Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 122: Meera Syal

Episode Date: September 29, 2021

Goodness gracious me, it’s another national treasure in the dream restaurant. Actor-writer Meera Syal joins the Off Menu boys to order her perfect meal.Meera Syal stars in Sky Original ‘Code 404��, series 2. All episodes available now on Sky Comedy and NOW.Follow Meera on Twitter @meerasyalRecorded by Ben Williams and edited by Naomi Parnell for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, where we take rock-solid frozen cold chats, put them in the microwave of humour for five seconds, and get a perfect scoop of conversation. That was good, man. I just think it, I think you've done a microwave one before, but there may be not, maybe... I don't think I have. I think Glutton utilises the microwave sound effect for the episodes.

I've not done the microwave one. I've definitely not done... Yeah, yeah. Alright, mate. Don't show if you've listened to another one. Three now. I've not used... I don't think I've used the microwave before. Certainly not within the rock-solid hard conversation, because what I'm saying is sometimes conversations can be hard, but we use our microwaves of humour, and we soften our guest, and then get a big old scoop of conversation out of them. And I think that's actually one of the best ones I've ever done.

Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I was just trying to think, like, what you... I don't know if I'd put something in the microwave, and then afterwards it would be scooper-able, like a scoop... No, no, no, no, no. Then you only put it in for five seconds, right? Ice cream. Yeah. Yeah, okay, that's fair enough. I like a soft ice cream, more than a rock-hard one. Do you?

Yeah. But you wouldn't put it in the microwave? Yeah, I would put it in the microwave. Yeah, I would. Alright. But you just said you wouldn't. I would. I'll relate to it 100%. Right. Okay. Thank you. James A. Castahere. Ed Gamble here.

The Off Menu Boys. We're welcoming you to the Dream Restaurant, along with a special guest. And we're going to ask them their favourite ever start, a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our special guest is... Mirror Sayal! Mirror Sayal, a wonderful writer, comedian, performer, broadcaster. Oh, National Treasure. National Treasure. We've had a lot of National Treasures on recently.

We've had quite a few National Treasures. We'd better buy ourselves a National Treasure Chest. You know what I mean? Yeah. Keep all these National Treasures in it. Put them all in there, but give them plenty of room to stretch their legs. Because they deserve it. They deserve a first-class chest experience. Yeah, absolutely. First-class chest experience. Yes.

Mirror Sayal was amazing. She's a hero of ours. We've been very excited to have her on the podcast. Yeah. But if Mirror Choose is a secret ingredient, a ingredient that... Well, normally, traditionally, it's an ingredient that we don't like. Then we will kick her out of the Dream Restaurant. This week, it's a little tippler cap to one of our favorite Goodness Gracious Me sketches. So this week, the secret ingredient is an English. English.

If she picks an English, she'll be removed from the restaurant. Yes. No going out for an English, please, Mirror. Otherwise, we'll have to kick you out. But, you know, the silver lining is we would get to discuss that sketch, which would be fun, wouldn't it? I... Those two students of comedy. They were actually a student. We didn't do this, but I always wanted to pretend that

I didn't know the point of going for an English and perform a sketch where we took going for an English and flipped it round. No one would let me do it, which is really sad. Yeah. I mean, it sounds good. I mean, who was in your sketch group again? Nish. Nish? Yeah. Nish Tom Neenan. Yeah, Nish Tom Neenan, Pete Riley, Annie Yaddy, Katie Barker. The Durham Review.

The Durham Review. Classic stuff from some classic guys. Yeah, I never got to see the Durham Review when you guys were all in it. Heard a lot of the sketches described by you a lot and definitely sounds like I would find it hilarious, providing I knew you at the time. That was very much the vibe. We do runs in Edinburgh and the shows that went down the best are the ones where all the people from Durham came. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Because they're like, oh, great. These guys have deliberately made this sketch. I know these guys. Rubbish. Yeah. They're very active. That was a good one. Yeah.

Yeah. With a bad name, I'd imagine. All of your names, I remember hearing about Nish playing the Scottish person in an Edinburgh sketch and calling himself, was it Haggis McNish? Haggis McNish. That wasn't in the Durham Review. That was when we did a stand-up show and Nish would do his set and then I'd say, we want to make this stand-up show a little bit different.

So we're going to send Nish out into Edinburgh and he's going to buy a disguise and he's going to try and come back in here in disguise and he'd go out and then he'd come back in 10 minutes later with like a ginger wig on one of those tourist hats and pretend to be a man called Haggis McNish and I'd pretend that I'd fallen for it. Imagine going to see that. It was brilliant. He does similar stuff now, I've heard. Yeah.

He does. Yeah. He doesn't stray far from that. Would you probably start the episode? Yes, please. I'm very much looking forward to having Mira in the dream restaurant. So hopefully she doesn't pick an English. Yes.

She's not, but also, I hope that we get to track to her about Code 404. New series of that is out on Sky Comedy. So I'm very excited. Hopefully we can dig into that and talk about it. She's fantastic in it. She plays a right-rotter. She does play a right-rotter, but hopefully she's not the right-rotter in real life. Fingers crossed.

This is the off-menu menu of Mira's Out. Welcome, Mira, to the dream restaurant. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. It's very posh. Welcome, Mira, Si, out of the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Here we go.

Less posh now, unfortunately, after the arrival of the catering genie. Spoiling the atmosphere. Thanks for dressing up. Yes, mate. Thank you. Yes. A pleasure. Can you explain to the listeners what I'm wearing?

Yes. Because everyone sees the genie differently. Imagine the genie in different clothes. To you, what does your genie look like at this particular meal? James is a genie in this. We should have explained that. It's quite a high concept at the beginning, but don't worry. It won't come up again.

It is, isn't it? Yes. Oh, my gosh. I would like you to be dressed in a very smart Neru jacket and billowy trousers, but not the curly shoes, because I think that's going a bit far. It's a bit cliched. No problem. I now understand that you said billowy trousers there.

Initially, I thought you said billowy trousers, and I thought, what other type of trousers are there? There are up-y trousers, also known as a wedgie, I mean, tape-ic. Whenever I wear a Neru collar, Nish Kumar tells me that I'm ripping him off, though. If you put me in that, I've got one top that has that kind of collar, and every time I wear it, Nish gets angry and says I'm stealing his thing, and it's his thing. So if you do put me in that top, I'm going to be in trouble with him. You are.

You're going to be accused of cultural reappropriation. Maybe, yes. You can't win, really. Then it's an Iron Maiden t-shirt, then. I'm going to stick to your culture, mate, that's what I say. Is that? I mean, that was amazing in the moment, was an Iron Maiden t-shirt the whitest thing you could think of?

Yes. Yes. I think you nailed it. I think you absolutely got it. T-shirts are bound. I love Iron Maiden, just for the record. It does love Iron Maiden. I do love Iron Maiden.

Do you love a bit of heavy metal? I do. I just recently watched the story of Anvil. Wow. It's great, isn't it? And you keep thinking, is it a spoof? But it's not. No, they're very real people, and for a while, that band got quite good slots on festivals

because of that film, and now I assume they're just back to where they started in the film again. And look at the commitment. It's heartbreaking and also magnificent. I mean, it's just great, great documentary. It's how James feels as a genie sometimes, isn't it, James? Yeah. I'm committed to it.

