Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 110: Ross Kemp

Episode Date: July 21, 2021

Finally, the documentary everyone’s been waiting for: Ross Kemp On Food. The Bafta-winning journalist, documentary maker, actor, podcaster and, of course, Eastenders’ Grant Mitchell joins Ed and James for a meal in a dream restaurant. But who’s the toughest?Listen to Ross Kemp’s podcast ‘The Kempcast’ on Apple Podcasts, Acast, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.Follow Ross Kemp on Twitter @rosskemp and Instagram @rosskemptvExtra tickets for Off Menu Live at London’s Royal Festival Hall go on sale Thu 22 July at 10am from southbankcentre.co.ukRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Dicing, chat into tiny little cubes. No, it's not good, is it, James? Oh, that was bad. I knew the general area it was going to be in. And then I ran out halfway through. That was maybe the weakest one. Yeah, it was definitely. We've ever had. Because I think you've talked about dicing stuff before. Yeah. Well, what else am I going to do now? Come on. Yeah, it's hard, isn't it? Yeah. It's hard. You've made your bed. Oh, hang on. Pouring the sugar of fun into the heated tin of the internet and

making the candy floss of content. Now, that is much better. I may be thinking a bit more as a drum, heated drum. What was it? A heated tin, did I say? Tin. You said a heated tin. More of a drum. More of a drum. But otherwise, that's good. And getting the internet involved. You rarely get the internet involved. You always normally focus on chat and fun. Humour. But you don't often remember that this is an online thing and you can get the internet involved. So that's a new string to your bow now when it comes to this. Well, you know it's an online thing. It's a new string to your bow. Yeah, well, I've just learned it from you said it just then. I assume it's true. That the internet's involved. Do you want to

tell everyone what this is, James? Yes. As far as I know, this is the Off-Megu podcast. We've got a dream restaurant. Ed's the matriodee. I am a genie. And we invite a new guest in every week and we ask them their favourite ever starter, main course, side dish, drink, dessert to make their dream meal. And this week, our very special guest in the dream restaurant is Ross Kemp. Ross Kemp. Ross Kemp. It's Ross Kemp. It's Ross Kemp. It's Ross Kemp. The actor, the documentarian. I mean, it's Ross Kemp, National Treasure. That's what I'm about to say. Those are about to be the two words out. The next two words out my mouth, Ed. National Treasure. That's what I was about to say. You'll know him from everything.

Well, no specific things actually. EastEnders, Ross Kemp on gangs, my favourite TV show at university, Ultimate Force, which I'm not sure I'm going to get a chance to bring up with Ross because I'll absolutely fanboy. We had a TV that the Arial didn't work on so we couldn't get regular TV. We only had a small collection of DVDs and one of those DVDs was the Ultimate Force box set. In one episode, he catches a machete in midair and in one movement, slices off a man's head. What? See, I was still thinking about his documentary, so I haven't seen Ultimate Force. Oh, mate, you've got to watch Ultimate Force. It is phenomenal. What? He killed someone? We're going to interview this guy. No, he

has not killed anyone in real life, but he has spoken to a lot of people who have killed other people in real life. He has done. What a life. I mean, I don't think we've had a guest on the podcast who's spoken to as many killers before. Correct. So this will be interested. Will that influence the food choices? Who knows? And look, Ross Kemp is no stranger to podcasts. He has his own podcast, the Kempcast, where he chats with interesting people and chats about their lives and their stories and things like that. It sounds like quite a good journalistic podcast, James, unlike this piece of absolute shit. We will see. Maybe we will turn this piece of absolute shit into the creme de la creme this week

just for Ross Kemp. But more than likely, it will stay a piece of absolute shit. I know he's met a lot of dangerous people, but he has not met us before. He's not met an angry genie who has just heard a secret ingredient that we have decided before the episode. And if Ross Kemp says a secret ingredient, we will kick him out. And yes, I'm going to grab him around the scruff of the neck. You're going to grab his boots. Benito's going to tickle him on the way out, and we're going to chuck him out of here. We are. Machete or no machete, he's going out. And this week, the secret ingredient which we deem to be disgusted is chicken mince. Chicken mince. I've had nice chicken mince, but I would agree

that broadly it dries out very quickly. If you line up all the minces, it's going to be the first one I push off the table. Yeah, look, in general, I think chicken mince is all right. But I think the idea of it is disgusted. Thinking of it is great. Yeah. And thank you very much to the person who suggested chicken mince. We get people to tweet the podcast. And this week, the chicken mince was suggested to us by Bleed's Dale. It wasn't Bleed's Dale, James. Bleed's Dale. It wasn't Bleed's Dale. This is going to be a confusing one. Bleed's Dale. Thank you, Bleed's Dale. Thank you very much for the suggestion of chicken mince from CS Sheeran. Sounds like an alias of Bleed's Dale. It sounds like an alias of

a sheep is what it sounds like. He's clearly putting other meats forward as a secret ingredient. Yes, actually. They want lamb mince to take over. They don't like people getting on the mince turf. Yeah. Well, fair enough, CS Sheeran. Let's see if you can, if you get Ross Kemp kicked out the dream restaurant. You are officially hard as nails, CS Sheeran. Got to hope not. I'm so happy we've got Ross Kemp on the podcast. So am I. I can't wait to hear his dream meal. Shall we get to it, Ed? Let's get to it. This is the off menu menu of Ross Kemp. Welcome, Ross Kemp, to the dream restaurant. Thank you, guys, for inviting me. Welcome, Ross Kemp, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

I'm here at last. Ah, yes. Matching the sense of occasion with the voice there. Not enough people do that, actually. I'm going to complain about all the other guests who have ever been on this podcast. Yeah, for sure. Never done that. No, I'm really happy to be here. I love food, really, as you could probably tell by looking at me. And I think it's one of those few remaining pleasures left once you go past 50. So I enjoy it still very, very much. That must be a great thing about, you know, you've filmed loads of stuff all over the world. You get to discover new dishes in different places. When you arrive in a different country, are you trying to find out where the best places to eat are?

