Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 130: Bridget Christie

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

It’s the final episode of series 6, and who better than Netflix star, Edinburgh Comedy Award-winner and one of the finest comedians in the country – Bridget Christie – to be the dream restaurant’s last customer. That poor squirrel. Bridget Christie’s new show ‘Who Am I?’ is at the Leicester Square Theatre in London, 14-18 Dec. Book tickets here. Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy, now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the frying pan of conversation, heating it up with the flame of the internet, drizzling in the oil of humour, and cracking in two fresh-faced young comedians and cooking until golden and runny. Are we the fresh-faced comedians? Are we sure are, James A. Castor? Hey, thanks, Head Gamble. This is the Off Menu podcast, where we invite a guest into

the Dream Restaurant and ask them their favourite ever, start a main course, dessert, side dish, and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is... Bridget Christie. Bridget Christie is the last episode in the series, and we are very happy to have Bridget in the Dream Restaurant. She is a brilliant comedian and a brilliant writer, James. Bridget in the game, we all respect and love Bridget Christie so much, was so privileged to have her in the Dream Restaurant. One of the many people who has beat me at Edinburgh Comedy Awards.

Yes, that's what we're trying to complete, the full set of all of the people who've beaten James in the Edinburgh Comedy Awards, which is a lot of people, because if you think about it, how many nominees are there per year? Well, I mean, there's like, you know... How many nominees? Between six and nine. So that's between five and eight people every year you were nominated. Nominated five times? Yes.

That could be 40 people that have beaten you in the Edinburgh Comedy Awards. So we have got to find out how many people finished ahead of me each time. Well, all of them every year. Yeah, probably was a lot of them. Yeah, yeah. Part of every time. Scraped in. Scraped in every single year, but better to scrape in than to scrape out. I don't know what that means, but we're very excited to have Bridget in the Dream Restaurant.

One of the best, one of the greats, and this is the final episode of the series as well. That's a sad time, isn't it? Yeah, always a sad time. But knowing us, we'll be back in probably next week. And even though it's the last episode of the series, if Bridget says a secret ingredient that we have agreed upon in advance, she will be kicked out of the restaurant. And what a sad way that would be to end the series, James. It's a really sad way to end the series with a heavy heart. And some people are saying that during this series, we should have kicked someone out already.

Yeah. Jeff Rosenstock apparently should have been kicked out. That's... Well, basically, he said cilantro in a chili oil. Yes. Which is coriander. Yeah. We said coriander seeds, and I think he meant coriander leaf.

So I don't think he was anywhere near to being kicked out. Okay. Well, you know, I was here just to find my mum. Yes. Yeah. You're a very sad little boy, aren't you? Yep. Guilty as charged.

And this week, the secret ingredient is... Donkey. Donkey. Oh, brilliant. Thank you. Where are donkey? Where are donkey? You were making fun of my Scottish accent the other week, and now I'm back nailing it,

and then you've done yours. Nailed it together. Always good to both nail it together. Hey, donkey, come here. Hey, you're still a wisecrackin' donkey, talkin' to me like that. Stop it. Well, I hope you're all looking forward to the next off-menu lives when we do them. We will do some more, and we'll be opening with our characters, and James will be fully

dressed up as Shrek doing his Shrek impression. Yes. And that's a promise. That is a promise. A bit more of that, please. That is a promise. If you buy your tickets to off-menu live, I will be dressed as Shrek. We've chosen donkey as the secret ingredient because Bridgette once did a show where she

was dressed up as a war donkey, right? It's called War Donkey, the show. It's a fantastic show. Bridgette was dressed as a donkey for the whole thing, so we're thinking maybe she got a taste for donkey meat during that show. Yes, potentially. If she says donkey, we can kick her out. And Bridgette is doing a new show now called Who Am I, and that's on at the Leicester Square

Theatre in London later this month. So without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Bridgette Christie. Welcome, Bridgette, to the dream restaurant. Thank you. Oh, gosh. What is that? What is that? Welcome, Bridget Christie, to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time. That's nice. What do you think happened there, Bridget? Right. I don't like loud noises when I'm eating, and that's really put me off. What other loud noises wouldn't you like? Was it like, was that fireworks, or was it like a water fountain? A bit of both.

A bit of both. I mean, it's nice, but I've just spilled all my drinks everywhere. That was me bursting out of a lamp, so there were some fireworks. Maybe there was a bit of spray, like water fountain. Bursting out of a lamp. Yeah. Oh, James is a genie in this. We probably should have mentioned this.

We didn't tell you that. Is that why you're wearing those horrible clothes? Yes. They don't see you. Can you describe what I'm wearing to the listeners? Well, it's very bright. It looks like, you know, at Camden Market, there's a shop that's just got loads of material hanging down and purses.

The materials are shiny. And the shops you go in when you're at college or something, you go, oh, it's so cool. And they've got justics lit. Yes. James looks like he runs one of those shops and he's dressed himself in all the things in the shop. I love those shops. They used to go to Camden Market on a weekend and go in all those shops.

There was one man who was standing outside the shop, and I can't remember his catchphrase. It was something like shiny, shiny t-shirt. And he'd go, shiny, shiny t-shirt, and he'd go, no, I'm all right. He'd go, no, shiny, shiny t-shirt. And then once he dragged us all into his shop to try on a shiny, shiny t-shirt, and he made us try them on, got them out of packet, tried them on. I went, I don't want this. And he went, well, get the fuck out of my shop.

And threw the card for them. I want to meet this guy. I love him. I absolutely love him. Have you had him on? No. What's the shiniest outfit you've ever worn or bought? The shiniest outfit is a silver dress that was really scratchy and itchy.

And so I never really wore it, but I did find it in a charity shop. Yeah. Yeah. How old were you? How old am I? How old were you? Do you ask? Oh, no, I'm excited because I'm 50.

I was about... You're all excited about being 50, aren't you? You told us about it before we started recording. Yeah. So you heard the question, how old were you? As old am I? How old are you? Yeah.

I'm a pro-burrowing somehow, even though it was clearly how old were you. That's what you heard. You're like, this is my opportunity. How old am I? I'm 50. Even pretended to be offended by the question for you. Do you ask all your guests that? I'm 50, though.

I love it. I love being 50. It's going to be my answer to everything now. How old was I when I bought that silver dress? I don't know. 24? 24. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sure I've bought something shinier than a dress to wear out of all the odd things that I've bought to wear. There must be something shinier. There must be something shinier you've worn. I mean, how shiny was the ant costume that you made yourself? Not that shiny, actually. Was it very shiny? No.

The only shiny thing with that was the leggings. Uh-huh. Because you've had multiple... And the goggles. Multiple. Multiple costumes. Costumes. Charles I as well, was that one?

Nothing shiny about that? No. Nothing shiny about old Charles. There was a... What else? You just as a donkey for a show, didn't you? Yeah. I did.

Is that shiny? There was Japanese knotweed that I had to... A bar... A member of the bar staff had to cut me out of it using the knife that she used to cut the lemons and limes. Oh. I was quite... That nicked you.

That lemon knife. She had a very trusting face. That'd hurt though, right? You get all the lemon juice. It would hurt the lemon. Was that ever... So were you dressing as Japanese knotweed every night of Edinburgh and she had to cut you out every night with the lemon and lime knife?

No. It didn't make it into the finished show because it took too long to get in and out of it. I had... You know, that plastic ivy sort of foliage you can buy. Yeah. I was... I had all of that all around me. Like a green man.

You know, a green man. Yeah. But then I just couldn't get in and out of it. Cool. That, you know, my whole... I think the whole 20 minutes was five minutes of that and then 15 trying to get in. I mean... I don't know.

I'd like to watch that. Yeah, me too. I think that'd be funny. Yeah. Yeah. And another one of those things that I do where there's one comic laughing backstage, James, like the time you said, wouldn't it be funny to drag that massive award out onto the stage? To be fair.

Pretend that it was really heavy. I'll stand by that would be funny. What had happened was... I dragged it out in an unfunny way. The Edinburgh Comedy Award. We were doing a gig that was all the nominees. That horrible gig. Plus the winner.

Awful gig. It's an notoriously hard gig. You can't win. You just... It's always difficult. They're always sat there with their arms folded going, oh, these are the people who got nominated, are they? And the night before, in the same venue, there'd been a show called The Wrestling.

And at the end of the rest, they presented a massive, over-the-top trophy to the winner. And that was still on the side of the stage. And I said, Bridget, because you've won, it'd be really funny if when they introduced you, you dragged this really heavy trophy on with you, like that's what you won. So they introduced Bridget. You dragged it on to absolute silence. Total silence. Because they don't know, do they?

No, they don't. With the wings all the way to the mic. As far as they know, that is the award. Yeah. Yeah, but also, I mean, if I saw someone dragging a thing, I'd think, oh, you could hear a pin drop. Yeah. Oh.

Part of them. Me and Mike Wozniak laughin' our heads off. Yeah. But like, yeah. And then you got to the middle and you went, oh, hi everyone. Yeah, but it was light as a feather as well, wasn't it? Yeah, and really light. Sorry.