I try really hard, and still some people fail to recognise me as a genie. Sad life, actually. Do you hang out in a lamp? Yeah. Yeah, I do hang out in a lamp. You do? Yeah. I burst out the lamp at the beginning of the podcast.

You probably weren't looking, but I was in a lamp, and then I burst out of it. And then you burst out. Yeah. Yeah. So you missed that. But I was inside a lamp originally. Then he had to go back in the lamp very quickly and change his Neru collar for an Iron Maiden T-shirt.

Yes. Very quickly. Suits you, sir. Thank you very much. Mira, would you consider yourself a foodie at all? Totally. Gosh, yeah. I love food.

Love it. Love it too much. Just mainly have overeaten through most of my life just because, you know, there's so much to sample and taste. But I'm not, I can't say I'm an expert on fine dining, actually. I haven't been to a lot of the, you know, the tick list restaurants you're meant to go to. But I do love sampling other people's home cooking.

I do love that. Who are some of the best cooks you know, your friends who are like the top, the top ones? Who, if you get an invite them out of their house, you're like, oh, Matt. Oh, well, it has to be writer Tanika Gupta, who's one of my dear friends and lives up the road, luckily for me. She brings me doggie bags. But honestly, everything she cooks, whether it's, you know, a curry from scratch or an amazing cake, she does it.

It's that effortless way that I really, she sort of ambles around the kitchen talking to you and cracking jokes and all of a sudden there's this amazing meal that she seems to have rustled up from half an onion and a bag of lentils and you go, I don't know how you did that. The effortless thing is always amazing to me because when I, when I cook something, if I'm really going for it, you know, there's going to be absolute anger and hatred poured into that meal. Every single last mouthful of that is going to be fueled by my just rage.

That's how I cook. How are you, Mary? When you cook, are you, are you an angry cook? Are you a chilled cook somewhere in the middle? I think I'm quite a chilled cook because I cook a lot. I cook pretty much every night. We probably have a takeaway a week and because my mom lives with us, I often end up cooking Indian food because that's what she likes best.

And now I've got it down to a fine art, but I find cooking meditative, actually, and particularly baking. I don't know. When I want to learn my lines, I bake a cake because I find that if I've got the lines sitting there, but I'm actually doing something else with another part of my brain, it goes in better. And I can't tell you why, but it seems to. The good tip.

That's great. I find it impossible. I mean, Ed and I have auditions, right, Ed? We don't get the parts. No. But we do a lot of auditions. So we were familiar with trying to learn lines. It's good to practice though, Mary, you know, it's just good to practice.

Keep practicing for, you know, I'd say 15 years. One day the right audition will come along and I'll mess that up. I can't believe you have to audition. That's shocking. Just be asking you. Well, we're very bad actors, so that's the main reason. Is that why? Yes.

Yes. Very poor actors. Very poor actors. Auditioning is just a pain at the moment, though, because it's all on Zoom and, you know, so much is about have you got the right equipment to know you lit nicely. Generally that's a no on both counts because you've frazzled and you've got loads of lines to learn. And then sometimes your teenage son or your mother reading in the other lines.

And the worst thing is actually what you can't do in a Zoom audition, and I know we've had to do that because of the times we live in, is that you can only do one take on the part you're going up for. What you can't show the other people looking at you is that I could actually do this take five different ways had I been in the room with the director. Yeah. But I've got to make a decision now about the role. And if it's the wrong one, if it's not how you saw it, then it's gone already.

And that's a bit frustrating, I think. Yeah. You've baked a whole cake for that one thing. And I've baked a whole bloody cake. Yeah. I do get the cake at the end, though, which is some concentration. That's true. Every time we have a Seyal audition, she's always got crumbs around her mouth, you know?

Her face is covered in crumbs and buttercream. Have you noticed that? It's just a choice she makes for the role, I guess. I'm not sure. One day, the perfect part of a baker is going to come along, Mira, and you're going to smash that audition. I'm so waiting. I'm so waiting to be asked to go on, you know, celebrity bake-off thingy, whatever it

is, just because I actually like baking. Oh, steer clear. Is it too much, Hazel? It's a waking nightmare. Steer clear a little bit. They stitch you up. What I'm going to say, Mira, is James's experience on celebrity bake-off is not the experience I'd say anyone else has ever had on it.

You fronted it out, James, which is all you can do. Tried to front it out. I was spiraling. They don't help you. They just watch you drown in your own cake batter. Oh, yeah. They loved it. Had you ever baked before that traumatic experience?

Good question. Not really. Not really. Really? It didn't show, mate. As a kid, sometimes, because I wanted to eat the cake mix. Obviously. And I did one practice round on my flat jacks before going on bake-off with my sister.

It went really well, so I thought that was the easiest thing I've ever had to do, bake those flat jacks. So I was like, no more practicing then. That's fine. I turned up on the day and everyone else was like, I've practiced 16 times or whatever. And I was like, what? Yeah. You must not be getting much work outside of that.

You can tell some people have been in heavy training for weeks, though, can't you? You just can. Yeah. Yeah. Also, they enjoyed baking at home, so they was like, yeah, I've done all these different practices. That's because they loved it. And I saw it as work and tried to avoid it.

Turned up on the day. I've got my ass handed to me. No. Do you know what? But that's why people watch it. It's for the ass-handing bits. It's not for the expert cake bits. It should be called celebrity ass-handing, really, shouldn't it?

It should, really. It's not as catchy, maybe. Yeah. Is there a specific cake that you like to make when you learn your lines or is it a whole range of cakes? This is a good question. There are a couple of cakes I can do pretty much with my eyes closed. One is lemon drizzle and the other is brownies, really nice sticky gooey brownies.

So those I can go down to a fine art now. Next question. What is your address? You're very welcome any time. I'm that annoying actor that takes cakes to the rehearsal room, but I found it's a really great way of breaking the ice. I don't think that's annoying, Mira. I don't know.

Do you remember Nigel Plainer's book, I an Actor? No. Which is all about a Ponzi actor and he's got a recipe in there for rehearsal cheesecake to break the ice, which has got ingredients in it like squirrel skin and quince. But I hope I'm not that actor, but I do find that there is nothing like feeding people to start everyone talking. That's not annoying at all, Mira. I'd imagine you're the absolute toast to the town when you bring the lemon drizzle to

a rehearsal room. That sounds incredible. I'm going to start working harder on my auditions if that's the thing that happens when you get the part. Yeah. I didn't notice cake at the end of it. Does your mum like your cooking and your cakes now that she lives with you? Yes.

She loves the cake. She's got really sweet tooth. She never, I mean, I wasn't brought up with baking. It's not an Indian thing at all. In fact, for years, I thought the oven was a place you stored your pans. I didn't actually know it did anything because we just never baked, but I grew up in this mining village surrounded and it was a bit sort of, you know, it's not quite in it, very working class in it, but it's a bit kind of rurally and, you know, I had lots of old

ladies living around me that all used to bake for the church fate. And that's how I learned. I learned from little old ladies. So my next door neighbour would be making a cake or jam tart from scratch with black breads she'd picked and I'd stand by her and watch her and that's how I learned. So it was a pretty good training, actually. It's good. Always stalk an old lady.

Because that's the only way to learn how to bake, really, isn't it, from old ladies, right? I think so. So how did the first person learn how to bake? Because was there just an old lady who was born and she knew how to bake straight away? Because there's got to be a time when there wasn't an old lady knocking around, right? Yeah, but you're very right. That's a very existential question, which I'm not sure I can answer.

