Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Best of 2025: Part 1

Episode Date: December 29, 2025

We’re at the tail end of 2025, and it’s time for the first half of our most delicious clips of the year. Remember when we had Robert De Niro on the podcast?Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).ClipsStill or Sparkling? Daisy RidleyEmily CampbellSally PhillipsJames NortonRhys JamesKunal NayyarRhod GilbertDrinksJoanna McNallyStevie MartinDaisy RidleySally PhillipsFood descriptions and recipesSantiago LastraAntoni PorowskiCarey MulliganGeorge EggJohn EarlyJames NortonTeachingsJoy CrookesEmily CampbellJohn EarlyKunal Nayyar300thAJ OduduTasting MenusJohn KearnsBridget Christie Jen BristerLive showsRhod GilbertJulian ClarySelf EsteemKatherine ParkinsonWeird choicesIan SmithMawaan RizwanNina ContiChris McCauslandGlobal iconsJeff GoldblumGillian AndersonKate WinsletRobert De NiroRobert De NiroRobert De NiroRobert De NiroJoanne McNally Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome listeners to the dream restaurant. Welcome listeners to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. It's nearly the end of 2025 and it's time for our annual best of year episodes featuring all of our favourite clips from the last 12 months of off menu. As usual, we will be reading the scripts that Benito has written verbatim, including this bit. But in an unusual twist, this year he's written this, well, very ill, and hopped up on Lemsip. So who knows whether any of it

makes sense? Yes, apparently we've released 47 episodes in 2025, but Benito could have added that up wrong. Anyway, welcome to part one of our favourite clips of the year. And Benito, you motherfucker, you didn't even write that I'm ill as well. You're putting all the illness on you. I've also dragged myself out of bed to do this. We must have different scripts that. That's not in my one. Oh yeah, well, I've got a different one. I'm on the Google Doc. Stillall Sparkling. That's the question. We always start with Stiller Sparkling Water in the Dream Restaurant,

and that's how we're kicking off our best-of clips. After over 300 episodes, we're still amazed at the response to this question. My name's the Great Benito. I'm a silly little lad. Here are clips from Daisy Ridley, Emily Campbell, Sally Phillips, James Norton, Reese James, Knair, and Rod Gilbert. We always start with Stiller of Sparkling Water, Daisy. Do you have a preference? Still, please. Very, very to the point.

I struggle to understand sparkling water. You struggle to understand it. Yeah. You can't even conceive of it. Like, I have a few sips, but it's one of those things that when people are just having glass after glass, I think, oh, it's just like a, it's not for me. No. Yeah, that many glasses is kind of crazy. I think if you're having more than one glass of sparkling water, then that is quite psychotic.

I'll glug it. Yeah, that's so strange. Point made. If it's mixed with something, like I'm a big fan of a fizzle elder flower. So if you've got elder flower cordial on there, chug away, but not about itself. Chug away at the elderflower cordial. What is it about because I've never been able to get on with elderflower cordials? Really?

But I would say my mum, my sister, my partner, all huge fans. So I clearly... You're trying to make this agenda thing? Oh dear. Oh, no, I've done it. I didn't even realise. Yeah. What you're saying there is...

I'm making it agenda thing. You ladies love elderflower. That's what you're trying to say. Why do the ladies love elderflower? I don't know why the ladies... Poor will do, but I love it. I gave up fizzy drinks years ago for Lent, so I never really went back to the big brands.

I don't know if you're allowed to say it on here, the Cokes and what have you. Yeah, but for whatever reason, because my mum likes elderflower, so I think I, you know, I took it from her. Well, no, maybe it is a gender. Any fellas who like elderflower, tweet the podcast. Tweet.

Huh? Tweet is so outdated. Oh, yeah, don't do that. Any fellas who like a little. elder flower. I'll have an elder flower. I like an elder flower. Yeah. With fizzy water. Cancel the tweets. It's been disproven already. What else have you given up for Lent in the past? I think I tried to give up chocolate. That didn't happen. Glad to hear it. That was the only thing for busy drinks and I really stuck to it. That's the only one that's got completely. You did it. Did it.

I remember talking to my grand at the time and I said, oh, do you give up anything? And she was a Christian. and she said you get to my age and you don't need to give anything up she said I have my pleasures and that's what I like you know, yeah and I thought that was quite lovely I think of my grand said to me

I have my pleasures I know the way I said it oh God I would say she didn't say it like that and I'm really apologised for how that's happened I've never come in here again

you never mention your pleasures again oh my God oh dear no but that's nice once you get to that age you're just like no way why would it why would Why would I do that?

Why would I sort of weirdly punish myself? Yeah. And then actually someone said something about taking up something is quite a lovely thing to do. Smoking for Lent. But I didn't do that. Yeah. That's anti-Jesus, isn't it?

He wasn't taking up anything for the, in the desert? Is that what it was? I don't know. Is it in the desert? I think it's like he goes in the desert, doesn't he? He's in the desert for Aides and then he comes out on Pancake Day or something. No. Pancake Day was this week.

Pancake Day's been. Yeah. Hmm. So Pancake Day kicks off Lent. So he had pancakes before he went in the desert to give him enough energy. Pancakes day cleared out all of the cupboards of people who were about to embark on Lent. I do know that. So he had a pancake going into the desert and didn't have any fizzy drinks while he was there.

Correct? Certainly not elderflower. Then at the end he went, I have my pleasures. He said to one of the people writing the Bible, write this down. Yeah. I have my pleasures. I have my pleasures. I have my pleasures.

I could have, not going to do it about that. Yeah. Write that in the Bible The guy following him around writing the Bible Yeah There was a few of them weren't there Four of them at least The main guys

Right in a lot of it Yeah If you've got my mother told you this stuff She must have Oh my God I'm still mortified at how I expressed My grandmother's sentiments Yes

You made it sound like a pal Oh God Yes But please don't ask us to edit it out though Because it was funny And you come across We all start with still a sparkling water. Still water.

If you drink sparkling water, you're a psychopath. Yeah. Standard. It's not nice. You can't convince anybody that it's nice. We have a lot of guests on this that absolutely love sparkling water. Bless them. Are they all psychopaths?

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, yeah. Or they're just doing it to please their friends or something. It's not nice. Also, I think any time we do have, like, people who are, like, sports people or whatever on, they choose still water because they're not drinking sparkling and then go in an exercise

because you've got to drink a lot of water as well like that's. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I'm not going to front, like water in general is just not the nicest really. Like, I'm one of those like,

I'm a squash person. Yeah. Like I've got those little like travel ones and you know, I'd rather drink squash and drink water. What's just boring, isn't it? Well,

it's just there for hydration. We'll let you have squash as your water course if you want. Yeah, would you are? Yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah. What's your flavour?

Like an orange and pineapple. Nice. Or a tropical or something along those lines. Yeah, solid. Oh, that's good. Well, that just got better, didn't it, already? And do you want it in one of those squeezy little pouches? Is that what you're talking?

The little squeezer was. I mean, they're just convenient, aren't they? But, you know, any squash works. You don't want to go double strength really because you don't want it to be, like, weak. Crazy the double strength, man. It is. You have to be very careful with that, you know? If you get a bit too, it can get a bit too much.

You go to space. It's crazy. Yeah. I have my really sweet as well, apparently, because I remember once we was catching a flight, and I was with a couple of the lads that we was with was going to an international. And I said, oh, come on, finish this because I can't finish it all.

And they were like, Emily, what the hell is that? Like, how much juice is in there? And I was like, are these white lefters as well? These big boys. Proper big boys, yeah, because I travel with all the heavyweights. So all the heavyweight boys, I was like, just finish that. And they were like, that is awful, Emily. There was like, have you got half a bottle of squash in there?

And I was like, no. Like, I didn't even think it was that sweet. I've been drinking it my whole life. You're hardcore. Yeah. You're strong like the squash. Yeah. That's what you got to tell them.

Wow. Go go and tell those boys, this is what's stronger than you guys. I'm going to go put that on my hinge profile. It's something I've worked out about myself the other day. I drink tap water all the time at home, obviously. But if I drink it from the bathroom tap, I feel weirder about it as if it's different waters than the kitchen tap. But I think, is it not, is it not?

I don't know either. I know exactly what you mean. It tastes more metallic from them. Yeah. I love the fact that we're both compressing. We have both. Yeah, yeah. Drunk from the bath

But it's convenient If I'm about to go to bed And I want some water or whatever To take, you know I'm going to the bathroom tap Not going, but I'm thinking You're slamming in it Like it's different from the sink and the bath

Yeah, very different from the bath Well, the shower is the hardest one to get it. Yeah, yeah They've got to be under there for a while To get a good mouthful Yeah, yeah There is a website Mineral Waters of the World

You know this presumably? No, no Where they rank the different mineral waters Oh wow Yeah Someone's properly done it, done the... Yeah, yeah. What's top?

Well, I actually printed it out. Because although I... Yeah, Benito, stop, Goethe. Sally's printed out of the website. I was going to look at some of this, but then I... Just realised you printed out quite a lot of stuff. Well, no, I printed out some of the stuff from the supper club in place. There was something I could remember, and I thought I'd read it in the car, but then I got car sick, so I haven't.

Here we go. Top is a... Oh, I haven't got number one. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Number one. Topo chico. Have you ever heard of that? Topo chico. Top o'cico? Where's that from? 17 votes doesn't say. 17? 17 votes not very many.

That's top, is it? Dorner, then, well, do you want to have a look at the thing? But the only, the first one I recognize is Badoa at number six, with 40 votes. What? I don't know why number one. I don't know why number one. I'm not going to trust this website. Out of five. It is mineral waters of the world. Check it. It's independent. Yeah. It's an independent thing they've done.

It's an independent thing, yeah. Tully, I hate to skip ahead, but I've noticed on another sheet there's a paragraph with the subheading Chinese ghosts. Yeah. Yeah, this is all supper club stuff. Yeah. Did you know that Chinese ghosts, the reason Chinese temples have zigzag bridges over their ponds, is because Chinese ghosts can only cross water in a straight line. I didn't know that.

I mean, it's weird what sort of comes. up on the podcast because we've recently had a conversation with John Cairns where we talked about Japanese ghosts not having any feet. Yes. Wow. So I thought this might be where that was going. Yeah. No. But obviously not. Yeah, they can't. They have to cross water in straight lines. They can zigzag on

land. Yeah. But not across water. But not cross water. So they see that bridge and go If you're being chased by a Chinese ghost. Yeah. And there's only a straight bridge. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In big trouble. What part of the supper club did that?

I just can't remember. Presumably that was part of the Riverside one, yeah. I love that it's still on the form, though, and you can't quite remember what? I can't remember what it was, yeah. We haven't done it for a while, like I say. Yeah, Japanese water demons look like small naked men with a turtle shield and a water-filled bowl-shaped head. So that is how I would like my water served.

Yeah. I'd like it served inside the skull of a Japanese waters demon. Yes. They lurk in water for unsuspecting passes by, and they drag them into the deep, because this is a dream menu, I will be immune to their charms. And the way you escape for them is you carve your name into a cucumber and you throw it into the water. So I'll have cucumber, fizzing cucumber water from the skull of a Japanese water demon, please.

Yeah, that's very appropriate. It tastes good in the water and it subdues the demon. And it subdues the demon. Absolutely idea. And your cucumber has your name carved into it as well? You're going to go full name Sally Phillips or just Sally? Sally Elizabeth Phillips. Sally Elizabeth Phillips.

It's a long old cucumber. Yeah. My dad doesn't like water. Really? I feel like it's a punch zone. No, that's it. He doesn't like water. He told me that he has to hold his nose when he drinks water. Really?

Yeah. He hates it. Can't stand it. Things are disgusting. What does it do to his nose? Oh, the smell. It's like he can't smell it, which I, I question that if you get even. Yeah.

Is he drinking out of the, what is he drinking? What kind of? At the toilet. He's laughing away at the book. And I'll explain why. That's why he's doing. If I ever catch him doing that, holding his nose,

I'm like, Dad, I think I know why you don't like water. I've never liked water. And you have to drink it out of this big white thing. I have a question that's diabetes related, but I'm worried it might be ignorant. Go on, hit the taboo. We love it.

What if one day you had to change your pump and also had to change your fizzy water cartridge at the same time and you got them mixed up? That's not even a change. No, that's a very valid question. You get this question a lot, though, right? I do get this question a lot, yeah. It's never happened to me, but obviously people think about it a lot.

Well, I guess what would happen is my pump would then become my fizzy water dispenser. And anyone who came around to my house would have insulin. Intulin-flavored water. Well, they would just be pure insulin in there. So I'd probably murder all my dinner party, friends. And in terms of how the pump would then be intravenously pumping fizzy water into my... But it's just... the gas cartridge, right?

Yeah. So it would just be dead. We'd all be dead. We'd all be dead, basically. Yeah, it'd be dead. Surprisingly. And the inspector would have to try

and piece that together. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good murder mystery, isn't it? It's a very good murder. Oh, it's an accident. This guy was hammered when it was time to change both things. Got a mixed up and then his guests

arrived. Yeah. And then everyone trapped. I think it'd be a quick murder mystery because you'd be like, right, they all drank this water. It's like an insulin in it. Yeah. It'd be very niche for all those people who didn't really know what

insulin does. Yeah. Because lots of people do. But it would be more, they would have to then figure out how you had died. Because I'd be like, okay, everyone drank this, but this guy. Yeah. He's over here. Doesn't seem to have drunk any of that, but he's dead.

I think what would be probably the big giveaway is that whilst the pump may double up as the CO2 canister and people wouldn't know, I would have a huge metallic kind of thing sticking out of my midriff, which the inspector might notice. And also insulin stinks. instance stinks. Yes, anyone in those diabetic smells of hospitals. Yeah. It's really interesting the reaction I guess, isn't it? Yeah. It really stinks. Does it? Yeah.

Well, smells with like hospitals. It smells like very chemical. Oh, I like that. But people do like it. Do you get that smell? I like that smell. I mean, people complain about how hospitals smell. I don't get it. I like it. Lots of people smell the incident and go, oh, that makes me think of a hospital. And then other people are like, oh, that makes me think of hospital. I guess it depends what your hospital's experience was.

Yeah, yeah. There's good and bad things happen in those. Yeah. It reminds me of my child's birth. That's nice. There you go. Reminds me at the time I died. Reminds me

of my Brazilian butt left. We always start with still the sparkling water Reese. Do you have a preference? Look, I'd like steel water. I'm having sparkling,

okay? What? Is that right? Really? You got to have bubbles in a tux. I'm afraid. You can't walk into a restaurant

like this and say, yeah, just normal tap. Yeah, that's true. It would look weird. I'm going to sparkling. It would look weird if you were. Can I have both?

No. Okay. Sold. Everyone else gets it. Dream Restaurant can have what you want. Yeah. Suddenly, I bet the secret ingredient is bread in this one, by the way.

You're desperate to kick me out, especially when I'm wearing this. Funny. Do you want both? Yeah. Little cup of both. Little cup of both. Because San Pellegrino,

the green glass, San Pellegrino bowl, that's a classy. Now that's a classy bottle. Tennis. Fair to say? What, you make you think of tennis? Fair to say tennis? Yeah, it's fair to say tennis.

It makes me think of tennis. Okay. But I want a little glass of that to start, and then I want to move on to the still version of San Pellegrino which I think is called if it gives the P, doesn't it? It's not Pellegrino.

It's the orange logo. It's got an orange logo. It's like patter or something like that. Well, I don't think I knew this. It's what you would have seen it. White bottle, orange logo. Sorry, not white, clear. Yeah.

Water. White bottle would be meant to. Really playing up to being a little kid who thinks the clear thing is a white. Yeah, little white bottle is a nice and warm. Pana. Aquapana. Aquapana.

Is that the... Oh, so I've seen Aquapana. Is that the same company? That is the sister drink of the bubbly San Pellegrino. Sister drink. There you go. Actually, more of an adult than we gave you credit for. Could be seen water before.

You know about the sister drinks? I know about the sister drinks. Yeah, well, we'll let you have some Aquapana and some San Pellegrino if you like. Brother and sister. Yeah, brother and sister. Yeah, I love the brother and sister of water. Yeah. What's the mum and dad of water then?

Well, I guess you will be the water daddy in that situation. If you've got both, you can call yourself. Then I'm the water. You can call yourself the water daddy. Yeah, but then you've got to drink your own kids. Yeah. That's weird, right? Would you drink your own kids?

We never asked anyone in this before? Hmm. Look, I don't want kids. So I guess so. If that's going to get rid of them. No harm, no foul. Oh, you see that as an obliteration of your children. Abliterates the kids.

If I'm drinking, yeah, I'm drinking, yeah, I'm drinking them to death, presumably. That's true. Yeah. You are drinking them to death. They live on through piss. I think they live on through piss, don't they? How clear is the piss?

Piss, you know? I think. I think they're dead by the time they're piss. Rest in piss. Dead by the time they're piss? Yeah. Rest in piss. Fuck.

Sorry for stepping on it. It's fantastic. That's all right. It's out there. It's fantastic. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Kill the kids. Rest in piss. That's a fair description of my relationship with not wanting to be a father. Yeah. Well, the craziest thing I remember about when I moved to the States in 99, when I was 18 for college, the amount of water. The students would be carrying these jugs of water everywhere. And I was like, what is this?

Like, why people drinking so much? water because growing up when you were thirsty you drink water yeah yeah i mean that's how you you know but then if you say that in america the answer you get all the time that makes you want to pull my eyes out is well if you're thirsty it means you're already dehydrated and if you want if you if you want to hear a story about this um if it makes the podcast or not but i'll tell you a true story please so i get this like some special miss this lady comes and she's like this like she's draining some lymphatic whatever and she tells me look you're very severe really dehydrated and you need to drink two liters of water a day.

Man, you know, keep hearing this in America. I'm just going to do it. So I started drinking like two liters of water a day. And I'm in, I'm peeing a lot, you know, every hour, whatever, whatever. Second day, I begin to feel a bit uncomfortable. I'm feeling a bit depleted. And I'm feeling like, oh my God, I have to pee, but I can't pee anymore? And I'm feeling uncomfortable.

I call my doctor. And I don't know what's going on. He said, what's changed in your life? I said, I've been drinking two liters of water a day for the last 48 hours. He says, where are you? I said, I'm home. He's like, okay, can you, can you drive? I'm like, yeah, I'm just a bit tired.

It's like, you're coming to the hospital right now. What? Takes me to the hospital, puts me in. Apparently, I had drunk so much water that I had gotten rid of every nutrient in my body. Not only that, I also had like a point zero, zero, zero, zero, zero one, like brain swelling. What? Because it had so much fluid in my system that my brain had to swell. So they had to keep in the hospital for eight hours and give me like six IVs.

that's what I'm saying and all because I was tired of hearing for 15 years that if you're thirsty you're already dehydrated and then that was the final straw, this masseuse so that's a very long story to tell you just be normal man

thirsty drink water just be normal that's wild isn't that crazy and that's a true story no I'm not saying don't drink water if you need it I mean because I'm not a doctor but just I just didn't understand

just don't chug water all day suddenly after not, you know, only drinking water when you're thirsty. Isn't that crazy? That's good. But I love that you led up to the story with, I don't know if this will make the podcast or not. Your brain's swelled up. That's making the pod. We haven't had any anyone with a brain clip.

I've never seen you sort of weak in this podcast. It's like mind-blowing. I'm going back to hibernation after that. But that was great. And that makes so much sense because you know there's people who walk around with the big, massive jugs of water. Yes, yes, yes. Whenever I speak to those people, it does seem like their brain swollen a bit.

Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah, they got swollen brains. I got a hydrate. Yeah, I got a headache. I don't have a hijay, you got a hijate. It's a big brain swelling. Put that in the accent clip. Can that, can that go in the accent?

I don't think that should make the podcast. That could hurt someone's feelings. Oh, well, no, these people don't have feelings. And they don't listen. Exactly. Pop out of bread. Pop out of bread. Obviously, Papa.

I mean, that's, I mean, you can't even, that's not a question that would work. We got Cindy V coming in this afternoon. And? And she told me off last. time because she said you say Popatoms or bread to people and you said she said Pap out of bread to people and then I said to her

I'm going to do that next time and that was over a year ago and then I've never done it and because she's in next I'm going to do it in this one and it just so happens that you grew up in New Delhi so I look like I'm being ultra cool no second yeah exactly

Papad you got it yeah and you said that's not even a that's not even a choice really not for me yeah yeah I mean if a restaurant is offering barber, I'm going to eat barbord. And what kind do you want? Because there's a lot of different kinds, right? That's such a good question. That's a really good question. Have you ever

had the white, airy ones with all the bubbles? The really big, or you probably had, yeah, yeah. I think that were one of the ones that Jamie Oliver bought it. But like, yeah, the ones that are quite, they're like just bubbles. Yes, exactly. Yeah, that's the one I love.

Yeah, that's great. Yeah, really good. You don't get him in many places here. No, you don't. Which is a shame, because that is really, that very tasty. The one bread that you don't get much of in restaurants outside of India is rumali roti. Okay. And I'm telling you this because next time if you're an Indian restaurant, you should just go to one if they have rumali roti. Rumal means handkerchief.

And rumali roti is a bread, like an Indian bread, like none, cooked in the toulur, but it's like a handkerchief thin. Wow. And they fold it up. And it's the greatest bread, Indian bread you'll ever have in your life. So if there is a restaurant, I'm trying to think who does it in London, but I'll send you guys an email and you should go. Romali. Romali, roti means bread.

Yeah. So we should, if we go to an Indian restaurant, ask for Rumali, Roti. Don't accidentally just ask for Rumali because they'll just bring us a handkerchief. Yes. Well, if you're Rumal, yeah. If you go to Romali, then it'll be like, here's a, here's a, why do all, so when you go to a restaurant in London, A lot of people are wearing navy blue pants and a navy blue jacket, right?

That's standard... That's not an observation. That's not funny. That's just normal. That's funny to us. Yeah, it's funny to us that's something you've noticed. Yeah, when people notice them about the UK you don't live here, it's funny because we don't notice that. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm saying everyone, like, if you're in the city and you go to lunch. But they give you white napkins.

And white napkins give white linen on blue suits. So I never understood why more restaurants don't have... black napkins. Have you ever thought about it? I've never thought about it, but I'm 100% on board of it immediately. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I would much rather that now. The white napkins give you white linen on blue pants.

Yeah. But then if you get something on your napkin, people can see how messy you are or mucky pup you are. That's true. So what's the word you said? Mucky pup. A mucky pup. A mucky pup. A mucky pup. Yeah. Oh, like you're a mucky, like you're... A little doggy. A little...

What? A little... A little... A little baby that's been rolling around in the mud. A little messy baby dog. Oh, a pup that is rolling around in muck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, a mucky pup. That's not, is that like a real... Yeah, that's a phrase. That's a real phrase, that's a phrase you made up for the podcast.

No, no, no, no, that is a phrase mucky pup. Mucky pup. Yeah. In what context can I use it so that I'm not in trouble. It sounds cool. If you spill something on yourself, go, oh, I'm such a mucky pup. See, it sounds nice in your accent. If I say, oh, I'm such a mucky pup.

It sounds a bit weird. I think that sounds nicer. I'm a mucky pup. I like it. Sounds kind of sexual. I'm a mucky pup. Well, that is also, like, be careful in the context you use it. If you're heading down to like a pride parade, that's also like a subsection.

