Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 102: Rafe Spall

Episode Date: May 5, 2021

Has James spilt the ketchup? Because he’s got red on him. Actor Rafe Spall – star of ‘Hot Fuzz’, ‘Jurassic World’, ‘The Shadow Line’ and Apple TV+’s ‘Trying’ – is in the dream restaurant this week. And it’s going to be a roadblock event.Series 2 of ‘Trying’ is streaming globally on Apple TV+ on May 14. Series 1 is available now.Recorded by Ben Williams and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the most delicious podcast on the internet. Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster. But beware, don't eat the liver. It's deadly poisonous. Hello, James. Wow. I did not see that twist coming in the intro, Ed. Very scary. People who have never listened to this podcast before are now going to be quite scared. They're going to think it's a horror podcast, but it's not a horror podcast. It's not a horror podcast. Although we could, we should do a horror podcast, me and you. Yeah. I think we could do quite

a good one. Goff Menu. Goff Menu. Yeah. Not bad. Very good. I'm trying to think of things to add to it, but I don't think I can improve on that. Yeah, let's just leave it where it is. It's a perfect joke from a perfect guy. But this is not a horror podcast. It is a food podcast, James. Yeah. We invite a guest into the dream restaurant every week and we ask them their favorite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our special guest is Rafe Spall. Rafe Spall, a brilliant actor, an actor of much repute to James. He's done so much brilliant stuff. We love Rafe Spall. So do you. That's why you're listening to this podcast. It's very exciting to have

Rafe Spall on the podcast. But what food will he choose? Will he choose the secret ingredient which will mean that even though he's Rafe Spall, we will kick him out of the dream restaurant. And this week's secret ingredient is dandelion and burdock. Dandelion and burdock. What is it? What is that drink? I don't like it. No, me neither. I think I've only tasted it once maybe. Yeah. I know what a dandelion is. Still not clear on what a burdock is. Yeah. Don't think that a drink should be made out of him. No, sir. No, sir. Thank you very much. It's quite an old school drink, isn't it? It's something you might hear about like your granddad might go, Oh, I remember when I was a little boy. I've been a little short. So

I'm running over from school for the cold dandelion and burdock. Yeah. That's exactly that's very good impression of a granddad. Yeah. And you hear those stories and it doesn't make you go, I wish I was a kid when granddad was a kid. No way. That sounds horrible. It just sounds like they've gone to a field or like a garden that's overgrown and just pulled up all the weeds and all the different stuff, put it in a sieve and strained it and then shook it up a bit and gone, this is a fizzy drink. This would do. Oh, it was such a treat back in my day down at a burdock. It was the perfect little drink to have with your boiled stomach. I like this character. Yeah. What's the character called? Grand, granddad Ed. Granddad

Ed. Yeah. Granddad Ed. What do you like to eat? Granddad Ed? Well, of course, the boiled stomach's very nice. Mashed sweet boiled sweets. I love boiled sweets. I'm always sucking on a boiled sweet. My wife tried to hide them, but I found them again. They were in the VHS cases. Oh, very, very sneaky wife. Sneaky wife. So if Vase Paul says dandelion and burdock, yes, we'll kick him out, but we'll welcome in Granddad Ed to the rest. Yes, Granddad Ed will be there instead doing his dream menu. I think we all know what dessert's going to be. Yeah. But hopefully, Vase Paul will not be kicked out of the dream restaurant because hopefully he'll be trying his best, which is a coincidence because trying is the name

of his sitcom, which is on Apple TV Plus. It's the second season and it's streaming from the 14th of May. You can get the first season now. Yes, fantastic, very exciting stuff. And Ed, that was such a good link into that. Really, really, you're on your game today. You're on your feeding. I'm on formal. Let's hope that form maintains itself when we hear the off menu menu of Rave Spall. Rave Spall. Welcome, Rave Spall to the dream restaurant. Look out. Welcome, Rave Spall to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Well, I'm so pleased to be here. It's very nice to have you here, Rave. Apologies for my internet cutting out there at that inopportune moment. That's like being welcome

to a restaurant and they immediately slam the door in your face as soon as you get to the porch. Apologies. You ever been refused entry? You ever been refused entry to a restaurant or a cafe or an establishment, Rave? Yeah, this sounds apocryphal, but you know that thing where you get turned down from a nightclub because you've got trainers on and then you put your socks over your trainers? No. I've done that before. No, I've never had that thing because there used to be a thing because I came of sort of like my teens, I grew up in Southeast London in the 90s and at that time UK garage was a big thing, right? Yeah. And especially on the old road, that was the sort of the beating heart of the UK garage

scene, right? And garage, their whole thing was like sexy and stylish, right? You had to come looking nice, yeah? So a lot of the things would be like, no caps, no trainers, no attitude, right? Those would have three things about not getting into a club. And sometimes, well, one time, I didn't actually do it. So I'm using some license here. A friend of mine turned up with trainers on and probably a little bit of attitude and we were turned away and then someone said, just take your black socks off, put them over your trainers. And he did. And we sailed on in to Cookies and Cream garage night. Cookies and Cream. Wow. Cookies and Cream. Food related, immediately. Exactly. See, that story did come round.

You knew what you were doing. Were the bouncers letting that slide? Did they know the sock trick or were they just not looking properly and they saw it? They didn't blink. They just thought he had big shoes on. They just thought he had big, woolly shoes. Big, exactly, big, fluffy shoes. He thought none the wiser. He thought he'd gone home and got changed into some respectable shoes. Alas, no. It was a ruse. If someone was to make a film about the 90s UK garage scene, I mean, we already know you definitely want to be in it. I do. It's your upbringing. It's where you come from. But like, who would you want to play in that film? If you look back at the garage scene, all the big names in it, all the big players, who would you want to

play? Well, two local celebrities where I grew up were two emcees called Nicky S and Nike. Oh, yeah. And I remember once I was really, I was in this place called the Paradise Bar in Broccoli and Nicky S had just done a storming set. People were really sort of in awe of him. And he came walking towards me and he made eye contact with me and he put his fist up to fist bump me. Yeah. And I put my fist up. I thought he knows who I am. And he sailed straight past me and fist bumped him on behind me. Oh, no. I would say Nicky S gets his fist bumps ready too early in that case. That's not your fault. Exactly. That is not your fault. But the sort of UK garage voice, I don't know if you, maybe you don't, if you weren't that sort of o-fame with UK garage radio

in the 90s, it was that sort of like ladies crew, bubble in fresh. You know, that sort of like, shout out to all the ladies in the venue. It's going to be a roadblock event. It was like, no one has ever spoken like that. And I don't know why, I don't know how they settled on that voice as the voice to get people jazzed up about the garage night. Who was the first guy to do that voice? And at what point did everyone go, yeah, we're going to stick with this. We're going to stick with that. Yeah, listen, we should probably do an advert for this club night. Well, how do you even sound on an advert? Ladies, let me tell you, it's going to be a bang in night. And what does bubbling, bubbling fresh mean? Because I've heard people say that before.

Well, bubbling is dancing and fresh is real fresh dancing. Yeah. Oh, I see. Speaking of voices, I didn't know what you really sounded like, Rafe, until just now. Are you surprised? Yeah. I've seen you in a lot of films, a lot of TV. And I think I've only heard you speak like this in short of the dead. Yeah. I don't think I've heard you use this voice anywhere else. I'm literally putting it on now. This is not how I speak. I speak like that garage voice. That's how I usually talk. How was your day at school? Talking like that. Is that to your kids? Yeah. What are you thinking for dinner? Ladies. No, this is how I sound, yeah. Have you always been good at voices? Because I'm obsessed with people who are good at voices. I can't do any voices except my own.

I can't do accents. Anyone who can, I think it's amazing. And don't feel pressured, Rafe, into doing your repertoire or anything, because he always does this when we have actors on. He gets all excited. James, if someone said to you, you will die if you don't do one accent, and you could back yourself to do one, what would the one be that you would back yourself to do? Oh, God. Can you have a go at the UK garage voice? Bubble in fresh, ladies. Ladies. Bubble in fresh. That sounds more like thieves do not operate at this fairground. That was more like that. That was more like that. Yeah. It did sound like James Acaster at a garage club night. There's always a hint of Acaster in everything that you do, I think.

