Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 131: Sarah Kendall (Christmas Special)

Episode Date: December 15, 2021

It’s Chrissstttmasssss! And what better way to get into the festive spirit than with an absolutely disgusting episode of Off Menu with Taskmaster champ Sarah Kendall.Series 2 of Sarah Kendall’s sitcom ‘Frayed’ is on Sky and NOW in the new year.Follow Sarah on Twitter @sarah_kendallRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, splitting open the bag of the internet, laying out the crisps of conversation, and all eat in the crisps. Well, do you know what? That started at the top, split open the bag of the internet, and thought, this isn't going to work. Peel it back, open the crisps. Oh, you don't think about where you share the crisps? That's really good. And then the worst one ever at the end. Then eat in the crisps. Didn't even try it at the end.

We all like crisps. That's weird, because, yeah, yeah, we do all like crisps. Rosie Jones loves crisps. She would love to have done that. I like crisps. So maybe she'll enjoy that. Intro from you, Edward Gamble. Look, sometimes we record the intro after the episode. Today we're recording it before the episode, and Benita's sprung this on us because you've got to leave, James. Yeah, I've got to go and get my booster. That bad intro was your fault for getting your booster. It was my fault. James A. Castor here, except in full responsibility. This is the Off Menu podcast, Christmas Special, where we invite a guest into the dream restaurant

and we ask them their favorite ever start, a main course dessert, side dish, and drink. Maybe we'll even ask them their Christmas menu as a little bonus. And this week, our guest is... Merry Christmas, Sarah Kendall. Sarah Kendall is a wonderful comedian. She, uh, like a lot of squares, one task master. So, you know, usually a sign that you've not been the best on it, you know. The coolest dude's win task master, Sarah Kendall, therefore, is a cool dude. She is a brilliant comedian, brilliant writer, James. She's got a wonderful sitcom called Frade. She does incredible Radio 4 shows. She's great.

Sarah Kendall is the bomb. But listen, if Sarah Kendall says the secret ingredient, an ingredient that we don't like maybe, or maybe we just think it's not suitable for a meal, we will kick her out of the dream restaurant. Yes, we will. And today's secret ingredient is Kendall Mint Cake. Kendall Mint Cake, that little thing that walkers eat. It seems to be people on big hikes. Now, look, obviously the listeners probably thinking there's no way James doesn't like Kendall Mint Cake. Sure. As a kid, it was the main motivator for anything. Yeah. Anything. Yeah. Well, to begin with, it was just like, if my parents took us on a walk in the late district, it was like, they'll get some Kendall Mint Cake and be like, look, if you get

to that next, you know, the next, next marker or whatever, get to that point, we get some Kendall Mint Cake. And it was a motivator. And then just throughout life, it just became, my dad would always have some Kendall Mint Cake at this point. Always. Always. And would be like, hey, if you can tidy your bed, get some Kendall Mint Cake. If you turn the TV off and come to the dinner table, you get some Kendall Mint Cake after. If you come and eat your dinner, you'll have Kendall Mint Cake. Yeah. If you, if you, if you tidy the room. Yeah. It was all just like, you know, get Kendall Mint Cake, do your homework, get some Kendall Mint Cake. And that's still to this day. That's what happens. So why is it the secret ingredient? Because that's her name's Kendall.

But you like it. I love it. It's the best thing ever. But listen, you know, that's her name's Kendall. Even though I love it, I wouldn't put it as a meal. Right. The reward for eating your meal. Right. So even though you love it, and it's still a motivating factor in you tidying your room. Yeah. So it's just for everything, really. Pay your taxes, get some Kendall Mint Cake. It's solid sugar in it. I've never, I don't think I've ever really, I think I've had it once before. It's solid sugar held together by liquid sugar. Right. That then solidifies. Yeah. And then they, sometimes they cover it in chocolate. That was my favorite Kendall Mint Cake. Yeah. Oh, no way. No way. Yep. Well, they covered it in chocolate. You got a brown sugar one, a white sugar one,

and a chocolate covered one. Yeah. And that was the best. That was the one my dad would just always buy and use for motivators for everybody. So even though you love it and it was used throughout your childhood to motivate you to do tasks. Yeah. You still wanted to be the secret ingredient. Just because that's her name's Kendall and because I don't think it's suitable for a meal. Fine. Okay. Well, if she says that, she's out and so are you. That's the rules. That's fair enough. I think that's fair enough. I stand by it so much that I should be kicked out and then you have to do this and Benito will take my place. James, we have got our own pizza available at Yard Sale. We do, Off Menu Christmas Pizza. It's pigs and blankets at the star of the

show, brussel sprouts, crispy brussel sprouts are on there, cranberry sauce, crispy sage leaves. Delicious. I had it last night, James. It was absolutely fantastic. And also, Yard Sale, as part of that, have put on a special 18-inch garlic bread with marmite and cheese because that was my dream bread on our episode 100. It was. So, those two things are available at Yard Sale pizza locations now until the 1st of January. So, go and buy it. Every pizza sold, one pound goes to Fair Share, a wonderful charity. Yes. Also, doing a little collab with Percival clothing company. We've got t-shirts, jumpers, the occasional hoodie. Why not? With lovely embroidery of, it says Off Menu. There might be like some pizzas in there. There might be some

ice cream. You never know what you get. Well, you will know what you're going to get because you'll select it. Yeah, you'll go on the website. You can go on offmenupodcast.co.uk or go to Percivalclaw.com. And that's all available now. We're very happy with it. Very proud of it. We want to see people wearing it in the wild. I want to see people wearing an Off Menu Percival collab t-shirt while eating an Off Menu Yard Sale pizza, walking down the street being Ultimate Off Menu. And you can shout Ultimate Off Menu at the top of your voice if you do those things. Yes, and much, much respect to you if you do that. But now, let's hit the Off Menu menu of Sarah Kendall. Make a cake. Welcome, Sarah, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you so much. Oh, my lord.

Welcome, Sarah Kendall, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Yeah, I booked in advance. I knew how hard it was to get in on your celebrity guest list. Do you like booking in advance? Do you do that in general? Never. I'm one of those, let's just turn up and see what happens. And what generally happens is you end up in a restaurant you don't want to be in because all the clever people have booked into the good place. Yeah. I'm not an organiser. I'm not an organiser. I'm always with people who are good organisers. You're definitely not an organiser because before we even started this, you turned up and Benito offered you a coffee and you said no because I just drank half a coffee, put it on

the floor and then the wind blew it away. That's absolutely, that's not me. That's like an irregular weather pattern. I don't think you can blame the wind for Sarah's lack of organisation. Organised. I mean, this putting copies on the floor will be nearly losing them. The placement of the coffee was not well organised. No, that wasn't. I was going to back you up there, Sarah. I was merely trying to be on time and I was checking my Google Maps. I put my coffee down and I kind of felt, and this is no offense to you, Ben, but I kind of felt that if I rely on good coffee at the podcast, it's probably not going to happen. I need to sort my shit before I get there. Yeah. Look after yourself and be a responsible adult

and then look what happened. You were right to do that. Thank you. You're picky about coffee. You were telling us before. Yeah, I am. But as I also said before, I think it's also when you used to, I was a smoker and I think when I stopped smoking, although when I'm drunk, I'll have one or two. Sure. But the habitual smoking thing, I kind of had to put that addiction into something. I had to fixate on another thing and I drink about six or seven shots of espresso a day. I just, yeah, yeah. You just had to go at me before we started this because I'm having a coffee before. No, you were having a sausage bath and a coke. I had a sausage bath and a diet coke before midday.