Yeah, what came first, the cake or the old lady? It's the old question. Yeah, maybe there was a cake and an old lady burst out of it, you know, like a surprise like a birthday. Like a stag party surprise. Yeah, but they're like, how long has she been in there? It's so old. Did you bake a cake when learning your lines for code 404 is the question?

Oh, nice segue. Very good. Probably. I imagine I probably did, but I couldn't tell you what cake it was. Yeah, yes, it would have been a bitter cake because I was playing a bitter character. It would have been something with dark chocolate and spikes in it, I think. That was a really, really fun part. I don't get offered many sort of purely wrongans.

And it was just great to play someone who you never knew what side of the law she was on because she's a lawyer that comes from a criminal family. So she knows both worlds really intimately. And I got to eyeball Stephen Graham in a very dead-eyed, sharky way, which is very exciting. He won, obviously. Oh, did he? That's got to be one of the dreams to dead-eyed Stephen Graham, just to have the opportunity to do that within a part because, you know, in real life, that's never going to happen

for any of us, right? You just wouldn't dare, would you? No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. I would. You wouldn't dare. Would you dare? Yeah, I would.

But I saw him on Jonathan Ross once having a go at Romesh, and I was like, if I see him, if I ever see that guy, I'm going to dead-eye him minimum. What's your maximum with him, though? Punch him in the head. I would do it. You wouldn't ask the second, mate. You wouldn't. Well, let's see.

Let's see. Can I just tell you, he's completely ripped as well. Yeah. Well, he's going to be a ripped piece. He's really ripped. He's going to be a bit of a stunt, which involved running and jumping and guns and helicopters. It's very exciting.

Wow. And he sprinted from one end of a runway to the other in about three seconds flat without what? Barely breathing. I was like, my God. You'll have to run quicker than that when I see him. You'll have to run quicker. It's not sounding very convincing, I have to tell you.

No. We'll see. We'll see. I don't think we will. I'll pass the message on, shall I say. Yeah, do. Yes. I mean, if you send him an email, please mirror him.

That would be great. James A. Caster says he can tell you to pieces, I believe. Yeah, I will do that. You'll be hearing from him, I'm sure. And you'll have to run first when you see him. That's what he said as well. I'll make sure to pass that on. How many courtroom characters have you played now, Mirra?

Because like, before we get into your main menu, I'm thinking you've played a judge, right? Yeah. I've played a few. I've played a judge in Broadchurch and I played a prosecuting barrister in Paddington too. I had to prosecute Hugh Grant, which was just a career highlight, frankly. What a film.

He just improvises all the time, you can't stop him and every improvisation is bloody genius. Oh, really? I mean, he's just brilliant, yeah. I have a feeling, though, on that film, Hugh Grant was having the absolute best time of his entire career, though. You could tell, couldn't you? I'm not sure he's riffing on every job he's doing, but Paddington too, he was absolutely

losing his mind. He was so excited. You could tell. Maybe for some of the reasons to you on Code 404, he got to play a baddie and quite enjoyed that, maybe. Is there something more cathartic about that, about playing a longan? Oh, gosh, yeah, totally. It's really hard to play good and it's really hard to play glam.

I mean, those are two things, if nobody really asks me much about the glam bit now, but you think, oh, no, that's ours in makeup. They're going to have to work really hard to make me look even vaguely glam. And like everyone says, the devil has the best lines. The most interesting complex characters are really flawed and unpredictable, so of course we all want to play them. That's like you, Ed. What?

Complex and flawed? And unpredictable? Yeah. I wouldn't say that's true at all. I'm a lovely good boy. OK. No? If I was a cake, James, what would I be?

Flawed cake. Flawed and unpredictable cake. One of your cakes from Baker. Yeah, you would be. My flapjacks from Baker. It would be a liquid flapjack soup, would I? What a lovely compliment. Congratulations.

Bon appetit. Would you like still or sparkling water, Mirra? Sparkling, please. No. It's hard to be glam, and yet you've gone for the glamist water choice. Have I gone for the glamist water? Oh, this is full of pizzazz, the sparkling water. It's full of pizzazz, although I read somewhere that sparkling water can give you cellulite.

Is that true? Tell us about this. I've not heard this. Yeah, it's one of those random facts. I remember reading saying, you know, if you have too much sparkling water, you'll get orange peel thighs. It's not stop me, though. I do enjoy it.

It just makes me feel like I'm out, because I wouldn't have it at home. So when you're out, you have sparkling water. I do. Have you ever tried having it at home to give yourself the feeling of being out even though you're at home? Well, of course, in lockdown, we were all doing that, weren't we? We had to pretend we were out. So, yeah, I think we cracked open a couple of bottles in the kitchen over lockdown.

But yeah, it's not, yeah, normally I'll have, I'm quite happy with tap water, to be honest. But yes, when I'm out, I do like a bit of sparkling water, yes. What are orange peel thighs? Orange peel thighs? Oh, God. Guys don't get cellulite, do you? Not really. Yes, not.

So, you know, that kind of looks like... I understand the idea. You understand the concept. It's like cottage cheese-y sort of ripples on your flesh. Uh-huh. Although I like cottage cheese, and I like oranges, so if anything, I'm going to start slamming the sparkling water. Yes.

Sparkling water does that. Do you want anything in the sparkling water, like ice or some fruit? I would like some ice and a couple of thinly-cut slices of lime, please. You've got to be careful, because if you have too much lime, you get lime peel thighs. Do you? Oh, no. Yeah, you get green, green thighs. Green thighs.

Real bad stuff, actually, yeah. You really don't want that. That's a good point. Imagine this mirror. You wake up one morning and your thighs have been replaced with a citrus fruit. Which fruit would you choose of the citrus family, and we're talking lemons, limes, grape fruits, oranges, what other ones are there? I'm going to surprise you now and say kumquat.

Oh, yes. You weren't, you didn't predict that, did you? Didn't predict it. No. Yeah. I don't think we were even sure that that was definitely a citrus fruit, so you've absolutely sideswiped us there, Mira. Why specifically the kumquat?

Because they're small. So you're imagining yourself with just, instead of thighs, just two kumquats. Two very small kumquats, yeah. And if your thighs were replaced with kumquats and you were doing exercises at home, you could do kwatskwats as well. You could do squat? I can't even say that. Very good.

I'm annoyed James got that in there because I had that bubble. You had that in your head as well? I had come, no, because I was going to say kumquats, and that sounds way worse, so I'm glad you went with squat. That's disgusting. So actually, I'm glad you did yours. Sorry, everyone. Yeah.

It's all right. We'll edit that bit out. You're all right. Yeah, please, yeah. We can edit the kumquats out though. That's going to be the main bit. That's going to be the main bit of the podcast. You deserve it.

Pop-nobbs or bread? Pop-nobbs or bread, Mirri-Syle? Pop-nobbs or bread? Pop-nobbs. Pop-nobbs. Pop-nobbs or bread? Oh, pop-nobbs or bread. Bread.

Bread. I'm a bread freak. Bread of any kind. Yeah? Yes, please. Cross the other better. Now, occasionally, Mirra, the guests will miss hear what James says there because he always shouts it.

Does he? But I don't think anyone's heard pop-nobbs before. Pop-nobbs. Pop-nobbs. It was a cross between a pop-nobb and a pop-nobb. Pop-nobbs. Not a bad idea. But what kind of restaurant am I in?

