Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 106: Josh Gondelman

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

New York-based stand-up and former ‘Last Week Tonight with John Oliver’ writer Josh Gondelman lives up to his reputation as the nicest man in comedy. Just wait till you hear his dessert…This episode was recorded pre-pandemic in February 2020.Listen to Josh Gondelman’s podcast ‘Make My Day’ on Apple and Spotify.Josh Gondelman’s book ‘Nice Try’ is out now. Buy it here.Follow Josh on Twitter @joshgondelmanFollow Josh’s Modern Seinfeld Twitter account @seinfeldtodayRecorded by Ben Williams and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Hello, Ed Gamble here. Sorry to interrupt the beginning of Off Menu, but I'm allowed because it's partly my podcast. But very excited to say that I'm going on a national tour in 2022. The show is called Electric. I'm very excited to show it to you and to be in front of real people again. That's going to be the most exciting thing. So please come and see it. If you don't come and see it, I will get the great Benito to work out so that you listen to the podcast and you haven't come to see me on tour. And he will block

you from the podcast. And he will love doing that because he is evil. Check out EdGamble.co.uk for tickets to my tour. Electric. I'm going all over the country. If I'm not going five minutes away from you, hey, travel 10 minutes. It's worth it. I promise. EdGamble.co.uk. Check out where I'm going on tour, buy some tickets, and I'll see you in 2022. Anyway, on with the show. Welcome to the podcast that resembles a steak tartare. It's raw and delicious. More different. Yeah, you like that? Yeah, yeah. It's absolutely fine. I'm always working off the top of my head for these because even though we've just recorded an intro for another podcast, I still forgot that I had to do this bit at the beginning.

Yeah, you absolutely did forget. I see it in your eyes. I'm always panicking. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. We're in New York City. We're in a natural bar, and that's where you can hear a coffee percolator in the background. Yeah, that wasn't me doing the sound effects. No, although you are very good at sound effects, aren't you? You're like the man from Police Academy. Yeah, and when I say like the man from Police Academy, I mean you're like Steve Gutenberg trying to do sound effects. Yes, yeah. He's coming to us. Not good at sound effects. No, not at all. He's good at very good at other stuff, but not a sound effect guy. What's your name? Oh, Ed Gamble. Sorry. I'm James Acaster. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. It's a food-based podcast

where we ask a special guest some simple questions. What are they, James? Their favorite ever starter main course dessert, side dish and drink. Indeed, and our special guest this week is the wonderful, wonderful comedian, Josh Gondelman. He is excellent. Oh, sorry. Just doing a very hissy fart. Josh Gondelman is a wonderful stand-up comedian. I've seen clips of his online. I've followed him on Twitter for many years. He's very funny on Twitter and turns out he's a lovely man. We've heard lots of rumors. We've been told by so many people, all we knew going into this interview is Josh Gondelman is the nicest man on the planet. Excellent. So, Josh Gondelman, despite being a nice man, we will be horrible to him if he says a secret ingredient which we have predetermined

before the interview. James, what is the secret ingredient this week? Chicken feet, Ed. Chicken feet. I don't think I've ever had chicken feet. Me neither. So, really, we've just been very now reminded about something that might be delicious. We are, but I don't want it. Yeah. I don't want to eat it. No. I guess it's, I mean, I don't know. Maybe I would still eat them and maybe I would like them, but personally, they give me the heebie-jeebies and I don't know. Maybe that's a bad thing. Maybe we should try chicken feet. Yeah. Maybe we should try them, but we really struggle to come up with secret ingredients on this podcast and so we're just going to say chicken feet because Josh Gondelman is so nice. We don't want to kick him out and we don't think he's going

to say chicken feet. Yeah, exactly. Right. Let's hope he doesn't say chicken feet. This is the off-menu menu of Josh Gondelman. Welcome, Josh Gondelman, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you so much for having me. Welcome, Josh Gondelman. We've been expecting you for some time. No. Wow. What do you think that sound effect was? I, were you appearing out of thin air? Yeah, pretty much. That's my first guess. That's a great guess. Thank you. Yes. Actually, I got some, it was originally going to be thin air, but I got in especially some fat air. Oh, that's good. I love, I prefer fat air personally. It tastes better. Tastes better. It's warmer to the touch. I love a fat, thick air. It's what it's about. Just there, you can take a slice off.

Yeah. Yeah. Lovely slice. So James is a genie. He's just appeared from some thick air. I have an amused bouche for you. Thank you. Obviously. I hate a bored bouche. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If my bouche isn't being entertained, it's like no thanks. Especially, you've just arrived at the restaurant. Yeah. You don't want any, any boredom in the bouche. No. Wait in there for you, stropping. You got to hit the bouche fast. You got to hit it hard. Tickle it. Tickle the bouche. Yes, straight away. Now, this is a new format point that you invented yesterday, James. Yeah, I just decided that we don't do enough amused bouches on this podcast. So what's the amused bouche? Pizza. Oh, a full pizza. Yes. A full pizza. Yes. Do I have to eat the whole thing? It's an

amused bouche. It's up to you. Absolutely. I thought you'd like pizza before you. Thank you. What, what kind of toppings are you talking about? Fish. Fish. Yes. Fascinating. Fish pizza. Like an anchovy? It's just all kinds of fish. Okay. Just like a bunch of different kinds of fish, but I didn't have time to cut any of them up. So they're all whole. Whole fish. But like, it's fish pizza. Shrooms of the shells on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're all there. The whole seabed on top of your lovely pizza. Thank you. It really sounded like an amused bouche. It sounds like it's going to make the bouche quite confused. Yeah. It's a confused bouche. Yeah. A confused bouche. That's quite nice. This is the number one podcast for confused bouche.

When you said you don't think you do enough amused bouche on the podcast, I still feel like however much you were doing, it's more than every other podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Amused bouche is a great name for this podcast. It's too late now, but... Yeah, we should have done that. Yeah. That would have been a really good name. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, well. Josh, are you a foodie? I'm, I like food. I don't, I'm not pretentious about it. I will, I have like, my taste is incredibly broad. Yeah. I eat most things and I'm like, that was pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. I like basically everything. I used to get teased at an old job because we would have, sometimes they would bring in lunch and some of the writers I worked with

would be like, this one isn't my favorite. And I'd be like, I don't know, it's lunch. So I'm going to do it. I'm eating it now. It's nice. Yeah. It's good. It's in my mouth. It's got textures, flavors, all the things I like in a food. So when people like, if you go on someone's house and they say, is there anything you don't eat? Yeah. And I always feel bad that I'm like, no, that's nothing. Yeah. Right. You want to give them something. Yeah. Yeah. They can be like, well, we'll take care of you. Yeah. I don't eat, I'm not into a tomato, like a big slice of tomato. Just raw. Raw tomato. Yeah. Yeah. I'll eat it in things. It's not, it doesn't put me off as an ingredient, but as like, as just a component, I'm not into like a, what's that salad that's just, it's not