You were like, what are you doing to yourself? What the fuck is that? That's not how I talk. That's not, okay, James. That's how you talk. I'm James. Like, if you're going to bring that shit, it's not bad. It wasn't bad. I don't think anyone would slug you up if you did that. Yeah. I also do Katie Hepburn. That's the only impression I can do. You want a bit? Yes. I'll tell you something for nothing, Spencer. Eyes are real diamond. That's about it. I can't think of anything else that she might say. I was going up a cliff face. I had my paints in my backpack. Okay. Would it be a good time to tell you I don't know who that is? You don't know who Catherine Hepburn is. Oh, okay. You said Katie? Yes. You about threw me.

You knew. You could adjust Catherine to Katie. I didn't know you knew her. It's like saying Hank Fonda. You don't know who Hank Fonda is. Can you work around? Henry Fonda. Oh, you're good at this. Can you do Katie Hepburn telling the story of putting her coffee down and the wind blowing it away? There I was near Monmouth Street. I got my coffee. I've always been on time when you're it. I was filming with Frank Capra at the time. We were doing a marvelous film. Do I have to keep going? Yes. You're the one who's delaying the action here. All you need to say is about the coffee blowing away, but you keep on adding details and then ask us if you have to carry on. But I thought that's what this was. I mean, I didn't know you wanted

me to just come in, place an order and leave. I thought we were meant to shoot the shit just a little bit. Yeah. Or I can place my order and go. No, no, no. That'd be such a great podcast. Well, Dan Akroy did that on our podcast. No. People liked it a lot. Yeah. Did he? He just placed his order and left. Yeah. He just he rattled on his whole menu and then tried to leave after 20 minutes and we had to keep him talking. And the only way to keep him talking was by asking him questions about his vodka. Or his UFOs. No, we didn't even get on to you. You can get on to that. No, no, no. Yes. I read this thing in Vanity Fair. Apparently, the first draft of the Blues Brothers was like 290 pages. And there was a whole alien abduction

sequence where John Lennon was like, we have to cut this down a bit. And apparently, this was a hill Dan Akroyd was going to die on. Like, we cannot lose a page of this. 290 pages. Wow. Yeah. Anyway, what are we talking about? You were finishing off the story. There I was. A flat white, as we called it. Kerry Grant was waiting for me. We had a Leopard on set. Oh, it's getting a bit brusy. It's getting a bit brusy. Stop me. What are you talking about? Stop me. So you have flat white? I am a flat white. I love flat white. I think people who are very picky about coffee and then have a flat white seems like a bit of a... Yeah, but you know how I order it. Go on then. I'm a six ounce oat milk flat white. So I've already been a bit of a prick about it.

I'm not just going to say flat white. I don't like eight ounce. I like six ounce. I don't like it milky. And I like the flat white because it's... You're like a milky. You should try black coffee. Is that me? Yeah, that's you. Easily my favourite person to wind up is Sarah Kendall. I love it. I know. I get so fucking it. I get really... I enjoy it a lot. I know. I've got a short fuse. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a angry little man. You thrown me off. I was talking about... Six ounce flat white. Yeah, but flat white's a double shot. See, often with cappuccinos, it can be a one-shot affair. But if you get a flat white, you should be getting a... If you want to be a real cunt about it, you get a ristretto. And a ristretto

is when they don't do the beginning of the pour or the end of the pour. You just get the middle of the pour. So you get a little bit of the bitterness sort of taken out. What's going on there? They're pouring it. They let it pour for a bit and then they just shove it under and then back again. You got it. All over the sides. Yeah, look how good you are. That's exactly... You move fast enough. If you move far, you've got to move fast. You've got 30 paper waiting. What do you think this is? What do I think it is? I don't know. I can't think of a thing where you have to wait. What's the thing where you have to wait? Cue. What do you think? No, because cues can move quickly. What do you think this is? The NHS hotline? No. Hey, political. I don't mind bringing it up. I think

we have to wait longer for you to come up with that. We always start on the... Off many podcasts. Yeah. I forgot the name. The sausage. The fatty tissue for the sausage. Baps gone to your brain. It's coated the arteries. My brain's full of bap. That's it. You've got bap brain. You've got really angry about James's bap. You're so angry about it. I wasn't angry. If I was... Hang on. What's that? Yeah, your small... Kendall's voice. Were you sort of like a small boy in Chicago announcing the news? Yeah. It was 1920s prohibition. What I said was that's a meaty breakfast. I didn't give you a hard time about it. I noticed. I did notice and I made everyone look at your breakfast. It's not going away.

No, it's not. You seemed less bothered about my breakfast. Well, at least you had a bit of egg in there. Yeah. You made an attempt at... Baking an egg. Yes. That's classic. Egg gamble. Egg nice. Beautiful. Look at that. I thought you weren't gigging at the moment. James's bap counter. Weird edit. Oh, Jesus. Sarah Kendall. Is that the game? Yeah. Just saying that. Yeah. Still a spark of water, Sarah Kendall. Sparkling. I'll go sparkling, please. Yeah. Yeah. Even though apparently it can yellow your teeth. Really? Is that... Yeah. Did you know that too? Were you just... I've heard it can do something to your teeth like the bubbles take something off. Which

is a shame because I got a soda stream and I drink like 800 mils of it every day. I love it. Would you kick off with it in the morning? Yeah, I do. Yeah. Yeah, especially if I'm fasting. I do the 16-8 thing. Do you? Yeah, I do. Okay. That's why I'm looking at it. That's why I'm looking at it. I haven't had a faster before. You're our first faster. I fast four days a week. So, I fast... 16-8. Yeah. Yeah. So, I only have like soda water and like espresso. Just no milk. Just, you know, you're allowed by coffee. And you're doing that today? Yeah. That's why I'm a little bit edgy. Yeah. I'm going to say just explaining the move. It's not good. Yeah.

I'm sweating. Boy, am I sweating. Sweating. I think if you didn't fast, you'd be a nicer person. This is a leading question. I mean, you say you don't like where this is going. I think it's arrived. I think we're there. The answer is absolutely. If I had it in a sausage bath, I would be like you. I'd be nice and great impressions. Fantastic wordplay. Absolutely. Yeah. This is interesting. So, when did you start fasted? I saw someone and they'd been talking about the six-day night. I thought, I'll give it a go. And it was just one of those things that just fits really sort of... It's really easy. And I can kind of, you know, eat what I want. Why am I talking about this now?

It feels like I'm being... Because you're a food podcast. That's fair. No, it's okay, right? When you say 16-8. Yeah. You fast for 16 hours. You fast for 16 hours. And then you've got an eight-hour window. You just eat what you fucking want. And you eat what you want. Go nuts. There's no, like, you're not calorie restricted in the eight hours. Yeah, it's crazy. It's like being a Roman emperor. You just go mental for eight hours. And then what really works is if you go particularly mental in the hour before you start fasting, and then you're fucking... You're all... You just have big pasta meal. You can be asleep for eight of the hours.

So, hold on. I don't think I understand this. So, you fast for 16 hours. And then you eat for eight hours. But I'm going to be awake for eight hours. Are you? Yeah, I think that's irregular. I think that's not true. Eat what you want for eight hours. James, you're not only awake for eight hours a day, mate. Yeah, you're awake for a longer and you're moving. And what times do you get up this morning? Seven. Right?

And you go to bed at three o'clock this afternoon. Yeah, what times do you go to bed? Well, I wake up earlier than I usually would. So, you woke up at what time, James? Just answer the question. Seven today. Okay. Right, and what time are you going to go to bed? Probably eight o'clock midnight. Then how many hours is that?

It's not fun, is it, James? It's not fun being picked on, is it? Oh, I don't feel like I'm being picked on. And you're next. You're next. Yeah, I'm ready. I'm ready. You're next. I'm ready. I just feel like if eight hours a day, I ate whatever I wanted. Oh, yeah? That's insane, isn't it? Look at this body.

