Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 120: Miriam Margolyes

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

We welcome an absolute national treasure to the dream restaurant this week – Bafta-winning actor, Miriam Margolyes OBE!Miriam Margolyes’s memoir ‘This Much Is True’ is published on 16 September. Buy it here.Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the stake of conversation, putting it through the mincer of humour, and reforming it into the patties of chat. Hello, James. Not bad stuff there. I didn't know where that was going, Ed, but I liked where it ended up. And with chat patties or chatties, as they're otherwise known. Yeah, chatties. Lovely chatties. That's what we do on this podcast. We have a bunch of chatties. We do. AKA, we're in the dream restaurant. We have a guest in, and they tell us their favourite ever starter,

main course, dessert, side dish, and drink. Not in that order. No. I'm normally not course, but I said course. This week, our guest is Miriam Margolies. Miriam Margolies, absolutely legendary actress, theatre film, stage, all of that sort of stuff, even though theatre and stage, probably the same sort of thing. Theatre and stage. Yeah, well, you know, who knows where the stage is. Yeah, it depends where the stage is, I suppose, but they're normally within theatres if you're doing acting. Normally, if you're a stage actor. It's in a theatre, but I reckon there will have been a few actors over time who performed on stages that are like, you know, pallets in the corners of the fields and stuff like

that. And they go around saying, I'm mainly, I'm a stage actor. Yeah. And they've known everyone will assume theatre, but actually, they've never been in a theatre in their life. And I think it's important to say theatre as well as stage. Yes. So maybe we'll ask Miriam if she's ever performed on a pallet in a field. Yeah, that can be one of the questions. Absolutely. I'm not against that. I definitely ask that. She was Professor Sprout, of course, as well, in the Harry Potter films. That's food-related. Yes. Will she choose Sprouts? Well, if she does choose Sprouts, that's fine by us, because that's not the secret ingredient this week, because every week we have a secret ingredient where, if our guest says them, we will kick

them out of the dream restaurant. And I really hope we don't have to do that to Miriam. But the secret ingredient this week is... Seaside. Seaside rock. Seaside rock. What is the point of seaside rock? I mean, when I was a kid, I used to go bananas for it, obviously. The Acaster family, we lived on seaside rock. Yes. You know, didn't even live on the seaside. No. We'd only go into the seaside because we wanted that sweet rock, and we could suck all the sugar out of it, and then the rock would go all porous and horrible, and then our teeth would match that as well. Did you ever have personalized rock with the Acaster family written through it or something? Look, we weren't reading that rock. We wouldn't have that rock long enough to eat it.

Yeah. Sorry. To read it. We had it long enough to eat it. That's all we did. Nash, nash, nash, nash, nash, all the way down the rock. You'd crunch it. You'd crunch, not suck. No, we'd suck it. But then as soon as it gets to enough that you could crunch it, then you'd crunch it. Yeah. I would nash it up. But then I remember a lesson in school, and the teacher was telling us about sugar levels in food, and what's the highest sugar level in anything. And she wrote on the board a stick of rock. Yeah. And now as an adult, I just can't go near a stick of rock. I can't eat. It just makes me think I'm just going to dissolve all of my teeth. Does your dad still eat sticks of rock? Yeah, absolutely. We had a breakfast. He has a bowl

full of sticks of rock. Pour some sugary milk all over it. It is kind of amazing the way they get the writing in, though. I find that amazing. I've probably plugged this on the podcast before, but there is a YouTube channel called Lofty Pursuits, which is a man who runs a sweet shop in America, and he shows you how he makes it, and he's got a very soothing voice. I highly recommend that. I do like watching Rock Be Made. I remember at school, again, watching like a video of the rock being made. Same lesson. Probably the same lesson. And I tell you what, before it's set, and whatever, and it comes out all just like big and fat and soft, I would love that directly into my mouth. I would love to just lay in front of a rock machine and let that pour into my mouth.

Delicious. It looks so good like that. And the secret ingredient of Seaside Rock was actually suggested by Gareth Edwards on Twitter. If you have a secret ingredient that you wish to suggest on Twitter, just tweet us at Off Menu Official on Twitter. Yeah, but you have to start the tweet with hey there, Mr. Bonito, got a secret ingredient for you. Yeah, it's hey there, Mr. Bonito, I've got a secret ingredient for you, oh, yes, how you say it. You dash, oh, right? You dash, oh, yes, exactly. Yeah. Hey, Mr. Bonito, I've got a secret ingredient for you, oh, and then put the secret ingredient. And then you're it's, yeah, and then the secret ingredient and tag Bleeddale. And then tag hashtag Bleeddale with as many ease or ease as you like. Yes, how many you've got left.

Yeah. Or if you, if you know the actual Bleeddale guy on Twitter, you could just at a minute as well. Yeah, yeah, do that. And then say what say you, Bleeddale? Yeah. That's Bleeddale, whatever his tag is. Yeah, what say you? What say you? What say you? Oh, Bleeddale, question mark. Yes. So I'm very much looking forward to hearing Miriam's menu. I hope she doesn't say Seaside Rock. She's got a book coming out, James, which is very exciting. Very excited about the bookhead. This much is true, it's called. Yes, it's a memoir. Finally, a Miriam Margolies memoir, the triple M. Yes. So we're looking forward to hearing about that. We're looking forward to hearing her food choices. We're just looking forward to meeting her. This

is the off menu menu of Miriam Margolies. Welcome Miriam Margolies to the dream restaurant. How lovely of you to ask me. I wish it wasn't just a dream. I wish you could because I'm really hungry. I didn't have breakfast this morning and I've asked my lodger to get me a cheese sandwich later because food is a very central part of my life, I'm afraid. No, don't be afraid. We're very glad to hear it. That's exactly what we want from... Okay, here we go. Welcome to the dream restaurant. Miriam Margolies, we're expecting you for some time. Now, I don't know if you saw, I mean, you probably saw by the intro, Miriam there. James is our genie waiter. He's a genie who's come out of a lamp to get you a dream order from wherever you want it. That was what that big explosion was.

