Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Best of 2022: Part 2

Episode Date: December 29, 2022

And here's part two of our 2022 Best Of collection. We’ll be back in the new year! Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome back to the best of 2022. This is part two of 2022, James. 2022. This is out of all the years in your lifetime, everybody. This is the most amount of twos that are going to be in it. Yeah, that's true, actually. You can't get me on that. You can't. I didn't want to get you, A. And B, it just took me a couple of seconds to work out that no one's going to live for 200 years from now. Yes. Well, we've got another batch of clips there. Favorite moments from the last 12 months. Another classic piece of banter. Yeah, well,

I thought it was quite good. Yeah. You know. I think it's just always the dismount with us. Obviously, I know that I should have said that you are going to live for that long, Ed. Oh, because you don't think I'm going to die? No, but that's from an episode that hasn't been out yet. Yeah. So we can't really say that. So I've considered saying it, and then it's like, oh, no, they haven't heard that episode yet. But stay tuned for that. Yes. It's a little teaser for a future episode. James doesn't think I'm going to die. Ed, can I interest you in some water? Oh, that would be lovely, please. That's how we start the podcast every week, and it's how we're going to start this one. Still or sparkling

water? Here's Asmokan and Nadia Hussein. We always start with still or sparkling water. Very, very boring. Straight. No, that's not, but still the boring choice, right? Yeah. That's the jazzy water. Yeah, it's the jazzy water. Would you agree? Yes. More jazzy, a bit more fun. Why would you prefer sparkling over still each time? Because I, this is still something new to me. I mean, in India, if your water had bubbles in it, you run. There's something live at the bottom of the glass breathing through that water. You see bubbles, you don't drink it. And it's been 30 years, but in my heart, there's still stuff I take joy out of. And yeah, to see bubbles and you know that it's not an animal breathing in the bottom of the glass. I'm going

to think that every time I see sparkling water now, I'm going to have to check the bottom of the glass and go, there's something breathing down there. I'll be quite excited if I had a little creature in my glass. Still or sparkling water? You are going to hate me. Everyone in the world is going to hate me for this. So I really like tepid, warm, still water. Warm, interesting. Yeah, I'm like an elderly person. Yeah, my grandma used to drink that. She used to have to have to have a mug of hot water in the morning. Yeah, I'm like, in the morning, the first thing I drink is hot water. So I drink warm water and even, I mean, not even warm. I like it when it's just been sat out. And you know, when it's just, yeah, you know, when it's been sat out and like the kids

haven't drank a glass of water and it's like bubbly around the side. I'll happily drink that. That's like perfect temperature for me. I do not like cold water. Do you leave out some glasses of water before you go to bed to make sure you've got your perfect tappered water? No, but the best kind of water is the bottle of water that I take upstairs to bed with me every night. And then I'll drink it. I may drink it through the night. And if I don't, I get really excited when I wake up. And it's like bubbly around the side. And then I'll drink that. And I love that. I love that. I don't know what it is. There you go. James has gone. Don't entice me you. Don't entice me with that bubbly. That is my water that was by my bed when I went to sleep, but I am drinking it now,

to be fair. I don't want to tip it away. Don't tip it away. Don't hurt me. That's like, no, that's good water. That's like seasoned water. Don't ever flip it away. Seasoned. Yeah. A little bit of age to it, like a steak. Yeah. I don't like ice. I don't like icy water. And I don't mind a bit of sparkling occasionally, but it has to be tepid and it never is. So I always go for like tepid water. Sorry to disappoint you. This feels like a toffee crisp moment. No. It's interesting we haven't had this answer before. If you were in a restaurant and they said, would you like some water still sparkling or tap water? What would you say to them? I always ask them to give me a glass of hot water on the side. And then I kind of do my own little

mixing. Wow. No one is ever going to like me. So you ask for a cold water, a hot water, and a thermometer. And then you're going to do the exact right. Then I kind of do this mixie thing. And I tell them, don't fill it up because you can't really fill up two glasses. So sometimes they don't listen. Then I'm like, can I have another glass please? And they're like, oh my God, there she is, that stupid celebrity asking for three glasses of water, one empty, two different temperatures. Can you imagine how ridiculous that sounds? But sometimes I just carry my bottle around and that's got the perfect tepid water from the night before. So I'm never without. What ratios we talk in when you get the empty glass and you've got the hot water and the cold

water? What percentage of it do you fill with cold water? Are you actually interested? Yes. We've never had someone say that they want tepid tap water before in the dream restaurant. This might be the only time we ever get to have this conversation. You know what? I'm so pleased I get to give you new and exciting content. I'm so excited. Two thirds cold and one third hot. And that gives you the perfect tepid. Yes. That's a recipe for you. You can have that. Thank you. Thanks for that. On the rare occasion I've tried to make like bread or like prove something or activate yeast. Quite often the recipe says you have to have cold water and then add a certain amount of hot water to bring it to the right temperature. Is that where this

comes from, this idea? I want to say it's as elaborate as that. But yeah, mostly no. I just like tepid water. I just hate icy water. I don't like ice lollies. Like my husband loves ice lollies. Every night he probably has about five or six. I just don't like cold things. I don't like super, super cold stuff. And that might be just a lifetime of tonsillitis that stopped me from drinking really cold water. Yeah. And that's the real answer. So I don't know how we got to tonsillitis, but here we are. Oh, water. Water, water, everywhere. Let's drink some water. That's the water dealt with. Oh, what about troubles of God. Don't go chasing water. Water falls. Water. And talking of overflowing, James, as water sometimes does, our national

treasure chest has been overflowing this year. So many treasures, man. Richard E. Grant, Jarvis Cocker, Richard Iowaddy, Mel Gedroik, Lenny Henry, Paul Hollywood, Rob Briden, and Richard E. Grant again in this clip. I mean, come on. That's pretty amazing, isn't it? Pretty good stuff. We have got so many national treasures for you. So sit back and enjoy. Pop it up, sort of bread. Pop it up, sort of bread, Richard E. Grant. Pop it up, sort of bread. Bread. Yeah. Bread. Every, I suffer from misophonia. Ah, yeah. Which is identified 20 years ago officially. Sorry to make, sorry to immediately make the sound. Yeah. Yeah. So the sound of the poppadum being crunched near you is literally brings the red mist of rage over my,

and I wish I didn't suffer from this, but I do. So the sound of a poppadum is unacceptable. So is all of your menu going to be quite soft foods? You old age food you don't need teeth for. Sort of silence. No, but if I eat an apple, I will go and eat it in a corner on my own so that I don't have to infringe that noise on somebody else close by because I know what that does to me if somebody is doing it close to me. Oh, that's nice. So I've never met a sort of an empathetic misophon before. Oh, are you with me? No, no, no. But it's always about when anyone talks about it, it's always about what sounds like to them and how it makes them feel. I've never met anyone who's

gone and I also don't want anyone else to hear that. So you have to privately eat crunchy foods. Yeah, yeah. No, I'll go and sit in the front row of the cinema on my own with a box of popcorn because I know the sound of that is, it's only, I will be hearing how awful that sound is because if I'm near anybody else is doing it, I'm. So the sound of your self-eating make you feel weird? I get used to it because greed overtakes them. Greed overtakes the misophonia part of it. But yeah, I find that even crunching toast, I think, God, can't you just do it? This is the one time I've wished that I could be deaf so that I couldn't hear the sound of it. I've been one of your own film premiers and yours has sat at the front on your own and everyone else is at the back and

you're eating popcorn at your own film. No, you go, you go at the beginning to do the press stuff because you're required to do that in your contract and then you don't stay and watch it. I've noticed that. Yeah. Sometimes I've gone to watch a film at a film premiere and I've been excited and everyone's there, they're like, oh, all the stars are here and they all leave out the fire escape and you're like, what the? Yeah. Shallowbay, where are you going? I know very few actors that like watching themselves in stuff. Yeah. The only analogy I have is that unless you're a voyeur, would you want to watch a replay of yourself having sex? Because it's the actor doing it that is pleasurable. Yes. It's making the movie or whatever you're

doing, but having to re-watch it afterwards, you go, oh my God, is that what it looks like? Is that what it is? Oh, no. So it's gruesome. Looks like it's just had a beef burger in you. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I can't watch this. Exactly. Exactly right. So is an actor who enjoys watching their own stuff a red flag? No, because that's passing judgment on somebody. I don't know, because some people, I'm sure there'll be critics out there who'll say, well, that's your problem. You should have been watching yourself to improve. I don't know. No, it's the actor doing it. That's, you know, that's... I think comics have a similar thing, right? Yeah. I can, if I'm literally putting out a comedy special, I can watch it during the edit, watch the final version once,

and then I'm never watching it again. Yeah. Like, and that's the most I'll ever watch myself, is when I'm literally putting the thing out and releasing it and having to make sure it's good. What does that make you feel when you watch it? That's relief, because that's like, okay, I've got it. I've got it edited the way I want it. It's fine. But if I watched it one more time after that, when it's finished, I would just be like, shut up, you boring wanker. Get the machete out. Be the worst. Yeah, get the machete through the TV. That's it. Whereas you love watching yourself over there. I love watching myself, do you? When I watch James, I think, shut up, you boring wanker. Yeah, yeah. Often that's the bit we have to edit out.

So you're the yin and yang of your relationship. No, I can't. I can't bear it either. But you can't. It's easier when you're watching it for an edit or something, because you're in another brain. It's almost like you're not watching yourself, watching it for the edit. But I would never, certainly for pleasure, never watch anything I'm involved in. And a lot of people would agree. Paul Bonito here has to edit this. And at some point in the future, he's going to be sitting there editing a conversation about editing. And that is going to be quite the day for him. So you're just sitting here waiting, getting the scissors in between the bits, where there's big, gappy pauses and thinking, get the fucker move on.

I mean, I have to say, actually, one thing that I meant to say at the beginning of this conversation is that like, I don't think that like music and food go together at all. Really? Yeah. In what way? I don't know. They just seem to be the different things somehow. Like eating food while listening to music. Terrible. He hates it. And just, I remember, you know, there was a festival on Blackheath. I think it was, it was rumored that it was partly funded by John Lewis. It's called on Blackheath. It was, it started like about 10 years ago or something. And I was DJing there. And then I was walking around the site and they did have like weird, they'd led like a, they were like little mini stages,

but then there was a guy coming on cooking. You know, it's really, really weird to watch somebody doing that. And then, and then there was one festival that we played in Switzerland, it was. And in the backstage area, they had like, you know, that raclette stuff that they have like, it's like melted cheese. Yeah, they like scraped the melted cheese off. Yeah. And then you'd like dip it's bread in. Yeah. So they had one of those backstage. And it was on all the times, all the time we were playing, all I could smell was like really strong melted cheese the whole way through. Yeah. Which was like, it was killing me because I was going, oh, it smells nice. So then it's putting you off. You know, it's like, I don't know. And then the real bad thing

was we finished the concert and I went back and they turned the fucker off. So I didn't even get any of it. I just got tortured by it. Like, and then it was like, you know, some bands have a dry ice machine. Some bands have like a cheese fog machine. And that wasn't really the vibe I was looking for. Yeah, I don't think it goes together that well. I don't know what you want. No, I see from like, from a gig ago as perspective, I never enjoyed gig as much as I've eaten a big meal beforehand. So I don't feel like I can throw myself into it. And you wouldn't stand there eating a sandwich or something whilst watching? Or would you? I don't know. I wouldn't, because I think of it. So from a comedian's perspective, whenever I've done a gig where

like weekend comedy clubs and they give people food to eat as well, like they're getting, you know, burger and chips and pints and watching the comedy, it's very distracting. And it really feels like you're bottom of the pecking order when someone's tucking in to chicken in a basket while you're trying to tell jokes. We did a gig together once and during my set, an audience member shouted out, where's my fucking chips? And it was very, very depressing for me. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed watching it happen. I remember it. I remember it so distinctly. It was in Leicester and it was in a cinema. They had a room where they did gigs in this showcase cinema and a woman shouted out,

James, where's my fucking chips? And James immediately said, with no gap whatsoever, I'm never doing this gig again. It was in Coventry. I don't remember it that distinctly. Showcase. Yeah. Well, I'd imagine it's more dangerous for you because if you tell a joke and then people laugh, then it's all over the place. There you go. All over the place. Yeah, forget it. Alex James says, forgive me, I don't know what the relationships are between various people in Britpop. But Alex James is a festival, doesn't he, that's food and music. Is that correct? Arrest my cake. That was it with the cheese machine trying to put you off. Maybe it was, yeah. Yeah, he makes his own cheese.

Let's start your proper meal with your dream starter. Yes, I struggle with starters. I will often avoid one. Now, this is controversial. I love it when this happens. Now, yes, I, this sounds very showbiz, but we once had a meal together with Nish with NK. And I think he ordered all starters. I did order all starters. That's my memory. I'm so proud of you, man. Yeah, thank you, Ed. I obviously didn't tell it because it was given the satisfaction to start a boy who loves it. Yeah. But we're at R2Z, which is a very nice Italian place. And all of the small plates just sounded delicious. So I was like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do three or four of them. That's a big move. It's very growing up. Thank you. Thank you, Ed. It was terribly

sophisticated. Yeah. Whereas I struggle with starters. Originally, just through tightness, I just go, well, why are we, you know, when I say we, are you always referred to me as we? Why are we having a starter when we can just fill up on a stodgy main? That's no point. Sure. So I wonder whether I might have popcorn for my starter. Great. It's light. It's very hard to be unhappy eating popcorn. I've tried, but it's just too silly an action to be truly sad. So you don't want to be full. And I think popcorn on the edge of the diving board has a horse across the way. I'm feeling safe. Yeah. And I think a little sweet answer. I have a mixture of sweet and salty.

Yes. How do you ask for them to be put into the bucket in one, then one, then one, then one? Thank you. A bit like sedimentary rock. Yes. I want layers. But I think I want the final, the top layer to be salt. Okay. Yeah. And the bottom layer to be sweet, because that's pudding. It's almost like a whole meal in itself. Yeah. Do you have that sort of chemical memory where if you eat popcorn outside of the cinema, it still puts you in the mode of being in the cinema? I eat so much popcorn that I more associate other things with eating popcorn. Do you really? I eat a lot of popcorn. There's very good popcorn outlets near where we live. It's, you know, in the drum outside, big bag. I'm down to a bag a week, a big bag. Like,

there were times when it was a couple of bags a week. Wow. Yeah. And that's 10 pounds a week on popcorn. And that's that's too much. That's insane though. Please, they deserve every penny they make. That popcorn is first class. It's first class popcorn. Yeah. This is exciting. They're understanding that popcorn, if anything, I would, I do it by direct debit if they offered it. Have you always loved popcorn? This is great. Everyone knows that you love film. I do. I do love popcorn. Apart from, actually, apart from in a cinema. Oh, really? Yeah. You can't. Sure. I, because my favorite cinema is the BFI. Well, I still think of it as the NFT, despite the fungible tokens or whatever. And I have heard someone be reproached for opening

a sparkling water in there. Wow. And there was a shh. And there's such ferocity in the show. Which is too similar a noise to what's just happened. Exactly. It just sounds like I'm going to open my water now. Just having a dirty impression of the water. Yeah, exactly. So, in a way, I find someone eating popcorn in a cinema, I find that quite stressful. And so, if I see that people are eating popcorn in a cinema, I sometimes will have to get popcorn so that I can be in charge of the sounds. Maybe I've got to start with the BFI to watch films, because I absolutely fucking hate the cinema now. Well, everyone's doing what they want. It's noisy. People are on their fucking phones. Zoom calls. But when are you going and where are you

going? Yeah, where are you going? I just go anywhere. Like, they're just wherever the nearest one is. I'll pop along. And they're all there on their phones, lighting their faces up. Midweek afternoon. I went once to a screening of Parasite before it had come out proper. Yes. There's a Q&A afterwards with a director. Yes. Next to me was a lady who was on her phone for most of it. Stop it. And then, when there was a Q&A, talking about class and stuff like that, she was, like, agreeing really vocally with him, as if, like... She'd watched it. As if she'd watched the film. She'd been there in a big fur coat. Very posh lady. Was she reviewing it potentially? No way. She was... Oh, because I looked over at one point. She was, what's

happening, mate? Ugh. I'm chatting. That is outrageous behaviour. What do you think of the new trendy popcorns? Joseph's? No. No. No. I don't want toffee on a popcorn. It makes it wet. And I don't like the... Yeah, I can't even... No cheese popcorn? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What about when it's just, like, a fun colour? When they make it, like, fluorescent? No, I can't coat with anything other than straight-up popcorn. I don't like any fun colours. Yes, it feels... I just don't... I'm not that keen on decorative food. I find it quite stressful. I just feel the effort. And I feel, you know, it's... Enforced fun is not as good as you found in the Crystal Maze. Yes. Do you pop your own corn? I hope that's not a euphemism. I have in microwave

popcorn in the early... Well, probably. I'm creeping to senescence. But I remember microwave popcorn coming out and that being a terrifically exciting prospect that you could put it. A lot of fires, often blackened popcorn, would result from overcooking it. Yeah. And in a way, that was more... It was more exciting just to set the popcorn on fire and then dispose of it. That was almost the best interaction you could have. But it was never quite good. The heat was pleasant, but there would be some ones that would be molten hot and kernels. The kernels, yeah. And I'd always find it depressing that some of the kernels didn't pop. You felt like you'd failed. And then your crunch channel were too hard and it's off to Danny Glover in the morning. Yeah. And then you

spiralled down before you know it. Yeah, the Crystal Maze and you're having a panic attack. Also, the pops... So some... It's like done in the microwave. Yes. And the instructions are, when it gets down to this many seconds between pops, then let it out from their count in the seconds between the pops. And I think, I don't know if any food's worth this kind of life. Yes. It's a lot like giving birth, isn't it? You've got to just count those contractions. And I think mothers listening to this will appreciate the comparison. Yeah, sometimes. It's almost our stress for waiting for those final seconds. You don't want to leave it to... Yeah, you don't want to char them, but you don't want to bag full of unpopped corn. Before we move on to the main,

and I know you're going to say you don't like this, but chocolate cover popcorn? Oh, no. Why? I just know. You'd have a bar. My mum had a chocolate shop. What the hell? Yes, that's right. Yeah. Lucky she wasn't my mum because... Yeah, had a chocolate shop in Woodbridge. They chocolate our belg. Wow. That's what it was called. I love that. Yes. Went to Belgium to get chocolate. It was quite a fancy chocolate shop. It sounds it. And I spent every day after school in the chocolate shop, hence my love of air conditioning, because it had to be kept cool, because the chocolates didn't have preservatives. Yeah. And a packed up box of the chocolates to the extent that I would rebel by buying Cadbury's, which my mum would find unbelievable.

Yeah. Why would you buy Cadbury's Mini Egg? When? You know, you've got... You've got the chocolate bells, yeah. Often it was too rich. Sure. But that's a great... Yeah, you can't knock them back, can you? No, you can't slam a load of violet creams without having to pay the consequences. What a way to rebel. Yeah. Bought some Mini Eggs, Mum, I've luck. Yeah, just had a Curly Whirly, which I didn't know about. Quality Belgian chocolate. That's exciting. Yeah, that is really exciting. I mean, was there like a star of the show at the Belgian chocolate shop? Pralines were the workhorse, I'd say, of the entire shop, Chocolate Praline. Yeah. Easter is a big... That's a big time in the chocolate trade. That's really... That's Christmas.