James, where did you grow up? Where's your accent from? Kettering, Northamptonshire, Kettering. I did a playset in Northamptonshire once, and someone tried to get to it. Kinky Boots? No, it was not Kinky Boots, alas. It was a play at the Royal Court called Alaska, but they tried to get us to do Northampton accents, and it's almost impossible, because it's so like nothing. Do you know what I mean? But it's got a bit of that, it gets towards sort of East Anglian or something weird, or like, do you know what I mean? It's quite difficult to get your head around. It's a pick and mix of everywhere else, which is why it's so mad I can't do other accents, because we take all the lazy parts of everyone else's accent,

and we do all of them in one voice, so I don't really pronounce my T-H's, I drop a lot of my G's and my T's, say AR sounds up the side of my mouth like a farmer, do all that stuff, but I can't adapt to other regions. You are like a farmer, actually. I am like a farmer. When I started out in stand-up, some comedians used to make fun of the way I said Marsbarks, I said it out the side of my mouth. Marsbarks. Ed, how's your accents? I'm not sure. They're probably fine, they're better than James's. Ed's good. Edwin Coffey. Oh, no, that's terrible. It's because my American accent is quite poor, I'd say. I can do cartoonish versions of some British accents. Go on, Ed. It is a tough one. Probably the toughest, Northeastern.

I can do that in a cartoonish way, man. Yeah, that's good. Hey, not buddy. What about Welsh? Oh, Welsh. You need a word to get into it, don't you? Yes, hello, I'm from Wales. That's good. You've got a bit of Tom Jones there and all. One more. What about... Here's one that I can't get anywhere near, Northern Irish. Northern Irish, I'm not too bad at because my granddad was from Larn. You enjoyed saying the word Larn, then, didn't you? I love saying Larn. Yeah, you like that. So, if someone asked you to audition and play a Northern Irish person,

you would have to say no. I probably would have to say no. I've thought about this. It seems to be... And one of my best friends is Northern Irish, but it seems to me, I can get the rhythm of it, which is... Yes. But you can't do all your lines like that, can you? No, you can't do them all like that. Wouldn't watch. People wouldn't like it. Imagine if you got off of the part, you told them you could do the accent, you get to a read-through, table read, and it comes to your first line. How long do you think you'd last at the table read

if you just did all your lines like that before they just said you have to leave? People will probably laugh the first time you did it because it was like a hilarious, very brave joke. But then it... That guy's got some balls to pull off a joke when he's first lying at a table read. Good on him, right? But then if you carry it on, you'd be asked to leave. I actually was once fired after a table read. I've never shared this before. Did you try and get back in with your socks over your shoes? Very good. No, it didn't... If only I'd thought of that. No, it was for a radio play and I've never done any... Because I didn't go to drama school

and I've never done any Shakespeare or like a verse reading or that sort of thing. And it was for like some sort of like John Webster play and I went along and there was... Rory Keneer was there. Do you know that actor who's perhaps one of our finest classical actors? But he fucked the pig. Yeah, he fucked the pig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In real life. No, in Black Mirror. And they're all like the best classical actors of their generation. And I bought a York Notes before going to this thing to try and work it out. And I did the read through and afterwards the director said, what's the problem? What happened there? What's the problem? And I said, I did tell you I've never done this sort of thing before.

And he said, I think it's best you leave. I said, but my bag is still in the other room where everyone else is. And I had to go in and get my bag. Can you imagine? When you went in to get your bag, did you pretend like you were still in the play? I think I might have said something about a family emergency. Just garbled something about an emergency bag and run out. But they knew. They knew what had happened. So they all knew in the room when you went to get your bag that you'd been fired? I think they knew it was going very poorly for me in this read through.

And then I think they were told after I'd left that I had in fact been fired. Oh man, that's painful. Do you ever been fired? It's difficult to be fired doing stand-up comedy a lot of the time, because they tend to be one-off gigs. If you're fired from a stand-up comedy gig, it's gone very badly. If you're halfway through the set and they're like, no, this isn't working out, it's time for me. You're going to have to go.

Yeah. Well, I had that. I mean, I may have told this story on the podcast before, but I had a gig once where it was going really badly. And the audience were just all talking over me. It's bedlam. And there was someone in the front who really hated me. He was screaming at me how shit I was. I'd be like, yeah, shit and all this. And then the guy around the venue went over to security and pointed at this guy on the front row and went, he needs to go.

But God was doing so badly that the security guard thought he was pointing at me. So the security just walked up. And so this guy's yelling at me on the front, going, you are shit. You're not even fucking funny. And then I saw the security guard coming up behind him. And I was like, Cavalry's arrived. You're about to get chucked out, you piece of shit. But so I let him shout at me.

And then the security guard just walked past this guy up onto the stage, right up to me and he went, you need to go. And I was like, okay, fine. I mean, I don't like this anyway. And I left. And then they made me go back on and then explain to them what had happened. What? Did that bring him back round?

No, it did not. It went worse because obviously I said, oh, if I'm being chucked out, the audience cheer, I go off stage. The manager comes up to me and says, that was a mistake. I was like, yeah, I'm pretty sure it's a mistake, but I'm happy to just write it out. It's like, no, no, I need you to go back on. And so I went back on and told them what happened.

And they still don't like me. And the guy on the front, when I thought they'd sent you to get a proper comedian and all this. And then I made, this is a big mistake, but I did it. I went, they did send me to get a proper comedian and it's you. So everyone welcome this guy to the stage. So then I gave him the mic. He went on stage.

I sat in his seat because they're already, you know, a pack of wolves. So he goes on and they give him a little chance. And he says some, he says some joke at the top, doesn't work. And then they really turn on him. It gets really ugly. And then he starts panicking and turning to me and trying to hand me back the mic. And I just shook my head and sat there and said, no, this is your gig now, which is a very unprofessional thing to do.

And it just got worse and worse until the whole place was not really a gig anymore. Actually, it was a bit of a riot. Did you feel good about that? Or did you feel, did you begin to feel guilty when it was happening? I felt good when I shook my head at him. And then when it descended into this is now unwinbackable. None of us can come back from this. I felt really bad from it.

You were the equivalent of, as Danny Dyer put it, in Nice with your trotters up. I was in Nice with my trotters up. I'd say that's being fired. You definitely got fired there. I got fired. But, Ray, you haven't been fired from trying, of course. Oh, no. Very excited that there's a second series.

Yeah, me too. Where did we leave your character in series one and what's changed? The first season is about a couple who try and have a baby together, but they're not able to naturally conceive. So they decide to adopt. And then the whole first season is about them being approved for adoption. And now it's about them getting matched with a kid. Lots of bittersweet moments in seer.

It's about something. And it's also funny. And the more I do stuff, I only want to be in things that are funny. Because everything's funny. And, you know, I've done, like, Ibsen and shit, like the National Theatre a few years ago. And even that should be funny. It's like, even if there is a laugh to be had, let's have it. And it's a crime not to.

There has been very few moments in my life where some form of comedy hasn't been wrought from it. And that's the sort of work I want to do. And this reflects that. Sometimes where you go and see, like, a proper serious play. And the whole thing is serious. But there's, like, the occasional comedic line in there. It gets such a massive laugh because people aren't expecting it out of nowhere. And then as a comedian, I'm sat there absolutely seething.

Yeah, it really makes comedians so angry. Theatre crowds, like, laughing at tiny jokes. Because everyone's so tense all the time in the theatre. I don't know. That's how I feel when I go and watch a play. I'm so worried for everyone involved. And then if it's serious and there's one little joke and everyone's like, Oh, thank God for that.

We're all here. We're alive. Do you know what? I had my first, I mean, I'm embarrassed saying it to you. But I did a one person play at the National Theatre last year, right? Called Death of England. And I watched hours and hours and hours of stand-up. Like, I'm a huge stand-up fan anyway, right?

I love it. So I watched everything and everyone. And I had my first taste of what that would be like to do stand-up comedy as an actor. And there was a lot of, like, audience participation and talking to people and improvising and stuff. And I have to say, it easy. It was easy. Turns out, bloody easy.