Hello, Miriam. I wondered what had happened actually. Who's this lodger you're talking about? I want to know more about your lodger. Oh, she's so nice. She's quite new, very sensible, very nice. It's her first leaving her parents, although she's, I think she's 28 and single, by the way. She's very pretty. She's new here in this house. She's only been here about a week and I like her very much, so that's good. Was it part of the deal when she moved in that she had to go and get your cheese sandwich every day? Actually, it wasn't. That was a bit naughty of me to ask, but she was just going downstairs and I'm in isolation at the moment because I'm going to Scotland tonight to do a documentary with Alan coming about Scotland,

which is very exciting and we all have to be isolated so that when we meet, we know we're safe for each other so we can be our little bubble. So I had a PCR test on Sunday, yesterday, morning and I haven't seen or touched anyone since then and I mustn't. I've got to be completely virgin until I meet Alan, but I kept her out of the room because I've got to be properly isolating, you see. Nobody must come near me, so I'm afraid she'll have to hurl the cheese sandwich to me. She could post it underneath the door in all its different elements. She could go one bit of bread slice of cheese and then the other bit of bread and you could build it yourself. No, can't be separated, darling. Can't be separated. Let's talk about

cheese sandwiches quickly then. Is there a particular sort of cheese that you're looking for in a cheese sandwich? Have you asked for a specific sort of cheese? I didn't because she was in a hurry and I didn't want to be difficult, but in an ideal world, you cannot have cheese without onion and unfortunately, my onion's downstairs, because I'm in my study now, so I didn't bring my onion up with me, but I have to have an onion and ideally you would have thin slices of tomato, salt and pepper, brown bread and an onion and I bite an onion like an apple. Do you now? Yes, I do. I do quite genuinely. That is the way to eat an onion. I peel it, I do peel it. I make some concessions to the world outside. How often have you been

eating onions like apples, Miriam? Oh, my life. Mummy and daddy didn't do it, but I did. I just sort of, I thought it was quicker. I can't be bothered to slice. Slicing takes time and dexterity, neither of which I possess. But what if you're putting onion into a dish you're then cooking? Would you slice it or chop it then or would you bite off a chunk and put it into the pan? Oh, no. If you're cooking, you slice it, you don't bite and then put it into a dish, that would be horrid. But no, I like raw onion and if I have raw onion, I bite it. Lovely. If I'm cooking with it, then I cook with it. With the cheese sandwich, you're not eating an onion like an apple, eating a block of cheese,

just like as it is, eating a loaf of bread. You're not doing that. Where have you brought up, darling? You're eating an onion like an apple, you're the one eating an onion like an apple here. I'm just asking if maybe you just eat a loaf of bread like an apple, eat a block of cheese like an apple? Not at all. Not at all. About see a cheese sandwich, you know? But wouldn't that be quicker? Be quicker?

No, I think it would be quite difficult to eat a block of cheese. No, you slice cheese properly and I like mature cheddar or extra mature cheddar. I'm with you. And I think that is a perfect sandwich. Unfortunately, these supermarkets, they usually have a curious kind of bread, which is like lint or Kleenex or something. It's revolting. I like serious bread, you know, brown, heavy, with goodness in it. But it's very hard to get that. Before we get too much into bread, I'd like to talk about your book. This much is true

before we get into your menu because it's very exciting. Oh, yes, I didn't know you knew about it. Good, well. Yeah, we're very excited about it. Would you like to tell the listeners what to expect from the book? The book is called This Much is True and it is. It's all true. It's about my life and my parents and how I became who I am and the people I've slept with and the people I haven't slept with and some of the work I've done and the people who have mattered to me in my life and my love and how the world is according to Miriam.

Is it all the people you've slept with? Did I leave out any? I probably did leave out some because I haven't actually slept with that many, actually. I've sucked off a lot. I don't know why you're laughing. It was very serious. That's what Jewish girls do. That's what I have to explain. It's not that everybody sucks off, but every Jewish girl does. I'm telling you something you know, actually.

No, no, no, we don't. We weren't aware of that. That was part of the culture. What's the ratio to people you've sucked off to people you've slept with? You mean in numbers or size? Yeah, numbers. Let's do numbers first, Miriam, and then we can move on. Well, numbers, gosh. I should think about 30 to about 20, probably, something like that. I can't really remember everybody I've slept with. That's why I didn't name everybody because I thought if somebody was left out, they might be offended. Indeed, if somebody was left in, they might be offended. I just gave a general picture, but I hope we're not going to just

keep it below the waist because that's very boring. Oh, don't worry. We won't. We're going to move it above the waist, just to the stomach. We're going to pop just above to the stomach. Well, we are going to talk about things going in the mouth, but very much food. Are you a member of the Gamble family, the famous Procter and Gamble family? I wish I was a member of the Procter and Gamble family, Miriam. I'm not, unfortunately. I'm just a member of a Gamble family, sadly. If I was a member of the Procter and Gamble family, I wouldn't be doing podcasts or stand-up comedy. I'd just be rolling around in my money, I should

imagine. I hope you would be doing what you're doing because it's much better to branch out, and do your own thing. James, I'm a genealogist, so I'm fascinated by last name. Is your last name from the north? Do you know if it's...? Yes, it is. It means near a castle. Right. Where are you from, actually? Well, I'm from Kettering in Northamptonshire, a small market town, but my grandfather was from Newcastle. My ancestors are from the north of England. Johnny Good, I like Northerners.

