Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 10: Lou Sanders

Episode Date: February 6, 2019

Hugely talented comedian Lou Sanders chooses her dream meal this week. Well, she struggles to choose. Can she take some of the heat off Joel Dommett?Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive Productions.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography) and Amy Browne (illustrations)Lou Sanders’s acclaimed show ‘Shame Pig’ plays London’s Soho Theatre, 25-28 Feb, and she’s on tour from 24 Feb till 5 June. Check her website for details. And check out Lou’s podcast ‘Why Is Your Bottom So Dirty?’ on Apple Podcasts, Acast, Spotify and all the others.Ed Gamble is on tour. See his website for full details.James Acaster is on tour. See his website for full details.James’s TV show ‘Hypothetical’ is on Dave, Wednesdays, 10pm.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Hello, and welcome to the Off Menu podcast, the podcast that is food. Talking about food, talking to people about their favorite food. My name is James A. Castor. With me is Ed Gamble. Hello. I was trying to come up with a sort of tagline for the podcast, and all I came out with was the podcast that is food. That's good.

The podcast that's so delicious, you could eat it. The podcast that is food is good. Right. Okay. Yum, yum, yum, yum. Welcome to the podcast. No? Not happy with that? No. I don't like that one. Yum, yum, yum. Welcome to the podcast. Well, I like it, so I'm going to say it. Yum, yum, yum. Welcome to the podcast. And we're recording in a new location today, James. Yeah, we've got my flat, and I don't have any furniture yet, so it is a little bit echo-y, so apologies.

Apologize for that. Apologize for that. Apologize for that. Please, Ed. Okay, well, I'm sorry James hasn't bought any furniture yet. Thank you. Well, it's a nice flat though. You've done well for yourself. Thank you so much. I'm so happy here.

The way you said that didn't make it sound like you were happy. I am happy. You're my first guest, so it feels real special to be able to show people around the flat, but yeah, I really need some furniture. Do you need some furniture, because otherwise it won't... I've got it ordered, but it just takes a while to arrive. Yeah. How long's the sofa's taken? I ordered them a month ago, another two weeks, it's going to be until I get the sofas. That seems a long time for a sofa. Do they have to build it, I guess?

Apparently. Well, I don't know what it is that means it takes so long, but be warned. If you are ever ordering a sofa, it takes a lot longer than you think, and people don't tell you that. And they don't think ahead, they don't think, well, he might be recording a podcast, so it's going to sound a bit echoey. No, it's going to sound a bit echoey in there. They don't think about that. And then you're left with an echoey podcast, especially when your guest is Comedian extraordinaire, Lou Sanders.

A little gap though, wasn't there? I was thinking about any other caveats, any other things. She's a wonderful Comedian. She's been on TV. She does brilliant shows. Her show this year at the Edinburgh Festival is one of the funniest shows that I saw, I think. Such a funny show. Yeah. So funny. She's just so funny. And we had her on to tell us what her best starter, main

course, dessert, side dish, and drink are. We did. And I would say she lived up to all my expectations in terms of what she picked. Yeah. The most, I mean, I don't want to spoil anything, but it's probably all together the most odd meal we've had. It's the most chaotic thing since Brexit. Well, hopefully this podcast comes out while Brexit is still chaotic, because they might have sorted it out.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, that was also some satire, because I never saw that bloody mess out. Very good. Save it for Mott the Week, lads. That's a secret ingredient. And if Lou picks it, she is off the podcast. She's going to kick her out the restaurant. And what is it this week? Poppy seeds. Poppy seeds.

I hate poppy seeds in a cake. They get stuck in your teeth. I hate it. They're not a flavour. They don't add anything to a cake. I hate lemon and poppy seed cake. And they go, would you like this lemon poppy seed cake? No, I'd like a lemon cake. I completely agree. All it does is makes it weirdly crunchy for some bites. Yeah. And then it just gets in your teeth. You look like a mad man.

Yeah. It's not like it looks any nicer. Here's Lou. Oh, here we are with Lou Sanders. You sound very elated about it. I am. I'm elated. Oh, welcome to the restaurant, Lou. Thank you. Hello. Hello.

Welcome to me. Now, before we started recording, James, very rudely, asked you if you knew what this was or whether you prepared anything. It's an audio recording for entertainment purposes based around the food medium. There we go. It's food and medium. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's based around the food medium.

I think so. I like food. OK, so shoot me dead. I do. I do. How long have you liked food for? Since I came out, my mum was poop-poll. Since you came out, your mum's poop-poll?

OK, you've liked food since you've come out, your mum's poop-poll. Yeah. It looks like we shouldn't be talking about that. You know. You know when... The other week, I went back from football and I had this vegan snack in that shop in Crystal Palace Shop in Crystal Palace Station. Crystal Palace Shop?