even a salad. It's just basil and cheese and caprese. Yeah. That's the one. Yeah. I like two thirds of that. You can pick the, you can pick the cheese out quite easily. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It looks like the cheese has been raptured. I got into it again a couple of years ago, tomatoes. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When did you, when did you fall out with tomatoes? He's got bored of them. I don't see what the fuss is about. Why is it everywhere? You know, he didn't understand it. That's how I feel. It's in, it shows up in every sandwich. Yeah. Everywhere. Overhyped. But then I went to a chef's table restaurant. So it's one of the, one of the chefs from chef's table and I just wanted to go because of that

show. Yeah. And one of the dishes was this amazing tomato salad with like a tomato jelly as well that they had made and really made me appreciate the, like this, the flavor at the core of a tomato. Like, and I'd like take it for granted for so long and then suddenly made me see it all again in a new light and now I love it. Anytime there's any tomato in anything because it reminds me of that dish and I can find that hint of that flavor in there and it takes me back to chef's. You got a tomato piphany. I didn't have a tomato piphany actually. I love it. It was like, yeah, the tomato's been hot the whole time. It was exactly like that.

And we always start off with still or sparkling water, Josh. I go with still with a meal, please or tap if you have it. Even in a dream restaurant, I'm like, we should keep the cost down. Does it make you feel better? It does. Yeah, you feel bad if you're getting like paying for still water. Yeah, six dollars for just water, water. Sure. I always ask for tap as well, but I always feel bad when I do it like I'm a horrible piece of scum. But they don't, it's not harder for them. Yeah, but they, but they always say, do you want still or sparkling? And I'll go, they never say tap. No one ever offers tap. So then you have,

it's like a secret code. It's a hack where you have to say tap. I always worry that they think that when I ask for that, I will not be a good tipper. Yeah. That's the thing. They're like, oh, he's really cutting costs from word one. All tap, no tip. Because that's where he's, I was going to say, that's where you save money. Tap and tip. Tap and tip. TNT. Any consultant will tell you that. I like a still water with a lot of ice. I like my beverages as cold as possible at all times. How much ice? Because I don't want to, I don't want to come to your country and start flinging around accusations,

but I think Americans over ice. I over ice. You over ice. I prefer, I prefer, and I mean, I'm drinking iced coffee currently and in the, in the winter. I like it, not mostly ice, but enough. I like, I like it cold top to bottom. Yeah. Sometimes you get ice that's just on the top and the bottom is still room temperature. Sure. Yeah. That's not free. That's not nice. No, thank you. I work hard. I deserve the beverage in the temperature I prefer. You want it stacked. Oh yeah. Stacked. I don't need it dense, but I need it stacked. That's the word for it. Do you have ice in your home? Oh yeah. Always. If you come to my home, you will not be disappointed by a dearth of ice. You go to the freezer, it's in there.

Yeah, in the freezer. But yeah, do you have one of those little machines on the front of your freezer? No, it's on the inside though. So it makes it by itself. Yeah. And I, that's nice. And I take it for granted fully, like the tomato. Yeah, yeah. I just think it'll be there. Yeah, if one day I opened the freezer and it hadn't made it, I wouldn't know how to fix it. I'd be very disappointed. Wouldn't know how to call, who to call to get it fixed. And I would just drink warm beverages until I moved and just feel disappointed. But you'd move quickly, right? Yeah. You'd immediately put it in. I would tell my wife, I would say, honey, we're gonna get out of here. We have to move house preferably into an igloo. Yeah. So I could eat the walls.

A house that I could drink slowly. Yeah. It's my favorite Raymond Chandler shirt. I wouldn't know how to, who would you call to fix the ice machine? I guess, so we have a landlord and I guess I would call him, but then I don't know who he would call. Yeah. I call the company that makes the refrigerator. Is it a plumber? It's a water issue, but it's not really a pipe issue. Yeah. Or is it? It'd be weird if the plumber, if you have a plumber deal with ice as well, or just water. Just like good water. Yeah. Is there an ice plumber? And then a gaseous plumber. Look at a steam problem. That's going to be a different guy. An ice plumber. I like the thought of an ice plumber. Yeah. I think that's the good one. He

wears sunglasses because he's cool. He's really cool. Pop it up, it's all bread. Pop it up, it's all bread. Josh, pop it up, it's all bread. Oh, bread please. Bread please. Very polite as well. Very polite. We already knew Min Edd hadn't met you before, but your reputation precedes you as a polite, nice man. Thank you. That's very kind. I don't think I've ever heard one person get so many compliments before I've met them before. That's very kind. I appreciate that so much. I knew you would take it nicely like that. Well, I tried. How nicely you took it. I've been trying not to be like, like when people compliment, which, you know, happens from time to time, I try not to be one of those guys that's like, oh, you think, you think something nice about me?

You're a fucking idiot. Only an idiot would say something nice. It's the ultimate test is tell a nice person they're nice and then you get to see. Yeah, see how they really are. See the truth. I could just be really good at facades. Yeah. Just facades and jokes. But then if you've taken it that far, the nice facade, then you're basically nice, I think. Right. The facade is penetrating to the inside. If you don't show it to anyone, that you're a nasty person, they're just nice to everyone. I think you're nice. Yeah, that's not bad. Yeah, you've gone so deep undercover. Practically in the mob. Yeah, you're the godfather of nice.

Depends what you're doing in secret, though, I guess. If you've been nice to everyone, but you're poisoning everyone, that's not. Oh, that's not being nice to everyone. The facade is there. Yeah. Nice to everyone's faces, but then. And then poisoning them. Secretly poisoning us all. Killing them, not with kindness, but with poisonous ethics. Yeah. Sending the ice plumber around to their house. Yeah, he's got the sunglasses on because his eyes are shifting. He knows what he's doing, that ice plumber. Some people in the city,

New York has a reputation, but some people really yell at each other and stuff like that. And on night one, we saw some classic New York brashness. It's like they welcomed us to New York by having an argument outside our hotel. Like that's a concierge service. Yeah, could we have a New York argument outside the room, please? Two men arguing by a car. I assume one of them owns the car. I don't know what they're arguing about, but one of them was saying, you can suck my dick. You suck my dick. Bend over and suck my dick. Bend over and you suck my dick. That's a classic New York city insult. In England, by the way,

that'll get you punched in the face. Oh, yeah. In New York, that's kind of like the opening salvo in a negotiation. It's like, well, you want me to suck your dick? That's not really what I'm into right now. Let's see if we can reach a middle ground. Because there was no threat of violence. They were stood like quite far away from each other. The guy was just taking it and then, well, the worst comeback in the world. Worse, but also my favorite comeback I've heard. The guy went, why don't you get your wife to suck your dick? Not unfair. Which is like, why don't you and your wife share it? Yeah, we hardly know each other. This is too much given our relationship. I'm mad at you, so I'm definitely not going to do you

that kindness you're suggesting. Also, it was bend over and suck my dick. It's not even get on your knees. Yeah. It's like fully bend to the hips. Bend. The wife. I know you have back issues, so this is not going to be comfortable. We're in the street. I don't want you to put your knees in any dirt. Bend over. There might be puddles. Just bend over standing. We don't have the time. That sounds like something your wife should do, actually. This is a thing for the bedroom. This is not. Yeah. This is a private moment. You seem very lonely. And I can't dead. I can't meet your needs. So that was it. That was the opposite. Yes, absolutely. That's so funny. Yeah,

an opposite gondola. Yeah, obviously gondola. Yeah, this just did. And that's the sex position. It's the reverse gondola. A guy unsuccessfully demanding a stranger suck his dick. Yeah, well, I did it the way. So Brett, Brett, sorry. Brett, what bread would you like? I like, does a roll count as a bread? Yeah. Okay. So kind of some kind of like grain, whole grain roll, dark grain roll with, there's like a honey salted butter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The butter is the thing. Any soft bread will do. Really. Yeah. It's just a vehicle for the butter. That's going to be a theme through my meal, I think is a vehicle for butter. Yeah. But a vehicle. It's like, oh, they look good from far away, but a vehicle.

