old like old like in Wilco's you get the candy king or like an old sweet shop I like the sweets to feel a bit yeah the Woolworths I like them to feel a bit old great great stale no problem I don't I wouldn't say stale because I don't think sweets can go stale but what's your problem with stale what's it's been that was stale sweets oh I don't know um let me look look at what course one fucking dessert so that would be why that would be why if you put stale what's it's earlier in the meal I'd have let it go would have had a bit of a laugh about it this is a crime if I'd said once there are a few years ago they

made ice cream flavor monster munch would you accept that yeah I'd be more open to that oh well that's not my choice I know it's not your choice you said ice cream flavor monster munch I'd be like oh it's challenging and that's definitely a dessert it's a dessert flavor I'd like to hear about this I'd ask questions about it there'd be I'd be very intrigued or maybe even want to try to my screen flavor monster munch I have no interest in ever eating a bowl of stale what's this especially not for dessert if I had a meal and the end dessert someone bought out stale what's it's it would be the worst meal I'd ever had it certainly wouldn't be my dream so what's in your pick a mix um fried eggs fried eggs definitely uh straw I love anything sort of

strawberry-ish I love laces I love the big snakes I love the pink bottles that have the white foamy on the bottom oh I'm not no yeah we're getting into territory I don't enjoy now okay you get if you say white chocolate mice I think we've pretty much parted company I would prefer a white chocolate snazzle is that what they're called razzle razzle I know what you mean the little discs that are hundreds and thousands if it was if I was going to chocolate territory I'd rather have the razzles snazzles what are they called razzles snazzles I don't know what are they called snazzles I don't know what are they called snazzles I like a fresh bogus snazzles basically lies a monelly now an anodian pick a mix

still fear the chocolate ones in pick a mix yeah I'll only take a few just every now and again you just need a slight different change of pace so a little white chocolate thing would come in I do like a pink chocolate piggy sometimes I've seen the pink chocolate piggies you never no you haven't been to the right pick a mix they're pretty common now like little pig heads pink pig heads I love a pig head we've established this in the opens the bag your mum pops out the pick a mix gotcha

I also had this other thought where because I was thinking dream I was trying to think of like perfect meal but also dream restaurant is do you remember in Willy Wonka when he eats the cup he eats the teacup yes I was wondering if you could like if I could get hold of that just to know what that taste was like maybe if that was a side my pick a mix because I pick a mix would be my ideal like my death row kind of thing but if it's dream that something I can't get hold of it'd be Willy Wonka's little teacup does he drink he drinks from the chocolate river and then he drinks and then he bites off the side and I always just was so interested in as tell me we do want that chocolate with a teacup yeah I was thinking about the chocolate

with a teacup that's amazing isn't it you burst into Willy Wonka little cane walk out of the room thank you I just needed you to say my name do you want chocolate river in in the cup or just the cup yeah I love a bit chocolate that's the whole experience really isn't it yeah a bit chocolate river pre-glued falling in pre-glued oh I'd have a bit of gloop in there actually yeah yeah why not give me let me taste the boy yeah is there like foam bananas foam prawns yeah I have a few but I'd have a few but I'm not huge on the

prawns they sometimes give me a bit of a headache the shrimpy things I would prefer more jellyish I love it when you get like a wine gum but they're like the old ones that would say like the actual thing or they say like burgundy on the milport yeah and they if you sort of like bend them then you can see the top crack do you know what I mean like when they're old and nice cracking cracking puffy yeah yeah cracking and puffy cracking and puffy I'll take my oh I love the bubbly red and black disc thingy you know the little what are they called the red and black bubbly things the berries at yeah the berries the berries yeah I love so only a few of them had them all we've used to have them but I haven't seen them since is the smile flat smiley faces

you're getting green or in jello no pretty much that I love the um spider it or they'll sometimes they're octopus or spider and the bum will be jelly inside of it do you know I mean you're making them up now you're just making them up because we're not we're not stopping you and you're going I need to come up with some more the spider with the bum is jelly the bum is jelly there'll be people who know I mean yeah the the bum will be like slightly raised or the octopus will be slightly raised and it will have like more goopy stuff in it uh-huh I like that cola bottles yeah I'll have one for the sake of it being a classic but I'm not huge on my favorite the sour cola bottle do you like them blue ones not really oh my gosh I really like the traditional cola bottles

