Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Chris McCausland (Christmas Special)

Episode Date: December 10, 2025

Yuletide is here, and joining us for our first festive special is stand-up superstar and ‘Strictly’ champ Chris McCausland. ChrisMcCausland. ChristmasCausland…Chris McCausland’s autobiography ‘Keep Laughing!’ is out now in hardback and audiobook, published by Michael Joseph. Buy it here.Chris is on tour in 2026 with his show ‘Yonks!’. For dates and tickets go to chrismccausland.comFollow Chris on Instagram @chrismccauslandcomedy and TikTok @chrismccausland Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube on Thu 11 Dec.Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcastFollow Off Menu on Instagram and TikTok: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive, and Felipe Franco.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the mini sausages of conversation, wrapping them in the bacon of humour, roasting them perfectly in the oven of podcasts, pigs in blankets. Oh, Christmas. Pods in blankets. blankets. It's a Christmas special. It's a Christmas miracle. So Ed's done a little, that's a gamble by the way. Oh yeah,

that's James Akeaster over there. And we own a dream restaurant and every single week we're inviting a guest asking their favourite starter. Megas, side dish, drink, dessert. And Christmas. And Christmas dinner. Not in that order. Not in that order, thankfully. And this week, our guest is Christmas Causland. Christmas, Corsland.

If you say it quickly, it sounds like Christmas. Christmas, Orsland. Christmas, Christmas, Sorsland. And that's, of course, not the main reason we've got Chris on. We've got Chris on because he's a fantastic comedian. Amazing comedian. A lovely man, and he won Strictly Come Dancing, James. Is this our first Strictly champ?

I don't know. I don't know anything about Strictly. Of course you don't. Yeah. Well, I think it's our first Strictly champ. I think it might be our first Strictly champ. I couldn't name any others apart for it. Bill Bailey was here as Strictly champ. He was.

We've not had him on the pod. No, which is criminal. Yeah, especially at Christmas, Bill Bailey's. Oh, yeah, of course. Very Christmassy. Yeah. We've had Dooley on, actually. James Ben's just informed us. Dooley loves a party.

Do you remember Dooley's Toffee Vodka? No. Okay. Chris has got a book out. His autobiography, Keep Laughing. Chris has obviously done a lot in his life. He's got a lot of things to say. Can't wait to read the book.

It'd be a fantastic book. The book, James, is also available in audio. Chris is reading it, the audio book. A great way to consume comedians. books, I think. And this podcast is available in audio, and also visual on YouTube tomorrow. Yes. Yes, very good. And also, Benito's

typing it all up as a book. Is he? Yeah, every single episode. Is it just going to be Benito's book? Yeah, it's called the Great Benito, The Off Menu podcast. In my own words. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And there's going to be every episode available

in loads of volumes, and it's, you know, for people with libraries. Do we get any money from that? No. Just it? Wouldn't thought so. Yeah, just him. But if Chris chooses the secret ingredient, which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick him out of the dream restaurant.

Yes. And this week, the secret ingredient is? Chris Stingle. It's another name thing, and also it's Christmasy. Yeah, it's an orange that has loads of stuff stuck in it. You know, scholars have covered it. Yeah, some of the great minds of the last millennium have covered the Christingle.

Yeah, yeah. In a humorous fashion. And some people thought they made it up. Oh, really? Yeah, some people have said to those great minds, that's made up. And the great mind has had to say, no, it's real. What an awful routine that would be? Yeah.

An observational routine about something that you've made up. Yeah, yeah. Actually, that's quite funny. That's quite good. That would be fun. Yeah, that's quite good idea, actually. But it's unlikely that Christmas, Osland will choose the Christingle. But if he does, he's out of here.

He is out of here. this is the off-menu Christmas menu of Christmas Orsland Welcome, Chris to the Dream Restaurant. Oh, thank you very much for having me. Welcome, Chris McOrsland to the Dream Restaurant, but expecting you for some time. Now, James has lost his voice recently, Chris, so normally he'd do a big explosion and he'd shout.

But what you went with there was actually, it was from the stomach, it was quite a good production, I thought, Wogan. Projecting there. He's also spilt a breakfast bagel down his trousers today. God damn it, Chris. And, you know, he has the perfect guest in front of him for this to be the day of a disastrous spillage,

but yet still felt the need to talk about it. He also texted me about that, and I thought, well, I must remember to bring that up on the episode because that will annoy him. Luckily, I've got Chris here for him. Because it's quicker what I ever thought I would. Well, it's not often I'm the only one without food down with trousers. It was a breakfast.

We have us wrap, and they put too much sauce in it, and they should let you know. Did you kind of have a bit of a disaster yourself, or did you bite one end and they squirted out of that either? Well, actually, so, yeah, first of all, I dripped on my right leg when I was eating it. Yeah. So, like, dripped out of the, and then I was like, oh, no. You're so OCD that you had to do the other leg. Yeah. But when I was sorting out my right leg, it came out the bottom on my left leg.

So, see, to me, what this is. My left leg's worse. You know, when you're at school and someone came to school with like a big stain on their trousers and they'd be like, oh, I had a yoghurt this morning and I spilled it or it's tip-ex. Yeah. It feels like that. It feels like... Yeah, well, it's exactly where...

Yeah. If I had jizzed in my pants, it would be... Yeah, yeah. So, like, yeah, it's pretty annoying. Yeah. Because, like, we've got three episodes today. Yeah. And then after that, I've got to go and, like, try and pitch a TV idea to someone.

Well, that's not getting away. Well, what's the TV idea? Is it about a man who doesn't... He doesn't wash his clothes and stuff. You could pivot and say you're in character. I'm in the state of TV in this day and age. It could be a reality TV show called Jizz or not, and then you've just got to guess whether somebody jizzed in their pants

or have they had a bit of a food disaster. Chris, that's a brilliant idea. Oh, God, Channel 5. The follow up to Is it Cake or whatever? Is it Jiz. Have you ever had an episode Star Solo? Yeah. It'd be nice to say no to that question.

But let's elevate the episode. Let's talk about your book, Chris. Keep laughing. Keep laughing. The autobiography. Yes. Let's elevate this episode. And not talk about Jizz unless the whole book is about Jiz.

Chapter 12 entirely about Jiz. Respect. Yeah. If you read the index. Yeah. The J page goes on through about. Now, is the first book? It is, yeah.

At the minute, it's also the last one. Oh, yeah. It straddles both first and last, otherwise known as only. So you enjoyed writing it, then you enjoyed the process? Do you know what? I did, yeah. I wrote it this year. Michael Joseph, part of penguin. I never know whether I should call them Michael Joseph or Penguin, but, you know, no one's heard of Michael Joseph. I don't know where Michael Joseph is, so people have heard of penguin. They, I stroke a genius. They put the book on sale

before I started writing it. There's nothing put to rocket to be your ass. Like a book being on sale It doesn't exist And what that meant Is I didn't plan any of it I just got stuck in And if I'd have been left to my own devices I'd have gone round in circles

And overplanned it And just, you know What about this? What order should I put the chapters in That don't exist? And so I just started writing And I made sure I got to like 50,000 words Before I even started looking

How it went together And it's mad when you start writing Because you've got no idea Whether you've got the word count You know You don't know whether your story is the minimum word count. And in the end, it was well over to the point of arrogance, really. I'm thinking, people need to read 122,000 words about my life.

How often you're checking the word count? Every time I've written a book, I just keep checking the word count all the time, to the point where I'm like, this is too much you're checking. I'm pushing the font size. Every time I'm writing it, I'm going bigger font, every single time. It doesn't affect the word count of that though, mate.

