Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 126: Jack Dee

Episode Date: October 27, 2021

Welcome to the dream restaurant Jack Dee, we’ve been expecting you for some time! The legendary grump orders his dream meal, but don’t tell Jane. Jack Dee’s new book ‘What’s Your Problem?’ is published on 28th October. Order it here. Follow Jack on Twitter @therealjackdee. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive. Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations). Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the rice pudding of conversation, putting it in the microwave of good chats, heating it up until the skin forms on the top, and then we take the skin and we eat that, and that's the podcast. What's that? Huh? What's that there? Nothing, buddy. You're doing a good job. I'm really proud of you.

Thank you. We're the skin. We're the skin on top of rice pudding. We're the skin on top of the rice pudding. Yeah. We're not the main rice pudding, though. No, no, no, no. What's that? I don't know. The rest of the podcast. All the other podcasts, the delicious rice pudding, and we're the skin on top of it. We rise to the top. We rise to the top, and the fun don't stop. My name is James A. Caster.

And my name's Ed Gamble, and we are skin. We are skinny boys. We invite a guest into our dream restaurant. We are some of their favourite ever-started main course desserts, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is... Jack Dee. Jack Dee. Jack Dee. Jack Dee. Does that mean name? Does that... Does that name mean anything to you?

Well, that's exactly how I wanted that to go. Oh. Yes, it means a lot to me, actually. National Treasure. We're in National Treasure territory again, are we? Yep. Get your shovel. We're digging for treasure. We are indeed, although I think Jack's just coming in on the tube or whatever. Yeah, we're not digging him up. Yeah.

Not today. He's indeed a National Treasure legendary comedian, Jack Dee. He's also written a book recently, James. Written a book called What Is Your Problem? Nothing, mate. I'm just trying to talk about Jack Dee's book. Very good joke, from Ed. Not long before I'm a National Treasure, you'll be digging me up soon, because of that stuff. I will be digging you up one day, because you will be a National Treasure. That's going

to be fun, you know. Digging me up. Well, just when my mates become National Treasures, that's going to be a good laugh. Yeah. When they go from just being my mates to National Treasures and then I'm friends with National Treasures, that's going to be fun. But don't forget, you'll be a National Treasure, too. I'll be a National Treasure, so I guess it won't seem as big a deal to me, but like,

I mean, you know, Josh, what can we know now? It's like, related to Henry VIII and stuff. Yes. So, like, maybe that means he'll be a National Treasure before the rest of us. He's already got royal blood in him and stuff. Boring. Yeah, it is pretty boring. If you saw that, who do you think you are? Poof. I tell you what, people said it was jaw-dropping. I was like, yeah, my jaw dropped when I did a big yawn.

Yeah. And you know what I said? That my jaw dropped when I did a big yawn also. Yeah. And that, Josh, anyway, we like Jack D, but we want to kick him out of the Dream Restaurant if he chooses an ingredient that we don't like. The secret ingredient is called here on Off Menu. And this week, the secret ingredient is... Grated mozzarella in a bag. In a bag. Yes, grated mozzarella in a bag. Specifically, I don't like any pre-grated cheese, James,

it's all covered in a weird powder. I don't like it. Yeah, I don't like any of them. Mozzarella's the worst because it's so delicious. Usually, yes, we talk on Off Menu podcast a lot about how Baratta has kind of like, you know, nudged it out with a ring of late, but still, you know, if I'm making a caprese salad, I think I'd rather have mozzarella. Yeah. So, you know, I wouldn't want grated mozzarella on there. I can't even imagine, if you're making your own pizza, surely, you want to put some fresh mozzarella on there yourself.

You don't want to grate... Sure. ...put a grated mozzarella on there. What I would say is that sometimes you do want the sort of slightly harder, more rubbery mozzarella for a pizza. Sometimes, I don't know, it melts differently, but never the great pre-grated. And Grated Mozzarella in a Bag was a suggestion on Twitter from BexPS. Bleasdale!

Yes, indeed. BexPS or Bleasdale. Yes, for short. One of the two. Well, if Jack D picks it, and Jack D's talked about pizza before on his stand-up, I saw him do a whole thing about frozen pizza, but he said he hated it. Ah, OK, so we might be safe. We might be safe. We'll see. We'll see, yeah. So, can't wait to have Jack in the dream restaurant, so let's open the

doors now. It's the off-menu-menu of Jack D. Welcome, Jack, to the dream restaurant. Thank you very much. Nice to be here. Welcome, Jack D, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Well, it's amazing to be here, and it's so hard to book a table here that I'm glad I thought in advance and booked the table before you even started the podcast. You did. When did you book it again? Remind us how long ago it was?

It was about 2014. Yeah. When I knew you guys were going to be in town, and this whole thing was, you know, in the mix and a possibility, I just got a hold of your people, and, you know, we breakfasted, and I said, please count me in. So, when you breakfasted with our people, how far in advance did you have to book the table for breakfast? That was about four months before they agreed to that. So, you know, I put in the legwork

to be here today, and I know it's going to be worthwhile because, you know, I've eaten in some of the best places in the world, and they always say, but have you done off-menu with James and Ed? And I said, not yet. And they said, well, you wait. I do have a restaurant. That's what they say. That's what they all say. You know, all the big chefs, Blumenthal was saying, oh, they have got some tricks. I'm excited to be here. What art you say you've eaten at the best restaurants in the world? Have you got like a top three? Have you got a number one?

When I say I've eaten at the best restaurants in the world, that's a lie. You looked absolutely horrified when James started to ask a follow-up question about that. It was for the purposes of keeping that little bit going. I lied about that, but I'm happy to have lied, and I've eaten in some nice restaurants, but I don't like posh restaurants very much, not very much. I've done that thing a couple of times where you think, oh, yeah, let's go to that one, that restaurant that was on Telly, and it looked amazing, but you go and it's all very, all so clever and all that, but I don't know. You know, I've got

this thing in those restaurants where, what I like to do, you know, when they're over attentive, and they bring the starter to you, and they tell you what it is, and they point with their little finger as well, at their stuff, and it says, yeah, you've done a little bit of foam, and then about 20 seconds later, they come back and say, is everything fine with your meal? But what I've cracked here, because I know what to do, is you just go, yeah, it's all fine. And if you do that, it deflates them, it puts them in their place, and they say, oh, we're

not as good as we thought we were. There's no, because if you said, oh, I don't like it at all, they could go, he doesn't understand it. Yeah, totally, totally. Yeah, but it's all right, is I understand it, and I think it's all right. Yeah, I don't think it's okay. I think, frankly, I think you've wasted your life doing this, but I'm going to eat it anyway. And that makes you feel good when you do that?

Look, it gives me a more peaceful experience at the restaurant. So I don't want to be asked every 20 minutes. I don't want to reassure the guy all the time. You know, I think, you know, you grow up, you chose this profession. You don't need me always telling you how good it is. I think I've said this on the podcast before, but my dad, if someone is overattentive with pouring wine or pouring the water, within the first 20 seconds of them doing that, he'll go, just leave that.

I'm going to do that. I've got that covered. I like your dad. I'm with him on that. I think he's exactly right. You just think, oh, leave me. Or you take a sip of the water and they're back. Yeah, oh, that's the, what is your problem?

Yeah, that is the worst, when it's one sip and then they top it up and they look at you as if you're meant to be like, you're really on it. You're amazing. Oh, thank you. This is amazing. This is a glass of water that never gets any emptier. Would you be fine on its own if there's a glass of water that replenished itself by magic? Then I would be telling people about that restaurant, but this is not what happens.

You've got someone coming to the table wanting you to have marathom for being so diligent and that's not why I'm there. I'm there to eat a meal. I think you would really get on with Ed's dad. I feel like you'd have a lovely meal together in absolute silence, with no weight as daring to come over. I think it'd be great. Sounds about right to me.

Sounds about right. So you're not like a massive foodie then? Look, I'm not massively into going to every restaurant that I hear about. That is not really my bag, but I do love food. I love food and I spend a lot of time thinking about food and I can cook. Even when I'm on the road, I make sure that I eat fresh food. I never eat fast food. I can't do it anymore.