Some of the genealogists, before we get into your menu, the painting behind you, is that someone who's related to you, the man who's sitting in his chair? That's Daddy. I commissioned that from a painter called Anne Christie, who's a good friend, and I think it's a wonderful painting. Daddy didn't like it. No? He said, oh, it makes me look so small. I don't like that. And I said, well, you are small, Daddy. And he was, you know, like me. I'm small, too. And then the other person behind is Queen Victoria, but you probably knew that. Is that...? Are you related to Queen Victoria down the line?

No, I'm not related to Queen Victoria. I admire her. I think she's a very impressive and complicated figure, actually. She was very sexy. She loved sex. She adored her husband. They had nine children, and no doubt many, many more populations, but she just adored him. I didn't know that about Queen Victoria. I didn't know she loved sex. She did. Read her diaries. They're very revealing and very charming, actually. She was a nice woman. Her diary's quite similar to this much's true. They're not quite like my diary. So, on this podcast we talk about food, Miriam. You've already said that food is a central part of your life. Has that always been the case? Moment for thought. That's it. Done. Well, food

is very important. I think you'll find in most Jewish families, I'm from a Jewish background, food is more than what it is in most places, because Jews are scared a lot of the time, because people want us dead or they want us out of their country or out of their business, out of their world. So, we have fortified ourselves over the years, over the centuries, with wonderful food. And so, the food that I do like best is not smart French food or even delicious Italian food, which I love, or even wonderful sumptuous Indian and Thai food. And I love all those. But if you were to ask me what is my favorite food, it's Eastern European Jewish food, because that's what I was brought up with, and it's delicious. I'm actually salivating thinking

about it. And it's not good for you. It's all very fattening and cholesterol forming and so on. But it's delicious. Let's start off, as we always do, with still or sparkling water, Miriam? Still water, with either cucumber in it or slices of lemon. I used to have sparkling, but it made me fart too much. And so, in the end, I decided not to. I mean, did you have some sparkling water this morning? No. Because you're our first fart on the podcast? It was. It was only a little one, but it came on its own, so to speak. To be fair, you might not be our first fart on the podcast. You're just the first person to ask

for a pause for a fart. Yeah. Well, I find I can't fart if I'm talking. I need a moment. Really? I need to concentrate. I know what you mean. I think I'm exactly the same. I need to focus all of my energy downwards to get rid of what I need to, and then I can start talking again. I'm the same. James? James, are you the same? I think I know. I can fart and talk at the same time, definitely. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes talking to mask the sound of my own fart because I'm full of shame. I can definitely talk and fart at the same time. Well, you're a clever lad. Thank you. Thank you so much. You are a clever lad. That's true. You said cucumber or lemon. Yeah. Never at the same time. No, I don't think you want to mix it.

No, no. Are you having a slice of lemon in there or are you having a whole lemon and occasionally picking it out of the glass and eating it like an apple? I just have a couple of slices, and I like to squeeze the slices with a spoon on the bottom so that the flavor percolates to the top of the glass. Lovely. That's great. Well, we can do that with a dream restaurant. We can bring you a spoon with your water so you can squeeze the slices at the top to percolate. No problem at all. How would you like the cucumber sliced? Because I like it. When there's cucumber in the glass, I like the longer the slice, the better. The more diagonal they go across the cucumber, so you get a real long slice of cucumber, and it kind of ribbons within the glass.

No, no. I don't like that at all. I just like two or three slices. I can't tell you why. I just know that is my preference. I like the ribbons of cucumber. You can have a long ribbons. We can have different things. The world is big enough for both of us, James. That is true. I just get excited when people choose cucumber because a lot of people come on this podcast, and they're very anti having things in their water. They don't want lemon, they don't want cucumber, they don't want mint or anything like that. I actually quite like cucumber in the water, and I go quite quiet when they're slugging it off because I'm scared of getting in a big old argument with them. I'm quite excited that someone's come on and chose

cucumbers, so now I get to talk about my love of the cucumber ribbons, you see. Well, I love cucumber. I think cucumber is an extraordinarily varied and clever vegetable, because it goes with everything. It goes with cheese, for example. If I couldn't get an onion, then I could have slices of cucumber. Cucumber sandwiches with cream cheese, absolutely delicious. And I've become very fond of gazpacho, which is a Spanish cold soup, quite highly flavored, and you can chop cucumber in little pieces and sprinkle it on the top again with onion, sliced, and parsley, and garlic. And I really do think that gazpacho has become almost my favorite soup, except for chicken soup with matzabals. Do you think anything will ever overtake

chicken soup with matzabals for you as your favorite soup? No, nothing. Pop it up with your bread. Pop it up with your bread, maybe a Margolies. Pop it up with your bread. Poppedoms are only for Indian food. You couldn't have poppedoms with Jewish food. It would be the wrong mix. What is the best Jewish bread? Well, for me, I don't like Jewish bread particularly. Most Jewish people love challah, which is the wiggly, curly bits of very brown at the top and very white inside bread. I don't like that. And I don't like particularly rye bread, which is another possibility. I like, as I said, serious bread, which would be a heavy sourdough or a brown, a good brown bread. That's what I like. But I don't think you need it if you have