Yeah, I know, but it affects how it looks on the shelf. Yeah, more pictures. That's one thing they asked me. They weren't saying, we need to sort out the photographs for the book. I said, what do you mean, the photographs for the book? They went out of people put photographs and autobiographs. I'm not putting photographs.

I'm not being the only one. That doesn't know what the photos are in my own book. People can use imagination. I've used words to describe things. They can picture them in their minds. But no, do you know what? It was good. It was easy.

Well, that wasn't easy, but it was easier than it would have been a year before. So, you know, like, I did strictly. And it kind of just changed how I felt about about a couple of things, really, about, you know all the things that you'd be typically closed off about and, like, all your emotions and you keep them kind of buried away and you don't let people in. You've had to written there a year before. I'd have written just the jokes, just the funny stories.

And they're all in there. But, like, once you've cried on the telly in front of the 10 million people, you kind of feel a little bit more open about the things. But also, like, I was such a perfectionist, like, in that I would, I wouldn't kind of put things out if I didn't think they were good enough. And then all of a sudden, you know, you do this thing that teaches you that, you know, things can connect with people in a way that you don't expect when, if you just put yourself out there, it doesn't have to, like, it's, like, it's, I don't,

you know, the dancing wasn't the best dancing and there are, you know, there are greater works of of, you know, literary kind of non-fiction out there. But if it connects with people, then that's the main thing, in it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've said that, 4.9 stars on, um,

audible. Did you get half-history with that sentence and realise I was supposed to be writing my book here and I've just said it's not the greatest work of literally. Well, it's not, is it? I mean, it's hardly bloody Charles Dickens, is it? But, you know, for a comedian's autobiography, I think it more than holds its own. Charles Dickens could also do the comedy clubs of the UK and win a dance competition, Chris.

Also never had a chapter entirely about Jizz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I know of. I've never met any of his books, actually. He could have, Charles Dickens could. Towards the end of great expectations. Yeah, well, he always named his characters, didn't he, about, like, how they, their personality traits and things. That was the thing. You probably had a Mr. Jiz in one of his books.

But it'd be like Mr. Jizzlekins or something. Yeah, I love with Jizzlekins, yeah. So we always start with still a sparkling water, Chris. Do you have a preference? I just think it's it. I mean, I don't really trust people who drink sparkling water. Don't really, doesn't sit right with me. It's like someone sucked all the fun out of lemonade, isn't it?

Yeah. Do you know what? You drink sparkling water. your brain expects fun. It's like you've got COVID. It's just, it's missing something. It's the beverage equivalent of when you stand on an escalator that's not moving.

Your brain's expecting one thing and you get an entirely different thing and there's just something not quite right about the universe. And I think people who enjoy sparkling water are people who are just so void of any fun and joy in their life but like to pretend that they've got something going on.

Yeah, and that's their idea of fun then. Yeah, because I love bubbles, but not bubbles without the fun. The bubbles add to the fun. The bubbles make the fun better, but the bubbles aren't the fun. It's such a good comparison, that escalator thing, because even when you know the escalator's not working. Yeah, your brain can't handle it. Your brain can't handle it.

And it's the same with sparkling water, you think, but even though you know it's sparkling water. Yeah, your brain can't handle it. There's a moment where you just go, something's not right here. I feel like I'm kind of, you know, bit of a, the matrix is revealing itself. But the escalator thing is not even a visual thing because I still get it and I'm not seeing the escalator.

It's a, it's a psychology thing. You know, I have the same thing with, you know, still water in a can. I still haven't got around that. My brain hasn't evolved yet to handle the fact that still water comes out of a can. And so that for me still, there's a moment of where something isn't right. Yeah, we've got a long way to go there because, like, it's pretty important that we have water in cans

for the planet and whatnot. But is it, because, is it? Great question from Chris. Is it, James? You've said that because you've heard it somewhere. You've said that because somebody said it to you. That's why I'm saying for you. You've regurgitated it like a piece of wisdom.

You can't put the lid back on the can. That's not your idea. You've got two choices with the water in the can. You either finish the can or you leave, you have your three swigs and you leave a can't take it with you. You don't trust a can in a bag. You've got a laptop in a bag or you've got your stuff.

You don't trust the can. No. You trust a bottle. You don't trust the can. But bear in mind every time I have a can of water, I take two sips and then throw the rest of it at a bird. Oh, I didn't know you did that. Yeah, well, you're the one who thinks it's good for the environment

because someone else said it to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, are you talking, I don't know, your vernacular here? Are you talking, like, kind of tweety-tweety? Or just some woman walking down the straight talk? No, I'm not going, I chuck it up. I chuck it at a bird. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that wouldn't be bad for the environment, just sort of like... Just your career. Yeah, that'd be it. That'd be I'm hosting this podcast on my own. Bonito would have to develop a personality pretty quick and get in that chair. How's Benito taking the flack here? You just sat there.

I'm the one who's just been accused of throwing cans at women, and suddenly Benito's taking it in the neck they're not having a personality. Oh, I don't think so. The guns have aimed at everyone. Mexican standoff. I think Benito's just been told that there's a career opportunity there for him

and he knows what he needs to do if he wants to take the most of it. Chris, I've got to say, have you just met Benito for the first time today? Yes. Yeah, it would be his absolute nightmare to have to be on the podcast. Sometimes his voice is in the edit

because he can't get rid of it and he hates those days. He hates it. I imagine that when those days happen, thinks in the edit, can I get someone to, like, re-record that line? So it's someone else saying it.

It's a funny name as well, in it? Benito, yeah. Yeah, it sounds like what, like Benito sounds like some, you know, like a version of a taco or something. Yeah. You're in,

are like, do you want a taco or do you want to, what's the other one you get, a fajita? Or do you want a Benito? Yeah, yeah. It's like a cross between the two. It sounds like something that James would have down his pants.

Oh, I don't need to do any work today. Chris's got this. It was absolutely roasting me for chucking all the food down my pad. What was in the breakfast wrap? Well, I made a mistake of ordering extra sausage. So two sausages. Bacon, scrambled egg, that was the killer, actually. Because the scrambled egg then waters down all the sauce.

And the sauce is like a hot sauce, like a ceraturi tomato sauce. Sounds nice. Yeah, it was nice, but you have a lot of liquid in there. Do you want to shout out the place? I don't think he's done anything I don't think they'd appreciate it although the man was very nice who gave me my food

so that was nice that was a nice start to the day and then I stupidly decided to eat it while walking which I don't know why I did that madness let's just have a moment there oh yeah

yeah this is no idea I knew it I knew this was going to happen Chris I've given him the responsibility as you saw before we started the podcast I gave the responsibility that he's got to do the shouting and I've said that means

you've got to know when to do it. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And during this whole bit, I was like, he's forgotten. Yeah. Yeah, no, I didn't forget. I was just enjoying the chat. That's the problem. Because I enjoyed just a nice chat, Chris.

What shout is you got to do? I've got to shout Poppottoms or Bread in a bit. But the idea is I surprised the guest, but it's not going to surprise you now. So the least surprise. I wasn't listening. Yeah. All right.

Talk about something else for a say. Chris. Yes, man. You said... Popenums or bread, Chris McCorsland and Popidums or bread. Were you surprised? Oh, do you know what? Foof.

That's what I can say to that. Popper tombs or bread. Where am I? Who offers Popper Tomas or Bread? Ed? Why did you do that? Ed? Oh, yeah, good point.

Yeah. What kind of restaurant? In what kind of restaurant is that an option? Yeah. It's the dream restaurant, Chris. You know, over 300 episodes. It's the sort of thing you'd get at the start of a meal. So, you know, obviously if you're in an Indian restaurant,

they'd bring Popatoms at the beginning. If you, you know, many other restaurants bring bread. You know, there's other things as well if you want to hack it a little bit. But if you had the choice between Popatoms or bread, which would you go for? Do you know what? I mean, it depends. Like, bread's a funny one, isn't it? Like, we've kind of conditioned ourselves to think the bread dipped in vinegar is cultured. It's like, it feels like something you'd eat if you're in prison.