Listen, Sarah stood up for the listener and is currently presenting her bum to us. And listen. There it is, baby. There it fucking is. It's a great body. Thank you. Congratulations. I guess it depends on... I'm just saying, I don't understand the actual thing.

I guess it depends on when you say you can eat whatever you want. It depends on what you want to eat, I suppose. Like, yeah. I want to say what I want. I'm not, like, watching what I eat during those. Like, I'm not just having a salad, like I'm having lots of carbs, lots of, you know, lots of dead animals, things with eyes, lots of things with eyes. If I ate what I wanted for eight hours, I would be dead in a week.

Yes. Yeah. Really? Yeah, because what I want to eat is everything. Is everything. The planet. Yeah, the whole planet. I take a big bite out the planet. God, I got that.

And in restaurants, I'll always finish other people. Like, what's on their plate? Like, I'm like, are you going to have that? Great. Send it over. Yeah. Yeah. I can't help myself. It's never enough. But for eight hours a day, you can be that.

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Do you think you can do it, James? No, I don't understand. But you... I'm going to do this anyway. But I can tell you exactly. You're a guy who's been, like, lean his whole life, right?

Yes. You were lean forever. Yeah, in, like, ten years' time and go, what the hell, because all your eating habits are just skimming your man. I thought people saw me ten years ago, mate. Man. People tell me this all the time,

and I see them in another ten years. I look the same, and they're like, well, you're in another ten years. You were... How old are you now? 36. Oh, mate. Nah, nah, nah.

Well, mid-40s, that's when your chickens are going to come home to roost in your mouth. People said ferties to me when I was in my 20s. My 30s don't count. Your 30s don't count. Well, apparently. That's what I was being friend with. No.

Yeah, it's my ferties, and it hasn't hit me. I went to a dietitian. Yeah. Once, I had a chat with her, and she said, look, she shouldn't have said this. Yes. This is a big mistake on her part. Rarely, early doors.

It was the first, because she... Bear in mind, she's trying to get me to go every week and talk to her and do her old food diet and all sorts. Within minute one, she went, look, you're never going to be overweight. I'm like, goodbye. Yes. Yeah, I had an ENT, say, the most dangerous thing to me once.

I thought I had throat cancer, but I actually had what's called globus hystericus, because I was so anxious that I was swallowing all the time that my throat had gone dry, and I thought there was a big, like, log in my throat. So, I had the sensation of there being, like, a rock in my throat, and I'm like, that's it. I'm dead.

This is, oh, my God. So, I go to the ENT. Which kind of helped the anxiety. Yeah, no, right. It's just terrible. Yeah, right. So, I went to the ENT, and the ENT said, look, are you anxious?

And I'm like, I'm very anxious at the moment. Like, I was like, I was a complete fucking wreck at that point. And then the ENT said, do you smoke? And I said, well, I used to smoke, and then I quit. But at the moment, I smoke a little bit, and the ENT went, oh, how many cigarettes would you say? And I went, I don't know, like, maybe three a week. And he went, well, that won't make any difference to your health.

And that's all I took away from that. That if I smoke three or four cigarettes a week, now I'm on a diet of three or four cigarettes a week. Because that won't make any difference. That's incredible that you can do that, though. Just smoke for eight hours a day, constantly. That's right. And then stop for 16.

I'm afraid of those honestly. So, you see. Yeah, yeah. Pop it up some bread. Pop it up some bread, Sarah Kendall. Pop it up some bread. Bread. Bread.

What kind of bread you got? This is the dream restaurant. So, we've got the biggest basket you can imagine. Can I say, I'd rather, because I've got a lot coming, and I don't like filling up on the bread. I mean, you can put it there, you can bring it out, but I'm probably not going to touch it, because I want to keep my powder dry.

This is interesting. I don't think we've ever had this before, where someone is going to order bread, and we will need you to specify what bread you want. I'll just go with sourdough. So, we'll bring you out some sourdough, and then you're not going to eat. I might eat one small corner of it,

because I'm bored and I'm waiting for the next thing, but I really go out of my way to not, like, I need to keep the space available for what I know is coming. Ben, do you just want us to bring you a tiny corner of sourdough? Yeah, a corner of sourdough. Really crusty.

The crusty, the knob. The sourdough knob. The what? Can I say it again? No. You the what? You had a real big smile after you said it. I was really happy.

Yeah, like, you've been a buzzer. We had the best time. Like, you appear me. Are we done? Not eating school, and you've got to pass the test. There's no such thing as a knob of bread, either. No, no. That's a nub.

Hit the heel. The heel. The heel. The heel of the loaf. Yeah, the penis. The penis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, you can bring some, but I'm probably not going to.

Oh, also, can I start with a flat white? I'd like to start the before. That's interesting. You've ordered sparkling water, so I guess we could make you a flat white, but it has to be with sparkling water. Yeah. How do you feel about that?

Yeah, go on then. Yeah, sparkling a flat white. I will not complain. I've, because I've worked in restaurants, I just, you know, whatever you do, you can, I'm not going to complain. Have you ever had a fizzy coffee? Uh, no, but I like to have a fizzy water

with double espresso. I like that as a doobly. They bring that out. I've done it by accident once. Did you? How'd it go? Yeah, it was in a rush to drink a coffee and it was too hot,

so I tried to pour some cold water on it, but it was a bottle of sparkling water. And? It was horrible. Oh. But now it's a trend. Now people put, like, soda water into espresso. Do they?

Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, well, you've fallen behind the coffee trends. I have. All I do is knock them over. High winds. Yeah. We'll blow it away in the wind.

I don't know why I find the idea of something that you've put down blowing away in the wind funny, but I don't think it's been funny. Do you know it would have been hysterical? If it landed on me, I would have to accept that that would. But it didn't. It missed me completely.

I don't think I would have laughed as much at that. Okay, well, imagine if the cup had blown away and then landed on Sarah's head like a little hat. Yeah, that's funny. That's funny again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I fell into a nun. So I went, ah!

And then fell into a nun. Yeah, that's funny. That's good. That's not bad. No, that's good. It's all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's fine.

Yeah, that's good stuff. She's fine. She's laughing about it. I mean, I'm having a good time. Yeah. What restaurant are you working? I worked in, it was called The Nags Head and it was like a British,

so it was like an English style pub that was in Sydney and I was working there when I was at university. And I wasn't very good in the restaurant, but I was very good at the bar. I was like, I can take like a bunch of orders, get them all away quickly. You know, I could take a couple of orders,

but I was really bad in the restaurant. I wasn't very good with the banter with the... Really? No. Not great. I just... I'd try a bit and then I go, fuck, I just kill me.

I can't give a fuck. You don't have to play for your head, though. You do have to flirt a bit and because it's all about tips in the restaurant. Yeah. But at the bar, you know, you're not really doing anything with tips. You can be rude as you like

because you're not sort of trying to achieve tips. Whereas in restaurants, you're trying to get the rapport going because it's like that could be an extra 50 bucks. You like the idea of you at the bar going, like, I just love being as rude as I like. One day I'll find my dream job. One day.

Where I can mix alcohol, night times and being rude. Is there such a profession? Tell me more about the nag's head. What sort of thing were they serving? What is the Australian view of British cuisine? Yeah. Well, actually, no, it was like a gastro...

Like, the pub... It was like roast... The thing that they sold it in the bar was like Newcastle brown ale. Like, a lot of those nukie brown, like, those ales. So we often had British travel... Like, people who were traveling coming in because they were like, oh, yeah.

And it was all pints and half pints, not schooners and middies. Schooners and middies, as they do in Australia. So it was all like middies. Middies. Middies, yeah, schooner and a middy. But we served everything in pints and half pints. What's a middy?

