Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 114: Shaparak Khorsandi

Episode Date: August 18, 2021

Superb stand-up comedian Shaparak Khorsandi joins the comedy rock stars of their generation Ed Gamble and James Acaster this week.See Shaparak Khorsandi on tour with ‘It Was the 90s!’. Buy tickets at shappi.co.ukShaparak’s book ‘Kissing Emma’ is out on 2 Sep. Pre-order it here.Follow Shaparak on Twitter and Instagram @shappikhorsandiRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, where we take chat, we take humour, we take good times and we put them in the pestle and mortar and we crush them into a podcast paste. Hello, James. I'm the pestle and Ed's the mortar. Pestle and mortar are two new nicknames. Yep. What really puns that we can do on our names to do with pestle and mortar, really? No, I don't think so. So just call ourselves pestle and mortar. Pestle and mortar. Pure and simple, simple and plain. Also two more sets of great nicknames. Yeah. Pure and simple and simple

and plain. Well, yeah, with that one though, who's who? With those ones. But is simple the same in both of them? Yes, I guess so. Okay. I guess I'll take simple. Well, you're a gentleman, but I think anyone listening to this podcast would probably put you as pure and plain. Yeah, but then plain. I'd rather be simple twice than pure and plain. But you've got a joke about how your face just looks like the default face of the computer game before you create it. Yeah, that's true. Maybe I'll take pure and plain then and you can be double simple. Yeah, I'm double simple. Simple, squared and PMP. Welcome to the show. Welcome along. This is the off menu podcast with a simple, squared and PMP and we invite

a guest into our dream restaurant and we ask them their favorite ever. Start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week's guest is Chapparack Cor Sandy. Chapparack Cor Sandy, a wonderful stand up and author and many, many other things. Great, James. You've done so much stuff. Fantastic comedian. We recorded this episode quite a while ago actually. A while back. And so in the episode, it might be confusing because we're calling Chapparack shabby for the whole thing. At the time, that was what Chapparack went by. Things have changed. We've recorded an intro that makes sense now, but you know, don't listen to the episode and then go, what, they switched the guest on us? They've lost their

minds. No, we simply record retroactively recording an intro and outro to make sure we get Chapparack's name correct. And don't go thinking, oh, that means that when they do a secret ingredient, because all of you lot know, you listen to the podcast and you know that we always say a secret ingredient in the first part of the podcast, this little intro, and we say if they pick the secret ingredient, then they get kicked out of the dream restaurant. And some of you are thinking now, well, they're recording this intro after they've recorded the main episode. So clearly, they picked the secret ingredient afterwards so that they don't have to kick someone out. And I think it's one big conspiracy and that Jade Adams was just someone that we just didn't take too very well and decided

to kick her out for no reason because we didn't like her. And like, that's not the case. We genuinely choose the secret ingredient ahead of time. We knew going into this episode that the secret ingredient was bergamot. We already knew that. We're not making it up now. There is no way we could come up with that and fake a secret ingredient and act like we've not picked it beforehand. We can't act, James. We can't act if we were actors. Sorry, sorry. I forgot. I'm talking to a footman from the Cinderella musical. Listen, not just a footman, also a mouse. I had to play a mouse. Spoiler warning. I play a mouse. Spoiler alert. I play a mouse and then I turn into a footman. So I had to play two roles in there. I had to play a mouse and then I had to play

a footman who used to be a mouse. So like, that's a range. That's full range acting there. So did you get the part based on the mouse or the footman? When you went into the audition, were you a mouse or were you a man? Good question, Ed. The answer, simple and plain, is I didn't have to audition because I replaced somebody who dropped out the very last minute. Right. That's how you get round that. Yeah. Is that someone drops out the very last minute and then they quickly rush around going, who can we replace them with? Yeah. And all you're going to do is be available, be affordable and be a caster, the three A's. Yeah, I was going to say, I think the last one's quite important. Yeah. Because I'm two A's. Yeah. But then also I'm G,

I'm Ag. And then you're, you're Gamble. Yeah. And no one's going to get someone called Gamble as their last minute replacement. No way. Because it just seems like tempting fate, right? They need a dead cert or an A caster. Get me in and they know he can play a mouse and he can play a footman. So in answer to the question, are you a man or a mouse, your answer is both. Is, yeah, depends what time you catch me. Sometimes I'm a mouse and sometimes I turn into a footman and then I change back into a mouse again. Spoiler alert again. So let's hear the off-menu menu of Chapparack. Chapparack. Corsandi. Welcome, Shappie, to the Dream Restaurant. Hello. I'm very excited to be here. I've washed my hands

and everything. Welcome, Shappie Corsandi to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Well, I've been sat here for ages. The waiters just seemed very, very busy and I didn't want to intrude on their thoughts. No way. This is nice. This is the first time someone has been in the waiting area of the Dream Restaurant while we served other guests. And we've, we've noticed you've been sat there. We sent out a little bowl of nibbles just to keep you busy. I know, but you mustn't let the nibbles fill me up though. You have to feed me proper food soon. Otherwise it will go to waste and that's a crime. Favorite type of nibbles? Favorite types of nibbles? Well, crisps I guess are good nibbles and I love good bread and butter. I could eat a whole meal