Yeah. Oh, God, do you know what all we've got left is bread and vinegar? What was the car? Have you ever tried dipping the bread in the vine? Well, it's better than just the bread or the vinegar separately on their own. Yeah, it's like the vinegar decontaminates the bread or something, isn't it? It's probably one of the greatest successes in marketing, in the history of marketing, that they've managed to make bread and vinegar with a bit of oil,

like something that we become excited out and feel cultured about. What kind did you do that made you go in prison for the bread and the vinegar? Throwing cans of birds. Straight in the slammer. Yeah, no, I mean, I love bread, but is bread dipped in a bit of oil and vinegar as good as people make out? I think we pretend it's better than it is, to be honest.

Popper domes, they stress me out. I can't handle the logistics of the sharing of the sources, especially because, you know, I don't have the optical ability to kind of interact with the sharing from the other people. I kind of hog one. The mango chutney, I like. And then you get an onion-y one,

which it is, you know, a bit too oniony. There's a hot one and then the yoghitty one. Don't like the yoghitty one. Sometimes I get the yoghitty one, and I think I've got the mango one, because somebody's taking the mango one, and I put the yoghitty one where the mango one was and I have a spooned it on.

I don't know what it is until I get it in my mouth. Who are you hanging out with, who's having dinner with you and swapping the mango one with the yogurt one? Well, they're not swapping it. It's just that they'll have the yogutty one. And then they'll go, oh, a fancy bit of mango one. So they pick the mango one up.

Then there's a, because they take up too much space as well, don't it? Then there's a space, so they put the yoghty one where the mango one was. I picked that up thinking it's the mango one. I'm spoofing it on, mouthful of the yogurt. When I'm expecting mango. Yeah. And again, you know, the world's a bit funny then, in it? Because you're expecting one thing and you get another.

Yeah. So I find it quite stressful. I mean, the Poplar doms, they're so minimalistic in their, you know, solidity. aren't they really it's such a thin line between popadoms and and what you call them do you call them dips or accompaniments or whatever condiments it's such a thin line between popadoms and them and just spooning the substance into your mouth isn't it it's like there's there's so little between you might as well just go just passes that in a spoon and i'll just eat mango chutney yeah and every so often i'll have a bite of popadom i mean why don't people People do that, actually.

That'd be a lot less hassle, wouldn't it? You'd need a spoon each, I think. Spoon a mango chutney. Stick the Popper Dom in your mouth. Have a bite of that. It's all in there. It would have been in there anyway. And then have that.

You could say that about all food, though, couldn't you, Chris? Why are we having it all prepared as meals? Why don't we just eat each individual ingredient and all mixes up in our stomach? Well, I'll tell you what. Why do people spend so much effort balancing toothpaste on the toothbrush just to put it in your mouth? Squirt it in your mouth.

What's the point? that. Balancing it. Everybody does it. Yeah, I'm going to balance this on because it needs to ride the toothbrush into my mouth. Squirt it in your mouth and then just

brush your teeth. It's all in there. Yeah. So do you put a line of toothpaste across your teeth? No, I just squirt it in. Just squirt it in. Yeah.

But like I do that because it's a pain in the arse for me to try and balance the toothpaste. Like I'll balance. I went to a period of my life when I was losing my side trying to balance the toothpaste on the toothbrush

and I get the toothbrush to my mouth. I didn't realize there was no toothpaste on it, right? So I just realized, well, I just squirt the toothpaste in my mouth, but now I do that. I don't know, why does not everybody do that? Why do you all go through the palava of putting it on the toothbrush? And it's the same with popadums.

You know when, you know when someone says something that you know you're going to think about every day? Yeah. So now every time I brush my teeth, I'm going to think of you, Chris McCorsland. I just realized that my electric toothbrush died this morning and then I forgot to put it on charge. Oh, no.

So now I'm going to get home and I'm going to have to wait before maybe to brush my teeth. You're going to have to go manual? I mean, do you brush your teeth as soon as you get in? No, but like... Well, then put it on charge? Yeah, but I'm not...

But I know I'm not going to remember until I actually come to brush my teeth. Yeah, but he's also going to use it as clean as trousers. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's why it will look the way it does. Yeah. So in answer to your question,

I'll take the popodoms and dips, but if I can get rid of the two I don't want and if I can have my own and if I can just spoon the mango chutting into my mouth and then just have a bite of popcorn to go with it that makes it easier. I'll do that. Absolutely. Brilliant, perfect. Dream starter, Chris.

Do you know what? I love antipasty. Is it anti-pastity or anti-pastity? Did I say that right? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, anti-pasty. I'm looking at it because... Well, it depends what you're going to say you want, Chris, because if you say antipasty and then you start describing spaghetti,

I've got to know what you said. I said it out loud, and then I was like, is it anti-pasta? No, anti-pastity is right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the starter. I love an arrangement of foods that I can just put in my mouth. And again, again, do you know what? I mean, completely coincidentally, we've followed on here with a theme, haven't we? Yeah.

But I like the idea of just putting separate things in your mouth in different combinations. Yeah. And, you know, I kind of make my own little version of it at home in a way in that, you know, I'll, and I like standing up while I eat it as well. You know, I'll just stand in the kitchen and I'll have some meat and some cheese and some tomatoes and some maybe sunride tomatoes, some olives. And I'll just sit there and I'll stand there and I'll just munch. Yeah. And so the meats, a little bit of cheese, a mozzarella, some dried tomatoes, some different meats. I don't even know, I don't even need to know the meats.

I just need to know that there's different meats. And like, oh, that one's different to that one. I don't need to know where they came from, how long they've been aged, what part of the animal they're from, or what animal it is, it's just different meats. Now, the only one I'm going to pick you up on there is, you don't need to know what animal is. well no I mean what I mean is I can probably tell when I eat it but like I don't need to know when it's on the way up to my mouth you know I'm happy with like you know just give me some different meats and I'll figure it out as I'm going I'll play a little game

that's good we always like to add a game element don't be don't be giving me animals that don't belong on it yeah sure but like a little bit of beef some ham you know different types of ham there's different names for that isn't there I don't need to know them just I was going to list something and I was like he doesn't want to know that just give me them and and those those you know I've just

slagged off the bread as a starter yeah but those lovely soft long bread sticks that you get that that's where they belong get them on there because you can you can wrap some meat around the end put a bit of sundried tomato with it have a bite of that you've kind of got a ham

bread sticks and dried tomato thing going on and then next time get a bit of mozzarella put that on with a bit of olive and then you've got like a completely different thing you're basically cooking at this point oh cooking in my mouth

I would say balancing isn't oh yeah you're balancing you're balancing here again I am but I'm holding it on with my fingers yeah my fingers they just get out of the way at the last minute my fingers

but antipasty yeah but I want antipasty for four right I mean because if I'm If I'm in a restaurant, sometimes I've ordered the anti-pasty for two

because the anti-pasty for one is just not good enough. So I've ordered the antipasti for two just for myself. And I've eaten it all. So this is a dream restaurant. So I'm having the anti-pastity. I'm having the anti-pastity for four. Don't know how to do it. Give me two antipasti's for two.

Put them on a bigger plate. Well, we can do it, absolutely. We'll do it for four. But we'll do it for four. Like, it would traditionally be in a restaurant that amount. But here at the dream restaurant, we'll call it antipasti for one. But no.