Middy is half a schooner. I think a schooner is... How much is a pint? How much is a pint? 500 mils? Yeah, something like that. Yeah. I think a schooner is about, like, maybe 300 mils. Is schooner like an actual word?

It is for a boat, isn't it? Isn't a schooner a boat? Yeah, that sounds about right. Well, it's Australia. I mean, we play loose and free with language. Yeah, yeah. It's actually a really good restaurant. But as I say, I just didn't have the people's skills

to be that friendly to people. Well, Newcastle Brownale isn't that confusing for... You got a Newcastle in Australia, right? We do. We've got an everything in Australia. So did you even know that was a...? Yeah, I did. I went to school, Jones. Should we go on to serve his main meal?

Yes. Starter first. Yeah, I'm going to get two starters. Yeah, okay. I prefer two starters. Why? I always think starters are the better food. Yes.

No. Oh, you guys have had this discussion? Oh. Yeah, of course you have. Okay, all right. Many times. You're one of the mad people that have agreed to them. I would love nothing but starters.

Hence, I don't mind your tapas. I don't mind your sort of sushi when you... They're just like small plates that are really taste-filled. Whereas I think your main, it's more like a blunt instrument. So a pile of starters is actually mine. Mini mains. They're just mini mains. Thank you. You're welcome.

You really have been here before. You had that ready to go. They haven't done the battle of it now. Two starters. I'm going to go two starters. I generally, I really like a cured meat. So I like a carpaccio anything. So I like your prosciutto's.

I like a carpaccio, like even tuna. Carpaccio beef. I like it with a bit of drizzle of olive oil. Maybe some baby capers on top. You know, that kind of stuff. Maybe a little shaving of parmesan. Just thinly sliced thing. Yeah.

Like Paulie does in Goodfellas. Do you remember when they go to jail and he's doing the garlic? With the razor. Yeah, yeah. I think about that a lot. I think about that a lot too. Every time I chop garlic, I think of him and garlic. Like I think of you whenever I'm happy in a relationship.

Can I tell him? Yeah, yeah. So I was having just a miserable day, you know, you're halfway through. It's like this war that you're never leaving. Oh my God, I'm not even halfway through. And I saw across the square, I saw James and his girlfriend and they were so happy.

And the wind had picked up and their hair was like kind of, and they were like, and they'd clearly just been like having sex or something. They were just like afternoon delight kind of. Yeah, yeah. And I was watching them and like, I was like in a park eating chips or something. Clearly being happy. So yeah.

Absolutely not clear. It's about that. Sam's mind just don't open with a tear. And I've also edited this completely because I was asking. James sent out a Johnny on. It was really so. The center French letters hung in the air. And he had his arm around her and they were so,

they were so in love. And I was just watching them and I think of that like once a week. And when I see James, I talk about it because I'm like, I think of you frequently. Whenever I'm happy in love and I'm like, I think this is like that day like James looked like it's just like a, you know, your brain goes back to. So whenever you're in a happy relationship, you think of James.

Yeah. And I think of James that day. In a relationship that failed. Terribly not only failed, but failed terribly. It wasn't even like, it wasn't even like a, you know, like even score at the end. It was like it was a failure, complete failure. And I have dressed him.

I was like, James, on that day, were you wearing a denim jacket with like a woolly collar to it? And he's like, no, I've never owned. Never won. So I've dressed him. Yeah. And I've also, you know, Vanilla Sky, how Tom Cruise remembers the Bob Dylan album cover

and he thinks it's him and Penelope Cruz. Right. I think it's the Bob Dylan album cover now. It's like, it's James is Bob Dylan and he's got his, and he's dressed like Bob Dylan. Like I've just completely edited this memory. So do you also admit that you yourself have added in the detail

that I looked like I just had sex? No, she actually had come all over the channel. No, I'm certain of it. I'm absolutely certain. She was splattered in come. Like the Bob Dylan album cover. Like the Bob Dylan album cover from Vanilla Sky. Remember?

When you say that when you're in a happy relationship, you think of James because of that moment. You're the only person in the country who associates James A. Caster with happy romantic relationships because the rest of us have watched his shows. Right. I know. That's why I get it.

I get why this is so wrong. And not only that, every time I see James, I'm like, James, I thought of you like just recently because I was really happy. And I thought of that day when you're in Edinburgh and you're waiting down the street. And I just felt like I saw and I, when James, like if I outlive James and I go to his funeral,

I'll just have this really poignant memory of him. I mean, you'll probably outlive me with the age difference. And I smoke three cigarettes a week. So the odds are stacked against me. But I just, I feel like it's just really, I don't want to die and take that memory with me because I feel like I was the only one who saw you on the best day of your life.

No, don't make me. Can't believe I didn't know this. This is lovely. I missed that denim jacket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It feels like a Casio Ishiguro kind of like remains of the day kind of, yeah. It's the fleeting aspect of life and life.

I'm glad you had that moment at least. You've got it and you carry it around with you. And I've put it out there. So now other people can paint the picture in their head. I think everyone else would struggle to imagine me that happy. Oh man, you were the happiest man. It was really beautiful. I'm going to have obviously like,

I'm currently in a very happy relationship. But really, I'll have to go home now and say to my girlfriend, let's find out where Sarah Kendall lives. Just walk down the street, up and down the street, and look at as happy as we can to sort of replace that memory. Yeah, it's true. I need to overwrite the memory. Because that's a problem.

Every time you retell a story, you overwrite the memory. You overwrite the hard drive. So I've overwritten the hard drive so many times. There was like an octopus. There's quite a lot of pressure then for when you and your girlfriend now meet Sarah together for the first time. Because it's never going to happen. We don't socialize.

It doesn't work for me. But that will be awful. I'll tell you what, actually, honestly, on the flip side of all this as well, sometimes in my current relationship, we're walking down the street, and if we're laughing or something, I do think... Do you?

Of you. Do you? And think, I've seen a Kendall so much now. Oh, that's a really satisfying loop. Do you mean that? Yeah, I do mean that. Is she dressed as a Ziggy Stardust? Yeah, I'm a spider from Mars.

Hello, loud but yeah. Any time we're walking around and like... The wind picks up, your hair's kind of fluffed up. Yeah, I'm like West Kendall. Well, every time the wind picks up from now on, I'm thinking of you. Coffee all over your head. Coffee all over.

Nones laughing. So you're having cured meats. I'm going to have cured meats, but I want to, because I'm a two-starter person, I'm also going to get some moisters. Yeah, okay. We need to specify the meats. Are you going beef carpaccio?

Yeah, I will go beef carpaccio. With the Parmesan. Yes, please. And some capers and maybe a little bit of rocket around the pot. Maybe just on the circumference of the dish. Yeah. We don't want... Rocket around the Christmas tree?

Because it's Christmas up in the night? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Doesn't matter. No, it's a little pun. It's a song. It's a what? You said maybe a bit of rocket around...

And you said rocket around the Christmas tree. Yeah. Rocket around the Christmas tree. I don't think it was one that we... We shouldn't hang around on that. Is that a song? Rocking around the Christmas tree is a song. I didn't know that.

Never heard it. Never heard it? Never heard it. What Australian Christmas songs are they? Koala Bears and Prawns. No, I don't... I did that purely for you. Yeah.

You know what? I would have believed that if you'd stuck with it. Koala Bears and Prawns. Koala Bears and Prawns. Koala Bears and Prawns. It's a lovely sunny day. Schooner in the back. Mervin.

Yeah. Oh, beautiful. Can fucking... Yeah, yeah, shit. And I would believe that an Australian Christmas song just finishes with someone trailing off saying fucking. Yeah. You can fucking...