Once you stop, you can't go back to it. I remember a standard routine of yours about frozen pizza. Do you remember that? No. What did I say about that? Absolutely. You loved it. It was a video that me and my brother used to watch a lot.

It was the one where you wear the orange suit, I think, when you say that you look like a Sainsbury's manager. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I know that. I remember that too. I can't remember the frozen pizza, but... My favourite line of it is you said how much they've nailed it and you do a thing of pinching

yourself and going, am I in Rome? Pinch your own leg. Yeah. I think about it every time I have a frozen pizza. Yeah. I've never heard you do an impression of me before, but that was... Spot on, wasn't it? I had to pinch myself to...

Yeah. While you were pinching yourself to do that, to think, who am I looking at? Yeah. He's good at impressions. It's a mirror. I'm very good at impressions, actually. Yeah. No, I know because I have heard this podcast, so I know you have a talent.

You have a gift. Yeah. It's something you can do and you use it so well. How about you, Ed? You do impressions? What do you want me to do? Can... I do everyone.

Yeah, you do everyone. Can you do... Everyone does... Can you do Michael Crawford from Some Mothers Do Have Them, which is going to alienate your demographic? Yes. Yeah. And what sort of things did he say?

He used to say, mm, betty. Ooh, betty. Ooh, betty. Not mm, betty. Yeah. Like a mop. Oh, right. Yeah.

He used to say, ooh, betty. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, betty. The cat's done a whoopsy muslip. The cat's done a whoopsy muslip. What the fuck is this show? You've got a book out.

That's exciting. I have. Yes, I've got an impression of a book out. Yeah. It's me being an agony uncle and helping the country with their issues and dilemmas, giving advice, being, you know, people turn to me in the time of crisis that has happened all my life. Mm-hmm.

And this last year has been no different, so that's what the book is called. And it's a real letter. It's for real members of the public. They are. They were, they were fielded and brought in by the publisher. The publisher did a mail out. So in as far as you're actually still a member of the public, if you're on a mail out list from a publisher, then that's, that is the case.

Yeah. How would you describe your advice style, Jack? I think it's down to earth. I think it's a kind of take it with a pinch of salt type of thing, step back and maybe see if you can laugh at the problem as well for a bit and don't take yourself so seriously. And it's sometimes I feel people, we live in a culture where everyone's hugging each other. And I think, I think that needs to finish.

I think we need to, I think we should slap each other more often. Yes. You know? Yeah. I think a slap is, brings you back to earth. Yeah. And in a way, this book is a slap round the face if, if, if there was ever a literary version of that.

Do you want to name some people that you've slapped in the past? Give some shout outs? I've, yeah, I've given that, I've given the pretty hard slap. There was a, an ice cream man who came down our road much earlier than he should have. And, and I had a bit of a, to do with him and he actually stepped out of his ice cream van. Yeah. Now, have you ever seen an ice cream man, not in his ice cream van?

Because they, they, they, it's just a different thing and he's not in his right environment and I found it, I found it threatening. And it's a flight or fight moment and I, I, I chose to fight. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And so he, he got a slap. Yeah.

What I call a 99. Yeah. Yeah. And that, that sorted it. He hasn't been around since. Yeah. You wouldn't come back again. No.

If we gave you some of our problems, would you be able to agony uncle us? It depends. I, I, I, I've since there might be some pretty heavy issues going on. Well, we could give you problems that we've already solved. Oh, right. And then you could tell us, and if, you know, you see how close you were to the actual solution. That's almost like a trip problem then. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Go on. You go first. What was yours? I mean, that's a hospital pass, isn't it? You set up the premise and then pass it to me first. Yeah.

You've absolutely dropped me in it there. I know what you should do though. What? You should have put it up. What? I'm not going to ask Jack about my penis operation. Just ask him to describe your symptoms and see if he will get the answer right. All right.

Okay. I didn't hear any of that. So I don't, I've got no clues or anything. Jack, I'm so sorry. Yeah. This is the first time we've met each other. Yeah. And James has forced me into this position.

All right. And I don't imagine this is the sort of letter you got from, from the people on the publishers mailing list. Jack, and there's already been a solution to this. I don't want you to worry too much. Okay. I've got quite a tight foreskin. Right.

Apparently you're supposed to be able to sort of pull it all the way back. Yeah. Yeah. But mine doesn't really do that. It just sort of stays quite tight at the end. Like someone's, like almost like someone sort of tied a back, you know, like a carrier bag. Oh my gosh.

Yeah. Ah. Yeah. So. The trouble is when you tie a knot in a carrier bag, you can't really use it again. No. So that would be difficult. I think you need to, you need to, well, that needs a snip, doesn't it?

You need to go get it done, go, that needs a small operation. Yeah. And I think that needs, that needs, you know, scissors and clean scissors. How much should he chop off the entire end or just the foreskin? To be kind to Ed, let's talk in percentages rather than measurements. Yes. Yeah. So I think, I think probably we're talking the top 10% needs to be trimmed and then,

and then I, and then I think you can expect it to be a slow, a slow recovery. Yeah. But that would, that I think is what would sort, I mean, it's a very, is a very common point. So your advice, Jack? Yeah. Now, James, your turn. We start with still a spark in water.

No, your turn for a problem. Huh? Your turn for a problem. Hmm. Okay. Ask Jack about your depression. Oh yes. Jack, do you have still a spark in water?

Every time I'm, you know, I like a sparkling water because it's good for your digestion. I tell you, I've had very bad heartburn in the past. This is just, you know, boring, but true thing. And I actually find sparkling water is the one thing. So I, I, I have a small tin of sparkling water nearly everywhere I go in case I get heartburn because it's something comfortable. So I've got them in the glove compartment of the car. I've got them on my bedside table.

I've got, you know, I've got one in my desk, drawer, at home, sparkling water. So that was always what I have. You would not think that something fizzy can sort out heartburn. I don't understand why it works. I don't understand why it works. It doesn't help with penis problems, but it's a magic cure for... I don't know if it did. Yeah.

Yeah. I suppose you could use a can. Pour some sparkling water on your penis. Yeah, in a way. Yeah. Yep. Could do. Could do.

There's the problems away. So that's, that's how we got, we got back to dick jokes from... Not bad. Still all sparkling. Not bad stuff. So, right now, how many cans of sparkling water have you got stashed in different places? Probably seven or eight. Wow.

At least. Yeah, seven or eight. Do you remember where they all are, or are you sometimes in a situation, like when you find a fiver in your pocket, you're just like, oh, there's a can of sparkling water in there? I've got them so strategically placed that I'm so used to knowing that they're there, but I do it. And it's funny enough, I don't actually get heartburn that much anymore.

The sparkling water's there because, you know, I'm no fool. I know that these things can re-occur, and then I don't want to be caught out. What brand are you going for every time? All right, if you, if you, if you were to put me on the spot brand-wise, you can get small cans of Perrier, you know, not the bottles, but the... And the reason Perrier is very fizzy, and it seems to be the fizzy thing that makes it work. And with the CO2 shortage is going to be a problem.

Sure. But... You scared about that? You worried? Well, I am a bit. But then CO2 is a weird thing, isn't it? Because it's got this kind of split personality, because in one way it's just used for making fizzy drinks, which is a lovely thing.

And then on the other hand, it's used for shooting animals in the head. So where do you go? Well, what's with CO2? It's a strange thing, you know? And not many elements in the universe that have got that brand dual personality. Yeah, there's not many things I can think of. Yeah. But it used for shooting animals in the head, but also quite nice.

Actually made for a nice party drink. Yeah. Also, Perrier, did you win the Perrier? Oh, well, thanks for bringing it out. I didn't. I was nominated, though. I was nominated. Okay.

Sorry. I thought you had won. No, no, no, I didn't. But I was nominated. That's why they only gave them the small cans. Yeah, yeah. You always get the small one. Yeah, yeah.

Who won? Oh, some bloke called Frank. I forget his second name. And another bloke was Eddie, anyway. But it's all past history now, but it doesn't matter. Yeah. Pop it up as well, Brett! Pop it up as well, Brett!