No, no, it wasn't. No, it gave me even more respect. But what I did realise is, again, from a layman's point of view, and I say this with my head bowed, is the sort of power that you have in speaking to going back to your heckler thing. I know that people will probably always bore on to you about hecklers and stuff. But, like, the amount of power that you have as the person on stage, if someone says anything, ain't got to be that good to come back.

People are generally on your side, right? Is that true? Yeah, I think that's fair. And also, the audience knows, instinctively, that anything you say back is in the moment and unique. And people are so much more on board with anything they feel is special to that night. Right. That's interesting. Also, Wraith, you've learnt very quickly a very key rule in stand-up.

Good thing to remember is that the whole audience is on your side. It's a big lesson that I only learnt when you said it just then. So I've never learnt that. Yeah, James sort of takes the opposite way of doing this when he walks on. It's all insecurities and stuff, isn't it? But yeah. Yeah, but you're of the level now where everyone's coming to see your show, though. So everyone is on side, right?

People are coming to see you, then. You are talking out of your arse. That is not the case. It is. One in each group are there to see me. James sees it as more enemies. Yes. Is that what he sees big audiences as?

They all bring their mates who don't know me. But yeah, it's all in my head most of the time. And I should have that approach of going, they all want you to succeed, even the ones who don't know who you are. They want you to do well, because they don't want to be in an awkward situation where they're watching someone bomb. No, exactly.

No, but I get that. I get it. And I have a similar thing sometimes when I do plays. And because, you know what it's like, an audience exists as an organic thing unto itself. And certain bits that get massive laughs, usually one night won't for whatever reason. Then you'll get a strange laugh in another place.

And you can end up despising the audience. And I get it when I'm like, well, there's actually a big laugh coming up, but you're not going to fucking get it. I'm not even going to... You don't deserve it. You don't deserve it. I'm not even going to give it to you.

Yeah. Oh, I know what you mean. That's me for two hours, when the first joke doesn't get as much as I thought it would. The remaining two hours throw it all away. Fuck you, guys. You don't get them full things. We always start with still or sparkling water for your meal, Rafe.

Although today we're starting with still or bubbly fresh. Oh, yeah. Still or bubbly fresh. Bubbly fresh. Absolutely. Do you know what? I've expected so much. He's had that up his sleeve since you said it.

It's very good. I didn't think of it, but Ed's had that there. He's like, I know when the time is to drop that. Yeah, yeah. Well done. Just let James get through his breakdown about stand-up, and then I'm ready to do my bubbly fresh joke. I enjoyed it.

Okay, I guzzle bubbly fresh water all day, every day. Yeah? I'm addicted to it. I've heard some quite hefty soda stream content on this podcast before, and I am in possession of one. And probably my favorite drink in the world, up there, is fizzy water with orange squash.

Oh, hello. Nice. First of all, is it a pint glass? Is it a small glass? And then how much squash are you putting in to bubbly fresh water? If I had the pint glass, I would use a pint glass, but it's sort of one of them in between the pint and a half pint glasses.

You know the ones I mean. And I'm going to put about an inch and a half in. Yeah? So pretty a good measure. So I think if I'm allowed to, I'll have some orange squash in my fizzy water, please, Monsieur. Although I knew fizzy or still would be a question.

I know a friend of mine, this woman called Carla Gagino, she's an actress. She orders half and half. She's the only human I've ever known do this. She goes, I'll have half and half, please. That must send them crazy in a restaurant. What do they do? Yeah, it does.

What do they do with that? They're confused, but they comply because they have to. Is that because fizzy water's too fizzy for her? Too much for her. It's too much for her. But still water's not enough. Indeed. So she'll have half and half.

Thank you very much. But for me, in this restaurant, I'll have Robinson's orange squash in there, please. That's your brand. Is Robinson's? Is there another brand? I mean, it's a good point. It's Robinson's or Buster's, isn't it?

Yeah. I mean, really, what other orange squash brands are there? There aren't any. Apart from home brand ones, do you know what I mean? That's what we had growing up was, Sainsbury's home brand is what we always had growing up. Now, I've got two bottles of Robinson's in there, actually. Yeah.

Guess what flavours they are? Orange and the ribena flavour one. Long. Lemon. Yes. Wow. Lemon's the king for me. Sorry, Ralph.

Lemon's the king of the squashes. That's quite saucy. I'll do lemon squash with fizzy water from the soda stream. It's like having a lemonade, but you don't feel bad about it. A cloudy lemonade. A cloudy lemonade. You feel like you're in an old book. Which I don't want to get too focused on drinks,

but cloudy lemonade is the best lemonade, right? It's the best one, yeah. There's no messing. We don't need to even get focused on it, we all agree. Can you remember the first time you had a cloudy lemonade and just thought, why have I been bothering with that other shit? I can't remember the exact time, but my dad, he guzzles it.

Two litre bottle every day, cloudy lemonade. Dyat cloudy lemonade. Does he know? Yeah, he murders it, yeah. Absolutely destroys it. Brilliant. We've got some gas on Timothy Spall. Yeah.

Timothy Spall, bloody loves his cloudy lemonade. Quite often went like little bits of this podcast still sneak into the tabloids, which is always very funny, little celebrity fact. And I really hope that Daily Mirror goes with Timothy Spall guzzles cloudy lemonade. TV Tim, guzzles cloudy lemonade. They'll do some sort of pun headline for it.

I'm trying to think of one, but I can't, all I can think of is Alfie the same wet. Pop it up, sort of bread. Pop it up, sort of bread. Rafe Spall, pop it up, sort of bread. Bread, and I'm going to have some sourdough bread, and I want to put butter on it and salt. Oh, yeah.

So is it salted butter and then you add salt? Yeah, yeah, double salt. I was a very fat child, right? And I used to eat a lot still do, but this is why I'm looking forward to this, because on this meal, I'm going all out. I'm not holding back, because I don't need to watch my figure in this restaurant, do I?

Yeah, absolutely not. But my mum and dad always used to say to me, don't fill up on bread when I went to a restaurant. Don't fill up on bread, I never did. And I never have. It's impossible, not because I'm holding back, not because I'm holding back, because I'm eating all the bread I want,

but I'm not full up on it. So you found a loophole, really, because they were saying don't fill up on bread. They then don't eat all the bread. And you ate all the bread, and you're like, actually, I'm still not full, mum and dad. So you're lying, because it's impossible to fill up on bread. Yeah.

Well, your dad's there, full to the brim of cloudy lemonade. He's drunk so much of it, it's spilling out of his mouth as he's full. What a hypocrite. What a hypocrite. He's saying don't fill up on bread, and he's got foam coming out of his eyes.

Hang on, dad. Why don't you not fill up on cloudy lemonade? Thank you very much. You leave me to it. Leave me to it. Let me enjoy myself. At least the restaurant had brought that to me. You've brought that bottle with you, dad.

Yeah, exactly. Good guzzler. In a blue carrier bag. So you're a salty guy, you like your salted butter, you add the salt on it. Is that food in general? You're a salt man?

I like sugar and sweet, James. I like, you know, I do. I love crisps. Oh, yeah. Obsessed by crisps, and although I've given them up this year. Was that like first of January you gave them up? Yeah, and beer.

Lager and crisps I've given up. I'm still on the booze, like I have other booze, and I have other salty snacks, like nuts, but trying to keep it a bit tight. So I've given up on crisps and lager, yeah. Are they like good foods for you?

Sorry. Go for it, James. Well, I was just going to say, I mean, your questions seem quite considered. As you were going into it, I thought, oh, Ed's actually got a serious question about this, where I was about to say, because Rave said he's given up lager and crisps,

so I was going to say, do you only give up stuff that you can make a sitcom name out of? And that's where I was going to go. I'd definitely prefer your question. Falls and Horses, won't you? Falls and Horses, yes. That's all I can think.

Exactly. Not food. Ever decreasing circles. I'm going to stop with them and all. I'm going to stop decreasing circles. And also, I'm giving up my family. Yeah. That's sad, though.

Yeah. That's sad. But I don't want to get into that now. I don't want to get into it. But rules are all. Yeah, rules are all. But I do like salty stuff. Interestingly, so you've given up crisps, right?