Is it? The pups. I don't know this. Yeah, the guys who dress in the dog masks. What? Oh, good on them. Yeah. It's like a set.

I think there's a whole separate parade in London Pride for the Pupps. Is there? The pup parade. Yeah, yeah. And they can get mucky, I suppose. They can't. Yeah. This is definitely off topic.

It's off topic, for sure. But yeah, the white napkin. people can see quite how messy you are, what a mucky pup you are, and a black napkin, they can't see. They can't see anything. Well, that's just,

I just had to get it off my chest. I agree with you that it should, maybe each restaurant should just have a range of napkins and they can bring them out and match them to your trousers. Yeah. So whatever you're wearing, whatever suit you're wearing or dress or whatever,

they can like put the napkin on until they get one that matches, then go, there you go. I would be on board for that. That's nice. That would be really nice. there would be like a napkin sommelier yeah

it feels that's just around the corner surely that's definitely going to happen that's right up there with monkey pup next next garage band mucky pop could be the name of the napkin restaurant where you get the napkin sommelier monkey pop you know who I would love to be a napkin sommelier

Billy Porter by the way also in Christmas karma and a great actor yeah fantastic actor I've shared a scream with Billy Porter of course well you haven't really I acted to a tennis ball and then Billy Porter

acted to a different tennis ball and then they put it together That's great I'm going to go home and watch that scene Yeah Cinderella You should I mean once you watch that scene You don't want to watch the whole film

Okay that's great Yeah yeah It'd be impossible not to watch the time stamp Where it is Yeah yeah absolutely You got it It's a great thing We'll always start with still

Sparkling water Rod Gilbert Do you have a preference Sparklin a lot of hate for sparkling tonight some nice cheers at the beginning and it just morphed into a book that was a very few shows does not stay with me

yeah they'll be only the six hours of like any comedian all I'm hearing really is the booze you know I um no sparkling definitely partly because and those of you booed right this will get you back this is one in your eye boos partly because and it's not really I've been a big fan of sparkling water for many years. In fact, sorry to bring Sean in it.

Me and Sean have got a song about it. Well, get many, Sean, yeah. When I was really struggling with cancer, I couldn't drink, everything's disgusting, right? When you got cancer in this area and you're having the treatment radio, everything's disgusting. I couldn't drink water is disgusting, tea.

Everything's disgusting, except sparkling water, and that kind of got me through. All things sparkling, so Luke is there. sparkling water, I could still drink that. Nothing else. How are you feeling if you booed right now? Yeah. Yeah. Sparkling water saved my life

when I had throat cancer. Give us a boo! But years before that, it's only when I was thinking about this podcast that this occurred to me that we have a song about it. Well, you're going to have the thing is that. There's no way you're not doing that now.

I mean, this is, I mean, this is like, this is the kind of marital stuff that nobody should ever have to share, really. And I think this is essentially why me and Shana are together. Sean, if I sing the verse, will you do the chorus? You can't make, Shad, sing. Are you okay to do that? Give her a mic.

Yeah, give her a mic. She'll try. She said she'll try. They're going to try. We have got a mic, Sean, you're on a mic. Charlie's got a mic for you, Sean. Where is, Sean, where? Sean, are you down? Oh, good, she's there.

I thought she was up there for a second. This is... That is not your wife. What the fuck has happened? This is Charlotte, my agent, who is sitting with my wife. Thank you, Charlotte. I thought for a second there, I had tumbled through the multiverse. And not known it.

I'm in a different universe where Rod Gilbert is a different wife. All right. Okay. Can we hear you, Sean? Hi, guys. Sorry about this, Sean. That's fine. All right, I'm going to do the verse.

Oh, my God. So this is the sparkling water song. No pressure on this, Sean, but this is the kind of stuff Benito usually clips up for the best off at the end of the year. This may be the kind of stuff. I promise you this will not be the stuff. Ready, Sean? Yes.

Do you want to... She doesn't sound happy, Rod. Do you remember the words? I didn't know there was a verse. I'm using the word verse very loosely. Okay. But I'll get you. You'll know when to come in, all right?

Okay. Follow me for the changes. No, no prep done beforehand. Knew that we were going to ask him what war he wanted. Can I just point out that we've had this song going for about 10, 15 years? Can you remember how it started this song? No, in terms of who came up with it? No.

I can't remember how or where it started. No. But there are other people I could ring. and we could put them on, and they'd do it as well. Wow. It's not just a thing with us. How big does the song start? I can't look at you while I do it.

I can't look at you. Go behind the lamp. Get in the lamp. Bit embarrassing doing the song, is it? Just a bit. Here we go. Ma-ma-na-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-na-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. A fizzy water

That's what it is That's what it is Wow What do you reckon? Whole audience Just your standard verse chorus structure That is it

Mah Mah na ma la la Na na na na Fizzy water It is good It is good 15 years we've been doing that A fizzy water

I love that song And as we know That was Christmas number one James It was Drinks We don't just offer H2O in the dream restaurant Every guest gets to pick their dream drink too And sometimes

That drink is multiple glasses of white wine Let's listen to Joanne McNally Stevie Martin Daisy Ridley and Sally Phillips And a huge Am I getting ahead of myself And a huge pino grigio, ice cold. Huge.

Huge. We're not going to stop people pairing drinks with courses. No. No. You can pair every course of a drink if you want. So pina, pina phil, specifically refers to pino gregia. Yes. The grige.

Yeah. I feel like you should do a bit at the top, just explaining that, just in case any Peno Noir fans turn up. There's a bit that we know Pino-Noire fans turn up. Fine, I don't come to you, yeah. It's not her vibe. It's not our vibe. No. What about Pino-Grizi?

do you love so much? The taste. Like, I'm not going to sit here and say I know anything about its legs or citrusy smells. I just love the taste of it. But it has to be ice cold. Like, I don't really complain about stuff because I wouldn't really,

like I'll pull a hair out of the food and just leave it there. I don't really care. I really don't. But the only thing I will send back is if the wine's not warm. Sorry, if the wine's not cold enough, I will send that back.

I'm like, practically a sommelier. I'm like that's kind of room temperature and then they'll give me another one It should really be closer to room temperature than you think If you want to taste it properly Yeah but listen I'm just I'm just had a course of wheelies

I clearly don't get a shit You know what I mean Are you so obviously when When you did the last show The Prosecco sold very well with With the audience Yeah Are you hoping to do the same thing

For the Pinot Grosio industry To raise awareness for Pinot Grosio Yeah To sell it as much as you did I mean You'd love to have your own life find a week with your tour manager because they replaced my tour manager for a week.

Oh! And they were saying sometimes the bar would sell out of Prosecco. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, whose fault is that? Like, if I was that venue, I'd be like, I'm bringing in a show called a Prosecco Express.

Like, we would tell the venue, in fairness to my agents, they were ring it, because I would get annoyed them because I'm backstage and the girls are texting me going, they're out of Praseco, they're out of glasses.

And I'm like, it's carnage out there. So I was saying to my agent, please ring ahead and make sure they know. Yeah. And then they would ring ahead, and the venue would be like, oh, yeah, don't worry, it's all taken care of. And the same thing would happen again. I was like, don't underestimate those women. I think we broke the record in the Palladium for the most alcohol sold at any show.

Yeah. Now, I think someone's broken it since, because that was maybe two years ago. Wasn't our show, I'll tell you that much. That wasn't ours. It was my. Thank you, Dweeps. Keep coming to see it. They ran out of Seduca who is somebody else.

We've also shared a tour manager in Australia. He took me around maybe a couple of weeks after. Oh, yeah. And he said, yeah, your audience drink. Yeah. He said it'll be all these, like, he said all these women would turn up looking incredible at the beginning of the evening and come out of the theatre looking the complete, or just absolutely shit-faced.

I know, I love it so much. That's why it's hard for me. It's hard for me sometimes because I have to remind myself it's not my night out. Yeah. So I'm like, woo, you know what I first started. Like I'd have a drink on stage and I was like, you can't, like, drink on stage is fine, but it's not my, it's not my night out. Like, I'm actually there to work because sometimes they're, they just, I don't know, I just, I just love that kind

of girl's night out vibe. I just want to kind of crowd serve and get involved. Or when I do smaller shows, I'd go out after. I'd just go to wherever they were. What's the audience? Yeah. Yeah. Well, like, not that they weren't, it's not like they were going out on mass. Yeah. But like, if women would text, I'm like, oh, we're actually in the pub next door, I'd be like, oh, okay. Are you going? Yeah, go. Was it not weird? Were they not like, you know, talking to you about your comedy all the time and, It was a bit of a divide. No, this was back.

It was, there were smaller rooms. Yeah. But no, it was just like, oh, there's John. There was no real. There was no, there was no divide at all. Yeah, we just go and drink wine in the pub. Yeah, it was nice.

But you can't keep that up, can you? Because how many, how many dates did you do of that last show? I don't know. It's loads, though, isn't it? It was a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a fair. It was two years. Yeah.

Yeah. So that's shit loads. That's shit loads. That's, yeah. So at some stage I had to kind of be like, okay, this is a job now. Yeah, you know. Can't be around out drinking with the audience.

But I can tell you, I, Jesus, I really, I'm like, really, I can, I can go. I can go. Even I was like, wow, I'm going again. It's crazy and I feel great. I look, because I love gigging so much. I love doing shows so much that, like, the balls of us, I would just go. And I think there was only once or twice in the tour that I was like, I think I tried to change or reschedule a show. Because I was like, I really, I was like, you know yourself.

You're like, 12 shows in a lot. I don't think I can. And we didn't. We never once changed anything. I just kept doing them. You know yourself, the adrenaline. He just kind of come alive. Oh, so you're saying, sorry,

when you're saying like, I can go ahead. I thought you meant you were drinking every night after the show. I was, yes. That is actually what I meant. Yeah, but then I was what you meant. Yeah, but I just to enjoy the show,

I enjoy the buzz of doing a show so much. That you're able to then. Do you want to carry it on? Yeah, I still care. Yeah. I have, I don't really get hangovers around. anything. I don't know. I'm like a cockroach. It's weird. But yeah, they get worse as you get

older. I'm 41, James. I mean, you know what I mean? Bring me another argument. I didn't know you were 41. Yeah. Okay. Well, I can't tell you that. I just as a 40 year old, told a 41 year old, heck, you hangover's going to get worse. Believe me. It's weird. It's like there, yeah, I don't know what it is. Is it a built up an immunity? I don't know. There's very little consequences. Even, but yeah, Irish drinker, we definitely have a wrap for drinking, but like, even amongst my own people, I'm a, I'm pretty, I can go. Yeah. I don't know how to describe it. Are you going to do your own Pino for this tour? Well, you'd love to, selling your own, selling out of your own booze at every venue. But you know what the

problem there is? Because I have a, someone who kind of, I don't, I have no business savvy really at all. I'm just, I don't think about stuff like that. But someone did say, why aren't you doing your own wine? And then I was like, oh, that's a great. idea. It could taste like toilet talk. I wouldn't give a shit. Anyway, they were like, the venues won't take it. Sure, they want to sell their own biz. Of course, yeah. Of course. You know what I mean? I'll let you do that. Imagine me at a desk out of the front, trying to

flop my own booze. They'd be like, you chief bastard. So, no, no merch. But you could sell it to them, you know. To the venues. Yeah. Really? I'm sure. I'm sure there's a way of doing it. Yeah. This is me talking as if I have any business acumen whatsoever. They'll find a way of ripping you off. You can sell

that on your website. Surely you can be selling your booze. But like, what calibre of wine? Like, like, Well, it doesn't matter. You're putting ice in it anyway. Yeah, Snoop Dogg is selling wine. You think that's great. Sorry, I don't put ice in wine. Okay, well, you're having it super cold? Super cold. But I won't put ice and wine. I think it's a disgrace. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Do you remember the episode of Taskmaster when Nick Muhammad? Yeah. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Do you know the story about the ice cube and the wine? It was a prize task, wasn't it? I saw the whole series. It was a prize. Do you remember we had to do, we had to bring in something you can get into, so that could be like. like maybe a hobby or obviously

because I have no imagination brought in a sleeping bag. But it was designed like Toot and Camus. That was kind of my thing. It was like how cool would it be to get into Tutankhamun's team? Anyway, Greg wasn't a fun.

Yeah, last, one point. I think next was one point to be fair. He's like the sweetest man ever and he's just so innocent or something. But he brought in the photo and like bearing in mind the production have to agree,

like I've put in stuff that they were like, you know yourself, they're like, nah, that's not really going to work. So they obviously saw this and they were like,

yeah, go for it. And it was just a glass of wine with an ice cube in and it came up on the screen and we were all like, what? And he's like, did you know,

you can add ice to wine? And how, we were just looking at it. I'm like, are you fucking on crack? He'd only discovered it at a barbecue two weeks previous. Someone had told him he could do it

and he never knew it. He didn't think anyone else knew you could do it. It was the concept of putting an ice cube in a glass of white wine and he said it so proudly, didn't he? It was like he'd, like, he'd, like, invented black hells or something.

It was like, did you know you could time travel? It was very funny. But no, I don't put ice and wine. Don't agree with this. When he was on this podcast, he said about putting a grape. Frozen grape, yeah. A frozen grape into a glass of... Lemonade or something.

He calls it summer cocktail. Of course he does. I've only recently gone into sparkling. Uh-huh. Same time as the crisps? My God, yes. Yeah, wow. You're having quite the year.

I'm having a massive gastronomical year. And I've got into it, but I quite like it when it goes flat, because it doesn't taste like still water. It's still got that like aftertaste. So I'd quite like, I suppose flat sparkling. Sparkling water has been there for a while, so it's not so like edgy. Right. Quite spiky.

That's kind of mad, isn't it, that when it goes flat, it doesn't taste like normal water. Like, what are they putting in it? whatever they used to carbonate, it is still floating around in their dead. Yeah, it's like the out breath of the gas. CO2. Carbon dioxide just floating around in water. That's what you want. It's what I want.

I'd say this is the earliest red flag we've ever had in an episode. For someone's menu. Okay, okay. No one has managed to make the water course sound disgusting yet. And this is the first time. Have you had flat? Yeah, I really don't like it. Okay.

I don't like the flat, the flat fizzy water. I don't mind it. Okay, great. I actually prefer. There's some sparkling waters that are less carbonated, that are a bit softer. Let's try after. Yeah, so I want a list of those. Bacqua.

Badawa. Badawa. Not Bacqua, because that's short for backwash, probably, isn't it? I thought that. I was like, good. Badawa. Okay. I'll have that, then. Less gas?

No, no, no, you're getting your flat sparkling water. That's what you're going to your dream mill. Yeah, I do want that. Yeah. That's what you're having. Thank you. And also that means as well that people around the table who are with me, William, Shakespeare or whatever, because, oh my God, sparkling one would blow his mind.

It would then allow everyone else to partake. Yeah. Because they wouldn't, it's like the water would be slightly off, but they wouldn't quite know why. It tastes like gone off water. Yeah. That's what it is. You know, when a hummus goes quite lemon-y, you're like, yeah, I still will, but like. And you want that?

Gone off water. Well, you haven't asked me about my side dish yet, but it will be gone off of hummus. It's quite nice when it's lemony. Sometimes I put lemon juice in the hummus to make it taste like it's gone off of it. But hummus tastes fizzy when it's gone off, I think. Well, yeah. It's the only thing that gets more sparkling as time goes on. That's so true.

Yes, silver sparkling dips. Do you like other carbonated drinks when they go flat? Because I do like it when like, you know, colas go flat and stuff like that. It's lovely. I like that as well. I used to work in a bar and when the thing would be off. And everyone would be like, oh, the syrup. It's just syrup.

That'd be my drink. Just the syrup. Just the syrup with red wine. That was very quick. Yeah, it's called a calumacho. No, it's, it's, it's busy for a california. Yeah, it's not the syrup. No, but it's,

Calamacho is half and half. Yeah. Coke and red wine. Yeah. Yeah. So I just do that with a little bit less syrup. You're doing it like a barista with a shot of espresso. Yeah.

You're doing it with the Coke. It's like an espresso wine tini. You heard it here first. An espresso wine tini. It's got nothing to do this espresso. No. No. The wine's in there, but that's fine.

I used to drink, um, uh, uni, baillies and Coke. mix it up, tastes like cake mix. Looks like vomit. Yeah, it doesn't Bailey's curdle, won't it? Oh, terribly. Yeah, yeah. So there's loads of photos in the early Facebook years of me at clubs. It looked like I've been sick in my own glass.

You were ordering that at clubs. Yeah. Yeah. It would be actually only clubs because in bars, like people would have opinions, whereas in clubs like, next one, next one. They'd be like, what? Oh, yeah, okay, fine. And they wouldn't have judgment.

So you can order anything. And after the first time you did it, they knew exactly what you were going to do. Yeah. Did you like that again? Yes. Is you fucking come. Yeah. I kind of understand why your husband only eats for fuel now.

About juicy. These things constantly. It's like, I'm all right. I just need to survive. Thank you. Yeah. I think there's a, I have a lot of combination. There's been, he did ask me if I could stop eating.

So I used to have like, not all the time, but just occasionally like kidney beans in a can drain them and then just put mayonnaise in, pop it up, eat that in a fork. He was like, can you stop? Just cat, please can you? you stop or eat it in another room. So we were in like, oh, studio flat for a while, so that I couldn't eat that. And then we've moved into a slightly like a two-bed, so then I'm able to take it to a bedroom. You've got your bean in a mayonnaise room, yeah. Yeah, I think that only happens like twice a year.

Yeah. And it's normally when I'm like quite hungover or like a bit morose. I'd say in terms of hangover food, kidney beans in the tin with mayonnaise mixed in, it's got to be the worst. That would make me feel, that would not be even sicker. The thought of it would make you feel sick, but the actual. reality of it like with most things is much better than you think. Your dream drink.

Oh, my dream. You know what I'd go for? A lichy martini. Oh, lovely. Yeah. But quite a sweet one. Not too avatical. I think we have our answer to

who's playing Bond. Just a sweet. A lorini. Very sweet. Quite sweet. No, I went to because I am a fan of a lichie martini occasionally.

And then I went to I'm not going to fucking remember the name of it, of course. I went to somewhere very fancy in L.A. for a drink with my team, and I asked for a licee martini, and it was so strong. I took one sip, and I don't drink very much. I was off my detartas. It was intense. So I would really err on the sweet, not to alcoholic side. Drinks are strong in America. So strong. I mean, it was a martini with a touch of, you know. But any drinks are just like they're just free-pouring and then putting a time.

tiny bit of mixer in. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. I take that over the sweet ones, but I get it in. Yeah. Is there a lychie popped in there?

Yeah, yeah, always. Bobbing around. Bopping around. Yeah, and then I'd go for a, because I'm allergic to wine, so I don't go for a wine, but I'd always go for a dessert wine. Because for whatever reason I think the sugar content cancels out there. What are you allergic to in the wine? Basically, the last time I had wine, I was so, so, so sick out of a cab,

but I hadn't drunk that much. Yeah. That the only answer was I'm allergic to wine because it had happened previously at a charitable dinner. So sick. So sick. And then weirdly like a hangover the next day, but an emotional one for a number of days.

Yeah. It was horrible. But I think higher sugar content and things sort of cancels that out. So dessert wine I'm okay with. Will there be, yeah, I guess, slightly lower alcohol as well. Yeah.

But yeah. What is there a particular dessert wine that you're into? I mean, Tokai, God, have actually remembered something. A toky or a so turn. Yeah. Or the Elysium. Oh, no, I don't know that.

It's a little screw tart. It's delicious. If you were Bond. Yeah. I mean, I assume you'd say yes if they offered it to you. This is so funny. Sure. Yeah.

I am Bond. Surprise, surprise. Yeah. That question, would you say yes if they offered it to you? Is absolutely, and I don't mean it like this, but that is the most clickbait journalist question you could possibly ask. Is it? Yeah, would you say yes to Bond if they offered it to you?

Of menu podcast. Daisy Ridley says that she says that she's, She would love to be Bond. Oh, sorry, Katie. I wasn't trying to get you. Exclusive in the podcast, yeah. I am Bond. Yeah, yeah.

Would you do it? Would you want to make some little alterations to it? Have a lichy martini. Maybe change some of the catchphrases. You know, do things differently. You're saying that we couldn't have a lady bond who has a normal martini. Elder flour martini. Constable flower, sparkling elder flour.

Yeah, you could say, elderflat martini for the lady. Have you ever seen Operator? Operation Mints Meets Me? Yes. Oh, it's fantastic. You know, they have the running gag with him trying to sell James Bond. Yes. Oh, it's so good.

Excellent show. It's a very, very good show. Yeah. I've actually been a number of times. You haven't seen it? Huh? Yeah, yeah. Even that.

I watch it most nights. This troop of friends did, oh, it's just one of those amazing stories. My management produced it. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. That's what the person wanted to talk to is. Yeah. Got you got me tickets.

The website crushed. I'd really love to get tickets at Operation Mintsmeat's. Tell Gumbull he can come. Gumble. I'd love to be called Gumble. Frank Gumble. Okay, well, now that you've made it that I'm changing Bond

because of the gender thing, that we can't, can't do that anymore. What do you mean? Well, I went down to have fun with the lichy martini thing, build a new bond. Yeah. Well, we can do that. No, I can't.

Any other, would you change the catchphrases or would you change the... Why? Because she's a lady. It doesn't know. It doesn't work as much as you going, would you have a martini or would you have a lichie martini?

A sweet cocktail. Would you change the catchphrases, Daisy? Oh my goodness, this is so ridiculous. You don't have to answer if you think it's going to become clickbait. I'm worried about that now. I think there was the conversation previous about Jesus in the desert. I feel like that's more. That's on us.

Yeah. That's on us. If they offer you the part of Jesus, would you take it? Would you play Jesus? Okay, you've got three options. You can play either Jesus? They're all filming at the same time. Jesus James or?

Jesus Bond or oh, what does I say for the option? No, I don't know. There was in this cocktail, what you're, what, what sort of boo? Do you not need to know? I don't even need to know. I mean, I'm really happy for like homemade. I mean, this stuff we served it, the midsummer thing was lethal.

Yeah. It was bright colours. Yeah. Flavour Fred's own alcohol. Apart from there's a lot of like poisonings I read. By flavour Fred? No, no. No, no, not by him.

He knows what's poisonous, what isn't. But, like, there's a, it's called fake alcohol, but it's not fake. It is alcoholic. People brewing their own alcohol and making it out of different things. And there's an increase in poisonings from fake alcohol. I follow a lot of Instagram accounts who make that sort of stuff. Do you? Do you? Do you make, like wine out of mountain dew and stuff? What?

And do, there's a mead guy. I follow a mead guy. Wow. What does he look like? You never see him. I love that. He makes loads of different meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But he'll make loads of different flavors and stuff and occasionally do like Mountain Dew or Dr. Pepper. Yeah. I love the idea of having, have you seen those beautiful copper gin like things? The stills. Yeah. What are they called? Gin stills, I think.

Gin stills, yeah. I think you've called them that, yeah. I mean, I can't hold my drink at all, but in this world I can. Yeah. And in this world, as well as having a forest full of edible flowers and all the rest of it, I would have a whole cellar full of gin stills. This is beautiful, isn't it? Like a whole, I'd just love to say, come, this is, welcome to my house, we can have dinner.

