Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 124: Michelle Keegan

Episode Date: October 13, 2021

Brassic and Our Girl star (and Bake Off champion) Michelle Keegan picks her dream meal this week. But is she a cheat?Brassic 3 all episodes available now on Sky and streaming service NOW.Follow Michelle Keegan on Twitter and Instagram @michkeeganRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, where we take the spices of conversation, fry them in the oil of humour, until they pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, with the huddest podcast on the internet. I'm Ed Gamble, and over there is wee little James Earcaster. Interesting. Very interesting. We don't often hear your voice work in your intros. No. Took quite a little tour there, didn't we, through that? Went all over the place. Well, we just sort of went from England to wherever you think

that last accent was from. I don't like to tell people, because that ruins it. Well, it seemed like you were in America at one point. Oh, yeah. I did pop to America, actually. There was a little trip to the States. And then Irish at the end, it seemed. No, it was Scottish, but never mind. Okay. So this is why I don't tell people, because it's always a lockdown when they find out where it is. Very clever. Yes.

But, more importantly, this is the Off Menu podcast, where we have a guest into the dream restaurant, and we ask them their favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order. And this week's special guest is Michelle Keegan. Michelle Keegan, a wonderful actor. She's in the brilliant show Brassick. She's done loads of other stuff before. Our girl, she was in Coronation Street for a long time. She's got a long and varied CV, James. But, of course, something that we'll be definitely speaking to her about, part of her CV, she was on the hit show Celebrity Bake Off with

our friend, we, James Earcaster. Yeah, that's Irish, surely? No. She was on it with me, and she won. And they don't tell you who came second, third or fourth, so we'll never know. I did. But, it did hurt. You came for, I guess it was Michelle Keegan, Ryland Russell Tovey, you.

Well, that's how it read in the edit. On the day as well, right? Well, on the day everyone said their own words, you don't know who's, you know, we're all just, we all came out and we all said, no way of knowing who came second there. Who said that? No one said that. What did everyone say kind of, for it? It was you at the bottom. Everyone fought it.

Russell Tovey, Ryland Michelle Keegan at the top. You know, I mean, everyone fought on the day, it could have gone either way. No. Like, we're all on the podium. No. It's the main thing. No. It's, first, second, third is a podium.

You were fourth. Well, that's in the edit. I was fourth. Yeah. And then on the day. Michelle Keegan, and I don't like to say this, it makes me sound like a sore loser, but she may have cheated and there may have been some foul play. How do you think she cheated?

I would like to get to the bottom of it. You're going to bring this up, are you? Yeah. She kindly lent her time to come and be on our podcast. Well, I lent my time to be on Bake Off, and then I was completely screwed over by cheats. You lent your time for Stand Up to Cancer to be on Bake Off. Yes. And it actually lost the charity money, your appearance.

That's what I hear. Yeah. Yeah. I felt bad about that, but I think that's again, I think that's Michelle's fault. I think she sabotaged me. No, no, no. They said, they all said when they called, because of James A. Caster's performance. Yes.

And his bad flapjacks. Mm. I'm taking back my five pounds. Yeah. 80,000 pounds. You lost the charity. Yeah. A lot of people.

A lot of people. But again, I think I was sabotaged by Keeg's. So I'm going to find out. Right. I'm going to ask her in this episode. Well, I'll look forward to this episode then. I look forward to it. Look, this is a great podcast, which is why I think you should vote for us in the National

Comedy Awards. Yeah. Don't ask for your money back. Don't ask for your money back. I want you to go and vote for us in the National Comedy Awards. Yes. It's the big comedy awards. It used to be called the British Comedy Awards.

Now it's called the National Comedy Awards. We are up for Best Comedy Podcast, James. Yes. And I'm very excited. We're on the long list. So how it's working is there is a very long list of podcasts. You have to vote for us to get onto the short list. Then when the short list is out, if we're on that, you have to vote for us again to win.

So there's a lot of voting involved. But if you go to thenationalcomedyawards.com and vote for us in Best Comedy Podcast, we'd be mighty appreciative. See, that's what people don't understand about Bake Off, you see. If you're on the show, you know, there's four of you. All the people who didn't get on it who were on the long list, you know. So you've got to remember that's the best four. No, because you didn't have to do any rounds previously, did you?

Well, you were chosen because of your skill, your natural skill. No, you're not. And what they know is... You were chosen specifically because you didn't have any skill and then you knew it would be funny. They know this is the best four to have on Best Four Bakers. The National Comedy Awards also in aid of stand-up to cancer. Go to thenationalcomedyawards.com to vote for Off Menu in the Best Comedy Podcast category. Yes.

Please, we'd love to go to the party. Yeah, mainly we just want to go to that party and we can't go if we're not on the short list. It's pathetic. Yeah. So just vote for us and then we'll be able to get on the short list so we can go to the party and see everybody. Yes. And James will dress as a genie at the party. Yes.

What? So, without further ado... Well, hold on a second. Let's hear the Off Menu menu. Off Menu menu of Michelle Keegan. We like Michelle, but of course, if she chooses a secret ingredient, do you remember that? Yes. I just didn't want you to back out of what you agreed to.

I can back out of it now because I'm the one who remembered the format of the podcast. You got blinded by awards. No, I just want you to dress as a genie to the ceremony. The glitz and glamour of the industry made you forget the format of your own podcast. I'm not used to being nominated for awards, James. It's only since I've teamed up with you that I get nominated for awards. But then also the downside of that is because I'm teamed up with you, I'll never win an award. No.

It's a monkey's poor situation here. Yes. Everything I've wished for and nothing I've wished for. Yes. That's exactly... This is my life. Michelle Keegan. And believe me, we've never had an episode before where I've hoped so much that someone picks a secret ingredient.

I would love it if I get to kick her out. And the secret ingredient this week is desiccated coconut. Desiccated coconut. Look, I like coconut in general. And maybe I even like desiccated coconut sometimes, but I completely have certain situations where I don't like it. There are certain dishes, mainly savoury dishes where I could do without that being on there. I completely get why other people don't like it. I think it's a good secret ingredient.

Well, why do you think it's a good secret ingredient, James? Well, you seem to be backing the secret ingredient a lot. Is it because... Is it because Mr Acaster that this secret ingredient was suggested by Diane Acaster? Oh, coincidence. Acaster. She says... Acaster.

Diane Acaster. Diane. Not funny when you do it with that name, actually. I love it. Poor Diane. She'll absolutely hate being called Diane. Yep, she doesn't like it. She doesn't like anyone calling her Diane. I called her Diane once and she got really angry with me.

Yes. She was already angry with me because I'd brought the wrong evaporated milk to a cook along. Michelle chooses a desiccated coconut. She's out. And it will be ever the sweet of victory for me that my mum has helped me kick her out of the dream restaurant by choosing the secret ingredient. So, I can't wait for it to happen. Well, let's get stuck in. Here it is, the off-menu menu of Michelle Keegan.

Michelle Keegan. Welcome, Michelle, to the dream restaurant. Thank you for having me. I'm very, very excited to be here. Welcome, Michelle Keegan, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. There we are. We've fully downloaded the genie.

Michelle, tell us, first of all, are you a foodie? I am a massive, massive foodie. And I'm not just saying it. This podcast is probably my dream podcast. It's probably my dream podcast to do. Yes. Honestly, I'm not lying when I say that. Food, for me, is life.

For the moment I wake up, for the time I go to bed, I'm thinking about food. So, yeah, massive deal for me. So, what's your first thought? You wake up. What am I having for breakfast? Yeah, but normally, I do have a midnight snack. I do snack. That's when I'm quite bad at snacking.

It's quite late at night. So, I am actually probably quite full from the night before, if I'm being honest. So, the first thought for me, cup of tea, biscuits. Hang on. So, you're having cup of tea biscuits in the morning, or you're still thinking about the cup of tea and biscuits from the night before? No, no, that's my first thought in the morning.

Wake up, cup of tea, biscuits. Now, this is already, you're thinking outside the box here, because you're essentially doing what most people are considered to be an afternoon thing, first thing in the morning. Would you say that it's an afternoon thing? What does it mean? Because first northern is, it's tea and biscuits in the morning. You have like a rich tea or custard cream.

It's like, that's definitely, that must be a northern thing then. I guess so, because I wouldn't say I consider a custard cream to be a morning snack. Oh, no, Ed, you're missing out. It's fantastic. I bet it is. Wakes my taste buds up. That's it. And then I go for the savory option.