matzabals, because matzabals are made with matzaflower, which is potato flour, and they're quite hard, round dumplings. Mummy used to make them with ground almonds, which was quite gorgeous. My rule is that I never make anything. I get people to make it for me. I'm not a cook, so anything has to be ordered in or brought in by friends. That's a very good rule. When did you set yourself that rule, Miriam? I think when I was born, probably. I think it was set down in the book from a very early age. I have never been a cook. I can cook some things, but I won't. I don't like cooking. I like other people to cook for me. Are there any other top Miriam rules that we need to know

about, your rules for life that you always stick to? Yes. I mean, generally speaking, tell the truth, never let the sun set on a quarrel, and never be fucked up the bum, because that's something that I have never done. I bet you can't say that. Now, when you asked us, when you said, I do hope this conversation isn't all below the waist, were you talking to us, Jim, in that bit, or were you talking to yourself? Because since then, Miriam, you've farted and said, don't fuck up the bum. The thing is, boys, that thoughts suddenly occur to me. They just pop into my head. You know that. You're stand-up comedian, so you know what that's like. It's the same with me. I must sit

down, comedian, I suppose. I want to be amusing, but I haven't made a living as you have doing that. It just popped into my head, and that's why I said it. Quite right. You always follow those instincts, I think, Miriam. I think you've always got to follow those instincts. I will, I will. So, we come to your dream starter now. Is it the mozzable soup? No, that's the soup course. The starter would be chopped liver. Very quickly, Miriam, we've never had anybody have a soup course on the podcast before, so I think you look absolutely shocked by that.

You look appalled. I'm astonished. I know you're telling me the truth, but I find it very hard to credit. I don't know any Jewish person who wouldn't immediately want chicken soup with mozzables, but anyway, the world's big enough for everybody. Well, you can have a soup course, absolutely. Yeah, of course, you can have a soup with mozzables, and then you want your chopped liver after that as your starter. No, I have the chopped liver first, and then I have the soup.

Ah, okay. The chopped liver has to be not over chopped. It's got to be a bit rough. I like a bit of rough with my liver. My mother used to do it brilliantly, and it is just a magic thing. It's not good for you, but I just love it. What type of liver is it? I don't think I've ever had chopped liver. Chicken liver, chicken liver, and it's gently fried with olive oil or schmaltz. Schmaltz is the fat that comes from a chicken, and salt and pepper. I mean, I don't know how to do it. I've never done it. I just eat it. I don't make it.

Yeah, that'd be breaking your rules. Do you spread that on something? Do you dip something into it? How would you eat the chopped liver? Well, usually you have sort of like cream crackers or, you know, sort of water biscuits or something like that. I like that very crisp thing that you get from Ikea. You know when you've been for a shop in Ikea, and then you go to the restaurant, and they have very good Swedish meatballs there, and they also have a big round

crisp bread wrapped in paper. I don't know what it's called, but it's absolutely delicious. It's like a very craggy rivita. Yeah, I know what you mean. If I go to Ikea, I'll always buy one of those on the way out from the little shop. I'll get those and some frozen meatballs. I think that's really the only reason to go to Ikea now, because it's just so exhausting. I used to love going there, but they made it too difficult, because you have to go in a certain way around the shop, and so I really just go for the crisp bread. So is your dream starter here? Is it the chicken livers with the craggy rivita from Ikea?

Thank you. That would be great. Perfect. Excuse me a second. I was going to come back. I apologize. Okay, well, we'll wait for James to get... See, this is why if James needs to fart, he has to go out of the room. How sweet that he has to go away. I think that's totally sweet. Is that you, Emily? Hi, darling. Just throw me the sandwich. Just throw it to me, because I can't let you... No, I know. Can you throw it onto my desk? It's all right. Very good. That's it. Oh, fuck. It's all right. Wait a minute.

I'm just going to get the sandwich. The sandwich has gone on the floor. You hit the desk, right? It was out. Oh, cheese and onion. How could it be more perfect? Oh, brilliant. How did you know? Thank you, darling. I'll pay you after. James, big, big update since you've been away. Emily's arrived back with the sandwich, and it's cheese and onion. Oh, wow. This is great for you, right? You must be delighted. You don't mind if I have a nibble. No, you go for it. You tuck in, Miriam. Shuck in. There it is. Yeah, good. Marks out of 10 for it. Oh, nine. And nine out of 10. What would it have to be to be a 10 out of 10 for you, Miriam?

Extra onion. An onion on the side to bite like an apple. Would you say you would prefer an onion and cheese sandwich than a cheese and onion sandwich? I don't know how to answer that. Interesting question. You look very... But you take this seriously, and I appreciate that. No, I still think that onion has to be the accompaniment. Yeah. But thanks for asking, because it really made me think. It did. I was glad about that. Very glad. I tell you, you are really enjoying that sandwich. Yeah, it's inspiring, to be honest. It looks really tasty. It is tasty.

Now, Miriam, if you don't mind me asking about this chopped liver, are you having it cooked by anyone in particular, or is there a restaurant that does chop liver that you would go and get it from? I think there's a restaurant in St John's Wood called Panzers, and I think that's where I've had it, and it was good. Great. So we're going to Panzers for the chopped liver, Ikea for the craggy ryevita, and then you're having them both together. Yeah. Dreamstar. Fantastic. And then...

It's the soup course, which is the mozzable chicken soup. I'll try it. I've had chicken soup with mozzables before, and if I'm right in remembering the soup, it's almost like a consomme, isn't it? It's quite clear soup. Well, some people do it like that. I don't like it like that. Okay. I like it with carrots, celery, onion, and a lot of that, and then the mozzables. So you don't want the consomme there. You want as much stuff in there. You like a lot of... Consomme is hardly worth the effort.