No? No, because then I feel like it undermines what I'm getting. I want to know I'm getting it for four. Yeah. Yeah. Would you like to know, like, would you like to, like, have three people in mind who aren't getting it? Do I want to eat my antipasty for four in front of three people who are salivating?

Yeah. And who do you want those three people to be? No, look, let them have their own antipastic for four. So, yeah, yeah, they can have their own thing. It's not, this isn't a gluttonous thing of, oh, look what I've got and you've got nothing. Yeah. It's not that kind of thing. It's just, I like a bit of antipasty.

And if it's for four, that's all the better. I completely agree with that this is a perfect starter for me. Yeah. The arrangement of hams, just like, yeah, you want all of those hams. Oh, just like kind of slightly overlapping, fanned out, almost like pick a card. Pick a meat. Pick a meat, any meat. Don't show me where it is.

Put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth. Was it the pastrami? It was the pastraming. And mozzarella, sun-dried tomatoes, olives, that sort of stuff. Sundried tomatoes. It's another one of those kind of weird foods, isn't it, that they've managed to sell to us. But it works.

It adds a bit of sweetness. I don't know how many. When you have sun-dried tomatoes now, I don't think they could really have been dried by the sun. No, no. There's a process, isn't there? There's a, I mean, there's sun-dried tomatoes, and then there's some blush tomatoes where they just, they've lost it. They've just been impatient. they've gone.

Just get them out. Get them out. Let's get the next lot in. Legally, we have to expose them to the sun briefly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not dried enough. They don't call them something different. How long have they been around for,

sun dried tomatoes? Because someone's showing me some stag. As long as the sun, I think. Yeah. What? Well, I would actually say, I think the sun was around first. So as long as the tomato.

Yeah, as long as the tomato. Yeah, they would have to have been around unless the tomato came before the sun, which I don't think it did. God said, let there be light and tomatoes. And they're very quickly after he said let them be tomatoes and then sundried tomatoes and that begat sun dried tomatoes

I've got to read the Bible again I loved the authenticity of begat there that was a nice little use of language People are going to bring bagat back I think Yeah Yeah well sometimes people order a bagat When we Well you had a breakfast baguette

Oh God damn it Oh god damn breakfast begat Breakfast begat Dream main course, Chris. Dream main course, we didn't talk about... Did you want to know who all want there? What? Did you want to know who were want there at the dinner?

Oh yeah, yeah, sorry. I thought you did it want to... Yeah, yeah, who are the three other people you're going to eat? But they're also... They also get an antipathy. Oh, I don't want to give them an antipati. I want them to have to watch Chris eat an antipati for four. Yeah.

It's weird. Who do people pick on this usually? Like, do they pick, like... Sometimes they're friends and families, sometimes from celebrities I'd like to meet. sometimes they say that we can be there but I don't want that although you know James James would take some of the heat off

any spillages I have yeah absolutely yeah it's weird like because I'd imagine people on this a lot kind of pick people who like their dream kind of dinner guests they go oh do you know what like imagine having dinner with Jimmy Hendricks or like do you really want to have your dinner with Jimmy Enric

I mean does Jimmy Hendricks want to have his dinner with you that's the thing is there any point in picking somebody that's going to be mifter they're there. Yeah. It would be livid, wouldn't it? Yeah, he wouldn't want to have dinner with me.

He'd ruin the whole thing. Would you not want Eddie Vedder there? Again, again. Chris loves pole jam. I don't really love pole jam. Fisted pole jam on Celebrity Mastermind. Oh, great. I just think, yeah, I think sometimes these people

would have a little bit of pressure to dinner that you don't need. You always feel like you've got a kind of, you can't, I can't enjoy the antipasty in the way that I want to enjoy it. Do I only shoving random foods into my mouth in front of Eddie Vedder? from Belgium. I'm not sure. Do you know what? I'd love to have,

I'd love to have, I'd love to have me dinner if I can enter a fictional world. I'd love to have me dinner in an episode of Frasier. I'd love to be there with Frasier Crane and Niles and Daphne and Martin,

like the original Frasier. I'd love to be in there. I'd love to be, I could be like a less annoying version of Daphne's Northern family. Sure. From the later series, yeah? and just to be in there

and to be part of the farce and the pretense and the yeah and I think my favourite thing on that I loved Frasier was my favourite

sitcom I loved it when Niles was going out with Daphne and she was taking them to a concert and he said I might dress appropriately for something called

banana rammer I love that this man is going to be in an episode of Frasier yeah we know what the side dish is going to be I am

there you go so I'd love it So I'd love to have my dinner. Yeah, I'd love to be in an episode of, they'd do a good antipasty. Yeah, Niles and... Oh, yeah. They would put that together beautifully.

Oh, yeah. But they'd tell you what all the meats are. They'd love to take you through what all the means are. They would. You know, I'd put up with it for that. Yeah. Yeah, they're allowed to do it. Okay, main course.

My wife's Brazilian. and I must admit that the Brazilian offerings of food are absolutely solid. They are. You know what I mean? Brazil, solid offerings. Yeah. They love steak.

You know, I love that cheese bread. You know, it's like good like Panda Kehoe or something where it looks like a, bread roll, and then you tear it open, and there's more cheese than bread in there. Yeah. Absolutely amazing. Yeah, they've got a lot of the baked goods are nailed in Brazil. A lot of kind of pastels, which are like, you know, egg and chicken and in like a pastry kind of suet thing.

And chicken and cheese, fried sandwiches, it's phenomenal. But like, so they do pecania, which is steak. And it's steak cooked on. I think they cook it on like an open flame, but it's just salted. It's really salted, just salty steak, and then they'll carve it thin into small pieces. There's only one thing better. I love a meal. You might have figured out that.

I don't have to use a knife, right? So you get the steak kind of in bite-sized pieces. You can just eat it. Comes with black beans, garlic and onions in. They've got this thing called forofa, which I always take the piece. out of because it's like sand it's like some of these empty their flip-flop on your plate it you know it's like a pile of sand i think they make it with flour it looks like a grain but it mops up the um the black bean sauce and the garlic and and just kind of gets involved with

the other foods and and i'll have some chips with that some chips and um yeah steak black beans for offer uh it's it's good the for offer thing is wild because i i've been to brazil and i had idea what it was but you're right it sort of it soaks up whatever moisture's left right and then you've just got a completely flavored flavored sand but it's almost like clumping cat litter is uh yeah but it works it does well it works it's delicious you wouldn't eat it on its own no yeah it'd just be like a little cup of sand yeah um but when you've got a bit of juice going on you've got a bit of meat juice and you've got a bit of black bean juice um it all lends itself and everything on that plate can be eaten with a fork.

You can just kind of stab and shovel and get involved and get a, like, there's loads of garlic in the, in the black beans and, yeah, it's good. Do you like the Brazilian barbecue places where they bring around the skewers and just cut it off for you?

Yeah, I love it, yeah. And they just keep going. And you have your little traffic light on your table and they completely ignore it. Yeah. You know, green means meat. Red means come over and check if I want some meat.

Yeah, sir, I just noticed your fingers I'm ready. Oh, go on then, go on then. Yeah, I wouldn't have been to one of those places once, but that's exactly the experience. And also, they told me about the system really strictly beforehand as if I wasn't going to be able to do it. Yeah. And then they didn't do it.

Yeah. I went to one in Philadelphia called Fogger de Chow, which I think is a chain. That's the one I went to. Is it? Yeah, but in L.A. Oh. And I went absolutely wild, obviously.