hey does anyone else do this I bite the lid like the top off I pretend to drink I pretend to drink the cola I was with you until the drinking yeah yeah I always do that every time I have one bite the top off and go no no no you guys are missing out on a load of fun do you like the cherry cola bottles yeah like them yeah they're good yeah they're the best at Paul's Paul's corner shop around the corner from where I grew up in Kevin that's that would be my go-to we could cherry cola the giant cherry cola bottles yeah they're excited about those yes um and they never count it's the sweets in it so let's just say I did all right is the business still going yeah it is yeah and feel quite uh I mean anytime we go back to Kevin if I ever go in that shop just feel weird

yeah feels like I'm a little kid again yeah and uh I went in there to buy oh yeah me and my friends were going to my mate's house went in there to get some beer beforehand and it felt very weird by an alcohol at Paul's corner shop yeah I felt I was going to get ID'd like here we go is it this is it still Paul who works there yeah but they've well I don't know I think maybe it's his family still but like they've uh yeah it still pretty much looks yeah the same did you get like those like 20p like ice poles and stuff in there as well or those like weird little plastic tubes that were just filled with blue yeah yeah get get those on the way back from school yeah and Celero shots yeah Celero shots we never spoke about them on the pot they were fucking great they are so so good

and like genuinely quench your thirst yeah genuinely yeah and the spider man I slide it from over there the pink ones over there no no it's my 75 mate I mean mate I mean up with spiders again he's got jelly on the ass you guys must have seen it the spiders what a jelly in the house the spiders were there and the octopuses were there and a candy man was there and your dream dessert like Colgato like Colgato the same problems I had yeah I think you wouldn't bed even pick it up oh interesting yeah I like dark chocolate and I don't like dessert too much I don't like sweet so much but I like dark chocolate how dark we're talking very 100 not quite no I go for about 80 nice so dark matter yes yeah we don't know that exists we suspect it does

the latch had run collider just switched on actually again and it's now looking for dark matter really seriously trying to because we thought we'd have discovered it that dark matter is something that we think is out there in the universe because we see its gravitational effects and so we're pretty convinced there's something out there which is a kind of particle there's subatomic particle that we haven't yet discovered and we thought LHC at CERN would discover it but it hasn't done but we're switching on again with much more capability that's one of the things at top of the list do you ever worry there's some things you shouldn't go looking for because you'll wake something up and it'll be evil dark matter seems

to me leave that stuff well alone yeah no but if you hadn't been there assuming it's there so we're pretty sure it is uh assuming it's there then it was it played a central role in the formation of galaxies in the early universe yeah so we wouldn't exist yeah but it doesn't want to be found you can't find it well it's just it's just a particle though so it doesn't have once it feels like it's going to be a venom situation yeah and addressing Ed's original question what if it is evil well it can't it's like saying what if a grain of sand is evil what is it answer that it's not it's a grain of sand it's got no no consciousness no nothing it's just a grain of sand so dark matter would be like very small grains of sand so there's no possibility at all that it could be

evil so we can rule that out what if you're in a lab right and one of the scientists is looking in microscope yeah at some sands that you've got from the beach and they look up and they their face is ashen white and you're like everything okay and they went right this sand is not like any sand i've seen in my life before and you say what we talked about and say this is there is evil in this sand it is evil and they say that to you yeah what's next step yeah yeah throw them out there enough and every scientific society they're a member of just throw them out yeah yeah but then we know from films they're the ones that are right yeah and everyone yeah Jeff Goldblum yeah life finds a way do you agree with that

yeah i do agree with that yeah actually well interestingly so well marz is a good a good question because we we think that life may have begun on mars three and a half billion years ago because the conditions were right and we're pretty certain that it probably isn't there today we're pretty certain it wouldn't be that we tend to look for signs that life existed but it's it's interesting that we do think there may be water subsurface and if there is then that life finds away you know it does seem that if life can survive then it will that does seem to be the case so maybe maybe i go with life finds away that's not anything to do with sand being evil though is it because sand isn't alive because it's sand okay so evil is like it's a force isn't it