That's what they give you. I never like. What? It's a lesson we all learn, but never take advice from a comedian while you're side of stage. Someone saying, it'll be funny to do that, because they're almost always going to fuck you up. Rosie Jones always does that to me as well, like I'll say, oh, I've had this idea, but

I'm not sure about it. And she'll go, do it, do it, do it. Never worth. But I can always hear her laughing. She's a bad news once, actually. She's a very naughty image. She's the imp. Yeah.

She's been on this podcast. She chose for her starter all of the crisps. Different crisps. I mean, I can see why she did that. Yeah. I've got a problem with crisps. Gone. Well, I just can't stop eating them.

It's not a funny problem either. It's a problem. It's a dark problem. It's a dark problem. It's a dark problem. Like, how dark is it got? Well, I can't have them in the house. Have you had to have, like, a sit down with yourself, a really serious kind of...

Yeah, I've said, come on, all the salt and whatnot, you know, just get on top of it, but I just can't. There's no limit to how many crisps I could have, I don't think. There's no limit. I think I could genuinely not stop until someone pulled me away. Which, what sort of crisp, what's the ultimate one that sends you into a spiral? It's just all... Any.

All crisps. You can't even think of a favourite, that's how much you love them. I can't have meat crisps, because I'm veggie. If there were meat crisps in the house, would you eat the meat crisps? No, no, no, I can't. I had a really weird light bulb moment where just a switch went off. It was like, literally, one second I could eat meat and chicken and whatnot, and gone. The next I couldn't.

Where were you when this light bulb would go to Damascus moment? Sinsbury Park. Sinsbury Park. Outside the chicken restaurant. And what did you see that made you... I had been in there before, and then I saw a sign that said that it was Halal. And I thought, oh right, okay. And then I thought, oh I didn't know that.

And then I thought, I don't know where any of the stuff that I've eaten lived, or how it was killed, or in what circumstances, or any part of its life from beginning to end. And I just thought, I can't. So your issue with the meat was that you don't know its backstory? Yeah. If you'd known a little bit more about the meat, about where it grew up, would you have been happier to... And like whether it was read to at night and stuff.

It was literally, I didn't even have to think about it. Yeah. What about eggs? That's the next thing to go. But in a minute... I guess you sort of do know the backstory of the egg, right? Came out the butt. Yeah.

And it's always, you know, where have I got them from, and you know, I always try and get the ones with feathers still on them. And then I keep them, and I'm building them up, I'm saving them up, all these little feathers that you get. No, you're not, Bridget. What are you talking about? I am, to make my... No, to make a pillow for myself.

Come on. Make a pillow? I'm not... Make a costume. I'm going to make a scarf out of it. Egg feathers. You're saving up the feathers off eggs, to make a little pillow for... Come on, egg feathers.

A tiny pillow. A tiny little pillow. Yeah. How big will a pillow be? Oh. Enough... Not enough to put your head on by the sound of things. To put another egg on.

It's saying I've got a really massive head. I've actually got a small head. A 50-year-old head. In fact, I have had a nickname, which is ant head, because I've got a small head. That's what... When I was... I put on four stone with my first child, but my head didn't get bigger, so I looked... So I looked really weird.

So the tiny pillow that you're making out of egg feathers... It's going to take a long time. You're going to put your little ant head on that? It's actually... I've only got three so far, and I've been collecting them for about four years. Three feathers. They don't... There's not often one in there.

It's very difficult to sort... Where are you buying the eggs from that you can sort through them and find the ones with egg feathers on them? Well, I only buy eggs from... If I say, like, I'm driving the countryside, and there's a little sign outside of farm saying, get your eggs here. Get your eggs here. Just buy them that.

No, I don't... Just get them. Just get them. Where are you keeping these feathers? In a box. In a little box? Yeah. Is it, like, a Tupperware box or a cardboard box?

It's an egg box. Oh, so you've kept an egg box? Yeah. And you've got three feathers in there? I'm not a hoarder, but I keep certain things. Yes. What else do you keep? I've got my children's umbilical cords.

Oh, oh, my God. Make a pillow? No, because they'd be too sharp, because they'd, like, where they dry out, they become quite hard. Do they? I'd be like, oh, what's that sticking? Like, sort of squid? I've never kept a squid and kept it in a box for 14 years, so I don't know how that would

be. I wouldn't roll it out at this age. Yeah, don't look at me like... Like, that's completely out. Teeth, loads of little milk, teeth and hair, my son's hair, because it was golden when he was little. Yeah. Like a halo.

So I kept that. If I was in an accident and I lost a finger, I'd probably keep that. Would you keep it in the same box as the umbilical cord and the hair and stuff before? That's my kid's box, so I'd probably have to have a separate box for all of my stuff that had come off or... Yeah. What accident are you imagining that means that you lose a finger? Well, I just, I saw my fingers, so that was the first thing I thought of.

You looked at your fingers and then you thought, if I lost these, I'm not gonna keep it. I mean, I guess any body part, if you lost it, would you keep it? My head, if I was decapitated in a horrible accident. Yeah. In fact, I should probably... You could keep that in the egg box, if that's what you want. Yeah, yeah. Just pop it in one of the chambers.

We always start with still or sparked in water. Oh, God, still, every time. Can't do sparkling. I've got this, well, A, it's very gassy, or gaseous, I don't know what the right word is. And also, it sticks in my throat, which is weird, because it's water. I've got a very, well, I think it's a small, a closed throat, is it, a tight throat. I don't know, I have to really swallow food now properly, like chew it up properly and

only have small... Because it isn't getting through. I would choke, if anything's like, you know, like chocolate snowballs at Christmas, they've got like a dusting on the outside. That would make me choke. How often do you choke or nearly choke? Do you know what? I have to be so careful, genuinely, that not at all now.

A couple of years ago, it was all the time, I was like, I need to sort this out. My throat is becoming too small for food that I would normally just normally eat. And is this to do with the ant head as well, do you think? Yeah. Is this all part of the... Do you have an ant throat? Well, I've always had a small... I've all...

Do you think it's like ants getting back at me, because I did, I did, like, your character? Yeah, you pretend to be an ant in one of your shows. So now, you turn it into an ant. Do you think I might be? I think it's like a metamorphosis thing. Metamorphosis. Yeah, you pretend to be an ant. So now, you gradually turn it into an ant, and it's first your head, and now your throat.

Because I can carry really big boxes. I'm now able to carry much more than I used to. Yeah. I have been working out a bit, and it might be that. But yeah, so swallowing things, so fizzy water. So the bubbles get... Your throat's so small that the bubbles get caught. I think, actually, that is what's happening.

Well, they're creating, like, because there's so much air. I'm not a scientist. But maybe all the air is not expanding, but creating more space in my throat. That doesn't make... I don't think that makes any sense. I don't know. Maybe all the bubbles there, they do something. To your little throat.

So, because you were saying you can't eat chocolate snowballs. No, I can't eat them. I just have to lick them first. What? I have to lick the dust off them first, because it's the dust that's... That makes me... So then, if you're licking the dust off them first, isn't that asking for trouble, because you just get all the dust?

No, I totally see what you mean, because you wet the dust. You're wetting the dust. Because if you put one in your mouth without wetting the dust, and you inhale the powder down your throat, then I understand that that's probably an issue. Yeah, exactly. He's very clever, isn't he? Yeah, he's very clever. I am a scientist.

Yeah, Ed is a scientist, like us. So you get all the dust in your throat, and then your throat can't take it. So what couldn't I ask? OK, so Turkish delight would probably kill me. Yeah. Or I couldn't have Turkish delight in a nice dignified way if it was served to me in a restaurant, because I'd have to say I've got to lick all of this first. You'd announce it?

Yeah. I'd announce it, and then I'd sit there licking it all. The white witch would have kicked you out of her carriage. Yeah. You wouldn't have had a chance to betray the other kids in Narnia. I mean, that is disgusting, Bridget. Get out of here. Go and hang out with Thomas.

Yeah, but it might work for me, though. She might think, who is this loose cannon licking all the Turkish delight? I'm not going to eff with her. Oh, you swore, actually. I'm not going to fuck with her with this. Yeah. With this Turkish delight licking anomaly. I mean, you'd fit in in Narnia, wouldn't you?

Because there's a lot of creatures there that are part animal and part human. Yeah. It's funny that you bring Narnia up. Yeah. Because I have got, it's not really a sexual fantasy, but one of my, one of the symptoms of the menopause, which is what I'm in now, is hot flushes. Yeah. And I'm having really good fun with my menopause, but I know that's not a lot of women's experience,

but I am. And I, my sister told me this great trick to do for any issue that you've got, visualise the thing. So I visualise. My hot flushes, right? I imagine that James McAvoy, who was Mr. Tumnus, is controlling my body temperature using a thermostat in a, in a, like, so I see him in an old Victorian house, like with a wooden floorboards.