Jack, did he? Pop it up as well, Brett! I think it would probably be bread, because maybe it's discriminatory for me to say that pop-a-dums don't suit other food. I love a pop-a-dum when I'm having curry. It's got to be a go-to, but I haven't planned to eat curry at this meal, so it'll be bread. Do you like curry, though? I love curry.

Do you like the smell of curry, Jack? I like the smell of it when I'm cooking it. Do you like the smell of curry when you're performing, when you're on stage? Oh, I know where this is going. I know where this is going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know that Ivo Graham, right, is a comedian? Yeah.

He's a right bastard, and he was doing my support on a little bit of a warm-up tour that I was doing about three or four years ago. In fact, no, we were sort of spitting the bill because we were both trying out new material, but technically he was my support on that. He'd done the support in this little theatre in Hayward's Heath or something like that, and then I was on stage doing my stick and talking and having a... And I could suddenly smell curry, and I thought, what's going on? And I said to the audience, anyone else smell curry?

I looked in the wings, and what it was, was Ivo Graham had set himself up with a little table and a full bloody curry while he was watching my show from the wings, and he's telling that story like it was a good thing that he did, without realising, you know. And then another one, he didn't even turn up on time, so I ended up being his support at. Yeah. Yeah, so I warmed him up, and then he arrives like some, you know, some big diva with a big fur coat on, and you know, and I had to sort of get the train home while he had a great time with the audience, so I just warmed up for him.

You didn't think to order a takeaway and eat it at the wings? I should have thought if I'd been quick enough thinking or vindictive enough, that is exactly what I would have done, but I didn't, no, but he's, yeah. I believe actually, according to Ivo what you said, you didn't say, can anyone smell curry, you said, can anyone smell cuppa soup? Ah, well, I tell you why, I would have confused that, because nearly all theatres backstage smell of cuppa soup. That's right, that's such a good observation they do.

They smell of cuppa soup and microwaved, ready meals that the crew get ready for themselves. Christ knows what their colons are like, but those places stink of that stuff, and it's partly why I can't eat it, I cannot eat that stuff. Can't eat cuppa soup. Can't eat any of that stuff, it's got all that, all those dry ingredients in, any of that powdered garlic and stuff, it makes you feel sick to smell it. Some of them have got little dry bits of sweet corn in as well. Ah, yeah, well, you know, anything that also appears in a turd is not what you want on

your plate, is it? Have you ever tried cuppa soup? I have tried one, back in the long, long time ago, and no one will know this, but there was an actress called Thora Heard, who, a very old lady, and she used to advertise cuppa soup, and I thought, okay, fair enough, if you put yourself out to say it's nice. So, I'll try it, and I did, but I didn't think it was as good as she said it was on the advert. But you trusted it.

I trusted it. It was Thora Heard. Never again. You had one cuppa soup. Yeah. So, bread, let's get on to the bread, because I was so eager to talk to you about Ivo eating a curry side of stage, that we got distracted somewhat. That was a race, by the way.

Yeah, I know. As soon as Jared said poppadoms, I was like, right, I'm going to have to ask about the curry. So, what's interesting is neither of us mentioned that we were going to talk about that in this episode, but we both knew that it was going to come up. Yeah. It's like competitive interviewing. We never had this before. Yep.

Is that part of this? What kind of bread we're talking? Well, I mean, I do like, obviously, I like proper bread. I love chipata. That's probably my favourite, or possibly for catcher sometimes, and depending what I'm going to eat. But I made bread in the past. I made bread a bit.

And I'm one of these people, if I start doing a thing, I get into it. And then I sort of said, oh, I know, I'll always make our bread now. I'll never buy another loaf of bread. And, you know, this will be my thing that people don't know about me. And it's, oh, you know, Jackie never buys bread. He always makes his, oh, does he? I didn't know that about Jack. And then, but after that month, I got so fed up with it.

It was so, it's so repetitive, you know, so repetitive. And I tried the sourdough thing. And again, yeah. Have you ever tried making sourdough bread? I've not. I keep thinking about it, and then I look up how to do it, and you have to get the starter and all of that. To get the starter.

There's a baker's near us that does a really nice sourdough. Yeah, exactly. Why put a nice baker out of business? Yeah. Just because you want to show off to your friends. Why not better to say, I've got a nice baker out of the road, and I've got some bread from him. Rather than, oh, look at me, I've made some bread.

So what's the starter? What's that? Well, I'll be, I'm surprised you've not asked if I've got any allergies. Oh, yeah, yeah. In a lot of restaurants, they do that now, don't they? Yeah, that's true, in the allergies. Yeah. I mean, have you got any allergies?

No. Okay. But you like being asked? I like being asked, because it's part of the experience. Hang on. You're asking about the sourdough starter? Yes. You're not asking for Jack's starter?

Yeah, you guys mentioned you have to have a starter for the bread. Good spot. Yeah. So I was asking what that is. Oh, okay. So, well, sourdough bread is made, you begin the process of making bread, instead of adding yeast, you add a bit of live bread dough into it, and that contains the rising agent in it.

And you try to do that? Yeah. So you have to keep it going in your cupboard, this starter. And then you've got to keep feeding it with water. It's like a pet, right? Oh, it is like a pet. It's like a shit pet that you keep in the cupboard, and you feed it every day, and then, and I overdid it, and the lid had come off, and it was all coming all off the shelf, and I'm

just blurring out like a sort of, but no, I had to take it to the vet and have it put down on the house. It was the kindest thing possible, you know. So, before we move on to your starter, do you have any allergies? No, I don't. No. No. So, you know, when you leave here, you have to have acquired an allergy.

Right. What one would you, of all the allergies, what one would you most like to walk out of here with? There aren't that many cool allergies. Are there? I wouldn't mind being allergic to something like, like, like, like, plasticine. Right? I'm just saying, I can't go near it.

I can't have it near me, so if you know plasticine. Because you don't want to go near plasticine anyway, right? That's a convenient allergy, because no one is really going to have plasticine with them unless you go to a creche or something. That's not going to happen. So, you could live with that one, but other ones are just a nuisance, and it's just a way of people, it's attention seeking. Yeah.

That is in my book. Yeah, yeah. You know. How much attention do they get when they've, when they've got an allergy? It depends how ill they get, you know. I'm not saying I'd ignore them, you know. I would help, but I still think it's, you know, really, did you have to? Well, they're there, they've all ballooned it up.

I know, yeah. Come on, did you have to? Yeah. It's like slapping them. It spores the atmosphere. Yeah. But no, I've no allergies, no. So, you're a starter, you're a dream starter.

Dream starter. I think I'm going to go for, I like oysters. I do like oysters, but Jane, my wife, doesn't, isn't that keen, but we've come up with a solution whereby if you can grill the oysters with a delicious bit of, you know, little bits and pieces on top of it, you can improvise really, but a nice bit of breadcrumb, even a tiny bit of garlic, some tiny chopped up chorizo or something like that, you can do that. And, or you can do the more classic ones with, there's a spinach one you can do, you put a little bit of spinach on top and grill it.

And it's, then it's delicious, you know, it is a very nice thing. I like, I like an oyster, I like them raw really, but I would do that for my starter. Grill them, just not too much so that the actual meat of the oyster is still nice and, you know, succulent is very delicious, is very good. Variety, all the different combinations you just mentioned, would you want all that on a tray? I might do that, yeah, I might, so I actually do it at the table in front of my guests. Well, yeah, you could, I mean, look, if you want, this is your dream meal, but if you want to cook your dream meal, you're very welcome to.

I might, I might, I might have a table side raclette, you know, like I can, so I can actually just do it at the side of the table. You really don't want the waiter to come over at all, do you? I would rather they didn't, and then, and then I can do it all and serve it up at the table, but little bits of that would be very nice. That would be, I think that would be a classy starter. Would you like to shuck yourself? I could, I can do my own shucking, but I wouldn't mind them already open to be honest.