that's just like gravity is it's a property of living things and a property of consciousness the spirit no i'm i'm vice versa yeah i'm either way on this yeah i see your point right i see i see james well how come it's me versus Brian now i'm back i'm yes and in your thing but he hasn't got a point for a laugh what no i'm saying what if because dark matter clearly doesn't want to be found so what if we are you worried i want i'm objecting to the use of the term want but have you found it well that's not because it doesn't want to be found is it because it can't want but what is it like venom it's a basic it's just a subatomic particle so subatomic particles don't want anything yeah they don't want to be found no they don't they don't

there's no such concept as want is it it's just a it's a basic building block of matter what if you touch it and it goes all the way up your arm and then you're evil because if you're arm and now you're evil well it wouldn't do that as you know you not found it no because it's a subatomic that's what you find it and it is evil and then you've unleashed that on the world see let's just go let's just think about a grain of sand because it's easier to visualize which is a lot of subatomic particles right so in principle a grain of sand has got more possibilities open to it than just a single subatomic particle so they're more likely to be evil than the dark no even then you get somewhat go and get a grain of sand and have a look at it and see if you think

it's got sufficient complexity to um well to be to be as intelligent as you uh but what if they were all loads of sand not just one grain yeah loads of sand yeah also the this this tip toe back a little bit uh i've never heard the phrase as intelligent as you said with such stands well i've seen that you put a real spin on that when you put it as intelligent as you yeah fair enough i thought someone had to pick it up yeah it's your comedians it's an open net that isn't it and you didn't go you didn't go for it yeah i'm just worried about the sand and all honesty it is quite why it's a good question so you could ask so look at a human brain so that's a collection of remarkably a collection of atoms and molecules that can think

so you could ask how complex does something have to be to have that property i mean we as i said it's probably it's a reasonable assumption that nowhere else in the milky way galaxy are there collections of atoms that can think because it's a big ask yeah it's astonishing but all these things that you're talking about so so evil or love or fear or science or music and art all those things things that emerge from these remarkable collections of atoms so you could ask the question how much stuff do you need and how complex does he have to interact together to produce those what we call emergent properties the answer is we don't we don't know it's one of the great questions so so it's not an entirely stupid question to say if grains of sand could interact

with each other and you could you could build them into some enormous structure that could process information spider-man then would would it become yeah there is a sand man yeah i think that's a scientifically inaccurate church i i i yeah i think someone should have said something i was a consultant on a science fiction film also with a danie boil going back to danie boil and the Beatles film so he directed a film called sunshine yes i love sunshine well the direct the commentary the audio commentary on the sunshine dvd is me is it yeah and i was years ago dvd i want to go home and listen to that see so you never listen to those coming i did the commentary and then danie did the commentary and so and that was before i've been on telly or anything

actually it was the first thing i'd done horizon which is one of the you know on bbc2 years ago since and it was the first one i'd done and they saw it danie saw it and thought you know he looks a bit like this this character that i've got in sunshine which is the killian murphy character how he envisaged him to be so they got in touch and said do you want to come and work on that so i love that film and i do the commentary it's a great film i think it's an underrated masterpiece it is it is underrated i think just because it's like at the end it changes genre and that always people people find that difficult in films but it's great well alex garland wrote it he wrote 28 days later yeah the most great films directed his own brilliant films

as well did x machina x machina is a fantastic film fantastic here we go now all on the same page we've changed genre right the end of the podcast it's a film podcast yeah i want to get to the bottom of this dessert though dark chocolate dark chocolate how would you like this dark chocolate presented and also don't feel like you have to have a dessert if you don't want anything sweet for dessert there's always other options i also like um cheese on toast for dessert oh what the fuck that happens do you want certain restaurants a rare bit a nice rare bit yeah yeah st john a fantastic restaurant is it has a wonderful rare bit yeah the dessert menu yeah and i like that i often go that way actually because i don't like sweet things yeah i often go

for the rare bit well this is the dream restaurant if you if you want to have a lovely bit of rare bit rare bit with yeah what's the sauce on it yeah lovely uh oh what is it james is our uh resident dessert head and he doesn't like it when people pick something savory for dessert now after all that chat about what isn't isn't evil let me tell you brian cox a savory dessert scientifically evil and anybody who orders one falls into that category as well you and that rare bit may as well have been touched by the venom that you don't want to find in space well no the rare bit can't be evil we've gone through this yeah it's not it's not sentient the note no one thinks that rare bit is sentient you can't have a conversation with cheese on toast