just bread and butter and maybe some feta cheese and a mound of herbs that you put in it and a radish like thinly sliced radish with middle eastern sort of bread. I mean, I would nibble that but then I wouldn't be able to eat my food or I would eat my food but then I'd hate myself. There is a bread, you know, a potential bread option coming up. So here at the Dream Restaurant, we wouldn't send out bread in the waiting room. It would have to be some other sort of nibble, perhaps a bowl of crisps just so you can graze. In that case, what I would really love as a nibble is what are they called? Endame beans with loads of salt. Edamame? Yes, edamame beans because they're just sort of soggy vegetable with tons of salt. So it's delicious. Yeah, quite. That's the salt is

the bit I enjoy there. Quite often, I feel like I just want to suck the pods, drive all the salt and leave the beans in there. I don't even want to bust into the beans really. There's no point to them. Sometimes I buy broad beans in their shells, boil them, put a load of salt on them and just suck on them when I watch Telly. So it just seems more civilized than directly pouring salt onto my tongue. I knew there was a reason you hadn't done Celebrity Goggle Box. Go to a lady sucking a broad bean again. They filmed it all, didn't they? And they were like, we can't put this out, she's sucking on a broad bean. I was disappointed. I still got paid though. They just said it might put people off there, not just their food, but their life. Do you want to do that in the waiting

area? Yeah, I'll suck some salt. Thank you. Have you ever waited so long at a restaurant that you've just gone forget it and then just left? Good question. Yeah, I've had to. I was with some friends and children and when children get over hungry, they become like chimpanzees that are very angry. And I had ordered a lovely takeaway from my favorite takeaway place, but it never arrived. So we went to my favorite restaurant down the road, which is like Indian Bangladeshi. And it was a Saturday night. And you know, when you go to a restaurant a lot and they know you and you're really friendly with them, when they're busy, it's you that they'll neglect because they know that you're all right, you're a mate. And so we sat there for like 40 minutes, an hour, the kids were like chewing on

the tablecloth. And in the end, I went up really apologetic. I was nearly crying from hunger myself because I am not good with hunger. I was like, almost crying, just going, he hasn't even bought his nibbles. He could have bought his nibbles. And then we ended up going home and making sandwiches. And then the restaurant that never bought the takeaway, I called them up and I said, guys, what happened? And they said, so sorry, because they know me as well, because I was ordered. They said, we had an, this isn't funny, but they had an immigration raid. And you say it's not funny, you're laughing your head off. No one was taken in. They were fine. It was no one, no one suffered, which was why it was funny. And then afterwards I thought, did they really have an immigration

raid or was it a very busy Saturday and decided that was the only excuse a regular would accept? Yeah, but they can only use that once, right? They're not going to be able to use the immigration raid excuse again. I see. I was going to ask if it felt empowering to walk away because I quite like sometimes going, no, do you know what? I'm not going to eat here and I leave because I don't like how I've been treated, but that sounds like it was quite upsetting for you. It was upsetting because it was like a close friend. I have been empowered by that. I was once at the Melbourne Comedy Festival and an outdoor pizzeria with my then husband and we waited over 45 minutes for pizzas and when they arrived they were burnt. And I said, we're not eating these, we are going

to proudly walk away. And he's a lot more sort of very sort of British about things. He was like, well, no, well, at least we should explain to them. I was like, no, we're going to walk away. And we walked away and I've worked in those sort of places. And it was one of those situations where I just thought they were relieved. Yeah. Rather if we walked away then made a complaint because they were having a rough night. You know, we all have rough nights. That's the problem. I don't feel empowered by walking away in that situation because I think you're playing into their hands. Like if they're really busy, the thing they actually want is for people to start walking away. So if anything, you should sit there for even longer as a punishment.

It's like, I've had, you know, a shit gig. And if people get really angry with me, I just go, well, it's a hazard of the trades. And that's why I'm so amazed at people that start stand up when they're older. Because you've got to be like, like for me, if I wasn't so young and everything being so chaotic anyway, but maybe that would be different. Now I'd be like, excuse me, this is the third. Someone emailed me and I didn't reply to their email. And then they emailed me the next day and said, it's very bad form of someone of your stature. What? To, to not contact someone of my stature stature. Because what she was saying was like, I'm bigger than you and I've emailed you. And it's so rude that you haven't emailed me back. Isn't that, imagine being like that.

So I didn't do what she wanted me to do. And she's, and then she wrote, that's very disappointing. Isn't that, aren't people funny? Awful. Awful, aren't people? Awful, yeah, that's what you meant. Dreadful people. Well, here at the dream restaurant, you don't need to worry about that sort of thing. Oh, good. You're the top stature. Absolutely. There's no one above you saying you should answer emails. You're the person everyone's answering the emails for. That feels nice. I feel like I'm in a warm bath in a, in a restaurant. You can be. I mean, that's all part, if you want to be in a bath in the restaurant and have one of those tables across the bath, we can bring all the food and pop it down there. Oh, how wonderful. And would you be able to provide some sort of constant heater

so it doesn't go cold? Absolutely. Look, you can have that, Shappie, but Ed is deliberately trolling the listeners there because he recently promised to take a photo of himself in that situation with the bath, with the table over it, eating a pop a dom sandwich. Yeah. Promise he would do it and video, as I said, is yet to do it. Yeah. So bringing up that bath situation, he knows that he's shaking the cage of the listeners. I'm not condoning that. What an awful man. Oh, you know what? You've put me off my bath bed because I'm now just imagining a bath of the little bits of pop a dom in it. Yeah. That's not going to make me feel clean. I've just been in there. There's shards of pop a dom in there, bobbing around. Sorry. Shards of pop a dom. Have you filmed it?