First thing, yeah. Obviously, you've got to spend time with the people that you're going to be talking to. So you're not necessarily in their best restaurants. Going into the favelas of Brazil, for instance. You have to go for, I think, with the Bocca da Fuma. They used to sell cannabis, but they now sell everything from crack. They're generally cracky-cracky, which is crack cocaine. But once you're through that and you're through the barricades where the guns are and the gangsters sit and you go up into the favelas, you'll find all these small little restaurants that are selling skull beer. You won't find wine, but you'll get some fantastic little barbecue restaurants. And everyone's got a smile on their face. Everyone's happy to be alive. And I've often found

some of the more poorer in brackets restaurants have generally been the happiest places that I've been to. And when I was really young, I took one of my first girlfriends. We went to France. I think I just got into EastEnders. And she ended up booking this really expensive restaurant in Ezvillage. And it was like a comedy sketch from the pythons. They were like 12 waiters in ascending height. And I don't know if they stayed with it on purpose, but they gave, they're supposed to give, it's very sexist, but they give the male the menu with the prices and they give the female the menu without the prices. But for whatever reason, maybe because I was wearing a Marks and Spencer's shirt that had holes in it,

they swapped them round. So she got the prices. And I looked across at her, her name was Sue. And I said, Sue, you're okay. This was your idea. This is my birthday. We're gonna splash the cash. And she went, have you seen what it costs for a bowl of bread? And I looked at it and it was like 50 or 60 francs as before euros. And it was just like, and you know what, God bless you, we're too scared to order any food. We virtually, you know, and I just thought, sod it, let's just, let's smash the credit card, which we did. And we had a very good time. But I remember the tears rolling down the cheeks and like, don't worry. And I looked at the menu and you went, oh, shit. So that was it. That day onwards, you were done with the fancy pants places

into the favelas. Into the favelas. Yeah. And I've got like my options. Some of the food are actually from fancy pants restaurants and some of them are actually not. They're just like, it's just the, it's the food. And it's often the place, I think it's the time and the place. Yeah. So, you know, I've got, you know, it's really good memories attached to a lot of food. And I think food can, can bring up places for you, you know, go back. If the food's similar, you know what I mean? You can definitely recreate a good time in your life through food, like you can through smells, you know, if you had to join one of the gangs that you've, you've spoken to, and you were picking them based on what they were eating, based on what they eat,

what gang are you going for? What gang has the best food? Good. Cool. Well, one of the organized crime groups, because they spend their life having a really good time. So one of the Russian chaps, I mean, they just like spend their time, you know, coughing, vodka and, and having caviar. Though actually there was a gang that I met in Ulaan Petua, which is obviously in Mongolia, because I knew that before I went there. No. And they, they frequented a sushi restaurant. Now, Mongolia is one of the most landlocked countries on the planet. And apart from the fact they like to have snuff and vodka for breakfast, which I had to partake in, of course, to be accepted by the group every morning.

Yeah, sure. You're doing a documentary. You've got to do it. Got to do it. Exactly. They, they just, this sushi used to be flown in from Japan every day. And I've never even been to Japan, but I like sushi a lot. And the sushi that these guys, this, this gang used to have, apart from the fact that I didn't like the idea that they went around celebrating Hitler's birthday. And they had SS tattoos on their heads and stuff like that. But that might, that might have been for sushi sushi. Sushi sushi. Absolutely. Scrubby sushi.

Scrubby sushi. So yeah, so, so maybe the richer gangs, the poorer gangs, possibly not. Well, that is, that is quite the bind. This sushi is delicious, but these guys, I'm pretty sure they're Nazis. Yeah. Yes. But they, they gave that away by the kit they were wearing and going around waving flags on Hitler's birthday, which is something I never, I also, I declined the cake on Hitler's birthday as well, which they were quite upset about, funnily enough. Well done. Did the cake have Hitler on it?

Do you know, do you know what? Can I tell you how many times I've been offered cake by Nazis? Whether it be in, in Moscow, Dallas, or in fact, Ulaanbaatar. More than once. And they, they love a cake. Yeah. I didn't know that about Nazis. Why, why do you think they love cakes so much? Well, because they like sticking their insignia or anything they can, don't they? They like draping it everywhere. So why not put it on a cake? If you're going to stick it on your forehead, stick it on your arm, you might as well stick it on your cake. Yeah. It's an easier way to get people in, isn't it? Cause like they go, if we offer people the

cake, their need for cake might override the fact that everything we believe is abhorrent. So we'll get them in that way. Yeah. And that is no joking. I can remember going to meet a load of Moscow Nazis and they literally put a salad out and then in tomato capture, they'd put a swastika across I mean, pathetic. Anyway, I don't, I don't wish to remember them. Are you at that point now when whenever you meet a new gang of Nazis before they open your mouth, you went, no, I don't want any cake. Thank you very much. And they're like, put it, put the batten burger away. He doesn't want it.

I can tell you something. I mean, you know, I've got to go through the whole menu, but some of them do actually relate to places that I've met. I've also got a list of things that I just couldn't eat when I was offered. Oh, great. And one that I did do and had spectacular results. So I'll tell you about that when we get there. Well, let's start with still or sparkling water at the beginning. I was really funny about still and sparkly. I will go still and I often drink lots of water when I'm away. Sadly, you know, it's often in plastic bottles and you only have to go to certain places that I've been to. You see it piled up, but I try not to if I can not to.

But sadly, still would be my choice. Though, having said that, when I have to go for times I don't drink alcohol or anything like it, I will have a little bit of orange juice with some fizzy water. So if it's just water on its own, I'll have it still. But if I'm going to mix some juice into it, I might like it a little bit fizzy. Got to fizz it up. Because it's a dream meal, which one would fit the dream meal more? Which one would be like that special? That's what I'd like for the meal. That's the best way to start it off. I would like some mineral water from Scotland in a glass bottle rather than a plastic bottle, please. Lovely. We can sort that out for you. Easy. Why Scotland?

It's slightly peachy. Nice. It is properly out of that kind of through those rocks. And I used to go walking up in Scotland quite a lot. And there are, you know, little springs that you genuinely can find. And where people leave little cups. And so before obviously COVID and stuff like that, people are less concerned and you can wipe it around in any way if you're carrying something. Some hand wash with you. And you just fill up the cup and you can pour from it. And you just drink straight out of the side of the mountain. And that's, you know, that's so refreshing, particularly if you've just climbed a bit and you walked a bit up a hill, you know. It's nice to have a nice drink at the end of it. That's one of the often forgotten victims of COVID

is the communal Scottish mountain cups. Yeah. I reckon they're still there. I wouldn't try it right now though. People don't talk about it enough. We're not able to just walk along and pick a cup off the floor and drink from it anymore because we don't know who's drunk out of it. I can assure you there's some people I know there still are. Yeah, there's some people going around. If we could sort it out for you that the dream restaurant has a Scottish spring directly funneled into it that you can just drink fresh from, would you prefer that to a bottle of water? 100. Oh, just trust me. Yeah, lovely. Absolutely fantastic. Oh, we can do that. I think we'll do that. Have you ever been tempted to

bring a cup with you on the walk and leave that for other people? Do you know what? I haven't though. You do take, when you go walking, there used to take a thing called your peace and inside that would be like bread and maybe some kind of filling inside the bread, whether it be old gammon or cheese and pickle or something like that. There would often be a little metal cup that came along with you but you won't be tied to you if you did not return said cup. Sometimes you would take a cup, if you didn't have a cup with you, you could find one generally by side of one of these springs or, which is probably generally more hygienic, you had a little cup in your pocket.