This is the gin room. This is the gin room. That would be great, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah, you should have a gin room. Everyone should have a gin room. So in this cocktail, you don't want to know what's in it. You just want to drink it. Yeah, I'd like it to be an entirely new alcohol made from a surprising non-poisonous ingredient.

It's delicious. And it's got glitter in it. Yeah, I'm just joking about the glycester. You know what? I was in duty-free thinking, coming back from Australia, thinking, oh, what shall I get for people? And they had a lot of, you know, alcohols that change colour when you pour them and things like that. And I looked at it and I thought, oh, that's great. And I thought, oh, no, that's not great.

That's shit. I'm too old. I'm too old for fun alcohol. Yeah. It's like a thing, isn't it? It's like a... I've not heard of alcohol that changes colour when you pour it. No, it is weird.

And it had glitter in and all the rest of it. And I was like, no, awful. I don't want any of that stuff. Want it to taste nice. Exactly. And also be a nice colour, to be honest, that matters to me. Sure. I remember gold slager used to come up quite a lot in my youth when I started drinking.

Gold. What's that? What's that? It's like... Lager with gold. No, no, it's not lager. It's like a very strong spirit, but with flakes. Flakes of gold in it.

Oh. Yes, no, I remember that. Yeah, I do remember that. I remember that from Superbad. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. The girl that he fancies wants him to get that vodka that has gold flakes in it. Yeah.

So it's a very important that he gets that for the party. It's such a gross idea. It needs to be something that puts you in a good mood, though. I remember, like, one of the drinks I'm most appreciated ever was someone bringing a bottle of espresso martini to have PTA drinks. Completely transformed the evening. Evening. Yeah, I bet. You can, yeah.

Who was it? Who was it? Was it a parent or a teacher? Yeah, parent. Parent, yeah. Got messy. Yeah. The PTA got messy.

Is that the one, is that like parents evening where you have to go and speak to all the teachers individually? Yeah. But racing through those meetings. No, there was a PTA. It was like when the parent group and the teacher group, they talk about how the parents can help school. Right. And raise money and they can, yeah, do the reading with the five-year-olds and all of that. And you're just.

all completely off your head. Going, it's not our job, guys. Nick is on the roof. We love it when our guests have delicious descriptions of food and whether they're from the culinary world or not. We've been taught some fantastic recipes from our diners. Let's hear all about food from Santiago Lustra, Anthony Porovsky, Kerry Mulligan, George Egg,

John Early and James Norton So you have these lambs that you cook in the cross Like a Patagonian style And you make a bonfire You open the lamb So it's like nice and tight in the cross And then you just salt it Like you put loads of salt in it

You rub it for like about two, three hours And then just leave it And then after that you made a bonfire and then you basically stick the cross close to the bonfire so the lamb starts cooking really slowly first from the inside and then you flip it to make the skin crispy and while you're cooking it you make a mix of like chopped garlic water lime juice and maybe some herbs like thyme or rosemary

and then you can put it like in a little in like a plastic bottle or just like a squeeze bottle or whatever and then just kind of squeeze the spray it with that while you're cooking it. So it takes around three hours to cook three and a half hours or something like that. So while you're having your starters

and, you know, like having some sparkling steel water and having a laugh or something, you're cooking that. And then when it's ready, what you do is to pull the meat out of the lab. And then... I'm laughing because Ed just slumped forward.

Like, they're just like, I literally thought Ed's entire microphone was going to go down his throat and into his tummy. Like, he just, oh, like, it was too much for him. As soon as you mind pulling the lamb, he's like, you pull the lamb, it's like, oh. What he's like, you know when the lamb is ready? Yeah. You press the skin. So when it's already crispy, you press it, and you hear the crackling, but also all the juices are like dripping down.

like and so then when you when you pull it out then you can literally just squeeze the piece of meat there will be like lots of lots of juice you know so it's amazing anyways that's that's like the main thing and then you can have like some fresh tortillas to make your own tacos of lamb yeah uh in it makes it normal you will have like a piece of wood like a chopping board you know and then with like a big clipper and then you i will put the lamb and then just pull the meat out and then just chop it with a clearer, like, and then have, like, different sides that you can decide, you know, because I don't know who am I with.

Are we together? I mean, whoever you want to you. It's your dream. It's your dream slash last meal. Yeah. You're about to die, remember? We're not going to be offended if we're not there. No, it just depends, you know, because some people...

Yeah, it's the best meal heads ever had, and he's just hearing about it. So it depends, you know, but you can have mashed potatoes, or you can just do, like, tacos with it. Or you can have it, like, as a main course with, like, some roasted, braised purple cabbage and mashed, purple cabbage and mashed potatoes and, like, a lamb. Or you could have, like, a more Mexican thing, just, like, tacos of lamb. So, yeah, so that's the main course, you know? Incredible. Have you ever buried a lamb? What?

Have you ever, like, dumb? dug a pit and then put the fire in there and then let it go out a bit and put some damp hay on there and then put the lamb in there and bury it and then cooked it that way? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's barbacoa. So that's a different thing. Yeah, so then for that one, you have to break down the lamb first. So you just separate by different parts.

And then there's two different styles in Mexico, birria and barbacoa. So with the birria, you have to do like a chili paste, like with different chilies and like maybe tomato, garlic. onion, you blend that into, like, a paste, like, marinate, and then you marinate the lamb with it, and then you, normally in Mexico, we'll wrap it with agave leaves, so like burned agave leaves. It looks like, like, aloe vera with, like, really big.

And then you wrap, wrap the lamb with that, and then underneath, you put a pot and, like, a streaming tray. So then all the juices from the lamb and the, and the, and the, and the, and the agave drip into the water underneath, so it becomes a broth. So you will normally have that. And then you cook that with stones. You put wood, then stones, then with the wood, the fire consumes, then the stones are really hot. So it can keep the heat.

And then you close that down with like leaves and soil. And so then it becomes like a pressure cooker. And it cooks for a long time. And then you have that in the morning. So you have breakfast. You just like normally in the fields. So you just open that up, take the lamb out. And then you have people doing tortillas in there in the side.

And then you just have that as a breakfast. with the broth in the scythe, you know, yeah, of the juices, you know, so that's barbacoa. So that's how you do it. Yeah, that's beer, yeah, exactly. There's a lot of steps in that that I think a friend of ours didn't do. Yeah, really? Yeah, and that might be why his lamb came out raw, like, as raw was when he, him and his best friend. Did it be soft touch his garden. Yeah, in soft touch his garden, yeah. Let me know, I can, I can't go next time and just do it. Yeah, well, I think, yeah, we'll let him know. It's all the help we can get.

No, it's good. Like, if anyone does, like, one of those things, I like to go. You know, like, it's good to do it, you know? Like, you normally don't have, like, a big hole that. Yeah. And, like, a lot of people. Well, so it's good to do it, you know. There's not a lot of gardens, but garden spice.

Yeah, exactly. This is not something that you do every day. Like, in Mexico, the restaurants will have, like, a backyard on the ground ovens, and some restaurants. And they will do the land there. But we don't have that here. We can't deep holes in Marleybans. Unfortunately.

But I also like the sound of this Jesus lamb. Yeah, I like that one. I just think this easier. Yeah. And also, I like the roasted flavor of the skin, like the caramelization that you don't get when the lamb is cooked under the ground. You don't get that because it's steamed. I mean, it's still really delicious, but you don't get this roasted flavor.

I rather the roasted flavor. So also, when you're describing it, and, you know, obviously I just got my friend here next to me, like flopping his body all over the place and drawing. all over the shop and it's the whole thing, but like when you were saying about, you had it there for a long time and you can go up and then you just pull the meat and you test it and stuff. The bit in the Jesus

crucifixion story that's never really made sense to me is that the Roman centurion goes over to him at the end and just to check that he's dead, he sticks a spear in his side and it does that. And it sounds like quite a similar thing. I'm like, they're like, right, I think he's done now and he goes over

and just puts a spear in him. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's, he's done. That's all the juices coming down. Yeah, I'm not sure of all that. As a kid, I was always like, I don't get why they're doing that. Surely they know. Yeah, but the lamb was there. They know if they've done the job or not.

Why is the centurion going on? Santiago makes a good point. The lamb is dead already before you put on. You're not checking if it's dead or not. Yeah, exactly. You're checking if he's cooked or not. You know, like, if he's cooked it to perfection. No, I thought you were just getting a lamb.

Please never do this, because you are going to get a live lamb, put it on a Crucifix. Yeah, exactly. You can't do that. And then check if he's dead or not before serving a draw. It takes about 10 minutes for the wool to burn off. You need to get a dead first. That's important.

Hard to get a... Yeah, but I wasn't, I wasn't specific about that. Yeah, the lamb was dead and had a good death before he was marinated with the salt. Yeah, yeah. When you do it, do you... I wasn't specific about it. Do you put two other criminal lambs either side? Yeah.

Two criminals. That's very important. Depends how many guests comes. Yeah. But I mean, like, I think one lamb is enough for like 12 people. 12, 15 people. Disciples. The last supper.

It is the last supper. Yeah, there we go. We need more people. This is great. How do you do a side dish to a charcuter people? Yeah. Doesn't matter. Do you forget who we were speaking to here?

It doesn't matter. I clearly chose cheese and meat as, like, my main course. There wasn't a single vegetable listed there. And I'm promoting health and wellness on queer eyes. So we've clearly on left field here. All right. So my mind went, my mind just kind of did, like, do you watch severance? Yes. I just kind of split into two.

One side of me is like, I don't know why I keep going to like this would be my last meal. So I'm like, I'm a little slut for caviar. I'm sorry. I am not sorry about it. We had it as kids. My parents would bring it from Poland. It was a lot cheaper. I know it's an elitist thing.

but having that over soft scrambled eggs or a tub of that over ice with some, like, perfect, like, kettle crisps so they can carry it with a bit of crem fresh and a bit of, like, finely diced chives. And then there's the other side of me that wants, like, the best mac and cheese ever. So do you know a thing called Hamburger Helper?

You know what? I've heard it so much on TV shows and in films. I still don't know what it is. It's like an instantie boxed mac and cheese. You add your ground meat, and Americans decided, yeah, we're going to call that a meal. And I was denied that kind of. food growing up because my parents ate really well so we weren't allowed to have like trashy food

and so what one of my favorite things to do on a sunday or if i'm visiting like friends of mine and like sundays like my day where i just like it's like no holds barred like i eat whatever the hell i want i don't work out like it's very it's like a lazy day and to make a vat of mac and cheese using all my favorite cheese is cavitopi pasta or a bowtie every once and all depending on like and then throwing in like ground beef or even like bison or lamb or ground turkey and just having that bake with like that crispy like those crispy edges when they get browned and you get to like peel them off because it's one of those things like your lasagna third time we mention it you have it when it's warm but then you go back and you have it cold and it's so good it's so good especially when it goes from like really hot because i can't help myself and i end up burning my mouth when you eat it when it's colder you actually taste it a lot better right like some of the flavors are more pronounced i think could you combine these two could you put caviar on the mac and cheese is that insane everyone's dumping cavil caviar on everything these days. Honestly, it's like, it's not for me.

Like, I don't think caviar should be warmed up. It should be eaten as cold as possible, even though I put it on soft scrambled eggs sometimes. No, I keep, for me, it's church and state. Like, keep both of those separate. The caviar thing, it just seems to be like a status thing. I know. It's like gold on steak.

Yeah, it's like gold flakes. Gold flakes piss me off. Sorry, gold miners. No, but it's just so useless because it doesn't taste like anything. and it's so performative. It's so dumb. It's for the picture. Yeah, exactly. And caviar is something that's so delicious and lux and oceanic,

and it's like creamy when it's done right. And I mean, even salmon row, if you want the cheaper stuff with some sticky rice, a little quayle egg and some uni, wrap it up and some toasted nori. So for the mac and cheese. Yeah, sorry, back to the topic. Which meat are you going for in there for your dream, your dream meal? What would you like? The meat that's mixed in?

Yeah. Some good quality ground beef. Like a 70 to 80, 80 to 20 ratio. It's got to be fatty enough so you can actually taste it. Brown. I just, I love ground beef. Like, as much as I love a tomahawk, I love having a good steak with my dad. It's like our ritual when I go visit him.

A beautiful, like, pork chop is delicious when it's still pink in the inside, but, or duck. But ground beef for me is like, it's such joy. It's a burger. It's what I use when I make like a lazy bolognese during the week and I want to like, don't want to spend the whole day in the kitchen. It's just the texture of it is, it's what I use for meatloaf. Like, it's just, ground meat is the best. If we're going for the caviar option, is it with the crisps, the potato chips, if you will?

Crisps, potato chips just kind of dipped in. I don't want flavors. There's a French brand called Breton, B-R-E-T-O-N, which is very prevalent here. It's hard to find in the U.S. Those are really good, the ridgy ones. They have to be solid. Lays are very good, but they're so thin that sometimes when you put it into the caviar, they just break apart.

Wow, first world problems. Don't you hate it when your chip breaks in caviar? I mean, that should be the name of this podcast, to be fair. So there's a, you know, trigger warning at the top of every episode, that's world problems. Those are both problems. We're about to complain. No, but you know what I mean?

Like, you want them to be sturdy enough to, like, carry. And I love a fresh bleany, but the crunch of the salt on salt, it goes nicely. We did it with Pringles on Christmas Eve. I'd fuck with that. Yeah, it was really good. But that is, you can't be dipping. You're spooning. Well, unless you take two or three of them.

Pringles are the most satisfying when you take 10 of them. Yeah. You put them in and it's that crunch. Oh, yeah. That is good at you. That tin is so satisfying. Have we not talked about that on the podcast yet? Crunch in multiple Pringles.

Do you want to know something really random that was just an intrusive thought in my brain? And I started speaking, so I guess I will. You want to know when I learned that I was going through puberty? Yes, I do. That wasn't my next question. It's not talking. When I remember putting my hand into a tin of Pringles and it didn't fit. And I was like, whoa.

I'm, like, becoming a big boy. Yeah, yeah. I've never thought of that before, but I just remembered that thought. I'm becoming a big boy. Isn't that weird? I had a really similar thing. I don't think I said big boy, but yeah, sorry, go ahead. I had a very similar thing when I was going through Puberty.

I'd go on. I did it. I knew it. It's all up. But Pringles. Careful ladies. So, every time you have Pringles, do you think about that moment? I don't, but it literally just hit me now when you described having them.

now on every time you have Pringles, you're going to think about when you realize you were going through puberty. Yeah, and I hope all of your lovely viewers try to think about when, when they first hit puberty and like what that felt like. Getting contact, so send Benito an email. When did you first go through puberty? There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every single detail, please. Thank you so much. I realized I was going through puberty when I looked in the mirror and I had a mustache like the Pringles man. Yeah. Yeah. So the Pringles man standing back at you. It's like five hairs.

Yeah. Julius Pringles. One of our first bits of material when I started doing stand-up was a bit that I thought was relatable about like, I'd say, hey, everyone, do you remember when you're in school and you didn't have pubes yet, but you told everyone that you did? And there's just absolutely silent and you're like, well, I guess that's that. I guess that's not a reliable bit of material. That was the first draft, back to the writing table. Okay. No, no, that's lied about pubes. You've got to try these things. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yes, that's what the

open mic circuits for. Yeah. I will eat now and again, I'll be eating peanut butter with a spoon. I'll definitely take a little bit. What I like to do is get a teaspoon peanut butter and then dip it in jam. That's nice. It's just have it on a teaspoon, just split peanut butter and jam. Yeah. That's great. Now and again, I'll do square of chocolate, a spoon full of peanut butter

straight on top. Date, medial date, peanut butter inside. It's like a Snickers. That's fancy. If you haven't had a Snickers in a long time. Never had, doesn't it? Yeah. If for some reason Snickers aren't available in your area, but medule dates and peanut butter are. You are set. I started putting those, and I don't I think I've got a pretty standard gym,

but they started just putting medial dates out for free. That's not a standard gym, man. That's not standard. It is a standard gym. It's a very bog standard, and they just suddenly started doing it. Well, it's bog standard, though.

It's just got regular equipment. It's not fancy. What else do you get for free? Yeah. Nothing. You don't get. Well, there's free fruit Fridays. Is the dates included in the free fruit Fridays?

No, no, no. Do they have towels that? Do you have to bring your own towel? Yeah. You've to bring your own towel. I had to shower there for a few. weeks because we're having building work done and I had to

bring my own towel. Okay. So they don't do towels but they do do dates? Yeah. That is weird. That's a weird gym, isn't it? They stopped doing the dates now but for a little while there were dates. How long were they doing dates? It was like on like random days for about a month. You never knew when there was a be dates. Stones in or stones out?

I never picked one up so I don't know if the stones were in or stones were out. I can't resist. I was like I'm not doing, I'm here. I'm here to work out. I'm not stuff in my face with dates. Good post workout snack, though. It is very good. I don't know enough about that stuff. Don't risk it.

I'm like, I'm not eating. That's the trick. I bet if I eat that, try and come back tomorrow and my membership's been revoked because I didn't pass the test. What's the test in that scenario? You ate food.

You're not allowed here again. Resist. Yeah, yeah. Free fruit Fridays always take advantage. There's a bowl of apples, bowl of pears, bowl of bananas. I try and get there early on free fruit Fridays. Otherwise, nothing but pears.

Pears get left. Last. They're the last one. Yeah, you're not eating that after a while, They're kind of messier to eat, I suppose. Yeah. People, either eating bananas on the way in or eating apples on the way out.

Mm-mm. Where are you having a pair? Are you not eating an apple on the way in? Would that be out of the question? Yeah, it's not doing you any good. Right. A banana's going straight to your legs. That's what my mum says.

Yeah. Correct. Hang on. What do you mean correct? Like, as in it gives you straight in your legs, is that not a thing? Yes. How can it gives you strengthen your legs?

I remember my mum always being like, have a banana. Go straight to your legs? Yeah. Do you've heard this phrase? Just now. Why did you take that in your stride so much? That's one of the weirdest phrases I've ever heard. It goes straight to your legs as in like fortifies you and gives you energy.

Go straight to your legs. I would think of a phrase like if someone said, oh, I don't eat that, it goes straight to my hips, which doesn't mean fortified, doesn't it. That means put weight on. No, mum doesn't say that. But a banana goes straight to your legs. As in it gives you strength to like run up a hill.

Yeah. Because also now I'm imagining someone's legs going bending like a banana. Oh, no. No. I've got the wrong end of the stick back. I got a completely the wrong end of the stick. Yeah. Go straight to your legs.

I think all of it can be true Yeah Where does the date go then Well dates Unfortunately dates are just quite sugary Aren't they? Yeah Yeah you see

This is the trap they were laying I'm not going to fall for that There's so much conflicting advice on dates I can't sift through it all But do you want As a little bonus dish Yeah For your dream menu

I can give you the date With the peanut butter in it Yeah I don't want that till the end though Let's save it Put a pin in that We'll come back to it That will come in to play So what is this main course

have you got lots of options because we can help maybe narrow it down or are we in a scenario where you can't remember any of them I can't remember anything well no I can't remember going to like a restaurant I can't think of like oh I went to this restaurant like mescal went to Tuscany and had italy you know pastor and whatnot I can't do that I can't remember places what I want to eat the most which is so pathetic is like burned vegetables okay let's let's pick this apart I want it to like, like a butternut squash, chopped up, roasted in the oven, feta cheese, avocado, butter beans, but the bold beans, have you had those? No. Oh my God.

I never cared about butter beans before in my life. And these bold beans are like insane. And then pine nuts and then loads of dressing. It's not, it's very rare that I completely change my opinion. But that's exactly what I want. I'm so sorry. No, I know. No, no.

When you said burnt vegetables. Oh, I know, I know. I thought disaster. You described it, or delicious. Delicious. But you can do it with cauliflower, you can do it broccoli, but that's sort of what I do on rotation always. Like hack something up, get it to almost burn,

like really, really roasted, chardon, like, yeah. And then avocado, feta, pine nuts, lots of dressing, delicious. That does that sound absolutely delicious. That's fantastic. Yeah, yeah. And it is a nice, easy thing to make at home that is very tasty every time. Yeah. Well, on board.

for that. What are these bold bins, a type of bean or is it like a... It's a company, it's a company. Yeah. Isn't it be eating these? They are so good. Are they in a tin or a jar?

They're in a tin. Wait, they're in a jar. Oh my God. Fuck. No, that was good because you said tin, but you acted jar. I know. I need to go to sleep. They're in a...

We have that effect on a lot of guests. Yeah, you were not first. They're in a jar. They're in a jar. Yeah. Do a little drainage. Yeah. They'll wash them off, but they are so delicious.

And you make. those in after you've charred everything. Benito's now showing us the bold beans. There you go. Thank you, Benito. Why does they say 27? Oh, that's for lots of them, though. It's got to be buying in bulk. Queen butter beans.

Yeah. What's the... That's six jars for 27. Queen butter beans. They're so good. Looks like a big jar as well. It's a big jar. It's like, yes big.

Yeah. Six for 27. What's that? What's the math on that? Why are you looking at me? I'm not going to be able to do that. Nope. I don't think.

Per bean. What does it work out per bean, Benito? 48 for 12. I feel like. By direct, Sainsbury's marking that up. Yeah, you should be bulk buying those bold beans. I really should. They also sell out.

Yeah. Couldn't get them from Sainsbury's. They sent me chickpeas. Look, I hate to break it to you, Kerry. Now you've mentioned them on this podcast. You're never going to be able to get them again unless they will get in contact with you. What, bold beans? Yeah, bold beans will get in contact with you.

I want some first. Bold beans will get in contact with you. Okay, thank God. But you better answer the call otherwise. Yeah. This is going to be flying off the shelves. You want to get them again? I couldn't get them last week.

There you go. It's because you didn't come on this podcast. And now your life's about to change. As long as you remember that you were on this podcast because you're saying that you forgets, you can't remember any meals you've ever had. You've got to remember that. Or what tins or jars are.

Does it help as an actor to not remember your own life? Your blank canvas constantly. Yeah, probably, yeah. The more tired I get, probably. Maybe I'll get better. You can just completely be the character. Just full severance all of the time. Walking into a new job.

Who am I today? I don't know. Someone else. Who's the character you've played that you most were just like, got lost in? Did you not remember that? Got lost in the character. You're like, I feel like I'm that person now.

Oh, I've never had that. Never had it? No, although when I did The Seagull when I was 21, that's probably the most idealistic version of that I've had because I was 21 and playing Nina and I was like very into it. I loved it. What happens in the Seagull?

What's that? It's Chekhov. It's a tragedy. Well, kind of a tragedy comedy, I think. but um who played the seagull i would have really convincing fake seagull and mackenzie crook played constantine and christin scott thomas was in it and that was very i was very into that that's pretty good that's a pretty good cast it was a good cast she was alleged to for mackenzie christian and i was really really absorbed in that but that's yeah i mean maestro i guess

i was very into but i wasn't none of it all of it is like you know take the wig off at the end of the day and crack on. So the very first episode, I got a cheese and onion bake from Greg's, opened it up like a pocket, putting some pickled jalapinos at it, talked about it. Yeah, that was it. Yeah. Really simple. But I did seven episodes, put them out, and they just seemed to, it was one of those

things where, you know, got traction immediately. A lot of people were excited by them. A lot of the followers started going up, and then we carried on making them. And at the time of recording, there's about 105, 106 episodes. And I started out with interfering with existing snacks, and it's kind of, it's evolved. And because I just say that the snack hacker is a much better name than the snack interferer.