Some kind of weird fusion, culturally appropriated place. Get out of here. Well, he's had his anericolour on and now he's trying to say you're a pop-nobb. Appropriating pop-nobbs. It's just ongoing. Walking around, greeting people at the door. Welcome to pop-nobbs and kumquats. Sit down.

What kind of bread would you like? I very much like crusty bread with a soft yielding centre. So, you know, a really good French loaf or some of those lovely, slightly warm rolls that when you break them open, the steam comes out and then you can put the butter in it and the butter melts. That kind. Have you had a French loaf in France? Yes.

My gosh. They taste different, aren't they? They do. It's the water and the flour and everything else, isn't it? It does. It's the ambiance. But also, I love the fact that everybody eats piles of bread and nobody cares. Nobody's going, oh, carbs.

They just eat piles of bread. Yeah. And they drink wine and little glasses. Walking around drinking wine, eating bread. Looking amazing. Looking amazing. Yeah. Wearing a scarf in a million different ways that you couldn't even begin to even do once.

I mean, I don't know how the innate sense of style that they have is there, but it is. Yeah. If you were staying in Paris and you lived above or on the same street as a bakery and you could go down every morning and get yourself a baguette, do you think you could walk from the bakers back to your house without nibbling the baguette out of the bag, sticking up the top? Oh, no. I've even done that when I brought things back from shopping. Yeah.

I've broken the end of the bread and eaten it in the car while I've been driving. That's just really bad, isn't it? Would you ever do it before you've paid for it? Some people do that. Oh, yeah. Have I ever done that? I probably haven't, no. What do you think of the people who do do that?

I respect their choices. As long as you pay for it, it's all right. Because sometimes people do that with their kids, right? They'll pick something off the shelf in the supermarket. They'll give it to their kids and their kids will eat it when they're going around the shop, and then they'll make the person scan an empty bag. Yeah. When you do it and you've got no kids, you get frowned upon.

That's a very fair point. I think maybe they give concessions to under fives, though. Yeah. They do let them get away with it, but I just wonder whether I could get away with going into the supermarket, eating a bag of crisps, and that's the only thing I take to the checkout, whether I essentially go and use it as a cafe, whether that would fly. Not unless you've been threatening to have a tantrum, unless you've got the crisps, because that's generally why people have given things to their kids in the aisles of Sainsbury's

is to stop them melting down. Well, in that scenario, I would have to go into the supermarket, out loud threaten myself with a tantrum, and then give myself a bag of crisps, eat the crisps, and then check out the bag of crisps. I'd look insane, I'd say. It's not outside the realms of possibility. That's true. I bet Stephen Graham eats food when he walks around Sainsbury's supermarket. You wouldn't stop him, would you?

I would. He wouldn't. I would stop him. I'd see him moving the food towards his mouth. I would grab his wrist and I'd say, not so fast. And then he'd dead, are you? Yeah. And you'd be very, very frightened.

It'd be the last thing you did if you'd tried that. James, he would fold you up and put you in that bag of crisps and then put it back on the shelf. Lovely. I'd love to be in a bag of crisps. Thank you very much. You could live in a bag of crisps instead of a lamp. That would be good, actually. Wouldn't it?

It would. Pop out with all that and all the crisps would go everywhere. Did you used to do that when you were a kid? When you had a bag of crisps and somebody wanted one and then you'd quickly smash them all up into little tiny pieces. So when you offered the bag all they could take was a tiny crumb. Did you ever do that? Was that just me? No, but I love it.

I never did that. I absolutely love that. I wish I'd thought of that. It must be a Midland thing. Well, I'm from the Midlands. I'm from Kettering, but we didn't do it there. You never did that. Maybe it's just a particular West Midland thing then.

We just said no. We weren't the most generous of kids in Kettering. Do you think you could do that as an adult? Maybe when you're in the pub, bring a bag of crisps back. You know how people tease it open and like splay it out like a little plate? Do you think instead of doing that, you just slam your fist on it so it's just powder and then open it up and go, good luck. That's quite a good pub game, actually, isn't it? Maybe you should give everyone a straw and see if they can suck the bits up through the straw.

You got a favourite flavour of crisps before we move on? Really boringly, I like a plain crisps, actually. I don't think you should embellish it too much. I'm into that. Maybe a bit of black pepper on it and a black pepper crisps. Yeah, I'm not into heavily flavoured, like prawny, barbequy things. Yeah, more and more, I've really grown to appreciate the really solid crisps. Oh, yeah.

It should be all about the wacky flavours. But these days, yeah, I keep gravitating towards the very salt that have been going on. There's a beauty to this. I think it's a sign of age. This is like being at a Russian meeting in the 1940s. What's going on here? Both of you are going, oh, no, this is the plain flavour of the potato to come through, actually. But label, doing the Midlands a disservice.

I grew up in London. I like truffle crisps, thank you. Yeah, he does. Actually, they are quite good, though, aren't they? Thank you, Mary. Yes. They are the black truffle Torres crisps are the best crisps in the world. Oh, yes.

They're like crack, aren't they? Just once you open it, that's it. Yeah, full big bag, done, down. During lockdown, I found out the supermarket around the corner from me had them on Deliveroo. So, quite often, if I was hungover and I couldn't really be bothered to leave the house, I'd get a full Deliveroo shop, full of stuff I didn't need, just justify buying a big bag of the crisps down in one breath. Amazing.

I hear you. Get all upset about it and throw a wobbly in the middle of the supermarket. Let's move on to your dream meal proper and start with your dream starter. My dream starter would be an Indian street food dish called chaat, C-H-W-A-T, and there's various versions of it, like aloo papri chaat. Let me describe it to you. It's like, it's a potato and chickpea mixed with fresh onion, coriander, ginger garlic, some spices, and then on top of that, you have yogurt and tamarind sauce,

and then right on top of that, you have these little crispy things, a bit like crisps called papri, and it's all together in a bowl of just fantastic layered flavours, and it literally is street food. It's what you can grab from a stall on your way to work or on your way back, but it's just one of my favourite things because there's just so many different sensations in one little bowl. Oh, it does sound absolutely amazing. Straight away.

Oh, and mint chutney as well. Put that on top too. Oh. It's just delicious. I've had a Mowgli, which is like a chain. There's one in Liverpool, one in Birmingham, and they do chaat bombs, which are almost like, is it called gold guppas? Very good.

Gold guppy, yeah. Yeah, so they're little flying saucers. Yeah, it's like a combination of the two. So inside is the chaat, and those are probably the first time I had anything that's like that. Did you like it? It's really addicted to it. I was then like obsessed with where Mowgli's were around the UK, because I was on tour at the time.

So I was like, is there a Mowgli nearby? I'm going to get those bombs again. Do you know, they're not difficult to make at home. Not the actual little gold guppy. I buy those from, you know, you can buy them. But the mixture that goes inside, you can make pretty easily. You just need chickpeas and ball up some potatoes, and then you buy the various spices and you're off.

Where's the best place that you've ever had this dish? Is there like, if you wanted it from a specific place? It could even be your own. Maybe. It could even be your own. I do make a very good aloo papri chaat, I have to say, but Dishoom, Dishoom do a great chaat. But also surprisingly, when you, you know,

you go to these little off-piste places in places like Wembley or Southall or Green Street in the East end, these are all London places. But generally you will always find, you know, a little family-run restaurant that does the best chaat if you're willing to just be a little bit adventurous. But Dishoom is very, very good chaat. Yeah, they do loads of things very well.