I ate so much meat and the salad bar as well is basically like you can just go and get huge chunks of Parmesan so I did that and I was only staying in Philadelphia for one night

and went back to the hotel room and did the worst farts I've ever done all night to the extent the next morning I checked out and I felt guilty I was like they're going to have to burn the whole hotel

this is the worst it was in the curtains by the end oh man you have to my mother-in-law does this thing whenever she Whenever she

wants to get rid of an odor in the kitchen in the kitchen in the bathroom she lights a match and waves it around as if she's just burning the fart

I think that works in his bedroom that night It would have been like a terrorist It would have been like a terrorist But does it work because it does what like she claims it does in that it burns the aroma

in the air? Or does it work because the room just now smells a burnt match? That one, yeah. Yeah, it's definitely just because it smells, but you just put a stronger smell in. Yeah, yeah. How often have you been to Brazil? A few times. Yeah, not as often as my mother-in-law lived over there, but she also came over when we had our daughter

and she lived over here for ages. For all of its good points with the food, it's bloody odd, isn't it? Oh, God. It's so hot. Yeah.

I remember when the first time I went, my wife was like big in it up and she was going, oh, the food, you're going to love the food. You're going to love... She was big in it up. Our country. Yeah. No, but this...

She knows his feelings on top of the street. She goes, oh, the food, the steak, the blah, blah, blah. And she goes, the beer, the cold beer. Oh, they love a cold beer. Brazilians know a good beer. They love a cold beer. And I turned up, do you know what it was? Skull!

Skull everywhere. They sell it in the shops. They sell it on the beach. They have guys walking up and down the beach with bags of skull. I said to a skull is like literally, like the only place you can buy is QuickSave in 1992. But yeah, so they love a cold skull. But yeah, it's anything, any cop beer is good, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so hot. I had this thing with it where, like, we were, you couldn't walk on the sand. It was so hot the sand that you couldn't, it burned your feet trying to walk across to find where you were going to go to, like, pitch up on the sand. And I said to her, why can't I just wear me socks?

And she said, I'm not taking out with socks on the beach. I said, well, why can't I just, like, it makes no sense. Because we're walking on the beach, it's too hot. Then we're putting the towel down, and we're standing on the towel, and we're letting our feet regain a little bit of normality before getting off the towel and walking, then we're putting the towel down.

I said, if we put socks on, it's like we've got towels on our feet. We've just got towels. On our feet. We can just walk and then take the... She said, no, I'm not being seen with socks on the beach. I said, well, there you go. You're putting completely kind of aesthetic qualities of practicality.

It's the fun of a turn-home for your wife. Yeah. Feet towels. I'm waiting till you hear my ideas about toothpaste. Yeah. Do you know what, though? If there was no such thing as socks, yeah. And then somebody, like, somebody said, like, I've invented something.

You just put it on your feet, and then you can walk on the beach. It's called feet towel. They would sell like hotcakes Oh my God, feet towels have changed the world My life is now completely different With feet towels With feet towels It's a shame really that socks got in there

Sox got in there, they've ruined it People can't view them differently I guess you could bring out feet towels And just make sure they're made of the exact same material as a towel It could be your point This could be your Dragon's Den moment What do you reckon Stephen Bartler would say to

I'm stood up there in front of him. I'm saying, he's saying, how high up the leg do they come? I'm like, well, they just need to be training a size because it's only the soul of the food that he's protecting Stephen. They are made of regular touling material. And I reckon they'll sell like hot cakes in a very small.

I think you're going to change that phrase because you're meant to be cooling your feet down. Maybe something like cold cakes. They'll smell like cold sandwiches. Yeah, yeah. In a very small number of countries. Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, you might lose Bartlett

on a very small number of countries. Yeah, yeah. Your dream Christmas dinner. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Chris. Merry Christmas. Ho, ho.

Cream. Dream Christmas dinner. If your dream Christmas dinner is just some cream. A bowl of cream, please. I laugh like a cat. Do you know what? Like I had, I remember going back here I had this Christmas dinner that I, so this must be like in 2008, 2008, 2009, somewhere around there.

And I'd cooked it, right? And we had friends coming over, and one of them was an Italian chef. And so I'd really, really planned this Christmas dinner, yeah? And, like, you know, there's a lot of things going on. I'd researched what I need to do to make everything good. I didn't want to be showing up, yeah? And I'd, like, worked out the times. I kind of half-cooked some things and then put them on the side.

I can put them on, have everything done at the right time. I had the times all worked out four different times going at once for things. And it couldn't have been gone better. And then he turned up and he rolled a spliff. And he said, have some of this. And I just, I, in the space of two minutes, I forgot everything that was on the oven. Literally. There was like, honestly, you can imagine that there's the,

chaos in my mind of like I couldn't even see what was on the oven I couldn't even remind me myself visually I lost track of all the times I lost track of what I was cooking I just ended the whole thing was so farcical to me that I thought it was all ruined I thought that's it the dinner's gone and then he stepped in and he saved the dinner because he's an Italian chef but but the combination of having this dinner that I was half responsible for that I thought I'd lost, that suddenly somebody else stepped in and saved and probably made better than what I would have made it. And combined with the fact that I now had the munchies. I absolutely love that sliding doors moment and you've got everything prepared and then

an Italian chef comes over and says, do you want some of this? And it's just, it's yes or no, and the day is so different based on which question. Oh, God. I couldn't have even told you what vegetables I was cooking. Oh, it's just, no. It's just, I had no idea of anything that I didn't even know, I didn't know where to begin. Yes. Oh, God. Yeah. So that was a, that was a good Christmas dinner for a lot of reasons.

Oh, wow. Was that, like, the traditional Christmas dinner? Was it like turkey and all the tracts? So I don't, I don't really go for the turkey. I don't, I can't cook a turkey. I'll have a, you know what? Like, just for the traditions sake, if I'm out somewhere that's doing Christmas dinners, I'll have a turkey, a turkey dinner like once a year.

Just to say I've done it. Cranberry, I don't, keep your cranberry sauce. Do you know what? I don't get it. I don't understand why it's like one kind of mad person did it 200 years ago. You know what, I'm going to put jam on a dinner. Like just some absolute loon. What's what we got?

Well, we've only got five things left. We've got some turkey. We got some jam. Let's have turkey and jam. It was probably like a member of the aristocracy or something or someone in the royal family. So everyone had to agree with it and eat it at the same. And then all of a sudden, it's like a thing that we have to do.

It's just, if you have a Christmas dinner sandwich, oh, it's, it's just like somebody's combined a meat sandwich with a jam sandwich. You like jam, no, you like pole jam? Which I just remembered what pearl jam means. Yeah, it's all down your trap. There's just no way of you editing that out now, is there? It's been such a key part of the thread of the podcast. It's a runner.

Yeah. I, you know, get rid of that. I think Christmas dinner is as much about enjoying the leftovers as it is about the dinner itself. And on that regard, yeah, just a ham, ham, lovely ham. Ham for your, because ham's great cold, ham's great hot, ham's great cold,

ham's great sliced thin, fat chunks in a sandwich on its own, used as a vehicle for something else, almost like it's like a meaty popadom you can just ah so ham lots of ham Christmas ham

Christmas ham so like a lovely gammon basically like a big slices of gammon yeah yeah and yeah and then it's good then it's good then in any form over the next few days isn't it yeah

love a ham the stuffing's good again with the apple sauce I'm not as anti apple sauce as I'm cranberry but I still wouldn't put it on my dinner Yeah. Like, just give it to yourself.

It's not as harsh and as jam-like as cranberry, but still, it's not for me. I do kind of agree with you on the sweet sauces. I would do it out of tradition. But how do you feel about bread sauce? Yeah, it's a bit savoury, isn't it? I mean, you have it with the turkey, don't you? You don't have it with ham. You could have it with ham.