Yes, but it's funny as well. Slightly for not funny when you're in prison, isn't it? There is one little section of outtakes I've got of when I was so much later on about episode 80. I did something else with a, that sounds really awful as well. But I used the Gregg's cheese and onion pasty again, but to make a kind of like cauliflower cheese. taking cauliflower chips, which is so nice. So I'll just tell you what you do really quickly.

So a lot of them do involve a bit of actual cooking because I'm in the cooking. So you get a slice of cauliflower, you cook it in brown butter, you toast some hazelnuts, because hazelnuts and cauliflower and cheese, really nice combination. Go down to Griggs, get a cheese and onion pasty, open it up, cauliflower in there, crushed hazelnuts, onions, the burger onions, you know, the kind of crispy ones that is on every street food thing at the moment. loads of those put the lid back on eat that oh my god so anyway that's absolutely heavenly but at the start we thought it would be funny to have a little to camera a bit where I'm saying you know three years ago I interfered with a cheese and onion pasty and we we must have done

about 30 takes and then we've stitched them all together we might put out some time of me just corks in constantly and then trying to make it sound better and it ended up sounding that does sound like the worst lockdown ever you got bored and you started interfering with the cheese and onion pasta while your son filmed it So there is a thing that I make that shocks everyone. I got it from a restaurant that does not make it anymore. It's a christini. So you cut thin slices of an Italian country bread.

And this actually contradicts exactly what I was saying. Then you dry it out so it is cracker-like. Then you put like a slab, a pad of cold butter. on it, like a rectangle of butter. And then you put a manchovee. A manchovy. You put an anchovy that's been marinated

in Calabrian chili, a spicy anchovy. Yeah. A spicy anchovy. A manchovie. A manchovie. And then you put thinly sliced shallot. Y'all don't call them shallots, do you? Shalot. Oh, oh.

Same word. Same word. Different pronunciation. Okay. And then parsley. I'm almost done. Parsley on top of that lemon juice on top of that and then Parmesan on top of that Now you're thinking like Okay, yeah

Simple Italian ingredients The combination of all these things Texturally and on a flavor level is shocking And that's my time It sounds delicious to go Absolutely delicious It's so good

And I was on board with the thick slab of butter I was like This is going in a direction I like I nearly shout It takes me to church It sounds amazing People really, like, when they see you assemble it, they're always like, okay, with the butter. Shut up.

It just trusts me. It's like, it's so good. And it's really sweet laying the anchovy on its little butter bed. Yeah. Because it is one fish. Yeah. You know, it's a filet. It's, you really feel that.

Yeah. It's crazy how different anchovies look when they're like in the tin to how they looked initially. I don't know what they look like initially Well if you had like fresher anchovies Where they're more like just like white fish Right oh right right right yeah so I guess they look a bit more like Just like small fish yeah But when they're all like brown and lying there

I know they've really changed those They're quite I mean they're gross Like they are It's taking me a while to get over the kind of like Of anchovies but now I'm fully like I'll be using them left or right anyway You only need one per thing right because they're punchy Yeah yeah but some you got to make sure

it's a big one that can lay across the bed. Yeah, yeah, of butter. And you're tucking in with a parsley blanket. The first time I've ever heard about anchovies was just on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles. Oh, right. They were like, they were like, it's gross. They hated them. Yeah, and I was like, okay, so I guess they're disgusted

then, because I'd never had one before. And it wasn't really something I came across for years. Yeah. And then when I did happen, I was like, you know, the big fuss was about Michael Angelo getting, turning his nose up at this. This is quite Nice. And he was a party dude, famously.

Meant to be. Meant to be the party dude, and he was like, I don't like anchovies. But he put weird stuff on the table. Yeah, it's so fussy for the good party. Yeah. I think it's so... He's in this fucking sewer. His best friend's a rap.

Really? Yeah. Well, I didn't know. I didn't watch that stuff. No. I didn't watch that stuff. I'm sorry, y'all. What did you watch when you were a little kid?

Girl stuff. No, I watched a lot of... I watched a lot. I mean, I was really left alone with the TV, you know, and I watched a lot of I Love Lucy. Ah, a lot. Was she big here? I don't think so.

Not that I like hair. Not as big hair. Have you never watched it? I don't think I've ever watched it. You guys? It's still the funniest shit on Earth. Yeah? It is so, she is so funny.

I follow it. I fall everything Lucille Ball on Instagram. I was like cackling to my same. the other day. Still. Yeah. Well, that's more... I mean, I don't think about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that much, so that's clearly she's got more longevity than... Clearly.

In Donatello and the rest of the lads. Yeah. Wait, but really quickly, anchovies, don't you think it's so crazy that they were, like, processing each individual anchovy? I mean, I'm sure they're not, like, by hand. They probably have a way to do it all at once. Maybe an old man on the can is doing that. Well, they're taking the skeleton out, right? Or, you occasionally feel like there's bones in there, right?

But those ones in the jars that are so soft. Yeah. How the hell are they doing that, y'all? With the soft bones. Yeah. But they must be taking the little spine out and stuff. That's crazy. That is so small.

Yeah, yeah. Some of those fish can get expensive. They're like those tinned fish. I know. You can buy like really crazy expensive stuff. I know. That's really a sign that we're on the way out. Don't you think?

Yeah. That tin fish has become so expensive. Yeah, yeah. We know, I mean, yeah. Every day. How often, how many times a day would you say you think to yourself, even over the smallest things, we're fucked? I mean, I think it's so kind of ambient now. I mean, but do you remember when you first started?

Like, like, 2000, maybe 13. I remember me like, and then, and I was like, well, this feeling was. go away and then it didn't and now we're used to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're used to it now. Yeah, yeah. And now we watch films about dying and going in the afterlife to comfort ourselves. Yeah, yeah. In theaters, this

Thanksgiving. Which y'all even celebrate. It's too close to Christmas. What are you guys doing? No. Yeah, you guys... Tell me about it. I have to go to Nashville where I'm from. Yeah. Twice. Like, in a month's time. Which I love, I can't wait to see my family. Yeah. But, like, that's...

That's a lot, that's two big old trips. Yeah, that's crazy. And then 900 months between that where I'm not going. That's crazy. I'm going to order the best asparagus, in-season asparagus in the world, cooked like steamed perfection, with the best parmesan in the world, with olive oil. And I've got a memory of a...

Best olive oil in the world? Best olive oil in the world. Probably from this place I went to in Croatia called Eastria, which has like four of the 10. 10 best olive oils in the world. Oh, wow. And if you're a foodie, it's amazing. It's a little peninsula on the east coast of Croatia, where it borders of Italy.

And it's very small, but they have four of the 10 best olive oils in the world. And they're also like the truffle capital of the world. So I love the truffle butter. That's going to come from there. That's coming from there. And on top of my asparagus and the best parmesan is there's just loads of loads of black truffle shavings. And I have a vague memory of a delicious, sort of very, very...

sophisticated starter with asparagus and a tiny scotch egg because I feel asparagus and egg and with it. So I think that it gives you that kind of slight meat sharpness. When you say tiny scotch egg, it's like a quail thing. Like a quail scotch. Yeah. But not yeah, not dry.

Like, you know, wet. Runny in the middle. Yeah, yeah. Indulgent. I love scotch egg. Yeah. That could be on the snacks list actually. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a fucking ever-growing snacks.

A tiny, a tiny scotch egg. It's on the snacks. Delicious scotch egg. with like just the most beautiful asparagus with parmesan and maybe some pine nuts. I really like this hack that you've developed, which I don't think anyone's done before, where you don't know where it's from or really what it is, but you just say the best in the world.

Yeah. Best Parmesan in the world. Where from? Just the best in the world, take it. Based on current available data, best one in the world. Just looking at which. I mean this in the nicest way possible, James. It's like having a five-year-old.

on the podcast. Best in the world. I think I was Googling on the way here, like best balsamic vinegar, best asparagus. Where is the best asparagus from? I mean, that is great because it's something that we haven't really talked about much on the podcast because it hasn't come up.

But people are saying, like, I don't just want it to be a specific one I've had. I want it to be the best in the world. Well, this is the perfection thing again. This is like, you know, I want, I've only got one go at that, unless you don't even have me back.

I've only got one go at the dream restaurant. Well, you're going to come back and change your in a couple of months. James grabbed us outside. We're about to go and record an episode with someone else. They're waiting outside now in the hall. Yeah, he's asked to move tables.

I love it. We've been recording this for weeks. Keep changing it. No, I think, yeah, like, it's probably my person under the perfection, the perfection project, whatever you want to call it. And I mean, there are.

Like, people talk about these kind of ranked things, don't they? So why not? I've got a fucking genie here. Yeah, yeah, got a fucking genie. So do you buy what other people say about it. So if someone said, this is the best restaurant in London, would you go and be like, yes, it was, and I'm glad I've

been to the best restaurant in London. And same with Parmesan. If someone said, this is the best parmesan in the world, you'd be like, yes, it is. Well, I probably would, I would probably buy into it. I mean, I haven't eaten all the restaurants in London. I have definitely not eating all the Parmesan. So I can't really kind of say whether or not it is or not, but I do enjoy like a ceremony around food as well. I don't know much about wine, but if someone says to me, this is a really nice wine, I'll like really enjoy it and say, take your time over it. I like the kind of

being with kind of the sort of what they call, like the leaders of a certain discipline. Yeah. The best in the world. The best in the world. The pioneers. The best in the world. The pioneers, the best of the world. The virtuosos are wherever they are. Yeah. And so someone tells me

it's the best Parmesan world, I'll believe them. And I'll enjoy it and it's, you know, I've got a genie. You got a genie. I can make it all. Best asparagus. Best Parmesan. Best oil, best truffle, best salt. I've sort of replaced your God, haven't I? The omnipotent, omniscient genie. Yeah, more of like

I don't know, one of the angels, the seraphim. But cooking methods aren't the only things we've learnt this year. We've been taught about performative males, weightlifting, and wine glasses. And James taught one guest, a really good joke.

You're darn tooting. Here's Joy Crooks, Emily Campbell, John the Ankunao Nair. Have you also seen those men on the internet that there's a man that's a professional sparkling water head and he can guess every sparkling water and he's like from New York, Italian and knows exactly which is which,

which is kind of amazing, just testament to the fact that sparking water is so flavourful. Yes, and some of the very different. I mean, Vicky, our old friend Vicky, she's salty so salty yeah and then bad war

do you know bad war I don't know it Bedoit Badwa Badwa BAD hour Bad hour A very light sparkle A very gentle sparkle

That's nice Yeah But is it secretly aggressive Possibly Like a submarine Yeah Submarine water Yeah

Yeah in the esophagus It does have a submarine In the esophagus It does have a submarine in the esophagus feel to it doesn't it Sparkling water Yeah. It does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It does. I think if I realized that my palate was good enough that I could tell the difference between sparkling waters, even though I'd recognize that that is a talent that not a lot of people have, I don't know if I would pursue it. I think it would be too boring. I think you'd be a performative male if you did that. A performative male? Yeah.

I mean, you're quite a performative male. Is there any other type of male? Yeah. Well, kind of. There's like Premier League male. There's Champions League male, depending on where your Prem is. And then there's performative males. And do you think a Prem and Champion League male will have a matcher? Probably not.

Can you talk us through the Premier League and Championship males? And then why is that, why are they football based? And then why do we go straight down to? I'm just giving you examples of other types of males. Yeah. Can you give us maybe through like celebrities, Who's a Premier League male, who's a Champions League male, and why? Yeah.

Let me think of a celebrity that's a Premier League male. So they can't be in the top four because they can't be a Champions League male. Well, they could be. They could be Arsenal. I'm Arsenal. Okay. Wait, let me think. Well, what are the qualities?

A celebrity? What kind of celebrity are we talking? Well, I don't know, because I don't know what the... Okay, so like Romish Ranganathan. Yeah. He's definitely a Champions League and a Prem male. because he's Arsenal, so we're both now. But hold on, but what about his personality makes him that?

But it's really performative male to both to go to the football staff and not focus on performative males. We don't know what they are, Jo. I'll give an example. I'm going to make you a Ben diagram. I'm going to make you a Venn diagram. Okay, let's make it easy. When you're at a football match and you're, let's say,

a performative male goes to a football match, this is going to be really, really important. The pen male is going to have, like, a Carlsberg, right? But the performative male is having an asahi. Right. I'm having an asahi.

But isn't performative not since you're just doing it for everyone else and to... Basically, yeah. But what if you generally like a matcher on your way to the Emirates? And at the Emirates, you're not just having an asahi.

You're having an asahi from the self-pouring station. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But that sounds nice. Yeah. No, it does sound nice,

but I'm still saying that is a performative male thing to do. And he probably has like a carabina run. and... Oh, no. They're helpful for holding your keys. That's why Carabina's useful. You can clip your keys onto your jeans.

Yeah, well, I like carabinas, but that's a different story. But we're getting lost here. I'm completely lost. I'm completely lost. No, I get it. James, I think you're stressed because maybe you suffer from the symptoms of performative male. I'm aware that the performative male is being leveled at both of us. But I'm trying to figure out what that says about us.

Do you watch meditations of an anxious mind? No. No. Oh, he's a funny fellow from Dublin called Frankie. And he goes around and just makes cultural observations. Mm-hmm. And his Instagram is Meditations of an Anxious Mind. And he does a whole sector on like performative males.

And I think maybe on top of the Bin Laden homework, obviously M.C. Bin Laden, a homework that you're doing. Maybe you should add that to the list as well. Yeah. Same birthdays, Mirz, I'ma bin Laden. No way. Yeah. What's that?

March 10th. That's a nice day. Me, Osama bin Laden, Drew Barrymore, John Hamm. I'm David Cameron and Bala Hadid. It's like all the best people in the world. All my favourite. All my favourite people, actually. Pop-lums or bread! Pop-lums or bread!

Joy, folks! Pop-lums or bread! Joy's spilled her coffee. I've just spilt the coffee. The best. I did it. I finally did it. I made someone spill their drink.

I thought you were really passionate about Zodiac for a second. Yeah. Oh, I am. And I would have gone, that's it. That's the most performative male thing you've done today. I think bread or proffodoms is potentially one of the most defensive things you can ask me. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So my mom's Bangladesh and my dad's Irish. So that's like asking me to choose between mom and dad, you know? Yeah. We should change the question to mum or dad. My dad. I should shout mum or dad at people. Yeah.

Well, it wouldn't work for everyone. No, it wouldn't work for everyone, would it? Some people would be like, oh, obviously my grandma. Yeah. Or neither. Or I'm an orphan. Yeah, I'm an orphan. orphan would be, yeah.

No, but we've got a very strict role in the podcast. We don't have orphans. No orphans. It's too traumatic, isn't it? And it's not about trauma bonding. It's about taste bonds, right? I love soda bread and I love popatoms. Yeah.

I ate popadums last night and almost ordered soda bread this morning. But instead, for breakfast, I had a chicken birriani and a protein shake. 10 o'clock this morning. Yeah. A birriani 10 o'clock this morning? Was this leftover, or are you cooking it fresh? You're cooking it fresh at 10. It's not going to be yummy at 10 is it if you cook it fresh,

but like it's nice from the night before. Yeah, it's so good. Great. Keeps cooking in the fridge, I think. I agree with you. Yeah. Yeah, it just, yeah, it ruminates. Yeah, it ruminates.

It ruminates and marinate. Yeah. That would be the name of, if I ever had a restaurant. Ruminate marinate. Ruminates and marinates. No, I think it'd just be called housewife. I want everything to be called housewife. Why?

I don't know. Just like the word. Yeah. So what are you doing tonight, house of life? Yeah. Just sounds right? Yeah, I can't really choose between the tea. Sorry.

Have both. Yeah, yeah. They have both if it's because I think it's a reasonable, like some people might try and hack the system and say both. But your one is quite a personal reason. Yeah. It's your parents. Yeah. You know.

It's not going to look good on us. Yeah, you don't want to look cancelled as basically. You don't want to get cancelled. Yeah, yeah. That's not real, is it? Well, no. I'm not afraid of getting cancelled. because it only lasts for 20 minutes anyway.

Yeah, it's not real. Stop moaning Jimmy Carr. You're not cancelled, mate. He's one's Jimmy Carr again. Yeah, exactly. But you wouldn't know because he's cancelled. That's why you don't know. He has the one with the suits.

Yes. He did the Don't laugh, don't laugh at all. Don't laugh at all. That show is huge, don't laugh at all. Yeah, he hosts, don't laugh at all. And Richard. But, um... Yes.

I'd love if it was called Don't laugh at all. Don't laugh at all. Did you try to play it while when I was on television? No. I try to not laugh. No, I play Guess the Fee when I watch that show. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because everyone will have different ones, you know. They're all on, it's a sliding scale on, I don't like at all.

Wow. I think we might have entered the dread time of comedy. The dread time? Dread time of comedy, yeah. What do you mean? I mean, like, you guys obviously bitch like anyone else about your industry. Like, obviously, I love a good music bitch. We were having a little music bitch out there a second ago. I can't repeat what we said, obviously, but it's like when I listened to the Bob episode

that you guys did and he talked about going for dinners to basically bitch about the industry. Yeah, I think about that a lot. Yeah, I really,

I didn't know that I'd enter that for 10 seconds whilst sitting here with you guys. Yeah, well, guess the fee is bitchy. Guess the fee is bitchy. Yeah,

it's fun as well, though. You know, I can guess the fee for Richard because he lives near me and I always look at his house and I go, television money. Television money.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But also the Lycra he wears to the gym is like, that's buttery soft. Oh, is it? Yeah, that's not cheap shit. I'll tell you that for free.

I cannot imagine Richard I-YD in Lycra. I can. Well, you don't need to. I couldn't make eye contact. You can't look at a man in Lycra. No. I don't know how people do fibicides when that happens. Surely eye contact is what you want with the Lycra,

because there's no Lycra on the eyes. It's the one bit that you can look at. Yeah, but you always accidentally look at people's cocks when they're in Lycra. Yeah, sure. That's why you're meant to wear Shores. over it. Yeah, yeah.

You know when men just wear leggings? That's crazy. It's a violation. You get people like that? Have you had that with weight lifting? People going,

I reckon I could do that. Oh yeah, all the time. Obviously, especially men. Bless them. Yeah. Shout out, fellas.

Yeah. Shout out to the fellas. Yeah. Root. They're like, yeah, it's dead easy. Like,

I remember once actually I had a party at my house and some of my friends came over bought a couple of his friends and he was like, chilling with his boys outside and one of his boys was like,

yeah, I'm dead easy and his friend just went, don't ever embarrass me like that again. It's not that easy. You can't do what she does. Yeah. Don't embarrass me, please. Like, but his boy was probably like,

yeah, it's easy, man, I can do it, I can do it. And his friend, my friend just looked at him and just went, don't you dear, ever again. Right. But yeah, it is funny. But the thing is like,

it's really funny actually because like, at an elite level is probably one of the hardest sports that you can do. But actually grassroots is very accessible. It looks hard, but if you have the right people around you and you start in the correct way and you start with the correct weights, then it is really easy and people would be really surprised actually what they can achieve. So I do think in that way you can. It's just when these people just think, or, because I've deadlifted 70 kilos, I'm going to try and clean it.

Like, it don't work like that. It don't translate over. It's so technical. It's like, it's not just the weight, which I think a lot of people going, I could do that. Definitely couldn't even do the weight. It's every single movement and you've got to. you've got to have it completely locked in, haven't you? Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.

It's so technique. Like, when I started, I was obviously really strong from the shot and I trained, you know, hard. And I was humbled, like, absolutely. And weights that I was probably strength-wise capable of, I was nowhere near in weightlifting because my technique wasn't there. And it is just about drilling and keep going over and over again. And this is why, you know, technically we like to get kids into weightlifting around eight years old

because they're really good at learning the technique. And it's not about putting the weight on. You can give them a wooden pole. or bar or PVC or whatever and it's just about them drilling the movement over and over again because then once you've got that locked in then getting strong as an easy bit

whereas when you have to do it in reverse you have to like really humble yourself because you're like I've got to go back down to basics and get this bit right until I can actually put some weight on so yeah that's why it's a lot easier just to say oh I could do that and then never try

absolutely yeah yeah absolutely yeah you don't have to follow through I wish I'd done that with stand up yeah I wish I'd been one of the I'll be well happy now where there's a bloke in the pub to say I could have done it Yeah. I'm funny.

I can have done that. I'm going to have done it. Listen to off menu with Ed Gamble and Ishkima. I just go, I'll be funnier than these pricks. It'd be great. I hate all the different glasses. Like, why can't we just have it all in a tumbler in just a normal glass? Like, that is, I love drinking out of a normal glass.

Okay. I have to laugh because there's a huge reason, actually. You know, for something like a champagne, you have. have to have the stem so that your hand isn't warming it up. I can't believe I have to tell you that. You're the one with the food podcast. He thinks olive oil is acid, if you remember. Well, if I'm drinking my tub of olive oil.

Well, I can't warm that up. Also, the shapes of wine glasses are important. I didn't know that. Because some of them have a wide base. A wide base to aerate, and you can get some movement in there. But also then a sort of narrow top sometimes to funnel the sort of aroma and stuff upwards towards the nose. And keep it within the glass as well.

No, it's ever done that. Can you believe they can make... This is similar to like anchovy stuff. Can you believe they can make glass so thin? It's mad, isn't it? It's crazy. We take all that shit for granted. You want to hear a good gazpacho story?

Yeah. It's not a great story. You don't take. No, this is a brain-headed to a tomato. I started doing this as a job. joke, and I don't, no one in my family thinks it's funny, but I do love gazpacho. Like, I really love gazpacho. When the sun's out,

I order gazpacho, and I always do this trick, but the gazpacho comes and take a sip, and I spit it out, and I say, this is cold! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the window's like, what? And I'm like, gotcha, and they're like, usually they think it's kind of funny. Yeah, that's a good thing. But then, but sometimes, you know, an actor, you've got to be careful with that, with your powers

there, because they could burst in the taste, because you've acted it so well. Yeah, usually I wouldn't, I wouldn't do it at a place that I didn't know the server or something. I wouldn't, like, you know, hurt someone's feelings who felt sensitive that day. Yeah, and what if they rush back to the kitchen? Yeah, no, I have to, you have to time it out perfectly. Before they knew it was a joke.

And the next thing you know, that's your rep. I know. Oh, my God. Yeah. I would never happen. I don't think I could be rude to someone like that, but that would be terrible. Who did that happen? Didn't?

Yeah, that happens to people. No, I don't want to get... I would never, I would never be mean to us. I think it's good to have, like, jokes that you do in every restaurant. You think? Yeah. Do you have a little routine? Well, I mean,

the classic is when like a big, massive plate of stuff arrives that's clearly for sharing, what's everyone else having. Yeah, funny. That's a good one. That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they, maybe when they pour water or whatever for you, and like you pretend it's vodka. That's funny. What's that one? What do you mean? Just a glass of vodka. That's a,

yeah, you have a water. I don't know this one. And not while they're pouring it, but like, you know, people are you not drinking and then like oh yeah yeah this is vodka and then you put it in the water and go this is a glass of vodka that's like something a six-year-old would do I still don't understand

I'm sorry sorry for your mature joke that you eat the whole plate of food you're looking for more you're looking for more in the joke than actually exists I think so you're pouring water and you're saying this is vodka yeah yeah that's it that's a funny joke when everyone else is drinking alcohol and they go oh you're not drinking and then you go yeah I am this is vodka It's a glass of vodka. Yeah.