Yeah, it's with salty water, I suppose. It's got to be proper chicken soup. And big bits of chicken. Like, is it chicken breast, or is it like dark meat? Well, I don't need big bits of chicken, but I tell you what, I like the neck. Really? The neck is great. Daddy liked the feet. I never liked the feet so much. Did daddy like the feet because he could put them on the bottom of his own feet and make himself a bit taller? I don't think that was the reason. No, okay. Another bit I like is I like the heart, and I like what we call the pupuch.

The pupuch is the bit that carries the food in it, I think. It's a food bag. You have to take out the rubbish when you clean the chicken, and you're left with the pupuch. So the pupuch is, what, like a stomach? Yeah. And it's got the chicken's dinner in it. But it's absolutely delicious. I don't know why, but absolutely delicious. We never had anyone come on the podcast and say they like the pupuch before. So basically, if you wanted to buy some chicken, you could just go and

wait outside the back of the butchers and wait for the stuff they were throwing out, right? They probably do throw it out, but not the kosher ones. The kosher butcher wouldn't. The neck, the pupuch, and the heart. And the heart. These are things that we often have on each episode of this podcast, Miriam. We have a secret ingredient, which is something that either we don't like, or the listeners don't like, and that if the guest says it, they get kicked out of the dream restaurant. And I would say all the things you've just mentioned there, in other episodes,

they've been secret ingredients that would get you kicked out. They are a quiet taste, I think, safe to say. I promise you, if you had a pupuch in a bowl of soup, you would love it, and especially the neck, because the neck has got lots of little bits of flesh in it that have to be teased out by the tongue, and it's delicious. I think what's putting me off the pupuch is the name pupuch, maybe, just because, you know, it sounds like poo poo, right? No, I never thought of that.

That might be the crossover of the derivation of the words, maybe. I don't know, it's a Yiddish word. It means the very centre. Sometimes, Mummy would say to me, I feel it in my pupuch, so I feel it right inside me. Yes. Well, we're trying to be very well behaved now, by the response to that. All yourselves together, boys. You know fully well what you've done there, by saying I feel it in my pupuch, and you sat down and ate the other half of your juice sandwich, and you looked at us like, go on, do something with that then.

Go on, have fun with that, I feel it right in my pupuch. The main course, Miriam, unless there's another course we don't know about, after the soup course. No, I'm very unsure about this, actually. I love fried place. That's what Mummy always used to do, and she was really splendid at it. Fried place with olive oil and then mozza meal, which makes her very fine batter. Yeah, I think that's what I'd like.

I was going to say roast chicken, but these days, chicken doesn't taste the way it used. It just doesn't. Ah, well, let's hear why. I mean, you've already got quite a lot of chicken on the menu. You've had it, you know, in the soup, the livers. You've had all the bits of the chicken apart from the bits that are tradition, like the breast or leg or thigh or anything. You could get your entire meal out of one chicken at this point.

I am passionately against battery hens. I just think it's a very cruel way of rearing a bird, and so I've sort of stopped eating chicken. So I like fish. I like fried fish. There's a shop in Mitchum, a fish and chip shop called Mitchum Place, spelled P-L-A-I-C-E, like the fish, and they just do fantastic fried fish. I love it.

So I would go there. Is place a different flavor to other fish? Because I think I've maybe had place a couple of times in my life. It's a very big, flat one, right? Yeah. Yeah. What is it about place that you love that makes it better than all the other fish? Well, I think it's the taste.

I like the taste. I like the texture. It tastes very fresh and clean, and I like it filleted when it's fried. And you would like it from Mitchum Place, not the one that your mother used to make? Well, Mummy's dead, so she can't do it. Well, I mean, as a genie, I can get you food from wherever, whatever time in your life, so I can go.

Oh, well, then I obviously want Mummy's. Okay, I absolutely do that for you, for your dream meal. And then I'd like roast potatoes. Yes. And frozen peas, small ones. Small frozen peas. Braised celery, and braised carrots. Now, I think you're our first guest who has specified having something braised.

Yes. Maybe I'm wrong. No, I think you're correct, James. I think certainly within the realms of celery. We've never had braised celery as a side dish before. Oh, it's wonderful. I don't think I know what braising is. Well, I think it means frying in the oven.

I mean, you put it in a Pyrex dish with a bit of olive oil. You don't. Someone else does. Someone else does. Somebody else does. And then you cook it, and it's absolutely delicious. I like celery. I used to hate it. I love it.

I think celery gets a bad reputation. Is that fair to say, Miriam? No, I don't think it gets a bad reputation. I think it is universally admired, I would say. Really? We get a lot of people hating on celery on this podcast. A lot of listeners really hate celery. Well, what sort of people do you have, darling?

Because, I mean, everybody I know loves celery. My favorite restaurant in London is called Brasserie Zadel. And it's opposite the Piccadilly Theatre in Sherwood Street. And it used to be the ballroom of a hotel that used to be there. And it's just excellent. And they do a celery remoulade, which is absolutely gorgeous. And I don't know how they do it, but it's delicious. They do carrot frappe or rappé, perhaps.

Yeah, rappé and celery remoulade, because they're French. And it's just wonderful. But anyway, I like it braised with place. And that would be enough for my main course. So was that included in your side dishes? They are my side dishes. Carrots, peas and celery. Peas and celery.