Easter's Christmas. Christmas is... Christmas is Easter. It's kind of like Easter. Christmas is still Christmas, but Easter's like Christmas Plus. So, yes, Easter was a very tense time. And every year, my mum would always say, I think I've bought too many chocolates. She always had a plan just when I bought far too many chocolates. And at the end she'd go, I should have bought more chocolates. I always found it quite a disturbing pattern. Would she go over and get them herself and bring them back? It was more sort of sourcing, tasting, seeing the developments, what was new on the chocolate scene. Well, she said... Did she ever go to Belgium with us? I didn't, no, I was too young. I'm still too young to go to Belgium. I think you really need to be

mature to get to Belgium. You do, one day. Yeah. Did your friends get excited that you hadn't chocolate shop? It's just, you know, it's not children's chocolate, Belgian chocolate. It's just quite... It just feels sort of fussy. It was quite old-fashioned. It was sort of, I'd say, the mean age of customer was 60. It was a lot of sort of treats at the end of the week, that kind of thing. And expensive, right? It's quite expensive. When you're a kid, yes. When you're a kid, you don't want to... Like, even... I wasn't even going into like Thornton's. No. You just want to borrow something. Even to go into Thornton's. It looks like a gift shop. Yeah. It looks like adult business in there. Oh, this is pre... I've got so many... It's pre-Brexit. It's almost like a charcuterie

of chocolates. Yes. I've got so many questions. It's pre-Brexit. I'm so excited, because if one of my friends at school had a chocolate shop, man, I'd have been there all the time. Well, some of your dad. Some of my dad might not have been like... Of course he would. Of course he would. No. It wasn't... I never really saw children come in. And what was this like pre-salt in chocolate and stuff? Oh, yes. This wasn't all of that kind of business. And I have to say that the chocolates... Well, I don't have to say... I'm choosing to say... Let's have some autonomy. I'm choosing to say that the chocolates were excellent. Yeah. So much so that I can't really eat any chocolate now without having a slight, snobby reaction. I'm just going, it's fine. It's the

closest I'll get to be a sommelier. I can. I do have quite a refined chocolate palette. I'm jealous, man. Yeah. This is great. Excellent milk chocolate. Very hard to do milk chocolate without it having a sort of chemically aftertaste. It's got to be fresh. You kind of have preservatives. Unless you're buying chocolate from a refrigerated outlet, forget it. Forget it. Okay. It's like UHD milk. Yeah. That's basically what you're dealing with. So let me say that. If people take anything away from today, I hope it's that. Let's have a sort of pyramid of Scotch eggs. Yeah. Like a Ferrero Rocher pyramid of Scotch eggs. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. And somebody comes in and says, what's the catch phrase? Oh, the ambassador's always delighted to see you.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's the catch phrase. What is it? Hang on. Oh, what is it? Well, the ambassador is always delighted to see you or something. That sounds wrong. Really lame catch phrase. What is it? Oh, the ambassador's reception is always something about the ambassador's reception. Go on. Was it voice over or was it actually somebody speaking? I think it was a voice over, wasn't it? The ambassador's receptions were always highly talked about. Something like that. And then someone would come in and say, the ambassador is always pleased to see you. It wasn't that, was it? No, it wasn't even close enough. It was. Do you know? The ambassador with this Ferrero Rocher is really spoiling us. Oh, oh, James.

Of course it is. That really annoys me. No, I think you're pretty close with the ambassador is always very happy to see you here. What is it again, James? The ambassador's reception is always highly talked about. What was it? The ambassador with this Ferrero Rocher, you're really spoiling us. That's exactly it. Our ambassador with these Scotch eggs, you are really spoiling us. There you go. It's the spoiling us, isn't it? That's the key. I've got three brothers and three sisters and it'd be Kay who's four years older than me, Sharon and Paul. And sugar and water, sugar sandwiches with butter. And then we'd wrap that in newspaper and put this into all fields around here. But we'd go off and have an adventure.

So yeah, still water, please. You must have been absolutely buzzing off here the head. Yeah, we're off our heads. Do you remember playing? I'm playing. Do you remember that? What was that? It went on for hours and nothing really happened. I'm playing. We're playing. What were the games? If you look at books and you read American rights of passage books, when they go out and play, it's always quite structured. They're always playing baseball or something. We did kick the can and hide and seek and we climbed trees and we ran around because of all the sugar. We used to run to our mates house. It's Tom playing, yes. And then you'd just run to somebody else. It wasn't actually playing. Unless there was a ball

or a cricket bat or something. I love the sugar water thing. Sugar water, sugar sandwiches. Sugar sandwiches were dope. Have you ever had one? No, I don't know why I've not had one. The butter and the sugar is a thing. Yeah, yeah. It's to go sort of like a nice paste, like a fondant sort of. Yeah, it's delicious. It's kind of a mmm, okay. It's delicious. Sugar butter, white bread. White bread was a thing. We had a lot of white bread. Yeah. Wanted the bread. Which is sugar, basically. But you don't need, we don't really, it's sour dough now. We don't do that anymore. But white bread was a thing and grew up with that. Salad bread, tap water, lots of sugar and everything. Yeah. We're all diabetic and nobody

cares. Nobody cares. I'm diabetic. We're a type two. Nobody cares. Get over yourself. Have a pie. It's type one. So he's looking down and immediately. I'm the best one. What adventures would you go on? Well, we'd go, when you had a bike, did you do this? We had six bikes with your mates and you just go somewhere. And you didn't know where you were going. You'd try to not be on the main road because you might get killed. But you'd go off the main road and go to a canal or there'd be a hill or something. So we'd go all around Dudley. The Tipton to Netherton canal was a good place to go because it was just shopping trolleys in the water and puppies trying to swim after they've been chopped in and rescuing nearly dead puppies

from the canal, eating sugar sandwiches and talking a lot and trying not to get pushed in the water by your friends. That was a big thing. Your mates pushing you in the water because that was funny. So there was a lot of that going on. And then as you got older, the adventures were one of you could drive. And so they'd borrow a dad's car and you'd go for miles and just maybe go to a pub and drink underage or just go for lots of driving. And there was that exploratory because I never had a car. I never had any money. But my mom told me, and this is in the book, to integrate. You must integrate with the Dudley people then. Go out there, try not to box anybody don't, eat their food and get on with people otherwise you won't fit in. So the whole fitting

in thing meant having white friends because it wasn't really a thing in my house of friendship because we had the family, there's like seven of us so didn't really need friends. But going out and integrating meant meeting white people and hanging out with them and going to their houses. So when I met Greg and Mack and Tom, we were my best friends in the world who were brilliant, a bit older than me, went to grammar schools. Suddenly I had a different perspective on life. I listened to different types of music. Mack introduced me to John Peel and Tip Tyranosaurus Rex and Emerson Lake and Palmer and Greg listened to Dylan and The Beatles and Simon and Garfunkel and stuff and some like Genesis and things like that. So I was listening to different music. I

was eating different things, ham, egg and chips, pie and chips, scotch, egg and everything with chips. And then I'd go home and have my dinner because I was always hungry. So I had this weird life of trying to integrate, trying to assimilate into British culture and it was an adventure. And so our adventures were different to earlier adventures. Our adventures were going to discos and driving everywhere and going to these pubs where people said, we don't get many darkies in here and we've got one now. Oliver Shandy, please. And Greg tells a story about us going on this big adventure to this pub, scotch, egg, crisps, pickle onions, scratching, scratchings. And Greg said, we went in and I went to the jukebox and quite a lot of

people walked out of the pub because I was the only black guy in the pub. And when I turned around from the jukebox and I'd probably put Slade on all the roubettes or something, the pub was empty. So we added it to ourselves. And he said, that happened a lot. And so I had to deal with that. Once I was on the telly, it was different. Everybody wanted to be near the kid who was on the telly. But when I was just this black kid in ill-fitting flares in a tank top, there was a real thing in the Midlands of, you know, what's he doing, any kind of thing. But we overcame that. And because these guys were, honestly, they were brilliant. They drove me everywhere. They lent me money. They were kind. I suddenly had this bigger idea of who I was and what I was going to do.

And I don't know if you had mates. They definitely said I was funny. They're different. You're funny. You are. You should do something with that. And made me think like, oh, okay, I could be on stage. I could do that. They made me go on stage. Did you have friends like that? No, I was too much of a show-off in my friendship group that they were like, well, he's going to do that anyway. That's not encouraging. I think they tried to get me to play it down if anything. Really? Because you calm down. Were you doing impressions among some of the stuff like that where they like you should do that? Yeah, they were great impressions too. I'm not saying I was any good, but I did impressions of anything I saw on the telly. Anything I heard on the radio.

So there was a lot of somebody called Adrian just used to play the goons a lot. So I was always doing, whoa, I was doing that voice. I was doing anything Dave Allen did. I loved the idea of just sitting there and telling stories was quite focused. And I quite like that. And Dave Allen was kind of cool. He had that kind of black sea white shirt, black tie things, cigarette, glass of whiskey, telling stories and being kind of, I don't care if you laugh or not kind of thing. And I thought, that's interesting. And then Benny Hill, everybody loved Benny Hill at my school, Pythons. Pythons were weird because in my family, we laughed at the cartoons. We liked Terry Gilliam stuff. And we're kind of like global hide and seek and the Spanish Inquisition. But I remember my

mom, it was quite rude, but laughing at the Terry Gilliam cartoons. And so I kind of had a really good sense of what visual humor was. And so I noticed when Terry Gilliam did the credits for the Marty Feldman show, I thought, oh, that's Terry Gilliam. I knew who Terry Gilliam was. And I kind of started to recognize writing who'd written things. So this was stuff I hadn't been taught or anything. I hadn't been to college to learn this. I just knew that that might be a John Junkin joke or a Barry Crier joke or something, which is why you watched Kenny Everett. And I started to be interested in who'd written it, not just Kenny, because I thought, oh, Kenny's just mad and funny anyway. But oh, yeah, Barry Crier and Ray, who's that? And who are these people?

So, you know, I definitely wasn't thinking what my mates were thinking. Plus, I was writing jokes down. Okay, if you did that, but I was writing things down. And that was your own stuff or from the things that you were seeing. I was writing down things I was seeing. I was writing comments about them. I was writing how that might work. If I did it, it was a weird early attempt at the craft, I think, thinking about thinking about why some jokes work. And so I kind of had to think where I was thinking all the time about types of humor. And I didn't write never wrote never, you know, when I was in a writing room, eating sandwiches, and and people were saying, you should do this, Len. I had lots of energy, but I didn't actually write things down. I'd kind of

have energy in the room, which is writing, by the way. But it wasn't seen as writing. I started to get a credit near the end of Through the Kind and the Lenny Henry show. I started to get a writing credit then because people realized that I was writing. But it was tricky. So writing the books has been a release, a huge release of just me and my pants with jammy dodgers and full sugar Coke, just writing on my own and listening to very loud music, run the jewels and very and like cake and a computer is everything. Great. That's why I got COVID from run the jewels kick. Did you? Really? I definitely got COVID at that run the jewels. Yeah. I tested positive enough days after that. That's the incubation period. I'm pretty sure. Was it big?

Was it a big gig? Was it a lot? In the in the Britson Academy. They're kind of mad from the jewels. I don't quite understand it, but they are. They are very good. I think they're kind of sense of percussion in terms of the words and what they're talking about, particularly on the last album, which is all about gun crime and stuff. Brilliant. Really brilliant. And Killer Mike's when Killer Mike got up to make that speech to after George Floyd died, I was reduced me to tears, mainly because I thought, A, I wouldn't like it if Killer Mike stood on my foot. Have you seen how big he is? But also because people in his family are connected to law enforcement. And he just talked about the idea that not all law enforcement is evil, that we've got to find some

way to work together. They should not have had, you know, it was so moving. And I just thought, God, you're all great. And you write funny and wooty and very potent lyrics too. They are so fun. Like I was at that gig as well. And they are. Did you get COVID? No, I was in the seating area. No, no, no, no, I was, I was a VIP upstairs. And normally I stand at gigs, but that's the first, that's the first time I've sat down and thought, actually, this is way better. How can you dance though, if you're stuck in that? It wasn't just Wiggler and Wiggler and Wiggler in your seat. You're a seat Wiggler. Me too. I like seat Wigglin. I can't be, well, I saw Chris Rock and I sat quite near the front and I was a bit, people snogging and eating sandwiches

around here. I would much rather be in VIP standing there and looking over people's heads and go, this is rather funny. He's talking about Tottenham. How does he know about Tottenham? You're going to, you're going to go to Iceland? I don't think so. Because I was, I went there during city bakes. I did a series called City Bakes where I traveled all over the place. Went to Iceland and we made this bread, which we buried in the volcanic sort of heated waters and we left that for 24 hours. Then the guys taught me to their pub to try shark and it was that fermented shark. And I was like, what? He said, you've got to try it to delicacy. And I went, what? So everyone in the pub left the pub. He doesn't seem to understand.

Just keep saying, what? They all left the pub. And literally they're all outside looking through the glasses. I was at the bar with this barman and he gave me this container. He says, it's in the container. So it was like one of those Russian dolls. Eventually he got through to this little pot and I opened it up and I went, that doesn't smell right. It literally takes about a minute for it to hit your nostrils. I had a little bit and in my mouth, it's a bit like a crab stick. But then within 10 seconds, the ammonia burns your nose and the smell. Oh, jeez. Literally it took the pub about three days to clear it. So why is it worth it for the prank? Why have they got it then? They don't waste food. I mean, in Iceland, I had marangs made with

sheep's blood. They don't waste the blood. And if you emulsify blood with sugar, it actually emulsifies and you can make marangs with it. So they made these grey marangs and he said, try its marang. It didn't tell me what was in it. So I tried it and I went, that's really unusual. It tastes good though. So it's made with blood. I went, what? Really? And then I was like, what guys turned up? He's saying it again. I gave him a blood marang. Guess what he said? What would you do if someone turned up on Bake Off and made sheep's blood marang? It tastes great. I mean, it wouldn't be on vegan week. It did taste like, but they don't waste anything. If you're going to get an animal,

they don't waste anything, the eyeballs, the whole thing, the tripe. I mean, they eat everything and you think fair play. They're not going to waste anything. Okay, that was the survival thing in Iceland. That's what they mean, probably not marangs. And we got nothing to eat. Let's make a meringue. Are we only cream? You brought up a meringue and cream and I thought about asking you about baked Alaska gate, but, but, you know, that was, I'm sure you've moved on from that. We are superkins about it when she was on the pod. She talked about it for a bit. It was bad there. I know you're all probably still. We're obsessed with the baked Alaska gate.

Yeah, we are obsessed with whether you threw the baked Alaska in the bin. Well, he did throw it away and the problem is we, we were upset that he threw it away. Sue came running over to me. I was in the green room. Ian, he said, he's just throwing his baked Alaska in the bin. I went, what? So I came back. I came back and I went, we've been doing it. He said, oh, that was a mess. Basically, his ice cream was never going to set. And I think it was Diane. It was, Diane, I don't know the fridge or move something out the fridge, but it's a literary out for a minute. So his recipe was essentially wrong anyway. But the fact is he threw everything away.

We had nothing to judge. And what does that tell, you know, for the kids watching it, what it means is if you throw a hissy fit and chuck everything in the bin, you're still going to do all right. That's not what we were trying to say. Sue, hence him leaving. Yeah. I mean, because you are like, even if it showed up like a complete soup, like James, James's did, you will still taste it and go, I see what you're going for. And that is the flavour you're going for. Even if it was just a meringue and all the ice cream had gone, at least we're eating something. But to do nothing and just have a fit and throw in a bin is probably not the best thing I felt for. I think he regrets that to me. Yeah, I'm sure.

What though? His sister now has a baked Alaska business. I have three. I mean, look at my, no, yes, three oyster related stories. Each of them, each of them involving a famous person for a food podcast. I mean, this is heaven. It is. It is falling into our laps here. This is so good. Okay. So Tom Jones, James Corden, Dale Winton, you choose the order. Who are we starting with? I personally would like to go, I'm asking you for your starter. I think you will choose the same. Same time. Right. Okay. So it's going from first to last. Ready? One, two, three, Corden, Jones, Winton. You work together. Good Lord. So James. Okay. The second time I went back to do a second

series of this show in Australia and Sydney. And it was the same time that James was touring the world with the history boys, the national theater. And the same time that he and Ruth were getting Gavin and Stacy together. And they'd given me the script and asked me to play Uncle Bryn. And I was reticent because I thought he's quite similar to Keith Barrett in that he's a naive, well-meaning Welshman. And I still harboured ambitions to be Robert De Niro at that stage. And I thought, well, I can't just keep on doing this thing. Hey, turns out you can. So I was undecided. So we meet up one day, he and I at the beach at Manly and with Chatty Chat Chat. And I thought, but the oyster thing was I took him out for lunch. There's a lovely restaurant in

Rose Bay called Catalina. And from there, you see the seaplanes landing, taking off. It's so gorgeous. And I take him there. And I'm really on my oyster kick by now. I'm Mr. Oyster. And I say to James, so we've got to have oysters. You know, because James, while now is who he is, he was this very provincial kid from High Wickham, you know, you know, like that, you know, I said, you want some oysters? Oh, I'm never as an oyster. And I said, well, I'll be good. Oh, I don't know, Bobby, he calls me Bobby. I'm not sure. I said, come on, we have some oysters. So he would, he would only have it. You know, you can get those deep fried oysters. So he would settle for that. Okay, it's something. Oh, no, no, no, no, he tried. He tried a normal one. So he has it right. It's all there

ready to go. Put some vinaigrette on it, right? And he sits there, right? The man who would conquer the world. But this is before that. And he sits there. And he looks nervous. And he goes, and he tips it up, put it into his mouth, but he keeps it in his mouth, right? And then you look at his face. And of course, he's a wonderful actor. But this was all real. But he's showing you everything. So he sat and he looks terrified, right? Terrified. And he's like this. But then he starts to get a sense of the flavours. Oh, it's quite nice. So then he goes, and his face is changing. And he starts to sort of chew a little. And he's about to swallow when the weather changes in his mind. Oh, no, he doesn't like this. And the fear comes back. And he goes, and he spits it out into

a napkin. Oh, no. At that point, did you look at that and think this guy's going to conquer the world? I thought, I thought, I thought this provincial bozo is going nowhere. This small town Sam, he ain't going to amount to nothing. So Tom Jones, some Jones, please. When we did Islands in the Stream, number one, thank you very much for Comic Relief. Yes, it's a novelty record, but I don't like to think of it that way. We went for a dinner. Me, Claire, James, Ruth, Tom, Son, who's his manager. Gordon's in this one as well. He makes a cameo in this one. Yeah, he was there. Yeah. So we go for dinner at the sort of chef's table at Corrigan's Restaurant, which is in Mayfair. And if you ever spend time around Tom Jones, he is the ultimate alpha male.

And they order what you want to study. I love oysters. Right. And we think, well, how many? Well, I would never have more than six oysters. I love a dozen. Good God, a dozen oysters. I mean, good. That's a lot of oysters. They're so potent. And I'll never forget, you know, you know, you get the section of lemon in muslin, muslin. So he gets it. And it was just the way he squeezed the lemon over the 12 oysters was one of the most manly things. You know, what's that flight to the Concorde's line? I'm so proven to all the women in the front row got pregnant. I mean, it's like that. I wouldn't I would have recommended pregnancy tests for those because it was so as he did it, I was watching him and I kind of went,

it was just, you know, because he's from he's from another year. I mean, he's super successful now in this year. But do you know what I mean? It comes from another time, doesn't it? You know, I know it's amazing. So that's my that's my second. So when he like revealed the lemon after he'd squeezed it, it looked like he's been through a juice. Nothing left. Nothing left. That lemon was done. When Tom Jones is shucking the oysters, is he like doing some of his trademark, you know, noises in between the oysters? It's a lovely thought, isn't it? Would you like me to imagine what that would sound like? Yeah. Well, I'm going to, I'm going to eat the oyster, you know, with my mouth. Right. Tissed. It tastes good. As if good is an exotic word. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that

doesn't mean just eating, by the way. Shucking is the opening. Yeah. Shucking is like they were already shocked. They were shocked. Although he could chuck them himself with his bare hands. I imagine he'd open them with his teeth. Yeah. So that was, that was him. And then the Dale one, lovely Dale Winton, no longer with us. There was a New Year's Eve some years ago. And we had Dale, who I got to know a little bit. I ended up doing a few things with him. And David Williams came, because they were big friends, came for New Year's Eve dinner at the house. And the wonderful house, I think they brought presents for the boys and everything, all charming and everything. And we had oysters. And we prepare the oysters. And Dale went, oh, oh, no, I've never had an oyster.

He never had. We've all had oysters in this room. Yeah. He'd never had an oyster. You sort of assume that once somebody is enjoying the fruits of their labours, that they're going to broaden there, and they're going to, they'll have been in a situation where, you know, as I say, I didn't until I was 35, 36, 37. Anyway, never. And so I gave Dale his first oyster. And he liked it. I suppose he spent a lot of time in that supermarket. And I'm not sure they had oysters in there, did they? I've never made that. It's funny. I've never made that connection. Yeah, super nice. So there we are. Those are my three. And in many ways, they're in descending order of entertainment, aren't they, as we've discovered. Let's get onto your dream side dish. You've got

all this lovely seafood barbecue, seafood platter. What are you having on the side? Big tub of homemade mayonnaise, which I already mentioned. That's a side dish. The side is the big tub of mayonnaise. You don't need anything else. Big tub of mayonnaise. It's just stinking in the sun. I just love that there's something so luxurious and then just quite sort of carnal as well, of like getting a big bit of lobster and taking a whole lobster out of the shell and then dunking it into that big bowl of lemon mayonnaise, just dunking it in. Maldon salt sprinkled on top of it. And then stuffed it. I've got a bag of it in my pocket, which I keep with me at all times. Oh, what was the mayonnaise? What was the lemon mayonnaise that you had to pack off?