Crystal Palace Shop? Yeah, we all know Crystal Palace Shop. It's inside the palace, isn't it? I'm thinking trains. I'm thinking shops. I'm thinking put them together. Train station shop. Thank you.

And I ate this thing. It was supposed to be vegan. And then I was like, I can taste meat. I can definitely taste meat. And I could taste the flesh in my... The flesh of meat. And then I said, I think they've got confused and mixed up. And she said, oh, maybe they got switched around.

The most evil trick in the world. And then I was sick in the bin. But when I'm sick in that way, that I really think about that something gross. And then I'm sick. Once my family was telling me a rimming story, I was sick in the street. Anyway. Hang on. You were sick in the street.

Yeah, I was sick in the street. And this lovely Japanese man just kept it off of me, tissues. And I was... But the thing is, he's so unnaded. So you've heard a story about rimming? Yeah. No, but it was really gross. The details are really gross.

And this brings us onto your starter. No. That's my starter. That's my favorite starter. No, but it was really gross. And then I go, like that. So that's what I was doing in the bin of this cafe. It's only a small cafe and everyone's looking at me.

And I thought, what's their fault for mixing up the produce? Anyway, it turns out I was vegan in the end. Happy story. Why could you feel flesh on your... You were biting your own cheek. It tasted... No, it tasted real meaty. And it was like...

I was like, it tastes like meaty. Was it jackfruit? Oh, no, but that... I mean, that's very Alamo, doesn't it? That means fashionable in French. Doesn't it? Alamo, off the fashion. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How do you say fashionable in French? How do you say fashionable in French when you've got a... Oolala. Oolala. In America, it means with ice cream. Alamo. Oh, yeah. That's true.

Is it true? But hang on, America, you say. I would say with ice cream. Little Miss Sunshine is what I'm thinking of. I've seen a Little Miss Sunshine where she orders the ice cream. Alamo. So, look, you love food. Yeah.

You love food. You were once sick when you thought you were eating something that wasn't vegan. Yes. And you hate rhyming. These are all things you know. I don't hate rhyming. Okay. I just...

Make that very clear to the listeners. I just think this... She's not signing off on it. I'm not saying yes or no, but I'm just saying there was a way about it. And this story was the way... Who told you the story? Amy Hogger. Big shout out.

You should eat the... Big shout out to Amy Hogger. She lives in New York now. Yeah. Boop, boop, boop. Rimming away. Rimming the statue. Oh, she was...

She wasn't the perpetrator. Okay. Or the roommate. She just had to balance it. The victim, you were about to say, weren't you? Yeah, but I don't mean that. Hey, everyone's free to do what they want and you dine out wherever you choose. But it was just the...

There was details, okay? Sure, sure, sure. After a shower, yes, anything goes. But then probably has to have another shower, right? Wow. When? Otherwise, it's just a constant cycle of... I mean, at some point, you would always need another shower

and that's my boost for life. But you have not chosen to dine out at the Butthole this evening. You have chosen to dine out at our dream restaurant. Wow. Oh, James is a genie as well. You need to know that. That's cute. James is the waiter and he is a genie, so he'll be taking your order.

Any meal you want, any dish you want, because I'm a genie and a waiter. And I tell you what, Lou, normally you have to do a lot more explanation, but I knew that this episode you would just take that on board immediately and be like, yeah, of course he's a genie and a waiter, which I appreciate. And also, this is really good for me because when I go to a restaurant, usually, everyone makes fun of me if you're trying to make it... Trying to make the menu my own. Trying to make it better in a way.

Trying to upgrade it. And then, like I went for breakfast with my nephews the other day, I got so much stick, they were like, just because I was asking about vegan options, which in 2018, I don't think is unreasonable. I don't have a problem with asking about vegan options, Lou, but I've been for many meals with you and you definitely, you are a menu alterer.

You will say, can I have this, but with all of the elements changed. I'm a fucking original, any problem? You're a pain in the arse at a restaurant. How old are your nephews? 11 and 12. Yeah, they're not putting up with that, are they? But also, they're little pigs. I don't know, they don't know nothing.

I thought you did a tweet once, complaining that they snitched on you when you swear. I don't know what to do. But also, they don't know nothing. If they were left to their own devices, they'd have a litre of coca day. What do they know about fine cuisine? Headlines we need to cover, you're vegan. Yeah. I'm damn sexy.

Yeah. It comes across in your voice. Now, here's something we haven't ironed out. Jeannie Waiter, slash James O'Caster. Hello. Can Lou order non-vegan things in the fantasy restaurant and they don't harm any animals? Please say yes.

So, for the taste? Yeah, I can say yes, yeah. I'm having prawns, I'm having prawns. But my own meat, because meat does make me feel gross, but I would have prawns and clams, because clams haven't even got a face when you think about it and I just have. Do you know what I mean?