You often filled it with more than just spring water as well, if you were lucky. When you say why but tied you if you didn't come back with the metal cup? Well, we got told off by the woman of the house, the kind of lady that ran the Scott's cottage. So hold on a sec. I might have missed something. You're staying in a cottage and someone's in charge of it and they give you your peace before you go out. That's right. And you've got to come back not only with your wrap foil, so you haven't left it up on the mountainside fair point. You've also got to come back with your little aluminium cup. You've got to have the full shebang otherwise you've been sent back up there to retrieve them.

Well, she's cooking your dinner that night and you know, depending on how she felt about you, you know, depending on the quality of the food that you got served. So and it was also very good, I have to say. There you go. I have to say it wasn't the most dangerous episode of my life, getting wondering whether the lady of the house was going to serve a dinner cold because we didn't come back with the aluminium cup. Absolutely. You love it if that was the one time you're like, you do not want to cross these women. I live in the Scottish mountains in a cottage. The only time I feared for my life is Scottish cup lady. Do you want to say one of the foods that you refuse to eat before we continue?

Pepper these throughout the episode? There's, well, do not refuse. I did have a lot of choice in one case. I was in El Salvador. I was staying with or meeting members of MS13, Madrasalva, Trucha, one of the most dangerous street gangs in the United States and across that part of Central America. And we were interviewing on a regular basis a guy called Chucho, who was the leader of the Little Psychopaths and you're going to love this, the Little Psychopaths of Delgado. And he obviously carried a gun everywhere he went more than one and so did his cohorts. And I made a really, I mean, very, very big era, early doors era before I, it's like the first series of gangs. I didn't have a clue what I was doing. Probably still

didn't at the end of the 19 programs that we made. But his sister, she gave me a soft toy that you, they're in the petrol stations all across El Salvador city. It's kind of like little kind of furry gnome type thing, little face, plastic face. And it was a ball of fur. And it was soaked in a really, really strong perfume. And, you know, you're offered a gift. So it is rude to refuse. Now, stupidly, I wouldn't bought her one. I didn't soak it in perfume, but I did give it back to like three or four days later, but we're going back to Chucho's house, we'll take some beers, we'll take some food, won't take any cake with swastikas on it, but we will take something nice and sweet to eat as well. And I gave her this thing. What I was doing was getting engaged

to Chucho's sister at that point. So when I explained to him that I already had a girlfriend at home, Chucho was rather unpleased. So he said, you must come to my house before you leave. And you must have chicken with us. Right. So I remember I was sitting next to Marta. Marta speaks really good Spanish, Portuguese and every other language around the world. And she's been a great friend and a great support to me over the years. She ended up being one of the big directors and all the films like we went to Syria and Libya. She's very brave lady. But she was just starting the job as well. And so she was translating and you've got to tell him that you're not marrying his sister. I don't want to tell him I'm not marrying your sister. He's got a gun and he's

put his gun on the table. And honestly, he brought out this chicken and it's like beautifully grilled chicken with a salad. And look at my piece and it's pinker than my bald head. It has not seen flame or if it has, it's just been licked delicately on the outside with it. So I put my fork into it and blood comes out. Right. So I go, I can't eat this. I'm going to be so sick. I can't eat this. So Chucho goes, oh, polo polo polo, you're polo. So you eat the chicken, you eat the chicken. And he's not waving at me with his finger. He's waving at me with some very large pistol. So I start eating the chicken and literally I have three mouthfuls into this stuff. Right. I've got blood drooling down the side like a vampire. She's like, you must go and wipe your chin, wipe your chin.

You look like you're bleeding. And I go, I go, I can't, I can't, I can't eat anymore. And I literally was like, by the time we got into the four by four and tried to drive back to the hotel, I was actually like, like sick passing out. And she's like, get yourself together, Ross, get yourself together. You just form out the chicken. I said, I need something. I've got food poison and now I'm going to be really sick and going to be really sick. So she went off and the best thing she could find for whatever it was, that severe food poisoning was a, it was a bottle of Pepterbismol, which is an American anti acid, which is also bright pink. Right. So I neck this bad idea. I neck this. And within seconds, I was like a Roman candle at both ends spraying pink. Now I know this won't

make a food program, but it was quite a scene inside that bathroom. And I literally passed out and I woke up about seven or eight hours later and I was just sick for like three or four days. So Chucho's revenge. But you still married her? I never married his sister and I definitely didn't marry the girlfriend when I got home either. Pop it, absorb bread. Pop it, absorb bread. Ross Kemp, pop it, absorb bread. Yeah. It's going to be sort of like Afghan flat bread that they make the best bread and it's ginormous. I think a three time size rugby ball and, and they make it, they can make it anywhere. They're just amazing people, the Afghans. And so yeah, it's that kind of bread. I think it's quite healthy for

you as well. I love all sorts of bread. They don't often love me, but I love that kind of flat bread really like it, particularly when it's, it's grilled and crispy. It's just come straight off a skillet or off a stone slab and it's got that crispiness to it. The bubble, it bubbles up and sort of goes slightly brown and crispy. I like crispy stuff. To go with your chicken salad, did Chucho give you just a bowl of dough as well? Yeah. Eat the dough. No, but I found, honestly, I found a lot of the Afghan people I met to be so generous, so kind. And when they had nothing would give you as much as they could. I liked Chucho, who would either have read, they say that the lead of the silver, le plomo le plata, he was the lead or the chicken. Yeah. Yeah. You know what TV show I'd like to

