Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 116: Bob Mortimer

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

We welcome comedy hero Bob Mortimer to the dream restaurant this week. Will a campachoochoo be on the menu?Bob Mortimer’s autobiography ‘And Away’ is released on 16 September. Buy it here.Follow Bob on Twitter and Instagram @realbobmortimerRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the bubbling cheese of chat and dipping in the chunky bread of humor and chewing it with our mouths, James. I thought you were going to pour the hot cheese of chat over the nachos of humor. Oh, that would be good. I mean, I'm always looking for ones to do. That would be the next one. Yes. Pouring the cheese of chat over the nachos of humor and sprinkling on the coriander

of conversation. And sharing it with all of our friends. Sharing it with all of our friends. Yes. Well, James, it's the Off Menu podcast. That's all we need to know, really, isn't it? Yes. We own a dream restaurant. Ed is the major D. I am a genie. Waiter. And we ask our guest their favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week's guest is... Bob Mortimer. Bob Mortimer. Of course, you know who Bob Mortimer is.

I do. You know, but the listen, I mean, we don't need to explain who Bob Mortimer is. Comedy legend. Comedy legend. Yes, yes, yes. Done so many great shows. A lot of great shows with Vic Reeves. Vic Reeves, yes. A lot of other amazing shows. Great fishing shows.

Great fishing shows with the White House, of course. Yes. And on that show, they say, and away. Yes, they do. And that is also the title of Bob's new book. Yes. Bob Mortimer's life story and autobiography. Finally, he's a national treasure. Everyone wants to know Bob's life story. And finally, you can sit down and read it in his brand new book. And hopefully, we'll get a little bit of bits of that life story in this episode of Off Menu, where we're going to be asking Bob his dream menu. I'm very excited to have him

on, James. Can't wait. He's spoken about food every now and again on the shows that he's been on. You know, people, I've really enjoyed hearing his personal life stories when he's on Would I Lie to You? So, like, I'm looking forward to hearing what he chooses. However, Ed, if he chooses the secret ingredient. I don't want to do the secret ingredient this week. I love Bob Mortimer. I don't want to kick him out. Come on, man. I know you don't want to, but I think we should do it.

Oh, man, all right. We've got to. Fair is fair. It would be so sad if we have to kick Bob Mortimer out. Yes. Yes. It would be a big shame, actually. All right. We'll do a secret ingredient. OK. And it is. Fisherman's Friends.

Fisherman's Friends. Imagine. Imagine if he gets caught out by that. Because he's a fisherman. Yes. Hey, fishes with his friend. Yeah. Just be clear. If he has Paul Whitehouse, like, you know, there, we're not going to kick him out. No, no, no.

It's not your friend who you fish with. No, exactly. But if he says he wants Paul Whitehouse as a menu item, then we might have to kick him out. If he's going to eat Paul Whitehouse, yes. Yeah, yeah. But we kick him out, but that's for other reasons. Maybe that's just across all the episodes. Yeah.

Cannibalism in general is we will kick you out. Specifically of Paul Whitehouse. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. I would say with anyone. OK. Sure. All right. You could be just with Paul Whitehouse. But that's, you know, I reckon there are people out there who might use the dream restaurant to say, I'd really like to know what human tastes like, because it's a safe environment. Do you think we'll have that one day?

Yeah, maybe. That's the sort of thing Richard Herring would have done. Yeah, actually, if he ever gets back on this, you'll want to eat your person, I imagine. Yeah. But we're saying Fisherman's Friend is in, like, the, like, the nuclear strong mints. Yes. That Fisherman... Is that what they are? Are they mints?

No, I thought they were, like, They're just disgusting. ...vitamin tablets. Yeah, that sounds about right. Yeah, they're horrible. We don't know what it is. Yeah, they do taste savoury, but they are horrible. Right. Oh, they are strong mints, all of us, and just James. Benito's just told us.

Okay, well, but then I think there's something in what you said as well. So maybe there's something out there that's like that. But either way, I don't like Fisherman's Friend. If he picks him, he's out. I've had him. If he does pick him, he's out. Right. Sorry, Bob. Well, let's crack on. Oh, I'm on tour, by the way, next year.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, a show's called Electric. Very excited about it. Ed Gamble.co.uk for tickets. I thought I'd get the plug-in in the intro this week. Yes. Because quite often, you put things in an outro of a podcast. People don't make it.

Sure. So I'm getting it in now. Understood. I think that was very wise of you, and I applaud it. Thank you very much. But let's crack on with the off-menu menu of Bob Mortimer. Bob Mortimer, welcome to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you for having me.

Get in. Welcome, Bob Mortimer, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. This genie. Yes. Do you pitch yourself as one of the topless ones? Yeah. Very well.

It's your Dream Restaurant, so it's up to you, really. Yeah, that's true. Do you want this, please? Yes, absolutely. May I have topless? Yeah. Football shorts and cowboy boots. Yes.

Yes, you may. What colour are the football shorts and the cowboy boots? The football shorts are red and the cowboy boots are blue. Yes, absolutely. You can have that. With white detailing. Yeah. And a good kick on the heel.

Red for Middlesbrough? Could be. I mean, it could be any of the red teams, but I can say... The Middlesbrough Football Club genie. Yes. Who can affect play once in a match. Oh, that's great. It's when you're choosing.

I guess... I guess once. Well, it depends how much he can affect play, because if you save it right to the end and then go, they score 50 goals, then that feels like... I think he can affect one passage of play. Right. Well, when you say affect play, like, how much do you mean? Because, like, is, like, you know, given the whole of the opposition,

like, explosive diarrhea affecting play? Yeah, that's good. Or is it more tactical stuff? I think that if he gave them all diarrhea, that would affect more than one play. Yes. So I'm thinking maybe, you know, at a penalty kick, he could collapse the keeper into just a pile of clothes. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. For example, I don't... It would be quite fun, the crowd singing, play the genie. Yeah. No, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Fuck's sake.

Get the genie. Why are they not playing the genie? What's the point of having a genie if they're not going to play? Are you imagining the genie sat on the sub-bench as well? He's kept him on the bench on the bench. He's... Everyone sees the genie warming up at the side. Like, are they going to play the genie?

Here we go. The other team absolutely terrified, wondering who's going to be collapsing into a pile of clothes this week. Got his top off. I think there are some rules that could be. Do you think instead of a yellow card, maybe, a player has to carry a garden spade for five minutes? Yeah.

Yeah. You'd think twice about valuing someone. You definitely would. Yeah, yeah. This would be awkward. Having to carry a spade around. Spade player. Everyone laughing at him.

Yeah. Sorry, that's football. There's a metal spade. Yeah, real traditional. Do you know what genie is? I'm going to say shovel. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what if they then foul again? If they foul twice, it's not just about to the spade, is it? What is there instead of a red card? Well, I've tempted to say two spades. Well, what if they foul again and they use the spade? You don't want to give them another spade. That's just... Asking for trouble, isn't it?

Asking for more trouble. And of course, then the FA is getting into trouble. Yeah. You would, James. We're introducing the run. I would, yeah, but not my fault. Yeah. The actual seed of this decapitation was James.

Yeah, they go back and go, you know, it's his fault. Bob, are you a foodie? I snack a lot. I eat a lot of food. But, you know, grazing all through the day. You know, Kit Kat, pack of crisps, sea brooks crisps. Do you like them? I've never had sea brooks crisps.

I'm aware of sea brooks crisps. Describe them? They're traditional crisps. You know, they're not like this kettle nonsense. Yes. They are proper, like, you know, juvenile crisps. Yeah. But they're very fatty and very salty.

Mm-hmm. They're very indulgent crisps, you know. Okay. Kind of like, you must get this a lot with the old fellas that come on. Kind of like crisps used to be. Tell what? We haven't got this a lot with the old fellas who have come on. They're the first person who said about how crisps used to be.

So you've noticed the changing of crisps over time and you've not necessarily loved it? Yeah, I think for very obvious reasons now, they shout about less fat and less salt and so on. Yeah. So you have a fond memory of when they were really very dirty. A very dirty thing. So that's what you like.

You like a dirty crisp. I like dirty crisps, yeah. And your dirty cheeses. Yeah. And your dirty sausages. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? The skinless.

Yeah. The skinless sausages. Do you know the ones that... Actually, I don't know what you mean. I don't know why I acted like that. That's a great start. I mean, yes, I did that, but you've got no idea. Skinless sausages.

I don't know what that is. It's the wall skinless. It's... Yeah. You know, it never bends. You know, it never disappoints. It's... So like, yeah, snack.

I don't go out at restaurants much. That's a real treat for me actually, like maybe two or three times a year. I go into town maybe twice a year and I have a meal with Matt Berry and Reese Shearsmith. Interesting. Lovely. Now, why is it that lineup every year?

Because we... It's under the name of being like a gossip club. And we gossip about all the other comedians. Yeah. Wow. How's Matt Berry bringing to the table there? I mean, like, Matt Berry, fair enough we all respect him, but I don't see him hanging out with a lot of comics

and getting the goss. No, but none of us are. None of us hang around the comics. But we're more like members of the public. Oh, so you're discussing gossip that everyone knows. Yeah. Yeah. What was he doing, you know, like lying on earth,

was that commissioned, you know? And so I enjoy that. Yeah. You know, a lot of other comedians are doing that sort of stuff on WhatsApp groups every day. Is that what they do? It's lovely that you guys save it up for once or twice a year at a restaurant.

Yeah. Imagine the three of you have some disdain for WhatsApp groups and the like. I've no disdain for social media, but I've penetrated Twitter, beginning to learn Instagram and... Yeah. WhatsApp group, that sounds quite technical.

Yeah. Is there a name for this club? No. The gossip boys? Well, we're always... The conclusion of every meeting is there's who is sitting at the top of the lucky table. That's different.

So we could call it the lucky table club. What does that mean? That's like the comic who's doing the well at the... Out of you three? The comic who's doing the best, but not on merit. Right. Okay.

Yeah. The lucky table. I get that. Yes. Okay. Yeah. So... It's just a bit of fun.

Who has it been in the past? I'm not saying. Yeah. You were saying you like to snack a lot and you like stuff that are a bit dirty. Yeah. We did notice when you arrived here, you bought a takeaway coffee with you.

I did. And you... There were a lot of sachets of sugar that you opened and put in the coffee I think I put six in that one. Yeah. But James, when I were young, I used to put in 16.