And potatoes. Really happy to hear Brasserie Zadel get a shout out, actually, because we've been doing this podcast for a long time. It hasn't received a shout out before, I don't think. And it is one of those places where I really love just being in there because it used to be a ballroom. It just looks amazing wherever you're sitting in the room. It's fabulous.

The service is very, very good. It's a gorgeous ambiance. And they give a 10% discount for equity members. So it's even more attractive. Now we get to the reason. It took a while there, Miriam. That's not the reason. I wouldn't go if I didn't think it was lovely.

Yes. I've done a gig in there before in one of their rooms. They've got... Yes, the Crazy Cock. That's it. Crazy Cock. Yes, they do a very good cabaret in the evenings there. It's nice.

Have you been to the Crazy Cock? Yes. Yes, so many times. Who's the best act you've seen there? Well, my cousin Annabelle. She was the best. Annabelle Leventon. She was wonderful.

We haven't had... Then after that, there's got to be a green salad. Oh, there's a salad course. Why does there have to be a green salad? Well, you've got to have salad. I mean, you just have to. What's in the salad? Yeah, what's in the salad.

And also, when you say you've got to have salad, Miriam, is that as a palate thing, or are you feeling like you need to eat something green to make yourself feel like you're being healthy? I think it's both. I think it is good for you, but it's also gorgeous. I love lettuce. What I like is a mixture of romaine and endive,

white endive. I love that. And a bit of rocket. Why not? Why not? Why not? Delicious. Pepper it up with a rocket.

Delicious stuff. You got a dressing involved? Yes, I like a French dressing on the side, olive oil, cider vinegar, a bit of mustard, a bit of salt and pepper, and lots of garlic.

That's something I do make myself. Oh, wow. So that's the exception to the rule, the green salad? Exception to the rule. Is there exception to the other rules in your life? No, but I'll make them if necessary. Yes. I think you have to be ready to adapt.

Yeah, I mean, obviously. Do you? Yes, James? Well, look, the situation I'm in right now is that I don't want to be rude. I don't want to upset anyone or anything like that. But I also don't want to leave this podcast having not asked Miriam Margolies,

who's the one person she let fuck her up the bum? There isn't a man alive or a woman alive that I would allow to enter my anus. So there's no, none of those are a green salad. There's no green salad people out there who are the one exception to your rule. It doesn't come into it, as they say. Yeah.

Yeah, it's not a palette cleanser, is it? The opposite. Quite the opposite. Can we ask what your dream drink would be? I don't drink. Maybe a soft drink? Well, definitely not elderflower. As soon as, and people say the word elderflower, I go,

can't stand that. Why do you hate it? Because it just tastes so god awful. Some people love elderflower, though. I know, I know, but some people vote Tory. What can you do? Do you think people assume you would like elderflower? I think they do.

I think that there is that kind of watery flavour about me that they maybe think so. I tell you one drink I do like, and that is a Bloody Mary without the vodka. Virgin Mary. A virgin, that's it. A Virgin Mary, no ice, plenty of Worcester, slice of lemon, bit of celery sticking out.

Oh, gorgeous. It's essentially a glass of gazpacho, isn't it, really? Yes, there are similarities. Celery is making another appearance. I would love one of those. I drank a lot of Bloody Mary's on my last tour, because we had it as a little rule that if it was on the menu, you would order it.

But that Virgin Mary sounds delicious right now. I think that's a very good choice. More people should have it. I mean, it really astonishes me sometimes. I go to a pub or somewhere and they don't have tomato juice. And you think, where have these people been? It's just boggling to me. We move on to your dessert.

And then for my sweet. You're very excited to reveal your pudding, which is good news for James. He loves pudding, so you can tell that you're a pudding fan. I love them. And I love that. Also, sometimes we go to the dessert course,

and I'm worried they're going to choose cheese and biscuits, and it makes me so angry. But the fact that you're referring to it as your sweet lets me know I'm in good hands. No, the cheese and biscuits comes after the sweet. Yes, I agree. Of course, that's another extra course, of course. I agree.

Oh, I'm sorry about that. There's an alarm gone off. That's OK. I don't know where it is. We could crack the case with you. We could turn this into a detective podcast and follow you to find where the alarm, what's happened with the alarm.

Oh, I'm not bothered. I think people would like that. Have you considered doing that? If you did a podcast, Miriam, which was you cracking a different case every week, and you being a detective, I think people would listen to that in drives. I did a podcast.

I've done a podcast. It was called Growing Old Disgracefully. And it was about six different people who are well up there in age, who are doing extraordinary things. It was very interesting. I enjoyed it. Anyway, back to pudding.

I live in South London. I live in Clapham. And there is an ice cream parlor on Clapham Common called Narduli. And they make the best ice cream I've ever tasted. And I like the coffee ice cream and the chocolate ice cream. They make a whole plethora of different flavors. But those are my favorite.

So I would like a mixture of coffee and chocolate ice cream from Narduli. And how would you like that in the tub, Miriam? Or do you want that in a cone? Well, I like it in a pantechnicum, ideally. But... Oh, what? A lorry. But...

We can do that. Look, this is the dream restaurant, Miriam. If you want us to load up a lorry and sort of reverse it back into the restaurant, you're very welcome. They do very large cartons, really large, about that big. And they're fabulous. That's what I like.

And I don't like anything with it. I don't want any juice or anything that you pour over it. I just like it as it is. Juice. I don't think I've ever seen people pour juice over their ice cream. Well, sometimes they have chocolate sauce and things like that.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I know what you mean. But... Wake up, Jules. Um... Wake up, mate. He said juice.