commission is, uh, every episode is the same as Ross Kemp on gangs. It's all the same gangs, all the same people, but instead of you hosting it, Steve McFadden is hosting it and we get to see who the toughest one of the Mitchell's is proper. That's what I want. I want to send Steve McFadden out to do the exact same things you had to do and see how he fares. It's, James, he has to deal with the BBC canteen every day. So he's got enough problems. I'm joking. The BBC canteen is very, very nice. Um, but, uh, yeah, I'll be very, I mean, I'll be very happy to see him get that commission. It would be a good laugh, right? Yeah. You'd have to ask Steve. I don't know. But would you be watching it? Fingers, fingers crossed that he, that you know, every, that he

cries every episode and you, and you're the toughest. I think I think Grant was always the more cry of the two, the two chaps though. He could turn the tears on if he wanted to. He's a very, very good actor. And, um, you know, I think a lot of actors in soaps. I mean, I think they've changed over the years because everything happened so much quicker now and people aren't given as much time as they used to. But, you know, him and I used to work really well together and I really enjoyed the years that we worked. And, um, you know, he's just, he's a very goody-winter rather. He's a very, he's a classically trained actor. And that's often sometimes forgotten about a lot of some of the actors that find themselves in soaps. A lot of them are just really, really good

actors. Yeah, man. How many, I want you to know that everything you just said, I took it in and it's brilliant. However, I want to know how many mouthfuls of the raw chicken you think Steve McFan and Glee. Do you know what? He doesn't need meat. So, none. He'd probably taken the lead. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's a pescatorian from my recollection. Yeah. He doesn't, he doesn't need, he doesn't eat chicken or anything like that. But you'd still be texting him going, yeah, Steve, you should buy her a toy back. That would be a lovely gesture. Go to a petrol station, buy a fluffy toy and give it to his sister. I mean, I know what I'm saying. I got chastised for doing it as well. Everybody knows that's an engagement present in El Salvador. I said,

well, I didn't read that on the kind of guide. We come to your starter. Yeah. It's your starter, something that you've had on your travels or from elsewhere. So the sashimi would definitely be in Ulaanbaatar. Oysters kill Patrick is probably going to win. And that's after I generally, because I made films in Papua New Guinea and made a film with sort of motorcycle gangs of Australia, my wife's Australian. So it was really handy. And I went to Indonesia and made a film about pirates that we could always meet where she's from, which is Kens and the Northern, like North Queensland. And there's a restaurant I go to there called Lunico. It's full of lunatics. It's a very interesting place because most of you can't swim in the sea because of the crocodiles and because of all the

poisonous things that are in there. Irrigangis, jellyfish that are the size of your thumb may have more poison in them than a cobra. But you can look out across the sea there. And again, it's about memories and it's about what food evokes inside you. And it was always a massive relief to get there because I'd like either, I mean, the motorcycle boys were pretty dangerous, but they weren't as bad as being in Papua New Guinea and having people shoving guns in your face. Or dealing with, at one point, there were seven pirates up a tree. And I never thought that's got to be a poem or a song one day. I want to hear Eminem do seven pirates up a tree. These guys could literally get bamboo poles and they kind of like tie them together and

they'd speed up behind ocean going container vessels, these big ships that carry, you know, these multi-story big, there's big shipping containers, and they get the boat and then they just climb up, right? And they'd have a like a cheap pangor, a cheap kind of like knife, long knife tied around the neck with a bit of ribbon. And they'd find the skipper of the ship who's generally asleep because they do it at night. They'd take control of the ship because most of them knew how to. They'd rob all the crew. They'd take all the money out of the safe and there's often a lot of money. Then they'd skim down because one boat we're keeping the small speed boat at the right speed. They'd skinny down and they'd be off. And they showed me how

easy they could get up the side back of the ship by putting it on an island. We went to an island, there's an island on the boat, one of their boats. And they just guys, just such athletes, they could just get, you know, they could climb up 40, 50 foot pole. I tried, man. I just could not get one on it. So like doing things like that, always going back to Cairns was always a real relief for me. I have another starter, which is from a restaurant called Pullo Poe, which is in Ebru Street in London. I lived in Battersea for like 28 years and that was one of my big treats to go across to Pullo Poe, a posh restaurant. But the French guys in there were absolutely fantastic and they make a cheese quiche that I defy anyone to beat in terms of fluffiness,

cheesiness, crispiness, loveliness. But I'm going to go for the Oysters Kilpatrick with my wife, before she was my wife, looking out of Lunico across the ocean. Is that where you saw the sun was coming down? You knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her and you pushed a little box across the table and she opened it up and there was a tiny little cuddly toy. No, do you know, do you know, actually, honestly, I actually got engaged to my wife after coming back from Haiti and witnessing so many people, sadly, who had died and a cholera epidemic. So I was like, we went out and we collected bodies with the body collectors and I met her in New York. I went down to Diamond Market, bought her a diamond and I went down on

one knee in the Bowery Hotel and asked her to marry me there. It's a classic story of romance, Ross. Do you know what I did though? Do you know what it's a really stupid thing to do before you do that, though? I was given some Haitian rum and I think it's got more than rum in it. Right. And I drank about what I thought was four or five snits and it was more like four or five large glasses. So I was a little bit squiffy when I went down on one knee. It didn't come up for a while. Ah, mate. No, it could have been very messy. Luckily, she took pity on me. Yeah, so definitely oysters kill Patrick. And for people who don't know, it is oyster with Worcestershire sauce and maybe sometimes a little bit of bacon on it. But I prefer it just the heated up, the

hot oysters with Worcestershire sauce. Ah, the hot oysters. Yeah. So you grill them. So you can make them at home. You just chop up lardons, small lardons. You obviously leave the juice of the oyster and the oyster. You pour a little bit of Worcestershire sauce. The people say that's cardinal sin. You should never do it. And I do like cold oysters as well with, you know, lemon and a little bit of Tabasco. But this is just an Australian, obviously an Australian thing. It's called oysters kill Patrick. Lovely. By the way, I'd like to know what kind of a tree that was that they climbed. It's where you said seven pirates have a tree. I was like, that's a palm tree. I don't know how they've done that. It's a big tree. It's on an island.