Just a horrible car. Have you had this honey salted butter anywhere in particular? Yeah, there was this place that closed. This is going to get wistful. My wife and I, we had this favorite restaurant. It was where our parents met each other. We took both of our parents out to meet at this restaurant called Rye in our old neighborhood. We lived in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And they just had the greatest butter. And my wife is diabetic. So she doesn't eat a lot of bread because it just turns right into the sugar, which is really, you know, she has to really calibrate carefully. Type one or type two? Type one. I'm type one. Oh, I didn't know that. I'm type one, but I've just eaten a cookie because I'm in New York.

Fuck my blood. New York City, baby. Suck my dick, blood. Bit over blood and suck my dick. So she, so, but she will, for the salted butter, this kind of sweet salted butter, she'll get, she used to get excited and would, you know, budget for that. Yeah. You've got to give some things a pass. Yeah, for sure. You can't live your life denying everything. No, agreed. And so it was terrific. And their restaurant has, has since closed and we, we miss it, but we don't, we don't live there anymore. We moved because our last eyes make her broke. So we're in a different neighborhood in Brooklyn now.

Did your wife fall in the Hudson? No. Now, just to let you know, Josh, this is a running joke where James claims that I got type one diabetes because I fell in the Thames. This is a good question. I thought it was interesting because like, I thought probably not the Thames, right? Because you, you, I don't live near it. So maybe it was the Hudson. Yeah. But I'm glad, I'm glad to hear that your wife coincidentally hasn't fallen in the Hudson because that would really like, that would back up his theories. I would have really landed on my feet there if she had a small sample size, but it really would have been happy.

If your wife had fallen in the Hudson, it would have done me a lot of favors in the long run on this podcast. Like I, I can see if you'll do it. She's very nice. Or else anybody of, if you could ask her if she's ever fallen in the body of water there, and then we can find out. Yeah, we can find out that. Yeah. And then, uh, because I'm trying to, it's for the good of everyone, really. If I find out, get to the root of it all. It's good research. Yep. I like, I like reminiscing about places that have closed. I think that's very nice. And like, um, I like it when people bring that to the podcast. Do you have like favorite, do you think about places that are closed often?

Yeah. There was a place in Auckland in New Zealand, uh, where, so I only go there once a year for the festival, the comedy festival, and there was a place called Honey Trap and they did this sandwich and it was the best, like beef brisket kind of sandwich with a, uh, there's this amazing coleslaw in it and pickles. My favorite sandwich ever. And, uh, it's shut. I also have a favorite beef brisket sandwich that at a place that no longer exists, a barbecue place in Boston called Soulfire. That's gone. I, talking about places that have closed is like the ultimate New York City pastime. And I think until, until you don't know, like until, until you have a favorite place that closed, that's, I think, when you become a real

New Yorker, every neighborhood, when you can point at any bank and just be like, ah, I used to get a tattoo there. That's like truly the New Yorkest thing of like, you just look at a thing that sucks and remember when it used to be good. And that's like, that's everybody's favorite hobby. It's it, which you can't recommend to tourists, right? You just have to be like, I guess go to the Whitney. Because you can't, you can't reminisce about a place you're visiting. Yeah. You need to stay here for a few months and see the full life cycle of a restaurant. Because that's what a lot of places like don't last long here, right? Because it's quite impressive if you manage to keep a restaurant going for a while. It's really impressive. There's a restaurant

in our neighborhood. I don't want to blow up their spot, but it's so bad. And it's been open for like six months. And we walk by it all the time and just go, this place, how, it must be a front. They must run numbers in the back, some kind of gambling program, because it's not, it's not enough to be, it's like, does this restaurant have rich parents? Like who pays its rent? That's when you know you're a bad restaurant. If you feel like such a, your food is so bad that you get investigated by the FBI, because it has to be a front. This can't be a real restaurant. No, what is it? What is it here? What are you trafficking? Have you been to the restaurant? Yes. Yeah. We've gone a couple of times. It's like, it's one of, it's like a coffee

shop and restaurant, but it only seats like four people, which is a red flag. That's not enough people to keep a restaurant open. Especially if you can go in and get a seat. Yes. Yeah. Right, right, right. There's never a lot. They're like, we'll take the table. It's open, sir. And, but they do prepared food. It's not just like a small, you know, it's not just a window coffee shop. It's like, they'll, they'll serve you a warm meal. And, and that's a bad sign. But it's like, well, we don't expect people to sit and eat in our restaurant. Yeah. I think, I think four seats. You've either a horrendous restaurant or you're the best restaurant. Right. There's a documentary about you. It's called Four Seats. They serve each person one quail egg.

Yeah. And they only have a landline. That's the only way you can make reservations online. Right. You call their phone. There's a, there's a sushi restaurant in London, where they've only got a landline, but they, they only, they put on their Twitter account. We have one seat remaining for five PM next Friday call now, and they plug in their landline. And as soon as they've booked it, they unplug their landline. That's incredible. That's so, oh, I hate how much I love it. I like wish I could just be like, well, I guess I'll never go there. And I'm like, oh, I want it so bad. I've never been there, but the only people, the only Twitter account I have notifications for is that whenever they tweet, I'm like, how, how often do they tweet?

Well, like, I'd say like once a week they tweet with like next week we've got one, one seat. And then they throw their phone out the window for a phone a week. Every time they tweet from to they call, they have a guy they call. They're like, do the tweet. I didn't plug the phone. Do you remember that when, when Twitter started, there's a thing you could text your tweets. Yeah. It was crazy. Yeah. I remember hearing about that. It was a literal game of telephone. We come to your starter. Yes. Exciting. Yes. The, the main show. Well, the start of the main show. Yeah. The start of the main show. For me, it's the main show.

Yeah. For Ed, it is. I love the starters. Do you have an all-time favorite? It's not about us. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Okay. Sorry. I don't mean to pry. Josh, keep your fucking nose out of our business. Okay. That facade started to slip. So I'm going to start with a particular salad. There's a restaurant called Rucola in Brooklyn that has this great salad. It's escarole, goat cheese, toasted almonds, and this light dressing. It's like a, I looked it up this morning. It's like a honey elder flower vinaigrette, but it's not too sweet and it's not too tangy and they don't overdo it. And it's just right.