Always start with the sweet, then we go to the savory. I like this. You know, this again, I'm not lying when I say this. This question, what you guys are doing is actually my icebreaker question. Whenever I meet anyone, whether it's something, I know I'm starting a new job and it's a bit awkward in the green room. You don't really know anyone. Or you're in a car and you've got a long drive with a driver

and you're just chit chatting. This question is actually my go-to question. It breaks the ice. Now, Michelle, I didn't want to bring this up so early, but you've met James before, of course. Oh, I have. So in the green room at the Great British Bake Off, we all know that the atmosphere was awkward

because James made it like that. Did you try and break the ice with this question? It would be fair. We were quite separated, weren't we, James? Like, we had our own trailers. And then the first time we saw, like, we met each other properly was in the tent at our own stations. Yes.

So we didn't really have, you know, a communal space where I could ask that question. Because I'm telling you, I would ask that question. That question would have been asked. No, the question didn't get asked, but we were kept separate and then we all got put into the tent. And then Michelle, Michelle cheated. She cheated, didn't she?

I don't understand how James didn't win with his salty meringue. I don't understand it. I don't understand it. And when he painted prune on an egg, I mean... I thought artistically it was fantastic. Thank you. That means a lot, Michelle, actually. I've waited a long time for you to say that.

Yeah, yeah. And it means a lot to me. You're very welcome. Can you, I mean, not that I want to relive it, but do you want to remind people, because you won. You won that you got the apron at home, I assume. I did, I did. Wonderful.

And I wear it with pride. Yeah. Not bitter about it, James. Furious. He's as salty as his meringue, Michelle. He was robbed. My main aim with this episode is to figure out how you cheated and how you cheated.

Why? How and why? So I reckon we went on, because on the... It was very clever cheating, because over the weekend, you just seemed lovely and nice and friendly, and everyone liked you. And we didn't know that behind the scenes, you were cheating.

Very clever. I'll have to say, it was a definite fluke for me, because I watched that back, and I was like, how the hell did I manage to do that? Seriously, especially with those horns. Look, James, you know what I'm going to say? I think Michelle is being deliberately quite modest there. I'll tell you how you want it, Michelle.

And I've seen this episode again recently, because I showed it on E4 recently, and you won by easily being the best. That's how you won? I'll take that. Yeah. I'll take that. Sounds like cheating to me.

You baked all the best stuff. Yeah, that is cheating. You cheated in that you sort of pre-prepared and knew how to bake. I do that. I did pre-prepare my flapjacks. I think they were minty, chocolatey flapjacks. I did practice them a few times,

and I did do the showstopper the day before. What was your showstopper again? Remind us. It was the ski slope, the Morang ski slope. So I did practice that the day before, so I think it was very fresh in my mind. But seeing with me, I'm not a great baker. I'm not great at desserts.

I love cooking at home. I cook a lot. But when it comes to desserts and, you know, sweet stuff, I'm not very good at that. So I genuinely didn't think I was going to do well, but I smashed it out the park. You didn't know who you were up against. You thought you weren't going to do well,

and then you turned up, and James A. Caster was there, and the victory was sealed from that moment on. As soon as I saw him putting salt in that Morang, I was like, tic, tic, tic. That was one of my more confident moments when I saw him putting salt in the Morang. Right, the creamhorn round for me,

which was the technical round, was a blur. Yeah. The other ones, I was able to look over at what other people were doing and have a little talk about, oh, what are you baking? What are you doing? The creamhorns, I can't remember what was going on. How did you do on it? Because, like, I didn't finish a single creamhorn.

They all fell apart. Ryland was giving me a lot of tips, but I was all over the place. I didn't even register how you were doing on that round or how you found it. Well, I won it. I won that round. Basically, I won that round.

But again, this is me not just saying it. I was a mess. I've never done that before. I've never made pastry before. I don't think I've actually ever made custard before. Or whatever. Well, it was cream and custard mixed together. I've never done that before.

So I didn't know how they were going to turn out. And I think what sealed the deal for me was apparently my pastry. Because to look at, Ryland's was actually better than mine. And I hold my hands up. I hold my hands up. His was better than mine. But I think my pastry tipped it.

I think that's what happened. And since that day, I've never made pastry again. Me neither. So Ryland's looked better, but your pastry was better. Where was James in the running? Was there anything that James had that might have won it for him, do you think? Oh, yeah.

Why are you aware that I was having a nightmare at the time? No, you were. Because at the end of the cream horn, you're meant to dip melted chocolate around the rim of the horn. Where what James is signing to do, because he ran out of time, was not dip the chocolate in the chocolate.

He sprinkled chocolate buttons on the plate as decoration. Again, I'm surprised he didn't win. Quick thinking on the spot. To be fair, that's what James would do if he had an hour and a half and he was cooking at home. It was really stressful, though. Yeah, it looked awful.

I just distinctly remember James's horns being in the oven and then filming it through the oven door. And the horns just falling off the mould. It was like someone dropping a dressing gown. It was just all slipped down. Yeah, James, weren't your horns standing up straight? Yes. You meant to lie them down.

But James put his horns straight. So the gravity pulled them down. The most embarrassing thing about that is that I didn't know I'd done that long until just now when you said it. I thought we were meant to put them standing up until just now. Like, I know it went wrong for me.

But you do know where. I've never known why they slid off the thing and now it makes perfect sense if it meant to be on their sides. Did you get a lot of people talk to you about your bake-off appearance and congratulate you on your win? I did. I did. I did.

I think for my mum, that was the best thing that I've ever done. Never mind the jobs that I've had. I really did like that and whatever. But for my mum, me winning bake-off was probably her proudest moment. Well, that's good, then. I feel all right about it now.

Yes, you let me win that, didn't you? See, my mum was a cook. My mum was actually a cook. And she's really good at baking, my mum. She's one of those... When I was younger, she used to make everyone's birthday cakes in the area.

Oh, in the area? Not just family? Oh, not just family. No, no, no, no. Oh, wow. Like, neighbours and things like that. And she was... It's one of them where she tried to do it as a business,

but she just couldn't charge people. So she had to stop doing it because it cost her her fortune. Yes, she's a really good baker. So for her, she was very excited that I won. So I'm starting to think this is cheating now because you've got it in your blood. That's why you won.

That's cheating. My mum is also a very good baker and makes those birthday cakes. And so technically, it should still be in my blood as well. On paper, you should be really good. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, wait till you hear this, Michelle.

Got it. Not only is James' mum a really good baker, James' sister runs a flapjack company. Yeah. Right? You cheat. So honestly, when she started the flapjack company, which I believe was slightly after the Bake Off thing,

she had to distance herself from James because she knew it wouldn't help the flapjack itself. Yeah, that's true. Although, I've got to say, you know, sticking up for James here, his flapjacks weren't that bad. I tasted them and they were quite tasty. And if I remember rightly,

was it the Bakewell tart flavour ones? Yeah. Was that just a bit wet in the middle? Yeah. Oh, a bit wet is understandable. It was porridge. It was Bakewell porridge is what I made. Yeah, you did.

You did with a crispy outside rim. It was one of those moments after we had done that first round where everyone was going to have tasted each other's stuff and people were coming over and tasting mine and everyone's saying, oh, do you know what? That's delicious. Those are really nice.

And because I've done so badly and had so much of a meltdown, I was in that state of mind where I didn't trust anyone's opinion. Yeah. I was like, lies. They're just trying.

It's because I'm being a diva and they're trying to protect my ego and telling me it's nice. And then I'd eat it. Be like, it does taste nice to me, absolutely. No. Dude, out of all the rounds, that was your best round.

It was. So I went downhill from there. It was. It was. The flapjacks were the best bought up to me the most about being the worst thing that I did was actually my high point. Just because it was actually tasty.

Although it was porridge. It was still, you know, it still tasted nice. When my sister started the flapjack company, I suggested to her, hey, how about we do a thing where it's like a cup of like, you know, liquid flapjack and people can just walk away eating it.

You could say as a homage. She was like, no. She was like, no, I'm changing my surname. I can't be involved with you. I tell you what's exciting though. Brassic is a new series of Brassic coming out. Yes. The Great Bonito is absolutely,

I mean, we think it's a fantastic show. Great Bonito is an addict. He talks about it all the time. He loves it so much. He's very excited that there's another series coming out. What can we expect? Well, are you not allowed to tell us? Yeah, I could tell you a few things.