I don't like baths. I'm sorry. I don't like baths. So I'm not going to... Well, then you shouldn't have promised on the podcast. I don't like baths and, you know, I don't really like pop a doms as much as bread. I'd rather have a bit of bread in the shower. Can we do that instead? No one made you promise to the audience that you would sit in a bath and eat a pop a dom. You did that by yourself. Yeah. I even tried to warn you against it on the episode, and you doubled down. So don't start saying now that you don't like baths. Well, if, like, you drop your bread in the bath and it goes soggy just the way ducks like it, and then ducks fly into your bath in your restaurant, that would ruin everything. It depends what's on the menu.

You haven't thought this through. How do you relax and if you don't like baths? Baths make me put me on edge. Oh, interesting. I can stand in the shower for, you know, up to half an hour, have a little think. Much prefer that. Not a bath. Horrible. You can see everything. Oh, but that's lovely. I don't want to look at it. I don't want to look at this. You can see everything in the shower as well, Ed. I mean... Yeah, but I can just look ahead in the shower, can't I? I don't know how you're showering. I can look right ahead or look up, just look away. Do that in the bath as well. You can look at the ceiling if you want. No, it's right there, James. It's right there. It's always right there. Your body is always in the same place. Shabby,

back me up on this. You have... Still a little sparkling water, and if you want it in your bath or if you want to drink it. No, no. I'd like to drink it. I'll drink the sparkling water. Do you know what I remembered when I was preparing myself emotionally and mentally for speaking with you today? I was thinking about food throughout my life. I get really serious. Stop me if I'm getting serious. In the olden days, when like plane travel was very different and very quite a bit special, aeroplane food was different, so it wasn't cooked like it is now. It was little compartments in this big box, and then it would have everything just cute and wrapped up, a little cube of cheese and a little slice of

sandwich and a little like this. And my brother and I thought this was adorable. We were like in primary school. And so my dad, on a flight back from somewhere for work, he didn't eat his meal, but he kept it. And the air steward said, did you not enjoy the meal? He said, yes. And my dad right. I can't explain just how foreign my dad is. Like Iranian people find him very foreign. He's Iranian. He's the most. Thanks for clarifying he's Iranian, because otherwise if people didn't know that, that would be a really weird thing to say. It's a peculiarity of Iranians that they always assume Swiss people and Nigerians. So he said to them, no, my children like the food. And what he meant was my children get a bit of a kick out of aeroplane food. So I'm going to take

this home because we were like, you know, five and six. And the air steward thought that he needed food to feed his kids. So as he left the plane, they came and found him with a little bag and they put five more boxes and pressed them into his hand and said, for your children. Bit of a result for you and your brother though. You must have been so happy with that. Well, it was weird, though, that aeroplane food. It's like it only tastes good on the aeroplane. When he bought it home, it was like this weird stale machine nonsense that we didn't really enjoy. But they didn't spoil my childhood, that particular afternoon. But it taught me a lesson that some things you have to have in situ. Yeah, fair enough. So you want sparkling water, is that

right? Yes, please. Are you drinking sparkling water right now, Shabby? I am. I'm drinking San Pellegrino, which is my sparkling water of choice. How much sparkling water do you drink? Because you're swigging out the bottle there. This seems like a regular occurrence. You're drinking a bottle every day? I drink a bottle every day because everyone else in lockdown has been drinking alcohol and I can't really because I live alone with my kids. It's just a bit weird to suddenly hit the bottle. And I find sparkling water, it's like alcohol. It's just it's got a bit of a kick to it, hasn't it? Do I sound really desperate? Well, yeah, a little bit. Just because it's like alcohol because it's got a bit of a kick. I couldn't think of anything

less similar to alcohol really. Yes. Yeah. And especially San Pellegrino because it's just so fizzy, this brand of alcohol I'm drinking. I mean, you have got on the mounted on the wall there some sort of a mini bar of sorts. I've got a bar. I've got one of those 1950s bars in my front room. It's a little present I bought for myself when I got back from I'm a celebrity. And it's very special to me, this bar. And I don't really, I don't sort of sit at home and go, oh, I'll go to my bar and pour myself a drink like they do in black and white film. They just casually pour themselves a scotch. Yeah. That would ruin me, ruin me. Imagine that in the middle of the afternoon. Imagine, but instead you have a San Pellegrino and you go, woohoo, I'm hammered.

You should really because you've got the full optics up there. So like the upside down bottles with the, with the things you should replace all of those bottles with San Pellegrino. And then no one ever would ever come to my party. Poppidoms or bread? Bread, bread, always bread. What are you thinking of? It's that's like saying a toad or a kitten. It's two very different things, very different things. A poppidom is a large crisp and a bread is the food of the gods. No disrespect to poppidoms. No disrespect to poppidoms, but they're the food equivalent of a toad. I love toads. Okay. Well, let me ask you this, toad or kitten?

Good question, actually. Oh no. Now I feel, do you know what? Now I feel like I'm going to be canceled because I likened a poppidom to a toad. I love poppidoms. I would like to say that. Kitten, I think. I would prefer to have a pet kitten than a pet toad. In fact, I do have two pet cats, so I don't have two large toads bopping about my house. You said you like a bath. Kittens can't get in the bath with you. They can't. Do you know what? I've changed my mind. I'd like a big toad, please. Absolutely. With a poppidom between its toes, it can't because it's webbed. Yeah. A poppidom in its mouth with a fly on it. That's my ideal meal. We're done.