I knew what Miriam meant. She meant chocolate syrup. I meant... I should have said sauce. I should have. Ed would have asked that question if I hadn't asked it. He can pretend now. No, I knew you meant sauce, Miriam. But Ed would have said,

well, what do you mean by juice on the ice cream? I saw your face. James, wake up, mate. We're talking about waking up. You've chosen coffee ice cream. Now, again, this is something that a lot... I really apologise on behalf of our listeners, actually, Miriam, because I think they're going to annoy you again now.

But they would say thumbs down to coffee ice cream. They wouldn't like the coffee ice cream. A lot of people avoid coffee ice cream. It's not necessarily the most popular flavours. Why do you love it so much? Why do you love coffee ice cream? Because it's so delicious. Yes.

Well, I don't know who your customers are, darling, but, I mean, if they don't like coffee ice cream, they're just silly. It's just silly not to like it. It's absolutely moorish and delicious, especially from Narduli on the pavement Clap and Common. Which I'm definitely going to go there now. Ice cream is my favourite food.

I get to go over there, go to the pavement. You'll love it. I promise you. And you tell them I sent you. I will. And there's a very good Thai restaurant. I love Thai food. There's a very good Thai restaurant.

Called Cher Thai, C-H-E-R, 22 North Street, Clapham. Just a small place, husband and wife. Oh, the food's delicious. Delicious. Surely you've come across people in your life who don't like the coffee ice cream. Have you never had anyone say to you, oh, I hate coffee ice cream.

Merriam, what the hell? People say that stuff. I like it. No, not me. They say it until I give it to them. Ah, so are you saying this coffee ice cream from this place, Narduli, this can turn even the most ardent hater of coffee ice cream?

I am saying exactly that. That's a challenge, James. James, do you like coffee ice cream? I'm on the fence about it. It's not my go-to, but then every now and again, when I do have it, it is a nice little, it's a nice change and a nice different thing to have. So like, I don't have it very often,

but every now and again when I'm in the mood for it, it's quite fun. And with chocolate, I agree. That's the combo that I'd go for as well. Maybe if they had a dark chocolate ice cream on the menu, I'd want the dark chocolate ice cream with the coffee one. It is. That is what it is.

It is dark chocolate. And it is absolutely wonderful. God, I want it now. I've only got vanilla in my fridge because I finished all the others. Sounds like you're going to send someone a certain somebody, a certain lodger. No, not now.

Not now. Emily, I'll have to come and throw you a tub of ice cream and it'll bounce off the desk and land on the floor again. I can't do that. I can't do that. Oh, did it bounce off the desk and land on the floor? The cheese sandwich and I missed it. Yeah, you were in the toilet, James, unfortunately.

You were away farting, James. I was farting. I told Miriam you had to go to the other room to do a fart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just farted my brains out and then came back in here. And I'd missed the sandwich bouncing off the desk and landed on the floor. Miriam, these big tubs, how quickly would you say

you're getting through a big tub of ice cream? Well, I don't eat them on my own. I always have them if I've got chums coming over. So I would say I go through, you know, one a week, probably. Now, before I read you your menu back, which is how the podcast always ends, I love the use of the word chums just then. It's good to hear it.

I would love to know who your top three chums are. Well, my top three chums are probably Carol McCready, Liz Hodgkin, and Annabelle Leventon, all girls. Annabelle Leventon, who you saw do the performance. Yeah, yeah. She's a very special chum, yeah. James has gone to fart again, I think. I don't know what's happened here.

It's getting into my phone because that's got the menu on it. Oh, right. But it was over the other side of the room, so I had to get it. I didn't fart again. Did you have a little fart as well? No. Be honest. Be honest.

Yeah, I did, actually. I shit myself. Yes. Mary, I'm going to read you your menu back, see how you feel about it. Water, you would like still water with cucumber or lemon in it. Poppins or bread, you want serious bread. You're very clear of serious bread,

either a heavy sourdough or brown bread. Your starter, you would like chopped liver from panzers with Ikea round crispy bread. Soup, chicken soup with mutton balls. You didn't put in carrot, celery, and onion into the soup as well. Carrot, celery, and onion in that soup. And the chicken soup has chicken neck.

It has the heart, and it has, remind me again. The pupuk. The pupuk. The main course, mummy's fried place with olive oil and matzo meal. Side dish, roast potatoes, small frozen peas, braised celery, and braised carrots. Then the salad course, green salad with romaine lettuce, endives and dives, never been sure,

and rock it with a French dressing on the side, made by your own fair hand, exception to the rule. Drink a virgin Mary, no ice, plenty of Worcester sauce, size of lemon and celery, and a dessert with like the coffee and chocolate ice cream from Nardoulis. In Clapham on the Pavement. Fantastic. How does that sound?

That sounds pretty delicious. It's wonderful. It's what I would dream of. Perfect for the dream restaurant. Miriam Margolies, thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant and coming on the off menu podcast. It's been such a pleasure to have you. I have enjoyed talking to you boys. Thank you for having me.

It's been an honour, Miriam. Thank you. Well, there we are. What a menu, James, and what a chat. I loved it. Yeah. I loved, I mean, you know, so many unexpected choices on the menu. Unexpected courses.

So many unexpected things in general, I'd say. Unexpected things getting said to us that we weren't expected to hear from Miriam Margolies. Courses that we weren't aware of, a soup course, a salad course. You know, things that I think have been secret ingredients in the past, but all in one menu. I don't think any menu has ever contained so many potential secret ingredients. Yeah.