You stupid fucking... Come on, everybody. That's good. It's not bad. It's pretty good. I'd sing it every Christmas for sure. I've seen most at comedy clubs. So what did you just ask me?

You said the rocker thing. Okay, no, but I'm going to get oysters, but the very specific oysters. Do you remember there was one year in Edinburgh and they were like brothers who brought oysters to the Pleasants Court yard. Yes. And they were the best oysters I've ever had in my life.

They used to do it quite regularly. Oh, geez, they were great. And they used to wear kilts. That's it. And they'd go around with their basket of oysters. That's right. Now, from the West Coast, I think, and there's just something about those really cold

North Atlantic currents. God, they were good. Those are the most memorably good oysters. I never had a bad one. And you could either get them with lemon and salt or just a bit of Tabasco. And they would just... Those guys owe them their oysters.

Because it's something that people are suspicious about oysters naturally anyway, I think. Rightfully. And then if a man comes up to you in a courtyard and offers you an oyster, I'd imagine the suspicion levels are slightly higher. But it was good stuff. They knew that they knew their stuff.

Yeah. And they were good with papal, too. Yeah, they were. They were really pushing in on that angle of the kilts and the... Which at the Edinburgh Festival, you know, that's going to work. But they were great. I don't want six.

Six isn't enough. 12 makes me want to spew, so I'm going to get nine. Nine. Nice. I always would have those oysters in Edinburgh because Aphrodisiac in it. So I was off to... Yeah. There you go.

You know, Kendall knows that my day was intact. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Those afternoon delights don't sort themselves out. Have an afternoon delight. That's right. Kendall calls it. Pop on your denim jacket.

Yeah. The furry collar. One oyster denim jacket. I'm off. See you, ladies. If the vans are rocking. The oyster van. Or walking.

The oyster van. There was an oyster van. There was an oyster van, to be fair. You're in the oyster van. I'm literally having the oyster van. You eat all the oysters in the van. Yeah. If the vans are rocking.

Afternoon delight. Afternoon delight in an oyster van. Oh, God. So those are my two starters, please. OK. Well, like, I think we can accept two starters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People have tried to find bigger loopholes.

And I think, I think that one. What did Dan, I could have. I did. He spoke so fast. I got home. Really? Your dream main course. Yep.

Now, I'm going to ask a favour here. I don't do dessert. Don't like dessert. I don't care for desserts. Right, right, right. But hang on. I just want to, all I want to do is swap a dessert for a main. End of the event.

What? Two mains for a, can I swap a dessert for a main? Fuck you. Do you think that's making it better? I just thought maybe they could. Sarah, I think this is a really good idea. Because sometimes we have people's, like. I've already, look, we know that, what's the time?

I've got to go and have my booster anyway. Yeah. I've got, I've got, I've got my booster. Yeah. I mean, I can just leave. Yeah. You know what? I don't even have to sit here and listen to this.

Sarah, this is really good. This is an interesting idea. So you want to take, I agree. You know, sometimes you don't want a dessert. I never want, dessert is for babies. Dessert is for babies. What kind of adult finishes a meal and goes, now I want cake.

Like, how many fucking calories? Most people. It's very pure oil. I find it disgusting. Delicious. I think it's disgusting. Disgusting, isn't it? If I see somebody.

You've had babies. You've had two starters and two babies. It's for babies, right? It's for babies. You're, you're, you're full of salt. You're a salty little dog. Yeah. A salty little dog.

Yeah, fine. Lovely. Sounds nice. Okay. Oh, right. Whoa. I need some sort of system here. Okay.

So, Sarah. Yeah. Should let you know. Yeah. That James loves dessert. Yeah, I've noticed. I picked up on that. He does get quite angry if people have a cheeseboard or

trying to skip dessert. Oh, for the love of God. We've never had someone try and trade in a, a, a, a, a, a, It's just gluttony. A mane for a dessert. It's just fucking, you know, you had two starters and two maids. Yeah, but tiny, tiny.

Change your middle name to gluttony, mate. No. So, let's. No, I will not. All right. Fine. I'll get a dessert. Fine.

I'll get a dessert. Yeah. I'm going to get a bowl of ice cream. No, no, no, no. Yes, a bowl of ice cream. You don't get a dessert if you don't want a dessert. I don't want to. You want to trade out your mane for a second dessert.

I'd say, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want, no, I want to trade all of it for one big bowl of ice cream. Fine. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And with a cake on top. With drizzled in chocolate. I knew it. You need to grow up, James, and join the adults. Get out of the fucking paddling pool. I'm the happiest person you've ever seen in your life. No, not really.

You admit it. Yeah, you've got. And that's true. Every time you think about being happy, you think of me. I forgive you. You should eat more desserts. But we've already, like, we know that I'm deluded, and you completely.

That when you saw James that day, he just had sex. That's how happy he was. I'll tell you for a fact, he just had some pancakes. Yeah. That's most likely true. He just saw a chocolate bar in the gutter. His little eyes lit up. That reminds me of chocolates.

I was laughing. My girlfriend thought I was in love with her. No. I'd seen an ice cream. He saw a Twix. So, look, let's talk hypothetically here. So if you were to trade out the dessert for another main, talk us through what the top place main is, the main main,

and then the one that you're subbing a dessert out for. Right. So my top place, it was difficult. I had two. This is hard, because usually when people do this. Is it the end of the episode? I find out at the dessert, Kendall's doing it now at the main course.

We've still got drink, side dish. Christmas. This is my problem. And a little Christmas one. And I don't want any part in this. You don't want, so we're done. That's it. That's it.

No. That's how this ends. That's always a bad sign if you've got it. Yeah, that's your sausage bap and your diet coke. Oh, I tasted it as well. I bet. I mean, oh, Ben got a waft. Ben got a waft, wasn't it?

I mean, that was, I do apologize, Benito. First time I've ever apologized to Benito. Yeah, you're in the right company. You're in the right company. I vow here, it's the last. I would never apologize to him again. Really? I had a problem with the main course,

which is that I love your fatty meats. I like your duck. I like your lamb. That's kind of my favorite thing to order if I'm in a restaurant. Also, I rarely cook those sort of meats at home because I'm not very good at it. So I like a, you know, a well-done shoulder of lamb

or again, like, you know, like your roast duck, pancakes, anything duck, fatty duck, good stuff. However, my favorite meal ever that I ever had the happiest, like the one I would think about, other than what I think of James, the happiest meal, I had a lobster tail spaghetti in Havar that was, and everything was just perfect that night. I was in this beautiful sort of cobbled, you know,

it's built by the Venetians and it was really hot and the food was great and everything was just perfect about that night. So I'm really having trouble. And then I thought maybe I can have like a little sort of lobster tail spaghetti, but then also maybe get a side of fatty duck. Interesting.

So not only are you trying to sub the dessert out for a main, you're also trying to sub your side out for a main. I think so. Yeah, I think that's what I'm doing. I've got so much respect for this. Three mains, no dessert, no side. Two starters, three mains, no side, no dessert. I'm not fucking around, ladies.

Have you heard what the drinks are going to be yet? That's a schooner of beef Wellington. So, so essentially we've got the lobster spaghetti, delicious, that sounds amazing. I just want to ask the waiter. What would you like? Do you have everything? You've got absolutely everything.

Yes. All right. Would you recommend the chef's lobster tail spaghetti or whatever fatty meat that I just like? What do you think you've eaten here at this restaurant? This is from your mouth. This is from your mind though. So you've eaten this lobster spaghetti before.

So we can get you exactly that lobster. I'm going to go the lobster tail spaghetti. I'm just going to go the lobster tail spaghetti. Lobster tail spaghetti with the side of fatty duck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Roast, is it like roast duck?