That's a joke. People do that. People do that joke. Yeah. Can I haven't made it up. No, no, I believe you. I'm still just trying to understand it. I've never seen someone do that joke.

But imagine if you had, like, imagine a glass of water like this, I've got here. Yeah. If that was all vodka, that would be mad. Yeah, of course. That's funny. Yeah. So if you're, if you're suggesting as someone, if they're like, oh, you're not drinking. And then you're like, yeah, yeah.

And this is a glass of vodka right here. Then they're like, whoa. You went from not drinking to drink in a whole glass of vodka and having a problem with alcohol. That's funny. How would that go down if you were at dinner, do you think? First of all, it would take 30 minutes to explain. Yeah. I'm not trying to be rude.

I'm saying that that's not the best joke I've heard. I'm sorry. Not the best restaurant joke I've heard. That's a good restaurant. Next time you're a restaurant, you try it. Okay. Maybe it's because it's outside of the usual setting that it's not landing. Yeah.

But like in the... Yes, if everyone's ordering a drink and I already have... have a glass of water and then someone says you're not drinking and you say oh well this is vodka come on

okay that's good that's good stuff the way that you did it just then I think it's good I don't know no I could I'll try it

and then I'll send you guys some comments on the this is vodka I'm drinking imagine if you drink that much vodka like one guy

you poured that you'd have a problem I just liked it but I've like a clean my plate tragic problem back over I say oh I didn't like that

yeah that's classic yeah and I'd say I'd drunk all my vodka if I had an empty glass I go that was vodka but I just drank there to the white

and they go no it's not it's water I've been topping it out the whole time I'll be like yes and I'd say yeah yeah that's good I'm sorry I brought up the gazpacho joke there was way out of that

but going back to my original thing I mean like bloody Mary is just gazpacho with vodka yes but that's yeah that does sound that does sound nice to me but you don't like the savoury I don't like savory

I saw this album twice the other day and you will not like this if you don't like dirty martini anchovy vermouth to put in martini I would like it or like a Gibson with a pickled onion I love it

blue cheese stuffed olives no way dude oh my god oyster I've had an oyster martini before with a whole oyster in it yuck I hear it doesn't look at any of these things

you're not gonna land a one that's nice so at the end of the martini do you just have the oyster as well and the shells in it as well it's got the shell and landed a whole oyster in it yeah oh my god what if you drank that and said that was water

Like you do the flip around James, please So what if you just had a Like a seafood cocktail like that You'd say that was water I just drank Yeah Thanks a lovely glass of water

What what What reaction do you expect From anyone for that Lovely glass of water What do you want them to say to that Well they'd say that That was alcohol Yeah and then what

That's that Done Yeah well A few people would get a kick out of it No Here's another restaurant joke Are you any allergies Allergic to a good time

Oh, that's nice. I'm allergic to a pint of vodka. Yeah. That's what I would say. Right. Or if you're in a seafood restaurant and they say any allergies, you go, yeah, seafood. Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or a sushi restaurant. Do you have any allergies? Yes, anything raw. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Water's raw. No, shut up. It's done.

Shut up. The moment has passed. I still don't understand that joke, James. It's a great joke. You just have to be really comedy savvy to get it. But you have a glass of water and you pretend it's vodka. It's a good joke. Right.

Anyway, we hit 300 episodes in 2025 and James and I revisited our own dream menus with the help of guest genie, AJ A.J. A doo-doo. Just before Popper-Oms or Bread, I do have a quick chef's welcome. A chef's blooming welcome. I did a chef's welcome last time. He's got me. He's got you. A chef's welcome, but this is a genuine chef's welcome that exists in that position on the menu at the hand and flowers.

because everyone gets a little sausage roll. You sit down and they bring you this perfectly sized, like homemade, obviously, it's a restaurant, sausage roll. It's absolutely incredible. Okay. Nice. Nice pastry. Beautiful, like, crispy, golden.

It flakes, but also it's got that fatty taste to it as well. I love that. It's a little bit of grease. Not too heavy on the sausage roll though. Not too in terms of, yeah, I mean it's... Like, it's quite... Because a sausage roll, I love them. Yeah.

But they can be quite gertic. And to have that as a welcome. Yeah, it's not too girthy. We don't want it to ruin the appetite. You want a girthy welcome. It's not a girthy welcome. No, no, no. Just the perfect.

And he's your friend. Sorry, I've got to stop. Which is relative, which is relative to what you'd enjoy. But yeah, it's a beautiful thing. And it's exciting to sit down and not know you're going to get a sausage roll. And then you get a sausage roll. But do you get a sausage roll every time? Or did he change that on the menu?

I've only been once. Right. When you went, did you get a sausage roll? I actually don't think we did. I went once, and it was earlier this year. It was just a couple of months ago. Okay. Did you get a welcome?

It was my partner's birthday. So you weren't concentrating on what was happening. So when we sat down, I think we were giving... Oh, lives are going to sound so bad. Are we giving champagne? Oh, and all comes out. Because I texted the chef in advance and let them know that. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. This can't go out. We can't put this out, but I need so. You've changed. You've changed. You'll be able to track it how our lives have changed during this podcast. Your partner is not eating pork, right? Yes, she's not.

Did you tell them that in advance? Yes. So maybe that was it. That was it. That's why. That's why. So what did you have? They were very nice and gave us a couple of glasses of champagne.

Oh, Champagne. That was the chef's welcome. It wasn't edible. It was a drink. Yeah, yeah. It was a little drink, which they might do for everyone. It was their birthday, to be fair. If you tell them I had a time.

I don't know that. Oh, God. But if Ben's doing a chef's welcome, I'm going to do a chef's welcome. Yeah. And I went to a friend's party. Well, actually, Paul Fieg, who came on this podcast, invited me to a get-together he was having. And we arrived, and he's got his own chef. Oh, my God.

Yeah, so some of us are not doing as well as Paul Feeke. Yeah, yeah. So Paul Fing's doing better than us. Yeah. And I just want you to know, I was invited to that too, but I couldn't go. Yeah. Yes, he was invited. Yeah.

And Ben might have even been, no, he wasn't. And it wasn't inviting. Oh, Ben, just checking. And didn't make the curse. No, it wasn't. But when you arrived at that party,

you were instantly given a little chef's welcome from Paul Fee's personal chef. And it was called steak and chips. But it was, I would say, it was a cocktail stick. And on it was these tiny little, like fried potato,

like mini chips, very small. Almost like a potato bravas. Yeah, like a little like the chip, they look like chips, like crispy chips, like little matchsticks in their own.

right and then a bit of like a very thin bit of steak that was like a ribbon that was like in an almost M shape on the cocktail stick the way it was folded on there and it was like the perfect mini mouthful of steak and chips just a salty really juicy meat the crispy salty chips it was I was really into it I was actually quite disappointed it was just you get it once on the way in how could I keep on doing laps at this place yeah exactly because I was also it was on a boat wasn't it yeah I don't I don't want to mention that bit because, like, my life's already sounding too, too bougie.

Yes, it was on a bloody yacht, me, ain't you? There wasn't a yacht, it was a boat. But I felt, I feel, in the restaurant recommendations on the website, make sure you write down, you've got to go and get the steak and chips from Paul Figg's personal chef on a boat. Oh, no. Oh, no. I wasn't ever going to do this, and then head goes to the

chef's welcome. And then I just was like, what's the nicest mouthful I've ever had when I've arrived to somewhere, and it was on the private boat party. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. That's happening. So dreamy.

It was delicious, though. It was absolutely one of the best mouthfuls of food I've ever had, especially upon arrival. Sounds like it. I think for royalty that. Let me tell you. The problem is this podcast has really changed, James, and I'm fine because I've never been relatable.

So no one expects anything less from me. He's come up to your level. Yeah, finally. Welcome. Here I am. The weather's great up here. It was uncomfortable. Sorry, so we've done the chef's welcome.

I do like that I've got that chef's welcome on my menu because that was so good. I mean, it sounds amazing. But should we get you back onto dry land? Yes. We also introduced a new format this year, the tasting menus. Yes, we invited John Kearns, Bridget Christy and Gembrister,

back to the dream restaurant to be served the menu of another previous guest. Let's hear from them. And then the next thing that gets said to her, she would be like, never get fucked up the bum. My son's a bit like that, if you're playing cafe with him. Your son, what will he say when you're playing cafe? Absolutely awful segue, John. I think it through.

The contrarian. John. No, no, no, I'm thinking nothing to. The contrarian thing. Yeah. If you, like, kids. will be having fun with you, right? So say you're in his cafe and he's going,

you know, we've got six ice creams. Now, you're saying this. Obviously, I know about your son's cafe. You've told me about it. The listeners don't know. Yeah, I think we need to hear about your son's cafe. So when you're talking about your son's cafe. So you're basically on off-manu every day your life, really.

Yeah. How old's your son? Three. And he likes to play a cafe. Beer. That's his life. Yeah, yeah. That's his life.

This is a raison d'etre. That's one of the dishes. So he's running, is he running the cafe? He runs the cafe. Yeah. I did message James. There was one day he goes, right, uh, you know. So is your son as world weary as you already?

No, no. Right. He's like, right, cafe. So you sit there. He's like, okay. Never do it work. If you don't like it. A cafe.

Gives you a plate empty. Yeah. If you don't like it, that's fine. you just spit it into my mouth. That's his cafe. That's the rule of the cafe. The way you phrased it when you texted me is that he said to you,

if you don't like the food I serve, you can spit it back in my mouth, which I find, if you don't like the food I serve, a really funny phrase to be chucking in there. If you don't like the food I serve, you can spend it back in my mouth. Really aggressive cafe owner.

But still making himself the, of quite some servient. at the end. Yeah. We're getting the food spat back in his mouth. So it's like he's in charge, but at the same time... Have you ever mimed spitting the food into his mouth? No.

No. Because you always like the food. Well, I mean, the thing is, like, if you've got a restaurant, if a waiter has to do that, the waiter is going, you should really be spitting this in the chef's mouth. So is he not the chef as well? He's everything. Yeah.

He's the proprietor. He's everything. He runs the place. Yeah. So, yeah, in that respect. Does he tell you what he's serving you? Well, he's never got what you want. He says,

no, but it's usually ice cream and he goes, what do you want, strawberry, chocolate or yellow? Yeah, yeah. And you go, yeah, I'll have some chocolate, please. He goes, we've run out. So you go, oh, that's a shame. He's just offered it. Yeah.

So then you go, well, okay, I guess I have some strawberry. How we've run out, strawberry? we're closed that's that's that's that is how it happens do you think that's funny is he laughing at that no no no you can't laugh

but is he laughing no he's serious he's like what we're going to do we're closed so then you go oh I've got to come back he's like yeah so then you walk out

the room and just as you're about to walk out he says we're open fantastic he's got to think this is funny yeah you think he's You think he's messing with me?

I think he's got to know that that's funny. Do you get, like, mock annoyed about the weird I think of the cafe? Yeah, you've got to, you've got to go, like, I can't believe I've come all this way for a chocolate ice cream. And he's loving it. And he's like, what, you know, he's like, oh, you can't believe it.

And I'm like, I can't believe it. And then he's like, he looks at you. I'll come back off the work. Okay. they're just as soon as you turn you back, we're open. What's your job in this pretend play world? When you say, I'm going to come back after work, are you still a comedian in the pretend world?

No, you've got an office job. What is the job? Oh, I stand in the garden. Is that a job? Hang on, so when the cafe is closed, you know the answer to that. Yeah. You go and stand in the garden?

Yeah. But where's the cafe in terms of your house? Living, Ron. Yeah, it got to be. But you go outside and say, stand in the garden. If he hasn't opened it before I leave, yeah. Because you've got to keep walking.

Normally, it gets you before you open the door. You know that scene in, is it Goodfellas where De Niro is looking at the, I can't remember the wife's name now, but there's some new dresses and she thinks she's going to be short. Yeah, and he keeps telling her, yeah, just go down that alley, yeah, there's the dresses of that. That's like my son. He just goes, keep going, yeah, yeah.

Keep going, but you're like, you're going to say it's open before I got to the door. Yeah. I know I'm not going to be standing in that garden. I know. And then when I am in the garden, was he forgotten? How long am I going to stand there? Do you not pretend to be at work,

were you in the garden? Doing your office job or whatever it is that you're doing the pretend game. There's a, there's a berry bush. There's like some black color. I don't know what they are. Blackberries.

Yeah. So I pick them. Oh, so he has picked the Blackberries. Yeah. Yeah, and he watches me do that. He watches you do that from the, he's just standing in the living room at this point, owning the house.

And you're in the garden picking blackberries. Because he told you. that they've sold out of ice cream and they're closed now. Well, it sounds quite idyllic. Sounds quite a nice way to spend a day. It does actually. Well, actually, it's a tough way to spend it, did they?

I think it's... Ten hours of that. Because he's got wooden... This is the thing. This is the thing. Yeah. He does have wooden toys of ice cream. It's not like the imaginary.

You can see it. So he says it's sold out and you can see the chocolate. He says they can't disappear, sold out. Don't have any. and they're there and also kids love if he loves chocolate ice cream as the owner

he can't sell it to you because he likes it he wants it for himself so what's his least favourite yeah he gives you his least favourite so you go oh fantastic you've got chocolate strawberry yellow

and whatever the green one is right mint so you go there I'd love chocolate I'd love chocolate and he goes yeah you could have that one though it's like well I don't want the grew up.

How about the Shulbury? Yeah, but you have that one. You have this green thing. So this is like what we're doing. I mean, an owner of a shop who doesn't want to sell the things that they like in the shop. Oh, a book shop. Yeah, I like that book. That's for me.

Well, I want it. Well, no, I like that book. So, you know. When are you going to try and teach him that lesson that he's being a bad, bad cafe owner? When he has to, when he understands business rates, you know, paying tax, an electricity bill for the free, all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Well, so he knows his life. So the main course, he's chosen Christmas dinner roast, a roast Christmas dinner.

So this is the main and this is the sides as well. So this is also the dream side for Nick, just all in the main. So you're going to have lamb, gravy. No, I won't. Well, I mean, strapping, Bridgett, if you're already saying no. Why don't you have lamb and gravy? I've never, apart from in France, that tiny corner of a bit of horse, I've never eaten meat

But you're not vegan anymore I mean you've already eaten the tortilla lasagna That I'd beef all the way through it No it was corn obviously No no this is next menu No no that's made with beef Yeah but you didn't say what the ingredients was The tortilla lasagna yeah we did

We say it was layered up So it's the tortilla chips Then like chili you know beef stuff Can I No one said beef We should have been more clear But you've had it now No I haven't had it now

Did you do it? No I haven't had it had it. We didn't mean a trick you like the bikers but that is what we've done by the stake. We've accidentally tricked to you

so I don't think it's technically a trick. But I assumed it was corn mints, you know, with a Q-U-O-R-N. No, no, no. I mean, there's just no way

I will have had any of it. Unless you want to pay for my therapy for a year, we'll have to, I haven't had a drink yet and I haven't had a starter. And I'm not

having this main either. Well, yeah, There might be some bits that you want on here. Okay, go on then. No, no lamb, yeah. Gravy. Yorchy puddings? No.

No? I'll have a yorchre pudding. Rice? Sorry. It's Christmas dinner. Roast. Sorry, rice. With gravy.

This is what Nick has every year. Rice and gravy, yeah. Okay, carry on. Leftover Chinese food. Pigs in blankets. I just can't. Okay, so so far I've got... Lamb?

No. No. Gavis. Yorkshire pudding. Yorkshire, rice. Rice? No. No, we're on the rice?

On principle, I'm not eating. Leftover Chinese food. Pigs in blankets. No. Is this on one plate? Yeah. This is the main course. What's Christmas dinner?

This is an extreme main course. Stuff vine leaves? No. Carrots. Why not stuffed vine leaves? I thought you would have liked stuff fine leaves. I don't like stuff fine leaves. I don't like them.

They look disgusting Why? Do you want me to tell you what they look like to me? Uh-oh, yeah. Horrible short penises. Yeah, okay. Oh, that's ruined them for everyone now. Carrots?

Yeah, 100%. Pairs. Yes. Sweet corn. Yes. Green beans. Yes. Roast potatoes.

Yes. Hot pepper sauce. No. Raw onion. He has a raw onion in Christmas dinner. His mum is special. I think he said his mum has like a bit of big bit of raw onion when they're having a roast. She just nibbles on it.

Lovely. Onions are fantastic. And last but not least, sloppy stuffing. I mean. Would you like to take you through what sloppy stuffing means? No, I don't. Because I've got some ideas. Well, he does makes the packets.

stuffing with water, you know, like the Paxo stuff, and he puts too much water in it. Deliberately. Deliberately. And does it in the microwave. And then it's almost stuffing you can pour. Like a gravy? Like a sort of like a thick gravy or a sloppy stuffing. Sloppy stuffing.

Okay. I'll have, I'll have the sloppy. Really? I will. I never would have thought someone would have turned down the stuff finally and accepted the sloppy stuffing. Well, I have. Why? What's your, what do you like the sound of it?

Because all that's changed is the consistency of it. So stuffing has got lovely herbs and things like that. It's vegan, I think. Yeah, I think it can be. Yeah, it's only, he's only added water to it. So it's going to taste the same. Yeah. As long as it's nice and hot, pretty good.

So you've got basically carrots and parsnips and peas and peas and sweet corn and green beans and roast potatoes, a raw onion and the sloppy stuffing. That's what you would like to keep of that. And yorkshire, you have a yorkshire. I'll have that on the side, I think, or in the middle, you know, with all the veggies around it. Well, no, but I mean, it's all coming on the plate, though. Oh, yeah, well, bring all of it out. You'll just eat round the bits you don't like.

Is it going to be touching them? Yeah, I guess so. It's a roast dinner. Yeah. Well, that's a shame. It's an extreme. An extreme menu. I know, and I don't want to be rude about his dream menu.

But I suppose I've got to be honest. Yeah, oh, yeah, no, you absolutely have to be honest. I don't think that people should eat things that they don't want to. No, and you don't have to eat it, but it is all coming on the same plate. Yeah. Again, that's not what we're aiming for. the format but well you know

food is huge right food is huge it's all I think about all day so you can't make people you know there's all these stories about kids being made to eat fat and stuff isn't there I just think it can

mess you up for life really but we're not we're not trying to mess you up for life no and you don't have to eat no no no you don't have to eat this but it will be on the plate yeah we bring it out to you like they were to taste in menu just put it down in front

of you and you can eat the bits you like. You're, because you're with me. You're my guests, by the way. Oh, lovely. Yeah. Yeah. Well, then straight away, first thing you can do is all the bits that you don't want, a lamb, all of that, pop them on my plate.

Will you have them? Yeah, and then you can have my spare veg. That's a good idea. We'll do swapsies. Yeah. Really good idea. Great. And then hopefully it's less like an abusive relationship.

Yeah, that would be really great. Yeah. I'm not eating this. You're not having it either. I'm not order something else. I'm still really intrigued. So I've got, I've got sparkling water, I've got narned bread. I've got fucking chickeny nacho shit.

I've got chips, cheese, beans and sausage. Yeah, and sweet potato fries. Don't forget sweet potato fries. Oh, and I've got sweet potato fries on the side. Okay, so all of this. Are you kids eating those as well? Yeah, my kids can have all of those, yeah. So far, they've eaten the meal, my children.

They're full. Yeah, yeah. I need a drink. I need something. Yes. What do you want? I just a glass of wine or something. Am I having wine?

It's not wine, no. It's not Guinness, is it? It's not Guinness. Okay. No. It's not Guinness, no. A lager? It's not a lager, no.

Oh my God. Is it something like a Pena Calada? What is it? No. Job Domit's dream drink, and this is what you're getting. It's a protein shake. So, okay, oh my God. I didn't I say it?

I said it was going to be protein heavy, but I thought it would be protein heavy, with actual food stuff. Yeah, yeah. Not, food, yeah. Okay. Oh my God, this is absolutely. But what flavour is it?

I think he said strawberry, didn't he? He likes a strawberry one, yeah. Strawberry. That's like the worst flavor. Nobody likes strawberry milkshake. No, who's eating strawberry? Strawberry milk shake, strawberry jam. They're all the worst.

Strawberry's the worst flavor. He loves it. It's his favorite drink. His favorite drink. Strawberry protein shape. Yeah, it's his favorite. It's his thing. I'm never like, I'm, I mean,

I'm hungry. That'll fill you up, though, lovely protein. I mean, it will fill me up, but I'll feel sad afterwards. Yeah. Really sad. Maybe. Do you enjoy a protein shake now? No, of course not.

Why would I be drinking a protein shake? You said you wanted to drink a minute ago? I do. Something decent, like a nice glass of wine. That's what I'm gagging for a wine after this fucking horrendous meal. But protein shakes like gym wine. Oh, my God. And it's also like a pudding.

as well, isn't it? Very sweet. It's really super sweet. And thick, yeah? And thick? Depends how many scoops you put in. Of the protein powder? I mean, this is for Joel, right?

Yeah. So this is going to be one thick protein shake. Yeah, it'll be quite a thick protein shake, I'd imagine. Oh my God, protein shake with a potato fries and... Dip the sweet potato fries in the protein shake. That could be a little treat. Yeah. Yeah.

We were horrible to Joel. I now do have protein shakes. Yeah, but you wouldn't have it as an accompaniment to your meal. God, no. No. Or it's like a dream dream. It's not my dream drink. You would be doing it like, oh, I need to bulk up, so I'm going to have a protein shake.

Is that right? Sometimes I mix the powder in with yogurt. Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ, that really just sounds revolting. Yeah. I don't really like dairy-based drinks. Is it dairy-based? There'll be, yeah, powdered milk in there probably, I guess, to make it foamy when you shake it up.

Just whatever lesbian wants. Okay. Like, some foamy, dairy-based, claggy drink sticking to my gums. We'll give you a penis straw for it. That makes it any better. Actually, that makes it much better. Okay. It's going to take a long time to get that drink through the penis straw.

Yeah, I have to be sucking that. Sucking that penis straw hard. Because as someone who has penis straws, the aperture at the top is actually quite small. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. That's the sight to behold, isn't it? It's just me chowing down on a penis straw, trying to suck up the most disgusting drink known to humankind,

whilst avoiding my side of sweet potato fries. Okay, great. Well, I guess this is the worst meal I've ever had in my entire life. Yeah? I still can't believe Joel chose a protein shake. And don't forget, we're doing tasting menu episodes live in 2026 at the Royal Albert Hors. Hall. There were just a few tickets left. So head to off-menu podcast.com.com.

UK for tickets. Speaking of live shows, we had a residency at the London Palladium earlier this year with four incredible guests. Here's a taster of the shows with Rod Gilbert, Julian Clary, self-esteem and Catherine Parkinson. Are you much of a foodie, Rod, would you say? Am I much of a foodie? If you're doing this podcast about, surely you should have asked me that before you invited me on. Benito doesn't let us talk about food with the guests before they come on. I tell you what I've done as well.

I've got notes. We love it. Because I'm so forgetful. I'll tell you a bit about how forgetful I am in a minute. But am I a foodie? Not really, but I've come a long way. Rod, would you like me to remind you to tell us how forgetful you are? Yes, remind me to tell you how forgetful.