You mentioned a lot of London places there. Yeah. Jess Phillips, elected MP, Jess Phillips has been on the podcast. And she claimed there was no good curry places in London at all. What would you say to that? Goodness, that's a big challenge. Yeah. Well, it's from Birmingham.

I know, and I know what she means. She was really flying the flag for Birmingham. Oh yeah, no, Birmingham's got some of the, she's right. Some of the best curry houses, I would say worldwide, then mind Britain-wide, that's true. But there's a particularly famous sort of area around about, so Herod and Spa brought around there, which do, Baltic literally means bucket,

but you don't eat half a bucket, don't worry. But they do really amazing, very quickly cooked different curries in sort of large, they look like woks really. And the secret is that you cook everything quite quickly still. And you get these giant naans, they're called curry naans. And you can get one that is literally, you can't see my hands, but literally the size of the dining table. And you all share it.

And it's like, it's just like being with a bunch of caterpillars. Everybody just gets an end of just munchies that went to the middle. It's such a, it's a communal experience of eating that, but it's so much fun and it breaks loads of barriers when you go along. So yeah, the curry houses around there are amazing, but yes, she's right. It's a very good place to eat Indian food. I don't think I would have a good time eating that naan with everyone else

because I'm very greedy and I immediately want to know what bit of the food is mine so I can get it all. So what I would do is I'd start eating that naan and I'd go, I try and go the fastest out of everyone and I'd be across the other side of the table for anyone else who'd taken the bite. Some people do that because they're frightened it's going to, yeah, it's going to run out.

Do you come from a big family? Is that wide? Do you have to fight for food at the table? No, I'm an only child. Oh my God. Well, that makes no sense then. I think it explains everything, Mooma. I have a half brother and half sister,

I didn't grow up with them, so yes, only child. They were full brothers and full sisters, but at eight half of them. Yeah. That's why they're a half brother and half sister, right? They're the top of my sister and the bottom of my brother. Is there a chance, Mira, when everyone's nibbling on the naan from all different sides? The giant naan.

The giant naan that they would all meet in the middle and accidentally lady in the tramp at the end of the meal. Oh, that'd be romantic, wouldn't it? Depends who you're with, I suppose. It does depend who you're with, yeah. It's a little awkward if it's your brother. Family, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

It's never happened to me, but then I think it's descended into a free-for-all before we've reached that point. But generally, the great thing about an eight-it experience like this is the food is in the middle of the table in the pans. There's no formality, so nobody worries that there isn't enough. I've only got this little bit of Nouveau cuisine on my plate. It just doesn't work like that. It's like there's a load of food.

You eat with your fingers. It's an essential experience. Just get stuck in there and ask for more if you want to. And that's how I like eating, actually. I always worry that what if there's not enough and what if this is the last time I ever eat this food? So I have to go for it. Are you a survivalist?

Have you got a secret bunker with lots of tinned food? No. I think in an apocalyptic situation, I think I might be the first one to die. Because if I did have any tins, I'd eat all my tins day one. And then I'd be too full when the zombies came. I'm assuming the zombies. See, I'm the opposite. Because the biggest fear that anybody has in my culture is to not have enough food.

It's a ridiculous thing. And you completely overfeed people. And then you get offended when they say, I'm full after eating for three hours. You're full, you're full. This is the first course. And this is how over much I cater that when the lockdown was sort of first coming, everyone was panic buying, friend was around.

And she went, oh, I see you've stocked up already. Go out and look at that. And I went, no, this is my usual cupboard. I have 36 tins of tinned tomatoes because I will need them in the week. I have 50 toilet rolls because I will need them. So yeah, bulk buying all the way. Your dream main then? Is it something that would be like, you know, a shared dish or is this just for you?

You know, I had a real difficulty with this. But I thought, what is the thing I've most enjoyed eating over the last couple of years? And I'm going to say paella or paella. Because I had the best paella I've ever had in Barcelona a couple of years ago. And I still think about it. Is that sad? I actually enjoy remembering eating that paella. And maybe because of where it was, it was, you know, on the beach,

it was a restaurant right next to the beach in Barcelona. Barcelona friends had taken us there and said, you will never eat better paella. And you go, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were right. It was just amazing. And it had the little sofrito bit at the bottom. You know, that sort of crackly bit that forms at the bottom of the pan.

I can't remember how much I ate, but I had to be rolled out of there. I couldn't stop eating it. Every single layer of flavor was just amazing. And of course, all the, you know, it was, it was a fish one because I don't, I don't eat meat. So it was chocker full of the best seafood because it was all fresh and probably caught this morning. And yes, it'll be that, please.

That is the first shout out we've had for paella on the podcast. Would you believe it after a hundred and something episodes? And what a good choice. I've not had paella in ages. I have it all the time. You don't have it all the time, mate. I do. What are you talking about?

My girlfriend all the way through lockdown has been perfecting her paella. That is true. Wow. Tell me this. Yeah. And just, we've had it pretty regularly. Keeps getting better. Delicious.

That's amazing. Eat it out the pan while watching TV, sharing it together from the pan. Does she get the crispy bit on the bottom? Yeah. Absolutely. What do you have in yours? Chicken and prawns. I don't know.

Chicken. And then I've realized that I've imagined the prawns. Chicken, chicken, and like loads of, I think I'm thinking of how red peppers are cut and they look like prawns. She's absolutely fooled you, mate. Yeah. And she got a proper paella pan. Yeah.

Well, kind of. Yeah. It is like a beginner's one, I'd say. Yeah. Me, too. I've only got a beginner's one. It's huge though. moving it around so he cooks properly.

But yeah, I love hearing the shout of the pilot. I know we've definitely mentioned pilot before in the podcast because I said about how I was really obsessed with the Tesco Piala that you could buy for a while. Oh yes. I would regularly eat that when I was like, when I first moved to London, I'd get that but it was a really,

it's probably the best ready meal I've ever had. And I would have it pretty, pretty regularly because it was delicious. But I couldn't remember if it was Tesco or Sainsbury's. And Joe, I was told this was boring the first time I said it on the podcast. How big was the pan that they made the Piala in when you saw it? Because they get pretty, pretty damn big.

Huge. I mean, there was four of us, five of us around the table, six of us maybe even, and we all, you know, we couldn't finish it. So again, this is something else that you'll eat. You're all sat around and you're just eating your way towards the middle. It's another communal eating experience, right? Well, yeah, because I think that's what food's about.

Food is just better when it's shared. And I think food brings us all together. And I think food is also, it's soul food because the recipes that I, you know, the Indian food I make, the recipes I have are things that my mum made for me and her mum made for her. And I feel that I'm really linked to my past and all those flavors are part of who I am.

And so eating that food and making that food is more than just though it's fuel, it's loads of other things as well. When you make things for your mum, that your mum in the past made for you, do you ever put any little twists in? Do you ever make your, put your own stamp on it? Or would she, would she be angry about that? Oh no, you adapt all the time.

And then particularly, because, you know, if you, a lot of traditional Indian dishes, if you follow the traditional recipe, you are literally there for four hours stirring and who's got the time to do that? So I do loads of shortcuts. Sometimes she doesn't know, sometimes she really does. She'll sort of go, mm-hmm, just to eat it though.