It's pretty hard, shucking is hard, yeah. It is quite hard work, and I wouldn't, you've got to hold them right and then get the, there's always a chance you could, you could, you know, put the knife through your wrist. And then again, that's, that's a, that's a vibe killer. Yeah. Yeah. Attention to the restaurant, isn't it? It's like muscles that are like that.

I've very put off ever ordering muscles. Are you? Sometimes like, forget it. Yeah. I heard you, I heard you saying that because you, you, on another version of this podcast where you, you said you weren't into the muscles. Yeah. I mean it.

And also like once, I was at a restaurant and you sat down and on the table already was a jar of pistachios. And it was, it was just the, the menu, you didn't order stuff. So they bought, you know, bought you whatever. Yeah. And it was muscles. And at one point I was there with muscles and pistachios on the table. I was like, how strong do they think I am?

Open all this stuff. Well, pistachios are the vegan muscles, aren't they? Yeah, they're vegan muscles. Little tiny vegan muscles. Yeah. I haven't gone that way, but yeah, you're right, you're right. You're strong to open a muscle. No.

They're already open, mate. Do you use one empty muscle as a tool? That's what I was told to do. Oh, really? Yeah. Use them as a pincer. A pincer. No, I don't do that.

No. No. Will it be covered in all the sauce? No, no, no. And no, once it's, once you've, once you've kind of got it clean, you can just use it as, as a lovely little, little thing. And that's, that's a proper, that's a proper life and life. Yeah.

Well, you're tired because you don't do it right. You've, you've gone the wrong way around with it. You know, you're, that's why you're struggling. Yeah. For muscles, but they taste nice. Don't you think they taste nice? Yeah, I do, but not nice enough that it's worth the effort. Oh, right.

Okay. Yeah. I want it to be like worth the effort, you know. Yeah. I feel the same about prawns in their shells sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I would go, I don't mind doing a prawn in the shell, but then there's, you get, you know, crab and lobster where you're actually having to get hammers and proper tools in to do it. Yeah. That is, that's hard work, isn't it? Yeah. And if you're someone like, not like us a lot, but if you're someone who like, you know,

works as like a mason or something like that. Yeah. It's a busman's holiday, isn't it? Yeah. You're there to have a nice evening. Yeah, you'd be able to do it. But I'm, I'm, I'm very adept at all that. I'm good at it because I've worked in restaurant kitchens in my past life.

So I've prepared all that stuff. You burned a man's hand. And I had to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Did you know that? No. Jack once burned a man's hand, scalded his hand with boiling hot water.

Because he asked for a finger bowl. Yeah. But asked for it by clicking his fingers at me. Yeah. Oh, right. Fair enough. You won't be clicking your fingers again tonight. I would never, ever click my fingers at a waiter.

I use the muscle shell. It's much easier. Yeah. You just click it together. Like a sarcastic action. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You mentioned your wife, Jane, a minute ago. I did, yeah.

Who you talked about a lot when you were in Big Brother and how much you love her. Yeah, yeah. Is that still the case? Yeah. Yes, it is. She's gone the distance. We've been together since 87 or something. 1987.

And then what year were you born? 85. 86. Okay. So yeah. So a long time. That is a long time. Now I'm talking to people who were babies when I met her.

Yeah. So that's, that's cool. And so no, I think she's probably a keeper. I've come to that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool.

How much do you love her, you reckon? Yeah. Sometimes there are times where you think, well, I don't know, is this, is this worth it? Can I, can I really keep this out forever and ever? Is that what we're into? But you know, it's a funny thing, isn't it? You know, love, you can't turn it off. Can you?

Yeah. You can. Maybe, maybe, maybe some people, maybe they can. These are genuinely the sorts of questions that James asks outside of the podcast as well, by the way. When his friends start going out with people, he will start asking them about love as if he's an alien. Yeah.

Yeah. You're in love, are you? Yeah. What does that feel like? Yeah. You're like Spock or something. Yeah. Doesn't understand human emotions.

But really wants to be involved. Yeah. Yeah. I like hearing about it. Do you think that encounters with people like Ivo Graham, you described as a bastard. Yeah. Do you think that, that helps you like really appreciate how much you love your wife and what a good relationship you have?

Yes. Yes. Ivo Graham. Yeah. And realize that, you know, that's the other end of the spectrum. Yeah. You've got, you've got people you love at one end. Yeah.

And then you've got people like Ivo Graham at the other end, who eat curry in the wings while you're trying to entertain people. You know, completely beyond the pale, really beyond redemption. Yeah. So yeah, it does. In a way, it is a yard stick. You can measure your love for someone by what you consider, what you think about Ivo. Yeah.

Ivo proximity. Yeah. Yeah. It's what it's known as. We all do it. What's the main course that's following those up? I love, it's probably my favorite dish, probably is confit duck, confit duck. That's what I like, confit.

So you know what that is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Go for the listeners who don't know. Quite defensive the way you come out of that one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. Don't know. Don't come for you. Yeah. Just because I'm from Kendall. Don't pick up Kendall. I'm from Kendall. Kettering.

Kettering. Yeah, yeah. It's not material about Kendall as well, though. Kendall win cake. I have got Kendall, but I did Kettering as well. Are you impressed by how much I know about your career, Jack? I'm quite. Yeah, yeah.

I've known about the finger bowl. Yeah. I've known about the frozen pizza. I know about your Kendall win cake. I just didn't even remember the frozen pizza. Yeah. I'm always getting asked about material. I just don't remember it.

But once I stopped doing it, I don't remember it anymore. It's a thing. It's gone. Kendall win cake routine. Kendall win cake. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you halfway up a mountain and you've got your Kendall win cake? Yeah. That's how you say it for your great teeth. Yeah. Yeah. Are you at the point now, Jack, where you've done material on everything you've ever come across though? I imagine I probably have.

I've done whole routines on stuff. And then remembered that I actually did that routine 20 years ago. I haven't written it at all. I just remembered it. You're plagiarizing yourself. I know. Oh, wow. This is coming.

This stuff's flowing out of me now. It's gross. I should jog my memory more often. But yeah. Do you still not like Kendall win cake? Kendall win cake is just a lump of minty sugar. That's all it is. It doesn't deserve to be called a cake.

It's not a cake. It's nothing to do with cake. If you went on Bake Off and said I'm making Kendall win cake, they'd say that doesn't count. It's not a cake. And you'd never get the handshake from Paul Boywood. You've done that, haven't you? You did Bake Off.

I did Bake Off, you know. Yeah. Did pretty well. Did you watch James' episode of Bake Off? I'm afraid I didn't, no, because I was out that night. What happened was it? It went pretty well. Yeah.

Yeah. And they make worse stuff of sugar though on that show, don't they? Yeah, they do. Oh, they do. Yeah. I mean, they make some ripe cac, don't they? They come up some ripe rubbish. Actually, in my show at the moment, I do a whole thing about Celebrity Bake Off.

I do. Yeah, because I've been asked to do it a few times and I've just, I don't know, my, the routine is about why I don't, why I won't do it. You won't do it. But you did Celebrity Bake Off. That's more of a commitment, isn't it? That's partly why I won't do it, because I learned, I learned early with all that stuff is don't do stuff with the word celebrity in it, really.

That's basically what it is. But you didn't, you nailed that. I did, yeah. But I was, in a way, I was kind of lucky because it was the first ever version of it. Yeah. And Big Brother was a novelty and the first celebrity one was a novelty and it was for Comic Relief. And so I almost treated it like a sping in a sitcom.

You know, think of everyone as a character. Think of yourself as what character are you in this? And just play along to that. And, you know, all the other people just sort of did their thing. I don't remember what else was in it. No, no, no. But you escaped the hell off spainlessly. I remember you escaping, yeah.

Do you think you could escape the tent if you went on Bake Off? Do you think you could escape the tent and they wouldn't notice? It depends what the security's like because it can be quite, it can be surprisingly quite quite harsh. But I got out of Big Brother quite easily as it happened. It wasn't difficult. And they, you know, it is enclosed, but I did find a way out. So it's one of those things.

And probably if I was on Bake Off, I think I might have some sort of, I might have a Stanley knife in my back pocket so I can cut the tent open and just get out, just get out and run. I wish I'd thought of that. Yeah. This duck confit, confit duck. Yeah. You just described the best one you've ever had to the listeners?