If you're in the bath, you could put a poppidom in and the toad could sit on it like a big lily pad. Yeah. Oh, that's a beautiful idea because that would last for exactly three seconds before it sank, which is my attention span. So, but may I ask you, is it okay if this is lunch rather than dinner? Yes. Yeah. Because dinner frustrates me. I love lunch and I love breakfast, but dinner, I just want to be running around. I find dinners all come to my birthday dinner. I feel, I feel shackled by a dinner because you can't choose the time. Often it's at eight. I don't eat that late. And I have to say, like, can I come earlier and eat at six, please? I find it very stressful going for dinners, especially if there's loads of people. I just

think what's the point? We could have all had a sandwich before we came and then just stood around and chatted. So you don't like dinners because you want to be bouncing around doing stuff in the evening. Whereas lunch, you like to sit down and take your time and have a nice lunch. Yeah. And I think lunch is, it's more socially acceptable to get up from a lunch table and have a wander around. But dinners just tend to be a bit more heavy. Unless it's like a dinner party at somebody's house and it's round the table and it's small, I can handle up to sort of six people. But I went to a dinner in a pub when I was 17. It was my friend's sister's 21st birthday. I knew I was no good at dinners. It was strangers because I'm shy as well. And I went and I'm 17.

Everyone there was like university students. It was horrible. And I couldn't talk to anyone. And then suddenly people were looking at me and I didn't really understand why. And I couldn't say anything because my throat had seized up and my jaw had seized up in a sob of anxiety. And I realized I had tears running down my face. So I basically just sat at this dinner at 17 and was crying. Do you feel like that was because it was a dinner? Do you think it wouldn't have happened if it was lunch? If it was a buffet, it would have been all right. There's always something to talk to someone about a buffet. If you're up at the buffet with someone, you can be like, oh, this is a nice spread, isn't it? Or what are you going for? You're on your second trip, are you?

That sort of thing. Where should I put my stick? You know, the whole sort of... Buffet chat. That stick conversation. Buffet chat. That's all good. And do you know, even telling you that story, I had anxiety. And you know, the other reason, I've been to one hen night in my entire life. I was 21. Okay, this is how old I am. There were no mobile phones. And there was a restaurant where you had a telephone on each table. My children tell me off for saying telephone. It's like saying wireless, apparently, instead of the radio. There's a telephone on each table, and each table has a number. And you can phone a table. You can go, hi, this is table number 14. And you phone a bunch of people and you have a chat. And it's a flirty thing.

Every single girl at that hen night got a phone call from a boy at another table, except for me. I became the receptionist. I just went, I'll be the receptionist. And I said, oh, hello, this table. And I said, it's for you. And no one. So I just find dinners with people I don't know, so stressful. Because so can I have my meal in the dream restaurant just utterly alone? Absolutely. You can be utterly alone. I have some more questions about this. Situation that I've never heard of before. When there's a phone on every table and people are allowed to read the tables. And you were the only person who didn't get a phone call. Does that mean that when the guys rang the table, they were like, hello, can I speak to the lady in

the yellow dress, please? Hello, can I speak to the lady with the brown hair? And they were specifically asking for individuals. Yeah, no one said, can I speak to the pudgy, frizzy-haired woman that's crying. Oh, it's very stressful. I didn't realize how stressed I'd get talking about my past restaurant traumas. Now I'm really worried that anyone listening will go, well, I'm never inviting her to a dinner. I do like to be a guest. It just has to be small and with people who are friendly and fancy me. And everyone else in the restaurant has to fancy you. And they have to call you to tell you. Oh my God, do you know what happened to me once? I won't tell you his name, because you'll know him. Well, then I'd like to know his name, please. I'll tell you later.

This comedian took me out to dinner once on a date. And he took me to this really lush, fancy French restaurant on the King's Road. And I went to the Lou. And when I came back from the Lou, the waiter came over with a glass of champagne. And the waiter said, this has been sent to you by a secret admirer, right? Any normal human being would guess that my date had arranged this while I was in the Lou. I thought, oh, dear, another man in the restaurant. So I've got to make sure I don't make my date feel bad. So I just enjoyed the champagne. I said, oh, you know, that's sweet, isn't it? That's something that is probably a perv. And then on the way out, he goes, Shopee, you do realize that that was me that sent through the champagne. And I felt so stupid.

I think that's a weird thing to do, though. Do you think that's, that feels like a move they've done on other dates for a start? Yeah, he was quite a bit older than me. He knew what he was doing. Okay, now we're narrowing it down. What do you want as your starter, your dream starter for lunch? Okay, my dream starter is something that I haven't had enough in my life, but it has to be made in a particular way. It's jumbo king prawns barbecued by a real Australian. No fake Australians. No, I used to have these Australian neighbors, and they were always barbecuing even in the winter. And they would hand me plates over the wall. And I just was so full of admiration for the way they do food. And I just think Australians just don't muck about with food.

They appreciate it. They feed you. They're almost Eastern in the way they need to feed you and they need to feed their guests. And I haven't eaten enough barbecued shrimp in my life. And I would like lots of garlic on them somehow as well. So when you said by a real Australian, what's the criteria there? They've got to be really smiley. They've got to look good in and out of clothes, because that's how I imagine all Australians are. They just look good in and out of clothes, as we all do in our own special ways, Ed. And I would like them to have, oh, God, who am I kidding? It's a bloke. Okay, if it's a bloke, he's got to have sandy blonde hair just past his ears. And if it's a girl, she's got to have a really luscious, bouncy, brown ponytail,