And I promise I did. And the only ever so slightly amusing thing about that story is that if I put 17 in and you can lose count, it was too sweet for me. No, absolutely true. I think it was because... You know, right in this book,

you start thinking of things. It's like my dad's died in a car crash when I was like seven, something. And I think I started taking all these sugars then so I was probably something of a... Because it's mood altering, isn't it? I think. Yeah, definitely, yeah.

So I think that's what... That started the sugars. I think I might have a link with it. And I'm down to six, five, you know, now. Was that gradual or was that... Very, very gradual. You'd get rid of 10 all at once. No, over these years, 40, 50 years or whatever.

Yeah, on my deathbed, maybe, they'll laugh at me. I'll say, no, sugar. I've got that. Also, I noticed your technique is you put a lot in at once. Yeah. I mean, it was a sustain. You were putting sugar after sugar

into the point that James... I saw James clock it and then about to say something. And I did... I mean, you would have noticed this, Bob. I did have to stop James asking you about the sugars because we were about to record this and I knew it would be a great chat.

And then, after that happened, there was a little pause and then another one went in. No, there was the stir. You stirred it for a while. That's a cappuccino, is that right? It's quite a frothy top. It's quite a frothy top. And what happens, it's quite exciting, really,

because if you know the foam on the top, you may have noticed because you saw it. About your first four stay on the top and then they suddenly break through and it's like a little sinkhole. Yeah, I did. It was exciting. It's quite exciting, isn't it?

So, yeah, sugar. But then you stirred it. Yeah. So, it went in like a sinkhole and I'd say this was probably at four or five. Then you stirred it for a while until it all stirred in completely and you had this like consistent froth

on the top, one colour froth. Yep. And then you put another in. Another sugar in. Yeah. Now, is that a regular cut? That you do it until the point, then you stir it and then the final one goes in.

Do you know I've never forensically examined it, but whatever you saw, because I wasn't thinking, is obviously what I tend to do. It's what you like. It's what I like. It's like you were keeping the coffee on its toes. Do you're letting the coffee know?

That's all the sugar. And it was like, it relaxed and you're like, no, there's one more. Surprise it. You mentioned your book. Bob Mortimer. And Away.

And Away, yeah. And Away. Is that how it's supposed to be pronounced? It is, because it's catchphrase from a fishing show that I do. Yes. Do either of you have catchphrases? Not yet.

Yes. Do you have a catchphrase? Yeah, Bob will be hearing it later. Oh yeah, I suppose. Within the podcast, I guess there are catchphrases. Yes, of course there are, aren't there? I do like food, is was your question. I'm not a foodie.

I have a great knowledge of food. But I'm very, very, very fond. It's like a life enhancing thing. You know the times when you suddenly think, oh, what? I need beans on toast desperately. And it's lovely to satisfy that need or liver. I really like lamb's liver.

So liver and potato or something. How often do you get the liver itch? I'd say the liver might be once every three months. But it's big. You know, it calls loud and sharp. Beans very often. Soft boiled eggs. You know those comforting things.

But it's nice that you can actually sate it by just going to a cupboard. Well, what do you do though? You talk about fishing. If you're out fishing, you suddenly get, oh, I want some beans. I want some liver. You're stuck by a river.

I didn't mean to rhyme that. But like, what do you do in that situation? Well, you know, what's that word that is very common now, like deferred gratification? So it just makes that liver sing even more when it lands on your plate. You can get it. You can get liver.

You can get liver. Not as easy as you could ox tongue. I used to cook ox tongues with my mom. Yeah. And, you know, whole tongue. It's very, very delicious thing. How big is it? About that big.

They are big. That's massive. I've got one in my freezer. Have you got one in the freezer? I've got a tongue in the freezer. Shall you cook it? Yeah. I'll just, you just want it to frozen.

I just like to know it's there. No, it's very reassuring in it if there's a burglar or something. Yeah. I could whip the tongue out. Must be quite tentative to like, just have it hanging out the freezer drawer so you open it like a mouth.

Yeah. It's that big. How should I cook it though? Because I was, I would be honest, Bob, I was sent it by a company because I said on the podcast, I've always wanted to have tongue and they sent me a tongue.

And now it's just in the freezer. Well, it's very delicious. You'd have to defrost, obviously. Yeah, yeah. And then just clean it a bit with some salt and water. Yeah. And then put it in a big pot,

big old pot and simmer it for, I mean, they do vary a bit. Yeah. Probably four hours is average. Right. Just with some carrots and onions. Yeah. And then when it comes out,

the skin of the tongue will have turned very white. Right. And it's very satisfying. That just really peels off very easily. And then you take the tongue, put it in a bowl that's only just big enough to hold it.

Yeah. Put a sauce on top of it and something heavy and then wait for it to, it'll like gelatine itself. You know, you don't have to do anything. Right. And then I'll have it hot.

It's very nice. It's very nice. Just hot. Are you sure it's nice? Because that sounded disgusting. What bit was disgusting? I think it was when the tongue turned really white. That was when I was like,

oh, this doesn't sound great. The sort of joy in your eyes as you were describing it. Maybe think maybe it is great. It is great. Peel off the white skin and then you cram it into a bowl and it gelatines itself. All of that sounded gross.

Yeah. Yeah. But if you fancy it up with some peas people like mayonnaise these days, don't they? These days. Yeah. It wasn't a thing when I was young. Was it not?

No, I'm old enough now. When you were young, was it salad cream? Salad cream you could have. I've seen it. When you get old, it's nice to look back and you can remember. I remember when yoghurt came in.

You saw that? I remember pretty yoghurt and things like that. Well, see, well, our ones are, you know, our generational talk a lot about remembering when salted caramel came in.

Yeah. Remembering when pulled pork came in. Yeah. All those ones, that was probably the first time in my life I remembered, oh, there's a new thing.

Trend of foods. Brioche. Brioche. Brioche. Brioche is a pre-yog. Yeah. Yes, a pre-yoghurt. I remember the first yoghurt that arrived on these shores

was the ski yoghurt. Yeah. That had an orange flavour, which was delicious and very rare to find an orange flavour. You know, given that the first ever, it's a shame it hasn't,

it's now ignored really. Yeah, it is. It's a shame there's no ski orange. Olive oil? When I was young, the only place you could get olive oil was the chemist. What? Yeah, because you use it,

you know, for the ears. Of the ears? Yeah, it was, you could only buy it in the chemist, so I'm pre-olive oil, pre-yoghurt. You're not, of course, not pre-banana,

we yet to have a pre-banana guest on. Yeah, we're waiting for that. Who do you think of all the celebs would be pre-banana? Well, the old stuff's closed.

Yeah. What celebrity would you not be surprised if they turned out to be pre-banana? Is William Hartnell still alive? He feels pretty old. He's pre-banana, isn't he?

Yeah, I reckon. Yeah. There might be a few pre-pineapples, maybe. Yeah, there's got to be some pre- There's got to be.

Parkinson? You think he's pre-pineapple? Is Parkinson pre-pineapple? He might be. I think he might be. I think he interviewed the first pineapple. Do you remember,

because the bananas came over what, Second World War, right? Yeah. I just think you remember an interview. I can't remember what it was on of someone saying they remember

bananas being brought to the UK and they were really excited and they were like, well, we had no idea what they were going to look like. We saw a box being opened, we thought they might be

five foot long. Just imagine kids crowding around the box, imagining a giant banana. But yeah, so food, the same as when I was a student, my favourite meal

without shadow, like, you know, like my desert island meal. Yeah. Would be, I don't know if you've ever had it, is bird's-eye boiling the bagged beef

with instant mashed potato and tin peas. I absolutely adore it. Is that going to be on your menu? No, that would be my desert, I'm going to treat myself today. Ah, okay, so this would be...

But if it was an everyday... But your desert island meal would be the most disgusting thing I've ever heard since you said the tongue thing. Boiling the bagged beef. Yeah.

Boiling the bagged bird's-eye beef. Yeah. All the bees. Yeah. Instant mash. Instant mash and tin peas. I'd like to know how this boiled in the bagged

bird's-eye beef tastes. Is it... What's so good about it? Is it very salty, I imagine? There'll be salt in there to get you going. It's just slices,

thin slices of topside. It's a perfect gravy. Oh. And you boil it in the bag. Actually, these days you can buy it in a tray

and put it on the plate and microwave it, but it doesn't taste as good. Not as good as boiling the bag. Boiling the bag's the perfect delivery method. How regularly do you have the boil in the bag?

I have it six times a year. I wish I had it more. Yeah. But you know, there's things that you love, but you kind of just forget to get them.

Mm-hmm. Well, so you don't want to overdo it because then you might ruin it for yourself. True, yeah. I cooked it for Paul in the latest series of Gone Fishing.

And he thought it was a revelation to him as well. Yes. But here's the thing I would like to introduce you to. Just remember, I made mashed potato

from potato crisps and it is really nice. Is it? Okay. It is really nice, yeah. Colour me and treat. How do you do it? Three packs of walkers,

plain, yeah. No, that's not your usual brand. Yeah, normally Seabrooks. Seabrooks. Seabrooks, that would just be too much. If you made mashed potato with Seabrooks,

honestly, you'd just be the king. Garments would be sown for you. Parades. So don't, and then, I don't know how much, you know, like,

I'm going to say a centimetre of water, hardly any water, centimetre of water, but let it all break down into, and you'll suddenly say, shit, there's mashed potato form in here. And then,

just because the colour's not great, it's a little bit yellowy, just put a little bit of cream in, stir that in. Delicious. And I kid you not, it really is nice. How close is it to actual mashed potato?

Could you give it to someone and say there's some mashed potato? Yeah, and they would not. They wouldn't know. They wouldn't notice the difference. They would think it's quirky mashed potato, but they'd certainly think it was potato based mush.

So there you go, that's like a tip, isn't it? That's a good tip. Yeah, that's a good tip. Make some, I mean, hopefully, some listeners will try that and can let us know

how it goes for them. It's really nice. And the other one is, do you like tips or no? Yes, I love tips. I love tips. Yeah, don't worry about it. The other one is,

last time he was a gone fishing, I did corn on the cob. Yeah. And then, you get a pack of watsits, crush it to a fine powder, and then roll the corn in the watsit dust.

I like this. No, this sounds nice. That sounds very nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would eat that. It does well. It's really nice. Have you ever tried watsit mash?