And I can, do you know what? It's quite a famous island because it was involved in the nutmeg trade, which was really big in the East Indies. It was called the East Indies in those days. So yeah, there's some quite, quite big, it might have been a nutmeg tree for all I know, but it was quite a big tree. Yeah. And there are quite a lot of branches up this tree and each pirate is sat in a different branch or they all just huddled up together somewhere. Do you know what? The great thing about what I do say is it's on camera. So you just got to look at pirates as free programs. Don't go to one in Somalia. Don't go to the one in Nigeria. Go to the one that's done in Indonesia and Malaysia and the Malacca Straits and you'll see six pirates up or seven

pirates up a tree. Because you saw so much mad stuff like that. Did it ever start to wash over you? Or were you always like, oh my God, that's seven pirates up a tree? I think, do you know what? I did it on the way back. I jumped off the boat and they got really angry with me. I just started to do something mad. It just felt like it was just one of those surreal moments. So I just thought, oh, we were close to the beach. It wasn't like, you know, I did it in the middle of an ocean. And I think if it does, I think honestly, that you, I think if you did, then you wouldn't be doing your job properly. And there are a lot of people say, you know, you're not a train journalist, you're not this, you're not that. I'm a documentary maker, I guess. And part of what I do is I try

to be as honest and as straight as possible can do in terms of telling both sides of the story and walking the line. I've just made a program about people in the UK that keep lions and tigers in their back gardens and other dangerous wild animals. And gosh, that's a hard one to walk a straight line over because you automatically feel very much on the side of the animals. But some of the owners are just such interesting characters. They're not the Carol Baskins and they're not necessarily the Joe Exotics. But, you know, anybody who wants to keep 350 kilos of killing machine in their back garden has to be interesting. I mean, if you're their neighbor, you're not asking for your ball back, put it that way. That's correct. I tell you what, there's

4,000 cats in captivity in people's back gardens in the UK. Wow. Which was absolutely jaw dropping, isn't it? I've got, because I've got the numbers there, there's 274 primates, there's 158 crocodilians, there's 332 scorpions, and 106 venomous lizards. That's insane. It is, isn't it? I think it is. Are there any other things that you've refused to eat or discussed if you've eaten before we get on to the main course? One thing, I was in the Congo at a really bad time. It's probably the most heartbreaking film I've ever made. And I met an amazing man called Dr. McGwagey who went on to get the Nobel Peace Prize. But a very difficult man to talk to because he basically looks after

people have been mutilated, bits of them chopped off. And he was just an incredible man. He was, he was so busy. He was looking after people. Why would he want to talk to some Westerner? He's not really going to help the plight of any of the people that are suffering around him. But while I was there, we got a U.N. helicopter and went right into where the Rebels were fighting. And it was basically, it was Hutus and Tutsis, so the genocide that happened in Rwanda moved over into the Eastern DRC. And it very brutal, very brutal war with child soldiers, etc. But I was presented, we went into a place, we got two cans of tuna off the local market. And two guys tried to come into my room that night and steal it off of me. And I managed to

kind of like defend my way away from them. They pulled a knife on me. And then they were going, where the boof? Where the boof? Where the boof? Where the boof? No, boofy sea, no, boofy sea. With my CNC grade one French. But they managed to leave me. But I got, I remember, I got there, I was on a mattress. There was no thing I got mosquito. They were beating the sun going down and beating the sun go up. And they were watching Black Hawk down below us. All these guys were dripping in grenades, AK-47s. But they bizarrely wear white Wellington boots. So they all look like, you know, kind of like, they've got berries on, they've got, they look tough, they are as tough as hell. But when you look down at their feet, they've all got white Wellington boots on, which

was maybe like slightly tighter, slightly. But they were, they were clapping every time an American soldier got shot. That I think they took us to be American. So I was just waiting for the copters there and shoot us. I got through the night with no sleep whatsoever, really dehydrated, too scared to go to the toilet. So I, we did my bowl, my little bowl. And I was confronted with breakfast, which I have a picture of still. It's a skillet and it was a porcupine, not prepared, a porcupine, and a baby primate that had been cut in four, a primate, obviously to be clear, a primate that had been cut into four bits and left on the skillet. Oh my God. I mean, hang on, I'll show it to you. Oh yes, please do. Just got off to get the photo now from his cabinets.

Oh, it's in his book. Here we go. There it is. You can see the porcupine's little claws there. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. There it is. Thank you. Yeah, I've never been a great favour of any kind of bush meat that I've been offered. And you know, I've had some fantastic meals in all sorts of parts of the world where they eat that stuff. And some people really like it, but it's never been for me, I have to say. So you didn't have any porcupine or primate? No, couldn't man. And also when I opened the can of tuna, so I had this can of tuna that I defended with my life the night before, we hadn't really eaten properly. I mean, I'm, well, it was me, but that's the longest probably I've ever been without ever having any food when I'm on any job that I've done. And I opened it up

and there was this dry little disc. And I looked at when it had been canned and it had been canned in 1986. So it was about nearly 20 years old or something. It was, yeah, waste the can of tuna as well. But there you go. Also, you said you had to wean to your little bowl. Yeah, and tempted to drink it once or twice. Yeah. Is that like the little tin cup in the Scottish mountains? Yeah. So that's going to happier times than your main course. Yes. Well, hopefully happier times. Who knows what's going to be in the main course? Well, there's two moments. I love grilled fish, right? I've always have done. And I love, we were in a place called East Timor early doors as well on gangs. And it's, you know, it suffered a bit as a country, but we'd filmed

that. We've actually gone out there with the wrong stock to film. So we actually, instead of staying there for like three weeks, we were actually out there for nearly two months. And there's very little you can do after a while after getting rocks held at you with the UN troops who were trying to stop the uprising. And they use the thing called I can show. I'm doing this kind of like, I'll get up and show you something. It's got up again to a shelf. They fire these things, which I would describe as a 12 inch nail with a point on the end and a hook. Now the hook is important because that's caught by the kind of Dennis the men is slingshot. Right. It's made out of wire. Right. Right. And on the end of it, there's like flails from a rice bag. And they wrap

that around where the head of the nail would where you'd hit it normally. But they flatten this out and they sharpen it to quite a sharp point. And then they dip it either in feces or state poison or tow poison. But these guys were just amazing with these things. They have them like a little pouch on their hip and they bring out this, what you know, laughable little wooden Dennis the men is thing with lots of elastic bands on the end of it and a metal hook that links to the plastic bands from one end of the branch to the other end of the branch. And then they can zip these things off like they're firing a pistol. Wow. And they like had practice on melons at about five or six meters. And they wouldn't miss. So let me get this straight loss. Your dream main course is a flat

and nail dipped in shit. Because I met odd. What? That would be amazing. We had a hard time with people aiming things like that. So that was only the tip get me of the iceberg. But we finished filming like we just like they found us a nice restaurant, the local fix and Maritza had found us a restaurant on the beach. This big fish had been lied out. It had been split in two. It was grilling there with beers. And we were sitting there sipping our beers, just eating this beautifully, just freshly out of the sea moist fish. I think there might have been French fries there, but it's salad. Everybody's chilled. The sun goes down across the ocean. Wow, we've got through this. And we were right at the end of the Bay of Dilly, Dilly being the capital of his team.

