Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 115: Isy Suttie (Live at Royal Festival Hall)

Episode Date: August 21, 2021

Last month, the Off Menu boys took to the stage at the Southbank Centre’s Royal Festival Hall in London for our first ever live show. Couldn’t be there? Here’s your chance to relive the show. And who better to be our guest for the first live Off Menu than Isy Suttie!Isy Suttie’s book ‘Jane is Trying’ is out now. Buy it here.Isy’s podcast ‘The Things We Do For Love’ is available wherever you listen to podcasts.For Isy Suttie on Twitter @isysuttieRecorded by Southbank Centre. Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Hello, and welcome to a bonus Off Menu podcast, James. Very exciting. I'm very excited, Ed. We did two live Off Menus, the very first that we've ever done at the Royal Festival Hall Southbank Centre. And thank you to everybody who showed up. We had such a brilliant time. I'm very excited to be able to present them in podcast form now. In podcast form, what a couple of nights they were. I genuinely, oh, I had such a nice time, James. Such a nice time. You looked like such a happy boy on stage. It was nice to see you look

so happy. So much participation from the audience. Yes. It was shout-outs that weren't too much. It was actually quite welcome. It was well-balanced, I thought. I mean, I'm sure you'll hear some of those in the slightly edited-down version of the shows. Obviously, we did a few things at the beginning, which won't make sense in a podcast form. They were very much for the live audience only. But you'll be hearing most of what happened that night. It was a lot of fun. This first one that we are going to present to you in a bonus episode format, I think we should change the name of the bonus episodes as a new strand called The Great Benito Presents. I don't know how you think about that. Yes, The Great Benito Presents Off Menu Live featuring Izzy Sooty.

Featuring Izzy Sooty, wonderful comedian, actor, writer. She does all of that stuff. She's just written a book, James. Yes, she's just bought out a book called Jane is Trying. She should all go and buy that now. Lap it up. And I'll tell you what, once you've listened to this wonderful live episode, you'll definitely be going out and buying it because what a wonderful guest. She was an awesome, awesome guest. She's also got a podcast called The Things We Do For Love. That's well worth checking out as well. All of the stuff like secret ingredient, proper intros, that all happened live. So you're going to hear that right now. So for now, all I can say is enjoy the off menu menu of Izzy Sooty Live.

That was a bit much actually. Thank you very much. Welcome to Off Menu Live. Oh, you want me to do a proper, literally, as we were standing back there, James went, have you written your food based intro to tonight? I went, oh, I genuinely haven't not thought about it. So welcome to Off Menu Live, taking the muffin of conversation, peppering it with the blueberries of chat, and putting it in one of those little paper things cases that represent humour. How does that, how's that? Not your best, not your worst. I like it. Do you like it? I like them every time you do those little intros. And I definitely like, I like that tonight you got to see Ed having to figure it out in real time because

normally when we do each episode, he's completely forgotten that he has to do that intro and he gets told, oh, fuck, and then starts having to think of it on the spot. So it's really nice that you all got to see it tonight. That's what tonight's about, right? Yeah, what putting me under pressure and watching me fucking flounder. Yeah, that's, that's what it's all about. What a welcome. Someone actually threw the devil horns over there when we walked on. Don't find the devil horns. See, some people are here from Ed's fan base. And the other people who were very quiet when we came on, that's my lot. Yeah. The people reading books and stuff. Yeah, that's your lot. The dweebs. Yeah, the dweebs are in.

Thank you, dweebs. Immediately out of yourself as not being to it, no dweeb would ever make that noise. All we would hear would be, oh, that's all we. Little dweeby noise. Hey, listen, we're going to tell you what the format of tonight is anyway, but give me a cheer if you're already familiar with what the format of the night is going to be. All right, that's fine. Can I, I mean, let's, but let's not beat around the bush. The format is slight, isn't it? The format is very light. And the fact that you're all here for what we do is fucking insane, quite frankly.

Yeah, if you asked any of when, when last year, before the pandemic, we went to America to record some episodes. And when we told all of our guests there what our podcast was, they didn't look at us like it was a good idea. No. Or like we were smart for going to America to record some of them. But, you know, it's very simple. We have a dream restaurant and every single week we bring a guest in and we ask them their favorite ever, start a main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order. And Oh, you should have practiced that as well. That's good. I mean, I didn't realize, you don't realize until you say it in front of a room

for the people how much it's actually a bit of a catchphrase, actually. Yeah. We've ended up with a few catchphrases because of this. Never thought I'd be a catchphrase comic, but this is where we are now. Should we say who the guest is now? Today we're welcoming to the dream restaurant, Izzy Surty. Not yet, though. Oh, before we do that, though, actually, before we do that, every single episode of Off Menu, we always have a secret ingredient. Oh, yeah, good point. And if the guest says it, we kick them out of the dream restaurant. Now, our guest currently can't hear what's going on. We've made sure that you've got headphones on playing music. So we're going to let you guys decide what the secret ingredient is for the...

Yeah, genuine excitement. You sad fuckers. Look who's finally shown up for the fucking... Oh, now you're excited. No, let's see it. What would you guys... Do you know what? I didn't think it through. I'm on my hands up there. That's my fault. I think we're going to have to do a polite show of hands and then we're going to go bam, bam, bam. There was already a show out for Bleastdale. Back there, you're like, well, that's not fair. Bleastdale is here, though, isn't he? Bleastdale! Bleastdale!

Bleastdale! Bleastdale! Bleastdale! Bleastdale! Bleastdale! Bleastdale! Sit down, Bleastdale. Come on, mate. Bleastdale in the flesh! A lovely man over there where Bleastdale stood up and then was waving and everyone's going mad and he just took his mask off and they say, it is me. It is really me.

I'm pretty sure this makes me part of the show now, mask off. Bleastdale! Bleastdale's here. Bleastdale, if you've got an idea for a secret ingredient that we can do tonight, Bleastdale, I think that would be a very special moment. Again, for those of you who don't know, there has been some episodes of the podcast where we had suggestions from the public as to what the secret ingredient should be. Bleastdale suggested one once, and I really enjoyed shouting his name repeatedly.

And since then, everyone who's recommended something for the podcast, Food Wires, Secret Ingredients Wires, has been called Bleastdale. Any ideas, Bleastdale? Patron Peppers. Patron Peppers? Go fuck yourselves, Bleastdale. They're delicious. They're nice. What the fuck? Bleastdale!

How the mighty have fallen. Bleastdale, what the fuck has happened? You knew you were coming here tonight. You must have known this was an option. This was going to happen at some point. You chose Patron Peppers? Why don't you like them? Too slimy. How the fuck are you cooking them?

They shouldn't be slimy. They shouldn't be slimy, man. Maybe you've only had bad ones. Maybe you've only had bad Patron. Where have you had your paddy peps? Where have you been to get them? Amazingly, in Spain. In Spain?

Well, Bleastdale's a racist. Hates the local cuisine of wherever he goes on holiday. Absolutely can't believe this has happened. Bleastdale, this is ugly. It's turned ugly fast. I've got to think I

shouted your name upwards of a million times. No, I don't owe Bleastdale. I'm just yanking you. Yanking your chain. We're not doing Patron Peppers, though, surely? We can't do Patron Peppers. That's like any other suggestions.

Did someone just say chips? This lady's got a hand up, James. Yeah, yeah. Sultanas. Sultanas? In what context? All contexts. No, we can't. Wow, not quite popular.