So there's eight episodes this time. It used to be six. Now it's gone to eight. And the last series, we left Erin and Vinnie in sort of a survey, Will They Won't May. Vinnie gets taken off to prison. And before he goes to prison,

Erin whispers something in his ear. And that's been sort of the general question that everyone asked me. Like, what did you whisper in Vinnie's ear? We actually do find out this series, what that is. It's basically fun, fast paced, comedy with a lot of heart. And I think that's why people,

so many people relate to it. People always ask me, because you probably don't remember Michelle without the moment in Bake Off when you whispered something in my ear. And people were like, what was it? And it was, I cheated. That's what it was.

You came up to me and you went, I cheated. We always start with still or sparkling water. Do you have a preference? I do, still. And I listened to, when you did a podcast with Jamie Oliver, and I totally agree with him. It just makes you gassy.

Carbonated water just makes you gassy. I don't know why people choose to drink that. We had a debate. I was on a shoot actually a few days ago. And we had a debate. What is more thirst quenching? Fizzy water or still? And it has to be still.

Oh, it's got to be still. And people are still coming back to me, saying, no, Fizzy water is. It blows my mind. Can you name names of who was on the the opposing side of that debate? Yeah, I will. Her name's Emily Clarkson.

She's hair and makeup artist. I'm going to outer now. She thinks it's better. Wrong. Clarkson, come on. I'm often disagreeing with people by saying, oh, Clarkson, that's rubbish. But it's never Emily up until this point.

It's the first time it's been Emily. I just prefer still. You can drink it throughout the day. If you wake up in the middle of the night and you're so thirsty, you just look at that glass of water and you just neck it. And it's the best thing in the world.

Aha. So you bring a glass of water to bed with you? Always, always. How big is the glass? How close to the bed is it? When you wake up to drink, how often are you waking up to drink it in the night? Do you sit up to drink it?

Yes. Do you rest to drink it while you're still lying down? This is the key point. How are you drinking it? OK. It's a pint. Yes. Not a mug, not a cup.

A pint of water. Tap water. Yes. Not a bottle of water because I don't like the noise. I don't be fully awake when I'm drinking it. That bottle is, you know, plastic noise. It wakes me up.

It scares me. It makes me jump. The noise of plastic would wake you up and make you jump. Yeah. You know, you're down it so hard. And the bottle goes... And it sucks all the plastic in. I don't want that.

That would be your wake. It's a pint for me. So that's what you're doing, is it? You're waking up in the night and you're down in a bottle of water like you're running a marathon. Oh, yeah. And sucking it that hard that it all collapses in on itself.

Like I said, I have midnight snacks quite a lot. Sure. And a lot of the time, that's something quite salty, like crisps, a piece of toast and ham on top. I don't know. Just something easy. And it's normally quite salty.

So nine times out of ten, I will wake up for that glass of water. Yes. It would probably around... It'd be about two o'clock, two a.m. In between two and four, I'd say. And I'd reach for it... Oh, I'd have to reach far.

It's probably next to my phone, which is charging next to me as well. And I would sit up and drink it with my eyes still shut. Yeah. As soon as I quench my thirst, head's back in the pillow, straight back to sleep. Yeah.

So your eyes shut the whole time. You can reach out, find the pint, sit up, drink from the pint, put it back exactly where it was, and go back to sleep. Oh, yeah. Never opening your eyes. Never opening my eyes.

That's what I'm saying. I don't want the plastic bottle. Do you not worry that one time this eyes closed approach is going to really backfire? Yeah. Are you going to just sit up with your eyes closed, reach over,

and then put your phone in your mouth? To be fair, that's never happened yet. Yeah. But no, no. I know it now. I know it too well. I know the feel of it. I know what my mouth is.

I just... I've got it down to a T. So... That's really impressive that you can do that, although James had his eyes closed for the whole of Bake Off, so... Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That was another thing I've learnt. Oh, that wasn't one. Yeah. Pop it up with some bread. Pop it up with some bread, Michelle Keegan. Pop it up with some bread. Bread.

Bread, 100%. Yeah. What I really like about the question, pop it up with some bread now, is because people know that it's coming. So it used to be initially that it was a surprise, and then it would make people jump. But now, people know that it's coming.

So James gets the... Like, I'd say, the second time I say pop it up with bread, people are like, yeah, bread, just hurry up. Like me, they said, I knew it was coming. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I knew it was coming. For me, bread and butter is the best thing in the world. Mm-hmm. That's how simple it is. I used to... I lived next door to a lady and a gentleman called Pat Martin. And when I was younger, I used to climb over their fence.

Must have been about three or four. And I remember the bread they used to give me. The thick crust one where you slice off yourself. Did you grow up in Victorian times? It was like out of an advert. It was like out of an advert. Kids wanted sweets, things like that, lollies, ice creams.

Nah, I wanted the bread. I wanted the carbs. Were you in Fagan's gang? What do you mean you used to climb over someone's fence and they would give you bread? I used to climb over Pat Martin's fence. Yeah. That's so fair.

I remember the crust was so thick. It was like a door stopper. And she used to use real butter. My mum and dad never used to have it. I think they used to just use bloody marge or something like that. Rubbish butter. But this butter... I just remember it being so thick on this bread.

And for me, that's never left me. I can't say... No, you're in a restaurant. You sat down and you're starving. You ate three meals. You had to bring over the basket with the bread in. And some people, the good people, go, no, no, no, I'm going to save myself.

I delve straight into that basket. Straight in. You've got to go straight in. Straight in. Bread and butter for me is life. I just wanted to know what it was like from Pat and Martin's perspective. They were like, oh, that girl from next door just climbed over the fence again.

Go and give her some bread, Martin. Otherwise she won't go away. Oh, she's here again. Very important detail. How high is this fence? Yeah. I remember standing up next to the fence and put my fingertips over and trying to look over

and see if they're on the drive. So it was actually quite high for a three-four-year-old. Yeah. But I climbed over it. I was able to whip my leg over. Were they giving you this bread, or did you take it off the bird table? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. No, they did. It's one of those... I was going to say, times make me sound really ancient, but, you know, when you used to leave doors open and neighbors used to just turn up and walk in and go, hello! Like, walk in.

That was just, you know, where we lived. That was just the norm. Like, my mum's door was open, Martin's door was open, and they had those... You know, there's things that used to hang down the... What was it called? The fly things. We don't like flies.

It used to hang down the beads, the beads. Yeah, in the doorway. It was like long... Yeah, the long beads. Yeah, walking, like you're in a sex shop. Yeah. Yeah, like... Yeah.

How would you know that, James? Yeah, good point. Ha-ha! That's where I live. That's where I live. James lives in a sex shop. I think they heard... I think they heard me coming

before they actually knew I was in the house. They heard me walking because of the beads, and they was like, quick, get out of the bread. Did you have any other neighbors that you would go to for food? Oh, yeah. I had Brenda and Barry, the other side. Yeah.

And they used to get me my... You know, I would say 99p ice cream with a flake. Yeah. But back then, it was 50p, and I used to get that off them because they had a little boy. So I used to climb over the other fence to go and get my ice cream off them.

Now, OK. More questions. It sounds like a little pest. It's got rats in it. Scavenging food. I love the... I've got two questions. Number one is,

did you only climb over their fence when you heard the ice cream van jingle and they went so that they would get you an ice cream? Or was it not even from the ice cream van were they just scooping it for you from their own fridge but in which case it's not a real Mr. Whippy? And also, why is one of the important details because they had a little boy?

Right, let me go through these questions. No. Sometimes it would be because of the ice cream and so forth. My mum and dad, they're not going to say yes to it. So I'm going to ask Brenda and Barry. So sometimes it was that reason. But I knew they had the soft scoop.

The soft scoop in the freezer. You know, the bright yellow one. Yeah, yeah. And they used to give me that with raspberry sauce and a wafer in there. And the reason why I say Scott is because I wasn't just climbing over fences to random neighbours and they had no children

and it's just like me, like a loafing, like, can I have some food, please? There were other children involved as well. Scott used to be like, oh, come and get some ice cream if you want. Right. So that gave me the push to climb over the fence. Talking of climbing over the fence as well,

my mum and dad used to live behind a moss, not fields. Yeah. And they used to grow lettuces, carrots, potatoes. There we go. We never used to go to supermarkets. Yeah.

I'm dropping them in. We used to get our vegetables from the moss. It's illegal. Right. I look back now and think, we were nicking vegetables off that farmer. I mean, you are painting an incredible picture of growing up in the north by the way.