Mmm. With a few bits of corn niblets in it. Yeah. Yeah. And you could give that a name, couldn't you? Yeah, you could name that. You could name that,

couldn't you? I think you could come up with a name for it. Immediately, you could... Truncheon or something? Yeah. Yeah. Or just knock us up

some truncheon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know,

if you had an upset stomach, your mum would give you Andrew's liver salts, do you know those? I've heard of that. I've heard of Andrew's liver salts. Yeah. And I think they kind of

make water into sparkling water. Right. And I can still taste that Andrew's liver salt. There's a... There's a taste to sparkling water. It's not just water

plus bubbles. There's a taste, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. It kind of drives me mouth out a bit. Makes me teeth dry. Did you like Andrew's liver salts? I did like them

because they're fizzy and the children are very much drawn to anything fizzy, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You like liver,

Andrew likes salt. Yeah. So it must have been exciting. And this was the essence of those two experiences. Yeah. And if you also knew someone called Andrew

who you liked, did you know anyone called Andrew that you liked? Favorite Andrews? Andrew. I wish I knew an Andrew. I think I knew an Andrew gun. Yeah.

Yeah. But he was a gun. No. It didn't have much of an appetite. So you don't want Andrew's liver salts as your watercourse today? No, thank you.

That won't be your dream. I love still. Thank you. And the stillest of the bottle or the tap. I think I will indulge in the bottle on if that's okay. Yeah.

Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. Tap water can sometimes be a bit dreary, can't it? Yeah. Temperature-wise or taste-wise? How many sugars do you have in your watercourse?

Sprinkles of what's-it-dust on it. I'll have a trunche. A water bullet. So that would do me nicely. Thank you. But yeah, bottled water. Still water. Pop it up to your bread.

Pop it up to your bread. Pop it up to your bread. Pop it up to your bread. Pop it up to your bread. I would take bread, please. Yeah. And I can have any bread. Yeah.

Any bread. Any bread you want. Well, I'm just saying, I love for bread. Yeah, yes. White loaf, crusty loaf. I love that. Because I like the crust best.

When you're in a restaurant and they give you the bits, I eat the crust. Oh, do you? Aware of the fact that I don't want to ruin my appetite, I kind of work around the nut of the bread.

So do you leave the nut of the bread? Yeah, I leave the nut. Yeah. Or you can roll it into a fun little ball. Yeah. You know, balls are fun. Balls are fun.

Yeah, balls are fun. They throw it in a glass. Yeah. And I always enjoy that. It's probably the, maybe it gets you going. Yeah. Makes you think,

I'm glad I came out. Yeah. Gets a little bit of saliva going. Yeah. It's a bit special. Someone's brought me some bread. Yeah. It's funny about up north,

especially the northwest, a lot of people, I don't know whether they still do, always had a white slice with every meal. Are you aware of that? No, I'm not aware of that. Maybe it's a bit of a sandwich.

Whatever meal they had, slice of bread and margarine. Is that a mop as well? To use as a mop? Maybe that was it. Maybe that's where it comes from. But no, I'd enjoy those crusts. We can just get you,

we can just bring you crusts if you want. Of course. Yeah. You don't even need to pick around the nut. Lukewarm crusts. Yeah.

With olive oil. Yeah. And butter. Yeah. Butter. I guess you have some butter. Hey, hey, hey. Where's the book?

But that would be nice. And then with your water, that's nice. Yeah, exactly. I'm on my way. Thanks for having me. I was going to ask, because I thought it through,

is like, can I change my restaurant venue for each course? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a dream restaurant. Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

So whatever you want. Well, are we now? Well, is this a course? Could I change after bread? You can change after bread. Okay. Well, I'd just like to be in quite a formal restaurant,

maybe a 20 tables. Yeah. And it's all couples. And I'll take them in. And then on my next restaurant. Yeah. Yeah. The same 20 couples are there.

Just see how they're getting on, which ones have split up. Yeah. You know, and follow that story through. Do you know what I mean? So why are you changing restaurants each time?

Because it is the same couple. Sorry. I haven't been there. So my bread, I'd like to have in the 1960s. Right. Yeah. Okay.

So time traveling. Yeah. Yeah. That was a very big part of this you missed out on. Yeah. Apology. They are time traveling as well.

For your genie. Yeah. You know it. A topless genie. They're the strongest. Absolutely. They do this for you. So with the 1960s having the

bread course, Yes, thank you. having the lukewarm crusts. Yeah. In the 60s. And there's couples in the restaurant. All 20 couples.

20 couples. Yeah. So the idea then, jumping forward, how many years? I think we should go three years. Three years.

Three years. And it's the same couples, but you're seeing how they've got on in those three years. Yeah. Which ones are still together? Mm-hmm. Which ones have nearly stopped

talking? Yeah. If they have broken up. Yes. Because within the three years there's bound to 20 couples. Yeah. Statistically, there's definitely

one couple who've broken up, right, at least. Yeah. Are they still together at the restaurant, even though they've split up, or is one person there by themselves?

I haven't really thought it through. I'd like to still see them. So maybe any couple that split up become waiting staff. And I can still see them flitting about. Yeah.

Yeah. That's fair. So. And do they then have to serve the person they used to go out with? Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I don't know which one sits and which one works. Yeah. But you'll sort that out, Jamie. I'll sort that out. Yeah. I mean, you have turned it like,

I get why this would be nice and entertaining for you, but I think for those couples, it's become like a horror film. Yeah. Where like, if they don't make their relationship work,

they're doomed to just be waiting staff in the dream restaurant forever. Yeah. But like, I like that as a concept for a film. Yeah. I just like to,

I'd like to eat on my own, I think. Yeah. So it's a nice little story to watch for them. I've eaten my bread and I can pickle. I think they're going to make

it together. No chance. And then next restaurant, courtesy of the genie. Yeah. Oh, I was wrong. I was wrong. Yeah.

Is it, are you like putting a bet on or is it like a sort of like watching the horses? I'll phone up Paddy Power and ask if they'll give me on. Give me,

give me odds. And if, you know, those odds are good. Yeah. I like to bet on football and that's, that's not football.

That's not football. That's not football. Yeah. It's not quite football. I like better. Yeah. Also, you say you want this meal

on your own. Yeah. So you can watch all this and that's pretty much sounds like the kind of thing that the Lucky Table Club would enjoy. Yeah.

I don't, I can't see Matt Berry and Rich Yersmey if not enjoying this sort of thing with you. Like looking at other couples and being like, they're going to split up.

Oh, I don't like to look at them. Oh, there may be Matt could have a table over there, Resolver there. Yeah. Would you, we just be sort of nodding at each other because

because of course you're not on a WhatsApp group or anything. So you'd have to sort of gesture. I think when we finished, finished the bread, taking your hanky out of the chest. Yeah.

And say, I think they are and they're incompatible. Yeah. Yeah. This seems to be coming from before we started recording,

you were talking to Ed at length about how you love Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, of New York. Yeah. Of, what,

what, what series do you say? I'm on Potomac at the moment. You're on Potomac now. You're watching the Real Housewives of Potomac. Yes. Is this kind of

fascination with watching couples? Do you think it's come from that? I like trying to predict who's going to stay together and like that kind of voyeurism into like other people's lives. I think, yeah, I think so.

I think it's the stuff of life, you know, watching people. So, yeah. I was, I've always been, I was very quiet lad till I was about 30. Yeah.

Very quiet. So you do a lot of watching and you kind of, I think you get quite good at it as well. Yeah. I've always enjoyed it. If ever I'm, if I'm on holiday with Jim,

with Vic, if we're on holiday, he's, he's, he's so different. I don't know, you're in some town and I'm,

I like to kind of get a coffee, just sitting, people watch, but Jim takes it just as, he needs to have a coffee. Yeah. So he watches me drink it and he's,

can we go now? You've had your coffee and I didn't want a coffee really. I wanted to, you know, I do like watching people. So yeah, there's probably something in there.

That sounds like a bit of a tough holiday there. Well, when we, when we're touring, Jim's just one of those people. So like, if he, I'll be,

we'll be in the car and I'll see up ahead, there's one of those brown signs that says something like Rope Museum. Yeah. Oh, please don't see that, Jim. Please don't see that.

Rope and then he sees it. He, yeah, he's, you know, that type of, he's interested in stuff. Yeah. Yeah. He likes the brown signs

and you like to people watch. Yeah. And those two don't really go together very well. There's no people at the brown sign places. No, none, none,

none is worth watching. Well, I mean, at the Rope Museum in Dwight which we stopped at. Um, it,

it's more fascinated than you might think because one you get to make your own bit of rope. Wow, I didn't know that. It was pretty good. So you're interested.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, and of course, you have to buy it. And, uh, the bloke is very sort of welcome

to the Rope Museum. And you just, you're instantly the room not that much bigger than this. You go, oh, shit, why did I come here? But he's got you and there's just him. History of rope, great ropes. It does sound, it's now starting to sound

like a reasonable sketch. The man who runs the Rope Museum. Yeah, and he's exactly the man that would rather rope music, a lovely man, no disrespect. He's very passionate about his ropes. And opposite is one of those waterfalls, what you can walk behind. Really?

The funny thing is, it's quite a good combo of me and Jim. Because I've never made my own bit of rope or walked behind a waterfall. If it hadn't been for Jim's natural curiosity, the brown sign, rope museum, that way. It's mad that the waterfall that you can walk behind doesn't make the brown sign. Because I saw a brown sign saying waterfall

that you can walk behind, so I'd be straight off. But rope museum, I'm going nowhere nearer. No, thanks. Yeah, the two should get together, make your own rope from behind, a sheet of water. You know, and then there's cues all the way over tees. Yeah, yeah, there you go. That's not a brown sign, that's a neon sign for that.

And it wouldn't have to say anything, just yes, you're here. Your dream starter. With three years in the future. Three years in the future. New restaurant. Maybe a couple splurts. Yeah, oh, dear me. Look at that, I thought they had a good chance.

Yeah. But obviously there was, maybe they didn't get on with each other's parents. Yeah. Maybe it was a blind date. Yeah, originally. Originally, it just didn't happen. Maybe one of them was, I'm very fascinated.

Isn't everyone by fraudsters? Yes. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, absolutely. You're having a whiz in, right? I'm fascinated by fraudsters. Didn't think that was the next word. But yeah, absolutely.