Interesting. The thing is, I can imagine is he saying sultanas, can't you? Yeah, also it's what we've got to bear in mind here is that we really want you to get your money's worth tonight. Starter. Just a bowl of sultanas. Everyone home. See you later.

She did it. OK, so sultanas is in the mix anyway. Yeah, yeah, anyone from over here? Celery. I think we might have had celery. Celery. I hope we haven't had celery. I love it. Huh? Capers? Right, you and Bleesdale.

I love capers. Yeah, some capers fans on the front. Go for it. This is like a terrible council meeting. Made such a mistake. Made such a mistake. Open the floor to stuff people. Yeah?

Huh? Tinfruits. Tinfruits from the most Scottish man I've ever encountered. Yeah. Tinfruits quite good, actually. I was there, like, what's tanned fruit? What the fuck is that? Tinfruits.

I think tanned fruit's quite a good idea, actually. I think tanned fruit, yeah. I'm happy to go with tanned fruit. What's your name? Gary. Oh, no, Bleesdale. Gary is tanned fruit. Poor Bleesdale. I might ear fall in bad luck, mate.

Can't remember your name, actually. We asked you for a secret ingredient, and you said all foreign food. Do you remember that one? Yeah. Bleesdale, what you're choosing? Foreign muck. What the fuck? What the fuck? Slimy, slimy Spanish people.

That's what you said. I like the horrible food. I hate it so slimy. But we're going to go with tanned fruit. Is there a specific fruit that you're thinking of? Any particular fruit you're thinking of? Yeah, the white, yellow and red shades like a glass of your cherry knocking around in the...

Oh, like mixed fruit? Well, you don't even get the cherry in it, but it's just the white and the orange ones. So, if Izzy says she wants tanned fruit, but she would like it with the glass of your cherry in, are we keeping her in the restaurant? She's getting out for that as well.

She's still gone, right. So, just any tanned fruit, she's out. What if she says tanned peches? Is she out then? That's okay. Only the one that's like the mixed fruit cocktail kind of rubbish, yeah. Right.

Now, it's time for the off-menu menu of The 13! CHEERING Right. Yes. Now, we can't get into it straight away because, obviously,

I mean, if I have to explain to the genie, you shouldn't be here. Yeah. Right, I hope people know that. James, you have to go off the stage and make your genie entrance. CHEERING But exciting stuff.

I just heard someone go, I don't know what you're expecting, but severely lower your expectations. That is James' lamp from home. So, everyone, Izzy, are you ready for the genie to appear? I'm so excited.

Everyone, look at the lamp and rub it with your eyes in an imaginary way. Really? Something's happening. I mean, it's taking a long time, so you're not rubbing it with your eyes hard enough in an imaginary way. Oh!

Oh! Genie! CHEERING Welcome, Izzy, everybody give us some time! APPLAUSE I'm out into the wall. You're out into the wall?

I'm out into the wall hard with my hand. In that moment, I saw your future in Panto and I loved it. Woo! Hello, Izzy. Hello, mate. How are you? Very well. Thank you for coming on the podcast.

I'm so excited to have you here. Did you enjoy James' entrance? Yes. Very much so. Thank you. Did you rehearse it? Yeah, rehearsed it. And in the rehearsal,

I just, like, came out in the bit where I had the best visibility. And just at the split second there, I thought, well, it's obviously better if I emerge from the thick bit of the smoke. So I went for the densest bit. I couldn't see and smashed my hand. Yeah.

You went for the densest bit being a solid wall. Yes. Yes. A wall that I could see seconds before and if I'd memorised that. But I couldn't because I was thinking, I really hope this looks like I'm coming out of the lamp. Did a lot of girls come out of the lamp? Yes.

Thank you, Izzy. Izzy, are you a foodie? Izzy, are you a foodie? Yeah. Izzy's got to get off in about 10 minutes, so we're going to... We're going to rattle through this acroid style. Now, I consider foodie

to be someone who loves food. But I know people who describe themselves as foodies who, like, love making food as well. Right. And I don't really like that. Now, do you... You cook a bit, right? But you don't enjoy it. I'm not very confident at it,

especially cooking meat. I always think it's going to be raw. I hear it says, like, stick something in it till the juices run clear. Yes. I don't really understand what that means. It sounds like proper like, like, something you're doing in a battle.

You know? Yes. It does. Stick something in you until the juices run clear. Hang on. I don't know what's happening here now. Because... Because James said that. That sounds like something you do in a battle. And, obviously, my first thought was,

what the fuck are you talking about? And then you immediately backed him up on it, Izzy. Well, I did, but actually, I'm thinking about it. If you, in a battle, if you stuck something in someone until the juices run clear, what would be coming out that was clear? All the bloods come out. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's just the water. Yeah. Well, I don't want to get too heavy too soon. Isn't there something in the Bible about when Jesus was crucified? They stabbed him under his ribs like that, and it came out... It came out clear. Did it? Any criss-o's in?

Yeah. Get out, you criss-o's. Right, yeah. You know, you using that word has completely fucked any interaction I have with anyone who's Christian, because I only use criss-o's now. And I use it in a serious context. So I'm like, oh, you're a criss-o.

You're a criss-o, are you? Sorry. Sorry. So, what, they stabbed Jesus, and there's this clear water came out. Right? Yeah, they stabbed him, and then the water comes out, and that's how they know he's dead. The water comes out, and that's how they know he's dead

or cooked. Yeah, it looks safe. Carve him up. He's ready. So that's what you do at home. Yeah. Yeah. I got given by a foodie,

my brother-in-law, who's been on MasterChef. Thank you. Uncle Imran. I don't call him that. Oh. What a relationship you have with this man. There's some reason it would be really weird if I called my brother-in-law Uncle Imran.

But Imran is his name. It'd be even weirder if it wasn't. But he's a real foodie. You can't get on MasterChef without being a foodie. Yeah. And he gave me one of those prongs that you stick in to see if the juices are running clear. And I washed it,

and then left it on the draining board, and it got covered in soapy water. And now it doesn't work anymore. So, I feel like I need to learn to use my common sense. But I'm really like, also our oven's broken, the dial,

the things are rubbed off, so you just have to guess. And that's really bad for someone who's a bit paranoid about when things are cooked. Why all the things rubbed off? What are you doing with that oven? Not a rhetorical question. I don't know what you and Uncle Imran

are getting up to in the kitchen. The kids have rubbed them off, I think. And it was an old oven anyway. Kids rub them off? Noi. Kids come in, they got nothing to gain from that. They aren't using the oven. They're just rubbing the numbers off.

That's sadistic. It's magnetic, and they put magnets all over it, and I think it's scraped off the already fading numbers. I love the idea of you just being like, alright kids, mummy needs a bit of quiet time, go and play with the oven. Don't get in it, that's the main rule.

But rub that bit off as much as you want. I know that 200 is, you know, at six o'clock. So I do everything from that. My mum was a taxi driver for a short time, and she only knew the way to anywhere from Golders Green,

because that was where she lived. This was a very long time ago before sat-navs. No matter where anyone was coming from or going to, she used to have to take them via Golders Green. And they'd be like, where the fuck are we going?

And I'm the same about knowing that 200 is six o'clock. I sort of go there first. Then if it's supposed to be 170, I ease it back. Straight to 200 every time. Absolutely. And you broke the pronger

because you got soapy water on it. Ellis, my partner, said it was broken and I believed him, so it's in the draw. But I'm going to look tonight. It might actually not be. It might be being gas-lighted. Is it a gas oven? It is a gas oven.