a really good thick ponytail, no makeup, really, really healthy looking people. They are. Is this what your neighbours look like? Are you just describing your neighbours? Yes, this is what they look like. And when you say they look good in and out of clothes, was that you looking through their window or? Well, I went to the Gold Coast and everyone walked around naked practically, and they all looked amazing. And they all had like a whole arm tattoo. So maybe that as well. A sleeve, I believe they're just called a sleeve. I'd like them to have a tattoo sleeve, please. I mean, let's drill down into specifics. What are the tattoos of? Just happy things. Like shrimp, like jumbo shrimp. Shrimp, Barbie, Kylie, maybe like

a tattoo of Max from neighbours. I'm just making everyone who's Australian hate me right now. But they have no hate in their hearts. That's the thing about Australians, they have no hate. And nothing makes me sadder in Britain when it's a really, really rainy day and you see a wet Australian. I just think, oh, you poor little sweetheart, you've been, you're out of your natural habitat. So I think it's our duty to dry them off. I saw a duck in a road once and it was nowhere near any pond. And the duck was like clearly baffled. Is that the sort of same vibes as a wet Australian? That's exactly the same vibe. I saw a duck like that and I called the RSPCA who didn't want to know. So I put it in my coat and went

to one of the big fancy royal parks and released it to the pond and it shat all over my coat and I throw the coat away. I wouldn't do that to an Australian. I trust them not to shit in my coat. You wouldn't put an Australian in your coat and like take them to the airport or something? Not without their consent. I deport a wet Australian. I don't have the power to deport Australians but no, I'd certainly dry them off, definitely. Can you tell I miss going to Australia to the festivals? You definitely miss Australians. This is the first time I think in off menu history where someone has mentioned the food briefly at the beginning and then given a very detailed description on who's cooking it. Yeah, it's got to be someone that loves you a little bit,

that cooks for you. So of all the Australians in the world, what Australian do you think loves you the most? Probably Judy who used to be my son's nanny. I think Judy loves me because she stayed in touch. I think Tim mentions fond of me because he will cross a room to say hello even now that he's a megastar but I don't think he loves me. I think that if I died he'd write an emotional tweet. But not a song. Not a song, no. So your son's own nanny is cooking these shrimp or Tim mentioned it? I think my nanny should cook the shrimp because the last time I had shrimp was with her in Australia. That wasn't when I was in Melbourne at the same time as you, was it all? No, the time you were in Melbourne with me, I think that was 2014. Different nanny. Yeah,

but I have got photos of you cradling my children which is adorable and I've got to tell you this you too and I'm sure you'll get a lot of parents telling you this because you are the comedy rock stars of this generation. Correct. My son is like, he's 13 and I was emailing someone whose surname was Gamble and he looked over my shoulder and he goes, oh, is that a relation of Ed Gamble? I was like, how do you know Ed Gamble? And he went, well, he does a podcast with James Acaster. I was like, oh my god, the Off Menu podcast and he was like, yeah, like why are you even mentioning that to me because like, I'm so cool. I don't want my mother to be in my sphere. And I went, I'm on that podcast. Thank you very much on Tuesday and I tell you he's lost respect for you

both. Oh, that could have gone either way, couldn't it? It was never going to be that you, you gained any of his respect. Oh god, no, he's 13. Absolutely not. He's never going to watch or listen to anything you two have ever done. Oh no, we used to be rock stars, man. We didn't really delve into the jumbo shrimp but like it doesn't matter. I wanted to ask how jumbo are we talking? How big? Biggest shrimps you can find. Yeah. I want them to have eyelashes. So your main course, yeah. I've struggled with this, I'll be honest with you. I have struggled with my main course because I'm so into starters that the main course is always a little bit of a disappointment. May I please have something really fiddly because I don't like to trough when I'm

eating in company. I like to have picky food. So maybe a giant pot of mussels with some really skinny chips. I would say the skinny chips is what excites me there because with a pot of mussels, as nice as mussels are, they're fiddly and whatever, but the chips, skinny chips with the mussels are what tips are over the edge. So good. Yeah. Either just like eating them as they are, the chips, or dipping them in the sauce. That might be my favorite way to have skinny fries is with a pot of mussels. And I know we haven't got to drinks but can it count as a food because it's liquid bread? Can I have a cold lager with that? Yeah. I reckon so, seeing as you've put in the argument of it counting as food because it's liquid bread. Yeah. So I won't have bread with my mussels but

we'll have a beer instead of bread. Thank you. Because it's like a bread smoothie essentially. Yeah. Yeah. Going off menu. See? Yeah. There you go. It's the first time someone said it. How many episodes? No one's done that. I've not had mussels in ages. I'd never really choose them apart from, in Edinburgh, there's a restaurant at the bottom of Victoria Street called, I think it's just called Mussels and Steak Restaurant. I can't remember what it's called, but it was the place when I did Edinburgh as a student, when my parents came to visit to watch the show and obviously you're like, well, I've got no money to go to a nice restaurant. This is where you've got to take me here. And it would always be a bucket of mussels and some skinny fries. And that,

oh God, they tasted so good. Heaven, really nice. Nice to share. So now I'm thinking maybe I should have had a companion. But that'll start to stress you out. Can it be someone I just have a laugh with, someone I know really well? Who? I have a friend called Andy who always has interesting, funny things to say. So probably him. Yeah. Because we both love food and he's got really brilliant knowledge of books and films and music. And he always entertains me with his chat. In the mussels, what's going on there? Is it like white wine, garlic? Just garlic. Just garlic. Feed me garlic. Yeah. I went to a restaurant in San Francisco once. Apparently it was at part owned by Madonna. I can't remember. It was quite, I don't even know if it's still there,