But yeah, I mean, we just don't have the time that our mothers did. Nor the inclination, frankly. I mean, I don't want to spend half my life in a kitchen. I want to be able to make the food as quickly and as well as I can. And then sit and eat it with my friends and enjoy it. So gone are those days when the mums used to

stand at the stove and basically serve everybody else and then sit down on their own afterwards. I mean, that does not happen anymore in my house. Or anybody else's, I hope. If you were in a situation where you and your friends were all sat around a big, either a big round naan bread or a big paella and you're all eating from the outside

and you meet in the middle and do a big lady in the tramp all of you at the same time, who would be the people that you would most like to do that with? Minimum three other people, but you can add more if you want to. Oh, okay, so Frida Kahlo. Yes.

Who I love in love and still on my bucket list, I was meant to go this year, but for obvious reasons I didn't, is to visit her house in Mexico. Joni Mitchell, who is my favorite musician. Nina Simone, because I think she'd just be fascinating and I could get her to sing to everyone and that will be amazing.

Can I have those three, please? For me, that's a very strong character. Yeah, I absolutely love to be at that meal. And you're all lady in the tramping at the end, remember? Was that a question? No, just to make sure you remember it. Oh, I see. I can show you remember that this isn't...

James was giving you another, because you picked very strong characters who you'd be once will have to have a conversation with, but I think James is just reminding you that you're all going to have a big kiss in the middle of a paella at the end of the evening, so... Oh, I don't mind kissing any of those women. I think... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Could be lovely. I would like Frida Kahlo's mustache to tickle my lips. I think it would be very exciting. Yes. And I could stroke her mono-brown, and that would also be very exciting. Frida getting a lot of attention there and the lady in the tramp kiss,

the other two getting a little jealous. Anita Simone would not stand for that. She would be unhappy. She would not. She'd use that benefit. Yeah. Interesting note coming onto the side dish, though, isn't it, because the paella is one of those dishes that is its own thing,

completely all-encompassing meal. You don't really need a side dish with paella necessarily, but, of course, this is the dream restaurant, so you can have whatever you down please, Mira. I would like Samfaya. Oh, yes. And I think that would go very well with paella. Yeah. Yep.

And I've only discovered Samfaya recently, because, you know, I did need to prawn till I was 18. I was very slow to a lot of culinary things, because you just didn't eat in the Midlands. I remember my first prawn. It was at the Acropolis Greek restaurant in Walsall near the bus station, and I thought, I've arrived at the prawn.

So, Samfaya only discovered, oh, gosh, really recently, maybe about eight, nine years ago, in Brighton, someone taught me this amazing fish restaurant, and so, and they ordered some, and I said, what is that? And they went, darling, you don't know what Samfaya is. I said, no. And they ate it, and I thought, I'm eating the sea.

This just tastes of the sea in the nicest way, not in a gritty, you know, muscley way, but just the freshness and the crispness, and you hardly need to cook it. You just sort of tickle it a bit in hot oil, bit of lemon juice and garlic, and you're off. And it's just the best flavor, and it's fresh. It just always, and it's full of iron.

It's good for you. It feels like it's good for you, doesn't it? When you eat it, you're like, this is delicious, but also, it feels like it's doing me some good. It feels like I've been for a swim. Yeah, exactly, and I love swimming, so, yeah. So, I think it would go well with paella as well, actually. Yeah, for sure.

It's a fishy theme, yes. I love it. Really, the main place I have Samfaya is cricket. We've got a cricket sometimes, and they do this deep-fried kind of Samfaya. It's very nice, but it doesn't really taste of the sea, because they deep-fry it, and it comes with some sauce and stuff. But, I had some proper, nice, fresh-tasting stuff at Shrimpster,

before we did our off-menu live shows at the Royal Festival Hall. There was some food market outside, and there's a place called Shrimpster. They did all, like, shrimp stuff, and I got the Shrimpster burger that had, like, a bunch of deep-fried shrimp in it, and then loads of Samfaya in a burger. It was so delicious.

Really tasty with some, I think the sauce had, like, sriracha, kind of mayo sauce. It was amazing, and Ed got, what did you get? Ed's Sex in a Pot or something? It wasn't called Sex in a Pot, no, I think. There was Sex in the Name, but it was just the deep-fried shrimp that were in a pot. But there's also a shrimp to sex pot, I think.

It wasn't called Sex in a Pot, though, which was your initial guess, so I just wanted to make it. It was called something similar. It had the word Sex and Pot in it. I just wanted to let Mira know that I didn't specifically pick a dish called Sex in a Pot, which sounds awful. I was wondering, did you have to put your car keys in a bowl

before you chose it? In the pot, yeah, it's a big pot in the middle of the food market. Yes, I had some Sex in a Pot, but then also I had another dinner as well, so I doubled-inned it that night. He doubled-inned it because he got something else, and then he came and met me outside shrimp store and went, oh, that looks nice, actually.

And he got jealous, so then he ordered himself a second dinner, and then he really regretted it before he'd even eaten either one of them. Oh, no, why have I done this? And then ate both of them. Food envy is horrible, though, isn't it? I hate food envy when you order something and someone else's dish comes and goes,

no, I've made a terrible mistake. Which I guess is the other joy of the big communal foods is that you've all got the same thing, so you can't have food envy unless someone's got too many muscles on their side of the paella, which is annoying me already, just imagining it. Oh, that's the point. Are there muscles in this paella?

I mean, I'm not mega keen on muscles, I have to say. I think there's too much hassle. Muscles aren't more of the hassle. Yeah, I don't think so, and it's horrible when they're sandy. It just ruins everything. Just get grit under your teeth, don't like it. Well, obviously, there's amazing big gumbus.

Those are incredible, huge Mediterranean prawns you get. A lot of that. I love squid. Throw in some squid, I'd enjoy that too. I used to like octopus, but I can't eat it anymore. Why not? Because since that film, my octopus teacher, I just couldn't eat an octopus now.

I like that film. They're just really too intelligent to be like eating a dolphin, just couldn't do it. What if a film came out tomorrow on Netflix about a prawn that's got a degree? Do you know that would probably stop me eating prawns as well? God damn it.

It's just gonna, by the end, this is just gonna be a rice paella, isn't it? And just praying that it doesn't turn out that rice is clever. You know what the weird thing about that octopus film was? It's that at the end, when the octopus, spoiler alert, if you've not seen my octopus teacher, at the end, the octopus gets killed

by some baddie fish or a shark or something. And the guy just watches it and lets it happen because that's the code of like documentarians. You have to just watch it, let it happen, don't interfere. But for the whole film, he is hanging out with that octopus, like interacting with it constantly and interfere, like his whole, when he gets something out of it,

and it's his friendship with the octopus, and he loves it, makes him feel good. He's hanging out with the octopus, touching the octopus, just let the octopus latch onto his arm, swimming around with it, playing with the octopus, do all this stuff. And the octopus gets beaten by a shark.

He's like, well, I mustn't interfere. No, you're scared of a shark, mate. That's what's going on. And you're letting your friend get ripped to shreds, and now you're gonna win an Academy Award for it. If I'm met him, I punch him in the head. Yeah. Very aggressive today, James.