Just climbing over fences, just finding food. Climbing over fences and just scavenging. Also, it's kind of a full meal, isn't it? Yeah, it is. You climb over to Pat and Martin, you get your bread before the main meal. Right. Climb over to the moss,

get a whole, like, a whole meal there, a whole seat, whatever you want, then pop over to Barry and Brenda for dessert. I just want to clarify that you are saying moss just in case anyone misheard that you were stealing cabbages from a moss. Yeah. I know, moss, moss, moss.

Yeah, moss, yeah. But yeah, to be fair, my mum and dad saved a lot of money, didn't they, when I was growing up? Yeah. Now, you were climbing over to the different neighbours. Did little Scott ever climb over to your garden for a tubful of marge?

Not that I remember. I don't think we had anything to offer that was more exciting than, you know, bread and butter or ice cream. I remember actually, we used to have a lot of turkey twizzlers in the house, which Jamie Oliver's going to absolutely hate. But we did and we had, you know,

the chicken drumsticks with the breadcrumbs on and the dinosaurs, the breaded dinosaurs. Because my mum was a school cook at my school. So she used to, again, she used to nick that and then bring that home as well. We started off with Ed asking you if you were like one of Fagan's children, and I think you were.

I think, honestly, yeah, looking like my childhood now. Yeah, I probably was. Now, if you climbed over and they were out, what would you do? I only asked specifically because I lived next door to a little boy when I was a little boy as well. And we would occasionally climb over each other's fences

and hang out. And one day, me and my mum got home from the shops and he was just in our house. Because he climbed over into the garden and then I wasn't in and he was shouting for me. And then there was a tiny little window in the kitchen that was slightly open and he climbed into the kitchen like a burglar.

He just stood in our kitchen. Yeah, really scary. No, I don't remember doing that. I think I knocked on and then if they weren't in, I'd get straight back over and go and get my turkey twizzlers. Knocked on. Knocked on is a phrase that I've only learned

in the last couple of years because my girlfriend's from Salford. I'm from Salford. Whereabouts in Salford is she from? I'll get the exact street from her when we finish the podcast. Found out, yeah. I went to college in Salford as well.

Her parents are called Barry and Brenda. Don't put me in Brendan's door, is it? But yeah, she says knocked on and I've never heard knocked on before. Knocked on. And close to, do you say close to? Like she says, oh, I don't know. I haven't seen it close to, she'll say.

Instead of close up. No, I haven't heard that one. I haven't heard that one. Give me another one. She says this is a phrase she uses a lot. Oh, James, stop being such a fucking idiot. Have you heard that one? Oh, I've heard that plenty of times.

And I use it. Well, I mean, the problem is now is that, you know, we're going to get onto the main meal again. But now I have loads more questions for this time there for Ed. Because I didn't know that there was a little boy that Ed used to play with in the garden and then they would climb over each other's fences. And when Ed wasn't there, he'd be calling out for Ed.

I want to know who this little boy was. If Ed still knows the little boy. No, I don't know him anymore. We were once hanging out on top of his shed. He had a big flat roof shed and he dared me to do a poo off the edge of it and I did it. Stop it. Yeah.

Your dream starter. Like I said, the beginning, this for me is the question that I ask everyone. So I've got my answers nailed down now. My go-to starter has to be gambas pilpil, which is the Spanish, like tap, I love tapas, you see. So it's like a garlic and chili king prawn dish in sizzling olive oil that I would have

with freshly made bread, still warm that I can dip into the olive oil. That's my starter. That's my dream starter. I love it. Sounds delicious. I love it because it's exciting when it comes to the table. Anything that's sizzling when it arrives at the table, you're like, my evening's starting, here we go.

There's a party happening. Yeah, and exactly what you mean. And the smell and the fumes coming from the, oh yeah. And it's always in one of those terracotta little dishes. I just think it looks, it looks better as well. And straight away, when you see it, you just want to eat it. Is this the same bread that you've had as your starter that you're dipping into the gas gas pilpil?

Gambas pilpil, not gas gas, gambas pilpil. You know what, change it up, let's have another bread. I've got bread for starter, we'll start a starter. Pat and Martin's bread is the starter. Yes, and this one has to be just a regular baguette, that you rip, you can rip and then dip. We need to know the order of which, you've obviously thought about the water and how you do the water.

You obviously care about the details. So what we need to know is the gambas pilpil is arriving, not the gas gas pilpil. That's for after the meal. Are you dipping straight away or are you eating the prawns and then dipping in what's left? Or are you dipping prawn, dipping prawn, dipping prawn? No, I dip straight away because I need to taste it.

It's going to be, by the olive oil, I know if that's going to be a good gambas pilpil, just by the taste of the olive oil. So I dip, dip, dip. Obviously, normally it's sizzling, so the prawns are going to be like lava in your mouth. So I need to wait for them to cool down. And then afterwards, it's prawn, dip, prawn, dip.

At the end, get the remaining bit of bread and just soak up all the goodness. Have you always been someone who uses the bread to soak everything up? Or can you remember there being a time in your life when you started mopping up stuff with the bread? Because I remember being a kid and when I started doing that, it was a revelation. What did you mop up? Was it gravy?

Yeah, whatever was on the plate. Normally gravy. And then suddenly being like, oh, this is like what, I probably saw my dad do it or something and be like, that looks genius. Yeah, I saw my stepdad doing it after I roast dinner when I was young.

And I looked and I was like, what the hell are you doing? What are you doing? Mum's going to go mad. But looking at that bread absorbed, you know, the gravy and like the mashed potato. It just looks so appetising. So then since that day, that's what I do now.

At the end of the meat, I roast dinner and mop the gravy up with bread. Just before you saw your stepdad doing that, did you see him climbing back over the fence with the bread in his hand? No, because that bread was too thick. I can't use wet that wedge. It's just normally like a thin warbitons,

thin warby sponge. If I'm in a restaurant and I see prawns or calamari or something like seafoody, smaller seafoody as a starter, you can bet in most places that they've got that right. Yeah. And it'll be good. They're always a good way to start a meal.

I always find dishes like that are the best at like family-run restaurants. You know, there aren't big corporate restaurants that have got only small, like small sit-ins. And like, there's actually a restaurant near me. You can't book. There's no phone. They don't answer the phone.

So it's first come, first serve. And it's always, always full. And it's a family-run Spanish, obviously, restaurant. And the food in there is insane. No, you can just tell it's not like batch cooked and things like that. It's just so fresh. Do you want to give it a shout out?

Yeah, it's called San Juan, San Juan in Charlton. And I went there last week and I couldn't get in. So now when I go there, please, guys, at San Juan, if I'm there, I would like to get a table regardless whether it's full or not. No chance now you've mentioned it. There's going to be queues out the door. I know.

Ah, backfired. I didn't think of that. But thanks to you though, so surely they should, they should put you bumpy up the list a bit. Are you sharing this, by the way? Well, I'm eating, no way. No. No.

Although, see, again, because I love tapas, I like little dishes. So I do like picking at other people's plates and one of those that says, no, thank you. And then someone gets it, sorry. I'm the first one with my fingers on that plate. Go, oh God, just try this. So maybe I would let someone have a prawn

if they let me have some of their starter as well. So what would be your dream other person's starter? If you're in that situation, you've got your tapas. Great question. What are you hoping they've got that you can get a little bit of? Oh, that's a very, very good question. Oh, I've got it.

Berata with parma ham, truffle, a bit of truffle there, and then again, olive oil and rocket on a plate. It's moppable. Exactly, it's moppable. Get the bread in there. And then just keep mopping everything up with the bread. Use the bread.

Oh my God, I'm starving. Absolutely starving. Your dream main course. And what I've decided to do with this one now is have side dishes. Am I allowed to do that? Well, let's hear it first. Let's hear it.

OK. We'll make the call. Do you want to cheat again? Yeah, you know what? I kind of believe this now. I was at your corner here, Michelle, but... I know. I'm trying to bend the rules, aren't I here?

Yeah. You should be like, it's black and white. You need to, you know, but I can't help it. I need to bend the rules. So, I would like really good chippy chips. Obviously, with lots and lots of vinegar. And then I want a portion of curry sauce, a portion of gravy and some mayonnaise.

Then we go back to the bread again. And I want Warbiton's thick sliced bread, thick with lure pack. And I want to make my own chip butters. Because people have chips for a side dish, don't they? Yeah. Could I just have that as a side? You could have a chip butty as a side dish.

Yeah. You would like to have... Build your own chip butty as a side and you've got a different main course in mind. Well, I've got one... I've got a main course and I've got another side. OK. And you want curry sauce.