There we go. He's gas-lighting straight to 200. Imagine that's what anyone who gas-lights people did before they do some gas-lighting. You just hear a murmur, set to 200. You must have imagined that. You never did anything. I'm on fire tonight.

At the beginning of lockdown, he said he'd do all the childcare and the early mornings in exchange for me doing all the cooking and the cleaning. And I agreed to that. Because... Someone absolutely livid there, by the way. One person. The fuck!

And actually, it wasn't all the childcare. It was just the early mornings with the baby who was waking up at four. And I hate mornings. He was like, I'll get up at four if you do all the cooking and the cleaning. So I was like, okay. So I started to try and be more adventurous with what I cooked because he was having to get up at four.

I tried to match the effort that he was putting in. And I did cook different stuff and I did gain confidence. Okay. Any successes? Any headliners? I poached. So this is from the Sainsbury's magazine. This is a very big step for me. Because previously, all I cooked

was either Izzy salmon or... Hang on. Let's rewind it. Izzy salmon. Okay. So Izzy salmon. Easter salmon. Or Izzy salmon. Izzy salmon. But Easter salmon's better.

Which I presume... Easter salmon, I thought we're back on Jesus again. Fair enough. But Izzy salmon. Named after yourself? Named after myself. Previously, Clair Ward salmon. So you've nicked it off Clair Ward? Yeah. Yeah.

Who's Clair Ward? She is an actress and stand-up. She told me the recipe for Clair Ward salmon about 15 years ago. And I have changed it enough to be able to now call it Izzy salmon. So, Sooty salmon is a way better name for it.

Sooty salmon. Yeah. It's got to be Sooty salmon. It's got to be Sooty salmon. Yeah. Although that sounds awful, actually. Well, like it's been marinated in soot. Covered in soot. Yeah. It's probably a thing. I mean, you can have a charcoal. Can't you in stuff? Bet people would cover, like, put salmon

in a pit and cover it with soot. Then not like the fire and then dig it up and it's exactly the same again. Yeah. Probably. What I loved about that story was the gathering of all the animals above it who sensed there was something.

I loved that. It's like pet cemetery. Yeah. That is exactly the kind of thing. That thing that Joe Thomas did with the lamb is exactly the kind of thing that I would do. And while I was listening to it, I remembered that when I was about eight, me and Helena Coates

made Helena Coates sausages. Which... What world is this? Basically, we wanted to make a fire and she had a big house, a big garden. We gathered all the toilet rolls in the house. She had, like, four toilets.

So there was, like, 50 toilet rolls. And we put them all in a pile in the middle of the lawn and set them alight. And then we just put sausages on top of the toilet rolls. Because in our heads, we were like, fire cooks meat. Yeah.

That was going to argue with you there. Did they taste nice? They didn't cook. They went black, like burn, and then they were raw on the other side. Of course, yeah. We also didn't know how to turn them over because we'd thrown them

onto the pile of toilet rolls. And her mum was Italian and she'd already got annoyed with us that week because we'd convinced ourselves that Helena's sister was a ghost. And we'd made a mixture of, like, bleach, shampoo,

everything we could find in the bathroom and poured it onto Debbie's bed because that was the thing he had to do to get rid of the ghost. And Tamara was already really annoyed about that. And then, I don't know why everything took place in the toilet, but anyway, we got all the toilet rolls and burnt them so she went absolutely ballistic. So is that, like, your top recipe?

Or... Yeah. I think you probably could, if you unrolled the roll a bit and then set fire to it and put the sausages on, you could sort of, if you unrolled it more and teased it over, you could probably roll the sausages over. It's probably worth a go.

Like a conveyor belt. Yeah. Like a little sausage-toilet roll conveyor belt. But if the toilet... that toilet roll wouldn't be able to be a light, would it? It would just have to be hot. Yeah. How do you make a toilet roll hot without setting it a light?

Hmm. So have the majority of the toilet rolls burning and then have some sort of grill on top of them? Yeah. Hmm. I think we're just arriving at the idea for a barbecue, aren't we? Yeah. It's my idea for it.

You get all the toilet rolls. I noticed you glazed over what I mean as you were talking there. I know you're so well now, I can see when James has just gone into his own head and he's just listening to the music in his own head, going... Yes? Yeah. Get all the toilet rolls

and don't, like, unfold them and have it all as they are. And then you put the sausages in the cardboard tube. Yes. And then you set fire to the toilet roll itself and then it would take longer to get to the sausage and in the meantime, it would cook it.

I think that would work. Yes. Good. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. James A. Castles sausages. What was 30 salmon, though? We need to know what was 30 salmon. Previously known as Izzy salmon,

so you make a mixture of soy sauce and, like, chilli, garlic, spring onions. I love the fact that this is funny. It's because I'm saying it as if it's really gourmet, isn't it?

I used to have to wait. Five spring onions. So then you marinate the salmon in there and it kind of soaks up all the juices. And then you bake it in the oven and you get...

So with Clare Ward salmon, you chopped up loads of veg and made a stir-fry and with noodles. But with Izzy salmon, you buy a prepacked stir-fry from Sainsbury's.

And it's a taste the difference one and it's got... And people can taste the difference between that and Clare Ward salmon. So it's fucking shit. Izzy salmon, or sooty salmon, is soy sauce marinated salmon with stir-fried vegetables. I feel like the continent of Asia

might want to have a word with you in terms of... But the other difference is that I don't marinate the salmon. Plain salmon. I just do the stir-fry from Sainsbury's, sling on some soy sauce, bake the salmon in the oven with nothing on it, and then just put it all on a plate. Perfect.

Perfect. Fans of that. People love it. I've always said the best way to really pimp up a dish is to remove seasonings. That's the best way of doing it. It's the least important element of cooking. It is, yeah, the taste. I hate it.

Have you ever burnt anything on a barbecue that isn't food? I have. That is the most... That's the most obvious way I've ever seen a comedian ask a question and then go into their own anecdote. Normally, it's slightly more subtle than that.

Normally, they ask and then they sit there and you can see them going, when's my turn? But that's brilliant just to go, have you ever done this? I have. It's like the worst thing to do on a date, isn't it? What did you burn? So, when I split up with my ex, I had a box of stuff from our relationship

and you know, it's really hard. And your ex was Claire Ward, right? That's been clear. He's not Claire Ward. Burn everything apart from the cookbook she gave you? No. It was a man who's, you know,

very nice, it didn't work out and he'd given me... Because he didn't work out, you broke up with him. Yeah. Everybody's shaming of you. It didn't work out. It was very nice. But I did build a bonfire and put all of his belongings on it.

It was a very... It was a mutual breakup and I wish him well. So, A, it wasn't a bonfire, it was a pre-existing expensive barbecue and B, it wasn't immediate. So, we'd split up for like eight or nine months.

I'd said it's too painful to... Healthier if it was immediate, I think. Healthier if it was just a split... Oh, I fucking hate you. But eight or nine months of stewing and then like, I'm gonna put it on a barbecue. Sorry though, carry on.