So that's how, first of all, that's how you imagine your body is like an old Victorian house, is it? No. But I might do that. No, it's just, it's just where your body thermostat happens to be. It's him as a fawn, specifically, with the red scarf, because he's out in the snow. So that makes me feel, oh, it's snowy and cold. But also his blue out, you know, because he's, he's mischievous, isn't he?

But it's his clopperty feet and the red scarf, the whole thing. So when I'm getting out, he's just in there going, ooh, let's make Bridget hot and cold. I have a lot of fun with that. I wonder why you felt the need to preface that with, this isn't a sexual perhaps, because I don't think if you'd just told us that, we would have thought, ah, Randy over Bridget. I've got no idea why I said that, because there's nothing sexual about it. It doesn't sound sexual. No, not at all.

Well, I mean, he's not wearing anything apart from a red scarf, that's maybe why I made that leap. But he does have hooves. Yeah. But he's like, I assume he's like, you know, he is in the film. You haven't, you know, made it more graphic. You haven't made it more unautomatically corrected, given him a fawn penis. So now that's in my head.

Yeah. You're never going to be able to get rid of that. No, that's it. That's when he's swinging around while he's messing with your thermostat. But a fawn in the line of the witch, in that TV, he doesn't have any genitals in that. No. There's nothing there. Kids film.

Kids film. But a satyr has a permanently erect penis, doesn't it? What? The way you look at Ben, like Ben or no. Look straight at Benito there when he said that. First time you've looked at Benito for the whole episode so far. Perfectly erect penis. Permanently.

A satyr is, you know, like the pan god. There's loads of different names. I think that a satyr is Greek and a fawn is Roman. Is that right? Right. Okay. To look to Benito again. I'm sorry.

It's because he's doing all the technical stuff. Yeah. I assume that you know more than we do about satyrs and erect penises. So a satyr. A satyr is like a naughty pan god, like half goat, half man. Well, it's a naughty god. Yes. It's the devil, isn't it?

Uh-huh. In half goat form. Mm-hmm. I think that's what a satyr is. But a fawn, I'm imagining it's less sinister. Mm-hmm. Well, he's not. Tumnus isn't sinister.

Tumnus is nice, isn't he? Mr. Tumnus is not getting around with a big, grander erect penis, doesn't he? Although that would make sense. That's why he lives in the woods by himself. Yeah. He's been banished. No, I don't. Because that'll put me off the woods now.

Oh my god. I know I'm remembering that I've, no, I can't, I've my eyes twitching now. Yeah, you see that? Yeah. It's just genuinely an eye twitch you've developed. Who are you imagining controlling your eyes? Yeah. Well, let's have a think.

Who else has been an animal, half animal? Well, I'll tell you, someone has played an animal in a film. Pretty arrogant of James to bring up his own acting career here. Have you played an animal live? Well, it's coming out this Friday, but you... What animal are you? I'm a mouse and Cinderella turned into a footman. Oh my...

That's part animal part. You've probably, they've done a lot of good promo for the film. I don't know if you saw James Caughton dancing in a traffic jam. Can you gloss over the promo? No. It doesn't, the promo doesn't matter. Is this the thrusting thing that I've heard about? Well, yes.

Hasn't really done us any favours. I'm sorry, if any man thrust at me, I'd, I'd kick him in the face. And that was his only part of his body that was exposed, is it? I, I hate thrusting so much. I cannot even tell you. Even just one. If one of you just did one and said that was an accident, my hips moved like that, involuntary.

Yeah. It was nothing, I would, I don't think I'd ever see you again. No. Poppa Doms or Bread? Jesus Christ. Poppa Doms or Bread, Bridget Christie. Poppa Doms or Bread? Poppa Doms.

Poppa Doms. Now, is that really your choice or have you been panicked into it? Bread, be two full and also I have like a, a wee, I don't know what I've got, I've tried to look into it, but I get cramps with too much bread and stuff. I think it's the wheat. So you go, pops every time. How's the tight throat dealing with Poppa Doms?

That's not dry. That's okay. Yeah. So I just, I just crunched them up. You got to crunch them up quite a lot, I'd imagine. Yeah. If you try and take them down too dry or if they're in shards, I'd imagine the ant throat is not going to like that.

No. I would, I mean, you wouldn't swallow a massive, sharp bit of Poppa Doms. I'm not insane. I've got a small throat. You're going to swallow a massive shard of Poppa Doms. It's just dusty things. I'm not up guard. Just because I'm 50, you know, you can take me out.

I'm not going to, you know, be sticking things in my throat. I go, ah, why didn't I chew that up? I'm not, you know, I'm only half a century. You know, I'm not. Yeah. I don't like any things with the Poppa Doms. Yeah. Well, what would you like with it?

Because I was going to say, does that make it difficult for the ant throat, if you're putting toppings on it? We don't need to talk about the ant throat anymore. Why don't we need to? I mean, we never had a guest on the podcast who's got an ant throat before. It's just a, I'm sure you have a tight throat. They've just not admitted to it. Well, this is the first time we've been able to talk about it.

And you know, I just think it's relevant. It's become smaller in the last five years. It's become harder for me to swallow things in the last five years. But I do, I don't, I don't like chew my food up and then spit it out. I do swallow it. Because we're talking about food on this podcast. Yeah. Earlier you said you kept the umbilical cords.

Did you eat the placenta? No, it, it, it didn't come out like, I wasn't asked. And actually when I, the midwife threw my daughters in the bin, and I had to fish through the bin to get it. I said, I really, I'd like burst into tears and I said, I wanted to keep that. And she was like, it's, you know, it's waste or whatever, just chucked it in the bin. Because we don't keep things like that. Lots of cultures, indigenous cultures keep placentas and, and, and they, because they

believe in like, in the planet and stuff. So they give something back to Mother Nature because they think they've been given life. So they plant it in the ground or they attach it to a tree and they sort of see it as giving something back. It's really amazing, all that stuff. I hate to stumble across that tree on a walk. I'd be absolutely petrified, imagine if you're taking a walk at night time and found the placenta tree.

No, we just throw dog shit in them, don't we, instead? What, in the trees? Yeah, in bags. Have you not seen trees covered in plastic bags? No. Have you not? Have you not seen a tree with a plastic bag full of dog shit? That's the, if you've ever been on a motorway, so by, in a lay-by, look at the trees, people

just, or do you walk? Have you got a dog or anything? No. Right, maybe you've not noticed. Yeah, trees and I, back me up here, but I can't believe this. I can't believe you don't know how much people throw bags full of dog shit into trees. No, I've never seen that. Yeah.

Neither of us have seen this. It's a thing. It's a thing. Is it a shake in his head? Yeah, it's a thing. I think you're living very sheltered lives. I don't know. Maybe you're the one living quite a sordid life.

It's not me. I haven't got a, I haven't got a dog. I mean, I wouldn't do it. Also, it's like, why go to the bottom of putting it in a dog bag? It's probably better to just let your dog foul, isn't it, because of the plastic. Did you see one tree where this was the case? So have you seen it or do you see it a lot? It's a thing and you're going to get lots of calls about this, I imagine.

Yeah. It's a thing that people do. It is a blight on the countryside. Yes. And in parks. I believe you. I've just never, I've never seen one. Well, you're lucky.

I wish I, I wish that I had not seen it. Yeah. It is all, imagine all the little birds that should be in there. Pecking into them. They've got a tree for the dog shit. Well, I don't think they'll be pecking into the bags. Will they? What kind of birds do you know?

Well, I don't know any birds, but. Well, they don't eat bags of dog shit. Yeah, but they might want to see what's in the bag. They might want to see what's in the bag, though. Kind of a bird as this. What kind of tree is this, you know? They're not going to pack a plastic bag that doesn't smell of. I grew up in London.

I don't know about nature. Would it pack a placenta? It might do, actually, because that's organic matter, isn't it, rather than a plastic bag? You'd hope so. Would you rather sleep on a pillow made of egg feathers or sleep on a pillow made of feathers that are from birds that have exclusively... The eggs don't grow feathers. Huh?

Well, you're the one who said you saved an egg feather earlier. Yeah, sorry. Would you rather sleep on a pillow full of egg feathers or sleep on a pillow full of feathers from birds that have exclusively been sitting in the dog shit tree? It wouldn't make any difference to me. No? No.

A bit of dog shit? No. Because the... Well, no. I mean, unless they had a bath in it, which they don't do, I mean, how would I know? We'd be able to tell you. We'd tell you at the end.

Oh, you'd tell me. You'd have one night where you'd put your pillow. Well, the egg feathers, then, I think. Egg feathers, yeah. Fair enough. If you had a pet bird and you bought it and you were really happy with it and you're excited and you bought it home to your kids, why are you shaking your head before I even got to...

I can't even go to aviaries. It bothers me so much. Or zoos. I can't cope with anything caged. Okay. Well, it's not in a cage, then. Oh, so I live on a huge estate and it just flies around. Flies around your house?

Yeah. The house bird? If it can come and go as it pleases... Well, I've got three cats. So I wouldn't have a bird. Say this in harmony with the bird. Let's just say they all get on. Yeah.