Like I had one last night in Chinatown and it was just exceptional. And you want that one? Yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah, the one from Chinatown. I mean, take your pick. They're all great. Yeah.

So lobster tail spaghetti, roast duck, and then one other main that's subbing out for the dessert? No, no, no. I think that's, that's, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, I only wanted to sub out the dessert because I thought if I can get the best roast duck in the world,

I'm going to get it here and I'm going to sub out dessert. Because you've also got a side dish now that you could have. I do. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what, what, what, what, what, what's going on? Hang on, hang on. Where are we?

You're right, mate. What is going on? Well, I mean, it's up to you. If you don't want to bring me a side dish, I will make the duck my side dish. Yeah. Okay. All right, that's fine.

I'm happy to. So now what's happening with the dessert? There is no dessert. You're getting exactly what you want? No, I'm not. No, I'm not getting a dessert, but I'm not asking you to bring me something to replace that dessert. But you're still not getting a dessert?

I'm still not. I'm just going to say don't worry about the dessert, but I'm not ordering two mains. I haven't tried to sub anything out yet. We've got the two starters. We've got lobster tail spaghetti with a side of fatty duck and no dessert. I don't care for dessert.

I mean, unless the waiter wants to try to talk me around. Try to talk me around. Look, how long have you not cared for dessert for? I don't get it. I don't get it. You don't get it. Why at the end of a meal? You've had a meal.

You've had all the food you could possibly want. No, you haven't. You suddenly think that you're entitled to a big dish of cream and sugar. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? What, you thought you were entitled to your lobster tail spaghetti a minute ago?

Yes, because it's dinner. It's dinner. Yeah? Yeah. What is, or what do you think dessert is? Describe, what are you going to have? What's your dessert? Oh, I mean, it's lobster stuff.

Oh, fuck, here we go. Here's little baby James. Big bowl of smat. I just find it disgusting. I find it disgusting. It's not disgusting. Oh, maybe I'll just look. Maybe I'll just have a look.

Oh, should we get that to share? Oh, fuck off. You've had your dinner. Fucking pigs. Listen. No wonder this fasting thing works so well for you. Yeah. You don't even...

I am so hungry right now, but I am so hungry. This is awful. I know. So don't try the fasting thing, James. Yeah, no, don't. Because the only reason it works for Sarah is she doesn't crave anything. She doesn't crave anything nice.

Oh, I know. I don't like, nice things are for naughty people. And I'm a good girl. Do you want a cheese board? Yeah, go on. Yeah. Because it's savoury for big people. Not for big people.

It's for people who pay tax. It's for people who know what divorce feels like. Oh, they sound like great people. They're adults, James. Oh, I can't wait to... They live in a world of negotiating and giving up on dreams. We understand what being an adult feels like. You know, we don't expect to be showered in lollies.

We don't expect it. Listen, I speak for the whole dessert living community. Well, I say, we don't expect it. It's nice. It's just allow yourself to be happy. Yeah, sure. And have the nice thing. It's not going, ah, I deserve this.

You know, it's also nice fur coats, but we don't do that, do we? No, we don't. I don't do that. No, right. I won't take them jacket with a... Yeah, with a semen splashed all over it. Or something.

I don't know what you did that afternoon. I wasn't splashing semen anywhere. All right. Can you say semen on this podcast? Yes. You say what you like on this podcast. I will go check. I will go cheeseboard.

What the fuck are you talking about? Why have you got even worse? You've got the cheeseboard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want adult cheeses. The really adult ones. Like blue cheeses and stuff, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And a bit of quince. That's delicious. You little prick. Come here, prick. Want some quince. Worst Christmas ever. Yeah.

Worst Christmas ever. I don't want savory biscuits with it, too. I want savory. Savory biscuits, some quince and some adult cheese. Love this. It's the worst Christmas. Good. What do you like on Christmas?

Well, that's a very interesting question because something happened over the course of my lifetime. Christmas pudding. Yeah. Big fucking bowl of Christmas pudding. When I was very young, we were still imitating the sort of

northern European winter. So all of our adverts were people in jumpers around logfires and in carving roast turkeys. And it was like 42 degrees. So all of our branding and advertising were still very much geared towards the sort of the mother country idea of Christmas. But then throughout my lifetime,

we started to just really embrace the fact that that's not who we were. So often we have really big seafood cookups. So we'd go to the fish markets, get a really big snapper, put that on the barbie, get oysters, prawns. It tends to be a more sort of seafood-y summer kind of.

Okay. Yeah, so I love that. That's kind of, that's my absolute sweet spot. That sounds nice. Yeah, I'd love that. Yeah, yeah, it's nice. And I kind of, you don't feel quite as like that heavy lethargy after the sort of roast meal.

Do you still wear a paper crown or does that feel weird when you're eating the fish? None of that, none of that. No paper crown. No. No, we don't, we don't mix up all the imagery of... No, that would be weird, wouldn't it? The paper crown thing I don't remember ever doing in our house.

My mum was always very depressed over Christmas. So I kind of absorbed that. And I also get depressed over Christmas. I don't enjoy Christmas. Is that why you're in a bit of a bad mood today and not having puddings? No, I'm just hungry. No, I'm hungry talking about food,

which has made me a little bit edgy. I'm also getting a real sweat on. Yeah? Yeah, real sweat on. You're wearing a very thick jumper. Oh, yeah, yeah, you're so supposed to sweat pants there. It's really, really, the other one's worse. My right one's worse than my left.

And my left one stinks more than my right one. Really? Oh, wow. Yeah, that is way worse than the left one. I actually know that the left one was sweatier than the fourth. It's pretty impressive, isn't it? Still good, yeah, yeah. I sweat profusely.

I have a thing called hyperhydrosis and it'll come out of nowhere. And it's got nothing to do with my stress levels. It's not triggered by anything. Sometimes I'll be like, at my computer, I'll be writing. And then I'll feel these rivulets of water dripping down my elbows onto the ground. And it's just released like a fire hydrant.

Yeah. Oh, shit. It's just like a pissed my armpits. I go, oh, fuck. And I can hear it dripping on the ground. And I'm like, what's broken in my flat? And I realize it's coming from my elbows. Your pits are broken.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just coming off in like just nuts. I get really sweaty mitts as well. Really sweaty mitts. Yeah. And I can't control it. There'll be times that are really high anxiety and I'll be completely dry as a bone.

I'll be like, that's crazy. I feel fine. Is it stinky, stinky sweat? Yeah, it smells. Yeah. Yeah. This smells like grilled meats and stuff. It's piss.

Just smells of piss. It literally smells of, and I don't know. It actually, that smells like urine. Yeah. Maybe I piss out of my armpit. Yeah, maybe. I shit out of my... When was the last time you had a normal piss?

Like just a really normal area. Oh, that's a good question. Look at you, doogie-houser. You just got to the bottom of that. Maybe all your piss is coming out your armpit. Oh, that's nuts. Well, I'll worry once on Taskmaster. They had to do a task where they had to sweat

and gather an egg cup of sweat from themselves. And he said that biologically or whatever, chemically urine and sweat are the same thing. So he just pestered into an egg cup or whatever. But then they didn't let him have those points. They didn't give him the points. That's very Greg though, I mean. So I don't know...

The Emperor can, you know, you never know which way it's going to go. Well, I mean, it went your way, didn't it? Yeah, I mean, I'm still, it's perplexing. I mean, that, I know, that is a perplexing outcome. Did you two have to face each other? No. No.

You didn't do champion champions together? No. No, Sarah was the series after that. So you're now... Would that mean that we face each other? No, we're not. So you're... You just did champion.

So, yeah, we just did it. So, yeah, you'll be in the next batch, I guess, because... After God might be in that batch. Yeah. No. Why would you be in that batch? You're in the first five. Champion.