I quite often have to say, I'm giving up nuts, because they're a big like, they're a food that if I start eating them, I won't stop eating them. They're like a spiral out of control. I can't fill up on nuts. What sort of nuts are we talking?

Oh, I mean, with, you know, roasted salted, but if in a dream world, I think roasted salted pecans. Jesus. Roasted salted macadamias. What do you think is king nut? Yeah, good question. Almond's a classic nut, right?

But classic, but king. King nut is, for me, is a roasted salted pecan. Wow. Very spatial expression there. Suggest to me, he does not agree, and has lost a bit of respect for you. No, I don't. No, I like, no, I love pecans.

I don't know. I don't know if I've ever bought a, I might have had a roasted salted pecan in a roasted salt and mix of nuts, but never a bag of them by themselves. So I'm not qualified to pass comment on that entirely, but you're talking about the flavor of it. I'm talking about the nut unto itself,

like the most diverse, like, the nut that could be eaten in many different ways, the most sort of, what's the word? Versatile. Versatile nut, yeah, exactly. Versatile nut. Well, my favorite nut, I don't know if this qualifies,

but I happily have it, you know, on its own, roasted in a dish, in a hot dish. Yeah. Even goes well in desserts. I like cashews. I agree. I'm a big fan of cashews. I agree.

Make a breeze of me. Because even a naked cashew's delicious. Yeah. It is good. Isn't it? And also a salty one's lovely. Yes. Absolutely.

I like it with chicken. Yeah. In like a hot chicken dish. Chicken cashews delicious. It actually features in one of the dishes that I've chosen for this meal. Oh, it's exciting. Well, let's get on to the meal then.

Starter. Is the cashew in the starter? Is in one of them. So I don't know the actual rules of this yet. I'm going to order for the table. Right? Yeah. And so there's going to be a few things.

Who else is at your table? I'm not going to say specific people because other people might get upset if they're not included. But I reckon it would be a group of about six is a good number, isn't it? Yeah. Because you can talk to six.

You get to talk to everyone. But you're not naming names. I'm not going to name names. You're refusing to? In your head, do you know who it is? I'm refusing to. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, you can save one person. Jesus Christ. No, I'm not going to... No. None of my kids would feature. But no, there'd be some lovely grown-ups.

My favorite feeling in the world because I love starters, right? Starters are the best. Everyone, you know, is to be at a table with your friends. And I've had two martinis and I'm looking at the menu deciding what to eat. That to me is the best feeling known to mankind.

Two martinis. That sent shivers up my spine. I'm so excited about that. Back to back. Rapido. One, two. Oh, yeah. Bang.

Done. I did this film in Atlanta and there's this brilliant thing where you order a cocktail and they bring you a cocktail beer whilst you wait for your cocktail. Oh, wow. They'll bring you a half of a half of lager straight away as soon as you put your cocktail order in. Yeah.

Which is fantastic. Mm-hmm. Oh, that's great. Because it takes a while to make everyone's cocktail. So then you've got a little beer to... So I might say that as well. I'll have a beer right away, two martinis and my orange squash. You've had that before in a restaurant.

That completely qualifies. Yeah, yeah. You've ordered two martinis. Yeah. We were immediately giving you a half beer. You've had the two martinis. How do you like your martinis? I like them vodka.

Very dry, straight up with olives. Lovely. Please. I'm happy with that. And then now I'm thinking about my starters and I know what I want. So I'm going to hit you. All right.

Great. I want just a trickle or a salad. Right. Just lovely. Okay. Fresh, beautiful. Then I want some tuna nigiri. Yeah.

And then I want just some grilled halloumi. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, give me a little bowl of hummus with some, with a bit of pitta. I also want, here we go, back to the cashew. I want a watermelon duck and cashew salad. Yeah.

Right. But then I also want some creamed palenta with mushrooms. And that will do us, please. Us. To start. Oh, right. I tell you what, I feel a real affinity with you because I was a fat kid as well

and you're doing exactly what I would do. I was going to say, if you hadn't told us that detail about yourself at the start, if you made that start of order, I'd have gone, great, let's talk about your childhood. What were you like as a kid, mate? Very fat, very fat. And I have to work hard to not be so these days.

But we're not watching our figures tonight, are we Ed? We're doing it. No, absolutely not. We're doing it. Do you know about that film Le Grand Bouff? No. Which is translated to The Big Fart in French and it's about a group of French businessmen from the 70s

who go to a house and decide to eat themselves to death. Oh, right. So that's my vibe tonight. Is this what you'd start with to eat yourself to death as well if that was your own? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah. But also, this is for the table.

This is for the table. It's sharing plates. Yeah, you're sharing these with your family. Yeah, but I know what you mean when you say sharing plates. Your cover's blown on that one because I did that as well. This is sharing plates and then you just eat as much of it as you can before anyone else works that out, right?

And also, Jesus doesn't eat much, does he? No, he has a little portion. He can always turn it into more as well, that's that. If he wants to. That guy makes it last. No, I'll have bits and pieces of all of them. But you know, the grilled halloumi and the hummus, that's small. Tuna nigiri, that's small.

You're going to get six pieces of nigiri on a plate, aren't you? Tricholori, that's nothing. The creamed pelenta and mushrooms, you ever had that? No. I've had pelenta before, I've not had it with mushrooms before. Yeah, creamed pelenta. That's a really good thing to cook in your house, you know? Creamed pelenta, you put a bit of cream in it and parmesan.

It's easy and lovely. And what you kind of blend that together or what you do? Yeah, you've got a whisk it. So you boil a bit of milk and then some butter and then carefully sieve in the pelenta slowly and whisk it. And then you put in lots of parmesan and more butter and cream and you just whisk it and it's all sort of oozy and lovely. It's really good.

Are you dipping the pita bread from the hummus into that as well? No, that's double carb, that'd be too much. Because what you're going to do with... So you'd use pelenta where you would maybe use pasta, so it's nice with bolognese sauce or something. Got you. But in this case, just a bit of mushrooms. That's the mushrooms of it.

How would you like this presented? Because there's quite a few dishes here. Do you want them just all brought out on like a lazy Susan sort of setup or do you just want them dotted around the table? I like it when you go to a restaurant and then the waiter brings out his own little table. You know when they do that, he brings out his own little table and he opens it, Constantine opens it and puts it down.

You know you're somewhere special when that happens, do that. And then I like bonquets. You always feel nice when you're in bonquets, don't you, in a restaurant? And it will be a sort of large oval table where you could still speak to everyone so it would all go in the middle, all within arm's reach of me. And that salad is very specific and I haven't heard of it before. Is there a place you've had this salad or is it something you've always had growing up?

Watermelon duck and cashew salad, I'm not familiar with it myself. Do you know what? I love going to restaurants here, it's probably my favorite thing to do and I'm going to sort of betray myself as being rather grand now. You can get it in the IV, right? Right, here we go. Yeah, there you go. And you could, but also they do it at a sort of Pan-Asian restaurant called ENO.

The cashews are sort of caramelized and then the watermelon's really fresh and then the duck is like sort of, you know, like you would get in a Chinese restaurant to take apart the forks. It's really good. I love duck. Yeah, I love duck. Is that the king meat? No, beef, buff.

There we go. I don't know, what's your king meat? If you had to eat one meat forever, what would it be just a one? I think it's beef, it'd be beef or lamb I think, it would be between those two, but beef is probably the meat I eat the most. James? Well, I do love those meats. The thing is, one thing that you've got to eat forever

is different to me to something that's your favorite. Because if I've got to eat one meat forever, I would probably let both of you down and choose chicken. I can understand that though. But like, you know, if I think of like dishes that I've had that are the best dishes, I've had better lamb dishes, beef dishes, and even duck dishes than I have, you know, chicken dishes. I mean, beef would probably win.

If I think of like, yeah, the best meals I've had. It's been beef based. Yeah. Yeah. What about game? How do you feel about game, venison? I wouldn't, I have that sort of stuff so rarely that I would never pick it for my forever meat.

No way. It would sound a lot about you if venison, hair was your rabbit, was your forever meat, I wonder. Simply has to be. I'm nothing without my goose. Goose is bloody horrible. I can't get on board with it. You've read goose?