I'm sometimes against a nut in a salad because it's hard to fork. You got to scoop it, right? You can't just spear it and all that, but it's so good. And it's like, I always like to start with, I eat the vegetables first whenever I'm eating, because then I will always have eaten the vegetables and it doesn't matter. Cause I know like if I get a steak or something and there's vegetables on the side and I start with the steak, it's like, you know, that spinach might linger. But if I start with the spinach, like I'll finish the steak. Yeah. There's no way you're going to get half of the steak and go, wow, I've overfilled myself on spinach.

Yeah. Oh boy. I should have thought this out better. Every time Josh, you're overfilled on spinach. They're like, stop eating so much spinach, you're going to fill up on spinach. And may I ask, this is another question for this meal. Is there an occasion? Cause I realized when I was thinking about it in advance, I was conceiving it as a last meal, which feels like a very American concept, right? Cause we still allow the state to execute people barbarically. And then we give them the last meal first. So I, at first I was thinking about that and then I was like, well, I guess I might as well

choose a meal that I would think afterwards I want to die and then I would die. But I've re-imagined it as a meal that I would, I would want to eat and then continue living. Yes. Yeah. Okay. So I think, you know, it's the dream restaurant. So it can be whatever you want it to be. The occasion can be whatever you want. I'm going to go continue living because it feels a little depressing to go like, my dream restaurant, they murder me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It'd be the worst. Yeah. I think, I think this is a continue living part of it. Yeah. One of the best. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They all continue living occasion. You would have to tip huge if they murdered you at the end of

the meal. What? Yeah. You would have to just give a real impressive tip. Oh, so they didn't murder you. Or if they, if you were like, well, you're going to have to murder me when I finish eating. Here's an extra $7,000. You're paying a hit, man. It's a chef slash hint. Bradley Cooper. Yeah. So you're thinking there, if you tip them big, they'll make it painless and quick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They'll dispose of it. It's just like, it's a lot of effort they have to go to. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. So you're starting with the salad, which is a lighter start. Because you're continuing living. I would like to continue living.

I love your reasoning for the, you know, being a bit cautious about having a nut in the salads, because it is difficult to scoop, but I do love nuts in salads. I love the texture of it and the taste. A walnut in a salad. A toasted walnut. Oh, so good. Oh, so good. Delicious. I put toasted walnuts on something the other day. I can't remember what I was cooking. All I remember is the walnut. Toasted too many walnuts and then just kept eating the walnuts. Just to fill in the walnut. Yeah. Just to be exactly okay about the other side of what happened. I always want to have a nut in every mouthful of salad though. If there's nuts in the salad, I don't want a mouthful without a nut. Same with the little goat cheese. I try to evenly

distribute the cheese throughout the bite. So this is another vehicle. Basically, this is another dairy vehicle, isn't it? It is. The cheese is good, but I do like the escarole, the dressing, the nuts. It all works together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's escarole? It's like a kind of a big floppy lettuce. Great. Yeah. I think that's how I would describe it. I thought, yeah, I thought lettuce. It's lettuce-esque. Lettuce-esque. Yeah. It's in the lettuce realm. That's why it's got escarole. The full name is lettuce-escarole. Love it. I like the sound of this very much. It's delicious. We've had a salad with nuts in it yet. When you first had that salad, were you like, this won't be that great?

Yeah. I was like, whatever. Yeah. I thought we should have salad. We were looking to split a salad. I was with my wife, Maris. We're looking to split a salad and we crossed off the ones that were objectionable to us for various reasons, too much tomato and the like. And then we were down, I think, between this and one other one. We said, oh, we could take a chance on this. And it is like all-time favorite salad. Yeah. I mean, having a salad, I usually just do it for, you know, conscience. Yeah. I feel better. Exactly. Gilt purposes. When you stumble across a good one. That is exciting. It's a gift. Yeah. You find a secret because you've gone to a corner of the menu, no one with, you know, an actual appetite for good times would go. It's like dust all over

the salad, but you have to blow the dust off. Is this going to teach me how to win the Game of Thrones? You read the salad out loud and you invoke a demon. I'd love it though, that kind of stuff. You'd love the salad, demon. I'd love to open like a menu and there's like a treasure map in there. Yeah. Like, I would love to find a treasure map so much. Oh, it would be so great. Yeah. I would even love one of those if you turn around the picture and on the back, there's like a priceless work of art. Oh, yeah. You know, like you're like, oh, embedded in the picture frame, you scratch it and it's like, oh, this was painted by Picasso himself or whatever. Any kind of, any kind of fancy secret. Any secret. A bookcase that you pull the book. I'd love that. Just once. Once. I lived in

the house when I was at university and we found out there was an extra room in the house that was bricked over. So there's like a window that we couldn't work out where the window went and there was like a wall in front of it, a little extra room. You went in the secret room. Yeah, there's nothing in there. Here's a question. Go on. I wouldn't ask this if it wasn't during your university days. Go on. Did you have a wank in the room? No. I didn't wank in the secret room. No. No. I wonder what kind of secrets are in there. I think most students would probably have a wank. Do you think most students, the first thing they do if they found a secret room would be have a wank? Well, no one's going to find you in there. It's a secret room. It is a secret room. Yeah,

but we would have to, I'd have to break down a wall because there wasn't a door to it. So I'd have to like break down a wall, which everyone would hear. It's like a horny Kool-Aid man. There'd be no way of blocking that off then. So then they'd come in and I'd just be wanking in some rubble. It'd be the saddest thing. They'd go, oh, we see what's happening. Oh, we've already done that. Yeah, yeah. We tried. I've been put in path. Yeah, yeah. Very carefully building, learning how to do mortar work. Remember this and about the wank or the build in the wall. I hope we haven't affected your appetite now. No, that's okay. Without wank talks. We're going to talk about your main course now. So that salad was really teachable, nice to essentially do

whatever you like, like in terms of, in terms of, you know, I'm setting myself up for, yeah, just to run, run wild during the meal. And it's, I'm still going to keep it pretty simple because again, I'm going to want to live afterwards. So I think we go lobster roll, which is also in effect a vehicle for, for butter. Oh yeah. And lobster. Yeah. The lobster, the lobster headlines the role. The butter isn't even mentioned. It's like a cameo. It shows up during the credits. But yeah, I, I love, I love a lobster roll. I grew up in, in Massachusetts, which is lobster roll country, I think. And they, so there's two kinds. There's the kind with the cold kind with mayonnaise and the warm kind with butter, which I think is the, the preferable kind.