Get into them. That's the issue, is it? Like, prawns I love, but I don't want the remnants of... I don't want their little legs. Actually, I've gone off them now. The more I'm vegan, the more I go off the... The little legs and eyes and that. I think some people love the sort of love being like,

you know, they love the blood and stuff, because it makes them feel powerful. No, no, no. No. Just tastes good. No, you love it. I've seen you get prawns and bite the legs off and throw the rest away.

That's what I'll do. Prawn legs, please. Still a spout from water. I'll have still water, please. Why? Out of the two. Why is that your choice? I don't like the bubblies.

I don't like the bubblies. And I... You want a song about that, have you? I don't know why. No one's asked me that before, and I don't think I've got an answer. You've never thought about why you don't like bubbles in your water. Why fill up on bubbles when you can fill up on food?

I do agree with that. Is that how bubbles work? You fill up on bubbles? I'm not a doctor, but yes. I am a doctor. Oh, I didn't know that about you. I'm a doctor of love. I put my hand up for that one.

You did put your hand up, didn't you? I'm a doctor of bubbles. Let's move on. So you finally have still water. We'll get that for you. No ice. No ice, loads of lemons. No ice, loads of lemons.

Next. Pop it up with some bread, mate! Pop it up with some bread! OK. What kind of bread is it? You can't say pop it up with some bread just like that. Any budget one? Then I want warm bread,

and I want it doughy. No one's ever specified doughy bread before. No one's ever said, can I choose the type of bread and then gone, I'd like it warm and doughy. That's a type. I thought you were going to say tiger bread.

I love tiger bread. I love tiger bread so much. I'm going to actually think about it. I want tiger bread or some rolls or some rolls that have got little bits in them but they're savoury. It's amazing. So you demanded to know the type of bread

and then you don't really seem to know the different types of bread, do you? I thought he was surprised. But he could come with a menu of bread and then I'd be like, yes, I never thought about that. Olive bread, that's another one. If I saw that on the menu, I'd say yes. Get me the one with bread.

You want warm, tiger bread or you want warm bread with olives and sun-dried tomatoes? But it's like tiger bread at the same time. And I want butter, but no cows have been harmed. No tigers have been harmed even when we were making the tiger bread. Thank you. And we can bring in the cow and tiger

and they'll be able to tell you that everything's fine with them. Can I have a ride around on them? Yeah, of course you can. In between courses. What you'd not like to ride on a cow or a tiger? Sounds cruel. Well, not in the fancy restaurant because they're happy with it and we're friends.

They're loving it. Especially the tiger. Last time he got ridden around was he can't remember. People are scared of him. He just wants to connect. No, this is the tiger from the tiger who came to tea. Yeah. That's such a shit book. I was really disappointed with it.

It's a bit of a scary book actually. Sorry to hear you got your hopes up with that. Yeah, you're really looking forward to that, weren't you? Cue down side, like it was Harry Potter. What starter would you like? If I can have anything, I'm having Maul's maranet. No, what's Maul's maranet? No, I want the one in the white wine cream sauce.

Maul's maranet? Maul's maranet. So, hold on. Did you have this in a specific place? Did I? Because I can get it for you from anywhere. The best place you've had. Oh, Val d'Azur!

No, did you pluck that just from the ether? I've been to Val d'Azur, babe, a few times. Have you had Maul's in Val d'Azur? Yes, of course. Explain what Maul's is. Maul's maranet. Yeah, what's Maul's maranet? Oh, okay, you want some mussels.

Mussels in white wine and... He doesn't know he's French, does he? No, he's very much turned into a leg of gentlemen character. You want mussels in... You'd name them as mussels, Oolala. Yeah. Favorite dish, actually. Oolala mussels. But, you know, mussels,

when they come in the tin part, they've got the creamy white wine sauce. The creamy sauce. They're just, like, bobbing around in there, soaking all the sauce. If they're closed, because that's when you poop, don't eat them when they're closed. Really? Is that the rule?

If you're cooking mussels, if one's closed when they've not been cooked, you should throw it away, because they should open. Okay. When they're alive, they should be open, and then you knock them on the side and then they close up. Right.

And then if you cook them and they don't open, that's a lovely message. And if you're not, the other person will poop. Yeah, that's true. Do you mean you get food poisoning? I don't mean you just generally poop. Otherwise, that would be quite helpful. I love pooping.

Yeah, who doesn't like a poop? Where did you say Val-des-air? Have you been there? Yes, I've been at snowboarding, of course. Are you a cool snowboarder? Yeah, I'm really cool. I didn't know that. I've had mulls.

I've had mulls marinated in a few places, I imagine. How long have you been vegan? Hang on. If I had a bigger vegan one, though, I would go with, and this might be a dish I'm making up, but broccoli souffle, vegan broccoli souffle. Something like this.