No. Yeah, I have. Don't, don't, don't like it. No. Also don't like in my life. I hate geese. So do I. I spent, I spent a day with a gamekeeper once.

Doing what? Uh, hanging out with him, going about his day to day work. I won it in a raffle. Day, day with the gamekeeper. What are you talking about? When I was a little kid. Yeah. When I was a little kid, I can't remember where the raffle was.

I can't remember what, you know, yeah, but like, yeah. That's all you need to know. It was a raffle in Kettering. That was the top prize. Spent a day with a gamekeeper. And I, I won one of the prizes and you get to go up and choose. And I didn't know what a gamekeeper was. I just saw an envelope that said day with the gamekeeper.

And I thought that sounds amazing. Because he's got all the games. He's got all the games. And I, I, so I chose it and I went back to my mum, like, this is going to be amazing. And she was like, ah, okay, we can go. But like, it's not going to be what you think it is. It's not games like you think it is.

That's great. And I, I didn't even know that he, he mainly looked after pheasants. And I didn't know that this kind of stuff existed. And, uh, he took me around to see all the pheasants and then started talking about, yeah, and then, you know, later on in the year, we'll release them and then people come down and they shoot them. And I just got really, I was like, and I said to him,

do you ever like get attached to them as individuals? Because, uh, he was like, who is this kid? Why has he chosen day with the gamekeeper at the raffle? This is, you know, just said they're going, I'd like, I'd like to be the dog in Monopoly if we're playing Monopoly. Oh, I mean, you play Maltrap and Cludo. Why are we doing this?

But the thing is, if we're in a raffle, it's like, sure, you win it, but then you've got to organise it, right? So, like you would have obviously said to your mum, mum, can you organise this? And then your mum would have had to call the guy, sort out a time, the best time to do it. I mean, it would have been a process.

Yeah, a whole thing. Yes, here's when we can come and my seven year old child could spend a day with you. Exactly, because you could have just not gone. But you, you obviously just like, you made the decision. No, I've won it. I'm going. Get my pro. Yeah, I've won it.

It's a new thing to me. I want to go and see what, what an experience, you know, I never win raffles. You have a new experience for this guy. And he wasn't, you know, he wasn't good with kids either. Well, that's not why you go into the gamekeeping game, is it? You don't, you don't go, I'm good with kids. I'll look after a pheasant.

He didn't expect it to have to show a kid around. No, he didn't expect that. He thought, you know, he'll have a fellow, you know, someone like-minded. You weren't inspired by it. It didn't, you didn't, you didn't go right now. I know what I want to do. Also, later on in my life,

when I failed my first driving test, it was really early in the morning. I felt really depressed. I went for a walk in the fields, sat down for a bit, accidentally fell asleep, and then was scared out of the field by a group of beaters coming across. And I just, they, they woke me up

and I leapt out the field and just ran out of the field. And they, I mean, I didn't look back because I was too embarrassed. Shoot in seasons in the winter, isn't it? So why were you sleeping in a field in the winter? You've met him, right? That was near my parents' house. And I just thought, I'm feeling really depressed because I just failed my driving test.

So I'll just go for a walk. And then during the walk, I was like, oh, how do you really knackered? I'll just sit down. Can I get my head down? And then didn't intend to fall asleep, but fell asleep. But the next thing I knew,

I was being scared, being beaten out of the field. Did you pass your driving test on the second attempt? Yeah, passed it on the second attempt, no problem. Eight days later, wrote my parents' car off. Did you? Yeah. Got a new car of my own. I had that for under a year before I wrote it off.

It's because the beaters never stopped chasing it. That's the thing. Right, I've got the beaters on my back. I always had the beaters on my back. I'll fucking know where they are again. Floor it, floor it. I passed my driving test, and I never had a lesson.

And that's true. What? Why were you taking your test? I was 27, and I'd met my wife, and she said to me, you cannot be with me if you haven't got a driving license.

Sold it out. Interesting. And so I thought, oh, fucking hell. And I'd been driving illegally for years. Like, when I say illegally, I mean with a provisional, because I'd always had girlfriends that had cars, so I'd always drive about with a provisional license.

And then in a sort of fit of peak, I was a bit like, oh, fine, and I'll just book it. So then I just booked a test, and then fought nothing of it. And then remembered that I had this test coming up, in a couple of days, and I didn't have any lessons, and so I thought, I'm just going to fucking go.

I'm going to see what happens, right? So I went on the YouTube, and I saw about how to do it, and then Elise took me around some roundabouts, which I still struggle with to this day, right? Yeah, you never had a lesson in your life, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And I've never had a lesson.

And then I went along, somehow pulled it off. The guy said to me, guy said to me, now I'm going to pass you, but this is the lowest pass I've ever given out. This is the lowest, this is the lowest one I've ever done.

I want you to know that I'm going to pass as a pass in it. And yeah, so there you go. And now look at me, danger on the roads. Imagine having to say that to someone. Just so you know, I am passing you, but I don't want this on my conscience completely. So I'm going to let you know that this is you scraped through

by the skin of your teeth. I had a really low pass as well, and I think the person who took my test only passed me because she was clearly hungover. So like every so often she would ask me to stop, she'd wind down a window and start breathing quite heavily. And so because of that,

I think she passed me out of guilt. First time. First time. Yeah, but with like whatever the maximum amount of mine, as you're allowed. Yeah, yeah. But when we went to take the test, my instructor took me and you know,

you sit there and wait for the examiner to come out. And he of the, my instructor knew all the examiners and they all come out and they pick up your sheet or whatever and read your name out. And I can't believe that this didn't affect my test result at all. The examiner was quite short and round and she came and picked up the sheet

and he went really loudly. He went, oh no, you've got Barney Rubble. Like that loudly. You've got Barney Rubble. Like fucking hell, shut up. And then you had to do a test with your feet through the car and running around all the time.

That was a really hard bit. Move on to your main course, Rafe. Yeah, that start was a smorgasbord. It sounded delicious. Well, the smorgasbord is going to continue. So again, I'm ordering for the table. Yeah, I'm going to get... There's this restaurant now

which is sadly closed in New York City called the Spotted Pig. And they had a burger there, which for me, and I've had many, is probably the best one I've ever had. And that's a cheeseburger with string fries, very, very thin fries and loads of them. I'd also get a porterhouse steak,

the porterhouse being fillet on one side, sirloin on the other with a big t-bone down the middle. Now, I want that cooked Chicago style. Do you know about Chicago style? Yeah, which is black and blue. It's very, very charred on the outside and very rarely inside. And then I want a melanzani parmigiana, all right?

And also, I want a chicken burrito and some guacamole to share, please. To share. Okay. How did you discover that you liked your steak Chicago style, first of all? Because I was with someone who I thought was quite cool and they said it, and so then I asked what it was

and it was really good. And actually, there's a chain of steak restaurants in Canada called Black and Blue. And I asked what Black and Blue was and that is the way of cooking the steak, black on the outside, blue on the inside. Lovely. And it's called, for whatever reason, Chicago style.

It sounds like the way I have often done steaks by accident on a barbecue. Yeah, I know. It should be called British barbecue style, really. How's Chicago got that off? I know. It's so true. It's so true.

And the thicker the steak, the more difficult it is to cook, but I think you need to lean into it. What do you go for when you get a steak? How do you order it? I tend to say rare. Oh, so you'd like Chicago style? I think I'd love Chicago style. I've had it in Italian restaurants before as well,

where they do like Bistecca, I think it's Fiorentina, like Florence style steak. That's right. And is that the same sort of thing? It's like really, really rare. Yeah, exactly. What about you, James? How do you get your steak?

Medium rare, usually. It's not completely basic, but it's pretty basic in it. I think it's a solid order. No, but it says something about you. It says that you've got a bit of danger about you. Do you know what I mean? If you said medium or medium well, that might be quite unattractive.

That's what Greg Davis came on this podcast and said. What, medium well? That was his dream meal, was a well done steak. And fillet as well. A well done fillet? Yeah. What's wrong with him? We tried to work out.

It's a shame, isn't it? Yeah. It is a shame, because he seems like a good fella. He is, yeah, yeah. Don't go for dinner with him, no? So I've got some, if there's any vegetarians there, the melanzani parmigiana for the vegetarians. That's lovely, isn't it?