Yeah, you're in the first... You're in the second five series, so... Champion, though. You weren't champion. You were second bottom. Oh. Did you just try to just... Do you just try to muscle your way into the champion

and champions without actually being technically a champion? Carry government won your series, so that's why she was on champion and champions. Like when you saw me in Edinburgh, it's like people remember things differently. Yeah. You've really misremembered this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why are you assuming that it's me? No, I remember distinctly. I think Carry won. Yeah, Carry won. I think there was actually a trophy given to Carry. Everyone remembers the final episode of series seven, Carry won, and you were sat there, second bottom, covered in cum.

It's no fun. It's no fun. Of course, everyone remembers. Yeah. Greg Davis ejaculating onto the... All right, that's right. Out of his armpits. That's right.

Lifted his armpits. Yeah. Oh, little Alex Horne was playing a banjo. Double shot. And boom, right in the eye. Got you right in the eye. Double shot. Yeah, but you literally...

You avoid it for the first bit and then just get in for the middle bit to take away some of the bitterness on either side. That's right. A ristretto shot. Just rather. Just a ristretto, thanks. I wonder if I sweat so much

because I've got so much hair on my head. Yeah, you've got a lot of hair on your head. Interesting. It might have pushed the thermostat above what it can tolerate. Well, I mean, while we're talking about this kind of stuff, you know, who knows how much of this is going to end up in the podcast.

This is the most vile one we've ever done. But, um... Thank you. Before we recorded, you went to the toilet. Did it shift? Then when I... Well, yeah, you missed the thing. Yeah.

You went to the toilet for the amount of time that I would say... Takes a piss. It takes a piss. I shit so fast. I know. I already knew what I was going to have after. Yeah, yeah, I know.

It's crazy. Everyone who's ever lived with me are like, how did you just do it that fast? I'm like, not only do I shit fast, but I'd say I shit as often as I piss, but it's not diarrhea. How incredible is that? But also, you don't hate your nose.

Straight out the nostril. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I sneeze. You shit as often as you piss. No, look, that's a bit of hyperbole. I have never heard someone say with such pride,

but it's not diarrhea. But wait a second. It's not diarrhea. But it's not diarrhea. Diarrhea is a shortcut. I feel like, for anyone who's like, I shit all the time, I'm like, yeah, but it's a diarrhea.

That doesn't count. I do healthy, well-formed stools, but frequently. But frequently. I use the fasting. Yeah, it must be. I think it's the fasting and the double espresso. Fucking clear a path. Get to the bathroom ASAP.

The thing is, Sarah, you came in here and you had to go at James for eating a sausage wrap and having a diet coke. Yeah. And everything you've described so far about your own life. Yeah. You are the unhealthiest person I've ever met. You think? I think it's healthy.

None of them. What is that? And I shit all the time and I sweat buckets. You sweat buckets onto the floor and it smells of meat. Yeah. And piss. Sorry, piss. It smells of piss.

You shit as often as you piss. Yeah. Your throat is dry as a sandwich. Very fast. Your dry throat in the world? I've got dry, yeah. I've got such dry throat that I think I'm dying. Because all the moisture's leaving your body out,

your armpit. Yeah, and I'm swallowing so often that the muscle is exhausted. And you've blamed all of this on the fact you've got quite a lot of hair. Yeah. Yes. I know. It's like a 14th century doctor.

Yeah. And well, you've got hair. You've got hair? Yeah. Yeah. First of all. There you go. I know.

But then I wonder if I'm getting all these nasties out of my body that it's going to keep me in a very healthy state. So if I'm just shitting out all these things all the time, what are you guys keeping locked in? Sure. Think about that. Sure. Doogie.

Maybe you should think about that. Maybe you should think Ponnett. We'll think Ponnett, Doogie. Yeah. It's all in you. It's all you're walking around carrying that. Sarah's got it out. Sarah's got it out by 10.

Yeah. I think I'd prefer to just go through my day and only do one maybe rather than every 20 minutes. I do so. It's not every 20 minutes. But it's like I can't remember ever being constipated. Right. I just it's just not in my mind.

I'm kind of similar. Right. I can remember two occasions. Right. So it's not like I know some people who frequently go like two days without a shit. Are you insane? Yeah.

Yeah. Do you know people like that who go? I have met people like that and they think they are normal. They do. And then you're like that's not nor. You should be going at least once a day. Yeah. They're like nah.

I was away filming something and I don't know. Nervous or bad food a whole week. Nothing. And then on the seventh day. Oh boy. I was like there's something happening here. And I did go into the toilet normal. Yeah.

Normal poop. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Then went back into the hotel room and was like I feel like that's not done. Another full poop. Yeah.

Right. Seven poops. Amazing. Like they were all backed up. Yeah. Oh wow. That's a that's a good one. We don't have to include that but.

I mean probably do. I love talking about post stories. I've got a question. Oh no. Is it bad? It's bad though. I think I mean I don't know. Did the other wiping get unpleasant?

Did you graze your hands? That's a good question. That is a good question. I'd say not. Bernice's got his pen out. I don't remember. I think I was so happy that it was going on. Yeah.

So relieved. You wouldn't mind. So relieved that I wouldn't mind a bit of over wiping. Also after the hotel room you can lean across. You wet the toilet paper. Exactly. You sponge a bit. Yeah.

Yeah. My brother had this saying. It made me laugh so much when he said it. You know those poosies we have to keep wiping. And he said oh mate. It's like you've got a brown cray on hanging out your arse. How funny is that? Brown cray on hanging out your arse.

Every time you wipe. Oh for God's sake. Oh I just imagine your family at Christmas. They're all made up. They're not entirely made up. What a Christmas episode this is. I'm so sorry. In that case I guess we're ending on Dream Drink

which we have never done before. You've never ended on Dream Drink. Well no. No it's normally on dessert. We've never ended on dessert. We've never ended on dessert and it is very nice. We have covered that. See I had a bit of a problem with the drink thing

because I don't really like alcohol that much. I know. I drink to get drunk but I'm not into the taste. I don't like a wine. I don't like wine accompanying my meal. I don't get wine. I don't get people who are into wine. It's not a taste that I go oh that's delicious.

I'm like yeah I can drink it which is... I'm just there to get drunk. I'm not there for the deliciousness of the... That's fair enough. Yeah. So I think my only drink requirement. I do like just a beer that remains cold. So the second it dips below that really lovely cold temperature

it just gets instantly replaced by another super cold. You don't have to be alcohol. You said you don't really like alcohol but you've chosen an alcoholic drink. Yeah I can. But you like getting drunk. But if your Dream Drink is different I mean... I mean I don't...

Yeah I'm just not... Imagine if it was a milkshake. Yeah a nice trucky milkshake with some peanuts on top and so... Peanuts. Yeah okay. I'll take that at this point. Is that what people put on sweets? I don't know.

So yeah you don't have to have booze if you prefer a different drink. Yeah I'll have one beer just because there feels like some sort of ceremony about having a really cold beer. So what beer do you want? What's your favourite beer? I don't give a shit.

Lager. Or a paleo? I don't mind a paleo. You know what? I'm really hoping because every now and again you know the listeners to this podcast kick off a bit and you know really go after someone on social media Yeah.

There's a lot to go after. I'm already fantasising about all the stuff that you're going to get. Really? Yeah. What do you think was the standout? Well they'll be... Fantasising. What's the pile on going to be?

What is it? What do you think? Well I think some people would be like you know they didn't even care what kind of drink she had. Who the fuck doesn't even have a favourite drink? Doesn't care about that, doesn't care what kind of beer it is. No I think people would be fine with that. Do you?