Yes. Was it mayonnaise? Yes. That's my favourite condiment. Mayonnaise. I don't do tomato sauce. I don't do brown sauce. It's the mayonnaise.

So, it's build yourself, because no one makes them like you do, I guess, right? Yeah. Take us through the technique for the perfect Michelle Keegan chip butty. So, obviously, the bread, Warbiton's, lots of lure pack on there. Yeah.

A thin layer of chips. You don't need to go hardcore with the chips because it's going to be too... Interesting. It's going to be too much. We're talking one deep? I'd say one deep. Yeah.

One deep, and then the other piece of bread is squished on top, and then to squish it down, you flatten it, you flatten it, and then you dip away. Oh, you're dipping. I dip. So, you're not putting the sauce

or the mayo... On the chip. ...within the chip butty. You're literally making the chip butty as standard and then dipping in all three. Yeah. Dip, dip, dip. With each dip,

are you just doing one sauce? While you dip in the curry sauce, have a bite, dip in the mayonnaise, have a bite. Are you dipping all of them and then have a big bite? No.

Change it up. Change it up. Gravy, curry, eat, mayonnaise, eat, and then I'll probably do that again

in that order. Or if I really like one more than the others, I'll probably go for that one more. We don't normally take a little break and look back on the menu when we're halfway through, but I just want a little recap

that so far your menu is bread, bread dipped in something, and bread dipped in something. Yeah. You've had a big word of bread from your neighbors. Yeah. You've had some

prawns in some olive oil, but mainly you're having a whole baguette with them. Yeah. And now you are, you've got loads of bread that you're putting more carbs inside and dipping in more.

Yeah. I didn't think of that. I must be obsessed with bread. Yeah. Yeah. But I do, I love bread. I love,

I love bread. I'm like Joey, I have friends with these sandwiches, like I love sandwiches. I've got a good fact of a sandwich actually. Do you know BLT stands for bacon, lettuce and tomato?

Yes. Imagine if that's the fact that you drop by it. Bang. Boom. Drop the mic. I'm done. That's all,

leaving you in there. No. Do you know what a club stands for? No, go on. Chicken, lettuce, under bacon. Wow.

Really? That is a good idea. I assumed because it was, it was invented at a club or something. No. Chicken, lettuce,

under bacon. Yeah. How good is that? I only found that a few days ago and it blew my mind. I want a club sandwich now. I know.

Toasted bread. I want some bread. Club sandwich. At a hotel, I only really have club sandwiches at hotels that you're lucky enough that they serve a club sandwich late.

Oh. Oh. It's very rare. And every now and again. Do you get chips? Do you get chips for your club sandwich? Yes, please.

Absolutely. I do. Room service. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm going to use the club sandwich to make it a bit more extra. So what would that,

what would that make it? A club. Clubback. Clubback. Chicken, lettuce, under bacon, add cheese.

Add cheese. Yeah, yeah. Add cheese. Clubback. Clubback. That's going to become a thing. People will be asking for clubbacks. Yeah, that's definitely going to become a thing.

I'm going to patent that. So this is sounding great. Also, since she bought up how much of the sandwiches and stuff like that, recently, I've been doing some work

in, around Hoxton, and around the corner, is this place called Dom's Subs. And I have had so many subs from there. Absolutely amazing. The Grappow is my favorite.

Really like, it's like some minced kind of a pork and like really spicy loads of chilies in it. Really, oh yeah. Wet, really wet sandwich. Really wet sub.

And I've been absolutely going crazy for that. And they do these great cheese toasties that have kimchi in them, like kimchi toasties. So good. See,

I'm expecting your main course to be a sandwich now. It's going to be a shame if it's not bread based. It is on the carb train, though. Of course. It's some sort of pasta. Maybe like,

I just like pesto pasta. I like a good, homemade pesto pasta. Linguine. Of all my pastas, that's my favorite. Is it shape? Would you say,

what do you call it, shape? Yeah, I'd say shape. Yeah. So yeah, a really good pesto pasta with lots of Parmesan cheese on top. And a few chili flakes, just to give it that hum,

that everyone, the chefs say, they've got a hum in there. Just give it a bit of hum. And then on the side, and I've already done a side, I would like garlic bread cheese. I love really not just saying it.

Oh, and let me guess, you're dipping the garlic bread in the pesto. Probably at the end, yeah, to clean the bowl. This is absolutely insane. Wow. Can you guess what my dessert's going to be? Friend of his birthday?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's got to be, right? I mean, I feel like, you know, I knew today I was going to prepare myself, OK, Michelle's coming on. She beat me at bake-off. Yeah, just to try and put that out your mind. Every five seconds,

she'd bring in her bread all the time. Yeah, bake-off. I know. I'm sorry. I must be addicted to it. The reason why I've picked the pesto pasta is because I did, who do you think you are a couple of years ago?

Hmm. And we had to go... Genoa. Genoa. Genoa. Northern Italy. Oh, I'm not sure. Yeah.

Basically, that's where my ancestors are from. Mm-hmm. And there was like this little tiny cafe next to our hotel where we were staying in. And it was the best pesto pasta I've ever had in my entire life. Ever. Wow.

And I think with food as well, everything that comes with it is, you know, surroundings. This, like, how you... Giving the food, like, the member of staff if you're in a restaurant. I think everything as a collective adds to that moment.

Mm-hmm. So that, for me, for my last meal, I want to be in that restaurant with the same waiter eating that specific dish. Same waiter. Same waiter.

He was such a lovely guy. Who was the waiter? Well, I'm tagging out for this. It was like... You know, when you walk in a restaurant and there's a character that's larger than life, he was like that. Like, he was singing.

It's just what you imagine an Italian waiter to be. Remember the lady in the trap? And the waiter's outside and he feeds them spaghetti meatballs. Yeah. That was basically the waiter in this Italian restaurant.

I just loved it. The pesto thing makes good... So I always get the name of the series wrong, because it's like salt, fat, acid, heat. Is that the audience thing? I think that's the name of it. Yeah, I think that is the name of it. And one of the episodes,

they go to Italy and make pesto. Oh, yeah. And I like pesto anyway, but seeing them make it was like, I want to try that pesto. It just looks so good. And I'm very jealous you've been to Italy and had proper pesto there.

Yeah, well, apparently, the pesto is actually made, first made in Genoa. That's where it came from. So I was in the place where it first was created, which was unbelievable. Yeah. I've got no respect for that waiter

and lady in the trap. Why? Because he's serving dogs, and he's like playing accordion to dogs and stuff. Yeah. I just think your priority should be human customers if you're a good waiter.

Get back in the kitchen, please. Yeah. And I'm not going to eat at that restaurant if I see the waiter fraternizing with, let's be honest, stray dogs. Oh, no, see, that's my dream. That would be me. If I worked in a restaurant,

I'd be at the back feeding stray dogs. Let's face it, judging by your childhood, you'd be the stray dog. I don't know. I don't know. Imagine being the boss of that restaurant and looking out the window.

You think he'd get sacked? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. That waiter should have been sacked immediately. Yeah, he'd be sacked immediately. He'd do a double take. Help the safety. He'd be like,

what the fuck? He's playing the accordion to him and everything. He's eating a whole plate of spaghetti and meatballs. He's set up a table for them. He's lost it. It's gross.

Yeah, he's gone mad. And then he talked to him, and he's like, they're in love. The two dogs are in love. You're like, oh, God. Just after you've got to get help, man. The dogs are in love.

They're not in love. I like the meatballs you've eaten. Did you not see the meat with the bit of spaghetti all the way to the middle and they kiss? They're fighting for it. Dogs are fighting for the spaghetti.

Yeah. We might have met in the middle because they're fighting for each other for the last strand of spaghetti. You can't do this. I'm prepared to allow this exercise, and I'll tell you why. The pasta is very plain, simple pasta,

which I'm aware is meant to be. That's the best stuff, is the simple stuff. But you've a very modest dish. And just because you've chosen another, yet another bit of bread, I think I want to allow it because I just want to,

if this was a real, if I was sitting here watching you eat this meal, I would want to see how much bread you're really capable of having. My body could take before it burst. This is a cheesy garlic bread. Yeah.