Your family love it. Yeah. Everyone loves it. But here's the catch. Oh. All it eats is bags of dog shit. Do I have to... Yeah.

You've got to feed it. That's the scenario. Correct. Yeah, that's the scenario. So everyone loves the bird. It comes and goes as it pleases. It sings so nicely. It sings a beautiful song every day.

I'd have to say to it, there's a lady down the road who's got a dog. Yeah. You'll have to eat there. And then come back when you've finished and have a wash before you come back. I don't think... Because I think then I could call, for example, the RSPB. Yeah. And say that Bridget's got a bird, but she's refusing to feed it.

Hang on a sec. I was given a scenario. Yeah. With no options or deviations. Yeah. So I don't know why the RSPB are now getting involved. Because you're refusing to feed your bird. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. Because it only eats dog shit and you're making someone else... Bags of dog shit. Bags of dog shit. And you're making someone else. You're making an arrangement. If Polly then said, well, I'd rather eat here. I would say, well, we need to have a look at your diet then.

Yeah. I think that's a reasonable thing to say to a parrot. Yeah. Is a parrot. Is it? Well, Polly, I just assumed he was a parrot. Polly tells me the parrot. Yeah.

Does it? Yeah. I just... Classic parrot name. Yeah. Like with the red beaks. What are they called? You know, the ones, the green parrots.

Parakeets. Yeah. Yeah. They managed to get squirrels off the nut feeders. They like shout at them and the squirrels get off. What do they shout? Well, they go like, wow, wow, get off you stupid feathered idiots. They call the squirrels stupid feathered idiots.

Which is rich because I think squirrels are cleverer than parakeets. They're feathers. Yeah. You know what? This is... Well, I only did it once and then I felt really mean. I cook because there's little birds that I love coming in for their nuts and whatnot and their fat balls.

But the squirrels would always just get them. And I had this pole and I'd made this pole that was so high that they couldn't. But they still managed to get up it. So I put a little bit of Vaseline on the pole. And a squirrel sort of did like a... Well, it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Like a stripper move? Yeah.

Great. Went all the way down. Thrilled all the way down. Thrilled all the way down. And then I rubbed it off because I felt mean. What? Rubbed the Vaseline. That is not my menopause.

It's like... Oh, God. I don't know why. That is so funny. Oh, God. Have they got... I don't think they've got external genitals, have they? Benito.

Squirrels. Benito. I haven't seen any, have you? I've not seen any school genitalia. So, yeah, who knows? Don't know how easy it would be to rub one off. Water. We've only done water.

Oh, God. Oh, God. I don't know why. That is so funny. Oh, God. Have they got... I don't think they've got external genitals, have they? Benito.

Squirrels. Benito. I haven't seen any, have you? I haven't seen any. Your dream starter. Right. Can I have, please, my daughter's mackerel tart with salad from the 1980s? OK.

Let's... Yes, you can. Yeah, of course. We need to know more about both of these things. OK. Let's start with your daughter's mackerel tart. So, she'll do her pastry first. Short crust pastry, which she's very good at.

And she'll do it in the fridge, do it all properly. Then she does leeks in butter on the hob. Lovely. So, when she's blind baked the pastry, base first, take it out, put the buttered leeks in. And with frozen peas, so that soaks up the butter. That's really nice. Yeah. Then you layer the smoked mackerel, make sure all the bones are out.

And then it's creme fraiche, mixed with eggs and salt and pepper. Pour that on top. Mm-hmm. And then put some more mackerel and then bake that. That sounds delicious. Sounds good. It's very good. How old is she?

Ten. Wow. Impressive. That's really impressive. She's very impressive. Yeah. Loads of cakes as well and stuff, but her mackerel tart and her bread. I shouldn't really have it, but she's really good at making it.

Does she just decide she's going to do this? She's just like... It's her thing. I'm going to crack on and do this. It's her thing. She's going to have a van when she's... You know, that's going to be her job, a little food van. When did you start this intro?

When did you start getting into this kind of stuff? Couple of years ago. Yeah. About two, three years ago. What was it that... I like baking. I like... We would bake together.

Yeah. And then, you know, if I'm busy or something, she'll just do it herself then. But it's nice to do it together. Do you think the student has become the master? She's pretty good. She's really... She made me a lemon birthday cake for my 50th birthday because I was 50. Oh, you kept it?

Yeah. And it was really... Yeah. It was just... Everyone was like, oh, wow. Yeah. We took it to the restaurant. I was so proud.

I can't have smoked mackerel anymore, Bridget. Oh, God! Because I love it. And then a few months ago, I had some for breakfast. And I went bright red. A bone? Oh. No, I've got a massive throat.

I've got another throat. A massive big old throat. No, something in it just made me go... I felt like my head was going to pop off. All of a sudden? All of my blood went to my head. I didn't know that. I felt like it was going to pop off.

What happened? I looked in the mirror. I didn't feel... I just felt hot. And I looked and I'd gone completely red. But why would that happen just out of the blue? Sometimes, I think, the way... I looked it up, sometimes the way they store mackerel, there's an issue with it.

And there's too many histamines in it. So it's like I had a massive allergic reaction to this mackerel. I went, Wow! Completely red. I did. So, what do you mean salad from the 80s? Salad from the 80s was different.

You can buy a lettuce now that is more like the lettuce you used to get in the 80s, which is called butterhead lettuce. But also, I've noticed... I shouldn't really say, but I've noticed that salad items and herbs, especially sage, are not what they used to be since we left. I don't know, they're just... What do you mean you shouldn't really say that? Well, stuff is going...

You're going to get cancelled? My fruit and vegetables and salad is going off much quicker. And this is the most middle class thing I ever said in my life and I'm ashamed to say it. But sage, when I used to get sage, the leaves used to be really nice and small and thin. And they're sort of really big and chunky and hard. And they won't fry properly. And I'm ashamed that I've just said that. I'm ashamed of myself.

And you see this as a result of Brexit? It's entirely... My hard chunky sage is because of Nigel Fratt and I hate him for that. And of all the things that have happened, all the people who've lost their livelihoods and everything, all the worst things, my chunky sage is absolutely the worst thing that has happened to come out. Hard chunky sage. Why is that then do you think?

Do you think now you can only get British sage and it's harder and chunkier and beforehand you were getting like French sage or something? I don't know. But I can't fry it. Right. There's a thing called sage eggs, you don't know. What? It's butter in a pan, loads of chilli flakes, sage.

You fry all that up, the sage with the chilli and the butter. Yeah. Put it in a little jug. Another thing with the menopause is words. Is that a menopause thing? Yeah, it's the words, names, people, getting people mixed up. So what happened then? At the word jug, hidden in a scarf?

I'm going to make it you now as a mouse, running off with my words. Because he's doing the heat thing. Am I thrusting in it? No. That's ruined it now already. Sorry. I don't have to be Mr. Tumnus for all of my symptoms. For the words, I think you should imagine James as a mouse, a caster, not Gordon,

thrusting and the word is bumped away, he thrusts the word away and then it pings off into the distance. From his groin out. Groin. I mean. That might make me grasp the word quicker. Yeah, because you want to catch it before the thrusted is stopped. I'm not going to be able to not see that now.

So every single time, I'll have you know. I can't think of a word which is multiple times every day. I will now be thinking of which half of him is a mouse now? The bottom half or the top half? In the film, the whole of me is a mouse and then I turn completely into a human. No one's going to watch that. So imagine it however you'd like. Okay, so I'm going to have your bottom half as the mouse.

Because there'd be no genitals or anything. Like Mr. Tumnus. Just like Tumnus. Yeah. So bottom half is a mouse and then the top half is you. I like you and you're my friend and we've known each other. So because if it was the mouse's head and face, I wouldn't really know that and your bottom half,

that's not a good combination. No, it's inappropriate. I think it's much better to have a cute furry genitalia free bottom half. Yes. That's quite cute maybe with the tail. Yeah, you need a tail. Your top half. Now tell me, Bridget, do you imagine then,

if his bottom half is the mouse, is he on all fours, is he on his human hands as well? No, he's standing up. He's standing up on his mouse legs. Standing up on his mouse legs. Okay, cool. Yeah, my arms. Human arms.

He's actually on a bicycle. Yeah. Pretty hard to first on a bicycle. Unicycle. Just stand up. Easy to first on a unicycle. No, you'd go backwards and forwards. Yeah.

No, that would be very hard to do that. I think you'd come off and I'd be stressed. I'd be trying to think of the word and stressed about you hurting yourself. Yeah, yeah. I'll just have him standing by a pond or something. Yeah, yeah. It's a good job you got there. Is it a big part?

No, not really. How did you end up being a mouse in a film? He was casting it and then they said, what do you want to play? Yeah, they said, look, you could be, obviously you could be in this film. Choose the role. Is that right?

No. I wonder what about you made them think a mouse? I'll tell you what it was. I'd love to know who else was up for the mouse part. Well, I can tell you. I mean, it wasn't meant to be, and this is widely known. It's already been reported, but I wasn't meant to play the role. So originally it was John Mulaney.