No, because just for the listener, that bag, what's that made of the material? Oh, it's a Calico bag with a Union Jack on it. It has a Union Jack on it that's full of salt that you always carry around in your pocket. Everywhere, because any restaurant, anybody's house that I've ever been into, they say, oh, no, no, it's all sorted in advance again. Now, believe me, it never has enough for me. When you were chapter Barbra Streisand was the bag of salt in your pocket? It was, yeah. That's great. It was because we'd just been at the Governor's Ball dinner. And so, yes, it was there. All night long. Oh, man, I love that. There's some place, if you walk in and say you've got a bag of salt in your pocket,

they're going to really misinterpret what you mean by that. Yeah, I've been through the airport, you know, hand luggage, and you have to explain what these white crystals are in there. But I should have shares in Maldon salt, honestly. Maldon's gold standard stuff. Gold standard. We've both really got into Hall and Mon as well, which is a fantastic Welsh salt. Oh, I don't know about that, Richard. Yeah, it's very, very good. I don't know how dedicated you are to the Maldon brand, but how completely, yeah. I should have shares in it, the amount of money I've spent on it. What's the one, the Welsh one is called what? Hall and Mon.

Hall and Mon. Can you say that with the Welsh accent? No. No, I need a coach. Let me get on the floor and I can do it for you. We love to hear from the National Treasures, James, but the other people we like to hear from are the crazy characters that we introduce people to. Here are some crazy characters. We've got Grandma Crunch, the Robin Hood crew, and everyone's favourite waitress. You want that jumbo? Here's Flob and Joan, Tam and Edgerton and Claudia Jesse. Not really a cereal boy. I find, because I'm type one diabetic, they can be too sugary sometimes, but you don't know this about me. I've found a new type of cereal that's for health people,

I don't know this, which is like a protein cereal, but very low in sugar, and it's called Grandma Crunch. I think that's the bleakest thing I've ever heard. How long have you resisted telling me that, because you wanted to save it for the podcast? Because I've been eating it for a couple of months now, and every time I eat it, I think I can't wait to tell James about Grandma Crunch. I imagine the front of that box is, it looks like Tony the Tiger, but it's a Grandma. She's absolutely handsome. Is there a Grandma on the front? Yeah, there's a Grandma Crunch. Grandma's are famously hurtling towards death.

Why would you want to brand your cereal as something that you will die soon? Grandma Crunch? No Grandma wants to hear a Crunch. Maybe that's the tagline of no Grandma wants to hear a Crunch, except for in her cereal. The only Crunch a Grandma needs to hear. What kind of cereal is Grandma Crunch? Well, there's a range of flavours. I've only tried the peanut butter brownie one, but I mean, it tastes of nothing. It doesn't really taste of peanut butter. Oh, brownies? Yeah, and they sort of, because they're like, it's like six grams of sugar per bowl or something, so you bite in and it's like weird.

And they're like flakes? No, they're balls. Oh, little balls. I was not expecting that. Were you expecting the flakes? Yeah, because I associate flakes with old people, so like. Of course, yeah. Yeah. Balls feels like quite a young cereal. Yeah, I feel like golden nuggets and stuff like that. Well, Grandma Crunch is a jazzy lady, you know? She's young at heart. Yeah, exactly. Is your glasses Grandma Crunch? What does she look like? From memory, yeah, I think she's got a glass. I've not spent a huge amount of time looking at

Grandma Crunch. Well, she's got like a little pirate hat and like a pirate sword, just because there's something about the word crunch that makes me think that they're like. I guess maybe she's Captain Crunch's grandma or Captain Crunch's wife, but was, you know, wife when Captain Crunch was big and now she's Grandma. I mean, he would have called her Grandma Crunch. She might be branding it herself. He might not be involved. So her main thing about herself is that she's, she may not identify as a Grandma. Yeah. At the time, though, when Captain Crunch was big, she would identify as Mrs. Crunch.

Mrs. Crunch. Yeah, Mrs. Crunch. Crunch's wife, but now she's in her old age. She's Grandma Crunch. Grandma Crunch now. And he'll be Grandpa Crunch. Captain Crunch is Grandpa Crunch. Yeah. I don't think if you're a Captain, though, you never lose that title, right? So I think you probably keep that. You always keep that. You always lord in that. I think he's more likely to call himself Captain Grandpa. Captain Grandpa. I would eat cereal called Captain Grandpa. That would make me feel like I was ready for the day. Yeah. What kind of cereal would Captain Grandpa be? Just the dust?

Just. Hopefully, yeah, just us. If I had it my way. I always wonder actually, when I listen to this show, what the, who the other guests are, you know? Well, this is up to you. Look, this is your dream meal. If you, if you want to be eating alone, fine. If you want other guests in there, fine. Well, I sort of always imagine that it's kind of like the background cast of the movie, Disney's Robin Hood, you know, sort of animals dressed up in kind of, you know, medieval costumes, having larks. But the background cast, you don't want the main players. Absolutely not. I don't want anyone to pull focus. Background cast of the animated Robin Hood, who are animals dressed.

Exactly. And they're all doing slightly the same thing over and over again, you know? The same sort of action on repeat in the hope that you won't notice it. Such an actor that you have extras in your restaurant, so no one pulls focus. No other stars in here, please. Yeah, yeah. No foxes. If I have stars, I know a few stars that you wouldn't invite to dinner. Really? Yeah, yeah. Helena Bonacarta. Daniel Radcliffe. Gary Newman. Yeah. Gary Newman. Gary Newman was not in any of the Harry Potter franchise films. But they would all ruin it for you, wouldn't they? They'd turn up and tell you what happens

at the end of Order of the Phoenix. I suppose so. Yeah, yeah. So you can't miss it. You can't miss that. Yeah. What specific animals? Do you any specific background animals? It makes me think of, I think of a perhaps like an alligator blowing a long trumpet. Yeah, okay. Is that conjuring an image? And that's not going to pull focus? Yeah, that's going to come on. Oh, that's going to drown out the conjure of the popper at least. Are you pre-arranging with the alligator? I was going to get him to mine. I was going to get him to mine. But actually what I might do is get him to toot every time I crunch a popper. That's a great idea. Yeah, that's a really good

idea. That would work in so many situations. Well, if you had an alligator following your hands tooting. Whenever you farted, maybe. Whenever you farted or like in some Japanese toilets, you can play music that's supposed to cover up the sound of you going to the toilet if you're lying in line of cubicles. So instead, you could take the alligator to... What would you do? Would you give him a signal? Would you give him a wink? I think he'd know. He's got to be watching. He's got to have his eye on that. I think he's in the cubicle with you. Well, that's what he's being paid for. Are you paying him or is he? You must be paying him.

Not initially. Right. And we'll see how he does. So he has a sort of phase where he's... Well, what's his motivation for doing it in the first place? It's a good job, man. How's he earning a living? Well, it's not good job. He's not getting bloody paid, is it? He does a good job. If I prove my worth, I'm going to get paid for this. Yeah. Alligators are living creatures, too, as well. Yeah. All right, fine. Yeah. All right, I'll give him a quid or something. Do you want a quid for every Trump? Yeah, exactly. Well, that's a lot of money, actually. Yeah. Yeah.

If you've ever been around, Ed. Most of the edited beneath has to do with getting a bit of flat silence. Every time he cuts to the little music in between the sections. That's a fart. Yeah. There's no editing there. That's just... We're still sat here and I've just done a really long fart. Also, Ed's farts are extra loud, because every time he does them, he goes, oh! Oh, that as well. He goes, oh! Yeah, because they're second by surprise. I'm always scared by them. Yeah. And he gets really surprised by them, don't you? Surprised and slightly excited by the hits. Yeah.

Every time it's a new sensation. Yeah. So, actually, I'd have to pay the alligator quite a lot of money, I think, because it'd be a lot of work. Yeah. If I had a quid every time, I'd gamble farted. Yeah. I'd be an alligator with a trumpet. There's also a place called Veggie Corner in Coventry is number four. Oh, gosh. In Coventry, is that? So, the fourth one on the list is a Veggie place. I'm in Coventry on Saturday watching QPR play Coventry. Well, you might want to go to Veggie Corner and get the best veggie battered sausage

that you could get. And it's number four on a list of over 4,000, nearly 5,000. Oh, my goodness. Benita, have you looked it up? Veggie Corner? Does it look legit? Not only do Veggie Corner do a battered sausage, they also do a vegan jumbo battered sausage as well. Oh, that's going to be the fucking one, isn't it? That's going to be the bloody one. Do you know what? The word jumbo isn't used enough. We don't hear it used very much. Jumbo jet, jumbo sausage are the only two I can really think of. Yeah. What else do you think? Could you use it for like jumbo jumper? Yeah, I would love to wear a jumbo jumper. I'd love to have a jumbo bed instead of a king-size bed.

Jumbo bed. That's good. Yeah, I think all of that would be great. I guess, do they have like Jumbotron? Oh, yeah. The big screens at sports games is called the Jumbotron. I feel like it would be something like a chain restaurant would do as well. You know, it was very big to supersize in America on McDonald's. Maybe there'd be like another burger joint that'd be like, you want that jumbo? Do you want that jumbo? See my accent? Do you always love that? There we go. You want that jumbo. You've got that part of slightly nervous waitress absolutely sewn up. Anything nervous? Do you want that jumbo?

That's me. You want that jumbo. I'm just terrified. Like, there's a table of mobsters all having a meal. You want that jumbo, sir? I like the gabba goal, please. You want that jumbo? That's amazing. She's great. She is great. Could you be nervous if the mobsters were there? If they're known for just slipping out and killing anyone for whatever reason? Absolutely. They might be offended by, do you want that jumbo? And she's worked there for years. Or it could be her first day.

It could be her first day. She's been told that's the mob table. Don't offend them. You go over there, Sally. I want that jumbo. That's got me. Mumbo jumbo? Mumbo jumbo. Mumbo jumbo, yeah. I mean, you know, often used, I think by the wrong people in a rather, you know, dismissive fashion, I think they've taken the word jumbo and they've completely, you know, maybe that's why people don't use jumbo that much, because they've ruined it. Well, what does that mean? Does that suggest that if you're talking nonsense,

you're talking mumbo, but if you're talking loads of nonsense, you're talking mumbo jumbo? Yeah, mumbo jumbo. Yeah. She worked. Jumbo. She worked. Jumbo. You want that jumbo? He's good. Quite every time. I mean, there's a costume director listening to this. The nervous waitress who has to ask some mobsters if they want a jumbo.

It's a great character. Whoa, those characters were crazy. Crazy, but not controversial. No, because we like to think of ourselves as a gentle, amusing food chat podcast, James, but we're edgy as hell. Yeah. Hey, we can't help it. Every now and again, the tabs, the Lloyds will get on us and try and make stories out of our little innocent interviews about food. It's crazy. Look, we're edgy guys, but we're not as edgy as Jamali Maddox.

He had some hot takes when he came on the podcast. About food and drink. Let's hear him. Like, I just, I genuinely hate, I think it's the worst drink possible. That and red wine, the two worst drinks. We part ways here, Jamali. I would part ways a long time ago. That wasn't the breaking of our friendship, man.

No, but I, yeah, red wine as well, this, that. I find, I've had red wine that is mad expensive and big foot cheap, and they all taste the same. It all tastes like butter and vinegar. They all taste like butter and vinegar. Butter and vinegar. Yeah, butter and vinegar. No, no, butter, butter. Yeah, so butter and vinegar.

Oh yeah, I can't say why you thought I wasn't saying butter. But yeah, but it's all trash. Yeah. I hate all red wine, bro. That's breaking my heart. You like red wine? I love red wine. Yeah, I see that.

I like good, good, good red wine. I've not changed. Are you kidding me? To be fair, to be fair, I've seen you drinking Merlot for a long time still. Yeah, but I just thought I don't like red wine either. So I put that up there with my two worst. And I tried the whole red wine with the cheese and the red wine with the, with the meat and all trash.

How do you feel about this? I love a sparkling red wine. Wow. Do you know what, I don't, I don't hate that more. I don't know why, but I don't know why. That doesn't, I don't hate that. Did you hate that as much as sparkling water and red wine? Actually, I think it's weird that you put water in your wine.

No, no, no, no, but as in a sparkling, as a sparkling red wine. Oh, sparkling red wine. Oh, that's fine. I mean, at that point, I don't care what you do with your nasty shit. But I'm saying red wine's dead. I don't care what you do with it. Yeah, I had, I went abroad recently where the local drink was half red wine, half Coca-Cola.

Yeah, where'd you go to the mad house? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was meant to the side of the room. Calamacho. Calamacho. Where is this? It is in the Basque country, Bilbao, I had it in. Oh, OK, OK.

And it was delicious. It was good. I got really into them. Yeah. It's just, you're not convincing me, man. I just think about red wine. It's just that, and the taste never leaves your mouth. Yeah, yeah.

Because I can drink white wine. If you ask me, think of the taste of white wine, I couldn't think of it. But red wine is so implanted in my mind. Do you think it's, because I sort of feel like that about some white wine. I don't mind about it recently. But I think, because the first white wine I had was so disgusting and so vinegary and so like, sharp,

that that's what stuck with me, even when I've had like, more approachable white wines. You like rosy? Yeah. Like rosy. I could drink a rosy. Was Bring Angel. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I could bring a rosy. I love was Bring Angel. I love Swiss food. I like my favorite drink, it's a baby shem. Is it? Yeah. You are consistently the most contrary person I've ever met, Jamali. I'll drink a baby shem.

You will wait for someone to think, I've got the hang of Jamali, and then you'll say the complete opposite. I love a baby shem. I love a baby shem. I only drink baby shems. I go to like one of, you know, the really old school tough pubs and they go, we drink it.

Baby shem. Baby shem. Yeah. They take it out of the back. But again, that's like a, that's a very unbranded Jamali thing to do, to go in. Everyone's as tough as possible. I'm going to order that.

Yeah, I want a baby shem. That was some cages. Yeah. But that baby shem. That was the pile of hate they enabled. Yeah, yeah, please make me. Yeah. Yeah, because of the baby shem.

So this owl is not nice. Owl is, well, I can piss off. But owl, owl is gash, isn't it? Come on, owl is gash, man. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, I struggle with like cars. Guinness, with cars. Guinness is overrated.

Oh my God, what are you doing? Guinness overrated, man. It's absolutely extreme. I'd love Guinness so much. How you like Guinness, Guinness? I don't know. I did a show in Dublin, and then I came on stage with like a Guinness. And I went, hey, I went, ah, not for me.

He's putting down the rest of the gig. And I was like, what is this, bro? It just tastes like metal from Dead Drink Fan. Lovely. Nah, you're mad. So you go for still water then? Still, oh, sorry. Yeah, still water.

Sorry, I'm so sorry. Yeah, still water. Like, it was really, there's only a couple variations of the same thing. Like, noodles is pasta. Just I'm saying, though. Like, it's the same thing. So it's like, for me, there's only so many variations of the same thing. Yeah, you can call red wine tastes the same.

That's facts. So noodles is pasta. So if you use pasta. Couscous is rice. If you went for araman, and they brought it, and it was full of fusilli, you'd be all right with that, would you? Yeah, same thing. Oh, okay.

So you'd be okay with that. Even though once you made people bring out some sauces, you weren't going to eat. You'd be fine with someone bringing the wrong pasta. Do you know what? At first, I'd be mad, and then I'd have respect for him. Do you know what? He's doing it his way.

He's a renegade, and I respect that. I'll go, and he goes, yes, that's what he does. Noodles is pasta. And I go, all right. I vibe with it. Agree with that guy. But noodles are pasta, though, you know? What, they're a version of the same sort of basic carb, right?

But they do taste different. I think they taste different based on the soup. Like, if I gave you noodles, and I banked some carbonara sauce on that, I think you wouldn't know. You wouldn't know? No. Okay, I've had a very similar dish to that, and you do know. How you do?

A restaurant called Nishi in New York, which is a David Chang restaurant. It was like udon, but with like a sort of carbonara sauce. Oh, and it's catch-o-pepe, I think. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like udon. It was fantastic. It was nice.

You can tell. You can tell? You can tell. Is it the egg you think? They use more egg, because it's like egg noodles. They were rice noodles, so I guess it's the lack of egg noodles, so it's not like a pasta with all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was very good. Okay, yeah. But even like, so the point I was making is, bread is in my diet enough. I'll still grab a none. I'm assuming you meant naan bread when you said bread. No, any bread. Oh, any bread, oh.

Any bread for the start of your meal. Okay, because poppy-dums is only like, I guess I only eat poppy-dums at Indian place. I mean, also, I guess this is just like anything that you would have at this point in the meal that they bring out before you got your main meal. So I'd also allow prawn crackers, stuff like that. Oh, yeah. I like a prawn cracker too.

Yeah. Oh, Joe, I really hate when you go to a restaurant and they bring you out bread, lovely piece of bread, and then the butter's hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can piss off with that. Yeah, yeah. You can fuck off with that.

I hate that. You've got to give me some nice butter. But it's not like good, freshly baked bread. Now, you can't just give me a slice of hovis, mate. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That you just put a circle in.

Yeah. I'm kicking off a little bit. Do you know what my favorite bread is when I go harvester? Oh, I'll eat so much bread at harvester. I will, yeah. Yeah, I love harvester. But is that a freshly baked bread? Yeah.

In the morning, mate. You don't think they've got bakers waking up cracker doing just to feed your belly and you'll just say, I here disrespect to them. So you go into harvester in the morning. Oh, yeah. But before I eat breakfast, that's where I go. I go harvester. And I grab bread.

I like harvester. Harvester is that thing of that quintessential British thing of eat is shit. But it's nostalgic. Yeah. Do you know what I mean, though? Yeah, it fills you up. And it's cheap, early bird special, bro. I was raised on that.

From probably door to door, less than two minutes from a harvester. Oh. And I've lived there for three or so years now. And I've never been in the harvester. Really? Because when I first moved there, all my stuff was in boxing. I thought if I start going to the harvester for my food, I'm just going to go to the harvester all the time.

So I made sure I didn't. Slippery slope. I'm currently in the process of trying to move. And my plan is the final day, I'm going to go to the harvester for my farewell meal. Go early bird special and go on a weekend. Yeah. Bro, if you ain't seen white people like you see harvester in the early bird special in the weekend, bro, that's different white people.

Because I'm telling you, bro, they bang out early bird special, bro. And you see like old people from the home and that they come out and they get that. They stack up on that salad, get them croutons on that. From the salad bar. They wear their best. They wear their Sunday best. Yeah. You see, bro, when they're Sunday best on that, they iron that blue ink t-shirt.

Them capper track suits looking fire, bro. Thanks, Jamali, for those hot potatoes. Whoa. Now, we could talk about lots of different food inventions that guests have come up with this year, but really only one needs mentioning. Paul Chowdry. Three main course. Main course.

Yeah. You're talking like this is a new concept to you, the main course. This is a very difficult, there's so many to choose from here, you see. Yeah. With all the cuisines I've experimented with around the globe. It depends what mood you're in as well. And if I'm having a cheat day with Greg and Russell, how would it depends what I would go for. And one of my favorite dishes when I was in Italy, and it was cooked in its natural inhabitant.

And as it was supposed to be cooked, which you don't really find in London, was caccia pepe. Which is cooked in a bat of cheese, which is actually cooked in a bat of cheese, like a massive cheese ball. And they open it up and they cook it in the cheese bat. The bat. Yeah. What do you mean by bat of cheese? Like a bat of cheese.

We've not heard this phrase before. I might be wrong, but I would say like a wheel of cheese or something. Like a bat of cheese, isn't it? A bat of cheese. Yeah. What? Yeah, you haven't heard that expression before. No.

B-A-T. Yeah. No. A bat of cheese. Yeah. Which means what? Which means like a big lump of cheese. A bat.

Yeah. But you guys do English literature or language. Yeah. Yeah. Never heard that phrase before. Did you ever hear that phrase before? A bat of cheese. No.

And I'm sure that's the phrase, but I've just never heard it and you've presented it. Because you said it's cooked in a bat and I was like, what? Yeah. A bat. Like a bat of cheese. No, I'm just going to Google bat of cheese. No, I don't want to Google it.

No. I think we just leave it. We'll let the producer look if it's real. Did you mean bag of cheese is what's come up? I meant bag of cheese. You meant bag of cheese. I'm not a bat of cheese. Let's keep it to just maybe just check that Google.

Is it a bat of cheese? Have you got internet reception now? Yes, he's got internet reception. And he's Google bat of cheese and all that's come up is, did you mean bag of cheese? Well, this was in Rome. He's on Google in the UK. He's on UK, so if he was Italian Google, it would say,

yes, that's what we cook. Can you see bat of cheese? Can you write bat of cheese in Italian? Bat of cheese, Italy. Google that. No, write it in Italian. Do the translation. We're gone, Google translate.