So, the reason it was eight or nine months later was because when we first split up it was too painful to burn everything on the barbecue. It was too... It was painful to get rid of everything and I didn't want to look at it but I didn't want to throw it away because I was like, I need to wait

till I've properly got over this. So, my friend said, put it in a shoebox in the top of the wardrobe, right? So, I did that. And then about eight or nine months later she was like, I think you're ready to let go of this relationship but you need to get rid of the stuff

and I was like, it feels too weird to give it away because it holds so much, you know, emotion. Burn it in the bin, it's mad. But insane to just put it in the wheelie bin. You don't want to be one of those crazy bin ladies. Exactly. So, yeah, we... She just said, burn it on the barbecue

and it'll be like symbolic as well because it'll be like you're letting go. So, I lived at that point in Camberwell in a flat chair and my housemate had a really nice expensive barbecue on the balcony and we laid all the stuff in a big pile on top of the barbecue

and it was like a teddy bear. Um... It's too weird to give this stuff away. Like a fluid all over a tip. Eight or nine months later. Is the teddy bear going on first to sort of kindling or...? So, the teddy bear went on first

that was like a piece of paper that we'd played a game of hangman on at the airport that I'd kept. Right. Weirder that you kept that than you burnt it, I'd say. Poor guy.

Frashed him. Keep that, always remember. Handed him his own asset, hangman. Oh, look at that. That man doesn't look like he's doing okay, does it? I guess someone doesn't know the word on a matter of pay. Uh...

What do you... Keep this in my pocket until we break up and then I'm going to burn it. The reason I had that was because we decided to go to the airport on New Year's Eve and say destination anywhere and see what happened.

But we went to Gatwick at like 7pm on New Year's Eve and there was only one flight and it was to Cameroon. And... They said it's quite a long flight. You'll be in the air at midnight and have you had your jabs.

And we said no. And then they said, well, there's no more flights. So we went to the pub in Gatwick airport. And we played hangman and we also chatted to pilots, children who were waiting for their parents to finish work so they could celebrate New Year's Eve.

They were the only people in the whole airport. And one of them gave you a teddy bear? No, that would have been brilliant. The teddy bear was just like a joke present. I think it had any relationship with teddy bears given, isn't it? No. It's nice thinking about doing a life

and we don't have to answer all the questions like that for putting that situation. I'm thinking, how do I break this to Izzy then? That's not... No. Whoever said it, no regard for your feelings. No. Fuck. A teddy bear? You burnt it all?

Teddy bear, hangman. Some clothes. Some pieces of paper that were meaningful, like letters and stuff. Someone knows what it was in there about. He's here tonight. My fucking phylofacts as well. I've got a hard out tonight.

Because we haven't even started the menu yet. Yeah. Technically, we've got 40 minutes left. This is like the reverse of Ackroyd. I'm throwing those in every time for the hardcore as I don't care. I'll do it. I'll keep doing it. Good luck with your project. Thank you.

Thank you for wishing us luck with our projects. Anything else go on the barbecue? Two books. Catch 22 and a Snoopy book. A lot of this is stuff you could have donated to a local children's hospital. Well, I know, but they had dedications

in them and stuff. He really says a lot about this guy. He really paints a vivid picture of him. Catch 22 and Snoopy. What a range. Yeah, it's the whole gambit. So we put them all on there. A guy who was just living there temporarily

and poured salt and wine on it and said a kind of prayer. What the fuck was the prayer? What was the prayer? It was like, gods receive these gifts.

Grant is the emotional freedom to move on stuff like that. And then stab the teddy in the side and the juices ran clear. I love gods receive these gifts. I've got you a present. Oh, thank you. Well, I'm a god.

So this is going to be pretty impressive. What do you got me? It's a finished game of Hangman that I did in an airport. Merry Christmas, God. Are you a Snoopy fan? He said the prayer. God's receive these gifts.

It's a light. Must have poured light or fluid on it or something as well. Set it a light and it burned really majestically for a little while and then quite quickly it stopped burning like everything

would burn really quickly and we were like cheering and stuff. The guy who said the prayer was like absolutely loving burning someone else's stuff. And this guy was I want to talk a little bit more about this guy

because he was only living there temporarily. So you didn't really know him. How quickly was he convinced into this and how quickly did he suggest pouring salt and wine onto it? He was really into it. So I knew him from college but

he was only living there temporarily and I feel like he shouldn't have had as much of a stake in it as he did. I should mention the guy who owned the barbecue on the flat was out. Of course. And the guys at the prayer

is he just someone who was always you know, people know if you need that kind of service you can call and it would be like... He's just a very spiritual person. It dies down really quick. It dies down really quickly and then I realise that something's wrong.

It's only at this point you realise there was something wrong. Hold on guys. There's not a rage in fire anymore and suddenly so bad I haven't seen what we've become. So I get towards the barbecue and everything's gone

but the teddy bear is like crucified in the position of Jesus and like melted onto the grill of the barbecue and like dripping down into the barbecue. It was so...

It was like, I don't know an image of Christ. It was... So the bottom line is I had to buy Stephenie a barbecue and it was £70. Yeah.

I've got images of like you guys around the barbecue and it's all charred and the bear is just melting through it and that somewhere your ex-boyfriend was just walking around just going... I hope he's doing good actually.

I feel like I'm in a good place right now and I think the breakup was for the best and like I think this space has really done us good so like... I'm sure she's in a good place right now. I had to buy a new barbecue because the bear

was dripping through the slots. Still a sparkling water. This is the maddest thing about this podcast is like just talking about what foods you like now people come up to me and go we do our off menu menus all the time you're like, no you don't, you have a normal conversation.

And then still a sparkling water I was in a restaurant the other day and the waitress came over and went still a sparkling water but no you've been saying that for way longer than I have. I wonder if you'll ever get tired of it like when you were 80.

Yeah, no I'm tired of it now. Nah, of course not. When Chris Tarran ordered a drink from me when I worked behind the bar at the Cambridge Theatre I said, is that your final answer? And very kindly he acted as if I was the first person he ever said it.

Sparkling. That's what I like. Split the room. Now I'm going to ask something. Can you add a quarter of an inch of blackcurrant? This is what we're here for.

This is it. What have we wanted? Lock the doors. It's going to be a long one. You want some blackcurrant cordial in there. How strong is this cordial? Because there's different strengths

you can have it and sometimes there's cordial that, you know you add it and it might as well be water. There's just a bit of a suggestion of blackcurrant but if you're going full on in there and it's pretty strong I'd say you've made it a different drink

so it depends what. I say that as someone who chose Causton Press as water course. I'm going to... And the way the order in which you told us about that I imagined you've got a glass of sparkling water and you've tipped it in after it's like a little float on top of the sparkling water.

Yeah, like a lager top. I tell you what you could do. Could you bring a little jug of cordial with it? Yeah. I'm going full on. Interesting. Is that because you don't trust us to get the measures right that you like?

Well I actually think that, because yesterday I went to a pub and had a pint of sparkling water with cordial and it was just the suggestion of why. The same person who kicked off earlier about your belongings is now asking you why. We can never go out with each other.

And it was definitely the suggestion. Yeah. It was very light purple. It was fine. But I think I'd prefer it strong. And are you going cordial first then water or water first then cordial like Ed said?

I think cordial first if I was making it. If you're making it you're going cordial first because you want to see how much cordial there is. So then we'll need to bring a jug of water, a jug of cordial and an empty glass for you. Yes.

I think that's fine. I think we've let people get away with much worse. What's your cordial brand? What kind of cordial do you normally get? Do you get Sainsbury's Own? Do you get Robinsons? We get Robinsons.

Woo! Fancy pants! Someone's going to Wimbledon. Woo! No. Not right. Ribena's not even been mentioned yet. What's happened to Ribena?