Right. But filming in the UK during COVID so couldn't do it. And it was like two days before filming. So like, we need, we need to get someone quick. And the person playing the prince just said to the director, this is such a brilliant story. Really? Yeah.

And the director, Kay Cannon, she hadn't heard of me, but she trusted the prince. So she went, yeah, right. Who's the prince? Has he seen your stand up? He was watching my stand up at the time. He was watching my shows. At the time.

Not live. But he did watching them in the evenings and he was like, I'm watching this guy. Get in. That's why this business is so you can't take anything personally or you can't, you can't sort of be upset about anything that happens because it's so random. Yeah.

Yeah. Pretty funny. That's a great story. So like the mice are all called. So James Corden's mouse is called James. Romesh Ranganathan's mouse is called Romesh. How did he get his part? Oh, he was first choice.

Romesh? Yeah. Yeah. And then my mouse is called John because John Mulaney was made to play it. Oh, that's funny. They didn't change that. Can't have two mice called James. So they asked Romesh to be a mouse.

Yes. Romesh was always good. So they contacted me and said, do you want to do this? Films in two days time. The other mice are James Corden and Romesh Ranganathan. I was like, yeah, of course I'll do that. And how much of are you you in it like this? Yeah.

I mean, I'm not, you know, my range isn't. You know, yeah. Is it animated then? Well, I think what Bridget was asking is how much are you human and how much are you a mouse? Oh, good question. Sorry. I should have made that clear. Do you act well?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm like, for most of the film, I'm a cartoon mouse. Okay. CGI mouse. CGI mouse. Do we have to land into humans? Do we see the like in Doctor Who?

Do we see you transform? Yes. Do you have to go, ah, ah and stuff? Yeah. Well, well, here's the thing that happens. So like, yeah, the first thing we had to do was turn into humans from when we were filming. And we had to start in a very low down, crunch down position, the three of us. And then Kai-kan and Charlotte action.

And then we were to jump in the air and landed our feet. Like we've just like transformed. Right. And the first take we did at that, crunched real down low, jumped up in the air, landed. I did a big fart. A really big loud fart in front of everyone. Did you really? Yes.

Did they keep it in? Well, I don't know, yeah, it comes out on Friday. I guess I'll see. Did everyone hear? No, everyone was very nice about it. Everyone made out that they couldn't hear it, but I was like, there's no way you couldn't hear that. Was it like a nervous fart?

I think it was just the position, wasn't it? Yeah, it was the position, but also probably a bit of nerves. Yeah. I'll admit that. Have you got a loose rectum? Yeah, well, I was getting into the role of a mouse. I'm pretty sure mice just plop whenever, don't they?

Yeah. They do, don't they? I thought, surely, yeah, if I was like a human who... You've really got this character. ...just been a mouse, yeah. This is a great double-actite throat and loose rectum. I mean, I'm up for it, if you... So, you said to the squirrels...

I don't know why... The squirrel thing is so funny. I don't know why the squirrel thing is so funny. Oh, God. You can't mention the squirrel again. Oh, God. I wrapped it up. LAUGHTER

You made it to a sexy little pole dance for you. It is, but not usually smutty. I'm never smutty. Oh, God. It must be because I'm pippity. I always think of summer at my dad's house and the salads, I don't know. Everything seemed to be much more vibrant.

I don't know if it's my memory of them, but tomatoes were much redder and juicier and salad was much more natural-looking. That sounds really crazy. The salad that we used to get, to me, feels like it was all from an allotment in a way that it doesn't feel now, and I can't really explain,

maybe because it's really packaged and... That might be it. ...and washed and... You used to, when you got things, they were in season, so you could only get things when they were in season, so they were taste-fresh and nice, and now, the way things are packaged and stored,

you can get things all year round, but they're not necessarily the right time to eat them. Yeah, exactly. You want in-season 1980s salads. Lettuce. Lovely. Potatoes, maybe. Salad cream.

We don't really have that anymore. That was a really big thing, big part of the salads one. You're much younger than me, aren't you? I don't remember salad cream, but yeah. You can still get it. It's gone the way of the dodo. I think it might have a bit of a comeback, you know. Yeah, it feels like it's due to comeback.

It's actually pretty nice on a... New potato or an egg, isn't it? Or on a cheese sandwich. On a cheese sandwich, that's really good. Cheese and salad cream sandwich, good stuff, yeah. That's really good, yeah. I got put off salad cream at a young age, because a kid in my class was eating something

with excessive amounts of salad cream in it, and it built up in the corners of his mouth. And I remember seeing him doing that and thought, well, that's it, never eating that again. Is it for salad cream? Never eating salad cream again. Oh. You should have cleaned it off for him.

What? Yeah, that would have got you over your phobia of salad cream. Can I just... What? With a napkin. Drinks does a squirrel. Definitely. I'm not dressed as a squirrel yet.

Don't get ideas, I'm dressed as a mouse. Your main course. This is hard. These sorts of things are always hard for me, because I genuinely don't have favourites of things, like bands, colours, you know, food, things, you know, clothes. Things are all equally good to me. I can't, it's very hard.

So this is hard for me. But would I be able to have, as my main meal, bits from different places? Are you talking about global to pass? No, I had, right, there are so many meals that I've had in my life, but there was one bowl of pasta that I had in Sardinia years ago, when my daughter was about two and a half, three.

My mouth is watering now, I just think, I don't know how they do it. Don't let the water build up in the corners of your mouth, otherwise James will never be able to drink it again. It was very simple, it was pasta with fresh pesto and pine nuts and whatever they did with it, I don't know, but I've never had anything like it before or since. And it was a very big bowl, I think it might have been for all of us,

but I had all of it. And then my daughter sort of had fallen asleep on me when I was eating it, and I always think about that. And it was so delicious. I think they do it differently over there. What kind of pasta was it? A linguine. I think they just use really good ingredients, don't they?

Yeah, I think that's it. And I guess the setting and the surrounding as well. Yeah, and the memory, it was really windy, and we were by a beach as well. We have a surprisingly few amount of pasta dishes as the main course, don't we? We do actually. People take pasta for granted.

Yeah, but this is why I've picked this particular one, because everyone thinks pasta-pasta, and in Italy, especially on an island, like Sardinia or somewhere, it's going to be maybe oil that they've been making the same way for a long time, like maybe hundreds of years or something, and been making pasta like that for a long time,

and making pesto like that for a long time. It's not like what we'd have here. I've never had anything like it. It's just, I couldn't quite believe how amazing it was. And also, sometimes simple dishes, because I've eaten, obviously, I've eaten a lot, because I'm 50. There's like fancy meals that I've had,

or I remember once when I was in Kerala, this guy brought this fish out in this banana leaf, and me and my friend were like, I actually cannot believe how beautiful this is, the taste of it, what it looked like, where we were and everything. But I always go back to this pasta. I don't know why.

I think of all your family meals that you've had, and things like that, but... It's got to be the pasta, then, hasn't it? Do you want your daughter sleeping on you? Oh, yes, please. For this course? Can I have her? Yeah.

Two and a half years old. Sleeping on you for this course. Oh, well then, of course it's... I mean, it's a bit of a, she's all over the place in this meal, because she's had to cook the starter when she's 10. And then she's had to go back in time. Back in time to sleep on your shoulder.

What else did you, because you was talking about adding lots of different things, but this pasta seems to be the main focus at the moment. But could I... I mean, I can have a side, can't I? Yes. Yeah, yeah, we're going to come to the side dish. Also, as well, with the pasta,

I was wondering if I could have some of my dad's potatoes or chips, maybe. No, I can't. Well, it depends. He wasn't there, so he can't really be there. He wasn't there. Do you want your dad sleeping on your other shoulder? No, it'd be a bit of a noisy sleeper.

You've got some potatoes in your salad and your starter. Can he do those, then? Yeah, what's he doing to them? Well, he does cook them. I'm not sure that would go... The way that my dad cooks potatoes could be chips or... He's famous for them. Yeah, famous.

Don't know what he does. People always talk about... Everybody talks about my dad's chips and potatoes. Literally everybody. No one who's come to the house, he's been in that house since the late 50s, has ever had a potato cooked better than how my dad has cooked them.

Really? It can be chips or potatoes. Yes. And because I've got siblings who live in different countries now, if they come home that and does like, what do you want anything with chips or potatoes? Does he keep it a secret what he does with them? Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah. Have you ever watched him do it? Do you think you've picked up the knack across the years? I'm not bad at them, but it's a fluke and sometimes they're good and sometimes they're not. Yeah. He buys a particular potato and he does something to them before they're cooked

and then I think he uses very, very hot... They're just very light inside and very hard and crunchy on the outside always. That's what you want. And the perfect colour every time. Now, I feel like they've got to make an appearance because they sound so good. Well, that would be very nice.

Do you have another side dish that you... Spinach. ...need to get in? Spinach. Oh, you need to get the spinach in. So where are we going to put the potatoes, James? I mean, I'm prepared to allow multiple side dishes for this one. How are you?