Yeah. Yeah, because mentioned Stephen Graham earlier on. That's why. You're not hungry. Are you hungry? Maybe I'm a little bit hangry, but also, I'm a member of Steven Graham slamming Romesh on a Jonathan Ross, and I remembered I owe him a piece of my mind. I think you and Steven Graham need to go for a big paella, James, and just eyeball each other for the whole thing while you're eating your way into the middle and then have a lovely old big kiss in the middle. Oh, there'd be some muscles in that paella pretty quickly, because we've been both swimming around in it, having a big old fight. These muscles, these guns.

That'd be all in amongst the paella. We knew what you meant. When you said the muscles thing, we knew what you were talking about. We knew what you meant, but thanks for flagging it up. We wasn't getting the support that I thought I was going to get. If Steven Graham ever comes on this podcast, I'm going to let him do his menu. I'm going to say you're not having any of that. I'll tell you what you're having for dinner, a knuckle sandwich, mate. He's going to hear this, you know. Yeah, he's never coming on this podcast. I hope he does hear it.

He's the sweetest man. He really is. Well, I'll tell you what. We'll see. We'll see how sweet he is when I'm finished with him. This first prawn that you had at the Acropolis in Walsall, near the bus station there, right? Yeah. Why did you pick the prawn? Did you think I've never had a prawn before? This is going to be my big moment to have a prawn. Yes. And do you remember how the first prawn tasted and how it was prepared?

It was a prawn cocktail because it was, you know, the 80s, so of course it was a prawn cocktail, you know, hanging out the jar with a little bit of pink mayonnaise and bits of lettuce. Yeah. And I just thought, it's time. I'm 18. I really got to do this. I've got to eat a prawn. I mean, there were probably, you know, frozen prawns that had just been defrosted, but didn't matter to me. I just thought, because I hardly ate any fish growing up. We had fish fingers, but, you know, you tend to cook the food that your mum cooks, and that is influenced by the region you grew up in. So my friends that lived in bits of India by the sea ate loads of fish, like South Indians, but I'm North Indian, Punjabi, landlocked.

And so a lot of our food was vegetarian, actually, occasional bit of chicken, but never fish. So fish was an unknown thing to me. And I don't know, maybe that's why it's one of my favorite things now, because I feel I have a lot of fish years to catch up on. And I guess the cuisine is from a landlocked place, so not a lot of fish. And then, of course, then you're living in the Midlands. Even more landlocked. Also landlocked as well, even more landlocked. So you're not going to get fresh prawns unless they've come straight off the bus.

In all sorts of ways. Well, we were in the bus station, so it was probably quite convenient. Right next to where the prawns were coming in. Yeah. I've just got this image of all these prawns getting off the bus. Ready for a night out in Warsaw. Your dream drink. I'm going to be really boring and not choose an alcoholic drink, but I will, I will choose the drink.

And I love this drink because it's like a pudding. It's rose lussey. Rose favorite lussey. And you get it at Dishon. See, I'm giving them a name check again, but whenever I go to Dishon, that's what I have. No, you probably know what lussey is. It's a yogurt based drink and you can, you can have the healthy version, which is without sugar and flavoring. And it's just sort of, you know, actually salted.

Yogurt mixed with water. This is the naughty version, which has yummy things in it. I love rose flavor anyway. It's very particular thing. Some people can't stand it. Turkish delight kind of flavor. I love it. And there's something about this lussey that they make.

It's just gorgeous and very filling. So it's, I order it, but I sort of have it as a pudding, even though it's a drink because it's really filling. Would you like it in a giant fish bowl and then everyone sits around with a big straw and you all drink it down? Because I feel like everything else is communal now, right? You're right, but I might draw the line at my lussey. Okay. Yeah, I might get a bit territorial about that. Yeah.

Joni's looking a bit offended. Yeah. Joni's not happy. I forgot about Joni. Joni will be having a whiskey for God's sake. Now we had one of our earlier episodes, series one years ago now. Christian Guru Murphy was our guest and he chose a mango lussey. And Ed and I were like, oh yeah, yeah, we love mango lusseys.

And he was like, you pronounce it lussey? That's the way it's pronounced. And then since then, Ed, it's more of a question for you almost, Ed. Yeah. I don't know if you've not. So then throughout my life now, since then, I say lussey and sometimes it's become one of those things where if ever I'm talking to a friend or a restaurant and someone says, I might get a mango lussey actually. That passive aggressive thing where I go, yeah, I also might get a lussey. Look at that.

I've become, I really enjoy it. Yeah. So now all your friends go, you know what I'm saying? James always repeats it and changes the way he says it. And then he never orders one. He never wants one. He just always says he might get one specifically to correct me and then never gets one. I don't think I've said lussey out loud since that episode.

I've never ordered one. Still, I can't believe it. My gosh, you should try it. It's really nice. It sounds so delicious. The rose lussey sounds really good. I'm going to tell my girlfriend about that. She wouldn't have it because she loves rose stuff, but get this mirror.

She's scared of yoga. How can you be scared of yoga? I've got no idea. Petrified of it. Absolutely petrified of yoga. The look of it, the smell of it. The smell of it, the look of it, just the way it is, the texture of it. Would she know that a lussey was made of yoga?

Yes, I think she would know. Even though it's a bit like a milkshake, really, when you get it. You couldn't tell it was yoga. She knows when yoga is hiding around the corner. You can sense yoga. My goodness. I know how she feels though. I'm a bit like that, that skin on things.

That must be awful every morning when you wake up. I like my skin. The skin on top of boiled milk or a custard or actually makes me heave. I can't bear how it looks. I love custard. It's going back to taste. I wouldn't let it anywhere near me. I could eat a whole bag.

I could eat a whole bag of custard skin. If you gave it to me, it's like a bit of custard skin like Chris. That's what you do, isn't it? If Stephen Graham was looking you right in the eye, to freak him out, you just eat a whole bag of custard skin. I eat a whole bag of custard skin. Problem? How can you?

The texture, it's like, oh, gosh. Yeah, I'm with you, Mira. I'm not on board with that. Because it just means it's been sitting there for a while, right? The custard. Yeah, that's just a sign that it should have been dealt with. I just remembered the last time I had a lusty, actually. It was in lockdown and I ordered a takeaway and I ordered a lusty.

I was feeling in the mood. But what was annoying about that is that just me and my flat, I couldn't get the chance to say it and show that I knew how to say it. So, when the delivery guy dropped it round, I got it off him and I said, just to check, the lusty's in here, right? He was like, yeah? I was like, good, just checking if the lusty was in here.

Goodbye. The thing is, it's not impressive. Well, it's not impressive for a start. And then it's even less impressive when there's no one there saying it wrong. So, you would have needed someone else to say, is the lusty in there? You go, I'll check if the lusty's in there. Sorry about that.

Yeah, I should have told my girlfriend to say that. When he comes, I want you to shout from the living room, make sure you remember the lusty. And I'll say, she means the lusty. And I'm imagining you wearing a Neru collar when you do. I know it's called lusty. She loves Iron Maiden if you know what I mean. I haven't had a Rose one ever.

Is it Rose or Rosé one? It's not a Rosé one. It's Rose. Imagine a Rosé lusty. Would you turn that down? I think I would. I don't think wine and yoghurt mix. Call me old-fashioned.