Well, I think the thing with confit duck is the dish that is duck, it's duck leg and basically and thigh that is cooked very slowly in fat. And the reason for doing that is that you can preserve it into a jar and keep it and eat it in the winter when there aren't ducks around or whatever. I was with you all the way through that description. I let myself down there. Oh, there are no ducks. Never mind.

I got one in the jar. Yeah. But that means therefore it is a dish that is, it's a preserved dish as it were. So actually the ones that you can buy, if you buy in a nice food shop, you know, even if it's in a tin or a jar, glass jar, confit duck, that's almost the best I've had really, some of the good ones. Yeah. So it's a thing I do at home quite a lot.

Right. And has he added benefit that you can lie about it and say you did it? And people say, oh, how did you do this? I got the recipe. I'll send it to you later. But it's, that is a delicious thing. I love it. So it's really slow cooked like and you're very slow and tender.

It's incredibly tender and melt in the mouth. I love it. Do you think you could catch a duck if you had to do something like make your own duck coffee? Yeah. I might, I might be able to catch a duck if it was in a small enough room. Yeah. Yeah.

How big of it would talk? It's like slightly bigger than a duck. Slightly bigger than a duck probably. A squash core? Not in a squash, but I wouldn't have a chance. I would not have a chance. Because they can stay above you, can't they? Yeah.

You can do that. They've got that. It would have to be a low ceiling, very small room. Yeah. Where there's basically nowhere to go. A portaloo or something. A portaloo possibly, but then that's not very appetizing. But yeah.

I suppose with a squash core, if I had a squash racket, I might be in with more of a chance. Yeah. Yeah. You know, some squash courts have that viewing gallery. Yes. They could escape through there. So you'd need to lock that down for you. And then you're done for it.

Yeah. You're not ever going to get that. They really taunt you. The duck could get up to the viewing gallery and just watch you from the gallery. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Now I can't believe we're all doing it now. Yeah. Yeah. What if you, here's a question for you, Jack. What if you went down to the pond to catch a duck or whatever or you're looking at all the ducks and you're thinking about comfy duck and everything. Yeah.

Yeah. And one of the ducks went, duck, duck, duck. At you. Yeah. He said, jack, Dee, said your full name. Yeah. Yeah. How would that affect the rest of your day?

Do you think you would go and tell people about it? Do you think you would worry that you were crazy and that maybe you just imagined the And would you enjoy Comfy Duck as much the next time? Because people would say to you, Jack, it probably just said quack. Yeah, yeah. That's why I'd probably keep quiet about it. I think I just think what happens is I would just file that under things that never happened and then just move on from that moment.

Do you even tell Jane? No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't tell Jane. I wouldn't tell anyone. I would keep that to myself. I go to the grave with that. A duck said my name out once. So would it affect the next time you have Comfy Duck, would you like it as much?

Because obviously you can still remember when the duck said your name. It's an interesting point, isn't it? And it might slightly haunt me, really, if I felt that what I'm eating had once actually wanted to start a conversation with me. Make it difficult for you. It would. I wonder what else he would have said. Yeah.

I now want to ask you different things that animals could do to you and wherever you would tell Jane about it. So if a rabbit waved at you with its little paw and did a little nod as it was waved, would you tell Jane? I wouldn't because Jane takes those things too seriously. She'd want to know which rabbit, where was the rabbit? And I'd have to go into all the details. And I'm not good at chatting, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. I said, look, that's all there is to it. There was a rabbit waved and nodded. There's nothing more to say. I don't know any more about the rabbit than that. So that I would find difficult. So that's why I don't say much because people always want to know a bit more. What if a horse opened your car door for you?

If that happened, I mean, well, no, I wouldn't because I think she would find, well, why was a horse opening your car door? And I'd say, well, I don't know why. I don't know why that happened, but it did happen. And then, but she'd want to go, she'd want to get to the bottom of it and find out what actually happened. And I'm just not good at, I'm just not good at that. I'm not a detailed person.

I'll just say, look, it happened. Just take my word for it. You don't need to know anymore. Neither do I. That's just as well because I don't. So you can't imagine a situation where an animal would do something out of the ordinary to you ever told Jane about it? I don't think, I think I'd keep it all to myself.

What if it was a pet that was in the house and you could even say to her, it was that goldfish right there? I suppose if it was a pet, I might kind of tell Jane as an observation that the goldfish waved at me with its little paw and then nodded. And that was a nice moment. And she said, oh, did he? And that's nice. It's worth keeping the goldfish for that.

I'm very excited that you've chosen duck confit, confit duck because I do love duck and I think it's underrepresented on this podcast. It is underrepresented. And I don't think we've had a confit duck. We haven't. It's the first time that dish has been chosen. Oh, well, I'm pleased about that. Dream side dish.

Yeah, dream side dish really would be something like, you know, those little, I think I think it's called Pompomentier where you got the little cubed potatoes that are fried with bits and bits of lard on and stuff. That's a very nice thing. It's just quite a rich thing to have with it. But if I wasn't being indulgent, it would be something like, you know, green beans. And I love green beans. I'm going to say that.

Yeah, I like a green bean. You can do everything with them. They're great. Have I had them squeak in your mouth? They do squeak in your mouth, don't they? Yeah, I hate. Horrible. You don't like it?

Horrible. That puts me off a green bean if it squeaks in my mouth. A nightmare meal for you would be green bean, halloumi and the mice. I love halloumi, but the squeaky element does put you off. And then if the mice were there as well, and then some of them scraping their nails down a control board and then like moving a bit of polystyrene around as well. I've got a problem with like forks on plates and stuff. I don't like that.

But it doesn't bother me with the green beans. If you cook them like the French cook them, they cook them for quite a long time. So they're much softer and they put a lot of butter in the water with it. And then they've got, they're very succulent and not squeaky. The butter lubes it up to an extent that the squeak goes. It does, yeah. I never heard, I thought I'd hear those words in the same sentence. So you like things that are cooked for a long time?

Oh, well, let's jump into conclusions, James. Why are you so dark, the bean? Oh, okay. All right. Yeah. But the really, the oysters are, I like, it's a flash. You just, you basically just show them the grill. Yeah.

So I like, I like that French way of doing it, partly because, especially if I'm in a restaurant, I don't want the chef to, to go any, you know, have any shortcuts. Like that's when you get your squeaky beans. And that's because he just couldn't be bothered to cook them long enough so they don't squeak anymore. And that, that annoys me. I don't mind the squeak, but it annoys me that they're squeaking because it's a lazy chef. Do you complain? Have you ever complained in a restaurant?

I've once, once or twice, I suppose. I've said, like, this isn't quite right. This isn't what I want. Fetch your fingers? Yeah. No, never click my fingers. Never click my fingers. My wife once did.

And then that, and we had to leave because it was really long time ago. And we're having this meal in Bristol in a, in a sort of gastropub place. And we're surrounded by other punters and everything out there. And Jason, that's not very nice here, is it? I said, no, it's not. It's the food's not very good. And, and I said, no, I'm sorry about that. I'm going to try and find somewhere else.

And then the next thing she literally just said, the cook's a cunt. And I looked up and, and she was just eating as if nothing had happened. And everyone was looking around and couldn't see who'd said it. And I, because I started going to, I started eating as well pretending I. But she, she did that and she might deny it, but she did say that. And after we come out, I said, what'd you do that for? We'll just, you know, I just needed to know what it would feel like. So you know, you know, I never looked over and saw you.

By that point, you were. Well, the great thing was everyone was looking everywhere because no one knew where it came from. You know, it was just, I respect it. Yes, anyway. Oh no, I don't, I respect that. So we're going with the, with the cubed potatoes or the, or we're going with the slow green beans for your dream size.

I think that could be very good, very good meal. Yeah. Yeah. But which, which one are we going for? Oh, I'm going to go for the, because, because it's a special occasion. I think it'll be the potatoes. Yeah. Potatoes. So they like their cubed potatoes with lardons.