called the Stinky Rose. And the idea is to have something with your garlic. And you sit down at this restaurant and they give you a bowl of mashed garlic that you just spoon into your gob. But I think you're supposed to get a bit of bread. I wish I was made of garlic. I love garlic so much. Hang on. That's an interesting thing. Let's dig down into that. You love garlic so much, you wish you were made of garlic. I'd bite myself. How quickly do you think you'd last if you were made of garlic? I'd have no hands in three seconds. You'd go for your hands first? Hands first. Terrible, isn't it? Because I'd use my hand to pull my cheeks off. I think my cheeks would make good garlic because they're quite, you know, quite squashy and baked, you know, nice,

not hard garlic. It's got to be either pickled for at least like three years or it's got to be roasted mush, mush, mush. Yeah. Sometimes I just get a clove of garlic and I roast it as a snack. I wonder why I don't have a partner. I stink. Moving on to your side dish. Is that your side? Is it all the garlic from the stinky roast? Garlic mush, please. Served by Madonna. Thank you. Madonna's there now. So we've got Madonna, your Australian friend. Yeah. There's a telephone on the table as well. Telephone on the table. Oh, there's a call coming. There's a call coming through. It's from some gentleman at another table. They want to speak to the lady who stinks. Oh my God, that's me. All this trauma undone. Thank

you, Ed. Thank you, Ed. I needed that. You were quite excited there because I could see in your eyes you were like, oh, it's going to be for Madonna. And then when Ed said the lady who stinks, you were like, oh, what? Because Madonna doesn't, I've met Madonna. She's fragrant. She smells nice. Have you met Madonna? When I say I met her, I was in the toilets with her at the Comedy Awards once just next to her at the sink putting on lipstick. Did you say anything to Madonna at the sink? I smiled. And then Brit Eklund dropped her sunglasses and it was very packed toilet and then someone else like accidentally kicked them and I scrambled around the toilet floor getting Brit Eklund's sunglasses and she got them. She put them back on her face and she goes,

thank you. And left. So I spoke to Brit Eklund. We got deep. Which year was this? It would have been about 2011-ish or 2012-ish. I was nominated for something. So it would have been 2011 because that's when I used to get nominated for things. I'm a happier person now. I'm no longer scrambling around on the floor picking up celebrities' glasses. Now you're the person who's dropping your sunglasses on the floor. And saying, Oi Madonna get them for me. Remember who won Comedy Awards that night? It was Jo Brand won my category as she should have done frankly. Sarah Millican, I sat next to her. The three of us were nominated and she doesn't drink. And at the time I did Little Else Buck Drink. And so I just remember it was one of those sort of things where I thought, oh god

poor woman. She's just sat next to this lush and I was just like drinking the champagne. I was going on about the champagne. I was pointing something out to her about it. And Goldie Horn was on stage. And she said, how can you be looking at that and not what's going on on stage? And I just thought, oh god she's so professional. She looks in the right direction. And then on telly they showed me necking champagne from the bottle. I was only mucking about. I was only being silly. And I got loads of hate online saying that you think you're really cool necking champagne, but you're not. Really? That was the trolling in those days. And the old days trolling wasn't as harsh. It was like, oh you thought you were big and clever drinking from the bottle, but I'm here to tell you you're

not Missy or not. Do you know what? And again this is how old I've become. When I see a younger comic be trolled because of something they've said on telly, I get so upset because I properly feel maternal whether they want me to or not. Saying you feel maternal about young comics. If you woke up tomorrow and your actual children were now comedians and two comedians were your children and they've swapped places. So your children now have the career of two specific comics and those comics are now your kids. What swap would you want to do? Okay, so I would like my son to have Bill Bailey's career and Bill Bailey be my boy. I didn't know. I didn't think you were going to choose someone

older than you. Because we are so funny. Bill Bailey's your little boy. Okay, that's great. That's brilliant. And I'm imagining him the size of a child, but still looking exactly the same. Definitely. And wearing dungarees. Okay. And I think that's because I've met Bill Bailey. He's extraordinarily nice. Now when you say you've met him, do you mean you stood next to him at a sink? And I've met his wife and she's incredibly lovely and I would like my child to do as well in their life partner. Just to let you know, obviously you've met his wife and she was lovely, but you are essentially breaking up their relationship with this choice because now he's my child. Now he's your child. Yeah. Can she also be my child? No, your son's going to be

married to Bill Bailey's wife. Oh, that's bizarre. And my daughter, I think she would really enjoy Graham Norton's career. Wouldn't we all? Yeah, but I think it's a specific thing with VV is that she, if she met you two, she would find out everything about your lives from who you were dating, if you were married, what your favorite color was, what your favorite food was, and she wouldn't just ask you for the sake of it. It would matter to her. And Graham does that thing as well where he does that agony aunt thing on his radio show. People ring up with problems and he sort of does the agony aunt bit. And I think she would absolutely love that her greatest thing in life would be to talk to as many people as possible, intimately, and have a giggle. So if I could

have Graham Norton as my child, please, and give his career to my daughter. Thank you. I'm now raising Bill Bailey and Graham Norton. Perfect. I should move on to your favorite drink. Can I have one alcoholic, one non-alcoholic? Yeah. Espresso Martini, please. Thank you. I love Espresso Martini's with all my heart. Whatever's going on in my life that's making me feel sad, I think one day I will be standing at a bar with friendly people holding an Espresso Martini. That makes me so happy. Not really, really sad. I just mean mine is sad. Like we repotted my plant yesterday and the mud went everywhere because the dogs came in. That's sort of sad. So how quickly, from something like that happening, so the dogs came in, got mud everywhere, how quickly are you going Espresso