Shout out. I'm going to talk about Black Covent. What's your game? Well, so we don't have Ribena in the house. We just have it as a treat when we're out. What? You just have squash as a treat when you're out. We have Robinsons orange squash in the house.

Ellis, my partner, drinks I'd say two bottles a week of orange squash. Genuinely. Man. We're on a text group with Ellis and cannot wait to destroy him for that afterwards. Is it like

full wax sugar stuff or is it no added sugar on your squash? I think it's no added sugar. You couldn't do two bottles a week of full strength stuff, could you? But he has it quite weak. Of course. He's a weak man. Yeah.

I love that. So Black Covent is just a treat when you're out. Orange squash in the house. And as a treat when you go out, you have Black Covent squash. Ribena is a treat when you go out. Well, I don't really mind the brand, actually. Can I be able to tell the difference between

different types of Black Covent cordial to you? I think... Sorry. Should have warned you about them. They have strong opinions. I think you can tell the difference between OG Ribena and Robinsons Black Covent squash because Robinsons Black Covent squash is maybe

I'd say it's thinner, it's more watery. Ribena is like fresh blood. Yeah. That is... I don't think you can describe it better. You could upend a bottle of Ribena and count three seconds before any comes

out of the bottle. It's terrifying stuff. It's a matter of ketchup. So I definitely think you could tell the difference. I think in pubs they have... I don't think they have Ribena do they? I think they have the watery kind. So you want

jug of water, a jug of Robinsons Black Covent and an empty glass. Yeah. Spark them water. Yeah, fair enough. Locked in.

Pop it up as well, Brett! Pop it up as well, Brett, as you say. Pop it up as well, Brett. Pop it up a what? What's a pop it up? All of them looking at Ed. What's he saying? Every single...

You're the reasonable one. Looking at me as if I was a translator for James. I understand you. You look like someone from a Richard Curtis film, but this guy's a fucking alien. Pop it up a what? Pop it up a what the fuck? Who is this guy?

The Jack McBrayer episode. He said, did he say he was going to call the cops? Yeah. I thought I was going to call the cops. I thought I was going to call the cops. I asked because I said, call on the cop, I think. Oh, yeah.

When I said call on the cop, I was saying call the cops. And when I said pop it ons or bread, I was saying pop us off the bread. Pop us off the bread. Same question to you, Izzy. Pop us off the bread, please. Bread.

Bread. Big moment for us all. Give me a cheer for bread. But these guys, yes. It's the man falling to his death. Yeah. Bread. Everyone just carrying on as normal.

Pretty cool. Bleed it out. I've been over here. That man's dead. Pop-a-doms. Oh, I like it. I like this. Less of them, but I'd say more enthusiastic.

I like it. The pop-a-dom cheer sounded more pure. You know, it sounded like it was just pure hearted people. The bread one was like an aggressive Brexit each year. You don't mind me saying this. I'm just saying how it sounded from the stage.

Izzy, your bread. Bread all the way. Bread with butter. I'd love a like a little stamp of the restaurant in the butter. Oh, yeah. That's good.

What would the butter stamp of the dream restaurant be, then? A little lamp. A little lamp, maybe. Well, that would represent me. And then through the lamp would have like a needle. It's my brand. Huh?

I fell in the Thames, yes. A map of the Thames. That's a complicated stamp. Yeah, that's really, I mean, that really follows me around everywhere. I'd say even when I have to maybe make a post on Instagram about, you know, I've been asked by a charity to promote

Diabetes Day and I have to do quite sort of like an open and honest post about how sometimes having a chronic condition can be a struggle mentally and I go, oh, it's getting some comments already and they are all You fell in the Thames, you idiot! Good on you all.

Maybe you wouldn't be so sad if you hadn't fallen in the Thames. Good on everyone who posted that. Well done. Just raising awareness. You're doing your part. Well Diabetes Day. So we've got the stamp in the butter. Is there a type of bread that you specifically

want? I'd say not soda bread. Because I like that toasted. Not sourdough because I like that toasted. But like a soft roll with a hard crust and a very cloudy inside

that's slightly stretchy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's ones that you like toasted. I mean we can bring you out toast if you prefer that to the bread you just said. There's already a lot of stuff on the table. Yeah. A lot of

jugs and stuff with various things in. You've already got a whole bunch of stuff. I used to go to this cafe in Clapham with my friend that had a toaster on every table and you could I think it was called toast. And you could choose bread and like spreads

and go and it was like 12 quid and you can have as much toast as you want and we were like this is amazing and then my other friend was like you know you could just do that at home. Well you can't all the numbers have rubbed off the wheel. Hopeless.

We went to the burnt toast cafe in Brickston Brickston burnt toast cafe and they do that they got the toasters on there and Nish was with us, Nish Kumar and the lady who owns that cafe moved to England and she learned English by watching Mock the Week.

So she knows any comic who's ever been on Mock the Week and is very excited and we turned up and she was like really like she went James and then Ed came around the corner and she went Ed and then Nish came around the corner and she went Nick. And every time she took our order

she would always go big Nick. I was like big Nick. That's when I think Nish invented his white persona, Nick Cooper, right? Yeah, Nick Cooper. So you don't want toast, you want the cloudy bread? I don't think I do want toast

because this isn't even the starter. No, it's not. 20 minutes left. So sorry Benito. No, toast feels much more like a meal a main meal than bread even though it must have

the same amount of calories. Don't you think? I'm not looking forward to your main course. I don't think it is like a main meal really. Would you have toast before a starter? No, that is a very good point.

Yeah, okay. Not at home, certainly. You wouldn't have some toast and then have dinner would you? I don't think so. Point taken. I think it's because it should be a very casual I'll have a bit of bread where somehow the act of toasting

something, it's like it's making it special. It's cookie, yeah. Sorry, there's some very mature people here because you went, I'll have a bit of bread. I'll have a bit of bread. They're like... I'll have a bit of bread. You don't want to make the euphemism.

I'm going to uncle him to have a bit of bread. You know what I mean? I'll have a bit of bread. You don't want to make toast. Feels like a main. Feels too much like a main. Sorry, yeah. I believe you were... Bread, cloudy bread.

Stamp in the bottom. Let's move on to your starter. We've got to get on to this meal. It's a starter from a specific place or is it a general starter that you will have anywhere? Oh, it's something you can have anywhere. Okay. Now you're looking at me as if we're about to play

a game of hangman again and I've got to guess it. It's something you can have anywhere unless you own a clue. It feels like I want you to guess. It's got two main colours. It's got two colours. You said main colours, but is it just two colours? Two colours.

At all in the starter that you can have anywhere. That's it, two colours. Okay. It's got a thing that was once alive and... I don't know why I'm pretending I don't love this. I love this game.

Oh, no. Benito is backstage so angry. I'd say there's so many you haven't heard. James plays a guessing game every other podcast and they take about an hour and a half. So... A lot of them don't make the edit. But we really enjoy them.

Some of them... I don't know what has made the edit. I've only listened to three episodes. Something that once was alive. One of it was once alive. Something that was once alive. Which is a lovely way to describe meat, I'm assuming. Yeah.

It's a great name for a restaurant. A great name for a restaurant. Yes, something that was once alive. Yeah. Something that once had a soul. Something that once had a soul. And something that never did. Something that never did.

Two colours. If you've got any guesses here... Yes! What? Wrong cocktail. How the hell did you get that so quickly? Wow. Where's the two main colours coming from?