Do you ever have that? I'm not sure I have. Oh, mate, aubergine with parmesan. Oh, oh. Oh, lovely. I had an aubergine just before we started this. Hang on a minute. You said that when Dolly Alderton was on your thing as well.

You said you had that aubergine. You're obsessed by him. Yeah, he is obsessed with that. Are they idiot? I've never. To be fair. He pulled you out on it straight away. To be fair, you absolutely might.

Yeah, you got me. Yeah. If you're obsessed by those melanzanis, you need to look at it. Did you put it under the grill again? Scoop it all up with a spoon? Yeah, I did. That's exactly what I did.

Yeah, yeah. He's got you. That is what I did, yeah. Actually, yeah, that's exactly what I did. Look, aubergine is very versatile and it's lovely. But really, I respect that because you're eating it as it comes because really, aubergine tastes of what you put on it. Like, do you put a bit of oil on it or whatever?

Olive oil, lemon juice, salt and pepper. Lovely. And that's it. Garlic pepper. Garlic pepper. Yeah, I use the garlic pepper. Yeah. Very nice.

Do you like masaka? Yeah, I like this. I made a vegetarian masaka during lockdown with aubergines, actually. Yeah, very good. It's quite laborious, though, isn't it? Because you've got to... Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean? It takes a while. Yeah. You've got to cut them all up, cook them and all that, yeah. Yeah, it's a good one. They really absorb oil, don't they? Yeah. Really absorb.

Yeah, love it. Like, you put as much as you want there. What's the deal with that? I respect that. I, you know, I feel like an aubergine sometimes. It's the vegetable I most associate with as a guy, I think. Do you use a whole carton of sun cream when you put it on? Does it just soak into your skin?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just straight into awful. I mean, I can really relate to what you just said about absorbing oil, actually. And it is something that, recently, I've had problems with when I'm grilling my aubergines, is that when I pour the oil on... Yeah.

...wherever it is that is that exact spot that I put the oil on, it goes right in there and then I can't spread it. And what I need is like an oil glaze curtain that they have for donuts. You know, when donuts go through the conveyor belt for the glaze curtain. That's what I need is olive oil glaze curtain in my flight. Have you thought about a spray situation? You could mist it. I could mist it.

That would be good. Also a brush. You don't got a brush? No. I think I need to invest in a brush if I'm going to keep eating these aubergines like this. Here's the thing as well, is actually weirdly, someone told me recently that when it comes to cooking aubergines, and this sounds counter-intuitive,

but if you were to actually like deep-fry them, right, and now they absorb less oil if you cook them in loads and throw them in, for some reason they cook nicely without absorbing all the oil. So the more oil you put in, the less they absorb strangely. But if you like your aubergines, then you need to get on an aubergine parmesan. It's lovely. I love aubergine parmesan.

Well, that was part of my Fat Boy lunch tour that I do most days, where I'd get down the high street and go to the deli and buy aubergine parmesan and a sandwich, and then go to Greg's and get a couple of pasties, and then go to the corner shop and buy a pack of biscuits, and then go back to my mum's house. That's me. I do similar things. I would go to the cafe and I would get a full breakfast

with four slices of toast, and then I would go to the shops and I would get Mars Bar, Topic, Twirl, Lion Bar, Crisps, and Milky Way Stars. Yeah. Perfect. That's pudding. Eating all those in one sitting? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Talking about, you're not going to spread them out. They're going straight down, and that's breakfast. Yeah. That's before lunch. But I was also, that was in a period of my life when I was smoking a lot of weed as well, so that sort of goes together. But yeah, no, you can't do that anymore and try and be an actor or whatever. So this is why this is so lovely for me, because this is, those rules don't exist.

I can go back to those Halcyon days of Milky Way Stars for Christmas for breakfast. Rafe, I feel like if we ever met in real life and went out for a meal, it would be the end of both of us. Yeah, we'd just get a big trough. I think we'd egg each other on, and it would be so bad. And next thing you know, we're in the corner shop at breakfast. This is how bad it would be. If Ed rang me up one day in the morning and said,

James, what are you up to today? And I said, nothing. I've got nothing planned. And he went, I'm going to go meet up with Rafe Spall. We're going to get some food. Do you want to come? I'll go, no. No, I've got some aubergine to eat.

Thank you very much. Absolutely not. I thought a spray. There's no way I'm coming to that. Too hardcore for me. It would be quite hardcore. I mean, really, we should get onto your side dish, although I really want to know about the chicken burrito.

Because that was suddenly in there at the end, a chicken burrito. Because I could easily eat Mexican food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day, every day. And I think if there was one cuisine I'd eat forever, one country whose food I could live on forever, it would probably be Mexico. I've spent quite a lot of time in Los Angeles. I made a TV show there a few years ago.

And yeah, that LA Mexican food is something else. And is it from anywhere in particular, this chicken burrito? Yeah, a restaurant in Venice Beach called Casa Linda. And I'll go there every evening and have that. Because I get into a routine where, if I'm away filming or working or whatever, and I find one place, I go to that one place every day

and eat the same thing. And I'm also happy eating the same thing for lunch every day. And I generally do. And then I'll get sick of it. Like for years, I ate a pit of bread with tuna in it every day for lunch, for about three years. Every day? Every day.

And only after three years did I get sick of it. It wasn't like a gradual process of like, oh, I'm getting bored of this now. It was, I was happy until that last one. Yeah. And then I just stopped because I thought this is... It was just that final bite. And then you're like, I'm never having this again.

Exactly. It was tuna with feta, hummus, jalapenos, and some cucumbers. Because I eat hummus and feta every single day of my life. Not a day goes by. Really? Ah, yeah. You work it into other stuff, or? Yeah, yeah.

You're sneaking it into whatever. Because there's not that many meals, in my opinion, that can't be improved for the addition of feta cheese. It goes with most things. You can even put it on curry and get away with it. Right. Get away. I wouldn't advise it, but it wouldn't ruin it, would it?

You wouldn't serve that to a guest, though, would you? That's something, if you're having a curry and you're by yourself, do you like go on? Chana masala with feta? No, I wouldn't do that. No, but I'd be tempted to try it by myself. And in hummus, hummus I'd devour the stuff. A pot a day easy.

Has that come up in your menu yet? No, because I would have had that for lunch. I would have had it for lunch. Sure. Also, Rave's point is you could put it on anything that he's had so far. So all of us could have. Would you like us to bring you out a big bowl of feta, and you can just sprinkle it on whenever you feel like it?

Yeah, okay. You don't have to be nice. I've got some extensive sides. Let's hear these. Oh, we've got to hear the sides. Right, I'd be absolutely stunned if he went sides and he went just chips. Broccoli. And that would have moved on.

If he had one side dish. The burger, that terrific burger, which would also be medium rare, would come with them string fries, but I also want other fries. Okay. And then I want some dauphinoise potatoes. Yeah. I want some simple fresh things like a pickled cucumber salad. And I also want a tomato and red onion salad.

But then I also want some truffle macaroni. Now, the thing with a truffle macaroni is there's this restaurant, a fancy restaurant in New York City called the Waverly. And they come and take your order and they always say to you, oh, would you like to let you know that a special that we have on is this macaroni cheese with truffle on it? You go, oh, that sounds nice. And they suggest that you get it for the table to, you know,

and also what they do in America is they tell you the price of the special and it's $100. So I've never ordered it because that would be ridiculous to order it. But now I'm going to, because I'm going to kill myself for this meal and I don't care about the price of it. Sure, it doesn't matter. I've left my family. I've left everyone.

I'm having, I'm eating myself to death with Jesus Christ. So I'm going to get the truffle macaroni for the table. For the table, of course. But mostly near me. So have you ever had it before? No, I never had it. You've not bought it, but you've not, it's like no one else has ordered it and you've had a bit.

You don't know what it even tastes like. No one's dead. You've got to have some serious Hootspots to go, yeah, I'll have that. If they go, the truffle macaroni at $100, you've got to be a bit of a baller. I'd think you know some ballers, don't you? I do know some ballers. How are they justifying that? Well, because people must, people must do it, right?