Bat of cheese into Google translate. Do you mean like wheel of cheese, like a whole cheese? No, not wheel of fortune. Pipistrello di formaggio. Is that what you just, what's coming up? Let me have a look. What has come up when you put Pipistrello di formaggio into Google is, from what I can make out,

a little canapé, which is a rolled up ball of cheese, which has been dyed black, and they've stuck olives for eyes and big tortilla chips in it for ears so they look like bats. That's the main Google thing. If you Google that, bat of cheese in Italian, it comes up with a Halloween novelty snack that you would serve up to guests when they arrive, where they've made balls of cheese look like bats by putting tortilla chips in the ears.

That's the main course. It says Pipistrello di halloween. So do you want Pipistrello di halloween for your main course? Well, I've said better cheese. Yeah. So that's what you're going to have. Pipistrello di halloween. That's your main course. The cacio pepe's gone now.

And the cacio pepe. Yeah. But you would like Pipistrello di halloween as well. Yeah. Perfect. There you go. Do you like bats as an animal? No. No. Quick as you've answered a question. Not a big fan of bats. Don't like them.

But I do like a bat of cheese. Yeah. Yeah, you like a bat of cheese. Yeah, a Pipistrello di. A Pipistrello di halloween. Thanks, Paul. You're mad. And I'm looking at what we have to talk about next. And I'm not liking it one bit.

Yeah, James. This is going to be pretty controversial, man. This is about Bake Off. We have been trying to compile the Bake Off Cinematic Universe surrounding your appearance. And we've really, really got stuck in this year. It was a hot topic. It was a hot topic. And we got some...

Do you know what? We got some perspectives this year that changed how I viewed that day. There was some things that I didn't know took place. And also just ways that certain people felt about it that I wasn't aware of. Yeah. We've got Paul Hollywood, Nadia Hussein,

and Rylan Clark, all talking about Bake Off. Welcome, Paul, to the Dream Restaurant. I like it. You ruined my fucking life! Now, James, that's not how you introduce the guest, is it? I'm scared. Can I leave? Sorry. I've upped you out of the lamp very... In a bit of a mood. Sorry, Paul.

You've got an angry genie today, Paul. Sorry, Paul. You ruined my life. James, give Paul a proper introduction. Welcome to the Dream Restaurant. We've been waiting for some time. I can't remember you being in the Bake Off Cinematic Universe. What? It's all I hear, noon till night. No till night.

Already whatever. Did you get a handshake? Did you get a handshake? No. No. Not even off-camera. You're very... This is what the listeners don't know,

is that off-camera, you're very stingy with the hand... Because you're like, you know that your handshake means something. So you're like, no, no, no, no, no. You don't get it. Not with us. Not with our group that was on. What? It was handshakes all day. Was handshakes all day?

Yeah, I think everybody got one. I was too cocky, maybe. I don't know what it was. I didn't get no handshake. It was... I tell you what, I didn't get a handshake for my bakes. Do you remember what you did on your sick? What? My signature bake.

What did you do? What are you talking about? You've played dumb with me? James, you're going to have to have a normal conversation at some point during this episode. I can't remember what I did. It's just like someone murdered my family. And it's just like, oh, what?

I murdered so many people I can't remember. But think how many episodes of Bake Off that Paul has done since your episode. I did Flapjack. I did Bakewell Flapjack. And it didn't go well. And you may have warned me. How did you screw up that?

Well, you may not remember that it was a Flapjack because it certainly didn't look like a Flapjack. This is the most insulting thing. I love it. This couldn't have gone any better for me. The mix was too wet. You came along and you told me the mix looked too wet. And I was all like, that's because it's not Bakejack, Paul.

You silly Billy. And then it came out and I couldn't get it to... It was just a mush. It was like porridge. And you tasted it. And to be fair, you told me that the flavour was nice. Well, Bakewell flavour, you can't go wrong. Yeah.

But obviously, you know, it was a soup. So it was hard for you to say good Flapjack. And then we had to do Creamhorns for the technical. That's right. Now, do you even admit that that is unfair? No. It's dead easy. People didn't know that it's not dead easy.

Paul, it was a rough buff. What's harder? Creamhorns or raspberry donuts. Oh, the donuts by Mark. I thought so. What? Yeah. You're dealing with yeast.

You're dealing with something that wants to live and grow and run out of the tent. I've watched this episode because I've still got PTSD. So I'm not watching any of it. Creamhorns, man, that is hard. That is like, they do them in patisseries. And donuts. No, they don't do donuts in patisseries.

Yet you go to, it's part of a pastry school in France where they do a Creamhorn. We probably both hoped, James, that we had some sort of great book to help us out when we were doing Bake Off. Yes, I wish I personally could have bought the book Bake by Paul Hollywood, but it wasn't out back then. And the only baking book you'll ever need,

that's the title. I like to think that. The main reason being, exactly, the book was written during lockdown, mainly last year. And Noel was going off to his room to write his scripts. Matt was doing the same. Prue was right there, Paul or whatever she was doing. And I think ultimately, I thought I need to write a book,

a more of an updated book, actually, because the classic recipes I've chosen are, for me, classics. And they've been in the Bake Off for years. But it was with the twist of more chocolate, more this. There's more ingredients around now than there was years ago when I was writing my first book. So it was time to update them and get them tweaked

and get them spot on. It's, for me, it covers all the bases. Danish, croissant, breads, the lot, you know. Creamhorns? You know. No, no, creamhorns. That would be too hard. You can't expect a novice to do this.

Because that's too easy. That's in his kids' baking book. I can teach my cats. I'm not laughing at that. Shut up. Are the recipes written as you would write the technicals? So, not nothing for me. It's all there, all the methods there.

And for me, it was fun because I tested it on a few friends as well. So I sent out some of the recipes to friends and said, crack on with this, see how you get on. And they all came back with good results. So I gave them a little judging to see what they were like. And I should have sent you a few, shouldn't I? Yeah, you should have.

That could have been. I mean, what a primal for this book. That would have been. Yeah, make these guys. If people thought, if I cast a good cook thing, it's clearly I can as well. Yeah, but it was never going to happen, was it? No, no.

Paul's never going to miss that. I'll send it to the worst person ever in the tent. Although, you can't even remember me, apparently. No, I do remember you in the tent. Just can't remember you. I'm just a blank in the mouth. Do you know what I tried to do in the tent at one point? And they cut out the edit and it was annoying.

I tried to trap you under a box. And Rylan and I got me put, because you were stealing my dolly mixtures. I had some dolly mixtures. Oh, yeah, they were nice to them. You love them. I do. You would take a dolly mixture and you would look at me

with your rock, pool eyes and you would pop a dolly mixture in your mouth and you're like, what are you going to do? You look at me like, what are you going to do about that? I mean, nothing, I guess. But then me and Rylan got a little dish of dolly mixtures, put them on the floor under a box that we had propped up with a stick and then tied a little string to the stick and I hid behind a bin and Rylan was shouting you,

going, Paul, Hollywood. And then eventually you came round and you looked at the dolly mixtures under the box and you looked at me and went, not falling for that. And you walked away. You know what? I'm not falling for that. You know what that says to me, Paul?

Well, it says that some people weren't concentrating enough on their baking. It's saying they're not spending enough time reading the recipes. Yeah. That was during the showstopper at the end. Right. And you had time on the showstopper to mess around. I'd already shanked it.

There was nothing to play for. I iced an egg in that one. Yeah. I put some icing on an egg and said it was pro. So, you know. She's more than an egg. She is more than an egg. Do you think your husband will be doing a collaboration

on some grinders perhaps in the future? Oh, yeah. Who knows? I mean, when this gets out, when this gets out, it could happen, couldn't it? Very unlikely he'll do anything kitchen related. The last time he cooked, he forgot about the boiled eggs and then couldn't find them

and found that they were lodged in the ceiling. Yeah. So, where he'd boiled the eggs, the water had evaporated and obviously they were just bouncing around in a dry pan and they had nowhere to go. And then he'd forgotten that he's put these eggs on boil and here's this loud crush and all four eggs are in the ceiling. Like literally attached to the ceiling.

And I come in from work and I'm like, what he's up there with the kind of like wallpaper scraper thing and trying to take bits off. I said, what have you done? He's like, nothing. And I kid you not. He'd got the paint out and everything ready to disguise the fact that we had eggs on it.

I was like, oh my God. Is that a show? He's like, yeah, just don't cook. Just don't go in the kitchen. Like, don't. Yeah. I would say sometimes when people say like, you know, oh, they're a bad cook, so I forbid them from cooking.

I always feel like it's a bit harsh. But if he overboiled the edge to the point where they bounced up into the ceiling, I think it's fine to say he can't cook anymore. And congrats on the range. Sounds great. And is it good to know? Like there's been a lot of winners of Bake Off over the years, but you're essentially the champion of champions

and you've done the best out of all of them. Did you remind yourself of that sometimes that they're all a bunch? Everyone else who won it is actually a loser because you have done much better than them. And now you have your own range years after being on Bake Off and they've done nothing. Well, I mean, if you if you'd asked me that and I was like seven, I might say, yeah, you know,

like I might agree with you, but like being a grown-up, I perhaps can't say that. But I mean, if you want to say it, you can say it. Yeah, you feel it in your heart. Maybe now that you've said it, now you've like planted the seed. Yeah, you said it, James. Nadie's not agreeing. She's just she can bask in it, but she's not agreeing.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not agreeing, but I am basking in the glory of it. I'm happy that you feel my joy. And that's enough for me. Yes. That was my grown-up answer. Perfect. Very good.

Very diplomatic. Do you have a mail address? Hashtag Donata. No. Oh, fucking hard. Yeah. Yeah. Mind you, I shouldn't talk to you about baking.

I'm glad it's come up. George, you know what? We've lasted a while. We've got this far at least. I honestly just wanted to hold you that whole time. You did? You were on Celebrity Bake Off. You know, it's no secret.

I've said it on stage. I've said it to your face. I've heard. I've heard you spreading word around me. You're the one who carried me through it. I literally just wanted to... At one point, I was like, I'm sure I even said to you,

do you want to come home with me tonight and just make a bit, you know? Yeah. Just have it. Yeah. He needed it. You were literally at the end of giving any fuck whatsoever. Yeah, it was, yeah.

But you were brilliant. We had a laugh on the last day. That was the thing. We had a laugh on the last day. See, we had a laugh every day, but you had a laugh on the last day. Everyone else had such a laugh every day. It's such a fun show to film. But yeah, no, that's how we met.

Yeah, that's how we met on that show. I often wondered this, because obviously Michelle Keegan won. She won. Yes. Where do you think... Because they don't say where else everyone else comes. Do you think...

Well, I've got a gripe about it. Yeah. And for anyone that can't see me, which is everyone, my hands are now in the air. Yeah. And that's when you know I've got a gripe about it. You've got a proper gripe about it. It's gripey.

It's gripey McGripes. And... Do you remember we had to make the Cremones? Yeah. Yeah, I do remember the Cremones. Yeah, yeah. Right. We had like Aaron Arth was saying,

to make some Cremones. That was the technical, right? Yeah. It was the blind technical as well. If hell is personal, that's what's happening when I'm in hell. Yeah. I'm arriving there,

and there's some vague instructions on the table on how to make Cremones. Right. I've got to do them. With all that looks like medical anal devices to wrap this pastry round. Yeah. Anyway, so I'm sitting there,

and I'm like, right, I know what a Cremhorn is. Yeah. Do I really know how to make it? Right. Okay, well, these are obviously that. You must put the pastry round the outside, and then with that stick. So it is like fucking femfie cell.

Yeah. Anyway, I remember, I put my Cremhorns in the oven. Yeah. And the one thing everyone was worrying about was do we do it standing up or laying down? Yeah. Because obviously, will it slide off?

All right. So I put mine in the oven, and I'm like, right, 20 minutes to bake. There's half hour left on this challenge. 10 minutes to call, and I'll just shut the cream in right at the end. Okay, fine. I'm taking mine out of the oven

with five minutes to go. Everyone else has not even got the pastry in the oven yet. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, what's going on? I'm thinking, well, I fucking want this one. Yeah, yeah. Someone walks in to the tent, says, guys, guys, we can see you're all having a bit of trouble here,

so we're going to give you another hour. What? I don't even remember this. I fucking do. So I'm sat there. Now, listen, this is no shade on bake off, I understand, and this don't happen in the civilian version, I say civilian because it's built into a big brother.

This don't happen in that version. Obviously, the celebrity one's a bit different. It's not about who wins it, blah, blah, blah, but bullshit because I'm sitting there. Four cream. They look nice with my cream on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My cream was lovely, right?

Yeah, yeah. Because I thought I only had five minutes left, I thought I'm going to leave the orange out of the cream. I'm just going to do just a normal like, I believe it's shantily. Yeah. Cream, filled them all up. I'm done.

Yeah. People think we've got the fucking things in the oven. Then they go, we're going to give you on another hour because otherwise there's no point, is there, with this challenge? Then Michelle fucking Keegan wins to get first. I will. Do you know what?

I like the girl. I like Michelle. I like Michelle and Mark. They live up the road like lovely. I get on with them. But in that moment, I'm sitting there going, you bastards, I'm sat here. I've made you cream horns in the hour and a half you asked for.

They look nice. They look nice. Granted, there's no fucking orange in it. And no other bastards even got their pastry in the oven with 10 minutes to go. And you come in and give us all an extra hour. Do you know what? I might go down, Mark says,

go and get a fucking meal deal. What do you want me to do about it? And then Paul and Prue come in. Oh, and this love it. Oh, this is nice. Oh, there's no orange in this shantily cream. I'm like, I know because I only had five fucking minutes. There he's like, did anything happen?

No. And where do I get? Second. Second joke. Fuck off. Fuck off. And then to make matters worse, now before that I'm looking for Prue's fucking wedding ring

that she had lost on the floor. So I'm outside. Lovely woman, Prue. Sorry, the Chaplatinum Jubilee. Dames you, Jack. But I'm sitting there outside on gravel in the middle of... Where were we pinewood? Yeah, yeah, we were outside pinewood.

On the gravel trying to find this engagement ring or wedding ring for about five years. Yeah, yeah. Doing cream on. So I'm trying to put out fires all over the shop. Everyone else gets fucking extra hour. And there I am. Get second.

Second. Second. Plus, I'm helping in with some fucking wiggly worms to live like this and some childhood thing park, drink or something. And I'm like, you're right, Janice. Do you want a drink? Do you want a tea?

Like, let me help you. Just trying. Joe, being a nice person gets you nowhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So going back to your earlier question. You took completely change what you said earlier. Fuck that.

Do what you want. All right. Do you know what? It's 10 years now. I'll show you the real me. Fuck them all. Fuck them all. Buy the book.

And there she's out. Now, James, you never really stop going on about Bake Off, but that's not the only thing that you never stop going on about. You've got many recurring stories, like a silly little old man, and they annoy Benito, don't they? And me and quite a lot of the time. You don't get annoyed.

You like him. Yeah, I like him when they annoy Benito. Yeah, yeah. Benito gets annoyed and I guess doubly annoyed, because he then has to sit and edit it and listen to it again. Yes. And then, but he knows he has to keep him in because the listeners love him.

Yeah. And I love him for that reason. Yeah, yeah. So let's hear about chorizo broccoli pasta, as told to Angela Hartnett, and of course, the Diet Coke story, as told to Kiri Pritchard-McLean. So you put that in a bacon butty

or a chip butty? You do not put it in a crisps sandwich, sorry. Are you buttering a crisps sandwich? Oh, yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah. As many calories as you can. Saucy butter you can put in there. Saucy butter, sausage crisps,

heart attack, sort of food after a hangover, sort of, you know, you know what I'm saying. Oh, I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. There's a lot of, I was looking at the book a minute ago, and like Tom Carey just said how brilliant it is, Stanley Tutti, I was wondering, do chefs use each other's cookbooks at home? Do you have cookbooks by other chefs that you use?

I do, actually. Yeah, I have quite a lot. I've got Tom's books. Thank you, Ed. Very good, very good. I love, I tell you, he's a great food writer. I love, he's the guy from Honey & Co. Yeah.

Itamar, he's fantastic. I love Valentine Warner. I think his cookbooks are great. River Cafe. Yeah, I do, actually. You dip in and out. There's no one. I mean, the Godess is Delia without doubt.

Because I tell you for why all her recipes work. I mean, I hope to God all of those, too. Because my mum's always saying, do you check these recipes? Are you sure they're us? I said, yeah, yeah, I think they're. But, you know, even I'm like, I missed out on ingredients. But Delia's like Mary. They test and test and test.

They say thorough. You know, if you want a recipe that you suddenly go, I want Yorkshire Puddin's to go to work, you go to Delia without doubt. Oh, that's good. Oh, nice. I've tried using. I bought Tom Carage's Hand in Flowers book.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And even when I told him that I had that, he went, you're never going to mention anything at all. When I looked at him, I was like, well, of course not. Because I don't have a blast chiller at home. Don't you have your sous vide machine, of course. Guess what we discovered recently in my flat?

The chorizo broccoli pasta. This is one of James's recipes. OK. Made my girlfriend make chorizo broccoli pasta all the time. Probably twice a week, as I think. OK, nice. It's her favorite dish. Lovely.

We absolutely love it. Any particular broccoli, may I ask, or just, you know? Well, kind of like your standard broccoli, but it's the stems, not the heads. So just chop the stems up. Nice. Nice. I like that.

No wastage. Yeah, yeah. So you do the stems. Oh, no. Then he throws all the rest of the broccoli away. Yeah, that's what's great about it. We're used to. Here's a thing, Angela.

Is this an interesting story? Yes. We're used to, you know, how are we going to use these stems? So then we got this recipe and we did that. And now we're like, how are we going to use these stems? That is an interesting story. That's how much we love this recipe. It's stunning.

It's stunning. I love it. I'll post them up in the weekend. Yeah. OK. Marvelous, yeah. But like, yeah, we know it so well. We were like, where have we even got this recipe from?

I didn't know. Tom Carridge. Tom Carridge. You're playing Tom Carridge. It's like the Tom Carridge recipe. Yeah. You put chili in there as well, bit of garlic. Yeah, chili's, garlic, capers.

Capers, nice, yeah. Obviously chorizo. Yeah, obviously chorizo. I always forget the name of the pasta that we prefer. But we, you know, I only have it in chorizo pasta. Do you use the main bit of the chorizo, or is it like the stem to use the metal on the end? Yeah, the metal.

Yeah, the metal, pull that in. Yeah, it's like a 20p in a Christmas pudding. Yeah. OK. Oh, nice. We like that bit of that. Spot the chorizo. Yeah, you're lucky to get the old metal bits.

I specifically remember going with my friend Mavane to Brighton on a day out with her friend, Dom, I think his name was. And you know when you're out and you're like, do you want a fizzy drink? It's like a nice treat, fun fizzy drink. And he was like, oh, I don't drink fizzy drinks. And I, and he was like, I just stopped having them.

And now they taste like chemicals. And I was like, what? I can't. I remember, I remember specifically thinking that in my 20s. And then I stopped drinking them. I used to just neck diet Coke. Yeah. To the point where I was worried that if you cut me open,

I'd look like one of those lovely sort of amethyst paperweights. Yeah, there's all crystals inside. So I, then I just stopped for whatever reason. And I went back to it now. And fizzy drinks are quite horrible. Like chemically, if you, like most tins of them are really quite disgusting. But sparkling water still gives you that,

that sweet, sweet high of bubbles without the like taste. So you used to drink a lot of Diet Coke. Loads. And then you stopped drinking Diet Coke for a really long time. And now when you go back to it, it tastes like chemicals. Yeah. That's interesting. Isn't it guys?

That's the next step on from my story. Because I used to drink. You basically teed James up for a story he's told on this podcast. Hold on though. Because this is like Kimmy's come up with a sequel. So I've told this story a lot. I used to drink a lot of Coca-Cola. And I stopped drinking caffeine for like five years.

And then started drinking Diet Coke. And it tasted just like Coca-Cola used to taste. It's like a hack. And then I drank loads of Diet Coke. But now it seems that if I then went the next step and stopped drinking the Diet Coke for five years, I would then go back to Diet Coke and it would taste like chemicals.

And that's interesting. It is. Yeah. But it's really like you've really played a long game on this, aren't you? And you strike me someone who hasn't got many vices. So have you Diet Coke? Well, yeah, I'm letting myself do that now.