Double side. Double side. I mean, it doesn't sound... I mean, there's nobody else that's had multiple side dishes. Why the spinach, though? Because spinach to me... I can't really do without spinach. If I had to live without spinach,

I'd feel like I was going to be really ill. Yes. So it's more of a medicinal thing for you? No, I love everything about it. I almost can't cope with how much I love spinach. How often do you have spinach? Once. Once?

I'd have it. You've only had it once? Most, you know, all the time. Yeah. Four times a week. Everybody else having it in your house? Or is it just you? No, I love it the most.

Like raw? Or are you cooking it? Or what are you doing with it? Don't like it raw. No. Quite good microwaved. Yeah. And or steamed.

Butter? Butter, salt, garlic. Yeah. You spent sort of a place then. If it's on any bill ever, I would always get it, but sometimes I have to say with no cream, I don't want it creamed because it's too much for me creamed. And it takes the greenness away from it,

so it dilutes the colour. Yeah. You know, it's such a vibrant, dark green, isn't it? Yeah. The most amazing green, isn't it? You do feel healthy eating spinach as well. Yeah, more than anything else, like kale or anything, it's a bit difficult.

There's something really of the earth about spinach for me. That sort of slightly metallic, irony-ish colour, just everything. If I could only have one thing that I was allowed to eat, it would be spinach. Would be spinach. For the rest of your life, you had to eat one thing and it would be spinach.

Yeah, it would, yeah. So you'd never get bored of it? Well, I would, but I mean, I only had one, that was the deal, wasn't it? Yeah, that's the deal you set up. Yeah. What would annoy me is that I wouldn't be able to like chew it. I would miss not being able to chew down on something hard.

Yeah. But then I suppose I could keep some raw and have like the stem. You could deep fry it, I suppose, make it like spinach crisps. And we know what you like with crisps. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. You wouldn't do that? No.

Do you actually not think if all you had for the rest of your life to eat was spinach, that you would delve into other ways of eating it rather than just the same way every time? I think you'd have to, wouldn't you? So you would probably open your mind a bit more to cream spinach, just for some variety. Where are we getting cream from? That's a really good point from Bridget, actually.

Because it's the spinach dish. Yeah, but you can't, if you can only spinach. Okay. You can't have garlic and butter in there either. No, but that's the point. I would just have steamed spinach. If you have one thing forever, you just have steamed plain spinach. You've got to pick one thing.

Yeah, I know. But like, that surprises me. If you said that spinach with butter and salt and garlic, that was the thing you'd have for... Okay, yeah, I'll see that. I thought you didn't say I could have other things with it. Well, we didn't come up with this at all. This was you who came up with this.

This is all you, Bridget. I mean, if it... Yeah, I was thinking of literally one ingredient, like one thing. Yeah. What do you think yours would be then? Bag of ice cream. What?

It can only be one thing, though. It can't be as part of a meal made out of it. Or because then that's other ingredients with it. Beef. You're going to just cook beef? Yeah. That's all... You'll be like Jordan Peterson.

Yeah. I'm on the carnivore diet. And he's quite angry. Yeah, he's not a happy man. So I'm not sure about just red meat. You could have steak tartare. You could have... There's all the different cuts of beef.

I'm with you on this, Bridget. I think you would turn into Jordan Peterson. If you'll be angry, if you get sick... Yeah. ...because you've not prepared it properly, basically it's just you've got water. That's all to make you feel better. I'm having beef.

I know James is about to pick ice cream, so I don't know why he's looking at me in judgement. What? Is it ice cream? Yeah. That's the only thing you can eat? Yes. Forever.

If you say one thing forever. One thing. Just one thing forever. Ice cream, please. So we need to get to the bottom of this. Side dish, you're having steamed spinach... Yeah. ...with butter and garlic...

And salt and pepper. ...and salt and pepper. And also your dad's roast potatoes. If you had to pick... For this pasta dish... Yeah. ...the spinach would go much better. I am in the rare position here,

which I'm not usually on this podcast, but I just want to see these potatoes making appearance. Because... Yeah. You know, you really sold them to us. It's quite nice that your dad has this thing that everyone always talks about. My niece made a video of him making chips. Like a documentary?

It's like a little film when she was at film school. Well, as part of her course. I'll email it to you. And then you'll see. I feel like the documentary chips have got to be on there, right? Yeah, yeah. If the chips and potatoes are so good... They are.

...that your niece has made a documentary about your dad making them, I feel like to boot them off the menu in favour of steamed spinach. It's not good enough, is it? It's a bit of a burn. No. Well, I would have picked dad's potatoes over spinach, I think. Right. If you said no, I would have thought,

well, could we not put it with the starter then, maybe? Let's do that. The spinach with the starter and the side of your dad's roast potatoes. Yeah. What's your dad's name? Pete. Pete's potatoes. It's a documentary like a chef's table documentary.

It's not a documentary. Just a little short film. Loudest beneath has ever laughed on the podcast. I don't think there's any. Your dream drink now? This seems even harder for you. One drink out of all the things I've drunk. Yeah.

Okay, so water is always my favourite drink. Okay. But you got that. That's in the bank. I've got that anyway, so that's good. I had a lavender cocktail once. Right. That was so nice.

I had about six or seven. Nice. What was in it? And where was it from? I can't remember. I looked it up last night. It was at Soho Hotel. Okay.

And I tried to get onto their cocktail menu to find it, but I couldn't. It was in a tiny little glass and it had lavender on the top and it was very lavender-y. God, it was so good. Now, this is interesting though. On this podcast, we always, every week, we have a secret ingredient that is something that we don't like, that if the guest says that they get kicked out of the dream restaurant. And it's not lavender this week, but it has been lavender in the past. I guess we'd be absolute fraudsters if we sat here and said that cocktail sounds delicious

when the listeners know we don't like lavender. I'm not a lavender fan with the smell of it, the taste of it. Absolutely not. Don't mind the look of it. Got lavender in my garden. Yeah. Been to a lavender farm before. Smell of it?

It's a lovely day out. Smell? But not a huge fan. I like the smell. You like the smell? Yeah. It's a nice smell. Don't eat it.

Do you like Parma Violets? No. It's a nightmare for the info, isn't it? Well, I'd suck it to nothing. The amount of times I've got to not say that's what you said to the squirrel is so difficult. But there's no, to watch all of our eyes go upwards there. Imagine the squirrel and then come back. Just knowing that.

But don't mention the squirrel again, so I can't do it. She just said, I'd have to suck it to nothing. I think a lot of listeners at multiple points during this podcast, from when you told us to not mention the squirrel again until now, there's been a few moments where I've been like, don't say that. Yeah. That's what you said to the squirrel. That's what you said to the squirrel quite a few times.

Any time you feel, if it pops into your head, it's fine. Well, no. Well, I don't know why I find it so funny. It is funny. I'll tell you why it's funny. You vacillated up a pole in your garden. And then because of that, a squirrel then did a little stripper slide twirl down the pole. And then you went out and you felt bad, so you rubbed it off.

So that's funny. And then it's everything on top of that that you might have said to the squirrel. Oh, God. I think it's knowing that the squirrel has done the pole dance first. Yeah. That's probably why. Yeah. That's probably why.

He was absolutely fine. He just sort of went like that a bit, you know. Yeah. Came back for more later. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. She's gone again. Yeah, that's it.

Do you know what the booze was in this lavender cocktail? Oh, God. I honestly did try to look it up. So it mainly just tasted of lavender? No. I think because there was lavender on the top that when I was drinking it, it smelled like lavender. But it was so good. I couldn't stop drinking them.

It was a very dense, definitely had egg white. Oh, yeah. Okay. Cool. It's a tiny, tiny little glass. Oh, you got barely nothing. I mean, it was in one of those posh little glasses that are only that deep. Right.

Okay. So it was diddy. So you're smashing it back. Yeah. As it's the dream restaurant. Seven of those? What we can bring a pint of it, whichever you prefer. A 10 is a nice round number.

Okay. You're turning the little glasses. Perfect. I'm going to enjoy this so much. I did also, I can't have another drink. Can I? Well, what? What you wanted to mention?

The wine that Jesus gave his disciples. At the last supper. No. I mean, can you imagine if you could get some of the, from the actual? Yeah. If you could lay your hands on a bottle of that. What? It's aromatized wine.

They've said they know from the diets at the time. Do you mean Roman times wine? That's very funny. That was very good. That was pretty good. Clever. Clever humor. That was very good.

Thank you. Bean stew, lamb, olives, unleavened bread, aromatized wine. That's what they had. That was the meal. So you're Catholic, right? Yes. Brought up very staunch Irish Roman Catholic. Have you always known the full menu of Jesus's meal with the disciples at the last supper?

No. I knew there was one. We had a big tableau of the last supper in art. Our house had all, you know, iconography everywhere. We had a big gold last supper sculpture. Right. But a scene. Yeah.