It's cheeky, but it's good for you. Put them together. Oh, you're not making this up. This isn't something you've had before. For a dream meal, you just think, I don't like a vegan souffle, but on your mind, it's mainly egg white, right? Ah, no, I've not made a souffle.

That's how you make it fluffy. Yeah, but you can have egg substitutes, because there's sort of an Instagram the other day. Make a souffle with those, so it rises and stuff. You're really making me mad now. You said I could have anything I wanted. Yes, absolutely, I can.

Suddenly all the laws are coming out. I can have ethical mulls marinated in a counter, but suddenly the broccoli souffle there's a limit on it. You could make it. I could probably make it. Yeah? So what do you want to start? Do you want mulls marinated?

Both, both, both, both. I don't think you can have both. Oh, wait, then I'll have the broccoli souffle. So you've changed your mind from something that you've had in the past and you like, to something that you think would be nice but you've never had? Out with the old and with the new.

I just find it amazing that you've created a dish but if you're using your imagination, why are you putting broccoli in it? Because I like healthy food mixed with... So my favourite thing is loads of veg but mixed with like cheese and cream, vegan cheese and cream, you can do that.

So you think I'll get my five a day but I'm having fun in the meantime. That's my dream. You cooked me a vegan pizza once. I thought this might... It was a deconstructed vegan pizza, wasn't it? Yeah. Can I just say that I then went on

I didn't stop there. A lot of people. A lot of people, they would have stopped. But the listener, Lewis laughing because the vegan pizza was shit. It was bad. It was like... I quite like the taste of it like separately

or a bit separately. The topping was nice. The topping was nice but the topping was just stuff, wasn't it? Excuse me. I'm a victim of my own ambition because I tried to make the base as well. Yeah, sure, sure. But anyway, then I made pizza again for Jen, Jenny Bede.

She's not called Jen. She doesn't like it called Jen. Big shout out to Jenny Bede, of course. Very good friends to take me home. Anyway, she said it was the best vegan pizza she's ever had. And she's famously never had a vegan pizza, right? No, she hasn't.

I've got a picture of her enjoying it. I was going to send it to you and I forgot. You asked Jenny Bede off the record. She'll tell you she had a wonderful time with that pizza. What was on it? Similar stuff but I just made it better. OK, OK. I believe you.

So we're going broccoli souffle. And what's the broccoli souffle you've got? Broccoli. For some vegan stuff that makes a souffle. I now imagine some seasoning. I hate to be the boring food one on this. I think you could almost replace egg white with aquafarba, couldn't you,

in vegan cooking. That's true. The chickpea water. Why are you slapping your cheeks? I thought it was... I forgot the word. Aftershave. No, I wasn't suggesting switching egg white for aftershave in a broccoli souffle.

That's why I paid for pizza. I had a cake made with aquafarba. Did you? I did. It was nice. I got to go on the vegan episode of Extra Slice. No big deal. I tried a lot of vegan cakes. They were delicious.

They were really nice. There's loads of vegan ice creams. I'm so excited about them. I made a shop the other day. Well done. Thank you. In a train station. Telling yourself the wrong sandwich isn't that? I've got all the different types.

I'm happy to report that vegan cornetto is the best ice cream. The chocolate and mint chocolate one. Right. And that's the truth. That's the cookie one. That's also good. And the Bougé one. Steve Bougé ice cream is very good as well.

Steve Bougé ice cream. Main course. Now, have you heard of Thai food? You know what? Where's it come from? Thailand. You said Thailand. I didn't say Thailand.

I said Thailand. Thailand doesn't sound right. Thailand. I don't know. I just had my kitchen Thailand. Thailand sounds like a Thai shop. Well, forget that. Oh, what?

The introduction was have you heard of Thai food? Where's it come from? Thailand. So pretend Thailand never existed. Okay, it's the toss up between Thailand and Thai food. And that will be red green curry. Obviously, brown rice obviously.

Because white rice is the devil's work. And soon everyone will realise that they're better. Why is white rice the devil's work? Oh, I heard these lush like... They were real... So they spoke like, oh yeah, like geysers. Is this the rice you're talking about? No, two men.

A young man talking about... But they were talking like, yeah, fucking, you know, you think, oh, then maybe they were a bit edgy or dangerous. And they were talking about nutrition. And how about white rice is really bad for you. And I absolutely loved it. I sat behind them on the train and I thought, you good boys.

Well, I prefer brown rice anyway. The taste of it is nicer. I've always been in Japan and ate a lot of white rice. And I didn't have a proper shift for two and a half weeks. Ah. It's like cement. It's tummy cement. It's not good for you.

I would think that the Japanese would be leading on this. But they're very... But Japanese food is... There's a lot of sushi and there's a lot of rice. I don't think that's unfair to say that. I don't think that's unfair. But we're to forget that. You're not talking about Thai food. Because I've changed my mind.