But like it's interesting to know that there's another phase for this because it's one of the listeners' favorite stories on the podcast. A fan favorite. Yeah, fan favorite. I think saying to someone, you strike me as someone who doesn't have many vices,

is the most polite way of saying, you're an absolute dweeb. Oh, no, more sort of like, and then this sort of like caviar in the air is like, other than all the sex work, because you've been... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of the other, isn't it? Yeah.

That is, I'm either a dweeb or you suspect I'm secretly a murderer. Hey, you could be both. A sex murderer to be specific. Oh, that is some top quality content right there. That's pretty good, man, I've got to admit. I love that stuff. We could have played a few more clips of those.

I think I've talked about treats a broccoli pasta with more people than just Angela Hartnett. Well, don't worry about it, because Benito's going to put himself through it even more here, because what annoys him even more than your two stories there is a long, boring guessing game. Yes, he hates guessing games.

You know who likes them? Annie Magliano and Morgana Robinson. Correct. Guessed correctly. Now, you mentioned the rip-off Colin Kerr publications then. Where do you stand on those? I think like, sometimes you aren't near an M&S. Sure.

The worlds you're meant to do, not have a category, okay? Yeah. I thought what you're supposed to do gets through a whole day without a caterpillar-shaped cake. Yeah, and you know, I think also, what is it? Wiggles? Yeah, they've got different names. They've got different names. But they're all Colin to me.

Benito's googling it as we speak. They're all Colin to me. I just call them all Colin. It's easier. Yeah, yeah. No! Doesn't make this, that's not a good look. We were an alliance against Ed.

We were, but I can't stand by this. No. And to think up until this point, I bet someone from M&S was listening and going, I'm going to send down your so many Colin the Caterpillar cakes. No, we can't have that. I'll die. Let me see the names.

Weirdly, I can't wait for this. Here we go. Other retailers. I'm going to say the names of the caterpillars, and you have to tell me where it's from. Yeah, great game. Is that the, or is the phone, I guess I know, we don't know any of the names, do we?

I was going to say, you say the retailers, and we get to try and guess the names. I can do a round like that as well. There's so many of them. You can only do one of the rounds. You can't then just do it. I can go back and forth. That's just a memory game.

We have to be men in black in between. For one caterpillar to the next, not I do all of them, and then men in black do, and then do it again, and see which format works the best. But it keeps the one in the work. Actually, for this one, I'm going to tell you the place. This is good.

Morrison's. So I think alliteration is kind of key sometimes. You would think that. You would think that, but maybe it's clearly not because of... But it could be alliteration with caterpillar, like Colin. Let me tell you. Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. That's what he meant to fucking moron.

What do you think? What did you think I thought? It could be alliteration with caterpillar, like, for example, Colin the caterpillar. I thought you meant with Morrison's. No, no, no, not with... I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this.

There were two... Well, I'll tell you this. You really lashed out. I'll tell you, I apologize. There were two caterpillars here that aren't alliterated with caterpillar. Wiggles. Wiggles is one of them.

Oh, wow. Where do you get wiggles from? Sainsbury's. Correct. What, that? Okay, this is great. I'm going to lose this. Now, the other one that is not alliterated with caterpillar

is the Morrison's one. Right. But it is alliterated with Morrison's. Right. We laughed at you so much. What a redemption art. It's not Mark Morrison, is it? Close.

Mark. Is it Mark the caterpillar, James? The caterpillar's a little bit called Mark. It's the worst. It's the worst. Colin's a weird name for a caterpillar, but we're used to that now. This is alliterated.

We do have a rip-off of Colin's caterpillar. I'm going to call it Mark. Mark the caterpillar. No. Okay. You said it was close. Mark Morrison was close. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But not the Mark bit. Ah, it begins with M. Yes. Mucky. No, not Mucky. Muddy. No, not Muddy. No.

Michelle. Is it male name? Yes. Martin. No. Mr. Caterpillar. Michael. Michelin.

Morris. Morris. So it was close. Yes. Morris the caterpillar. Yes, I tried to steer you. Not Mark. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Michael. What the fuck? You said it. Where's Cuff put the caterpillar from? Tesco. Increate. No. Not Liddle.

Aldi. Yes. Oh, yeah, from the scandal. Oh, I'm heading down to the co-op. Okay. So I just got an email about our bookings for the Christmas special. So I had a little look.

Just came in. I'm going down to the co-op. What caterpillar's hanging around there? Christine. Oh, that's good. Is it alliterative, yeah? Yes. Charlie.

Yes. It is Charlie. It is Charlie, the caterpillar at the co-op. Oh, Cecil the caterpillar. That's Tesco. Liddle. No. What the fuck?

Cecil sounds awfully posh to me. Oh, Waitrose. Very good. Yeah. These are good clues as well, man. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Clyde the caterpillar.

Oh, I know this one. Now. Tesco. No? Oh, for a million fucking times. Let's just say we've Clyde. He has a neck all the way down to his ass, which he pats twice.

As the? As the. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, right. Just for the listener, and for James, because you missed that. No. And you just pat it her face twice.

Almost as if to try and remember what the name of the supermarket was. You can remember that. Do you remember that on the Azzer Advertise? Let's slap the thumbs up. Do-do-do-do-do. I really thought I was going to get away with that. I mean, there was a Tesco one,

which I feel like this should be just you guessing it. Yeah. Because you guessed Tesco for every single one. They all sound like they could be Tesco. I can see where it is in my Tesco. Huh? What? Oh, you mean in your Tesco that you go to? It's my local Tesco.

For a second, it was like you were describing your own mind as being a Tesco. See where it is in my Tesco? Yeah. Which is also true. That's how we talk about it. You're just losing words in your vocabulary steadily. Everyone replace them all with Tesco.

Okay, I can Tesco where it is. Can I have a letter after C? You. It's not fun. Cuthbert. We had Cuthbert earlier. That was the Audi one. Don't worry, you did guess Tesco for that.

But Cuthbert has already been gone. I'll give you a clue as well with this one. It's not traditionally like a normal Christian name, but there was a character in Coronation Street who was called this. Oh, okay, got it. I don't know that. No?

Yes. Curly. Curly the Tesco. I would never have got that. Best game we've ever played on the pod. Yeah, it's a good pod. It was a good pod game. Good pod game.

Good pod, good pod. How many shapes of pasta do you have in your house at any given moment? Oh my God, I'd probably say about seven at the moment. Really? Seven. Yeah. I don't think I could even name that many shapes of pasta.

Yes, you can. Come on, let's go. Penne. Come on, Ed. Penne. Yeah. Thank you. Spaghetti.

Yeah. Linguine. Yes. Fusilli. This one, this one. No, I'm not looking. I want to do it properly. I want to do the game properly.

You don't win Taskmaster by taking help from other people. It's lasagna sheets. Yes, that counts. Is that counts? Lasagna, yeah, cannelloni. You can say that. Yeah. Oh, that's good.

I'll say that next. Angel hair. Yes. Fuffale. Oh, that's action manbo-tied. That's what I was doing for you. I was trying to help you. Oh, right.

OK. Tagliatelli. Tagliatelli. Yeah. Oh, good one. Uh-oh. I might be in big trouble here. I said it a minute ago

when I was talking about the sausage one. Here's the thing as well. Like, I make a regular pasta, my chorizo broccoli pasta, and I make it with a pasta that I don't even know the name of it. We get the same pasta every time because it's the best one to go with chorizo broccoli pasta.

Do you do that with your fees and chili? No. We do it with chili. Chili, garlic, capers. Sexy. Thank you. I've got two lined up ready to go, by the way. Yeah, can only get no pressure.

I've got about five. There's a Taskmaster champ, so absolutely. Absolutely. He's shredded me here. You're going to come bottom last again. Oh, no. Bottom last. Last of your terms for you.

Second bottom, I came, and it will be the same again because Benito's bottom. The last time you had a second bottom was when you were many kids. Yeah. I had four bottoms. I don't think I'm out.

Come on. There's only the other pasta. You're going to give up. Macaroni. Yeah, there you go. Exactly. Macaroni. Macaroni.

Yeah, well done, Macaroni. But a feather is that god of macaroni. Orzo. Oh, nice. What? Orzo. Looks like little rice. Looks like rice.

Orecchietti. Oh, no. Yeah, the little is. Because it's straight back now. Because each of my ones lined up. So it's like, I didn't even get it. This is the genius of this game. I came up for air for like two seconds,

and now that's it. Oh, come on. You were so smug when you said it. You were so smug when you said it. Think of like, you know, when like, when, yeah, so smug. Angel hair. I was really smug with that.

Angel hair. I've got a mirror. I've got a mirror. Because I was like, you were struggling. So I was like, this game's going to last like one more round. So I've got angel hair, and then I'm out. I didn't know I was going to have to do more.

Then you checked out, didn't you? Yeah, I did check out. But even now that I'm in, also what's annoying about it is that I tried to, I tried to go I'm out, and then I told, I can't go out. He was like, no, so no, I'm trapped in this game. I got three lined up. Yeah, I've got three lined up, have you?

I've got, I've got, I've got a few on my sleeve. What? Uh-huh. How is this happening? He's sweating, he's sweating. He normally likes guessing games. He looks, he looks really actually quite worried. For Flazy.

For Flazy, I'm not sure for Flazy. For Flazy, yes, Bonito. He's on the Wikipedia. For Pastor. How are you spelling for Flazy? F-E-R-F-L-E-W-Z-I. Nothing. It's called Zero.

Oh, you've got a, I'll beat Dave Freeman. You've mumbled up times. Do you want to hand my last ones that I have? Yeah, you go. Burkettini. Nice. Burkettini.

Burkettini. On the mG, The big, thick spaghetti. Raviole. I thought we could throw that in. Oh, hello. Oh, fuck's sake. You haven't even thought of you

haven't gone down the path so road is tall, have you? I know, though. Struttza preti. Yeah, the little ripped bit. Strangled priest, that means. What? That's one of the banties. I've got a ride on.

Is that another pasta? Yeah, meaty dishes only. Yes. We're not going to put this bit in, are we? We're going to do this bit now. Yeah, our listeners love this kind of stuff. Do they? They're disgusting.

OK, great. We all love a guessing game, James. Yeah, I guess I do. And you know what else we love? And this is my favorite category that Bonito has put together for the best of. I love an anecdote. Yes, this is where I guess if you get the great Bonito

and you're putting together the best of and you've got a bunch of stuff that is good, but you can't figure out what category to put it in. You just make up a category called anecdotes and that's a good old cover all. Yes. So here's some anecdotes from Felicity Ward, Kiri Pritchard-McClain and Babatunde Alache.

Our whole family have like this secret language that we speak made up of all of the dumb things that we couldn't say. So we call Disney Disney and we call, if something's nice, we say it's lulli bof or boofalulli. Lulli boof. Yeah, lovely and beautiful or beautiful and lovely. It's like, oh, a jacket, lulli boof. Lulli boofalulli.

Oh, lulli. Boofalulli, I love that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love it. Oh, so soft. Oh, that's good. So soft and boofalulli. Boofalulli.

Lulli boof. Like you mean clockwork orange. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I got it. And then I got a message the other day, I've got loads of cousins, I've got 26 cousins and lots of them have kids now and two of the kids of my cousins,

one of them said, these are just quotes, Xavier must be like four now. And he went, oh, dad, Pelicans fucking stink. And then the other one was from my, my cousin's daughter Harper and she walks around the house going, oh, fuck her hells. Lovely stuff. Lovely stuff.

That is boofalulli stuff. It's lullibuff. Do you say googie eggs? No. All right, yeah, just checking. It's another one, like if you call it like an egg, do you want some googie eggs? No.

But what's that for? I can't really remember. You know, do you know the phrase full as a goog? No. That is a phrase that exists and an egg is a goog. Full as a goog. Full as a goog, G-double-o-g.

But what does that mean? Look, I'm not an etymologist. But do you use that phrase? Yeah. And when do you use it? If you've had a big meal, you're like, well, full as a goog. Full as a goog. What is it saying?

Full as a goog. Informal means very drunk. Drunk. Drunk Australian phrase, it says. Yeah, we never use it in that. And we call it, can you Google googie eggs? An egg or eggs usually when offered as food to a child. In widespread use, come on, eat your googie eggs.

Yeah, googie eggs. No, it's not helps at all, really. It's just Australian, it's just googie eggs. Just to get to eat eggs. You've not mentioned my favourite mayo. I was quite excited when you said most different mayos and then my favourite one didn't come up. Oh my God, no, I've got it.

I've got it. OK, my favourite mayo. I've got a mayo story to tell you. So this is so, OK. So what a pickle is a company. Were you either doing the title of the story there? What a story to tell you. What a pickle.

Can we put down the claim? It will actually, it will work with the title. Right, great. So picture the scene. What a pickle. Your partner and I, we try and support anything vegan we'll buy, anything small business we'll buy. So we just take a punt on tarragon mayo from what a pickle.

What a pickle. And we get it home. This doesn't sound like a pickle sofa, by the way. We finish the jar in a day. What a pickle. So then we go back to get it. There's no more tarragon mayo. What?

They were like, no one is buying it. Like that was it, that you had the last jar. So we're like, oh, God, how are we going to track this down? So then there's a lockdown. And all we're thinking of is this tarragon mayo. So then we go back to, I've said this slightly wrong, OK. So we go to, OK, right. So we go to a shopping centre near us.

I love there's a lockdown and all you're thinking about is tarragon mayo. I promise you, OK. Not worried about the NHS or anything? Also, my favourite stories are ones that are flagged up at the beginning, like, right, I've got a story. And then go wrong and have to be started again. My favourite type of story. I love it.

I've remembered this one. Give that to the beginning. OK, no, OK. What's the pickle? Can we play time again? OK, here we go. It's because I got distracted on the way and I actually thought, I know the good bit of the story.

This is just preamble. Right, so Vrongoch is a lovely garden centre in north Wales. My parents and I love to go there and they've got a little shop in the corner. So we go there, there's a tarragon mayo. Let's try some of this. Take it home, finish it, like, immediately. Like I say, day two days.

It's so, so good. We're like, we've got to go back there. By the time I'm not working, there's another lockdown. So, oh, God. So then they lift the lockdown, we go back, we make a beeline for it and it's not there anymore. And we're sort of mooching around, being like, oh, it's not there, it's not there.

And the woman in the shop is like, what are you looking for? I said, oh, we had this tarragon mayo before. It was really good. And she went, oh, God, yeah. She said, we had loads of jars of it. Left, no one was buying it. And then the lockdown happened and it went, she was like, it was about to go off.

So we threw a load of it away and we gave some to the staff. And I was like, really? And then we joked and went, where are the bins? And then she said, oh, I took some home for my daughter because she's a vegan. And she was like, I don't think she's even opened it. And we're like, oh, right, okay.

And then she was like, where do you live? And I said, oh, I live on the island. And she went, I live on the island. And she said, whereabouts? And I was like, will you tell me where first? And she was like, no, you tell me. So I told her the tiny village that I live in. And she went, my auntie lives there.

I'm going past. And she was like, tell you what? If she's not opened the jar. And she said, if it hasn't got a little green fur jacket on it, it's the phrase that she used. She said, I'll leave it for you by the house. And I was like, oh, okay. So I just didn't think anything of it.

Anyway, like a week later, at the end of where we live, is a little plastic bag with a little poster note on it going. I brought you the Tarragon Mayo. I hope you enjoy it from this woman. And she's given us her Tarragon Mayo. I don't think that story should be called Water Pickle. That story should simply be called Wales. I live in Wales.

Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread, Baba Tunde. Pop it up, it's all bread. Why are you shouting at me? Bread. Is this what happens? You just shout at me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're lucky, I didn't. It's because I've been taking cold baths, so I don't get scared now, you know what I'm saying? Because I can't sound comfortable. Oh man, if I remembered, I literally forgot already that Baba Tunde gets scared easy. I should have thought I could really get him with Pop It Up, it's all bread.

But I thought, well, he's not going to be surprised with that because he's a fan of the podcast. Because he wears the merch. But then I forgot, he doesn't know his podcast. So why have I done that? What would you have done if he'd just run out of the room? Bro, like if this was a month ago, not taking cold baths and stuff like that,

yeah, I would have jaded. So you take cold baths now. Have you tried watching The Exorcist now you take cold baths? Nope, it ain't happening. I still believe in Jesus, so that's not happening, bro. Does The Exorcist not confirm your belief in Jesus? Because like it's... The Catholic Church actually like back The Exorcist as a film.

What? Yeah, because it says that Jesus exists. Like it's actually a pro-religion film. Okay. It's got the baddies in it. Yeah. Bro, I've never been to... I've never seen someone be exercised.

I've been to... Well, that's a lie, Tunde. I have, but not like that. I have some... I've seen someone... Because I go church. I have seen someone... I used to go to a Pentecostal church.

You see all types of stuff there. I have seen a demon manifest in someone and... But not like that. Not like that. The girl pushed the preacher and he flew. Wow. But she had a demon in there, so they said. She pushed him.

She pushed the crap out of him. And I was like, daaah! Like I was at the back of the church. I was like, daaah! You got pushed. I don't... LAUGHTER I was like, you better call on Jesus, bruv.

She's strong, bruv. That's probably just what you wanted to hear at that moment. The preacher, he's flying across the room, just being pushed by a demon. Surely someone from my congregation will come and help me. Damn, you got pushed! Let me get this straight. When you watch an actual horror film,

you have to run out of the flat and then argue about who goes back in the flat to turn it off. But you've been in a room with a literal demon and all you thought was, oh, you're in a church. And you thought, oh, I got pushed. And you didn't think like... You watch it like everyone else will. Watches a horror film.

If I saw that in a film, I'd be like, damn, he got pushed. In real life, I've been running out. No, man, because it's church. Like Jesus, you know what I mean? She's another demon in there, in the church. Yeah, but like, the preacher's gonna be like, do his thing in it, like. He's protected because he's been pushed.

I mean, if she turned around and set her sights on me, I'm gone. Didn't seem too worried about bringing attention to yourself. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Well, oh yeah, yeah, I did shout out. But at the same time, bro, this really happened, not even a joke. This girl was going crazy.

She shook her head and then she just went, boom! And he was on the other end of the room. It flew, wow. But were you not scared then? She's gonna get us all? Nah, not really, because like I said, like the preacher, he's got Jesus' power. But he's been pushed for miles.

I mean, that's his fault, bro. You know what I'm saying? You shouldn't have kissed the demon off, you know what I'm saying? Man, you know what was really funny? When Babatunde said like, you was grabbing the ass, you were grabbing that butt. Yeah, yeah, on I'm a Celebrity, it's Babatunde. If I see him now,

because we've recorded that before, he's on I'm a Celebrity. If I see him now, I'm gonna be fanboying about that. Yeah, yeah, I am. Hey, and look, I don't like how much Celebrity has humanised that piece of shit, Hancock. But I love Babatunde sitting down with him and telling him over and over again,

you were grabbing that ass. Yes, and I will fanboy with him about that. This is me trying to link into the next bit, James. You just keep talking about grabbing the ass. Yeah, but I'm just disgusted with Hancock and him being humanised on that show. But I love the fact Babatunde said grabbing the ass. We certainly fanboyed over some guests this series.

What? Let's hear from Joseph Quinn and Michael Sherr. Yeah. See, we're pop of fans, man. Yeah. We know it. No, obviously, Eddie Munson, big metal fan. Big metal fan, based on Ed.

Huge for me. You're a big metal fan, aren't you? Yeah, I'm a huge metal fan. He loves to get bored games as well. Let me tell you, the metal press went absolutely wild when that last episode came out. I know, yeah. All my tweets were like from, like,

Karang and Metal Hammer and stuff, and so excited that there's a Metallica song in Stranger Things. Oh, yeah, when you did the guitar. Yeah. Here's another thing I always think when watching stuff. This should be good. Whenever they're playing, I mean, it will be good.

Whenever an actor's doing music, I'm like, are they actually playing it? Are they always at someone else's hands? What do you think? Is it someone else's hands? Sometimes they do close-up shots of the guitar. If someone else's shredding and plays it, because when they're just playing it, when you're playing that Metallica song,

bits of the fretboard are like, they're playing that song. It's probably playing that song, but have you learned it? Are you doing that? Or have they got a handsy person in it? Sure, I'll be totally honest with you. Most of it's me. And I'm doing the hands, the music hands, to make the music.

The difficult music, the solo, they're not my hands. Dustin Sands. Nothing gets faster than that. I knew that was just a sad song. It's something that's a child's hand. I'm tiny. Yeah, they should have thought of that. Yeah, so it's kind of a little bit my hands,

a little bit other mystery hands. No question about the guitar. Come on. When you get it just before that scene, when you go up on the roof to shred, you get it off of the thing and you're excited about doing the solo. You put it on and then you swing it.