Pink and green, I guess. Is that what you were thinking? Pink and green. Pink and green, yeah. Something that was once alive. Okay, let's all keep an eye on her. Now, this prawn cocktail, is that like...

What is it you love so much about the PC? I just love the simplicity of the PC. Yeah. I love the fact that it doesn't try too hard. Yeah.

It's something very unpretentious about it. I went to South End recently and ordered a PC within like an hour of arriving. But it was a prawn and avocado salad. Oh, no. And I was like, no, guys. This is wrong.

I think I'd like it in a... like in a wine glass or, you know, I can... in a kind of little trifle bowl, like they used to have in the 70s. So you want quite traditional... You don't want PC gone mad or anything. You want the traditional...

Yeah, you're quite right, actually. I had, like, a deconstructed prawn cocktail recently. Did you? It was actually really good. It was... Now, bear with me, it was at a 90s themed restaurant called Only Fools and Courses. How have you not told me about this?

It's in... It's in Brixton. It's in Pop in Brixton. It's a tasting menu and the guy gives a talk beforehand about how it's all from his memories of growing up in the 80s and 90s. And it's like the really nice like roast lamb thing and the deconstructed prawn cocktail

and duck eclairs. Like peaking duck but in an eclaire. It's delicious. But I get the feeling that the deconstructed prawn cocktail is not what you want, like a straight up classic PC. Yeah, don't mess with it. Don't mess with the classic.

You having them on the rim of the glass, the prawns, hanging off the big mummers? Yes, hanging off. Like they're trying to escape. Yeah, yeah. Facetistic. Like a bear on a barbecue. Yes.

Trying to get out. I wasn't the one who wronged you, was he? We had some good time. We had some good time. No! Were you got Mary Rose sauce on there or what's the other one that's similar?

This is great having you here. Thousand Island. Mary Rose or Thousand Island sauce. People have different opinions on this. Izzy sauce. Izzy sauce. Yes. Soty sauce.

Oh, God. I don't know if you should have Soty sauce on it, Izzy. I think Mary Rose. Mary Rose. We say it differently, don't we? What do you say?

I say Mary Rose. That's probably wrong. I've always said Mary Rose. I say Marie Rose. So who's right in this situation? Mary Rose. Yeah.

Oh, no. Mary Rose, eh? I think the subtitle is trying to signal to us that we do have to finish in 13 minutes. Yeah, no, we're not. I think that's a really good classic starter. Classic.

So now I assume we're moving on to the main course of a slice of toast. Oh. Two slices of toast. The main course. Yeah. How many colours? Oh.

First, remember, how many colours? How many were alive and how many aren't? Yeah. How many were once alive, not are still alive? Yeah. Six colours. Oh, fucking hell. That per course.

One main colour. Yeah. Six colours in total. Yeah. Something that was once alive. Yeah. All the other things can be eaten by things that were once alive. Yeah.

Yeah, you're eating it, is he? I'm with you. Actually, all the other things in it could have been eaten by the thing in it that was once alive. Okay, that's great. I love this. Oh, lovely. It might have got a bit ill,

but it wouldn't have killed it. Okay. So it's really, you're really rubbing it in the thing that was once alive's face at this point. I'm going to kill you and put you in your natural habitat before I eat you. I mean, I guess we need to narrow it down to was it once alive on the land

or was it once alive in the sea? It was once alive on the land. It was once alive on the water. What the? What the? You ate a hovercraft? Yeah. Amazing stuff. And what can a hovercraft eat?

Petrol. So you're having hovercraft and petrol? Is it Tom Daly? Congratulations, Tom. He said victory. Surround you with things you would normally eat. Surround you with things you would normally eat. Surround you with things you would normally eat. And say a prayer.

And say a prayer. God's, please accept this gold medalist. God's, please accept this gold medalist. So... You got a guess, James? I am just getting a feeling that we've got a pig here. I think it's like... It must be a duck.

It's a duck, these people are saying. Of course it's a duck. James. I've forgotten. I threw the old clues that Izzy gave there. I forgot that bit. It was on land and has been on water. I was too busy congratulating myself on the Tom Daly rift to remember where we had come from

to get there in the first place. Yeah. It's a platypus. It's a platypus. It's a platypus or a duck? If it is duck, I'm excited because we haven't really had... Not many people choose duck. And I like duck.

So this is like... Before you guys, it is indeed duck. It's a duck. We've got a duck on the pot. Great. And how is this duck being prepared? L'orange. So it's with...

With five other colours. Oh yeah, we need five more colours. Is one of them l'orange? No. No l'orange in this. No l'orange. No green in it. No green in it.

Purple. You have it with something that can easily give you food poisoning. If you don't reheat it properly. Man. Why is it taking us this long to do a live episode? Great stuff.

You guys have proven to bonito right now that the guessing games are solid and should stay in every edit. It doesn't appreciate it. Always edits them out. Always edits them out because he can't guess them. He's a little sore loser. I don't like it. I can't guess that.

I'll take it out of the podcast. So duck and rice. So that's... We've got brown and white. Is it white rice? Yeah. Not brown and brown.

Then we've got five colours left to do. Red. Red. What? Don't set up a colour game. A bit of chilli in there. There was the colour red in there. If that was what you were asking.

Yes. What else do you think he could have been asking there? Red what? So angry as well. I'm not giving you that. What? There's yellow. There's green.

I said green. I was told to go fuck myself. Red, yellow, green. Peas. But a kind of peas. Munch two. No. Yes, can be.

Can be. I always knew we'd end up playing what kind of peas tonight. The word before peas is the surname of someone. From Game of Thrones. Snow peas. Yes. I'll tell you what. It's amazing. Snow peas are the people of live entertainment

for a year and a half. What a lap up. Snow peas. That's none of my life. I love life comedy. This is what we've been missing. This is what we've been missing. It's back. We're back.

Snow peas. Snow peas. The red is chilli. There's a big red element to it. Red pepper. Huh? Is it a Thai red curry? Yes.

You're feeling good. This is good group work. That's great. Thai red. Thai red duck curry. What? When I said the full sentence, some of you were like, actually. I don't know how I feel about that.

Turns out when you break something down into its constituent colours, it makes it less appetising. But now it's all come together. Yeah. That's great. What is it about the Thai red duck curry that you prefer over any of the Thai red curries? And also, what scenario do you imagine

the duck would be in where it gets to eat a chilli? You throw anything in that pond, they'll lap it. They're idiot stucks. Make sure you wash your wings after you've had that chilli. Just going down. Feed the ducks. Oh, that'll explain why you've got a bag of rice with you. Going ballistic.

Why the Thai red duck and not the Thai red chicken? There's something about the texture and taste of duck that just seems to go with the red. Better than the green. And...

I love Thai red curry. I like Thai green curry, but I love the taste of Thai red curry. And for me, if I have green, I'll go for chicken. I couldn't have green duck curry, but... Yeah. Let's do it quick. Give me a cheer if you're a Thai red curry person.

Strong. The Thai green curry crew. Oh, okay. I've told this story on the podcast many times and it only made the edit once, I think. Five minutes left. Yeah. I'll leave it.

Yeah. It'll be absolutely fuming. Thai red curry. I think this is the first time someone's chosen Thai red curry with a couple of Thai green curries on the pod. Okay. Rare appearance for the duck as well. So, in general, we do it a lot of people.