Yes, the king. Yeah. That's a good lobster roll. And, and you kind of, you get it at a place where I feel like there's places you go at the beach where you're like, I had like a lobster roll, and you're like $23. And then you see how much it is. And it's like an entire fleet of lobsters has perished for the one roll. And people say, you know, like there are people who go, well, it's like a cockroach, right? It's like eating a cockroach of the sea. They, they should try to harsh your good time. Like to me, that just makes it sound like maybe cockroaches are also delicious because lobsters are so good. Why are we not eating cockroaches? Yeah. And it's, I've never had a lobster like crawl out from behind my refrigerator, you know,

it's just a different relationship with them. Cockroaches can survive anything, right? So you'd try and steam them like a lobster and they'd just like run off. Yeah. Yeah. Just little butter tracks. Thanks for the free butter losers. Bend way over and suck my dick. Bend down as far as you possibly can. Suck my tiny little cockroach dick. So the lobster roll I think is where, that's where, that's the main, main course. So it's not too heavy, but it's certainly, it's a little decadent. Is there a specific place from Massachusetts? There's a few places. My, my family used to go to this place called Woodmans, which is like up on the North Shore of Massachusetts. And they would have you sit outside at picnic benches and get all sorts of seafood.

You get lobster and steamed clams and mussels and all that. And I very fond memories of it. And I don't go back that much in the summer. So I've like, I always miss out, but it's like, I will routinely get my parents a gift certificate there because I know they'll go there anyway during the summer. And so I'm like, here, enjoy this meal you were, you were planning to have. That's like a nice meal out because otherwise I like, I really spin out buying a gift. We've gone, my family has gone on to a restaurant gift certificate based gift giving system, primarily. And I think I've initiated that. That's such a good decision. It feels terrific. It's so good because there's some places around where I live that, you know, it's a little fancy

to just go. And if we don't think about it in time for like, Oh, it's my birthday. Oh, they're already booked. You know, I guess we'll go next year. And to go like, Oh, I'm going to get a gift certificate there. So it's top of mind. And then lock down a reservation. Very nice. That's fair. I do like that. Yeah, that's really good. That's really good. As you get older, just it's more about time spent with each other than it is. Yeah, for sure. Brilliant. And it's also like, I don't need that much stuff. Yeah. And my parents don't like the same stuff that I do. So like, I'd be like, Hey, this is pretty cool. And they're like, we don't need these high top Jordan. My mom was like, I'm not going to wear those. Okay, I'll take them back then.

Yeah, sure. They are conveniently my size. Men's 10. I don't know why that was my guess for you. I also like that you've chosen the lobster roll and not a lobster because I am of the opinion that it is better. And I don't really understand when people buy lobster and they spend ages like being a surgeon and trying to eat it like that. And it's just a mess. And I think just put it all in a roll and have a good time. It's an easier time. I do like kind of cracking it open, but that feels not in a restaurant. It feels like, you know, everybody else is like eating chicken with a fork and a knife, and you're just ripping into it. Like it murdered your family. You're just like tearing it limb from limb. And it just feels like really barbaric to do it while

other people, like if everybody's doing that, it's fine. But if you're, if you're the only one performing that kind of like amateur surgeries, you're saying it's like a little ugly. I quite like it. I like cracking into the lobster. I like any food where they have to bring you a bib. Yeah. I'm a big fan of that where they're like, we know you're going to get messy. All bets are off. Put this child's bib on. You get barbecue ribs. They bring you like those, the wet naps before the meal starts. You're going to get extra dirty. Like you have napkins. You're going to need more. I don't like cracking them open because I think that I'm going to get a shard of like claw in my meat. Like that's what I worry about. I worry that I'm going to have a

little horrible little shard. What do you worry the shard will do? I just don't want it in my mouth. Just feels hot. The thought of it is horrible. That's a confused bush, isn't it? Yeah, that's a very confused. Just, just the shards. Imagine someone bought that out before a meal. I would call it a refuse. We haven't met in so many bushes today. There's so many different types of bushes. We're going to bush pioneers. We're bushin' ears. Have you ever chosen your lobster? I have. What was it like? What do you look for in a lobster while still alive? Size is one. Yeah. That's most of it because I don't know what else makes it delicious. Fight? Like, right. If it's friskier, is that going to be, am I just like,

like the spirit of that one? Like that feels, feels very warlord-like. Yeah, it does. Yeah. But the whole thing feels quite warlord-like anyway. Oh yeah, for sure. Tear it open with your hands. Yeah. You shall die. Yeah. Just pointing at it in the tank. What would you do if you looked in the tank of lobster and there's the biggest plumpest one and you knew you wanted it and you're about to point it and as you're about to point it, it looks at you in waves. Oh. Waves of its claw. Like, really like nice, sweetly waves at you. Good to meet you. Yeah, yeah. Are we gonna, are we vibing? Is this something? Okay, I'll come and meet you, but you gotta promise. I thought you were going to say, what would you do if you looked in it and it had your face?

Oh, that would be very bad. I would try to, I think I would offer them a sum of money to give it to me, to Naughty. Yeah. If it had my face. Because you'd need that, you'd need that lobster as a pet if you- Yeah, or a, or a just a body double. Yeah. The way Saddam Hussein used to have. Send it into work. I'm not sure you'd fool the government. No, that's true. But go, Josh Gunderman's going to be at this event today. He appears to have a lobster's body. Yeah. Well, we can't shoot him. Might as well boil him. We're going to trick him into a pot. You definitely need it. Yeah. If you saw a lobster with your face, that, yeah. Someone said, do you have any pets? I thought you were going to say, if you were about to point at the

lobster and it pointed at you and then it would have to defeat it in single combat. Oh yeah. That would be scary. Very scary. All those options, I think would put me off in the lobster, actually. Yeah. Yeah. All of them. I would be like, I'll just stick with the salad. Yeah. Just double salads, please. There's a little chain in London called burger and lobster, which when it, when it opened with the, it was basically on the menu was only a burger, like lobster that you have to crack and a lobster roll and it was like 20 pounds. They have that here too. Oh, do they? But they've expanded the menu a little bit. Yeah. Which I missed the original menu. I thought that was so fun. Yeah. Just three choices.

Yeah. And that lobster roll was the first lobster roll I ever had, and it's still maybe my favorite lobster roll. I do go pretty nuts for it. Really nice. But yeah, they expanded the menu too much. They had a burger that they put lobster in it. Yep. And I was like, I'm having that. That's right on my street. And then that's too much. It was too much. It was too much. I think that this end up just like basically has been a normal restaurant, but with the longest name in the world. Yeah. And lobster and lasagna and quiche and coleslaw and corn on the cob. And we definitely have dessert. Don't think we don't have dessert because we didn't say dessert yet. Yeah. And drinks.