And Maritza, who should have been there? Where's Maritza? There's no mobile phones. Maritza drives up in his little Suzuki Jeep, open top Jeep. He goes, we must go. We must go. I said, we're not leaving Maritza. We're just eating fish, mate. We're on our sixth beer. We're not going anywhere, man. We're just going to like just lay here until the sun comes back up again. He said, you have to go now. Look across the bay. Look across the bay. Look across the bay. And there's like this kind of fire going on, but you can't wait. He said, that's your hotel. And they basically, there's been another uprising because there was an uprising every other day when we were there. And they wanted to burn down the records office so they could do a land grab.

The only problem was that the records office joined our hotel. So the flames had gone across the roof and they set fire to the hotel. So that was my grilled fish moment out of the way. But I've always loved grilled fish. But my favorite I would go for is from the Hutong restaurant in Hong Kong. Not that I go there on a regular basis. It's really, I like hot food, but not Uber hot. And the first time I went there, I just had the regular, not the cooler version of the crispy soft shell crab with Szechuan chilies. And it comes in this big kind of wooden basket. And even though the soft shell crab has been sort of like dipped into this chili and then deep fried, and then they put chilies all over it. Actually, if you get it at the right temperature

with the right drink, it is probably the closest that you get to having sex without having sex. So absolutely, my favorite main course would be the soft shell crab. What's nice about the soft shell crab in comparison to the grilled fish is when you'd finish it, you didn't look up and see where you were sleeping was burning to the ground. I was looking across the Kowloon. If I was like, I remember it was definitely not burning to the ground. But honestly, you can't make that. And also the true story about, so we do get in the vehicle and we do go down to the hotel and we get our kit out and the hotel was actually just a little bit singed. But then we obviously carry on filming and the gas bottles inside the houses that are

used to cook off are suddenly going bang, right? So I'm doing a job, trying to do a piece to camera and all of a sudden it was just like a movie is like, I didn't know I was going to go to Afghanistan and see big bombs going off and stuff like that. I literally wet myself when one of those canisters went off. Well, will we come to your side dish? Are we sticking to the seafood? No, it's either. So I love Lebanese food and I like the Lebanon as a country and the people in it. It's a fascinating country. It's in a lot of trouble over the years, but I love Lebanese people and I love the food. So I love that kind of baba ganoush stuff like kind of or for two salad.

So fried pizza bread, you know, pomegranates, molasses, a lot of radishes sliced up thinly, onions sliced up thinly, a nice green salad in that with my with either with the fish or with the soft shell crab. I know that you said nice green salad there, but my ears heard ice cream salad and I get I got really excited. What's an ice cream salad in your mind, James? Just three different scoops of different ice creams. So some ice cream. Yeah. All of ice cream. We call it an ice cream salad. Beautiful. I think, Russ, we can let you have the baba ganoush and the for two salad as a side dish. I think we can double up on sides there because they're from the same place. I think they go to get the hand in hand. Yeah. What's

the opposite of that in terms of things you've been offered to eat? I do one of the things I just really hated about being out in Afghan with the MRE. So I sort of like I was asked to kind of give my honest opinion on what the soldiers and the Marines were given when they first went out there and the early Herics, they were called six month operations are called the Heric. So I went out there for about over a period of four or five years, maybe longer, five years at least, and the food got better. But I remember one of the things that I used to make you get and you had to eat it because there weren't much else to eat. If you're doing a five or six day operation, just before the IDs really came into play, they used to do a lot of marching and walking,

whatever you want to call it, running and getting shot at basically. And in my top pack, you'd have the meal that you were going to eat that night. And with your body armor plate and the heat, because it's like 40 degrees, it would actually, when you opened it up, it would be steaming. You'd actually cook it through wearing your body armor. But the one thing that you'd stop to have for lunch, a thing called Biscuits Brown, which is so military, doesn't it? Biscuits Brown because they're biscuits and they're brown. Sounds like my nickname. Just, I mean, what are they like? They're like a digestive that's been made with tarmac, tasteless. And what they would expect you to do is they'd expect you to squeeze it's in like a sachet. Like you imagine like

the sachets you get for tomato sauce about four times longer than one of those about the same width. And inside it was supposedly tuna, a tuna again, but it wasn't. You could see it was just eyes and tails. And in that kind of heat, when you dehydrated, squeezing that out onto a biscuit brown and trying to eat it, you just want to give. Yeah. If someone came to your room and tried to rob you for that, you'd be absolutely take it. Have it. Please take my biscuit brown. Take my biscuit brown. Oh, please. Well, he's white. Take my biscuit brown. How many, just on their own, how many biscuit browns do you think you could eat in a row? Oh, man, that's a question. You just wouldn't want to. And I remember because they were in a

purple kind of sachet and it was really interesting. You know what I mean? Stealth company of 30 or blokes, tough as nails and with, you know, me and my cameraman attached and you could see where we'd stop for lunch because there were piles of biscuit brown everywhere. It's like, where were they last? I have them. I have the biscuit brown. I'm on the trail. Literally like Hansel and Gretel just following the crumbs to find on you guys. To a big house built of biscuit brown. Your favorite drink we've talked about. We've mentioned a few beers along the way so far. Yeah, I do. Sadly, yeah, I do like a beer. But I found out very late on life that I was allergic to most grapes, which explained why I was probably angry in the morning quite a lot,

particularly at the weekends. But I do like Pinot Noir wine at the grape and the wine that goes with it. And I've sort of, luckily, I spent a lot of time in New Zealand doing films. My best mates, Doctor of Sociology at Christchurch University and him and I have made it our goal to go to the every vineyard. And there's quite a few in New Zealand. Yeah, so Pinot Noir. And it doesn't really matter whether it's from the Napa Valley, whether it's from Burgundy, I think where he originates, or whether it's from Germany, some really good German ones. So a thin glass of Pinot Noir or a glass of alberina, which is my favorite sort of white wine, which is Spanish. Lovely. I thought you might go for beer because you've been to a lot of hot countries where you've