A lot of people here will feel seen because of this course. It's the place that does the best Thai red duck curry. I went to this Thai restaurant in Edinburgh once and I had red duck curry with the guy who

given me the stuff that I burnt on the barbecue, actually. And there was stuff in that Thai red curry that I would not have believed you could put in a curry. There were grapes. There were apples. Not whole apples.

Sounds like Scotland didn't add some tinned fruit. A bit like it, doesn't it? It's not called tinned fruit there, though. Is this the curry that you want? Do you want the curry with grapes and apples in it? Well, I wouldn't have thought

that would have worked. It was incredible. It really was. The grapes and the apples were in addition to the normal stuff that you get in Thai curry. Yeah. James isn't happy. No, I like...

Something we need to drill down into is the fruit. Would you say it was fresh? I'd say that the apples were definitely fresh. Definitely fresh. That was like slices of apple. And the grapes...

Don't tell me they were tanned. They weren't tanned. You can't... I don't think you can tan a grip. I mean, I don't know that they were quite small for grapes. They might have been... They were almost like they were sultanas.

But Bleastdale didn't say that. It is there. Bleastdale tried to pick the secret ingredient as Thai red curry because he went to Thailand. He had one and he said it tasted sneaky. He hated it. Bleastdale won't even go to Scotland, he thinks. So, you're saying there's a chance

these were tanned grapes. Yeah, there's no way of being sure because it was about 15 years ago. But I think there's a 50-50 chance. Right. Benito, could you Google whether you can tan a grip? Because we need to know...

But how is he going to get the message to us? Yeah, but how is he going to get it? Because he doesn't want to be seen, little Benito. So... No. He'll... Yeah. I mean,

this is the reason why. So, you're not going to coax about by going, whoa, yeah! And he'll go, oh, my fans are calling me and come out. That's what terrifies him. They're going to come out like that. I think it doesn't sound like

these are the kind of tanned fruits we were talking about earlier. I don't know if you can tinder grip, but I'm Googling it now, but initially, I wasn't thinking about it properly and I've Googled tanned grapes. Yeah. Well done.

I don't think it sounds like they would tend. Because also, they'd been cooked. So, they probably would have lost their skins in the cooking process. Okay, hang on.

There's going to have to be a discussion here. Oh, no. This is tense stuff and we're coming here at the time when we're supposed to be finishing. This is genuinely tense. We're going to start with tinned grapes. Yes. The first thing that's come up

is pickled young grapes. They're in a jar and every option here is specifically from Thailand. Please, there are walks out of the gig immediately. Thai pickled young grape. Thai pickled, well,

say Thai pickled young grapes, did you? That's you. Sorry, everyone's wearing masks. I can't tell who's who. You didn't say Thai, I mean, if you'd said at the start, yeah, Thai pickled young grapes, we would have had

a much longer conversation with you. I don't think it would even be on by now. I think this is the ruling. It's in a jar, right? So, it's not tanned fruit, because it's in a jar. It's different from tinned. Yeah, pickle's different from tinned.

Okay, yes. Well, you stay in. We'll move on to your side. I'm worried that we're going to... I mean, it would have been perfect to kick you out of the restaurant now, because it is the end of the show. That would have been quite useful.

Is the rice the side dish, or do you have another side dish? No, just the rice. Just the rice. That's helpful, actually. Right, good. Excellent. And do you think you could sort of pick the grapes out and have that for dessert? Pickled young grapes?

You're absolutely perv. That would sound pervy. Yes, I could pick the grapes out and have them for dessert. No, no, no. Let's get on to your dream drink. If the rice is your side, let's go on to your... Dream drink. Yeah.

Riesling. Yeah! Someone celebrating who... No offence, madam. If you had told me someone's just celebrated Riesling, I would have pictured you. LAUGHTER I hope you take that as a compliment,

as it's intended. Love of Riesling. Paired perfectly with the spicy Thai food as well. Well, Riesling goes really well with Thai. I used to work for Obbins and we did... I've got the equivalent of a GMVQ in wine tasting. Thank you, guys. And I've kind of forgotten everything now,

but I used to be able to identify most grapes without knowing what they were, and Riesling is the best pairing with Thai, and I always remember that. I mean, that's great. I think that's such a good choice. Can be a bit sweet sometimes, Riesling? It can be a bit sweet, but there's something about Thai that balances it out, Thai food.

It can be sweet though, on its own, definitely. When there's any discussion of actual food stuff, James completely zones out, and now he's got a can of Causton Press. It's the drink course. It's probably a good thing, because I was about to start talking about where Riesling has grown. It's the best Riesling from the Mosul in Germany on the steep hill,

and they get a lot of wind, and it's quite a hardy grape. But it's only when you're faced with a live audience of more than 2,000 people, you realise quite how fucking boring a lot of your chat is. One colour, and it lives forever. Riesling. Quite a sweet wine,

so almost when you go through to your... dessert, really, I guess, because... you've had quite a sweet wine. It might be nice to have something more savoury to take the edge off at the end of the meal. It'll be a lovely way to round it out. This is low. Yeah, fuck you guys!

How many colours do you want on your cheese board? Even... even for you, that was low-ed. One voice. Everyone else booed, and then what? Cheese board! What's your favourite type of Riesling? I just like all of them.

You like all of them? Mixed together. We could do that for you. Do you want us to get every Riesling in the world, and there's a little bit of each in a glass, and you can have ultimate Riesling? Yes, because you should... If you mix red and white wine, that doesn't make rosé.

But you could definitely mix. I reckon lots of different types of the same grape. No, they do. They're such a thing as blends. They do that. They taste like shit, but you can... No, I reckon you can... Why don't we give it a go?

Like, when you mix with all the bleach, with everything else, and pour it on the bed. You want to exercise the ghost? Yes. You want Riesling that can exercise a ghost? Yeah, I think that's a great choice. Do you want us to make the reasoning out of pickled young grapes?

We can do that. Stamp on them. No. We have to consider each one if we're going to respond to it, and that was... Inca here and most likely dog shit. We had to swerve that. When you did that there,

I imagined you being one of those guys that your job is to stamp the grapes. And I can't imagine you happy. Yeah. Just all day like, I'm a barefoot boy. Yeah. Scratch in between my toes. I'd love it. I would love to stamp on all the grapes.

There's something about doing it sitting down as well. Yeah. I'd get one of those office swivel chairs. And just be bombing it around the whole thing. Spraying off the wheels. Well, is that the reasoning that you'd like? Would you like the one crushed by James' feet

on an office swivel chair? Yes. Yes. Right, Bonito, make a note of everyone who just collapsed and issue of a strain in order. I'll make you the ultimate of this thing with my feet.

Amazing. Happy to do it. Yeah, that's what I said. Your dessert now. This is tense. Ed's already made it tense. It's not your fault. Ed's made it tense. He brought up a cheese board.

And I am pretty sure we're not going to go there. I know that you like sweet stuff. I've seen you eat a chocolate bar before. It's the only reason. But I've seen you eat a baby bell. So which way is this going to go?

You what? How many colours are in this dessert? And how much of it used to be alive? Two colours. Red and yellow. It's a baby bell. This could be cheese and biscuits. I'm going to throw this chair into the audience.

It's going to be a sad end to the pod. Two colours. None of it used to be alive. Did any of it come from something that was once living? Yes. Both of them came from something that was once living?

So one of it so one colour all of it came from something that used to be alive. Right. The other colour about a third of it came from something that used to be alive. So a lot of shouts for cheese cake.