So you think one of them was a fraudster? Yeah, you know, like trying to rinse someone first. Like, yeah, like a catfish or something. That sort of could be. And then I can think about that whilst I'm away in my starter. One of my favorite things to eat is an oldie in cinema, hot dog, really, really. Me and my son, we're obsessed with them.

And I think I could have that as my starter. Yeah, absolutely. Because I want to have one. I want to have a hot dog as your starter. I want to have one. It's not a main meal, is it? I don't think so. No, no, no, no.

Yeah, like if you go to the cinema and have a hot dog, which I'll rarely do, but it doesn't feel, I wouldn't, that wouldn't be my lunch. No, it's like I'd have it instead of popcorn. Like it's a snack at the cinema. It's a major snack, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a meal, I don't think.

So I'd like to have that. The number of times, it's so upsetting for myself and my son because a lot of the time, we're going to see like, you know, just the latest action thing. But really, we're kind of going for the hot dog. Yeah. And so often, they put that little prod in

and say, sorry, that's not ready. And they've only got three or four on. Basically, everyone's come for the hot dog, not the film. Have you ever gone in, bought a hot dog at the cinema and then left again without going to the film? No, I've never done that. You'd have to penetrate the ticket check, wouldn't you? I said, do you?

Because I think- You do at mine. I really, I think my local cinema, the snack concession is before the ticket check. Very wise of them. So you could go in again? I would do that. Definitely would do that, yeah.

So these hot dogs, I've got a lot of questions about these. You'd be surprised to hear, Bob, this is the first time that the Odian Cinema hot dog has come up off menu. Is it one of those ones where they're on those rollers? So the sausage is constantly in motion? Yes. What are those?

Because I always look at them, I marvel at the rollers. Is it a warming thing or is it more presentational? Do you, I, thank you, because it's interesting, isn't it? I don't know whether the heat is contained within the rollers or whether the rollers are just turning the sausage. I don't know the answer to that. Sometimes it's best not to know.

I would guess heat underneath the rollers. Rollers just do the motion. So I imagine heated rollers, that's quite, that's extreme, that's going to be pretty pricey for them to maintain that of the Odian Cinema. But maybe they can. Yeah, how confident are you of that? If I took you to an Odian now and they were circulating,

would you press firmly on those rollers? Would I put my hand down on the rollers? Well, I think the heat is still coming up from underneath those rollers and making them hot. But I don't think the rollers themselves are generating the heat. So I guess if you took the rollers, you know, if you moved them away from the rest of the machine

and they were just the rollers on their own and you turned them on, I would press my hand against them and I'd expect them to be cold, I think. I would be quite confident. I think you're probably right, Jokes, but would you accept there's a tiny bit of doubt? There would be, I wouldn't be completely in my head just like, this definitely won't burn me.

I think a part of me would be like, I could get burnt here. And there's always the chance that you'd do that and then sort of slip anyway. And then slip anyway, smack my elbow on it, you know. And I end up just being, my whole body being rolled round and round for the whole. And you end up in the big popcorn place. I end up in the popcorn place, like a humonculus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Odeon hotdog, it's one of the last places that you can buy very traditional hotdog, you know. It's a very soft bomb. It's a tinned Westerlas, I believe. I have tried to find out, I think it's Westerlas. Nobody seems to know. I did ask on Twitter.

People do seem to think it's a Westerlas hotdog. So it's soft and floppy, salty and delicious. Because nowadays, often hotdog is a real sausage or it's a baguette crusty bread. No, not into that. So yeah, Odeon hotdog would be nice, thanks. Absolutely. First time I had one of those kind of hotdog sausages.

We've, you know, we speak a lot on this podcast about times that, you know, you tried something for the first time, blew your mind. You felt like your whole world changed. And I definitely think the first time I had one of those sausages, I thought, well, this is the best thing ever. God, you see. This is like amazing.

And then instantly, I think articulating that, vocalizing it to my parents and getting told, those are disgusting and you shouldn't eat those because it's, that's bad. There's not even proper meat and all that stuff. But they are amazing. They're amazing and proper meat, they are. They're proper in the sense of the word

that that's proper for a hotdog. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. When they start fiddling, it's like, having an interest in something in your life is important, isn't it? And a hotdog isn't a terrible place to experiment with. I wonder why it's like having an interest in your life.

Yeah, yeah. Because like, so you try a hotdog whenever one appears. And it is interesting that Arsenal football ground, they serve literally the worst hotdog. Fuck. Even the Arsenal fans will say, if you go on there, it's an extraordinary thing. It's like, it's got quite a tough case in.

Like we're not at the end. Do you know that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, but look, it's really, and like when you split it, water comes out of it. Oh. It's a stinker. Yeah, that's bad.

There's probably some people who love it, but whoa. I mean, so if you were, say, the manager of Arsenal Football Club, you use your substitute, do you need to change the hotdogs every week? That'd be the point. Change the hotdogs? Yeah.

The fans would be livid. If you were losing like one nil or it was a draw, and then you were like, no, we're going to use the play to change the hotdogs again. Yeah. I think that if, I think it wouldn't be a bad show if you're four nil up. Yeah.

Yep. Jeannie? Yeah. Only the cinema hotdogs, please. I don't know whether you could, though, James, because it won't affect the play, will it? Well, it could affect the play because it would affect the fans morale

and their encouragement to the team. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would affect the play. So they'd hear this huge cheer go up because of the end of that hotdog. Well, they might be like, imagine a little boy sat in the stands,

he's crying because he's got a terrible hotdog, and then just changes. Yeah, that's the sound of it, mate. Yeah, it changes, and then suddenly he's happy. The rest of the fans catch on, and then a big roll goes up. Yeah, they forget all the problems of anger and that factor in an instant.

I love my team. I love my team. An oldian hotdog here at the Emirates. Always use the genie. It's a genie play again. What are you putting on the hotdog before we move on to the mains? I think we need to know, is it just a plain hotdog?

It's just a plain hotdog, and the yellow and the red, I think it's Heinz in the oldian. It must be Heinz. I think it says on the bottles, Heinz. Yeah, yeah. And so I'll buy into that. I don't suppose they fill them up with Costco.

Out of order, if they do, you'd be able to tell. How are you putting it on? Because obviously, we can put it on in any style. What I do is, hold it like that, which is nice to have something that you hold like that, isn't it? It's not so often. Yeah, the...

Sorry, I know people can't see, but you hold it. The sort of craving, yeah. And then from one end to the other. Straight lines. Yeah. Sorry about that. Okay. People can hear how heavy you put the bottle down,

so that's good. And then the other side of the sausage, the other color, the same. Yeah. Yeah. And then with the finger, is that your ring finger? No. You're pointing finger there.

Index finger. Index finger. I swirl them both together. Then lick the finger and say, it's good to be alive. And then stroll to me, dark seat. Yeah. You've got to do that before you get to the dark seat. I just unadopted this as well.

Yeah, actually, isn't this nice? It shows the true bond between a father and a son, that he allows me to do his swirly mix with my finger. But you do his first, they take it. I do tend to. There's yours. Because you can't do yours, lick your finger and then do your son's.

Yeah, it has to be someone else's hotdog first and then, yeah. I mean, I'm not much of one for extreme cleanliness. I don't sort of frolic around in dog dirt. But you know, I'm not that bothered about that sort of thing. I hope I've passed it on to my children. How old was you, son? 23.

No, he's not. He is? And he still lets you... It still lets you swirl his ketchup and mustard together on his hotdog with your finger. So he goes to the cinema with you, 23 years old. Yeah. Well, that's nice.

There's nothing wrong with that. That's lovely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get his hotdog, ketchup and mustard goes on, and then in plain sight of everyone, his dad turns and then lends his finger around his hotdog and swallows it together, then puts his finger in his mouth and says,

it's good to be alive. It's good to be alive, son. And yeah, I like going to the pictures with your son. It's good. That's lovely. Yeah, I think it's lovely. But I would definitely, I would probably do a double take if I saw...

Parents. 23 year old. I mean, his dad swallows his finger around, it's sort of... Yeah, it's the swirling, isn't it? Yeah, it's going on there. Yeah. Well, you get all forensic on me.

It does seem... It just seems like a little insignificant moment when I do it, but now it lets me look. No, it's lovely. I like it a lot. Yeah. That's very nice. What do you think, just very quickly?

Because that's a traditional hotdog, split bun, sausage down the middle. How do you feel about those rollover ones? Do you know the ones I mean? No, I don't know what you mean. It's a baguette. I used to work on rollover hotdogs. Did you?

They do that on those? Yeah, at Wixie Park. I worked at the rollover hotdog stand. I thought it was an ice cream place. I did as well. So one day I worked at the rollover hotdogs. They put me over on the rollover hotdog stand. Oh, is this where there's a hole in the bread?

Yeah, so there's like a hot iron pole, and that does have an element in it. So maybe. So maybe, who knows, actually. That's not all out there. The rollers have an element in it. But a hot iron pole, a spike, get the baguette and just hole in the baguette

and then you put the hot, and very satisfying. I would say I like eating those hotdogs. I definitely ate them the day that I was working there. More than one, I think, because I thought, I don't know if I'll be on this stand again. But I maybe found it even more satisfying to make it than eat it. Oh, right.

I mean, I don't like the baguette, James, with the dog. No, you wouldn't like it. How do you get the sauce in that, though? Well, so you do the spike. You put the sauce in first. And then the sausage. Does it not lead to kind of sauce concentration in one area, like at the bottom?

I call it the bomb. No, what I'd do is, as the customer asked for a hotdog, I'd spike it. Yes. I'd put all the sauce in. Yeah. And then I'd put the sauce bottle down. Yes.

It's a big bottle. And then I'd get my finger. And I'd just go in from the bottom, all the way up to the top, swirl it up. It's good to be alive, hotdog in. There you go. That'd be £5.60. What the listener doesn't know is,

James has got a 30-centimeter-long finger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I'm thinking is, though, is, again, that the hygiene, you hygiene police sort of people. What would probably be the best way would be go squirt into the hole, put the sausage in, take the sausage out, turn it, and put it back in. Yeah, that'd be nice.

That's amazing. But then everyone would say, oh, I wish I wasn't alive. Now I've seen that man do this. Your dream name? Well, it's so difficult. Oh, so maybe my third change of restaurant. Oh, yeah, sorry, yeah. So I'll go to, and I'd like to go to the Indian restaurant

on Campbell on New Road from 1990. OK. Might have got me dates wrong. We've jumped very far forward. Maybe I should have started in 1980. OK, you jumped very far forward. You didn't have to jump the same amount of time every time? I started 1980.