Yes. So is this from a particular place? Is there somewhere that's your favourite kind of cheesy garlic bread? There's a good Italian actually near me called San Giovanni, which I always get that as a starter. I think the thinner the bread

for this one, the better. So it's like a pizza base, homemade, really thin so the edges like just crisp. And again, it has to be the right amount of garlic and the right amount of cheese and they just get it so right

in that restaurant. Do you want to see proper bits of garlic on there? Or do you want it to be just of garlic butter that's been soaked on it? The one that they use is like garlic butter,

but it's been like, I don't know, I think it's grated. There's bits of garlic there, but it's not sliced garlic so it's not overpowering. But you can definitely feel the texture of garlic

on your tongue because it's very garlicky, which I love. I love garlic. I put garlic in everything when I cook. Yeah, got it, right? Got it, like,

every time I make broccoli, garlic, chicken, stuff it with garlic, everything. Yeah. Morang. Bread and butter pudding, garlic.

Yeah. Why can't I say, why can't I say bread and butter, why, I can't say it. Can you not say it? You said bread too many times today.

He's done you a quarter. Yeah, yeah. Your body's like, stop saying bread. Yeah. Bread and butter. Try again. Bread and butter pudding.

I'm struggling. Yeah, yours. Bread and butter pudding. There we go. Now I have a question about this side, this build-your-own chip buddy because you've got

a bowl of pasta in front of you. Yeah. You've got some cheesy garlic bread on the side. Yeah. And then you've got a full build-your-own

chip, like a portion of chip shop chips with a loaf of warbitons and you've got all the dips and the lure pack.

Yeah. So when you're, how are you dividing your time? Are you just eating all the pasta with the garlic bread, and then you're going on

to the build-your-own chip buddy? Or is the build-your-own chip buddy also getting like, are you going back and forth between that and the pasta and the garlic bread?

I think I'm going to go back and forth because I probably will be quite full eventually. I think so, yeah. Yeah. And I want to taste

everything. So I think the first thing that I'd have is a slice of garlic bread and cheese because I don't

want the cheese to get hard. I still want it to be hot and when I pull it away, I'd have the slice of garlic bread and cheese first

and then I'd probably have a chip, just one chip, not the butty, just a chip. Yeah. And then I'll go into the pasta

and see if it's actually really good. I like to swizzle the fork. That's how I eat the pasta. I don't like, I don't get

why people spoon it. Yeah. Yeah. Surely if you eat spaghetti or linguine, you twizzle the pasta, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. Then I'll do the butty. Yeah. But I won't eat the butty the whole thing. I'll just have a bite of it and keep going back to that bite.

Have the bite, put it down, then move on again. I've really thought this through. I've really thought this through. No, this is a level of detail we genuinely appreciate. Absolutely.

I'm all about the detail. Here's what would happen to me in this situation on a diet diet. I would get tempted to make a pasta butty.

I knew it. I knew it. 100%. No. I'd be all over that pasta butty in a heartbeat. You know what?

Like fold it over, get the bread and fold the pasta. Yeah, I'd do spaghetti, chips, curry sauce, mayonnaise

and gravy and got like bread all in a butty. Oh my God, this sounds unbelievable. Guys, my mouth, I'm starving.

This is like torture now. This is torture for me. That sounds unbelievable and I've never tried that. I'm going to try it. And when I do, I'm going to send you a picture just to prove that I've done it.

Yeah, do. Please. Please do. I would want to make little mini pasta butties just with the garlic bread. So I want to have

two slices of garlic bread with pasta in between and make a little slider for myself. Oh yeah. Oh God, that sounds great as well.

So I'll say, you know, main connoisseurs as yourselves, would you say that's a good main? I think that it is

undeniably and categorically insane. Especially with the chip butty. With the build your own butty involved. Yeah. But I totally get it.

Yeah. I totally get that. It's not always a case of you choose the things that are meant to go well together or the things that are, you know, that you would have on a normal night.

Dream meal. These are my favorite things. And I just want to have them all at the same time. Yes, all together. That's exactly what it is, James. And the thing is, we don't need to give me

a whole portion of chips. We don't need that. Just give me a handful. Also, I, the genius of it for me, I don't normally like a chip butty, if I'm honest.

Do you know? But I've never considered just going one layer because when I think about chip butties, they're piled high with chips and you've got the bread on the outside.

It's too much. But now, I really want to try a one layer chip butty. One layer. Because you can taste the salt and vinegar, you can taste the gravy,

you can taste the butter, like the thin, oh yeah, it's just honestly, is a game changer. I'm, like I said before, I'm a picker.

I like picking at food. So, more choice for me, the better. I always say that we roast dinners. As soon as I get a roast dinner in front of my, in front of my face,

there's a big, big plate full of food. I don't know what happens but I'm just not hungry. I'll have one spoon full and I'm just like, no, I can't do it.

But if it's a roast in a buffet, you can help yourself and do it yourself. I can eat the whole plate, what I've put on the plate. Interesting. It's like psychological. It's really weird.

There's a thing that we have in our family and we have it like, like a weekend, like a Friday or Saturday. And it's called a bits table. And we have all our favourite foods,

like we have a baked camembert, we have parma ham, salamis, shirritsos, again, garlic bread, breaded mushrooms,

cheese board. We have all it laid out in front of the TV. And you know, everyone has a takeaway. We have a bits table. That's our treat for the week.

And again, that's where I must get it from. Like that's, I've had that all my life where Saturday night, we have a treat night and we have a picky table. And I think that's why I love

picking food so much. So the bits table you've done your whole life. Yeah. And it's always been called bits table from when you were a little kid. Always.

My grandma did it. Bits table. Sunday morning, go round here for breakfast, but it wasn't really breakfast. It was just lots and lots of food and lots of plates.

Like a buffet. It's so interesting because anyone else saying that, I'd assume they've gone to the supermarket, they've bought loads of bits and they've organised

and I'd imagine all those bits have come from just everyone in the local neighbourhood. You've just gone around nicking food for all the neighbours. That's why it's a bits table.

Yeah. You can point it a bit and say the postcode of where you nicked it from. You're not wrong. It makes sense. Dream drink. Am I having a drink

for every course or is it just one drink for the whole meal? You know what? Yeah. We did our dream menus on this podcast for the 100th episode

and because a lot of people had come on, mainly chefs, had chosen a different drink for every course and we completely allowed it. So we really wanted to make use of that

and we did it as well. We had a different drink for every course, me and Ed. So we can't tell people they can't do that. Okay. I would like,

before I start anything, have a pina colada because I can't have a pina colada while I'm eating because it's like a bit of dessert. So before I even

have the bread, or actually, when I get my still water, I would really like a pina colada with that as well. So I can wash it down. Is that before the bread?

That's before the bread. So you're quite pissed when you're climbing over the fence. Yeah. Before I come over the fence, I always had a pina colada. Yes. That's what gave me

the confidence to do that. See? I came in confidence. Before these five courses of bread you've got coming up, you'd like a pint of cream. That's what I was going to say.

This is a big swing. I'd have a pina colada but I like it to be, like James said, a creamy one. I hate when it's been made and it's like juice. It's not the real one.

Yeah, absolutely. It's not real. Here, here. Absolutely. Thank you. I had one the other day actually and I just refused to drink it.

No, it's wrong. It's not pina colada. It's pineapple juice with a bit of coconut froth. I think as the meal progresses, I don't like fizzy drinks. Like I don't like fizzy water. Gatsy.

It doesn't quench first. It's just rubbish. So I won't have anything like that. You know what I'd have while I'm eating? A nice orange cordial. It's an easy drink. It's an easy drink.

I've never known anyone in any situation to go from pina colada to orange squash. Wasn't what I was anticipating. When you went, you know what I'll have? I was like,

I'm half expected to say butter beer. I thought there was absolutely no way. I thought butter beer. I thought butter beer as well. I thought butter beer was coming up. Yeah, it's the closest to being able to drink bread, isn't it? I just don't like drinking

loads while I'm eating, especially what I'm eating as well. I need something to help me, you know, wash it down. And it's just easy drinking cordial. And I like just orange cordial with ice in it. So I'd have that.

And then after my main, that's when I go on the heavy stuff. That's when the cocktails come into play. So pina colada doesn't count as a cocktail or heavy? No, that's an amuse-bouche. That's an amuse-bouche. There's a line in the stomach

before the bread hits it. That's what that's doing. So then I'll go on the heavy stuff after my main. And I think I'd actually go for a really nice picante. You didn't like that. Both of you didn't like that.

I can tell. I love a picante. Yeah, fine. I absolutely love a picante. Delicious. Okay, that's a good... I only just started getting into that this year.

Was it this year? Beginning of this year? It's the first time I tried it. And I absolutely loved it. You know what I think is? Because it's got that savory sort of taste. It's got the heat.