Guys, it's not cheese cake. I'm very fussy about cheese cake. Not brownie and ice cream. Okay, another clue. Bacon and milk. Okay. The thing

which consisted of a third of something from something that once was alive. Yes. Imagine being an actual waiter and this was the order. Yeah. The menu's right there. No, no, no.

Listen. When it's made it's made for more than one person in the oven and it's in the shape of something you shouldn't look directly at. The sun? The sun. The naked child?

That's the kind of stuff that we get edited out and I apologise, Benita. You shouldn't, James, but... You do, don't you? That's a think of something. Sorry. That was edgier than we were all anticipating and I didn't...

I didn't mean for it to happen. I had to think of an alternative to the sun. So the sun? Is it the sun or is it? Okay, a few. Okay, good. So something is baked into the shape of the sun. Guys, I think we have to assume that if it's baked into the shape of the sun

it is specifically meant to be the sun. Because if Issy's way of describing something circular is just in the shape of the sun... James, James, James, I'm looking at Issy's face right now and I think that's exactly what you're looking at. Really? Is that what you said? Is that what you were doing? That's mad.

Is it cake? It's a cake. Yeah. But the sun is a circle. This has gone from a guessing game to like a riddle from... In the shape of the sun come with me, I have clues three.

Two colours am I? One third used to be alive. Imagine if someone, they were chatting with someone and they went, what's that food? It's in the shape of the sun. Shouldn't look directly at it. No, not that, Mark. That's disgusting.

Don't say that. It's way too edgy. A cake? So we've got a sponge cake here and somebody else is going on that. What's going on? It's got icing on it. OK. And it's got icing in the middle of it.

Chocolate cake? Yeah. It's a chocolate cake? Yeah. When did you get two colours from? No, no, no, because it's... No, so that's the brown... Oh, there's some ice cream on the side. We've got a scoop of vanilla ice cream. It's sitting in something

like the consistency of a puddle. It's maybe the sun, but the moon is below. Is it custard? It's cream. It's cream. Oh, here we go. Just when we thought the night was wrapping up, it's going to kick off again with a cream and custard brigade

attacking each other. No, there's no... I don't think there's any argument for custard with a chocolate cake. Chocolate cake? I'd rather have... It's pouring cream. So double cream, poured, but the chocolate cake must be warm.

Yes. You couldn't say you could have custard with that. I'll tell you what I've got in my mind, is it? And look, this is a recent thought topic for me. The Pizza Express hot chocolate fudge cake remains the absolute

OG. We ordered some the other night on Deliveroo. Just that, no pizzas. Mm-hmm. Two slices of the chocolate fudge cake. They fucking changed the recipe. It's not ganache anymore. It's like a glaze. It's bullshit.

God. Yeah. But that, the old-school one, hot with pouring cream, I'm so with you. It has to be the right... I think it really has to be the right consistency. There's a restaurant in Camwell called Caravaggio's

and that they haven't changed their recipe for years and years. And I went back there the other day and it was the same as before. And it was just like life before lockdown. It was brilliant. I'm going there. That sounds amazing. So this is Camwell.

So they recognised you as the lady with the fire on her roof. Yes. I would go. Oh, don't do this, James. What? It's going to be weird. It's just going to be weird. It's not weird.

You're going to be like frozen cake and hot custard. Is that not true? No, I would go. A scoop of vanilla ice cream top of the list. If it's a chocolate cake and it's warm, I'd put vanilla ice cream top of the list then custard before cream.

No. Custard has no place there. I'd go vanilla ice cream on top. That melts, I suppose, that forms sort of rivulets of custard, but to go straight to custard is madness. That is... I mean, custard can only go

with things like apple crumble. It can't. Chocolate and custard, it just doesn't work. You're missing out. Well, may I say to my right honourable friend that... You can't put custard.

I like it when the custard and the chocolate merge together, you get a bit of marbling of the chocolate on top of the custard. It was always going to happen. Better yet, get rid of the chocolate cake, replace it with a lovely wedge of stilton. Panto villain.

You're going pour and cream. Fair enough. Do you want the same jug of pour and cream? Do you want to use the same jug that we used for the cordial so you can still taste a bit of cordial in there? No. Fair enough.

On a visual order, back to you now and see how you feel about it. How are you going to do that? I haven't been writing it down. Obviously it's not going to come out and give it to me. So I'm just going to try and remember it and see if I can remember it. You would like

water. You would like sparkling water in a jug, empty glass and another little jug of cordial, black current cordial. Pop it on some bread. You chose the cloudy bread that tears apart with some butter with a stamp of the restaurant in it. You'll start it.

You would like a prawn cocktail. You don't mind where they get them from. It has to be two colors. Mary Rose Sauce. Your main, you would like red Thai curry duck with a side of rice to go with it. Your dream drink

was a Riesling and for dessert, you would like warm chocolate fudge cake with some pouring cream. Wow. Well done. Yes. I did it. You've never remembered it before. I hate waiters who try to do it by memory and you've actually done it.

Well done. You forgot that the pickled young grapes, you forgot about the pickled young grapes. Yeah, you were like pickled young grapes in everything I think, wasn't it? Something like that. I think that's a good meal. Yes, so do I.

We're now approaching the end and I don't know how we end it in a live environment because normally we'll just sort of shut our laptop lids. Thank you so much for being our guest, Izzy Surty, everyone. Thank you. And thank you

so much for coming to the first ever Off Menu Live. We've had an amazing time. You've been a great audience. Thank you very much and we'll see you soon. Well, there we are, James. That was the first ever live off menu. A delicious live meal.

Yes, it took us a while to get to the meal. We were slightly worried about the time because I mean, I'm glad it took us a while to get to the menu because we got that amazing story. You got to hear about a little teddy bear burning to death

on a barbecue and sometimes that gets in the way of a good meal. But I think, you know, the meal went down very well. I think the audience was happy with the choices. There's a picture of James doing an impression of the bear burning on a barbecue available on Instagram. I'll put that up

as this episode goes out. Yes, it's me doing the impression and Izzy and Ed are just having a conversation completely not regarded me whatsoever. So I wasn't aware at the time that no one was paying attention to me. Me and James work quite well as a team. You'll hear us references a few times.

Quite often, if James is doing something, I'm having a conversation with a guest and sometimes while I'm having a conversation with a guest, James will glaze over as well because he's thinking about the next thing he's going to say. We really bounce off each other well as a team. Yep, that's how all the good comedy duos

work. We know how to get it done. Two solo performers. It was a great episode. Thank you very much Izzy for coming on the show. We really appreciate it. Her book is called Jane is Trying. It is available now for purchase and her podcast is called

The Things We Do For Love. So go and seek out both of those things. She didn't say the secret ingredient, of course. She did not say Tan Frutt. Few. Tan Frutt lives to see another day. Yes, which is lucky because people really need their money's worth. We couldn't get her out for saying

if she had a starter of Tan Frutt it would have been very old. It would be quite funny. We should have made the rule that if she says Tan Frutt she gets kicked out of the Dream Restaurant and the man who suggested Tan Frutt has to replace the stage. Oh man, I would have loved that. Stick around, I'm sure

there will be another live little bonus treat coming soon. But for now thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant live. Keep chomping! No, it's me, Amy Glentill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where I spoke to my mum

and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case... Get him on James and Ed. But we're here sneaking into

your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North because, look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny.

Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glentill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah,

get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late!