Yeah. And then 83 was the start. I'll go 85. So we're 85 now. 85? They're not going to be together, are they? Maybe one. No, I think some of them will be.

So 1990, the New Duanean on Campbell on New Road for Chicken Madras, maybe Vindaloo, I've really struggled with that. A perfect Vindaloo is probably my sweet spot. But sometimes they can be a little bit too fiery. But if it's the perfect Vindaloo, which I think the New Duanean is the best guarantee I can think of, that's what I go for.

And I get my poppadom then. And I'd have my poppadom with... I'd have three poppadoms, James. Yeah. I'm a big poppadom cowboy, you know. I like to ride the poppadoms. And do you know, you get those packet showers, are they? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe there's eight in there, maybe. That's a very important snack to me. My wife does a nice... I don't know whether you call it relish, whatever, but she mixes like coriander, onion, tomato, and lots of mango chutney all together. Oh, lovely. And then I just...

It's a good snack. You know, for watching The Real Housewives. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't probably have that if I was watching Call Saul. I'd probably have a softer, softer snack. Because you don't want to be crunching over the information on details. Well, it's an important show for Call Saul, for me.

And when there's an episode to watch, try and treat it with a bit of reverence. Your focus, you need that focus. You know, you wouldn't have a silly Curly Whirly to suck away. You know, like, maybe I wouldn't snack during Better Call Saul. Yeah, save the snack for after. Save her all those beautiful shots and the cinematography and all that stuff.

What would you eat a Curly Whirly watching? What's the show that deserves to be treated with the least amount of reverence, do you think? You know, are you football picked? Not massively. I know, we've held our own in the Genie Hot Dog football chat. But apart from that, we don't really know much about football. I watch football whenever there's football on.

And a couple of times every week, there'll only be a very lower league match on, you know, Yoville versus Kettering or something. Thank you. And are you Kettering? Yes. I didn't know that time. I'm from Kettering.

Kettering. Harriers? Kettering. Kettering Town FC. Kettering Town FC. The poppies. The poppies. Yes. Well, nice.

So, and if I was watching that, I might have a Curly Whirl. Yeah. Because that's daft football. I mean, I mean, what? No, it's great, but... Yeah, it is Curly Whirly football. We haven't got a football ground at the minute. We share it with Burton Town Wanderers, so...

No, no, no, no. Burton Latin and Wanderers or Burton... Burton Wanderers is something like that. Do you think if they've got their own ground, you might have to change from maybe Curly Whirly to a Mars or something? Well, Mars is serious, isn't it? Yeah.

That's more of a championship, but I would have said... I do like chocolate. Do you like your Cadbury's variations? Yeah, very much. Never quite sure how to say it, but the Cadbury's D'Arme, D'Iam. D'Iam. D'Iam.

D'Iam. Yeah, but it is confusing. Yeah. It's... That's a beautiful bar of chocolate, that one. Not the D'Iam, the Cadbury's Dairy Milk with bits of... Oh, with bits of it, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you don't like the D'Iam on its own? I do like it on its own.

It's a bit challenging. It is. Challenging's the exact words. Snap it off. Again, though, you're talking about... You mentioned a lot of things that I remember eating for the first time and they just changed my world. First time I bit into a D'Iam bar, I was like, this is incredible.

I absolutely loved it, and it was around the time when Harry Enfield was doing the adverts. Yeah, Armadillo. Oh, right. From the Armadillo adverts? I kind of don't. Kind of don't. The...

Crunchy on the outside, smooth on the inside. Yeah. Armadillo's. I remember, Vic, we launched the Boost Bar, the Cadbury's Boost. You launched it? We launched it, yeah. We went to Southern Spain and dressed up as cowboys, and Jim came up with the tagline, Slightly Rippled with a Flat Underside,

which was... Do you not remember that? And we launched the Boost Bar, and it's a good bar, the Boost. It is a really good bar. It's one of the classics. You know what? The entire episode is a trip down memory lane, and I'm loving it, because...

We're pre-boost, of course. We're pre-boost. And Boost is probably the first chocolate bar I remember. I mean, I'm saying I remember it being launched. Apologies, I don't remember that you and Vic launched it. But, like, I was so excited to try a Boost Bar, and then when I had one, it did not disappoint. I loved the bits of biscuit in it.

I absolutely adored Boosts and had them every week. You used my pocket money to buy them. And I'm very excited to learn that you launched them and came up with a tagline. When did you last have a Caramac, either of you? Probably not as long ago as you would think, but also not recently. But I love a Caramac.

You like a Caramac, yeah. There's nothing else like it. Well, I'll tell you, there is something else like it, though. That's a good tagline. Yeah, there's nothing else like it, yeah. There's nothing else like it. Dairy Milk have started doing their own Caramac kind of version, and they've started selling, like, a Dairy Milk, like, Caramac.

So I had that the other day. For the first time. So it's like... This sounds good. So it's like, well, it's that kind of Caramac chocolate, but in a Dairy Milk. Right. Environment. Yeah. Yeah. And I liked it.

I think people have rejected... A lot of people have rejected the Caramac. And I think people should give it one more chance. Yeah. I mean, all the bars are great. I don't like the double-decker, if that's what you're thinking. Sorry if that... I'd say what? That shocks me.

Really, I don't like it. You like the unsung heroes, yeah? Yeah, I feel like it comes in the same. They're like, you know... I like the sweeter ones, you know, like, you're double-decker and you're toffee crisp. Yeah. On Fridays, my mum used to get as a bar each.

Yeah. And, like, so there was four boys. So the bars, she goes to Pibus the Grocers. They're all waiting in the kitchen, and the chocolate bars come out, four bars come out. Yeah. And the little hands go... One left would be toffee crisp.

Really? So she used to buy different bars? Yeah, or double-decker. And then just scramble for it. Because kids know that, no, it's not a savoury bar, right? I'm not saying that, but it's at the savoury end. Toffee crisp. The toffee crisp and the double-decker are at the savoury end.

I mean, that's mad. I mean, at the time, you were having 15 sugars in your tea or what. But, like, I don't think anyone would ever taste a double-decker or a toffee crisp and go, it's been on the savoury side for me. Oh, it's full of bacon. I mean, I've had all the chocolate bars. Look at the age of me.

I've had them all. I've done all the techniques. Take the chocolate off the top. Yeah. But the other day, I had a crunchy and I snapped it in half and put the whole half in and just, like, chewed it like it was, I don't know, like it was beef. Yeah.

And it really worked. Yeah. I've never done that before. I sort of nibbled the chocolate off and I... Do you think that's the final technique done now? Do you think now you've done them all? Yeah, you'd have to start getting silly after that, like putting it in hot water or something.

The standard techniques only using your hand and mouth. Yeah. I think I've probably done them all. Does that one with the crunchy, where, again, you could hold it in that way? Yeah. You take the top off. Yeah.

The top layer of chocolate and then you lick from the bottom of the top of the honeycomb and you get, like, a groove. Yeah. It eventually collapses in on itself with the saliva. Yeah. And you get a much softer... Like soil erosion. It's a bit like...

Soil science, basically. You said that whole thing like it's something everyone does as well. You know, when you take the top layer of the chocolate of a crunchy and then you lick it like a lolly from top to bottom, there's the honeycomb until it erodes. No. There was a bar called the Majestic Bar when I was young, which was just way for chocolate paste and Nutella,

sort of thing, way for chocolate. And you'd have a little gas fire, do you remember from your youth? Your mum and dad would have, like, a gas fire. Yeah? And they would hold it like that and the hottest way for it was curl off and then you could just take that like that and then you could do the... Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

You could do the next. They would peel off each layer. Yeah, that was a fun way for... Did your hands not get really hot? I don't remember. Yeah. And being a burns victim at any point during that process. Amazing if you held your hand off now and it was just great.

It was made of brass. When we did the boost advert, during the lunch break, we had the beautiful costumes, like cowboy costumes, and we said we want to go and hunt some scorpions. What? We were in the Andean desert, you know, like a cowboy town. And so they said we really have to take costumes off. So we went off into these little hills in our undies.

Yeah. And just around these. And it was really hot, like hot, hot. And so I put my undies on my head. So you're naked now? Yeah. And took a long story shot. Don't cut the long story shot.

You're naked in the desert with your pants like that, hunting scorpions. On the scorpion hunt. And we... Jim poked a stick in, we looked under a rock, and a snake came out. And I threw my underpants at the snake. Just as a reaction. Fuck!

My underpants at the snake. And at that point, there was a load of extras there, and the leader of them suddenly appeared next to us and just saw as me naked with my underpants on the floor. Snake had gone. Snake had gone. Jim said serpent. Serpent.

Serpent. Serpent or something. And then... Anyway, so we got a certain reputation after that episode. It's the nearest... Is this true? The nearest to a meal you can have is the boost bar. It's got a real density to it.

It's got a real density. Yeah. Have you seen the boosts about that long? Yeah. What are they thinking? Yeah. I mean, that's binding people, isn't it? Yeah.

This really is. It's taking a workforce down. Is it even a duo? It's not a duo. I don't think... I think, James, it's a great big boost, yeah, for adults only, 18. If you kind of, like, had them baguette for a rollover hotdog

and did the spike, do you think you could fit that boost in there and it would still be poking out the top? My instinct is it would be perfect. It would be absolutely what they'd call that, flush in the end of the roll. Yeah. And you'd be onto something. Yeah.

And they'd be franchised. Mm-hmm. And you'd be on a yacht, smoking cigars, probably with a pet ape. Yeah. You know, all they need to do is lob a boost in a good work, you know? Yeah.

Good work. If that boost is... It's quite you taking down a workforce. Yeah. What's a boost in a baguette going to be? It's going to bring all the vehicles down, isn't it? It's going to clog their engines, everything. Your dream side dish.

Well, because I've gone for the curry, I mean, I'm really regretting it a bit now. Are you? Yeah. It looks sad. I really like fish. It certainly looks sad. I like...

I'm... I'm... Turbot. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. King of the sea. It's good. It is the king, isn't it?

Yeah. Halibut. What would you say, Prince? Prime Minister? Yeah. Prime Minister of the sea. Prime Minister of the sea. The Halibut.

And I once and once only had a card that had been caught the night before. And that was... That was extraordinary. The difference between a fresh card and a card in the restaurant. Yes. It's a big, big difference. Yeah. But I'm going to stick with me.