Could you have it with ham? I'd have bread sauce with ham. I'd pop horseradish with ham. I'd pop mustard with ham, Chris. I bought mustard with ham, Chris. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's weird, isn't it? Because, like, I've only ever had mint sauce with lamb.

Only with a mint sauce would go with other things. It's never been, it's never been an available option for me to just. Work in a kitchen and we make a, like, an onion salad with mint sauce and just have to mix it all together. And it was actually really nice. But send that out. And that was with other dishes that weren't just lamb. I can't actually remember what it was with now,

but, like, it was quite a popular item on the main. I'd go mint jelly over mint sauce anyway. I love mint jelly. I didn't know that about you. I remember when I was a kid, used to have gone about years. I remember having a side, like a little spooned out

kind of combination on a salad of celery, beetroot and apple, like chunks of apple. And that was good. Like apple added a bit of sweetness in that form to some of that's savory was good. Yeah.

But I think the sauces just get a bit sickly, don't they? They sort of take everything over. Yeah, they take over, yeah. Now, I'm happy with the gravy, to be honest. Gravy, parsnips, carrots, get a bit of broccoli. I know broccoli's not traditional, but it absorbs gravy. It's so good.

I also like to pretend I'm a giant when I eat broccoli. And, like, I pulled up trees from the road. And then I like, go, ah, and I eat it. Like, I honestly do the noise, like, I'm kind of, I don't know, like, giants can't eat anything without going, like, before they put it in the mouth. They probably just eat like us, don't they? Just bigger. I just imagine your Brazilian wife sat there now. That's why she doesn't take me out.

That's why she doesn't take me out. I'm at the restaurant. Grom. Yeah. Talk about his feet tail. Featout. Yeah. Roast potatoes, parsnips.

Do you know what? like parsnips for me there seems to be a trend of trying to make the parsnip the full length of the parsnip, you know? Interesting, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And it's quite lethal for a blind man

having a sharpened parsnip on a fork because you don't know, first of all, often you don't know what you got on your fork. Yeah, yeah. Also, even if you do know what to parsnip, you don't know where you've skewered the parsnip, you don't know how much of the spike

you, I've had them on my nose and everything. So, you know, You go to kind of get one in your mouth and it kind of hits you with it up the nose in the eye, quite a lethal vegetable, especially if it's well roasted, quite sharp on the end. Yeah,

and we've got to stick to the tradition with parsnips, which is you get the fat end and then the spiked end, right, two separate parsnips. Yeah, I'd shorten them. Yeah. You short them even more. Yeah. The thing for me, when that happens,

it's often the short end, the flat end looks like a roast potato. So I think I'm, it's like you with the Popadom dips, I think I'm getting a rose potato and then it turns out it's a parsnip. I'm not happy with that. I don't like that. No, is there, do they look the same?

Oh, you just, well, okay, yeah. Chris, I'll offer a counter argument and say they don't look the same. They don't. I wouldn't imagine they look the same. No. They look the same. They're identical, Chris. They're not identical, mate. I think you're cutting your potatoes too small.

Yeah, you cut your potatoes too small and cutting the ends off weirdly. yeah Chris is the one who's in the right here and Chris is blind yeah Chris is telling you they don't look the same and he's correct

it's a low point for me of the podcast they don't look the same and your trousers look fine do you know what like the amount of times as well I tell you this is the worst this is the worst

is when you're having your dinner like not being able to say it's like Russian roulette you don't know what you got to you got it the number of times I've thought I'm biting into a juicy quarter of tomato and it's a whole piece of lemon

oh and yeah but I mean that is the opposite of fizzy water that is the fizzy water you think you're getting something and you're getting nothing yeah that you think you're getting a little bit of something

you're getting everything getting too much too much Your dream side dish, Chris. Now, is that just the chips that you chose? Yeah, I think there was chips with the picania, right? But if you have a different side dish, you'd like to pick. Yeah.

I mean, this is really sad. But when I was in uni, I used to love a pot noodle sandwich. It is sad. Yeah. A piece of white bread. with a beef and tomato pot noodle spoon it onto the white bread don't even butter it

just fold it over just a pot noodle fold over and that was a hearty meal for a starving students and I'd never dream of making one now you know at the distinguished age that I am but this is a fantasy dream

restaurant isn't it where what goes on in the fantasy dream restaurant stays in the fantasy dream restaurant yeah um so um yeah i think i'd like a one single white bread pot noodle fold over i also remember do you know what like i was so kind of um unworldly with my foods like the first time i ever had pizza was um when i was a student at uni i'd never eaten pizza it just wasn't a thing that was like i mean it was a thing but there was like there just wasn't we didn't go out for we didn't go to pizza restaurants when i was younger

going to a restaurant just wasn't a thing that we did really do you know what i mean and i And I also didn't like cheese when I was younger. And I didn't know that melted cheese tasted so much differently to blocks of cheese. And I made of mine and uni said, you want a piece of this, Peter? It was a 99 piece Sainsbury's kind of thin smear of cheese on a burnt bread base. And with like eight pieces of pepperoni on it. And I said, no.

And he went to your short, it's good, you know. And I had a piece. And it was the greatest culinary revelation of my life. is that single piece and I'm glad I started with a 99 pence pizza because I've had to gone straight in dominoes I probably wouldn't be here to tell the tale

it would have been too much for me so that moment was one of the greatest kind of shifts in my eating was the realization that melted cheese and pizza was incredible and I still had a world of pizza to enjoy from that moment

I started at the bottom it's the best place to start now we're here But you know what, if I could recreate that moment of that first piece of pizza back then, just give me that as a little side. Oh, yeah, nice. So we're dispensing with the pot noodles. I think I want to give Chris both because I like both. The pot noodle foldover.

I think we're just like doing like Chris's uni years. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, university years. University platter. As the side dish. Because I don't think we'll ever have a pot noodle foldover again on the podcast. Yeah, yeah. I think we've got to grab this with both.

Very much sounds like an invention that Chris has come up with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Add it to towel socks or whatever. Yeah. Feet towels. Yeah, Trem, copyright, 2025. I don't know how Bartlett is going to respond to the pot noodle fold over. I can't see him going in on this.

Well, if he's out, if he's out for the feet towels, imagine Dragon's Den. He's out for the feet towels. Chris doesn't get investment leaves. The next person in is Chris clearly just wearing a hat. holding a soggy. Right, hear me out. That's you. I know that's you.

I'll tell you what, as well, back in the day, like going back to like, I don't know, late 90s or something like that, you go into a festival. You went to the Reading Festival or something like that in the late 90s. They would have a pot noodle stand, an official pot noodle stand. Wow. And it was a giant pot noodle. And you'd go into the pot noodle to order a pot noodle. And I would go in to get a pot noodle. Just because the thrill of being in a pot noodle

was so much fun that you're like, the idea of being in the pot noodle was better than the pot noodle. So it almost feel like you were going on a ride. Yeah. Do you want your dream meal to be in a pot noodle? A massive pot noodle? A Christmas you won.

Yeah. Well, yeah, if it fits the format. Yeah. Let's not forget that this will have be a big pot noodle restaurant in the middle of an episode of Frazier. Yeah. That would love it.

Giant pot noodle size of these Seattle Space Needle. But honestly, so the whole, it just looked, like, because I could see back then, so for the people at home, it just looked like a huge pot noodle. Yeah. But the front of it was cut out like a little doorway and you'd walk in the pottingle.