Bit annoyed that we never actually got to the cheese. She said she would have the cheese after dessert, and then it never happened. True. We've got to assume it did happen, though. But I'd love to try some chopped liver. That's on my list of things to try. Right.

You would like to try that? Yes. Not me? No. Not me. I'm going to try the coffee ice cream, though, from that specific place. I'm going to go there, and I'm going to do Miriam's order. Yes, okay, that's a good plan.

What, the big tub of chocolate and coffee? Yeah, just one tub of each. Yeah. Then I'm going to sit and clap in common, and eat them both. Yeah. Are you going to invite any chums over? I might invite my top three chums. Yeah, why not?

Yes. You, Bonito, and Bleesdale. Yes. Okay. Oh, man. You'd better not say that. Bleesdale would be over in a shot. Yeah, well, that would be a fun little crew.

Yeah. You, me, Bonito, and Bleesdale, and the guy who does the no-context Twitter account. Yeah. Hanging out together in the park. Sounds good. Right, I'll plug my tour quickly. I keep forgetting to do it in the intro, which would be helpful, wouldn't it? My tour is called Electric.

It starts in February 2022. Starts in Leicester, finishes in Oxford, and there's about 50 or so dates in between. Come and see me, edgambel.co.uk for tickets. It's going to be electric. Oh, also you can get Miriam's book. This much is true. Yes. That comes out tomorrow if you're listening to this on the day of release.

September 16th, Miriam's memoir. This much is true. Go get it. I think she's teed it up perfectly in this interview. I think you'll all be rushing to the shelves to get it. And she didn't say a stick of rock, even though she said loads of other things that were secret ingredients in the past. She didn't say a stick of rock.

Also, shout out to whatever the rock shop was in the Lake District when we went there for a holiday once when I was a kid. Because that rock shop, I couldn't stop thinking about it as a kid. Kettle and ask if we could go back, probably meant that I just would never get to go back and ganks my parents and like it if I asked repeatedly to do something. I don't think it counts as a shout out if you don't remember the name of it. Shout out to it. If people could help me, I think maybe it was in Kendall.

I think asking for a rock shop in the Lake District. Yes. I bet there's a few. And if Miriam had chose that stick of rock from the Kendall rock shop, we wouldn't have kicked her out of the Dream Restaurant because it wasn't Seaside Rock. Ah, good point. She would have found a loophole. Always like to find the loopholes when we don't need them.

And also, we've got to say a big thank you to the people at Ooni James, Ooni Pizza Ovens, who sent us a pizza oven each. We cannot say thank you enough. It was so generous, you know, during these times to be able to go out into, go outside, cook ourselves a pizza. Are you kidding me? I mean, I feel spoiled. And you know what?

That's because I am. Yes, me too. I can't wait to use it. I'm using, I'm going wood-fired, although the one they've sent me can also be, you can use gas on it, but I'm a wood-fired boy at heart. Crank that bad boy up. So, super hot temperatures. Make the dough.

Get it going. Cooks in like a minute. I can't wait, James. Now, I don't know as much about making pizza as Ed does. So, but rest assured, I'm going to set it up. I'm going to get it hot. I'm going to sort of see what I can burn inside of it. There's chunks of it in there.

Yeah, good. That's, that's the way to cook. Also, a massive thank you to the guys at Hawksmore, James, who made frequent appearances on my menu on episode 100. And to say thank you, they sent us over a box of delights. Now, you know, I've heard you talk about Hawksmore a lot. I've never been myself. They're on your dream menu.

Yes. They were very kind to send me this cook at home kit. And I texted you probably after every single chew that I had, because it was so delicious. I read the pork ribs. I sat here and just watched TV on this, in this very seat, eating pork ribs. And I was ecstatic.

And I've still got the big old steak that they sent us to go. I'm really excited for that. I made the steak yesterday on the barbecue. And it was a porterhouse. So it's big T-bone steak. It had like, it's got fillet on one side, sirloin on the other. I'm going to go back to Hawksmore soon, because they're very good at cooking it.

I think it came out pretty well, but the fillet got a bit annihilated. And I put a picture of it up on Instagram. We've got a lot of messages saying I should invite Greg Davis over. Oh, man. The sirloin was beautiful, but the fillet in the middle was like a perfect sort of medium rare, I'd say.

Maybe knocking on to medium, but then the outside, because I did it super hot on the barbecue, it's more difficult to control, but it was absolutely delicious. The chips that you do in the oven are just so good. Yeah, very nice. So good.

I really loved the chips. And I loved the red cabbage coleslaw. Like the pickled red cabbage, which has fennel in it. And I don't normally don't like fennel. Oh, well, that Hawksmore, if you're listening, that's the best compliment you could ever receive.

Yeah, I liked it. So Dynamo was right. Call me fennel. James, thank you very much. You're welcome. Another fun episode of Off Menu, and there'll be another one next week, I should imagine. There'll be another one next week.

Listen, we're going to keep cranking them out. Bonito, Gamble, A-Caster, Bleasdale, and no context board. Hello, it's Harry Hill here, and I'm recording this trailer for my new podcast, Harry Hill's Noise. Basically, it's a half hour of ambient sound, and then at some point during the podcast,

I make a noise. Now, when you're listening to it, you'll forget that I'm about to make a noise, and you'll get lulled into it, and then I'll make the noise, and it'll be really funny. I mean, it doesn't sound like a regular podcast, does it?

But believe me, you're going to really love it. So why don't you subscribe now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and A-Cast. It's called Harry Hill's Noise, and it's coming soon. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode

of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case... Get him on, James and Ed.

But we're here sneaking into your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny.

Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off, and that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glittle's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian?

It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.