Yeah, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're sauteed with lardons. So they're crispy. They're like little mini roast potatoes. Nice. And they're beautiful. And you've got the, the flavor of the lard on or whatever we have with it. It'd be really nice. I feel like it's a shame to not give Jack the beans as well.

Yeah. Because think about that, how that, that round meal, the duck and then the, that would be nice. Luxurious potatoes and then the green. That would be nice. Yeah, yeah. I'll go with that. Yeah.

You described each dish so nicely that I think giving you those, you know, it's nice to know. Kind of the thing I'd like to eat those. So yeah, happily bring them over. Where's the best place you've had this potato? Was this potato thing got a name? I think it is Pompoment. Yeah, I might have got that wrong.

I might be getting my, because there's so many potato dishes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's just everything, POM, everything, you know, there's POM Parisian. Maybe it is. I can't remember. POM Bear. POM, you could be.

POM Bears. Yeah. Or POM, POM POMs. I don't know. It could be, could be any POM. I probably, if there are, if there are people who know what it is, who are listening, they'll, they'll say, no, you're wrong, Jack. Or they might say, yeah, you're right, Jack, if that, if I am right.

But that, that, so that's, I really should have looked that one up. But that's what I would like. Where I've had it is, it's a classic sort of brasserie dish. Do you know what I mean? Where you go to a nice brasserie. The origins of that is French. And that is a, that's exactly the style of food I love. French.

Well, French brasserie, you know, I don't want, I don't want it to mess around. I don't like food that looks like it's being put on the plate with tweezers. And, you know, it looks like all the chefs have had their fingers on it. You know, because you have to, you know, oh, that's very nice. It's all in a towel. I wonder how you got it in a towel. What, you see, you imagine all, to get it in a towel, all the chefs come and they're held a different size.

All their little fingers. You watch MasterChef, they're all touching everything. They're putting their no gloves, nothing. You know, they're doing that. And then they're next thing, they're wiping their nose and they're putting a bit more on top. And it, it's not how to prepare food, is it? No.

But, and, and that's what I think. If it looks too nice on the plate, I think, well, I wonder how that happened. Yeah, plenty of hands have been on that. Yeah, I don't like that. I want it, I want it, I want it splattered with a spoon on the plate. Yeah. So you'd like the dream restaurant in this case to be like a French brazzerie?

I bet, I bet it would be. Yeah, I think it would be. Because the oysters would fit into that. A decor, exactly what I like. Yeah. I like some tiles. I like a nice, you know, those, those lamps they have hanging from the ceiling. And I like the waiters with the, with the, the aprons and, you know,

know what they're talking about. Yeah. Nice buzz around you. That's the other thing with very posh restaurants. You know, I, I got to that point. I thought, okay, I've had amazing food in posh restaurants, but have I ever had a great time in a posh restaurant? It's a different thing.

And I don't think I have a lot. The atmosphere isn't the same. Some of them are catching on now. There are some really good, you know, Michelin-star pub restaurants places. And I love those because there's proper atmosphere and they do it as a bit more casual. They've calmed down a bit.

Yeah. I think both me and Ed there weren't expecting that to be the end of the year. I thought you were saying, it stopped. And I worked, Jack. Yeah. No, I felt I was going on too long. So I thought, I'll stop now.

What do you think about this, Jack? My wife used to live in Paris. Right. And I went out there to visit her quite a lot. And we ate in a lot of places like that. Some amazing restaurants. She used to live basically above a restaurant called Bulldog in the Marais in Paris, which is like,

like that sort of place. It was probably like Bistro restaurant. They did amazing confit duck, but it was called Bulldog because the owners had a Bulldog that just used to walk around the restaurant. How would you feel about that? Lovely. Yeah.

Yeah. Dogs are welcome. Dogs are welcome in any restaurant I go to. Yeah. Absolutely. I think it's really nice. It's civilized and it's more home from home. It means they're not taking themselves too seriously.

The whole health and safety thing is a nonsense. Why are you allowed to bring your dog into one restaurant and not another one? It's health and safety. Well, why don't they have it? Well, they do because they know it's not true. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

What if you got in and that dog pulled your chair out for you so you could sit down and then finally leave you and Jane didn't see it and then Jane sat down? If she was in the restaurant and she just didn't see that. She didn't see it. She was sitting down. She was sort of, she was calling the chef a cunt or whatever she was doing.

And you're sitting down and the Bulldog just pulls the seat out for you. Or even better, you see the Bulldog pull Jane's seat out for her and tuck her in and she doesn't notice. She doesn't realise it's a dog. That would be, that would be a harder thing. But then she'd think, I was just, you know, just taking the piss. Is that the sort of thing you would do?

She might think, why, why you won't keep telling me that the dog did that? You know, that's, you know, spoiling the meal now because, you know, you will come out for a meal and you're just lying to me. If that would be bad. Yeah. I don't think you're going to be able to get Jack

in any situation where he lets Jane know when an animal does something out of the ordinary to it. We'll see, we'll see. We'll see, we'll see. I saw this meme that was going on, you know, one of those video on YouTube where the crocodile eats a drone. Did you see that one? No.

There was a drone being, that was flying over some crocodiles. And then the last thing you see is these big teeth come up and whack it and just take it out and that's the end of the drone. And I watched that and thought it was amazing, but I didn't tell Jane. Do you want to know all about what happened to the crocodile? Well, who cares? Is it a crocodile eating a drone?

That's all we need to know. Well, what if though, Jane, you know, you get home today and Jane goes, oh, Jack, I saw this really funny video. It's of a drone's going on and these crocodiles and this crocodile comes up and eats it. Ah, you've got to watch it. I probably would pretend I hadn't seen it. Yeah.

And then just because otherwise. Because that's another conversation. Then I said, oh, I know. She said, why didn't you tell me? Yeah. Why didn't you tell me that a crocodile is eating a drone? And I was, I don't know, because I never tell you anything. We've come on to a favorite drink now,

but we can probably skip it because everyone knows your favorite drink. Yeah, well, the sparkling. No, no, no, you love Jansmiths. You love it. You plug it all down. Look, look, look, look, look. That's you, Jack D.

You love Jansmiths so much. I wish I would love it even more if they'd pay me to do another one. Yeah. I think my drink would be, I'm just going to keep it very, very general. I'd ask for booze. I'd love to do that to Somalia.

Yeah. Yeah. Can I send booze, please? Just to see what they bring. I think they'd love that because yeah, because they want to give you their opinion, right? They do, yeah, yeah. So they'd just be like, great,

I'll just bring you my favorite thing. Yeah, just go through, go through all the different types of booze and then come up and get the one. But yeah. Have you ever been on a booze cruise? Because you love France? Yeah, yeah.

I never have done that. No, I've never, you know, people do that because they think it's fun and they're going to save a load of money. And not that you can do it anymore because of the Brexit thing. You can only bring two bottles back or something again. But I'm not into saving money like that.

I don't care if it's, you know, 20 quid cheaper to get a ferry to France and then go in the supermarket there and then come back. Well, okay. But you've spent the whole bloody day doing that, haven't you? Yeah. You know, you've got better things to do. Yeah.

So if you asked for booze, is there any booze that they could bring that you would be angry about? Angry about, yes. I don't like, I don't like green booze or turquoise booze or any silly coloured booze. No healthy coloured booze. I don't like that.

No, I don't like that. I like beer coloured booze and especially if it's beer. And I like, obviously I like wine and stuff, but I don't like green drinks. I have another booze cruise question. Is that okay, Ed? Yes, go for it. If you had to go on a booze cruise

with three other stand-up comedians. Right. Who were the comedians? Not Ivo Graham. He's straight off the list. He's not coming. With three other comedians. Present company excluded.

Yeah. I can't bring you two. No. Okay. Can they be from any period? Yeah, yeah. Any, there's also a comedian that you... Yeah.

You gigged with? As long as I've gigged with. So I can't be Norman Wisdom or someone. I can't. Norman Wisdom. Wisdom would be a nightmare on a booze cruise. What are you talking about? He'd sink the ferry.

I would... Why would he sink the ferry? He's a liability. He's clumsy. He's clumsy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe you're right. Maybe it would be a danger to us all.