And you'd come out, the big pot noodle with a little pot, with a little pot needle. And even just now, The thought of it's making me giddy with like It's just a thrilling thing to do Where else do you get to go in the big thing And come up with a little version of the big thing Yeah, that's a good point

Yeah There's not enough of that in life Eiffel Tower maybe Yeah, well okay That's a commemorative thing in it Like yeah but But not an actual fit It's not working

Yeah I know what you mean Outside of landmarks Yeah Yeah The big pot doodle is probably the idea example of that I mean if you got to like

If you had a burger shop make it a big burger and then the amount of people that would go in the big burger to come up with a little burger yeah oh your burger sales

will go through the roof yeah yeah literally your dream drink I don't think my dream drink I don't think my dream drink exists

okay perfect so I love there's getting ready to hear this the third time you've been in here today

here we go because again I love I love a and I always get confused, I always got confused between ginger ale and ginger beer, right? Yeah. And now I came up with a way of remembering it. And it is that, um, ginger beer, cheer. Ginger ale, fail.

Right. Perfect. And, um, and, and that's because ginger ale, I think, is like a bit too lemonadey. Mm-hmm. Um, and ginger beer is the gingery bum with a bit of a kick. Yes. Um, no, I don't like it sweet. I like it.

you know, dry and gingery, but whenever I have a ginger beer, I always think, I wish this was more gingery. Yeah. So I want the most gingery ginger beer. Like, so, like, I want it hot. I want it to burn the back of me throat. I want it to be, I wanted to, I want it to come with some pain. Like, you would get with a chili. Like, you get, the only people enjoy hot foods and hot sauces and, and, and there's a certain level of kind of pain that comes with the enjoyment. there's a physical reaction there's a sensation to it I want a ginger beer

that kicks my ass yeah yeah yeah we can do that for you I'll use my genie powers and make it most gingery fiery ginger ginger beer what's the

what's the ginger beer that's commercially available that you think gets closest to that I look I mean I like a fentanyman's because the fentiman's comes in a decent sized bottle sometimes if you order a ginger beer

you get like a tiny little miniature that they'd use the top of a like a short. And the Fentermans comes in a decent size bottle, like 200 milliliters or something. And it's not too sweet. It's quite, it tastes quite dry. So that's kind of the go-to

if you're out and about, but like, it could do, like, I'd love like an ultra version. Yeah. Extreme. Fentemans extreme. Yeah. I really want a ginger beer now. Yeah. I've sold it well, haven't I? Yeah, you really. And imagine going in a massive ginger beer

to get a smaller ginger beer. Well, it's going to happen for the dream restaurant. Yeah, I can make sure. We can make sure that every course, you're doing a giant one of them. Yeah. When you're eating. Yeah. That would be good.

Yeah, except I don't know how you do a big popadom. It'd just be like a gazebo, wouldn't it, where the top was the popadom? It would have to be, yeah. Otherwise, it would just be a door, wouldn't it? You'd just walk through and you're out. Yeah, it was a smash right through it. Yeah. I think if you had a gazebo as well where the top was a popadom,

you get sick of having to point it out to people. people, wouldn't you? Yeah. Because, like, massive part noodle looks like a big part noodle where you'd have to say to people, do you like me gazebo?

And they go, yeah, it's nice and then you have to go the tops of Popadom. Oh, is it? Yeah, I never noticed that. Yeah. Yeah, it is, oh, I can, now you've pointed out, I can see it.

We know that all too well. We had, we did a live show with this podcast. We had a set behind us with a massive giant Popadom. And everyone just thought it was the moon. Yeah.

Just looking like the moon. Every guest was like, oh, it's the moon. But it's not the movie Popperdom from the show. Come on, from the show. Yeah. No.

Ginger beer always makes me think of the famous five. They would always have ginger beer, lachens and lachshunds and lachshunds. Do you think you'd be a good addition to the famous five, Chris? Do I... You were solving crimes with four kids and a dog? Do you know what? Yeah, I think it's of a time, isn't it? Yeah.

Do they solve crimes? I like the words. They court criminals and stuff. I like the words they use. You know, there's always those words, isn't he? The good food words that she used in those books. Like, she'd mixed the words up, wouldn't she? Like, delumptious and screlicious and things like that.

So, yeah, it's innocent times, isn't it? Yeah, I'd imagine being in the gang that sells crimes. They didn't solve proper crimes, did they? Yeah, there'd be, like, drug dealers in a lighthouse or something. They didn't do drug dealers in a lighthouse, did they? Oh, yeah, yeah. I thought they stayed clear of murder, and did they do murders? Yeah, five finder, shipload of Kett.

We arrived at your dream dessert, Chris. Yeah. Do you have one? What are we in a giant one of now? Oh, God, this meal's dragging, in it? Yeah, no. When we can see the exact moment our guest runs out of energy. Yeah.

So I love, or I did love, I probably wouldn't love them now but like I did I love a school dessert and when I was in school I loved school desserts and I also remember the joy of a pink custard day or a chocolate custard day and they're probably so sweet

for my 48 year old palate now but like if I could eat those desserts with the palate of a child and just the amount of custard the like what winds me up is when you go somewhere and you order a pudding that should be in a bowl and it comes on a plate. And they, you know, you get like, oh, I'll have the treacle sponge and custard.

And you get a block of little block of sponge on a plate with a drizzle of custard on it. And you want to send it back and go, where is this an acceptable vehicle for treacle spund and custard? I want it swimming in it. I want a bowl. I want a bowl that facilitates the custard being higher than the sponge. I want to be surprised when I see sponge in there. You know, I want it to be a bowl of custard. And I want to excavate the sponge, like I'm an archaeologist.

So good old school desserts with huge amounts of custards of various fluorescent colors with the palate of a child. So we're going with a treacle sponge? Is that the one that you would have? Love a treacle sponge, yeah, a good old spotted dick, even like a Bakewell, bakewell tar with custard. Love all them. Holy was, I love Jamrallie Polly at a big time. With a good old, I mean, a pink custard. I mean, did that still exist?

Do people still have pink custard? I don't think so. I've not come across pink custard for a while. When you did Strictly, did you have to change your diet at all? When I did, so when I did Strictly, which I talk about in my book, Keep Laughing, which is out for Christmas, makes a, there, my PR guys out there, they'd be like, oh God. They left ages ago, Chris.

Yeah, thank God he's brought it back to the book. I could eat what I wanted. Like, literally, it was insane. Like, we'd be training eight hours a day. I would have a, I would have a burger for like a Tuesday dinner time. Who's having a burger for a Tuesday dinner time at the age of 48? And then I'd go, I'll have a burger again on the Wednesday or, it just didn't matter. I was eating chocolate like it was Christmas and then it was Christmas.

And so the calories didn't matter. I ate what I wanted. and I still lost weight. It was insane. But, you know, to counterbalance that, I was also held together with physiotape. Yeah. Yeah, it was physically kind of slowly ripped me apart

over four months. People that go, do you feel healthier? I literally feel like I've been in a car crash. Yeah. Like, my ass is literally sell a tape to me back. Like, with actual pieces of tape. They've taken tape, they've attached it to my cheeks, and they've stretched that up to my shoulders.

And they've gone, this will hold you in the form of a human for another week. You just say to your wife, that's a Brazilian butt lift. Really? Yeah, so I could eat what I wanted. It was good. But then you've really got to rein it in when it finishes because you don't carry on dancing,

and that's the one thing you can't carry on eating like that. Otherwise, it all goes wrong, doesn't it? Yeah. It was great. It was great to watch it every single week. Every time where you're like, I can't believe I'm still in it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I honestly thought, I said no to it a few times because I didn't think it was possible.

I thought, like, I'm all for diversity. I'm like, we should have more diversity, more representation across mainstream program. Do you want to do strictly? Are you insane? Are you literally insane? Come on. In what world do you think this is even possible? And I didn't know what it was they were asking me to do because I couldn't, you can't describe it.