No you don't. So not fussed about drinking that. Really? I mean if I have to... I'm trying to give them ammo here. Sure. And I will push back and say if I have to... I'll say a Koopa's Pale Ale.

I do like Koopas, it's an Aussie beer and I'll get a Koopa's Pale Ale if I have to nail it down to something. But if you brought over just a pint of Stella or you know I just... I'm really... I'm not going to send it back. Yeah.

It's not a hill worth dying on. It just seems a shame to end the episode on that. Yeah it does seem a shame. So I'll... Yeah. I'm not going to send it back. Thanks very much for coming on The Offer. I think we've had a lot of conflict.

So it feels like... Yeah it's been nice. I mean I have felt very angry throughout this. And then like... Which is a shame because now Sarah's going to have a different memory of you in her head. It's not going to be the case, don't you think? No I don't think so.

This has gone on for too long. Now it's gone on for too long. This has been a decade of me thinking of... I'm not joking once a week. Yeah once a week. Think of how happy I looked. Yeah yeah yeah. Even if the wind blows someone's hair.

But I think of James A. Castor being happy. So that's why you didn't mind the coffee this morning because you just thought of James A. Castor's hair. This is so like James. This is so James. He's so happy. I just laughed to my... That's so James.

Do you know the drink that I... I... It's not a great answer. I also just really like Coca-Cola. I just still love a Coca-Cola. Classic Coca-Cola. What did I get a bollock in earlier? There was something about it with a sausage

bap before 10 that felt like a... It felt... It felt dangerous but... Yeah. Do you want a Coca-Cola as your drink then? You don't have to have a beer. You can have a Coca-Cola if you want. Yeah don't mind a Coca-Cola.

Diet Coke or full fat? Full fat. Okay some of this is going against what you've said for the entire episode. Yeah in what way? Because it's a confectionary. Very sweet. Is that my confectionary?

I said I don't have it very often. James, how are you feeling about it now? You seem happy about this. Someone having a can of Coke as a dessert. A bit better, yeah. And you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to turn it into a spider. I'm going to have a dollop of...

I'm literally going to turn it into a spider. So in Australia a spider when I was growing up, a spider was a Coca-Cola with ice cream in it. Call it a spider. That feels like, especially in Australia, that could cause some pretty big mix-ups. Oh hilarious mix-ups. Can you imagine?

Can you imagine? It might look a little something like this. There's a spider behind you. Crikey! Stone the crows. I thought you meant a redback and sing. Yeah and then the other way around. Do you want a spider?

Yes please, that sounds delicious. Not a funnel, when? And sing. I love improv. I love improv. You're really good at it as well. I'm pretty good at it. I'm very much a yes guy.

Yes and. Yes and. It's pretty much all you need to know. Well your menu has mainly been no thank you. And you will do the thing that I asked you to do. Thank you very much. Well I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it.

I don't know what to do with it. How do you feel about me putting some ice cream in my spider as an older branch? I feel like it's to appease me, but I don't mind at this point. What would you call that? Coke float. Coke float, yeah.

Coke float. Yeah. There you go. Spider's quite nice. There you go. I always call it a spider. Coke float is also where I keep on my change to buy my drugs.

I'll read it to you and then see what you think. Oh good Coke float Joe by the way. Thank you, carry on. Water, you're on sparkling water and a flat white. I'll come back to that. Yeah. Popped on some bread, a corner of sourdough.

Yeah. The heel. The heel. Starter, beef carpaccio with capers, parmesan and rocket, plus nine pleasant oysters. Yep. Main course, lobster, towel, spaghetti, side dish, roast fatty duck from Chinatown.

Christmas meal, you have a seafood barbecue. Drink, a spider. Yeah. Dessert, cheese board. Yeah. Are we doing that or are we going to do the spider as dessert and get rid of the cheese board? And move your flat white to your drink.

Oh whatever you want, I don't give a shit. That is actually the only correct answer in this podcast, really. Everyone should care. That was literally the most boring. You thought my end was boring when I ordered a drink and then you came up with that and you think that's an ending.

Yeah, sure. Swap it out. Fuck me. How have you enjoyed this podcast? I've had a lovely time. Yeah, he too. I've had a really nice time. But do you know what?

I'm going to get the horrors when I leave this building because I feel like when I'm in this situation, like this with comics and then I go, I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that. That's not good. I shouldn't have said that.

I don't mind disgusting. I find it weird when people find like disgusting, disgusting. Sure. But talking about a shit, I don't find that. That's not a problem. Well, Merry Christmas. Thanks for coming into the Dream Restaurant, Sarah. And Merry Crimbo to you and yours.

Well, there we are. How are you feeling, James? I hated it. I hated it. We've never had someone try and get out of a dessert so readily. I mean, at least the Coke float, the spider got in there at the end. The spider.

See, we're learning things. We learn things. I mean, Schooners, middies, spiders. I was appeased, but never before has it been dropped so early on that there's going to be no dessert. And then I've got to somehow handle it. I don't know.

I still feel a bit rattled by it. She didn't say Kendall Minkake, which to be honest. You were probably praying, she said. I would have let her stay in. Yeah. If she didn't say Kendall Minkake, I would have gone, you can stay in the Dream Restaurant, actually, because at least you're having some sugar.

Yeah. Well, I loved it. I actually really liked that menu. I didn't get a chance to say it in the main body of the episode. I think that menu is delicious. Body being the key word, we learned a lot about the human body in that episode. We did, didn't we?

Now, this is obviously famously, often turns into a PPPooPoo podcast. Yes. But today was particularly PPPooPoo. It's been a while. Yeah. Since we've even had a little mention of PPPooPoo. Yeah.

And this one really made up for lost time. Yeah, it really did. And it was like, oh, here you go. It's like we were backed up for ages. Did seven in a row. Exactly like that. All came gushing out. Yeah.

And it was also the Christmas episode. It's very difficult to remember sometimes that this is a Christmas episode. Well, look, just to let people reassure people, there are two Christmas episodes. Next week's will be more Christmasy, maybe. Well, it depends what you like about Christmas. For some people, that would have been the perfect Christmas

what they've just heard there. Well, yeah. I mean, that sort of sums up my Christmas anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just basically packing food in and then. Yeah.

Next week is more traditionally Christmasy. Yeah. Let's say that. What you just had there? I don't know. Boxing day? Sarah's sitcom frayed series two is out in the new year on Sky and also available on Now.

She is brilliant. She's a brilliant writer and do, take in as much of her stuff as possible. She is fantastic. Yes, absolutely. But very begrudging. Of furious. Yeah.

And but James is furious. Thank you very much for listening. We have another Christmas special episode next week. We'll see you then. But until then, enjoy the festive cheer. Ho, ho, ho. If you enjoyed this podcast, can I interest you in a totally different podcast

that's not about food and doesn't have James A. Castor or Ed Gamble, but I would say is quite fun. No, thank you. Oh, OK, not to worry. If you change your mind at a later date, it's called Nobody Panic. Right.

It's hosted by me, Tessa Coates, and my friend, Stevie Martin, which is weirdly me. And we tackle all kinds of how-to's from big things to small things. How to stop saying sorry, how to poo, how to break up with someone, how to quit your job,

how to relax, how to have a conversation, how to deal with unrequited love. A smorgasbord of thing. Absolutely. We have a nice time. People seem to like it. If you like,

you can come and see what all the fuss is about. All that fuss? What's it called? Nobody Panic. You can find it on all of the podcast apps that you would imagine it would be on. Please have a listen. Hello, it's me, Amy Glettale.

You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu, where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato, and our relationship's never been the same since. And I am joined by... Me, Ian Smith.

I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil in case... Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here, sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News.

It's about all the news stories that we've missed out from the North, because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure. But we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off.

And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on. Get Glettale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy! Is it?

Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.