Because it relates to food. How forgetful I am. But, yeah, no, I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way. I grew up in the 70s and 80s in West Wales food in our house was I mean to be fair my dad wasn't interested

my mother was working full time bringing up three kids so food in our house was not exactly I mean I'll give you a few examples spaghetti bolognese in my house when I was growing up spaghetti bolognese was a tin of tomato

soup a tin of corn beef stir it up That's spaghetti bolognese. And I still have it to this day. You still eat it? I still eat it. Any spaghetti in there? I only found out it wasn't that when I got to college.

Oh yeah, spaghetti, on a bed of spaghetti. Corned beef, tomato sheep, on a bell. My mother once, and my dad was very simple taste and a very grateful man. So he would always express his gratitude. My mother walked in once and put a plate of boiled rice in front of my dad. And my dad couldn't, he was very short-sighted, he couldn't actually see it, but his standard response was, oh, wonderful, fit for a king, fantastic.

And then my mother went like this, she went, oh, I've forgotten the ham. She came out with a fork and a packet of, packeted ham, and lifted out two pieces, and draped it on top of the rice. But he already said fit for a king? At this point. Yeah, yeah, and he was happy with that.

So what did he think when the ham came out? Oh, it's just fucking mind-blown, then. Mind-blown. But he was very much. very simple take like if my mother was away or not able to go we had sardines on toast that's where we had every single time and we if anybody ever came to eat

in our house right so if ever we had I guess call them a guest yeah oh we do that in England as well yeah did you call them a guest as well such an interesting culture as well tell me if I'm going too fast so if we had a guest somebody non

related somebody not from the family a friend a neighbor would come around My mother would literally under the table, I'd go like this, she'd go, right, kick you, and she'd go like this, she'd go, FHB, FHB, and we all knew that meant family hold back. Wow. So there wasn't enough food to go around, so my mother would kick this and go, FHB, and you'd go, actually, I'm not that hungry, and just fucking leave it. So I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way. For a king and just pushing it across the table. just not this king

now Rod I believe that you're quite forgetful is that right no I'm not too bad I am quite forgetful and it relates to food because I mean and my wife's here tonight a lovely Sean is here

I know Sean was here she's here somewhere Sean do we not say hello anymore we've been backstage for ages trying to keep this guy entertain and we're the same I don't know if it's ADHD or just forgetfulness whatever right

but trying to make, I would say I've got a success rate on making a cup of tea is about 1 in 10. So I will frequently put a tea bag in a cup, wander off, and forget about it. Another 10% of the time I'll probably pour hot water on that tea bag, wander off and forget about it.

Another 10% of the time I'll pour the hot water on, remember I've done it, go to pour the milk in, then one drop and forget about it. Another 10% of the time, I'll remember it's there after a while and go, oh, this is cold now, I'll heat it in the microwave to heat it up. And then another 10% of the time, I'll go back to the microwave later on that evening, hours later, and find a fucking cup of tea in there.

Sometimes I'll put it on for another 30 seconds, and then I've wandered off again and forgotten it in there again. I'd say 10% of my cups of tea ended me successfully drinking a hot cup of tea. I love tea as well, it's a shame. That is a shame. That's a massive shame. I once, and Sean will testify in it,

I once put, it was Christmas Day about 2016, I don't know. I said to my wife on Christmas, day, should I pop some mince pies to warm in the oven? Oh, no. I'll just pop a couple of mince pies. Now, done it anyways, we've got an arga, right? You know, country living. Yeah.

An arga stays on. That's the thing with an arga, you'll know that, right? Just for... I popped two mince pies in Christmas day. Charlotte, can you hear me? Yeah. It would be fucking crazy if she could have not,

Rob. What I meant was, I guess that was a roundabout way of asking, can we hear you? A very roundabout way of asking, can we hear you? Can you hear me? Yes, right, I can hear you, all good. Because we didn't sound check this, she wasn't here earlier. Anyway, I said Sean, shall I pop a couple of mince pies in the oven? Christmas day around tea time?

She said, that would be lovely. When did we find them, Sean? May. May the following year, just to be clean. May 17, I opened the organ, there's two fucking discs. Two black discs. I'm going, what the hell are these? And then we worked backwards through April, March. They're the mince pies I popped in the oven on Christmas Day.

I have an aversion to meaty, Stu, because of a childhood trauma. When I grew up in Tettington with my two sisters, my father was a policeman and my mother was a probation officer. And they had a lot of heated discussions about politics and things. Anyway, they had one of their discussions and they weren't getting on well. And my mother made a stew and it was a really hot day. I remember, none of us really wanted to eat it and we sort of pushed it around our plates and left it. And she was furious and so she got up and she got everyone's plate and she said, scraped all the stew onto one plate and my father was sitting at the head of the table with this

open neck shirt on and as she passed him she scraped it all inside his shirt I thought good for her we were saying it was so shocked I mean she didn't plan to do it I've discussed it with her since she never had done it since but it was hate of the moment and she said it's very satisfying. And I was about six. My sister was eight and ten, and they burst into tears, and my mother and I laughed.

So I can't really look at a meat stew, but there is a sort of fish stew. James is vibrating. It's sort of southern Indian, I think. Quite coconut-y, and it's delicious. Where have you had this fish stew before? There's a restaurant called Namaste in Parkway in Camden Town. Have people heard of this restaurant?

Someone went, yeah. Have they had the fish stew? Have you had the fish stew? No. They've missed out. No. Anyway, that's my answer to that. I sort of want to ask more questions about when your mum scrape the stew down your dad's shirt.

Yes. I don't know if I should. Julian, have you ever met anyone and thought, present company excluded, that you would like to scrape a stew down their shirt? I am quite like my mother. I do do impulsive and unkind things sometimes. And I've got the same sense of humour as my mother.

It's quite sort of withering. and we do, we require a victim. Be it, you know, I used to work with a little dog who, not she wasn't a victim, but the butt of the jokes or a pianist or somebody. So, what was the question? How? I know, I've never actually... How do you choose your victim, if, say, you're being interviewed by two people?

What, what's the instinct that draws? draws you to one person or another victim-wise. I don't know. I mean, I'd probably go on the weaker bone structure. But, I mean, you mustn't take that personally, because... Yeah, don't take it back. How could I? When you interviewed me on the taskmaster,

thing. Yes, which you remember. Which I remember. But you were there with your lovely bone structure then. Thank you. And I was quite rude to you, wasn't I? Yes, very rude. So that's just how it happens. It's just one of the requisites. What lovely teeth you have. Thank you.

Let's go go have a little suck through this lot. I used to have much better. You saw me pre-pandemic. I looked good. I lost it all during the pandemic. He looked great now, James.

Weak, weak bones. No, just weak to the mine, I think, is the... I feel bad now. There's no reason why you couldn't get tattoos as well. Up my neck. Cut my husband with a Stanley knife. We arrive at your dream dessert. All right.

Kierkegaard. Just want everyone to know I do know some philosophers. She loves that Kierkegaard as well. Yeah, yeah. Who's that? Danish. It's Stoic. I love a Danish.

Is he a stoic? I can't remember that. A lot of good religious stuff anyway. Yeah, love that. Drink dessert. Now... It's very specific. It's very pacific.

Are you familiar with the works of Mr. Rudyard Kipling? Yes. Hang on. Oh, let's see. Okay. Please, carry on, Rebecca. He does this thing called a cherry bake one. Okay.

And they come in sixes. Yeah. And you'd think I would have four of them. but I have six of them in a bowl decant them from their little silver coats this is good this is good

put them in the microwave for whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa no one was expecting that I was going to say 80 seconds but what I meant was under a minute yeah both things can be true yeah

philosophy So like 40 seconds. You're very nimble. Yeah. Not nimble enough to get this goddamn fly. The guy grew up in the garden, he had to be nimble. Oh, yeah. Fair, fair, fair.

Especially during the winter. Where the robins were out. Very in all my food. Anyway, you put them in the microwave briefly custard. On the hob, though, in a pan, ideally these days. since, you know, six music played me loads, I get the vanilla pod, you know, finest. Custard with black bits in.

Custod with black bits in. Almost all of the pot of custard. And that's my favourite dessert. Great. And how did you... What's wrong with that? No, that is delicious. I was going to really back you on that, actually.

I think that is fantastic. Is it custard from a particular place? Just, yeah, I like Tesco or Sainsbury's finest. A good, like, four-pound 50 yeah nice proper custard and how did you just because this sounds good a dessert you invented no it's genuinely from childhood like my mom and dad would do we'd have sunday we would have sunday dinner and then it would be like a a dessert in a silver jacket you know and it was different types of dessert always buy mr rudyard kipling yes every time so always be a rudyard

Well, why would you deviate from perfection? Well, exactly. Tell me a Rudyard Kipling dessert you wouldn't eat. You can't? But, you can you put the full catalogue of Rudyard Kipling desserts on the screen, please? No, I can't. I can't tell you. Can you?

No, I don't. I mean, Rudyard Kipling means a lot to me. When me and my wife first met, we were, like, hanging out for a long time. We just used to sit in the house and rot and just eat loads of mini Battenbergs and just, this is mad, like watching her eat mini Battenberg. She just peel the icing and the marzipan off, eat that first, and then eat the cake, just straight in like a, like a beaver chewing a log. I can see why you're married her. Yeah.

But one day I'm going to marry that marzipan beaver. Aw. How long you've been married? Since 2021. But they've been together for like... Loads. 30 years. Oh, you're one of them, are you?

Yeah. Yeah, oh, that's... Big wife guy. Wife guy. Yeah. Love that. Anything to add? I think it's a nice relationship.

No, no. Can you remember when Kelly came up? You weren't here for that. Did you hear what we were talking to Kelly about? No. Can you guess? It was probably Corby related. No?

She listed all the comedians you've shun. And she knows. They're all. Keeper of my secrets. Yeah. What will you do with the silver little jackets afterwards, by the way? Are you rolling them up? So, genuinely, I would make, because from childhood,

it was a big Barbie head. My current male lover is really good looking and tall. Great. It has like nine abs. Fantastic. And I call him... That's weird, though, isn't it, nine's a bit weird. I'd want there to be an even number.

You know what? Ten. Ten. He's got ten. The tenth ones on the way. He eats like so much food and nothing happens to him. Yeah. Six sausages a day.

Wow. Honestly. No, nothing green passes his lips. Really? Are you sure that the abs aren't just sausages, though? They might be tumours. I call him my Barbie because I like dressing him up in clothes. That's nice.

Anyway, what were we talking? about. I don't think it matters. I think that's all the information we need. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happens to the little jackets, I think? That was it. So Barbies, I loved Barbies. And I used to make little, you know those hats, millennial women in the house, Rose up. Um, you'd make those those hats that came up at the front with like a, with a, like a rose on blossom hat. So I'd make little blossom hats for all my Barbies with them. With the, with the little silver jackets. easy to do and I still do it to this day but...

Lovely. Yeah, his head's too big for it. It'd be funny if he had a tiny head after the rest of the description of him. All the emasculation has shrunk. Really tall, eight abs and a tiny head. My guy.

Great thing is, his tongue will always keep growing. Yeah. I've had a right laugh at you. I really have. Do you subscribe to the phrase champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends? Oh, that's what the Romans did, wasn't it? It was the posh wine for the richer guests and the sort of dregs for the insignificant ones.

I think that's what it means, that phrase. Do I think it's real pain for my sham friends? Get what I mean? Real pain for my sham friends. What does that mean? I mean, it's like I hope people. who just pretend to be my friends that I hope they get real pain I hope something bad before oh that's awful this is what people that's a bit much isn't it it's a phrase it's not

I think that's really unnecessarily unkind they say champagne for my real friends real pain for my sham friends what were you and why did you mention the Romans why did I mention the Romans I think you thought the phrase was that you give the good champagne to your good friends and the bad champagne to people you're not bothered about. Yeah, I mean, I'm quite into the Romans. They used to use pheasant feathers to make themselves sick after a meal so they could go again.

But also they always used to lie down to eat the rich Romans. And I find that bad thing because, I mean, I don't suffer generally from indigestion, but I feel like if I was prone, you know, supine eating pheasants and, you know, God knows, all these sort of rich foods that they ate, I'd definitely throw it up a bit. Well, it's difficult, isn't it? I do imagine if you have a mouthful and you're lying down,

like chewing it and swallowing it down would be quite an effort, wouldn't it? It's quite difficult, yeah. How long have you been into the Romans for? My degree was in classics, and I really, I get, like, actually, sexually aroused talking about Pompeii um you know not sexually aroused I get to catch me up again yeah what happening in Pompeii yes I got I get excited by

you know they found somebody who they their brain had turned to glass in the in the I mean it's it's time so down Kevin I've got an erection so I know you've changed your mind since then but initially you did say you sexually aroused by the tragedy of Pompeii. No. Yeah, no, that makes me sound really like a psychopath. I get excited. Like, you know, I'm into a bit of mudlarking.

I do get excited about those things, which I suppose you could dismiss as geekery, but actually it's really profound. And if you're not into it, you're a bit of a bit of a cunt. Did you want to ask what mud larking was, James? Yes, mud larking. I don't know what that is. It's larking in the mud. I mean, basically, it's...

I mean, I think you do technically need a licence, but you just sort of go to the riverbanks or whatever and find things like you will always find something, maybe a bone dice or a bone pipe or a bit of a glass bottle or some dentures. And there you are. It's like you're time travelling. But it is very interesting.

Is this something you do? No. Yeah, no, I have done it. And if you go on a guided tour, you do have to put everything back, which is a shame because... But, you know, I found a groat. I found a groat.

Well, my husband found a groat, but, you know, I say I found it. And it was... Poor man can't have anything. Yeah. But then you have to put it back. So you have to... If you do a guide at all...

Rummage around in the muddy banks of a river, find something that is adjacent to just trash. And then you can't even keep it. You're told you have to put it back in the mud. And you can't wear an apron, like I did at T.J. Fridays to get the cookie stuff in there. You know, you look too suspicious if you were down on the riverbanks with an apron

with a massive flap, you know, sort of, you'd be rumbled. So, but no, it's just an interesting thing to do. That's got nothing to do with the Romans particularly, but I just, yeah, no, I just like, I just like history. Yeah. Do you like history? I do. Yeah, I understand that it excites you, especially seeing things, being like this was ages ago. That's basically what it is, isn't it?

God, this was bloody ages ago. Oh, you really understand history yet. Yeah. But it is that. He still surprises me with his intellect and his knowledge on this podcast. Because a lot of history, some history was more ages ago than other history, wasn't it? But that exact phrase is what I think sometimes, looking at like an artefact or a painter, I go, this was bloody ages ago.

That is kind of what you're saying to yourself. And they were the same. Yeah. This was bloody ages ago. It's a man, I think I'm a bloke walking around in this museum, and one day those people were just bloke's walking around, but ages ago. And one day you might be at bloody ages ago to someone else. Yeah.

God. Isn't that scary? Yeah, I don't like that. No, people might be going, that was bloody ages ago, IT crowd. Yeah, that was bloody ages ago. Yeah. What do you hope, you know, in years to come

when historians look back and they, what of your work would you hope they would discover in the mud? Yeah. I think I'd have to say my, you know, know, I told you earlier, I had a lot of fillings as a child. I was telling you about my fillings in the dressing room. Yes.

From the high sugar diet that was normalized in the 80s culture. And, you know, I had some of those fillings taken out to be replaced with white ones. And the dentist said, God, some of these fillings are older than you. And I giggled girlishly flattered, you know, ha ha ha. Because obviously they weren't older than me. I like the idea of some of my mercury fillings, maybe surviving. Okay, I was asking about your professional work that you've got. Not what part of your body do you hope people find in the mud in years to come?

That would be the most sinister question I've ever asked a guest. When you have died, what parts of you do you hope survive and are unearthed by future? He even said, which bits of your work do you hope people find later on and, you know, that it's ages ago historically? Just my fillings. My fillings is enough for me. Of course, at the Dream Restaurant, we can rustle up any food our guests want. And not all of our guests choose to use the genie's powers to order something conventional.

These guests made some weird choices. Here's Ian Smith, Mwanvis 1, Nina Conti, and Christmas, Ausland. Dream starter, Ian. So this starter, I've tried to basically take everything. It's hard to get in a menu. So just put everything that I wanted that isn't sort of featuring in other parts of the menu. And I've sort of combined it. But I think the flavours work.

Okay. Interesting. I want a risotto. Yes. Salmon and haggis. Oh, God. So you're putting all your favourite foods into, like, one dish here. That I feel like I'm featuring later on.

Yeah. Salmon haggis and, say it with me. Saffron. Saffron, okay. Salmon saffron risotto. Sounds like that could work. Yeah. I think the haggis is the rogue.

Really? Yeah. We're down to Scottish or potentials again, aren't we? Yeah. It's either the haggis or the... salmon and saffle. But let me ask you this, do you like pepper?

Yeah. Haggis bites very neat. It's just a very peppery dish. Yeah, yeah. I reckon a little crumbling of haggis. Yeah. It's the same as having a pepper grind. Right.

I see. If the restaurant was like, we've run out of pepper. Yeah. But we can let's heat up some of that haggis and we'll crumble it over stuff. No one would notice. So you want haggis instead of pepper?

Well, I don't want it instead of, but I'm not using pepper if the haggis is in there. Right, okay. I've got enough. We've got a half. We've got haggis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

So you're crumbling, you're crumbling haggis over instead of pepper. Yeah, I don't mind whether the haggis is in there or whether I have it and crumble it in. But I will say, with the hot calls, if I'm crumbling in the haggis, I'm starting to feel like I'm doing a lot of legwork. Doing a lot. Yeah. We'll just mix the haggis through for you then. Yeah, that would be lovely. Yeah.

So haggis and salmon saffron risotto. Yeah, saffron, I don't really know. Yeah, if you think about it. Well, my question, even a salmon risotto, I would struggle to order that. Really? I would think, is that going to be,

I love salmon, I love risottoes, but I don't know if that would, maybe it would be great. Is it a bit, are you thinking, is it a big bit of salmon on the top or is the salmon flaked a mixture as well?

Flake it up. Yeah. I'm having to do everything here. Flake up, got to flake it up. I want it to be smoked like a sort of, you know, a smoky flavor too.

Yeah. Saffron, in all honesty, I don't know what it tastes like. Right. But I've had saffron-infused mashed potato twice in my life. And I can't put my... I can't put a handle on it, but it was delicious. Yes. And a vivid colour.

Yeah, it's a very vivid colour. And there is a definite taste of saffron. Yeah. But you can't work out what it is, but you know you like it. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I guess so. And maybe I have some...

explaining what saffron is to me. Yeah, they could throw out that fact about saffron being worth more than gold when it comes to weight. Oh, I'd love that. Yeah, yeah. I'd love some saffron and some other, what is it?

Herb, is it? Yeah. Other herbs, spice, yeah. And I want to, or a spice. Herbs and spices, and I've got to match them up to what the herbs and spices are as well. Oh, you want to, so you want a quiz as well.

A quiz. Yeah. Okay. Well, Lloyd's going to be there, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I just want Lloyd to do the quiz, really. So I can enjoy the meal bar here in the background.

I'm trying to think of another herb in my head is funny to shout. Yeah, yeah. Fennell seeds. I think all day long, I think you should just let Lloyd do the quiz. I would say there's enough going on in this dish already. You shouldn't be then biting into loads of other raw herbs and spices and trying to work out what they are. Yeah, no, I will, and I'll accept that as a criticism. Yeah.

Because I was going to suggest maybe you have like, you know, your start, it could be like a board that's got like a little. salmon fillet on, a little bit of haggis next to it, some saffron mash, but do you like risotto so much that it has to be all in a risotto? Is it a risotto a big deal for you? Let's not talk him out of this. You're still going to have this. But I also

think, imagine if every chef did that, just put four ingredients on a tray and just went, you have them individually. Yeah. It's all about discovering flavor combinations. And you're not going to make a discovery if you don't try.

Well, I would say, imagine if every chef did this. You took four things that aren't on the menu and just chucked them together because they would like to see them make an appearance and chuck them out. I think you'd get... Occasionally get something fantastic. You've always got to apply the rule,

imagine if every chef did this to... But sometimes the dream meal is not something a chef would do. Sometimes the dream meal is something you'd do at home if you just had things in the fridge and put them all in a bowl together, right? Listen, I've listened to this podcast. People say daft shit. People are off their fucking heads on this podcast.

Have you... So you're a big fan of weird flavour combinations. No, I just... Do you do them at home? Have you ever discovered a flavour combination you like at home? Hmm. I don't think I have, no. I'm trying to think if I've invented my own flavor combination.

Yeah, that's what I asked. I couldn't have done. Look at your diary, does it say... Well, I would have put that under blue. Blue have had a new flavour combination. No, I mean, I like it when... I genuinely looked in your diary for ages then. Listen, I'm a physical comedian.

I'll do an act out, and I'll do it on a pod. Yeah. I'll do it on a pod. No, we've got cameras going. That can be the viral clip. Yeah. Yeah. Get a sound effect of pages turning in.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, put that in post. Oh, that's not pages too. Oh, no, that's not boom. That's someone absolutely speeding through a risotto. I found out what Arincini was when I ordered, Aroncini as a star. And then a risotto is my main.

And everyone was like, what? Like, I don't know what the problem is here. But yeah, it was a ricey, a ricey meal. Yeah, they're like risotto balls that are deep fried, right? And then you had the insides of Arancini's, Arancini guts. Yeah. And there was a rice pudding option for dessert.

And I almost wanted to take it to be like, that's what I like, and I'm leaning into it. Yeah, do the treble. What are you going to call this dish? Oh, that's it is. Yeah, that's good. At the minute. Well, I mean, salmon's Scottish.

Yeah. Haggis is Scottish. Where does Saffron come from? I think probably North Africa. Wow. If he's got that right, I'm very impressed. Mediterranean and parts of Asia. Wrong continent.

Yeah. So I guess something that combines Scotland, Mediterranean and parts of Asia. And it's the title. So where you can do that? There must be. And don't edit out. Any of the time, it's actually

to think of this. Yeah, yeah. Muck. Yeah, so straight in with muck. Straight in with muck. You're on safe ground. Yeah. Now he's got to go Mediterranean and parts of Asia.

Now I feel more scared. Yeah. Muck. You could just say salmon here. Muck. Yeah, but I mean, Muck Mediterranean. Just say,

Muck Olive. Mc Olive surprise. Mc Olive's surprise. Yeah. Yeah, there's no olives. No olives, is it? Is it what surprise?

The food is the Asian chef with the Mediterranean. McOlive surprise. The surprise is there's no olives, saffron. McCollive surprise, saffron. Yeah. Saffron is the surprise. Yeah. So McAuliffe surprise.

Yeah. Well, also the surprise is there's no olives. Yeah. Well, I mean, I didn't, I thought I'd be able to say my menu. Yeah. I didn't think I'd have to name it. Yes. And that's what I'm struggling with.

But you've got to name it. If you've made up the dish from scratch, I think. Really? That's the rule, yeah. Yeah. Also, you're saying that, you know, you knew that you had to say what your menu was. You didn't think you'd have to name it. That's what you're struggling with.

I'd say you've struggled with your menu as well. I mean, this starter is bananas. You took blood. You took blood because we had too many details. I don't know if that's my, that's not on me. This starter is loopy. Good breadcour so far, though. Yeah, yeah.