I'll give it right to your back in one. Do you like that? Is that a real guitar or is that made of polystyrene so that it would fly easier? Real guitar. Real guitar. I can't remember how many takes, not that many. Didn't drop it at any point?

No. Just goes, whew, every time. Drilled it. Drilled the strap into the guitar so that we'd avoid that problem. Brilliant. See? What do you mean see?

Why are you looking at me like that? Worth answering the question. Yeah, I didn't say it wasn't worth. I thought it was a good question, great answer. I just sat here enjoying it. Shall we move on? It's a real badass mind. It's like, it's really, in many ways,

this is the best and the worst time for us to interview you. Right. Best time for us. OK. We've just seen it and we just want to talk about it, like it's worth time for you. Because we've just seen it. We want to talk about it.

That's OK. You bread with loads of like stuff on the outside, there's a roughage on the outside and you want warm butter and that's all you want for your bread. That's all I want. No olives specifically. No olives anywhere. I'll take a pretzel bread, too.

I don't know if that's a big thing in London, but pretzel bread is a good. If there's no hardy, chunky, seedy bread, I'll go with a pretzel bread, if that's an option. That is quite exciting. This is a very German, am I right in saying? No, I think you're right. Yeah, it feels German.

Because of Moe's coming out in you here. I don't know if Moe's would eat, I think Moe's would more eat like a plow, a proper plowman's lunch. You know, like he was a farmer. I think he's just taken a big chunk of sourdough and a big chunk of cheese and then quietly eating it alone somewhere

like in an outhouse on his farm. Or he would eat like, I think he would eat a pretzel, but if it was made out of jerky that was made out of like a balls in testing, I think he would have that. Yeah, venison jerky or something. Yeah, just some horrifying farm meat that he cured himself.

Yeah. Thank you for bringing up Moe's, by the way. It's very kind of you. I think about Moe's a lot. I think just that specific scene where I think people arrive in a car to the farm and Moe's just silently runs alongside the car is quite disturbing.

It really is, isn't it? Yeah, the way it was written in the script was the car pulls up the long driveway, suddenly Moe's appears out of nowhere and runs alongside it like a dog. That's it. Yes, that was the stage direction. Is it Nino's you want the pizza from?

Yeah. Because I was going to offer you two other places. OK. Do you want it from Alfredo's pizza or pizza by Alfredo? That's a deep cut. I told you this was going to happen and James said that he wouldn't do this. Don't worry, we had Martin Freeman on

and James spent the whole thing asking him to do his voice from Fargo. So this is actually going very well compared to that one. He didn't get it. It was clear that you wanted him to do the voice and he didn't understand that for a long time. Oh, he got it. I was thinking, he got that's what I wanted him to do

the whole time. My dream was not playing ball with the likes of me. Well, you kept saying like everyone else isn't good at it. You're the one who's good at it. Thank you. Thank you very much. But he just didn't take the bait over and over again. I was like, he's not going to do it, man. He's wily.

He's wily. But he got me to do it and I was pretty good about that. But yeah, I've watched him all again recently because my girlfriend hadn't seen them. So I watched them all during lockdown. So I've got these, you know, they're fresh. They're fresh in the head. Yeah, clearly.

Was it like the most watched show during 2020 or something? The office was, I think, the most watched show even before the pandemic. Like it was having this weird resurgence. Wow. And then the pandemic kicked it into overdrive. Like I got recognized as Moe, even with a mask on, I got recognized as Moe's more like in the last two or three

years than I had when the show was on. Like it was really a, I think that when everyone has to stay in their house and there's nothing to do, that show had 201 episodes or something like that. And I think it would just became the thing that was like a ritualistic like family way to pass time. It definitely kicked up a notch. I tried to show my kids the British version

and they were like, no, thank you. They did not like David Brent as much as Michael Scott, which I kind of get, you know, for a kid. Yeah. Adults, the adults love it, but. All the people in that version, they killed you. They don't do accents. If you ask them to, they're not very fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not very fun, are they? Wonderful. Ed, I've enjoyed all of these recorded clips so much. Me too, man. All these, me and you in the studio, the great Benito there, I guessed. It's done in a little private studio recording episodes.

Loads of fun, obviously. But also, every one again, we spanked the planks. I beg your pardon? We get on the stage. We tried the boards. Yeah, tread the boards, I think, is the phrase, not spank the planks. I think that's something different.

I think it's spank the planks. We just, for any tabloid to eliciting, me and James have never got together as spank the planks. We have in front of people. No. In front of many people, sold out crowd, watch us spank the planks together. We performed two live-off menu shows this year in London

and, of course, Montreal. Here's Chris Redd in Montreal and a load of absolute crazy folk at the Christmas dinner party in London. I like hard seltzer. Hard seltzers are fun. I've got into hard seltzer. Hard seltzers are fun because I like how I feel.

Yeah. That's a fun feeling, right? Yeah. Yeah. But that's a part, you know, that's a real part. La Croix? Fuck you. Don't like it.

Got too many flavors and they all suck. And the flavor's too slight as well. It's only just like a whisper of fruit in the background. And you're like, have some conviction. It's like you didn't put the fruit in there. You put the fruit by it. That's not the same thing. You introduced the fruit to it.

You're like, Mr. Raspberry, this is sparkling water. And goodbye, Mr. Raspberry. More bubbles, please. I'd like to hear more about this, Mr. Raspberry. Mr. Raspberry. Yeah. He's a good guy, Mr. Raspberry. Yeah, tell us more about Mr. Raspberry.

What kind of a person? What aspirations do they have? Mr. Raspberry. It's lovely of you to switch to they, just in case Mr. Raspberry's pronounced with it. You never know where Mr. Raspberry's going to be. Well, he goes with Mr. so I think we can assume he him. But he's good.

Broadly very nice, but also he fucking hates Mr. Strawberry. He hates Mr. Strawberry. Because Mr. Strawberry's had the lime life for too long. I mean, I've said lime now, that's confusing. Mr. Strawberry's a bad bitch. I will say that. She holds it down. She stays grounded, you know.

But half the year, Mrs. Strawberry does not taste nice. Nah, man, she's in a bad mood. You ever had Mrs. Strawberry when she ain't right? I asked you that, like I was going to say more. And I just thought about it in my head. I'm like, oh, that wasn't it. But yeah, that's it. Yeah, she's not good.

But Mr. Raspberry, he knows his time's coming, I think. Yeah. Are we Raspberry fans in the house? I mean, what do you even use a raspberry for? Jam, cheesecake. Someone said cheesecake. It's so funny, I knew I was joking. I was laughing and she looked like, oh, oh, oh.

It is serious stuff. I don't like the little hairs on raspberries, though. Like little hairs on little hairs. I don't like that. That's creepy. I shaved my raspberries. Natural. This whole thing.

Yeah. I'm making them ask me to feel like they have to shave. It's not cool, man. But I also don't like raspberry going through puberty in front of my face. In front of your face? Yeah. It is as though it's proper like there's

like teenage stubble on a raspberry, isn't it? You want it to grow like a proper beard. Oh, this is getting disgusting. This is disgusting. Yeah, you sound like a pedophile. Man. I didn't even know you could be that crude. Well, I love my scallops this specific way.

Sounds. Sounds bad. I've honestly ignored raspberries like pretty much my whole life. Yeah. It's all. But now we've personified the raspberry. There's real emotion here.

She's going to go to the grocery store like, I love you. Man, are you going to buy those? No. Would you not buy a punnit of raspberries? He wouldn't go and buy a punnit. What? Yeah. As soon as you said that, I was like,

I can't really even imagine Chris Redd saying one punnit of raspberries, please. Yo, let me get one punnit, man. I said punnit. Let me get your manager, dog. So I'm in here trying to get one punnit, right? And this nigga talking shit. And the raspberry is getting old.

She's cuddling them. Get me a punnit. I'm going to use it today. Yeah. Just a box of raspberries, basically. Yeah, just a box of raspberries. Yeah, I figured my context blew. But I was going to.

No, I was stupid for a very long time. And I had smart friends, and they would say shit. I was like, mm-hmm. And in my head, you have to deduce. I think that's the right word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Deduce is so close to do-do.

And so you don't know. Anyway. So you wouldn't buy a punnit of raspberries. No, but I buy a punnit of grape stuff. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. That's a good punnit food.

Yeah, I like a little punnit of grape, little punnit of strawberries. How quickly would you go through a punnit of grapes? Oh, shit. Yeah. 20 minutes. Wow. I eat grapes.

I mean, I eat fruit all the time. I like it. Well, how quick would you go for a punnit of strawberries? Let's say you go to a food fair. And there's a load of different, like, huh? Do you mean a supermarket? No, no. No, no.

So you mean a supermarket outside? No, no. You got a county fair where there's, like, there's loads of different stuff happening. There's, like, a guy on a dunk tank. Do you think Chris is from Oklahoma? A dunk tank? Yeah, like, on a stall, and they throw the ball,

and it hits the thing, and then they go to the water. Oh, like a carnival. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're, like, it's like a more tweak, quite whimsical version, like a food fair. And there's some food eating contests, and they're all punnit-based. And are you going to enter, do you fancy your chances more

in the punnit of grapes eating contest or a punnit of strawberries eating contest, which are you going to enter? I don't know why you doubt my questions before I get to the end of them. No idea. They're great questions. It's a great question.

It's a very fun question. Go on, Chris. I would do a punnit of strawberries. If you could eat them quicker. Yeah, probably so. If you were racing through the strawberries, would you eat the green bit to save time? If I had to, but I'd be fighting not to though.

Yeah. But because you could just grab them quick, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. How big are these strawberries, though? Are they, like, the monster strawberries? Well, it depends what time of year it is. It depends what mood Mrs. Strawberries in, right?

That's true. It's summer time. Later in the year, when they're out of season, I think they're probably a bit bigger and a bit more watery. Yeah. But then you want the sort of small, intense, sweet ones to just...

Those are great. Yeah. I like those a lot. The other, the big ones look like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle experiment that went wrong. Yeah, yeah. It's, like, started growing on arms.

I was like, never mind. But do you want, for your dream meal, will, as your weight at the Go Free Kids, nice guy, if it's a dream meal, do you want the best weight you've ever had? Will. No. I want Will to have a day off with his family.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Don't get that many. That warms the heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I do want to weight him, motherfucker, but, like, not Will. Not Will.

Yeah. That's nice. Because if it's my dream meal, I don't really give a fuck about the waiter. Yeah. I'm about to eat. You know that? But you do specifically want Will to have a nice day

off with his family while you're having the meal. Absolutely. Yeah. So, as you're having the oysters, what are you imagining Will's doing? Well, he was a stout white man, so I think he was running through a field with his golden retrievers, three kids.

Benjamin, Ben, Stacey, and his lovely wives on a blanket. Checkered. You know what I mean? A checkered blanket. A good blanket. Yeah, she has wine and sippy cup. Stacey's three.

I haven't thought about this at all. The kids are called Benjamin Ben. But that's short for Benito, I believe. It is short for Benito. Yeah. Benjamin Ben and Stacey. The three white names you can think of, Benjamin Ben and Stacey.

And the two Ben's that I'm thinking of are black, so that's great. And they're frolicking, man. They're frolicking. It seems like he has a frolic in family, dog. You ever seen a family? We're like, they frolic. No?

Your mother fuckers frolic. If they had some grass in space, they'd frolic their ass off. Yeah. The Von Traps, they were very frolicy. The Von Traps. They sound like they frolic. Yeah, yeah, they frolic.

Not the Adams family. No. They're not frolicy. They look at people frolic like, y'all gonna be dead soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you frolic, Chris? Nigga, what?

You heard, you heard what I said. No, I wouldn't even know where to begin. So, if we put you in a field. Yeah. Which you shouldn't, because there's a history of that. James, you're gonna have to take over for the rest of the episode. You're welcome, Martin Luther King. I do.

If you didn't say it, I would have, Chris. If I saw a field, I just don't know what would, I need to be inspired. And I don't know what could happen in my life that would make me frolic. Yeah. What do you mean? Like, maybe, would you frolic through a shopping mall? No.

But I guess you need other people there to frolic, right? You can't solo frolic. You can't solo frolic, you know what I mean? It's not like a fucking tree that falls in the woods or whatever the fuck they're saying. You got to frolic with a squad, I think. I don't know much about frolicy, though. Do you have a dream frolic squad?

Ah, give us your frolic squad. All right. So if I was frolicing, right, I'd show up to the field. It abends with Ben and Benjamin. They're grown now. So they be there at Tupac's there, right? Yeah. Yeah, he's like, yo, what we doing?

I'm like frolicing. He's like, all right. He's very down. Yeah. Dr. Dre's there somewhere. Somewhere. Yeah, we pick him up along the way. We get to frolicing because I want it to be an adventure.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. So it's like, we all starts me, Tupac, Ben, Benjamin, a couple of chicks from Jay-Z's big pimping video. In Madonna. Is Dre frolicing or are you just like, are you going to just frolic about Dre?

Dre's doing it. You ever had a friend that's like hanging out with you while y'all doing an activity, but they ain't all the way into it? That's what Dre doing. Yeah. He's like, we're frolicing. He's just like, y'all niggas stupid.

You know, walking behind. But he's still into it. Yeah. Picking flowers, smelling butterflies. But just to be clear, you would frolic just about Dre. No, no, no, no. We would frolic. We're frolicing down a fucking field.

We're going on a mission. You know what I mean? So Dre's coming with us. Yeah. But like... I feel like... Nowadays... Yeah.

Yeah. Everybody want to talk. Like... They got something to say. But nothing comes... Would you frolic about Dre? Would I frolic about him? Yeah.

Just about in the vicinity of Dre. Oh, you'd like to collect him? Just about... I mean, I guess for a second, we frolic about. I guess you got to... If you're frolicing and you see somebody in your frolic path, you got to frolic around and like, can't join us. You know?

Yeah. But if you do it for too long, it feels aggressive, right? Yeah. If you do it for like around someone, it feels a bit much. Yeah. Dre's big. I feel like if we do it for too long, he just knock us all out. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was before... A second. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a good frolic squad.

Yeah? Yeah. That's a really strong frolic squad. You know, I think so too. Yeah. And Joe Biden, because I would like to see people... You know, I would like to see people seeing him frolic. I think that would fucking shock the world, though.

Yeah. They'd be like, you know what? We don't even need to fix these other problems. But how quickly would he fall over if you guys were... He'd go down. Then you got to be careful with that. You're playing with fire. I think it's either or a situation, baby.

I think he's either falling or he's frolic. He's just killing that shit. We're like, what? That's my president. Nah, he'll be asleep. So you've got a granddad at your Christmas party. Yeah. That's false.

You need one, don't you? Yeah. I've always needed a nice granddad at the Christmas party. You just want me to snarl? Yeah, you could. You're just here to provide some sort of audio atmosphere, Bob, to be honest. Is that what your Christmas party is usually like, Bob? Yeah, just watching old men snore.

Go round the backs of houses. Look through the windows. Yeah. Tick it off. A ginger. War vet. Yeah. Whatever.

Yeah. Those old guys can snore. I can. I could. They're very good snores. I thought that I was going to be doing, like, a Christmas menu, but that's not... No, unless you want to talk about your Christmas menu. But there's so many memories from the episode that you did that people would want updates on.

I would love to know how many Odian cinema hot dogs you've eaten since we last saw you. I haven't been to Odian. Oh, no. But my son, Ari, found... Is there a supermarket in London called Farm Press or something? Farm Press, yeah. Whole Foods, Whole Foods. That's very different to Farm Press, though, I'll be honest with you.

You've literally picked the two opposite ends of the spectrum, though. I'm guessing Farm Foods is... Yeah, Farm Foods are not great, I'd say. Whole Foods is the most expensive supermarket in the country. You can't get snobby about these things. Do you spend much time in B&M? What's that? What a shot, ladies and gentlemen.

No, innit? You know what? You go into B&M. B&M. B&M, James. And you discover that they do orange DMs. Diams? Oh, Diams.

Yeah, Diams. Oh, yeah. Diams. I'd go with Diams. Diams. Diams. But we had this when Bob was on the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They spell the ones that you see a D-A-I-M. Do I see different ones? It's like how cats see in black and white, you know, we're all... Well, maybe they're available anyway, but I had my first Nando's tonight. Yeah. Thank you. This is good news. I've just had it.

I understand what the fuss is about. Was it nice? Juicy. Juicy. Yeah. One. Yeah. Yeah, and it's quite tart.

You know, spicy. Yeah. And the chips are pretty good, aren't they? Yeah, good chips. But when I asked you what you were ordering from Nando's, what did you say, Bob? A number two. The second Nando's of the evening. I've got you two later.

No, there's always a queue when a blue water, when I go blue water. Oh, yeah, a blue water Nando. So I understand now. Yeah. I've got a Toby Calvary gold card. Did I tell you that? No. No, you didn't.

You didn't tell us that, and congratulations on being alive still. On being alive. On being alive. Anyone has a Toby Calvary gold card? That's a one-way ticket to the morse. Does that mean... What does that mean? Because it's already unlimited salad.

Does that mean free Toby Calvary? Free up to £100. Only... But that's a month. Oh, okay. £100 a month. It's not quite the gold card, you know, but... So you've got a voucher, Bob.

Yeah. Yeah. How much are you paying for it? I've got a hard voucher. A small, hard voucher. So, yeah. If you're using the gold card, how do you hit up Toby Calvary? What's your route round the Toby Calvary?

Well, go to the Calvary. No, sorry. I'm not being facetious. No, no, no, no. No, but what are you having? What are you picking up from the Calvary? Well, if you get two meats, you get four slices of meat. If you get three meats, you get three.

So that's just a little tip if you're a Toby Calvary. So you should always go for two meats. Toby jugs out there. And a large plate. Get the Oxford in. And then onto the gravy station. For shop prayer. Before dining.

Don't eat too long. Wait. Wait. No. No. Back to the meat. Yes. So you're saying two meats are four.

Four slices. That takes two slices. Of three. Of three. That's nine. No. No. You've willfully misunderstood that, Rosie.

No. You were listening to the overestimated of the Toby Calvary there. Why? Also, clearly what was happening was you were listening and then you started looking at the crisps. So you got distracted. Two meats is four slices in total.

Am I correct, Bob? Two slices of each meat. Not you, man. Yeah. Yeah. What did I say? You thought, Bob, man, that if you get two meats, you get two of each meat.

If you get three meats, you get three of each meat. And you were looking at all of us like, why do you think that's a better deal? Basically, I want nine slices. Is there a way you can get nine slices, Bob? Other nine meats. Yeah? Do you reckon that one?

We asked a big question. I mean, it's huge. It's a huge question. Bob, how many meats can you name? Now you've misunderstood your own question. How many meats can you name? What's this? No one said there were nine meats.

It was saying three meats. Three. But please, I'd love us to name nine meats. Let's see if Bob can do it. I think we're caught. Is it full of meats? Do you include the offals? Can you slice offal?

You slice liver, for sure. Yeah? Wait, how are we delineating this? Are we delineating it by animal or by cut of meat? No, I have to be animal. By animal. While we're on offal, Bob, you talked about tongue quite a lot

off menu episodes. Yeah, I do like hockstone, yeah. And a butcher sent me a tongue. Right. You're lucky, lad. Off the back of that. I'm a real influencer now. I've got a massive tongue through the post.

It's a very sad story, actually. A butcher kidnapped Ted's wife. It's still in the freezer. Yeah. Good luck to her. So nine meats. Well, there is, isn't there? Well, I don't know.

Not unless you name them. How many do you think you could name? The chicken meat. Chicken meat. Always follow it with meat. Yeah. Just in case. Your luncheon meat?

Second. Second one. Bob, really. Luncheon meat, second. Chicken to luncheon. This is unorthodox. What animal is luncheon? Luncheon's the pig.

Pig meat. So are we going to say pork? Pork, yeah. Pork meat. Are we saying, is that separate to luncheon meat? Well, if you're not giving it, I'm fine with that. It's a tin meat. Other nine tin meats.

Pork, pig. No, they're the same. Sorry, I feel like... Yeah, the old pork pig. Yeah, pork pig. Pork pig hog. I think that... Right into the mic.

Right into the mic, is it? Anyone else? We're having a game of pork pig hog here. If you don't mind. Chicken, you've got pork and chicken so far. Oh, we're going to head with this. Yes. We're playing nine meats.

Chicken, cow, pig, lamb. Lamb and sheep? Similar, very similar. Nisha, at least. Listen, the lamb is a young sheep, so I don't understand the parameters of the game, but I'm going to hazard a guess. Well, it's nine meats.