been working hard during the day. And I don't think you'd probably taste beer until you've had a cold beer in a boiling country, maybe after being chased by a murderer. Yeah, true. True. And also, interesting, we didn't realize that the beer is kept from going off in Karachi because they put formaldehyde in it. And formaldehyde, I can assure you, gives you a stinking hangover. We only had two bottles of beer and we just made Dave's sound. Jonathan doesn't drink. When you say Dave's sound, it's a man called Dave who works on the sound. His name's not Dave's sound. Yeah, his name's Dave Williams, but he'll hate me because I tell you a true story about him as well. His name's Dave. So whenever I have to interview someone and give them a seed in them,

particularly if they were a murderer, a robber, or an assassin, we're always called Dave. And it's funny, after that point, when you go to someone, look, obviously, you can't say who you really are, we're shooting you in silhouette. Would you like to have a name, a pseudonym? Do you know how many of them often came up with the name Dave? There was a guy I talked to people in Colombia, we met him in a sex hotel. This guy was cold-blooded killer. He cuts people up for a living to find out where the stash is. He literally turned around to us and he said, you could call me Dave. And like, I was on the floor. You told him, you told him to say that. You told him to say that. Like, you're going to go up to a guy like that and go,

before we interview you, come here, this will be a laugh. Exactly. That guy's name's Dave. Say your name is Dave because your sort is the last kind of people he'd want to be associated with. It'll be a funny little joke. Nice sex hotel, by the way. Let's shoot this. Can I tell you something about the sex hotel as well, which is really, really odd. Yes. Because the air con's on, it's right down on the Pacific coast of Colombia, which is where the drugs got up to Los Angeles. And we had to turn this because of Dave Sound, my good mate, Dave Williams. We had to turn the air con off, right? So all of a sudden, this guy's sitting there. He's got a locked off camera on him. And Jonathan is the big camera man. Jonathan who doesn't drink. Jonathan does drink. Jonathan

Young is on a penny case. You know those big plastic cases? Jonathan Lenz. Jonathan Lenz. Yes, you got it. And we suddenly start seeing all the fingerprints because the lube is now becoming apparent, but the floor is turning into an ice skating rink, right? Now, I am absolutely dripping. Our chat, funny enough, doesn't drip at all. He's talking about cutting up his best friends, how his dad was cut up, how he thinks he's going to get cut. He's like, he's got a heavy staff. He's really trying not to get cut up. He's going, anyway, I realize I'm seeing all these hand prints on all these kind of furniture and everything like that. And there's this kind of fridge in the corner that's for the condoms and gel and bizarrely a comb. What do you want the comb

for? Anyway, I certainly don't need the comb. Right. Anyway, we're doing this interview, right? It's now dripping. The floor has gone like a rink full of lube, right? And Jonathan's on this penny case and he slips off it. Now, he's about six foot five and weighs a good like 15, 16 stone. The penny case goes bang! I jump out on my skin. This lad who we're interviewing because he was locked to the D5 camera, he didn't move an inch. He's just like, I'm used to big bangs, funny enough. But yeah, sex hotels. Don't go shooting in particularly when the town man says turn the aircon off. Too slippery. It's a slippery occasion. Before we go to your dessert, let me ask you the big question. Very important. Can't have you on without asking you this. Who do you think is

toughest out of me, Annette? Oh, God, I've not got a tough amateur on me. I'm going to go Ben Williams. Sound man. He's a great Benito. You can't see. Ben sound. He looks like you can't. You know, you don't argue with Ben. Ben sorted it all out, didn't he at the beginning? Yeah, he did. Ben's toughest. The great Benito. Yeah, he's definitely the toughest. He's written thank you in the chat like any tough guy would. Yeah, Ben, don't mess with Ben. That's what I'm saying. Ben is pretty tough. So your dream dessert? There's two and this is where you see kind of like the softy squishy side of Mr. Kemp. When I was a kid, my mom on a Saturday night, because my dad was not already worked as a police officer. He was a detective. He wasn't around a lot. So on a Saturday

night, if he was not working, we would have a big meal. And there were these books that came out super cook. And it was like, this is before TV chefs. It was like in the 70s. And she started cooking a thing called baked Alaska, which for a kid like me, it was just like, oh my word, what? You put ice cream in the oven and it doesn't melt. And it's got sponge on it. And it's covered in meringue. Are you kidding me? This is like heaven. I still don't get how it works. That is magic. I think it is. It's food magic. And that's why I still love it. Now, obviously, it's maybe a little bit too sweet for my taste these days. But for my birthday there in, from about the age of about eight to the time I was about 12 or 13, my mom would make me a baked Alaska for my birthday.

So even though I love my nans, lemon and apple pie, God rest her soul. And it was special because she managed to make apple, zesty and lemony. Really, really special apple pie crust, the beautiful crust, Norfolk crust pastry, beautiful. Then it's called Norfolk crust. I just called it that. But baked Alaska for me will always do it because it's like that moment in Ratatouille. You know, when he, the rat cooks him that, that dish and you're expecting him to hate it. And he suddenly puts his spoon in it and it goes into his mouth. And all of a sudden he's, he's transported back to his mom, coming through, coming through the door in the farmhouse. Well, it wasn't exactly a farmhouse. It was an assembly-tatched house in Essex. But I'm transported back to that kitchen

every time I taste baked Alaska. So it will always be baked Alaska. Maybe that's, you should take that, you know, whenever you're a board filming with gangs, you should take some baked Alaska with you so that if you're feeling scared, you could just have a mouthful of it. I have to poke in a plastic bag and freeze it and not take it to a sex hotel because it will definitely melt. It'll be all over the place. Everyone's slipping around on lube. You've got your baked Alaska spilling all over the place. Why did you bring a baked Alaska? In case I get scared. You know, I get scared sometimes. You know, the one, the one rules never bring a baked Alaska to a sex hotel. We told you that love. You wouldn't listen. I would imagine the baked Alaska's have been

taken to sex hotels. I reckon it's something like, what wouldn't be taken? What dessert would not be taken? If it's got cream attached to it, probably been taken. After the act, it's not being referred to as a baked Alaska anymore. That's what I'm saying. Do you know what really got me about what they call sex hotels? Not because of the lube everywhere and all the oddly shaped furniture. It's because people can drive in. There's two garages. So you drive in and no one sees you come in and you kind of close the garage door and you go in one side and the other person comes and in their car and then closes the garage door and they go in. They do what their business is and then they both leave under the cover of darkness. I'm not sure, guys. James, have you