So you were going to have... Their Thai curry is what you were going to have. I don't think that's... It doesn't scream special occasion. No, it doesn't. But it doesn't need to scream. It just seems to be whatever you want. Other ideas are a roast, a vegan roast, with all the trimmings.

Well, a vegan roast is just trimmings, isn't it? Yeah, but that's the thing I like the most. You just want all the... every single trimmings. I think I like the... I think the trimmings is what I like the most. Oh, I just realised that. Wow, what a day for me. What a big day for me.

There wouldn't be a central, like, a nut roast or some sort of... I think the Yorkshire puddings are the central event and I don't know why no one's talking about it. I think everyone's talking about Yorkshire puddings. People like Yorkshire puddings, but no one would say they're the main thing. That's where they're wrong. Because that's the yummiest bit.

You've got to make your case for this. What are you eating first when you eat your Yorkshire pudds every damn day? No, I've got savings, like, you don't want to just, like, because they are delicious. Save them, because they're the best bits. I don't like Yorkshire puddings. Here we go. Sorry, everyone.

Are you mad? No, I'm perfectly sane. I just don't enjoy Yorkshire puddings. Also, can I just say, if you are mad or have got mental health issues and... No, this is coming out. It's not my sort of podcast, Lou. Everything is these days. I don't know if he ever's awoke.

Or... I like bits of stuff, so I don't want to be... I don't want to be weighed down by one meal. So I want a tapas. But I want the tapas to be of my choosing. Global tapas, baby. Global. So your main course is foods from all over the world?

Global tapas. Tapas, but everywhere. You've got to stop saying global tapas. Yeah. I don't think I can. Especially now you've told it not to. So hang on, we've gone through Thai food to vegan roast to global tapas.

But what's the first thing you've got in common? They can sit in the global tapas. So two of the little dishes in your global tapas are the red Thai curry and the vegan roast. Yes. You could put the red Thai curry in a Yorkshire pudding. How about that? No, thank you.

Why not? That sounds nice. I won't mix the tapas. There's a pub in my dad's that does the pub meals or you just get a giant Yorkshire pudding and they fill it full of stuff. Is he if you know your dad? You can get curry in that.

You could get the chicken tikka in the New Forest. That's lovely actually. You get a giant Yorkshire pudding. They do one with chilli con carne and they do one with... That's a New Forest. Hampshire. I would like to go to this place, what's it called?

It's called the trusty servant. The trusty servant. That is a very, I mean... Road trip to the trusty servant. Sure, absolutely. It's a big insight into Ed's family there. I eat at the trusty servant. Oh, yes.

I get the subtext there. Give us an example. If we give you five little dishes that you can have from across the globe for your main course, that will allow that. Okay, go. No, you need to pick them.

We're going to lead out a load of different things from all over the body. You choose five of them. This is your choice. We'll read out every dish from the world. Okay, go. We'll start with it, eh? Your face was so serious when you said,

okay, go. You're really composing yourself. And you're like, okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do this. I didn't want to fuck you. I didn't want to fuck you. I was really ready. Okay.

Okay, so you've got your Thai dish. Yeah? Oh, so that's on the top. That's on the top. Yeah, with the brown rice. It's all in one little dish. Okay, we'll let you have that. I might start with that.

Then you've got your roast with the trimmings. Hold on. So what's that? It's a little dish. It's a little dish it's got. So what's your roast with the trimmings in that little dish? Oh, it's Yorkshire pudding.

Yorkshire pudding. But it's as big as one Yorkshire pudding this dish. Vegan Yorkshire pudding. Okay, and it's got stuff inside it. So what's inside the Yorkshire pudding? How do you make vegan Yorkshire pudding? Oh, they've done it before. They'll do it again.

Okay. Stuffing. Stuffing? Yeah. Stuffing inside the Yorkshire pudding. Stuffing inside the Yorkshire pudding. Don't check your phone when I'm going in for a dream dinner.

Sorry. My sister texts me about a flap check. Carry on. You're always on, James. Yeah. Broccoli. It's made in appearance again and I can't help that.

Okay. But it's good for you. Or maybe spinach. Spinach in a roast. Well, throw out some of my ideas then. Oh, parsnips. I'm on the spot here. Roast parsnips.

Roast potatoes. Carrots. Roast potatoes. Little ones. And some mash. And then some gravy. And then we're done. Okay.

So two times a potato in a Yorkshire pudding. Stuffing and gravy. Okay. Yeah. So stuffing, mash potato, roast potato, in a Yorkshire pudding covered in gravy. Yeah. And that's on your global tapas menu.

No, this is two. I've got three more. Yeah. But that's on your global tapas menu. We're just checking that one of them is just a little dish of carbs. Yeah. A really weird dish of carbs.