This is a, it's a, it's a pretty fancy spot. And so there's lots of famous people that must order that. And you've got those different salads. Nice little salads. You've got to cut through it with the vinegar in the pickled cucumber salad. So that's like a very finely chopped up cucumber in a sort of vinegar with a bit of dill. Dill and pickle. Dill and pickle classic.

What a lovely match. Oh, I missed something out. Yeah. I thought this was a bit like this one. We don't want you going hungry, right? Jesus wouldn't want it. Zucchini fruity. Nice.

So courgette chips. Yeah, courgettes with parmesan on them and then deep fry it, please. Are you having a little bit of everything or are you in danger that you might end up getting focused on one thing and having too much and then filling yourself up? I'm, I'm worried because a burger is okay. So a burger is hard to share. Yeah. So that would be my main and then all, and then, and then all the other ones would be,

I'll have a bit of this and a bit of that, maybe half of the burrito. And then I'd pick at the steak and then, you know, I'd enjoy a reasonable portion of the melanzani parmigiana and then I'd go to town on the sides because the side, you know, sides are fun, aren't they? Everyone loves sides. Yeah. So you've got the string fries. Yeah.

And you said you want some other fries, but are you talking just french fries or thick cut chips or? No, I don't want thick cut chips. Look, if you bring me thick cut chips, I'm not going to be upset about it, but I'm going to choose very salty, thin, crispy chips. Yeah. I think there's many people that would, maybe you two gentlemen would, would choose a thick cut fry over a thin one.

We've weirdly had some people in the podcast who have said that. It always surprises me. I think the thinner ones are by far superior. Got to be. Sometimes you're just in the mood for chip shop chips though. Yeah, that's funny. Thick, soggy ones. That's what you're in the mood for.

Yeah. Covered in vinegar. But on a night out, you know, you're at a restaurant, I'd always go thin fries unless I was somewhere where I knew they were like legit, thick, really crispy fries. Somewhere like Hawksmore that do big chips, but they're like, they're really crispy. I'd go for them. You might be the guest that we've had on this podcast who is the most like Ed. You are exactly like him.

Well, I'll take that. Even down to that moment then Bonito, where they both just laughed, make sure we use that for the picture where we tweeted because you looked exactly the same. That's hilarious. But no, you, you got a triple or quadruple cooked them fat chips. Yeah. Right. Do you cook chips in your house?

Do you ever cook chips? Because this is a new thing for me. I do. I do. You've got to get yourself a deep fat fryer because they are, they're terrific. A lovely meal and everyone's happy to eat this if they come to your house for dinner. Chicken and chips, roast chicken, chips. Oh yeah.

Bit of salad. That's lovely. That's a happy dinner. That is. And everyone's going to be happy to eat that. Are you cutting up the potatoes yourself and getting them thin? Oh God, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You've got to, but you get them all nice and thin and you've got to wash that starch off them. Yeah. And then you've got to dry them all. Which can take a while, but just stick them on a tea towel, pat them off. And then do them in batches and cook them three times. Cook them in for a bit, take them out, let them rest. Again, let them rest again.

Even when you first put the chicken in, do the chips. Just do the chips, five minutes. Take them out halfway, do them again. Just before you serve the chicken, smash them in there again. And they are truly wonderful. And then you're ready for your potato dough from once. Yeah. And that's just got you, that's got you going for the dough from once.

Yeah, yeah. Dough from once is terrific, though, isn't it? Oh, that, I mean, that is, I rarely have it, but what a treat. What a treat. I mean, again, I'm pretty sure that's Ed's favorite way to have potatoes. It is. Because also it's nice to dip chips in them. Dip chips in the sauce, in the dough from once sauce.

Talking of sauce, English mustard, ayabe of my steak. Yeah. I do like Dijon, but I go English. And then a bit of ketchup, vinegar, as you said, Ed, for the chips. Yeah, I was going to say some tartar, but there's no fish to speak of, is there? But maybe I'd get a bit of tartar anyway. Why not? Why are you there?

Let's hear what your dream drink is. So I've had, I've had two martinis to start off. Yeah. You don't want to, you don't want more than two martinis. Like, because then you feel it and you want to enjoy the meal. I've taken to drinking martinis at home, which is very dangerous, especially if you then need to cook a meal. So if you have two martinis and then you've got to cook a meal,

it is a recipe for injury. There's two here that I've got along. So I've done them. I've done the martinis and the lager. There's one softy, another softy, which is not the orange squash. And then there's a, then there's some more booze. Okay. So one of them is Diet Coke.

Now I've given it up. I gave it up years ago because I was addicted to the stuff, right? Yeah. I used to nail it, destroy it. And I have five cans a day, easy for about 15 years. Yeah. And then I thought this can't be good. And someone pointed out to me, they said,

just think of it as the sort of thing that will be kept under the sink. And, and that, it stuck with me because it's the chemical is that it worked. It worked. Well, look, I'll tell you this about Diet Coke. And I know earlier on you called me out for, you know, talk about Aubergine and already talked about it on another episode. But here's, here's, here's something brand new for you. I, 2013, I think I gave up caffeine and for five years,

I just didn't have any caffeine at all. And then I started drinking Diet Coke up for five years. Because I hadn't had any caffeine. It tasted like normal Coke. Yeah. It tasted like normal Coke does. Now, Rafe, he has told that story on this podcast so many times that when you started saying you gave up Diet Coke,

I thought you were going to do the story back at him. That's, that's where we're at with that. I thought you were repurposing the story to throw back in his face. No, I wasn't repurposing it. No, this is genuine. I'm interested. So, so, but, so have you since given it up again, James, or are you still on it? I've given up Diet Coke.

And now I'm on to Diet Pepsi. I prefer Diet Pepsi. It tastes better. It's a better drink. Max. We're talking Max. He's normal Diet Pepsi there. Or Cherry Pepsi Max.

Me and Ed are fans of that. Yeah. Love Cherry Pepsi Max. He's with me there. If you've, if you've never had Cherry Pepsi Max, Rafe, I'd warn you against it because it sounds like it'd be worse than your Diet Coke addiction. I'll be back in the caf, wouldn't I? Absolutely.

You'd be putting your dad's currently lemonade addiction to shame. There'd be a chug off at family Christmas. So you got Diet Coke. And then I like wine. I like wine. And so there's a fancy wine from a place called Chateau Latteau, which is a claret and it, and it will probably be for maybe 1990. That sort of time.

About 30 years old bottle of that would be about two grand to buy not in a restaurant. So in a restaurant, it'd be about eight grand, I reckon. Wow. But money and health is no object at this meal, is it? Money and health is no object. That's our slogan on this podcast. Can you ever see yourself in a situation where you're going to order an eight grand bottle of wine? Because I mean, it's that or, you know, 80 mac and cheese, isn't it?

Yeah, that's a good question. Can I ever see myself? I don't know. Like, how rich have you got to be? How rich have you got to be to not even blink at that? I think you've got to be like proper, proper loaded, haven't you? Or a proper cunt. It's one of the two, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. It's either you're so rich or you're just a proper cunt. Or both. Yeah. Yeah. And they often do cross over. They do. Their Venn diagram is pretty good.

On the Venn diagram, there is a sweet spot. Yeah, exactly. So I think I can't ever see myself doing that. No, but I do collect wine. I've got some wine. Do you have a wine cellar, Rafe? How are you storing your wine? Well, I, yes, I do.

And because I live in the countryside and I move to a house with a cellar in it, and the people who owned before me, they racked it out with all wine, racks. And so I thought, well, I should put some wines in there. So I suppose, yes, I do have a wine cellar. Yeah. I love it. That's my dream. Is it?

Yeah, because I really like wine, but I've only just started getting into it really. Yeah, me too. We have a new space to store it really. So it's just sort of about the place. And my fiance is a bit like, are you going to drink some of this before you get the new stuff? I'm like, that's not the point.

But I find the idea of dying with a wine cellar really sad. Like, you know what I mean? You want to drink it or you've got to drink it. Yeah. Because you can become quite miserly about it and go, yeah, I'm going to touch that one. But, you know, there's a sort of sad poetry in the idea of dying with a fully stocked wine cellar.