We're forgetting about that. You know what I would absolutely eat that starter. I don't know if I would enjoy. it. I would try it. But I would give it a go. If I was at your house for a dinner party. Yeah.

Yeah, and I made it. And you made it, I would obviously, out of politeness, would eat it. And who knows, I might even love it. Yeah. That's got classic Come Dime with Me episode written all over it. Really? Yeah. I'm all right.

We're all slacking you off in the car in the way. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't make that for other people. I think I'd only make it for myself. Yeah. Because I'd expect a criticism. I think the Come Dime with Me producers would be like, if they heard about that, they'd be like, you should make that for everyone when they come around.

Yeah. And it would be one of the episodes where the other people look around your house. And they find your paper diary and they're all laughing. The only thing I've got in my fridge is one shelf is salmon. One shelf is haggis. One shelf is saffron. I don't even know if you're supposed to refrigerate. Also, I would say that you have to make it for other people.

Otherwise, we're going to have to get you to change the name again because you can't surprise yourself. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It can't be called McColliffe Surprise and you only make it for yourself. What about, no, Macauliffe Surprise. you get a huge spice rack it's spices, herbs, everything in it

and it's one of those ones that spins and you sort of spin the spice rack, close your eyes you get it you got to tip that up seeing it in, pretend to spin a spice rack with his eyes closed it is absolutely

I'm looking up so no people don't think I'm cheating yeah closing eyes and in that which I've seen someone do when I went to put my pin in. They closed the ones and looked away. Yeah.

But yeah, then you take whatever spice. Again, you've got to close your eyes throughout this. Yeah. No, I actually just block out the spices. Black out the spices.

Put masking, put parcel tape over the spices. Or put them in unmarked jars or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Get someone else to do that. Yeah, yeah. You're very worried,

you're very worried throughout this whole chat so far that we're trying to make you do more stuff than you think you should be doing. Is that a problem you have when you go to a restaurant Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Well, I found myself many time in the kitchen, doing a full, doing a full shift. Yeah. So, hang on, you're getting a spice at random. Yeah, and then for safety as well. So you've got the salmon haggis in there, but then your last flurry is opening it up.

Shake it in. Put that in. Yeah. Mix it around, and then when you eat it, you know it's a macollive. Yes. But the surprise is, what is it?

Cinnamon! Ugh! Yeah. Disgast it. So that's your starter. Yes. Fantastic. The greatest pleasure, food-wise.

That's already made me laugh. The greatest pleasure. Oh. Moran's chair just went all the way down for the listener. I just said the greatest play. We haven't had this before. But the chair. You set me up?

Belito did not set you up. I think you accidentally knocked a little lever. And it's made you go all the way down so that the mic is now. I'm just going to stay like this. I think these chairs might be related to Noon. It's a similar kind of device. God, I mean, look, this has already been a great episode, but I know what the clip's going to be.

Yeah, the clips are going to be when your chair fucked up. Just disappearing out of frame. Do you do this? It's like power play, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got you. I swear I didn't do anything. You looked at me as if I was doing it somehow.

I don't trust you. I thought we've all, we've rigged that up. Yeah. What was the greatest pleasure I was talking about? Your side dish. My son's, she's a greatest pleasure. Some reason I'm like, just lost hope in life. You're like, you're like, big and the greatest pleasure that you're just deflaced.

Go home now. Okay, no, the, you know, the cheat, if you do any kind of cheese bake, the crusty bit on the side, that's a bit burnt, the pan's scraping. Yeah. I want a whole play of that. That's a good. Oh, this is good. It's the best bit. Fuck, it happened again.

Did you touch it? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Did you touch anything on the chair? I think you might have to stand fully off the chair to sort it out. Right. I think when it comes to the question, what is greatest pleasure? Then cheese scrapings from around the dish is, I think everyone would agree, is an acceptable answer for greatest pleasure. Certainly.

And I love the idea of a side dish, which is just a whole plate of cheese scraping. A whole plate of that. Yeah. And I want it done like a fancy meal, right? So I want a massive plate, but I want it to be like a little center. to tiny bit a little basil on top or something a little squiggly sauce line

yeah do you know what I mean yeah yeah I don't want it to look like dregs but it's like dregs made to look like yeah yeah some fancy is there a particular dish that you want the cheese scrapings from yeah

a pasta a lasagna like a really English lasagna yeah a win I was going to say London yeah and we are so let's know the myth doesn't really work

said, a we in London. Are we in London? Yes, we are in London, James. This is exactly where we're, huh? I would walk off this podcast forever if you just said, are we in London? Are we in London? Yeah, see you later. The worst riff I've ever done.

Yeah, man, come in, man. Are we in London or something? Get that on a T-shirt. Yeah, so that, like, scrappy, scrappy. That's great. I love scrapy, scraping. On the plate when you've got the fancy thing, are you having them like, you know how people put the triple cooked chips?

And they're doing them in a like a jenga towery kind of way. Is that how you're getting the scrapings up? Scraping. Scraper. Are you lining them up in twos and look a little tower? I imagined him like a pyramid. Like a Frere Roshet. Yeah.

Yeah. Like a little tower pyramid. A pyramid of Scrapey's grapey. Yeah. With a little garnish on top. Nice. And maybe even he has a fancy name. Like Dregondere.

Dregondere. Dregondar. Dregondar. Dregondar. Yeah. Is that the dregs? Yeah. I don't know what on der means.

On the plate. On the plate. Dreg on the plate. Drag on the plate. Yeah. This is my dream side dish. Yeah, I like the drag on dirt. Is there a particular, like, cheese that you want the scrapings to be made of, or is it like a mix of cheeses?

Yeah. Do you know what cheese recently I've been really getting into is the one that begins with E-DAM? E-DAM, because it melts well, isn't it? Yeah. I don't think I've never melted E-DAM, you know. Is it A-Dam? I think it is. It's one of the Swiss ones.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Emmental. Emmental. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That shit is good. Yeah. You can have scrappy, Scropy, Emmental. Yeah, that was part of a lasagna.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, lasagna. Who do you want to eat the lasagna? Because obviously, you're not getting that. You're getting just the scrapy from it. Yeah. But who do you want to eat? You're going to send that to someone to eat it.

Because we've got to get rid of it. We're not going to throw that away. We don't like wasting the dream. Or do you want Nunu to suck it up. Oh, fucking. No, no. Not go to waste. You know what you did.

What? Do you want Nunu to suck it up? Anyway, so we're not having Nunu suck the lasagna up. No, I don't want food going to waste. Do you know what I mean? Who do you want to? You're going to send it over. We've got a table at the other end of the restaurant.

Someone's there. Who's there? Do you know what I just send it to my mum to be like, this is what Italian food tastes like. Do you know what I mean? She's not buying that. She's absolutely saying, this is my favourite new English fish.

She'd be like, where's the sweet corner of the baked beans? They fuck this one up big time. Yeah, your wonderful PR Fraser arrived earlier And he was saying that he had a cuttlefish lasagna the other day And I want to eat it so don't say I want to eat it so much I think it sounds great Would like ink is the sauce I don't know if ink was the sauce actually

I should have asked Fraser could hear it He's in the opposite room Fraser apologies so I didn't ask you what the sauce was But maybe it's ink as the sauce But I don't know man, cuttlefish It's nice It's like really white and meaty right Yeah I've only had it recently

This thing's delicious Yeah, but lasagna, though, lasagna's all a layer in cuttlefish. Like bits of cutfish in a layer. What, is the layer thing? That's what's putting you off. Yeah, man. If you're going to layer something, it needs to be spreadable. Do you know what I mean?

This is like, cuttlefish is like a little bit to me. I don't know. This feels wrong. I know what you mean. Unless you're like putting in a blender and turning it into like something like mince. Uh-huh. I don't know if it is minced. I should have asked Fraser.

Fraser, I feel like I didn't hold up my end of the conversation. You've really dropped Fraser in it here. Face, I've dropped you in it, so bad. I'm sorry, man. Have you ever had Parmesan crisps? No. You know, when, so grated parmesan, put them in the oven, and they melt, and then you get them out, and they solidify quite quickly.

So it's basically posh cheese scrapings. Perfect. And you can buy them from, like, I mean, I've seen them in whole foods, where you can buy tubs of just parmesan crisps. Amazing. This sounds great. I'm obsessed with making the byproduct, the main meal. Yeah, I think that's really good.

Yeah. Custard, right? Yeah. The skin is that. best bit. Now, I know this divides people. I don't eat just the skin. If someone said to me, our dessert is custard skin, I would be intrigued.

I wouldn't say no to that. Right? I did a, I never, I feel like there's never enough cheese crispy topping. There's never enough custard skin. Yeah. So I did a thing where I was like basically got custard and laid, put it out in a tray. So it was like a centimeter thin. Great.

And it was all skin, right? But it didn't work. Oh. Because it cooled too quickly and the skin didn't form. So then I tried it again, and I fanned it, didn't work. So then I was like, I think it needs to, like, stay hotter for longer. I can say this right now, I can't believe you tried it a third time. I think, no, you're like a Heston Blumen time.

Yeah, yeah. But came up, I want to hear the rest of it, but this is astonishing. Because if I didn't do it a third time, then what? That I'd question my life to see even more. Do you know what I mean? Like, I've like, if I've taken a day out to do this, let's do all, you know what I mean? Do all the variables? Get the Bunton burner out.

So what I did, I put it on, like, I rested it on stuff, and then I put tea lights underneath, and it worked. Wow. This is why you're a success. This is why I'm a success. This is why I want a bathtub. Why don't you shout out of custard skin in your speech? You should have.

I should have. My dream starter is a pistachio nut tree. What? It's a tree. Yeah. And you eat the pistachos off the tree because they're very different on the tree. And they're beautiful. They're pink, these lovely little pink buds.

And the tree is a very beautiful tree. And it smells amazing. I only met one for the first time last year. And I was in love with this tree thinking, that's probably the loveliest tree I've ever seen. And I didn't know what it was, but on that leaf app thing when it tells you what it is,

and our phones do it anyway, it told me, you take a picture and then it's like Shazams the tree. And pistachio came. up. And that was so exciting. I was oh my God, those little pink buds are pistachias. And then you can open them and they're pink and they're

sort of fruity and they taste amazing. Wow. That was in Greece. I don't know any of what you've just said existed until you just said it. I didn't know if you're shazzoa tree sort of thing. I didn't know you can shazam a tree. Like this is incredible. Wow. Yeah, it's really, really lovely.

I know we always think of them as those open guys in bowls and they're salty and they're colourless. These were really pink. Are they still in shells? Are there still shells? It was a shell. You had to kind of, you bite through that with your teeth. Obviously, they're not as open.

Is that when you take them off and you dry them maybe? I'm trying to remember. I think some of them were maybe a tiny bit open, but definitely I remember biting the open. It's a bit messy. Your dentist would take you off for that. Right. Molas, yeah, it works.

Did your dentist listen to this podcast? I haven't been in a while. Oh, mine does. obviously. What you've got to know about James is when he's not recording this podcast he lives in an animated world in a small village

like in a sort of fireman Sam world. Oh, lovely, yes. Where he knows his dentist, he knows his dentist's full name. You know the dentist's full name? Yeah, yeah. And how long you've been going to this dentist?

Quite a while since 2018, I'd say. You know. Yeah, yeah, because that is when I moved to that flat and then I just carried on going to even when I moved out, carried on seeing the same dentist And seven years that you've been seeing this dentist. Have you seen him more than once a year?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go quite a bit to the dentist and the dental hygienist and I'll see them in the corridor. My dentist, I go, oh, just seeing the hygienist? He'll say, listen to that episode the other day. And then as soon as he says that, I'm like, what food did I say I eat in that episode?

Oh, no. Did I speak loads about sweets again? Is he going to, I mean, probably in the bad books? James is very obsessive about things like that. So James goes to the dentist every day to have his tea. brushed. Yeah. Me again.

Because you're a ventrilochus when you're at the dentist and they're in your mouth. I can. I can. Yeah. I can. Still talk. Wow.

Yeah. That's great. Do you do that? I know you haven't been in a while. Do you say, do them saying what great teeth you have? Yeah. Oh, no, no. Your teeth are so.

Oh, you don't need to come back for five years. Yeah. Yeah. It's the very back of your mouth. You're using the back of your tongue and the soft palate to form substitute lips at the back. And that's where you do plosives. We're at plosive. It's all over the wall behind you.

That's how you form plosives and humming the back of the tongue into the soft palate. And so that's got really not anything to do with the front of your mouth. So that can be open and things can be in. And you can still say Peter Piper and all that if you want to. Not a huge fan of the phrase substitute lips. No? No. I don't know, just when something

just scratches the wrong itch. Yes. It doesn't sound nice. Yeah, yeah, sounds pretty horrible. As well as whatever you said, humping your tongue against the back of your pallets. Humping's nasty. Substitute lips is nasty.

I've loved the tone. But I would, if I was you, I'd be talking all the time during the dentist. I'd absolutely love it. Especially last time I was there, like, when I went in, it's the hygienist, and the assistant just said hello to me.

No small talk beforehand. As soon as they're in my mouth, they start saying to each other, so who do you think is going to win traitors? And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I can't get it. I was having to like put my,

like one of them said, to be fair to her, she said the person who did end up winning, but I disagreed at the time. I'll put my hand in the air and I wagged my finger. Well, they were in my mouth. And they were like, you don't agree?

I was like, but you left the dentist, they afford your loyalty card. Yeah, yeah. I'd take that one. I'm there every morning. A pistachio tree sounds amazing. We haven't had this.

Do you want it growing out of the middle of the table in the dream restaurant? We say it's time for your starter and the tree grows in front of you. Yes, if it can be sped long a bit. Oh yeah, no, no, I don't mean growing in real time. Okay. Yeah.

Otherwise, it's quite a long start. It's actually the most of the meal if you're waiting for it to grow in real time. Yeah, it's a very long time. I'd take most of the meal, yeah. Yeah. we don't know what the rest of it is, yeah.

Could be stuff that takes even longer. Yes, they can roll it out, roll it out with this big clump of earth. How big is it? I think it's on a par with, I've tried to take another tree. Rhone tree, maybe.

It's about the size of a football goal. A football goal? Thanks for speaking our language. You took one look at us and you went, I'm going to have to make this about football for these lads. Hang on a minute. I think the four of us could make about the size of a pistachio tree. On our shoulders?

You're the trunk on your shoulders and we reach our hands out. We've got about the size. And we should do that one day. We'll do that one day. And we're like acrobatts on their shoulders. All come out of different angles. Yeah, and with our fingers splayed and everything, extremities out. And that each is a bunch of pink fustachio nuts.

I mean, this is really sad. But when I was in uni, I used to love pot noodle sandwich. It's sad. A piece of white bread with a beef and tomato pot noodle. Spoon it onto the white bread. Don't even butter it. Just fold it over. Just a pot noodle fold over.

And that was a hearty meal for a starving student. And I'd never dream of making one now. you know, the distinguished age that I am. But this is a fantasy dream restaurant, isn't it? Yeah. Where what goes on in the fantasy dream restaurant stays in the fantasy dream restaurant. Yeah. So, yeah, I think I'd like one single white bread pot noodle foldover.

I also remember, do you know what? Like, I was so kind of unworldly with my foods. Like the first time I ever had pizza was when I was a student at uni. I'd never eaten pizza. It just wasn't a thing that would, like, I mean, it was a thing, but there was, like, there just wasn't, we didn't go out for, we didn't go to pizza restaurants when I was younger. Going to a restaurant just wasn't a thing that we did really, do you know what I mean? And I, and I also didn't like cheese when I was younger.

And I didn't know that melted cheese tasted so much differently to blocks of cheese. Yeah. And, and I made of mine, and you said, you want a piece of this, Peter. It was a 99 piece Sainsbury's kind of thin smear of cheese on a burnt bread base. and with like eight pieces of pepperoni on it. And I said, no. And he went to your short, it's good, you know. And I had a piece.

And it was the greatest culinary revelation of my life. Is that single piece, and I'm glad I started with a 99-pense pizza because I've had gone straight in dominoes. I probably wouldn't be here to tell the tale. It would have been too much for me. So that moment was one of the greatest kind of shifts in my eating. was the realization that melted cheese and pizza was incredible.

And I still had the world of pizza to enjoy from that moment. I started at the bottom. It's the best place to start. Now we're here. But you know what? If I could recreate that moment of that first piece of pizza back then, just give me that as a little side. Oh, yeah, nice.

So we're dispensing with the pot noodles. I think I want to give Chris both because I like both. The pot noodle fold over. I think it was like doing like Chris's uni years. Yeah, yeah. As a side dish. Yeah, university years. University platter.

As the side dish. Because I don't think we'll ever have a pot noodle fold over again on the podcast. No, I think we've got to grab this with both hands. Very much sounds like an invention that Chris has come up with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Add it to towel socks or whatever. Yeah. Feet towels.

Yeah, Tramarty T.M. Copyright, 2025. I don't know how Bartlett is going to respond to the pot noodle foldover. I can't see him going in on this. Well, if he's out, if he's out. If he's out for the feet towels, imagine Dragon's Den. He's out for the feet towels. Chris doesn't get investment leaves.

The next person in is Chris clearly just wearing a hat. Hold in a soppy hair. He's like, right, he'll be out. That's you. I know that's you. I'll tell you what, as well, back in the day, like, going back to, like, I don't know, late 90s or something like that, you go into a festival. Like, you went to the Redding Festival or something like that in the late 90s.

They would have a pot noodle stand, an official pot noodle stand. Wow. And it was a giant pot noodle. And you'd go into the pot noodle to order a pot noodle. And I would go in to get a pot noodle just because the thrill of being in a pot noodle was so much fun that you're like the idea of being in the pot noodle was better than the pot noodle. So it almost feel like you were going on a ride. Yeah. Do you want your dream meal to be in a pot noodle?

A massive pot noodle? A Christmas you won. Yeah, well, yeah, if it fits the format. Yeah, yeah. Let's not forget that this will have to be a big pot noodle restaurant in the middle of an episode of Frazier. Yeah. So love it.

Giant pot noodles size of these Seattle Space Needle. Yeah, yeah. But honestly, like, walk, like, so the whole, it just looked, like, because I could see back then, so for the people at home, it just looked like a huge pot noodle. Yeah. But the front of it was cut out like a little doorway, and you'd walk in the pot noodle.

and you come out the big pot noodle with a little pot noodle and even just even just now the thought of it's making me giddy with like excited it's just a thrilling thing to do where else do you get to go in the big thing

and come up with a little version of the big thing yeah that's a good point yeah there's not enough of that in life Eiffel Tower maybe yeah well okay that's a commemorative thing in it like yeah but but not a natural it's not working yeah I know what you mean

Outside of landmarks. Yeah. Yeah. The big pot noodles is probably the only example of that. I mean, if you got to, like, if you were at a burger shop, make it a big burger. And then the amount of people that would go in the big burger to come up with a little burger. Yeah. Oh, your burger sales will go through the roof.

Yeah. Literally. Now, normally on the best of episodes, we'd have a section about the national treasures who have appeared on the podcast over the last 12 months. But this year, we've had. had global icons down at the dream restaurant. I cannot believe these people agreed to be on the podcast either. Let's hear from Jeff Goldblum, Gillian Anderson, Kate Winsler. I've gotten to the point these days where I don't want to waste my appetite,

which is always healthy. I can always always eat and I'm always interested in eating. But I don't want to waste just any meal on just filling my stomach up with fuel, although it's medicine, and I want to do that. But I want it to be special and entertaining without being unhealthy, and delightful, wonderful, an experience. I know exactly what you mean. You don't want to waste a meal at all.

You want it to be nice, delicious, but also make you feel good afterwards. It's a difficult balance to strike. Yes, don't you find. But a worthwhile little mission endeavor, and I enjoyed doing that with other. people, because as you know, it's a social event. I have a couple little boys and a wonderful wife, and we, and she cooks, and I love home cooking. We'll talk about all that. And I love the boys. They make me things. They're already very handy in the kitchen. One particularly is very helpful. He makes me every day a cup of coffee. We have this nice machine, and he knows

how did, he's very capable, better than I can. You know, when he's not there, I kind of don't use it. I don't make myself a coffee. You know, I'm a little bit like that. How old is he? Nine. That's incredible. He's been doing that for a couple years. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he's fantastic.

He's fantastic. And I'll tell you this. Now, none of this come to mind. River, that's Charlie. River, who's seven, another delightful boy, amazing. He has, we had a pretend kitchen. Not like we used to have when I was a kitchen. What was that called the, you know, easy bake oven?

No, he had some wooden blocks that came in the shape of a half a hard-boiled egg and fruit and stuff. And he liked having seen us in our kitchen, having some fake pots and pans, and coming over and serving. He's always been very giving and sharing. And he likes to make things for us. He still does. He's a painter. He likes to give me da-da.

Here's this. But he used to go spend a long time. Here, here's some more food. Now, don't yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. How about that? Those are some of my favorite eating experience. It was not even real. I love it.

You're an actor, but you're always learning. And you're there. You get to really perfect eating on, you know, so next time you do an eating scene, everyone's going to be like, wow, you really ate all that food. Well, now you brought up another. That's a portal into another subject, which interests me greatly. The craft of acting and depicting real life. Yes, there have been, I'm sure you've talked to many people about it, eating in movies,

and eating on stage. Oh, yeah, I could tell you a lot about that. That's a fantastic interview technique, by the way, to go, I could tell you. You'll tell you a lot about it. Really? Well, thank you. I love you. These guys look great.

You know what these guys look like. Wow, what specimens. What these tattoos are fantastic. Thank you very much, Jeff. Oh, my God. Yeah, he's got a lot of tattoos. Don't let him scare you. He's trying to scare you.

They're fantastic. I like tattoos. Yeah. A caster. I thought it was a caster when I read it, of course. But a caster, it reminded me of that, do you know that word anima caster? You know what an anima caster is? I don't know that word, actually?

You know what it is? No. It's kind of like a doily, but for the purpose specifically, and your grandmother might have had it, you know, on the couch, which gets rubbed and might get threadbare. You put this little kind of piece of material kind of doily like over it. That's an Anna Macaster. Well, I relate to that. You know, definitely, often I can be like the buffer between, like, you know, something that someone really values and an unwanted presence. and I might be the thing that goes in between that

and stops it from getting scuffed, emotionally speaking. He's very deep, isn't it? So much to unpack there. What a good brain you've got. Wow. Hey, have you ever eaten brains? Or all sorts of organ meats or exotic foods? He definitely has.

I love all that. Really? Yeah. What's that, what's that called? Wait, wait, wait, what's it called? Oh, Welsh rare. No, that's not right. No, brains are called.

When you eat brains, that dish is called... Why is it called? You know, you know. You know what I'm thinking of. He'll find it. Do you mean like the general term for all of that stuff? No, no. It's particularly...

Did your son have some wooden brains that he can feed you? Did your son have wooden brains in his... No, I don't know. He didn't have that. No, he just had the standard stuff. Although I'm thinking about that movie, I think the second Hannibal Lecter... Oh, yes. Don't, doesn't he...

Ray Leota. That's right, Ray Leota. and he starts without him knowing, eating those fresh brains right from his brain. That's gruesome. But, you know, I used to like organ meat of all kinds. I'll tell you about my current regime, health-wise, but, you know, liver and all sorts of things we could talk about at length. But what's it called? You're not finding it.