And there we go. Well, you're not going to go thirsty in this restaurant. That's all part of the name in print. And tables and chairs. And good service. Yeah. A warm welcome. And a mousse bouche. And a fused bouche. A good fused bouche. Your side dish, let's go with this. I mean, so are you picking a side dish based on your main? I am. I'm going to go a thin french fry. Or not one. Like a very long one. Yeah, just one that I'm going to, like a long, like a Cruella de Vil cigarette. But yeah, skinny french fries that you can dunk like three at a time in a ketchup. I like to, because at burger and lobster, they bring along the lobster roll. They have the fries

there in like a big cup. And then they have the butter boat with the butter in it that you can pour in your lobster roll. I like to pour a bit of that butter over the fries. Yeah. Very luxurious. Yes. That's like a dream restaurant meal that you can have in real life. But I almost, for my main, I almost went with a fictional food. But I never tried it, so I didn't know if it would be worth using my dream on. I almost went with the chicken from the chicken restaurant in Breaking Bad. Because people love it so much, they didn't notice that they're making meth downstairs. This is the best chicken anyone's ever imagined. That restaurant near you really needs to take a leaf out of that book. Yeah, for sure. If we're going to cover this up, we need to make the food

better. People are going to catch on to our four chair restaurants. That's one of those things where like when Breaking Bad first came out, people would like, all the merch came out, but none of it said Breaking Bad on it. So you had to have seen Breaking Bad to know the merch. So like the Heisenberg drawing or the chicken. And then you'd see it be like, oh, cool. That person's really cool. And now I see people with that t-shirt on like future. I had that chicken t-shirt for. What's the name of the restaurant in it? Poisoner Manas, right? Because it was, yeah, I'll play a loco, I said, but that's a real place. We could just have that. Yeah, right. We were in a couple of years ago into a wedding in

Albuquerque, New Mexico, and they are still riding that Breaking Bad train hard. They have like rock candy meth, like meth, rock candy, gift shops, and like hats and t-shirts. It's all over the place. I feel like they've not taken like the morals from Breaking Bad necessarily. Right. No, no, no. They've come away with completely the wrong thing. Just the aesthetic. Yeah. They'd be like, the meth, we sell the meth to kids. That's cool. Making it blue. It tastes delicious. Yeah. You can't put it down. It's really good stuff. You guys all like meth. Like, hey, kids, remember, if you see a lady, you don't sleep, vomited and choked on her vomit, just leave it. Don't get involved. That's the bottom.

We sell edible cans of that vomit. You could rehearse the scene. It's that vomit. She's dead now. Jesse doesn't know. Don't tell him. You can't tell him. It's like they have a Breaking Bad amusement park and one of the rides is you just let a lady die. It's very bleak. Not a lot of fun. You drink your vomit from a can. This says, don't tell Jesse on it. Don't tell Jesse, bring a lady vomit. You throw me a hot can. It wouldn't fizz when it would just go like. Very bad. So you nearly chose the chicken. I nearly chose the chicken that doesn't even exist.

Fictional food is some stuff you kind of like think I would like to know that. That's like the number one fictional food for me. I'm sure there are others. I used to think, I think this is well-trod territory, but in The Lion and the Witch and the Wardrobe books, they're all into Turkish delight, which I thought was fictional, but is real and not good. And they wish it were fictional. Absolutely. Big disappointment. I think we've spoken about it on an episode before. That's how much everyone feels the same about this. Yeah, because it sounds so amazing. And because Edmund's all wrapped up warm in this,

in the witch's sleigh, and then has some touch. Oh, looks amazing. That's what that is? Yeah, it's just like. I think I must have imagined it as like, you know, this sweet that kind of makes you feel the way the hot chocolate makes you feel. Yeah. So like there has that kind of effect on you. Like the proper Willy Wonka stuff. It's like if popcorn were called the Pharaoh's gift. There's a better name for this. I think we should call this don't tell Jesse.

That's how I feel. I actually think real soup dumplings were ruined for me because I saw Spirited Away before I had soup dumplings. And the soup dumplings in that film are like bags. They're like huge types of soup and they're like slurping them in. And then you actually have a soup dumpling and there's like a teaspoon of soup in there or something. They're still good, but they're ruined by the movie for sure. Or at least yeah. The food in that movie is crazy. That's my dream fictional food. That's how someone described, I might have said this on the podcast before, but I was going for a meal with some friends and it was the Chinese restaurant near their house.

And they said it's really good. And I was like, well, like what kind of stuff. And then they said, here's how good it is. The food tastes like the food in Spirited Away looks. That's an incredible restaurant. We hadn't had that chat before. They didn't know that I think that that food looks amazing. But I think again, that's just taken as a given that everyone sees that film and goes, I wish food was like that. Also, we're ignoring the fact that they eat that food and they turn into pigs. Just too busy looking at the food going, I would happily turn into a pig for that food.

I would turn into a pig with my face and then walk around and turn up to meet it. I've still turned up to meet it. I keep my appointments. Right. I would say, just because you're a pig doesn't give you an excuse to blow off obligations. Also, you know, you turn up to the meeting and the guy you're having the meeting with is also a pig. You'd be like, you have those soup dumplings? Yeah. Yeah. I don't have.

I don't have. I don't have. I don't have. I don't have. This is my accountant. He's a lobster with my face also. I met him in a restaurant. So that's the fries with the lobster. Just a natural pairing.

I feel like in the States as well, I don't think we have this much in place in the UK, a real nest of fries. Yeah. Very good at doing like a big nest. Yeah. A lie that I tell myself frequently is, I won't finish all those fries. Yeah. And then I finish all those fries.

Yeah. If I leave three behind, I'm like a model of restraint. I'm Dwayne The Rock Johnson. I just think every French fry I don't eat is one ab that I'm growing. Yeah. Yeah. That's how it works. That's the maths. He, I mean, I would like him as a guest on the podcast, but I don't think, I don't know if he would do it, but like, I would like to know what he would choose

and what he eats because I can only imagine. He eats a lot of fish. I know because it's like lean protein. Yeah. A lot of fish. Oh, well, I have a pizza he might like. In that case. Do you think you get on with him?

I bet he seems very genial. He seems like one of those famous people that's like nice as kind of a general rule and not like when the cameras are off, he's like, oh, you know, the rock is cooking. It's get the big heap and get the fuck out of here. Well, it's no, but we've now found out that what the rock is cooking is fish. Yeah. Can you smell what the rock is cooking? It's like, yeah.

And you shouldn't be cooking it in communal areas because fish stinks. And it's really anti-social. Yeah. Make the best of things, stick of fish. This is an office microwave, Dwayne Johnson. We all smell your cooking. Get your haddock out of that office microwave. Andy says, no, no, your rolls.

He does. No, your lobster rolls. No, you learn. No, your lobster rolls. Yeah. Maybe he was talking to you, Josh. Dwayne the Rock Lobster Johnson. Yeah.

That's what it's short for. Yeah. The deadest job for Rock Lobster. That's an interesting abbreviation. I'd love it if the rock was short for something. Yeah. Short for Rock Lobster. Short for Baroque?

Yeah. Do we have Baroque Johnson? It was too much for me. Yeah, it didn't look like I was going to play with it. I don't like to show you any things. Too fancy. You're going to put yourself back. You're still dressed as a conductor.