We can leave it to Ed in your will. Yes, please. I will. Yeah, I will in my will. I'm sure your family will really appreciate that, me turning up on your front doorstep. But very quickly, they discover, this man is exactly like that.

Do you know what? I mean, this is now down. You can come and choose a bottle of reasonably. You can come and choose a bottle of wine from my wine cellar to the amount of about 20 pounds, which is what you are prepared. I'll give you one. I'll give you one. You can come down when I pass away.

If you outlive me, I'll say this to my wife. This is on this podcast. Help yourself. Go down there to a nice bottle of 20 pound wine. That'll be a very sad bonus episode that we did. How soon after you pass, do you think it's appropriate for me to arrive at your house to get my 20 pound bottle?

That's your judgement to make me. I'm not hoping you out with that. That's a toughie. The pudding. Are you ready for some pudding? Strapping. Yeah, always. Well, I'm worried.

No, I'm going to surprise you. I'm going to surprise you. No, you're going to be surprised. It's just one. Just one pudding. No, but I'm worried because you're very similar to Ed, so I'm very worried about what this pudding's going to be. It's just, it's Ben and Jerry's caramel chuchu.

Oh, he's absolutely done it. It's fine. Well, I've never seen James go from such worry to such relief. That's the best thing he could have said to put James at ease. So happy. Also, though, to me, that's fascinating because obviously I love ice cream. I love Ben and Jerry's.

I do love caramel chuchu, but that is your one that you've chosen. And caramel chuchu is the one that I forget how good it is. And then when I have it, those little cups of caramel encased in chocolate, the way they crack in your mouth when you bite into them is very satisfying. Stop it. Also, the caramel swirl that goes down the middle of it.

It's heaven. It's lovely. I love ice cream and it's probably my favourite food. Yes. Yeah, ice cream. At number one. The twist at the end. Yeah, he was like you all along.

My kids always ask questions like, what's your favourite colour? What's your favourite food? And they ask me all the time. And so I think about these things and it is ice cream. And Ben and Jerry's are being some of the finest purveyors of it. And I love caramel. I love toffee.

I love five to that kind of taste. And it's heaven. So we'd all have a whole pun at each. Yes. The consistency of it. How hard do you like the ice cream? How soft do you like it? I don't want to bend a spoon putting it in.

So it needs, what, 10 minutes out of the fridge? Yeah, I agree with that. What do you reckon? I'd say 10 to 15. I don't mind it a little bit soft, but I don't want it rock hard. I don't want to that thing where you go in for a big scoop and you only get a little slither off the top

and it goes pinging across the room. I hate that. Yeah, I know. It's the worst. It's the worst, but you want it. You want it. You're so desperate for it. And you know, so I have an aga.

So I somewhat expedite it by laying it next to the aga. Yeah, that's good. That's a good tip. To get yourself an aga and a wine cellar. I paint it in a picture of myself here. So just a simple caramel chuchu. And then an espresso. I love a nice espresso just to get me on my way.

Just to cut for all that food. Just to shake it or digest beef, as it were. Just to get you on the way to the afterlife. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I love that. And then I'd probably get back on the lagers again. Can you do that?

Can you get back on lagers after a big meal? Because I'd then have to stick to wine or I'd have to go with spirits. If I'm out drinking, like at a dinner or whatever, always go back to lager. Because it's sobering beer. A nice sobering beer. You have a lager.

It's just, you know where you are with it. It's not too... It's not going to... Nothing unexpected. It's a little beer. You're going to be fine. And you can stick on the beers. When you said sobering beer there,

I think there were definitely some driving lessons that you missed. No wonder. This is the lowest I've ever given anyone, mainly because you're hammered, but somehow you're able to round all the corners. I'm going to read you your menu back now, Rafe. And we'll see how you feel about it.

This is like reading a fucking novel. Here we go. Go on. Water, bubbly fresh with Robinson's orange squash. Pop it on with your bread. Salmon dough with salted butter and salt. Starter, two vodka martinis, with a quarter pint of beer while you wait for the martinis.

Then you want to look at the menu and then you'll choose tricolor salad, tuna nigiri, grilled halloumi, hummus with pitta, watermelon duck and cashew salad from the ivy, and creamed polenta with mushrooms. Main course. For the table, you want spotted pig cheeseburger, medium rare with string fries,

porterhouse steak cooked Chicago style with English mustard, melazzani parmigiana, chicken burrito with guacamole. Side dish. French fries, tofu and wild potatoes, pickled cucumber salad,

tomato and red onion salad, truffle macaroni from the Waverly, zucchini fritti, ketchup vinegar and tartar sauce. Drink, diet coke with a 1990 claret. On the side, although I'm pretty sure there were more drinks there, but we skipped onto the dessert,

which is Ben and Jerry's caramel chuchu left out of the fridge for about 10 to 15 minutes. How's that feel? Sounds good, doesn't it? Sounds good, man. You'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? Even if it would be a bit overwhelming, it would be fun.

You'd have a nice evening out. I think it's safe to say that that's my favourite menu of all time. Ah, there you go. Fabulous. Fabulous. It's... Well, I'm pleased.

Yeah, I love food. Going out to eat at restaurants is my favourite thing to do in the world. And now this is your dream restaurant. Yeah. And you get to die at the end. Eating yourself to death. Eating myself to death.

And then we all stand around and we just watch you just slip off and see after life and we're all in a moment's silence. And then Edd had to slowly walk out and get into his car and just drive to your house and knock on the door and go,

hello, I'm here to choose the wipe on the white fella. Do I have to deliver the news of Rafe's death as well? Sounds great. To my wife. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Good news and bad news. We all go to the funeral and the person running the service steps up and goes, okay, ladies, we got a funeral today. Exactly. No hats, no trainers, no attitude. Thank you very much, Rafe.

Thank you, mate. It's such a pleasure. Thank you for having me. Well, there we go. Choo choo. All aboard. Choo choo. You were such a happy little boy.

You know what? I was really glad that went your way to see it wise. Because I love Ben and Jerry's. I love Karen Maltuchu as much as the next guy. Unless the next guy is James A. Castor and Rafe Spall. Yeah.

Favorite food, he said. His favorite food is ice cream. Yeah, fair enough. You know, I'm gutted that I went off on so many tangents that we didn't have enough time at the end to talk about ice cream as much as I would like.

Your own fault. We always do redemption episodes every now and again. We have redemption dinner parties. I say next time, Rafe Spall comes in and we talk to him more about ice cream because that's his redemption. He didn't get to talk about ice cream enough.

His redemption is he didn't get to talk about ice cream enough. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. I'd love to have Rafe back in the dream restaurant because, as you noticed, we're brothers in arms. You're brothers in arms and he didn't choose Dandelion and Burdock. Thank the Lord.

Thank the Lord. Thank you very much for coming into the dream restaurant, Rafe. As is your reward, we will now tell everyone that trying the second season is available on Apple TV Plus from May the 14th.

If you haven't seen the first season, go and watch that in preparation for season two. Fantastic. Thanks very much. We will see you again sometime soon in the dream restaurant. Goodbye.

Choo choo. Hello there, listeners. Can we recommend you a new podcast? It's been going for three years, but it'll be new if you listen to it now. My name's Stevie. My name's Dessa. And we host the Nobody Panic podcast,

which is all about how to be a functioning adult without consistently screaming and or crying all the time. Although crying is okay. Crying is good. Listen to our episode on how to cry at work. It's all kinds of different how-tos

from how to be creative, to how to concentrate, to how to begin a small talk. Thank you, Stevie. We bring our experience, which is sort of minor, and then we get experts in to really give the advice.

We release podcasts every Tuesday. It's on Apple Podcast, Acast, Spotify. Basically, wherever you get your podcasts, we're there. We're there. We're ready to impart, not our advice necessarily,

but the advice of others to help you get through your day and your life. Are we selling it yet? I'd like to say that we're much better in the podcast than we are on this advert. Please do come over

and check what we're like on The Real Thing. Oh, yeah. You'll be pleasantly surprised. Hello. It's me, Amy Glettel. You might remember me from the best ever episode

of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith.

I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News.

It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes.

It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glettel's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy!

Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.