Describe it as well, it was dancing, but how good. good how technical how fast what are the dances to the only work i i was able to figure out what it was they wanted me to do was by doing it so it was so the unknown most terrifying thing i've ever done in my life and you know top 10 scariest things have ever done in me life at 10 episodes are strictly hands down it was it was that that feeling of eight million people watching at home and you're in the studio while that vt plays and you're just waiting for this moment of reckoning and then it comes in the studio and they go dancing or whatever Chris, and honestly, the nerves, I've never felt anything like it.

And you just have to flick those switches in your head and just try and belt through it, you know. But it is terrifying, which is why as soon as that dance was over, if I felt like I'd done a good job and we'd put the hours and we'd done all right, I went straight into comedy modes because that was my safety day. Yeah, that was like, I've just blagged me well. I've just blagged myself as a dancer for the last two minutes. Yeah, now let's take the piss out of Greg. and have a laugh

and do something that I know I can do and it worked people kind of people liked it but the thing is that I mean the thing I'm proud of

with it is that for none of the weeks throughout the whole 13 weeks were me and Diane ever kept in above somebody that got more points than us every week

the person that went out had less points than us but from the judges so we always held our own even though it connected with the audience at home and they liked what we were doing

and we had people supporting us and stuff. We always held our own up until the final and then in the final over three dances, we were only four points off a maximum. So I couldn't be proud of what we did, you know. It was remarkable. And even when we got to February, two months after, I'd look back and I'd just, when you're out of that bubble

for just two months, I'd look back and I go, how the fuck did we do? It just felt. it felt it felt insane that that was even something that happened so um yeah but it's um it's all in the book yeah look at you now on the giant pot noodle yeah yeah she did a dance in a giant pot noodle chris yeah yeah i suggested a lot of the music that you you do you dance as well you you're allowed to kind of it's a it's a it's a three-way kind of conversation between strictly in you and diane and you or your dancer and i don't i you know i i you know i

my input on some dances and some ideas but I'd say most of the things I suggested in the show was shut down quite early on. A lot of my musical... I mean, me and you, Edshare, a lot of musical tastes, yeah. A lot of my musical tastes were, like, I'd play Diane something that I thought had a really

good beat and a really good rhythm and she'd say, you just can't dance to this. There's nothing in it at all, even remotely resumed. I'm not, listen to that bassline, die. And examples of the ones that got away? um you know i did play some pearl jam i play so i was told that like what the couple's choice you can do something that kind of means something to you and also the the pasadoblet i was told

it's kind of the one that you could do something heavier to i i went through a whole morning of playing um playing diane sepeltura and solfi songs which is um Brazilian thrash metal yeah it's the trash slash groove metal and and and kind of arguing with it in disbelief that she was saying there was no rhythm to them. What? It's pure rhythm. It's pure rhythm.

Too much rhythm, I would say. I would say it's the cranberry source of the musical world. But too much. Dancing to vooddy, bloody vood. It's Christmas, yeah,

but I see her point. And I realise doing strictly as well that it's as much about the song as it is about the dancing. Like, people will only like a dance if they like the song. That's interesting. And I think

the song really, unless it's a Pasadoblo, which is like traditional kind of, it works well with the traditional music. I think it needs to have words to the song. It needs to be, they work better than like a score or I remember, I remember Shane who I was on with, did one of his dances.

I can't remember which one it was. But he did it to whatever that tune is, that's the theme tune for Alton's Howells. Yeah. Fall of the Mountain King? I can't remember how it goes. It gets faster and faster. Yeah, it's the Fantasia thing as well, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did it to that, and I was listening to it, because I'd do that every week. I'd be up there, like, there'd be an amazing dance gets done, and I'd say to die, God, the band's amazing, aren't they? But he did it to that, and it sounded amazing, but I was just thinking, I don't think people are going to like the song

compared to, you know, the other choices on that week. So I think that's important on it, you know. Yeah, I really wish I'd be able to see you dance to a soul, like something. Would you do it? No, never. I wouldn't hold up, Chris. I'll be out week one

from stress. I'll be pleading down the ban of the camera for them to vote me off. Please no one vote for me. I can't take this anymore. Also, costume would have an absolute nightmare with him

when he just gets an egg on it every single week. Please stop me at breakfast wrap just before you go on. I can't help it. Let me to make you back to you now, Chris. Oh yeah, let's have this.

Okay. Still water. Absolutely. Pop it on. This is spoons of condiments straight into your mouth. Start an antipasty

for four. Beef, different types of ham, breadsticks, sun dried tomatoes, mozzarella, olives. Main course. Green. Let's get rid of the black ones.

Let's just go with the big green ones. Just the big green ones. Main course. Picania, Brazilian salted steak, cooked on an open flame with black beans, garlic,

froffer and chips. Christmas dinner, you would like a Christmas ham. You love ham. Stuff in roast potatoes. and parsnips. Side dish, beef and... Did that make it clear

how much I like ham? You didn't really say ham enough. No, not enough. Side dish, beef and tomato, pot noodle sandwich, a fold-over on white bread, and a bite of your first pizza when you were at university. Yeah, life-changing.

Life-changing. Drink the most fiery, gingery ginger-beer that we can make for you. And a school dessert, huge amounts of various custards with the palate of a child. Well, can I just say, It sounds like the palate of a child is the thing that's been eaten there.

Can I just... I don't want a bowl of custard on the palate of a child. Just if anyone's tuned in at the end, I don't know why they would, but maybe they go bored and just skip to the end to see how it finishes.

Yeah, maybe people do that sometimes with our episodes. Especially when they hear the menu at the end. I'll hear the menu to know if I'm going to like this episode. Oh my God, he's eating the palette of a child. Oh my, what the hell? This is a nice guy from Strictly.

A little bit more content. to it than that. Yes. Yeah, what a lovely Christmassy way to end it. Chris,

thank you so much for coming to to the dream restaurant. Thanks for having me. Thank you, Chris. Ham. Well, there we are, James. What a lovely start

to our Christmas specials. Well, I mean, a crazy journey there. Loved it. We're in giant pot noodles, wearing towels on our feet. Frazier.

Frazier was there. That was the most normal part. Yeah, that was the most normal part. more part but lovely to see chris uh lovely to chat to him always funny get his book keep laughing on audio as well you can get it on audio i'd say buy it in uh in hard cover yeah and buy it in audio yeah um makes a lovely christmas gift maybe get one for yourself and one for your loved one wait to the paperback comes out get that yeah complete for the completest you go for the completest um and also chris did not say christingle no he didn't say that you're glad about because i was enjoying the chat

I would have been surprised if you said Chris Stengel, given what his food choices were. Yeah. I don't think he'll really like an orange with, like, Donny mixtures and raisins stuck in it in clothes. Yeah, and clothes. We've had clothes already as a secret ingredient. Disgusting. Yes. Next week, there's another Christmas episode.

Yes, there is. Of course. And, you know, let's just say, similar vibe. That's the clue. That's the clue. It's a good clue. Why it's a good clue is it's not true. so it'll really throw people off the scent

okay well you know we'll see see what people think if I'm right or you're right yes okay this is available tomorrow on YouTube if you're listening to this on the day it came out otherwise pop on YouTube it's probably there anyway had a few messages from people saying that Benito's winning that they're listening to the episode on audio

and then watching it on YouTube Benito's oh that's because of us that's because we're doing his bidding for him and saying that it's on YouTube I love to do his bidding which is stop promoting in it? Just stop promoting the YouTube.

I love to do Benito's bidding. I hate doing his bidding. It's the worst part of my life. I'm going to do his bidding all the time. Well, Merry Christmas, James. Merry Christmas to all of you. We'll be back next week with another Christmas episode. But for now, bye-bye, jingle bells.

Bye-bye, jingle bells.