They're not going to get it, Dwayne. Okay, we'll have to do something about the name. What, are they fucking Pilchants? The Pilchants today, you shitting me, Dwayne? So, we come to your drink now. Yeah. Now, since everything so far has complimented each other, I kind of feel like you're going to go in that kind of,

continue down that road. I think so. That road. This is, this I think goes, it's not the most natural pairing, but I think it works, is I love a dirty vodka martini with, I had one of these the other night,

and every time it's offered to me, I react as if I've never heard of such a wonderful thing, because I feel that way. Is a dirty vodka martini with blue cheese stuffed olives? Oh my God. What? Yeah. Oh yeah.

What? I have never heard of that. It's so good. I am fully on board. Oh, it's so good. What? I love it. This sounds crazy.

You're putting cheese in your drink. I see, again, another vehicle for Dairy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not the Dairy's name. It's not the Matic. The last place I thought it was going to crop up as well. Here it is. Where did you have that?

There's a few places. Is it a bar in Chicago? This week. Occasionally, a steakhouse will have it. That's the previous time I'd had it, too. I was out with my wife and I took my parents out to dinner in Boston. I think Beauty Bar on 14th Street might have them.

That's, I think, where I had them the first time. There's a unit for an extra dollar. You shove some blue cheese in those olives. And I was like, I bargained it twice the price. Or however much the difference. Even it was $3. It's such a nice treat, because it complements kind of the salty, savory, olive-y taste,

and it doesn't leak out. They pack it in. Well, I was going to say. Yeah. No, you don't want cheese floating in your drink. I wouldn't mind that either, to be honest. They'd like it. You know, I wouldn't throw it out.

I wouldn't choose a floating cheese. No, no, no. But if it popped out the olive, I'm not going to complain. No, I'm not trying to skim it. Yeah, yeah. Like a dirty swimming pool. But it is so good. And it's so salty and savory and a real olive-y vodka martini.

I feel like that just sounds like gout in a drink. Yeah, yeah. It just really feels like such an old-school thing to do. Yeah, totally. King would drink it. Yeah, King would drink it definitely. Or in Mad Men. Yes.

Right before you lost the use of your legs from the waist down, you just drink it and then they stop working. Or just a seize up with gout pain. You're like, I deserve this. I feel the wealth coursing through my veins. I've had a dirty oyster martini before. I heard, that sounds incredible. Yeah, that was incredible as well.

This is my wife's story. But I hope she doesn't mind me telling it. She went to a bar opening that was, the bar was owned by Bill Murray's son, and Bill Murray was bartending. And she said, what do you want? And she said, what do you recommend? And he said, I like to pour rosé into an oyster.

And she said, all right. And so he did. And she tried it and it was bad. At this point, I think Bill Murray's just really struggling with new and exciting ways to have an impact on people's lives. We also, separately, about two weeks ago, were in a restaurant. A friend was visiting from out of town,

and we were at a, she likes to go to this fancy place on the Upper East Side. And we went to have dinner with her there. And we saw Bill Murray across the restaurant just acting normal. And we were like, that's the story. We got the real goods. But if he'd spotted you looking at it,

he was like, oh, God, I'm going to have to do something crazy right now. I've already done rosé to the oyster shell. He puts a sock in his hands, starts eating his food with a sock. Bill Murray, your life is a prison of your own creation. I'm going to have to do, I'm getting this in a clam shell. Run out of stuff.

Just waterboard a lobster head with tequila. Is that anything? I'm out of ideas. I'm going to have to check Reddit tomorrow to see if anyone saw me do this. Just crying as he's doing it. Do you all notice me now? Please tell everyone you saw me.

I'm crazy. I was in original Ghostbusters. The name's Bill. Oh, that's the saddest thing he's shown me. My little wrist. My name's Bill. Not being recognized. Imagine Bill Murray doing that, not being recognized.

He just takes a roll off your plate and takes a bite out of it and wakes up. You're like, hey, what the fuck was that? My name's Bill. I don't care if your name is Mom. Get out of here. Bend down at the waist. Oh, Bill Murray.

Before we move on from the drink, how many olives are in there and when are you eating them? Three. And I paste them throughout in the walnut style. Try to even it out. So I'll drink. I don't start with an olive. I drink about a third and eat.

And then either I'll eat the last one right before I finish or right after I finish the drink. Are you able, when you have ordered this drink, to drink it in peace without people going, well, they're fucking blue cheeses up? And questioning you about it. I've never been accosted about it before. But I think if someone did, I would be like,

yeah, you got to get on this train. Yeah, try it. Yeah, this is, I would be delighted. That's immediately gone to the top of the list of things I have to find. I think Beauty Bar has it, which is like not, it's not hard. You know, it's not like a place you have to make

reservations or anything. You just kind of go in and they do manicures and stuff. That's, it's like a cute place. Yeah. Amazing. We should go get a manicure and a martini. I mean, I don't want either of those things, but I'm going to do them.

I'll happily do it for the New Yorkers. I'll do that. I'll drink that and have my nails done. Classic New York City. That's what New York City is all about. Get your nails done, drink in a martini with cheese. Just a weird impression. Oh yeah.

I did all the standard touristy things. I had my cheese martini, and got my nails done at the same time. Stand on the couch with Josh's dog. Just the Josh Conventor of New York City. People walking past the nail bar going, I remember that used to be a crash. Your dessert now.

So very exciting for me, but also I'm a bit scared because I get very, sometimes people order sweet things that aren't sweet for dessert. I'm very passionate about dessert. Really? But you've had quite a lot of, you've snuck cheese already where I thought there wasn't going to be cheese. Not even a cheesecake.

There's no cheese in my dessert. I'm not one of those people that's like, we'll get a cheese plate with some apple slices, and that's dessert. That drives James crazy. I go crazy. I fully understand that. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Are you a cheese dessert person? I like it, but also you're going to be able to associate with this because your wife's type one diabetic. Sometimes if you want something, you're still hungry. It's just easier sometimes. That's true. Admin-wise, they get a bit of cheese.

You don't have to do any insulin for it really. Absolutely. Yeah. But then. Right. High-fat low sugar. Yeah, I also enjoy dessert as well, but sometimes I order cheese just to annoy James.

It works every time. Very effective. Yeah. I know he's doing it to annoy me, and I shouldn't give him the satisfaction. Straight away. I'll go through the roof, Josh. I'll go through the roof.

So I'm torn. One thing is, we have a great family recipe. For apple pie, which is great, warm with vanilla ice cream. And I have a real nostalgia for it. When I was a child, I didn't like the soft apples. And so my uncle, who had celiac, couldn't eat the crust. So he would eat the apples, and I would eat the crust, which is a very warm childhood memory.

Yeah. And so that's one thing. The other one, and I don't generally like other apple pies, it's just the family recipe is my favorite. But the other one is, if my wife is here, if I'm eating solo, that's what I'll indulge her. I'll ask your genie powers to indulge me this family recipe for apple pie.

If my wife isn't me, we didn't talk about the rest of her meal. But I know the ideal would be for dessert. One of the two ideal, this is what we would get, is one of those molten chocolate lava cakes. That's like a cake with a warm chocolate on the inside. And like two times a year, she will have that, like on our anniversary and her birthday, she'll take extra insulin and have that.