It's got the heat. Now, hold on. What is this? It's basically a margarita, but with chili in it, right? Yes, it's tequila, lime, and chili. That's it.

Yeah, the only reason I looked blank, was because I didn't know what it was. But absolutely sounds delicious. It's gorgeous. I don't like anything... Like, obviously, I like my pina colada. That's... take that out of the equation. I don't like anything too sweet, like a...

I don't know, like a porcino, martini, or anything like that. I like it quite clean, but it has to have something... I don't know something about it. So, for me, picante has to be my top choice as a cocktail.

I think it's a great choice. Now, I love a picante. So, you've got picante. And is that for the rest of your... You just want that... Because all we've got left is your dessert now. So, is that, like, with your dessert? No, I think with the dessert,

with the dessert, I'd like to have a really nice, oaky, vanilla-y chardonnay. Out of all my friends, I'm the only one that actually drinks chardonnay, because I don't like pino grigio, and I don't like sauvignon blanc. I just find them really, like...

I can't explain the... You know, like, quite tangy. Hasidic. Yeah, really acidic. With chardonnay, I found a really nice one from Majestic White. I mean, I'd say this, by the way. Yeah.

Yeah. Called bread and butter. Oh, no, fuck off. Oh, my God! No! Michelle. Are you joking? Michelle.

Oh, my God! I love it when you think about... Oh, Annie's locking up. Annie's locking up. Something's wrong. No, something's very wrong with me. Something's very wrong. It took me a second to click,

because I was like, I think I've heard of that, but hang on, what? What? It is! Google it. There's a chardonnay called bread and butter. Yeah. And it's really unique.

It's really okay. And it's one of the nicest chardonnay. Now, it all makes sense. It all makes sense. I like it so much. Yeah. That is incredible. My friends always say to me that chardonnay

is like an old person's drink that was massive in the 70s or something. No one drinks it anymore. Yeah. Enter keegs. Yeah. I like it. Love it.

Enter keegs. Anything with bread and butter on the label, I'll have it. So we made a joke that you were going to have bread and butter pudding, and we were like, oh, God, imagine. But instead, you're having bread and butter with pudding. I can't believe it.

It's awesome. You were nearly right. What is for you dessert? This is a difficult one for me, because I'm not a dessert kind of gal. I am. Okay. Feel free though, Michelle.

If you don't like anything sweet, you can probably have something savoury for dessert if you want. Shut up. Ed. I feel like, I feel like, I would always say I have a cheese board, but again.

Listen, listen, listen to me. No. If I was beat on bake-off by a cheese board motherfucker, I am going to absolutely flip the fuck out. Michelle, Michelle, if you want a cheese board, and just imagine what you can have with a cheese board, you can have a bit of extra bread. If I was beat on bake-off by Sony,

doesn't even like desserts and sweets, and made a bunch of bakes that they would rather, if I swear to high Christ, if you choose a cheese board right now, this is going to be the most I've ever flipped out on this podcast. Michelle, Michelle, just don't be guided by James. If you want a cheese board,

you can have a bit of bread with it. You can add the wine. You're having wine. Wine is so lovely with a cheese board. Well, that's what I mean. Yeah. Wine and... Lovely cheese board.

Good. And that is something. If I was in a restaurant, and I had to order a dessert, it would be a cheese board. So, this is your dream meal, Michelle. So, you should have what you want, really. The fuck?

You've just eaten a fucking bakery's worth of bread. What the fuck are you going to have a cheese board at the end of it? You have what you want, Michelle, you know? Michelle? Very hard. Very hard. But I'm going to have good instincts.

I'm going to have a cheese board. Oh, you absolute piece of shit, Michelle. Yes! You... You suck! You suck! You suck! You suck, though!

That was the worst day of my life. That was the worst day of my life. Are you fucking joking me? Whoo! Beat me up. I'm going to... I'm going to have my instincts. You cover my fucking podcast.

You've got to go on instinct. It took a lot for me to agree to have you on this shit. I opposed it many times over. Many fucking times I suggested having you on. I said, there's no way I'm letting her in the dream restaurant. She beat me. I'm making her pretty sure she cheated. But you come in here and you choose a cheese board

as your dessert. What the fuck? I hope your bits table catches on fire next time you have her. Next time you all sit down and have bits together. Well, no, because my cheese board will be on it, though, James. My cheese board will be on that shit's table. What is a cheese board if not a lovely little bits table? Fucking God.

Jesus. Again! It's what's not to like salty, savory, love cheese. It's a dessert. Bits. There's bits. There's bits. It's a little bits table.

Why don't you just make a cheese board when you were on Bake Off, if you love it so much? Why don't you just present them with some cheese and crackers at the end and say that was your happy place? What sort of cheeses do you want, Michelle? Let's talk through the cheese. Oh, Jesus. Fuck it.

Oh, I'm angry. I'm burping. I'm so angry. I've never burped out of anger before. I'm crying. That makes two of us. I literally was just going to go with another option, but I was like, I have to be true to myself.

I have to be true to the listeners. What is the matter with you? I don't need to be true to you guys. It would be a cheese board. Just eating bread for every single course, and then you have some crackers at the end. But I said at the beginning, I am a savory gal. I like my savory, salty foods.

And at the end of the meal, I like to have a nice sip of wine with some camembert. Yes, absolutely. A lovely camembert. This is horrible. It feels horrible. Delicious. I'm getting beat on Bake Off by a savory gal.

You're not going to get over this, are you, James? There's never going to get over this. Bake Off was bad enough as it was. It was scar enough and traumatic, and I've had to live with it rattling around in my head all the time, somewhere in the background. And now I know a savory gal came out of the mixer making cakes and pastries.

And I wear that apron with pride. When I'm eating my cheese, I'm wearing that apron with pride. What's even better about this is you started with a pina colada. So you obviously don't mind. Just to really rub it in. Really sweet drink at the beginning.

I love pina coladas. When I went on Drunk History, I drank loads of pina coladas. Delicious. That's a sweet boy drink, that is. It is. Started with a pina colada. Looks like we're okay.

Oh my, I did not see this coming. It feels horrible. Look, I know I've got to let you chat about the cheese board with Ed now. Yeah. But I'm so, I'm absolutely furious about this. You're raging, James. All the signs were there. Michelle likes to end her day with some ham on toast.

See? Some crisps. She's a savory. That's how she likes to finish off her day. She has to drink water in the night because she's had so much sauce before. See? You know me already.

I knew this was going to happen. You knew it was going to happen. It was always going to be a cheese board. Always. Seated from the beginning. Michelle, what cheese, what cheese is? Oh God, okay. Would you like on the board?

Here we go. Here we go. I'm going to, I'm going to check my emails while you do this. I love it. I love it. Right. What cheeses? I like camembert.

Lovely. I like, I tried this one the other day. It was gorgeous. It was a truffle brie. Oh yes. Love the truffle brie. Oh yeah. With the little, the like the layer of truffle in the middle of it.

Oh yes. That's delicious. So good. And you don't put it in the fridge. That's a trick. Just let it sit out. You don't put brie or camembert in the fridge. No, you put it in the fucking bin.

So bitter. I love it. I love it. For someone who loves sweet stuff so much, he is rather bitter. Yeah, he's so bitter. But yeah, you leave it to room temperature. That's how I like my brie and camembert. And then I do really like, you know, that smoky cheese.

Is it apple wood or something? Yeah. Apple wood smoked cheese. Yes. Delicious. Simple. It's a nice and cool smell. Even more savory, if anything.

Yeah. Exactly. Do you know me so well now? I love it. Getting on like a house on fire for two years. Like a really creamy gorgonzola. Oh, lovely. Really sort of punchy, punchy blue situation.

Yeah. And on the side, I'd like some quints. Oh, so there is a little bit of sweetness there. That's probably enough sweetness for a dessert. Absolutely not. It's disgusting. Quints jelly. I love quints.

It's a traitor. It's a traitor. A little bit of chutney. Is that a traitor? Oh, lovely. That, yeah. Nice and sweet. And then some rosemary sprigs.

Now, what are you doing with the sprigs? I sprinkle them on top of it. If I have a cracker, I put a bit of camembert. Sprinkle like two or three sprigs and eat it that way. Can't believe my... If you haven't tried it, you need to try it. Raw rosemary. Really?

Raw, honestly. Raw rosemary, yeah. I'm going to do it. Just two or three. That sounds absolutely delicious. Just some cheese. Oh, so good. There's a question for you, Mrs.