But it was like solid painted gold. Yeah. But I just used to think about who was there and what did they have and did anyone get a bit pissed and did anyone not like the meal? I bet Judas didn't like the meal. A bit awkward. A bit, yeah. Yeah.

Lost his appetite. Yeah. Yeah. Knew what he had to do. I wonder how much Jesus would have eaten. Not much. He didn't look like an eater from the pictures, right? No.

Well, but there are pictures that we've drawn from the photos. All the photos, I mean. Maybe at that last supper he was like, fuck it, I'm dying tomorrow. Just eight loads. Had loads. Yeah. Past the potatoes. Yeah.

I think that is a direct quote, isn't it? Yeah. Fuck it, I'm dying tomorrow. Yeah. I'm going to die tomorrow. Past the potatoes. Yeah. Jesus.

Put that on no context. Yeah. Make sure you cite Jesus as the person who said that. Actually, the sad thing about when most people don't, we're talking about not in accidents or things like that. When the majority of people die, it's a very calm process. And we're normally quite heavily medicated. So we don't know that much about what's happening towards the end.

But it's a shame because I think we're probably not hungry when we're dying. Yes. You'd like to think that you would go out with a bang and have all the best stuff that you've always loved and perhaps for whatever reason not indulged. But actually, you probably really don't feel like it anyway. And I guess, yeah, I guess that's the sad thing is most people don't know when their last meal is. No.

So you don't get that chance of going like, this is what I'm going to eat before I die, unless you're on death row, for example. Yeah. Or Jesus. Yeah. You have a last supper, call your mates together. Do you think you called it the last supper to them? Probably not.

No. Didn't want to spoil the surprise. No. This wine, if you had it for your meal, would you want it how it was then or now it's aged over all centuries? If it didn't make me sick, I would want the wine untreated that they had. Yeah. Yeah.

Even if I just had the tiniest, tiniest amount, that would be much better than having just the same type. Uh-huh. Is it red or white? Red, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is original Blood of Christ, right?

Yeah. This is the first... The first one. This is OG Blood of Christ. Would you just say, I'll have the Blood of Christ, please, instead of wine? OG Blood of Christ. No, I don't think I would. No, I'd say, can I have the wine that Jesus had on his last supper?

If there was any left, please. I feel like if it's just a lick of it. Yeah, you could have a lick. You know, you would just do that, wouldn't you? Oh, that's bitter. Yeah. So you just dipped your finger into that glass of water there and licked it in front of us. Which is to show you...

Yeah, but that's for the listener. Yeah. That's what you would do. You would dip your finger into the glass. Yeah, I wouldn't have a big glug of it. Would you have it before the 10 lavender cocktails, or would you drink the 10 lavender cocktails and then lick Jesus's blood? I would have it with a clean mouth, so I would drink lots of water.

Yeah. I would have this wine before I'd eaten anything. Oh, so this is like an aperitif? Well, I would fast all day. Yeah. Then I would drink lots of water. Yeah. Then I would have the wine that Jesus had.

Mm-hmm. I would clean my mouth again with lots of water, and then I would have this meal. Right, okay. Oh, yeah, well, allow that. Yeah, yeah, well, allow that. Of course, well, allow that. Yeah. Is that okay?

And do you still want a lick, or do you want a whole glass? Oh, I think it would probably make me quite ill if I had a whole glass. So just a lick? Just a lick of one. Yeah. That's what Jesus would do. Well, let's screw up. I forgot my tea.

Oh, my God. When you have a baby in hospital... Mm-hmm. ...or my toast, I forgot my toast. When you give birth in a hospital... Yeah. ...a midwife comes and gives you a cup of tea and a slice of toast. Oh, my God.

Really? And there is something so profound and moving about it. Was this the same midwife that threw the placenta really in? Was it the same? No, it was a different one. It's the act of being given... Gentleman, hi. ...giving birth.

Which... Just a cup of tea and a piece of toast. So simple. Yeah. Yeah, so meaningful and so welcomed and so needed and so kind. White bread, brown bread, what's the tea like? Yeah, it was just white, white buttered, hot buttered toast. That's what I had.

Yeah. Never forget it. I even remember how much the slices of toast were toasted. Oh, well. Yeah, and a cup of tea. I don't know if you live with people and whether you get made cups of tea a lot, but if you haven't had a cup of tea made for you in a long time, someone giving you a cup of tea is like quite a big, great thing, but if you've just given birth and somebody gives you a

cup of tea and a piece of toast, there's something really quite amazing about it. So your daughter has gone even further back now in this meal. Oh, man, yeah, here we go. So she's got... She's 10 when she makes the starter. She's two and a half when she's asleep on your shoulder. Well, we could say it was my son's birth if you want to mix it up a bit. Yeah, sure.

We can do that. Because I got tea and toast at both. Wow. I remember you ordered the second time. They did. Yeah. How do you have tea? Milk and sugar, thanks.

So I don't drink caffeinated. I drink Roy Bosch tea with any non-dairy milk. Well, I'll especially you in where you're going. Make sure that's Roy Bosch, by the way. No, no, no. That's what I drink now. But back then it was just whatever. During the birth.

My Bosch! My Bosch! Give me the my Bosch! Well, strangely, that wouldn't have been comforting to me. I don't know why. Yeah. Builder's tea is much more... Yeah.

Yeah. And I had my children before I used to drink Roy Bosch tea. Is this an extra course, James? What's going on here? Yeah. So now I'm trying to... Right. So where would we factor this thing?

So I'd like for you to have the cup of tea and toast. It's a lovely memory. Instead of Papa Doms, we could swap them out. Okay. If you want to swap them out. Because that's bread. Yeah. Toast.

Yeah. So if you want to swap... If you're not really that bothered about the Papa Doms. No. We can switch them out. You're getting there. You're washing your mouth out with water. You're licking the blood of Christ.

You're washing your mouth out with water again. Well, I haven't called it the blood of Christ. You called it. Yeah. Yeah. You're washing your mouth out with the water again. So then you're giving birth after that. So you would have to go through the whole birth for this tea and toast to taste the same,

I think. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. That's fair enough. Yeah. So you do that. And then you get the tea and toast.

And then we start your meeting. You start the blood of Christ. And then you give birth that you think maybe you've given birth to a new Jesus. It would be a new Jesus. I wouldn't make that connection myself. No, okay. No. Only...

Well, I mean, you know... But if it's sudden... Yeah, if you're not... Well, when you're licking the blood of Christ, are you pregnant in this... Is that what you imagine now? Or do you lick the blood of Christ and suddenly you're giving birth? That sounds like a macular concept. It does sound a bit of a coincidence.

And if you turn up pregnant, you really shouldn't be licking the wine anyway. I've only had it a tiny bit on my finger. Okay, and that's about it. Yeah. And they change their minds all the time about what pregnant women are allowed to not have. Yeah. So I think turn up, fasted all day, massively pregnant, my waters have broken. Yeah.

Is that the water you want? Which a mouse ran over in real life. Huh? A mouse ran over my amniotic fluid when they broke in my flat. Did it thrust? Did it stop when they made a love it and do some thrust? Slip over. The post-hands behind it.

It was so angry. Do you feel a little thrust in your amniotic fluid? I was so angry. Yeah. We used to live in a flat that just was infested with me. We couldn't get rid of them. Yeah. We had everyone, you know, what are they called?

Steminators. Yeah, all those people just couldn't get rid of them at all. I don't remember, my water's broken, my bedroom floor, and then just the mouse ran over them and it made me feel really sick and angry. Yeah. At least you saw the mouse run over them. Imagine if your water's a break and you looked down and there was just a mouse in them and you would have thought, is that?

Was that the baby? Was that the baby? It's just looking up at you. That was horrible. Yeah. Really ruined the moment. I bet it did. And then am I having my dessert now?

Yeah. My mum's apple pie. Lovely. Very nice. Most of this meal has been cooked by your family, which is wonderful. And very connected to family. Even the opening drink is from Jesus, everyone's granddad. Yeah.

It's lovely. Your son and daughter in this, your parents, husband not getting a look in. Well, no, he does make really good roast dinners as well. Yeah. But the potatoes must always be a let down though. I mean, I can't, I mean, he's really good cook as well, but we're talking about just one thing here. Yeah.

Every time he makes the potatoes, it's a very stark reminder that he's constantly in competition. You know, I have to say, I have to say, oh, they're much better than dad. Yeah. So your mum's apple pie. I thought about all the lovely desserts that I've had, really fantastic food. But if we could go back and me watching her mixing it and making it, she was really good at baking.

And she went mad once because she used to make a Black Forest Gatto and my brother Pete used to sell it at school. And she found out we went mad. Hold on. He used to sell slices. How did he get busted? He must have had some money and they've said, where did you get that from? Or maybe my older brother, because you know, I've got eight brothers and sisters.

Wow. I didn't know that. So like one cake, we would have had to have just one little slice each, presumably. Yeah. So she was really good at baking and it would always be really crusty on top. Oh, really nice. Is there cinnamon in it? No, just really simple apple.