What a good representative of Britain on the global tapas scene. That sounds fucking lovely actually. Okay. Yeah. When I was younger, I mean, I did not have much taste, but I used to have smash, you know,

smash the instant. The powdered mash potato. Gravy. But I mean, you know, I was very poor and I was also mad. Hello, it's James and Ed here. We're just briefly interrupting ourselves and Lou to let you know about Lou's fantastic show

that she's doing. Very bad at promoting herself. She really should have done it on the podcast, but it's up to us to interrupt ourselves to come and tell you about her show, Game Pig. Shane Pig at the Soho Theatre, February 25th to the 28th.

And you're on tour, right? She's doing a tour, starts on February 24th. London dates 25th to 28th, Soho Theatre. Nationwide tour starts on February 24th. It's a brilliant show. I have seen it three times. Whoa! And it was fantastic each time.

That's the podcast. Number three. Yeah. I don't want to mess this up. I'm really thinking hard here. Yeah, sure. Okay. Once I had cauliflower,

which I hate, by the way. Okay, great. This is absolutely. I think cauliflower has got any nutritional value, because it's white, and I don't trust really foods that are white. Anyway, but it was... It's nothing to base that on.

You know in that place in Edinburgh that I saw you in once. It's vegan. What's it called? Paradise. Paradise Palms. Lucky Pig is the name of the pop-up. Lucky Pig.

Because Pig gets away, of course, very clever. So they had this cauliflower that was in a batter with a sauce. It was buffalo cauliflower. Now that could be one of my dishes. Could be. Oh, for the sake of all of us, let's make it a dish.

That's a dish. I was just thinking in the interest of time, that will be it. And then another couple of things that I decide on the day. This is the day? This is the day. Cheese, spinach and mushrooms

all put together with cream. Where's that from in the globe? My kitchen. That's from your kitchen. Your kitchen. Good that that gets a shout out. That's just over public, yeah? Yeah.

The global landmark of Lou's kitchen. We've got still got Mexico. We've still got Mexico to go. That's the only country left, isn't it? Sure. Yeah, you've missed out Mexico of all the... But that whirlwind tour of the globe, somehow missed Mexico.

Don't... Thailand to Britain, where you live, to your own kitchen. Hang on. We've missed Mexico. Scotland. We've got Scotland. There's that chicken.

There's that cauliflower that you had in Scotland. And then fake fish tacos. And then it's goodnight. It was goodnight for me. Where are the fake fish tacos from? They sound nice. Mexico. Mexican...

Have you had them? Have you eaten them anywhere? Yeah, in LA. In LA. Okay. Do you remember the name of the restaurant? Do you remember what you were feeling like when you ate them?

So confrontational. No, it wasn't actually. It was a festival in England, I remember. But via Mexico, okay. The man was probably holidayed in Mexico a little bit. Yeah, he went to Mexico a couple of times. So let's just... James, can you remember the global tapas?

The global tapas? Yeah. We've got red curry. The red Thai curry with the brown rice. Then you have a... Yorkshire pudding? A Yorkshire pudding with mashed potato, roast potatoes, some stuffing and some gravy on it.

Then you've got, I believe it was broccoli, carrots and cheese in a dish. No, no, no. Spinach, mushrooms, cheese and cream. All mixed together. Spinach, mushroom, cheese and cream all mixed together in a dish. From your kitchen. NW5. The buffalo cauliflower from the Lucky Pig.

Yeah. And the fake fish tacos that you had at a festival once. Yeah. Now you've really made a bit of a mess for yourself because you've also got to choose a side dish to go with all those tapas. Yes, spinach. Spinach and guy. Spinach.

To go on the side of the spinach, mushrooms and cheese. Two spinach dishes now. Truffle chips with parmesan shavings on. To go with the roast potatoes and mashed potatoes. Oh no, two minutes, two minutes. Three types of shavings now. Okay, then... If the only one not in a Yorkshire pudding to be fair.

And then... What other vegetables are there? I do need some veg. Oh! Do you need some veg? That orca. The orca is that good for you? A whale.

A whale? It's not vegan. Okra, okra. You've got to be very careful when you're ordering from the kitchen. Oh no, no, no, no. No, okra, yeah. Okra's good. I'll do that.

Ladies fingers, they call that. Yeah, but how do you want them? Well, however they come, the most nicest, please. Delicious. Crispy. Yep. Crispy? Do you want them crispy?

Oh no! Look, Luda's stuck her entire tongue out. And I'm like... She does all the crispy. Yes, she does all the crispy. What drink are you having before this? Oh, no, once I got really high on Japanese tea and it was really good quality because my friend's like a tea dealer and it was amazing.

You sure that was tea? No, I had some mushrooms. So you always had some mushrooms as well. She didn't really get my Japanese tea. It wasn't the tea that, Lou. I got high on the tea before the mushrooms and then we topped it off with the mushrooms. Sounds right, does it? I did, I did.