Michelle. You're a fan of visiting Trafalgar Square? Yeah, I've been there a few times, yes. Yeah. Well, good news. Go on. I'm about to throw you into Trafalgar Square. Like a piece of bread.

What I do? Anybody on this podcast? The good thing about Michelle is she can link anything with bread. Oh, God. Look, he can't even look at it. He's really upset. Anybody who comes on this podcast who chooses cheese board, I throw them into Trafalgar Square, no matter where they are geographically.

I have mine throwing you from Chulkin. The thing is now, you've thrown so many people into Trafalgar Square, we're having such a nice old cheese party in Trafalgar Square now, mate. I know. It's just all the cheese people. And winners as well. Cheese people and winners, which James, you are not. I'm climbing over Barbara and Barry's fence.

I'm going to be gorging myself on 99s that they've given me. Brenda and Barry. Whatever their names are. I'm getting all their ice cream. I'm going to go over and they're going to go, what is it Michelle can mount here anymore? So I'll tell you why. Because she likes cheese boards now. And they're going to go, I hope she fucking dies.

That's what they will say. Bit much from Brenda and Barry, I think. Yeah, actually, even I think that's over the line from them. There they are, Brenda and Barry. I apologize for that, Michelle. God. I was out of order for Brenda and Barry. Right, James, read Michelle her menu back.

OK. Right, Michelle, I'm going to read you your menu back now. This is always the worst of readbacks because I know where it's headed. I know what the final destination of this menu is. Here we go. You would like some still water. Pop it onto your bread. You would like pattern Martin's bread and butter.

Starter, you want gambas pill pill with freshly made baguette, still warm and olive oil. Of course, pesto linguine from the restaurant in Genoa. With the same waiter and a side of garlic bread with cheese. Your official side dish is a build your own chip butty. Really good chippy chips with salt and vinegar, curry sauce, gravy, mayo, war buttons, fixed-size bread with lure pack. Drink, you want a pina colada pre-meal, durian meal, orange cordial, after your main, pecanti,

and with dessert, bread and butter chardonnay. You would like to get thrown into Trafalgar Square with fresh rosemary sprigs dumped on top of your head when you're face down in the fountain. Can't believe this. Oh, that just sounds perfect. Cannot believe it. I'll tell you what, this has put me in a bad mood now for the day. It's ruined your week and it totally changed.

And if you know it's mine, mine has as well. I'm sort of more open, I'm perky, I'm ready to attack the day. I'm going downstairs, I've got some cheese in the fridge, Michelle. Here we go. What cheese is it? I hope it's not Bree in the fridge and I hope it's not Camembert in the fridge. No Bree in the fridge. I've got a lemon citron tart in the fridge and I'll be eating that.

Oh, no, all kinds are wrong. James. What's your problem? Lemon citron. It's too tangy for a start. Too citrusy. And there's nothing to it. And what's really frustrating about that for you is she could make a really good one as well, James.

That head. You've hit the nail on the head. That's what hurts about all of this stuff. She'd make a really great one. It'd be delicious. It doesn't even appreciate it. Michelle, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. I'm sorry you've ended up in Trafalgar Square.

It's been lovely to speak to you. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you so much for having me on, guys. I've actually loved it. Thank you, Michelle. I hope a series for you, Brassick, is an absolute failure and no one watches it. Hope to see you again soon, James. Hopefully in another baking competition.

Oh, man. Well, there we are. Another wonderful episode of Off Menu. Perfect menu there from Michelle. Thank you so much for coming on, Michelle. James farting out of anger now after you burped out of anger. You really are a disgusting little boy sometimes. The burp was one of the most awful things I've ever seen.

Yep. It was like an obnoxious, horrible little burp, like a bully. Yes. Like a bully from MacArthur. Well, it's not as disgusting as having a cheese board as a dessert, is it? No. So that's my objection. That's why I'm displaying how disgusted I am.

Let people know how that makes me feel. There'll be loads of people listening to this podcast who are absolutely with me and probably burped in unison with me when that happens. No, no, no. No one burped in unison, mate. No one's ever done that. Just wait us if you burped in unison, guys. Hashtag I burped in unison.

Yes. At of menu official, hashtag I burped in unison, let us know. Or hashtag I farted with joy. Yeah. That's how you vote whether you like cheese boards or not. Hashtag I burped in unison or hashtag I farted in joy. Great Bonito will count them all one by one and we'll let you know the winner next week.

And you have to say, hey, Mr. Bonito, I've got a reaction for you, oh, and then the hashtag. Yeah. Which again, I'll remind you, hashtag I burped in unison, hashtag I farted in joy. And she didn't say desiccated coconut. That's what we need to remember, James. Yeah.

So we couldn't kick her out for that, which was really annoying. I was hoping that that would be there right at the end when that horrible cheese board was being detailed and cataloged. I thought, just say, and I'll have a little cup of desiccated coconut, please. So I can kick you out. Thank you, Michelle. I really enjoyed that episode. And don't forget to watch Brassix series three, which is on Sky.

And you can get it from now, their streaming service, all episodes available now or now. Fair enough. Do watch that, actually. It's stupendous. Now, if you enjoy that sort of thing, don't forget to vote for us in the National Comedy Awards. Go to thenationalcomedyawords.com

and vote for us in Best Comedy Podcast. And when you've done all your votes, they'll send you an email. You have to click on the email to confirm your votes. Don't forget to do that. Really? Because we, yes, we need to go to this ceremony. We want to be on the shortlist. We want to go to the party.

It'll be a lovely Christmas time for us. Even though it sounds more complicated than voting in an actual election, just please do it so we get to go to the party. Yes. I can't stress enough, there's 30 podcasts on the long list. If we get knocked out at this stage, it'll be like going out in red light green light.

But let's face it, if we were in red light green light, I mean, I'll be the first one out. Yeah. Straight away. Who would be? A wobble. Bang. Yeah.

I'd be the happy old man. Yeah. You would be the happy old man. Benito would be the big doll. Yeah. He would be shooting everybody. Finally getting what he wanted. James, I have a vinyl out.

It's a live stand-up comedy vinyl that I recorded at the Black Heart in Camden pre-pandemic. That's right. Everyone make sure you get Ed's amazing vinyl for his show. I can't hear you above the splashing of my neighbor's dick blood. You may struggle to hear me above the crunch of my enemies' skulls.

It's a beautiful thing. The cover has been designed by my friend, a wonderful designer and tattoo artist Ian Sellar. And it's a beautiful thing. You can go to edgamblestore.com to buy that. There is a black vinyl version and a blood splatter vinyl version, limited edition. Also, go to edgamblestore.co.uk and book tickets for my tour,

which starts in February 2022. It's called Electric. And I'm really enjoying getting it ready for you. Please buy my things and come to my things and vote for me in awards, and I'm so desperate for love. I think that vinyl looks so amazing. I think it's so exciting. Like, even if you're listening to this and you think

Ed is a shit comedian, you should still buy that vinyl. It is an absolute work of art, even if you're like, I can't stand Ed Gamble. Also, what I would say, if you can't stand me as a comedian, but you think I can be quick and funny, we wanted to do a proper live show. It's a lot of crowd work. I think it's properly like, it's a proper live,

a live environment comedy show. So go and get that. One of the best in the biz when it comes, Ed will tell you what are the quickest wits around. Material dog shit. But don't worry, there's not a lot on there. But come see my tour for some of the dog shit. Thanks for listening to the Earth Many podcast.

We'll see you again next week. Goodbye. Bye, bye, bye, bye. If you enjoyed this podcast, can I interest you in a totally different podcast that's not about food and doesn't have James A. Caster or Ed Gamble, but I would say is quite fun.

No, thank you. Oh, okay, not to worry. If you change your mind at a later date, it's called Nobody Panic. Right. It's hosted by me, Tessa Coates, and my friend, Stevie Martin. Which is weirdly me.

And we tackle all kinds of things. How to stop saying sorry, how to poo, how to break up with someone, how to quit your job, how to relax, how to have a conversation, how to deal with unrequited love. A smorgasbord of things. Absolutely.

We have a nice time. People seem to like it. If you like, you can come and see what all the fuss is about. All that fuss? What's it called? Nobody Panic. You can find it on all of the podcast apps that you would imagine it would be on.

Please have a listen. Thank you for watching. If you enjoyed this podcast, don't forget to subscribe to our channel. See you next time. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu,

where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case...

Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here. We're here.

Sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners, sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny.

Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Gladell's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian?

It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.