Okay. What's your name? That's the great Benito. Benito, what? Give me, I'm very good at this. Give me the first initial of your last name. Benito Woodhouse. Yes.

Correct. PG Woodhouse. I've read all of his books, by the way. Is that, was I close? That is correct. Benito Woodhouse. No, that is his name now. It is now.

Whatever you say his name is, is what it is. And we will always say it. Yeah, all right. We genuinely will. Very good. My girlfriend drinks a lot of apple juice. Oh, really? Yeah, got to the point now.

She doesn't have to ask me to get it when I'm going to the shop. Oh, well, she'll need a new, like, massive bottle of apple juice. What brand? Are you allowed to say brands? Yeah, we are. But, like, I actually don't know this one because it's like, I've literally got it so many times from the shop. I don't even see the label anymore. Is it in plastic or in cardboard?

It's a glass bottle. You get a fancy. Yeah, that's a fancy one, isn't it? That ain't a big one. No, no, it's big. It's like a huge glass bottle. You mean the big ones like that, like Martinelli's with the... No, but, like, is this, it's quite a tall, like big bottle.

It might as well be a wine bottle, really. Right, yeah, like a magnum. Yeah, and I'm like, that's always. it's got to be any time I'm going out to get something I've got to get one of those because she's guzzling that. Is she drinking it straight? She's not doing it. She's not doing the... I couldn't do that. That's not for me. She's not doing

this. It's like, she may as well have like an adult size sippy cup, like a little kid. Well, that's it. I think adding sparkling water to it makes it a grown-up drink. It does. Whereas drinking straight apple juice are you five? Is your girlfriend five? She's not, just to be clear. When she was nine,

which is still... When you met her? Still a gum. She told me that when she's nine years old She had her first crush on a lady Oh She's ever had in her life Can you guess who that lady was, Gillian Anderson? Well, I hope it wasn't her mom

I mean Sorry Fingers crossed not her mom I'm sorry Sorry Why would I be bringing that up On the pot Guess what?

My girlfriend used to fancy her mum When she was growing up What do you think about that? She loves apple juice. Oh, she loves apple juice. There you go. It was you. Oh, really?

When she was nine. Yeah, it was nine. She remembers it very clearly. She tells them she was her first female. She's, she's old now. Yeah. She's like in her late 30s. Yeah, yeah.

But, yeah. But, yeah. But, yeah, she knew at nine that she had a crush. Yeah, she was like, this is the real deal. Yeah. Yeah, like this lady is like, I can't stop thinking about her. Oh, interesting. Yeah, yeah.

And what did your wife say when... Oh, yeah. I said we're interviewing Julian Anderson tomorrow and she went like this. So there you go. Both of our partners are very jealous that we're speaking to do. Clearly, yeah, rather...

And apparently, my wife is like Les Dawson. That was my impression. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, his wife's quite grubby. Oh, Les Dawson. I can't believe you miss Les Dawson as well. You know, Les Dawson.

Old comedian. No, no. I'm going to pick my references better of moving forward. No, it's right. This is good. I'm learning. I'm learning.

I don't know how much, how useful all the stuff you're learning is though. I do apologise for what we're filling your head with. He is a little bit like a ventriloquist dummy, isn't he? The way he sat up now. Yeah.

And the way you're... Yeah, absolutely. Very good. Yeah. Very good impression straight away. Yeah. This is the master at work. That's the clip.

Benito, we've got the clip. That's the quickest anyone's done. No, it's really interesting. It's fascinating. I don't think I've ever met a live ventriloquist done in the fall. He met Jimmy Carr. Haven't you? I have met Jimmy Carr.

You're right. So I take it back. Surely that was an X-File. Jimmy Carr? Yeah. Hopping out of a great. If only, if only he was just an X-File and that was all he was. That would explain everything.

Oh, you mean a ventriloquist? I think we did have a ventriloquist on me episode. Yeah. I'm sure you do. You must have done. How many episodes did you do? must have been a ventral liquid

yeah what's the one that gets brought up to you the most because I tell you the one that I've heard everyone said the most who watches X-Files

and they're like Oh yeah go on which they're like the scariest one they're like I can never sit on the toilet again

because of that big oh yeah oh the fluke worm or whatever yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's scary tombs surely

yeah and tombs yeah what did you find most scary like to film but when you're probably the Jimmy Car

episode coming out of the toilet coming out of the toilet like that oh no here we come so yesterday just coincidentally there was this thing came up on my algorithm of James Cameron talking about all of his films

and he talked about casting in Titanic and the whole Corset Cape thing before that which I didn't know about that because for me now that seems bananas bananas that you would have been called that because you've done so many different things it was the first time I'd heard it

Well, people do like labels, and I think, you know, starting out in some of those great early things I was able to do, like sense and sensibility and things like that. Yeah, people do like to sort of pigeonhole actresses, and they don't really like it if you step outside of that framework that they have chosen that you're going to exist in. And so, no, I'm, yeah, weird, corset Kate. It doesn't make any sense. And you were so young at the time. I think it's a lot of jealousy from other people. Probably. giving you a nickname like that.

But then like, I just think like for me, you're just someone who's always done so many different things. It's really weird to watch that and go like, when did that happen? I know, it's bizarre. I think something that helped me kind of move beyond that was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which I remember thinking, okay, this is, okay, this could be good. I could be stepping outside of that

and, you know, doing something completely wild and different. And that whole experience actually of making Eternal Sunshine was so amazing. I mean, Michelle Gondry, who directed it, he's just avant-garde and funny and bonkers, and it was a great experience. I loved playing that character. There's a lot of improvisation in that film. I'm glad you've brought this film up, Kate, because I had to message James when we confirmed that you're coming in and say, don't only talk about Eternal Sunshine in the spotless mind, because he will talk about it for a whole episode with a guest who's not been involved in the film at all.

Oh, it is a good one. Why? He's gone quiet. Yeah, because he's excited. He can't wait. It's my favourite thing. We can talk about it as much. I love talking about it.

I mean, it was an amazing shoot. And yes, there was a lot of improvising. I remember there was one night when I was at home asleep. And it was 2 o'clock in the morning. And the phone rang. And it was Michelle Gondry. And he was like, you have to come. You have to come.

I said, what are talking about? He said, there is this circus. He's coming into town. And they have all this elephant. All these elephants. They are coming down 5th Avenue. You have to come. I said, okay.

okay when are we doing that he said now is happening now right now you have to get into a cab and you have to I was like oh my god and of course you get in a cab and of course you turn up and then improvise an entire scene with a load of elephants coming down fifth avenue and it was it was really amazing and that's one of the lovely things about making films is that sometimes you do get to work with people who are brave enough to do these kind of crazy things I thank God it was a great film right because imagine it was just a crazy guy and the film was awful yeah like it up at two o'clock come and improvise with these elephants. I know.

It was all a bit of a, it was all a bit of a mad risk, but, you know, that's what life's about, I think, isn't it? Guess where he went recently and sent me videos of his whole trip there?

Oh, God. I'm now going to pronounce it wrong, even though, Montauk? Montau. The place in the saddle sunshine that you go to. He went there and he was really excited about it because he knew I'd like it,

so he sent me videos of his whole trip. He was at the station that you guys were at. Oh, yeah. Went to all the different locations. It was absolutely, It was brilliant out there. I loved it.

And it was very, very cold. And it wasn't meant to snow. And, you know, there's that scene in it. I don't need to tell you. I don't need to tell you, do I? Where they wake up in a bed on the beach in the snow. Okay, wasn't meant to snow. And we got there late one night, the whole crew and cast we'd all traveled out there,

woke up in the morning, literally three foot of snow everywhere. So I called Michelle and I said, oh, God, what are we going to do? He was like, what do you mean? it's fantastic, we are going to shoot in Zad. And then there we are, you know, on the beach, in the bed, in the snow. Completely, I mean, I don't think you'll ever see that again anywhere in a lot, because one of the chances. And it was freezing, but yeah, completely amazing.

I loved Montauk. There was a cafe that I would go to on the way to work, and I would always get a coffee and a really delicious, thick doorstop-sized. It was in a sort of an oatmeal raisin cooking. with loads of lovely ground spices in it and Mac and things

and yeah see I love food my kids always say to me you always remember the places we went by the food that we ate quite right absolutely true

I really do yeah I went on David Cross's podcast and I really annoyed him by asking him how many times a week does he think to himself I was in eternal sunshine

the spotless mind and he was like never I don't think that Kerry I'm making a birdhouse I quoted that to him on his podcast he did not like it

he remembered He wasn't impressed by me for shouting out. I did exactly what you've just done. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, come on, man. What a line. It's a funny line. But have you seen such brilliant scenes as well in waiting for Guffman?

You've seen, please tell me you've seen. Yes, he's waiting for Guffman. Oh, my God. That's one of our favorites. There's that scene. I've been coming out to this landing site. The temperature is always the same. Yeah, he's genius.

He's so, so talented. Well, he doesn't like his genius being brought up to him, I'll tell you that. much. Oh, okay. But it's fun, fun to wind him up. He's a curmudgeon. So it was really fun. You know, winding him up on his own podcast about how much I love Eternal Sunshine it was not happy. Not happy. I would ask you how often you think I was in Eternal Sunshine, but I imagine probably not much. Well, it's been coming up a lot recently. And what I think is amazing is how that is turning into a bit of a cult classic and that there's a whole other a little bit like Titanic. You know, there's another generation of young people who

are discovering it largely because of the music, because The soundtrack is so incredible. But that's, I just, I never would have expected that, you know. And people will quote to me that line, I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind. It is a great line written by the great Charlie Kaufman. She was such an extraordinary character, incredible. And those wigs, I mean, my God, they were all wigs. Oh, were they?

Yeah, yeah. And I did get to keep a couple of them, which is pretty cool. Yeah, it was just an amazing character to play. And I really did feel like I could be quite free and experimental and learned a lot about myself as an actor through that process and sort of being brave and just trying stuff. That thing of like, you know, just making mistakes. That was positively encouraged by Michelle Gondry.

Was there anything in particular that you did? I just have been my last Eternal Sunshine question. I don't believe you, but okay. Now I can see why David Cross cut you off so quickly. He was furious. I'm not going to cut you off, darling. Go on. Is there anything particularly that you did that was taking a risk that made it in the film? And you were like, I'm really glad that I did that.

Yeah, I think there's that line when, in that hilarious sequence where the memories are erasing. And there's a bit where the Joel character is being bathed in the kitchen sink by his mom. And then where there's that perspective set where he's under the day, it was so genius. And when I went, my crotch is still here, look, just as you remembered it. And I flashed my knickers. That was definitely spur of the moment. Yeah. Your knickers?

Your knickers are wardrobes? No, they were wardrobes. I soon to remember they were pink. I don't think I'd ever wear pink knickers. Not in real life. Actually, I've got one more question. But it links to another film and stuff. Does it link to food, which is what this podcast is supposed to be about?

Come on, come on. Did you and Elijah Wood talk about being directed by Peter Jackson at a completely different times in his career? No, because he was just about to go away. He hadn't done it yet? No. He was just about to go and, start shooting, Lord of the Rings, from memory.

From memory, he was, he hadn't gone yet. Because you were like, maybe I'm wrong about that. Did you know what? I am wrong about that. No, he had done some of it. Elijah had done some. And he was going back, I think, to do additional shooting or reshoots or something like that. And no, he didn't talk about it very much. He's quite a sort of, actors on the whole don't talk about other jobs to each other.

Just because it's just the work. It's private. I mean, I'm sure you don't talk about, you know, that show you did last night. We do, all the time. It's the only thing we talk about. We're texting each other last night about our gigs as they were happening. Saying how great you both were. Yeah, yeah, of course.

And how much we love doing stand-up and how we really respect our audiences. And how you're never scared at all when you all got onto the stage. We love the reaction we get and the audiences are perfect and they're lovely. Okay. Yeah, yeah. We're so grateful. Great, weirdos. We were good though, right?

You were great. You were great. Yeah, we were good. Yeah. You were nice, you were relaxed, you were kind, and you were funny. Yeah, pretty funny. I didn't ask too many questions about a tennis fan. I thought I was quite funny.

Was I surprisingly funny? No, you've been funny in Phil. Did you not know what you were going to get and you're relieved to discover that? No, I think I knew you'd be a funny and warm and open interviewee. Okay, good. I've seen you in. I was never worried about when you were coming in. Sometimes people coming in were like, I don't know how this is going to go.

And sometimes we're right. And when we finish recording, you're going to tell me who was the scariest person. Robert DeRero. Oh, I don't think he's scary, isn't it? No, not scary, just intimidating is a prospect? Oh, intimidating, yes. Yeah, yeah.

Yes, I can see that. That might be a surprise to the guests. And he's very... To the guests, to the listeners. Very comfortable with not giving answers. Oh. Oh, that can maybe... Okay. It was a funny episode, though,

because our listeners know us and they like to hear us flail sometimes. Oh. Yeah, but that's... Sorry to tell you, but that was an option. They haven't been a hint of flailing today. We've not needed to flail. Good.

Be honest with me, Ed. Did I ask too many questions about Eternal Sunshine? You always ask too many questions about Eternal Sunshine, and normally to a guess it wasn't in the film. Of course, there was one global icon that we were convinced was going to cancel on us right up until the moment he sat down in the chair to record. In 2025, we had Robert De Niro on the podcast.

Let's hear from Robert De Niro, Robert De Niro, and Robert DeNiro. hero. I was going to tell you once years ago when I was I was in Thailand shooting the deer hunter and we were shooting at the river Kwai and they uh somebody said you want to have some cobra meat so I they ate cobra wow and what was it like it was okay it wasn't great but it wasn't it was like cooked on us they literally over a fire they're just like uh like marshmallows and I ate so it had no nothing on it to kind of give a flay a different flavor. flavor, or enhance the flavor, whatever. So the whole making of that film sounds like it was pretty uphill from what I understand.

It was hard to get it, like, you know, made the way you wanted to, and then like, and it was such a huge success, and now it's a classic, but it's pretty hard making it, right? It was the toughest thing making it was the, well, it was, it was hard, but the helicopter stuff we did, because it was very complicated on the River Kwai to shoot the chopper coming down to pick us up and take us off the bridge. Because when we were on a log, which was, you just think it's a log, but the log in reality would roll. So they put a big thing below to give it ballast like a boat.

So it would stay that way. So we had to come down the river on the log, get onto the thing, but the chopper couldn't land because the bridge was too low. and it was between two rock faces. And it was a narrower part of the river so that the water ran faster. So we had to raise the footbridge higher so that Chopper could get down. So we couldn't, as I remember, we couldn't go get on the thing, the chopper come down and take us away, one shot or whatever.

So we did the first part going down, climbing up onto the footbridge, did that. Then the next thing we would do, the chopper would come down. and it was able to come down because the bridge was higher. So it came down. And in the meantime, they have these boats called Long Tail. So they had them there, which is a car engine up here and a long sort of pulled it. And then the propeller at the end, and they steer the boat. And it had fallen down.

It had sunk right on the other side of the bridge, one had. And it had these pointers. I don't know what they were sticking up. So we did the one shot where the chopper came down. And Chris Walken got on, John Savage got on, I sort of got on, but I couldn't hold the runners because the runner was too thick to really grasp the way I should have and get my legs up. So I was just hanging from it. Chopper went down, turned around, and flew back up.

And then I just dropped into the water as we got close to the edge of the river and I fell in. Then we did it again. But this time I said, let's make the chopper back in. So we're not turning around, wasting a lot of time. It backs in, Chris gets in, John gets in. That's fine. It backed in, came back. The chopper, for some reason, started rising before it should have.

And the runners were under the cable. So those two walk cable, you put your arms as you're walking. It lifted the cable, so we were all of a sudden hanging below the chopper, above the water. And I said, John, let's drop, drop in the water. And we do, as I go, it's going to fall on top of us. So we went under the water. What they do sometimes, in my experience, in another movie, too, they have, like, in a river or something,

they have, like, two outboards going with a rope across. They go at the speed of the river. So if you grab out of the rope and you're okay. So that's what happened. Downstream, we came up, soon as we came up, grabbed the rope. And as we were up, I see the co-pilot of the chopper stepping down and lifting the cable over the runner, because they realized what they had done

and then they got lifted and they flew away and that's what we said all right that's it we've done we got that shot in those days they had six cameras

shooting and that was it is phenomenally dangerous I mean filmmaking must have changed quite a lot since then in terms of what the actors can and can't do I don't know

I don't know who does what with stunts and stuff some actors I hear like to do I don't know it depends so it's tough to think about fool when you're in that situation. Yeah. So you'll take a bit of cobra.

Yeah, you'll have some cobra. Pop-doms or bread. Pop-doms or bread, Robert De Niro. Pop-doms or bread. What? Yes. Pop-Noms or bread. So this is one of these moments

I knew he's going to come up. I need interpretation. Yes. James shouted, Pop-at-Oms or bread. This is the next option within the dream meal. What is that? Pop-Doms, crispy Indian snack that you might get before you have a curry. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And you get those with all the Indian dips or bread, I'm assuming you're across bread. I'm a cross bread. You know, now we need another person. You know what bread is. I like all kinds of bread. So that's Indian bread. It's sort of a crispy, chip-pe-based thing. So that would come at the start of an Indian meal. So what James is shouting is Pop-Doms or are you going to go with bread at this point in the dream meal? Oh, it can be just whatever you like to have before a meal when you sit down at a restaurant.

Sometimes there's prawn crackers. because sometimes there's chips and dips, olives, you know. I'm easy. I like whatever they put in front of me as long as it's good. Are you a foodie? Do you like going out to it? Come on, this guy. Owned a chain of restaurants.

He owns a try back and grill this guy. He's a foodie, Ed. Sorry, Bob. I do like good. That was embarrassing. That was frankly embarrassing what he did just then. He corrected him and that's okay. Yeah, you might just be a good businessman.

Well, this guy, look, I mean, how did, I don't actually know the Nobu's story and how you came to, like, be involved in it. But like, I think it's amazing. But how did you get involved? I was at, I was with Roland Jaffe, who's the British director, and Rollins took me to this restaurant called Matsuhisa. It was Nobu's last name. And I said to him, I said, this is great. I thought this could work so well in New York. And then I just, I think it'd work well here in London. But first, you know, in New York, it's easy to see. And so I said, if you ever want to open a restaurant, it was a long couple of years. years from finally open it. Man, I had a similar thing with a juice guy, but he went quiet on me.

James is trying to set up a juice business. Yeah, it's gone bad. It's, it's, it's dead now. It's dead in the war. The guy, he made these amazing juices at this restaurant in Copenhagen, and I was like, I want to start a juice business for this guy. And he was on board for a bit, but he's been ghosted me. He's not applying to my emails anymore. I don't know. You probably didn't have that problem with Nobu, but like, the guy just stopped. I suggested that we called it juice all, The thing. I think that turned him off. Yeah, it would do, yeah. Yeah, it was a turn off. I think it wasn't taking it seriously enough. It's not a bad name. Thank you. Not bad title or whatever. Yeah. You'd pick up a bottle of juice almighty if you saw it on the shelf. Well, the juice has to be good. Yeah, that's the bottom line, you know. This was. Juice is good. It all works. It was stellar juice. Okay. It doesn't take, you know. That's what you say. I have to taste it. Absolutely. And I wish I could give you some now, but the guy's gone quiet of it. Well, that's, now you have. It's gone fully quiet on me on the emails.

What can you, what can you do? So I imagine you don't have that, I imagine no one goes quiet. You can't go to Denmark and chase them down. Yeah, maybe. Look, I'm actually going to Denmark this week. If you want to come with me, Bob. I can't. I think it would help.

Other things to do. Imagine if you were on the email chain, I'll add you to the email chain. I'm not sure if you heard, Bob. You're not a fan of being on an email chain? No. No, that's not fun, actually, is it? Some restaurants are known for the, great dessert. Sometimes what I do with friends is if we're a restaurant, we ask them just to pick

out the three best of the lettuce, we'll share it. That's good. Well, that's nice. Are you good at sharing? Yeah. I usually eat off other people's plates because I don't want to have too much, so I nibble here, I nibble there. And plus, you save one full meal that you have to buy. So it's very, you know, it's also economical. So you'll go with friends, won't order anything and they'll be like, I know what he's planning. My kids are complaining to me from their place. Will you ask or will you just reach across and go for it? At this point, I just do it.

You know, I might have to ask sometimes. It would be polite because the kids might be annoyed with me. That's a power play, man. Could do that for your dream meal. We could invite your kids to dessert. They all have a different dessert and you can pick off all their plates. Could do that. But now you're going to have to choose three desserts for Bob's kids.

Yes. Well, got to have some ice cream in there. Yeah. What flavors though? I like pistachio. There are some, forgetting what place I've been to that great ice cream,

whatever the flavors where I can't even remember, but they were, it was really terrific. And sometimes you get, obviously, cows milk ice cream, but also like they do,

goat's milk ice cream, sheep's milk. You can milk anything with nipples. Right. He always says that. That's a stick. He's the nipple guy. So which nipple are you going to pick

for Bob? Cat, cat nipple. we've got down to this do it meet the parents yeah I know I'm doing meet the parents huge film for me huge film for me growing up also that was one of my first introductions

to you because I was a certain age I hadn't seen I'm 40 okay so like when meet the parents came out it was probably teenager I was like this guy the funniest guys ever I was saying to my dad like

look at his he went that's what the guy I ripped your head off that guy don't be laughing he's a tough guy and I was like I don't know

what you're talking about this is a really funny man and then I watched all the other films I was like oh yeah I see one my dad was talking about now you've played a variety of characters over the years

but yeah I was first introduced to you as just like a straight up comedian but that was like the start of you doing a lot of comedic roles in a row

what do you mean do you in comedy or oh no for like meet the parents you're like a new chapter to analyze this and

that. Meet the parents I think we did between analyze this and that. When I watched Analyze this for the first time, it was probably in some of the saddest circumstances I've ever watched a film. I turned up at a kid's birthday party and no one else had showed up. Oh boy. And it was just me

and this other kid. Really? Was it your birthday party? It wasn't my birthday party. It was a different kid. And we sat there and just watched Analyze this while eating cubed up watermelon. How old was the kid? How old were you? Teenagers, we're in school like 14, 15.

He had no one else came to his birthday, but you know, and showed up for me. Imagine if it's your birthday and no one shows up apart from this guy. Just me. It's sad. It is very sad. Yeah. Me asking them, you know, stupider questions than this. Imagine like, I'm 40 now and I'm saying this kind of stuff.

Imagine what I was, my conversation was like when I was a teenager. I don't want to imagine. I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me? That's all I was looking for. That's all I was looking for. I know, man. But he didn't even tell us what he wanted for starter. He's not going to do a quote for you. Fair enough. That's it for part one of the 2020.

That's it for part one of the 2025 best ofs. We're back tomorrow with part two. And we'll leave you with some humbling words from Joanne McNally. Billy, are you got to keep him Bozio? I've dated men before they make it their identity

now I've I mean what they start a podcast about it do you have a podcast do you have a food podcast no not this one

Joanne where do you think you are Jesus that was for the listener I thought Joanne was deliberately doing a joke

and then when the penny dropped and Joanne realized what she had said I thought oh that wasn't a joke

that's incredible that was a genuine question to Ed do you have a food podcast Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.