Martini? Everything's going to be fine. Immediately. As I'm cleaning up and cursing the day I got two massive dogs, I want an Espresso Martini, and it's hard in lockdown because I can't really buy an Espresso Martini. You have to go to the supermarket and get one in a can and pour it into the glass from a height so it froths. Make your own. That's what my son said to me. He said you can make your own, and he's promised to make me one. Which son? Bill Bailey or Graham Norton? Bill Bailey. Why don't you just make your own an Espresso Martini? Yeah. Who was that an impression of James? No one. I didn't even think. I'm not confident enough. It looked like you were trying to do an impression of Graham Norton and backed out two seconds ago. Why don't you just try and

make your own Espresso Martini? We've got an Espresso Martini, a proper one from a bar, not just you pouring a can in from a height. The other drink I would like, it's something called Douq, D-O-O-G-H. It's the Iranian q sound, Douq, and I'm going to choose this because I feel like I'm on desert island discs. Just to let you know, the face James just made, he's now obviously thinking about when he has to read the order back at the end. What an absolute disaster he's going to make of that. Exactly what I'm thinking about. It's like Doug, but Douq. So not like Doug. Douq. I thought your face, James, was that face sometimes people put on when they go, oh, she's talking about her culture. I really feel for sort of, you know,

I hate to say white people, but I've just said it, where like white people pull that have to, oh right, she's the cultural thing. Yeah, yeah, this is my favorite interest, a lovely interesting interest, because if you don't look interested, then you fear that you look racist. So fear not. So what I enjoy about Douq is that you only like it if you have been raised with it. It's it's not even an acquired taste. You have to have been fed it as a child. The most foodie, open minded people hate it. It looks like a lassi, like, you know, like the Indian lassi, but nothing like it. It's salty and it's fermented yogurt. So it's gassy with a bit of mint and like a valley of salt. And anyone that hasn't been raised with it that drinks it or always goes,

it's like sea water. But it is the most delicious thing, the most refreshing thing. And so I would like to have a nice glass of Douq with my meal, because I feel that I've added nothing of my Iranian heritage to this sumptuous meal. And I ought to. So how, how am I pronouncing this? This is the only question. Okay, can you make this sound? It's a gentle sound at the back of your I'm pretty sure James is just saying duck in a Jordy accent at this point. Well, that's a step forward. I've never been able to do a Jordy accent before, so this is helping me. James, can you also, this is like, because my proper name is Khorsandi. Can you do a very gentle Kh sound? Say Douq Mikham. Douq, Douq, Douq Mikham. Douq Mikham. There, I want some Douq. Say Lot Fan,

as well. Otherwise you sound rude. Lot Fan. Lot Fan. Lot Fan. Douq Mikham. Oh my God. You sound just like my dad. That's amazing. James trying to do accent is the most vulnerable you'll ever see him. Yep. Especially in this situation where he doesn't want to upset anyone. He doesn't want to offend anyone. He's just so quietly, quiet, not leaning into it. I'm so sorry. It's so apologetic, so vulnerable. It's really sweet. It's adorable. You were really enjoying it, Ed. I can see you on the screen really laughing into your head. Because you always extend an arm as well. I wish people could see that. You always extend an arm like you're doing Shakespeare because you're offering out, you're offering Shappie just like, please. Please, Shappie. It's like I'm trying to

pick something up from the air, like an aerial, like maybe the language would just like, you know. Do you know what, James? You're one of those ultra, ultra nice people that's so wanting not to offend anyone. If I made you an Iranian meal, as I have done many times for my non-Iranian friends of, say, Khoresh Gheime. Oh, there's another khat in Khoresh Gheime. And Gheime has got dried, you put about six or seven dried limes in it for the flavor. It's amazing. No human being eats the dried limes, but you would be the guy sort of quietly trying to dig your fork into something as tough as a rhino's hide because you're too bashful to say, am I meant to eat this or do I leave it on the side? You leave it on the side, James. Never eat dried limes. I would eat it. I

would eat the dried lime. And so thank you and ask for seconds. Can I have some more dried lime, please? Thank you. You'd be chewing it for three days. What's James doing? Haven't heard from him for a while. He's chewing dried lime. We now get to the dessert, my favorite course of them all. But you said that starters were your favorite, which has made me a little bit trepidatious right now. I've got some trepidation. But you must be ready for some, are you ready for something sweet now because you've just had something very salty, right? Yeah, and very garlicky. Yeah. So here's what I would like for my pudding and it's got to be exactly what I'm describing, please. I would like chocolate sponge and chocolate sauce pudding from 1980s school dinners served by a proper

1980s dinner lady. Here we go. Strapping, classic shabby. She's about to describe exactly who's serving it to her. Yes. So she's very kind. Her name is Edie. She's got a sleeve tattoo of a ladle. She's got all her kids and her grandkids have been to Montpelier school, school I went to, and she's got a massive dish of the chocolate sauce and she always gives me, she always gives me an extra helping with a little bit of a wink because she says, because I bet you don't have food like this at home, do you? She was adorable. Edie isn't her real name. Great. You've invited a racist year meal. No, it's not racist. It's not racist. It's adorable. It's the 1980s. She, yeah, bless her. She'd always say that. Because a thing is Iranian food isn't spicy, spicy. It's not hot.