Because you can on really good tea get a bit of a buzz from it. Yeah, especially if you have it just before you have magic mushrooms. It's very high in caffeine, I think. Is it? Japanese. Is it like the thick stuff in a bowl? I don't know, but they do all the ceremony, the ritual, love all that stuff. Super high in caffeine, I think.

Oh, it was great. I had a lovely time. Did you want that? Yeah. For your drink? What flavour was it? Mushrooms. It was like a mushroom tea with a hallucinogenic drink.

No, I don't do that stuff anymore. So just normal Japanese tea, the nicest one they've got. Maybe like a green tea, like a matcha. No, specific flavour. Could be lavender and rose. Could be censure. I don't know. Could be anything you want.

Something exotic for the love of God. Okay. I don't know how low, in a restaurant where you can order anything you want, you're still a nightmare orderer. Yeah. How are you still letting the chef choose? Maybe that's your projections, yeah? Maybe that's your judgments, yeah?

Because I think I'd be an absolutely lovely guest. Because you're very specific when you're ordering stuff in actual restaurants. And as soon as you arrive where you can have anything you want, you're going, I don't know what flavour the tea is. Yeah, because you can have anything you want. So I'll just expect this stupid little genie to be saying to me, how about orange blossom or something, you know? Something I hadn't thought about before in my limited brain.

We're just letting you choose. Whatever you like, isn't it? Lavender and rose then please. Lavender and rose, love it. Lavender and rose. Love it. What a lovely choice. Japanese tea.

Actually, orange blossom. Is that an impression of a little monkey? Yeah, what was that? What was that? Oh, ah! Yeah, like disturbed. Actually, I mean... Look at the lean thing, I'm disturbed.

I'd have an orange blossom, please. Orange blossom. Okay, we get into the dessert now. But you know... No, this is very... I don't... I don't... I imagine this will be straight forward.

No, it's very straightforward, very clear cut. Okay. Yes. It's a vegan cornetto. I knew it was going to be that. Before you say it, I like... Yeah, yeah. Because she's...

You mentioned it... You say it's straightforward and stuff, but you wanted to just rebuild it earlier on in the show. I teased it. I teased it up. I teased it up. You talked about the whole thing. Yeah.

I love that. Or chocolate brownie with ice cream. Of course, multiple options every course. Well, you didn't seem happy with my first answer. I'm very happy with being one. I think that's a lovely... Thank you. Sometimes you don't want a fancy pudding, do you?

Yeah. You just want to be able to go to the freezer and grab a lovely ice cream. Yeah. Pop me on the sofa. How do you eat it? Let me watch a film. Have you got one? No.

I eat the top first and then I just work my... I'm quite sort of regular with that. Do you bite into it? Do you lick it? It depends how much I want the ice cream. Do you know what I mean? I do a few licks and then chomping bits off when I'm like... I'd always bite a cornetto, I think.

Yeah. Because it's kind of square at the top. It doesn't feel like you can sort of lick it. Yeah. That's true. And then it's got the lovely chocolate chunky bits so you can bite them off. Favorite. That is really good.

We used to do soft serve cornettos at Wixie Park where I worked there when I was 15, I guess. And yeah, we just got the soft serve cornettos, which were very short lived. And we'd have to load up a capsule into the machine and do the soft serve. And there was loads of different flavors. And because it wasn't very busy because it was the autumn, I'd just eat them all the time. Yeah. Of course it was. Of course it was.

Just put them into a bowl. Did you have like the cones with a bit of chocolate at the bottom of them? No, it was just normal cones. Right. Bit of a shame. But mix it with anything you wanted. Like what? Well, we had cart door ice cream as well.

So you were cutting cart door into a cornetto? Yeah, yeah. Having a boat together. But I'll get the Stracciaccella. What is it? I don't know. Stracciaccella? Stracciaccella?

Yeah. The only one that's like... Trying to say Thailand again. It's a white ice cream. So Lou wouldn't like it. White, but with like... Chocolate in... Yeah.

So white chocolate ice cream with dark chocolate cut into it. I'd get a scoop of that. And then smother it with some soft serve cornetto. He's always been an innovator this guy. Yeah. And they'd be eating them together. And then Sandro Chetan would keep a lookout for if the bosses would come in. Lou, can you remember what you ordered?

This is always a good test. Yeah. Take us through what you've ordered. Okay. Just double check the order. Broccoli souffle. Still water with lots of lemons, no ice. Well, a bit of ice, but not too much.

Broccoli souffle. Then you're onto the global tapas. Yeah. You've got your chappadoo stuff in. You've got your Thai. You've got your cauliflower thing. You've got your... Oh, I did it.

Well, I'm just going to transport you to where in the world the tapas comes from. Fish taco. Right. Thank you. You're flat. Did we do that one? No, it's just another one in their side. Village mushroom cheese.