sometimes it feels like the cheese is so mature it's having a chat with you yeah don't even joke this is someone just ordered cheese on toast i think it's amazing no one's ever ordered cheese on toast before this is perfect i love sad here listen can we have sat here and we have indulged this man in every crackpot theory he's been throwing up on us i draw it alive and cheese on toast for dessert i have grand and bad it every single thing he's gone on about none of them make any fucking sense i do not let this go what happens if we go sweet for the starter then whatever i mean is that what we'd be making that salmon

swimming through sugar now that's something that's gone through enough is that even worse i just i i want to know that would i'd feel better about that if the start of changing the starter again no no no let's let's let's let's let's let's you stick to your guns brine you know i tell you what i tell you what brine there's one of your courses that should be shut on is this enough brine was never shitting on to the potatoes over this you're going to fertilize it are you yeah and fertilize it i hope you like it fertilized what's the other one with the dates with with the bacon wrapped around it was that devil's horseback yeah that was on horseback evil evil the clues of the name brine the devil's there

well that section was about winding you up james but i think we wound up professor brine cox there the best best moment ever i love winding up that professor and we know our stuff what we what he doesn't know is that we hustled him we hustled that guy because we know it's already foregone conclusion that sand and dark matter evil evil we already know that but what aren't evil is poppadoms ah love poppadoms usually we start the meal with poppadoms but we're ending part one of our roundup for the craze that's sweeping the nation just promise me one thing don't make dirty this is shavon mcsweeney and tim key yeah it's the factory

poppadoms on bread poppadoms on bread shavon mcsweeney poppadoms on bread is that how you treat your sodas from beginning to see what the problem is here screaming it is so to scream the first person i've made jump in ages in ages you shouldn't be proud of that yeah well it used to be in the early days they'd jump every single time yeah and now people always ready for it because they've had a little mission beforehand yeah but then i was like oh this is the perfect time to do it because we were talking to each other yeah you think we've teed up something else yeah i had i had um the soda scream i got good the soda is very good i would like

both please yeah if possible i would like both and i would like the poppadoms to continue throughout the meal even with dessert lovely yeah okay great well i'm very interested to see what this is well we learned lately that that's not that's actually the right way to do it we we were told well i agree but how do other people know this as mccarn who'd like she's got like a proper restaurant and everything she knows what she's doing yeah she told us poppadoms are meant to be at the end of the meal just before dessert oh yeah that's if anything you've just so you're more authentic you've got in the authenticity yeah yeah well i but i wanted throughout the whole thing i don't want to wait till just before right okay so do you want a big pile of poppadoms to sort of

snack on throughout the meal or as this is the dream restaurant we can do this for you do you want an absolutely massive poppadom oh my god that you can just sort of work your way into the middle could i have like do you know like an art installation they'd have a cube could i have like a room made out of poppadoms yes and could i because it's magic not make dirty the poppadoms when i run through it but i have enough structural integrity that when i run through it you know like a cartoon and you can sort of see the shape yeah so i would do that be able to see that then there would be a basket of course yeah and i would pick up the shards of poppadom and take it away sort of so i'd work for it in a way i'd harvest my own poppadoms are you eating in

the is this where the restaurant is are you in a big cube poppadom well no because how what about i'm very into lighting and i don't think you could the structural integrity for light fittings and stuff no that's that's silly so it's separately a cube poppadom when you run through it and pick up the shards but also when you run through it not make dirty yeah not make dirty so i could still eat it but also if i stood in the cube i could i could just sort of like sling myself yeah sling myself around the room and sort of feel a crash all around me yeah but also not make dirty with my feet or anything yeah but in that fantasy you're not going to allow for light fittings you're going to be like because poppadoms can't you're not thinking this through

poppadoms can't hold up a lampshade no but they also can't withstand someone throwing themselves around it and not making dirty at the same time like is this what are your limitations as a genie i didn't sign up to this you'll be interested to hear that we've never crossed this bridge this is what i'm saying i could absolutely give you a big cube poppadom that you can jump around and not make dirty yeah but also i can put light fittings in that or you can look they're fairly translucent poppadoms you could put the lights outside the poppadom and you'd get a sort of lovely glow i think i'd like that that feels a little bit more special and i think it would be quite a special moment i'd like to i'd like to be nicely lit lovely i mean so is that your