I think maybe not. I think I'm with you, Mira. I agree that wine and yoghurt don't mix. Disagreed. Over here. If someone started releasing wine-flavored yoghurt, I would try one at least. Yeah, all the different types of wine

and all that, a Malbec yoghurt, a Shiraz yoghurt. I would give it a go. Champagne yoghurt, I'd probably give a go. Would you have a Champagne yoghurt? Cherry liqueur yoghurt would be nice. It would curdle, though. How could you keep it from curdling? I guess you'd have to maybe store it like a fruit corner,

have the cherry liqueur in the little corner, and then the yoghurt and then tip it in the last minute. But then it would curdle in your stomach. Which is even worse. But I guess food's doing all sorts of stuff in our stomachs after we eat it, right? And then you poo cheese. So, you know, in an apocalyptic situation.

He would love that. That's just the logical, that's how it would go, right? If Ed pooed cheese, he thought he would die to go to heaven. Yeah. He would absolutely love it. Like the ultimate pez dispenser. I'd love that. Yeah.

He'd poo in straight onto a cracker. Yeah. I'd do all the different types. Blue poo. Yeah. I'd do, yeah. It'd be great. I'd love it.

Smoky poo. Honestly, if I could guarantee that it was just pure 100% cheese. Yes. I think that's my dream superpower. Yeah. Of course it is. Oh. Yeah.

So glad we have this conversation. You said poo cheese. Hey. I did, didn't I? Can't blame two little boys. I blame myself. For getting carried away. Yeah.

Yeah. I know. I should really not have done that. Well, let's move on to your dessert now that, yeah, I'm sure you feel like you'd really like to imagine the pudding now after that chat. Yeah. Yeah.

And do feel free, Mir, if you don't want anything sweet, you can have a poo board. I can have a poo board. Might as well. You know, I think I'll go for the dessert. Yeah. This is easy because I do have a favorite dessert and it's an eating mess.

Oh, yeah. I love meringue. Oh my gosh. But I hate dry meringue. I will not eat a dry, if it's flowery or dry, forget it. It's not meringue. It's got to have that chewy, not quite cooked center. Thank you.

Absolutely. And then I wouldn't want too much cream and I'm very, I've had really nice eating messes with that cream. I've had it with yoghurt, really enough, like vanilla yoghurt, or could you make a healthy version and then really nice summer fruits. And what's really nice in eating mess is a bit of passion fruit because it's a bit tart and it mixes well with the sweetness of

the meringue. My mouth's watering. Yeah. Lovely. I really love that pudding. Do you know, eating mess was invented when someone had a Pavlova in the Midlands and someone asked for a bite of it and yeah, here you go.

And then they smashed it all up. Help yourself. Help yourself. It's a true story. Yeah. That is quite brilliant rounding up. You waited, you cued it up and you went for it. And that's off, sir.

Not enough people, not enough people come on this podcast and give credit where it's due and recognize the greatness. Yeah. It is good. You saved it after the whole poo cheese thing. I'm glad you brought it back around. Yeah. That would have been an awful taste to leave in the mouth.

Yeah. It's an awful image for people. Imagine you pooing directly onto a cheese board. Yeah. The mess is nice. I think for me, so eating mess is delicious and people have chosen it on the podcast before and often gets, you know, people tear up by saying it's just objectively the best dessert

as well. It's one of the ones that people who love it just see it as why would you ever choose anything else? For me, I wish that it didn't have the word eaten in it because it just reminds me of the worst people in the world. So I would like to change the name. I think we should lobby for how to have the name changed. That would be good.

Yeah. Well, which area or institution would you like to call this? Yeah. Maybe Kettering. Kettering mess. Well, yeah. Kettering. The thing is, the mess really, wherever you change it to,

the mess seems like an insult now, doesn't it? Yeah. Because eating mess is just like, you know, a posh kid who's a bit scruffy being like, what am I like? Yeah. I'm a right mess today. Whereas, yeah, call anyone else a mess. It's like, you fucking, what are you saying about?

Is this you throwing down the glove? Are you going to call it a Stephen Graham mess? He would be in a mess when I finish it. I'll tell you what. I'm telling you it's going to get back to him. I'm just telling you. I hope it does. I tell you what.

I delivered this first class to him. That's what you get when you make fun of Romesh by Jonathan Loss. We could call it a Romesh. Oh, yes. Lovely. I like that. Lovely. I would love to call it that.

Definitely. And then it becomes something nice. Yeah. Absolutely. Would you like to put any mango in it? Because then we can call it a Romesh Manganathan. Oh, yeah. Yes, I would.

Just because of that. But also I have had mango in eating mess and it's great. Oh, good. Well, that's perfect then. I'm glad the pun and the dish worked. What we've done. Oh, what a lovely, that's a lovely meal. I'm going to read back your menu to you now.

And we'll see how you feel about it. Almost nice to hear it back. Water. You want sparkling water with ice and thinly cut slices of lime. Pop it on some bread. You chose a warm crusty roll or a French baguette with butter. Starter. Chart from Deschun.

Main course. Seafood paella from the Barcelona Beach Restaurant. Side of samfire and drink. Rose lassi. Rose lassi. Fuck. I said lassi. I can't believe it.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I definitely want to edit that out because it makes me look like an idiot. I'm dead. So sorry, James. Yes, lassi. I believe it's called lassi. Oh, thank you, Ed.

No worries. At least you know now. Rose lassi from Deschun. You want a romes mango nafen with some passion fruit as well. Yes. Yes. Very happy with that. That sounds absolutely delicious.

That sounds great. That is a great menu. Mira, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. That's a wonderful menu. Thank you very much for talking to us and I can't apologise enough about the poo board. What a note to end on. Cheers, Mira. Well, there we are, a wonderful menu from Mira.

Lovely to listen to you absolutely sign your death warrant over the course of the podcast. As if. I'll sign an A death warrant, not my own. I think you know who's death warrant I just signed. You're going down. Yeah. He's going to eat you. Oh, good luck.

He's going to take you down and eat you. Oh, best of luck. If he eats me, I'm going to beat him up from the inside from his stomach. We will all look forward to watching that, of course. Thank you very much, Mira, for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Wonderful stuff. Thank you, sir. Very delicious menu.

I do want to eat that now. Yeah, really delicious. And everyone, make sure you watch series two of code 404, Sky Original, all episodes available from the 1st of September, which means that it's already out. Yes. On Sky Comedy and on now. It's available now on now. Yeah, very clever that they called it that, actually.

It's worked out quite well for them, actually. Yeah. Do we have anything else to say, James? She didn't pick in English, I suppose. Yeah. Thank you for not picking in English, Mira. Yeah. There would have been a shock if she had, though.

Imagine if she'd just like, for a laugh, gone my main course, is a nod to one of my most famous sketches that I did with Goodness gracious me. Yeah. And maybe like, okay. Could I have the blandest thing on the menu, please? Yes. That's a lovely callback, Mira, but you do know how to leave. Thank you very much for listening to Off Menu.

We'll be back next week with another hot steaming podcast. Wash your plates. Bye. Hello, my name's Rob Orton, and I do the Rob Orton Daily Podcast. The Rob Orton Daily Podcast is a daily podcast that is quite short. Some are two minutes long, some are 10 minutes long, and they are stories and poems. And basically, all the thoughts I've ever had that I like enough to want to share with people.

And the Rob Orton Podcast is available on Apple, Acast, Spotify, all the other places where you normally get your podcasts. And on social media, it is at Rob Orton Podcast. Thank you. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by...

Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North, because look, we're

two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off, and that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glill's mum on every episode.

That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.