They're not going to allow lamb and sheep. No, mutton. Are you going to go mutton? Nisha, can you name nine animals that you can slice? That's essentially it, yeah. Would you ever go up to a horse? Perhaps not a horse. Go up to a horse.

Give it a stroke and then bite a chunk of the meat of it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm done. Yeah. Let's stop talking about meat. Well, unless you want to talk about processed meats. Or pocket meats. I won processed meats Man of the Year last year.

I've got a trophy and everything came to the polls. What's it made of? For advocating processed meat. I suppose because of your podcast. Right, so you won an award because of the pod because you advocated for processed meats. Yeah. And then you won Process Meat Man of the Year.

Yeah. It's rather beautiful trophy, actually. Yeah. Yeah. Bob, to be fair, take that as a huge compliment, but I think you have talked about pocket meats on various platforms. Yeah, but a pocket meat's not necessarily a processed meat.

The finest pocket meat is a chicken. Or a sliced ham. Of course. Pepper Army and the like are the easiest. Yeah. But you know, gold the extra mile. Those are top pocket meats. Yeah.

Or the little coin pocket. Yeah. Yeah. Pepper Army's nice inside pocket. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's an IPM if I've ever heard one. The 9pm sausage. That's an IPM and inside pocket meat.

I've immediately created an acronym for my own amusement there, Bob. I thought you said 9pm meat. What? It is the perfect 9pm meat, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's 9pm somewhere.

Have a little nibble. It could become a habit. Yeah. Watch out. Well, that's good you won that trophy. It is good. I'm very proud of you for doing that. Didn't this come last in that when you won it?

Why would I come last? When Bob won? The person who was least educated. Oh, you're making a taskmaster dig. Oh, sorry. Was I? Did you come last in Taskmaster? Yeah, I came last in your taskmaster.

Oh, God. Oh, no. Nish Kumar. I didn't know you'd come last. Bob doesn't even remember that Nish was on the series. The Willys Pie of Taskmaster. Nish Kumar. Every time Nish's task came on,

cut to Bob, he's eating a pepper army out of his inside pocket. It's 9pm somewhere. I came last and that's why James is getting a dig in. I'm just asking if Nish came last in the process meat competition. Do I look at my body type? Do I look like I would come last in a process meat competition, James? I'd come a creditable silver and be honored to follow Bob Mortimer. He obviously was just comedians who won that award.

Was there a ceremony? No, it literally just came through the post. There was no heads up. As far as I hope you're going to photograph it, photograph it, and give them publicity process meats. But it's just generic. It wouldn't mean any particular meat of process meat. Shouldn't eat processed anything, should you really?

Don't talk like they're going to take the trophy away. I think you should only eat processed meats. Tomorrow I will knock on Bob's door. Thank you. Bob, is it good to be a live son? Yeah, you've asked that of your oldest guest. It's appropriate. It's what you like to say to your son when you mix the mustard and the ketchup sauce.

You mix the mustard and the ketchup sauce from the Odin Cinema Hot Dog and you say it's good to be a live son. I'd imagine if Bob didn't remember that, that was a very harsh thing to say. Yeah, I mean, I was mortified when I saw the look in your eyes. Quite a lot of sadness there. And you made it go so quiet as well. Bob, is it good to be alive? I felt like I was counting every day, you know.

I was saying, just to finish that off, but whole foods. Is it whole foods? Sorry, yes. You've got a replica of a Hot Dog sausage that is as good as German and it is as good as the Odin one I reckon. Because I haven't been to the cinema since Off Menu. Have you not? Not been, no.

Is that because you discovered podcasts and don't need films anymore? I don't know why I haven't been really. I stopped during the pandemic and my son's left home. I know there's no water in tumbridge wells at the moment. I've been off for five days. What? No. No water.

Five days. So yeah, when you say I'm a god to be alive, I'm not so sure. I could go either way on that. Oh, Bob, I didn't know things were that bad. So no one's letting you swell their Hot Dog a mustard if you've got no water in tumbridge wells? Got no water? I'm not using mustard instead.

Is that what you mean? If you had to use a condiment to wash it. Great question. You've got to pick one condiment to wash in. Maybe for the rest of your life. Am I washing my entire body, your face? Your entire body, your face and everything below. My teal.

And everything behind the face. And you can't avoid anything. What's behind your face, James? Your mind? Is that what you're thinking? Back of the skull. Back of the skull. All the way down.

I like that that was the deal breaker in your mind. Before you start trying to get out of it, back of the head as well. Is it that easy? Is it easy for you? What condiment you're washing? Hold your answer, Rosie. Bob, which condiment would you wash your full body with

and you're not allowed to avoid any bits of your body? Well, the first thing I thought of, I'd probably select it is white vinegar. What are you going to say? I think. Would you, Rosie? Yeah. That is so easy.

I'd go for vinegar because you get a little tingles. You would, especially around the anus. Yeah. Yeah. You'd be like, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please. Oh.

I can't think of another liquid condiment. Soy sauce. Capture mustard. Oh, yeah. There was a try just for their loss. Wasabi. Oh, yeah. Yeah, if you want a bit of a tingle.

I'll send you to the moon. I think Dijon mustard would be quite exfoliating. Yeah, that's true. Do you mean whole grain? Whole grain, sorry. Yeah, the whole grain, yeah. Well done on picking that up actually. Yeah, no problem.

I do everything with a tartar sauce. Why? Well, no. Apologies. I do my whole lower body in tartar sauce. I could feel like a merman. In tartar sauce? What?

What? What, you think fish like being slathered in tartar sauce? What are you thinking about? My bottom half's covered in tartar sauce. I'd feel like a fish. But if my top half isn't, I'd feel like a man. And so, top half of a man, bottom half fish, Google it, I'm a merman.

I think that's right. Google it. Google, what is bottom half fish, top half man? I'll do it in the interval on private browsing. Bob, do you remember when we were talking about hot dogs and chocolate bars? We talked a lot about chocolate bars when you were on as well. The Dayum bar was only one of the chocolate bars mentioned.

Do you remember your dream fantasy crossover between hot dogs and chocolate? That was Mars bar and sausage in baguette. Is this common? Do you know they cancelled the topic a couple of months ago? Bloody cancel culture, again. It's a great biscuit, not made anymore. This year.

There you go, anyway. How often were you having a topic? Not often enough, very neglected. I think the most underrated chocolate bar is the time out. What do you reckon? Yeah, I would say... It's a decent bar. It's a decent bar.

I mean, I think lion bars are pretty underrated. I think they're quite good and don't get enough double-deckers. Yeah. Not a lot for the double-deckers. Sorry, I think they're the two worst. I'm not just being... They're a virgin on the savory, they're difficult. Savory?

They're in the toffee crisp area, you know? Oh, yeah, maybe you said toffee crisp with savoury. But you know, like, a topic is a real indulgence or a caramel, Cadbury's caramel. Delicious. In it, though. Oh, you know, compared to a double-decker. Yeah, something to get your teeth into.

Do you know who did the voice of the caramel bunny in the advert? So the sexy caramel bunny back in the den? Maybe a Margolies. Wow. I did the Churchill dog. Yeah. But you can't eat. Yeah.

It's not a... No, you can't eat it. Oh, yeah. That was it. I did that. I've never known you as a competitive man, Bob, but the speed with which you followed up, I did the Churchill dog. Well, I did the Churchill dog.

It's true. Do you remember the caramel advert where the bunny said, never let anyone fuck you up the ass? You have to have heard the Mimmy and Margolies episode of the podcast to understand that. Don't worry, Bob. Mimmy and Margolies came on the podcast and her golden rules for life were...

Don't let the sun go down on her argument. Don't let the sun go down on her argument and never let anyone fuck you up the bum. Do you have golden rules for life, Bob? Rules for life. Golden rules for life. Golden. Golden rules for life.

Shit. Yeah, imagine... Yeah, I think that it's important that when you're living with other people that you stay very quiet whilst they're asleep. Yeah. I hate... You know, people wandering around and putting...

Yeah. You know, if someone's still asleep, just keep quiet. I like to turn up on time and all. And I like those two because the two things that you'll never get thanked for... Do you know what I mean? You're not doing it for the thank you. You don't...

When they get up, you don't say to them, I kept quiet from inside a trunk. You know, I think that's one of the nice things to do. They're very nice things to do. How do you stay... Do you have any tips for staying quiet while other people are asleep? Do you have any techniques? Oh, yeah.

When you're at the window... Just put couch stuff... You do... As you get older, you'll find you do stare a lot more. But you don't necessarily see more. Do you know? You're just staring. And if someone said,

what did you say? Not so sure. Where the youngster can take it in. Yes, you'd look out at that and say, Robin Bird in the oak trees beginning to... Yeah, done. That's a spot on impression. Yeah.

That's Robin in the window. That's Nisha in the window all over. Robin, oak tree, Rosie Jones honking a tit. Just like that immediately. As soon as you said it, beer down, bam, back to a beer. And then you pushed her over. I did not!

Disgraceful. Horshid. Disgraceful. Off of the right of that oak tree. This is so weird, because actually my golden rule is always fuck a million margillie up the arse.

That's your vote? Yeah. Always is the horrifying word in that sense, isn't it? I'm assuming you mean anytime whenever you get the chance to have sex with a million margillie, it's not just always. Where's Rosie?

Take a guess. You know where she is. Yeah, always. I love Acastor trying to give her a way out of it. Always fuck a million margillie up the arse. Also breaks two of Bob's golden rules. Rosie's late, she's fucking a million margillie up the arse.

Miriam's trying to sleep. Yeah, but unfortunately Bob, I am quite noisy. If you lived with Rosie, Bob, if you lived with Rosie, would you rather live with Alan Sugar or Alan Shearer?

Share a flat for six months. Oh, that is great. Shearer, not even hesitation. Shearer seems like a decent bloke. Sugar seems like an absolute nightmare. That's a bad one. I think it would have to be Shearer, wouldn't it? You've got to be Shearer.

I'll go Sugar. You'll go Sugar. Ed, you're diabetic. It's one of the only sugars I don't have to inject for. A couple of big dicks in the flat. Yeah, Shearer, I reckon. Shearer, I am. It's a bad one.

I usually ask it with daytime presenters. Yeah. Do you know, like, Martin from Ones Under the Hammer? Yeah, yeah. That's a bad one, because everyone just says yes. Yes, sure. Before you get to the second.

Martin, eh? I was just saying, you know, what's happened? He's gone off the rails, is he? I don't know. I'm genuinely mean that. What has happened? I haven't been keeping up with Martin's

goings on. I have chestnuts at Christmas, just so that I could say one thing. Do people still have them? Did people still have chestnuts at Christmas? They're delicious, aren't they? It's getting hard, though, to get... At the moment, the ratio I'm getting

is about one good one out of every four. It's tough, isn't it? Because the bad ones taste like shit. They really don't. Do you ever buy them off the street vendors? You know, the Chesumut street vendors. I never go into the street. I'm either in my house or on Parkland.

That's one of my rules. The third rule. That's what we're all waiting for. Never be on the street. I don't understand the streets anymore, so it's best to keep away. What's changed on the streets since back in your day?

I wouldn't know, James, because I've not been on the streets. Do you remember what it was that made you go, I can't be on the streets anymore? Bloody Chesumut sellers. They're big fat asses. I couldn't handle it. There's not much to see anymore.

There used to be so much to see on the streets. Kids with hoops. Kicking a ball around, playing rounders. Bunting everywhere. It's all gone. It's all gone now. Hello, Tim. Hello, James.

What's in the back? Pop-a-doms. How many pop-a-doms did you get? Ten. Do you want to guess how much they cost? Oh, that's a good game. Good game. We'll just guess then.

$4.99. What? What? $4.99 for seven. What the fuck are you talking about? So in the curry house I go to, I'll tell you what, I'll do nine of them for 50 beer please.

I'll tell you what, I'll throw in a 10 for 49. I thought you got them for Mark's Suspense or something. Well, I think anything. Good point. 250. Can I jump in and say something for this podcast, because I love it dearly,

and I think there's a genuine love of food and food curiosity. I know what you're going to say. And for this audience, may I just say one thing? Yes. For the people listening to this, it's fine if you want to call them pop-a-doms.

I don't mind. I think it's fine, because that is the English word. Can we have an alternative? No, not the alternative, the correct. So for those of you who are like, oh, I like this food so much, I eat pop-a-doms all the time,

just do yourself a favor and call them the real thing, you know. It's pop-a-d. P-A-P-A-D. It's just pop-a-d. And you can't say it because that's a sound only South Asians can make, but just say pop-a-d.

Because here's the thing, when I see British people love pop-a-d, and then they say pop-a-dom, and I'm like, oh, because I feel bad for them. So just everyone on this podcast, just say pop-a-d, or in your head, just think it's pop-a-dom, but I know it's pop-a-d.

I want to be honest with you, you said this when you came on the podcast, and it was too late to change the catchphrase. And then we went to America, and no one understood what the fuck we were saying anyway. But that's America, they don't understand, fuck all. Fuck them.

Fuck them. They don't understand. They don't even understand who to get for president, they got that lunatic. Fuck them. Just, it's pop-a-d. I like Joe Biden, yeah. It's pop-a-d.

Wait, so we added on the dom. No, first of all, you put an O in it, pop. Pop-a-dom. It's like what? It's like, it's like if I call bread, bada boda. Bread is not boda boda. It's bread.

What's the old thread? How about this? How about this? How about this, James? There's no downsides. How about you just fucking do it? Where's the downsides? Pop-a-d or bread.

Yeah, pop-a-d. Perfect. But what if I said pop-a-d or bada bada? Yeah, fine. But you know what? I just want to make it very clear. I'm saying this from a place of true, sort of love for people who love food.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Like my kids make fun of me. So when you speak to your Italian friend, instead of calling him Lorenzo, you're like Lorenzo. They make fun of me. And I'm not asking you to be that weird guy.

I'm just saying, for us who know, just say pop-a-dom. There's no downsides. I'll tell you what. Or start calling bread bada bada. Okay, but I would feel like a total dick in an Indian restaurant. If I look to the menu that says pop-a-dom,

and look at the waiter and go, three pop-a-d please. No, because you know what? An Indian guy is going to be thinking, hella fucking Luya. Finally, somebody. Well, I promise you, Cindy, this is a promise now.

We've recorded quite a few episodes for the next series. But the next episode we record, I will say pop-a-dom bread to them. Oh, shout that. Great. And we will see how it goes. You will see how it goes.

I promise you I will do it in the next episode. And we will see how it goes. Because saying a word the way that it's supposed to be said, and it's not your language, is not always something that's done with an intention outside of love for that thing, you know? And I think we know you love pop-a-dom.

Yes. So say it pop-a-dom. And that's fine. And anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off. Anyway, that's what I brought along. Can I just jump in on behalf of Zimbabwe? Oh. You know when you say still or sparkling?

No. Oh, Jesus Christ. Just call it what it is, yeah? Still. And then as Zimbabwe's would say, maniac water. Maniac water. Maniac water.

I'll do that. You have my word. The next episode we record. This is genuinely like a Christmas party now. Do you want to add in your culture? I would like to add something from my culture, Jesus. Yeah. When you say starter,

we tend to say hors d'oeuvres. All fucking dervres. There's no downside. Just get it fucking right. Yeah. Welcome to the show, Tim. Thanks for having me. For a minute there,

it felt like you genuinely turned up to a Christmas party late and you just stood in the corner with your first drink while people had an argument. For two and a half hours. Do you like Christmas, Tim? Yeah. What's your problem with Christmas? Huh?

What's your problem with Christmas? No problem, no problem. Can we unveil the pop-up? What, unveil? Unveil them. Unveil. Yes. But Ed, do you like Christmas?

I love Christmas. Yeah. I never got asked that. I'm about to get to you. Relax. I'll be honest, there wasn't much of a fucking gap in your bit. Yeah.

Do you like Christmas? Yeah. Yeah, do you like Christmas? It's okay. It's okay. Good. But we all are on the okay side of Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good. I love it. Yeah, I like Christmas. Tim, what bag did you bring your Pop-A-Roms in there? The paper bag. That says JoJo Mamann Bebe. Yeah. So just in case anyone doesn't know what that shop is,

it's Maternity Baby and Child Nursery and Toys. They sell Pop-A-Roms? What's the story behind that bag, Tim? What you got that bag for me? It's also very dirty on the bottom. Yeah. Okay. Very dirty on the bottom.

Like a baby. So it's basically a case of where to get the bag and explain the dirt. Yeah. And rather than constructing my menu this time. Oh yeah, no menu. No menu this time. No menu this time. Oh, I bought a Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

You know, what's it called? A baby grove. A baby grove, yeah. Yeah, for my good daughter, Esther. Lovely. Yeah. That's quite sweet. How did that get so dirty?

And then I, oh yeah, I wiped my ass and scraped it on the bottom. That's my humour. That's perfect stuff from you. Perfect. Now Tim, you brought the papad because, okay. Fantastic. Because it was a big chat. The craze that was spreading the nation.

Yeah. Shall I be mother? Oh yeah. Yeah. The fans of Shall I Be Mother. Look, you said it was a fan favourite and it truly is a fan favourite. Do I explain Shall I Be Mother to the people who haven't heard the episode? Weirdly, no I don't.

Because when you made up a Shall I Be Mother, it had nothing to do with me. You pinned it onto me, James. You two hatched a plan to make me be a person who says Shall I Be Mother and karate chops popadoms. But in actual real life, I don't do that. I think it sounds like exactly the kind of thing you would do. Oh, it fits in. I'm not saying it doesn't fit in, but I don't do it.

That's like someone being arrested for murder and then they go, did you do this one? Actually, they might have done, but you know, you've got to do the research. Research? Research. Detective work. Yeah. But then it's not true. Yeah, when I've listened back to it, you are the one.

You've listened back to it. Yeah. Wowee. Yours? Bit sad. Yours I listened back to, Tim. You listened back. Fun favourite.

Do you have listening parties? I think you'll start to believe you're in hype. You are the one who brings up Shall I Be Mother as a phrase. No, no, no, no. No, I'm pointing at James there. Ah, right. Look at people when they're talking to you, Tim. Yeah, I bring it up and I genuinely in the moment believe that Tim would have said it.

Yes. That's not in dispute. So, I think it was fine to say you said it. I think it was fine to say that I once saw you karate chop a popper off and say Shall I Be Mother? Popper. Here's the question, Tim. I found that look there.

Since the podcast. Since the podcast. Do you want me to help, Sindhu? No. Pass it here. Pass it here. I can sort this. I see what you did to that bag.

Right. No, I'm not going to do that. Pass it here. Pass it here. All right. You stake Popper off an Indian woman and say Shall I Help? I will do it. I will do it.

That's called colonisation. No. I'm not colonising you. You come here. I can sort that out. I promise I'm not colonising you. What I'm doing is I'm just saying Shall I Be Mother? Shall I Be Mother?

Just so everyone knows. Just so everyone knows. In 1757 when the British showed up they said we're not colonising you and then they did that. That's what happened. 57. Is it 57? 1757 battle of plastic.

1757 battle of plastic. That's when it started. I believe they said Shall I Be Mother? Yeah. And they said Shall I Be Mother? Wow. Three minutes to six. There was a lot of chat about your favourite Indian restaurant.

Favourite Indian restaurant? Yeah. And you would not reveal the name on the podcast. Yeah. If you announce it here tonight. Because. We will delete. We will bleep it on the actual podcast.

Perfect. And you would not reveal the name on the podcast. If you announce it here tonight. Because. We will delete. We will bleep it on the actual podcast. Perfect. But these people will hear it.

Will you reveal? Yeah. You're definitely going to bleep it. We will bleep it on the actual podcast. We will bleep it. But. So these guys can go? Yeah.

It's a mere 2,500 people. They're not all going to go. Okay. So we're going to get the name out there. I like going to this place. Yeah. It's really busy. Yeah.

You can't just invite 18,000 people. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. There's 18,000 people. Come here. Have you been to this place? You've not told me the name of it. Yeah. Who's the name of it?

Okay. Are you gonna bleep it? We'll bleep it. We'll bleep it. It's an Indian restaurant. It's the best Indian restaurant in London. Sometimes they have a Satar player. It's fantastic.