It's more like Greek or Turkish food. And so she'd always give me a little extra helping. As she was right, we never had like puddings at home. We had like Iranian sweets or chocolate. We didn't have puddings. And that chocolate sponge and chocolate sauce as a child was the entire point of school for me. So it's like the, yeah, like schooled in a chocolate cake. My memory of it, the sponge is by itself, it's just so dry. You couldn't eat that by itself at all. So you've just got to cover it in that custard and then it's mother. And then it's nice. And now you see, I find it's, I live a lot of my life through my daughter. So my daughter, Vivi, is like a version of me, but so much better. Well, she's got her own chat show. She's got her own chat show. And

also she's really open about her love of chocolate sponge and chocolate sauce. Like she will only have school dinners. She asked to see this is what it's like at schools now. The kids asked to see the menu because they have the same menu. And she goes, okay, I'm going to have school dinners on this day and this day. The rest of the time you make me pat lunch because this day I've got chocolate sauce and chocolate sponge and this day I've got like whatever else I like. And also, you know, what else my daughter did? So at school, my dream was to be Mary because that was the main part in the nativity play. And I was never Mary. I was a shepherd. And one year, shepherd course and shepherd. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Do you not think that I went through all of this? Apologies.

Apologies. So the teacher said Mary was from the Middle East, right? And so we're going to have someone that looks Middle East and play Mary this year. And you know, when you think it's your name. It's like, have you seen Zoolander? Yeah. When he so thinks he's one that he they say his name and he doesn't even hear it. It was like that. It was exact. I can't watch Zoolander again because of that. They said it is Natasha Beruzzi and Natasha Beruzzi was only half Iranian. And I was a shepherd once again. But do you know who was Mary and my daughter's school activity? My daughter. I was the only parent that stood up and applauded at the end. Just going, eat shit, you bastards. And yeah. You could all eat a bag of shit. That's my daughter. I ruined it. I ruined the play for

all the children. They were crying. The donkey left. It was horrible. My daughter was Mary. And that to date after 20 years of doing stand up was the greatest moment in my career was when my daughter was married. Yeah. Oh, God, if I shared too much. No, perfect. I love it. The perfect amount. I'm going to read your menu back to you now, Shappie. See how you feel about it. Okay. You would like sparkling water. You're having bread for poppins or bread. We didn't even go into what bread that would be. Oh, just a really bog standard baguette, please. A bog standard baguette. I'll write that down. Starter jumbo king prawns barbecued by a real Australian brackets, your nanny. My old nanny. Thank you. Your old nanny. Main course, giant pot of mussels with skinny chips

with a cold lager, side dish, mushed garlic from the stinky rose served by Madonna. Drink a espresso martini slash duke. Perfect. You did it perfectly. Yeah. Dessert, chocolate sponge and chocolate sauce pudding from 1980s school dinners served by Edie, the 1980s dinner lady. Thank you. Yeah. Now for someone who said at the beginning you wanted to have this meal alone. Yeah. Yeah. Loads of people turning up, aren't they? I hate being alone. It's really rubbish. I suffer in company sometimes, but I also really hate being alone. So yes, I have, haven't I? I've got people in. But they're making cameos in the meal, right? So you never feel like you're stuck in a situation. They're just, they're in and out, bit of fun, and then they're gone again. Yeah. But you know,

also, I'm actually thinking, oh God, after the time I've spent with you guys doing this, I'm actually thinking I'm like quite like you guys to be my children. Is it too late to change that? No, I don't. Bill Bailey and Graham Norton. I'm sure they'll be very happy to go back to their careers. Your children will be hosting this. Yeah. Yeah. I think that you're, I think you're really nice, well-rounded people. And I think that my children would enjoy your lives. Me and James would love to be brothers, actually. Yeah, we've been pretty good brothers. Well, thank you for coming into the dream. My pleasure. Thank you so much, Shappie. There we have it, James, the off-menu menu of Shaperak or Sandy. Wow. What a menu. So many

tales as well. It was a pleasure to talk to Shaperak. What an amazing episode of Off Menu. Another goal for the boys. That James actually isn't here. He just records some lines that we're playing in now, some sort of general outro lines and then I react to them. So another goal for the boys. It's been a pleasure, Ed. What a great episode. Bonito, you plonker. There we go. That's the classic that fits all episodes. Shaperak did not say bergamot, thank the Lord, because we wanted to keep her there. And you know what? What a lovely old time. Go and see Shaperak on tour. It was the 90s, is the name of her tour. It starts in October. So going by tickets for that. And her book Kissing Emma is published on the 2nd of September, James. Buy it now,

available in all good bookstores. Just go to the internet and pick yourself up a coffee. Cast on, cast on, cast on, press. I'm a little baby and I drink it from the brayest. That's one of the ones we should have got James to rerecord when he says go to the internet and pick yourself up a coffee. It's quite specific to people releasing coffees. So thank you very much to Shaperak for coming on the podcast. My tour is called Electric. It's on sale at gamble.co.uk, starts in February. Go to it. Thank you. Thank you from me, Ed Gamble, and thank you from James Acaster, aka SimpleSquare. Hello, it's Harry Hill here. I'm recording this trailer for my new podcast, Harry Hill's Noise.

Basically, it's a half hour of ambient sound and then at some point during the podcast, I make a noise. Now, when you're listening to it, you'll forget that I'm about to make a noise and you'll get lulled into it and then I'll make the noise and it'll be really funny. I mean, it doesn't sound like a regular podcast, does it? But believe me, you can really love it. So why don't you subscribe now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and A-Cast. It's called Harry Hill's Noise and it's coming soon. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's

never been the same since and I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on, James and Ed, but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off and that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog.

You've left it so late.