ever seen such a thing in the UK? Is there a market? Do you think? I don't know. No, I've never known such a thing before. Did you stay the night in the sex hotel or you just met the guy there? No, that was one of those jobs where you just say thank you very much and you slip your way out as quickly as possible. Sleather out like one of Gary's. Slide out like Bart Simpson. It lended itself to, you know, when you're a kid and you, and it ices for the first time of the winter and everybody goes out and tries to skid across the playground. It was literally like that. It was like The thing is, because we're talking to you, I know that you said when you're a kid and it ices, but because it's you, I thought you said, you know when you're a kid and ices come in and it was like

being about gangs your whole life? Sadly, yeah. They were an interesting bunch of people. Yeah, I forgot you probably have met them. Yeah, you have met ices. Certainly. I've been shot out by them, yeah, in Syria. No, yeah, let's not talk about them. You don't do coffee or tea, do you? Do you do coffee or tea in your restaurant? Oh, do you know what, mate? If you want a coffee or tea at the end, well, absolutely would do it. I can't tell you one of the most wankiest things I ever saw or ever witnessed and I can't tell you who they were, but they were really uber famous people. I was taking out to a restaurant in Spain in Madrid and it was like, I think it had like more than five Michelin stars this restaurant.

They were really uber celebrities and I was obviously no one cared and my would they, but you know what you didn't? They said, we have five teas. Would you like to try our teas? And I was like, yeah, okay. They were really excited about this and you don't get to go to restaurants. Well, that was the only time I've ever been to a restaurant like that and it will be the last time I ever go to a restaurant like that. And do you know what they did? They had the tea in like kind of a big test tube with like a cork on top and you didn't drink it, you smelled it. That was your tea. It's like emperors new clothes, isn't it? It's like, oh no, no, no, no, no. Don't let them, if you pour boiling water on that, we'll have to get some more tea in. Just let them sniff

it, then charge them 50 pounds. So that's not what you want. You don't want to sniff some tea at the end of the day. I don't want sniffy tea. I want proper, I'll have a cup of tea. I love a cup of tea. Milk sugar? Just normal black tea or green tea, don't mind. Black tea. Yeah, love it. You've got it. Thank you. You've got some black tea at the end of this. Let me read your menu back, see how you feel about it. Water, you would like Scottish mineral water fresh out of the mountainside. Straight out. Pop it on your bread. Afghan flatbread. Yeah, love it. Starter, oysters killed Patrick from Lunaco, Australia. Yeah. Main course, crispy softshell crab seshwan style from Hutong in Hong Kong. Yeah. Side dish, Baba Ganoush and Fatouche salad. Drink Pinot Noir and dessert. Mum's birthday

baked Alaska. Love it. Sounds good. Great. Really, really good menu, I reckon. Yeah. Thank you. Really delicious. I mean, I would, I'd eat most of that. I'd definitely eat that. I mean, listeners know I'd eat that baked Alaska. In a heartbeat. James is actually the only person I know who would take a baked Alaska to a sex hotel and just check in with the baked Alaska, eat the baked Alaska and then check out again. Yep. I wouldn't see anyone else. I'd go a room for one, please. Yeah. Goodbye. You'd send the baked Alaska into the other garage in an Uber. I'll go in. One of us would leave under cover of dance. Russ, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. You've been a lovely guest.

Thank you so much, guys. What a pleasure and what fantastic company. Thank you for coming, Russ. But also, I should warn you, obviously, you didn't research the customs of the off-menu podcast before you came on it. And you should know that when we ask you who's the toughest, whoever you choose, you are engaged to. And so you are now engaged to the Great Benito. Congratulations to you and the Great Benito. Well, hey. Well, there we are. Russ Kemp was in the Dream Restaurant, James. Russ Kemp came to the Dream Restaurant. He picked a delicious meal and we got the stories we wanted going in. I was like, oh, man, how easy is it going to be to get amazing stories out of this guy? Maybe he's burnt out on talking about him. He's done so many amazing things. Maybe

he's tired of talking about all this stuff. No. No, sir. No, sir. The guy is a big old treasure chest full of stories. Excellent. I loved it. He goes around shitting himself and pissing himself all over the place. Another fine addition to the Poopoo Wee Wee podcast. Yes. He's keeping us where we like it. This is the kind of podcast we know what our listeners like and Russ Kemp gave our listeners what they want. It's great to finally extend the remit of the Poopoo Wee Wee podcast to Lube. Yeah. Yeah. Again, a bit of lube and a lot of people slide it around on lube at a sex hotel. High time that came up. Luckily, lube was not the secret ingredient because we would have kicked him out of the restaurant. The secret ingredient was chicken

mince and he did not have chicken mince in his menu. So thank you, Russ, for coming in. We will now plug your podcast, The Kempcast. The Kempcast. Make sure you listen to it. Great journalistic podcast. That's what Ed said at the beginning. Yeah. And now you're quoting me on that. Yeah. Well, this is how quotes work, baby. Go and check out Russ Kemp's podcast, The Kempcast. It is fantastic, The Times. I've made that up, but that's not how quotes work, baby. Check out his books. He showed us that absolutely horrific picture of a porcupine and a primate that he turned down to eat for breakfast once that was in one of his books. Yeah. Good selling point for that book. Yeah. I mean,

basically, I don't know which of his books it was in, because he didn't show us the front cover, but your challenge as the listeners is find what book that picture is in. Thank you very much, Russ. And thank you very much to you, the listener. Check us out on social media at Off Menu Official on Twitter and Instagram and offmenupodcast.co.uk on the internet websites list. Such a great thing. The internet. I learned about it in the intro today. Thank you very much for listening. We'll see you again sometime soon. Goodbye. Goodbye. If you enjoyed this podcast, can I interest you in a totally different podcast that's not about food and doesn't have James A. Castor or Ed Gamble, but I would say

is quite fun. No, thank you. Oh, okay. Not to worry. If you change your mind at a later date, it's called Nobody Panic. Right. It's hosted by me, Tessa Coates, and my friend, Stevie Martin, which is weirdly me. And we tackle all kinds of how-to's from big things to small things. How to stop saying sorry, how to poo, how to break up with someone, how to quit your job, how to relax, how to have a conversation, how to deal with unrequited love. A smorgasbord of thing. Absolutely. We have a nice time. People seem to like it. If you like, you can come and see what all the fuss is about. All that fuss. What's it called? Nobody Panic. You can find it on all of the podcast apps that you would imagine it would be on.

Please have a listen. Hello. It's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of

them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's not all the news. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.