bread that you want is it the is it the keema no i'm taking poppadoms okay because because actually so so james is right immediately james is right i actually love the look it's a process isn't it and it's a it's it's a performance you know that whole can we get some poppadoms and then those dips come and you know some twerp in your party karate chops the poppadoms can i just say you say twerp oh yeah i can totally imagine you being that person you every time it must be you every time leaning over with that look when you go you glaze over and you turn and say a chimp you do you do a mischievous chimp and you do things like smash the poppadoms you love that no or you lean over and you look at a sword cheeky and you say shall i be mother and then you chop it no you've

done that before no no no no no i'll tell you why because i don't chop it i slap it okay yeah okay you don't chop your slap i slap slap's better than the chop um well i think the slap's more spectacular because i mean it is carnage yeah and no one can get any no one can find a shard after that that's large enough to actually yeah go into a dip and come out alive and the reason people are chopping it is because it's a bit more courteous it's the thin side of your hand and you're going full palm you're slapping the palm and then palm straight down shall i be mother yeah sparkling water and poppadom yeah yeah that's chaos key coming in there where you turn up you could also you could dip a shadow to a poppadom in there can you i don't think i want to um i

don't think i want those two things to to cross the streams that's it i don't want to cross the strength that's exactly the phrase i was looking for i don't want to cross the streams right okay but you know that you'd be tempted i wouldn't even be tempted to but would i be tempted to dunk poppadoms in a cheese just to see what it was like i think that'd be great do you think so right here we go spicy poppadom dunked in camembert with a little bit of mango chutney on the top i think that will be absolutely incredible you know more about food than me i wouldn't even know where to start with that that's insane it's just cheese and crackers with chutney then i think you might have to have a reinforced poppadom because i think it you know what you're

trying to pick up here it's not child's play the the camembert it's like depending on how late into the proceedings it is sure when it first comes out of the oven when you first cracked the um the white you know sort of soft shell of the exterior with the cracked black pepper and the olive oil once you've said once you've cracked that and how are you cracking that palm slap i think i think i'd have to go chop i have to have to have to have to go chop for that that would be too much carnage shall i be mother and then straighten palm straight into mountain cheese i did i did a shall i be mother to alex horn once and um i must say um it was in edinburgh and his parents were there and i did a shall i be mother and it was with a pie and actually

there was there was a slight element of people looking at horn as if to say he probably shouldn't be mother but i think if you're ordering a pie and no i don't know whether i agree with this now i was going to say if you're ordering a pie you're sort of slightly taking your life into your own hands but actually you should be allowed to have pie yeah yeah yeah that's not on them so when you say you did it to a pie you did shall i be mother and slap the pie yeah yeah but i don't think i think well there's a couple of things here like slice i think you're trying to um get get into the um get into you know the community the idea that i have a catch phrase which is shall i be mother oh don't you worry that's already that's that's done now yeah that's crystal

there will be people across the country having indian meals yeah saying shall i be mother and then slap it above yes that's happening is it yeah then explain is that the power of this podcast that is the power of this podcast shall i be mother is now part of the public power this podcast has i mean the irony is i'm gonna start doing that and i've never done that before yeah not with the catch phrase i think you have i think you definitely have not with the catch phrase well there we go shall i be mother the craze that's sweeping the nation james yeah and hey keep on doing it throughout christmas and new year everyone part two of course we'll be out tomorrow tomorrow that's the day after today well done thank you any last words richard

any anything you want to say to all the um orange juice heads out there uh squeeze on baby squeeze me till my pipsqueak hello it's me amy glad to you might remember me from the best ever episode of off menu where spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on uh mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since and i am joined by me a and smith i would probably go bread i'm not gonna i'm not gonna spoil in case get him on james and ed but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing it's called northern news it's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the north because look we're two northerners sure but we've been

living in london for a long time the new stories are funny quite a lot of them crimes it's all kicking off and that's a new podcast called northern news we'd love you to listen to maybe we'll get my mum on get glills mum on every episode that's not the news when's it out ian it's already out now amy is it yeah get listening there's probably a backlog you've left it so late