And the look on her face when she eats like their twice yearly molten chocolate lava cake is one of my favorite times of the whole year. So that's where I'll go with dessert. That's so very sweet. Thank you. That's so nice. You picked your dessert for the look on your wife's face.

It's my favorite. I think about it often, and I make sure that when we order it, I go, I got to watch her. I try not to be a creep. This is like, huh? Yeah, eat the cake. But I do, I do kind of out of the corner, I'll be eating, but like really looking at what she's doing.

That's so nice. Yeah, I figured to yourself, this cake tastes disgusted, but look at how happy she is. She doesn't know she only has cake twice a year. Yeah, she has no idea. That's cake is dog shit. I believe I've literate that cake. All I wanted was my apple pie crust.

That was my dream. Just wanted an empty pie crust. She never looks at my face when I eat my empty pie crust. She can't even make eye contact. She's so ashamed of me. See, this isn't the Great Depression. You can eat the whole slice. You don't have to save the apples in a bag for later

to feed to a starving horse. Thank God I found that sacred room in my house so I can eat the pie crust in peace. A man who knows? You can make a whole film about it. That's very nice. I mean, yeah, that's very nice that you get to see your wife enjoying the chocolate molten love cake.

Also, this morning on our way here, we were talking about how we think that's probably been the most chosen dessert on the boat. The molten chocolate is very popular. Everyone else hasn't said the same reason. Yeah. They like to watch my wife eating these motherfuckers. Nobody watches my wife eating cake.

Everyone has been like, so first of all, chocolate molten love cake, and I know this guy's about to say him, but bring Godwoman's wife in. Get his wife in. He's so nice, he won't mind. Yeah, it's her birthday. All these meals take place on my wife's birthday.

Everyone just always says it's your wife's birthday. So you're in the Dream Restaurant, it's September 5th. The insulin is flowing. The insulin comes down low, it's sort of frozen vodka loose. Oh, that'd be great. I'd like that. Is there a place in New York that does the best molten love cake?

You know, I don't remember of him. I should look it up and let you guys know if you wanted to have it. This is going to become an obsession now, because I don't know what order these episodes are going to go out in, who knows. I hope that the listeners appreciate that. We don't know, but all we can talk about

is what's happened in our lives so far. And this is the second episode we've done in New York. First one was with Catherine Cohen. Oh, wonderful. She also chose chocolate molten love cake as dessert. Fascinating. We asked her where the best one is in New York. She didn't know.

Wow. So this is now, now it's two for two. I'm becoming quite obsessed with finding the best chocolate molten love cake in New York. I really want to know what it is now. I have another quick question before we read the order back. Where would you recommend one place to go and eat in New York that we could go

and we'll follow up on it? Oh, let me think. Are there things that you've been like, oh, I really need to get this slime in town? I kind of want to try some new places, really. As I've said, this is a stay-in-the-life meal. You get to continue to be in a live outfit, but imagine people are like, this is it?

Right, right, right, right. You can go, it's your last meal, but you have to go to a particular place. Mission Chinese was a great choice so far. I would say there's a really, I don't know if it's the best place, but I've always been really happy with, we have pho and banh mi at this place

called Saigon Shaq on McDougal Street. And that's a fun spot. That's cool, we haven't got anything like that planned. Yep, let's do it. So thank you very much. You're welcome. Now, read your back to your order. Tell me how you feel about it, see how you feel.

A water, tap water, absolutely. Loads of rice. Thank you. Pop it on the bread, you chose a whole grain roll with honey salted butter. Starter escrow salad from Rucola. Main lobster roll. Loads of butter.

Side thin french fries with ketchup. Your drink, a dirty vodka martini with blue cheese stuffed olives times three. Dessert, chocolate molten love cake on your wife's birthday with a good view of her face. I hate when she obscures her face. That's no fun for me if you don't look at me. Behind kind of a fan or something.

Does it, when you call in book you have to say, I'd like the table with the best view of my wife's face. Oh, so I think because... She eats across the room also. Yeah, she eats across the room. Your binoculars. Yeah, her birthday is the only time she turns her chair around.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, get a good look, you happiness perv. Oh, I bet you wish you were in the secret room right now. I'm sorry, Andrew, I'm doing what you were saying. No, well, I think because you've chosen such a nice reason for your dessert, I think it would be nice at the restaurant if we throw in the pie crust and even the breaking bad chicken. Yes, thank you.

There we go, you can have that. This is a dream. Yeah, that's a lesson for everybody. Maybe if we all thought about others a bit more, we'd get a pie crust. We'd all get some pie crust and some fictional chicken. Thanks so much for coming to the restaurant, Josh. Thank you for having me. This was so much fun.

There we are then, the off menu menu of Josh Gondelman. Yum-yum-yum. Yum-yum-yum indeed. What a lovely guy. What a funny man. And what a great episode. Oh, it had it all. Well, what it didn't have was chicken feet.

Thank you, Josh. Otherwise, I would have had to send him out on his little chicken feet. That would have broken my heart. Oh, I would have felt really bad if he was like, oh, I sort of have a chocolate pudding and see my wife's face. Also, it's had a chicken feet. Get the fuck out of our restaurant, Josh. I would have felt really bad.

What's your wife's face going to do when she finds out you were kicked out of the dream restaurant? Scuttle away in your little claws, Josh. Yeah, I would have felt so awful because I would have had to have said all that stuff. Yeah, yeah, as well. Yeah, James gets nasty when he kicks people out of the restaurant. But not Josh Gondelman. We kept him in.

I'm so happy. He's a great guy. He is a great guy. If you like the sound of Josh and who wouldn't, go and check him out on Twitter. He's at Josh Gondelman. He also runs the very funny Seinfeld Today Twitter account, which is at Seinfeld Today.

Yes, one of the few things I miss about Twitter. And if you go onto YouTube, there's lots of clips that he's done on sort of late night talk shows. He's very funny. He also has a stand-up comedy album called Dancing on a Weeknight, which is very, very funny indeed. And he writes and produces on a show called Deezus and Miro and used to work on last week tonight.

His CV is huge. Oh, that is impressive. And now he's been on the Off Menu podcast. Add that to the CV, Josh. Exactly. We should try and convince him to come and do a run in London. I think he'd go down very well. Yes, people would love him.

They would indeed. Well, keep bothering him on Twitter to come to London, if that's where you're listening. But otherwise, thank you very much for listening. I love you so much. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hello, I'm Lou Sanders.

And if you've enjoyed this podcast, you might like my podcast, Cuddle Club. It's about cuddling, yes. But really, it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions like who is your mom's favorite and when we last unfaithful. Previous guests include Alan Davies, Ashtonine B, Katherine Mayan, Rich Desmond,

Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar, and other legends. Get it on A-Cast, Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your all podcasts. And remember to CC everybody in if CC stands for Cuddle Club. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato.

And our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing.

It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them, crimes. It's all kicking off.

And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it?

Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.