Stick with your vindaloo. Your vindaloo, yeah. But you feel... I tell you, you feel sad in your eyes. Sad? You look quite sad. A trout on the side? Do you have a trout on the side?

Do you have a trout on the side? As your side dish? Do you mind? I don't mind. Of course you don't. Sorry, I need to get you straight. Yeah, I will. I'll have a trout, please.

Do you want a trout on the side? Do you have a trout as your side dish? Do you know what would work? Because I would have my vindaloo with chips. Yeah. Yeah. And that's beginning to work now, isn't it? Yeah.

One nice, big flake of trout on chip. Yeah. So it's... A tiny bit of curry sauce. Yeah. Yeah. So the main course, are we saying, is chicken vindaloo. Chicken vindaloo with chips.

Chicken vindaloo with chips. With papadoms and chips. Yes, thank you. Yeah. And then the side is a trout. I think this works. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And you know, fuck it. Turbot. Turbot, not a... You want a turbot on the side? Yeah. Turbot. How do you want the turbot prepared?

How's that being cooked? Just like that... You know, when you just fry it. Yeah. You shallow fry it. Yeah. Who's caught it? Who caught the turbot?

Yeah. Who caught the turbot? Who would you like to... Would you like it if Paul had caught it? Someone like that, you know. Yeah. We know who he is. Would you like to only know...

On Lee Westwood, he's a golfer, isn't he? Yeah. Caught by a sportsman. Yeah, yeah. Peter Beards. A slightly fading sportsman. Yeah. What would you do if you were in a restaurant and you had a turbot and then they said,

bit of a surprise, we're going to bring out the person who's caught it now. And Peter Beardsley came out like... That would be amazing. I'm like, Bob, I come down from Newcastle, you know. I wanted this turbot. So I hope you enjoy it. I'm a nice... With you, Cully.

So, yeah, that would be great. So thank you for that. Yeah. Thrice fried chips or something like that. Yeah, yeah. I like my northern chips in beef dripping. Thanks very much. Yeah.

If that's okay, I'll take it. You can absolutely have that. If you want beef dripping. Please. Thrice... Thride. Thrice ride. It's a nice meal, this.

Thank you. It's just going quite well. Beardsley. Joe, I just got now with that. No, I've given them a turbot. They just nicked off. Stay, Beardsley. That's alright.

It's alright. I'll get help with it. I think probably what would happen is I'd eat the turbot and the chips with just a hint of curry sauce and I'd probably leave the chicken. I can see that happening, but I'll give it a go. Oh, really? I could see that happening. Yeah.

Maybe chicken for Beardsley. Take a bit of chicken, Peter. That's great. That's great. Thanks for watching, you know. Check out the next bit of chicken. That's back up. Back up.

Impressions. So, there you go. Good impression. In my school, Peter Beardsley was what we said when we didn't believe someone. Was it? Scratching your chin. The whole scratching your chin thing. And we were pretending we had a beard.

And to start off with it was beard. It was just beard. We got our beard. And then it evolved into Beardsley. And then just saying Peter Beardsley. And also, we just pulled the beard out longer and longer and had like curls and stuff to it. Yeah.

Beardsley. We were a class straight up, straight up Jimmy Hill at our school. Yeah, Jimmy Hill. My mum was a teacher. Your mum? She was a cookery teacher. Oh, well, extremely relevant. Yeah.

And of course, being a cookery teacher. And before that, a cook in a hotel, the last thing she wanted to do was cook when she got home. Yeah. That's why I'm very keen on thinking like your birds eye rain. I was brought up on that first rush of fast food that came in the 70s. Frozen mainly. Fish fingers, birds eye, cod and parsley sauce, is that something?

Yeah. All those things. Yeah. And I suppose you get addicted to those childhood diets. I really got back into fish fingers during lockdown. They're good, aren't they? They're so good. I just had a, you know, I didn't really have fish fingers much growing up.

Really got into like any place that did like a fish finger sandwich. Yeah. I never turned down a fish finger sandwich. I rarely have fish fingers at home. But if I see fish finger sandwich on the menu, I'm having a fish finger sandwich. Yeah. It's quite instant when you see that on the menu. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. The one thing that irritates me about the fish finger business. Yes. You know, I mean, or grand scale, the fish finger business and all that is that if you, if you, you casually go along this, the freezer section and it's a bird's eye fish fingers and you take them and then you get home and there's that little detail that you haven't spotted that they're not cod fish fingers. Have you ever been caught out by this?

You can get really caught out by the packages identical except for just that word cod before fish fingers. And then if you look at the ingredients for the non cod ones, it's something like various unknown fish. It's mystery fish. White fish. I think they're called the various white fish. Yeah.

And can you tell the difference if we blindfolded you and lined up a load of fish fingers, could you tell the difference? I think so instantly. Yeah. Although, you know, when it's, it's, it's interesting with them the way that the, the marketing and the branding can interfere actually with your, almost with your taste. It's like, everyone, what's the best tomato ketchup? Yeah.

I've got to say Heinz. I've got to say Heinz. But in, when we were doing shoots, I don't know, just for the fun of it, we used to do a test every week before the show on, on the stage, you know, as part of just getting things going, which was daddies versus Heinz. Daddies would always win hands down. Really? I mean, hands down.

Yeah. It would win. Maybe daddies need to get the act to get, maybe mummy needs to get involved. I think so. Do you know what I mean? And sort this out because they've got a marvelous product there. They've just not marketed themselves properly. Brand name's awful.

I don't want to say, well, I'd like some daddies on my chip. Yeah. Daddy sauce, please. Yeah. Daddy sauce. What? I mean, it sounds dodgy. Of course, for your son, daddy sauce is anything that's been swelled around.

Yeah. You don't call daddy sauce, do you? Daddy swirly sauce. So, I mean, that's something I'd encourage your readers to try a caramac again. Yeah. And maybe just switch to a daddies one time. It's only a little bottle. That's the daddies.

Yeah. And do the blindfolded taste test with the fish fingers. Yeah. Yeah. Just take a little bit of care of these cod. Yeah. These are the various. Mystery fish.

Yeah. They sell where, like, the posher they are, the less I like them. Yeah. And I want orange fish fingers. Maybe you like the mystery fish. Maybe I like them. Yeah. Isn't turbot something like 30 quid?

Very, very expensive. Per whatever they sell it in a pound or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of worth it though, isn't it? Yeah. Once in a blue moon. So, you might have, like, the most expensive side dish we've had on the podcast. Yeah.

Oh, I'd be pleased about that. Yeah. I don't know anything. I wasn't being arch. Because people, isn't there some of these people go to Dubai and have a beef burger that's covered in gold? There's so much stuff like that. Yeah.

Yeah. There's, like, the world's most expensive beef burger and they've made it expensive by putting, like, a ring in it or something. Yeah. Yeah. It's just... Yeah. Put it in a bride's dress.

Yeah. I liked it. Do you go to wedding shops at all just to pass the time? No. No, I don't. I think it might be all right. Yeah. Just sit down and...

Well, what do you say to them if you were to go in there to pass the time? Is there help? I just got some time to pass. Yeah. I just wanted to... See, just honest with them. Yeah, I think you're going to be straight, yeah. Yeah.

Or maybe, no, maybe that's weird. Maybe you should just say, do you mind if I have a browse of my daughters getting married? That's good. I just want to have a look at some prices. And then sit down. Yeah. Then feign a little illness. I said, do you mind if I just sit down and maybe get me a glass of bovril?

And just watch the comments and go in. All that excitement. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we can... I mean, we're coming onto your dessert. We could move the dessert into a wedding shop if... Well, wouldn't that be amazing though if one couple had survived?

Oh, yeah. One couple had made it. So I ate with them. They're bridal fitting. That'd be exciting. I mean, before we get there though, we've got your dream drink. Oh, sorry. Yeah.

And you mentioned bovril just now. Bovril is... Do you know, the other day, I went in a hot tub, yeah, and had two sausages and a glass of bovril. And I... I mean, isn't that something? Yeah. Absolutely is.

I was with Paul White, I was one of our... And we rent a country, you know, Airbnb. Yeah. And there's a lot of them who've got hot tubs these days. And I really like bovril of an afternoon. Yeah. Black and white movie. Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen the movie Barbara? 2012 is the year of release. No. Not... It's not a film from the 70s called Barbara 2012. No. Like a futuristic, erotic thriller.

It's a super. And I don't often say super. Yeah. You know, I think it's overused. Yeah. It's a super film. Yeah. And...

But a very much an afternoon film. Close the curtains and have a bovril, put your slipper socks on. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So I recommend that if anyone's not doing anything this Sunday. You own slipper socks? I have owned them.

Yeah. I... Oh, I haven't got one today. I wear slippers all the time. Right. And I found a slipper that had a label on it that said suitable for light outdoor use. Uh-huh. And it is.

So you wear slippers in place of shoes most of the time? Yeah. If you... Yeah. It's very rare that I have shoes on. Very rare. And you just like how they feel? Can't feel.

I suffer from rheumatoid arthritis. And then it makes... With your feet, it makes it feel like you're walking on marbles sort of thing. It's not very nice. And these shoes, actually they're called shoes. Yeah. When I think about it, they're called dude shoes. I'm not advertising, I'm saying.

Dude shoes? D-U-D-E. Yeah. And they've got... I mean, I'm a sucker for this sort of thing. It says they've got patented sole technology. Right. Yeah.

They're... When you get to my age, there's a lot of marketing that's aimed at comfort. Yeah. And skin itching. Yeah, yeah. So I discovered this patented... Australian. Which is quite a quirk, isn't it?

Spanish shoes. Australian shoes, yeah. But Australian shoes, you don't... And I mean, they're delightful. They are super. The dude shoes. The dude shoes, yeah. It's actually called the dude farty.

And it combines indoor-outdoor but with an indoor bent, you know, comfort TV watching. Yeah. But you just go outside. So you could wear them 24-7. I do wear them 24-7, yeah. Do you take them off for bedtime or anything? Sorry, you're right. I do take them off for bedside.

No, I sleep in them. Bugs and stuff, you take them off. I crawl into them. Are we just glossing over the fact that... Dude farty? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. These are the fact that Bob wears shoes that are called dude farty.

Dude farty. They're very, really nice. Yeah. You know, the younger set probably wouldn't wear them outdoors, but you'd enjoy your indoor time the better it was. Yeah. We've also moved quite far away from you being in a hot tub having a glass of Bob. Yeah.