I might take someone who I knew could do some heavy lifting. Yeah. Maybe like Ricky Grover. Yeah. I'll bring him. Good. I'll bring him.

Yeah. Maybe Phil Dupetus. Yeah. You know, and Josh Whitcomb. Those three. Because Josh is doing the heavy lifting as well. Oh, my God, he's strong. Because, you know, we all know it's a well-kept secret

because he's only... He's what, he's four foot tall? Yeah. You know, and he's got the platforms for television work. But, my God, he's strong. Yeah. Oh, my God, I've seen him lift some stuff. Yeah.

I've seen him in a studio where, you know, they've got all the studio guys down at the gates, you know, where the stuff comes in or the scenery. And they're struggling. Josh comes in. Do you want a hand with that? And he just literally just picked it up, moved it. Oh, the whole...

I saw him lift the whole Strictly Come Dancing set himself. But he just lifted it through. Where do you want it? Where do you want it? It's just like it wasn't a thing for him. Where do you want it? Just plonked it down, didn't he? Yeah.

So he'd be handy. Yeah. So booze is your drink of choice. Yeah, yeah. Your dream drink is just booze. But we did... I mean, you said booze and then you said beer-coloured booze, ideally beer.

Yeah. I like beer and I like wine and I'm easily pleased. Sounds like John Smith's to me. Probably would be, I suppose. If it was a pint of John Smith's, would you be disappointed? I wouldn't be disappointed, but I would prefer something that's come, you know, like a real L or something,

probably or a quite like an artist and lager now. I like that, you know. So I don't plug stuff that I'm not being paid to plug anymore, you know, because I'm not a hypocrite. No, you're not a hypocrite. Do people ever send you... If you're ever in a pub, do people send you over like a pint of John Smith's?

It has happened. It has happened. And, you know, I don't mind that. That's fine. It's their way of creating an anecdote for themselves. Sure. You know, I'm happy about that, but it's this whole thing of, do you drink it all the time?

And I say, no, because I'm not being paid to do adverts for them anymore. Yes. And that's where I draw the line. At the end of that conversation. What if you were at a bar and the waiter bought a pint of John Smith's over and said it's from the gentleman over at that table and you looked over and it was a red squirrel just looking at you?

I'd say, well, that's no gentleman. We, I would be amazed because, you know, it's usually gray squirrels in this country, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. So I would be surprised to see a red squirrel. I think a gray squirrel would probably not be as polite as that, I feel. I think a squirrel, it was more likely to flick a V sign at you. Do you know what I mean?

Attitude. You just, they would. Yeah. Are you more likely, because then obviously Jane will arrive at the pub, are you more likely to tell Jane if a squirrel flicks you the V's or sends you a pint? Again, I think we've been into this. I've said I don't, I won't give any details to Jane on these things. Either way.

It's more trouble than it's worth, you know. But if you've got a pint and she arrives and goes, why haven't you bought me a drink? Why have you got a drink and you've not asked me if I want a drink? I did someone get you that drink? In those circumstances, I might dump the squirrel in it. I might. Yeah.

It was him. It was his fault. Yeah. And I said, what about my wife and he flicked a V out. We arrive at your dream desert. Ah, yeah. French. Well, not particularly, but it's a thing that I really love.

My favorite flavor, right? With dessert of, that goes with sweet things. You won't guess. You won't ever guess. No? No, you won't. Jane was love-guessing. I do love guessing.

Well, look, I'll be honest. Marmite. Even if you get it right, I'll lie and change it. I appreciate your honesty up front. Because I'm very competitive. But no, my favorite flavor is hazelnut. Oh, right? Yeah.

So you wouldn't have guessed that, would you? No, no, no. I think you would have got that. Yeah. No. But a hazelnut meringue, okay, as in a roulade, right? Yeah. You know, the roulade, you get the, with the whipped cream inside

and then roll it up. And that, to me, is a complete perfection. I love that. Maybe even with a little bit of ice cream on the side that I make. I make ice cream sometimes. You make ice cream? Here we go.

James is interested. Here we go. What flavors do you do? Well, whatever you want. I've actually got, I've actually got an ice cream van. This is explained when you slapped an ice cream van. Yeah. He, because he just, he legged it.

He threw the keys over his head as he legged it. He said, just take it. Just take it. So I can, I've got everything I want. I've got flakes. I've got the lot. Yeah. Yeah.

The oysters. The little bit there. So, yeah, I would, that would be my dream, that would be my dream pudding. Yeah, yeah, I would like that. I've not had a roulade like that in ages. Yeah, and you can have a... Cracked and crispy on the outside,

but really soft and chewy in the middle. Oh, it's delicious. It's very good with a bit of, you know, coulis or something, you know, some nice, very rain. What kind of coulis do you want and what kind of ice cream do you want? I think, I think something little bit, little bit tart to go against the meringue, something like a raspberry coulis or something like that.

That'd be very, very nice. If it was ice cream, it would be something simple, like vanilla. I just, you know, you don't, you can't gild the lily. Once you've got something like that in front of you, you know, it's just perfection. And I think it's, my mum used to make that. And I think that's why I love it so much, you know.

She'd make it from scratch? No, she made it from egg whites. Thank you. Don't mind it. I've been here too long. Absolutely, you love it. Do you make it now? Jane makes it.

She makes it much better than I do. She's very good at that. I don't have the patience for that kind of cooking. Yeah. I find it annoying to have to roll things out. Yeah, and then pull them up again. Yeah, exactly. It's a waste of time, isn't it?

It's a waste of time. It's just, it should come like that, or not at all. That's why, you know, that's why I like cooking mince. Because you can't, you know, there's nothing more to do to it, is there? You can't shape it. How much do you like cooking mince? Like, if you know that you want to cook some mince,

how much do you look forward to it? If I'm honest, I've been a parent for nearly 30 years. I've got four kids, so I'm over cooking mince. I've done enough of my mince, and so, but I've done, and I've cooked every configuration of mince. So you cook mince for your kids a lot when they grow up? It's a regular thing, isn't it? It's part of the diet.

You do mince shepherd's pie. You do mince spaghetti bolognese. It's basically all mince, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, confit mince we were doing at one point. You've got top three mince dishes that you use to cook for your kids? Well, yeah, actually, we were talking about curry earlier on, but you know, you had the, is it called, is it keema?

I think it's keema, yeah. Where it is, it's like mince and peas in curry, and you don't get it very much in London, but up north, Manchester, Birmingham, it's quite regularly on the menus up there, and that's one of my favourite things. It's delicious, just minced lamb with spices in it. Of course, that's a Moroccan thing as well,

and so that's really great, so I'd have that as a posh answer to that one. But I don't mind, yeah, I love bolognese. I like a bolognese. It's got very little to do with the Italian food, is it? We go to Italy, ask for bolognese, they think, who's this idiot? Yeah, they're not happy.

Yeah, no. I want to know more about your ice cream that you make yourself, because I feel like if we end this episode and we haven't really dug into your ice cream making... Do you actually make ice cream yourself, or was that a build-up to the ice cream van call back? No, no, no, no, I make it, I make it, and that's why we... I do make it.

I've got a little, I've got the churn thing, and I cheat with ice cream, I'm not into doing it with the eggs and stuff, I just do, I base it, I just do double cream, milk, sugar, and then whatever flavouring you want, and then once you've got your vanilla ice cream, you can put it in a thing, and then if you've got some coulis, for instance,

put it in, give it a very quick whip around, and you've got raspberry ripple. Delicious. That's how it's made, that's how it's made. Or Stracchiatelli, you can do that with bits of chocolate. Yeah. And here's another thing. You know, chocolate mint chip ice cream?

Yeah. Well, I've made that, and I thought, that was really, really delicious, but next time I'm going to make it, instead of milk chocolate, I make it with plain chocolate, and that'll be a posh version of chocolate chip mint, doesn't work. Yeah, yeah.