Oh, no. It's alright. It's alright. Sydney's not going. So it's 17,999 now. So you're all right. Yeah. It's fantastic. The guy who runs it is is phenomenal and you know, he's he's it always gets us in there

If you are gonna go go but go You know gently You can't you can't say a restaurant's fantastic because the owner always gets you in there That's the basics of a restaurant. I think Do you want to know it or not? Yes Missala zone Fuck off Tim don't do this to me. I do need to know I know it is. Yeah, it's nice in that. Oh, yeah, just whisper to each other now

He knows I Just wanted to nod. Well, I did not I did my acting Been in any fun lifts lately, Tim Yeah It's income on the podcast. He went on a lift that what was it called? Paternoster lift. Oh, yes I Telling these guys these twice don't have a fucking clue. I've seen it. Yeah Ever seen anyone pull a neck or a lot of a JoJo mama bag

Have you been on it 100% and it's so dangerous. I love 100% so dangerous Because there's no mechanism. There's no emergency stop So if you're if you happen to have very long legs big happen and one leg goes on and keeps going up It can be broken between the wall and the lift Oh, you can get men on that list awesome to explain it to you. Sorry. Sorry. Is this an elevator? Yeah Well, why are your legs going up and down? That's only half the story No, but why are your legs going because you might you might go there's a lift and you put one leg you Wait, you might say there's a lift and put one leg. What are you doing?

You have to step into it just in case anyone was the definition of optimism But he so just appeared at the door and said there's five minutes left Okay, no, so is this a lift in a building? Yeah, always in the building. Okay, so this is a lift So this is this is a lift in a building in Sheffield and Somehow to organize yourself to get inside you need to use your leg You won't be afraid that money didn't use was step into the lift. Yeah Oh, so you need to step into the lift most journey start with a single step. Dude, I get that

But why do your long legs matter? Why do your long legs matter? This is a lift that is too two sort of cubicles elevators Yeah, constantly rotating on a belt system. Oh Thank you, it goes round and round and round and you need to step in at the right point when it goes past your Floor and get off at the right point and the reason it's more easy to talk people is as a short person if my leg goes in first Generally, there's not enough of it some whole body goes in with it as a tall person Fragments of your leg can go in fragments of my fucking legs. I have extremely long Fragments of my leg into anything

You know Cindy's body follows her legs Yeah, but your whole leg went ahead because I was doing an impression of the exact thing you're talking about I've been in it and survived so you can't tell me, you know how to survive it This put this put you survive nuts with a nut allergy. You're amazing And may I ask you a question money? Yeah In your Paternoster career, why were you there by the way, did you study in Sheffield? Study psychology, right? Yeah, what? Psychology

Would you major in yourself? You're like a Batman villain who took on too much of his patience I think you're a really nice chat show host. Yeah, thank you Were you in the art style of them all the time? Yeah, sure. That was my thrills My sir, I mean when you're a student you're broke. Yeah, you talk about struggle meals. There was days I was going back. Yeah, I remember I told you a porridge with them to that's sorry Thanks for leaning around Tim's fully turn this back to me even though I'm one of the hosts of this Anyway, I've been in that lift because it's an easy thrill. Yeah, it's lovely thrill. It's an easy thrill

It's an easy thrill if your legs don't follow your body and fragments of them have to follow away and if you're short you go Head first. Yes, it's an easy thrill if you can get all of the fragments on exactly. It's an easy thrill if you're slinky. I Don't know what happened if you put a slinky on a Paternoster This is the Christmas dinner party off menu. Yeah, and it really now feels like the end of an actual Christmas dinner party Except for the fact two and a half thousand people sat in front of us and we are all going I Guess my problem with that. Hmm Ed is I Don't think I would usually use the term Christmas dinner party. Could you not know it's Christmas Day and you have Christmas dinner We don't say let's have a Christmas dinner party. Yeah fair enough, but we're not gonna say this is Christmas Day. Are we?

Now money You're joking when you're in in your career on the Paternoster lift Did you ever go Over the top and come back down. You know what I never had the courage What holds you when you're going over the hump what? Fucking gravity money. Yeah, same as when you're walking over a fucking hill When you're in a plane, what do you mean what holds you you know, I'm saying that yeah, it's not Willy Wonka, mate this host

Paternoscler What holds you when you're going over the top tip, do you know I think they might be grain of truth and gravity Do you do just the twice I See Tim we got your present, but I don't know how it's how it's gonna feel No now Tim will be honest. I feel slightly heartbroken by this present. We are so excited. You ready? Yeah Shall I be mother

Bring your own Here we go, you might want to shield your eyes in the front if you're not wearing glasses to signify the first-ever paparro bread Yes, here we go. Oh lovely. Do you want to say it? Shall I be mother Honestly are you the incredible Hulk Fucking insane turn it to dust Thank God we we rented these four carpets Because the poor hey Dougie said would be ruined

What a lovely memory that was James what a night brilliant night We dedicate it to the memory of Nishkuma. Yes, but of course aside from all of that 2022 I think we'll all remember as the year to phone your mum Yes, hopefully this will become a more regular feature in the podcast in 2023 because we loved these phone calls Amy Gled Hill and Ryland Clark Just get it on the old bell to their mothers So see actually seaweed on mash yeah in particular is like Oh I can imagine it, but I've just never been in a situation where it's been. It's been possible never been possible

I've never been to the half moon. Would you try at home? Yeah, I do that at home for sure really on the tarragon Does it go with all the tarragon? Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't be confident enough. Do the mash king man Yeah, but not put seaweed on it. Just a sprinkles. I know you sprinkling. I thought this is the jelly stuff. What are we talking here? Oh Oh Are you talking like crispy crispy you're talking about like the stuff that goes around sushi No, well stuff like if you went to a Chinese restaurant, you got it as a starter that kind of seaweed Yeah, I guess that kind of seaweed that makes more sense to me Yeah, I guess nori would also work the sheets that you're at. You can get sheets. Yeah. Yeah, but they're sprinkling them on now

That's sprinkling. Oh, yeah, you're not sprinkling a sheet on yeah, but you can get it. You can chop up a sheet. Can we ring them now? Yeah We'll find out what's going on you say just asking you about the seaweed the seaweed that you put on the roast and they go Are you with Amy? Yeah? Here we go putting them on speaker Oh Hello, just fine into I'll have a quick question With the roasts is there the option to have seaweed on them? Is that the is this the right place?

Yeah, no worries with the roast dinners is There an option to have seaweed on the roast dinners is that is this the right? Yes, it's the right place Sorry, there's a place there's a place nearby. Is this just just outside of cotton them. Yeah Are you just outside of cotton them the Yeah, okay, there's a place nearby that does roast that have so my friends. It was trying to we're trying to book a place that she remembers that Are the millhouse Okay, thank you very much. Cheers. Thanks, mate. Bye. Bye Give me the number Benita

Give me the number because that was not Right That lady for being so patient Noisy restaurant on our hands that she was not enjoying it's not skid bae Should I text my mom touch your mom that could have been a most is like stale prank and she just ran with it She just went like yeah the seaweed The earth did a poo. Hey, anyone see the sea way I mean, it's not looking good for you because I

Think to make up There's a place that does see where you don't know. Yeah, we should be called in your mom. I don't want to call my mom Up to you. I don't know how much of this is staying in for the listener, but this is the most amount of research We've ever done. Yeah mid pod seaweed roast dinner cotton. Um, it's what I'm gonna Google I feel like I'm in ctu. Oh, I love it. Have you tested your mom? Yeah What's up, sir? I really want to know this sharing my mom. Yeah Ringing mom Only if you want if you feel comfortable with that. Yeah, it's up to you. Okay

Imagine if it's the woman in the pub again Hello, hi mom. Are you all right? Yeah. Yeah Um, I've got a weird question. I'm I'm I'm on a podcast. I'm doing a podcast right now So you you're on speakerphone and with James and Ed. Do you want to say hello? Hello? Hello Signal maker, I'll warn you. Oh brilliant. Okay. Well just being quick. Um, we're trying to find We're trying to find the name of the restaurant We went to where we had like a kind of a roast dinner on a big roundabout

And we drove there and on the roast dinner They like sprinkle seaweed on the mash and we're trying to find that restaurant And I can't remember the name of it and I thought it was near Cottingham It was before coveted, but it I drove there so it was after I passed my driving test Do you remember what it was called? Oh just ask your dad Yeah Can you remember a restaurant we went to in each row? And it was on a round table you say. No, it was on a roundabout. It's on a big roundabout

It's on a big roundabout And the sprinkle seaweed or something on the mash We had a big roast dinner. We had a big roast dinner. It's on a big roundabout Just before coveted And was it just me and me and your dad and you? I think maybe there was one other person, but I know I drove because I left first before you did So it wasn't Victoria Dock? No, it wasn't when you drove off No, it wasn't then

Um, it wouldn't have been home farm would it that you would have got a carvery from there? Yeah Um, maybe Could be home farm near the home bridge. Yeah, could be that one That's on a big roundabout isn't it? Yeah, we did go there. We did go there because I think I can remember getting a pink gin because I wasn't driving. Yeah, maybe it was that then. All right then Well, we're just trying to work out which one is so we'll try that one. Thanks mum. Thank you. Thank you

All right Your mum's an absolute hero Thank you for calling the home farm barista, I'm sorry all of our team members are busy with guests at the moment If you'd like to book a table, you can always book online at www.brewersfair.co.uk We can also find lots of information on how you can dine safely with us. Thanks for your call and we look forward to seeing you soon No option of an answer. No Just free advertising

Just gave him a free advert. I'll be honest. It doesn't it doesn't feel like the sort of place they're gonna offer seaweed Absolutely. It's a brewers fair. It's obsessed with it It's something we're gonna have to throw to the listeners, which is Torture here's the reason I really want to be able to solve this for you, right? Is because if we don't solve it in this episode, yeah, there is a right answer out there Yeah, there will be a lot of people who know that answer. Yeah, and you will get every single week for the rest of your life Someone tweeting you what the answer to this thing is There

Nicola Coughlin came on the episode She couldn't remember what Staffordshire Oat Cake was. We didn't solve it within the episode every day of her life Someone tweets her going. Oh, just so you know, it's a Staffordshire Oat Cake every single day And still it's still part of her life even though she's on the biggest show on that place. Yeah So If we don't solve this for you within the episode, okay, everyone's gonna be tweeting you're going. It's this place Yeah, and that's all your timeline is gonna be but I think that's it. We're gonna have to move on. It sounds delicious I'm gonna I'm gonna just message my brother paul

And if he gets back within the episode My mum I built her a house five minutes from mine. Uh-huh. She can't get it. Oh, no, she can't get it But actually my mum is still always eating on the phone. Oh, yeah trifle mns mns trifle Yeah, she rang me twice last night. If I showed you my phone You'll see my real name's ross. She'd be like ross. Why haven't you answered the phone if she's just rung me? Yeah, then she'll ring me again. I've got like three missed calls. So last night I then see my phone and think fuck she's had a fall

She's been attacked. She's being robbed. Yeah Did I leave them air wick air fresheners on your kitchen island? I swear to fucking god, look also This is what I got last night. If you got missed calls from her, you know that she's been eating all night I've just got a text from her So this is last night ross. Did I leave your air fresheners just now 10 31 ross. Where are you? I'm in your house Why are you in my house? I'm at work. Do you want to give her a call? Should we ring her? She probably is interested if if linda's eating

I All right, where are you? What because I've not answered the phone I'm sorting out the beauty drawers Well, I'm sorting out well with them face masks and everything. That's what's on the floor Mum you phoned me once I missed you. Yes, and where are you and I've just seen it I'm at work. I'm doing a podcast for the book

Yeah, no, I left a telly on this All right, go on then. I'll ring you later Oh Why do you think I'm being a fucking covered In case someone's cut me up Sorry, I didn't realize I needed to bring you to tell you I was going to work All right, did you find the air fresheners by the way? So I'll put it up in the spirit room, you know the room next to yours one of them

Right Yeah I don't know yet. I'll let you know It's automatic mum Mum I live there, of course I can get in Mum it's fingerprint it's fine. Don't worry All right, mum No, I'm all right

No, just you you just make me laugh right I'm going I'm not going to be dead in the gym, am I All right, all right, I'm going by Now do you see what I've got put up with Oh, it's brilliant. Everyone thinks I was she's hilarious. Throw her up. She is. Well, she is. Yeah. Yes She called me she didn't even know she was being no she called me right at 10 10 50 she called me right At 10 30 she texted me saying where are you? I'm in your house

Now this happened not long ago. Yeah, right. I'm single now. Yeah And the worst thing I ever did was give my mum a fop for my gait Genuinely because now I've had to put location on my phone to see where she is Right, she will just turn up. Yeah. Yeah, let herself in which is fine. She's my mum. You do what you want. You do you But I said to her very specifically One night do not come around in the morning. I will not be there. Yeah I'm going training with my trainer at his house. I will not be there. All right. Yeah No, right. I'm Jamie. That's my brother

I had someone at my house. Yes that stayed At 8 30 the following morning. I'm in bed and I can hear I've never jumped out of bed so quickly Run down the stairs to scream. What the fuck are you doing here? I thought you were out Who's cars that I wouldn't get the fuck out of my house and go home. All right, she was gone This is my life now. This is my life. She thought something was falling on you at the gym I've checked every cupboard and she would cut up Checked all the cupboards. If you don't answer her within five minutes, you're dead apparently. Yeah, that's it

It's all over. Can we cut up a dead in the cupboards or something's falling on you at the gym? The spiders are still under the glass. So that's that's the other thing I wanted to check about. So there was a spider I got bit on my face the other week there. It's still there. I've got a little lamp I don't know what happened. I saw the spider the other day. Yeah, and I just threw a glass over it Yeah, and just left it there for now. Yeah for now. Yeah, but she saw it and she hasn't touched it. She won't touch it Saw the spider my room doesn't look like bombs here. I've got like a dressing room And I was sorting out all my beauty. I believe the phrase was your room looks like it's been fucking ransacked. Yeah Which is why she thought I was dead. Yeah, which is why she thought I was dead

Every bit oh, you can't like where are you? Well, I'm clearly not there. I checked the pool in case you've done yourself in I didn't check under the glass. No, no with the spider. I'm an adult man, and it's a daytime on a Wednesday I'm 33 And my mum is calling me thinking I'm dead in a cupboard Because I've not spoken to her since last night at about 10 o'clock when she was looking for some air fresheners That she's now plugged in behind the poofy And for what I gather she's going to someone else's house now. She's now going to my brother's

She's now going to my brothers who I wouldn't normally say this but by the time this comes out He won't be is on holiday. Yeah And she will let herself in there. Yeah and freshen it up. Yeah, but what she does We just let her do it now because it's easier to not have the argument to say stop fucking doing it I have a window cleaner, right a whole back of my house's glass I pay them quite a lot of money to clean the inside and outside them windows. So they look nice She will come in with a cloth And wipe the inside of my windows. So when it's sunny all it is is smeared

And the reason why she does it is because she used to my god rest his soul She used to drive up back to london where we used to live every way to my uncle berts before we died And used to clean his windows because he lived in a block of flats and she used to hang out fucking hell She's 70 like and clean his windows But never would tell her that the windows were fucking smeary. So she thinks she's handy-handy She thinks oh no, she cleans her windows are the best windows in Essex now But she don't realize when she's using a cloth you then need to use a different cloth to buff it Oh, yeah, so I've got specialist glass cleaner. I've got this. I've got windows. I've got this

No, don't work with linda. So I paid more in that For her to fuck the windows up that have just been cleaned. Absolutely brilliant But that's my mum. So for anyone who thinks that she's uh, not a real person. There you go. There you go Tenner, she stops at marxies as well Try for should I just ring her and just say you go mark Well, there we are the best of 2022 done james Thank you for listening and then the next bullet point says we'll be back in the new year for series nine And then a third bullet point that says to end. It's a traditional pop-a-doms or bread compilation. What a perfect way to

He really wrote all the early links in a very specific way, you know Um, there was all reference in himself and how great he is and then at the end He just went bam bam bam go to bed drink a peach beer go to bed Ha ha ha We will see you next year for series nine and who knows we might spank the plank We might be spanking the planks and treading the boards Goodbye, everyone. Happy new year. Happy new year Dear pop-a-doms or bread pop-a-doms or bread. Okay, like pop-a-doms or bread

Pop-a-doms or bread applause I'm sorry bread Or bread question always confuses me it feels like a very British thing that question. Yes, to be fair it is Rich mini grant Bread What?

Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Oh, I thought you said hop n' orbs. You scared me, you're so loud. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread, Charlotte Church. Pop it up, it's all bread.

Most certainly, I want a really diverse bread basket. Text it where you want to go for a meal, but text me if you're wondering where to buy a lemon. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. The great manito. Pop it up, it's all bread.

What? Pop it up, it's all bread. Oh, pop it up, it's all bread. I thought you said problem's all bread. I was like, oh. Alright. Do you interpret it however you want? Pop it up, it's all bread.

Oh my God. Pop it up, it's all bread. Read us how we have them. Pop it up, it's all bread. I knew that was coming, but it's still scary. Okay. You did it well there, man. Thank you.

That was really good. Yeah. You didn't even take a breath. I'm going to go, I've had to think about it. I'm going to go for prom crackers. That's what I'm thinking. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread.

Adam Buxton. Pop it up, it's all bread. Bread every time. Yeah, it's the factories. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. It's all bread.

Pop it up, it's all bread. It's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Is that how you treat your sodas? I'm beginning to see what the problem is. Yeah, exactly. It's screaming. It's so disgusting.

You're the first person I've made jump in ages with that. In ages. Have you been really proud of that? Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread.

It gives you bread, it gives it a bite. Probably proud of that. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread.

punya up, it's all information, Tom Hanuman. Pop it up, it's all bread. Have you been really proud of that? Yeah. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. So for that reason alone, I think Schlerz with a punt

Okay, pop it on yeah, yeah pop a domes Fair enough Pop a domes yeah I was intense and you know what it put me along the lot of pressure Pop a domes or bread Pop a domes or bread Timkey Pop a domes or bread point this question. We know what he's gonna say. No, we don't we don't know what What I'm gonna say

Pop a domes or bread Oh, no Pop a domes or bread, thank you Magliano Pop domes or bread Okay Pop a domes or bread Pop domes or bread, that's McCann Pop domes or bread

Bread You're about to have terrible sex Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread, Timmy Pritchard McLean Pop domes or bread What was it like by the way? You are the first person who has had pop domes or bread shouted at them over zoom and in person Yeah Which one did you prefer?

I think I preferred it in person Thank you Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Chloe Pets Pop domes or bread God, I vow that it wouldn't take me by surprise but it did It feels like I'm being heckled at an Ed Gamble gig Pop domes or bread

Pop domes or bread Chris Redd Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Chris Redd Pop domes or bread Bread Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread

Jarvis Cocker Pop domes or bread Well, I'm trying to be a bit gluten free nowadays I mean, you just watched me eat a Panini Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Baba Tunde Pop domes or bread Why are you shouting at me?

Pop domes or bread Oh Pop domes or bread Angela Hartnett Breads, breads, breads, breads without a doubt Bread, bread, breads I don't have no sense Does it? Yeah

Pop domes or bread Bread Pop domes or bread Felicity Ward Bread Bread, 100% never going to go Popodom It's a miserable existence Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Mike Sher

Pop domes or bread Bread, please, thank you Um, I'll just leave it at that Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Fatty Ogory Pop domes or bread Bread Oh, thanks man

Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Paul Chelsea Pop domes or bread I'm not sure whether you're asking me about Pop domes Because I'm Indian Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Paul Hollywood Well obviously I've got to go bread

You've got to go bread But then what type of bread Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Rob Brydon Pop domes or bread Okay, well it's a reasonable question Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Lyle and Clark

Pop domes or bread Pop domes Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Dane Baptiste Pop domes or bread Ooh, good question I am going to go for Pop domes Am I making this up now? Pop domes or bread

Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Fucking bread For Cascia So, yeah Still what Pop domes or bread Ah! Poppodoms every time

Poppodoms Pop domes or bread Popdomes or bread Matt Lucas Pop domes or bread Oh Popdoms That- Pop domes or bread

Pop domes or bred Bryan Cox Pop domes or bred Uh Popdomes Pop domes or bread Pop domes or bread Lol Pop domes or bread Aggressive

POPPINOMS OR BREAD! POPPINOMS OR BREAD LADY HENRY! POPPINOMS OR BREAD! POPPINOMS! POPPINOMS ARE GREAT! POPPINOMS OR BREAD! POPPINOMS OR BREAD! Tom Davis! POPPINOMS OR BREAD! I'm a bread fan, I love my bread. We are quite cute. POPPINOMS OR BREAD! POPPINOMS OR BREAD! It's BREAD!

Sit down! POPPINOMS! POPPINOMS! He got me. Or BREAD! It's BREAD! POPPINOMS OR BREAD! POPPINOMS OR BREAD! Bread, bread please. Toast got scared.

We finally got Benito's dog off to sleep. So he wasn't disturbing the record. And then we all forgot that he was about to be woken up horrifically. But it's a shiny man she mutt! Hello, it's me Amy Glentill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu

where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case...

Get him on James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. And all the new stories that we've missed out from the North because look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time.

The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glentill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian?

It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. Mark, you've left it so late!