We've really got a track back over all this. Yes. We've got a dude farty, which obviously I think is hilarious, but like... You were in a hot tub with poor White House. He wouldn't get in. He wouldn't get in. On account of the sausages. Okay, so you were already in there?

I was already in there. Eating two sausages. Now, are you eating them on a plate? Are you eating them... They were on a plate just... There was actually four sausages on a white plate on there, like the rim of the tub. Yeah. And onto my left hand, a glass of Bob Roll.

Yes. Because that's all we could find was a glass. Yeah. You know, sometimes, you know, cupboards, but I couldn't. Yeah. There was cups everywhere, but I just couldn't find them. Yeah. And he came, he arrived after me.

Yeah. I was in the hot tub already there. So this is what he arrived to? He arrived to it. I said, get in Paul. And he seemed like he was up for it. Then he saw four sausages and something about that turned him and he wouldn't get in. I did rather pleasantly to try and entice him.

I took a sausage. Yes. And I floated in the hot tub. Yeah. And then I put it on my belly, then raised my belly up. I said, come on, Paul. Come on. Let's have a savory dip.

But he wasn't to be persuaded. No. No, no. And they're very, very hot. You would say, no, you, like, alter the heat. It'll have a control on it. Yeah. But this one just had on, off, as far as I could tell.

And it was hot. And it was a very hot day. And you were drinking hot. Hot sausages. The sausages were hot. Yeah. Still had a bit of water to them, yeah. You were putting hot stuff into your body.

Yeah. While in a hot tub. Yeah. On a hot day. There, yeah. Sometimes, you know, it's, didn't your parents ever say sometimes it's good to sweat it out? Yeah. I don't know what it was.

Yeah. But here I am now, loving life. So Bovril is your dream drink for this year? No. No, thank you. Oh, it's not? No. Because it's curry, it has to be very cold beer.

I'm sad to say, no, not sad at all. I'm going to be proud of it. I really do like craft beers with American hops. I love them. I have them every night. Seven nights, 24, whatever. Yeah. And I enjoy it very much.

Do you like to have a range? Do you like to try new ones? Well, there's one that I'm addicted to, but it's made by a company that everyone hates now. Right. So I don't like to say it. Don't want to have that association. But I did do some brewing with a brewery called Alpha State in Kent.

Just one young lad who's like got a lean to. I believe him to be the best brewer in the country. I did a couple of beers with him, Retail Park and Kiss the Alderman. Yeah. And he's classy. He was in the army and left the army. Well, the army was, I think, was important because his first tour of duty, or is that just a game?

His first tour of duty? Yeah, that's a thing. His first tour of duty was like Croatia, Bosnia, something like that. And the first job he was given was to go and shoot all the stray dogs. Oh, my God. And I can't quite tie it together. But I think that's the start of his journey to brewing on his own in the countryside. But the thing is, he brews his beer is extraordinary.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It's almost worth it. It's like that. Yeah. It's sold before he makes it. Yeah, yeah.

If you get one, you're done good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that gives an extra twist, doesn't it? Yeah. So the ones that you brewed with him, Retail Park and Kiss the Alderman, what particular, were they a particular style? Kiss the Alderman was one of these dark, you know, like, not Guinness, but do they have a name for them?

Like a stout? Like a stout, yeah. I think you call it a stout. It was vanilla, coffee and chocolate. And it was just a joy. Because I think we all think that these like craft breweries are really is the real deal. 99.9% of them out there using hot pellets, flavorings. Right.

Yeah. So he sits there, scraping the vanilla beans out, making hot chocolate and stuff to put in it. Wow. You're getting a real, like a product that some hours have been put in. Yeah. You know, a whole bucket of vanilla seeds is a low work. Wow.

So to have one of his, but it's one of the, it's like a scientific shame that you can't get colder than there's a point, isn't there? Yeah. I don't know what it is, but if the coldest be, let's say it's, would it be zero degrees or something? I guess. Yeah. Yeah.

Isn't it such a shame you can't get to minus 20? Or something. Yeah. About it being frozen. Without it. Yeah. It's a shame, isn't it? Maybe there's a little shape they could put in it, a little plastic, something that stops

it freezing. Right. A little plastic shape. Yeah. Well, we could do, I mean, this is the dream restaurant. We can get that plastic shape. If you want that for your dream. We can put it in and we can bring you minus 20 beer.

Minus 20, a citrusy IPA. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Wow. You know, you were talking about those like life changing texts. Yeah.

Imagine if you didn't know it, but I'd just given you like a minus 20 degree to have with your curry. I said to the IPA. Wow. Wow. That'd hit you. Yeah. That would hit you.

Yeah. That would remind you to enjoy yourself, wouldn't it? Yeah. Absolutely. So I'm kind of interested in knocking up that boost bar baguette. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But I can tell. So you still, it's been on your mind. Since you mentioned it, I can tell it's been knocking around in your head and you've been thinking about it. Yeah. Yeah. Because that gooey stuff in a boost would melt. Yeah.

Yeah. Interestingly. It would be like a bit of a, like extravagant or also dirty panachoccalar. Oh, to be honest. Yeah. Yeah. So would you, would you put it in a hot, the hot baguette would be hot? Yeah.

So what would normally happen, the roll of the hot dog stand, you've got warm baguettes, the spike is very hot. So when you put it into the spike, that warms that inside of it. That's heating the inner, the inner. Yeah. So if you put the boost in the inside, I think it would melt a bit. Yeah. It wouldn't melt completely.

And obviously the biscuit's not going to melt. So the biscuit won't melt. Which is a good thing. Yeah. Exactly. You know, the boost would still maintain like, it would still, it wouldn't like completely go, you know. I think its power would only increase.

I think its power would only increase, actually. Yeah. You know, honestly, the slightly melty gunge, the chocolate melting, maybe 10 seconds in the microwave. Maybe or in a panini toaster. Maybe. Would it be against that? I wouldn't be against that.

I would not be against that. I'm worried about what it would do to the shape, but yeah. Well, you sort of, you do need the shape because one of the joys of this boost bugger is it is flush. We've talked about that. Yeah. And if you melt the boost completely, that really loses the effect of the flushness. Maybe there's a stopper that you put in.

Yeah. My pudding, would you like to know? Yes. We're in the, the wedding shop. Yeah. Wedding shop. She's just come in with a mum. Yeah.

Yeah. And maybe an aunt. Yeah. A gaggle, isn't it? Yeah. It's an interesting day. Amazing. Like, it's basically net curtains, isn't it?

Isn't it? A lot of them. The dresses. Yeah. But I should imagine. I have no idea, but you take your first look at a price and it's probably like 900 quid or something. Yeah.

1,700 quid. Yeah. So that's interesting. It is, isn't it? Reaction. So you want to be there for the first reaction of the price? You definitely want to see that. Because there's a lot going on between mother and daughter there.

The pressure for it to be such a happy moment. Yeah. Yeah. And then like, who's that man in the corner? Yeah. He's sitting down. Watching it. Watching it.

So yeah, he's just a bit ill, he's got the runs. As he steadily pushes a boost bar into a baguette, into a hollowed out baguette, looking over at them. So I'm going to choose Syrup Sponge Pudding with custard. I've always loved it. Lovely. Does everyone choose that? No.

No. It's the first time we've had it on the podcast, but it is, it is delicious. And as you said it, I thought, yeah, sounds like Bob would like a Syrup Sponge Pudding with custard. Oh, I love that. Yeah. But that would be my favorite course, I think. Yeah.

Yeah. Good on you. It's all building up to this. It's all building up to that. Yeah. Like in the old days, there was this, there was like the Syrup Suit Pudding. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

That's delicious. But I'll go Syrup Sponge because my wife makes, I'm going to use that word superb on again. I'm so surprised that I thought that was the UK's go-to pudding. Well, we have, we, I guess it's like a variation on a sticky toffee, right? We've had sticky toffee before. Right. It's a similar sort of thing. Yeah.

Steamed. Would it be steamed or is that the suit one that's steamed? That's the suit one that's steamed. Right, okay. Yeah, yeah. I think I'll just take sponge. Lovely sponge, yeah. Yeah.

I think that, you know, there's a bowl of ice cream. I'm just thinking that all these put it, you know, like a creme brulee. Yeah. And they're there. Over there. It's a steaming syrup sponge pudding. It doesn't seem like any competition to me. No.

Yeah. That's always the best one. Because when Ed said sticky toffee pudding there, you kind of did a face was like, it's not the same. No, not for me. You weren't happy with that. No, it's not a plain sponge, is it? It's always quite a dark sponge.

Yes. Always quite like raisins in it. Yeah. You just want, it's a plain sponge with the syrup on it. Yeah. And then hot custard. Do you know, I don't mind if the syrup, if the custard's a bit cold. Yeah.

It can be quite interesting. Minus 20. Can you freeze custard? That could be interesting. I'm sure you can freeze custard. Yeah. Must be able to freeze custard. A cube of custard, frozen custard.

Yeah. On top in the. No, pop it in your mouth. Oh, yeah. Get on the train and just think, and you know, like every, no one would know you were there. Yeah. No one would even know. And it would just develop across the train journey.

Just turn into custard. Yeah. As you pass seven oaks. And then just to surprise someone, the person sitting opposite you, you just open your mouth and let the custard fall out. And would it be expected that? There would not be expecting custard. Yeah.

If you could, if you could properly do experiments, so you put the cube of custard in your mouth when you get on the train. Yes. And you know that by the time you arrive at your stop, you swallow as the doors open and you just swallowed a full mouthful of custard. Yeah. Perfect. Could be perfect.

Maybe with a slice of apple that softens on your journey to Savanova. Yeah. The whole thing could like. Yeah. Yeah. Basically. You don't want to fill your mouth with stuff on the train, I guess. I guess.

More people would know then if you had a full mouth of stuff. But I suppose all I'm saying really is, is really, is have a spoon of baby food, isn't it? Yeah. And then let it drip out of your mouth. It's a London bridge. It's the syrup, golden syrup. I think it is, isn't it?

Yeah. My wife uses golden syrup, yeah. What's the story about the, on the tin of golden syrup? The lion. The lion. Yeah. What's the story behind the lion? I wish I knew.

It's Titan Lion. Titan Lion, right? Yeah. Is there a story? There's the drawing of the lion and I think it's like, there's like a story. It might be like, you know, the lion having like a thorn in its paw. I think you're right. There is a story.