And cream all mixed together. And cream all mixed together. I remember them all because I'm so good. I'm hungry for that. You've done it. Gorgeous. What are you having on the side? Okra.

Yeah. And what are you drinking? Japanese tea, orange blossom. And pudding is? Mint chocolate chip. Now, normally... So our producer, the great Benito, will write down what everyone's having as he goes along so we can remember it and read it out at the end.

I've never seen a more complicated... Yeah. Lies a bit scribbled out. She said stuff and then changed your mind. It looks like a plan to rob a bank. Yeah. I mean, it's... I'd say it's the most interesting menu we've had.

Yeah. Oh. People think they have to put up with what's there. People think, oh, this is what... Oh, I'm only as good as, you know, a cheese toastie. Sure. You're not asked for a global tapas, baby. Yeah.

I mean, what you've got to remember is, Lou, is that in this restaurant on this show, it's not like there's anything there that you get to choose whatever you like anyway. Yeah. So, I mean, you're really... If you can't dream big here, where are you going to dream big, baby? Yeah, yeah. But I find it really interesting that the only time you can pick whatever you like, you offered us quite a lot of choices.

Yeah. You didn't know what to pick. It's arrogant to think that I know that everything from the global buffet, you know, yes. I've travelled. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Look at me.

But I don't know everything. Just think about the mule again. You know, yes. I've been deviled as air. How many times? Three. So, I thought you might know more than me, but it turns out you didn't. So...

About what you like to eat? Yeah. No, no, no. We don't know as much as you, but, you know, I think that was fun. I'm very happy with that. I'd quite like to try the spinach, mushrooms and cheese and cream all mixed together. Next time you come back. Yeah, sure.

You got it. Right. Yeah, I'd try that. You made me want some buffalo cauliflower now. I'm really hungry actually. I thought there might be snacks. That's what this podcast does. Yeah, yeah.

There should be snacks here. Yeah. Next time we talk about food, but... We've not provided anything. Do you want a biscuit? No. Do you want a biscuit? Do you want a biscuit?

Last time I was here, you did provide loads of chocolate. It was absolutely lovely. Oh, yeah, yeah. You were eating that chocolate. I remember that. What sort of chocolate here? Got a Tokyo banana cake? I think I did.

Ed went to Japan and he bought back some Tokyo bananas for me. I'll be able to enjoy them. Just normal bananas, but from Tokyo. No. They're like little spongy cakes. That's cute. They're full of like a nice banana cream. Do you like bananas?

Yeah, I love bananas. Favorite fruit. Is it? Yeah. I did have a banana in Tokyo from a department store that was individually wrapped in a cellophane wrapping. Because, you know, they love a bit of fruit there as gifts. Wow.

It's nice, about three quid. That's lovely. It was a really nice ate it in a park. Yeah. Did you show up? Okay, thanks very much, Lou. Thanks for coming, Lou. It's a pleasure to serve you your food.

None of which was from a specific place and all those which you made up on the spot. Thank you very much for having me. I had a wonderful time. The first time anyone's actually just got up. She's actually leaving. She's actually leaving. She's genuinely leaving. Normally, we stop recording and then we say thank you very much and then they go.

Right. Are you still recording? Yes. Well, that was Lou with her interesting meal, James. What a mess. I think that is the only way to describe it. I think a lot of potato in there, too much potato, I would say. Most amount of potato has ever been inside one Yorkshire pudding.

And quite a sloppy meal. I didn't notice at the time, but now I'm thinking about it. Quite a sloppy meal. We've got gravy slop, creamy spinach slop, various other slops. Gravy, spinach. It was all, and also, like, they weren't from any specific places. It was just stuff off the top of her head that she'd like to eat. There wasn't any meals that had been her best meal she'd ever had.

Claims she was prepared for the podcast, but wasn't, obviously. Absolutely was not. Which is a shock because she's got her own very funny podcast, which a lot of work goes into. Why is your bottom so dirty? It's called Why Is Your Bottom So Dirty. We've both guested on it, I believe. Well, have we? Well, okay.

You play a character on it. So it's a podcast with Luke McQueen, where Luke plays a doctor. Listen to it. It's very difficult to describe, but it's very funny. If you like Lou's vibe on this, listen to the podcast. Hey, guys, thanks for listening to the podcast. If you could subscribe to it on iTunes or wherever you listen to your podcasts. If you give it a good review, five stars, please.

Five stars, obviously. Come on. Don't be horrible. Tell your friends. Tell all your friends. Then we'll be able to keep doing it. Get more people on. Talk about their meals they like.

Why not follow us on social media? At Off Menu Official is the name of the Twitter account. Follow us on there. You'll find out loads of great stuff about upcoming guests, secret treats. Extra courses. Yeah, we're just going to keep doing our thing. You just keep listening. That's how I want to end every week.

Bye-bye. Goodbye. Hello. It's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith.

I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time.

The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News.

When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.