That's it. Yeah. What are you having with the apple pie? Well, there is a town in the south of France called Mira Poire. It's a little medieval town. And we always, every year, used to go on holiday, me and my husband and kids, to a little French holiday camp place called Domaine de l'Esprit, which is in Chien. So you fly into Carcassonne and then you drive about 40 minutes south towards the Pyrenees.

And this little town, market town, used to have a ice cream van, which was from a farm, which was about 25 kilometers away, that used goat's milk for its ice cream. I've got a feeling this is the ingredient that you're going to kick me out. But they did a rose ice cream. That's been on the list in the past. It's been on the list as well, but not today. Not today. You're safe.

You're safe. And when did we first have it? Six, seven years ago. And we still talk about it. Yeah. It would take a couple of hours to drive, though, and we would go there only for that. Yeah. And we went before Brexit, and then we went after Brexit.

And it was the same guy selling us. And he said, you're English. And I said to him, he said, no, rose ice cream for you. And I said, I voted for a mate. He was joking. Everyone in the queue was like laughing at us. Please let me have it. We've come from London just to help you.

Yeah. I mean, really something else. Yeah. Get the fuck out of my shop. If you're into ice cream, I'd almost like to take you there. I'd go. To Mira Poir. I'd go to Mira Poir with you and go and have the rose goat's milk ice cream.

James, it will blow your mind. I'd love it. I've never been a fan of rose things. Normally I'm not into rose things, but if someone says it will blow my mind. It's very delicate. I would like to know what you've had because people tend to put too much in. Yeah. It's quite, I find it too heavy and too sort of floral.

You just need the tiniest, tiniest drop so that actually it doesn't taste of rose. It's just when you're eating it, you just get this like you're in a garden. You've just walked past, you know, some row, actually, is it Peter? David Austin roses. They're the ones that smell. A lot of roses don't have a scent now, which is really sad. Actually, even with my salad from the 80s, can I have roses? But there is a particular type.

They're called David Austin roses and they always have an amazing smell. It's just like you're in a garden and you could just, you don't even know where the roses are. That's how you should use floral stuff and cooking, I think. Just so that it gives you just a memory of something. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. A memory of being in a garden. That's the thing with food.

It's just, it gets you more than anything else, more than music. Smells get me and tastes more than of all the senses. They're the things that bring me back. A homemade apple pie to me is my mum who sadly died in 1997. But if I saw a homemade apple pie, I'd be right back to my kitchen when I was little. I'd go with her wooden spoon and her cardigan and I'd be like, well, this is the best apple pie ever because of what I'm thinking about when I'm eating it as well. Yeah.

Food's really good like that. And you want the rose goat's macarons cream on the side? No, it can't be in the same bowl. I'm sorry. Different bowl. I don't like food being contaminated by, I like eating food together, but say if I had a chocolate tart at the end of a meal and it came with something, that would have to be in a different bowl.

Like a bit of ice cream or cream. No, you can't be together. It would ruin it. I'm going to read your order back to you now, Bridget. And see how you feel about it. Water, you would like still water and then you wash your mouth up with it and then you're going to have a lick of the last supper wine. And then you're going to wash your mouth out of all the water again.

And then you're going to give birth and then the midwife's going to bring in a slice of toast with some tea, cup of tea, and then you would like for your starter, your daughter's maple tart with 1980 salad and some spinach. Main course, you would like linguine with fresh pesto and pine nuts in Sardinia. We've had two and a half year old daughter sleeping on your shoulder. Your side dish, you would like pizza potatoes as your side. Your drink, you would like 10 lavender cocktails from the Soho hotel. Your dessert, your mum's apple pie and mini poire, rose, goat's milk ice cream.

You want to taste it and then just feel like you're in a garden. And then you look around in the garden and there's a pole and it's got Vaseline on it. And a little squirrel just spirals down that pole. And then you feel bad. So you rub it off. Nice meal. Well, I mean, that is a meal for the gods. I feel, I feel quite overwhelmed.

So does the squirrel. Yeah, you feel overwhelmed. That's squirrel's day. That's it, isn't it? I do have to say, I wouldn't just end a meal like that. I mean, you haven't offered people coffee or cheeses or anything like that. Could I have a filter coffee, please? Which you cannot get anywhere.

Drives me bloody mental. You can't get filter coffee anywhere. You can have a filter coffee. A filter coffee, please, with any non-dairy milk on the side. Absolutely. Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Bridget. Thank you so much for having me. Well, there we are, the off-menu menu of Bridget Christie.

Thank you so much to Bridget for coming in and so sorry to that poor squirrel. Sorry to the squirrel. Thank you to Bridget. And thank you to all of you for listening to this series of off-menu. It's been a wonderful ride, hasn't it, Ed? It has. It's been a really good series. There's a lot of rumours bouncing around. It's been our best series yet. That's what people say, and by people, as you know, I mean my mother.

Yes, exactly. It's your mother. Your only link to the outside world apart from me and Benito. Yes, you and Benito tell me that the podcast has been going well this series. Yes. But you know, you could be biased. My mother, however, I know her opinions of everything else that I do. So if she's saying this is good, it must be good. Yes, but your mum says every series is the best series afterwards,

like the man who runs the Olympics. Yes, my mum is like the man who runs the Olympics. The Olympic man. After every Olympics, he goes, I think it's been the best Olympics ever. I never heard him talk, but I love that. Well, me neither. I mean, that voice was very much off the top of the dome.

Yes. Well, it was a good place to come from because I enjoyed it a lot. Well, look forward to off-menu live when you get to see a sketch of James playing Shrek and me playing the man who runs the Olympics. Yeah, there could be loads of scenarios we use for that. Yeah. Obviously all of them would be Shrek doing an Olympic event and afterwards you just say that.

That was the best Olympics ever. Yeah. Exactly. And it's me. Introduce myself. And what would Shrek say? Well, I'd introduce myself at the beginning, like Johnny Knoxville does at the beginning of each jackass thing.

So I'd be like, Ah, my name is Shrek. And I'm going to do the pole vault. Here we go. That was the best Olympics ever. Yep. Oh, it's going to be great. Bridget did not say donkey, luckily.

So we got to keep her in for the whole meal. Thank you, Bridget. Thank you, Bridget. Which also means we get to plug her show Who Am I, which is on the 14th to the 18th of December at the Leicester Square Theatre in London. Go to Bridget's website for details. And Bridget's website is bridgetchristy.co.uk.

One of the best comedians in the world. You can't go wrong. Get your tickets now. Correct. Also come and see me on tour. I'm also a comedian in the world. EdGamble.co.uk. On tour from February with my show Electric.

And buy my vinyl from edgamblestore.com. Electric. And hey, it's an end of series present to us. Why don't you leave us a review, whichever podcast app you use. But, you know, those guys over at Apple, they love a review. So if you're listening on Apple podcast, leave us a five star.

You can write a few things in the box if you want. So we're absolute star hogs. First of all, you've got to get yourself a job at a well-known publication. And then you've got to get yourself in the podcast review department. And then you can write us a review and get it published in the paper. James, that's not how the world works anymore, man. I'm surprised your mum hasn't let you know.

Oh, I thought that's what you've got to do to be a reviewer. Call your mum straight after this and ask her about podcast apps. So, man, the rest of you, don't go hungry and always eat your food. Is that what you think the theme tune sounds like? I'm pretty sure that is, but he has nodded at me and he looks like he thinks that's what it sounds like. It's sort of that through a sign.

What would you do? Well, I wouldn't do that through a Seinfeld filter. Well, let me hear your one. Yeah, but he is nodding like that's better. Wow, the end. The end wasn't as good. The overall sound was good, but then maybe in post-Benito, you could layer them both up on top of each other.

And then have Shrek singing the lyrics to the off-menu theme tune. Yeah. I think I was expecting the lyrics to the off-menu theme tune to have something to do with off-menu. Oh, it's Shrek singing it. Yeah, no, occasional references to Shrek, I'm sure, but he'd been hired to sing the off-menu lyrics. It seems weird.

You've hired Shrek to sing about off-menu and then he starts talking about his girlfriend saying Princess Fiona is my baby. He likes what he likes. I'm not going to suddenly start knowing about the podcast. He's Shrek, isn't he? There'll be about three films in Shrek, and he's very clear what he was into.

Yeah, that's true. See you next series. Bye. Don't go hungry. Hello. My name is Rob Orton, and I do the Rob Orton Daily Podcast. The Rob Orton Daily Podcast is a daily podcast

that is quite short, some are two minutes long, some are 10 minutes long, and they are stories and poems and basically all the thoughts I've ever had that I like enough to want to share with people and the Rob Orton podcast is available on Apple, Acast, Spotify, all the other places where you normally get your podcasts and on social media it is at Rob Orton podcast. Thank you! Hello! It's me, Amy Glentill. You might remember me from the best ever episode of

Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since and I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not gonna spoil in case. Get him on James and Ed, but we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the North because look, we're two Northerners, sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny, quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off and that's a new podcast called

Northern News we'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glentill's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.