And someone takes the... From the fable. Yeah. There's something like that. I think you're right. Yeah. I think that it's, it's met to present in one of those stories, but it's not in his head.

Is it that bonito? It's the lion and the bee story. I don't know that story, do you? No. James, please, tell us the lion and the bee story. Well, from what I know, which is only the title, I'm imagining that the bee stings the lion. Yeah.

Yeah. It leaves its stinger in the lion's paw. The lion then looks for help and then a man finds the lion and removes the stinger from the paw to help the lion. And then the two of them agree to get revenge on the bees and then they find where the beehive is and they kill all of the bees and they seal the honey from the beehive and make syrup out of it. And that's how we get Lyle's golden syrup.

I think that works. The only thing I was thinking is maybe they don't kill the bees because they find syrup. Right. Do you know? I'm realising that. Just to make it a bit nice. Yeah. So it's not like a massacre at least.

Why is it a nasty term? Yeah, yeah, it's a nasty term actually. Why does the man have to be there? Someone's got to help the lion get the bee sting out of its paw. Did you not like that? It just seems a shame to introduce a man to the fables because quite often it's just the animals. It's just the animals.

Yeah. So maybe something else with opposable thumbs is like a monkey. Yeah, a monkey. The ape from your... Have you seen those very sad wildlife films where they put a bit of sugar or honey in the hole in the tree to catch monkeys? No. Because the monkey goes...

They're really sad. The monkey goes in like that and grabs the... I think it's... There's something they put in there, something that entices the monkey. And they grab it and then they can't get their hand out and they don't let go. Oh. It's really awful. Who's that?

Who does that to the monkey? Locals. That's who is the locals. Bob, I'm going to read back your menu to you, see how you feel about it. Water you want. A bottle of still water. A pot of bread, you want the crusts, the lukewarm crusts with some olive oil. Water, Odeon Cinema Hot Dog, ketchup and mustard, swelled by your own finger.

Main course, a perfect vindaloo with poppadons and chips. Side dish, turbot, shallow fried, drink, minus 20 degree citrus IPA. Thank you. Dessert, simmered sponge pudding with custard, made by your wife. Made by my wife, thank you. And you know what? And at the end, if you want to walk home and have the boost baguette, I'll allow that. Thank you.

And maybe a cube of frozen custard in your eyes. A cube of frozen custard for the train home. Thank you very much, yeah. The hot tub's already fired up, the sausages are sizzling, the bobbrel's brewing. It's a very neglected drink, the bobbrel. Have you ever made the error of trying to make a beefy drink from Marmite? No. That's a horror.

I love Marmite. You had to, we're big Taskmaster fans, Ed and I, you had to make your own Marmite, didn't you? Yeah. On Taskmaster? Yeah. I had a go. You did alright, didn't you win that one?

I don't know. I don't know. I think you did quite well. She started with something like bobbrel. I think you did, yeah. I think you did. I'm a hardcore fan of it. My fiance works in television, she used to be a runner, she started out being a runner.

She always loved it if she works on a show that you were on, but because you'd drive yourself there and then drive yourself home. Yeah, always do. At the end you'd just be like, thank you very much, Bobo, and hop in your car and go. No bother whatsoever. I hope I'm no bother. No, you absolutely are. No, I like car journeys, on your own, with your car meats and your car snacks.

Yeah, your car meats. Put the radio on. I was about to wrap up and then you mentioned car meats. The number one car meat is the Scotch egg. No, one moment it is. Yeah. It's manageable, slips out of the packet easy. I stopped the other day on a long journey to get me car meats and Marks and Spencer's

have now, there's a bit of this going on across food for me for an old timer, is the Scotch egg, they've made it into some sort of chilly, spicy coating. Right. Do you know a lot of food to get in this, and I just wanted to... They're trying to jazz it all up a bit. Yeah. Which is disappointing. Pepper army.

I'm with you on the Scotch egg as well, similar to the fish fingers. The posh do they get, the less I like them. For sure, yeah. But Scotch egg, again, I want it orange. I do like a posh Scotch egg, maybe in a gastropub or something like that, where it comes hot and it's runny in the middle. Oh yeah. I do like that.

But that's obviously, you don't want that in the car, that would be a nightmare if you've got a hot runny egg. I wouldn't like that. No. The wife bought me two Scotch eggs the other week, have you come across these and they're cold, you know, the Scotch egg, but the eggs runny in the middle. I've not had a cold one with any egg. They've somehow got the technology to create that now.

I hated it. I got shocked. If you're not expecting, do you know that when I was young, someone at school put a scoop of potato in me pudding that was covered, a scoop of mashed potato, that was covered by a custard. And I ate that and that I instantly spewed my guts up. But I think it's to do with the expectation, you know, like, what the... Yeah.

But you were, what? You were sick immediately. Immediately sick. No, I promised you, immediately. It's like my body and my mind or whatever. Yeah. No. Get that out.

Get that out quicker. Yeah. And the pork pie, obviously. Yeah. I'm a big fan of the Jynchda's standard Cornish pasty. Yeah. Not strictly car meat, but it's car. Sure.

Well, there's meat content. There's meat content somewhere. Well, these are all meat content things. So, you know, they're not all like, because when you said car meat, I was imagining you with a pack of Ham or sliced beef. Yeah. Just put it in your pocket. No, you can, Ham's very good as pocket meat.

Yeah. If you've got the pockets that I've got, you know, the slender package. You can just open the top bit, slide your hand in, pull out the slice, move on with your life. And yeah, pocket meats, car meats are important stuff. You know what? You go to the Arsenal football ground, you open your hot dog and it just spills out the salty brown and you say, don't worry, son, wipe your tears away looking dad's pocket.

And there it is, choice of pork pie, pepper, army or a ham slice, a cold chicken, quarter is nice in a car. A quarter chicken. Yeah, it's nice in a car. On the bone. On the bone, yeah. So, would you just be holding it, eating it like Henry's the A1? Yeah, it's like Henry the A1 is going up the A1.

And again, it's just quite a nice smug feeling walking down, let's say Tully Street. Just passing strangers, avoiding eye contact with a little smile on your face because you know you've got meat in your pocket. Thank you very much. Thanks for having me. I think it was very much Bob. I'd enjoy that meal very much. I think I did okay.

Well, there we are, James. Yummy, yummy, yummy. Yummy, yummy, yummy. I mean, some yummy, yummy, yummy. Sure. Some not so yummy, yummy, yummy. Well, luckily the things that he described that sounded really gross didn't end up on the menu.

Yeah, that's true. The menu itself, I think, very nice. I would eat that whole menu. Yeah. Fine. Shout out for the Odeon hot dog. Shout out to the Odeon hot dog. I've never had it myself.

Maybe I will next time. I do want hot dogs now. Very rarely I do a hot dog evening at home. I think that might be the first hot dog we've had on the podcast. I think it might be. Quite exciting. As a kid, I think hot dog seems like one of the main foods as you grow up, less and less so.

I love the caramelized onions in it. It's not the sort of hot dog that Bob was talking about necessarily, but it reminds me of fireworks tonight. Yep. The caramelized onions on the hot dog. Definitely, as a kid, no way, didn't want it at all. Yeah. As an adult.

Yes, please. All about it. As much as possible. Yeah, yeah. Delicious. Yeah. Love it. Yeah.

Well, thank you, Bob, for coming into the Dream Restaurant. Thank you, Bob. Bob's book And Away is out on the 16th of September. Go and get it. Go and get it. Read every page. Read every word. Yes, yes.

Please. I'm on tour. Show's called Electric. That's in Feb 22, Ed Gamble.co.uk for tickets. Anything you want to plug, James? Yeah, yeah. I'd like to plug Electric, Ed Gamble. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Coming out soon. I should probably also say that I mentioned some tongue that I was sent, and that was from fine food specialists who do a range of all of that sort of stuff. They sent me a tongue, and they've got loads of other amazing stuff. I had a little perv on their website, and they've got some pretty incredible stuff on there.

Also, a little message to Bob Mortimer, if he's listening to this episode, you've just left a tenor in the room. This is one of the first ones we've done in person in some time, and Bob came in and he's gone home now, but he left £10 on the floor. It fell out of his pocket, I guess. Yes. So, Bob, if you want to collect this from the great Benito's offices, please come down. I'd imagine, though, Bob, it's probably not necessarily worth your while to travel here

to pick up the tenor again. It'll probably cost you more in travel to get here. But then, you know, when he travels here, you know what you can do? Pop a cube in his mouth. Pop a cube. Pop a custard cube. I think there's going to be lots of experiments for no-context-off menu to do. Yes, loads of experiments.

I mean, sometimes the no-context person actually does these things for real, the people conjure up with their minds. So, put in a boost and a baguette. Yes. I'd love to see it. Yeah. I'd love to see the custard cube. Yeah.

There's a few things there. I imagine he's going to be taking a photo of some ham in his pocket. Yeah. I imagine that's going to happen. That's going to happen as well. Also, very luckily, Bob didn't say Fisherman's Friends. Thank you for not saying Fisherman's Friends. Bob, really appreciate that, because otherwise we wouldn't have got to hear about the karmic

at the end. Yeah. We wouldn't have got to the end. Karmic. I really want a Scotch egg. I really want some fish fingers. I want a fish finger sandwich so bad. I'm going to try it.

I'm going to literally, as soon as we finish this, I'm going to Google fish finger sandwiches near me. I don't think that's ever been Googled before. Yeah. I think that's a first. That's a Google whack. Yeah. That's a Google whack.

Thank you, Dave Gorman. Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast. As always, we will see you next week. Keep munching. Stop crunching. Hello, I'm Lou Sanders, and if you've enjoyed this podcast, you might like my podcast, Cuddle Club. It's about cuddling.

Yes, but really it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions like who was your mum's favourite, and when we lost on faithful. Previous guests include Alan Davies, Ashtonine Bee, Katherine Mayan, Rich Dozman, Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar, and other legends. Get it on A-Cast, Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your all podcasts. And remember to Susie everybody in, if Susie stands for Cuddle Club. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked

her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing.

It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because look, we're too Northerners. Sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off, and that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen

to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glill's mum on, every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening, there's probably a backlog you've left it so late.

I'm not going to spoil it in case you don't want to hear it. I'm not going to spoil it in case you don't want to hear it. I'm not going to spoil it in case you don't want to hear it.