It doesn't work. No? No, no, it doesn't work, it's not as good. It was a disappointment. It has to be milk, you wouldn't have thought that, would you? No, I would have thought dark chocolate would be a posh version. No, so if you ever go to a restaurant and they say, we've got a special, it's not any old chocolate mint chip ice cream,

ours is made with dark chocolate, just walk away. Don't go anywhere near it. Get about it. It doesn't work. It's difficult to walk away at that point, because presuming that's dessert, that is just running out on the bill, isn't it? You could, it depends how theatrical you are.

And yeah, you say, I don't know, that's ruined everything. I'm lying. What if you dropped some after eights in there, you think that wouldn't work? I think that would be a good idea, if I'm honest. I think, I'm a big fan of those. It came off you like that, and you thought of it, and that's something.

It's a catering type to cook. A big type. Chocolate mint. You take a load of chocolate chip and chuck it in. Well, we all know how to do it in candle. Yeah, I bet that would be nice, because you can use snicker bars and stuff in ice cream, and it's probably quite a good way to do it.

So you're talking about Ketman. It's reminded me of Crazy Other, which was the milkshake place. Crazy Other? There's a milkshake place growing up in Ketman called Crazy Other. It's not there anymore. Closing it, it lasted a year. But it was just milkshakes with chocolate bars in them.

Oh, OK. Let them just put any chocolate bar you want in the milkshake. Oh, OK. Right, right. OK. So yeah, you just go and be like, have a snickers one, have a mint arrow one, or whatever.

How did it shut off for a year if you lived an era? Yeah, I got a lot of them. A mint arrow was my favorite one as well. And when you left, that was it. They closed it. Yeah, when I left, oh, well, that's it. Where's no point? Where's that kid who always comes in?

He's gone, oh, that's a bit done. I never forget going to Kettering and having a Chinese meal there after the gig. The gardens? I think it could have been. I can't remember the name of it now. But it was a long, long time ago. And they were not happy about staying open that late

because it was about 10.30 or something. I must try to be complimentary. The food was OK. Yeah. I said, yeah, it's all right. But there was carrots being carved into little lotus leaves. And then we said, this is lovely. And he said, yeah, the chef did that.

Yeah. And he said he stayed up late to do that for you. And he just laid all this kind of guilt on me for coming in late. And he, yeah, he has to be here at 8 o'clock in the morning. But he stayed late to do that for you. And I always remember that, that he made me feel bad. I'd given the compliment.

And what I got in return was a guilt trip. Yeah, well, that is, I would say, you've had the quintessential Kettering experience there. That is exactly what we're about, is making everyone feel guilty. And make everyone feel ashamed to have done something wrong. And never do something nice for anyone. No.

Unless you're going to let them know, do you know what? I had to stay up to do that. And just completely ruin the favor that you've done for someone. Because that waiter was James A. Yeah, it's how look it was me. That's how look it was me.

And I would tell you. Also, I mean, they're not going to impress you with that carrot like that. Because you know their hands have been all over it. You're going to be like, yeah. That is the other thing. I think this is sort of before the days when I wised up to it and I was still impressed

by a carved carrot. But that was my only experience of eating in Kettering as I remember it. I remember the first time my parents had a carved carrot at a restaurant and that day. No one else has that level of regal. No one else can dip into it. It was a big deal because they bought it home with them.

Ah, did they? Yeah, I remember us as kids. And my mum was like, come and look at this. Your mum still wears it as a brooch, doesn't she? Yeah, it was a carrot that was carved into a look of flour. And she was like, isn't that incredible? Isn't that incredible? And she was like, I just saw one by one.

We were like, look at this. Look at the carrot. And we were going, are you going to eat it? She was like, I can't eat this. I can't eat it. It's beautiful. It doesn't matter if you just let it rot on the side on the window sill, gradually.

I don't read your menu back to you now, Jack. See how you feel about it? Water, you want sparkling water. We can secrete cans all around the restaurant if you like. I think that would be a good idea. You can get it whenever you like. Pop it on some bread. You want a chabatta or for catcher.

A little bit of both in a basket, I imagine. Starter, grilled oysters with breadcrumbs, garlic, chorizo. Like spinach, stuff like that, all at the table. Do you want a few raw ones in there as well? I'll have a couple of raw ones. Yeah. And you can do that all on your own grill on the table as well. Main, confit duck, side dish, pommar, pommar.

We never did know what they were. Potatoes and green beans. Pommar potatoes. Drink, booze. Dessert, you would like a hazelnut roulade with raspberry caulley and vanilla ice cream. Yeah, yeah. How's that feel?

I'm feeling one of the best meals ever. So happy with it. I feel like you're going to need a kind of sparkling water after that. I will probably. I probably will need one or two. I'll have one in my bedside table for that, definitely. Well, I think we've learned a lot about you. Do you?

Do you? Yeah, yeah. Yeah? You already knew a lot about me when I bought you. Yeah, you knew more about him than he did. Pretty good, wasn't it? Pretty good, how much on it? Well, there we are, James.

Jack D. Whoa. French. I don't think it would be such a French meal. It was so French. So French. Delicious. Sometimes I love the meals that are just from all over the place

and don't really make sense as a whole meal. I think that's a wonderful approach to the dream restaurant. But also, I like it when people make a decision and they stick with it. Yeah, and he backed it up. He told us why he liked pressery, French cuisine. And that all sounded amazing. I'd love to have that meal. Yes.

I think he should be more open and honest with his wife about animals, though. That's concerning, isn't it? That stuff. Yeah, I mean, if Jane ever hears this episode, she will think, well, what's been happening over the years? I don't know about. What's he been keeping from me about the animal kingdom?

Yeah. James, he did not say grated mozzarella in a bag. No. I mean, that's famously Italian. Yeah, it is. So there's no way that was going to come up. Wonderful episode. Anything that you want to talk about, James, now?

Well, I think everyone should go out and buy Jack D's new book. Yes. What is your problem? Yeah, what is your problem? I should hear. You know, he's a great agony uncle. He gave great advice. I'd already solved the problem,

but I'm glad I got to ask Jack D about that. I'd been planning on asking Jack D about my crotch issues. So I'm glad you reminded me, James. Yes. Pleasure. Always, always happy to help. Obviously, once we'd finished the podcast, Benito had loads of questions to ask Jack

about all the problems in his life. Yes, exactly. As well. It was quite a long chat, actually. He made it away about five hours to do this. Five and a half hours, yeah. He's mad. Yeah, a lot of problems that boy.

But hopefully, I mean, Jack D slapped him about. Slapped him about, sorted him out, all good and proper. All good and proper. So hopefully, it's all sorted for him. You know, I think everyone should go out and buy tickets to go and see Ed Gamble's live show, Electric. Yes, starts in February 2022. edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

I am going to many places. If I'm not coming near to you, you will have to meet me halfway. Yes, and also, if you can't get in and see Ed on tour, then why not buy his new vinyl? It's a live vinyl show. And you can buy and you can listen to that at home and pretend you're at Ed's gigs. He's got wonderful artwork, absolutely stunning artwork.

I love it. It is called You May Struggle to Hear Me Above the Crunch of My Enemy's Skulls. Well, I'll remember, James. Do you remember where people can buy it from? Benito just sneezed, everybody. He's not often heard on the podcast, but today, you heard his sneeze.

He did a little sneeze just then. You can buy my vinyl from edgamblestore.com. Wonderful stuff. I mean, we don't ever say, like, join us next week and here's the guest next week, do we? No, we don't know. Just checking. But we will be here next week,

and there will be a guest next week. Oh, that's fine. Good news. Goodbye. Bye. Hello, I'm Lou Sanders, and if you've enjoyed this podcast, you might like my podcast, Cuddle Club. It's about cuddling, yes.

But really, it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions like who is your mom's favourite and when we last unfaithful. Previous guests include Alan Davis, Ashley B, Katherine Mayan, Rich Dozman, Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar, and other legends. Get it on A-Cast, Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your all podcasts.

And remember to CC everybody in if CC stands for Cuddle Club. Hello, it's me, Amy Gladhill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, our relationship's never been the same since, and I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread.

I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because look, we're two Northerners, sure,

but we've been living in London for a long time. The news stories are funny. Quite a lot of them, crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glill's mum on every episode.

That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.